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Why Do Affair Partners Stalk Chumps?

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Untangling the skein of fuckupednessHi Chump Lady,

Life is good at five years post-divorce. I haven’t talked to or seen ex since the settlement signing/final appearance in front of a judge. The few post-settlement issues have been resolved at my end by telephone court appearance, which is nice because there is no way in hell I’d be able otherwise.

My question has to do with former affair partner-now spouse’s behavior. While the divorce wasn’t finalized she was brought to our farm and a big show was made of promenading her around in front of my grown family and others, shiny new appliance replacement and all that. I didn’t rise to the bait.

While I was digging woodland perennials out before relocating out of state, Ex and his schmoopie shouted to me from the nearby corn patch that I “didn’t need to spy on them” (I didn’t give a fuck, honestly). Two days before the settlement she sent a poison pen letter saying she’d enjoy “taking my family away” if I didn’t sign ex’s shitty offer. Paid no attention to that, either.

From there it’s progressed to spying on/surveiling my grown daughter’s emails, telling me “hi” in the replies just to let me know she’s reading, and sending me “friend requests” on social media (ignored and blocked)

I’m just curious what drives the “winner” of the Pick Me Dance to keep on being so insecure and territorial. I’ve never once spoken to her personally, never invited these strange responses, and am just bemused why it continues to be happening. She won her dreamboat, and is living in the house I once cherished on land I had hoped to caretake. And?

I have my own place now, a tiny little cabin on a piece of land about the same size as what I left. It’s cheaper, less crowded by suburbia, and blissfully free of fuckwits. So I miss nothing, except occasionally the adult offspring who sided with their father. Even that, I’ve largely decided not to bother me because they’re adults who made up their own minds.

Why do APs stalk? Insecurity? Sick kicks? Still looking to fuel the new union with mister wonderful?

signed,

Busy Farmer

Dear Busy Farmer,

I’m really sorry about your kids. Please keep the lines of communication open. Maybe the price of admission to their family home and father is accepting the OW? That truly sucks. It sounds like you’re rocking your new life, other than this whole wondering about some psycho’s motivations. I hope they figure it out.

I know that’s not the issue you wrote in about, but I’m still sending you (((hugs))) on that painful situation.

On to the question you asked — why do affair partners stalk?

Why does anyone stalk? Control. Trying to control the uncontrollable you.

You can’t successfully mindfuck anyone without information. It’s a bomb without a target. Like, you could insult my shoes and I really don’t care about my shoes. (I’ve been wearing the same pair of pink Birkenstocks throughout the pandemic.) I’m not someone who gives a great deal of thought to my shoes, and so withering commentary about how my feet are shod will not hurt me.

Bomb misses target.

But if you had better intelligence, you could find my vulnerabilities.

Of course, affair partners always have the upper hand on chumps here, because cheaters share so much with them. They devalue, of course, half the shit may be utter fiction, but cheaters do share actual life circumstances and intimacies with their fuckbuddies. It’s part of the thrill — I know something you don’t know I know. It’s a power high. A perch of superiority. A sniper’s nest.

Naturally, chumps feel conspired against. It’s worse than the sexual betrayal. Which is why no contact is ESSENTIAL. Deny fuckwits your head space. Don’t give the raw materials to manipulate you. Don’t explain your feelings. They don’t care, they just want to weaponize it.

So, this OW, she clearly doesn’t want to be your friend. She wants intelligence. She wants to keep “winning” the Pick Me dance. Thus the social media requests. And the weird-ass I AM READING YOUR DAUGHTER’S EMAILS mindfuckery.

My guess is she misses the centrality, and she really needs that if she’s going to keep up her illusion that your ex is some prize.

I’m just curious what drives the “winner” of the Pick Me Dance to keep on being so insecure and territorial.

The proper answer to this question is — who cares? Probably the same pathology that made her an affair partner. Who wants to go through life feeling insecure and territorial? Sounds exhausting.

Untangling skeins is a coping mechanism. Maybe it feels helpful to consider what makes her tick. But I really think when it comes to fuckwits, what you see is what you get. She’s someone capable of writing “I will take your family away.” Do you need to know more? She’s a two-bit Snidely Whiplash. Someone no deeper than her basest, most reptilian impulses. I want that, I’ll take that.

Judge her by her actions. Judge your ex by his actions — he was quite willing to blow up his life for this freak. Now they’ve got each other and a hundred acres of self-serving justifications.

Consider also, that your ex probably enjoys the Pick Me dance. OW enjoyed it as long as she thought she was winning it, but the Pick Me dance is about the continued existence of the Pick Me dance — goading your partner into performance mode. Feeling off balance and insecure is the desired effect. (More kibbles! Maximize production!) The OW may think you’re a threat because you were the old threat. She chose a life with a man she can’t trust. That is her punishment.

She may keep trying to rattle your resolve and assault your boundaries. Just keep the no contact strong. With any luck, maybe she’ll fall backwards into a manure lagoon.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • My guesses either A: ex is still pretending that you are important to him in some way to make her jealous. B: he’s communicating with another affair partner and pretending it’s you. C: she is trying to show everyone in the family how nice and gracious she is by reaching out to be your friend and how you are so cold and mean for turning her down at every turn.

    Whatever the case – not your problem to deal with.

    • Well said! She will be made to feel like the most important thing in his life… until she isn’t. That may already be starting and she may be trying to get ahead of perceived threats. Or she has to look like the one who reached out and got snubbed. Or like you said his ex-wife is an easy target to pin all sorts of things on. Good riddance!

      On a quasi-related note, the AP who knowingly went after my ex despite knowing he was married hates me and thinks I’m the devil (honey has apparently been spinning lots of yarns) Yet her mom sent me a friend request on Facebook. Never met her or the AP once. I am just the woman who her daughter pointed and laughed at while experiencing the most excruciating ghosting of my life by my husband of 14 years. We had a one and a two-year-old and he moved across the country away from all of us. Soon after, the APs mom got a sticker on the back of her truck featuring my children. You know those stickers that show like a stick figure mom dad and children? She got one that said grandma and put my kids next to her other grandkids. Freaks. All of them.

      • Asshat married unmarried 54 HoWorker/Wife and her never a grandma mother is on a text stream with my kids. It’s so hurtful because I asked for a continuance two weeks before our final divorce hearing when my mother was dying. Asshat didn’t believe me and went to my mothers locked facility (hadn’t seen her in well over a year) and broke in, hugging (assaulting) her on her death bed.

        So infuriating that these monsters want to pretend to play happy pattycake family with my kids. I have friends who don’t understand and think I should be happy that someone wants to “love” my children. They just don’t get narcissistic abuse.

        They are sick twisted FWs.

  • “She’s someone capable of writing “I will take your family away.” Do you need to know more? She’s a two-bit Snidely Whiplash. Someone no deeper than her basest, most reptilian impulses. I want that, I’ll take that.”

    Yes, this.

    Im also terribly gratified to be in a group of people who likely know who Snidely Whiplash is.

