Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Chump Lady Defends Her Potty Mouth

Dear Chump Lady,

Why do you use foul language? My wife cringes when I use bad language (she is a linguist). It detracts from your heartfelt advice.

I bought your book on Amazon and it is right on. Do yourself a favor and cut out the potty mouth.

Your truly,


Dear Jim,

Thank you for your concern about my potty mouth.

I blame my upbringing. I learned to curse from my father — a United Methodist minister. He takes the Lord’s name in vain every time he drives, operates a radio, or dresses himself. And yet, they let him baptize people. Go figure.

Christ on a crutch, Goddamnsonofabitch, and Jesus H. Kee-Rist are as comfortable to me as old hymns. (I know a lot of those too.) And if you think that’s bad, you should’ve met my grandfather.

What time is it, Grandpa?

Milking time! Grab a tit!

(Or, “Time for all fools to be dead. Ain’t you feeling sick?”)

Perhaps your wife the linguist needs to get out more.

Why is my writing of interest to you anyway? Is your wife a cheater as well as a linguist? Perhaps she should look up the etymology of “hypocrite.”

Gotta love the pearl-clutchers who shag randos and then take offense at four-letter words.

I run a liberation campaign from fuckwits here, Jim. When discussing sex and power, all the satisfying words are naughty.

I don’t know how to write about infidelity without profanity. When I went through it, I found myself channeling fishwives. I assure you, I’m a pretty pleasant, granola-headed person ordinarily. But when I was chumped, I had no words to describe it that were not transgressive, because the experience was transgressive.

I curse because the subject makes me angry, JIm. I know, an angry woman is unattractive. (You should see my Medusa hair. I’m the total Gorgon package.) These days, with fuckwits assaulting our reproductive freedoms, I feel like chaining myself to federal buildings or immolating myself in front of the Alabama state house. And yet, Jim, I content myself with fuck.

I think I’m exercising incredible restraint, all things considered.

Of course, as a writer, I do worry sometimes that I’ve over-egged the pudding. How much cursing is too much cursing? Is it lazy? Am I strident? Is there a kinder way to say “I wish Jesus would descend from a cloud of angels and thug-kick your deadbeat”?

But I wonder, Jim, why you feel the need to do me a “favor” and tell me how to write? Do you read Bukowski and wish for less suicidal ideation? Expect Wagner operas to be more hummable?

I’m a chump with a potty mouth. A woman with a platform. I’m not doing market surveys on how fuck is trending. This is not an exercise in consensus — I write in my own voice. I created this place to support people and I let them say fuck too. Because when you’re deep in the shit, you need somewhere to be righteously pissed. Or sad. Or viciously snarky. I’m not censoring chump feelings. Things can get quite raw.

If Chump Lady is not the flavor of which you like your support, I invite you to create your own fuck-free environment.

And if you don’t like salty language in your self-help books, please enjoy the vast array of bland, dry, but earnestly blameshifting RIC resources available.

My book is not those books. I wrote my book to be provocative. Because I was tired of all the soppy infidelity euphemisms. Wayward. Betrayed spouse. Affair fog. I was offended at language that sanitized abuse, or worse, romanticized it. Do you have trust issues? Hey, affairs are exuberant acts of defiance! Did a cheater give you the clap? He was on a quest for aliveness! And isn’t his happiness worth more than your abnormal Pap smears?

The resources also — nicely! politely! without a single fuck! — blamed me for my part. Did I anger him? Fail to meet his needs? They assumed I would be giving this save-my-marriage shit all MY effort. Even if it took “on average” 4 to 7 years of sobbing. It’s a rollercoaster! And don’t you want to spend 7 years puking on a carnie ride for a chance at a Much Stronger Marriage?

(Where is cheater? In a fog. Grieving Schmoopie. It’s hard for cheaters. Harder really. Setbacks are to be expected! So book another therapy appointment. That will be $180.)

Oh, I ROARED with FUCK, Jim.

I dumped the cheater, built a better new life, and a few years later (fucks still fomenting), I wrote the infidelity advice book I wish existed.

It says FUCK.

As in, fuck no, it’s not the chump’s fault.

Fuck those fucking Switzerland fucks.

Fuck the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.

Yes, I want to shock you, JIm. My fucks are deliberate. I want to smack you the fuck out of your hopium haze. And I’m not nice about it. Which is rather the point — GET MAD. DO SOMETHING. PROTECT YOURSELF.

Straight talk is not a soft pillow. Strong messages are often laced with profanity. I tell people things they don’t want to hear (“You don’t control that.”) Which I would argue is a kindness compared with the send-me-$399-to-affair-proof-your-marriage bozos monetizing false hope.

George Bernard Shaw said: “All great truths begin as blasphemies.”

Don’t say fuck?

Fuck that.


This “concern” still comes up occasionally.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Well put CL. I applaud you, your insight, your unique style of writing.
    Chumps are hurt, devastated, living in crap land, self blaming and eating all the shit sandwiches that the fuckwit can ram down their dry, sore from sobbing and heaving throats.
    Without you I would be still eating shit, following crap wreckonciliation advise and living on hopium.
    Jim do us all a favour, yourself included if you are indeed a fellow chump and tell your sparkleturd to go fuck herself

  • I remember this one.

    ‘Jim’ is a pompous, self important wanker. Fuck you, ‘Jim’. ????????????

      • I wholeheartedly agree Chumpnomore6! I didn’t become a proud potty mouth until a FW who I’d been married to for 40 years decided he wanted to fuck a slut 30 years younger working in a bread shop. So fuck off Jim. I agree you’re either a cheater or a chump to be reading CL’s fabulous book which saved my sanity and helped me and the proud strong people of CN to keep going in search of meh and Tuesday. Thank you CL!

    • Yup, the kind of person who insults people on social
      media if he doesn’t approve of their beliefs.

  • I shock people with my use of the word fck since I found you. But d day and his fucks broke me. I reclaimed fuck. Fuckity-fuck-fuck. And I use it liberally. It gave me my strength back.

    • I do work hard at not saying fuck. Too hard. In fact, I work hard at everything too much, which is probably why I stayed a chump so long. So every now and then I say fuck easily to shake me out of my need to make all things wholesome and good.


      • Me too.

        I got STD tested on New Year’s Eve (wonderful
        coincidence – one year, exactly, after dday, thanks to my inert/naive chump response, and then the pandemic), then the bill came on Valentine’s Day (seriously), and this very afternoon I opened my first ever bill from a credit collection agency, from those tests, because my insurance company is a shit show and fucked up. I’m feeling fucking murderous. Does that make you uncomfortable, Jim? Imagine how it makes me feel. Fortunately, I know better than to tell the responsible fuckwit about any of it.

  • CN is my people.

    The fucks, twats, and sparkle dicks are the songs of my people.

    We sing it loudly.

    I wouldn’t have it any other way.

        • I see myself as a bit of a grammar Nazi and wordsmith.

          With that in mind, 2 comments:

          1) there may be better “intensifiers” than the word Fuck, and it surely can be uncomfortable to read & hear. But there really are times it’s MOST appropriate,


          2) the creative use of “Fuck” can be very colorful and very funny. Indeed, it’s often funny as fuck.

          I think you should save your uninvited commentary

        • Hmmm..? Could be that a cum bucket eventually becomes the size of a canoe
          …and desperately needs a massive douche..??????????

    • ***the songs of my people***

      Curse words exist for a reason: to characterize the extreme, the unacceptable, the things that do not fit in a pretty intellectualized box. To express feelings and things that have no nice words because they are NOT NICE. Curse words exist because, Jim, we live in the real world and sometimes it’s not pretty and dress-right-dress.

      Curse words are scary to fake people because they pull back the sparkly curtain and reveal the truth. Curse words serve a purpose that is not fulfilled by all the reams of fake, let’s-all-play-nice, holier-than-thou lame-ass bullshit that dribbled out of my cheater’s face hole and meant jack shit. I’m going to say what I mean, and what I mean is fuck you.

  • I never ever used [what I’ll call] adult language until I found out my ex was cheating on me when I was pregnant with our fifth baby. It’s like I told my [shocked] friend, adult situations call for adult language! And if you keep those words on reserve for those occasions, it really is incredibly therapeutic because it gives a shocking strong voice to match the unbearably strong emotions.

    • This was me exactly, except that I was pregnant with my fourth child. Not a single “adult” word had ever come out of my mouth until the day I found out. Then, it was like every bottled up word came pouring out. It shocked my friends and family. I agree wholeheartedly about reserving them for when no other words can convey the strength of your emotions.

      • Yes! When I confronted the fuckwit, the air around my mouth was blue, I swear! I called him every cuss word I knew, plus some I made up on the spot. Was very freeing!!

    • “We’re divorced because my ex husband never asked me if he could use $400 each month to fuck other women.” Said in a neutral voice. Gets the point across. Conversation over.

      • ????????????

        Love it! Up to now I’ve just said, “he cheated on me”. I’ll have to get more creative. ????

    • There’s nothing more powerful than curse words out of the mouths of people who don’t customarily use them, but finally got “that fed up.” You don’t even have to know the person or their history. The words are just more Vesuvian or funny when they use them.

      I have a friend who battled a notorious industrial polluter over severe injuries to her family. Gutsiest person I’ve ever known, nerdily smart but sweet as pie and never cursed in her life. It took about six stoic years of legal bs for her to start having a few Erin Brockovich moments. She’d make me laugh so hard I’d choke.

