Chump Lady Defends Her Potty Mouth

Dear Chump Lady,

Why do you use foul language? My wife cringes when I use bad language (she is a linguist). It detracts from your heartfelt advice.

I bought your book on Amazon and it is right on. Do yourself a favor and cut out the potty mouth.

Your truly,

Jim

Dear Jim,

Thank you for your concern about my potty mouth.

I blame my upbringing. I learned to curse from my father — a United Methodist minister. He takes the Lord’s name in vain every time he drives, operates a radio, or dresses himself. And yet, they let him baptize people. Go figure.

Christ on a crutch, Goddamnsonofabitch, and Jesus H. Kee-Rist are as comfortable to me as old hymns. (I know a lot of those too.) And if you think that’s bad, you should’ve met my grandfather.

What time is it, Grandpa?

Milking time! Grab a tit!

(Or, “Time for all fools to be dead. Ain’t you feeling sick?”)

Perhaps your wife the linguist needs to get out more.

Why is my writing of interest to you anyway? Is your wife a cheater as well as a linguist? Perhaps she should look up the etymology of “hypocrite.”

Gotta love the pearl-clutchers who shag randos and then take offense at four-letter words.

I run a liberation campaign from fuckwits here, Jim. When discussing sex and power, all the satisfying words are naughty.

I don’t know how to write about infidelity without profanity. When I went through it, I found myself channeling fishwives. I assure you, I’m a pretty pleasant, granola-headed person ordinarily. But when I was chumped, I had no words to describe it that were not transgressive, because the experience was transgressive.

I curse because the subject makes me angry, JIm. I know, an angry woman is unattractive. (You should see my Medusa hair. I’m the total Gorgon package.) These days, with fuckwits assaulting our reproductive freedoms, I feel like chaining myself to federal buildings or immolating myself in front of the Alabama state house. And yet, Jim, I content myself with fuck.

I think I’m exercising incredible restraint, all things considered.

Of course, as a writer, I do worry sometimes that I’ve over-egged the pudding. How much cursing is too much cursing? Is it lazy? Am I strident? Is there a kinder way to say “I wish Jesus would descend from a cloud of angels and thug-kick your deadbeat”?

But I wonder, Jim, why you feel the need to do me a “favor” and tell me how to write? Do you read Bukowski and wish for less suicidal ideation? Expect Wagner operas to be more hummable?

I’m a chump with a potty mouth. A woman with a platform. I’m not doing market surveys on how fuck is trending. This is not an exercise in consensus — I write in my own voice. I created this place to support people and I let them say fuck too. Because when you’re deep in the shit, you need somewhere to be righteously pissed. Or sad. Or viciously snarky. I’m not censoring chump feelings. Things can get quite raw.

If Chump Lady is not the flavor of which you like your support, I invite you to create your own fuck-free environment.

And if you don’t like salty language in your self-help books, please enjoy the vast array of bland, dry, but earnestly blameshifting RIC resources available.

My book is not those books. I wrote my book to be provocative. Because I was tired of all the soppy infidelity euphemisms. Wayward. Betrayed spouse. Affair fog. I was offended at language that sanitized abuse, or worse, romanticized it. Do you have trust issues? Hey, affairs are exuberant acts of defiance! Did a cheater give you the clap? He was on a quest for aliveness! And isn’t his happiness worth more than your abnormal Pap smears?

The resources also — nicely! politely! without a single fuck! — blamed me for my part. Did I anger him? Fail to meet his needs? They assumed I would be giving this save-my-marriage shit all MY effort. Even if it took “on average” 4 to 7 years of sobbing. It’s a rollercoaster! And don’t you want to spend 7 years puking on a carnie ride for a chance at a Much Stronger Marriage?

(Where is cheater? In a fog. Grieving Schmoopie. It’s hard for cheaters. Harder really. Setbacks are to be expected! So book another therapy appointment. That will be $180.)

Oh, I ROARED with FUCK, Jim.

I dumped the cheater, built a better new life, and a few years later (fucks still fomenting), I wrote the infidelity advice book I wish existed.

It says FUCK.

As in, fuck no, it’s not the chump’s fault.

Fuck those fucking Switzerland fucks.

Fuck the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.

Yes, I want to shock you, JIm. My fucks are deliberate. I want to smack you the fuck out of your hopium haze. And I’m not nice about it. Which is rather the point — GET MAD. DO SOMETHING. PROTECT YOURSELF.

Straight talk is not a soft pillow. Strong messages are often laced with profanity. I tell people things they don’t want to hear (“You don’t control that.”) Which I would argue is a kindness compared with the send-me-$399-to-affair-proof-your-marriage bozos monetizing false hope.

George Bernard Shaw said: “All great truths begin as blasphemies.”

Don’t say fuck?

Fuck that.

***

This “concern” still comes up occasionally.

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Chumpedforthelasttime
Chumpedforthelasttime
2 years ago

Well put CL. I applaud you, your insight, your unique style of writing.
Chumps are hurt, devastated, living in crap land, self blaming and eating all the shit sandwiches that the fuckwit can ram down their dry, sore from sobbing and heaving throats.
Without you I would be still eating shit, following crap wreckonciliation advise and living on hopium.
Jim do us all a favour, yourself included if you are indeed a fellow chump and tell your sparkleturd to go fuck herself

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago

I remember this one.

‘Jim’ is a pompous, self important wanker. Fuck you, ‘Jim’. ????????????

Shan
Shan
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

What a knob hole twunt you are Jim.

the.truth.is.out.there
the.truth.is.out.there
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Yup, the kind of person who insults people on social
media if he doesn’t approve of their beliefs.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

And any other arseknob who objects to CL’s ‘potty mouth’. Rock on, CL!

Pamz
Pamz
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Arseknob and wanker!!! Another reason I love all things British! You rock Chumpnomore6. ????

OzChump
OzChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I wholeheartedly agree Chumpnomore6! I didn’t become a proud potty mouth until a FW who I’d been married to for 40 years decided he wanted to fuck a slut 30 years younger working in a bread shop. So fuck off Jim. I agree you’re either a cheater or a chump to be reading CL’s fabulous book which saved my sanity and helped me and the proud strong people of CN to keep going in search of meh and Tuesday. Thank you CL!

