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Stupid Stuff Cake Eaters Say

cakeHey, are you the one they really love? Is the cheating okay because they’ll always come back to you? Your Friday Challenge is to talk cake to me. Big, fluffy, moist cake.

“After we divorce, we could always date, you know.”

“He’s like my best-friend, but you’re my husband!”

So tell me, chumps — what is the cake-iest thing a cheater ever said to you?

At the risk of having many predictable cheaters (“We can still be friends, right?”), I’m guessing some of you guys can out-freak the rest of us.

So lay it on me — Stupidest Cake Speak ever.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I only talk to all those women because I need help understanding you. I’m trying to HELP you and that makes me the bad guy? I don’t know why I even try with you anymore, you’re clearly crazy.

    What he was trying to help me with, I never found out. These were women I’d never met so they knew nothing about me. Clearly talking to ME was not a reasonable idea. But other vaginas, yeah that always helps marriages.

    • I’m going through a selfish period right now. (Yes, he really did say that!!)

    • “I only talk to all those women because I need help understanding you.”

      My jaw is on the FLOOR. I heard a version of this, too!

      • Yep, I heard it too. He’d tell his other women super personal things about me and I had some of those things thrown in my face by them later. Cue “I was trying to get advice from her about our marriage!!!”

        A childless, unmarried woman young enough to be our daughter?! What in the fuck would she know about my life or being married or raising kids or long term relationships to give you advice about us?!

        • I’m so sorry that he did that. I went through the same thing, and thought I was alone in it. He’d tell me all about AP’s great ideas on how to save our marriage. We both deserved better.

  • “I want to grow old with you. I just don’t want to be with you now.”

    • I got that one too. I want to grow old with you but “need this time right now to see what else is out there. It’s not lecherous, it’s an adventure. You deserve a little excitement in your life too. I’m excited you get to explore other men”. Um really? I thought I was married and have no desire to explore other men. He wanted to see where his relationship with a prostitute would go “wanted to know her mind” and “see if they have a future together”. Of course, I’d still be his best friend, and “soothe” him.

      • I got, ‘I was hoping that you would let me get this out of my system (her cheating) and then we could grow old together…’

      • Oh barf! Soothe him? I don’t even want to think about how he expected you to do that.

        Mine offered me this lovely consolation; “You can fuck other men. Then you’ll have all the power.”
        Admitting that cheating is done for a sick power trip and expecting me to want the same. Utterly shameless.

    • You can buy my Depends and clean my dentures when I am too old to attract strange pvssy

    • Got “but I want to grow old with you” too. It certainly was aging me fast!

    • This is classic.
      I got that he can totally see us back together at some unspecified point in the future.
      He needs to be with OW for now and wants to be with her for a long time but not forever.
      Roll on our dotage then…can’t wait.

  • “I just want to see how many people numbers I can get, I promise I didn’t plan on actually calling any of them, but my brother said German girls love American guys!”

    First cheater when I asked him why he was talking to his brother about how to get girl’s numbers in German bars, and why they were planning this trip to Germany behind my back and why wasn’t I invited.

    • I only recently realized why Traitor X, who is first generation American, never planned a trip to Germany with me to meet relatives and friends. Likely they knew about his drinking and female associates from his trip there without me early on in our relationship. Like me, he is an alcoholic and was alleging to be in recovery like me.

      We were supposed to go on a trip there after we had been together about four years. We had been invited by family friends. Two weeks or so before departure, when pressed to make the airline reservations, he told me that I’d have to pay my own expenses (aside from airfare). For example, we’d be going out to dinner and I’d be paying my check and he would be included on their check, etc. Not the arrangements of the original invitation. I had no time to save the required funds. I stayed home. He went. When he returned and developed the photos, there he was at Fasching, one of a jillion German drinking festivals. Sitting at a table, Pilsner in hand, alcohol of all kinds lined up on the table in front of him. When the photo was taken he had just taken a big swig by the look on his face. I don’t even remember what BS explanation he came up with but I speckled and stayed.

      It was only in the last year I realized he did not want me to go.

      Chump hindsight is better than 20/20 and I get gobsmacked often by what I was in denial about.

      • We were both supposed to remain alcohol free while going through infertility treatments. He “had” to go on a two week trip to Europe “for work.” He was drunk off his ass every night. The guys he went with were calling their wives on video chat and there was klootzak in the background drinking like a fish. And he would lie and say he didn’t. He would conveniently forget commitments he made the moment he was out of my sight. It extended to everything. He always wanted to travel without me, too. I totally get it. They are top notch asshats.

      • Velvet hammer…I feel like the stupidest person in the world for not realizing how many times he made plans deliberately excluding me and I speckled into believing that he had no ulterior motive. When I drive alone these days (for whatever reason) I end up remembering time after time that he said he “had to work” (on Thanksgiving for a job that didn’t have a holiday requirement?)….

        The biggest case of this was when he was in the military and assigned a school that was 2.25 years long and he suggested that me and the kids just stay where we were and he move alone. I realized MUCH later that he was serious…he really didn’t want us moving with him. At the time I chalked it up to “crazy talk” having zero grasp that he meant it

  • About 2 days after walking out on me and my son and moving directly in with his AP coworker and her 2 boys, he sent me a “cute” article about how rookies for the Cubs were required to do Starbucks runs for the other players at Wrigley Field. I responded with “what is this? I don’t think you meant to send this to me.” He responded with something along the lines of “I thought you’d enjoy this.” He also started picking personal gifts for me (like books I might enjoy reading and tight little t-shirts and body lotions). Evrything was returned and I let him know I had zero interest in getting crap from him. It was creepy. But truthfully I think it wasn’t really for “friendship”…. he was hoping I was still in a fog and he could control me and keep me at bay. Dumbass… I filed for divorce under adultery within 2 weeks of him walking out. He didn’t get much cake from me.

    • This is the best response! I wish i had done that at the beginning….wasted a few more years with him and moved 500 miles to a new state for him ???? but it’s been nearly 10 years since the last time he left!

    • He was probably trying to “butter you up” to stick it to you in the divorce proceedings.

    • Mine sent me inspirational quotes about being “a beautiful friend”. I threw up a little in my mouth. He also said that when our kids get married when we’re 60, we could hook up at their wedding! ???? I guess he just watched the movie “It’s Complicated”. No thank you, I don’t think my husband would like that. (I hope to married by then!)

    • During the hideous time right after DDay when I was in bed not eating and vomiting all the time, my husband kept sending me emails with Netflix recommendations. Like “Hey I think you’d love this”. Um right. Like I was going to want to watch Netflix and think of him. How selfish and weird. It took me 15 months to be able to watch anything on a screen. That’s how bad my PTSD was. He also sent me cute Bitmojis of himself in texts as if we were still lovers.

      • My ex was completely caught off guard when I filed and kicked him out on my timetable, not his. Two weeks later, he wanted to come to my grandmother’s funeralr and I told him absolutely not and if he showed up my uncles and cousins were ready to take care of him. He also told the kids we’d have Thanksgiving together and I said no to that too. I kept punching holes in his ilybinilwy narrative.

      • I don’t get how these assholes think we want to see them after they destroy us. They act as if, this is just like high school and no biggie.

        If we treated them the way they treated us, no way would they be wanting to be friends.

        My fw after he treated me like dog shit between his toes for a year, was busted in rank and discarded by the mayor as his right hand man. Asshole had the nerve to complain to my son that Mayor S, was a back stabber, and friends don’t do that to friends. Ass wipe didn’t compare the situation to what he did to me at all.

        You would think he would understand that he was just no longer politically of use to the mayor, just like he decided I was of no long use to him as a wife. He and the mayor were two peas in a pod, yet I guess he thought the mayor wouldn’t treat him like he himself treated me.

        No ability to self reflect at all.

      • Mine sent me a video with my face plastered on celebrities like Britney Spears and Katie Perry in their music videos. No explanation, just sent me that days into the divorce after saying the most horrible things to me about hating me and wanting me dead.

        I remember I drove to the gym and sat in the parking lot and called my best friend and sobbed. What kind of psychopath is he? Why would he send me this?! She said he is a sick fuck.

        I’ll never forget that. The worst time of my life, all that pain, I couldn’t eat and kept vomiting. Lost 30 pounds in three weeks and went below my high school weight. And he literally mocked me by pasting my face into music videos and sending it to me. The good thing is he could never, ever convince me he’s human after that. He’s missing the parts that make us human. He’s just a monster.

        • What a creep KatiePig. There are no words. What a sick and childish weird fuck.

        • I’m so sorry KatiePig. What a horrible time. Hope you are healthier and feeling better now.

          I really appreciated this line. I feel the same in many ways. “ The good thing is he could never, ever convince me he’s human after that. He’s missing the parts that make us human. He’s just a monster.”

          I’m still in the process of divorce, but this line and the feelings associated with it have officially killed the hopium. Thank goodness.

  • I haven’t ruled out the possibility of us getting back together if I find things don’t work out with [affair partner]. After all, I’ve always known no matter what happens, I’ll always have a safe space to come home to with you, and that’s the real meaning of home and family.

    • Good Lord.

      My ex said his version of that, he just wasn’t as creative. He used the “set it free” shit.

    • HE hasn’t ruled it out? JFC.

      I’ll help you, bro.

      Overruled. Bye!

    • Unbelievable!! Please share with us how you responded to that!

    • “I’ll always have a safe space to come home to with you.”

      The fork you will.

      • This is true. I got so used to him saying such stupid crap that , on occasion, he would speak truth and I didn’t recognize it.

        This is a serious lesson that I wish I could pass down to the newbies

    • !!!!!

      Dear God, the insane entitlement is gobsmacking.

      I hate that fucker for you!????????????

      I’d love to know what you said, or were you just speechless?

    • The real meaning of family is to go out and fuck other people and then be allowed to come and go as if you didn’t hurt anyone? Wow

    • What a fair dinkum fw moron. A nice warm fuzzy place to come home to? Home to mummy? What was he on? My fw told me his 30 years younger slut made him feel like a man which he didn’t feel like in his marriage. Perhaps because he’d been Peter Pan for 40 years and his mummy was to blame for treating him like the child he was??

      • My ex said that OW made him feel like a man, but also she saw the “lost little boy inside him.” Weird thing is he was a domineering bully to me for 20 yrs but apparently he told her he was a timid abused forest creature.

  • “I love you AND her. It’s like when you have a child, it doesn’t mean you don’t want another child to love”

    • I would have said “So she’s a child? You’re having an affair with a child?”


    • My cheater said almost the exact same thing, about it being possible to love more than one person.

      He also suggested that we all go on ski vacations together – him, me, the OW, the kids. ???? WTF.

        • My ex told me the AP had only sent him photos of her vagina to cheer him up as his friend.

          Since then I offer all my sad friends photos of my vagina to cheer them up. Not one person has taken up the offer.

          • Oh you need to go to therapy and let them enjoy and charge you for gossip so they calm jerk off to the tears. $125.00. Man I tell you it worth wasteing time on an investment that will double time you wasted it boohooing again .

      • Klootzak and one of his APs would email each other (she was married, too, until I shared all her emails to him and he dumped her ass hahaha) the same tripe about how they believed it must be possible to love more than one person but it was more about how she thought she still loved her husband and mine at the same time. No mentioned by klootzak of him loving AP and me, so I assume he only loved her. Don’t care. F him. And now that she’s divorced, I wish she’d come get him.

  • After a year of pick me dancing after the discard for the OW, I invited Mr. Sparkles over to my house (our marital home) to discuss the divorce. He showed up with two bottles of wine and the DVD “Jersey Boys” … when I tried to broach the subject he dismissed me and instead said “Wouldn’t it be romantic if we got remarried after our divorce?”

    That was when I knew in my heart of heart I was dealing with a personality disordered narcissist. I filed pro se 60 days later and when he ignored that, I hired an attorney (which sent him in to a rage and he yelled at me once… “I could’ve f*cked you that night if I had wanted to….”)

