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UBT: My Husband’s Craigslist Ad

mrNiceGuyThe Universal Bullshit Translator (UBT) gets some weird submissions, but this one stood out. Chumpified shared her husband’s Craigslist ad. Or, excuse me, one of them. Not everyone can craft such 50 Shades of Schlock, ladies. Stand in line.

Chumpified writes:

I thought it’d be fun to share with you just one (out of hundreds) of Craigslist ads my husband has been posting for the past ten years. By the way, my cheater is 5’8″ on a good day, receding hair line, 41 years old (not the 38 he claims in the ad) and slightly overweight with a fair amount of moobs (man boobs).

Enjoy! PS: I hate craigslist, but mostly I hate my sicko husband.

Kissed and Spanked, Adored and Dominated
I miss the perfection of that perfect trust. Being kissed as I put the shackles on, arms bound behind back. The look of wonderment in sub’s eyes. The feel of sub’s breath speed up as I grabbed sub’s hair from behind, pulling her ear close to my lips so I could whisper “you’re such a good girl” as my hand cupped and fondled her breast, pulling and teasing her nipple.

I miss the perfection of warmth, body against body, hard against soft, both hot and wet, drenched in perfect craving fulfilled. I miss the collar going around neck, on your hands and knees now, led like an erotic animal, fucked like one, on the floor with your collar and leash. Then led to the couch where I sat, pulling your lips onto my cock. I’ve never adored anyone this much. Despite my harshness you had my heart. But my heart is mine again. And I’ll let the perfect sub play with it again as I play with her. In doing so the circle is complete, and our trust in each other is earned.

Very real. Will meet if there’s chemistry. Not into games, into being real. Attached so discretion required.

Txt me xxx-xxx-xxxx. Say “spank me” so I know you’re real.

Me – 5’10”, athletic, blonde hair, blue eyes, in shape, workout, D&D free, non smoker

Wow, Chumpified. Before I unleash the UBT, may I just suggest that a guy who posts hundreds of Craigslist ads without your knowledge or consent might best be known as your EX-husband? Hope you’ve had the full array of STD screenings and made the lawyer appointments.

Also, before the UBT eviscerates this submission, I’d just like to say for the record, I have nothing against consensual kink, dangling from trapezees, whatever. I do, however, object to cheaters and misogyny.

Onward to the UBT…

Kissed and Spanked, Adored and Dominated

Kittens and Handcuffs, Sunshine and Incarceration

Applesauce and Cyanide, Puppies and Pistol-whipping…

I miss the perfection of that perfect trust.

I’m a stranger who would like to choke you, but you can trust me.

Being kissed as I put the shackles on, arms bound behind back.

Yes, if I shackle someone, I expect a kiss.

Armed ties behind your back, you’re defenseless against my halitosis.

The look of wonderment in sub’s eyes.

Everyone I fuck has the same look — wonderment. When the date rape drugs wear off, that is.

The feel of sub’s breath speed up as I grabbed sub’s hair from behind, pulling her ear close to my lips so I could whisper “you’re such a good girl” as my hand cupped and fondled her breast, pulling and teasing her nipple.

I earnestly believe that my feeble attempt at 50 Shades of Grey seduction prose will make a total stranger have high-risk, kinky sex with me for free. Because I’m that delusional. And that cheap.

I miss the perfection of warmth, body against body, hard against soft, both hot and wet, drenched in perfect craving fulfilled.

Sorry, the UBT has dissolved into fits of giggles.

“Drenched in perfect craving fulfilled”? Huh? Is that like when football players pour Gatorade over each others’ heads? What is the imagery here supposed to convey exactly? Cravings don’t drench. This makes no sense. Did you just chop up a Harlequin romance, shake it up in a jar, and jumble random sentences together?

And what’s with all this “I miss” shit? What happened to your last “perfect” partner that you miss her? Let me guess, she’s buried under your floorboards.

I miss the collar going around neck, on your hands and knees now, led like an erotic animal, fucked like one, on the floor with your collar and leash.

For the record, and for your future health screenings, you should know I fuck animals too.

Okay, just the erotic ones.

Then led to the couch where I sat, pulling your lips onto my cock. I’ve never adored anyone this much.

Do it for the adoration. That’s really all it takes, ladies — let me shackle you, and force you to blow me, and in exchange I’ll “adore you.” Well, at least until the next dim-witted person answers my ads.

Despite my harshness you had my heart. But my heart is mine again.

I whip because I care.

And I’ll let the perfect sub play with it again as I play with her. In doing so the circle is complete, and our trust in each other is earned.