      No surprise her grandparents did voter registration drives with Delores Huerta back in the day. What mettle.

  • Reminds me of my image conscious ex hb.

    The fact that he’d kept am ex gf around our entire 13 year relationship was far less of an issue then the fact that i called her a trashy whore, because that was “ugly and hateful”.

    Everything is OK in the minds of these pricks as long as one remains polite about. Its not what they do that’s the issue….it’s that our reaction is “ugly”.

    Well fuck him and fuck this LW, with his bullshit phony image. He can bury his head in the sand but he doesn’t fool anyone.

    • “Everything is OK in the minds of these pricks as long as one remains polite about. ”


      • I couldn’t stand my Ex’s perfectly lovely language and calm poised ways after the discard. His persona no longer matched what I knew was inside – the BS was too much. I wanted him to sound like the FW that he his. No luck, impression management superstar.

    • Yep.

      Had my fw defended his whore when I called her a whore to his face the day he left; I likely would have gone to jail; because I would have picked up something and thrown it at him. I am not a violent person, but I believe that would have done it.

      Also, he knew I was right she was a whore and he was a whore monger. He was a confession Christian, he knew the bible; he could not argue with me.

      Note: I am not his judge, but the bible is clear on adultery, so no argument there.

      • I’m glad we didn’t have a gun in the house because he’d be dead and I’d be in prison. Those who have not been through it have no idea the devastation of such betrayal. Fuck them all.

        • Cheating is the most personal, intimate betrayal. It hurts so many family members as well. You lose what you thought was your security and safe person. Saying Fuck is nothing compared to that!

          • It is true and I think it would be rare if not impossible for anyone who has been through it (true betrayal and all it encompasses) to ever forget the pain, and to not have empathy for other folks going through it.

            Oh, it doesn’t ruin them, but I just mean it is unforgettable.

  • It’s amazing at the amount of snake oil sales around the “save your marriage “ club. What’s even more amazing is the hopium filled fools who choke down those shit sandwiches. Common sense is not so common.

    • I was one of those hopium-filled fools choking down the shit sandwiches. It takes a while to finally pull one’s head out of one’s ass and say, “No More!”

        • I think it is just so stunning and confusing for many of us, when we thought we were with someone who although not perfect, anymore than we are; we thought they had our back, we thought they loved us.

    • >>What’s even more amazing is the hopium filled fools who choke down those shit sandwiches.

      Watch out for blaming the chumps. They are in shock and doing what the supposed experts tell them. People who are sick aren’t at their best; they’re guard is down as they seek relief. That’s partly why the US has an FDA to protect people from snake oil quacks when they’re guard is down.

      • “Watch out for blaming the chumps. They are in shock and doing what the supposed experts tell them. ”

        Exactly, it is easy while in turmoil and confusion to grasp on to a way to what you believe is preserving something that had value to you. It is why some folks get frauded when they are really sick. It is human nature to want to preserve what you perceive as valuable. And to many of us, what we had in our marriage was valuable, and very real to us, even if it wasn’t to the cheater.

        I am so glad I did not get hooked up with the RIC, I would have been sucker for them, at least for a little while.

        But there were plenty of counselors then, and I am thankful I didn’t have the money for one, I shudder to think if I had gotten ahold of a cheater apologist.

      • Yep, I had everyone around me telling me to just work harder on my marriage, even a shrink and a therapist. My therapist would tell me my issues with my husband’s lying were more about my issues with jealousy and insecurity and I needed to work on those things. I had no real support at any point. None. My own family told me that’s just what marriage is, men do that. They cheat, what did I expect?

        I ended up with a mental breakdown, diagnosed schizophrenic, heavily medicated, and still being told by a “pro-poly” therapist that it was fine for my husband to ditch me to go date and if I thought it wasn’t, that showed my deep insecurity and how much I wanted to control him and I needed to get those things in check. Because it was abusive to him.

        I want to burn down her house when I think about it now. Good thing I have no idea where she lives. But I wonder, why?! Was it just good ole sadistic fun for her or was she screwing him too? I don’t know but it blows my mind. They did so much harm to me.

        • KatiePig that is disgusting that a therapist would say that! My STBX also apparently went to a therapist who told him that “most married people have arrangements where people sleep around”. So, I took that to heart and asked all of my friends if they allow their spouses to cheat or if they cheat. I called my family, my cousins, people I hardly knew. Every single person I asked laughed a little and said, emphatically “no”. So where are all these people that these therapists claim to know about?? I’m a social scientist and I’ve been speaking with people about things my whole life and I have scarcely heard of these successful poly people.

          • I think that therapist was confessing not counseling when he said most marriages have arrangements.

            My mom told me a long long time ago that when someone says “everybody or most do something, they are usually confessing.

            I have (when I was working) heard plenty of co workers my age say, hey it was the sixties everyone did drugs. No, everyone did not do it, but we now know they did.

        • KatiePig,
          So awfully sorry to hear of this abuse by the therapist you were paying to help you establish psychological safety. This person fucked with your mind and violated you in so many ways. Used his/her authority in such a way as to blame and confuse you.
          Why do therapists do this..? No, she was it sleeping with you FW; this is a foundational
          part of old-school therapy, to explore how the current situation is stirring up past hurts, wounds, defenses of the patient, and seeing her cries of pain as REPETITIONS if the past. Yes..! Those who are paid to help us get better at coping with reality are steeped in training that requires then NOT to take reality for real.
          Your reaction to trauma is just a repeat of your reaction to old trauma.
          As a card carrying member of this profession I can only say how sorry I am for this miscarriage of therapeutic intent and the awful abuse the whole THERAPY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX causes.
          Freud did this when he said
          This is how rape victims were blamed for their own rape.
          For FEAR read also the complaint, the resentment, the accusation, the grievance
          all are the unconscious WISH.
          Horrifying but true.
          All of this was in place until Judith Herman
          began to write about trauma. And few have read her or re-calibrated the time honored theory Freud articulated in 1900-1930.
          Chump Lady is light years ahead of the THERAPY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

  • What’s wrong with fuck, or the way I like to spell it, fukk?

    I think linguists find the word fuck very interesting and universally acceptable.

    • And I challenge any linguist to come up with a word as fitting as fuckwit.

      Believe me I have thought and researched and it just doesn’t exist. When someone fucks with you, there is no nice way to put it.

  • Chumplady, what the fuck would we do without you? Seriously I do wonder if Jim is a cheater. Who in the fuck would read your blog if they weren’t either a chump or a cheater? Not that it’s not a great blog, but seriously it’s intense and I would think well adjusted never been chumped types might want to read about shit like Love Languages instead. I truly think Jim is a cheater because if he were a chump he’d be here saying “fuck”’with the rest of us.

    So Jim, fuck you if you have no empathy for our shitty circumstances. I think all of us chumps have the right to swear to our heart’s content for all we’ve been through.

  • Surviving infidelity is fucking hell. Sometimes the injustice leads to anger, or panic, or primal screaming, or a string of f-bombs. We’re working it out as we go. Clutch your pearls elsewhere. We have work to do.

  • Dear Jim,
    Thanks so much for mansplaining how women should talk (and using your genteel wife as your excuse). Really you’re telling a successful professional communicator that she needs to change her style and voice to suit you.
    Seriously, what the fuck?

    • Exactly!

      How dare you, Jim? Chumplady doesn’t have to “defend” herself to you, or anyone else.

      You’re offended because you know she’s right.

      Now fuck off.

      • I would have been less pissed off if this concern had been expressed by a woman of my generation (a lot of us elder ladies generally avoid using the f word – for the most part).

        But when a man tries to tell a woman to tone it down, that always smacks of mansplaining as MichelleShocked pointed out.

        Makes this little old lady fucking mad.

      • LOL! I feel like he’s saying “I’m not a sexist… my wife would be offended.”
        It’s like saying “I’m not racist — I have a black friend.” He’s fucking delusional.

        But worse — the bigger story is lost. Why does he care if his “wife cringes when (he uses) bad language (she is a linguist).” Didn’t he BUY THE LACGAL BOOK? Is SHE a cheater??

        His real problem is being lost with his “concern” over CL’s style of writing. Besides, if he’s going to go after writers, I have other authors I’d much rather he’d attack (Dan Brown, Stephenie Meyer…)

        • I might have been less pissed off if the writer had been an older woman like me (in my generation “ladies” generally avoid using the f word – most of the time), and if the writer had expressed personal discomfort rather than daring to tell CL to “cut out” the expletives.

          But as MichelleShocked pointed out, whenever a man tells a woman to tone it down, it’s mansplaining. And it made this little old lady fucking mad!

    • Amen. I think the real question is why does the colorful language bother you so much? Sounds like a YOU problem.

  • My ex was like this — wouldn’t curse, didn’t drink. But was perfectly ok with getting blow jobs from random women he met on planes the week before our wedding, sleeping with prostitutes, chatting with cam girls all night instead of taking care of the baby when it was his turn, and spending thousands on strippers. He still freaks out that I don’t have my liquor under lock and key and use a coffee mug that says “bullshit” around our now 8yo. It’s such performative morality. Keep the outside shiny and no one will notice you’re rotten at the core. Fuck that.