    Always amazed me that someone who adamantly didn’t want to be married to me any longer and wanted his OW (“twu luv”)… but felt no sense of urgency to get the divorce settled. Took me 2 years to get it done… and the best part was the OW dumped him about six months before it was finalized because she found out he was cheating on her.

    Rock on Chump Nation!

    • I love when they get dumped. My fw’s whore was never going to dump her meal ticket; but he did cheat on her per my daughter in law. She eventually caught him, and I am sure he stopped it. Lol.

      She once told my daughter in law that she thinks God sent her to fw just when he needed her. Wonder what she thought about the whores he cheated on her (his main whore) with.

      My daughter in law told her God does not send another woman to steal a woman’s husband. I can’t even imagine having the nerve to say that about God, by a person claiming to be a Christian. But, then again, she screwed multiple married men, until she got her meal ticket, so…

  • “It’s what friends do.” (Said about portioning assets, but before I found out about the other women.)

    • Another one: “A divorce isn’t given, we just need time apart.” (Again, said before I knew about other women.)

    • My ex told me the AP had only sent him photos of her vagina to cheer him up as his friend.

      Since then I offer all my sad friends photos of my vagina to cheer them up. Not one person has taken up the offer.

      • Sending married men photos of your vagina is the compassionate thing to do when they’re blue. Doesn’t everyone that? Holy crap, the “conversations” we’ve had! Can you imagine this conversation in any other context, with anyone else in your life? And yet this sort of thing is normal with a cheater.

        • Exactly! Who does that? Apparently my upset over it was completely uncalled for because it was ‘innocent ‘. The real kicker was him asking me to think about how she feels about me being upset. Can’t make this shit up. Haha.

        • ???? shot ? What the hell is wrong with some women ? What happened to modesty, privacy and NOT getting involved with married/partnered men ?

  • 2 1/2 years after she walked out on the kids and I, and about 6 weeks after the divorce was finalised, Ex-Mrs LFTT had to go into hospital for an operation on her back.

    Almost as soon as the anaesthetic wore off she emailed to castigate me for: failing to ask her how she was; failing to have asked her what I could do to help her and; failing to do anything about the fact that many of her friends (who were appalled at what she had done) were not responding to her her texts/emails/phone calls.

    I did not reply to the email.


    • L, R & QC,

      If I can answer you all in one go:

      – L; Sadly (for me) she thought that I still felt some kind of moral responsibility to look after her. Sadly (for her) she was wrong, but she didn’t take it well. Apparently I am a terrible person.
      – R; you are too kind!
      – QC; you couldn’t be more right. I also considered myself fired from having to listen to her BS and deal with her tantrums when things didn’t go her way.

      The funniest thing though, was that she then doubled down and threatened to sue me if I didn’t allow her access to the rented house where the kids and I lived so that she could take “her half of the contents.” The flaw in her plan (and the thing that rendered her threat toothless) was that our divorce agreement (which she’d already signed and had been signed off by the Judge) included me getting all of the contents of the house. Now that email I did respond to; I simply replied “Get your lawyer to explain what paragraph 3 of the agreement means. If you take me to court you will lose and I will seek costs.”


      • Deja Vu. Mine has the same clause in it. She kept wanting to come in and look for “stuff rightfully hers” to take. I refused her shopping spree requests and changed the locks. She had almost 2 years to come take her crap. She removed all the good $$$ stuff before I even knew she was cheating. You don’t get to murder your family then pretend to be sentimental about family vacation souvenirs.

        • “You don’t get to murder your family then pretend to be sentimental about family vacation souvenirs.”

          Righteo. How about leaving your family with only your high school year books, college photo albums, gf pics (all at least 30 years old), then doubling back AFTER the decree and asking for actual family pics.

          Really. He got NOTHING. He’ll have to be happy with those HS gf pics and the porn he’s been collecting.

          • Or not taking a single photo of your children from the albums and then complaining years later “I don’t have any photos of my kids growing up ????!” Somebody probably noticed the glaring omission when they visited his apartment, where he lives with wife 3.0. Golddigger has tons of photos of her extended family, a very homely clan. As my aunt says “Her son is one of the ugliest men I’ve ever seen”

            • How about not taking all your shit? My ex left a garage full of crap that he was supposed to take per the agreement. The man couldn’t buy a fifty cent box of nails, he had to get the 2 lb box of every single nut, bolt, screw and nail he ever needed for a project. A dozen hinges for the gate that takes two. huge spools of wire, pvc pipe, 2x4s, rolls of plastic sheeting. I had a mini Home Depot but not any useful tools because he took them all, including the ones with my name etched on them.

              • Oh God mine was exactly the same. Why by 2 of anything when you can buy 200 (and then he used to throw a wobbly because he couldn’t find space to store everything)! The good news is that my younger son is a plumber and will be renovating his house at some point and I think I might have everything he will ever need in my basement!

        • QC,

          You refer to it as the “shopping spree.” I think of it as “the supermarket trolley-dash.”

          I remember Ex-Mrs LFTT, not long after she left but before the divorce was finalised, coming back on some pretence or other relating to the kids only to find her dividing up the contents of the wine rack (she’s a functioning alcoholic, one of the things I learned about her after D Day). Imagine my surprise when I found that she’d put all the cheap stuff she’d bought in a pile for me and all the nice stuff (mostly gifts from my family) in her pile!

          They really are f*cking idiots.


          • I’m going through this now. Ex left without taking anything except our most valuable artwork and expensive wine glasses. He now wants to come through the home and take everything else he wants. It’s been almost 2 years. My lawyer said to let him come but he has to make a list for negotiating the things he wants. So I had someone here to walk him through the house and he didn’t show up!

            • FKA,

              Once I had established with Ex-Mrs LFTT that she was not coming for the “supermarket-trolley dash” as she had hoped and that she wasn’t taking anything of value from the house …… she started giving me lists of things that she expected me to keep; it was like she expected to be able to contract out her tendency to hoard to me.

              I had to make it very clear that if I didn’t want or need it and she didn’t come and get it (eg clothes and shoes from when the kids were tiny) then it was going to the dump. I really don’t understand how to square her ability to nuke our family with her sentimentality about things from when the kids were young.


              • LFTT

                Why are they all the same? My STBX hoarded papers. He had really tiny handwriting and he had screeds of papers with illegible ant-size writing that he said were his important thoughts. I used to move his papers from the office into boxes. Then I’d shift the boxes to the garage. After DDay, he expected me to keep them all for when he wanted them. Also, he didn’t ever ask for anything sentimental such as family or baby photos of our daughter. I guess he doesn’t care. He did, however, come and get his giant box of Magic cards. That what his favourite past time – playing Magic with his friends. Oh, and fucking hookers.

    • After D-day, klootzak needed a hernia operation and asked me to drive him to the hospital because no one else would. I took him, waited, and then drove him back. A friend later asked me why I bothered. I’m really not sure why I did, either, but she said, “Well, if anything had gone wrong, you would have been the first to know about something going on with him for maybe the first time.” And it was true. I told her if they had lost him on the operating table, I would have had no obituary or service for him. Just cremation and sprinkle him somewhere he would have liked. Maybe seedy hotel parking lots.

  • My serial cheating ex-wife said, “We can divorce now, then we can remarry in 2 years.”

    • And she also told me she needed 6 months to decide who she wanted to be with. I filed the next week.

      • After letting my ex come home for a horrible week where he treated me like shit. I told him to leave, and that he had one week to get with our preacher (who was the police chaplain) and set up counseling for himself to see if we could be salvaged. I told him to call me the following Sunday with his decision. He never called.

        I called him late that Sunday evening and said you never called. he said “I can’t decide what I want” I said well you don’t have to, I am done”.

        It kills me that I let him come back for a week, but I did hold true to “we are done”.

        • My three adult children were upset I let him back home for Christmas, after he finally fired the OW. (Hired her back a few weeks letter). It was an awkward time, I regret.

          • I told my son (via phone, he was stationed in AZ in the Air Force ) that we were going to try again, my son said and I quote “be careful mom, he is messed up” Wish I had listened. Only took me a few days to figure out his angle.

    • Yep…. if we are meant to be we will get back together. Or, my mom separated with her husband and partied/cheated. Then they got back together they were happier than ever.

    • Mine wanted to stay married (of course, I paid for everything) while she “found herself” and we could get divorced in 5 years if we didn’t “find our way back to each other”. I filed and said “lets get divorced now and we can remarry in 5 years if we find our way back to each other”.

    • Mine said we could divorce and then start over with a clean slate! Hmmmm….doesn’t work that way!

  • Two classics;
    “I always come home to you” Gee that makes me feel so much better…..
    “I want to drink your coffee for the rest of my life”
    I alone have the power to make delicious coffee?????????????

    • “I always come home to you” that one is one I heard too and just is just a confession of guilt. I would also hear “but I’m here now.
      That’s when he would come home smelling of other woman.
      It was as if any lies were just too much work for him and I was just supposed to be so thankful he was home?! Wtf

      • I got “I was loyal to both of you. That’s why it went on so long” (12 years). And also “You were always the main person. I never saw myself ending up with her.”

        He checked himself into a hotel the day after D-day, made one feeble attempt to reconcile before disappearing 100 miles away to rent an apartment near Schmoopie. He later accused me of “unilaterally ending the marriage and removing [him] from the house”.

        After more than 18 months of me making him go through my lawyer, he ambushed me and, in between making various legal threats told me he still loved me, wish he’d never met her and that the affair was “this biggest mistake he’d ever made and he’d regret it for the rest of his life”.

        They are of course still together, even though for the last seven years of our marriage he pretended he was divorced and his new place was too grimy for her to visit. They are both garbage people and will make each other miserable in their dumpster relationship.

        • She “dated” him for SEVEN years and never saw his apartment ? That is one dumb bitch. They deserve each other.
          You’re free !

          • Happened to me…cheating boyfriend’s other girlfriend (we didn’t know about each other) never visited his apartment in the 5 years they were together. He told her it was messy. No, it was because there were signs that he already had a girlfriend: clothes, female toiletries, placements for 2, magazines with my address, etc.

            Turns out she is “one dumb bitch” as she went back to him not too long after his double life was exposed.

          • She knew he was married for the first five years of the affair and that we were having fertility treatment, but was happy to have unprotected sex with him anyway. Probably hoping she’s get pregnant first. She is both nasty and desperate.

            Weirdly though, the one time I spoke to her, she apologised and things had got “out of hand” and she wished none of it had ever happened. So both of them somehow seem to have accidentally and unintentionally ended up having an affair for 12 years. The lack of taking responsibility is unreal.

    • Wow! Love the photo editing where you chopped off her head!

    • Well, I know you had to airbrush her head out of the photo to follow the rules here, but it really makes it a more accurate depiction of the situation…..

    • I think the woman is the cheater, and the gentleman is the chump…no shame in love handles ????

    • I don’t know if you care, but your real name is on the top of the photo album!

      • I was going to point this out too but he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. His ex-twat does !

  • “It doesn’t matter if we get divorced, I’m just going to sweep you off your feet and we will get remarried someday.”

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. NO.

    • So devoted! I’m sure he’s still dedicated to making this plan come true: living like a monk, pining for you, working on himself, and doing everything he can to prove his love and win you back some day 😉

  • My ex, while in the middle of divorce and having moved in with Schmoopie said—“ ypu go to the apartment, work on yourself( huh?), I’ll come to see you every day amd maybe in 6 months we can get remarried”. I said “funny, I think ypu actually have to be divorced to get remarried”. By the way I didn’t leave the house and bought him out. Asshole.

    • Good for you buying him out! He thought YOU should go to an apartment? That was some nerve!

      • My cheater did this too. On the very night of D-Day while I was gobsmacked trying to process what was happening, he blurted out, “I brought her here to the house, and she loved it. She wants to move in here with me. I’ll find you an apartment in [city where I work] and help you move.” I was so shocked but had the good sense to say, absolutely not, I’m not leaving my home, you can leave.