Because that’s how we learn to trust each other. I shackle you, you don’t report me to the authorities. Or my wife.

Lesser people have these quaint notions that to trust someone you need to spend a lot of time around them, observe their character, judge their behavior, and exchange trivialities like actual names. Pish posh!

Very real. Will meet if there’s chemistry. Not into games, into being real. Attached so discretion required.

I’m so real and authentic, I have a double life. Don’t tell my wife. That’s how real I am.

Txt me xxx-xxx-xxxx. Say “spank me” so I know you’re real.

Me – 5’10”, athletic, blonde hair, blue eyes, in shape, workout, D&D free, non smoker

I’m not 5’10” or athletic, or actually “real.” I’m a creepy man who wants to act out misogynistic fantasies on strangers.

But you can trust me.

Text “spank me” so I know you’re my next victim perfect love.

***

This one ran before.

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    • 🤢oh my…. Fortunately I haven’t eaten yet 😂😂
      Delusion goes long way with them…. Adoration, wonderment (wtf) – yes, they are true heroes🙄😬🙄

    • Ugghhhhh 🤮 on way too many levels!
      Some things my mind cannot unsee.

      This guy better be in the writer’s past and be an ex by now!

    • Your cartoons are amazing.

      I like them all but this one and the one where the asshole counselor is sitting there blaming the chump cause me to laugh out loud every time I see them.

    • I already ate breakfast but I’ll be throwing up my future lunch and dinner over this disturbing and pathetic dribble.

    • Mine was posting romantic shit: he was looking for a true soul mate – someone who would value honesty (!)
      They are freaks

      • Ha! My x thought the hooker he hired for his violent bdsm fantasies was his soul mate too—the universe was keeping them apart. He’d text her and ask if she was “mono” with him… um she was a hooker, charging $500, did he think she was his girlfriend? He was so upset when I found out; I’d ruined his f@ckfest fun with consequences. He didn’t care one iota that he risked my health (STD panels are so unfun), our family (he lost our children’s respect completely). It’s been a year since I kicked him out—his dalliance with his hooker(s) continues. They are welcome to his creepy self.

      • Good grief. Honesty.

        I remember years ago when I first got a FB account, I went to whores site because I wanted to see if there were any good pictures of the grand children, and I was also curious.

        Anyway, there weren’t any good pics, but she had one of those thingy’s posted where I guess you answer questions and it evaluates your personality. Hers said, “whore is one of the sweetest kindest people you will ever meet, but she can spot a liar from miles away, if you lie to her you are gone.” talk about rolling in the aisle laughing. Then there were a bunch of Jesus memes.

        This is the whore who screwed my husband for at least 6 years and the both of them hid it from everyone, including their workplace because he was her boss, in fact he got her hired for the position while he was fucking her. Had they know that, no way would she have been hired. But she hates liars. I am smiling just sitting here typing this.

        I have not gone back since then, but I still laugh when I think of it.

        My thought is how can one lie to themselves like that, and then I realize they are liars, of course they lie to themselves.

        • That reminds me of when my daughter was telling me that Schmoopie told her “You need to seize what you want in life…as long as it doesn’t hurt other people. You shouldn’t hurt other people”. Daughter then mumbled something along the lines of “you don’t have much self awareness do you?”. Three years later, ex dug that up as an example of how daughter was mean to Schmoopie making Schmoopier feel unsafe around her and that’s why she wasn’t invited to dinner at his house.

          • Right. They lie, gaslight, deceive, hide, put us at risk…but we are MEAN. I was called that too, after I discovered lots of shit, including contracting chlamydia which caused an ectopic pregnancy that almost KILLED me. But I”m the mean one.

            I made sure to send letters out including the med reports to all of her friends, family, his friends, work associates, etc. Yep, I’m mean. I’m a fucking angry bitch now, loser!

          • Reminds me of lots of things X said about last OW ( I kept telling him to shut up about her already!). She’s SO sweet, so kind to everyone, she even makes sure to walk around snails on her pathway, she moves them out of the way. OMG so lovely to snails!
            I guess that didn’t extend to me, or our three sons. Well, I guess she did want to move us out of the way!😂 She’s actually an absolute train wreck, Narc phony. Putting on a big show of being ethical. They are all the same, from what I’m reading here.
            Sux to be them! Rock on, CN!

            • “she even makes sure to walk around snails on her pathway, she moves them out of the way. OMG so lovely to snails!”

