CN, today I’m not my usual snarky, sassy self. I’m running “WishinforHappiness’s” letter and ask you that you send some comfort to one of our tribe who is suffering. Thanks.
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m a long time follower of your blog after I found you when my terminal cancer exhole was caught cheating. Your blog kept me strong after kicking his ass to the curb and I couldn’t be more grateful. Your spark kept me laughing and moving forward – building that beautiful and amazing life. And build it I did!
Which is what brings me to write to you now. I built that beautiful life and met the most wonderful and amazing man. He loved me even though I was older and a bit podgy. He loved me so much and I love him the mostest! We built a world together that was better than anything I ever imagined was possible. I was so grateful every day to have found my happiness!
He supported me through IVF (which failed) and then we fell pregnant naturally! Massive and best shock of our lives! I am 23 weeks pregnant with our little girl…and I found my beloved husband dead in our bed yesterday after he was sleeping in.
I can’t comprehend the pain and loss. I thought leaving a cheater was bad but this…this is destroying me. I don’t even know how to start rebuilding a life this time. Our world was so beautiful…we were having a baby…we had everything after having gone through so much crap in the past with previous partners. How do I build a life now? The old me knew how to do this, the new me lost a wonderful, loving and kind man and is having a baby in the home we built together. He is EVERYWHERE through the house and I can’t wrap my head around the enormity of the loss. I am 38 years old, 23 weeks pregnant and a widow. I want to find my fire but all I have is a waking nightmare of loss.
Do you have any words of wisdom? Please? I am drowning in pain.
I am so incredibly sorry. Everything I could write feels lame and powerless. But I hope by running this, you’ll receive a wave of support and it will be some comfort to you, to know that a bunch of chumps around the world care for you and want to hold you. You don’t need fire now. You need healing and kindness.
Thank you Tracy. I would appreciate any healing words that Chump Nation may have to offer. I am so lost. I had anger to propell me forward before. Fuckwits are so easy to leave behind me compared to this. I’ve eaten shit sandwiches by the dozen with the cheating exhole and the abusive asshole that almost killed me before him. But God and the powers that be have now handed me a monumental shit sandwich I have to choke down. One I can’t ignore and walk away from. I have to accept my soulmate, the man that showed me what real love is, the daddy to our daughter is dead. I can’t even begin to chomp down on this one.
I do have my parents around me and my sister. Jame’s mother is coming across from the other side of the country to help me. I learnt my lessons from being chumped. I built friendships and my tribe around me…which is helping me now. Thank you for that lesson – I wouldn’t have had it before.
Will this pain end on a Tuesday? I was confident it would with the exhole cheater but this time I think I am going to hurt for the rest of my life. I’m going to miss him for the rest of my life. Time always slipped by so fast with him we never felt like we would have enough time together. We ate healthy and lived healthy lifestyles so that we could be together until we were 90! I’m burying him when he is 39. Now the years ahead of me feel long…so long. How am I going to do any of this without him?
All my love and hugs,
I’m so sorry. I think of course you’ll always miss him. And he’ll always be your daughter’s daddy and she’ll miss him too. But she’ll be surrounded by all the people who loved him and who’ll have stories. And W, you’re mighty. Your resiliency was already forged in a blast furnace before today. Your daughter will grow up to be in awe of what a strong woman you are.
How am I going to do any of this without him?
How? You aren’t getting a choice. You will, with the support of all the people who love you.
I can’t imagine your pain now. One thing I’ve learned from pain is that life reconstitutes itself. Whatever we suffer, if it doesn’t kill us, life knits back together somehow. And pain, as searing as it is, doesn’t last forever. At least the acute, stab-you-in-the-face-think-you-re-gonna-die pain. That pain isn’t sustainable. It’s finite.
I think right now your ONLY job is to heal and find the strength to get through your pregnancy and be a new mom. That’s ENOUGH. Try not to take the long view. Things are overwhelming.
As for being a mom, IMO it’s the only thing is life that is so, so much better than you can imagine. It’s love times a gazillion. You can’t not fall in love with a baby. Their little nugget toes. Their soft bellies. The way they snurgle and sigh. You’re going to have the best thing happen at the worst time in your life and that is so unfair. Thank God for your little girl. James and his love will live on through her.
I’m opening the floor up for CN. Please know that we care, and we’re rooting for you through all the days ahead.
I’m sorry for your loss always feels so lame. I wonder if we can’t organize something. Knit baby blankets and send them to Oz. I’ll reach out to Wish. My Midwestern people bring casseroles in times of tragedy. I wish we had a casserole army.