  • “I think we should see other people…” I found out later she told me this after she had been f*king other guys.

    • A monkey never lets go of the branch she’s holding until she has a firm grip on the next branch…..

    • Upon receiving a request for an open relationship, assume it’s already been opened.

      • Yes I got the whole ‘open our relationship to other people to spice up our sex life’ crap. But he forgot to tell me he’d already been doing this for at least a year.

  • “I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
    ( He was unconcern for my happiness. That was never a concern for LTC Fuckface.)

    “It is only a problem if you make it a problem.”
    ( I made it a problem.)

    “You would really like her if you’d just get to know her. You have a lot in common.”
    ( I have nothing in common with that home wrecking whore.)

    “It didn’t mean anything.”
    ( It meant the end of our marriage.)

    “I sleep here every night.”
    (Until he didn’t. I caught him sneaking out like a rebellious teenager.)

    Now I understand that anything he says is a lie. He is a known liar and never to be trusted again.

    • Maybe he was just sneaking out in middle of night to go sit in a Walmart car park. Seems a favourite of cheaters. My ex wife used that excuse ????‍♂️

      • Or take photographs of his tractor by moonlight – you wouldn’t think I had a degree – face plant

        • Yeah but Bev that’s so off the wall!!! I mean when has ‘taking photos of tractors by moonlight’ been an acronym for seeing other women? But it is now. I mean I’ll give him a 10 for originality and a 0 for character.

          My cousin got dicked around a lot by this guy she was seeing and he was really into the band The Fall and was writing a book about them. Fortunately for my cousin she could see through all this and knew it was a load of bullshit but our phrase, if you are not going to be doing what you say are doing, is ‘I’m going to write a book about The Fall’ and now I’ll add to that ‘I’m going to take some pictures of tractors by moonlight’.

          When you look back you feel so stupid don’t you but we shouldn’t cause it’s normal to trust your nearest and dearest.

          • That is awful, they are engrained lyers.

            My ex in the last few months, would sit up at night and then come in when I was about asleep and say “I can’t sleep, I am going to ride around with one of the guys” (Police Officer).

            I bought it. I mean I knew we were having trouble by then, but he put it off to work stress, and since he was in a new office job, he had said he still likes to stay in touch with they guys… So yeah, did I feel stupid.

            Wonder what kind of excuses he made after he and schmoops married. I am sure they had a laugh over that one at my expense, so likely he had to dig a little deeper.

        • Oh my god! What a rat. This sounds like something my ex would’ve said, and I would’ve completely trusted him and happily gone to sleep.

          Speaking of absurd in hindsight… This challenge has reminded me of a time, years ago, in the early years of the double life (as far as I know). FW was freshly sober and needed a lot of “time and space” to figure himself out. It turned my life upside down, but I was worried for him and as supportive and patient as I possibly could be. When he arranged a few days of flying around random airports to “see the vast humanity and change his perspective” (free, because his best friend was a pilot), I bought it. No suspicions, whatsoever. He wrote that it was possibly “the most selfish of many selfish acts.” I thought it odd at the time that he volunteered that. Well, years later, I learned that he was flying to see the young intern he’d been romancing all summer behind my back. Cake? “I love you and can’t wait to be back, snuggled on the couch with you and the cat.”

      • Funny you know the cheater so well. He had a wal-mart bag and an excuse that he needed body wash and had to go buy it. This announced in a very peeved voice insinuating that I didn’t meet his needs again. He left at 2:00 a.m. and returned at 6:30 a.m., the receipt was time stamped at 6:00 a.m. Wal-Mart was indeed his excuse!

        • Mine was at an NA meeting, on his way home. The next morning I find a receipt in kitchen sink (odd). Receipt is for 2 ice cream cones. Called him out. Said it wasn’t his, just picked it up. What are the odds? Clerked typed your name on it. Then said oh yeah, they messed up it was supposed to be swirl. Lies, lies

          • They’re so quick to lie! Everything, always. Did you question this lie, Sandyfeet? And if so, how did the cheater respond? I can guess…

      • My x used Walmart excuse too—except he wasn’t at Walmart. He was at a casino trolling for hookers. The one he got obsessed with, literally stalked, was the one he said I’d really like if I got to know her. A high school dropout, drug addicted hooker with two small kids, too many to count ex’s whose mother is younger than me—yes, of course we’d be best buds.

    • I love your response “I made it a problem.”

      Yep, me too! I’m not going down quietly.

    • TTYAC.

      “You would really like her if you got to know her. You have a lot in common.”

      I remember where we were and what we were doing when he uttered those words to me.

      I was still trying to win the RIC GRAND prize so my response was not what it would be today – post LACGAL.

      Thanks to that book my decades of trying to attain sainthood, via being THE BEST martyr I knew, is no longer a value of mine.

      As a good friend says to me often, “My two favorite words are, ‘fuck off” “.

      Today, about 4 years out, I can honestly say I am very grateful to the OW for she is the one that brought all his ‘bad behavior’ into the light thus showing me who he really is/was….a serial cheater wrapped up in a covert passive aggressive personality all stuffed into his one little body.

      I may even like her….No, that is stretching it too far. She is a cheater too. One who has caused the end many marriages including her own.

      Her values and mine will NEVER be the same.

    • “I sleep here every night” is narcissist-speak for “Be grateful I fart in your bed.” Naw, I’ll pass ????????

      • Get rid of the Dutch oven. How disgusting ????

  • More creepy than cakey–after the divorce, he used to text or email me and always end with “Till death do us part.” Like we were still married, creeped me out so I blocked him.

    All of his affairs had the same cakey theme, he was helping her with her home repairs, or with her dog, or with her kids…he was always helping someone else while me and my kids lived in a hoarded up, unfinished house, broken down cars with no support from him. I ate it up, like we didn’t deserve better, what a crappy cake.

  • What is with them thinking we’ll remarry them? ????????????????????

    • Narcissism, I think. They honestly think we can’t survive without them. My ex recently sent me an email informing me that he still loved me and would take me back if I changed my attitude toward him. He added, “Otherwise you will continue to suffer.”

      Suffer? Oh, my friends and I had a laugh over that one. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life right now. The only part of my life that is suffering at all is the part wherein I still have to deal with him sometimes. But apparently, he pictures me sitting in my beautiful little home a mile from the ocean with my daughters, lonely and sad, bewailing the loss of the greatness that is him and dreaming of a second chance at his awesomeness. Probably in his dream, there is a carefully-tended shrine with a picture of him, surrounded by piles of handwritten, tear-stained poetry with titles like “Alas for Lost Love!”

      Dream on, Loser. I’ve got a nice job, great friends, a very full social schedule, and (now that COVID restrictions are lifting and we’re vaccinated) some fun dates. No shrine here.

      • “Otherwise you will continue to suffer”. OH MY WORD!

        Thanks for the laugh Carol!

      • Omg Carol39 thanks for the laugh! You enjoy the heck out of your loving complete home!

      • I dare say that even if you lived in a hovel far from the beach, you would not “suffer” without him. lol They really believe that, though! ????

        • —otherwise you will continue to suffer???

          “Dear FW, I apologize for not being clearer with you.

          I am not suffering now that we are not married. You were dishonest and cruel to me. I am MUCH happier without you.

          The End”

  • The cake-iest thing my now-ex ever said to me came during the time I was naked pick-me dancing. I was dealing with two “other women”: one, an ex student my now-ex had long had an inappropriate relationship with, including when she was a student, and two, the “woman” my now-ex likes to pretend he is when he dresses up in women’s lingerie. Both had assumed monster proportions in my marriage, with the ex-student encouraging my now-ex in his “woman” persona, telling him he was transgendered. (Funny, though, how my husband’s idea of himself of a woman was focused exclusively on sexual gratification.)

    I agreed to participate in my now-ex’s sexual fantasies, which involved me shaving his legs and putting fishnet stockings on him (this is only the most G-rated of his fantasies–and what I did to gratify them). After this session he cried out “I want to spend the rest of my life with you!”

    I was so deep in denial and hopium that even though a little part of my rational mind said to me, “Really? That sounds like something he got out of a romance novel,” I clung to it for far longer than the evidence before my eyes was telling me.

    PS: Although the ex-student was a fixture in my now-ex’s life for years, he always had some other woman he was fixated on, and the more overt his dress-up/masturbation sessions became, the more he paraded these fixations of his in front of me. With the last woman he fixated on, a younger professor in our department, he started modeling himself on her behavior, to the point that after a “welcome back students” party at her house he told me she didn’t have her air conditioner on, so we should turn ours off. (For the record, she did in fact have it on.)

    • He sounds very easily influenced by others. Must be some real deep seated issues for a man to be like that and cause so much damage to yourself. Awful stuff.

      • Awful stuff, indeed. As my sister and my best friend have said to me, many time, “He’s really f**ked up.”

        Thirty-two years of his serial infatuations with women (colleagues and students) and his devaluing of me were bad enough. But the three years I spent naked pick-me dancing and smoking hopium after he revealed his predilection for fetish cross-dressing did a lot of damage to me that I am still not over, especially when added to that the devalue and discard of having my now-ex decide that dressing up in women’s lingerie, masturbating (and taking selfies of both) was preferable to being married to me.

        My advice to all newbies is to get out as soon as possible. That was my first impulse, and I’m so sorry I fell for his manipulation (his sad sausage appeal).

        • You have a good heart. None of us knew how deep their character disorders ran.

        • I know everyone has their kinks but there is just something about men and I am a man saying this, it just strikes me as beyond strange the amount of men there appears to be who want to dress in women’s clothing or the married men sneaking off for gay sex. It really is disturbing. I had a manager years ago who was gay but stayed married and in a lie whilst he sneaked away for gay sex and I believe he was married near 20 years then came out and it wrecked his wife and kids. His kids were same age as me and I had asked him if he knew he was gay then why did he do that to her.

          I honestly feel that extreme fetishes is something a partner should be made fully aware of before marriage and then allowed the opportunity to decide if how they feel about that. My ex GF had a serious rape fantasy and it was a major factor in me breaking up with her. She full on wanted me to break in and rape her. If I had married her for talk sake and she then wanted that I would have felt really uncomfortable and probably would have divorced her.

          • I hate the subsequent narrative that they have been “so brave “ for finally coming out .
            Brave after endless lies and the former partners not knowing what to do with all this crap.

          • I know mine cheated with women but in all my review trying to unravel my life with him, I’ve found some things that make me wonder if he’s gay or had male hookups. He also doesn’t follow the pattern of typical hetero guy cheater. It’s just really a weird thing, I was not aware it was as common as it is.

            • Blinders, me too! There were things I looked back on that clearly screamed he was cheating with women AND men, but I just believed so many lies back then. I get so mad at myself for being such a trusting chump, but I’m working on giving myself grace. The full picture didn’t emerge until after he’d already left me and our two toddlers for a stripper on the opposite coast. Wonder if she knows about his secret meetups with men by now?

    • OMG Adelante, my husband too. They never want to dress up as a regular woman in age-appropriate clothes, it’s always teenage tramp/streetwalker clothes. Clownish, freaky and ugly. And very scary. They so want to be central, that they even insist on being the OW.

      • About the lack of age appropriateness in the dress-up– I think there are two reasons– one is that the teen-early twenties is the only time in a womans life where a misogynist thinks she has real value, and the time she has the most social power over men. They don’t want the real life of real women, with the daily casual putdowns and lifetime economic discrimination. The other is that they are mostly terrified of getting old in general…they think being a woman will make them young again because young women are the only ones they notice.

  • “Divorce!? We can’t get a divorce. Imagine if the kids find out I cheated on you. Their image of me will be ruined!”

    • TruthBeTold, OH OH OH Please tell me you divorced him and his image was ruined at his own hands, by his own deeds.

      • Time will tell! Working on the divorce now. I can’t wait until it’s done and I can join in the story telling here instead of just lurking! UBT, watch out.