    • Ugh. How absurd and pathetic. That sort of reminds me of when my STBX told me off for my one bottle, $15 a week wine habit. I said I’d cut it down to every second week. I became fucking furious in hindsight when I found out his hooker habit was at least $800/month.

      • Right? I remember my guilt every time I bought a book (a BOOK for fuck’s sake – I wasn’t buying crack!) because my ex was always telling me money was tight. It was amazing how much money I had to buy what he thought of as frivolous things when his $600 a week stripper habit was eliminated from the family budget. Five years after the divorce I still get a giddy sense of freedom every time I order a new read.

        • I remember early on when my ex left, I was talking to a neighbor who was divorced with two adolensant children. I had mentioned how little money I would have and she said, don’t worry; remember every penny you have will be under your control and you can spend it or save as you wish.

          It really did calm me down on the poverty worry.

          Also, my dad in response to my money worry said, just pay your bills, don’t buy anything new for a while and save money each week even if it is only five dollars. Of course I knew how to manage money and live frugally, I had years of practice while he was spending money on whores.

        • Oh yeah! I remember ex fuckwit getting all annoyed when I bought proper books “because I gave you a kindle so your books wouldn’t be all over the house!”.

          Of course it was fine for his fishing shit to be all over the house, not to mention maggots in the fridge, huge gas canisters in the dining room, bits of cars, etc, etc.

          “You spend too much money on books!”

          But it was finefor him to spend hundreds of pounds on his rat faced whore. Fucking fucker.

          • What is it with books & fuckwits? Two days before dday he had a fit about my Christmas arrival from the Folio Society in London. You’d think I ordered illegal drugs from a cartel. I remember asking him why it was so upsetting & his answer which I’ve long since forgotten was nonsense.

            • “What is it with books & fuckwits?”

              Good question. It would be interesting to know the percentage of cheating fuckwits who actually *read*, and not just shit like 50 Shades dreck.

              When I first met ex fuckwit he pretended to be a reader, (mirroring me, I now realise) but there were no books in his house, the bimbo he left his first wife for had none, none of his family had any, and there were a few cheaters there. And after pretending he “loved reading” the resentment he showed about *me* reading books was extraordinary.

              Of course I am *not* saying that anyone who doesn’t like reading is a cheating lowlife, every one is entitled to their own tastes.

              But it is odd how often this attitude comes up in regard to cheaters, I’ve had a few people who’ve been chumped tell me similar scenarios. Weird.

        • “5 years after the divorce I still get a giddy sense of freedom every time I order a new read.”

          Me too. Isn’t it great? ????????????

      • My fucking ex had the nerve to lecture me on how “we” needed to develop “habits of thrift.” No, that fucker needed to develop habits of thrift! Fuck, I was already thrifty. He spent at least $400-500 more a month than I did, just on lunch and coffee out every day, massages, and Amazon purchases of music CDs (he fancied himself a musician, had 8-10 guitars and a home recording studio in the basement, but it was all an ego-stroking hobby.) The wanker.

        Now that we’re divorced, he’s HAD to develop habits of thrift, while I have managed quite well and even saved money, even though nine months after our divorce was final I retired and my take home income was cut in half. Fuckin’ yah!

      • I just told my adult children that I have more money now than I ever did the 25 years I was married. He controlled all the money and we couldn’t afford a house.

        Thankfully, two years after the divorce, I’m going to be able to buy a home. I thank God every day for taking ex out of my life. It took five years for me to realize it was a blessing in disguise.

        I sometimes become so angry at myself for believing the Reconciliation crap, but thankful for finding Chump Lady and Divorce Minister blogs! Bought both of their books!

    • My ex is marrying schmoopie because “most people get married before they move in. How very moral of him.

      • What a gentleman, and what a lovely lady that fucked your husband while he was married to you but they shouldn’t live together before marriage. Um, yeah fuck that.

    • Performative morality it is. ‘Nice’, soft spoken FW didn’t swear around his family, his coworkers or I, but his text exchanges with the bunny boiler/glory hole were chock full of sadistic fantasies about abusing women (including me).

      I remember telling FW’s father that it wasn’t my problem that his son was a POS who fucked up all of our lives. Apparently my anger and vulgarity bothered him more than his son’s abuse of us all. Foul language is not the equal of foul deeds.

    • Woe unto you, cheaters, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness to paraphrase the good book

    • Keep the outside shiny…to hide the rotten core-I’ll remember that-that-it’s so fitting for that
      people-pleasing, ass- kissing FW. He’d meet women in bookstores while showboating his brainy persona. Had a secret almost-affair with with a fellow reader for a year before running off with her
      (briefly) and sending a high paid scumbag lawyer after me to crash our 40 year marriage. He thinks he’s very polished indeed.

  • I love the straightforwardness .
    I love the insults and the fucks .
    How often have we chumps carefully chosen the next word, considered their point of view and walked on egg shells.

    Fuck the fucking fuckers

    • Yup! I used to think if only I could say the thing in just the right way she wouldn’t blameshift. Fuck that.

  • ‘Fuck’ onward, CL! One of the reasons I still follow your blog eight years later is because of your raw honesty and use of profanity when calling out people’s shit. Your no-nonsense frankness often gives me a good chuckle, too! Keep the ‘fucks’ coming! ????

  • The real harm lies in stds, child abuse, financial ruin and trauma not in curse words! Shame on you Jim with trying to minimize the horrible damage cheaters cause. Jim, you sound disordered have your head checked!

  • Well gee Jim. Thank you so much for for your Emily Post advice. Well golly gee I have seen my ways. I will never use the work fuck again. Now I will obey every man like the family dog. Is that what you want from women Jimmy boy? I say fuck that. And fuck you Jim. I suspect you are not a chump. But, a cheater who gets off on telling women how to talk and act. If only the wife would not have used the fuck eord so much. Now I need to screw some random stranger. Or my wives cousin(as in my case). Nothing more lady like than to screw your cousin’s husband. Nothing like keeping it in the family.

  • I’ve actually thought a lot about the profanity and why we use it. One of my degrees is in English and I taught it at the college level. Before Dday I hardly ever used profanity, but now I could make the saltiest sailor blush and run for cover. Wasn’t against profanity before and not against it now. As I explained to an eight year old relative the other day, there are no good words or bad words, there are just words appropriate for certain situations and others that aren’t…and then we thought up some silly examples. (To your teacher: Good morning Mrs. Jamison, you silly old trout. Please pull up a chair and sit your giant butt down.”)

    In keeping with that philosophy, the words appropriate for betrayal are all profanity. They are guttural and primal. Everyone understands them and they are without ambiguity. When you find out your life has been built on a foundation of lies, you want the truth desperately, you want it straight up, without gaslighting, prettifying or further lies. Because fuck that shit.

    • Yes, PL!
      I hardly ever curse- just a personal choice- but the day I confronted the Knaveman with indisputable evidence of his affair, my carefully chosen fuck-laced words were delivered with a stone-cold show of force. This caught him off guard. Admissions of more followed until I expressed indifference to the details and told him to stop bothering me with needless trivialities of his fuckwit nature – we’re done- another shocker to him. Welcome to the new me, Knaveman.

  • My dear old mother said “I don’t like that you are swearing so much”. I understand that swearing is like spitting out chunks of anger.

    Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck, there feel much better!

    • I love your approach. Yes, profanity is ankin to spitting chunks of anger. Then, I can also understand your mother’s line: she doesn’t like to see you angry. Now, “stop being angry” is not helpful advice. After thoroughly getting that anger out, what are we going to do with it? I am all for using profanity when mishandling a hammer, but after those liberating vocals, drop the hammer and attend to your hurt thumb. Don’t spend the evening cursing.

    • “My dear old mother said “I don’t like that you are swearing so much”.

      Funny that. *My* dear old mother,(who is a cheater herself, which she ‘shared’ with me after Dday ????) just can’t bear profanity, according to her swearing is a sign of poor vocabulary skills, and general disgusting character, but fucking around on my father was just fine, because her fuckbuddy was “the love of her life”. Puke. ????

      Of course I am *not* saying this is the case with *your* mother!

  • As I tell my linguistic students, you know when to refrain from cursing or potty-mouth terms just as you know not to wear your a tuxedo to paint a house.

    • I love your approach. Yes, profanity is ankin to spitting chunks of anger. Then, I can also understand your mother’s line: she doesn’t like to see you angry. Now, “stop being angry” is not helpful advice. After thoroughly Getting that anger out, what are we going to do with it? I am all for using profanity when mishandling a hammer, but after those liberating vocals, drop the hammer and attend to your hurt thumb. Don’t spend the evening cursing.

  • Lol. I read a chump lady letter aloud to my sister who interrupted me to ask if they allow all that cursing online…?? Yeah. she’s married to a dear man who loves his wife and his life, bless him. She’s never experienced that level of anger that puts the fierce in fuck you Jimboy. But if no one ever caught her, she’d help me thug kick my ex to NYC and back. And his fuckbitch too. I do get lectured by my sisters for cursing too much. I just la la that out.

  • Wow, what a great column, rockin’ poetry, hot jazz, ChumpLady. BTW I’d never heard of Bukowski, had to look in Wikipedia to discover, what you must have known, that some of his work was subjected “creative editing” _post mortem_. Which makes your point about him sharper yet. Tx for the righteous read!

