Today’s Friday Challenge is a riff on yesterday’s UBT topic, the sad sausage lament, “I needed you.”
UXworld commented:
“I need you” line I couldn’t help but flash on The Honeybees from that episode of Gilligan’s Island:
I need you, I need you
Like a camel needs a hump
Like a city needs a dump
Like a fuckwit needs a chump
I need youImagine our fuckwits all in a line doing this . . .
And so a Friday Challenge was born — tell CN in lyric form, how you need them.
Like a Labrador needs mange, like a groupie needs strange…
… Like a genus needs a species, like a Houston beach needs feces… you need them.
Your turn. Everyone sing along!
TGIF!
I need you, I need you,
like garlic needs sulfur,
Like virgin needs impure,
Like disease needs a cure,
I need you!
I need you, I need you,
Like my gouda needs a mouse
Like the call coming from inside the house
Like a filthy cheating louse (or spouse)
I need you!
I need you
like a pustule needs an ass
like a schmoopie needs some class
I need you
like peacetime needs a war
like a DOCTOR needs a whore
I need you
NOT Like our kids needed a dad
NOT like a marriage needed a cad
I need you
like the test for STD’s
like a husband with disease
I need you
I’m Still chuckling!
SPOT ON! I’m clapping.
I need you, I need you
Like a head needs a bullet
Like a person needs to breathe cyanide
Like a virus needs to spread
I need you..
I know dark….
Love it
I need you.
Like a pile of shit needs flies.
Like a narcissist needs to aggrandize.
Like a wife who needs more lies.
I need you.
Or
Like the ocean needs more plastic
Like my ulcer needs more gastric
Like head cheese needs more aspic
I need you!
Aspic for the win.
Wow — “like head cheese needs more aspic”
#werenotworthy
Thanks, you guys. It was the worst thing I could think of at the moment. Head cheese, not aspic.
I learned 2 new things today, head cheese and aspic, and I am not even out of bed yet!!
While abroad, I ate head cheese. I would have thought it was a nice pate, but I saw how it was made.
I need you,
like head cheese needs a head
like pate needs a spread
I need you,
like you needed to get more head
while wishing I was dead
(Guess I got a bit morbid. Oh well, it’s FRIDAY!)
I knew head cheese, but I had to google aspic. Good one!
????
???? so I’m in UK and was totally confused as head cheese bought up a completely different image for me – look at the urban dictionary
We call the meat product brawn ????
I need my ex wife like I need to lose anymore inches on my cock.
ChumpyNoLove thank you for the morning laugh! ????
You’re more than welcome ????????
I need you
Like a clean car needs a bird
Like a toilet needs a turd
Like nails on a chalkboard need to be heard
I need youuuuuu
“Like a clean car needs a bird”
The entire poem is great!
I like this. I got to
Like a toilet for a ghost
Like a vegan needs a roast
and then I needed to go to work and didn’t finish
I need you, I need you
Like a mouse needs a snake
Like a vampire needs a stake
Like a city needs an earthquake
I need you
Am re-posting yesterday’s offering…
I need you. I neeeed you…
Like a pimple needs an ass.
Like a Pretender needs some brass,
‘Cause my escape car needs some gas!
See? You need me, too!!
I need you, I need you,
Like an egg fart needs to linger
Like Little Debbie need a Zinger
Like a booger needs a finger
I need you!
Omg still laughing ????
I need you, I need you
… nope, I got nothing…
‘Need’ is one of those words that starts to look weird when you see it too often. Neeeeeeeeeeeeed. I need sleep myself, but Missoula is too hot, and now getting too smoky. This is more fun than sleep anyway. I’ll keep telling myself.
I need you like a hole in the head,
like a mistress in my bed,
like a porn habit that’s overfed,
like a bank account that’s been bled.
That chump is dead.
Nice one!
I need you, I need you,
Like my tooth needs cavity
Like a sleeping body needs to get up to pee
Like picking your nose I need to see
I need you!
I need you, I need you,
Like Matoff needs A Pyramid
Like Tighty Whities Need A Skid
Like Lecter’s Pro Quo needs a Quid
I need you!
I need you, I need you:
Like the world needs a plague ~
Like my colon needs a bag ~
Like my throat … needs to GAG!
I don’t need you!!!
“Like Lecter’s Pro Quo needs a Quid”
Wonderful, NC2U!
And on that note:
I need you, I need you,
Like those lambs need to keep screaming,
Those kids on Elm Street need to keep dreaming,
And the masses need to keep teeming,
I need you!
I need you! I need you!
Like a crab needs a bike!
Like the crabs (you spread) need a hike!
I need you!
Like a walk needs a pier!
Like abandonment needs a New Year!
I need you!
You need me! You need me!
For your cheating game to work!
