Chump me is getting a divorce, after catching my husband cheating on me for the third time. It was a “three strikes, you’re out” kind of deal. I was the chump for even giving him one.
He claims his affair partner is cut out of his life now. He has never once blamed me for his actions. He’s never played any of the cards like “my needs weren’t being met” etc. He has always placed the blame on himself and at least verbally taken responsibility for his decisions.
He claims he’s in therapy which can be corroborated by mutual friends who know him. He claims he wants to live an honest life and become a person worth having as a friend. He wants to win back my friendship, and he seems to be trying to do it.
Is reconciliation, for the purposes of being his friend and not his spouse, wise? Is it worth it? Am I a unique chump with someone who seems genuinely remorseful? Or am I just being played again?
I really do love him and want him as a friend, and my instincts say that he actually is trying to better himself. But the trauma and pain he put me through was a big deal, and I don’t want to give this to him for a few years if I even do at all. I want to be a forgiving person, especially to someone who I loved for 8 years, but I don’t want to be an idiot.
There’s a lot of things you could do. Eat Tide Pods. Swallow livestock dewormer as a COVID cure. Stick a jade egg in your vagina to prevent “shame spirals.” People do these things! People recommend these things. Doesn’t mean you should do them.
Do I sound like your mother? Imagine the slap upside your head. Kayla! What are you THINKING?! Put the hopium down. I don’t care if Gwyneth Paltrow is friends with her ex. If Gwyneth stuck an egg up her ass, would you do that too?
Are you a Unique Chump? No Kayla you are not. You are an ordinary person to whom the laws of gravity, science, and fuckwittery apply. If you jump off that building, you’re going to go splat. If you give a cheater who gave you three D-Days another chance, you’re going to have four. Five. Six….
I swear, exceptionalism is the most lethal drug on the planet. It’s Gonna Be Different For Me. Uh huh. Until you find yourself in an iron lung during a pandemic and realize that gosh, your specialness failed you. Or you take back your cheating ex as a “friend” and discover that all your magic wishes cannot transform a fuckwit into someone who cares.
How do I know that? EVIDENCE! (Science is based on it. Crazy, right?) He. Gave. You. THREE. D-Days.
That you know of. THREE. You valued him. He devalued you. You valued him again. He devalued you. You valued him yet again. He devalued you.
Does that sound like the basis of a healthy relationship?
He claims his affair partner is cut out of his life now.
Okay, whatever. He’s still someone who casually betrayed you and lies. Why would you believe him now, and also, why would you care if he’s still with her? You’re divorcing him. He can go fuck broom handles. He’s a free agent. AKA: Not Your Problem Anymore.
He has never once blamed me for his actions. He’s never played any of the cards like “my needs weren’t being met” etc. He has always placed the blame on himself and at least verbally taken responsibility for his decisions.
Bitch cookie. If he hit you and didn’t blame you for him hitting you does that make it better? Because he didn’t sprinkle extra toppings on his abuse, does it make it any less abusive?
But the trauma and pain he put me through was a big deal,
There. You answered your own question. It’s a big deal. You invested your life with this person, were vulnerable to him, generous with him, and he shat on your gifts, and you’re asking me if you should give more?
He claims he’s in therapy which can be corroborated by mutual friends who know him. He claims he wants to live an honest life and become a person worth having as a friend.
This is called Hoovering. And it’s part of the abuse cycle. He’s trying to suck you back in, not because he values you, Kayla (see the evidence), but because you’re of use to him. Tell me how friendly he is as you hammer out those divorce financials. Tell me what he does without your “friendship.”
He wants to win back my friendship, and he seems to be trying to do it.
Because you’re letting him. Because you’re not practicing boundaries or no contact. You’d rather believe in his mythical potential (see livestock dewormer and exceptionalism above) and not the EVIDENCE of his character.
I want to be a forgiving person, especially to someone who I loved for 8 years, but I don’t want to be an idiot.
You can be a forgiving person and NOT HAVE HIM IN YOUR LIFE. Reconciliation is not forgiveness. Giving him carte blanche to as many chances as he’d like is not forgiveness. You’re allowed to protect yourself from his harm. Who says that is unforgiving?
If he was a schizophrenic running after you with a meat cleaver, is it unforgiving of you to run away? Schizophrenia is no one’s fault, it’s a brain illness. Still makes sense to escape harm.
A guy who is cheating on you, risking your health mentally and physically, is a meat cleaver. RUN AWAY. And unlike a schizophrenic, it IS his fault, because he CHOOSES to harm you.
Run faster, I say. Don’t stop and have tea and be besties.
You can forgive him later (or not! That’s totally okay too!) from the safe distance of your new life without him. You don’t OWE him forgiveness or friendship or the next 5 minutes.
He thinks he’s entitled to it? Then he’s the same asshole he’s always been.