  • Keep up with the foul language ChumpLady! Although I have been known to drop an f bomb when I stub my toe I generally don’t. My children thought the word butt was a swear word and other women at work apologize if they use off color language (although it doesn’t actually offend me.). Reading your work helps me get past all the polite and ladylike bullshit societal expectations when I am thinking about what my stbx did to me. Here I am living life as good honest person and he is out doing all sorts of crazy things behind my back. My first act of Chump rebellion was giving him the finger. It started a fight that led to him saying he wanted to be divorced and “accidentally” leaving his burner phone out where I would find it. I am so glad I stopped being a lady long enough to flip him the bird because now I know the truth and will be free after 26 years of gaslighting and covert abuse. I still am my same old polite self and only swear occasionally and only when talking about him but reading your plain language helps me to feel tough and make all the tough decisions I have had to over the past 6 months.

    • After 4 years of profanity post DD, one of my son’s said, “Okay Mom. You need to stop using the F word.” And in a way, he was right. I found myself more angry when I used it and it was time to get over the dick. So now I call him ‘Richard’ because I don’t refer to him by his real name. Of course everyone knows why I call him Richard. But I don’t refrain from saying ‘Fuck’ or ‘Fuck that!’ if the occasion warrants.

  • This reminds me of the symphony of women called in to discuss a certain candidate’s hot mic moment bragging about grabbing women by the pussy on a 24-hour news channel. It devolved into one of the women (who was later hired to be that winning candidate’s press secretary) lecturing a conservative colleague to please stop using the word pussy.

    It’s not OK to use the word pussy, but it’s not a big deal to grab a woman by the pussy.

    Got it.

    Note: grab my pussy and I will punch you in the balls and spit on you while you’re down. And I won’t apologize, motherfucker.

    • Exactly, Rosslucy465!!
      Some time after 2nd D-day, my STBX said he never stopped loving me! really, “you loved me when you were sticking your dick in a stranger’s ass!?!”, I responded. His only response was, “why do you have to be so graphic”… soooo, he can do it, but I can’t say it. they really are crazy

      • “why do you have to be so graphic”.


        How dare you reduce his self absorbed fantasies to reality? Bad chump!!

        • Right?

          I guess what she should have said was: “Really you loved me when you locked eyes with your soulmate and faded to black”

          That way the cheater could pretend he wasn’t a putrid pile of shit.

  • Honestly, I’ve never heard of a linguist that doesn’t support swearing- because it’s language that people actually USE. Linguists are DEscriptivists, not PRESCRIPtivists!! I’m an MA TESOL candidate and all my professors (with Phds in Applied Linguistics) understand and support this concept. In my Intro to Linguistics class my professor used the word “Abso-fucking-lutely” to describe what the term “infix” meant. There are rules on how to insert “fucking” into words and Chump Lady is NOTHING but not correct (and unfuckingbelievably awesome) in her language use of “FUCK”. I can’t believe there are still people clutching their pearls about women swearing. Piss the fuck off.

    • Ha ha! I also have an MA in Linguistics (pragmatics), and I was just thinking about infixing, too: “fuck” was the prime example all my profs used as well!

  • Check out The History of Swear Words on Netflix. With interviews of a lot of very astute and intelligent, dare I say refined, linguists. Hilariously hosted by Nicolas Cage. My daughter and I have enjoyed it very much. Hey, if you’re going to swear, be informed about it. I’ll bet if Jim and his wife watched it, they would learn a lot they didn’t know either.

    Sweating also has pain-relieving qualities, which I believe and would explain my increased use of it post DDay.

    My daughter has permission to swear in my presence because of the above fact. She does not have permission to swear in polite social situations. I am not concerned about her swearing. I am concerned about her using drugs or drinking or killing herself or using her father as a guide on how to treat other people.

    When she was three, and said “give me the fucking balloon” as I was loading groceries into the car, I decided to retire the word “fuck” from my vocabulary, as little as I used it.

    Now that we have been abandoned and our family shattered, we say “fuck” a lot and it often makes us laugh.

    It’s OK with me to say “fuck” if no one is looking.

    It is not OK to fuck other people when no one is looking.

  • Well fuck that! Like you said it’s adult language applied to an adult situation. It’s no different than people telling us to get over it. Fuck no!! I tell THE truth not MY truth. Don’t like it then just FUCK OFF!

  • I am reminded that an “affair” is actually a catered event which provides invitations to all those whose attendance is desired. I sure as hell didn’t invite her to fuck my husband. And my RSVP was a divorce filing.

    • Exactly “affair” cleans that shit pile up.

      I try to refer to it as adultery. It is adultery. A cheater is a cheater, and a whore is a whore. Whores comes in both sexes.

      • Right on! I’m sick of hearing of mistresses referred to as “his girlfriend.” No, a GF is someone you ask out on dates as two single people prior to becoming engaged, then being married. People who FUCK other people’s spouses are WHORES. Get it straight Jim.

          • Yes they are all paid.

            Just in different means of payment, though my ex’s whore got plenty of cash and many gifts, and he bought her clothes and her kids clothes. That is getting paid for her services.

            No whore is a whore without getting paid. The mode of payment doesn’t change the fact that she/he is a whore.

  • Bless you Chump Lady. As a girl growing up in a tiny town in rural Michigan the creative use of cuss words was an art. Of course you didn’t exhibit your skills in front of your parents – ever! In the years since I have read that (1) a gift for swearing is a sign of verbal superiority, creativity and intelligence, (2) there is a positive link between swearing and honesty/integrity, (3) profanity improves pain tolerance (a real bonus for chumps), and (4) it allows us to vent frustrations without the need to get physical and punch someone who richly deserves it.and

    All things considered – I’m in favor.

  • The old fuck tread that was on here saved my sanity and a lot of peoples ears during this shit show. I refrained and frowned on the word for years. No one I knew used it. My kids live with me and my DD is a professional “fuck” user. It’s rubbed off and I use it on a daily especially if something mechanical won’t cooperate or days where I drop everything. BUT I would never have said it in conversation with my dad. When my mom was alive and this was going on I’d let it all fly. She didn’t blink but I’m sure I got an extra prayer about me those days.

  • Write your own book, start your own blog – use ALL the flowery words and phrases.

    But you have balls dragging on the ground to mansplain to ChumpLady. A professional editor and writer.

    I bet you’re the cheater. Go insert a barb wire catheter up your urethra.

  • The ex was a professional at cussing when he was angry which was all the time. That’s is probably why rarely did as well as it was not a part of my family’s exchanges. I have three older brothers and don’t think I ever heard them “swear.”

  • I only use it on here.

    I am not offended when others use it, but for me just throwing it out there isn’t me.

    However, during real time when I was being treated like shit, I wish I had used the word on him. That was many years ago, and you didn’t hear the word as much as now.

    I did call her to his face a whore a couple times. He had the good sense to keep his fucking mouth shut and not defend her.

    It helped because once we established she was a whore (I assume she still is) I never gave her much thought after that until I found CL years later for an unrelated issue. I mean whores are pretty much interchangeable.

    So now if it helps other newly minted chumps to refer to her as a whore, or to throw out the F word, I am fine with it.

  • The STBX clutched his pearls often regarding my use of FUCK…it was all part of how he tried to control me. But I was honest and ethical in all ways, while swearing like a sailor. He was a lying, cheating, drug addicted thief of marital cash, who rarely swears (but it’s ok when HE does it…). When I found the final straw, I flipped him off and started looking for lawyers. Fuck that shit.

  • It’s really interesting here that the letter writer is more disturbed by CL’s “potty mouth” that cheater’s garbage behavior!

    • RIGHT? He bought the book too. Is his cheater the current wife that “cringes” if he uses bad language?

      • Shoe might be on the other foot.

        You know some chumps struggling go through a spell where they try to reach their cheater by sharing literature about the situation.

        And we don’t really know who raised the subject of profanity in that conversation, or why.

        Just speculating of course.

        • Yeah, but whether or not Jim’s wife is cheating on him and he thinks he could get through to her, if only CL wasn’t so goddamn profane!

          He’s still a controlling, sexist prick. So I think he’s a fuckwit, too.

  • Of course I also learned the term “Schmoopie” on this site. It isn’t vulgar but it is satisfying in a condescending kind of way. Nobody could ever take a “Schmoopie” seriously and if anybody objects to you calling her/him names you can say “well it’s a lot nicer than some of the things I could call her/him”.

    But yeah, “fuck” is also satisfying in certain situations and less painful or damaging than pounding your fist into a wall.

  • Chump Lady’s fucking platform,
    Chump Lady’s fucking rules.

    Chump Lady is right, those who don’t like her writing voice can write their own material anytime they like.

    I will admit, I sometimes call people in about language that is actively harmful to others on the platform. For example, when a person gers vitriolic about things about a person’s body that are true about my body, I say so. But even then, I don’t tell them what they can and can’t say, I just say how it impacts me.

    If Jim had said “I feel uncomfortable about it. Why do you do it?” …and truly meant to be curious and receive the answer, and accepted the answer, he would have had zero complaints with me. The dividing line was his drop in out of nowhere with an entitled tone suggesting he has a say, like a judge or parent or manager, in how Chump Lady uses her voice.

    Chump Lady’s fucking platform,
    Chump Lady’s fucking rules.
    Game over.

