I don’t understand why CNN took legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin back. I guess there is a serious articulate lawyer shortage in Washington, D.C. and New York. Not a single professional who can both comb their hair and break down complex legal issues in 90-second sound bytes. Given this unique quality — a lawyer who can talk authoritatively to television cameras — Jeffrey had to return. So rare and precious a gem is he.
Toobin, you’ll recall, was fired from the New Yorker and suspended from CNN eight months ago, after wanking off on a Zoom call with coworkers. He thought the video was muted. (I snarked about “air time” here, if you want to catch up.)
But today, I am not writing about Toobin’s mischievous Mr. Perky. No, today we pity poor Alisyn Camerota who chose the short straw (that was NOT a dick joke) and had to introduce Toobin’s Apology Segment.
In an interview that will make you cringe and sink into the floor from sheer secondhand mortification, Toobin shares that this entire incident was “inexplicable.”
What? The wanking or the consequences? Because if it’s wanking, how do you know mysterious forces won’t take charge of your trousers again? If you have no idea how this occurred, how can you promise it won’t?
“It was deeply moronic and indefensible… but…”
“I have spent the seven subsequent months – miserable months – in my life trying to be a better person,” Toobin said.
Oh the suffering. The MISERY Jeffrey has endured from trying to be a better person.
To think people do this willingly! Volunteer, feed orphans, pull their neighbor’s car out of snowbank. Goodness is hell to Jeffrey.
“In therapy, trying to do some public service, working in a food bank, working on a new book. I am trying to become the kind of person that people can trust again.”
UBT: You used to trust me, now I have to work for it, and it’s making me miserable.
Pity the poor food bank of Jeffrey’s penance.
Shelf the pasta, Toobin!
AM I FORGIVEN YET?
(Another forklift of donated groceries arrives.)
Fade out, as the formerly respected news analyst forlornly sorts dented canned goods.
Hey, the important takeaway here is that Toobin is a “flawed human being who makes mistakes.” Who has a new book coming out. He’s sick of the performative sorry schtick. He’s back, aren’t you grateful? He always chooses you. You’re the one he really loves, CNN. He and the New Yorker have broken up. No, HE dumped the New Yorker for YOU. They didn’t understand him the way you understand him.
Just take him back CNN, and your marriage will be stronger and BETTER for this inexplicable Zoom wanking, which doesn’t DEFINE him, okay?
Don’t you want what you had together?