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A Chump Declaration of Independence

freedomOverthrowing tyrants? Boldly striking out to chart a new life? Chumps have Independence Day down. Today I’m rerunning this proclamation by CN member KibblesNBits. Please add your amendments and revolutionary fervor in the comments. 

Have a happy (observed July 4) holiday everyone and VIVA la independence!  

Dear Chump Lady,

In honor of what will be yet another difficult holiday for some. I have re-written the Declaration of Independence for Chumps everywhere. Thank you for all you do! Happy Independence Day!

Our Declaration of Independence
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the bonds which have connected them with a cheating partner, and to assume the powers of freedom, to which the Laws of Values and character entitle them.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all who have been cheated on are created equal, that they are endowed with unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness — That whenever any Form of relationship becomes destructive, it is the Right of the chumped to alter or to abolish their relationship, and to lay a foundation as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. It is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such an abusive partnership, and to provide a new life for themselves and their children’s future security.  — Such has been the patient sufferance of the chumpted. To prove this, let Facts of a cheater be submitted to a candid world.

  • They have broken the bounds of marriage and commitment.
  • They have blame shifted and gas-lighted their partner info believing it is all their fault. Thereby inflicting emotional abuse.
  • They have recklessly spent monies secured for your family and children.
  • They have called together family and friends for the sole purpose of feeding them a false narrative and moving them into compliance.
  • They made their partner/spouse vulnerable to disease and sickness.
  • They have obstructed the Administration of Justice, by lying under oath, and spreading false witness against their partners and circumventing the law.
  • They have made partner/spouse dependent on their will alone, taking advantage of their empathy and using it to fuel their relentless desire for cake.
  • They have created false records, email accounts, craigslist profiles to troll for hook-ups and have enlisted their allies to cover their tracks.
  • They have kept among us, in times of peace, enough tokens of affection to keep us in our place, and in a state of confusion.
  • They have frozen our assets and cut us off from our family through alienation.
  • They turn our children against us for the purpose of feeding their own ego.
  • They declare themselves falsely sorry and falsely invested our relationships only to continue to cheat.
  • They have plundered our lives, ravaged our self-esteem, burnt our love to ashes, and destroyed families for the sole purpose of self-gratification.
  • Our repeated pleas to change have been answered only by repeated injury.

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, and their actions in contempt and adjudicate responsibility upon them.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of Chumps, solemnly publish and declare, That we have the Right to be Free and Independent; and have full Power to stand up in courts, demand child support, counter their false narrative, and to do all other Acts and Things which bring peace and stability to our hearts, minds and families. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to support each other and provide council to those who have been newly chumped. To light the way toward the land of Meh.

Signed,

KibblesNBits

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Amen!

    This line really got me:

    They have plundered our lives, ravaged our self-esteem, burnt our love to ashes, and destroyed families for the sole purpose of self-gratification.

  • I had a dream yesterday morning about my FW XW. It’s the first in at least a few years that I’ve had about her (not since the first year after D-day, I believe).

    She was acting like she was frustrated w/me and my lack of complete happiness that she was back w/me and our strange dream family. I seemed to be just pissed off. And the more the dream went on, the angrier I got about her being around me. For the first time that I can ever recall, I seemed to have some control of my dream self, and kept saying in my dream to her that, no, I was not happy she was back w/me, and no, I was not going to stick around for her bullshit again! The only thing that could have made me feel more empowered was if she had offered me sex, too, and I had refused that as well. It wasn’t on the menu, though (maybe that was just a bridge too far for my brain to imagine her offering? Who knows?😂).

    So, my rebelliousness towards her was expressed via my dream self (again, first time that’s ever happened, and that I felt some control over a dream) on the actual Fourth of July. I guess my brain/heart/soul really needed to express how it wants independence from her, even if her dream representation was giving me what the old me might have wanted from her in the early days/months following D-day. [I’m a few months over four years out from D-day, and a few months over two years since our divorce was finalized (which of course, I had to initiate).🙄]

    I guess that was my brain/heart/soul expressing my need for independence from her, no matter what? Whatever that was, I’ll take it! I think it was brought on by seeing my my brother’s wife over the weekend, who helped support me after D-day. I haven’t seen her since pre-Covid days, i.e., since Thanksgiving of 2019.