        So far, he has moved out and schmoopie dumped him pretty much immediately. I really wish she’d take him back. Cake eaters without any cake are very, very intolerable. Meanwhile, kids have barely noticed he’s gone. They do miss the dog though. lol.

        • It’s funny that FWs work so hard on image management but the image people – including their own kids – have of them is not what they think. My son has said he was glad when company would come over because “Daddy pretends he is nice when people come over.” I have had neighbors tell me they think he’s weird. Twice they had parties and said it was a “ladies’ night” get together in the text to me so I would be invited over but not FW. The wife and husband and some of her husband’s work friends and their wives were there, too. It was a full on party. But they wanted me to come over and relax without FW and that was their way of doing it. If I had a get together while FW was out of town, people would come but when he was home, they would decline the invitation or stop by and leave early. FW was oblivious because he knew two narc buddies and as long as they came and drank with him, that was all he cared. But he would say how people loved to come to “his” parties and I said not a word. He believed he had the image of a great guy and everyone liked him. I think he still does. He lives in his own little alternate reality. They all do. Maybe they should try harder to be decent human being who are actually loved and respected for a change, but I guess cheating and being a jerk is just easier.

        • Truth Be Told, your response to my inquiry was simply delightful. I am still chuckling. Thank You!

          I hope he gets to live the “devalue/discard” cycle for an eternity, freeing you from his unwanted attention.

    • They’re really something. Mine doubled over when I said the manager of our grocery store got tears in his eyes when I told him you were cheating with someone 33 years younger than you, manager had dated OW mother. “You told him”!!! Well, yeah. He ask me how the old man was……I wasn’t going to lie.

    • Mine still accuses me of “turning the kids against her”. They had turned 18 (thank god) and we were a 3-man detective team trying to figure out why mom was suddenly never home, sometimes for days. We finally figured it out together. Any image tarnishment was of her own doing.

      • Same!

        My 12 year old son found his text messages to the OW “family friend.” He was heartbroken, and I was furious for being so fucking careless. Fast forward a couple years and somehow the story is that I told the kids, which turned them against him.

        The truth is that they told me much more than I ever knew, and he’s a pathetic, shameless, blame-shifting coward.

        I can’t even begin to describe the torture of my little children knowing what their father was doing. He was so self-absorbed that he didn’t even see them watching. I want to strangle him whenever I think about it. ????????

  • My ex wife said “I can’t imagine life without you” whilst cheating with dozens of men.

    She said “I don’t want a divorce, I don’t want to lose you” whilst cheating with dozens of men and did absolutely nothing to try and stop a divorce.

    She said “You’re the other half of who I am, we’ve been together near all our 20’s and 30’s” whilst fucking dozens of men.

    She said during xmas when she was over with the kids before our divorce was even finished “ I don’t want to hurt you, I love you too much” whilst still cheating.

    She said about my new house “I cling on to the hope that someday we can get back together and I can come live in your new house and be a family again”, whilst she was still cheating.

    She said “ I can’t ever imagine having another man in my life, it just feels wrong” whilst fucking dozens of men.

    I could probably write a novel with all her BS.

    • Tough times and we laugh about it now .
      But it must have been awful when it all happened.

      • It’s hard to believe that was my everyday reality this time last year. So glad I divorced her. Even whilst she was saying all that crap to me I mentioned above, she had no idea I had already filed.

        • Work on yourself .
          Give it time.
          One day you will even look at 2021 and think – I’m better off than I was in that year.
          Tuesday is coming

  • The cakiest thing my ex ever said? Well, he said a lot of cakey things, but the one that takes the cake (heh) is probably this one: “I want a divorce because I want freedom to have sex with other women without you getting all in my business about it. But I think we should keep it a secret. You are a good friend and a good mom to the kids, and there’s no reason to split expenses. Let’s just keep living together, you can keep cleaning the house and we can have family dinners every night. But I don’t want you trying to control my life and who I have sex with.”

    He was shocked when I declined his generous offer. Just shocked.

    • Oh, and he also wanted me to keep it a secret from our church, because he “didn’t think it was their business.” In his mind, it was perfectly normal for us to keep going to church as a family and pretending we were still happily married when we were divorced and he had a girlfriend.

      That was a revelation to me: This is how he thinks all the time. He is the sort of guy who is totally okay with living a double life that deceives everyone around him if it gets him ahead and gives him what he wants.


      • Carol39, my dead H would have been in heaven with your ex’s ideas. He had the exact same expectations. It seems crazy to us, but to a true narcissist, makes sense.

        • It really does make sense for them.

          If my ex could have kept a lid on the schmoops, I have no doubt he would have dragged it on for another year or so with me being the wife to do his bidding, and keep his standing in the church and community, and schmoops I assume providing the extra kicks.

          Schmoops wasn’t the only one, as she found out after they married; but she was his main side fuck.

      • I believe that was the opportunity I missed.

        When I realized soon after his promotion, at the beginning of our last year he was pulling away and things just felt weird, I should have gone to our pastor to talk to. He was the police chaplain (our pastor), I am betting if I had gone to him he would have picked up right away on what the real issue was. It would not have changed the outcome as far and our marriage, as he had already unknown to me destroyed that. However, it would have very likely forced him to come clean, and I could have been out of the mess a lot sooner.

        It is too long to explain the reasons, but there is no doubt in my mind had I gone for counseling from our pastor, he would have been outed, at the very least to me.

        But, of course I didn’t because he was telling me “work stress” and I believed him. He wasn’t yet ready to walk. I suspect he wanted to hold his Captains position long enough to secure it, and he also needed my help in paying for the River property set up. After all he and schmoops needed a place to escape to when the shit hit the fan.

    • So basically he wants a female appliance for all washing and cleaning and cooking whilst he runs around do whatever he wants! These people are insane.

    • Yes, I think they truly are shocked when they realize we are not going to keep serving them in their awesomeness.

      I have absolutely no doubt that in my fws mind, he would D me, I would get lonely and call him to come back. Me and the whore would essentially trade places. What ass wipes they are.

    • Mine gave me the same offer but without a legal divorce so I could stay on his health insurance. He’s generous like that.

    • Wow, “you can keep cleaning the house”!!?!??? That is the height and depth of blatant chutzpah!!!

      • Yep, he said that for real. He also speculated that he could get his own apartment, but he would keep a key to the house so that he could wander over whenever he felt like it and hang out with me and the kids. Now he is so mad because I ruined all his happy fantasies.

    • Carol39,

      HaHaHaHa….At least now, at almost 4 years I can laugh instead of cry…

      Mine said something along the same lines but his had the twist of, “I want to ‘date’ other women without feeling guilty.”


      I am no contact so I don’t know how the ‘dating’ is panning out for him but, from what I have learned about these NWD types (My newest favorite phrase learned here = Nasty Wandering Dick.) is that he is probably free from guilt as well as the stress of leading a double life.

      I am not even sure he ever did feel guilty….just the stress of double-life’ing it… he probably just tossed in the guilt part to look good.

  • so many, but 2 of my favorites: “it was something I wanted to try and now I am done with it”.
    hmmm.. lying, cheating, or blow jobs and anal sex with male massage therapists and complete strangers? a decade long trial and done with it because he got caught.

    and, “if we stay together or if we don’t, we will both always know what happened. We should just stay together, so we don’t grow old alone.” What a big pile of lying, cheating, gas lighting POS he is! how did it take me so long to figure it out?

  • Said to our marriage therapist (when she wouldn’t give up the affair and I was frantically pick-me-dancing and dying inside):

    “I feel like I’m in the first real adult relationship of my life.”

    My jaw dropped: I was and am a tenured college professor for over twenty years, responsible and loving father of our two children, we’d been married eight years, I’ve owned homes, I don’t smoke, drink, excellent credit…. In other words an adult to a fault. What the hell was she talking about?

    • ????
      The hypocrisy and inauthenticity of these freaks makes your head spin.

    • I’m guessing she meant the first time SHE felt like an adult. Because she was seeing you as provider/parent, and feeling grown up for making a decision without parent’s input … people with the emotional age of 10 are going to feel like they’re Big People when they start taking 13-year-old sneak-something-on-mom-and-dad actions.

    • Sounds like she was accidentally admitting her own despicable lack of maturity; she not qualified to be an arbiter of yours.

  • Here’s one (of many):

    “If it had been a two-week affair or a two-year affair, you never would have forgiven me.”

    So he went for the 2.5-year affair. It was the only rational course of action because I’m such an unforgiving bitch. MY FAULT!

    • Why do we have to tell the kids? What if I want to come back in a few weeks. He also told his dad. I will come home in a year. I just want a year with the ow. I filed after a six months of pick me dancing.

      • Oh, and the affair partners just looove it when our spouses tell them that they’re only good for a brief fling, don’t they? I have a dump of texts between my STBX and her most recent affair partner that would be comical if it weren’t so sad. (We are all women.) In them, AP kept passive-aggressively nudging STBX to leave me and choose her, while STBX kept reminding her that she did not plan to leave me. “Can’t we just get together every six weeks and enjoy ourselves?” Then AP complained about feeling used, but kept coming back for more…
        So much disorder, so little time.

  • I love you, but I love myself more.

    We can be friends with benefits.

    Him at 43, I don’t find women over 25 attractive. (But I don’t want to let you go) Then he asks Me @ 43, let’s renew our wedding vowels, ????‍♀️Ummmm yeah nah! How about No?

    • My ex said similar things about only being attracted to very young women. He told me I couldn’t expect him to be attracted to me at my age, no man can be attracted to a woman my age, it’s unreasonable to expect that. (We are the same age.) Then he told me he looks like a child in high school and I look like his mom. At 40. He said he has to keep a beard or people think he’s a teen. No one will take him seriously at work without a beard because he looks like a child.

      I was so confused, everyone I told was so confused. He doesn’t look like a child at all and why would he think it was a a good thing if he did?

      Because he’s an adult baby. As are his girlfriends. They wear diapers and adult size baby onesies and suck on pacifiers while they have sex. I was apparently the mean mom who wouldn’t let him play with the other babies. *shudder*

      • Whoa! I just crossed myself, and I’m not even religious, let alone Catholic.

        I wonder what % of cheaters are sexual deviants. I would guess it’s pretty high.

        • I didn’t know that about the adult baby thing specifically but I believe it. He definitely has a porn addiction. It’s beyond excessive. And I was stunned because I never thought he had these “fantasies” when we were married or were younger but I’ve read that porn addicts develop new perversions because they get bored. I’ve had a lot of talks with my young adult son about it and I’m hoping it serves as a cautionary tale to him. Look what dad turned himself into. He’s as horrified by it all as I am.

      • When I confronted my ex about how young the women were that he was contacting, he’s 52 and trying for 20-25 yr old girls. He said yeah I’m not having much luck. As though I would be sympathetic to him. What a jerk.

        When I found teenager incest porn on a shared computer that my 10 year old uses, I reported my ex to the Australian federal police and child protection services.
        He is totally out of control. I don’t even know who that person I was with for 33 years is anymore. Sad dirty liar.

        There was something someone wrote on CN a while ago that resonates deeply with me…

        When you see one cockroach, chances are there are 40,000 more behind the wall, so whatever it is you have actually seen in regards to them watching porn, chance are it is worse that you could ever imagine. And it just escalates.

        I will never forget the disgust I felt when I found his secret double life.

  • Carol39–at least he said what most of them are thinking, they want their cake and eat it too, they want a cleaner, babysitter, bill payer, admin assistant, but they also want the uncommitted sex on the side. So immature and gross. Mine proposed we have an open marriage. They just can’t understand why they can’t sleep around!

    • It’s not an “open marriage” AFTER the cheater gets caught. Open marriage is an agreement PRIOR to getting naked with someone other than your spouse. Either way it wouldn’t work for me.

      • Yeah, mine did the ‘open relationship’ thing. Posthumously. At least five years into cheating with multiple partners.

        Found out later that she’d been telling her work colleagues and our mutual friends for years that we were in an open realtionship. I was the only person who didn;t know this.