  • This might be my most favorite post of yours, almost as much as your UBT of my ex husband’s AP’s Valentine’s Day FB post that you beautifully shredded. Your snark is in the stratosphere and it’s a beautiful thing.

  • When my son was running and hit by a truck, the EMTs took him to the trauma hospital because he was cursing. A sign of serious brain injury is cursing even in people who don’t use that language. Isn’t that curious? Points to how painful this cheating shit is! Cuss away my friends if it gives you a moment of righteous relief! Hugs!

  • One of my most satisfying moments was whenFW and I signed the divorce settlement. I calmly said hey FW, go fuck yourself! He replied, I already did.

    • That would have been amazing.

      I was not with my ex at any time for any signing. I also didn’t go to court. But, I kind of wish I would have just to shot him a scathing look. Or maybe even say “go to hell”

      I actually don’t even know if he showed up for court, but I assume he did as he was an extremej controller and he likely would want to be there.

      • Not going to court is a FU in its own way! Good job getting free! I did everything with paperwork, lawyer and showed up for court. It sucked, good you missed it! Hugs!

        • I am likely better off for missing it.

          My lawyer always kept me notified and told me I was welcome to come, but it was not necessary if it would bother me.

          Our D was uncontested, though the legal separation lasted a year.

          I mentioned in another post that I kind of wish I had gone for the three years temp maintenance/legal separation. That would have drove the whore nuts to have to wait for three years. In hindsight, I am pretty sure the fw would have been fine with it.

          But, I was ok with it when it was over.

  • One of my favourite George Bernard Shaw quotes is: (and this is not verbatim);
    Never wrestle with a pig in shit. You both get dirty, and the pig loves it!

    That’s why No Contact is so essential.

  • Chumplady your writing is fucking GENIUS
    I’ve said this time and again. (Thanks for the bits of your upbringing) understood.
    Guess what- I believe in God and ask him for guidance every day.
    I still say fuck. I’m hurting. Husband fucked it up now wants to “love” the shit out of me… I’m confused and feel battered.
    The statement that refers to “doing my best” is exactly it.
    If I freak out and say fuck this on occasion… sure beats the alternate thoughts in this cheating fiasco.
    Jim just admit you love it. You and your linguist wife who knows/should know about this stuff

    • Hey, Shann. Not on today’s topic, but… I read your comments here and my heart goes out to you, and I think I was where you are not long ago. Someone recently wrote that if you’re confused, manipulation is the cause – even if you can’t quite wrap your head around it in the moment. That helped me. Get the duck out of there, then figure the rest out. You don’t deserve to be abused and the sooner you move out and on, the better.

  • As Principled Life and LAJ point out above, there is a time and place for every type of language. This is an adult site, discussing adult subjects. Like Velvet Hammer, I had to edit some of my natural inclinations when I had small children, because they repeat everything and have no filters for appropriate language. Also, they didn’t know what Son of a Bitch or Fuck meant, and I didn’t want the challenge of explaining it to them at that time.

    The idea that more educated and “refined” folks don’t curse is laughable. My mother told me that once, and I started laughing, almost uncontrollably. I enjoy (like chump48) creative cursing, too. I think about the literal meaning of some terms, and that meaning does not convey my feeling when I use the word. I am not talking about a person’s parents not being married when I say Bastard, I am thinking this person is heartless and cruel. The book Bastard Out of Carolina gave me something to think about. Lenny Bruce’s comedy routine about “fuck” also gave me a lot to think about.

    For me it is the same reason white people cannot use ethnic terms, or tell jokes about other people’s religious or cultural beliefs. If you grow up in the culture, and see the humor and contradictions in your own culture, you are entitled to comment, A close friend can call me a derogatory term, to my face, and I can laugh and return the favor. Neither of us are conveying the actual meaning. If a stranger, or member of the opposite sex calls me that word, the insult is clearly conveying their belief about me, and their right to call me that word. Many people who live in other parts of the US call people from the Southern states names like hillbilly and red neck, and assume we all marry our cousin’s. I have travelled all over the US, and visited several countries in Western Europe, and Mexico, and Canada. Southern people do not corner the market on ignorance, intolerance, or bigotry. We all can see into other people’s cultures, and we might find some things funny or strange, but since we don’t come from that culture, we should not make presumptive statements about it.

    I grew up in a FOO culture that was more concerned with what other people think and believe about you and your family than the actual dysfunction going on inside the family. My adult siblings and I have experienced these things even now, when we tried to deal with the death of our dysfunctional father. We are having trouble with my mother, who has lost all her social boundaries with the advance of her dementia. Some of the things she says and does clearly convey inappropriate concepts she learned in her childhood. Some of these things are quite hurtful to all of us, and we are her caretakers and defenders. We may curse, and get angry when we are accused of things we have not done or said, and she may not use curse words when denying that she ever said or did such a thing, but we know the truth.

    Language is powerful The words are like arrows, they can pierce the heart. Sometimes, our situation allows us to express our pain and outrage, or even our appreciative humor, at whatever is going on in our lives. Words convey feelings. Appropriate or not, everyone has feelings. We express to relieve stress. If others want to clutch their pearls and pretend there s never an appropriate time or place to use such language, I always wonder what they do say when life happens to them? Gosh Darn just doesn’t do it for me.

  • Rock on, Chump Lady! I love you just the way you are.

    Remember the “Fuck” thread on the old Forum? That brought a smile to my face in the midst of the living hell after Dday.

  • OH! I remember Jim and his tone-policing, what, two years ago? He felt delicate lady chumps should remain pretty and inoffensive at all times, even when suffering the most heinous abuse.

    I also remember commenting to tell him to fuck off.

    Way back in the day, I taught English to Japanese businessmen in Tokyo. During one class exercise, my student used an expletive like a noun, and I had to explain that curse words have to follow grammar rules. That was the most wide awake I had ever seen my students look (it was an early morning class before business hours at the company). They were waiting in line after class with questions while I was wondering how far I could go without getting reprimanded or fired. To this day, I wonder how much fun it would have been to teach a class in how to swear like an American.

  • XAss used to sneer at me and admonish me for my language, “Don’t let me hear you talk that way in front of our son!” I only cuss sporadically, for emphasis, and at that time, usually in response to something FuckWhit had said or done. But the accusation was his way of deflecting the conversation.
    It made it especially rich coming from him when I was pretty sure the first words out of our son’s mouth would be “GodDamMotherFuckthisShitalltoHell!” and that wasn’t coming out of my mouth at the top of my lungs at every frustration.

    Mother Fucker.

    I found that screaming Fuck repeatedly while in the car very therapeutic, and keeps the kids and neighbors from being concerned about you. Tinted windows can also assist in this mental health exercise.

    • This reminds me of the last Christmas, we had gone to the river property to do some work (this was before Dday, but I was pretty sure what was going on by then).

      He had put up a Christmas tree. I started to jerk the tree around, and he said “oh real mature” I wish I had picked up that fucking tree and heaved it at his head. I am certain the whore decorated it.

      Admonish me for reacting to the pain of his adultery. Fucking asshole.

      I sure wish I had CL during that time.

      • Maturity-now there’s a concept. Lying and cheating is mature? One of my acquaintances is going through a divorce. One of them said he didn’t want to be married to her or live with her anymore. He got an apartment and moved out. They are splitting everything 50:50 and 60:40 care of children. He pays child support and shows up. I asked her if he was cheating, she said No. she is sad and hurt and knew it was coming from the counseling sessions they had. I wonder what that type of split is like. I’m envious!

        • Unfortunately I think those kinds of splits are rare.

          Or maybe I just think that because pretty much every D I know about was due to a cheater. If not a cheater some kind of betrayal such as drugs, porn etc.

          Ihave really thought of how much better I think it would have been if he had just said you know what, I am not happy, I want to be free etc.

          I really do think that though I would be hurt of course, it would have been so much less damaging than years of betrayal and financial abuse. It would have to be.

          And here is the thing, I think the leaver would be so much better off in most cases. They usually damage themselves as much or more than they damage the betrayed.

          But, again that doesn’t happen because the thrill of cheating is tied to the chump. They could not get the same thrill out of openly dating as they do sneaking around.

          According to my daughter in law, my ex was cheating on schmoops in less than two years after they married. I suspect before that, but that is when she caught him. Then he likely took it further underground.

  • Oh God Bless Chump Lady. I’m a farmer’s daughter myself – love the grab a tit it’s milking time. Chump Lady is by far the most articulate writer and speaker. Her ability to cut to the core of an issue and sort through the nonsense is a skill and an art and a talent that so very, very few people come even close to achieving. All the fraudulent “how do you feel Doris…?” therapists out there would give their eye teeth to have a speck of Chump Lady’s DNA and common sense and absolutely brilliant ability to take heart wrenching complex issues involving family/infidelity/finances/betrayal, etc, etc, etc and define a clear path forward for living your best life in spite of the ‘shit sandwih’ you’ve been served. Leave A Cheater Gain A Life is the best fucking book I every bought/read. Chump Lady is incredibly adapt at calling out bullshit with her lazer sharp wit, life experiences, and inspirational advice to live your best life. God Bless Chump Lady……………….and Jim…..Jimbo, Mr. offended by curse words….go to hell.

  • If more kids knew how much swearing there is in science labs throughout the world, they would be more interested in it at a younger age!