    So, here’s to independence from the fuckwits who abandoned us and our sincere love of them, frequently blowing families apart in the name of “twu wuv.” I know my FW XW did. Good riddance, you narcissistic, morally bankrupt, character-deficient assholes. We don’t need you or your lowlife AP’s in our lives (the same attributes as our fuckwits can be applied to many of them. Again, I know can for my FW XW’s AP, aka, soon to be husband number two. As if that matters when neither of you have any respect for the institution of marriage).

    So, go fuck off (that is, it seems, what you do best anyway. Losers)! We’re all learning to really enjoy our freedom from you.

    Anyway, happy Independence Day (observed) everybody! We’re SO much better off without those fuckers. And for all you newbies, start learning to trust that that’s true. Trust that they suck, and that you will actually be better without them. Breaking free of their hold on us is not easy, but it’s so worth it long-term. Best wishes to all of you and your families. You’ve/we’ve got this.

    • “We’re all learning to really enjoy our freedom from you.”
      “We’re SO much better off without those fuckers….Trust that they suck, and that you will actually be better without them. Breaking free of their hold on us is not easy, but it’s so worth it long-term.”

      Hear, hear!

      Yesterday I was thinking that this was the first 4th of July since I left my now-ex that I can honestly say that I am unconditionally happy that he is no longer in my life. (This is my fourth 4th of July since moving out, my third since the divorce was final.)

      I think I may even be reclaiming some of the happy memories I have of the early years of our marriage, and when our son was young, without their being tainted by my ex’s later actions. There was a time when my entire past felt compromised, and I wondered where he really ever loved me–or is capable of it–but now I can look back on myself at that time. My enjoyment was real and my happiness genuine. And whatever he was thinking or feeling is not mine to worry about now.

      And, thelongrun, congratulations on that step toward “lucid dreaming,” the ability to reach down into your dreaming self and alter the course of a dream to keep it from veering into dangerous territory and reflect your changed consciousness. I’ve also experienced that, and it is so empowering!

      • Adelante and thelongrun,

        Your stories are so inspiring!!

        I’m not much of a joiner, and I never signed up to be in the Chump Club (none of us did, of course), but I have to say that I’m proud to be in the company of so many wonderful people.

        Thanks to all!

    • Hey longrun, I used to have invasive waking dreams about rewriting my reactions to my Fucktard EW. What I should have said and done. I think it was just a symptom of her abuse. That’s long gone now for me. I’m glad for you that your dream felt empowering. Like you, I had to initiate the divorce. That’s when I started feeling empowered.

      My first Dday was eleven years ago, July fourth. I only thought of it this morning reading CL. Last night I had a great time with family and friends. FW EW didn’t enter my mind. Life is so good now. And this morning my wonderful ex chump wife and I are enjoying coffee in bed and talking about how wonderful our lives are together.

  • I had forgotten this one. It’s a brilliant declaration. New chumps (and older ones still in recovery) should put this in their file of “chump advice to remember.”

    • Filed pro se in April 2016, 5 years ago
      I remember I went to the mailbox on July 4 to get the mail
      And there it was, my divorce, signed but the judge three days previously
      My ex did not want the divorce but had signed it
      When he got the paperwork, he cried
      I did too, but with joy, my Independence Day felt sweet
      I did the right thing after 2 years of utter bullshit
      Cheating, Blaming, gaslighting, lying
      He had done the same to his previous family.
      I see the Fourth as a GREAT DECISION that I made and am still happy about!!!!!
      Freedom feels SOOOOOOOO Good!!
      Xoxo

  • First July 4th since divorce finalized, third since D day(s) and separation. I spent the holiday with a couple women friends (lunch on my deck) after a productive week filled with projects and time with sibling, former co-workers and others.