Denver Lutherans use mealtrain. I suppose non-religious people local to this chump could do something similar.
Hello Denver Lutherans! (Waves a jello salad – red – BTW)
Please let us know, CN, how we can contribute above and beyond bringing a casserole.
I want to be a part of your Casserole Army.
Boss, if that’s the case, it might be best to have a point of contact who can handle the shipping fees/declaration forms – I know those add up very quickly.
You can do online baby showers. Facebook has a way to send well wishes, comments and gifts. My daughter and other friends have had them during covid.
How about an Amazon Wish List?
Do you remember when we bought out your friends wishlist for her “kids”?
We could definitely do a sweet baby shower for Wishing for Happiness so she can surround herself with some physical love for her and her baby…right now I’m thinking pregnancy massages, facials…along with whatever she may need for her baby.
Wishing for Happiness,
First, if you have someone willing to coordinate with me via CL, I’m happy to take on that task from over in NY.
My message is the same as what CL wrote.
Focus on your pregnancy and health and the rest will follow. I’m not saying that newborns are all perfect and single-parenting isn’t tough but the rewards are amazing. I promise that the love you will feel by having this living part of your beloved husband will keep you going.
Nothing prepares you for how much love enters your life when you have a child, especially a much-wanted one! She will grow up strong like her mommy and will cherish every detail about her daddy. You will be her link to the past and she will be your link to the future.
Sending many hugs, endless support and love ❤️
Sign me up for Casserole/Blankie Army! Or whatever the long-distance equivalent may be.
W is in Oz? For her sake I sincerely hope she’s not in a lockdown state. It’s brutal over here. I can’t imagine going through her loss if she’s in NSW or Victoria. I hope to god she’s not.
I can’t add much more than CL but know that your tribe will be there for you. And one day the sun will shine again.
I am Oz. I’m in Canberra. James’ funeral will be limited to only a few people of the many that loved him.
I still van’s wrap my head around it. Everything hurts. He’s not home with me…instead my parents are here and the whole rhythm of our home has changed. The family vibe that existed here with James is gone and replaced with a new and horrifying normal. I can’t get back to the joy I had only days ago. I can’t believe this is my life now.
I’m a chump in Brisbane who has just had a good cry on the couch for you. All I can say is please remember that this is the pointy end of grief. It will get easier. And joy? Babies *are* joy.
I’m a chump in Brisbane as well. If you are a part of chumps in Oz page, please reach out.
There are no words. Tears and prayers for you. I am so glad you are able have your parents with you. ((Hugs))
Dear WishinfH, I’m in Melbourne. Yes, lockdown is brutal. So glad your Mum and Dad are there with you. We are all thinking and praying for you and your baby girl. You are strong having got through what you already have. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are going.
I’m so sorry Wishing. There are no words that are adequate. I can only say that the pain will get better over time. Your love will pour into your new daughter and she will give you some of the joy you’ve lost. Big hugs from Gisborne Victoria
It is unimaginable what you are enduring. So sorry for your loss and so many hugs to you. Fellow Aus chump here, Sydney based. Happy to help in any way and I’ll try and reach out to the other Aussie chumps to see how we can support you… also are you on the CN reddit page? x
I have only just seen this – a week late to the party. I am in Canberra – I can help organise stuffs and deliveries if useful.
This story is incredibly difficult and my heart aches at the thought of your aching. A day at a time and people will support you too.
Wishin… you and I used to write but I lost access to that e-mail address. I have thought of you often. My soul aches for your broken heart. Oh, the sorrow, I can’t even begin to imagine.
Count me in for some small donation.
Something is being organized for Wishin. If you want to join in, email me at info at chump lady dot com. Thanks.
I am a new Chump. I recognized immediately upon reading this that my pain was nothing compared to this and I want to help in anyway that I can. Seeing the outpouring of responses and support renewed my faith in LOVE and kindness.
I know we can not post personal contact info here but I would like to donate or buy baby gifts or do anything. I recently took a new job, am out of my house living on my own at 43 for the first time ever and don’t have much money. That said, I will share what I have. I will give if my time, love and support freely. Please tell me how I can help.
Just a Nice Guy
Look at CL comment right above your reply. She has her contact info there so that you can email her and get on the ‘help list’.