She’s a whore! You’re a jerk!
You need me!
You need me! You need me!
Like a hookup needs an app!
Like the clap needs a PAP!
You need me!
Like my head needs a hole!
Like a void needs a soul!
You need me!
Like a phony needs a front!
Like your limp d**k needs a c**t!
You need me!
You need me for your show
Without me, all will know!
You need me!
Amazing!!
I need you, I need you
Like a soup needs a fly,
Like a frog needs a REALLY hot bath,
Like my bank account needs overdraft,
I need you…
I need you, I need you
Like California needs a fire
Like tempatures need to be higher
Like Congress needs a new liar
I need you
Sorry – I just finished reading the Times…
>>Like Congress needs a new liar
Your poem is still on the money. 🙂
I need you! I need you!
Like a ship needs a wreck!
Like my bank needs your check!
I need you!
I need you
Like a kids needs a bully,
Like your stories need more phony
I need you!
I need you! I need you!
Like a kidney needs a stone!
I would rather be alone!
I saw the printout from your phone!
I need you!
Like a kidney needs a stone! ????
Exactly!
I need you, I need you,
Like My Scag-Ho needed some Strange
Like Nasty Fluids she needed Exchanged
Like Her Muff probs now has that fun Yeasty Mange
I knead you!
????????
“I knead you” was funny, and all too believable, gross as it is.
You need me! You need me!
Like a con man needs a mark
Like a tank needs a shark
Like a criminal….needs the dark!
And Chump Lady needs to snaaaaaark!
You need me!
I like this one.
WOWSER!!
I am in wondrous awe of my fellow Citizens of ChumpNation! You all rock big time!
Love to all as you Forge! more lyrics
And another:
I need you
Like your mistress needs a dime
Like your life needs more time
Like the world needs some crime
I need you
Like your ass needs a stick
Like a hole needs your dick
Like your whore needs a trick
I need you
Yeah
CHUMPLADY
We really truly need a “like” button!
PLEASE!!
“like your ass needs a stick”
???????? I’m dying laughing at work…
spot on
You need me! You need me!
Like a pony needs a show!
Now I’m free! Watch me go!
Now you’re stuck….with a hoooooooo!
You need me!
You need us! You need us!
Like a cover needs a pool!
Like a cheater needs a fool!
When your cover’s blown….Chumps rule!
You need me!
You freed me! You freed me!
Cause your Sole Mate needs a match!
You are perfect for her snatch!
You’re both dimwits….I’m the catch!
You freed me!
(tenkyu very much!)
Outstanding!!
You are probably going to regret getting me started…..sorry in advance.
????
Velvet, like several here, you’re on a roll.
Good laughs this morning.
I need you
I need you like my body needs a cancer
Like a question with no answer
Like I need to step in turd
Like my esophagus needs GERD
I need you like a finger needs a splinter
Like frozen pipes in winter
Like Nature loves a Void
Like an asshole needs a hemorrhoid
I need you
I need you, I need you.
Like my toilet needs your stain
Like my heart needs your pain
Like my soul needs your lying brain
You’ll never be sane
I need to drop the rhyme
You sicko piece of slime.
I won’t give you any more precious time
Or another dime
You said you had an affair
To avoid despair
Enjoy living in your lair
Without your wife who used to care
Get out of my way
It’s almost Tuesday
(Props to all of you who are good at this!)
I need you
I need you like a total loss of blood
Like a carpet needs some mud
Like a basement needs to flood
Like some non-specific crud
I need you like I need a broken heart
Like my tire needs a dart
Like a guest who won’t depart
Like an elevator needs a fart
I need you
like a non specific crud…
and an elevator needs a fart
Well done Youcantpolish a turd!
Hahaha Love it!!
Thank you. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself and I am laughing too as it goes down on the page.
You need me! You need me!
You’re a scarecrow with no brain!
Someone had to drive the train!
Parasites are all the saaaaaaaame!
You need me!
I need you! I need you!
Like a pair of concrete shoes!
Like an anchor! Or a noose!
Like a black eye, or a bruuuuuise!
I need you!
NOT.
better….
“Someone had to fly the plane”
????
hahahahahahaha
I need you
Like an ankle needs a sprain
Like a migraine needs more pain
Like a typhoon could use some rain
I need you like a facial scar
I need you like a broke down car
I see you for the schmuck you are.
I don’t need you
or your bullshit
in my life anymore
Shout it out loud youvantpolishaturd!
Like a henhouse needs a fox.
Like a sheep needs a wolf.
While we’re talking about NEED….
Remember that a chump is a VERY necessary part of an affair. You’re the on the chessboard and without you the game doesn’t work. An affair is not between your partner and whoever….it’s a dysfunctional dynamic that is very much dependent on and involves the chump. That’s why the best (and most counterintuitive) and most powerful and apple-cart upsetting thing you can do is NO (or minimal) CONTACT.