        • Mine called himself an “ethical non monogamist” while lying to me and gaslighting me. It’s funny to me now, I don’t know if he got off more with that lie or if he’s just too stupid to know what ethical means. LOL

          • Inigo Montoya ” I do not think that word means what he thinks it means” LOLOL. Maybe he thinks it is a fancy way to say “frequent” or “sleazy”

  • About 6 months after I’d moved out and CheaterX had married Schmoopie, he discovered that Schmoopie had been cheating on him while he’d been cheating on me. She was also filing for divorce, since apparently her Married AP’s chump wife finally had had enough with the cheating and was also filing.

    CheaterX left me the sad sausage voicemail, telling me I was right, that Schmoopie was in it for the money (I never told him that Schmoopie was a gold-digger. That was self evident to anyone who had half a brain). Life was hard and he’d do “anything, anything at all” to have me and the dogs back in the house.

    Best line: “When the dust settles, you and I can sit down to see where we go from here.”

    Uh, no. We are divorced. I am no person’s Plan B.

    Of course I didn’t tell him that. No Contact is the way to peace.

  • My dumba$$ ex told my best friend of 20+ years that I “would be back, all she wanted was a trophy husband”

    Her response: “I don’t think she’ll be back, you gave her a STD”

    She proceeded to tell me he was delusional and she would not support a reconciliation.

    The point to all these stories is the same. These people are personally disordered wing nuts. Staying far far away from them should be one of our purposes in life.

  • My ex wanted us to have dinner every Thursday after separation. Apparently, I was good at making him laugh. I didn’t fall for this even though months after separation I fell for a hoover and a brief wreconciliation. Thankfully, that’s all over now.

    • Wow, Thursdays, that’s so specific. Glad he could squeeze you in to his busy schedule. Not.

    • Mine did something similar when joyfully setting up his new pad and being so glad about his new life in front of me and getting my daughter all involved in how exciting it was. He said let’s called it Family Headquarters No. 2 and you can come round for dinner and I’ll still come round here.

      What a mindfuck. He didn’t know I knew about the affair at that point and the guilt was strong so he did a fair bit of DIY and paid half of stripping the floors and putting in a new shower and these lovely old-fashioned radiators which are known amongst my friends as the ‘radiators of guilt’.

      Obviously the dinner invites were immediately curtailed once I told him I knew he’d had an affair for a year and a half. Then I was the meanest awfullest person in the world. (what a surprise hey!)

  • On DDay: “If you and the kids really love me then you should be happy for me – I have finally found my happiness”(with OW).
    Still makes me sick to my stomach – feeling queasy just typing it.

    And later in multiple email and text screeds: “You have to talk to the kids and get them to talk to me. They need both parents.” Um buddy, once you left for OW my to do list regarding your needs officially ended and BTW our kids are adults and have decided not to talk to you on their own accord.

    • “Um buddy, once you left for OW my to do list regarding your needs officially ended and BTW our kids are adults and have decided not to talk to you on their own accord.”

      That’s also true of my own adult kids, contrary to what my ex says. (He says I poisoned them to go against him. Nope. He did that all by himself. It was years in the making. It wasn’t even about the affair, although that was the final straw. Turns out that years of emotional abuse will alienate the kids.)

      • It’s funny isn’t it, but for us long-timers (and sometimes our children) the affair isn’t the catalyst that brings it all down, it is the just final straw, the one that can’t be ignored or explained away with some lame excuses about trauma in his childhood. My youngest actually said that she immediately felt relieved that he was gone.

          • Ditto. I thought it was going to be traumatic for the kids (5&10) when we left, but not a tear shed from them. It was a relief to leave and it was actually traumatic to stay. I am sorry I stayed dysfunctional with him so long. We just moved and this home is stress-free! (Except when he tries to stir it up)

            • I hope this gives strength to the chumps out there who are “staying for the kids,” my teen didn’t shed a single tear either.

              When I told him Dad wouldn’t be living with us anymore because he broke our family rules too many times, my kid just shrugged and said “okay.”

              He is a calmer and happier kid now that the stress and drama is out of the house.

              • Why doesn’t my ex write this to me: “Hey, I respect that the kids don’t want to communicate with me, but could you reassure me that they are doing ok? ”

                The guy I thought I thought I was married to would have asked that question. Alas, now that the curtain has fallen, he isn’t even pretending that he cares.

        • Wow. Mine said “I’m really sorry for you dad, but I’m kinda glad mom left, the house is so peaceful now”. The biggest benefit to CL is realizing that my situation is (unfortunately) not unique. Its oddly comforting.

          • Yes , I kicked my ex-wife out and spent my time turning the house into a home for me and the kids .
            I have 50% custody – the kids refer to my place at home and her place as “mum’s house “.
            But it is a reflection of what you spend your time and energy on : you can either create a home or you can be busy on tinder dates .
            The way your place looks will be a reflection of your actions .

          • QC I feel the same. Reading everyone’s stories brings me huge comfort. It’s sad to be part of a club you didn’t want to be in, but the support and strength I gain is incredible.

  • I asked mine how he’d feel if I was the one cheating. He said he wouldn’t like it. I asked why. He said because I was his wife. So like a possession? WTF?

    He told me after d-day #3 that he deeply loves me and that he’ll do anything to rebuild our love and earn back my trust….. so d-day #4 was a month later. Also found out he hired at least one hooker during that time.

    While having sex, he told me that I was so good at it, I could be paid for it. WTF?

    He said his greatest fear was losing me. Um….. really? So why continue to neglect, devalue, discard, gaslight, blame shift, lie, deceive, betray….. Guess the fear wasn’t to lose me as a person, but the image and usefulness of me. Douchbag.

  • “Just give me a few months to see if I like being with her and if I don’t I’ll come back to you”

    “I gave you so many chances to make me happy”

  • Mine said of his AP, “I know the games she plays.”

    My thought: “What? And yet you still want to give up your entire life for her.”

    Games R Him

  • “Why can’t I love two men like the men in the Bible who had more then one wife” “You don’t have Biblical grounds for divorce because I didn’t leave you for AP” “You are more attractive to me then the AP(s)” and was genuinely shocked when I was pissed that she would uglier men. There was more but she was pissed that I didn’t just forgive her and stay with her.

    • Since going with the bible, we can stone them to death for adulterous behaviour. Bet they wish to avoid that bit.

    • I get it. Her first (of many) AP looked like a tattooed ghostly white Shrek. My first thought was “If she found a buff tall/dark/handsome rich doctor/lawyer, I can’t compete with that, but this gorilla? WTF?

      • Quantum, she found someone to match who SHE IS, not YOU. Don’t compare! That’s the lesson I have to keep learning too.

        Now we are free to attempt to find someone genuine. Cheaters can have all the tattooed Shreks they want. Good riddance

      • They always down grade .
        I’m a doctor ( I leave others to judge if I’m handsome ) and athletic, have hair on my head.
        She left me for an overweight, bold company rep for theatre equipment.
        Sales people – bottom feeders .
        During pick me dance time , I used to look at his social media photos trying to figure out what he had .
        He is long blocked of course but nowadays I’d shake his hand , and thank him for all the positive changes he initiated in my life .

        • Same here (um well, not a doctor.). I’ve been told that I’m attractive. She, on the other hand, looks like a bobble head. Friends couldn’t believe that this unattractive woman was the OW. “That’s a joke, right?” Interestingly, he would tell me that I was naturally beautiful but he could see a beautiful woman and not be attractive to her. I was also the kindest person he had ever met. I read that the AP is purposely not attractive so that FW feels more attractive. They like to use us on their arms but secretly despise us for being more attractive. All image management and completely F*cked Up.

  • Mine left for the OW. He was obviously dumbfounded that I didn’t do some B-52s version of the pick-me dance. That’s when he got all Prufrock on me (“Dare I eat a peach?”).

    A few weeks later and hungry for cake, he decided to woo me back with the sorriest bunch of pathetic behaviors I have ever seen. Of them all, the following remains at the top of the shit list:

    “I’m getting my colonoscopy done on Monday. Could you take me because they said I can’t drive afterwards?”

    The litany of sarcasm that came to mind was so overwhelming, all I could get out was a definite “No” and a look of incredulous disgust.

    He was actually surprised and upset that I refused, and I do believe it became one of the reasons he used to justify the divorce.

    After cheating and abandoning the family on Christmas, he wants me to hold his hand and discuss his colon polyps while he farts in bed?!

    • That’s so funny—I think my ex’s first colonoscopy was a contributing factor in him abandoning me for a woman he had known for 3 weeks. The colonoscopy completely freaked him out—old age and mortality and all that—and he was a total ass (pun intended) to me throughout the whole ordeal. He left me a week after he got the results (one tiny non cancerous polyp they snipped off). What is it with these cheaters and their fear of death?

    • ChumpQueen: “ He was obviously dumbfounded that I didn’t do some B-52s version of the pick-me dance.”
      THAT is so it! The over-the-top, music video, semi-cinematic soap-operic expectation of how you will *perform* for them.

      • Oh, yeah, and the hand-holding after the Christmas abandonment shirt. Because of course.

  • “You will always be the love of my life”, “those women meant nothing, I just wanted to see them naked, not even have sex with them”. “Why you could not send me sexy pictures?, they didn’t have a problem”. “See, even with all the weight gained, they find my attractive, they treat me like a god”
    Dudddee, get out…

  • “I look forward to the day when all of this is over, and we can sit across from each other at a restaurant and talk like old friends. It’s a comfort knowing we’ll always be a part of each other’s lives.”

    Yes. Let’s share a meal together. I can’t wait to hear how the AP has settled into MY house and picked her colors for the big remodel.

    **It should be noted that after I rejected his settlement proposal that was only slightly above $0.00, he withdrew his offer to be a dinner companion in our elder years. We’re now locked in a Battle Royale. It’s all good—I’ve grown accustomed to eating alone.

    • I would greatly prefer to have dinner with my book and my dog than with a FW.

    • I can definitely relate. What started as, “I still want to be friends” ended as “you crazy fucking bitch.”

      Guess he didn’t like my response…. ????

      • Throw in two or three more expletives, and I’m right there with you.

    • BookandDogLover mine too. My FW still wanted to take me out on his bike and come over to share meals. He had moved his ho worker into his ‘other’ house within days of leaving (maybe only hours ????) and the whore was happily putting on Pinterest her decorating ideas for said house. My children found this (they’re all adults). When I filed he was gobsmacked… Sent me a message stating the above with sad crying emoji’s WTF!!!
      Currently still in the painful divorce grinder. Fighting for my 31 years of wasted investment 401k. NC rules. Not at meh! But way way in the distance I see my Tuesday on the horizon.

  • Mine just wanted the financial cake. I followed my lawyer’s advice and closed our joint accounts. I continued paying all living expenses and transferred half of what was left to her account. She was livid. She demanded a meeting with her and her father. I agreed but brought a friend as a witness. Her father didn’t say a word the whole time she raged at how unfair it was. She looked like a lunatic and all I said was that this is what happens in a divorce and that it was per my lawyer’s advice. To this day I don’t really know what she expected or wanted. I think she was just angry about losing control. Consequences suck.

  • For my 20th wedding anniversary, I got

    “For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about moving out by myself for a while but I don’t want a divorce.”


    “I’ve been lying and for how long you will never know. I want to go test-drive a blowup doll and if it doesn’t work out I want to come back.”

    I knew what was up immediately, which he denied denied denied lied lied lied lied.

    After Magnum PI Sherlock Joe Kenda busted the affair wide open, he said, I heard the cakiest most obtuse idiocy I never thought I’d ever hear from a human I personally knew:

    “You’re my best friend.”

    “I thought you would be friends with her someday.”

    “She’s a lot like you.”

    If only there were some kind of identifying mark on these people, like Damien’s 666 tattoo hidden in the hair at the base of his skull. A tangible mark to break the hopium spell and shatter the denial.