Welcome to CN. Sorry you are here due to the circumstances in your life. Glad you found us so your life can get better 🙂
Just A Nice Guy, glad you found us and so sorry you are in this situation. Your heartfelt reply just shows what a nice guy you are. You must be nervous with so many new things in your life – but what an adventure, living alone can have so many advantages. If you need more 24 hour support we also have a very active Reddit page, I think it’s r/ChumpLadyNation. All the best to you!
I”ll say more later.
Crying with you.
In leaving a cheater, you probably used your anger to help you rebuild. In a lot of ways, you deep grief will provide the same energy. It’s different this time as well — you probably won’t have people taking sides and saying snark to you. Grief and those grieving with you can provide a bigger community. Take advantage of the community. Use the birth preparation to remind yourself that this is another life you’re bringing into the world. You have time to turn a lot of that grief into joy.
As I approach the fragile years of my life, I have been through some grief — I’ve seen others go through it as well. There will be a part of you that will not ever stop grieving. Recognize that the grief is because of how much you guys loved each other.
We did love each other…so much. Each day we’d tell each other how lucky we were. We had found each other after walking through hell a few times, we had a beautiful home we were putting together, a gorgeous family with our dogs, lovely friends and family…and now our baby girl on the way! We were so stupidly happy! Lockdown was AWESOME for us because we got to spend more time together! I just can’t believe he’s gone! The pain is so great that I don’t think I have words to describe it.
I so want to find my strength. When I left my cheating exhole I thought it was bad. I honestly didn’t think there could be worse pain…but now I’ve found what’s worse.
My family and friends are great but they aren’t James and he’s all I want. I remember craving my ex even though he was bad for me and I remember the anger the drove me forward. That craving was a pale imitation of what I feel for James. Right now my anger is at the world and it’s just not useful to push me forward into the world to build a new life. I really hope I can find something to stop this free-fall. I’m going to find a counsellor tomorrow because I know I need support.
Thank you so much for reaching out. All these words do help. They tell me I’m not overreacting and that maybe, just maybe I can get through this.
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Thank you Nancy. That is truly beautiful and I am going to read it over and over. I did get what I wanted. I got to be called beloved and to feel myself beloved on this earth. I just can’t believe it’s over.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Wishinforhappiness. I’m crying as well. Yes, please find a counselor and keep your trusted friends close. I’m the same age as you, went through IVF and lost a good friend 2 years ago to cancer. He was a kind funny soul who asked me to marry him in uni but I had a crush on my FW at that time and declined. I’m so glad he found his wife though, the strength she was during the treatments. They loved each other and would always be together. I don’t think I could have gone through that pain. She’s probably 33, a migrant, a widow and a mother with a 6 year old. She’s holding up for her daughter. Then she lost her mother a few months after that. She’s going strong, living a day at a time pretty much by herself. She inspires me. The pain you are going through will become bearable, won’t go away, but it will be bearable. CN hearts are with you and our hearts are the most empathetic. Our thoughts are with you. Hang in there.
As Tracy said, you have walked through the fires and came out strong. I’m confident you will find your way through this new normal. My sister lost her son, who was 27 as well as being kidnapped at gunpoint with thugs who stole her car, took her out in the middle of nowhere, stripped her, and shot at her to make her run over rocks, cactus you name it in her bare feet. She uses EMDR to help keep her sanity in her tough times. Hopefully, your counselor has a technique to help you through your trauma.
I’ve found the tapping solution works a miracle for me, as well as gratitude journaling. Here is the link to the 5 minute gratitude journal that helps me refocus on my blessings.
You and your baby girl will have a beautiful time to grow together. Would it help to think about how you could put together a time capsule of James — for your daughter to be able to get to know her father through your mementos and keepsakes capsule?
Wishing you all the love and support and healing <3
Not overreacting at all.
What you are experiencing is extreme loss at a time when you were so looking forward to this new chapter. This is trauma, raw trauma.
Be kind to yourself, put one foot in front of the other, and say yes to any help (family and friends) that comes your way…in fact ask for help! Keep moving forward through these horrible feelings. Reach out to people when you just want to curl up in a ball.
On a terribly practical note, It might help to get a mental health care plan from your GP and get 10 psychologist sessions on medicare.
Do you have a BFF or close sibling/relative who you can line up the birth with? It’s joyful and earth-shatteringly good having a baby in your life. It’s full on but you can totally do this!
Hopefully, even with these lockdowns, you get lined up with a great maternal health nurse and mothers group to make connections and build a new community.
There’s really nothing I can say without sounding trite.