    Busy Farmer, I understand your query but I join the chorus of
    “You just keep on being your own wonderful self”.

  • I would add, if you’re dealing with scary stalking, call the police and research stalking laws in your area.

    Also consider having your lawyer write a letter and send it to their home and work addresses and cc the police. This is the first step of filing permanent harassment charges. A shot across the bow. (I had to do this.)

    In this letter, I don’t think social media friend requests rise to the level. But don’t underestimate the crazy if you’re frightened by this person. The Pick Me dance can have dangerous consequences.

    • I was thinking she is now the OW, and wants to keep a line of communication with the ex wife to ask questions and commiserate. Doesn’t matter……the ex wife still owes her nothing!

      • What goes around comes around like the chains on a chainsaw.

        I’d pay zero attention to the home wrecker and as for how she took OP’s family, it’s says it all that the AP could not manage to land a single man. Simple trash is all they are.

  • The OW in my life (well, the LAST OW in a long series) stalked me all over town. I couldn’t go to the mall, or the grocery, or the bookstore without her popping up. I could not figure out how she was doing it. For a while, I thought it was because I had to drive down a main road near her apartment and she was watching for me, but I finally realized, after discarding the cellphone we kept in the car console, that she’d put some sort of tracking device on that phone! Probably while “going to Nashville to get the car worked on” with my FW. Why follow me around? I discovered she had a long history of affairs with married men, followed by her telling the wife all about it. Her popping up everywhere was step one in raising red flags in my marriage, followed at the end by her telephoning me late at night, breathing heavily, then hanging up just as her answering machine played its message identifying her. DDay is 10 years in the past, but I recently was informed she’d had her hair done just like mine, and trust me, my hairstyle is NOT common. Accept that these people are deeply disturbed and deeply weird. I’m considering moving towns…I did move my office location to get away from “accidental” contacts in hallways.

      • I got a concealed carry license. It is tough and scary. I literally could not go to the grocery and get through check out without meeting her coming in the door. Such a lot of effort on her part. And I am just one in a series of women she’s done this to.

    • My FW and the Wifetress largely ignore me and likely just consider me an monthly bill for child support (which he’s supposed to pay but it’s always delivered from her bank account), for which I am grateful. I am so happy that they ignore me; it’s a blessing.

      The hairstyle thing though? I did notice, a couple years ago, that she adopted a similar hairstyle to one that I’ve had since 1999. Noticing that made me all twisty in the stomach and I make sure I don’t accidentally walk by the window during kid pickup anymore; I don’t want to see any more.

    • I’m sorry you went through that. Ex FW’s OW, who had a history of mental instability and violent behavior, used her job as a data specialist to glean additional information about me, which she then used to stalk me and my relatives (I suspect she’s done similar with the partners of the other men she’s cheated with).

      Unfortunately I think this sort of behavior is far more pervasive than society, family courts and the criminal justice system – all who tend to minimize the abuse that is part and parcel with infidelity – are willing to acknowledge.

    • I don’t give even one shit about last OW, the weirdo neighbor, anymore, but- one thing she did when we were in the thick of it was, to start dressing like me 😂 I have to wear scrubs to work, and she started wearing them too, for absolutely no reason. It was ridiculous.

      • 🤣 That is so ridiculous. I almost just Ritter-sprayed my water I was just drinking. Scrubs. bwahahaha These people have no kidding mental health issues. Normal people just don’t do the crazy things they do.

    • Same here– after D-Day when Shmoops got dumped and I temporarily agreed (bleh) to wreck-conciliation with FW, Shmoops began attempting to wear her hair like mine.

      I also have very distinct hair and naturally verge on the skinny side (which FW began criticizing me for along with everything else during his affair). I don’t know if the AP’s rapid freaky weight loss was also an attempt to emulate or just a stress reaction, but the latter is also scary– self-destructive rage turned outward can become murderous, etc. In any case, the radical change in the AP’s wardrobe couldn’t have been accidental. The whole effect looked awkward, nutty and unhealthy. She suddenly appeared in new work bio photos with the skin starting to hang off her formerly puffy face and neck and these weird hair extensions. Very disconcerting, especially if you ever saw the old 90s slasher film “Single White Female.”

      On the advice of an attorney friend who also had her masters in a clinical therapeutic specialty, I had hired a PI to uncover the affair and then had the detective check out Shmoop’s background for any hints of criminal or psychiatric history, whether she or her family kept guns around, history of addiction, debt, etc. Even the PI and the divorce attorney I retained remarked on the emulation and signs the AP was starting to lose it gave me a stern warning to get a security system immediately installed, check the car for tampering and to lock down all my accounts.

      In retrospect, I don’t really regret the otherwise time-wasting detour into wreck-conciliation therapy because FW doing that “full disclosure” confessional bit brought to light more relevant facts that put me in a better position to determine marital asset dissipation, assess risks and protect myself and the children in the case anyone went postal, and ultimately to get a better settlement without much of a fight. My lawyer was happy since the more evidence and verified dirt you come in with, the easier the lawyer’s job is. Good attorneys, like good cab drivers, prefer a high turnover of clients. The attorney correctly predicted that the threat of deposing the AP would make FW more compliant.

      Another important benefit of getting the dirt was that, once all the nasty facts about the affair and the AP were let out into the air, it’s as if FW suddenly realized he was playing handball with a live grenade. He got scared. He paranoically blocked the AP after sending the boilerplate “Fuck off, my wife knows everything” email to the AP, changed his travel routes and routines, etc. According to the AP’s all-caps protests and whining to co-workers, that chapter really appeared to be over and I didn’t have to worry so much about the bent AP eventually having contact with my kids. It may be that FW will eventually move on but at least it won’t be with a person who had such a strange, invested hatred or fixation towards me and the children.

      As it happened, Shmoops was pretty unstable and weirdly hostile towards me all along despite having never met me. She had hacked all of FW’s devices to obsessively scour for family photos and communications. So, as much as it creeped me out and added to the already awful post-D-Day head films and sense of privacy violation, I didn’t regret getting a “danger profile” of Shmoops either. She turned out to be a bit gray on that score. History of drug use, alcohol abuse, high-risk sex, addictive spending, hysteria and eating disorders, but no discernable adult criminal history. Better to err on the side of caution. I got security systems, locked down accounts and got every STI test known to man, including the Western blot HSV test.

      There’s also one final odd benefit of holding dirt over the heads of people who might have been dangerous to you: though they might start out stalkery and fantasize about running you over in a parking lot, the idea of having all their dirty secrets publicly disclosed is somehow abhorrent to them and can act as a deterrent. I still keep my guard up a bit but my gut tells me the risk has faded.

      All in all, I can never forgive FW for even making me and the kids wonder if we were in danger from a bunny boiler.

      • Good Lord, I empathise ladies! Back in the spring of 2018, a time when I was still blissfully and wilfully ignorant, I received bizarre text messages and phone calls two to three times per week for a period of six weeks. All were from anonymous numbers, and came between 1 and 3 am. The last straw was when a message suggested that I should kill myself. I went to the authorities, and reported the calls and messages. I also told my husband who pretended not to know anything! Indeed! It was his bloody Spanish trollop who looks like a skanky Bulgarian sex worker who’s spent the last decade in the cheapest brothel to be found.