SoManyTuesdays
SoManyTuesdays
2 years ago

I shock people with my use of the word fck since I found you. But d day and his fucks broke me. I reclaimed fuck. Fuckity-fuck-fuck. And I use it liberally. It gave me my strength back.

Sarah in Texas
Sarah in Texas
2 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTuesdays

Me too. I used to be more “prim and proper” than most, but now? MY FUCKING DIVORCE PAPERS GOT FILED IN THE DAMN COURT YESTERDAY AND NOW THAT MISERABLE PRICK HAS TO GIVE ME MONEY TO COMPENSATE ME FOR SPENDING $80,000 ON HIS GIRLFRIENDS. AND HE GETS TO PAY THE SHIT-TASTIC CREDIT CARDS WHICH CONTAIN A LOT OF ATTORNEY’S FEES USED TO SUE HIS ASS.

Pamz
Pamz
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah in Texas

Sarah in Texas good for you! Only fair…you fuck around you pay!

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah in Texas

FUCKING A
TEXAS

NoMoreChaos!
NoMoreChaos!
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah in Texas

You fucking go girl!
Stay strong.
from a fellow chump in Australia

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah in Texas

Me too.

I got STD tested on New Year’s Eve (wonderful
coincidence – one year, exactly, after dday, thanks to my inert/naive chump response, and then the pandemic), then the bill came on Valentine’s Day (seriously), and this very afternoon I opened my first ever bill from a credit collection agency, from those tests, because my insurance company is a shit show and fucked up. I’m feeling fucking murderous. Does that make you uncomfortable, Jim? Imagine how it makes me feel. Fortunately, I know better than to tell the responsible fuckwit about any of it.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

*reply meant for mommytogs. Adding applause for Sarah! Go team chump!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah in Texas

????????????????????????
Brilliant! I’m *so* glad for you! ???????????? Xx

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah in Texas

Fuck yeah!

Mommytogs
Mommytogs
2 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTuesdays

I do work hard at not saying fuck. Too hard. In fact, I work hard at everything too much, which is probably why I stayed a chump so long. So every now and then I say fuck easily to shake me out of my need to make all things wholesome and good.

Whiteybird the Rooster
Whiteybird the Rooster
2 years ago

CN is my people.

The fucks, twats, and sparkle dicks are the songs of my people.

We sing it loudly.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago

***the songs of my people***

Curse words exist for a reason: to characterize the extreme, the unacceptable, the things that do not fit in a pretty intellectualized box. To express feelings and things that have no nice words because they are NOT NICE. Curse words exist because, Jim, we live in the real world and sometimes it’s not pretty and dress-right-dress.

Curse words are scary to fake people because they pull back the sparkly curtain and reveal the truth. Curse words serve a purpose that is not fulfilled by all the reams of fake, let’s-all-play-nice, holier-than-thou lame-ass bullshit that dribbled out of my cheater’s face hole and meant jack shit. I’m going to say what I mean, and what I mean is fuck you.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago

I love it! And don’t forget the fuckwits, asshats, douche canoes and whores.

Peregrine
Peregrine
2 years ago

Please define: Douche canoe ????????????

Shan
Shan
2 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

Hmmm..? Could be that a cum bucket eventually becomes the size of a canoe
…and desperately needs a massive douche..??????????

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago

And sparkleturds & twats as well.

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

I see myself as a bit of a grammar Nazi and wordsmith.

With that in mind, 2 comments:

1) there may be better “intensifiers” than the word Fuck, and it surely can be uncomfortable to read & hear. But there really are times it’s MOST appropriate,

AND

2) the creative use of “Fuck” can be very colorful and very funny. Indeed, it’s often funny as fuck.

I think you should save your uninvited commentary

SupineChump
SupineChump
2 years ago

I never ever used [what I’ll call] adult language until I found out my ex was cheating on me when I was pregnant with our fifth baby. It’s like I told my [shocked] friend, adult situations call for adult language! And if you keep those words on reserve for those occasions, it really is incredibly therapeutic because it gives a shocking strong voice to match the unbearably strong emotions.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

There’s nothing more powerful than curse words out of the mouths of people who don’t customarily use them, but finally got “that fed up.” You don’t even have to know the person or their history. The words are just more Vesuvian or funny when they use them.

I have a friend who battled a notorious industrial polluter over severe injuries to her family. Gutsiest person I’ve ever known, nerdily smart but sweet as pie and never cursed in her life. It took about six stoic years of legal bs for her to start having a few Erin Brockovich moments. She’d make me laugh so hard I’d choke.

No surprise her grandparents did voter registration drives with Delores Huerta back in the day. What mettle.

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
2 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

“We’re divorced because my ex husband never asked me if he could use $400 each month to fuck other women.” Said in a neutral voice. Gets the point across. Conversation over.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

????????????

Love it! Up to now I’ve just said, “he cheated on me”. I’ll have to get more creative. ????

MamaChump
MamaChump
2 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

This was me exactly, except that I was pregnant with my fourth child. Not a single “adult” word had ever come out of my mouth until the day I found out. Then, it was like every bottled up word came pouring out. It shocked my friends and family. I agree wholeheartedly about reserving them for when no other words can convey the strength of your emotions.

Valerie
Valerie
2 years ago
Reply to  MamaChump

Yes! When I confronted the fuckwit, the air around my mouth was blue, I swear! I called him every cuss word I knew, plus some I made up on the spot. Was very freeing!!

Kim
Kim
2 years ago

Reminds me of my image conscious ex hb.

The fact that he’d kept am ex gf around our entire 13 year relationship was far less of an issue then the fact that i called her a trashy whore, because that was “ugly and hateful”.

Everything is OK in the minds of these pricks as long as one remains polite about. Its not what they do that’s the issue….it’s that our reaction is “ugly”.

Well fuck him and fuck this LW, with his bullshit phony image. He can bury his head in the sand but he doesn’t fool anyone.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Yep.

Had my fw defended his whore when I called her a whore to his face the day he left; I likely would have gone to jail; because I would have picked up something and thrown it at him. I am not a violent person, but I believe that would have done it.