              Well to be fair, maybe she made a promise to be kind to snails and other sundry insects like your husband (and mine). But since she didn’t explicitly promise to treat you and your children like human beings, she is off the hook. //s

            • My cheater was like that too–made a big show of being super-ethical–stood up for the under-priveleged, against capital punishment for anyone, re-posts about ways he thinks that people should treat eachother better and make society better, re-posts articles that call out public figures who he thinks are being immoral. Meanwhile he was leading a double life with terrible moral compromises and deception on all sides, lying to me, lying to his colleagues, lying to schmoopie and to his parents and his kids.

              • My fw was also very judgmental about other men who cheated. He told me about a lot of them. Of course it became clear in most cases he was talking about himself. Confessing if you will.

                He was really hard on my best friends husband who was one of his high school friends. They were both lying cheats, only difference is friends husband didn’t hide it, mine did.

                I remember one night my fw told me that friends husband was seen at a theater with a girlfriend. After Dday, I am now certain that it was he and whore who ran in to them at the theater.

                I wonder if fw got a thrill out of “confessing” to me. Maybe laughing at my stupidity. I am not saying I am stupid, but that he thought I was. I was merely trusting my husband. And he had such a strong stance against cheating, well why wouldn’t I trust him. BAER

                These folks are so weird.

  • Sometimes it takes dissecting extreme examples to understand the cheater’s mindset.

    At a minimum it requires a sense of entitlement, deceitful behavior and disregard for a “sacred” commitment. The various ways the infidelity is discovered or denied shouldn’t matter to finally conclude the behavior is unacceptable.

    Examples such as this can help confirm the reality.

  • Somewhere, I hear the Pina Colada Song playing. A stupid, dopey cheater anthem.
    Tweaked for BDSM Man today.

    If you like gum under tables!
    And getting caught in the reins!
    If you’re really unstable
    And you have half a brain!

    Ux, have you done this one? Help me out here!

    😜

    • Oddly, I don’t think I’ve ever tackled Rupert Holmes’ tortuous ode to cheating fuckwits who deserve each other. Seemed to me like low hanging fruit.

      • Low hanging fruit…agreed!

        Yet somehow the fluffy, vapid melody and the self-deprecating lyrics are begging for the Ux reprise.

        Our daughter caught the traitor on Tinder while he was living with the Craigslist Cockroach Sole Mate. It’d be hilarious to find out that the Cockroach unwittingly answered his ad.

  • It must be very hard to recover from finding out your spouse sneaks around searching for this type of excitement and places Craigslist ads.

    • My cheater did one better. She was sitting at a bar her best friend enabler was managing and writing out her BDSM fantasies in which she was the strong dominant in the relationship. And then she was sharing these fantasies with anyone at the bar who was willing to talk to her! It seems I was the only one in town who did not know what was going on as I was home taking care of the kids.

  • I saw my ex’s response to what were obviously hooker ads. They were so ridiculous, especially the naked one with his flacid assets in display.

    Him going back and forth with the ones just trying to get him on their private page was hilarious.

    Oh so glad he is gone.

  • Some highlights from KK’s 2015 ad on OKCupid, entitled: “Seriously (and some not so seriously) Interesting Things About Me, by Me”

    . . . but which SHOULD have been entitled: “Reasons why I’m the kind of girl that guys want to fuck”

    1. Finished the Spartan Sprint this year and came in 14th in my age group. Suck it old people! Planning on completing the Spartan Trifecta in 2016. (Note: I saw her cheat and never said a word.)

    3. My favorite quote “Do the good, not the easy.” My second favorite quote I have tattooed on my calf. Ask me…

    4. My favorite word is “plethora.” “Fuck” is a close second.

    6. I’m a total tomboy – I enjoy getting dirty, can swear like a god damn sailor (but certainly not in inappropriate situations!), and like a good off-color joke from time to time.

    13. I tend to get along better with men than women. I’m not sure what that says about me, but I am sure there is some deep reasoning to it. I just think guys are cooler – no drama, say what they mean, and y’all are cute, too.

    14. Vegetarian but not militant if you eat a burger, and I am actually known for being a great steak griller. Perfect medium rare every time.

    17. I’ll pat myself on the back – I’m a f-ing awesome baker. If you’re lucky, I’ll make you my world famous Snickers Cake. Ok, maybe not world famous, but friends and family famous.

    19. When I was in my 20s I had a subscription to Playboy. Yes, it was actually for the articles.

    • Hi UXworld…

      I was wondering if this person “KK” is in E. Lansing, MI? Because Spartans are there home team Mascot? (Currently live in Holt, MI)

      Is this Your “un-wife”?