        She too has a history of pursuing married men plus a long list of criminal behaviour including blackmail, extortion, visa fraud, and document forgery. After I uncovered their unsavoury activities, she preemptively blocked me on all social media, but I used a backup profile to get more information. She had been spying on me since early 2016! She had copied hair styles, purchased identical clothes, similar jewellery, and even added the same books and films to her profile. She even followed my family to Austria (were on holiday there) in early 2016 in the hopes of running into my then husband.
        He claimed he never met her there. I don’t believe a word.

        I contacted her now ex-husband after I found out about this mess, and he and I stayed in touch. We never met in person, and I would not call us friends, but he told me that she’s been unstable all her life. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (officially diagnosed), Borderline Personality Disorder, and psychopathic tendencies. As late as October 2019, she left vile messages on my company’s social media sites and the contact form. I had to have Spanish police hand-deliver a cease-and-desist letter in front of her family before she finally stopped harassing me. I would have paid money to get a livestream of the delivery, just to see her fat, pimply face with its blue eyeshadow up to the eyebrows fall…She was in a psychiatric hospital a few months ago after a faked suicide attempt with vitamin C pills!!! Anything to get some attention.

  • I’m curious how she can access your grown daughter’s emails.

    Does your daughter live with them?
    Can’t she lock her email account?
    Or set up a new account?
    An email account that she only accesses from a school/library/friends computer so it never shows on her history.
    How about a burner phone just for you and your daughter (taking a page from the cheater playbook)?

    Depending on your daughter’s age, she is certainly entitled to privacy.

    I’d focus on the positive path towards open communication with your daughter versus why the OW is obsessed with you.

    • This makes sense to me.

      Like CL, I am so sorry your adult children are not able to have boundaries that protects their relationship to you. Big hugs on that front.

  • Dear Busy Farmer,

    She does this because you are the oxygen that keeps their relationship flame going. Deprived of the bellows (you), they are left with their smoldering selves. If you stay the NC course, I suspect they’ll burn themselves out.

    Good luck.

    • I didn’t know about the trianle thing, and most anything else when I went through itl.

      I had mentioned before that the fw came by one day, no long after the legal separation was in place and gently started to chastise me because whore was getting telephone calls. I stared him down and said I have never called whore. I also told him you know darn well I haven’t, and that I wouldn’t give either of you the satisfaction. Hell I had never even called him except to tell him to file for the D so we could get our finances separated.

      I never once called him after he left, to beg him, talk to him or make any connection at all. Mostly because I was in shock; and just surviving on fumes.

      He hung his head and walked away. He knew damn well that it was not me. That was the last I heard of any calls Honestly I never thought a lot about it after that; but a year or so later I wondered if it was his mother calling (if indeed there were any calls). He was ignoring his mom, and his mom was about to go nuts not knowing where he was. But, I really don’t think it was her either. She wouldn’t have remained silent about it.

      Now that I understand what cheating is all about though, I think it is more likely that she or he just made it up to because now that they were no longer sneaking around and the whole city knew what they were, the blind passion was waning.

      Lol, I am betting whore didn’t look near as enticing in the glaring light of day.

      • I always said that she was very attractive from the top of her head.
        Regarding “stalking”, I never felt that. Although, I did have four separate incidents of vandalism to my property once their affair was exposed.
        She does have a young son who has spent time in the Alternate School system and later in a Juvenile Detention Center!
        And, unfortunately, I have two adult sons that have accepted their father’s adultery and could care less about it’s impact on me or our family.

    • Exactly. OW & ex cheater need to keep the drama going to keep the relationship alive. The cheaters have been together for at least 5 years and ex cheater husband is more than likely bored or annoyed with OW by now so she could be feeling desperate and insecure. Whatever that’s their problem, but OW is quite the mental mess and Busy Farmer should document and take her stalking seriously.

    • So true. You’ve really honed that concept into a compact, easily understood gem of insight. I’ve seen similar clinical descriptions of this but the psychobabble presentation isn’t nearly as digestible as your clear, plain-language treatment of it. I know from personal experience that newly minted chumps can especially benefit from condensed and buffered nuggets of information, especially in the early throes of shock and chaos when nothing makes sense. Then someone comes along with a relevant and polished thought bomb and– boom– your brain suddenly snaps into a more ordered state. That there’s some fine processing. 😉

    • Exactly! They were exciting to each other because of YOU. Which is a mind-fuck – knowing that hurting you is the source of their pleasure.

      She’s trying to keep that hurtful flame burning. She wants validation that you are still hurting. Because if you’re not then she didn’t “win” any dance.

  • Affairs are not relationships. They are games. The game requires three players. Without the third player the buzz is harshed. The game is not fun and exciting anymore. The thrill is gone. Cue B. B. King. If there’s a “why”, that’s it. IMHO.

    The way the chump upsets the Apple cart and wins the game is to drop the rope and walk away. No contact. Or if you have children, absolute minimal contact. I wouldn’t compete for a date with Ted Bundy or financial consult with Bernie Madoff.

    If this was my last day on earth (and it might be, because none of us control when our appointment is) would I want to schedule some time for people who poured gasoline all over me and set me on fire? No. This woman scheduled HER WHOLE LIFE with an Olympic level jerk. And so did he, BTW. How cheating and running off with someone who would cheat with you is supposed to be an upward move is a delusion I am thankful I do not suffer from.

    “Why?” is not a spiritual question. One that is a waste of time trying to answer.

    I was out on a walk the other day and passed an outdoor exercise class. One of the women, who looked to be much younger than me, was on the ground, in full cardiac arrest, heart stopped. No one had been doing CPR on her. I happened upon the scene just as the paramedics arrived which is why I didn’t have to pull out the CPR training from my memory banks. They had to stop several times to resume CPR efforts on the fifteen foot trip to the ambulance. I don’t know if she made it.

    Schedule your time today with people who care about you. Wondering takes time. Figuring out takes time. Don’t let assholes have any more of your extremely valuable non-refundable time.

    • PS…

      The OW being all twitchy and hyper vigilant, her victim taking up real estate in her mind, free of charge, is the consequence of her dumbass decision. She signed up for your seat in hell. A person with a history of infidelity is a poor choice for a life partner, as is someone who screws around with people in committed relationships. This is also a consolation prize for the chump.
      The chump is the only player in the game who gets to achieve true peace of mind, which to me is the ultimate prize.

      IMHO.

      • Hear! hear!

        Also, I’m in total agreement with you on the need for the threesome (or, better yet, a foursome in the case of the AP who is also married).

        My ex and his AP kept asking me if I’d contacted her husband. “Uh, no. That would be a no.” Then my ex said, “If you do contact that guy (AP’s husband), he’ll come after us, and you’ll have blood on your hands.”

        Shortly thereafter, I said, “I don’t care what you two do or where you go.” At this, my ex was pissed.

