I Need You Like A….?
Today’s Friday Challenge is a riff on yesterday’s UBT topic, the sad sausage lament, “I needed you.”
UXworld commented:
“I need you” line I couldn’t help but flash on The Honeybees from that episode of Gilligan’s Island:
I need you, I need you
Like a camel needs a hump
Like a city needs a dump
Like a fuckwit needs a chump
I need youImagine our fuckwits all in a line doing this . . .
And so a Friday Challenge was born — tell CN in lyric form, how you need them.
Like a Labrador needs mange, like a groupie needs strange…
… Like a genus needs a species, like a Houston beach needs feces… you need them.
Your turn. Everyone sing along!
TGIF!
I need you, I need you,
like garlic needs sulfur,
Like virgin needs impure,
Like disease needs a cure,
I need you!
I need you, I need you,
Like my gouda needs a mouse
Like the call coming from inside the house
Like a filthy cheating louse (or spouse)
I need you!
I need you
like a pustule needs an ass
like a schmoopie needs some class
I need you
like peacetime needs a war
like a DOCTOR needs a whore
I need you
NOT Like our kids needed a dad
NOT like a marriage needed a cad
I need you
like the test for STD’s
like a husband with disease
I need you
SPOT ON! I’m clapping.
I’m Still chuckling!
I need you, I need you
Like a head needs a bullet
Like a person needs to breathe cyanide
Like a virus needs to spread
I need you..
I know dark….
Love it
I need you.
Like a pile of shit needs flies.
Like a narcissist needs to aggrandize.
Like a wife who needs more lies.
I need you.
Or
Like the ocean needs more plastic
Like my ulcer needs more gastric
Like head cheese needs more aspic
I need you!
???? so I’m in UK and was totally confused as head cheese bought up a completely different image for me – look at the urban dictionary
We call the meat product brawn ????
????
Wow — “like head cheese needs more aspic”
#werenotworthy
Thanks, you guys. It was the worst thing I could think of at the moment. Head cheese, not aspic.
I learned 2 new things today, head cheese and aspic, and I am not even out of bed yet!!
I knew head cheese, but I had to google aspic. Good one!
While abroad, I ate head cheese. I would have thought it was a nice pate, but I saw how it was made.
I need you,
like head cheese needs a head
like pate needs a spread
I need you,
like you needed to get more head
while wishing I was dead
(Guess I got a bit morbid. Oh well, it’s FRIDAY!)
Aspic for the win.
I need my ex wife like I need to lose anymore inches on my cock.
ChumpyNoLove thank you for the morning laugh! ????
You’re more than welcome ????????
I need you
Like a clean car needs a bird
Like a toilet needs a turd
Like nails on a chalkboard need to be heard
I need youuuuuu
I like this. I got to
Like a toilet for a ghost
Like a vegan needs a roast
and then I needed to go to work and didn’t finish
“Like a clean car needs a bird”
The entire poem is great!
I need you, I need you
Like a mouse needs a snake
Like a vampire needs a stake
Like a city needs an earthquake
I need you
Am re-posting yesterday’s offering…
I need you. I neeeed you…
Like a pimple needs an ass.
Like a Pretender needs some brass,
‘Cause my escape car needs some gas!
See? You need me, too!!
I need you, I need you,
Like an egg fart needs to linger
Like Little Debbie need a Zinger
Like a booger needs a finger
I need you!
Omg still laughing ????
I need you, I need you
… nope, I got nothing…
‘Need’ is one of those words that starts to look weird when you see it too often. Neeeeeeeeeeeeed. I need sleep myself, but Missoula is too hot, and now getting too smoky. This is more fun than sleep anyway. I’ll keep telling myself.
I need you like a hole in the head,
like a mistress in my bed,
like a porn habit that’s overfed,
like a bank account that’s been bled.
That chump is dead.
Nice one!
I need you, I need you,
Like my tooth needs cavity
Like a sleeping body needs to get up to pee
Like picking your nose I need to see
I need you!
I need you, I need you,
Like Matoff needs A Pyramid
Like Tighty Whities Need A Skid
Like Lecter’s Pro Quo needs a Quid
I need you!
I need you, I need you:
Like the world needs a plague ~
Like my colon needs a bag ~
Like my throat … needs to GAG!
I don’t need you!!!
“Like Lecter’s Pro Quo needs a Quid”
Wonderful, NC2U!
And on that note:
I need you, I need you,
Like those lambs need to keep screaming,
Those kids on Elm Street need to keep dreaming,
And the masses need to keep teeming,
I need you!
I need you! I need you!
Like a crab needs a bike!
Like the crabs (you spread) need a hike!
I need you!