  • Uh, Jim, am I supposed to give a fuck what your linguist (is that a job?) wife (cheater?) thinks about the language we use on this website?
    Uh, Jim, and how about you lose the sexism. So let me get this right, you, a male, uses “bad” language, but Chump LADY shouldn’t. Go back to 1950, Jim.

  • Chump lady you are a brilliant writer and thinker. There is no word or phrase that is as ugly, disgusting, or offensive as infidelity: Your whole world crashing down around you in an instant as you realize that there is nothing sacred after all. There are no nice words to that accurately describe the disconnect between a saccharine wedding oath and my husband’s spooge running down the thighs of his lover. Ugly is exactly as ugly as ugly is, not less. Also fuck you, pearl necklace clutches. You are the actual worst.

  • “It says FUCK.
    As in, fuck no, it’s not the chump’s fault.
    Fuck those fucking Switzerland fucks.”

    Shithead didn’t like me cursing, but he had no problems fucking his patients and whores! Sanctimonious, holier-than-thou hypocritical FUCKING asshole piece of shit!

    • My holier-than-thou physician-ex hated my occasional swearing but had no problem fucking a nurse (or two or three) and who knows how many drug reps, etc….

      WHILE HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS MULTIYEAR AFFAIR, he made a big show of taking me to the church of a patient so he could hear her preach. Oh, and we basically never went to church, so this was a big deal (sort of). Drove miles to get there. It was all for show!!! Image management.

      I want to throw up.

      He’s a fucking asswipe!

      There! Swearing makes me feel better, goddammit.

  • English is not my first or even second language, but I have to say (admit?) that my ‘English-skills’ have improved a lot since reading your blog, ChumpLady. Especially my vocabulary regarding swearing is much much better. Please keep it up. And all the posters who broaden my horizon: THANK YOU!
    I was always a good girl, never swore, as a linguist and translator by profession I always thought that swearing was a sign for lack of better words. But after I was chumped at 44 I became very creative with cunt-related words It comes with the territory I guess.

  • I love this. I fucking love this. I’ve been hanging out since before Chump Son (miss him! sending warm thoughts to the plane of eternity). So this goddamned place is no longer a lamppost I cling to for dear life in a motherfucking hurricane, but a gentle reminder of shittiness both general and very, very specific. It’s a sweet reminder of helpfulness, and how fucking weird is that?

    • OldDog, your comment is helpful proof that Tuesday exists. Even f I never make it, I feel immense satisfaction knowing some do!

  • Damn straight, CL! I think I love you. I’m so grateful to you and your potty mouth.

    Oh, and thanks for: “I’ve over-egged the pudding.”

  • I like you’re potty mouth Traci it makes it more fun to read all you’re advice I think you are amazing!????

  • For FUCK SAKE Jim, who in the fuck do you think you are to point out “foul language” and overlook the bigger picture of being fucked over by a fucking cheater. Are linguists above hearing an offensive word but not being fucked around on or perhaps she is the cheater. Just STFU and save your self righteous bull shit.
    My x was a PK (preachers kid) and didn’t have the propensity to swear either but damn did he LIE, cheat and fuck up our family after 31 yrs of marriage. Even during the divorce while I shredded him with my potty mouth he never swore back at me. He acted like he was more offended at me cussing than hearing what I had to say about his Fake Fuck up life. I had a good friend tell me during my divorce to let it out and I could go back to nice words later. It did help me express my anger to the goody goody fucker who betrayed me in the most horrific ways but was more concerned about my cussing him out!!! Im pretty sure liked hearing Fuck when he was watching porn or fucking strangers. So long fucker ……

    • Where is the “like/love” button. Xhole didn’t like me cussing him out either. In 23 years of knowing him, I’d never cussed him out. I let loose with every descriptive profanity (and I knew a lot) I had in my vocabulary. He cussed back, but I was better at it. He actually looked impressed at some of my insults. I cussed him up, down, forwards, and backwards. All the profanity I’d never slapped him upside the head with but that my soldiers were exposed to every time they fucked up, yeah, he got several doses…and on more than one occasion until the divorce was final.

  • For laughs, watch Colin Firth let it fly in “The King’s Speech”.

    I wear pearls sometimes and I can swear like a sailor in two languages. Hand gestures as well.

  • Since this site has a number of people with far more degrees than I have, who actually designated that some words are “swear” words? Are there cuss police? Notice that the majority of swear words have hard consonants at the end and just explode out of your mouth. That’s why they are so effective in certain situations, and, I would imagine, kids are attracted to them because they are easy to say. So, is this a class thing? A way that our “betters” could keep us in our place because a potty mouth is an indicator of an uneducated yahoo? I’m really curious here.

  • Apparently it’s time to present Jim with an old haiku from Fuck Nation:


    • ????
      And the limerick;

      There once was a fuckwit who fucked
      He fucked in the company truck
      His boss said “Hey fucker!”
      “That’s my wife! You can’t fuck her!”
      “You’re fired! And you, bitch, you suck!”

      • You two are perfect examples of why I loved the old “fuck” thread so much.
        Thanks for the laughs!

  • Fuckin’ right! It certainly does not detract from the message, it enhances it.

    You have to wonder if it was really a chump named Jim who wrote that, or some fuckwit looking for a sneaky way to invalidate CL.
    Why in the hell would a chump write in to complain that his cheater didn’t like the language?
    So Jim, if you actually exist and are still around, please let us know.

  • I love the potty mouth. It got my attention, as in “this woman speaks the truth, and she uses more colorful words to describe a horrid situation.” See, the word “horrible” doesn’t get your attention. But the phrase “every flavor of fucked up” does.
    I also noticed in myself, even before CL, swear words suddenly began to enter my mind. This only happened in the years after DDay. I now use it as a litmus of how I’m feeling about STBX, and, if it happens to me after interactions with other people, it’s a signal for me to watch their behavior more closely. I grew up in a generation where women didn’t swear & I’m in a field where it is considered unprofessional to use swear words. They never even came to mind until I found out STBX was deceiving me. “Asshole”was the only word that fit. I never said it out loud to anyone because generally I’m pretty introverted, inhibited, & don’t want to draw attention to myself. But my car is a safe place where I can let loose with very satisfying words, phrases, and complete conversations!
    Thank you CL!

    • Asshole pretty much says it for the general cheater.

      But, for my fw specifically Fucking Sadistic Bastard is more accurate.

  • And let’s not forget the utterly ✨perfect✨ word “mindfuck!” There’s no better descriptor for the heinous soul rape perpetrated upon us by cheaters.

  • Plenty of linguists out there who love cuss words and jump at the opportunity to geek out about their origins and copious uses! <3 Fucking continue to be amazing badasses, CL and CN. 🙂

  • Well Jim – looks like we’re not your tribe. Somehow, I expect we’ll survive the loss of your linguistic cheating wife (or is it you) and your judgments about our chump vernacular. We keep it real here, healing from being a chump… being the sane parent… rebuilding financial lives… filing for divorce… and finding Meh is not for fucking sissies.

    Rock the fuck on Chump Nation.

    • CL is spot on. As usual.
      About 13 months after my D-day, I was on my first date with an absolutely enchanting woman. A fellow Chump who was on her first post D-day date. We were aware and very open about our recent life experiences. This woman used the work Fuck in the most eloquent and linguistically beautiful ways throughout our evening together. At one point she even remarked: “I can’t believe how much I use the work FUCK now!”. Three plus years later & we are inseparable.
      We Chumps get it!
      Fuck Jim & that pompous horse he rode in on.

  • When I, unfortunately all too frequently still, have intrusive thoughts of the ex fuckwit, I shout out “fuck off”, loudly in my cottage, car, anywhere when I’m alone. It really is helping to rebalance the neurotransmitters. And it’s great for my recovering heart.

    Jim still sounds as though he has a lot to take on board about communication, writing in to tell CL how to write. Uuuuggghh.

  • Chumplady rocks! Love her and her writing style!!!

    When I was driving down “lala land and I am in so in love with my husband of over 20 years” street, everything seemed so wonderful and I did not swear much…..that is until I came to the stop sign that said “fuck this shit” street, and I turned on it. And, Jim, I am so glad I did….it led me to the truth and to the fabulous fucking Chump Lady who has helped me enormously… “fucks” and all!!

  • I am retired military with several combat deployments under my belt. Profane away to your hearts content. I promise I have heard much worse and more often in a single sentence many times! Laughable that someone would deign to be so condescending on your own site.

  • Well Jim, what gall to try to tell someone how to write their own blog. You must be one self-important, entitled FW.

    If I had never dated men who told me to smile more, who told me how to do my job or how to speak, perhaps I wouldn’t have ended up marrying three arrogant, self-important, narcissistic dickheads who also felt entitled to cheat or for the last two, try to get rid of me the old-fashioned way (murder).

    I also gotta love the fun folks on the Chumplady Facebook page who complain that “an infidelity support group should have more information on reconciliation” and get all huffy when told Chumplady isn’t that sort of support group. Or the folks who ask for advice and then after the regulars all tell them to leave the cheater, get all bent out of shape and lecture us about the sanctity of marriage and what we owe to “people who come here looking for real support.”

    Keep doing what you’re doing, Chumplady. Obviously, we aren’t Jim’s sort of people. Thankfully!