Also, he knew I was right she was a whore and he was a whore monger. He was a confession Christian, he knew the bible; he could not argue with me.

Note: I am not his judge, but the bible is clear on adultery, so no argument there.

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I’m glad we didn’t have a gun in the house because he’d be dead and I’d be in prison. Those who have not been through it have no idea the devastation of such betrayal. Fuck them all.

Pamz
Pamz
2 years ago
Reply to  Wiser Now

Cheating is the most personal, intimate betrayal. It hurts so many family members as well. You lose what you thought was your security and safe person. Saying Fuck is nothing compared to that!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Pamz

It is true and I think it would be rare if not impossible for anyone who has been through it (true betrayal and all it encompasses) to ever forget the pain, and to not have empathy for other folks going through it.

Oh, it doesn’t ruin them, but I just mean it is unforgettable.

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

“Everything is OK in the minds of these pricks as long as one remains polite about. ”

????

Zip
Zip
2 years ago

I couldn’t stand my Ex’s perfectly lovely language and calm poised ways after the discard. His persona no longer matched what I knew was inside – the BS was too much. I wanted him to sound like the FW that he his. No luck, impression management superstar.

Marco
Marco
2 years ago

It’s amazing at the amount of snake oil sales around the “save your marriage “ club. What’s even more amazing is the hopium filled fools who choke down those shit sandwiches. Common sense is not so common.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
2 years ago
Reply to  Marco

>>What’s even more amazing is the hopium filled fools who choke down those shit sandwiches.

Watch out for blaming the chumps. They are in shock and doing what the supposed experts tell them. People who are sick aren’t at their best; they’re guard is down as they seek relief. That’s partly why the US has an FDA to protect people from snake oil quacks when they’re guard is down.

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

Yep, I had everyone around me telling me to just work harder on my marriage, even a shrink and a therapist. My therapist would tell me my issues with my husband’s lying were more about my issues with jealousy and insecurity and I needed to work on those things. I had no real support at any point. None. My own family told me that’s just what marriage is, men do that. They cheat, what did I expect?

I ended up with a mental breakdown, diagnosed schizophrenic, heavily medicated, and still being told by a “pro-poly” therapist that it was fine for my husband to ditch me to go date and if I thought it wasn’t, that showed my deep insecurity and how much I wanted to control him and I needed to get those things in check. Because it was abusive to him.

I want to burn down her house when I think about it now. Good thing I have no idea where she lives. But I wonder, why?! Was it just good ole sadistic fun for her or was she screwing him too? I don’t know but it blows my mind. They did so much harm to me.

Paula
Paula
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

KatiePig,
So awfully sorry to hear of this abuse by the therapist you were paying to help you establish psychological safety. This person fucked with your mind and violated you in so many ways. Used his/her authority in such a way as to blame and confuse you.
Why do therapists do this..? No, she was it sleeping with you FW; this is a foundational
part of old-school therapy, to explore how the current situation is stirring up past hurts, wounds, defenses of the patient, and seeing her cries of pain as REPETITIONS if the past. Yes..! Those who are paid to help us get better at coping with reality are steeped in training that requires then NOT to take reality for real.
Your reaction to trauma is just a repeat of your reaction to old trauma.
As a card carrying member of this profession I can only say how sorry I am for this miscarriage of therapeutic intent and the awful abuse the whole THERAPY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX causes.
Freud did this when he said
THE FEAR IS THE WISH.
This is how rape victims were blamed for their own rape.
For FEAR read also the complaint, the resentment, the accusation, the grievance
all are the unconscious WISH.
Horrifying but true.
All of this was in place until Judith Herman
began to write about trauma. And few have read her or re-calibrated the time honored theory Freud articulated in 1900-1930.
Chump Lady is light years ahead of the THERAPY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

KatiePig that is disgusting that a therapist would say that! My STBX also apparently went to a therapist who told him that “most married people have arrangements where people sleep around”. So, I took that to heart and asked all of my friends if they allow their spouses to cheat or if they cheat. I called my family, my cousins, people I hardly knew. Every single person I asked laughed a little and said, emphatically “no”. So where are all these people that these therapists claim to know about?? I’m a social scientist and I’ve been speaking with people about things my whole life and I have scarcely heard of these successful poly people.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I think that therapist was confessing not counseling when he said most marriages have arrangements.

My mom told me a long long time ago that when someone says “everybody or most do something, they are usually confessing.

I have (when I was working) heard plenty of co workers my age say, hey it was the sixties everyone did drugs. No, everyone did not do it, but we now know they did.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

“Watch out for blaming the chumps. They are in shock and doing what the supposed experts tell them. ”

Exactly, it is easy while in turmoil and confusion to grasp on to a way to what you believe is preserving something that had value to you. It is why some folks get frauded when they are really sick. It is human nature to want to preserve what you perceive as valuable. And to many of us, what we had in our marriage was valuable, and very real to us, even if it wasn’t to the cheater.

I am so glad I did not get hooked up with the RIC, I would have been sucker for them, at least for a little while.

But there were plenty of counselors then, and I am thankful I didn’t have the money for one, I shudder to think if I had gotten ahold of a cheater apologist.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Marco

I was one of those hopium-filled fools choking down the shit sandwiches. It takes a while to finally pull one’s head out of one’s ass and say, “No More!”

Zip
Zip
2 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

I would have been spreading the shit on the bread if I’d been given the chance ????.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Yes, it does. We’ll done for doing it. xx

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I think it is just so stunning and confusing for many of us, when we thought we were with someone who although not perfect, anymore than we are; we thought they had our back, we thought they loved us.

Langele
Langele
2 years ago

What’s wrong with fuck, or the way I like to spell it, fukk?

I think linguists find the word fuck very interesting and universally acceptable.

Greener pastures
Greener pastures
2 years ago
Reply to  Langele

And I challenge any linguist to come up with a word as fitting as fuckwit.

Believe me I have thought and researched and it just doesn’t exist. When someone fucks with you, there is no nice way to put it.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago

Chumplady, what the fuck would we do without you? Seriously I do wonder if Jim is a cheater. Who in the fuck would read your blog if they weren’t either a chump or a cheater? Not that it’s not a great blog, but seriously it’s intense and I would think well adjusted never been chumped types might want to read about shit like Love Languages instead. I truly think Jim is a cheater because if he were a chump he’d be here saying “fuck”’with the rest of us.