Like a walk needs a pier!
Like abandonment needs a New Year!
I need you!
You need me! You need me!
For your cheating game to work!
She’s a whore! You’re a jerk!
You need me!
You need me! You need me!
Like a hookup needs an app!
Like the clap needs a PAP!
You need me!
Like my head needs a hole!
Like a void needs a soul!
You need me!
Like a phony needs a front!
Like your limp d**k needs a c**t!
You need me!
You need me for your show
Without me, all will know!
You need me!
Amazing!!
I need you, I need you
Like a soup needs a fly,
Like a frog needs a REALLY hot bath,
Like my bank account needs overdraft,
I need you…
I need you, I need you
Like California needs a fire
Like tempatures need to be higher
Like Congress needs a new liar
I need you
Sorry – I just finished reading the Times…
>>Like Congress needs a new liar
Your poem is still on the money. 🙂
I need you! I need you!
Like a ship needs a wreck!
Like my bank needs your check!
I need you!
I need you
Like a kids needs a bully,
Like your stories need more phony
I need you!
I need you! I need you!
Like a kidney needs a stone!
I would rather be alone!
I saw the printout from your phone!
I need you!
Like a kidney needs a stone! ????
Exactly!
I need you, I need you,
Like My Scag-Ho needed some Strange
Like Nasty Fluids she needed Exchanged
Like Her Muff probs now has that fun Yeasty Mange
I knead you!
????????
“I knead you” was funny, and all too believable, gross as it is.
You need me! You need me!
Like a con man needs a mark
Like a tank needs a shark
Like a criminal….needs the dark!
And Chump Lady needs to snaaaaaark!
You need me!
I like this one.
WOWSER!!
I am in wondrous awe of my fellow Citizens of ChumpNation! You all rock big time!
Love to all as you Forge! more lyrics
And another:
I need you
Like your mistress needs a dime
Like your life needs more time
Like the world needs some crime
I need you
Like your ass needs a stick
Like a hole needs your dick
Like your whore needs a trick
I need you
Yeah
“like your ass needs a stick”
???????? I’m dying laughing at work…
spot on
CHUMPLADY
We really truly need a “like” button!
PLEASE!!
You need me! You need me!
Like a pony needs a show!
Now I’m free! Watch me go!
Now you’re stuck….with a hoooooooo!
You need me!
You need us! You need us!
Like a cover needs a pool!
Like a cheater needs a fool!
When your cover’s blown….Chumps rule!
You need me!
You freed me! You freed me!
Cause your Sole Mate needs a match!
You are perfect for her snatch!
You’re both dimwits….I’m the catch!
You freed me!
(tenkyu very much!)
Outstanding!!
You are probably going to regret getting me started…..sorry in advance.
????
Velvet, like several here, you’re on a roll.
Good laughs this morning.
I need you
I need you like my body needs a cancer
Like a question with no answer
Like I need to step in turd
Like my esophagus needs GERD
I need you like a finger needs a splinter
Like frozen pipes in winter
Like Nature loves a Void
Like an asshole needs a hemorrhoid
I need you
I need you, I need you.
Like my toilet needs your stain
Like my heart needs your pain
Like my soul needs your lying brain
You’ll never be sane
I need to drop the rhyme
You sicko piece of slime.
I won’t give you any more precious time
Or another dime
You said you had an affair
To avoid despair
Enjoy living in your lair
Without your wife who used to care
Get out of my way
It’s almost Tuesday
(Props to all of you who are good at this!)
I need you
I need you like a total loss of blood
Like a carpet needs some mud
Like a basement needs to flood
Like some non-specific crud
I need you like I need a broken heart
Like my tire needs a dart
Like a guest who won’t depart
Like an elevator needs a fart
I need you
like a non specific crud…
and an elevator needs a fart
Well done Youcantpolish a turd!
Thank you. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself and I am laughing too as it goes down on the page.
Hahaha Love it!!
You need me! You need me!
You’re a scarecrow with no brain!
Someone had to drive the train!
Parasites are all the saaaaaaaame!
You need me!
I need you! I need you!
Like a pair of concrete shoes!
Like an anchor! Or a noose!
Like a black eye, or a bruuuuuise!
I need you!
NOT.
better….
“Someone had to fly the plane”
????
hahahahahahaha
I need you
Like an ankle needs a sprain
Like a migraine needs more pain
Like a typhoon could use some rain
I need you like a facial scar
I need you like a broke down car
I see you for the schmuck you are.
I don’t need you
or your bullshit
in my life anymore
Shout it out loud youvantpolishaturd!
Like a henhouse needs a fox.
Like a sheep needs a wolf.