        Dropping the rope ends the sicko game. Mic drop. I win! Enjoy your shitty selves and your relationship that was born of lust and lies.

        • Blood on your hands. Hoo boy. What a drama king. It’s a 99% certainty that was total bullshit.

          Mine tried to convince me not to tell AP’s husband he had a serial cheater on his hands by saying he was a violent guy and might come to our home to beat him up.
          I said I would prepared-I’d have champagne chilling just in case.
          He didn’t like that. Heh heh.
          Of course, I told, and of course, AP’s chump didn’t show up. Yeesh, what desperate gambits they pull to try to get you to keep their secrets.

          I love how Busy Farmer is frustrating that weirdo by not giving a damn about her. Drives them bonkers more than anything. Mighty AF.

          • Yeah, FW tried to argue for my silence by saying that Smoop’s dad might come after him because the dad maybe kinda had something to do with the military.

            I just started laughing. If FW was so terrified of military dads, you’d think he’d have been terrified of my 6’2″, Purple Heart-awarded combat vet father. And if he was so terrified the AP was from a violently criminal background, how could he knowingly have put the kids and I in the line of fire by getting involved with such a shady individual? But nope, neither of those scenarios ever occurred to him. You can never rely on a FW to accurately identify where real danger lurks.

            The risk did occur to me though and I had the AP thoroughly checked out on the advice of attorneys. It turned out Shmoop’s dad was in his sixties, about 5’5″ in cowboy boots, looked like a chubby, chinless, slope-shouldered Keebler elf with itty bitty hands, had never been in the army and had nothing to do with security or military contracting. Furthermore, the AP was hardly a teenage virgin whose daddy would defend her purity. She’d lived with a pot-addicted tattooed circus geek before the affair and complained to FW that the only thing her dad disliked about the creep was that the creep was broke. In fact, FW had disclosed the AP’s complaint that her dad was a skinflint who was sick of eternally paying off her student loans, condo and car payments and that he probably wanted to unload her on anyone else who would.

            As I mentioned in another comment, it turned out that, if there was any real risk of violence, it would more likely come from the nutty AP herself, in which case warning others and seeking protection was still the safest solution. It also turned out the AP had the biggest mouth of all. I don’t know if FW was simply trying to manipulate me into silence, or transferring that sense of creepery from the AP to her leprechaun dad as a way to continue idealizing the affair and infusing it with artificial thrilz, externalizing the threat of his colleagues finding out from the bigmouthed AP to me, or if he was just narc-illy generating drama so he could feel like a sought-after princess in a tower beset by ogres.

            • “She’d lived with a pot-addicted tattooed circus geek”
              😆
              If she was anything other than a fuckwit that would surprise me. You don’t get a lot of circus geek, not even in cheater stories, so thanks for that. Best laugh of the day.

              “I don’t know if FW was simply trying to manipulate me into silence, or transferring that sense of creepery from the AP to her leprechaun dad as a way to continue idealizing the affair and infusing it with artificial thrilz, externalizing the threat of his colleagues finding out from the bigmouthed AP to me, or if he was just narc-illy generating drama so he could feel like a sought-after princess in a tower beset by ogres.”

              I’ll take a flyer and go for all of the above.
              I love the way you express yourself, btw. You have quite a way with words.

      • “The chump is the only player in the game who gets to achieve true peace of mind.”

        Hear, hear! Well put!

    • …..or the simple answer, because they’re not well people. As my therapist and Dr. Frank Pittman says, “Wonderful people do not screw around with married people, and wonderful married people do not screw around.”

      Yes, it really is that simple.

      I highly recommend reading Dr. Frank Pittman’s work. It’s been a huge consolation for me.

      • TYPO..

        “….or the simple answer? Because they’re not well people.”

        Punctuation, like truth and fidelity, makes all the difference…..

      • Very similar to two things my therapist said.

        “Influence is normal. Manipulation is not.”

        “Some people just shouldn’t be married. Your ex is one of them.”

  • me and fuckwit split 8 years ago, we live 2 miles apart. the ow still hangs around. she probably thinks on the off chance he will turn up. years ago she would scream outside the house several times. they probably want to embarrass you. you have to be deluded to think there a good prospect. They do think they have won. They know secrets about your ex. that you dont. That is where they have you. they have to tell them there good at sex, when they probably arent. I, unfortunately, know a few from my local area. they dump there kids, have more. from my exs ow, sts[s]. pregnancy never mind the kids they have already. incidentally fuckwit always stuck up for ow, he asked me to feel sorry for her. he was proud she dumped her kids,. he asked me to share him, i get bills she gets the money. there both fuckwits.
    what I know from ow, they worship men, are not fond of contraception, abuse drugs and alcohol, dump there kids

  • Yes, yes, and yes… obviously, you are central to the triangulation that created their “shadowed” love affair… now that you’re gone, their undies are in a bunch because they are stuck with each other and you’re blissfully farming.

    I am sorry about your adult kiddos, tough shitsandwich that one. Hopefully, they’ll realize any inheritance isn’t worth the insanity, but everyone has their own journey through this mire.

    A long time ago, I had to step away from the OW narrative. As CL writes… he/she will know infinitely more about you and your marriage to the fuckwit (truth notwithstanding) than they should… but that is the gas to the fire that is their burning love… “my love is better, I’ll save you from that misery, oh my how awful – here, I’ll take care of you”… burp.

    I’ll offer you this from a letter the OW sent me six months after she broke up with Mr. Sparkles (he was cheating on her, go figure)… “everything he told me about you were lies and mistruths”… “I can see now how you were trying to warn me”… “I’m sorry for disrespecting you.”

    The current GF/fiance/victim thinks I a bitter homophobic ex-wife still trying to “interfere” in their lives because all five of my adult stepkids have kept me in their lives (and come for Sunday dinner because I’m the only parent who makes them). And, if you have ever seen me supporting my gay friends at bingo (OOOOOOOOOO 69!)… you’d know she couldn’t be more wrong. And that is the twist… whoever the next person is after you/us HAS TO BELIEVE we were awful on some level or else why would their shiny new BF/GF be available and chasing after them so ardently… it couldn’t be instead because that chaser is a NPD fuckwit going after a tennis ball like a dog?

    Keeping tilling your own soil. Fuck them and their stalking.

    • THANK YOU for the dog/tennis ball visual. I agree. Visuals and metaphors are very helpful.

      Squirrel!

      I also think that once we find out who they really are, we become the Ones Who Know More….the cheating accomplice is drinking Kool-Aid to stay in denial about Mr/Ms Traitor.

      • I really know nothing about the OW beyond what my ex told me.

        But here’s what I do know, which gives me power and psychological clarity: she knowingly–KNOWINGLY–went after a married man, slept in my bed, conspired in the fraud, cheated on her own husband, lied to her kids, and tried to take my place. I know she feigned a suicide attempt when my ex and I went out for a drink (UGH! mistake) when we were grieving the sudden death of our dog a few weeks after Dday. She’s morally corrupt and seems unstable and manipulative.