So Jim, fuck you if you have no empathy for our shitty circumstances. I think all of us chumps have the right to swear to our heart’s content for all we’ve been through.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
2 years ago

Surviving infidelity is fucking hell. Sometimes the injustice leads to anger, or panic, or primal screaming, or a string of f-bombs. We’re working it out as we go. Clutch your pearls elsewhere. We have work to do.

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

amend

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

Dear Jim,
Thanks so much for mansplaining how women should talk (and using your genteel wife as your excuse). Really you’re telling a successful professional communicator that she needs to change her style and voice to suit you.
Seriously, what the fuck?

Doubly Chumped
Doubly Chumped
2 years ago

Amen. I think the real question is why does the colorful language bother you so much? Sounds like a YOU problem.

kmanning
kmanning
2 years ago

Exactly!

How dare you, Jim? Chumplady doesn’t have to “defend” herself to you, or anyone else.

You’re offended because you know she’s right.

Now fuck off.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

LOL! I feel like he’s saying “I’m not a sexist… my wife would be offended.”
It’s like saying “I’m not racist — I have a black friend.” He’s fucking delusional.

But worse — the bigger story is lost. Why does he care if his “wife cringes when (he uses) bad language (she is a linguist).” Didn’t he BUY THE LACGAL BOOK? Is SHE a cheater??

His real problem is being lost with his “concern” over CL’s style of writing. Besides, if he’s going to go after writers, I have other authors I’d much rather he’d attack (Dan Brown, Stephenie Meyer…)

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago

I might have been less pissed off if the writer had been an older woman like me (in my generation “ladies” generally avoid using the f word – most of the time), and if the writer had expressed personal discomfort rather than daring to tell CL to “cut out” the expletives.

But as MichelleShocked pointed out, whenever a man tells a woman to tone it down, it’s mansplaining. And it made this little old lady fucking mad!

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

I would have been less pissed off if this concern had been expressed by a woman of my generation (a lot of us elder ladies generally avoid using the f word – for the most part).

But when a man tries to tell a woman to tone it down, that always smacks of mansplaining as MichelleShocked pointed out.

Makes this little old lady fucking mad.

Muttercourage
Muttercourage
2 years ago

My ex was like this — wouldn’t curse, didn’t drink. But was perfectly ok with getting blow jobs from random women he met on planes the week before our wedding, sleeping with prostitutes, chatting with cam girls all night instead of taking care of the baby when it was his turn, and spending thousands on strippers. He still freaks out that I don’t have my liquor under lock and key and use a coffee mug that says “bullshit” around our now 8yo. It’s such performative morality. Keep the outside shiny and no one will notice you’re rotten at the core. Fuck that.

Messed with by a FW
Messed with by a FW
2 years ago
Reply to  Muttercourage

Keep the outside shiny…to hide the rotten core-I’ll remember that-that-it’s so fitting for that
people-pleasing, ass- kissing FW. He’d meet women in bookstores while showboating his brainy persona. Had a secret almost-affair with with a fellow reader for a year before running off with her
(briefly) and sending a high paid scumbag lawyer after me to crash our 40 year marriage. He thinks he’s very polished indeed.

outoftheblue
outoftheblue
2 years ago
Reply to  Muttercourage

Woe unto you, cheaters, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness to paraphrase the good book

Ain't It A Shame
Ain't It A Shame
2 years ago
Reply to  Muttercourage

Performative morality it is. ‘Nice’, soft spoken FW didn’t swear around his family, his coworkers or I, but his text exchanges with the bunny boiler/glory hole were chock full of sadistic fantasies about abusing women (including me).

I remember telling FW’s father that it wasn’t my problem that his son was a POS who fucked up all of our lives. Apparently my anger and vulgarity bothered him more than his son’s abuse of us all. Foul language is not the equal of foul deeds.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
2 years ago
Reply to  Muttercourage

“Performative Morality” is the new way of saying Pearl Clutching that I needed today!

can’tbelievehechumpedme
can’tbelievehechumpedme
2 years ago
Reply to  Muttercourage

My ex is marrying schmoopie because “most people get married before they move in. How very moral of him.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago

What a gentleman, and what a lovely lady that fucked your husband while he was married to you but they shouldn’t live together before marriage. Um, yeah fuck that.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Muttercourage

Ugh. How absurd and pathetic. That sort of reminds me of when my STBX told me off for my one bottle, $15 a week wine habit. I said I’d cut it down to every second week. I became fucking furious in hindsight when I found out his hooker habit was at least $800/month.

Kim
Kim
2 years ago

Well in his defense that bottle of wine cost him 12.6 minutes of hooker time.

LOL.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

????

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Your maths skills are fucking awesome, I could never have worked that out! ????????

Kim
Kim
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I knew my physics degree would come in handy ????????????

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I suspect that 12.6 minutes was 12 minutes more than needed…

Jokesonyoulynnjazzy
Jokesonyoulynnjazzy
2 years ago

I just told my adult children that I have more money now than I ever did the 25 years I was married. He controlled all the money and we couldn’t afford a house.

Thankfully, two years after the divorce, I’m going to be able to buy a home. I thank God every day for taking ex out of my life. It took five years for me to realize it was a blessing in disguise.

I sometimes become so angry at myself for believing the Reconciliation crap, but thankful for finding Chump Lady and Divorce Minister blogs! Bought both of their books!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

My fucking ex had the nerve to lecture me on how “we” needed to develop “habits of thrift.” No, that fucker needed to develop habits of thrift! Fuck, I was already thrifty. He spent at least $400-500 more a month than I did, just on lunch and coffee out every day, massages, and Amazon purchases of music CDs (he fancied himself a musician, had 8-10 guitars and a home recording studio in the basement, but it was all an ego-stroking hobby.) The wanker.

Now that we’re divorced, he’s HAD to develop habits of thrift, while I have managed quite well and even saved money, even though nine months after our divorce was final I retired and my take home income was cut in half. Fuckin’ yah!