Sending care from Melbourne
All I have is to send you a virtual hug. I’m in tears for you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Dear Wishing, you are getting through this, you are doing it right now. You are so smart to contact Tracy and reach out for support. You are amazing to be able to string words together into sentences. You are dealing with a terrible loss at the same time you are growing his little baby. That takes such strength. You will get through this so you can tell your child about their amazing Dad. You get through this by simply existing. You do the things you have to do to keep on living and growing your baby. You get up every day, you work, you eat and drink, you do your exercises, you take care of business. Every day one foot in front of the other, you keep plodding forward. You refuse to give up. Don’t give up.
Thankyou. You’re right I can’t give up. I want to. The temptation is so strong. I just want to be with him and I’d have followed him anywhere. Indeed, I want to follow him now. I know I can’t give up. He’d be so angry after everything we did and went through to get our little girl. I’m terrified I can’t do this and it’s too much. I have such a long way to go to keep her safe and being high risk…how do I keep doing this without her daddy? I can’t lift more than 2kilos. We have two 40kg dogs to look after and they are desperatelymissing him just as much as I am. I vomit from hyperemesis gravidarum between my screaming and crying. I just love him so so much and I miss him with every fibre of my being. Your words do help. Thank you. I’ve never been a quitter. I have to keep going. Xx
Is there someone close to you who can start making Very Practical Lists? Like, needed: dog walker. Or maybe someone can foster your pet right now? Your job is only to protect your health and grieve. But those around you can deal with the practicalities. Please with everything going on don’t take those worries on to.
You CAN do it. If I know anything from running this place and reading millions of stories, it’s that single parents are superheroes and you’re more resilient than you ever imagined. ((Hugs))
Where is this dear lady? A list of ways to help her would be most welcome. Like giftcards or a registry or something.
Canberra, Australia. It’s like a big country town.
Practical lists is a good idea. Thank you. The police and coroner don’t contact me since they don’t think I’m in a fit state and don’t think I need extra stress for the pregnancy. They are talking to my dad and I’ve only had to sign a medical records release so far.
I know my sister and mother are taking over the house, cleaning, cooking, walking the dogs. My dad is trying to close down the financials. I’ve changed over some payment types from James’ accounts to mine so nothing gets cut off. I cancelled our deluxe birthing suit at the hospital. I won’t be able to afford it and I can’t spend the days after the birth in a “couples suit” with a huge double bed for partners to stay together. I just want to get in and out. I can’t believe I’ll be bringing home our daughter by myself on Christmas eve. I’m not joking. We are having a Christmas baby. We were delighted but already coming up with ways to celebrate her birthday without it being consumed by Christmas. Now I’m having a Christmas baby alone. I just can’t even…
When I was bereft, a friend called and asked what I needed and I said “zip lock bags and pepto bismol…she arrived with those items shortly. Someone I know whose husband worked for North Face called and asked me what I wanted and I said “I dont know…a coat” and it arrived in the mail.
I did grieve like a real widow for a while until I started fixing crap revealing his secret life. There was an initial very widowy part of me for a while until there wasn’t. I know you will never discover pain in your husbands things.
My practical advise? 50 mg of Benadryl in bed and dont go to bed before you are so tired, you could drop (see aforementioned Benadryl) then read a boring book. One night I truncated this practice and was a puddle of tears.
Make a blanket from his old t-shirts and wrap you in it
You and your daughter will be like The Gilmore Girls (TV show from mid 00s) you can see the world together as buddies
Wishing, you’ve been hit HARD with a sequence of tragedies and I’m so sorry. The one thing I could offer that could possibly help you through this is: treasure your family. It sounds like you have a wonderful, wonderful family gathering around you. You are so blessed. And you have a child coming! When I was in my darkest times–and they were plenty dark, let me tell you–knowing that my children depended on me was sometimes the only thing that got me up off the floor. I mean… I just wanted to die. But I also knew that I had to feed my children and change their diapers because, well, I was the adult in the household now. And if I didn’t eat it take care if myself then how could I take care of them?
Duty and responsibility to keep my children alive, as unsexy as that sounds, got me through dark, dark times. I look back now and think that my role as their mother pretty much saved my life.
I am so sorry for your loss. Hold your family close. I’m so glad they are there for you.
