I am a little over three months out from D-Day now and I feel I have given myself a major setback. I came across another website that in some ways should probably be called “The Chump Maker.” They do have some good advice and articles, but you really have to be on top of your game to dig through the BS and not start on that hopium again.
Most of the commenters on that website seem to be hopelessly trying to rebuild their marriages after all kinds of infidelity. Some of them have success stories, while others are begging for advice as if there is a magic formula for knocking your spouse out of the affair fog and opening their eyes and hearts.
I’m afraid I read a few too many “success stories” and started to think, “Hey maybe I gave up the fight for my marriage too quickly…” My husband asked for a divorce about a week after D-Day, so I didn’t have much time to beg and plead, although I did. I knew him well enough that if he was telling me he didn’t love me and wanted a divorce, he meant it. After that week of begging I had pretty much accepted this is what he wants and I get no say in it, as soul crushing as that was.
Before D-Day my husband seemed perfect, I believed we were very happy and had an extremely close friendship and relationship. Post D-Day he told me he wanted a divorce over the phone. He still denies the affair with his coworker, he moved in with said woman a few weeks later, and he turned into a cruel uncaring human before my very eyes. You know, that old chestnut…
So now I find myself thinking, well maybe if I word an email to him in just right way. Maybe if I create this amazing new life, one I know I need to no matter what, he will see what he is missing. Maybe if his affair ends before we file he will come back on hands and knees, begging…
I was always an ‘infidelity is a deal breaker’ type person, so I find it surprising that I even entertain the idea of taking him back. Some mornings I wake up with the words “Trust that they suck” floating around in my head, but that’s all they are, just words to me at this point. What is wrong with me? I still love this man so much. This man who hurt and betrayed me so badly. I think I need a reality check.
Thank you CL!
You haven’t filed? Why not? The hopium fumes from the RIC getting to you? If he’s moved in with his coworker, you need a lawyer like yesterday. Please tell me you have a legal professional and it’s just one of those waiting-out-the-physical-separation-clock-because-you-live-in-an-insane state things.
KS, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just going through the bargaining stage of grief. Flagellating yourself with woulda coulda shouldas. It’s a coping mechanism. You thought your world was safe, that your husband was perfect, connected and invested, until one day suddenly he wasn’t. And the terrifying vulnerability and powerless of that bends a lot of minds toward voodoo. If you just said the right incantation or sent the properly worded email or got him to read 14 articles in the Healing Library of Wizardy, this wouldn’t have happened. You’d have a unicorn.
You can chase that unicorn. He’ll still be a cheating coward who dumped you over the phone.
All that shit you’re reading on ProdigalCheatersReform.com or JesusAffairProofedMyMarriage.net or Stand4URAbusiveMarriage.org is not helping. You cannot save a marriage by yourself. You are not to blame for his decision to cheat. The Reconciliation Industrial Complex peddles false hope and fear. Horrors! Who am I without a fuckwit? A sad quitter! A bitter unforgiving harridan muttering curses! A tragic divorce statistic whose children will descend into psychosis and be Forever Scarred from Broken Homes and Single Parenthood! Quick! Download this ebook! Buy this marriage retreat! Stand for fuckwittery! Wait in the pumpkin patch. The Great Pumpkin will return!
I’m afraid I read a few too many “success stories”
Oh right. Is that the cattle chute for Waywards? It’s only been 18 days since they last texted their Schmoopie (not that they’re counting, because they’re committed! And if WeepingSnotTears would only get over her triggers…). Is this the place where people have taglines listing their multiple D-Days and scripture verses? And unicorns breathlessly recount stories of their vow renewals (“We stood on a beach, and tattooed each other’s names above our genitals/exchanged vows/cubic zirconia cock rings…”)?
Don’t waste your time in that tar pit.
Look KS, dead is dead and gone is gone. The sooner you shift gears into self-protection mode and acceptance, the better.
My husband asked for a divorce about a week after D-Day, so I didn’t have much time to beg and plead, although I did.
Begging (aka the Pick-me dance) is not a foundation for a healthy relationship. People who love you don’t goad you into contests. They don’t sit in the coliseum like Caesar and give the thumbs up or thumbs down if you live or die. Rejection feels powerful, but fuckwits are not all-powerful unless you GIVE them that power.
I know you love and you bonded, and that’s beautiful. But when someone shits on your gifts, QUIT GIVING. Don’t keep offering more of yourself.
So now I find myself thinking, well maybe if I word an email to him in just right way.
He doesn’t have an insight problem. He has a character problem. He’s okay cheating on you and conspiring against you and dumping you over the phone. Judge him by his actions.
Sending him an email is just begging by internet.
Maybe if I create this amazing new life, one I know I need to no matter what, he will see what he is missing.
If he valued you, he wouldn’t cheat on you.
You should create an amazing new life because you must rebuild your life and it may as well be totally amazing. But you know what’s not amazing? Retreading fuckwits.
Maybe if his affair ends before we file he will come back on hands and knees, begging…
Maybe you’ll win the pick-me dance. Maybe you’ll be in the power seat and he’ll be the sad beggar! You can be Caesar!
This is not a healthy basis for a relationship. Trust a few gazillion of us who had one hoover back, it just means you’re still of use.
KS, his affair might end. He might figure out that divorcing you is expensive. He might miss cake and your unknowing chumpdom. He might even have a sadz and want compassion for his self-inflicted stupidity. Doesn’t mean you have to be there.
It’s easy to beat up on fuckwits. Sure, cheating is a measure of their character. But you know what’s a measure of YOUR character? How much you value yourself. If you really think a gutless wonder who dumps his wife with a phone call is all you deserve.
He still denies the affair with his coworker
You want a man who gaslights you? A future of twitchy hypervigilance? There’s nothing here to work with.
I still love this man so much. This man who hurt and betrayed me so badly.
You love who you thought he was. You miss the time you felt safe. Rebuilding is scary.
But it’s honest. He isn’t. Invest the rest of your life wisely.