Beth
Beth
2 years ago

Right? I remember my guilt every time I bought a book (a BOOK for fuck’s sake – I wasn’t buying crack!) because my ex was always telling me money was tight. It was amazing how much money I had to buy what he thought of as frivolous things when his $600 a week stripper habit was eliminated from the family budget. Five years after the divorce I still get a giddy sense of freedom every time I order a new read.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

“5 years after the divorce I still get a giddy sense of freedom every time I order a new read.”

Me too. Isn’t it great? ????????????

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Oh yeah! I remember ex fuckwit getting all annoyed when I bought proper books “because I gave you a kindle so your books wouldn’t be all over the house!”.

Of course it was fine for his fishing shit to be all over the house, not to mention maggots in the fridge, huge gas canisters in the dining room, bits of cars, etc, etc.

“You spend too much money on books!”

But it was finefor him to spend hundreds of pounds on his rat faced whore. Fucking fucker.

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

What is it with books & fuckwits? Two days before dday he had a fit about my Christmas arrival from the Folio Society in London. You’d think I ordered illegal drugs from a cartel. I remember asking him why it was so upsetting & his answer which I’ve long since forgotten was nonsense.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

“What is it with books & fuckwits?”

Good question. It would be interesting to know the percentage of cheating fuckwits who actually *read*, and not just shit like 50 Shades dreck.

When I first met ex fuckwit he pretended to be a reader, (mirroring me, I now realise) but there were no books in his house, the bimbo he left his first wife for had none, none of his family had any, and there were a few cheaters there. And after pretending he “loved reading” the resentment he showed about *me* reading books was extraordinary.

Of course I am *not* saying that anyone who doesn’t like reading is a cheating lowlife, every one is entitled to their own tastes.

But it is odd how often this attitude comes up in regard to cheaters, I’ve had a few people who’ve been chumped tell me similar scenarios. Weird.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I remember early on when my ex left, I was talking to a neighbor who was divorced with two adolensant children. I had mentioned how little money I would have and she said, don’t worry; remember every penny you have will be under your control and you can spend it or save as you wish.

It really did calm me down on the poverty worry.

Also, my dad in response to my money worry said, just pay your bills, don’t buy anything new for a while and save money each week even if it is only five dollars. Of course I knew how to manage money and live frugally, I had years of practice while he was spending money on whores.

AFS
AFS
2 years ago

Well , fuck that

AFS
AFS
2 years ago

I love the straightforwardness .
I love the insults and the fucks .
How often have we chumps carefully chosen the next word, considered their point of view and walked on egg shells.

Fuck the fucking fuckers

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
2 years ago
Reply to  AFS

Yup! I used to think if only I could say the thing in just the right way she wouldn’t blameshift. Fuck that.

Sue_W
Sue_W
2 years ago

‘Fuck’ onward, CL! One of the reasons I still follow your blog eight years later is because of your raw honesty and use of profanity when calling out people’s shit. Your no-nonsense frankness often gives me a good chuckle, too! Keep the ‘fucks’ coming! ????

Wehaveintergrity
Wehaveintergrity
2 years ago

The real harm lies in stds, child abuse, financial ruin and trauma not in curse words! Shame on you Jim with trying to minimize the horrible damage cheaters cause. Jim, you sound disordered have your head checked!

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
2 years ago

Well gee Jim. Thank you so much for for your Emily Post advice. Well golly gee I have seen my ways. I will never use the work fuck again. Now I will obey every man like the family dog. Is that what you want from women Jimmy boy? I say fuck that. And fuck you Jim. I suspect you are not a chump. But, a cheater who gets off on telling women how to talk and act. If only the wife would not have used the fuck eord so much. Now I need to screw some random stranger. Or my wives cousin(as in my case). Nothing more lady like than to screw your cousin’s husband. Nothing like keeping it in the family.

PrincipledLife
PrincipledLife
2 years ago

I’ve actually thought a lot about the profanity and why we use it. One of my degrees is in English and I taught it at the college level. Before Dday I hardly ever used profanity, but now I could make the saltiest sailor blush and run for cover. Wasn’t against profanity before and not against it now. As I explained to an eight year old relative the other day, there are no good words or bad words, there are just words appropriate for certain situations and others that aren’t…and then we thought up some silly examples. (To your teacher: Good morning Mrs. Jamison, you silly old trout. Please pull up a chair and sit your giant butt down.”)

In keeping with that philosophy, the words appropriate for betrayal are all profanity. They are guttural and primal. Everyone understands them and they are without ambiguity. When you find out your life has been built on a foundation of lies, you want the truth desperately, you want it straight up, without gaslighting, prettifying or further lies. Because fuck that shit.

Bees
Bees
2 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

Yes, PL!
I hardly ever curse- just a personal choice- but the day I confronted the Knaveman with indisputable evidence of his affair, my carefully chosen fuck-laced words were delivered with a stone-cold show of force. This caught him off guard. Admissions of more followed until I expressed indifference to the details and told him to stop bothering me with needless trivialities of his fuckwit nature – we’re done- another shocker to him. Welcome to the new me, Knaveman.

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

every word of this!

Real Monkey Love
Real Monkey Love
2 years ago

My dear old mother said “I don’t like that you are swearing so much”. I understand that swearing is like spitting out chunks of anger.

Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck, there feel much better!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago

“My dear old mother said “I don’t like that you are swearing so much”.

Funny that. *My* dear old mother,(who is a cheater herself, which she ‘shared’ with me after Dday ????) just can’t bear profanity, according to her swearing is a sign of poor vocabulary skills, and general disgusting character, but fucking around on my father was just fine, because her fuckbuddy was “the love of her life”. Puke. ????

Of course I am *not* saying this is the case with *your* mother!

alas rainy again
alas rainy again
2 years ago

I love your approach. Yes, profanity is ankin to spitting chunks of anger. Then, I can also understand your mother’s line: she doesn’t like to see you angry. Now, “stop being angry” is not helpful advice. After thoroughly getting that anger out, what are we going to do with it? I am all for using profanity when mishandling a hammer, but after those liberating vocals, drop the hammer and attend to your hurt thumb. Don’t spend the evening cursing.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago

As I tell my linguistic students, you know when to refrain from cursing or potty-mouth terms just as you know not to wear your a tuxedo to paint a house.

alas rainy again
alas rainy again
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

I love your approach. Yes, profanity is ankin to spitting chunks of anger. Then, I can also understand your mother’s line: she doesn’t like to see you angry. Now, “stop being angry” is not helpful advice. After thoroughly Getting that anger out, what are we going to do with it? I am all for using profanity when mishandling a hammer, but after those liberating vocals, drop the hammer and attend to your hurt thumb. Don’t spend the evening cursing.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
2 years ago

Fucking brilliant!