        She may know intimate things about me, and surely my ex has lied about me to justify his shitty behavior, but I am on the Iron Throne of Knowledge because I KNOW she sucks.

  • Dear Fellow Farmer,

    Reading your letter my heart sank about losing your farm, so I was relieved to learn at the end of it that you have your very own FW-free farm now. I too left a house that I cherish, but I LOVE my tiny new house. With the leftover cash from selling the house I owned with sparkledick and that I got in the divorce, I bought a small farm, my dream.

    I think OW stalks you because she is mediocre and unsure of herself. And I bet she is lazy, so the easiest path to feel powerful is to stalk you. Hahaha, an excellent farmer she will be… Forget her (unless she becomes dangerous).

    Rebecca asked above how OW can read your daughter’s email. Does your daughter know this is going on?

    Sorry about your children taking sides with a FW. I bet FW LIES to them so I hope their eyes open ASAP. Ask me how I know…

    Bountiful harvests to you!

  • Busy Farmer, you are a gracious and dignified person. You must be a frustrating ‘enemy’ for Schmoopie. No matter how hard she tries, you show her that you don’t care. But you’re supposed to care. She won the star prize, the precious hunk of manhood that was yours. You’re acting as if she won a wooden spoon, a sparkly turd. How do you think she feels, to have her winnings disrespected by you OF ALL PEOPLE. You’ve got ideas ABOVE your station. It must be annoying and upsetting for her, when she should be free to feel her twin flame burning brightly, in harmony with the universe. You must try harder to give a FF. Poor form, Busy Farmer. 0 points. You really should spend less time being a busy farmer in your beautiful plot of land and in your perfect cabin. Being productive, contributing positivity to the world. You need to spend more time giving a toss about prize winners. After all, they are entitled.

    • MW. Great advice. I needed to read exactly this, right now. I’ve written this in my note book to re read again and again 👍🏼

    • Lol– “twin fwames.” That concept is big with meth-billies, dim reality TV types and teenagers these days. It has a depressing Jerry Springer ring to it. It makes me want to join a movement to improve secondary education. Maybe adultery is just one symptom of the larger social crisis that so many never learn to think.

  • My ex’s AP stalked me for years. Hell, she’s probably still doing it. Friend requests from her and her friends and family, calls from blocked numbers (which I never answered), and so on.
    Whenever they were having problems, it was obvious because she would ramp up the crazy. It used to bother me, but I honestly could not care less these days. Wasted a little headspace until I realized how pathetic it was that she bothered caring so much about what was going on in my life when I cared so little about either of their lives. It comes from a place of total insecurity and I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to care. Meh

  • I suspect she haunts you because it drives her crazy that you refuse to acknowledge her “victory.” She can’t feel like she “won” unless you are lying in the dust at her feet. You moved on to a satisfying life; she is still wallowing in the mud.

    Triangulation and hoovering by either the OW/OM or ex are different sides of the same coin. They need a drama-filled chaotic life. We want our peace.

    • Chaos and emotional angst are what makes the zombies feel alive. It was SO EXHAUSTING to be married to that! Whew, so much better now!

  • I suspect that even though she “won” the turd she still feels like she’ll never measure up to you.

    And she’ll correct…she won’t…because she’s a cheap piece of trash. Deep down she knows it.

    • Yeah. I think this is true. Deep down they know they are trash.

      Heck, even my ex asked via email if I thought he was trash. This man who thought his sh*t didn’t stink and acted morally superior to all was reduced to asking his wife (who’d just found out he had an affair) if she thought he was trash.

      I didn’t respond, so he doubled down and asked again, this time with the added, “Do I deserve to live?” (He knew I would take this verbal bait because he has immediate family members who’ve committed suicide.) I wrote: “Yes, you deserve to live.” But I didn’t address the trash part, which infuriated him. The truth hurts.

      I hope they know they suck. Deep down they probably do. But they also probably engage in some Olympic-level mental gymnastics (which must involve an elaborate chump-trashing floor exercise) to keep their egos from falling.

    • I agree. Initially, after the divorce was final I was still in touch with my former mother-in-law. Today, not so much because we no longer have anything in common, not because of animosity (they’re great people and I know I was very lucky to have their support for years later). She would tell me how scared Shrek looked everytime I was mentioned. Mother-in-law believes that she will always fear xhole coming back to me because he Initially tossed her under the bus and ran her over a few times. Unlike some affair situations, I kicked him out and helped him pack. He “returned” to Shrek by default. Father-in-law has mentioned several times that xhole would come running back if I’d ever take him back.
      They know they are on borrowed time. Eventually the OW/OM will get replaced.

  • Reading this letter, and these responses, sure puts some things into perspective for me. Aside from one initial bit of social media hacking into my account after FW moved into GF#3’s house (my passwords and accounts were quickly changed and I learned the fine art of blocking), FW and GF#3/Wifetress have, by and large, left me alone. I think I am nothing more than a “near-to-full time childcare with a small monthly child support bill” (an expense they share as a household one instead of it just being his responsibility) square on the ledger of their lives.

    Logically I knew how important it was that No Contact was reciprocated on their end but after reading the responses here today I know I am very lucky indeed that FW and Wifetress aren’t trying to actively centralize me in their lives (that I know of) anymore.

    Godspeed to all chumps who have to deal with the garbage of continued harrassment from the people who did their level best to destroy you initially. And Godspeed to future me because I know my time for contact (with potential harrassment) with FW/Wifetress will come. I read your stories about how you hold your heads high with dignity and take it as inspiration.

  • My adult children also sided with FW. And this is the part of the whole scenario that makes my head spin and my heart break. I did not expect it at all. It makes the last 35 plus years for nothing as he told me from the beginning that I was free to leave anytime I wanted to but he would take the kids from me. Now that I am out from under his abuse…..that statement speaks volumes about what he really thought about me all along. I never believed he could or would do it. He did. I should have walked out long ago.

    He has always shown the kids that I was a wife appliance. He taught them how to treat me. I was so desperate to be loved that I accepted it from all of them and kept going forward, trying to be happy with the crumbs they tossed at me. And I ramped up my service and love to them higher and higher – just trying to get love back. It was all for nothing.

    It feels like bizzarro world. Chumpnation understands. Most days I still struggle with the pain and confusion.

    And at this point, even if my adult children were to suddenly have an awakening, my heart and mind are certain they are not my friends or family. They are people who proved, with facts and actions and voice, over a year of time of me pleading for their love, just what they really think of me. You can never un see that. The checkout person at the grocery store line is a better bet for me to invest in a relationship with if I choose to add someone into my life.

    • So sorry, this exact thing happened to a cousin of mine. And when she finally remarried, _her ex stalked her_. She and her new husband had to move to an undisclosed location out of state.

      • I think about this. Sadly, I think about – any new guy who would treat me right – I would not want him to meet my adult children. I wouldn’t want my adult children to have an opinion of him. I wouldn’t want him to have to show respect to them….and if he’s a great guy he would be trying to do that. I wouldn’t want my adult children to think they had a nickel’s worth of say in my new relationship or the life I am rebuilding.