    BUT, during the community fireworks I found myself worried about the pets (cats) I left behind in the marital home. I envisioned them shaking under the bed while ex was at AP’s shore home. This was a man who carried aging pets into our bed or slept on the floor with a recovering pet.

    I can’t control what he does and will not break no contact. That’s as close as I can get to freedom.

    • We are going through that now.

      Our poor dog. We are tranquilizing him, or he would likely have a heart attack. I wouldn’t mind as much, but around here they shoot off fireworks all weeks (even though code is against it) They don’t care, they figure the police do not have time to mess with fireworks and they are right.

  • This post makes me regret not dumping his shit in the harbor!!! I missed an opportunity there.

    I am celebrating my freedom from fuckwits today. The air is sweet and free of cheater stink. I’m declaring my independence. Down with Tyrants.

  • When I FINALLY got my divorce from FW I felt relieved I was no longer responsible for him and his f…kkups! When the paperwork went through for me to buy him out the house and I took his key off him (he was crying!!!) it felt wonderful. When he skidaddled back to the US, ostensibly to buy a house with Schmoopie but in reality because he knew the French would NEVER give him his driving licence back – well THAT’S when I realized I would never accidentally bump into him in town and I was finally FUCKWIT-FREE!!! The sweetest feeling in the world!

  • Not feeling it today. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss FW in the slightest. I just don’t feel free of him. It’s four years out, but he left a legacy of mindfuckery to our kids (high school & college age), and I’m still dealing with that very serious fallout. He takes no responsibility, of course, and simply writes my daughter’s problems off as “self-pity” and thinks my son is just a “f*ck up.”

    How do I free myself from someone who so damaged my kids that, every time one of their issues comes up (and they’re serious ones), I burn with unmitigated anger and hatred all over again?

      • CQ …. I hear you and experienced this exact scenario many times. It’s been 6.5 years for me. My children bear the scars of trauma, including more recent abuse by XH. I still and will always feel outraged in their defense and sick at heart that I chose him as a partner. But, I wouldn’t want any other kids and I can be the sane loving reliable parent, which I am. Their lives are mostly very good all things considered.

        Time does heal.

        Xxxooo

    • Yes, one of mine has issues because of the ex. In some ways there’s progress, and some not. I never told him the depths of where she was emotionally because she was no longer a minor after he left. I doubt that he would have owned any of it. She a lot of therapy and lost some ground with the pandemic. She’s resisting going back. So hard!

      • I’m sorry Elsie. I will never understand how they live without a speck of guilt.

        I’m trying to get my son (20) back in therapy, and he’s resisting also.

        We’ll keep trying though. Maybe we have enough love to make up for some of their loss?

        Hugs to you.

        • Yes, getting a twenty-something to do anything is hard.

          I’ve had so much therapy, coaching, support group, and 12-step group work that I feel like I’m just polishing things up at this point, but it was needed. She still has some hard work to do.

    • Maybe you can’t, and eventually need to make peace with that. When my son was young, his father, my ex, promised him a car when he was ready to drive. My son held onto that as a sign his father really loved him. When the time came, my ex asked for donations to buy a car for my son, then kept the donations, and my son was devastated. I will never forgive him, and never not be filled with hate and anger over that. The only good thing I can tell you is that the pilot light gets turned down to very low: the hate and anger get muted. I am totally at meh for what he did to me, and will never, ever get over what he did to my son. I think that just makes us like most sane parents.

      In related news, my ex was hit by a karma 747. Everyone sees him now for what he is, and his life is little, miserable, shallow and lonely.

      • I’m so glad for you and your son that karma got him! I imagine it doesn’t ease the pain, but it must feel good to see a little justice.

        I do feel more at peace as time goes by, but I will never be at peace with how he’s treated our children. Maybe if he showed some scintilla of remorse and actually changed his behavior. Outside of that, my heart will always hold him accountable for the (ongoing) damage.

