I was married for 29 1/2 years to an amazing, dedicated, sweet husband. In 2009 we lost our teenage daughter after only a one month diagnosis of leukemia.
I did not realize my husband was in depression until our oldest daughter got married. He started to have moments of disconnect. By 2016 he was working nonstop. Really disconnected. He denied anything was wrong. He took a traveling, much higher position with the company and everything fell apart.
He refused to go get help, so I told him he needed to move out. He did for 10 months and we dated. A few months after moving out, I found a phone with 3 emotional affairs. One had been going on for 3 years and was not reciprocated. The other 2 were, but when the women tried to get physical, he ended them.
One was a friend and she was willing to talk to me out of her guilt of our decades of friendship and she validated he ended it as he said. The 3 years unreciprocated OW traveled and worked worked with him. I was able to talk to her and ask her why she had not turned him in. She stated she knew he was sick and was afraid he would kill himself, so she just allowed him to send messages and did not respond. However, when they were together in person it was business except 3 time he tried to kiss her after she complimented him. She did state that she had to confront him in person a few times on messages and asked him to stop and he would for a few months and then start back. He drove by her house. It was like a limerance obsession. She is not an attractive woman and now they have no relationship and he is embarrassed by all three.
He agreed to go to counseling and moved back home. I stuck by him as the unreciprocated affair was surely validation he was not mentally well. He started to be better and moved back home. We then bought a second home in a state where his corporate offices were. In 2019 with covid he started to withdrawl again. In June 2020 I found an email to a subordinate that he sent telling her he missed her and hoped to see her. Same as past emotional affairs. All messaging very juvenile. He went into a more intense therapy and was put through EMDR and meds and psych talk. He was told he has split personality due to PTSD from daughters death. Therapy made things much worse. He went on a business trip Nov. 2020 and never came home.
He asked for a divorce. Said he couldn’t live with what he did and when he looked at me all he saw was his failures. He finds it hard to be even around our adult children nor grandson. I did a quick divorce in 90 days because he was suicidal and cutting and said he couldn’t handle the pressure from family.
Found out that week he asked, he went on a date with the subordinate I found the email from. He has diabetes 2, low testosterone, low self-esteem and ED. It has now been 6 months since he left and he see’s the OW every other weekend and said he is more depressed and breaks down several times a day.
I have no idea who this man is and after staying by him through the affairs and trying to help him I find it hard to let go as I would not stop caring for him if he had cancer. I keep being told he made his choices and he didn’t choose me, but he doesn’t seem to know what he is doing. He told me he was going to go back in to therapy.
Do I just move on? He wants to be friends, but he has lied, gaslighted and manipulated me for years to protect himself from what he was doing . He has no friends. He said that what is hard about me is that I am the only one that cares and asks how he is and he just wants to not think about it. He also says he doesn’t want to let go because I am the only one that truly cares. The OW who he is seeing he is not talking with her on past or anything other then surface level. He seems to just be putting himself in escape relationships to not deal with his pain and family. I know if I let go I can’t go back, but my love and empathy wants to be there for him.
Torn between love and insanity
Where’s your PTSD? Not only did you suffer the loss of the child — same loss he had — you had the mountain of shit piled on your life — abandonment, a mentally unstable husband, who cheats on you, divorce.
The first loss was a tragedy. Those other losses were inflicted on you by a selfish, escapist man.
How are you not buckling under the weight of all of this, not out there propositioning coworkers?
I find it interesting, given his delicate mental state, that he has the executive functioning to:
- Get a job promotion
- Conduct three years of “emotional affairs” and conceal it
- Buy a second home and do complicated real estate things
- Go on dates
I thought depression made a person lethargic and unmotivated. And yet he has the strength to do OW drive bys and go on long business trips.
Anyway, I’m not a shrink. I’m a skeptic with a blog. I find your husband’s distress very convenient when it comes to accountability. An “amazing, dedicated, sweet husband” would be holding YOU up after a devastating tragedy. Not chasing tail.
I found a phone with 3 emotional affairs. One had been going on for 3 years and was not reciprocated. The other 2 were, but when the women tried to get physical, he ended them.
You don’t know that. You have self-reporting from a cheater. Two were reciprocated? Oh, but your husband (the guy who went looking for the attention?) ended them? At the precise moment they got physical? A guy who kisses his coworker? That guy?
One was a friend and she was willing to talk to me out of her guilt of our decades of friendship and she validated he ended it as he said.
That’s convenient. This is one of the reciprocated “emotional affairs”? You believe she wanted to get physical and he didn’t? I think you’re kidding yourself that a woman who would fuck your husband would be an unvarnished truth teller.
I stuck by him as the unreciprocated affair was surely validation he was not mentally well.
Is it inconceivable to you that he had an affair because he wanted an affair(s)?
Said he couldn’t live with what he did and when he looked at me all he saw was his failures.
Apparently he can live with it, because shortly thereafter he’s out dating.
I did a quick divorce in 90 days because he was suicidal and cutting and said he couldn’t handle the pressure from family.
Isn’t it funny how he’s only suicidal when women don’t give him what he wants? Don’t end our unconsummated affair, Coworker! Or I shall kill myself! If you don’t give me this divorce, Torn, so I can date a subordinate! I will REALLY cut myself the next time!
Oh the poor man. No one can possibly feel violated or wronged, he’s in such crisis.
He has diabetes 2, low testosterone, low self-esteem and ED.
Hope the young subordinate enjoys a flaccid dick AND mindfuckery. He’s the total package.
It has now been 6 months since he left and he see’s the OW every other weekend and said he is more depressed and breaks down several times a day.
This is more information than you should have. NO CONTACT. His breakdowns aren’t your problem. Or his blood sugar. Or his boners. He fired you from the job of caring.
after staying by him through the affairs and trying to help him I find it hard to let go as I would not stop caring for him if he had cancer.
Mental illness is not making him reject you for other women. HE is doing that of his full volition. I know that’s painful, but these are choices. Many people suffer from mental illness. Depression doesn’t manifest itself as dating. This isn’t cancer, this is manipulative, shitty character. Please stop caring about him and start caring about YOU. You’ve had it 100 times worse than Mr. Sadz.
Do I just move on?
He wants to be friends
Fuck that shit.
He said that what is hard about me is that I am the only one that cares and asks how he is and he just wants to not think about it.
Oh the poor sausage. Mindfuck is firmly set at the self pity channel. You’re the “only one who cares” is your cue to keep performing the pick me dance. OW just fucks and flatters him, but you, YOU CARE! You’re still special! He is a poor, sad man who cannot be burdened by difficult thoughts.
Stop doing the emotional labor for this creep. Stop caring! He doesn’t give two shits about you. He Does. Not. Want. To. Think. About. It.
“It” being cheating and abandoning you. But he will happily take your care and concerns.
The OW who he is seeing he is not talking with her on past or anything other than surface level.
Whoa! What happened to his suicidal ideation? Did it go on holiday? Does he just tuck it into his back pocket while dining out?
I know if I let go I can’t go back, but my love and empathy wants to be there for him.
Tell your love and empathy to stop being a chump.
You be there for him. He’ll be out on a date.