    • Women who say they like men better than women? They tend to be the very women they claim they’re staying away from: backstabbing, catty and calculating.

      I often think that these women believe they are staying away from radioactive women. However, they tend to be the radioactive woman they’re avoiding.

      My mother has always insisted that women are conniving and unpleasant. She’s always said that women are untrustworthy.

      Poor mom. I hope she’s ready to spend her golden years with all the female friends she’ll have to rely on for connection. She’ll have my sister and myself, of course. But if only she had a son…

      • Oh, believe me when I say if she had a son she wouldn’t be seeing him. Three of us in my family: my brother (the eldest), my sister (the youngest), and me. My mother learned the lessons from the era of deferring to men and elevating them over women in which she grew up. My brother is the favorite by far. He lives fifty miles from Mom; my sister and I live a thousand miles away (in opposite directions). Guess who does all the Mom care?

        • PS: Wanted to add the take-away: When you teach a man he is a superior being and women are there to serve him, it’s unlikely he’ll serve you!

          • Adelante,

            You would like my Mother. She made housework (cooking, ironing and cleaning etc) mine and my brother’s responsibility because she never wanted either of us to think of domestic work as being a woman’s problem. At the time my brother and I though that our younger sister was getting an easy ride as she had very few if any tasks at home ….. but looking back I know that my Mother was right and I’m glad that she was so firm with us.

            LFTT

      • I have found some women to be toxic in different ways than men. Some men are somewhere on a spectrum of bad to why aren’t they in jail?

        Being a bad person is not about gender, it is about being selfish, and jealous, and greedy, and spiteful, and hateful. They cannot help themselves to be anything but the evil, calculating POS they are.

        I was not lucky enough to find good friends until I went to college. I have very few, I treat them like treasures, both male and female, and feel fortunate to know them. I have more female friends than males friends, because I don’t have any “dating tension” with females. That issue makes having male friends hard for other people to understand.

        Chump Nation is like playing a social game, Friends with Strangers (Who support a common cause). I find humor and wisdom here most every day.

      • I always had man- friends ( especially in my 20’s) but the rules were clear- we are friends, we don’t go to bed together etc.
        It worked 100%~ since the boundaries were set by me and crystal clear.
        Women.
        Yes, I met plenty of nasty women- but never allowed any of them become my “ friend”
        This way- I’m surrounded by AMAZING ladies – different circles, not all of them know each other, but we can count on one another at any point. I trust them 100% and they also know that except for some unpleasant truth ( yes) I would never betray them.
        Women are amazing and it’s just a matter of looking for, being selective and always trust your guts.
        I wish I had the same boundaries and rules with my bf’s🤷🏼‍♀️

      • I get along with men better than women, but it’s only because I had nothing but brothers, and then nothing but sons, and I’m on the spectrum and don’t understand unsaid social cues.

        I never say it out loud tho, because women see other women who don’t have girlfriends as total freaks who are not to be trusted. And of course, all my male friends married, and it’s not okay with their wives for us to be friends anymore (especially now that I’m separated) which I totally understand.

        It would be nice to have friends, but it’s just not really in the cards for me it seems

        • NotAnymore

          You are not a freak and believe me- not every woman makes life too complicated to understand.
          You just didn’t find the “ right” person… that’s all.
          I tell myself that I’m getting quality over quantity, but I know a lot of women with 20-30 girl friends, and absolutely no true friends.
          That- is sad.

        • NotAnymore, we’re not freaks! I’m socially awkward and I don’t speak the same language as the sorority women I work with (they’re still different from me even though I’m 40 now – some are catty, some not). I also have a few great women and men who are treasured friends. I’m working on being ok with not everyone wanting to be my friend. Still, since high school lol.

          My therapist said something I found helpful (maybe I should add the brag to my non-existent OKCupid ad) – some women are intimidated by or jealous of highly intelligent women, and have to find a way to treat you like you are less. Mocking your social skills or whatever. She said she experienced it a lot as a woman with a PhD. It was helpful to me and I hope it is to you too! Maybe you can take it as a compliment that not every woman is comfortable with you (if not because of your brilliance, maybe your professionalism, competence, athleticism, etc.) It’s just as likely that they’re the ones with the problem.

  • Amazing, how narcissist, believe they look soo much better then they really do! The mirror they look into, must be a carnival mirror. The distortion is beautiful in their eyes. Ewww

    • Holy moly, this! I was told, “Everywhere I go, people stare at me because they think I am a Hollywood actor”, “I’d better put my arm around you so these other women know I’m taken” and “women have always been really attracted to me. I could sleep with thousands of women if I wanted to.”