    • Dear ChumpQueen, I don’t know if this may help, but you never know…

      I grew up in a family with a narcissistic mother (although maybe not the full spectrum) and a chump father. Even though my mom did not cheat, her rages and blindness for who I was wounded me, and my father – sweet person all the way – never got this, blinded by love. I was lucky to have one sane parent, but this sane parent unfortunately did not see the consequences of his raging spouse. What I’m trying to say is: you do see this. You are aware of the impact of such a parent and of course this is an unjust reality. But it allows you to act in a way that can enormously help your children. For that, I would have so much loved to have a parent like you.

      (((hug)))

    • They are old enough to decide for themselves that their uncaring FW so-called father shouldn’t be in their lives. He shouldn’t have the opportunity to cruelly dismiss their problems and make them feel even worse. Maybe you should have a serious talk with them about this as an option, perhaps with a good therapist involved to help. They may not even realize they are entitled to make the choice to not see him or talk to him again. If an emotionally abusive parent stays in their lives they won’t be able to heal, so neither will you.
      I’m so sorry he’s such a bastard to the kids. That’s even more heartbreaking than FWs being bastards to their spouses.

    • Both my kids have had to work it out on their own as they have developed into adults and their journeys have been different. Near the end of college, my daughter asked me to pay for therapy and not tell her dad. She didn’t want to have to explain to him what she wanted to work on. It wasn’t just him but he was a big part of it and she shared lots of the tools and perspectives she found helpful. She has been able to verbalize how difficult it is to accept what her father is and how he behaves. It has been a challenge to let go of the idea of how a father ‘should’ be and deal with what he actually is. Not as bad as some of the father’s I read on here but a rage-inducing FW all the same.
      My son is reaching that age and he has a different perspective. It is harder for him to see it but he talks to me and to his sister a lot – therapy was a bit of a bust in that regard. I don’t think he was fully candid with the therapist but it is hard to bring us that which you don’t see. So when his father calls him a loser with no skills, he thinks the problem is that he is a loser with no skills and not that his father said something that was A) wildly untrue and B) what only an asshole would say to their kid. But he is coming around. He is able to criticize his dad’s behavior without feeling like he is rejecting his father outright – this took a while. I have been very careful with my words about saying things. For example, rather than say “you sound just like your dad and we all know he is a jerk”, I’ll say something like “don’t fall into the trap of thinking XYZ ” without ever mentioning his father. He connects the dots but he doesn’t have to badmouth the father he loves while being able to distance himself from becoming like him. Perhaps this is not a concern of your son but something to consider. I find we are able to have frank conversations because it is not dad-bashing but rather a focus on the type of person he wants to be.
      I hope this is helpful and as I read it, it may seem like this was easy. It was not – it took so much patience and I didn’t always get it right.
      It’s a long game in this regard and a tough one. But remember, you are the sane parent and that is enough. CL has hit the nail on the head with that one.

      • Wow, teaching them these subtleties (behavior oriented vs personal) is so valuable. I had to find out all that for myself at an adult age. I guess independent chumps make probably the most conscious of parents. That certainly deserves to be celebrated.

  • The Fourth of July is still bittersweet for me. I am 150% on board with divorcing whoever he is, but sad because my dream of the marriage and family I thought I had turned out to be a mirage.

    On the Fourth of July before DDay, which was October of 2017, we had been in Boston, where I am from originally. We had started a tradition of going back for the 4th and I remember that year we were all laughing hysterically about something on the drive back from the fireworks. Now that I know he was living a secret double life at that time, it is a sad, painful, confounding memory instead of a sweet wonderful memory. Crapped on and ruined just like all the family memories.

    That said, my daughter and I will be OK.
    She struggles with how to reconcile who she thought he was and what she has found out about him, just like I do. And that alone makes him and whoever he was fucking forever bottom feeders in the hierarchy of humans.

    We watched Knives Out again last night. I’ve never seen the end because I fell asleep last time we watched it. I’m glad I stayed awake because Daniel Craig tells the family nurse “You won by being who you are. You’re a good person.” (Paraphrasing here….I’ll look up the quote).

