Please throw some light on the very stormy waters of the dating world out there. The last page of your book encourages to love again strong and true, and I get this implicitly but WHERE do we meet these new guys? (Especially for those of us who were dealt the wonderful shit sandwich in our fifties and over…)
Where are single available men? (If I hear one of my friends ever mention the grocery store’s alleys as possible love lanes one more time, why, I am liable to wring her little wrinkled neck with my very own hands! The judge will understand and go easy on me..) Chump Lady, help us understand where we can spot and get to speak with these mythical creatures. On line? If so, which sites would you recommend? Please let us know. We are getting a bit lonely and would really love to hear your take on the dating scene live or online.
The supply of Single Available Men are all in a knotty pine-paneled man cave, enjoying brewskis and watching the Detroit Pistons in Ferndale, Michigan. I’m not allowed to divulge the street address. To do so would compromise the national Single Available Man strategic reserve.
Occasionally one is released into the dating pool. There you must discern for yourself amongst the thousands of douchebags, predators, and married men if he’s really Single, Available, and Decent. Please know you are competing against hordes of other 50+ year-old women for the only Single Available Man. Hope you look 30 and your tits don’t sag. Best of luck!
May I just say how much I hate this question — where are all the single, available men? There is NO RIGHT ANSWER. The whole question is a set up. It’s a total no win. To answer means I think a) there is a national Single Available Man shortage; b) I think you need a partner to be happy; and c) they’re all hiding somewhere and I can tell you how to find one.
A) I don’t think there is a Single Available Man shortage any more than there is a Decent, Not Batshit Crazy, Solvent Woman crisis. There are just people. Some are awesome. Some suck. Some are perfectly okay, but not a good fit for you. Go figure it out and have some boundaries as you explore.
B) Don’t require a partner to be happy. In my book I say you should love again and I’m very clear that does not necessarily mean a partner. I say go adopt an orphan, join a historic preservation society, or grow peonies. Quote, “I have no idea what your personal happiness looks like,” unquote, it just doesn’t belong with a cheater.
I do think you should have courage and it is not impossible to love another person again. But don’t let a cheater be the last thing you ever invest in. Why would you give a fuckwit that kind of centrality?
Maybe the demographics suck. Maybe you don’t want to take the risk of another broken heart. Okay. Love SOMETHING. Your children. Your career. A worthy cause. Just because whatever-it-is doesn’t wear a dinner jacket and can’t be your plus-one doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of your time. Really most anything is a better use of your time (cleaning the lint filter, scraping gum off your shoe, sitting through time-share pitches…) than time spent in a shitty relationship.
C) I can’t tell you how to find a Single, Available Man. I only really know a few men very well. I’m married to one. He is not available. My son is single, but if a 50-year-old woman came after him, I’d run her off waving a shovel.
I’m really the last person you should ask how to date. I’m a flaming dork. It’s only by the grace of God that I met my husband (another flaming dork). The only dating tips I have are know your worth and healthy relationships are reciprocal. After that, you’re on your own.
Ack! Tracy, this is very unsatisfying advice! It’s all very fine and good for you to be so blithe about partnering up, you there from the smug comfort of your married status. Apparently you’ve forgotten the dating trenches! You suck!
Having a good partner is a great blessing. I won’t lie. It’s awesome. BUT IT’S NOT THE ONLY BLESSING IN LIFE. Seriously, live life today as if it’s never going to happen for you. Because you don’t know if it will or won’t. Do not predicate your happiness on finding your One True Love. That very expectation sets you up for unhappiness. Makes you feel a wee bit desperate. Makes you compare yourself to the Fabulously Coupled. Don’t do this to yourself!
We don’t enjoy every blessing. Not every one of us is rich, thin, healthy, fertile or possessing friends, a loving family, children on the honor roll, or six-pack abs. We all get some blessings, but we don’t get ALL the blessings.
And that’s okay.
I’m not saying every blessing is equivalent. Having healthy children isn’t the same as having thin thighs. I’m just saying that it’s okay to not have EVERY blessing.
You have to adapt and overcome. Look, you might not be born rich — you can go out and hustle and work three jobs and it might happen for you. You might become better off than you were, your hard work might get you a Lear jet. Or, it might just make you an exhausted person who works three jobs. You can do things to improve your odds, but you might not achieve that blessing. And it won’t be for a lack of trying.
You might not be able to have children. Maybe you really want children and maybe God gave you a crap uterus. You can let that fact make you miserable. Or you can adopt. Or you can be an wonderful involved aunt or Big Sister. Or you can take all that money you would spend on daycare and frozen pizza and vacation in Europe instead. What you cannot do is predicate your happiness on having a functional uterus.
Similarly, you might want to find Mr. Right. You can online date your heart out, get fixed up with every widower in your parish, and lay in wait in the frozen vegetable aisle. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. But don’t predicate your happiness on it happening. Go be your best, happiest self without a relationship and see what happens.
For what it’s worth, I think the odds are good of pairing up again. All people (unless they are sociopaths) want to bond with other people. We crave intimacy and connection. I do think we should all be open to connection with others.
Good people are not “mythical.” They exist. You exist! Just get out there and live life and I trust you’ll cross each other’s paths eventually. Maybe this will result in a boyfriend or maybe a really great set of friends and a vibrator. I don’t know. Good luck.
This one ran previously. On vacation this week.