While we’re talking about NEED….
Remember that a chump is a VERY necessary part of an affair. You’re the on the chessboard and without you the game doesn’t work. An affair is not between your partner and whoever….it’s a dysfunctional dynamic that is very much dependent on and involves the chump. That’s why the best (and most counterintuitive) and most powerful and apple-cart upsetting thing you can do is NO (or minimal) CONTACT.
AFFAIRS ARE NOT RELATIONSHIPS.
THEY ARE GAMES
The winning move is WALK AWAY AND DON’T PLAY.
The cheater will just find new players. Don’t let them use you for one.
A chump is a
Necessary
Essential
Element of a
Dysfunctional dynamic
https://www.google.com/search?q=family+dynamics+mobile&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=insv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwifzf3EtdbxAhVG-p4KHUdwBkIQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=320&bih=527&dpr=3#imgrc=cXSsT0ihqNY8TM
Oh my God ! A “dysfunctional family” mobile ????
To hang above a man baby’s/woman child’s crib
Yep! And we can extrapolate on that and make an affair mobile. Guess who the most important player is, revealed when they are taken out of the equation…..
????
Velvet Hammer,
Please write a book.
WOW! I am in awe of the all the snarky talent here. You all made my day! Thanks!
I need you I need you
Like Washington needs more rain
Like a new shirt needs a stain
Like a broken heart needs more pain
Like a caboose needs more train
Like a fire needs more gas
Like I need another POS stupid ass.
I need you I need you
Like a narc needs to impress
Like a cheater needs a mistress
Like a howorker needs to undress
Like a schmoopie needs to fuck on chump’s mattress
Like a marriage police needs to obsess
Like a spouse appliance needs more stress
Like a divorce decree needs redress
Like a Tuesday needs to could not care less
I need you
I need you
Like Walmart needs more schlock
Like a sidedish poaches cock
Like doomsday needs a clock
I need you
I need you
Like your monkeys need a circus
Like Frank Cotton’s mislaid epidermis
Like Trump needs Secret Service
I need you
I need you
Like COVID needs a cough
Like porn zombies jerking off
Like Detente needed Khrushchev
I need you
SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. My. God. ????
Ladies AND Gentlemen, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Y’all made my day (I live in the South thus the y’all but I’m a Pittsburgh Yankee). I was getting a little down for just a bit and then I started reading this and I’m back to smiling and it feels so good.
May you each have a much better weekend than anticipated. <3
I need you, I need you
Like a pig needs some ham
Like my toes need some jam
Like my email needs its spam
I need you!
Ahahaha! Pearshaped, you really have a knack for this! ????
Thanks, and back atcha! Here’s an off-topic one that’s been bugging me all day. I hope folks know what I’m referencing:
Baa, Ram, Ewe
Baa, Ram, Ewe
Like a sheep dog needs a loss
Like a wolf needs a toss
Like a Babe needs a Boss
Baa, Ram, Ewe!
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
I need you! I need you!
Like Thor needs a half brother
Like Snow White needs a stepmother
Like pineapple and pizza need each other
I need you!
So good! (Also – watching Ragnarok?)
Thank you, fellow Hawaiian pizza hater!
Like Brittany Spears needs her fuckwit father.
Like the world needs Esther Perel.
Like my body needs an STD.
Like my garden needs this drought.
Like a dog needs a tick.
Like you need to be true.
Thanks for throwing us a (funny) bone, CL! And Ux!
#FreeBritney!
I need you
Like a bucket needs a hole
(You just need a random ho)
I need you
Like a vegetarian needs meat
(You just need to triangulate)
I need you
Like a fish needs a bicycle
(You just need a willing receptacle)
I need you
Like an alcoholic needs whisky
(You think I’ll miss you?!)
I need you
Like white knickers need a period
(You need to pay the maintenance)
I need you
Like a diet needs a cookie
(You’d better keep fooling schmoopie)
I need you …
Like a cheater needs centrality
Like a whore repels morality
Like a chump who needs some clarity
“I Need You (Not)!”
I need you, I need you
Like a plane needs hijacking,
Like Oklahoma needs more fracking,
Like a heart needs heart-attacking,
I need you
I need you, I need you
Like a tonsil needs a tumor,
Like a goldfish needs a groomer,
Like millennials need a boomer,
I need you
I need you, I need you
Like fine wine needs slurping,
Like making out needs burping,
Like my life needs your derping,
I need you
You had me at “goldfish needs a groomer “ (I’m laughing out loud in the quiet car of an Amtrak car ????)
Rhyming fracking/hijacking was primo.
“Ok, boomer” ref hilarious.
Awesome! Extra points should be awarded for using derp.