    • Hi Tallgrass:

      I think it is too soon to give up on your children. It takes a long time to grow up when you grow up in disorder, because the energy for emotional maturation is directed towards survival. When they have children, they may begin to see what goes into being a good parent, and their view of the whole situation may reorient towards the truth. You just keep being a sane and steady Northstar of a person, and trust that they will come seek you out when they are healthier. Because they were also raised by you, half their genetic heritage is yours, and beauty and integrity have a way of winning the long game.

      • CL says “you breed with a fuckwit, you give birth to fuckwits.” I’m thankful to her for stating this fact in such blunt terms. My counselor feels a lot like you do…..that my half of their genetic heritance will eventually win out. I no longer hold that fantasy because I think it is a waste of what little bit of mental and emotional bandwith I have to work with right now.

        They have children. They are determined they can follow the same path and achieve a different result. This echoes my own life path – I essentially lived the same thing as a teenager with a fuckwit father who suddenly announced his schmoopie and bombed our life and home to run off with her, never looking back, never paying a dime of support. Then I was super dedicated to building a strong, safe home and family for my children, totally sacrificing myself to be 100% wife, mom and grandma. Until one day fuckwit came home to announce schmoopie. My daughter is now midway through her process and I can see her future clear as I can see my computer screen right now. But, she has no clue. Just as I had no clue. Just as my mother had no clue. Just as my granddaughters are going to have no clue…….. This is my circle of thought that keeps me from getting better.

        Thank you to chumpnation. I’m trying. I lean into you here on this site. This is a long journey.

        • I absolutely DO NOT SAY THIS.

          I do not think genetics are destiny and that if you breed with a fuckwit children are fuckwits. I say it’s a punishment. NO ONE — especially children — deserves to be vulnerable to a fuckwit.

          Children can and do rise above the injustice of a FW parent. My son did.

          If adult children side with a FW parent, that’s their own lousy character. But their DNA didn’t make them do it.

          • Now I’m crying. Thank you for jumping in with a redirect. I will have to reread and rethink.

            I tried so very, very hard to raise them with good character. The one thing that was telling was my daughter’s explanation to me at the holidays….”we’ve talked about it……how we’re not sure….how most people think an affair is not a big deal and so it must not be. Yet, we both felt something uneasy about it.” A moment of decision (your precious conscious I nurtured!) and and then they both proceeded forward double time with “an affair is not a big deal” to catch up with the herd.

            • I am sorry you are hurting so much TG.

              I can’t imagine the pain of my son turning against me.

              I did have to bite my tongue a lot in the early years, only because I didn’t want him to be caught in the middle.

              In my case he had his own issues with his dad and with schmoops, that had nothing to do with me, or even our D. His dad was not only a fw, but a very controlling pompus asshole type, and both he and schmoops were hateful to him and his wife off and on. I guess that made it easier for him to see him clearly.

              He tried to help his dad when he needed help towards the end, but he didn’t sell out to do it. His dad died in Feb, once the services were over; he gave schmoops all the POCs and info he could to help her, then he left and has not looked back. He said unless they run across each other out in public when he and his wife are in Florida, he will likely never see her again.

              I still think that you should not lose hope. Go on living your life, welcome the kids if they come to see you, but do not feel like you need to be lectured by them.

              I hope things get so much better for you.

            • Hugs to you Tallgrass.

              People can choose how to behave.

              My father weaponized my older brother against our mother in a passive aggressive way. Emotionally absent as a father and then physical abandonment. He couldn’t be bothered to “father” his son so my mother had to take on that role when my brother rebelled, hurt by our father.Drug use, academic problems, etc. Our father thought it would be a good idea to co-sign for my immature brother’s motorcycle. My brother didn’t like any boundaries and treated her like dirt. Until the day she died. When I phoned my brother to tell him our mother died, he asked me “Do you want me to fly back ?” (California to NJ) I had to clean out our childhood home that Mom got in the divorce by myself.

              My brother has a limited relationship with our father given that they live on different coasts. I cut ties a long time ago. He’s waiting for a big inheritance that won’t be coming because wife 3.0 is plotting for her own son, an attorney,to be adopted by my father.

              My mother had me until her end. My brother and I don’t have a relationship. If somebody mistreats me, I cut the rope regardless of any blood ties. It was painful but necessary for my own health.

              People who haven’t lived it don’t understand and I don’t have to explain it to them. My father dispatched a flying monkey in the shape of a private investigator a while back. The p.i. mailed a letter to me after our phone call, telling me I would regret not talking to or seeing my father again before he died. The “poor old man” sad sausage story. He shared that he met his own father only a couple of times. I was tempted to respond to the p.i. with a “Could you imagine doing THIS to your wife and kids ?!” letter. The p.i. lives in Northern California with his wife, four sons plus three foster boys and is Christian. I learned this from a GoFund account created after their house burned to the ground during a forest fire. He volunteers with the Boy Scouts and Little League. He sounds like ten times the man my father ever was. My father grew up in very comfortable circumstances but is a selfish, cruel person.

              We all choose our behavior. The age of reason starts at seven years old.

    • Aw, that really sucks tallgrass. I’m sorry. Fuckwit infected them with his shitty attitude. This is a good cautionary tale for people who stay “for the kids”.

      One of my kids was also infected and sided with FW, then when called out for it, cowardly stopped speaking to either of us and to my entire extended family. She didn’t even come to visit her dying grandmother. I’m pretty sure I’ll never see my beautiful grandchildren again.

      It is heartbreaking, but you’re right that if they bring toxicity into our lives we have to let them go. A blood relationship is not sacrosanct to them, so it shouldn’t be to us.

    • He groomed them, just like any predator grooms children. I’m sorry that they also betrayed you. And that he guided that betrayal.

      Yes, when they have children they may come to a reckoning. Or if they find themselves getting chumped, they may get clarity.

      And you would be well within your right to protect your mental health to be guarded in any new-found revelation from them.

      • I went through this as well. 4 kids married 28 years. Three of my kids have disowned him because of his behavior. My oldest son however sided with him and my son called me names and blamed me for his fathers actions. He told me I was controlling and no fun. I lost access to my 2 granddaughters since the split 6 years ago. The ex married the troll and they have gotten all the invites to the grandkids parties etc. It has been extremely painful to be excluded. Then miraculously, my son reached out to my Dad. My dad who is 89 told him that if he wanted a relationship with him that he needed to apologize to me. This past June, my son showed up on my doorstep and offered the most heartfelt apology. I told him that he didnt have to do it if he didnt want to. He said he needed to. It brought tears to my eyes when he sat in front of me and my dad and apologized for disrespecting me. How he sees as a father that he would never want his girls treated so badly. I just could hardly believe what I was hearing. I was told to not ever call him or ask to see the girls so I had been praying for so long for peace and mending of our relationship. My son just turned 29 and I am very proud of him. Sometimes, we just have to wait until they are ready to see the truth. Please guard your heart but don’t give up hope!

