The Universal Bullshit Translator gets a lot of “It’s not what I did, it’s how you reacted” pitchforked into it. Blameshifting lays around in piles. Why can’t you chumps be NICER? Someone needs kibbles!
In today’s UBT submission, Lori writes:
He was on his way out last year and did a complete 180, I figure the “supply” dumped him, but here’s his response…….
“It was because you became nice. I wish you were still like that. We wouldn’t be in this situation. But then it became worse and you became pissed at me. About everything under the sun again! I wish you could be that Lori. I would still be there. I don’t know why you have to, then and now, be such an angry person. I was waiting for that Lori to come back. She never did. I’m sorry. No matter what you say or think. I’m sorry.”
Roughly translated: “Lori, I’m sorry you’re such an asshole.”
It was because you became nice.
“Became” — implying you weren’t nice before. You transmogrified into a kinder, gentler you and stopped being a raging Gorgon. Thank you.
I wish you were still like that.
Yes, it had to end because you could not sustain nice. Why oh why did you ever cease kibble production? It’s a mystery to him.
We wouldn’t be in this situation.
What “situation” is that? He can’t spell that out, because to do so might confer responsibility upon him, so we’ll just use the euphemism that the current unpleasantness is a “situation.” He’s like that douche from Jersey Shore. Mike “The Situation” Cheaterpants.
But then it became worse and you became pissed at me.
Oh Lori, you just can’t stay nice, can you? Being a terrible person is just congenital, un-niceness just laying below the surface, ready to rear its ugly head. Without provocation!
About everything under the sun again!
Everything! Nothing pleases you! He can’t do ANYTHING right! It’s just you and your unreasonable meanness. You’re a grinch! You hate Christmas! And kittens! And cupcakes! You’re pissed at everything under the sun! He’s under the sun, ergo you’re pissed at him. It’s not like he DID something. There’s no reason to this pissed-offedness. It’s Just Who You Are.
I wish you could be that Lori.
I mean the “nice Lori.” The person who fed me kibbles and believed my lies and didn’t stand in the way of my cheating. I miss her. Chumps are so nice. Why can’t you be my chump again?
I would still be there.
It’s all your fault it ended.
I don’t know why you have to, then and now, be such an angry person.
The Problem Is Not What I Did, It’s Your Reaction To It.
I was waiting for that Lori to come back. She never did.
I am a sad sausage. I sit by my window and pine for Nice Lori. Sometimes I think I hear her coming, and I paw at the door and wet myself from the excitement… but it was just the mailman. There’s nothing in my mailbox but cobwebs and loneliness. And bills I wish you would pay. And Pottery Barn catalogs addressed to you. Your name taunts me. I remember the Nice Lori and I cry.
Maybe she’ll come back? I’m steadfast and true — unlike Lori. I wait and I wait and I wait. My pants are soiled. But she Never Returns. (sob)
She abandoned me, all because she couldn’t be Nice.
I’m sorry. No matter what you say or think. I’m sorry.
I am the victim of your unreasonable anger. I said I was sorry for nebulous unnamed things. That should be enough.
No matter what you say or think, I’ll stick with my narrative that this is all your fault.
Have a nice day, Lori.
This column ran previously.