Many of our UK chumps sent me the news this weekend that their Health Secretary, Matt Hancock — the guy in charge of the coronavirus pandemic response — had to resign for failing to socially distance his dick.
He was caught on video, by the tabloid newspaper The Sun, kissing his Schmoopie at his office.
I’ve watched this video, striking for its perspective on Hancock’s male pattern baldness, and you have to admire the guy’s moves. The way he sets the mood, making out next to the coat rack and waste-paper basket. How he awkwardly embraces Gina Coladangelo and grabs her ass, like an 8th grader at his first slow dance. OMG, this is an ass. OMG she is letting me touch it! As they sway back and forth to Lionel Ritchie.
♬ One, Twice, Three Times a Lady… ♬
(Okay, I don’t actually know the soundtrack to this video. It could’ve been Bread’s “I Wanna Make It With You.”)
Turns out Minister Don’t Hug Anybody had been having a years-long affair with his old school chum Gina. Who he also conveniently gave one of those jobs you never show up for. The Independent reports:
Ms Coladangelo was handed a role as non-executive director at the Department for Health and Social Care (DHSC) in September last year.
The role, which scrutinises decisions made by the department, earns at least £15,000 a year. There is no public record of the appointment but it is listed on her LinkedIn page.
Somehow Matt still thought he was going to keep his job, but Parliament thought differently.
In his letter of resignation, Mr Hancock said:
“The last thing I would want is for my private life to distract attention from the single-minded focus that is leading us out of this crisis.
“I want to reiterate my apology for breaking the guidance, and apologise to my family and loved ones for putting them through this. I also need (to) be with my children at this time.”
Matt’s so sorry, he left his wife Martha — the same day he resigned his job.
Which, if you’ve spent any time reading my blog, makes a lot of sense. You bust up your marriage, lose your job, what’s a fuckwit’s next move? Making this whole cock-up look like it was for Twu Wuv! Gina, are you there? Matt’s unemployed and available!
What’s Martha get? Besides public humiliation and impending single parenthood? Peonies! Martha gets pink peonies.
Flowers were delivered to the Hancocks’ London home early on Saturday.
The pink peonies in a glass vase were placed on the front doorstep by a delivery driver just after 10am.
Oh and what else does Martha get? According to Joe.co.uk, Martha also gets COVID.
Downing Street announced former home secretary and chancellor, Sajid Javid, will take Hancock’s place as he now looks set to start a new life and “set up a home” with Coladangelo. As reported in The Sunday Times, the news came as a huge shock to his wife, who considered their relationship “happy” and “stable”.
To add insult to injury, Mrs Hancock is also said to be battling Long Covid after having picked up the virus from her husband, who has clearly been doing anything but exercising the ‘hands, face, space’ mantra.