I just need some decent advice.
I have been with my partner for 20 years next month! We have four gorgeous children.
Back in 2019 I caught him snap chatting with a women he works with, flirting and calling each other nicknames like “Bum-Bum” and “Muscle Bum.” We got through it and it turns out that it was just an ego boost for him. Well, that’s what I think.
A couple of months ago I found a nude from her. I was devastated!! (Which was from the same time as the flirting in 2019.) He said that nothing happened and we have been great since. The thing is they still work together I have asked that he removes her from snap chat and he has. I even confronted her and she was very honest in her answers!!
I don’t believe anything physical has happened and he is always here and with me and our children. I just don’t know what to do or how to feel.
Am I stupid? Am I dumb to stay? He says he can’t live without me and he is always with me and always discusses our future!!
I guess I’m just feeling lost because I have no one to talk about it with.
Thanks for reading.
I want you to do a thought experiment — and I’ll ask CN to do the same — look back over your long career and recall every professional colleague you’ve ever called Bum-Bum. Or Sweet Cheeks. Or El Jefe Bootymaster. Can you think of one respected team member? One corporate asset? (sorry)
I know of exactly one. He was a defendant in one of Mr. CL’s sexual harassment lawsuits. The creep sent pimply, ass-selfies to women in his office, and was later shocked to discover (after the legal filings) that they were unwelcome.
All to say, ass-centric nicknames in the workplace — and naked pictures — aren’t normal. They’re lawsuits ready to happen. Or they’re a workplace affair, by which I mean, a lawsuit ready to happen.
The fact that you’re reaching out to me, an anonymous advice columnist, to get a reality check, tells me that you’re being gaslit. Your partner wants you to think this is no big deal (“nothing happened!”). And so, you tried to spackle over it, but the spackle (“it’s just an ego boost!”) isn’t sticking.
He said that nothing happened and we have been great since.
Except for that whole marriage policing thing and the hypervigilance that keeps turning up discoveries. Other than THAT, it’s great, huh?
The thing is they still work together I have asked that he removes her from snap chat and he has.
How about he finds another job? Was that ever on the table? There are other messaging apps, of course.
I even confronted her and she was very honest in her answers!!
Yes, the woman who is sending your husband a naked picture of herself can be relied upon to tell the God’s honest truth about what the fuck she’s up to.
Really, Cruz? Really? Why do you think she’d be honest? She’s not your friend. She has a vested interested in gaslighting you. A) It’s a power high. B) Admitting a workplace affair makes her vulnerable. C) Keeping you off the trail keeps things open with Bum-Bum.
I don’t believe anything physical has happened
Based on? The testimony of two fuckwits?
and he is always here and with me and our children.
Except when he’s at work the majority of the day with her.
Am I stupid? Am I dumb to stay?
You’re mindfucked. The stupid person is your husband.
He says he can’t live without me
That’s funny. He seems to have lined up your replacement. What position is he advertising for that he’s receiving naked pictures?
and he is always with me and always discusses our future!!
The guy has a vested interested in not paying child support for four children. And avoiding consequences on the home and work fronts.
He can “discuss” and promise anything. We’re having unicorns for breakfast tomorrow. The fact is, he saw your devastation and it didn’t stop him from pursuing his “flirtation” or look for a new job. His life is fine. Your life is misery and marriage policing.
Is this relationship acceptable to you? His actions have made it clear that he’s okay hurting you. And doesn’t care if you feel safe. You can either live with that, or you can’t.
I suggest you not live with it.
Better to be in the driver seat. I’d lawyer up, and get a settlement. And if he balks, your lawyer can start the workplace depositions about who knew Bum-Bum and Muscle-Bum.
It’s nice leverage while he still has a job.