Wishing: Big condolences to you. Take to heart things being said here about just concentrating on the baby you are carrying and getting through this. Your job is to raise and love your child and tell her about her Dad, etc. Your will see your true love in your child all through her live. So glad you have supportive family. There will be some great comments here today. Remember that grief is love. Cherish your great memories with your true love as you get through this. Please come back and post and let us know how you are doing. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I can attest to duty to the kids as a motivator, we have a little girl who will be five months old on Monday. I’ve been very fortunate, hubby and I have wonderful family support and I wasn’t dealing with full post-partum depression – but those first four to six weeks still knocked me down hard. Keeping kiddo safe, warm, clean and fed was our main motivation – and in some ways it made things simpler. No matter what, she has to be tended to – even if we’re sobbing, we still take care of her.
Yes, the loyal family and friends come out in times like these
Sending love and light.
Surrounding you with healing thoughts and comfort.
I don’t have any personal experience, but watched a friend lose the love of her life when she and their babies were very young.
She never remarried, but poured her heart into raising those girls.
I watched thier adventures and saw her strength. Her girls have all graduated and one is attending our alama mater.
Only her oldest has any real memories of him, but his soul lives on in their eyes.
Not a religious person, but sending you a virtual air hug from a stranger.
Your loss seems unbearable but you sound strong and you’ll get through it. Let the unconditional love that you’ll feel for your baby carry you. The best advice I received when I was filled with terror, when my world was blown up: let the path unfold before you.
With love and wishes for peace,
I wish I had the words that might provide you comfort. I can’t begin to imagine your pain. I’m so very sorry for this terrible tragedy in your life. Take care of yourself the best you can. You are mighty, and your little girl needs you.
We are all here for you. Every single one of us.
I can’t imagine how you must feel. I really can’t. Even saying this feels trite and inadequate.
I don’t know how I can help from this far away, if I can at all. I’m glad that the network CN helped you to build before is kicking in now, when you need it most.
Be strong for your little one. You and he have created that little life together. As painful as it is to raise your child without him, what better memorial can there be to your wonderful, loving, kind partner?
We’re always here. Stay strong. You can do it.
I hope that the memories you have sustain you through this time of grief. I know you will be supported by family and friends, and do rely on music to comfort you. Others who have walked this path will help carry you. Peace.
I am so sorry that your husband died. I can only imagine the shock of it, and how unfair it feels to have lost this worthy man before he could even hold his daughter and celebrate her birth with you. And after loving an unworthy man and fighting so hard to get through it and build a better life.
Your letter feels like you are trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to move forward. Sweetie, you don’t have to do any of that right now. You can just lay that bundle down on the floor and just feel the pain and the love. And let your friends and family love you and take care of you. They want to and need to, and you need it too.
You will know when it is time to figure out how to move forward. Remember, you are a fighter and a survivor and mighty. All those things are in you, you built that into your character one right decision at a time, and when the time for moving forward comes you can rely on those strengths. The love you and James shared will also give you strength, and the love you have for your daughter will one day make you unstoppable.
The happiness of a child is coming to you, and it is something you can’t even imagine. In two years you will be chasing after a toddler and laughing a dozen times a day at the silly and funny and sweet things she does. You will see your husband in your child, and there is comfort in that, and in loving that part of him that exists in her forever.
I want to just curl in a ball and follow him. It’s hard to get up and I am forcing a mouthful of food down when I can. I am trying even though it feels like I’m wading through an unreal word of pain and cement. I did have a calm moment just now…God, I prayed it was James giving me strength and trying to tell me that I’m worrying and upset for no good reason and that it will work out but it’s most likely my body being beyond exhausted from running such high emotions the last few days.
I love him the mostest. I ache for him. Each day takes me further away from our last “I love yous”, our last laugh, our last kiss and our last everything together. I didn’t know it would be the last time…I didn’t make the most of our time and all our moments together. I need to believe there is something after this…that he isn’t just lying on a cold slab and that we won’t be together again one day.
I want to lay down the burden but I need to plan a funeral and I don’t know if he wanted to be cremated or buried. We talked about everything but not about that. We took it for granted that we had time together!
I don’t want any of this. I want him here, home, with us, his family.
pudding…eat pudding when you cant eat anything else.
2 good friends brought me pudding an dit was so nice. My SILs mom just suffered a great loss and didnt eat for days. I told mu SIL “pudding” and it worked.
Wishing- I do believe that our loved ones who leave us are the angels among us. Your angel James is providing you the comfort you had for the brief moment, you will see other signs as well- maybe a sunset, or a song, or a feeling, or a place, those signs are for you. Even though I don’t know you and James personally, it sounds like you had a wonderful strong love. Those relationships support in this time of distress the path of what makes your trauma less. If you die would you be buried or cremated? That can be your choice for James. Do for him as you would do for yourself. You couldn’t love him more through those loving choices.