    • Velvet, there is no insult more profound than to be told “She is a lot like you.” No asshole, she is not. She is a whore and Velvet is a Lady with a capital L.

      • ????

        They only hope these whores are like us, unfortunately for them by the time they figure out they aren’t, too late.

  • Asshat tried to have one last piece of cake by the ocean when he handed me divorce papers. I was sobbing while he made the moves. I was like WTF? Hell no. That lead to him sending me a horrible email.

    I realize now that most of what Asshat told me over the years was stupid shit. If his lips move, it’s lies!

    “she’s a good Catholic girl”
    “we only SLEPT together, we didn’t have sex”

    • OMG, I completely forgot about this gem. Mine said almost the same thing…”if you knew her, you wouldn’t call her a mistress, she’s a devout Catholic, an even better Christian than you.”

      • Oh the one that can’t follow the Ten Commandments ? You know, the one that can’t follow the guide to being a decent person ? Okey dokey

        • This, ^ , it’s pretty simple. All the rest is a bunch of gaslighting, self-absorbed bs.

      • It is too bad you couldn’t have said “Just because she screams Oh God, Oh God while hanging on to her ankles, doesn’t make her a devout Catholic.”

        Sorry don’t mean to be offensive, but that is right up there with my fw’s whore telling my daughter in law that God sent her just when fw needed her.

        These people are awful.

        • Never heard that one Susie. Thanks for the ????

    • I’m sorry KD that one made me laugh out loud, what an ass – he sounded like he was the director of HR handling a routine round of employee layoffs.

  • “I’m just not good at relationships.”

    Translation: I’m a pathetic insecure piece of shit with a shitty toupee that needs other women to stroke ny ego.

    “We were just catching up”.

    Yet he when he briefly thought their FB messages were public he was terrified that others had seen his “catching up”.

  • Cheater after D-Day (apologies for the repeats on this blog):

    “I only lied about ONE THING.” Later he said, “I lied to you every day for 2 1/2 years, but I had to because you would have gotten angry. I also had to protect her (the OW).” WTFFFFFF!!!!????

    “Maybe if I’d held your hand more.”

    “I love you both.”

    “Maybe we can get back together in 3 years.”

    “I’ll always care about you.”

    “The voice of defiance keeps me going and wards off despair.”

    “I’m impulsive.”

    “She flirted.”

    • I got “One mistake does not a person make.” I wasn’t quick enough to ask what the single mistake she was referring to was, so I could specify every other lie and shitty manipulation she didn’t mention. But then again, why subject myself to more diarrhea than I have to?

      • That goes hand-in-hand with “but I’m still a good person”. Ummm right, maybe in her head.

        • My ex wife had the biggest sad sausage look on her when she said “I’m a good mother”. I just stared at her in disbelief. She spent years going on about how she believes on kids being in a married stable home with both parents and even year before all her cheating was caught she stated how glad she was that our kids did not have a broken home. Well now she is a single mother of three young kids and all due to her own actions. Super wonderful amazing mother. Oh and let’s not forget the getting drunk and smoking weed and doing gods knows what.

          • Mine also claimed the good parent award. He said I didn’t do anything to him (our son). I tried explaining that breaking up our family was definitely going to impact our 7 year old. Just didn’t agree with me on that and then spouted the “kids are resilient” b.s.

            • Yes kids are resilient ????. She said that also. Despite my little girl ending up in therapy and still getting therapy at 10 years old. My 7 year old son was torn apart. My oldest son cried himself to sleep every night and told me a few months ago at 11 years old that he does not ever want to fall in love with a girl as she will cheat and break his heart like mommy did to daddy. I held him every night whilst he cried. He also started acting out in school. They will not get over this and it breaks my heart the damage she has done to them. I’ve been out of the house for over three months now and it’s all still so raw.

              • I’m with you, Chumpy. Keep holding on. They will realize who has their backs when they grow up.

                It is painful to watch and it’s the thing that makes me hate my ex the most. I just know I have to help my son get through his heartbreak and it’s a long game.

                Sending you thoughts of strength.

              • “The kids are resilient” story is a bullshit lie, cheaters tell to make themselves feel better .
                But – kids can build resilience and the role model they have is you.
                You will show them with your resilience and love how to deal with awful situations.
                And if later down the track you find a new partner then they can also have a relationship they can model their own expectations on.
                You are their key to stable mental health .

              • Early intervention. I’m glad your children have you as a parent. (((Hugs))) to you and yours.

          • Mine was a totally awesome dad – his AW who incidentally, never met our kids or saw him interact with them believed this, so it must be true :/ . Anyway, he went ballistic when I explained to him that awesome dads don’t blow up their children’s families, mentally abuse their children, abuse their children’s mom and use family resources to pay for on hotels with whores.

            • So true! While they were cheating on each other’s spouses, my ex sold the AP on the BS lie that he was a great dad. On DDay, it must have come as a shock when all three adult children went NC.

              Sure, he says it’s all Spinach’s fault, but I have to think that the OW is beginning to see through that BS storyline, esp when she witnesses firsthand his moodiness and general assholery, which he probably kept in check when they were sneaking around.

              Oh, and no doubt he blames the AP for wrecking his relationship with his kids. All that blame he always shifted to me has to find a different host.

        • Ohhh mine said that too! I had the presence of mind to say, “you may not be a bad man, but you sure as hell aren’t a good one.”

          That actually broke through his conceit for a brief moment and he rested up. He’s one of those “nice guys” and EVERYONE thinks he’s such a nice man. It’s the story he tells himself as he thinks he’s a good man. Delusional.

  • Jerk; “Don’t you know it shortens a man’s lifespan if his wife leaves him?”

    Me; “That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.”

    He was always giving me openings like that. Not the brightest lad.

  • It was our THERAPIST who told me the cheating was okay because cheater always came back to me…!!! And she implied that I was controlling because I wasn’t okay with cheating…. Needless to say I never went back to her after that.

    • Marissa Chump, I hope you left a scathing review for that so-called therapist. There needs to be some sort of rating system for these cheater apologist therapists. A chalk mark on the door to the office! Some way to disclose that this therapist is just fine with adultery and the soul murdering cheater.

      • I agree with you, Thirtythreeyearsachump. Unfortunately I did not because I don’t feel safe doing so. This city has a reasonably small to mid sized queer/trans community and this therapist is very much a part of it. I think it was in my best interest to quietly disappear and not bring it up publicly, sadly. That and said therapist is now, of course, friends with my cheater ex, who is a downright dangerous person.

  • After proposing that I pay to rent her an apartment (love nest) where she could “find herself” (in other guys’ pants) she said “I’ll come home every Sunday and cook you and the kids a nice family dinner”.
    Ahh, no thanks, the kids and I will learn how to cook our own Sunday dinners.

    In the same conversation she said “During this time of discovery, I guess I can’t be upset if you were to have sex with other women”. I told her any woman who would have sex with a married man (me), is not a woman with whom I want to have sex. She accused me of being a Puritan.

    • I got accused of being “old fashioned” because I wasn’t into getting tied up and whipped and degraded for my husband’s pleasure. I was old fashioned, boring and vanilla.

      • I was continually being told I was puritanical and trying to restrict his drinking. Weirdly I didn’t like being abused when he was drunk. I’ll own that puritanical aspect of my character with pride.

        He told me I was obnoxious for stating that he was hiding money. But he was hiding money, as well as a girlfriend! The man’s an idiot. Can’t think what I ever saw in him.

  • “When we break up, can I still call you for sex?”


  • Before I new about Narcissism-I just honestly thought my ex husband was going through a midlife challenge.

    For 20 years.

    • I honestly did think that for that last year. but then it became clear that he had been doing it for years. Honestly, I don’t think he intended to do anything but screw around. It was easy for him to pull off because I was so trusting, and I was not the investigative type.

      Then he got wrapped around the axle when he started fucking his direct report. He did the typical shit where you eat dance, and he lost. He paid the price career wise. The price he paid in losing me, was insignificant, had he cared about that he wouldn’t have treated me so shabbily. But losing his promotion, his cushy office, his standing in local politics? Priceless.

  • (When asked about catfishing women on dating apps) “I was trying to be more attracted to you.”

    (When asked about anonymous hookups with men) “We didn’t actually have sex. He just put it in a little.”

    (When asked about how he could sleep at night while cheating for years) “I didn’t think I was hurting you.”

    • OMG I near died reading that “he just put it in a little”. I give up ????‍♂️ One of the biggest things I noticed from my ex wife’s excuses and lies and reading the hundreds of comments on CL, these cheaters are truly almost child like in their lies and excuses. It feels like us chumps honestly take on a parent type role with them in the later stages before we leave/divorce.

      • The parentisizing is pretty common from what I read.

        I know my ex actually tried to tell me about his “first time” with the whore. I stopped him in his tracks and said I am your wife. I think as he was sneaking around he was feeling like a teenager sneaking around. I guess I was supposed to be happy for him for being able to hump the whore in the back seat of his squat car.

        I am sure the thrill subsided fairly quickly after he left, but during that last year, he had a good time sneaking around, up until he got his nuts caught in the office wringer.

    • “We didn’t have sex. He just rubbed my belly button with the tip”

      • My ex wife’s amazing lie last summer when her cheating was caught. I read verbatim to her what she sent in a message to one of her AP’s “you taste amazing” explain that I asked and she said this “he put his finger in my mouth”. ????

        • The above quote is out of the mouth of a mean girl I went to school with. The pay phone was outside my dorm room; she was cheating on her boyfriend. These people are like this from childhood and are to be avoided. All of the bullies from my youth grew up to be terrible people. A couple of them crashed and burned in an epic way.Teach your children well in age appropriate terms that such people exist, without scaring them.

          • Belly Button and I attended the same high school for a couple of years. She finished at another school and we were classmates again at uni. She was a bitch in high school and I can only imagine what she’s like now. They hone their psycho skills. I’ve been reading another classmate’s blog and one of her posts addressed female friendships. She only used Belly Button’s first name and I knew who she was talking about. BB tormented this girl,unbeknownst to me at the time.

            • Surprisingly my ex wife during high school was not a bully as she was bullied herself for being the fat nerdy girl. However, every job she had in her 20’s always ended up with many in the work place not liking her as she was bossy, opinionated, said she did a better job than everyone else so forth. Even now at 37 and where she works many think the same thing about her. She is a control freak. Her having to control everything was also an issue with her family. Another example of her sheer jealousy and control over me was last Christmas when she turned up unannounced and started punching me in the chest whilst screaming “you’re mine, you’re mine”. She has also previously given me concussion and I’ve had knives held to me. A few times I came home and she pulled my boxers down to check me for any signs I’d been with a girl.

              It hit me like a ton of bricks when it was pointed out to me that I was the victim of domestic abuse. I was so stupidly oblivious to the reality I was living in.

              • A frog slowly boiled in a pot of what started as room temperature water. I’m glad you jumped out ????

  • Yes, I could write a book. He abandoned the marriage and went far away. He was vague about what he did with his time or who he was doing it with. We went round-and-round for a year before I settled for myself that I didn’t trust him a bit and would only reconcile if he came back and if we lived separately in a supervised separation with therapy. I was naive then and didn’t grasp how even that was doomed to fail, but it was a big step for me to draw that line. He kept alternately hating me for my boundary and promising his undying love. He came up with very disordered ways of reconciling that were pure crazy and assumed flip-the-switch forgiveness. Yes, reconcile with someone with a history of colorful issues that I hadn’t seen in over a year. I still had almost no information about what he was doing with his time.

    He sent me a romantic Christmas card with a large check about missing me and being miles apart. Talk about a big, fat mind f*ck. He took off and created the big mess, and he’s now he’s missing me? I could only think of one other time he said that after he left. The trust was gone, and I was sickened by the games. Sure he missed the supply and the sex, but that ship had sailed for me. A therapist friend of mine likes to say that if you are confused by their behavior, consider that manipulation is behind it because manipulation is always confusing. I replied politely and impersonally. He was spending the holidays with his family and wished him well.

