About 2 months ago I got an message on Facebook stating my husband of 28 years was cheating on me and to look at his messenger for proof. So I did and found messages between him and a female coworker. And I got livid.
Instead of sending the messages to myself for proof, I confronted him and he said it was nothing, of course.
But I read in the messages he wrote that he missed her and such (no sexual content that I saw), but the messages went on for over a year.
He explained it was her coffee he missed (bullshit excuse). I’m not stupid and I know there’s more to it than he lets on. He had an emotional affair at the least.
So, after a few days of trying figure things out, and him completely denying anything happened between them, I wanted to forgive him. We decided to stay together, but he didn’t want me to bring it up anymore, said I should trust him and believe him because I know him and shouldn’t go by what some anonymous person says.
But about a week later, I started getting phone and text messages from someone saying all these things about my husband.
Like he’s still seeing her everyday having coffee and leaving work to go have lunch together and doing things in his car during breaks.
I told him about it and he thinks I’m crazy and I’m blowing things out of proportion. Never once did he truly apologize. All he said was I have always been jealous and that he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong and that if I felt a different way about it, he was sorry.
So like I said, months later I’m still getting text messages. How they got my number I don’t know.
My problem is every night I have bad dreams about it and then during the day I get messages. And my husband doesn’t want me to talk about it because I get mean and make hateful comments to him (I’m supposed to worry about his feelings).
So my question is: what should I do? I love him, but I don’t feel the same. The distrust is driving me crazy. Every time his phone rings or dings my thoughts automatically go to he’s cheating. I need to get past this and I’m trying. People make mistakes, but how do you forgive if someone won’t let you forget?
The weirdest thing about your letter is your husband.
Imagine if some anonymous person texted your partner every day saying what an awful person you are. Wouldn’t you be alarmed? Upset? Want to get to the bottom of it? Be at pains to reassure your partner that you care? Create a united front against this harassment?
Yet, your husband doesn’t want to talk about it. Worse, he says YOU say hateful things, not the anonymous caller.
Which tells me, this caller is not so “anonymous” to him.
Also, you’re in a pick me dance with the other woman, and he’s okay with that.
You’re pretty scant on the details of who is calling you, but given the persistence of the messaging, and the detailed information, I’m going to assume it’s his affair partner (that “female co-worker.”) A concerned stranger would probably just drop the dime and leave it alone. But a Schmoopie? That bitch is angling to clear the field.
And I think you know this, at some level, because you keep confronting him and you keep staying. You’re engaging in the fight over Mr. Doesn’t Give a Shit.
Never once did he truly apologize. All he said was I have always been jealous and that he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong.
So the problem is YOU? Not the rando who keeps calling? Not his (admitted to) yearlong coffee dates?
To be jealous, there has to be someone, something to covet. He’s simultaneously telling you there’s no one AND that you are mistakenly competing with someone. Mindfuck much?
he didn’t want me to bring it up anymore, said I should trust him and believe him because I know him and shouldn’t go by what some anonymous person says.
Yeah, but do you know him? Apparently he’s some guy that hooks up in his car at lunch.
And did the guy you thought you knew — did you think he’d be so callous about your feelings? So defensive? So blasé about your continued harassment?
You’re married to THAT guy. And whatever you know or don’t know about his extracurricular activities, your husband sounds like an uncaring jerk.
he thinks I’m crazy and I’m blowing things out of proportion
Really? Some anonymous person is calling him a cheater and YOU’RE wrong to be upset? You’d think he’d be the livid one.
The distrust is driving me crazy.
Yes, gaslighting will do that to a person.
I need to get past this and I’m trying.
Why should you get past this? It sounds like your husband is having an affair (now, present tense) and that the Other Woman is trying to blow up your life, letting you know about it. And he’s being an unrepentant jerk who is placing the blame for this situation on you and your imaginary concerns. Nothing to work with. I’d get “past it” with a trip to an attorney and locking down my finances.
People make mistakes
They do. An affair, however, is not a mistake. It’s a series of willful decisions, harmful decisions, made unilaterally without your consent. Decisions that affect your health (STDs), finances, and intact home life. He’s been okay gambling those things and putting your well-being last. That’s either okay with you, or it isn’t. Affairs are many things (narcissistic, absurd, self-destructive), but they aren’t oh-whoopsy-daisy! no-harm-no-foul. He didn’t spill wine on your sofa. He fucks his coworker at lunch and lies to you. (Now, present tense.)
but how do you forgive if someone won’t let you forget?
Forgiveness is entirely beside the point. You seem to be asking me how can you reconcile with your husband when his affair partner keeps reminding you that he’s having an affair. Is she lying? Is he lying? Should he be forgiven for lying?
Why would you want to stay in a relationship with a man you can’t trust? Who BLAMES you when HE is shady?
Forgiveness can’t happen when he keeps creating situations you need to forgive. Besides, you said he isn’t one bit sorry. Personally, I think forgiveness is meh, and that only happens at a great distance, after much time. And even then it’s optional. You just release this person from the power to hurt you. You give it over to a higher power (if you believe in that).
You’ve got a guy that keeps hurting you. With his indifference. I’d let the anonymous caller have him.