    • Chump Lady’s advice IS real support! I get some people would want to try again, but telling someone to get away from an abuser is supporting *them*, rather than the rickety legs of the shit sandwich buffet table. People should (and do) matter more than institutions. As for the sanctity of marriage, I’m not religious at all, but I do know infidelity is right there in the Bible as an acceptable reason for divorce. Seems a number of actually religious folk ignore that.

  • My ex has told people that I told him to Fuck off and leave me alone. Shock horror. I’ve also told his flying monkeys that I’m fine when he isn’t being a c**t. He tells me how upset he is when he doesn’t say anything bad about me. I’m the bad person for using Anglo Saxon words. I mean all he did was cheat on me and abuse me mentally, sexually and financially. And really, that’s nothing compared to my potty mouth. Go figure.

  • In my youth, I self edited my potty mouth tendencies. In my 20’s and 30’s, I almost completely stifled myself into oblivion believing that to be the best course with young kids. But when D Day hit in my late 40’s, the torrential onslaught of fuckisms was both liberating and therapeutic. I make no apologies now and am often entertained with how creative some individuals are with their potty mouths.

  • I love everything about this post. I got the beautiful opportunity to tell one of the affair partners she was a whore, a slut, and a sorry excuse for a woman plus some other things. I tell my stbx that he is a liar, cheater, and fraud. He disagrees, but his opinion no longer matters. There is no way out of this without using your fair share of strong language. Their actions against us were strong. The feelings are strong, its only natural for the language to match. The beauty is that 5 years ago I would have likely been too timid to tell that slut what I thought of her, because gasp that is impolite, and I would have been terrified of the ramifications of the FW. The best thing that has happened to me is that I don’t give a FUCK about what either of them think! Its liberation and I’m not going back.

    • This kind of long-overdue and deserved language and refusal to eat more shit sandwiches is what finally got my ex to stop Hoovering… which is what finally bought me the “time and space” I needed to stop spackling and wake the fuck up. Thank fucking god!

  • Jim, I find your unwanted advice to be offensive. It is patronizing and is a bit of a put down. It assumes that 100% of the readers of LACGAL are offended by swearing and the end product would be so much better if only …
    Take your own advice, Jim, and “do yourself a favor” and remove the stick from up your butt.

  • CLady’s writing, humour, intelligence, insights and word choices are so on point. To describe the betrayal and cheating partner, I used words I myself could find offensive in the wrong hands.

    Some Faves: Fuckwit, shit sandwich, the woman who likes to fuck other people’s husbands, and the other day I added Fuckwit cafe to the list.
    Thanks for the laughs CL.

  • I stumbled upon ChumpLady slightly before DDay, while googling why my spouse was acting so strange. The FUCK thread was an outlet I needed every day for awhile. I gave swearing a big vacation when I had young children, but luckily they were young adults when DDay happened. My attorneys were often entertained when ‘fuckwit’ and ‘twatwaffle’ turned up in my emails. In person, they apologized for their own swearing and I told them, completely honestly, that it was like I had late-onset Tourette’s and it was quite impossible for me to be offended. It just flowed out of my mouth with no fucking filter. It was my chant, my mantra, when inexplicable things were happening to my life. It’s calmed down very much to a controllable level, but I still have no qualms about dropping a perfectly placed F-bomb. Cunt has been creeping in more often lately to describe the ex. Lazy cunt in particular, seems more accurate of late.

    Jim Boy can fuck right off with his mansplaining and clutch those pearls up his ass. Nick Cage’s “The History of Swearing” is a good place to start getting Jim-boy and his wife to toughen up their linguistic skins.

    Never change that ChumpLady. It’s powerful, it’s raw, and descriptive of the events in many a chump’s life. It gives voice to the timid and is a powerful repository for a lot of pent-up anger. Finding that anger helped propel me forward in what has been a long, painful, life changing series of events.

    It’s ok to swear. Of course, there are places it is frowned upon, but in any event, nobody actually dies from hearing it… Fuck yeah!!

  • Infidelity, lying, deceit, moral corruption, abuse, these are words that belong in the verbal fuck lane of injustices.
    “Oh, poopy-poo, my husband of 40 years just left me for his 20 year younger mistress”. Just doesn’t cut it Jim, or feel as satisfying. We are most definitely in the fuck lane with this topic. The time to stay calm, reserved and respectful is way past.
    CL is killing the game, her ability to verbally express the torturous agony we feel deep in our souls to our humanity is fuckingly and brilliantly amazing!! I wouldn’t ask her to change one thing.
    Thanks for your concern for our corruption, not a great deal of third graders reading this blog, so no one needing rescuing. Those of us that have been searching for a book like CL’s, have overwhelmingly benefitted from her “potty mouth” approach, it’s a pretty trash topic to discuss. It begs some pretty trashy words to address it properly, since the whole topic is born and bred in the gutter.

  • This website needs a “love” button, because I fucking love every one of you. I swear, you are all brilliant. You are the truth tellers.

  • Last winter, I bought a tea towel that reads, “Honestly? I whisper ‘What that the fuck?’ to myself at least 20 times a day.” I don’t usually go for kitschy shit, but it was just so true. Then, when my sweet 75-year-old friend who says golly without guile confided to me those EXACT words, about her fuckwit (late) husband, I mailed it to her immediately. She has it in her kitchen and chuckles daily. Helps release the (righteous) rage and just reminds me of the absurdity.

    Thanks, CL! For everything. And I am loving all of today’s comments. I feel like a kid learning the most obscene phrases and curses in a foreign language. Keep them coming! I am storing ‘douche canoe’ for the fuckwit I work with. I will say it in my head and under my mask multiple
    times a day.

  • Hi CL and CN, I’ve been reading daily for a year but never posted before. D-day 13 months ago, divorced final 3 months ago. I’m doing ok I think. But…need some advice: when my ex drops off the kids after visitation he brings OW with him and it really bugs me to have her in the driveway of my home. Ex and OW were having sex in my home before I kicked him out, so maybe why I’m a little more sensitive about her being here. Should I enforce a boundary and forbid her from being on my property or is that just kibbles for her? Should I just ignore it ? How can I feel better about it? Thanks ????

    • Hi Daisy. I’m so glad you started posting.

      I suspect he insists on bringing her because he knows it bothers you. He’s triangulating to keep the excitement in their relationship going. That’s is why they did it in your house, too- they need to be screwing somebody else over to get off. This puts you in the power position, actually. If you have no reaction, refusing to be the hypotenuse in the triangle, you may be able to burn their little playhouse down. Without the fun of messing with you, they may get bored and have to cheat on each other to get their kicks. So I say you ignore the bitch being there and go totally stone cold gray rock, giving them nothing to play with. Let the wheels fall off their triangulation trolley while you get on with your new fuckwit free life. If they think you don’t give a shit, the thrill of transgression is gone and all they are left with is being stuck with another loser just like themselves.

  • Yikes.
    I feel Chump Nation was a tad bit harsh toward Jim. Obviously, this blog is Tracy’s, and she’s free to write whatever she likes. And surely, Jim could have been a bit less condescending with his “advice”. But as someone who has been striving for years to rid themselves of their potty mouth, I see both sides. Seeing foul language makes me cringe, but some jokes just aren’t as funny without it. And sometimes you just have to say “eff that” (at the very least), and of course, there really is no better term in this world for our exes than “f***wit” (pearls firmly clutched). There really is nowhere else to turn for advice such as Tracy’s, and even if there was, I doubt they’d have her knack for sniffing out BS and no-nonsense advice. I, for one, choose to stick around and ignore the swear words. They’re everywhere else, anyway, so I’ve gotten pretty good at it. But let’s be kind to each other. Jim, I hope you keep coming back. It works.

    • You’re right. People here are calling the guy all sorts of names even though he didn’t call them any…I get they are trying to conform to the blog’s standards but I don’t get how calling someone a “self righteous prick” is going to help in this situation….I thought u guys were a community….

      • I think you’re full of shit, StayFrosty.

        ‘Jim’ didn’t write to ChumpLady for advice and support, he wrote because he’s a self important, self righteous arsehole who had the mind boggling nerve to wag his finger at someone who is more articulate, talented, and fucking genius at eviscerating shitbag cheaters and their whores than that wanker will ever be.

        Who writes to a blog dedicated to Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, dedicated to advising and supporting people who have been through one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, who have been betrayed, lied to, gaslit, stolen from, their trust and their world destroyed, (and some people here have gone through even worse, like having their *child*) murdered, and murder being attempted on *them*) in order to sneer and complain about the *language* used?

        Self important, patronising arseholes, that’s who.

        Yes, we *are* a community, Chump Nation, and we don’t take kindly to pompous condescending arseknobs like Jim lecturing Chump Lady and the rest of us on the language we should use.

        If you don’t like our reaction to Jim, and the language we use, don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out. Now fuck off.

  • This might be the most ridiculous thread I’ve ever seen on this website. Jim, Yes I understand that in certain everyday work settings. Dropping F bombs is not appropriate. This website is not that. Do you make love to you’re wife or girlfriend and say “oh baby, please perform intercourse with me more aggressively ?” I’ve been around this website for a few years and I can tell you firsthand that Chumpladies cussing is not designed to shut down a conversation. That’s what cluster B’s do. It’s empowering to many of us. Sure this site isn’t for everyone. But it was for me and many others. Not so much rebellion as just being able to stand again and say…..NO FUCKING MORE!!! You don;t have to become a chronic potty mouth to get the message. This site in my mind is built for one thing. To empower YOU!!. Take what you like and leave the rest. There’s a reason why so many seek solace here and wish to give back to others. No matter how crass we may seem. Wish you the best.