    That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear and everyone here, if you kept your vows, needs to remember on Independence Day.

    • “Benoit Blanc: [to Marta] I want you to know that you didn’t win the game by playing it Harlan’s way, you won it by playing it your way. Because you have a good heart.“

      Cheaters are not winners. They didn’t win anything. They didn’t get away with anything. It doesn’t matter what they think or what they say. Their behavior, which can’t be denied or expunged, is that of losers.

        • I wish more chumps had this cinematic ending in their lives-financial compensation for all the pain and suffering.

          The British crime series “Unforgotten” season 3 did a stellar job of depicting a true psychopath. Dr. Tim Finch abuses his first wife Derran behind closed doors and convinces their daughters Claire and Emma that their mum is crazy. He marries wife number two Carol and tells her the same story. Guess who turns out to be a serial rapist and murderer ? The daughters come around and make amends with their mother.

    • “Crapped on and ruined just like all the family memories.”

      Even after all these years, I have deleted so many memories. I just concentrate on memories with my son. If he is in any of them, it is only a shadow in the background. Once they destroy them, there is no going back. At least not for me. Especially since my ex told me he had been “dating” for ten years, which was half our marriage. I think he lied, I think he likely was cheating through out all our marriage. Even if he was not cheating off and on, given that I am certain he cheated early in our marriage, then by his own admission the last ten years of a 20 year marriage, well that pretty much says it all.

      I overlooked the early cheating as I figured he was young, and would mature. And honestly he seemed to, and even started going to church and he really spent a lot of time with our son and with me. I guess my picture would be right by the word Chump in the dictionary.

    • Oh VH I feel this so much! Not 4th July per se but the crapped on memories. So many celebrations. So many holidays. So many everyday mundane shit we’d be laughing about!! So many times I’ve stopped dead in my tracks at a memory that drifts in and felt my stomach be ripped from me. I have a way to go, I know. I tend not to live in regret but I sure wish I could take back my 34 years of wasted investment.. Hugs to you and everyone here in the club none of us wanted to join ❤️

      • “So many times I’ve stopped dead in my tracks at a memory that drifts in and felt my stomach be ripped from me.”

        Same. Just yesterday I realized he bought that sports car in early 2018 not because he wanted one to go to and from work, as he falsely claimed, but rather that he wanted a sexy vehicle for dating.

        He still used the SUV (for fishing and cargo-area fucking), which is why he kept that one area so clean.

        These memories stab me. Just when you think you’ve dealt with all the crappy memories, one pops up unexpectedly. It’s awful.

    • “Is is a sad, painful confounding memory” that is one of the hard things to grapple with. All the memories which we thought was one way was actually laced with cheating, it so hard.

      Maybe that’s part of why holidays are so hard. My stbx would fuck around all the time and near holidays hoover like a mad man. Then just like a switch, after he did the “family man” thing for a day he was done and checked out. I just thought he was incredibly selfish, not a cheater. But alas he is an incredibly selfish cheater and the memories now are more reflective of reality.

      Trying to figure

    • I know what you mean about the memories, VH. Tomorrow would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. I no longer even have good memories left from all those years. I don’t know what was real, or if any of it was.
      What they do to their children’s formerly happy memories is even worse.

  • I am celebrating the 4th of July as it truly is my freedom day (I’m in the UK so it’s overlooked here). My DDay was a year ago on 4th July. To celebrate this year I had an Hawaiin themed bbq with my children and grandchildren. Best times ❤️

    Still in the divorce grinder but his ridiculous asks now make me laugh rather than cry!! I see my Tuesday 💪🏽👌🏼🎉

  • Discovery Day for me was … you guessed it, July 4th. I’m Canadian so not quite the perfect fit but I am so happy I discovered her cheating ways.

    It’s been a year and getting easier. Thanks to CN for letting me know I’m not alone.

  • It’s okay not to be feeling it today or any day. Part of freedom is feeling what you feel when you feel it without guilt or apology.

    The ex whose destruction I am left to cope with was and is similarly horrid in every respect.