    My ex’s insistence that it would be quick-and-easy divorce was a lie too. Tens of thousands and over two years later for something that should have taken a few months. When I signed my agreement, my attorney made me promise that I would take what happened as a measure of how little he thought me and have nothing to do with him. Yes, I got that.

    • “ A therapist friend of mine likes to say that if you are confused by their behavior, consider that manipulation is behind it because manipulation is always confusing.”

      What an excellent piece of advice.

  • He said that a pastor told him that an affair can make a marriage more vibrant.

    Basically the false belief that an affair makes a couple work through their ‘issues.’

    (Just like a rape would help us express our sexuality better…. No GD way)

  • Lying is an instinct to me. I want to be with somebody for whom honesty isn’t as important.

  • I also got, “It’s only a problem because you’re making it a problem. She doesn’t mean anything.” AND the best, “At least I didn’t have a baby on you.” HOWEVER, he did end up getting one of his “true loves” pregnant then hid that and the child support he pays for their now 2.5 yr old! I just found out last year, when I discovered he was cheating on me AGAIN (during pandemic) and found hidden pay stubs showing the support. He NOW says, “I can’t help if she got pregnant while we weren’t together!” I said, “We weren’t ‘together’ because I found out you were f**king her!” There is also the, “I could not bring myself to tell you because I knew how much it would hurt you.” REALLY?! All this while we were actually planning a wedding finally. We were together (not even married, talk about commitment ????) for 19 years! I finally left last month! Everyday I see more of what a manipulative liar he truly is. Thank God!

    • Congratulations on getting free. Ain’t it the truth that once you get out of their crazy, it gets easier to see their crazy!

      • Yes so true! Step back from the wall and you can see the writing on it ????????

  • A couple weeks after dday and the split, we (our family and my sons wife’s family) were all at my grandsons baseball game. All of us were furious at FW for what he was doing. Everyone was cordial and said hello. He texted me after the game and said “I was really uncomfortable today.” I don’t remember if I responded. I do remember thinking “ no shit Sherlock. You threw the family under the bus and expected us to be friendly?” Oblivious!

    • HE was uncomfortable!!! What about YOU? No doubt he gave no consideration to your feelings.

      Also, are all cheaters unable to consider consequences??

  • Oh, I just thought of another one. This maudlin gem was uttered when he realized that he’d miscalculated, the AP wouldn’t be embraced by one and all, that his own adult children wanted nothing to do with him, and that he’d fucked up royally.

    He said, “Will my kids even come to my funeral when I die?”

    And that’s when I knew he dialed in to the pity channel and would probably stay there forever.

    • “Will my kids even come to my funeral ?” Nope.

      One of the funniest comments I read on this blog was by a woman who always suspected her husband was a cheater. She found lots of evidence after he died. To make herself feel better, she visited his gravesite and whizzed on it. I’m imagining a special outfit for the occasion. A very long skirt, commando underneath so nobody sees her and calls the police. ????????

      My father and wife 3.0 spent a small fortune to be memorialized at a historic cemetery in NYC, purchasing some of the last plots. What are the chances that my great-grandfather, another cheating p.o.s. who abandoned and disinherited his only two children, is buried there ? G-g’s father purchased the plot for himself, his wife and his children. There’s even an obelisk.

      I imagine I will hear of my father’s death via email or I might see his death notice in the NY Times. Not an obit since he’s only a legend in his own mind. By the way, those death notices are pricey. Next time I’m in Manhattan after he dies, maybe I’ll take the subway and “water” their graves with the contents of a bottle. Or not. Not worth the cost of a subway token.

    • [email protected] one of my girls (adult) told her FW father that the ONLY time she would ever be in a room with his AP would be at his funeral. This was after he’d once again tried to manipulate her into a meeting.

  • I got these lovely remarks.
    “She is fun all the time not boring like you.”
    “We are only friends.”
    “I thought you would not care because you told me to find someone else.
    “I never had sex with her. I would never do that to you.”

  • After my stbxw had an affair with a woman.

    “Well when I leave maybe we will get back together in 6-12 months if I realize I made a mistake.”

    “I never meant to hurt you.”

    “She just makes me come alive like no one else has.”

    “Can you look past the pain I caused you and look to the pain of my childhood and we can still be friends.” (My response, no. What you did was fucked up and wrong and I have never been treated like that by anyone in my entire life. The only reason I am amicable with you is for the sake of the children and because of my still intact faith.

    We signed a separation contract (my idea) and 5 months later she wants more money. She works 27 hours per week and refuses to get a full time job. “Well I wanted more money because I heard you are working side jobs.” Because I am backwards financially because the courts won’t reduce my child custody because you want get a fucking job you idiot.

    She has brought the woman around my kids all.the.time and has had her sleep in the bed with my 8 year old son. She was told by 2 separate counselors not to do this because it would be very very confusing to the kids (13, 10, 8). Kids found out about the girlfriend from one of my neighbors. I told the kids to discuss the issue with their mother first and then I would respond. Wife’s answer to the question of “is Marchelle your girlfriend?” From my 8 year old son, “no, she is my special friend and work is ok with us doing this.”

    I get the kids and hear the story… so my response to the kids… “your mother is lying. Marchelle is your moms girlfriend and in fact your mother can get fired from her job because Marchelle is your mothers direct supervisor.” (Wife is a para educator in a school district and the woman is her direct supervisory teacher that she works for every day.)

    I will stop there but there is so much more.

    • I’m so sorry the AP is around the kids. It’s the worst feeling ever. How gross of her to have them share beds ????

      • You may want to mention this to your attorney. Women can be child molesters too.

  • This is how he told me about the divorce;
    “I’ve researched this. I am going to file for a divorce and a Catholic annulment. The house is in negative equity, so you will GIVE it to me, as I can afford it. You are going to go along with this, (divorce, annulment kid living with him) or I will make sure you are handed a $30,000 negative equity check on TOP of the divorce costs”.

    Incredulous. I thought of lying to Father Wayne (I liked him) at a tribunal to religiously annul out 28 year marriage.
    “Annulment? You think I’m going to LIE to a priest (Fr. Wayne) and to a three party tribunal?!!?!?”

    “Why not?” He said. “You would benefit, too.”

    Total smirk on his face. Thought he had it all planned out. Everyone was going to be frog marched to his specifications. May he get 100% karma retuned his way..

    He threatened me with financial ruin the FIRST TIME he spoke about a divorce. What a piece of shit he truely is.

  • Ditto. I thought it was going to be traumatic for the kids (5&10) when we left, but not a tear shed from them. It was a relief to leave and it was actually traumatic to stay. I am sorry I stayed dysfunctional with him so long. We just moved and this home is stress-free! (Except when he tries to stir it up)

  • I got no expressions of his desire for more cake. He left and the only time he looks back is to see how hard he could kick me.

    Trouble is, I kick back. I am absolutely NOT the same woman I was before D-Day…. and it wouldn’t matter if I was…. he does not want me. Once he’d secured someone else he could use…. I was history.

  • “Sure wish we had been able to move here together.”

    This was written to me a year after the Colonel married his embryo-aged military minion who agreed to move to the isolated 31-square-mile island that he is currently living…. apparently now with regrets. ????

  • My husbands two year long affair with an old fuck-buddy was exposed as he invited her to a party held in our home. He had wed her (yes he’s a vicar) some 20 years ago, then within a year ended up having an extenden weekend fucking her, and at that time he was married and so was she. When confronted about what the hell was going on, as it became crystal clear that she was something else than “a close friend” to him, he replied that “nothing could happen because he had wed her”. To take it a bit further, when confronted the day after, he stated that he would not cut of the relation, as she was so valuable to him. No, he would like to examen if he could have a relationship with two women at the same time. I never gave him the choice.

  • I got all the standards- we can still be friends, I was never going to leave you, etc. but the most truthful pity text was – I miss your cooking. You make good biscuits. That’s the only one I still have but now I know it’s time to delete it. Not once did he ask how we were or missed us just what you can do for me.

    • Just before we left he yelled that he was the reason I’m alive. He saved me. 15 yrs earlier I had cancer with treatment of high dose chemo, bone marrow transplant, long months of radiation. We had a new born and three yo. I was like WTF are you thinking? Are you having a God complex? How long had he thought this or was he pulling random shit from his head?
      Crazy enough a couple of drs said the trauma from him pulling a gun and raping me 15 months before my diagnosis may be the reason I got it in the first place since it was non genetic, non hormonal, even though I was pregnant, and aggressive.
      That was some really stupid shit to say!!

      • Informal…That’s just horrific. You are freaking mighty for surviving all that. Just wow at what FWs are capable of. Hope you are happy and healthy in your new cheater-free life

  • I think getting divorced would be exciting, I love change.
    I love you, Judith ( 6 year affair) Jean ( 8 year affair, made sure I knew he talked to her every single day of those 8 years) and ? (his current new mistress turned wife that was nameless at the time of this comment and was a 6 year affair) and I will always be there for all of you forever.
    He told the marriage counselor he would like to divorce me and then start dating me.
    Told me the very first time he wanted a divorce because his gf wants to go out in public and he doesn’t want to lose his stock options. ( and I stayed 12 years after this!)
    On Thanksgiving day told me the reason he wanted a divorce was to get rid of the 160 lbs weight around his neck.( he knew I wanted to be 130 and I wasn’t happy with my weight of 160)
    Told me he needed more than one women to take care of all his many needs. ( wow!)
    Told me he didn’t want to take care of anyone anymore during his divorce project.
    “All you bitches are the same!” ( yelled at me during an argument)
    During his first long term affair of 8 years when my three kids were babies and my mom was dying of breast cancer, that his mistress helped him to understand what I was going through as she had lost her mom too and it saved our marriage.
    Said he wasn’t happy he had to give up half his net worth with the divorce. ( give up to your family?!?)
    You are sad because you think all the cheating I’ve done through the years has cancelled out your memories and your life is a farce. ( always told me how I felt)
    I don’t need cialis with you.
    You are the only one that cooks for me.
    I don’t act like this with anyone but you. ( meaning I bring out his anger and rage)
    Asked me not to call one of his gf’s I just discovered he bought a car for because he was worried about her and she was suicidal.
    When I tried to get some understanding of what was happening with him leaving after retirement and moving in with his mistress he would act all caring and concerned for me and hang up every so often in the conversation and text me a photo of his current blood pressure. Had a stroke 6 months before that because he couldn’t get the kids or I to buy into his new plan of heading off into the sunset with this unknown to anyone person and went into such a massive rage over it, he stroked out. I found that out a week later when he texted from the hospital that he had a stroke and he thought I should know, but he didn’t want me texting him back positively or negatively.

  • “I need time to think. And make changes in myself.”


  • “ I am not involved with anyone sexually. I only do that with you”.????

  • He gave me a couples therapy book and insisted we go to therapy to work on our marriage, this after I had spent 5 years begging him to see a therapist and he refused, while ignoring me and our kids and starting an affair with a mother at our kids’ school. Was told by him he was the only one trying to save our marriage, it was my fault we were getting divorced and why was I not working harder, like he was, to save the marriage. (Insert major eye roll). Filing and serving him with papers was a glorious day, but not as glorious as the day the divorce was finalized. The OW he was obsessed with, while he was simultaneously “trying” to save our marriage, dumped him about 2 years after our divorce.

  • You could be friends with her. Uh, I know who she is and what she is. (Hell no.)

    I could live in the basement and you could live upstairs and we both date other people. (Wouldn’t that be a a dandy example for 2 teenage boys. Uh, hell no.)

    I love you but I am not in love with you. (Really?! Why are you still here?)

    And my favorite…You could put me through college, I put you through nursing school. (Uh, once again, hell no.)…. I paid every penny of my books and tuition by working full time nights. He never contributed a dime. He was however shaking down his parents for money telling them they were paying for me to go to school. A sociopathic con artist to the max. After his crime and then his suicide I had to prove to the police I paid my own way through school. He also told his family who told the police that I was working nights as a hooker, rather than doing patient care in a nursing home. I had to prove where I was working too. It was some interview with that homicide detective that day. At the end of it he was just shaking his head.