AFFAIRS ARE NOT RELATIONSHIPS.
THEY ARE GAMES
The winning move is WALK AWAY AND DON’T PLAY.
The cheater will just find new players. Don’t let them use you for one.
A chump is a
Necessary
Essential
Element of a
Dysfunctional dynamic
https://www.google.com/search?q=family+dynamics+mobile&client=safari&hl=en-us&prmd=insv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwifzf3EtdbxAhVG-p4KHUdwBkIQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=320&bih=527&dpr=3#imgrc=cXSsT0ihqNY8TM
Oh my God ! A “dysfunctional family” mobile ????
Yep! And we can extrapolate on that and make an affair mobile. Guess who the most important player is, revealed when they are taken out of the equation…..
????
Velvet Hammer,
Please write a book.
To hang above a man baby’s/woman child’s crib
WOW! I am in awe of the all the snarky talent here. You all made my day! Thanks!
I need you I need you
Like Washington needs more rain
Like a new shirt needs a stain
Like a broken heart needs more pain
Like a caboose needs more train
Like a fire needs more gas
Like I need another POS stupid ass.
I need you I need you
Like a narc needs to impress
Like a cheater needs a mistress
Like a howorker needs to undress
Like a schmoopie needs to fuck on chump’s mattress
Like a marriage police needs to obsess
Like a spouse appliance needs more stress
Like a divorce decree needs redress
Like a Tuesday needs to could not care less
I need you
I need you
Like Walmart needs more schlock
Like a sidedish poaches cock
Like doomsday needs a clock
I need you
I need you
Like your monkeys need a circus
Like Frank Cotton’s mislaid epidermis
Like Trump needs Secret Service
I need you
I need you
Like COVID needs a cough
Like porn zombies jerking off
Like Detente needed Khrushchev
I need you
Oh. My. God. ????
SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies AND Gentlemen, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Y’all made my day (I live in the South thus the y’all but I’m a Pittsburgh Yankee). I was getting a little down for just a bit and then I started reading this and I’m back to smiling and it feels so good.
May you each have a much better weekend than anticipated. <3
I need you, I need you
Like a pig needs some ham
Like my toes need some jam
Like my email needs its spam
I need you!
Ahahaha! Pearshaped, you really have a knack for this! ????
Thanks, and back atcha! Here’s an off-topic one that’s been bugging me all day. I hope folks know what I’m referencing:
Baa, Ram, Ewe
Baa, Ram, Ewe
Like a sheep dog needs a loss
Like a wolf needs a toss
Like a Babe needs a Boss
Baa, Ram, Ewe!
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
I need you! I need you!
Like Thor needs a half brother
Like Snow White needs a stepmother
Like pineapple and pizza need each other
I need you!
Thank you, fellow Hawaiian pizza hater!
So good! (Also – watching Ragnarok?)
Like Brittany Spears needs her fuckwit father.
Like the world needs Esther Perel.
Like my body needs an STD.
Like my garden needs this drought.
Like a dog needs a tick.
Like you need to be true.
Thanks for throwing us a (funny) bone, CL! And Ux!
#FreeBritney!
I need you
Like a bucket needs a hole
(You just need a random ho)
I need you
Like a vegetarian needs meat
(You just need to triangulate)
I need you
Like a fish needs a bicycle
(You just need a willing receptacle)
I need you
Like an alcoholic needs whisky
(You think I’ll miss you?!)
I need you
Like white knickers need a period
(You need to pay the maintenance)
I need you
Like a diet needs a cookie
(You’d better keep fooling schmoopie)
I need you …
Like a cheater needs centrality
Like a whore repels morality
Like a chump who needs some clarity
“I Need You (Not)!”
I need you, I need you
Like a plane needs hijacking,
Like Oklahoma needs more fracking,
Like a heart needs heart-attacking,
I need you
I need you, I need you
Like a tonsil needs a tumor,
Like a goldfish needs a groomer,
Like millennials need a boomer,
I need you
I need you, I need you
Like fine wine needs slurping,
Like making out needs burping,
Like my life needs your derping,
I need you
Awesome! Extra points should be awarded for using derp.
“Ok, boomer” ref hilarious.
Rhyming fracking/hijacking was primo.
You had me at “goldfish needs a groomer “ (I’m laughing out loud in the quiet car of an Amtrak car ????)
…..
I need you,
I need you,
Like a balloon needs a pin,
Like a tiger needs a fin,
Like Ft. Knox could use some tin,
I need you.
You need me,
You need me,
Like a chess game needs a chump,
Like the White House needs a rump,
Like a city needs a dump,
You need me.