    Around Christmas, he contacted my adult kids (one in college, one graduated and struggling with adulthood) to let them know that his partner in infidelity is pregnant. Yup—still messing with holidays long after leaving.

    Since that announcement, they have dealt with an ongoing series of related and equally damaging texts from the idiot: updates on genetic testing concerns, an invitation to the online gender reveal party (they both declined and pointed out that gender is a social construct, because I raised them right), an announcement that the sex is female and the name will be virtually identical to my daughter’s (one letter difference), and an invitation to the shotgun wedding in the backyard of cheater manor, followed most recently by the text about how disappointed he was that they did not attend—it was just the bride (8 months along), the groom (who will be 65 when this kid enters kindergarten), the officiant, and (but of course) the photographer.

    Next up will be the birth, the fancy image-management wedding, which is sure to be lavish, and the insanity of a half sibling two and nearly three decades younger than son and daughter version 1.0.

    It would all be crazy even if he weren’t an opportunistic sexual predator who absolutely cannot be left alone with any child—not even his own—or with any vulnerable person. With that fact added in, the whole is excruciating for them, and guess who gets to guide them though the mess and the ongoing efforts toward healing?

    In a scenario like that, the ex can feel like a relentlessly evil presence.

    But here’s the thing. These adult kids choose this little family—me, them, dog, cat, our house, our history, the memories we keep making our future—again and again. We care for each other, talk tough things out, celebrate each other, and keep on going.

    In the midst of this mess—and that includes ongoing court, because of course the ex is not a fan of abiding by the settlement agreement he quite freely signed—these kids have made me feel like the best mom ever, even when I have felt like I’m inches from a complete meltdown.

    And this little thing we have here—real love and a real family that is nothing at all like a glossy magazine—is exactly the thing he never understood and will never have. It can’t be purchased or coerced. It isn’t for show. It’s everything that matters, but nothing that can be photographed for Facebook or Instagram.

    Plus, it’s the result of the real work of parenting, including choosing kids over self, having tough conversations instead of another beer or another fling, giving them time and presence, and not envisioning them as trophies.

    Some days, it’s a lot. But when my kids seriously thank me for being an actual and ordinary mom—when they are sincerely grateful that, at nearly 60, I’m all about teaching, gardening, reading, traveling, puttering around the house, planning assorted celebrations and escapades for our key moments, being the stable and predictable mom they’ve always known even as I change, age, and evolve—then I’m reminded of how closely our kids always watch, listen, and learn from us.

    I taught them (and tried but failed to teach the ex) that of course life is imperfect, people flawed, journeys bumpy and chock full of unexpected twists and turns, but that love, beauty, laughter, miracles, and awe are woven all through that. Now, they give those lessons back to me, right when I need them most.

    Ex was the sort who could not, for instance, bathe a baby, because that undertaking is a glorious mess, but he could only see the mess. Yes, it means wet floor, wet jeans, messy hair, damp towels, tub toys everywhere, and a bathroom unlikely to be featured in a real estate ad, but it also means giggling baby, freshly washed baby’s head against your cheek, warm jammies and rocking chair snuggles, and contented baby sleeping. The mess and the loveliness are all of a piece.

    And so it goes! Yes, we’re slogging through, still, the destruction that ex will ever leave in his wake, but we’re also sitting quietly around our backyard fire, watching the lightning bugs flash. Only a heart capable of heaviness can be lightened, brightened, blown away by the beauty of that. When those heart-sinking moments come, remember that.

    • Cashmere: This literally made me cry. Your FW sounds like he could be related to mine. Careless, selfish, black hole of a person. I’m so sorry your family has to cope with that too. But thank you for making me feel a little better today!

    • Share of the Day. Share of the Year.

      This is a keeper, Cashmere.

      Nothing feels as good as integrity, something adultery mates will never have.

      Many thanks for this.

      XXOO

  • I met my loser ex at a 4th of July 10k. He proposed to me there and ever year would wish me happy anniversary. We did that race together every year for 10 years.

