D-day 1 was almost a year ago and D-day 2 was almost 2 months ago, now. I won’t unpack the Baggage of Fuckery right now, as that would take too long and I have a tendency to write novels so I’ll spare you and CN.
I’ve decided to leave and I think FW realizes that now. He prefers to play pretend and act like nothing is wrong and that nothing horrible has happened. So we haven’t really talked about…..well, anything.
Here’s my problem.
I’m not a fake person. Period. This whole game of pretending while I organize my little duckies? It’s KILLING me. Biting my tongue, walking away from the arguments, pretending to wreckoncile — this is not me and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to ignore his bull when I just want to scream at him and punch him in his stupid, narcissistic, lying face.
I have 3 teenagers from my first marriage, I don’t make a ton of money, and rent/housing prices have skyrocketed (if I’d left last year it would’ve saved me hundreds of dollars in rent compared to now). In all honesty I have NO idea where I’m going to go or how I’m going to get approved for a rental when my income isn’t high enough in regards to having to make 3 times the amount of rent. I have a settlement coming sometime in the near-ish future from a car accident that I was in almost 2 years ago, but it’s not going to be a ton of money and most of it will be going to purchase furniture, dishes, etc.
Long story longer — I don’t know how long I’m going to be stuck living with his lying ass and I don’t know how to get through this. He’s the type that he’ll bring the OW to the house to hang out while I’m still there. (He hasn’t -YET- but did that very thing when he and his first wife split up – aaaahhhh, the things that came out AFTER I married his lying ass).
HOW do I keep living there until I can get my children and myself OUT? I’m numb these days but this fake face bullshit is NOT me and I know the things that are coming and I’m afraid of ending up as a Snapped episode.
This site, your book, and the comments from CN are one of the few things keeping me afloat these days. Please, oh Wise One. I need advice on how to make it through until I can leave. I thought his gaslighting and lying and all the other bullshit was making me crazy but having to lie and pretend MYSELF? Fuuuuck me. I hate it.
Please send help lol.
Yeah, lining up ducks, living together while plotting to leave is insanely stressful. How do cheaters do it? Lack of adaptive anxiety I guess. No stress rashes or teeth grinding for them. You’re living with a secret — you hate his ass and you’re going to leave his ass. But right now you’re financially vulnerable.
I know you probably feel like if you can’t afford rent, you can’t afford a lawyer, but I think that’s exactly what you need. A separation agreement could get him paying you support, it could protect that settlement you’re due so half doesn’t go to him. I’m not a legal professional, but you totally need to consult with one. Read over at www.womenslaw.org on all the divorce laws in your state. Check out your state bar association for “low-bono” services (pro bono is free, low-bono is sliding scale) for family law. If there’s a women’s legal services in your area, research that too. Being tethered to a fuckwit is NOT the only option for continued survival.
How did you support three kids before you met him? Could you put your energies into a job search? A lot of employers (in the US anyway) are desperate for workers and are raising wages and giving sign-on bonuses now.
Point is, Chainsaw, you need a plan. D-Days are overwhelming, but focus on one challenge at a time. Give yourself homework. It will help you feel like you’ve taken back control. Lawyer. Job. Housing. Break each challenge into bits. Call three lawyers who have free consultations. Apply to three jobs. Make lists.
Put every option on the table. Including the Things You Didn’t Think You Could Do.
What’s off limits that you dread? Asking a family member for a loan? Couch surfing? Moving school districts? Having the kids live with their bio-dad for awhile? Moving to another state that’s more affordable, or closer to your support network? Consider the un-considerable. Remember, like pain, arrangements are only finite. You’re rebuilding, moving toward an abuse-free life.
Consider using that settlement money as a down-payment and rent for new digs. Forget new furniture and dishes now. You have teenagers. These are not the years for nice things. Try free cycle, Goodwill.
Does all of this SUCK? Yes. Yes it does. But does it suck worse than living with a cheating, gaslighting fuckwit? Only you can answer that. This shit does take a toll on your mental health. And remember, while your situation may feel static, it isn’t. He’s got a history of douchebaggery. He could leave YOU. So get in FRONT of this and get protection.
Opening the floor up to CN: how did you survive the lining-up-ducks-phase of limbo hell? Practical suggestions? Tales of mighty?
Hang in there, Chainsaw. It can be done.