I need you,
I need you,
Like a moon rock needs some glitter,
Like a goldfish needs cat litter,
Like the Ark needed just one critter,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like a white dress needs a stain,
Like an eagle needs a chain,
Like an ocean needs a drain,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like a zebra needs some plaid,
Like a Karen needs a Chad,
Like your sausage needs its sad,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like sunlight needs a rake,
Like my heart needs one more ache,
Like the odds l’ll give you cake,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like my ointment needs the fly,
You unzipped with schmoopie-pie,
Or your texted FYI,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like a gas tank needs some sugar,
Like our vows need you to schtup her,
Like a close-up needs a booger,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like your ego needs its kibble,
Like your limp d*ck needs its dribble,
Like our Div. Decree needs your scribble,
I need you.
I need you,
I need you,
Like your gas needs still more light,
Like I need another fight,
How ’bout you give my ass a bite!
“I need you” !
I need you,
I need you,
Like a Sherpa needs a fall,
Like a Phoenix needs to crawl
Like my “meh” ever needs your call,
I don’t need you at *all*.
…..
EPIC! ???? ????
I need you
Like a fisherman needs a hut
Like a cheaterepants needs a slut
Like some necks need to be cut…
Whoops. Got a bit dark there. 😉
haha. I appreciate the darkness.
These are all so amazing! I want to praise them all individually but would get carpal tunnel from all that typing. You guys are great.
I need you…
Like a fish needs a bicycle
I need you?! I need you?!
All your truth is a lie!
And with every alibi
Your lips move then your pants catch fiiiiiiiire!
You need a LAWYER.
AND some new pants. Lots of them.
My final offering: (I think)
He needed me, He needed me,
Like I needed to be an appliance
Like he needed my self-reliance
Like a hooker needs more clients
He needed me.
I need you?! I need you?!
Like a marriage needs a third?
She’s a toilet! You’re a turd!
My royal flush is the last woooooord!
I need you?!
I need you! I need you!
You are water! I am oil!
I’m the frog! You’re the boil!
And Chump Ladyyyyyyyy needs a foil!
I need you!
Thank you Chump Nation and Chump Lady. I needed to laugh today! And it looks like I have a few working brain cells and neural pathways left. Always good to run a test on the system.
I LOVE you, Velvet Hammer!!! Your posts are HILARIOUS and so fitting !!!! Hahahahaha
I need you like Tokyo needs Godzilla
Like Rome needed Attila
Like a bank needs a thief
Like vegan needs some beef.
This was so funny, a big lift up in my day. I’ve been following
CL for quite some time though rarely post. I was cheated on by my rebound bf/fiance. Thank goodness I didn’t marry the dude!
But to see Ginger, Maryann, the skipper, the scientist just tugged at my heartstrings.
Best to all
TSL
I need you, I need you
Like a fish needs your hook
Like a bank needs a crook
Like a rabbit needs a cook
You need me, you need me
Like a cheater needs a chump
Like your ass needs a thump
Like the OW needs your junk
I need you, I need you
Like a roof needs a leak
Like my feet need to reek
Like my will needs to be weak
I am strong, I am strong
And I’m the one who’s getting along
We all know you were in the wrong
You’re bound to the OW all day long
And to your family, you are long gone.
You blew it up for a nurse at work
You thought it was a physician’s perk
You’re such a jerk!
“You thought it was a physician’s perk”
I bet that’s literally true.
Great work!
They are all good, but this one is my favorite so far.
Especially the last part, I would have to change it to:
“You blew it up for a whore at work
You thought it was a Cop’s perk”
You pounded your chest and roared
Spent the rest of your life with a lazy whore
Like a fish needs a bike.
Like a signer needs a mic.
Like a cornfield needs a drought.
Like a batter needs an out.
Like an apple needs a worm.
Like a shoulder needs sunburn.
Like an ice cube needs hell.
Like music needs cowbell.
Like a pensioner needs a scam.
Like a bathroom needs a cam.
Like a laptop needs a virus.
Like a printer needs papyrus.
Like a polar bear needs summer.
Like suburbanites need Hummers.
Like a hairline needs to recede.
Like a garden needs a weed.
Like a trial needs a liar.
Like a forest needs a fire.
Like a beach needs snow.
Like a mood needs a low.
Like breath needs garlic.
Like a letter needs scarlet.
ha– I treasure the references. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVsQLlk-T0s&ab_channel=SaturdayNightLive
More cowbell!!! hahaha
I remember this! Too funny! Thanks for the link, Hell of a Chump and for the reference, cashmere.
I need you , I need you
Like a lion needs a cage
Like preschool teachers need rage
Like the Honeybees need Mrs Howell
Like Mickey Mouse needs a scowl
Like coworkers need your dick
Like a dog needs a tick
I need you bzzzzzzz