    He would also wish me happy anniversary every month and remembered dates for all kinds of events.

    Sounds romantic, right?

    Except that it was phony. He had an ex gf on the side the entire time and very little about him was genuine. He even admitted later that he didn’t care about any of that, he just thought it was important. It was all part of his image management of being seen as a nice guy.

    I threw away every t-shirt from that stupid race. I have plenty of other race shirts.. I’m a lot faster then him too which unbeknownst to me really upset poor baby’s ego….probably one reason his chubby whore made him feel better about himself.

    My awesome bf and I almost went this year but decided not to spend the money. I was going to make sure ex saw me kiss bf (ex didn’t want a divorce…he just wanted to keep his trash on the side and me for image management…my paycheck probably helped too) .

    Would that have been petty of me? It wasn’t worth the race fees though.

    LOL.

    • Kim – I don’t think it would have been petty. That urge for revenge is normal when you’ve been so betrayed. But what I think is really cool is the fact that you didn’t bother because you didn’t want to pay the fee.

      THAT is freedom, girl! You’re not trapped in grief and revenge fantasies. If you were, no fee would be too much for a taste of vengeance. Congratulations on being mighty, not petty!

  • 3 years since D-Day, still in middle of divorce and still experiencing a lot of “first times”. However it is more and more the first time that me and my tiny family, two young kids and a cat, get to live through holidays and special occasions with unbridled joy, untainted by the presence of the brooding, moping FW who couldn’t stand that everything wasn’t about him, without walking on eggshells because nothing wasn’t ever perfect enough. We’re free of making new memories, and enjoy each other’s company!

    Happy 4th to all chumps!

  • Free from the nagging sense that things were not ok. Free finally from my own denial and confusion and spackling. Free from feeling accountable for x choices. Free from the consequences of x choices.
    Free from x chaos and gaslighting and the subtle disapproval always and in every circumstance.
    Free from trying to placate a spoiled adult toddler.

    Free to be me and figure out who I am; what I want and the freedom to act on my own agency.

    For years upon years I neglected my knowing in order to make the relationship work, no matter how unbalanced. Free from that.

    Today I went to the beach with loved ones. It was sublime and easy and mundane and superb. I got a tan and swam in mama ocean with the sea green and deep blue and storm clouds and now I have sea hair, just the way I like it.

    Ate homemade vegetarian bolognese over pasta for dinner on the couch in my comfiest. I lost 14 pounds and they fit me well. And I am free to like my body.

    I am free to partake. I breathe it in.

    LACGAL

  • I am free from the mind-fuck of being gas-lighted…

    free from worry about thousands of dollars of “recklessly spent monies”…

    free from caring about his “spreading false witness” against me…

    free from being disgusted by repeated urination in my laundry room sink (despite my pleas and his promises to stop it)…

    free from being grossed out by pizza boxes with chunks of cheese inside tossed on the garage floor (right next to the garbage can, and more inviting to mice by being on the floor)…

    free from his verbal abuse…

    free from the lying and cheating and conning.

    Fond memories of the early years, when I thought I was loved, kept me stuck for awhile but after he trampled on my trust a second time and his behavior became more crude and unhinged, I knew that it was time to be “Free and Independent,” in order to “bring peace and stability” to my heart.

  • That is wonderful!! So true, of ALL cheaters. I’m “lucky” enough right now to have a good friend whose cheater asshat was discovered about 6 months ago and I can see what he is doing without the rise colored glasses I had on with my cheater ex. My friend is shocked when I can tell her pretty much what the asshole will say or do next. He’s out of the house, not by choice, so his behavior is much more extreme but still pretty predictable. Through some kind of fluke she is able to see his emails or texts or something, and he has totally derailed. Drinking, drugs, multiple girlfriends, etc. He’s living the dream, lol. So appealing in a 60 something year old man. But he lies and lovebombs like crazy, and that’s all it takes to get these desperate ow to drop their panties.

  • These creeps are self-medicating with strange pussy.

    So many women who fall for lovebombing have been raised not to recognize it for what it is.

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