  • Fuck is the vinegar of adultery. You know, the all purpose go to for everything cheater related. Just as vinegar can be used from the toilet to the table, so can fuck be used from schmoopie’s bed to the courthouse. There are so many practical applications for fuck! Until Jim gives fuck a go he will be unable to appreciate the value. I know his wife is a linguist but my vehicle is a Ford. Every chump should keep a steady supply of fuck on hand because adultery keeps on giving and fuck was made for getting fucked. Use it! It works!

  • I enjoy the clear and frank language that is used on this website. I’m not afraid of a few fuck-words sprinkled here and there. I am afraid of not being able to pay my kids school fees after being fucked over by my husband of 33 years, but, a little 4 lettered word, nope.

    The weird thing for me is why Jim felt the need to tell CL that his wife is a linguist? So fucking what? Big deal. Her day job has nothing to do with this website. Did I miss the memo about ‘how important someone thinks they are?’

    If people don’t like the style of colloquialisms then don’t read it.

    I rarely swear out loud but I do think thoughts like ‘what a tossa’ and suchlike. I just accept that this is OUR place to get support, to be SAFE, to be REAL and to know that others have been through the same PAIN. I hadn’t really noticed the ‘effs’ but don’t care either, I hear the stories of fellow-chumps and that’s what’s important to me.

    CL, Thankyou and don’t change the honesty. I’ve had enough bullshit to last me a lifetime.
    From a woman with 3 degrees but not in linguistics.(does that matter, hee hee).

    • No degrees here. I’m an elderly chump who’s lived close to the ground my entire life. I hit adulthood running at 17 and have busted my ass ever since to keep my head above water. In my early 20’s I knew that the most important thing in life was to have a dry place to sleep and food. Warmth was a bonus. Without any skills or support I learned to put a patch on today and try harder tomorrow. I also learned to adapt, innovate and get the job done with the resources I had available. My skill with words and grammar may be lacking, but the expression of my experience is valuable to chump dialogue.

      In my 40’s I got a breather and enrolled for one college course. (All I could afford) I loved it and dreamed chumpy dreams of a degree by age 50. As always, life came a-calling and the opportunity vanished. Am I to be pitied? No! I made my choices – some good, some bad. They were mine and I own them. However, I did not choose chumpdom. It was imposed on me.

      I would rather kick back with a chump trash man who could admire my deltoids developed with a shovel, pick and chain than spend one minute with an uppity chump like Jim who wrings his hands at another’s word choice. At least my trash man provides a necessary service intrinsic to my well being during this shitshow. He also has potential of camaraderie in our shared status.

      Yup! I’m the chump who (might or may?) have cleaned Jim’s house or mowed his lawn: a lesser chump, indeed!

      I sincerely appreciate that Tracy allows chump nation to exist as an inclusive group. Does academic oneupmanship have a place in this hellhole of cheaterville? Let’s overlook the vortex whirling from the brain to the gut in the midst of betrayal and focus on WORDS.

      Finally, if linguistic aptitude produces the pissy little term “potty mouth” to describe Tracy’s lexicon, I’ll stay stupid.

      Thanks, Chump Nation, for allowing my rant. And yes, I’m a little unstable today.

      • BoiledFrog, I tip my hat to you. You are Mighty. I was borne with a silver spoon in my mouth, and that did not protect me from fuckwits. But that gave me the luxury to leave as soon as I saw through my own spackle. You did it all by yourself, and I bet despite your family of origin (as opposed to thanks to them). That IS MIGHTY ????????????. English is a second (secund?) language for many of CLady’s Nation. It is a third for me, so I had to Google some words and acronyms. I do not come for grammar lessons. I come for the boostershots that we are mighty, and my FW’s book is unfortunately very common across borders. Thank you all. And thank you BoiledFrog for making manicured gardens and removing trash. I may not have admired YOUR work while walking in my neighbourhood, but I’ll be thinking of you

  • First use of profanity in my story:

    “You are not my husband, and this is not your home. Get the fuck out.”

    Quite satisfying, really.

  • Ok. My turn. Fuck that my I found out (FINALLY!!) that my husband of 33 years had an emotional affair. (yeah. sure.) Fuck Yeah! That our therapist saw through him. Fuck that he didn’t get his colonoscopy for the five years he was due, then was diagnoised with stage 4 cancer. Fuck that his FOO converged on our household (not unexpected, though) when they learned. Fuck that he had mucho mega severe mental breakdowns. Fuck that his mullet haired ugly as Fuck sister stole our financial information from our house. Fuck Yeah that my son found the info in her possession before she could do damage. Fuck SIL who later called Adult Protective Services to our home claiming I was isolating/abrasive/not giving medication/ to her cheating brother. Fuck Yeah that the APS rep deemed the call void on the first/last visit. Fuck that husband became suicidal because all the chemicals and meds made his mental state worse. Fuck that I learned FOR CERTAIN that the EA was actually a full on 3 year Fuck Fest. Fuck that my son’s had to endure all this. Fuck that his workplace was all ‘Rootin’ and Praying and still adoring him. Fuck Yeah that Electric Shock Therapy was an option, and after a month/16 shock therapy sessions, my husband, “came back” to me and my sons, intact, severe depression gone. Fuck that his family, who did not support me decision to to ECT, were like, oh, that’s great. Fuck! I gave you your fucking, son, brother, cousin, uncle, back, Assholes!!! Fuck that after my husband died, my SIL was behind the scenes demonizing me. Fuck that that is what Narcs do. Fuck Yeah, that I know that and have maintained santity. Fuck that SILs held a memorial for my husband for “close family only” (we live in different states), yet my family in that state was not invited. Fuck that we found out after the fact. Fuck that they accused me of not even planning a funeral for my husband, as the cremation was taking a long time. Fuck Yeah that my sisters were helping me planning it all along, down to the Fucking Potato Salad and Niece/Nephew procession. Fuck FOO that they didn’t believe me. Fuck them when I told them I’d decided to have the funeral in our state, to bring some fucking laying in peace to my husband (and to all of us) and to show them, that I wasn’t putting up with their reindeer games, FuckYou. Fuck anyone who thinks I did it for spite. Fuck no, for my sanity, Fuckers! Fuck his FOO for not one of them showing up for his funeral. Over 200 other fucking friends of ours did, but not a peep from his family. Not even my FIL, to stand up with his grandsons. Fuck Them All. They had the fucking time, and means to do so. Fuck the SILs again, for holding a FUNERAL (minus his earthly body) for their brother, without even letting us know until two days later. Oh, and Fuck the people (who claim to not fucking know that husband had a long-term affair, who asked, when is his Celebration Of Life going to be held? Fuck, no, go the a bar and toss one back for your Fucking Cheating Ladies Man Friend. That was fucking stolen from me too. I’m really a fucking sweetheart of a 57 year old woman who loves life and recently parachuted for the first time! I fucking love life, and MY FOO, first and foremost my two sons. We’re doing ok. I still have a bunch of fucking things clanging around my head that I need to address, and that includes a letter to his base commanders (he was civilian, fed employee) essentially, read my letter, here is what is the opposite of your fucking morals and family values are, and howorker is also highlighted. I don’t intend to reveal all, I’m letter the top guns know I’m saving some for the blog/book. (DUN. DUN. DUN.) Hmmmm. I feel a little better! Fuck Yeah! (PS: I’ve though long and hard about the lettertoemployer. It’s my story, my voice. and if it hits a fucking wall and people on the base keep fucking each other, I’ll know I did my part. Infidelity IS Fucking Abuse!

  • Surely there is no topic more worthy of swearing than unfaithful spouses. If ever there were a need for expletives, the subject of cheating whores and bastards has to be it.
    Everything they do just screams “WHAT THE FUCK?”

    • Yep, ten or more years of loving my husband, doling all the domestic work, working outside the home; being loyal taking care of our child, and the worst part being so dammed proud of him and our marriage because we pulled through together.

      Fucking sadistic bastard.

  • Wow, read the crowd Jim… fuckity-fuck fuck. You know what all chumps love after getting out of years of abuse and manipulation is to be told what to feel and how to express it.

    If you don’t feel like swearing you have no business posting here, so fuck you and fuck your “linguist” wife.

    • “You know what all chumps love after getting out of years of abuse and manipulation is to be told what to feel and how to express it.”


      • I honor all of us at CN. We’re mighty and beautiful, potty mouth and all, for paddling through an incredible amount of shit and getting through to the other side, and calling it what it is while doing it. It helped me tremendously as it has and will others.

  • Jim,
    It took Chump Lady to bring me to my senses and actually saved my life from myself!!! You can take your condescending attitude the fucking hell out of here!! I just bet you’ll be saying a lot worse when your fucking cheater gets through with YOU!!! Your holier than thou
    prejudice just makes you appear as a FUCKING DUMBASS BUFFOON!!!

  • Your book and all your fucks are perfect as is. I am endlessly grateful for the hard truths and validation that my anger IS justified!

  • >