      He’s handsome, but he thinks he is on the level of Brad Pitt or something. It really is a distortion borne from the constant need to boost their own egos. Carnival mirrors and carnival minds.

      • Very first reason for cheating: Fuckwit said Schmoopie “flattered his physique.” Who even says that?

        He’s good-looking – no Brad Pitt, but expects to be treated as if he is.

        I declined the invitation to pick-me dance. He can have the carnival mirror in the property split. Buh-bye, wannabe Brad.

    • Klootzak swears people have often compared him to Tom Cruise. I know I certainly do. He’a just as narcissistic, controlling, and batshit crazy.

    • My ex was not physically attractive at all, but I thought he was fun and looks didn’t matter to me. It was only later that I found out he was just nuts. But no, the looks weren’t there. One time he was telling his mom and me about an incident at work where there was him, his boss and a female colleague and someone farted. So he made some kind of comment about “how embarrassing it was for this woman, with this good looking guy sitting opposite her” – and I genuinely didn’t know who he was talking about ‘cos I knew his boss and it certainly wasn’t him! It took me a while to realize he was talking about himself!

  • Had some questionable shrimp last night…tummy queasy…this sent me right over. Feeling better now thx. 🦐🤢

  • The way better Craigslist choice would be the stained, moldy, flea infested couch with the bonus Doritos crumbs in the cushions.

  • And this is the fetid swamp I wade through in my attempts to expand my social opportunities on social media dating. SO many creeps out there. Fake ages, fake pictures, fake profiles. They tell me that they “love my profile” but its obvious that they’ve never actually read it. Married guys who proclaim to be ‘separated’ or don’t actually tell you that they happen to be already married. Young guys looking for a desperate older woman that they can scam off of, and older guys who want to take advantage of you as well! It’s really depressing how good I’ve gotten at smelling them out immediately. No wonder I’ve only actually managed 2 dates in 3 years of this effort. Ugh.

    • I don’t think I could do the dating sites if this happened to me in the dating sites era. Actually it was all just beginning when it happened to me. My best friend was treated like shit by her ex, which happened about a year before my year of discard. She knew for years her H was a pos, she just kept trying. She went on a Christian dating site and she did date a few and met a great guy, they are still together and seem to be very happy many years later.

      She talked to me about setting up a site when I was ready, but I just couldn’t do it. I worked at DoD though and eventually I met the guy I would marry. We took a long time getting to know each other and will celebrate 27 years this Nov. DoD had plenty of creeps too of the male and female persuasion. I turned a few down.

      I don’t see anything wrong with the sites, and it is the way a lot of folks meet now, but it is just scary to me. But, I never even went into a bar to meet folks.

      There are creeps every where though. I mean fw and his whore met at work, (police department) so it is a swamp most anywhere.

    • I hear you! When I started online dating it was stunning how many men lied about their height. Compounded by the fact that I was very honest about me being quite overweight. One guy was a good four inches shorter than he declared.

      Their height didn’t matter one bit to me but fudging the numbers sure did.

      I joke with my now husband that I knew he was a keeper when his profile said 6’ but he was actually 6’2”!

  • I don’t mean to kinkshame, but these ads are always funny. I can’t imagine ever being turned on by one. I laugh in big stupid heaps when I read stuff like this. It’s pathetic.

  • I don’t have the stomach to finish reading that letter.

    But the main issue, which boggles my mind, is how can someone write to Chump Lady and not mention divorce plans when THIS guy is still her husband? If she’s not on her way out the door then she must be some kind of masochist. Or the letter is fake. Either way, something is definitely off about this….

  • TBH i’m more interested in what chumps write in their dating profiles, mostly to strategize how to screen out duds. i don’t want repeat experiences.

    i can’t think of dating at this point and suspect it will be a long while before i even consider it. at this point, my profile would likely include the phrase “shell-shocked but trying to get over it” and “regularly awake at 3 a.m., seething over X” and “don’t mention bagged-salad”.

    not too effective.

  • I think the only benefit of being on the marriage police force is discovering this type of shocking information. It should give you the needed push to start a new life.

    My 20 years of marriage ex was barely 5’7″, overweight, balding, had man boobs, was alcoholic, and was not romantic. I know I married a jewel, girls, don’t be jealous! He was that height and balding, and not romantic when I married him, to be fair. I didn’t understand I was marrying an alcoholic then. He had some good traits, and I accepted his bad traits, and I stupidly thought I could change him for the better, but I knew what he looked like and his economic status, and his dysfunctional family, and I married him anyway. CHUMP.