        • Thanks for sharing this. I am so happy that your good parenting finally paid off. I hope you are feeling more peaceful now that you have a good relationship with all four of your kids!

        • My 90 year old mentor (replacement father, as much as he can be because he has his own large, loving family!) was the one who told me early on that I needed to cut ties……that he wished he had a chance to tell my son exactly what your dad said to your son. He told me that my son owed me a huge apology and he is disgusted that my son was raised by a man who never treated his wife the way a man should treat someone he loves.

          Grandpa (my stepdad) has been gone since my son was 10. Grandpa would have helped my son see this. There is no one to teach my son. The biggest proof is that he also recently lost his marriage……for physical abuse. His wife didn’t agree with his beliefs on how she should be treated. The difference is that she didn’t tolerate it for 40 years. She called a spade a spade and made no excuses for his disrespect and crazy mean behavior.

    • Oh, Tallgrass,

      You wrote succinctly exactly how I feel but just did not have the words to express it. My life has taken on a horrid quality as my two daughters have betrayed me as well, my story is eerily similar to yours.

      On top of this, my son had a massive brain aneurysm at 17 and nearly died last month. My daughters were comforting the affair partner when I walked into the room to see my son on life support. It was like watching a horror movie, except it was my life.

      I feel like you in that I feel better off being with strangers than with them. I had a dream that I remarried and my new husband had nice children who loved me. Do not know if that will happen, but I do know I am done with these kids. Some of the stories do give me hope, but I fear they are on the psychopathic spectrum like their father and not worth waiting around for.

      • Geniebobeanie – you hit on my deepest fear. I have had premonitions of a grandchild in the emergency room and schmoopie being comforted by my adult children. It feels like I am preparing for a test….would I drive to the ER and walk in to something that will most likely throw me into SI again which I may never recover from? Or would I choose to stay in my safe place at home, curled up in a tiny ball and wait for it to go away, knowing those I love the most in life are now assured that I am the uncaring, cold bitch he told them I am? I am not sure I can survive either choice. Either choice is a deep and unrecoverable loss that no one except you here in chumpnation seem to understand……… thank you for reaching out to me. I need a Tuesday, any Tuesday would help.

  • Dear Busy Farmer,
    Reading your story both gives me hope, your grace and poise as you deal with freaks is admirable, and makes me so nauseated that I fear my freaks will continue to stalk and harass me forever. Ugh. Actually, my worst fear is my soon to be ex will get dumped or see the truth about her freak and ask me for forgiveness (we have 3 children under 3 together).
    Ugh, no thank you.
    So I continue no contact, remember they really really suck and look at the skein on occasion of what this freak wants from me.
    Why doesn’t he understand:
    “Hoorah for you freak, you stole my family! Please leave me alone”. Yet he still tries to harass me?

  • “I will take your family away.”

    That says it all. She got high off of the power, and even though you’re not taking the bait, she’s fishing for more. I suspect half of what she thinks she feels for your FW is that power-high.

    I think that’s the case for most of these jerks. They’re stuck in adolescence, where everything is about the thrill of the moment and measuring yourself against others. They don’t feel love; they only feel adrenaline or dopamine rushes. Without you, there’s no measuring, no thrill, no way to get high.

    I’m sorry about your kids.

    • Excellent perspective. I bet Darwin understood freaks and FWs very well and saw how Chumps evolve for the better. Hoorah for “leave a cheater gain a life”.

  • My guesses:

    1) The EX and the kids still reminisce about their favorite Christmas morning cinnamon rolls (which only you have the recipe for) or cackle whenever the word “fluffernut” comes up and refuse to explain, etc. In short, the practice of aligning and exiling is part of how this dysfunctional group operates, and the AP is often left wrong-footed and frustrated when she is the odd one out. She knows you hold some of the keys to the puzzle, if only you would share.
    2) She fears she could be replaced any minute, and she is playing marriage-police (reading your daughter’s communications, stalking you) trying to be sure you are not coming back for “your man” or looking for clues about how her prize behaves so that she can keep him on her leash.
    3) He asks her to keep an eye on you OR he responds positively when she gleefully tells him tidbits about you. In short, he has trained her to fetch ego-kibbles for him.
    4) Your EX is the one stalking you; he just uses his AP’s lines of communication to do it.

    But you are doing all the smart things to shut the shit down!

    And I, also, offer you my support and sympathy for the ways these two jackasses have willfully damaged your relationship with your children. You deserve better.

  • Infidelity starts as a triangle. The thrills include.
    1. Sneaking around.
    2. Keeping secrets (“I know something you don’t know.”
    3. Duplicity.
    4. Taking risks.
    5. Doing forbidden things.
    6. Feeling superior because they’ve devalued the spouses.
    7. Drama! Intensity! Centrality inside a hairball of dysfunction!

    And my former therapist used to talk about a very common appeal of such behavior. He called it “having a relationship with one person (the AP) at the expense of another (the spouse).” Gossip, talking behind people’s backs, igniting conflict with a 3rd party (“let’s you and him fight.”)

    What kind of person carries on relationships this way? Someone who can’t do one-to-one relationships. Someone who builds relationships through devaluing and creating pain for other people. Someone who avoids the vulnerability and loyalty involved in actual love by performing these shallow rituals and dramas.

    • This is enlightening. Because X couldn’t do a relationship with me. He made me the enemy, early on, while proclaiming how he loved me! Since I grew up in a effed up family, with a violent parent, I didn’t know any better, and I just kept trying harder. I’m still trying to learn what a real relationship feels like, and how it could work. I don’t think X will ever figure it out, because he just uses people. His loss

    • They want to feel tall so their solution is to cut off the heads around them. That job is never finished.

  • This was priceless:

    Why does anyone stalk? Control. Trying to control the uncontrollable you.

    I can’t wrap my mind around anyone who stalks in a significant way either in person or via the Internet. Sure I’ve looked someone up on LinkedIn, but I really don’t care about details like how much you paid for your house or how many speeding tickets you have. On Facebook, I scroll past rants about whatever and bragging about purchases, restaurants, husbands, etc. I love cute pictures and funny thoughts though! That’s all I post there.

    Our young adults admitted to periodically googling their dad. Frankly, I don’t care anymore. Part of my healing was letting that go. I chose not to pay for a PI during the divorce process because by then I just wanted out. I also refused the forensic accountant which would have brought minimal benefit. I’d rather spend my hard-earned money on patio furniture, a trip, or something else enjoyable and meaningful. The legal professionals involved in the divorce were all superstars in my eyes, but enough was enough. My negotiated settlement was fair and slightly better than what a judge would award. In my area, the judges rarely deviate from the boilerplate, so once we had what I wanted, we pushed hard and got it signed.

    Not long ago a newish friend asked if I’d be jealous if my ex remarried. One, I probably wouldn’t know. He lives many states away, and there is no ongoing contact. And two, good for them. Whatever makes them happy, but leave me out of it.

    I wish that I was still naive about how bad people can be, but now I truly know. As the old proverb says, good fences make good neighbors.

