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I Need You Like A….?

Today’s Friday Challenge is a riff on yesterday’s UBT topic, the sad sausage lament, “I needed you.”

UXworld commented:

“I need you” line I couldn’t help but flash on The Honeybees from that episode of Gilligan’s Island:

I need you, I need you
Like a camel needs a hump
Like a city needs a dump
Like a fuckwit needs a chump
I need you

Imagine our fuckwits all in a line doing this . . .

And so a Friday Challenge was born — tell CN in lyric form, how you need them.

Like a Labrador needs mange, like a groupie needs strange…

… Like a genus needs a species, like a Houston beach needs feces… you need them.

Your turn. Everyone sing along!


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I need you, I need you,
    like garlic needs sulfur,
    Like virgin needs impure,
    Like disease needs a cure,
    I need you!

  • I need you, I need you,
    Like my gouda needs a mouse
    Like the call coming from inside the house
    Like a filthy cheating louse (or spouse)
    I need you!

    • I need you

      like a pustule needs an ass

      like a schmoopie needs some class

      I need you

      like peacetime needs a war

      like a DOCTOR needs a whore

      I need you

      NOT Like our kids needed a dad

      NOT like a marriage needed a cad

      I need you

      like the test for STD’s

      like a husband with disease

      I need you

  • I need you, I need you
    Like a head needs a bullet
    Like a person needs to breathe cyanide
    Like a virus needs to spread

    I need you..

    I know dark….

  • I need you.
    Like a pile of shit needs flies.
    Like a narcissist needs to aggrandize.
    Like a wife who needs more lies.
    I need you.

  • Or
    Like the ocean needs more plastic
    Like my ulcer needs more gastric
    Like head cheese needs more aspic
    I need you!

      • Thanks, you guys. It was the worst thing I could think of at the moment. Head cheese, not aspic.

        • I learned 2 new things today, head cheese and aspic, and I am not even out of bed yet!!

          • While abroad, I ate head cheese. I would have thought it was a nice pate, but I saw how it was made.

            I need you,

            like head cheese needs a head

            like pate needs a spread

            I need you,

            like you needed to get more head

            while wishing I was dead

            (Guess I got a bit morbid. Oh well, it’s FRIDAY!)

    • ???? so I’m in UK and was totally confused as head cheese bought up a completely different image for me – look at the urban dictionary

      We call the meat product brawn ????

  • I need my ex wife like I need to lose anymore inches on my cock.

  • I need you
    Like a clean car needs a bird
    Like a toilet needs a turd
    Like nails on a chalkboard need to be heard
    I need youuuuuu

    • I like this. I got to

      Like a toilet for a ghost
      Like a vegan needs a roast

      and then I needed to go to work and didn’t finish

  • I need you, I need you
    Like a mouse needs a snake
    Like a vampire needs a stake
    Like a city needs an earthquake
    I need you

  • Am re-posting yesterday’s offering…

    I need you. I neeeed you…

    Like a pimple needs an ass.
    Like a Pretender needs some brass,
    ‘Cause my escape car needs some gas!

    See? You need me, too!!

  • I need you, I need you,
    Like an egg fart needs to linger
    Like Little Debbie need a Zinger
    Like a booger needs a finger
    I need you!

  • ‘Need’ is one of those words that starts to look weird when you see it too often. Neeeeeeeeeeeeed. I need sleep myself, but Missoula is too hot, and now getting too smoky. This is more fun than sleep anyway. I’ll keep telling myself.

  • I need you like a hole in the head,
    like a mistress in my bed,
    like a porn habit that’s overfed,
    like a bank account that’s been bled.
    That chump is dead.

  • I need you, I need you,
    Like my tooth needs cavity
    Like a sleeping body needs to get up to pee
    Like picking your nose I need to see
    I need you!

  • I need you, I need you,
    Like Matoff needs A Pyramid
    Like Tighty Whities Need A Skid
    Like Lecter’s Pro Quo needs a Quid
    I need you!

  • I need you, I need you:
    Like the world needs a plague ~
    Like my colon needs a bag ~
    Like my throat … needs to GAG!

    I don’t need you!!!

  • “Like Lecter’s Pro Quo needs a Quid”
    Wonderful, NC2U!

    And on that note:

    I need you, I need you,
    Like those lambs need to keep screaming,
    Those kids on Elm Street need to keep dreaming,
    And the masses need to keep teeming,
    I need you!

    • I need you! I need you!

      Like a crab needs a bike!

      Like the crabs (you spread) need a hike!

      I need you!

      Like a walk needs a pier!