    However, what I never understood, and finally gave up on trying to understand, was why women who knew he was married and worked for him, some had even met me, would fuck him anyway? He could not give them a raise, and could not be counted on to live up to any promise he made. So. I was as confused by the OW as much as him. I cannot imagine him with a whip and shackles, but really, what a disappointment for the OW.

    The love bomber used social media and dating sites, and when I found out and read them, he clearly lived in a total fantasy world. So did any of the ones who responded to his drivel. I was not prepared for his level of treachery and deception, Evidently I was not the only middle aged woman who was not prepared. Also he had a bad porn habit and ED, which I discovered after we married, so I am sure he disappointed many of those who responded to his lies while looking for love. The whole experience completely turned me off on-line dating. Too many land mines for old fashioned me. Also, I needed to work on myself, without distractions.

    I don’t understand 50 shades of anything. I do not care to know if anyone I know socially does. If they conduct their tastes in private and are not cheaters, I really do not care what 2 (or more) consenting adults do for fun. I just do not understand, and don’t care to understand, why life is better for them living in fantasy, or hurting another person. I may be easily amused (?) but I have a lot of fun doing comparatively “normal” things in the real world without having to parade any proclivities I might have about. Since I don’t even date, or attempt to, and I don’t do social media or dating sites, it really is not important to me. Chump Lady is the only site I visit regularly, and I find Chump Nation to be sane, at least most of the time.

    The information I found made me angry and caused me to give up on two lost causes I should have dropped long ago. I am not as gullible as I used to be. I know I cannot change anyone but me. These lessons learned were painful, but worth it for me. I wish the world was a better place, but I don’t believe it is, anymore.

  • I love Chum Lady and her writing style. She can make anything funny and on point.

    With that said, I know what it’s like to find your husband writing amazingly hurtful things like this. I know the feeling of reading thousands of posts that were written behind my back.

    I’ve had a spinal tap, I’ve had an ovary that twisted my fallopian tube and committed suicide inside of my body. I’ve NEVER known pain like finding and reading the shit that my husband was telling everyone in the world except me.

    My heart goes out to you, Champified.

  • Oh, I had a one of the BDSM freaks too. And I do judge kink. Nobody is ever going to convince me all those greasy haired sad looking women with dead eyes my ex was screwing and beating like getting beaten during sex. I’ve heard it from their own mouths and seen them write about how they endure it for the “aftercare.”

    Aftercare is when the abuser is then nice to his victim after he beats the crap out of her for his orgasm. These women think they have to take the abuse to get to the niceness. They think that’s the only way a man will be nice to them, ever. They don’t understand some men will just treat you nice all the way through sex. They don’t even know that exists.

    But anyways, there’s my little anti BDSM soapbox moment. Also, people who need to abuse others to achieve orgasms are monsters, even if they found a willing victim. They should be getting mental health treatment not looking for other mentally ill people to beat. But again, I digress.

    My ex was so messed up and enjoyed mentally and emotionally abusing me so much that he would call me a pervert and shame me for suggesting pretty mild roleplay scenarios (college student professor is the one that was a really big blowout where he called me unethical and disgusting) but then he would run to his girlfriends and tell them how I was so judgmental and mean to him that he couldn’t be himself at all and there was no way he’d ever be satisfied sexually. I was also shamed and insulted for wearing lingerie (it’s stupid and a waste of money). Anything I tried in the bedroom led to me crying and him insulting me.

    What I found out was that while he was basically calling me a pedophile for my college student professor fantasy with my same age husband, he was dating teenage girls and having them dress up like infants and toddlers and pretend to be his daughter whom he then beat and raped.

    I guess that’s a classic case of projection. And while I had wanted a daughter in the past I am now grateful every day that we did not have one.

    Mine also thinks he’s super hot. And I’m so gross and old people think I’m his mom. I wish I could attach pictures. LOL You know, when I married him, he was in his prime. He actually worked out back then because we were in the military. And even then I remember my best friend saying, “You did ok, you know, for a readheaded man he’s pretty decent looking.” Twenty years later, he’s got a gut, he still doesn’t know how to dress himself even with my efforts and his gut hangs out the bottom of his t-shirts, he’s never done anything for his skin and it shows…(redheads and sun damage is a very real issue) But he looks in the mirror and sees a God. The delusion is unreal. Thank God it’s not my problem anymore.