    • Elsie, sometimes I find that people stalk on my behalf. They are then bursting to tell me ‘news’. I shut them down and keep minimal contact with them. I really do not want to know. It is not my concern. My concern is my own physical, mental and emotional health. As another over 60, the damage done to my health by the ex and his ex gf is significant. It will take me the rest of my life, however long that is, to recover and regroup. They are what they are – strangers to me. I’m my own twin flame now!

  • Sorry if this has already been said, but she’s thinking, if you really don’t want this sparkly turd & don’t desire the competition for it, is he really worthy?

    You must validate her desire for him by competing for what you gave up. In this sense, she thinks you & she are in this together. And if their relationship fails, she’ll want to commiserate with you.

    They have no healthy boundaries. She constantly compares herself to you, a piece of him.

  • For me, all of the “why” questions that I had regarding cheating came back to the same answer: this is a disordered person.

    There may be multiple disorders in the same person, which is interesting to contemplate – but not for too long because pondering this gives over too much head space to the subject of mental illness in a person who doesn’t care about your best interests. (I spent too much time doing this myself so I understand the pull to such rumination, but I strongly advise against wasting too much time and attention on the subject of their broken brains).

  • “She chose a life with a man she can’t trust. That is her punishment.”

    I was just thinking about that last night. Wondering if his massage parlor girl wife worries that he will leave her the way he left me, his wife of 29 years. He left like a thief in the night while I was across country caring for my sick mother. I had no clue anything was wrong.

    And he chose a life with a woman who performed sexual services for money. I’m sure he must worry she may want to earn a little extra spending money if he doesn’t bring home enough bacon.

    They are each married to a low life. And they must know that on some level. What a shitty way to live. Gives me some small satisfaction to remember that.

  • I think people who knowingly become involved with someone who is married, or with someone they know has lived life as a liar or cheater, want to believe that there is something special about them that can change the other person. If you, as the discarded ex do not show distress and dismay, then they are denied the duper’s delight. At the back of their minds, there has to always be that niggling voice reminding them of the prior cheating and lies. Why, oh why, do you not care? Is it possible the new love is not a prize?

    I also think many are envious of you, personally, and want your life. They think they can take it. They do not realize that some of the things that makes the “twu luv” and his life look so attractive are only there because of you. That is like a false math equivalent. A 2 is not a 10, therefore a 2 cannot ever = a 10. No mater how many times they rewrite the equation, the idiot belief that the two numbers are equal will never work.

    Yep. You can’t fix stupid.

    • “They do not realize that some of the things that makes the “twu luv” and his life look so attractive are only there because of you.”

      This. Honestly, I do believe with little doubt that fw and whore both thought she would just slip into my role seamlessly once I was disposed of.

      It isn’t that we had a glamorous or even easy life, but we were involved with the community folks liked us, and he did have a good amount of influence not in small part also due to me and my work in the community.

      She stayed in the dark for several years while I went to the community events and political events as his “beloved wife” (I use quotes for obvious reasons).

      His standing in the community and his value politically was tightly wound around his reputation as a dedicated family man. Were there some that knew better? likely but for whatever reason they were holding their fire.

      Anyway, I know that she and he both expected to get over the hump of my disposal and continue hand in hand just like nothing really happened.

      Honestly, in the very beginning it was my fear too. Didn’t turn out anything like that at all. He soon after a few attempts to integrate her, basically moved her out of the county. Retired early never to be a part of that large community again.

      As you said she and he made a grave miscalculation of his value and why he held it. Was it all me, absolutely not; but he was outed for what he was, and I was discarded, so the image he held was gone.

      She didn’t even get to keep the money and property he had after the D, because he gambled it all and more away. Literally, gambled.it.away. When my son told me that, I was shocked. I never thought he would be that careless with money.

      • “Honestly, I do believe with little doubt that fw and whore both thought she would just slip into my role seamlessly once I was disposed of.”

        I know my ex and the AP believed this would happen…but it hasn’t, at least not yet (22 months since Dday).

        People who harbor this belief are emotionally stunted, shallow people.

        In my case, my ex seemed shocked that he lost so much. Turns out that our kids, mutual friends, and (most of) his colleagues have standards. This low EQ man didn’t see it coming. #myfault

        • I do believe my ex was shocked that he lost his promotion and office job.

          I saw it in the paper when it happened, but only a couple months ago did I ever discuss it with my son. It was about a month before his dad (fw) doed. My son brought it up and said his dad was really ticked at the mayor because he (fw) had been a loyal supporter/friend. My son said he tried to explain to his dad that he (his dad) was doing things that could have cost the mayor a lawsuit against the city.

          I told my son that it was very simple he (fw) was no longer of any value to the mayor, so the mayor cut him loose. If anyone should have understood that my ex should have. After all that is what he did. In his view I had no more value to him, so he cut me loose.

          While I don’t believe in Karma, at least as I understand it; I very much believe we will usually reap what we sow. Cheaters don’t like that.

  • My XH’s Schmoopie never stalked, as far as I know. Ive been divorced almost 5-1/2 years and have been no contact for 3-1/2 of those years. I was a fool and played the pick me dance for a while after the divorce. The only 2 things I cannot figure out is why my XH and Schmoopie bought a house literally 1.1 milrs from where I moved to. It just boggles my mind why that woman would want to live that close to me. And about 3 years ago she saw me driving down the road and screamed at me through her closed truck window and flipped me off. I pretended like i didn’t see her. I often wonder why she was so mad at me. She got her dreamboat/serial cheater.

    • She flipped YOU off? Isn’t that backwards?

      Happy people don’t behave this way.

      She must be miserable. #karma

  • …..if it were all sunshine and lollipops with the traitor you were formerly fraudulently married to, you’d be hearing nothing but crickets from their side of the street.

    IMHO.

    #backhandedcompliment
    #proofthattheysuck
    #readbetweenthelines
    #theladydothprotesttoomuchmethinks

  • Borderline personality disorder anyone? NORMAL people do not do these things!!! She is sick and with Mr. Sicko, who is in all likelihood encouraging this behavior and trying to triangulate you in so they have something in common again.

    You would think they would come up with something a little more inventive.

  • My ex has been reminding me for 7 years that he won the kids. I ignore his communications.

    Well as one lawyer told me, the kids go with the house

    And in my case, the kids hope to inherit the house. So they are playing the FW for this end. $$$ and property is what the kids see. They are all greedy twats. And I see through them all.

    Anyone who has to keep reminding people that they ‘won’ can’t be very happy or satisfied in their life.

  • it’s addictive behaviour, i think. i mean, addictions come in all forms, and the thrill of affairs, keeping secrets, being cruel are all forms of addictive behaviours.

    they need treatment.

  • My feeling on this is she is insecure, and thinking she will be the next ‘you’. What a horrific human being. He has probably told her horrible stories about you. My husband did that to me – told me absolutely horrific stories about his ex-wife that turned out to be untrue. He did that to keep us apart. Just keep ignoring her. She will eventually give up and move along. You ignoring her will probably make her angry, but that’s just an added bonus.

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