I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I had suspicion that she was seeing someone else after she came home drunk one day at 8 in the morning and I kicked her out of my apartment.
Her iPhone was connected to her iPad, and she had left it here, so I decided to snoop around.
I found text messages between her and her coworker who I had told her a couple months ago that I didn’t want her talking to. Messages went a little like, I miss your touch, I love you, the way you touch me makes me feel like you love me.
I confronted her about these messages and she said she was drunk and didn’t mean any of them. It’s been two weeks now since she took all her stuff out of my apartment. We still talk here and there, and she tells me eventually she wants to get back together, but she wants to take a break.
I feel like I’m getting chumped at this point and I just don’t know if I should believe her or not, and want her to just be truthful so we can just end this once and for all!
“We” don’t end this. YOU end this.
Classic chump mistake thinking that you’re going to arrive at consensus about your girlfriend’s atrocious behavior and she’ll Do The Right Thing. But don’t feel bad. An entire Reconciliation Industrial Complex is built upon such faulty assumptions.
Oh hey, why don’t you just tell me the truth about what you and Nigel are up to? Lead with unvarnished honesty and transform into an ethical person I can trust! Who respects me! Because I asked nicely.
Pigs will fly.
There’s only YOU, Alan, and what you will tolerate. Let’s walk through your letter and play the “Is this acceptable?” game.
I had suspicion that she was seeing someone else after she came home drunk one day at 8 in the morning and I kicked her out of my apartment.
Apparently cheating and being shit-faced drunk at 8 a.m. are NOT qualities you want in a girlfriend and you acted accordingly. Now you’re second guessing yourself, why?
so I decided to snoop around
Does this relationship make you feel safe? Or flinchy and off-balance? Which do you prefer?
her coworker who I had told her a couple months ago that I didn’t want her talking to
You don’t control her. You only control you. If it seems that she’s investing her energies in another relationship, the answer to that dilemma is to remove yourself from her life and free her up for more Nigel time. Don’t pick-me dance. And don’t try to control the uncontrollable — her lack of investment. Decide what is and is not acceptable to you in a relationship.
Messages went a little like, I miss your touch, I love you, the way you touch me makes me feel like you love me.
Okay, Alan, you found evidence — she is, in fact, cheating with a coworker. Now you must BELIEVE the evidence and not spackle.
Do you tell your coworkers that you miss their touch? Does anyone who isn’t the subject of a sexual harassment lawsuit or a workplace affair do that?
Her excuse is she was drunk. That’s not a winning testimonial for a continued relationship. Either she’s fucking her coworker (game over) OR she gets drunk and propositions coworkers (game over).
Are either of these two things okay with you?
[She] didn’t mean any of them
So she just blows your life up for amusement? Now you can live on tenterhooks lest she get bored.
We still talk here and there
NO. No contact! She’s not your friend. If she left her favorite sweatshirt, line a hamster cage with it. Move on. Nothing to discuss.
and she tells me eventually she wants to get back together, but she wants to take a break.
She’s offering you Plan B. Hey, if things don’t work out with Nigel, she might give it a go. Alan, you’re worth more than that! Of course she won’t admit to Nigel, but she “loves” someone who isn’t you and moved out. Judge her actions. She’s a lying liar who lies.
And also Alan, pro tip: Mixed messages are just one message — run away. Either this person doesn’t know their mind, or they know their mind and they don’t want to tell you. Neither of those things are solid foundations for a relationship. You don’t want to have to convince them of your worth (that’s the pick me dance) and you don’t want a partner with a hidden agenda.
So fuck mixed messages. Don’t toke the hopium pipe. Take your power back.
I just don’t know if I should believe her or not
Hmmmm… delirium haze or heart break?
Choose heart break. Short-term pain, long-term gain. You’re free of a fuckwit. Stay in the haze, you waste years of your precious life. Why? To anesthetize the pain of being constantly devalued? To have a pretend girlfriend when REAL women walk this earth? Alan, sweetheart, put down the pipe.
want her to just be truthful
Well, I want world peace and pants that fit. I want everyone vaccinated. I want a job cuddling golden retriever puppies.
Wishing for impossible things feels noble, Alan, and yet the world abounds with fuckwits. You have to deal with the reality you’re dealt.
Things didn’t work out with this shady girlfriend. Accept it. Move on. Block her and focus on your healing.
Ethical people exist, go invest in them. But expecting a deceitful person to become an honest broker?
Excuse me, I have a puppy to cuddle. My shift just started.