I left my ex-fiancé a few years ago just as our daughter was born (standard cheater asshole) and amidst him marrying and having a child with someone else within less than a year of that, I suppose he got tired of her too, and sought to reconcile with me. I was not too keen on the idea, but as he is the father, I agreed to give him a chance under the condition he went to counseling and stopped being a drunk. It looked like things were shaping up nicely in fact, which I was surprised by, when suddenly last March he announced he had moved 2000 miles away and was having another baby with what I thought was his ex-wife, but actually he never had divorced her.
Luckily, he is not the topic of this email and never will be. I have no feelings hard or soft for him, just “meh”. We talk here and there, nothing to report and never will be. The problem on hand was our therapist. As he was helping me unravel myself from my ex who he flat out told me to “never marry” and stay away from, I, as a wounded, vulnerable and recently single mother began to see my therapist as this perfect man (for me) I had been looking for my whole life. It hit me one day that all these qualities he was teaching me to look for in men, turned out to be exactly himself. Not to mention he commented my attractiveness here and there. Those were the good days it seemed.
I got the nerve and realized for the best therapeutic benefit I needed was to tell him my feelings. He was married, I assumed happily (who wouldn’t be happy with such a wonderful guy?) so what’s the risk, I thought. If you experience transference, tell them, I read. So I tell him I’m attracted to him and he just comes undone. Voice shaking, tells me he can’t see me anymore. Then texts at 5 a.m. the next day asking me to come in. I went. I was crazy about him. We had an affair for a few months. He asked me to wait for him as he was going to leave his wife in a few months. I said of course. He seemed sure that we were right for each other and he claimed he thought about me all the time, the usual over the top romantic stuff.
The few months came and went, and I didn’t hear from him. I decided to reach out to him and saw him once, but I could tell he really wanted nothing to do with me. He is in fact single now, and I feel like an idiot for chasing after him wanting him to pick me. Oh, he was found on a dating app too. I don’t have great feelings left for him, and he’s blocked in my phone and I don’t go to our gym on the days I know he will be there. It’s not that I need to be talked out of feelings for him — he’s a piece of shit. I know. But I’m frankly scared at this point, having had these things happen back to back. The level of manipulation my ex went through to claim me, years of conning, followed by this has left me in the dumps. I don’t know how find men that aren’t cheaters and perpetual manipulators. I don’t trust men hardly at all, yet I keep plugging away but, again, I’m scared. I’m a mother now and can’t be going through things like this.
Please give some tips to ward off these vampires,
Dear Frankly Scared,
You propositioned your married therapist. And it kinda sounds like you were the Other Woman in your relationship with the ex.
Perhaps the vampire here is you?
I mean, by all means report this unethical quack to the licensing board. But WTF, Frankly?
I left my ex-fiancé a few years ago just as our daughter was born (standard cheater asshole) and amidst him marrying and having a child with someone else
So, it sounds like he had another fiancé. Were you aware of that?
within less than a year of that, I suppose he got tired of her too, and sought to reconcile with me.
So, you certainly know now he’s a cheater.
I was not too keen on the idea, but as he is the father, I agreed to give him a chance under the condition he went to counseling and stopped being a drunk.
Wow, what a winner. Why would you want that guy around your child? He’s got a wife, two baby mamas, and a drinking problem.
You say you don’t trust men, but you realize you have a broken picker, right? RIGHT? Vampires are a menace, I get it, but you’re out there at midnight knocking on Transylvanian castle doors advertising your delicious, blood-filled neck.
You don’t have to traffic in monsters.
I know I’m supposed to read this next part as you valiantly try to save your relationship, only to be preyed upon by yet another monster…
I, as a wounded, vulnerable and recently single mother began to see my therapist as this perfect man
That’s transference. But we don’t have to act on our feelings. Because, as humans, we’re going to have a lot of irrational feelings at any given time, and we usually have an internal referee going, “STOP!” or “NO! Do not slap that unmasked man in the grocery store!”
But you took the magic carpet ride of your feelings and you acted on them. Why? So he’ll comment on your attractiveness again? Those comments on your appearance should’ve skeeved you out coming from your THERAPIST. So inappropriate!
Those were the good days it seemed.
No! Not good!
I got the nerve and realized for the best therapeutic benefit I needed was to tell him my feelings.
Aigh! Don’t open that door!
He was married, I assumed happily (who wouldn’t be happy with such a wonderful guy?) so what’s the risk, I thought. If you experience transference, tell them, I read.
Okay, I’m calling bullshit here. I don’t think you told him for any therapeutic benefit or because you read something. I think you wanted him to want you, and you pursued that. AND, I absolutely see that this man was in an authoritative position and should never, EVER have taken you up on those feelings of yours. Which makes him a monster. But girl, you gotta learn to RUN from monsters.
I was crazy about him. We had an affair for a few months.
Any consideration of his chump wife here? In our first paragraph, you want me to understand that you’ve been chumped by a cheater. And then you dish it out to someone else? This is where you lost me.
he was going to leave his wife in a few months. I said of course.
he really wanted nothing to do with me.
You got thrown under the bus.
Oh, he was found on a dating app too.
You mean YOU found him on a dating app.
I’m frankly scared at this point, having had these things happen back to back.
You have agency. A piano didn’t fall out of the sky and flatten you. You got involved with a married man (twice) and it blew up on you. You won the pick me dance, then lost the pick me dance, and now think all men are turds.
Examine your character. Ask yourself why you keep making these self-destructive choices. Do this for your daughter, because you do NOT want monsters around your child.
I don’t know how find men that aren’t cheaters and perpetual manipulators.
Well, don’t ACCEPT cheaters in your life. Don’t take them back, don’t proposition them, and don’t reward them. As for manipulation, don’t need validation so badly that you’ll sell your soul to get it. And be disgusted that you’d conspire in another woman’s abuse for kibbles. Manipulation works if you buy what they’re selling. Learn boundaries and how to enforce them. Work on your self-worth.
And maybe find a therapist you aren’t attracted to, and spend a good long time getting proper mental health care.
As for vampires — garlic, crucifixes, sunlight.