Trudy
Trudy
2 years ago

Lol. I read a chump lady letter aloud to my sister who interrupted me to ask if they allow all that cursing online…?? Yeah. she’s married to a dear man who loves his wife and his life, bless him. She’s never experienced that level of anger that puts the fierce in fuck you Jimboy. But if no one ever caught her, she’d help me thug kick my ex to NYC and back. And his fuckbitch too. I do get lectured by my sisters for cursing too much. I just la la that out.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
2 years ago

Another “stay in your lane” man.

Awesome.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago

Wow, what a great column, rockin’ poetry, hot jazz, ChumpLady. BTW I’d never heard of Bukowski, had to look in Wikipedia to discover, what you must have known, that some of his work was subjected “creative editing” _post mortem_. Which makes your point about him sharper yet. Tx for the righteous read!

Sweetiechumpnomore
Sweetiechumpnomore
2 years ago

Keep up with the foul language ChumpLady! Although I have been known to drop an f bomb when I stub my toe I generally don’t. My children thought the word butt was a swear word and other women at work apologize if they use off color language (although it doesn’t actually offend me.). Reading your work helps me get past all the polite and ladylike bullshit societal expectations when I am thinking about what my stbx did to me. Here I am living life as good honest person and he is out doing all sorts of crazy things behind my back. My first act of Chump rebellion was giving him the finger. It started a fight that led to him saying he wanted to be divorced and “accidentally” leaving his burner phone out where I would find it. I am so glad I stopped being a lady long enough to flip him the bird because now I know the truth and will be free after 26 years of gaslighting and covert abuse. I still am my same old polite self and only swear occasionally and only when talking about him but reading your plain language helps me to feel tough and make all the tough decisions I have had to over the past 6 months.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
2 years ago

After 4 years of profanity post DD, one of my son’s said, “Okay Mom. You need to stop using the F word.” And in a way, he was right. I found myself more angry when I used it and it was time to get over the dick. So now I call him ‘Richard’ because I don’t refer to him by his real name. Of course everyone knows why I call him Richard. But I don’t refrain from saying ‘Fuck’ or ‘Fuck that!’ if the occasion warrants.

Rosslucy465
Rosslucy465
2 years ago

This reminds me of the symphony of women called in to discuss a certain candidate’s hot mic moment bragging about grabbing women by the pussy on a 24-hour news channel. It devolved into one of the women (who was later hired to be that winning candidate’s press secretary) lecturing a conservative colleague to please stop using the word pussy.

It’s not OK to use the word pussy, but it’s not a big deal to grab a woman by the pussy.

Got it.

Note: grab my pussy and I will punch you in the balls and spit on you while you’re down. And I won’t apologize, motherfucker.

kathy
kathy
2 years ago
Reply to  Rosslucy465

Exactly, Rosslucy465!!
Some time after 2nd D-day, my STBX said he never stopped loving me! really, “you loved me when you were sticking your dick in a stranger’s ass!?!”, I responded. His only response was, “why do you have to be so graphic”… soooo, he can do it, but I can’t say it. they really are crazy

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  kathy

“why do you have to be so graphic”.

????????????????

How dare you reduce his self absorbed fantasies to reality? Bad chump!!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Right?

I guess what she should have said was: “Really you loved me when you locked eyes with your soulmate and faded to black”

That way the cheater could pretend he wasn’t a putrid pile of shit.

chump no more
chump no more
2 years ago
Reply to  Rosslucy465

^^This made my day^^ — Fuckin Hypocrites

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  Rosslucy465

damn right!

chumped48
chumped48
2 years ago

Honestly, I’ve never heard of a linguist that doesn’t support swearing- because it’s language that people actually USE. Linguists are DEscriptivists, not PRESCRIPtivists!! I’m an MA TESOL candidate and all my professors (with Phds in Applied Linguistics) understand and support this concept. In my Intro to Linguistics class my professor used the word “Abso-fucking-lutely” to describe what the term “infix” meant. There are rules on how to insert “fucking” into words and Chump Lady is NOTHING but not correct (and unfuckingbelievably awesome) in her language use of “FUCK”. I can’t believe there are still people clutching their pearls about women swearing. Piss the fuck off.

Okupin
Okupin
2 years ago
Reply to  chumped48

Ha ha! I also have an MA in Linguistics (pragmatics), and I was just thinking about infixing, too: “fuck” was the prime example all my profs used as well!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

Check out The History of Swear Words on Netflix. With interviews of a lot of very astute and intelligent, dare I say refined, linguists. Hilariously hosted by Nicolas Cage. My daughter and I have enjoyed it very much. Hey, if you’re going to swear, be informed about it. I’ll bet if Jim and his wife watched it, they would learn a lot they didn’t know either.

Sweating also has pain-relieving qualities, which I believe and would explain my increased use of it post DDay.

My daughter has permission to swear in my presence because of the above fact. She does not have permission to swear in polite social situations. I am not concerned about her swearing. I am concerned about her using drugs or drinking or killing herself or using her father as a guide on how to treat other people.

When she was three, and said “give me the fucking balloon” as I was loading groceries into the car, I decided to retire the word “fuck” from my vocabulary, as little as I used it.

Now that we have been abandoned and our family shattered, we say “fuck” a lot and it often makes us laugh.

It’s OK with me to say “fuck” if no one is looking.

It is not OK to fuck other people when no one is looking.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago

“When she was three, and said “give me the fucking balloon” as I was loading groceries into the car,”

????????????

My daughter’s first word was “shit”, after I’d dropped a casserole on the floor.

She did say “mummy do” afterwards though. ????

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I admired her grammatically correct use of “fucking”….