      Like abandonment needs a New Year!

      I need you!

  • You need me! You need me!

    For your cheating game to work!
    She’s a whore! You’re a jerk!

    You need me!

  • You need me! You need me!

    Like a hookup needs an app!
    Like the clap needs a PAP!

    You need me!

    Like my head needs a hole!
    Like a void needs a soul!

    You need me!

    Like a phony needs a front!
    Like your limp d**k needs a c**t!

    You need me!

    You need me for your show
    Without me, all will know!

    You need me!

  • I need you, I need you
    Like a soup needs a fly,
    Like a frog needs a REALLY hot bath,
    Like my bank account needs overdraft,
    I need you…

  • I need you, I need you
    Like California needs a fire
    Like tempatures need to be higher
    Like Congress needs a new liar
    I need you

  • I need you! I need you!

    Like a ship needs a wreck!
    Like my bank needs your check!

    I need you!

  • I need you
    Like a kids needs a bully,
    Like your stories need more phony

    I need you!

  • I need you! I need you!

    Like a kidney needs a stone!
    I would rather be alone!
    I saw the printout from your phone!

    I need you!

  • I need you, I need you,
    Like My Scag-Ho needed some Strange
    Like Nasty Fluids she needed Exchanged
    Like Her Muff probs now has that fun Yeasty Mange

    I knead you!

    • ????????
      “I knead you” was funny, and all too believable, gross as it is.

  • You need me! You need me!

    Like a con man needs a mark
    Like a tank needs a shark
    Like a criminal….needs the dark!
    And Chump Lady needs to snaaaaaark!

    You need me!

  • WOWSER!!

    I am in wondrous awe of my fellow Citizens of ChumpNation! You all rock big time!

    Love to all as you Forge! more lyrics

  • And another:

    I need you
    Like your mistress needs a dime
    Like your life needs more time
    Like the world needs some crime
    I need you
    Like your ass needs a stick
    Like a hole needs your dick
    Like your whore needs a trick
    I need you


      We really truly need a “like” button!


    • “like your ass needs a stick”

      ???????? I’m dying laughing at work…

      spot on

  • You need me! You need me!

    Like a pony needs a show!
    Now I’m free! Watch me go!
    Now you’re stuck….with a hoooooooo!

    You need me!

  • You need us! You need us!

    Like a cover needs a pool!
    Like a cheater needs a fool!
    When your cover’s blown….Chumps rule!

    You need me!

  • You freed me! You freed me!

    Cause your Sole Mate needs a match!
    You are perfect for her snatch!
    You’re both dimwits….I’m the catch!

    You freed me!

    (tenkyu very much!)

  • You are probably going to regret getting me started…..sorry in advance.


    • Velvet, like several here, you’re on a roll.

      Good laughs this morning.

  • I need you

    I need you like my body needs a cancer
    Like a question with no answer
    Like I need to step in turd
    Like my esophagus needs GERD

    I need you like a finger needs a splinter
    Like frozen pipes in winter
    Like Nature loves a Void
    Like an asshole needs a hemorrhoid

    I need you

  • I need you, I need you.

    Like my toilet needs your stain
    Like my heart needs your pain
    Like my soul needs your lying brain

    You’ll never be sane
    I need to drop the rhyme
    You sicko piece of slime.
    I won’t give you any more precious time
    Or another dime

    You said you had an affair
    To avoid despair
    Enjoy living in your lair
    Without your wife who used to care

    Get out of my way
    It’s almost Tuesday

    (Props to all of you who are good at this!)

  • I need you

    I need you like a total loss of blood
    Like a carpet needs some mud
    Like a basement needs to flood
    Like some non-specific crud

    I need you like I need a broken heart
    Like my tire needs a dart
    Like a guest who won’t depart
    Like an elevator needs a fart

    I need you

  • You need me! You need me!

    You’re a scarecrow with no brain!
    Someone had to drive the train!
    Parasites are all the saaaaaaaame!

    You need me!

    I need you! I need you!

    Like a pair of concrete shoes!
    Like an anchor! Or a noose!
    Like a black eye, or a bruuuuuise!

    I need you!


  • I need you

    Like an ankle needs a sprain
    Like a migraine needs more pain
    Like a typhoon could use some rain

    I need you like a facial scar
    I need you like a broke down car
    I see you for the schmuck you are.

    I don’t need you
    or your bullshit
    in my life anymore

  • While we’re talking about NEED….

