Life is good at five years post-divorce. I haven’t talked to or seen ex since the settlement signing/final appearance in front of a judge. The few post-settlement issues have been resolved at my end by telephone court appearance, which is nice because there is no way in hell I’d be able otherwise.
My question has to do with former affair partner-now spouse’s behavior. While the divorce wasn’t finalized she was brought to our farm and a big show was made of promenading her around in front of my grown family and others, shiny new appliance replacement and all that. I didn’t rise to the bait.
While I was digging woodland perennials out before relocating out of state, Ex and his schmoopie shouted to me from the nearby corn patch that I “didn’t need to spy on them” (I didn’t give a fuck, honestly). Two days before the settlement she sent a poison pen letter saying she’d enjoy “taking my family away” if I didn’t sign ex’s shitty offer. Paid no attention to that, either.
From there it’s progressed to spying on/surveiling my grown daughter’s emails, telling me “hi” in the replies just to let me know she’s reading, and sending me “friend requests” on social media (ignored and blocked)
I’m just curious what drives the “winner” of the Pick Me Dance to keep on being so insecure and territorial. I’ve never once spoken to her personally, never invited these strange responses, and am just bemused why it continues to be happening. She won her dreamboat, and is living in the house I once cherished on land I had hoped to caretake. And?
I have my own place now, a tiny little cabin on a piece of land about the same size as what I left. It’s cheaper, less crowded by suburbia, and blissfully free of fuckwits. So I miss nothing, except occasionally the adult offspring who sided with their father. Even that, I’ve largely decided not to bother me because they’re adults who made up their own minds.
Why do APs stalk? Insecurity? Sick kicks? Still looking to fuel the new union with mister wonderful?
Dear Busy Farmer,
I’m really sorry about your kids. Please keep the lines of communication open. Maybe the price of admission to their family home and father is accepting the OW? That truly sucks. It sounds like you’re rocking your new life, other than this whole wondering about some psycho’s motivations. I hope they figure it out.
I know that’s not the issue you wrote in about, but I’m still sending you (((hugs))) on that painful situation.
On to the question you asked — why do affair partners stalk?
Why does anyone stalk? Control. Trying to control the uncontrollable you.
You can’t successfully mindfuck anyone without information. It’s a bomb without a target. Like, you could insult my shoes and I really don’t care about my shoes. (I’ve been wearing the same pair of pink Birkenstocks throughout the pandemic.) I’m not someone who gives a great deal of thought to my shoes, and so withering commentary about how my feet are shod will not hurt me.
Bomb misses target.
But if you had better intelligence, you could find my vulnerabilities.
Of course, affair partners always have the upper hand on chumps here, because cheaters share so much with them. They devalue, of course, half the shit may be utter fiction, but cheaters do share actual life circumstances and intimacies with their fuckbuddies. It’s part of the thrill — I know something you don’t know I know. It’s a power high. A perch of superiority. A sniper’s nest.
Naturally, chumps feel conspired against. It’s worse than the sexual betrayal. Which is why no contact is ESSENTIAL. Deny fuckwits your head space. Don’t give the raw materials to manipulate you. Don’t explain your feelings. They don’t care, they just want to weaponize it.
So, this OW, she clearly doesn’t want to be your friend. She wants intelligence. She wants to keep “winning” the Pick Me dance. Thus the social media requests. And the weird-ass I AM READING YOUR DAUGHTER’S EMAILS mindfuckery.
My guess is she misses the centrality, and she really needs that if she’s going to keep up her illusion that your ex is some prize.
I’m just curious what drives the “winner” of the Pick Me Dance to keep on being so insecure and territorial.
The proper answer to this question is — who cares? Probably the same pathology that made her an affair partner. Who wants to go through life feeling insecure and territorial? Sounds exhausting.
Untangling skeins is a coping mechanism. Maybe it feels helpful to consider what makes her tick. But I really think when it comes to fuckwits, what you see is what you get. She’s someone capable of writing “I will take your family away.” Do you need to know more? She’s a two-bit Snidely Whiplash. Someone no deeper than her basest, most reptilian impulses. I want that, I’ll take that.
Judge her by her actions. Judge your ex by his actions — he was quite willing to blow up his life for this freak. Now they’ve got each other and a hundred acres of self-serving justifications.
Consider also, that your ex probably enjoys the Pick Me dance. OW enjoyed it as long as she thought she was winning it, but the Pick Me dance is about the continued existence of the Pick Me dance — goading your partner into performance mode. Feeling off balance and insecure is the desired effect. (More kibbles! Maximize production!) The OW may think you’re a threat because you were the old threat. She chose a life with a man she can’t trust. That is her punishment.
She may keep trying to rattle your resolve and assault your boundaries. Just keep the no contact strong. With any luck, maybe she’ll fall backwards into a manure lagoon.