    • I join you on your soapbox. My ex was a masochist who wanted to punished. I refused to play along, on the grounds that I didn’t want to encourage or develop that attitude in myself. And given that his masochism was part and parcel of his idea of woman (which he aspired to be), I will further go out on a limb and say the idea that women are masochistic by nature is misogynist and ought not to be encouraged–anywhere.

    • I was also shamed for wearing lingerie. He would get turned off if I took initiative for sex. But would complain that I never took initiative for sex. And I should know how to seduce him. The stuff I did to make him happy. Still in therapy for that. Glad I’m out of that cesspool.

      • Oh boy, the denial of any attempts to initiate affection, then being told that you aren’t affectionate and never initiate. He refused to kiss me. Came up with all kinds of excuses – which of course were my fault. Definitely crazy making.

        Truth was, he just couldn’t get it up and keep it up with me since I demanded reciprocity and honesty. What he wanted was control and dominance. That he could do. If he could ‘shame’ me into having sex with him, and I wasn’t really enjoying it, he was having a blast.

        He also began an addiction to with online porn and sex hookups….. and god knows what else. I stopped digging for info at that point, there was no need. What I found was bad enough. He could keep his deep secrets. By that time the thought of touching him was Eeeeuuww!

        • “he just couldn’t get it up and keep it up with me since I demanded reciprocity and honesty”

          This is such a perceptive comment, skunkcabbage. Cheaters are too weak and cowardly to handle sex, intimacy, or any kind of adult relationship with a person who demands reciprocity and honesty. Abusers. They are not worthy of chumps. Mind boggling that we Pick Me dance for them.

        • So similar to mine. In my case, he made kissing so horrible and unpleasant I eventually refused to do it. He would jam his tongue into my mouth and keep it forced in there the entire time until I eventually had to push him off to breathe. (I have nasal polyps, I can rarely breathe through my nose. I hate it but it’s my life and it was our entire marriage and the first several years it wasn’t an issue at all because he would kiss normally.)

          He would never, ever end a kiss. I would hold my breath and try to wait him out because he would whine I don’t kiss him enough. I couldn’t because he can breathe through his nose. I stupidly talked to him about it hundreds of times. Explaining that he couldn’t lodge his tongue in my mouth and leave it there the entire time, there’s give and take with kissing. It’s not shove your tongue in their mouth and gag them with it and then use your larger size and strength to stop them from getting away from it. I couldn’t figure out why he had forgotten how to kiss sometime during our marriage.

          Mine also had porn induced ED from masturbating constantly so if I did initiate, I was putting pressure on him and then the ED was my fault. If I had any ideas in the bedroom that was pressure! And then it was my fault he went soft. If he hurt me in the bedroom and I said something, that made him feel judged! So he’d go soft.

          So basically, I was supposed to say nothing, let him hurt me physically during sex, not get any of my needs met, and just be a silent, always willing hole for him to use when he felt like it. Oh, and while he watched porn. Because he needed that.

          It wasn’t until the divorce when I found out so many nasty things about him that I realized it was all because he just wanted to hurt me. That was the whole point. But yes, I’m with you on the ewwwwwwww! The thought of ever being with him again makes my stomach heave.

          • I am really sorry this happened to you, Katie! It is a horrifying kind of gas-lighting, because he was pretending that suffocating you and hurting you was normal and even worse, that you should pretend your suffering at his hands wasn’t happening! I had a boyfriend like this, with whom I could never let my guard down during sex, because he would do something too physically forceful and hurt me, every single time I relaxed. He would always pretend that he was just too into the moment to realize what he was doing, or that he “forgot” that a particular move had hurt last time he did it. But I can’t imagine “forgetting” that something I did actually hurt my partner–I’d certainly remember not to do it again next time! Just like I tend to remember (but he would consistently forget) things that my partner enjoys, so that I would do them again next time. My feeling is, if a man seems to have amnesia about what pleases and particularly about what hurts you erotically, it’s likely that they are ignoring or overriding who you are in other areas of your life too. The overall effect wears down your energy and intiative because it makes it harder and harder to stay aware of your own feelings and needs. When I finally got myself together sufficiently to break up with the guy in question, telling him that I was just really unhappy with him, he had the nerve to answer that my unhappiness didn’t matter, as he was really happy with me! I think that about sums it up–at base, his feelings were all that mattered.

            • Yes! That’s exactly what it was like! I’m so sorry you experienced it too. I could never relax or let my guard down because he’d “accidentally” get too rough, or suddenly switch to an angle that hurt or “accidentally” put his arm on my hair or smack my head into the headboard. I never got to feel safe. I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I was with my new boyfriend and had no fear that he would hurt me and could actually relax.