    Remember that a chump is a VERY necessary part of an affair. You’re the on the chessboard and without you the game doesn’t work. An affair is not between your partner and whoever….it’s a dysfunctional dynamic that is very much dependent on and involves the chump. That’s why the best (and most counterintuitive) and most powerful and apple-cart upsetting thing you can do is NO (or minimal) CONTACT.



    The winning move is WALK AWAY AND DON’T PLAY.

    The cheater will just find new players. Don’t let them use you for one.

    A chump is a

    Element of a
    Dysfunctional dynamic

    • Oh my God ! A “dysfunctional family” mobile ????

      • Yep! And we can extrapolate on that and make an affair mobile. Guess who the most important player is, revealed when they are taken out of the equation…..


      • To hang above a man baby’s/woman child’s crib

  • WOW! I am in awe of the all the snarky talent here. You all made my day! Thanks!

  • I need you I need you
    Like Washington needs more rain
    Like a new shirt needs a stain
    Like a broken heart needs more pain
    Like a caboose needs more train
    Like a fire needs more gas
    Like I need another POS stupid ass.

  • I need you I need you
    Like a narc needs to impress
    Like a cheater needs a mistress
    Like a howorker needs to undress
    Like a schmoopie needs to fuck on chump’s mattress
    Like a marriage police needs to obsess
    Like a spouse appliance needs more stress
    Like a divorce decree needs redress
    Like a Tuesday needs to could not care less
    I need you

  • I need you
    Like Walmart needs more schlock
    Like a sidedish poaches cock
    Like doomsday needs a clock
    I need you

    I need you
    Like your monkeys need a circus
    Like Frank Cotton’s mislaid epidermis
    Like Trump needs Secret Service
    I need you

    I need you
    Like COVID needs a cough
    Like porn zombies jerking off
    Like Detente needed Khrushchev
    I need you

  • Ladies AND Gentlemen, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
    Y’all made my day (I live in the South thus the y’all but I’m a Pittsburgh Yankee). I was getting a little down for just a bit and then I started reading this and I’m back to smiling and it feels so good.
    May you each have a much better weekend than anticipated. <3

  • I need you, I need you
    Like a pig needs some ham
    Like my toes need some jam
    Like my email needs its spam
    I need you!

    • Ahahaha! Pearshaped, you really have a knack for this! ????

      • Thanks, and back atcha! Here’s an off-topic one that’s been bugging me all day. I hope folks know what I’m referencing:

        Baa, Ram, Ewe
        Baa, Ram, Ewe
        Like a sheep dog needs a loss
        Like a wolf needs a toss
        Like a Babe needs a Boss
        Baa, Ram, Ewe!

        Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

  • I need you! I need you!

    Like Thor needs a half brother
    Like Snow White needs a stepmother
    Like pineapple and pizza need each other

    I need you!

  • Like Brittany Spears needs her fuckwit father.
    Like the world needs Esther Perel.
    Like my body needs an STD.
    Like my garden needs this drought.
    Like a dog needs a tick.
    Like you need to be true.

    Thanks for throwing us a (funny) bone, CL! And Ux!

  • I need you
    Like a bucket needs a hole
    (You just need a random ho)
    I need you
    Like a vegetarian needs meat
    (You just need to triangulate)
    I need you
    Like a fish needs a bicycle
    (You just need a willing receptacle)
    I need you
    Like an alcoholic needs whisky
    (You think I’ll miss you?!)
    I need you
    Like white knickers need a period
    (You need to pay the maintenance)
    I need you
    Like a diet needs a cookie
    (You’d better keep fooling schmoopie)

  • I need you …
    Like a cheater needs centrality
    Like a whore repels morality
    Like a chump who needs some clarity

  • “I Need You (Not)!”

    I need you, I need you
    Like a plane needs hijacking,
    Like Oklahoma needs more fracking,
    Like a heart needs heart-attacking,
    I need you

    I need you, I need you
    Like a tonsil needs a tumor,
    Like a goldfish needs a groomer,
    Like millennials need a boomer,
    I need you

    I need you, I need you
    Like fine wine needs slurping,
    Like making out needs burping,
    Like my life needs your derping,
    I need you

  • …..
    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like a balloon needs a pin,
    Like a tiger needs a fin,
    Like Ft. Knox could use some tin,
    I need you.