    • Wow. Just wow. I’m glad you were able to get that straightened out.

  • Through tears…”If you are ever in trouble and need a place to stay, you can always stay with me” (him and OW). Uh, no thanks.

  • 5 days after convincing me to move back in so we could work through things: “I need to be alone right now so that I can work on myself, my goal is to show you I can be a better person.”

    • What is it with this “working on” oneself with these people? Even after the divorce was imminent, he told my brother he would be working on himself. The asshole was already lining up other women!

      • Well with the next woman they are going to be a new and improved fuckwit, a kinder and gentler fuckwit.

  • To the counselor, in front of me:
    “I got caught.”
    No remorse. No embarrassment. It was a glimmer of truth and I ignored it.

  • D-Day 3 when I discovered his penchant for cam girls: “I’m trying to counsel them about their lives and choices.”

    Yes, because your HVAC certification clearly qualifies you for this. *face palm*

  • I swear he still thinks we have a chance. Three years post D Day here. Heavy handed court proceedings around parenting and his meth use early on, strict grey rocking, firm boundaries, and we actually seem to be getting along coparenting now (ask no questions get no lies my mantra – there’s no small talk, it seems amicable but the second a personal question comes up I’m blank staring and out of there and he knows it. Hardly amicable but certainly appears that way, for the kids).

    And he’s STILL hiding is OW now main supply of 6 or 7 years!

    Lockdowns last year we carried on coparenting. I made a comment when we first went down about how he’d be sharing our bubble with whoever his girlfriends were now. He denied and gave me the sad sausage single guy play. I didn’t react.

    Fast forward three weeks I’m dropping kids at his for week. Error on my part to tell him we’re on way, get my child to text when we’re 2 mins away.

    And there’s OW scarpering in her car (I have photos from when it was spotted at my place when I was travelling for work). I laugh. His texts flying off when we get there, him agitated and trying to be calm the whole time ???? I ended up following in her car pretending I had no idea it was her ???????? and never mentioned it, like it never happened. Not what the old me would have done.

    Similar happens again after Xmas. This time she’s waiting at bottom of his street in his car glaring at me as we drive past.

    Meanwhile, he has organised for us to have dinner one night, same week. After we got along “so well” at Xmas. I know how he rolls and know he would have been triangulating her like mad over the few days we shared the campsite over New Years ???????? #notmyproblem

    So I can see him trying really hard to be the guy I used to love to woo me again. And I ask about her.

    “Why was your gf waiting for me to drop kids off at end of your road the other night? her scowl at us was pretty intimidating. I don’t want some stalker scenario on my hands, esp for the kids safety”. Etc etc ????????

    “What gf? Who? I don’t have one.” ????

    He’s still denying her. I know he keeps her away from the kids because he uses them to keep secrets from her (says he has kids when he doesn’t so he can cheat, I know this, cos I’ve met the other OW that he cheats on this OW with, all subsequently left once they worked it out).

    But now I realise it’s also so he has a chance to reconcile!!!! This cake seems to have a shelf life that lasts into eternity ???????? it doesn’t buddy, it’s well expired

    He’s still

  • I can’t wait to come back and start a new life with you! (When I removed him from our home)

    I know that when we separate and make it known to everyone, we will be back together again.

    I thought my feelings for you would eventually come to an end, but they don’t! (During A)

    I never felt this way before. (About A)
    I know that I can’t love anyone like I love you. Only a few couples experience such a special bond. (a continuous declaration during A)

    Me: You need to take off your ring.
    Him: No, it’s too special for me.

      • Unbelievable! Is it to impress you, or others who are after married men?

      • Mine wore his for at least a few months after our divorce.

        His FB page still has his picture with his ring quite clear.

        I wonder how his whore feels about that? Maybe since she was on marrige number 5 she doesn’t care.


  • Mu ex offered to reduce living costs by living in the in-law apartment (the OM is my cousin) in our house. She said I could have a gf in my part of the house too! Gee, just the living arrangement I always wanted lol. TBNT.

  • Yes, FW is always”working on himself” after he gets caught. He becomes church-going, fun dad, and so insightful- until the rage channel gets turned on! ???? Also the statement, “That’s not really who I am” (referring to his cheating). I wonder who he THINKS he is, because his actions show EXACTLY who he is! Over and over again.

  • I don’t even know where to begin, he gave me so many gems. I’ll just post the “best of” quotes of the troll fucker.
    As he finished putting the first trips stuff in his SUV, he came back into the bedroom, patted me on the head and said to me (as comfort maybe??), “You’re a good woman. Don’t worry, you’ll find somebody else some day. ANY man that has you for a wife will be a lucky man!” I shit you not.
    On the day he told me he changed his mind about fixing himself and no longer willing to work on being a decent husband, he said to me that “God told me I’m making the right decision because he wants me to be happy!” To this i replied, “So, out of 6 billion people on the planet, God made an exception just for you! You have his permission to commit adultery AND abandon your family. Got it.” Delusional, yeah he wore that outfit well.
    The best one of all was after I had him served divorce papers in front of Shrek at their love nest. He sent me email after email (17 in total), most saying various versions of, “I thought you loved me and ‘how could you do this to us’, and yet still, ‘why couldn’t you just wait for me?”
    These are only the highlights of the many crazy things he said to me after discovering the affair.

    • Holy crap! Mine said very similar things to me … “You’re successful, cute, nice figure, easy to live with…. any man would be lucky to have you. I just can’t live with you anymore. If you would just get on a dating site like I did, you would find somebody”. He said this to me two weeks after he moved out. We wouldn’t be divorced for another year because of the laws where we live. They are f-ing delusional.

    • Sugarplum my FW said something similar (don’t they all, lol!)

      As he was leaving me he took my hands very tenderly and said, with a very convincing worried look on his face ‘within days maybe even hours you will be snapped up by someone, don’t ever doubt your worth’…. Yup he actually said that! ????????‍♀️

  • This is one of the best blogs ever! Laughing out loud and wanting to cringe and cry at the same time. Thank you all so much for sharing these painful hilarious bits from the collective of delusional FWs!

    I really had a good laugh today at how absurd they are!

  • “You are a great mom but she understands the stresses of my job, unlike you,” said my STBX, who is a doctor, regarding his AP, who is a nurse. Funny thing is that I am a doctor too! We literally went to medical school together. Maybe he meant a different “job.”

  • I got quite a few statements that just didn’t help. The PF said that he turned away the sex worker the first time because he changed his mind. Then after the confession, he kept repeating that he tried to quit but he couldn’t. Also said that he didn’t even know their names. So 20 years of anonymous, $200.00 , 1 hour sex is not a problem? Yes, it was a problem but not mine anymore.

  • When talking about the blow job neighbor he was spending all his free time with- it’s not about sex!!! (imagine a look of distaste here) It’s about acceptance! She likes me! This was while I was pick-me dancing hard, and he was still wanting to be married to me! So why was he hardly ever home! ????

  • When I told him that I looked forward to not ever playing marriage police again he told me that I will still always wonder where he is when we’re divorced.

    • Yeah, you’ll be wondering if he’s penniless, homeless, jobless, living in a homeless encampment under the freeway, … That’s what I would be wondering (or maybe hoping). hee hee

  • “This doesn’t affect YOU!”… 30 seconds after confronting him with the fact that I had discovered he was fucking his best friend’s wife. Followed by, “It just HAPPENED “.

    The stupid was strong with Asshat the Cake Eater.

  • “But I always come back to you” after cheating on me and leaving me twice. Now currently on the 3rd and final discard as she’s moved into her own apartment.

  • “I have always been loyal to you.” That apparently means that he always came back to me after his various dalliances.

  • After I found out the rat faced whore was living with him in the flat he was supposedly doing up for us:

    “She’s your friend too! She helps with the bills! She sleeps on the sofa! I know it looks bad, but there’s nothing going on! This is all for you and me, and you’re making it really hard!”

    FFS. ????????????

  • Sparkledick was her co-worker. This happened before D-Day. She tells me one day that she invited this guy to our house. They were going to go to the office Xmas party together. Spouses weren’t invited (or so I was told). The restaurant was close to our home and he needed a place to change out of his work clothes so they cooked up the plan that he would change at our house.

    This plan made no sense to me; and I asked why she’d invite some random punter to the house to change clothes. Obviously my radar was pinging on something but I didn’t know what. Anyway, after I called him a punter she lept to his defense going on about what a great guy he is. Then she looked up the word ‘punter’ and gave me more grief about my comment. Definitely was much more suspecting afterwards; this was about 2 weeks before D-Day. Her response was just so disproportionate.

    Bubba did come to the house. It was awkward AF. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon and my STBX is pounding back booze. In front of the liquor cabinet, on the counter, I spotted her wedding rings. They were too tight on her finger she said. Fucknose is sitting on my couch drinking too. Ugh.

    Another gem: on D-Day they invited me and Mrs. Sparkledick to join the two of them on a dog walk so we could get to know each other etc. Apparently he and I have a lot in common and we could be great friends if I just gave him a chance. Because he’s so great and all and I’m just misinterpreting everything and they’re just friends and…….

    That was 2015. Divorce final in 2018. They’re still together and it’s a shit-show today. Mrs. Sparkledick started dating a wealthy guy who is bankrolling the lawyers. Each of the two children and the mother have their own lawyers. 3 in total. Legal expenses are still a big thing over there and I’d like to thank karma for that. Sure, it’s kind of the opposite of meh but I take pleasure where I can find it these days.

    Why the hell should they get peace after all the upheaval they’ve caused? Two families of four blown up just because the grass looked greener.

      • I love that she didn’t know what he meant and only got upset AFTER she looked it up ????????????

        • I married a dumbass; an unfortunate realization I made after it was too late.

  • Cheater to me: “Why don’t you move back home and I’ll find someplace else to live”. “We can still co-own the investment property and I’ll reimburse you for keeping my cars in the garage.”

    I realized this was his solution, not giving up affair or working on marriage. He had our future all worked out. In fact, my future had unknowingly been planned by others for quite some time.

    Divorce is final (I filed). I own and live in former investment property. Nothing of his is here. I plan my own future now.

    • “He had our future all worked out. In fact, my future had unknowingly been planned by others for quite some time.”

      Yes!!!! This is what’s so galling and traumatizing. It’s almost worse than the sex.

      Glad we are gaining our lives and planing our own futures now.

      • That is the worst about it. That they plotted our future, and demise. We were no longer of use so they decided our future. Or they thought they did.

        Fortunately my future did not in any way go the way they had planned, but it is still galling. How dare they.

    • .
      “I plan my own future now.”

      Brilliant phrase, I love it.

  • He rented his own townhouse because “his life coach said he had never lived alone and needed to experience that/”

    I went there to check it out (our kids would be spending some time there)

    I walk in and the whole apartment is color co-ordinated!

    So I tell him it is obvious that a woman picked out all the decor, furnishing, dishes etc. ( He couldn’t match a tie to a suit at knifepoint).

    He says that his friend’s wife has a flair for decorating and he was lucky to have had her help.

    Lucky indeed

  • “I couldn’t get it up to have sex, but did everything else”
    -Like the fact he couldn’t get a hard on made it better somehow. That was his answer for the woman on the rig he tried to have sex with and his stepsister. Just sick.

  • After my soon-to-be-ex wife realized that I wasn’t going to put up with her campaign of charm and lies, she offered, “Why don’t we just have an open marriage and then we can both date whoever we want?”

    “Well, my dear fuckwit, it seems you’ve already had a 15-year head start on me, which would mean that you’ve been living a one-sided, secret open marriage from the beginning. Also, single people date. Married people, by definition, don’t date.” I then just looked at her incredulously and said, “who the fuck are you?” as if she had just finally completed the transformation into an alien life form.