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

PS…

Google “swearing intelligence” and quite a lot of studies come up linking the two. Below is a link to a study from Yale.

Evidently I must be very very intelligent….

https://cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com/campuspress.yale.edu/dist/a/1215/files/2016/05/Giordano-rg5y5r.pdf

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

Well fuck that! Like you said it’s adult language applied to an adult situation. It’s no different than people telling us to get over it. Fuck no!! I tell THE truth not MY truth. Don’t like it then just FUCK OFF!

IcanseeTuesday
IcanseeTuesday
2 years ago

I am reminded that an “affair” is actually a catered event which provides invitations to all those whose attendance is desired. I sure as hell didn’t invite her to fuck my husband. And my RSVP was a divorce filing.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  IcanseeTuesday

Exactly “affair” cleans that shit pile up.

I try to refer to it as adultery. It is adultery. A cheater is a cheater, and a whore is a whore. Whores comes in both sexes.

Chumpadellic
Chumpadellic
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Right on! I’m sick of hearing of mistresses referred to as “his girlfriend.” No, a GF is someone you ask out on dates as two single people prior to becoming engaged, then being married. People who FUCK other people’s spouses are WHORES. Get it straight Jim.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpadellic

Whores need to get paid ????????????
Some of them are just holes/orifices.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yes they are all paid.

Just in different means of payment, though my ex’s whore got plenty of cash and many gifts, and he bought her clothes and her kids clothes. That is getting paid for her services.

No whore is a whore without getting paid. The mode of payment doesn’t change the fact that she/he is a whore.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  IcanseeTuesday

Tou-fuckin-che!!

Linny
Linny
2 years ago

Bless you Chump Lady. As a girl growing up in a tiny town in rural Michigan the creative use of cuss words was an art. Of course you didn’t exhibit your skills in front of your parents – ever! In the years since I have read that (1) a gift for swearing is a sign of verbal superiority, creativity and intelligence, (2) there is a positive link between swearing and honesty/integrity, (3) profanity improves pain tolerance (a real bonus for chumps), and (4) it allows us to vent frustrations without the need to get physical and punch someone who richly deserves it.and

All things considered – I’m in favor.

Informal
Informal
2 years ago

The old fuck tread that was on here saved my sanity and a lot of peoples ears during this shit show. I refrained and frowned on the word for years. No one I knew used it. My kids live with me and my DD is a professional “fuck” user. It’s rubbed off and I use it on a daily especially if something mechanical won’t cooperate or days where I drop everything. BUT I would never have said it in conversation with my dad. When my mom was alive and this was going on I’d let it all fly. She didn’t blink but I’m sure I got an extra prayer about me those days.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

I agree: that thread saved my sanity. I loved the fuck thread.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
2 years ago

This is why we fucking love you, Tracy. ????

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
2 years ago

Write your own book, start your own blog – use ALL the flowery words and phrases.

But you have balls dragging on the ground to mansplain to ChumpLady. A professional editor and writer.

I bet you’re the cheater. Go insert a barb wire catheter up your urethra.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago

Balls the size of church bells ????

Informal
Informal
2 years ago

The ex was a professional at cussing when he was angry which was all the time. That’s is probably why rarely did as well as it was not a part of my family’s exchanges. I have three older brothers and don’t think I ever heard them “swear.”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I only use it on here.

I am not offended when others use it, but for me just throwing it out there isn’t me.

However, during real time when I was being treated like shit, I wish I had used the word on him. That was many years ago, and you didn’t hear the word as much as now.

I did call her to his face a whore a couple times. He had the good sense to keep his fucking mouth shut and not defend her.

It helped because once we established she was a whore (I assume she still is) I never gave her much thought after that until I found CL years later for an unrelated issue. I mean whores are pretty much interchangeable.

So now if it helps other newly minted chumps to refer to her as a whore, or to throw out the F word, I am fine with it.

Lost3fiddy
Lost3fiddy
2 years ago

FUCK YES!!

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago

The STBX clutched his pearls often regarding my use of FUCK…it was all part of how he tried to control me. But I was honest and ethical in all ways, while swearing like a sailor. He was a lying, cheating, drug addicted thief of marital cash, who rarely swears (but it’s ok when HE does it…). When I found the final straw, I flipped him off and started looking for lawyers. Fuck that shit.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

https://phys.org/news/2017-01-links-honesty.html

University of Cambridge study linking profanity and honesty.

Just sayin’.

Langele
Langele
2 years ago

Fukk off Jim.

sdvSDv
sdvSDv
2 years ago

It’s really interesting here that the letter writer is more disturbed by CL’s “potty mouth” that cheater’s garbage behavior!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  sdvSDv

RIGHT? He bought the book too. Is his cheater the current wife that “cringes” if he uses bad language?

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago

Shoe might be on the other foot.

You know some chumps struggling go through a spell where they try to reach their cheater by sharing literature about the situation.

And we don’t really know who raised the subject of profanity in that conversation, or why.

Just speculating of course.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago

Yeah, but whether or not Jim’s wife is cheating on him and he thinks he could get through to her, if only CL wasn’t so goddamn profane!

He’s still a controlling, sexist prick. So I think he’s a fuckwit, too.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

Oh no doubt Jim is still a sexist prick fuckwit, regardless

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
2 years ago

Of course I also learned the term “Schmoopie” on this site. It isn’t vulgar but it is satisfying in a condescending kind of way. Nobody could ever take a “Schmoopie” seriously and if anybody objects to you calling her/him names you can say “well it’s a lot nicer than some of the things I could call her/him”.

But yeah, “fuck” is also satisfying in certain situations and less painful or damaging than pounding your fist into a wall.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
2 years ago

Chump Lady’s fucking platform,
Chump Lady’s fucking rules.

Chump Lady is right, those who don’t like her writing voice can write their own material anytime they like.

I will admit, I sometimes call people in about language that is actively harmful to others on the platform. For example, when a person gers vitriolic about things about a person’s body that are true about my body, I say so. But even then, I don’t tell them what they can and can’t say, I just say how it impacts me.