    You need me,
    You need me,
    Like a chess game needs a chump,
    Like the White House needs a rump,
    Like a city needs a dump,
    You need me.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like a moon rock needs some glitter,
    Like a goldfish needs cat litter,
    Like the Ark needed just one critter,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like a white dress needs a stain,
    Like an eagle needs a chain,
    Like an ocean needs a drain,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like a zebra needs some plaid,
    Like a Karen needs a Chad,
    Like your sausage needs its sad,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like sunlight needs a rake,
    Like my heart needs one more ache,
    Like the odds l’ll give you cake,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like my ointment needs the fly,
    You unzipped with schmoopie-pie,
    Or your texted FYI,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like a gas tank needs some sugar,
    Like our vows need you to schtup her,
    Like a close-up needs a booger,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like your ego needs its kibble,
    Like your limp d*ck needs its dribble,
    Like our Div. Decree needs your scribble,
    I need you.

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like your gas needs still more light,
    Like I need another fight,
    How ’bout you give my ass a bite!
    “I need you” !

    I need you,
    I need you,
    Like a Sherpa needs a fall,
    Like a Phoenix needs to crawl
    Like my “meh” ever needs your call,
    I don’t need you at *all*.

  • I need you
    Like a fisherman needs a hut
    Like a cheaterepants needs a slut
    Like some necks need to be cut…

    Whoops. Got a bit dark there. 😉

  • These are all so amazing! I want to praise them all individually but would get carpal tunnel from all that typing. You guys are great.

    • I need you?! I need you?!

      All your truth is a lie!
      And with every alibi
      Your lips move then your pants catch fiiiiiiiire!

      You need a LAWYER.

      AND some new pants. Lots of them.

  • My final offering: (I think)

    He needed me, He needed me,
    Like I needed to be an appliance
    Like he needed my self-reliance
    Like a hooker needs more clients
    He needed me.

  • I need you?! I need you?!

    Like a marriage needs a third?
    She’s a toilet! You’re a turd!
    My royal flush is the last woooooord!

    I need you?!

  • I need you! I need you!

    You are water! I am oil!
    I’m the frog! You’re the boil!
    And Chump Ladyyyyyyyy needs a foil!

    I need you!

    Thank you Chump Nation and Chump Lady. I needed to laugh today! And it looks like I have a few working brain cells and neural pathways left. Always good to run a test on the system.

    • I LOVE you, Velvet Hammer!!! Your posts are HILARIOUS and so fitting !!!! Hahahahaha

  • I need you like Tokyo needs Godzilla
    Like Rome needed Attila
    Like a bank needs a thief
    Like vegan needs some beef.

  • This was so funny, a big lift up in my day. I’ve been following
    CL for quite some time though rarely post. I was cheated on by my rebound bf/fiance. Thank goodness I didn’t marry the dude!

    But to see Ginger, Maryann, the skipper, the scientist just tugged at my heartstrings.

    Best to all


  • I need you, I need you

    Like a fish needs your hook
    Like a bank needs a crook
    Like a rabbit needs a cook

    You need me, you need me

    Like a cheater needs a chump
    Like your ass needs a thump
    Like the OW needs your junk

    I need you, I need you
    Like a roof needs a leak
    Like my feet need to reek
    Like my will needs to be weak

    I am strong, I am strong

    And I’m the one who’s getting along
    We all know you were in the wrong
    You’re bound to the OW all day long
    And to your family, you are long gone.

    You blew it up for a nurse at work
    You thought it was a physician’s perk
    You’re such a jerk!

    • “You thought it was a physician’s perk”

      I bet that’s literally true.
      Great work!

    • They are all good, but this one is my favorite so far.

      Especially the last part, I would have to change it to:

      “You blew it up for a whore at work
      You thought it was a Cop’s perk”

      You pounded your chest and roared
      Spent the rest of your life with a lazy whore

  • Like a fish needs a bike.
    Like a signer needs a mic.

    Like a cornfield needs a drought.
    Like a batter needs an out.

    Like an apple needs a worm.
    Like a shoulder needs sunburn.

    Like an ice cube needs hell.
    Like music needs cowbell.

    Like a pensioner needs a scam.
    Like a bathroom needs a cam.

    Like a laptop needs a virus.
    Like a printer needs papyrus.

    Like a polar bear needs summer.
    Like suburbanites need Hummers.

    Like a hairline needs to recede.
    Like a garden needs a weed.

    Like a trial needs a liar.
    Like a forest needs a fire.

    Like a beach needs snow.
    Like a mood needs a low.

    Like breath needs garlic.
    Like a letter needs scarlet.

  • I need you , I need you
    Like a lion needs a cage
    Like preschool teachers need rage
    Like the Honeybees need Mrs Howell
    Like Mickey Mouse needs a scowl
    Like coworkers need your dick
    Like a dog needs a tick
    I need you bzzzzzzz

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