Please help me respond to well-meaning therapists or friends who say hurtful things like “You need to do self examining to see what it is about you that allowed yourself to be treated that way.”
Have heard this way too many times I need a good response! The best I could come up with is “No, I don’t accept any blame for his awful actions,” but that was not satisfying and made me feel like I was just trying to convince someone it wasn’t my fault. I need a good answer for these people!
Dear Frustrated Chump,
It’s a valid question — “Why was this relationship acceptable to you?” is a different question than “What did you do to make them cheat?”
Of course, I have scant details to go on here, but did you stick around while this person continued to cheat and devalue you? (See 5 Things That Keep You Stuck with a Cheater.) Knowing your worth and what your deal breakers are is essential work after chumpdom. Admit spackle crimes. Do better. Learn from it.
But if these people are blameshifting his shitty abuse on to you? (How can you “allow” what you don’t know about?) Get a new therapist and friends.
Dear Chump Lady,
WTF. Why is Monica Lewinsky in the news cycle again?
I don’t know. It’s like those 17-year locust plagues. Only this kibble creature loses some weight, gets her hair blown out, and finds a new Netflix host.
Monica Lewinsky is no different than the average mistress who writes me every week with a deep sense of outrage and faux solidarity that she too is a chump. (That never ends well.)
Whoa, Tracy! Where are your feminist credentials?
Right there with Betty Friedan, who called Monica a “little twerp.”
We try to avoid being political here (please don’t). Yes, Bill Clinton is a serial cheating horn dog. (And I can’t go much farther than that as I can’t be political for my Job job) — but OW I can write about.
However another chump sent this interesting article: A Creepy Footnote to a Presidential Scandal Gets Its Own Audiobook, Kate Nason was married to a man who had an affair with Monica Lewinsky—before Lewinsky had an affair with the Commander in Chief.
Lewinsky often volunteered to babysit her two children, and Nason naively thought she and Lewinsky were great friends: “I enjoyed Mallory’s bawdy humor. She always made me laugh, and always made me blush.” Nason even shared her suspicions about her husband’s marital infidelity with Monica, especially after Lewinsky scored the internship and began calling her daily from D.C.: “She was always reassuring. ‘He would never cheat on you, Kate. He loves you so much.’”
Okay, Lewinsky is sorry. But not as sorry as YOU should be for judging her. And nothing says sorry like a celebrity junket.
Dear Chump Lady,
Did you see this Oprah video? I think it’s hopium — I would love to know where things stand with this couple now!
They’re still together says a public records search. Fifteen-year double life, three affairs he’ll cop to, but hey, Suzie wasn’t meeting his needs. (Dance, Suzie! Dance!) His biggest realization: his affair hurts him too. More even!
Sounds like bliss.
Don’t be Suzie.