If Jim had said “I feel uncomfortable about it. Why do you do it?” …and truly meant to be curious and receive the answer, and accepted the answer, he would have had zero complaints with me. The dividing line was his drop in out of nowhere with an entitled tone suggesting he has a say, like a judge or parent or manager, in how Chump Lady uses her voice.

Chump Lady’s fucking platform,
Chump Lady’s fucking rules.
Game over.

Former Groupie
Former Groupie
2 years ago

This might be my most favorite post of yours, almost as much as your UBT of my ex husband’s AP’s Valentine’s Day FB post that you beautifully shredded. Your snark is in the stratosphere and it’s a beautiful thing.

Thrive
Thrive
2 years ago

When my son was running and hit by a truck, the EMTs took him to the trauma hospital because he was cursing. A sign of serious brain injury is cursing even in people who don’t use that language. Isn’t that curious? Points to how painful this cheating shit is! Cuss away my friends if it gives you a moment of righteous relief! Hugs!

Shintoga
Shintoga
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

I hope your son is ok, now!

Thrive
Thrive
2 years ago
Reply to  Shintoga

Thank you! Yes-it was a long horrible process but he is doing well and adapted.

Thrive
Thrive
2 years ago

One of my most satisfying moments was whenFW and I signed the divorce settlement. I calmly said hey FW, go fuck yourself! He replied, I already did.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

That would have been amazing.

I was not with my ex at any time for any signing. I also didn’t go to court. But, I kind of wish I would have just to shot him a scathing look. Or maybe even say “go to hell”

I actually don’t even know if he showed up for court, but I assume he did as he was an extremej controller and he likely would want to be there.

Thrive
Thrive
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Not going to court is a FU in its own way! Good job getting free! I did everything with paperwork, lawyer and showed up for court. It sucked, good you missed it! Hugs!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

I am likely better off for missing it.

My lawyer always kept me notified and told me I was welcome to come, but it was not necessary if it would bother me.

Our D was uncontested, though the legal separation lasted a year.

I mentioned in another post that I kind of wish I had gone for the three years temp maintenance/legal separation. That would have drove the whore nuts to have to wait for three years. In hindsight, I am pretty sure the fw would have been fine with it.

But, I was ok with it when it was over.

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
2 years ago

F-cough Jim

Egans
Egans
2 years ago

One of my favourite George Bernard Shaw quotes is: (and this is not verbatim);
Never wrestle with a pig in shit. You both get dirty, and the pig loves it!

That’s why No Contact is so essential.

Shann
Shann
2 years ago

Chumplady your writing is fucking GENIUS
I’ve said this time and again. (Thanks for the bits of your upbringing) understood.
Guess what- I believe in God and ask him for guidance every day.
I still say fuck. I’m hurting. Husband fucked it up now wants to “love” the shit out of me… I’m confused and feel battered.
The statement that refers to “doing my best” is exactly it.
If I freak out and say fuck this on occasion… sure beats the alternate thoughts in this cheating fiasco.
Jim just admit you love it. You and your linguist wife who knows/should know about this stuff

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Shann

Hey, Shann. Not on today’s topic, but… I read your comments here and my heart goes out to you, and I think I was where you are not long ago. Someone recently wrote that if you’re confused, manipulation is the cause – even if you can’t quite wrap your head around it in the moment. That helped me. Get the duck out of there, then figure the rest out. You don’t deserve to be abused and the sooner you move out and on, the better.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

*Not duck. Fuck! My autocorrect has outed me.

Portia
Portia
2 years ago

As Principled Life and LAJ point out above, there is a time and place for every type of language. This is an adult site, discussing adult subjects. Like Velvet Hammer, I had to edit some of my natural inclinations when I had small children, because they repeat everything and have no filters for appropriate language. Also, they didn’t know what Son of a Bitch or Fuck meant, and I didn’t want the challenge of explaining it to them at that time.

The idea that more educated and “refined” folks don’t curse is laughable. My mother told me that once, and I started laughing, almost uncontrollably. I enjoy (like chump48) creative cursing, too. I think about the literal meaning of some terms, and that meaning does not convey my feeling when I use the word. I am not talking about a person’s parents not being married when I say Bastard, I am thinking this person is heartless and cruel. The book Bastard Out of Carolina gave me something to think about. Lenny Bruce’s comedy routine about “fuck” also gave me a lot to think about.

For me it is the same reason white people cannot use ethnic terms, or tell jokes about other people’s religious or cultural beliefs. If you grow up in the culture, and see the humor and contradictions in your own culture, you are entitled to comment, A close friend can call me a derogatory term, to my face, and I can laugh and return the favor. Neither of us are conveying the actual meaning. If a stranger, or member of the opposite sex calls me that word, the insult is clearly conveying their belief about me, and their right to call me that word. Many people who live in other parts of the US call people from the Southern states names like hillbilly and red neck, and assume we all marry our cousin’s. I have travelled all over the US, and visited several countries in Western Europe, and Mexico, and Canada. Southern people do not corner the market on ignorance, intolerance, or bigotry. We all can see into other people’s cultures, and we might find some things funny or strange, but since we don’t come from that culture, we should not make presumptive statements about it.

I grew up in a FOO culture that was more concerned with what other people think and believe about you and your family than the actual dysfunction going on inside the family. My adult siblings and I have experienced these things even now, when we tried to deal with the death of our dysfunctional father. We are having trouble with my mother, who has lost all her social boundaries with the advance of her dementia. Some of the things she says and does clearly convey inappropriate concepts she learned in her childhood. Some of these things are quite hurtful to all of us, and we are her caretakers and defenders. We may curse, and get angry when we are accused of things we have not done or said, and she may not use curse words when denying that she ever said or did such a thing, but we know the truth.

Language is powerful The words are like arrows, they can pierce the heart. Sometimes, our situation allows us to express our pain and outrage, or even our appreciative humor, at whatever is going on in our lives. Words convey feelings. Appropriate or not, everyone has feelings. We express to relieve stress. If others want to clutch their pearls and pretend there s never an appropriate time or place to use such language, I always wonder what they do say when life happens to them? Gosh Darn just doesn’t do it for me.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Beautifully put.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

Rock on, Chump Lady! I love you just the way you are.

Remember the “Fuck” thread on the old Forum? That brought a smile to my face in the midst of the living hell after Dday.