              I think you’re right that if they do this in the bedroom, they’re doing it in other areas too. But it can be so subtle because they feign ignorance and gaslight about it. Reading about covert narcs was eye opening for me.

              • Dear Katie,
                Yes, the guy that treated me like this was a covert narc too! Lots of “accidentally on purpose” controlling little actions in every area of my life, things he’d keep doing in spite of my repeatedly telling him to stop; and he always tried to claim that what he was doing was normal!
                I’m glad your present partner is a good man who is in tune with you.

      • I’m sorry you’re still struggling with this, Yas. I hope therapy is helping. Thanks for sharing here. I dealt with almost exactly what you describe and internalized it. Still feel a lot of shame, I realize reading your comment.

  • Like Chump Lady I have no problem with kink, non kink, etc when everyone is honest and respectful, no cheaters. But as someone who has dipped her toe in the kink scene I can tell you this guy is a giant red flag to any woman there. Ewwww. I’m guessing he got few to no responses.

    I hope the OP has kicked (whipped) him to the curb and is living her best life without him.

  • Eww gross I stopped reading part way through. So sorry for you & hope he is now your exhusband.
    This is a good example of what I may not know about MY exhusband. At a certain point, I didn’t want to know it all.

  • Hilarious, and spot on. It’s amazing that these idiots are willing to demean themselves for a few kibbles.

    (Ex) FW’s BDSM hookup site ad ran, “Drunk guy looking to cheat and discipline a slave”. OW ignored this fantastic endorsement of his character, but then she crafted a list of women that she wanted to torture and murder, had the vocabulary of a 12 year old and bragged about being intoxicated on the job. Not the brightest bulbs in the chandelier.

  • He ‘misses it’ because he never had it

    He’ll be so disappointed when no Victoria’s Secret model answers his smarmy ads

  • I didn’t save the craigslist ads I found, because, barf, but they were just like this! Written like a trashy romance novel in cliched prose.

    🤮🤮🤮

  • Oh my!

    I’ll never get why people get into this type of thing. Hurting other people just isn’t in my nature. I suspect that some in the “consenting adults” camp end up hating themselves, but so goes humanity in various ways.

    I have zero interest in dating post-divorce. Every guy that has asked me out so far is truly not someone that I want to get to know better AT ALL. I’m good, really. When I was younger I actually thought that I had to give guys a chance, but I’m not that way anymore. I’m truly A-OK. Friends who have dipped their toes into the online dating pool recently talk about meeting this type of guy behind a squeeky-clean profile. NO THANK YOU!

  • No UBT needed. I couldn’t read this. CL’s cartoon and Chumpified’s description of the cheater were enough. All cheaters suck, but the S&M fuckwits are sickening and infuriating. What a pathetic, entitled, abusive, perverted hypocrite. This guy deserves public humiliation. It ISN’T worth breaking NC, but I wish he and his APs – and everyone who knows him, for that matter – could read this. I don’t know how you get this shit out of your head, Chumpified, but I hope CL/CN’s mass revulsion and condemnation will help in some way.

  • I discovered my STBX was on adult friend finder, found out he was bisexual and hooking up with complete strangers! A 38 year marriage and he was living a double life, I knew nothing about! I swear the things they were talking about doing to each other, I had to look up….I am so damn stupid. It haunts me that I was so gullible, believed the gas lighting.

  • I’m real. Not into playing games — into REALITY. When you come near me you know I’m the real deal. I keep it real. I am real.

    I’m attached to someone. So don’t ruin that. I mean for me, not for them.

    I want ~* perfect trust. *~

  • Ha! My ex met schmoopie number two with a craigslist ad. I’m not sure what it read, but I do know that early on he was attending BDSM classes with her….clearly true love.

    • Wait, they have classes for BDSM? Who knew. I thought it was just something that people did when they wanted to. Didn’t realize there was a course of study involved. Do they have certifications and advanced degrees? Nevermind, I don’t want to know, ….

  • Oof! My ex’s Match profile ( he used his name, town, age, easy to find once I saw the icon on his phone when he clutched it in his hand, said…. Drumroll please!!!! “Take a chance on me.” I swear to God. When the divorce got super ugly, I took to humming Abba around him.

  • He describes himself inaccurately and he didn’t think anyone would notice when they met up? Freak. So sorry this happened.

  • If that’s what he really wants/fantasizes about (including his fantasy self), well, heck, here’s the door, buddy, and have a nice time with your subs.

    Seriously, I hope this makes moving on much easier for you.

    Hugs.
    aeronaut

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