Maybe its just the focus of getting through just one routine, one hour, just one day at a time.
Did someone start a go-fund me or something similar? Please share the link if so!! Making sure she has exactly the kind of birth she wants sounds like a priority. Is so please send the link. Go fund me and wish list sound like something CN could make happen.
It’s at least 2 years to get over the shock and numbness of a loss like this. There are so many emotions to process, and it takes such a long time to feel any sort of balance or routine again. You will eventually get to a place where life assumes a rythmn once again.
Change is the worst thing that happens to us in life. Unexpected, unwanted change. The finality of it is very painful. No going back, only sweet memories to hold now. Wrapping our mind around what has happened is so hard.
I am very sorry that are going through this awful trauma and loss.
2 years? I hope that it is that short a time. It’s been 4 days now and it feels like my beloved was a dream…I have memories and all the things in our home but not him to hold. I am definitely bargaining hard to go back in time and relive my few years with him. I would have cherished them even more! I would have taken more time off work and been with him. I would have passed on outings with my mum to be home with him…I wouldn’t have taken a second for granted. It used to hurt that I couldn’t buy baby clothes as IVF was failing us. I took for granted buying clothes and socks for my beloved. I ache to be able to buy him socks now…
Wishing, there’s nothing worse than when truly terrible things happen to wonderful people. Grief over a lost loved one never really leaves, but the sharp edges round out over time and it becomes bearable. The good news is that the baby will bring so much joy into your life that the edges will likely round out more quickly than they otherwise would. You will always have a part of the love of your life still with you in the form of his child.
Much love and my deepest condolences to you.❤
I usually read CN to laugh but today I find myself crying with you W , I am so glad that after so much heartache you found real Love , that Love you shared with James will live on in your heart and in your daughters life , the days ahead will be tough but you’ve built your tribe around you , take one day at a time , some days one hour at a time , some days less , let that tribe be there for you and collect in all those hugs they are offering , you’ve already proved to yourself that you are strong so reassure yourself when you need to but know it is ok to have a not so strong day and let your friends be strong with you for those days . sending you my Love xx
When you look into your baby’s eyes, you will see him, the love of your life looking back. The love you feel for this very much wanted baby will be a wagon to help you heal. A powerful vessel to comfort you in the darkest moments. One day at a time, even one hour at a time maybe even seconds. I am sending you all my love. Many many hugs. ❤️
I so hope you are right. I want her to have her daddy’s eyes. I want her to be a perfect little mini James. I want her to be everything that we always hoped and dreamed for her.
Sending you hugs. I also was widowed but our daughter was just short of 2. She reminds me every day of her incredible, awesome mother. I talk about her mother all of the time and tell stories since she has none that she can remember. My daughter is about to turn 19 and in her first year of college.
You will get through this, I promise. That baby of yours will demand that you get out of bed, feed her and love her. They have a way of doing that! You will (somehow) build a life for yourself and your baby because you’ve got the strength already.
Take only one day at a time. Some days my standards were whether or not my socks matched–that was a productive day. Truly. Next week, next month, next year will all take care of themselves.
This Sunday night is the anniversary of my wife’s death. I will follow the rituals of my community in commemorating her death, like I have every year. Rituals have a grounding effect and have reminded me that I am not the first nor the last to suffer this sudden, horrible loss. Rituals and routines make things a little more manageable. I still miss her after 17 years but not with the same pain of the early days. and I had a community of people to remember her with back then and now.
I won’t pretend that this doesn’t hurt like hell because it really does. But you aren’t alone and you’ve got the core to survive this. I am sure that is what your husband would want for you. Much love to you and your family. May his memory create many blessings and comfort in your heart.
You got this for your daughter. Think of the amazing mommy, you, that she has to model herself after. She will grow up in an amazing hone filled with memories of her daddy who she never knew, but you will make it just like she knew him cuz you will express your love for this man to your daughter. It’ll be just like she knew him but she will fill his love because you will remind her constantly.
Now to you — I too lost twice (literally lost everything twice though neither involved death), so I know if I can pick myself up again and again then for sure you can because you’ve shown you can and you have your daughter to care for which, quite frankly will not allow you to check out or give up.
You have 12 weeks to cry and go to therapy and then you have no choice but to be mighty. You got this.
My only advice is : remember everyday is an opportunity to be amazing every breathe a gift. Take the gift and be amazing for your daughter, take the opportunity to be amazing for you. CN has your back and we will cheer and celebrate your daughters birth. You got this!
I just stopped reading because I’m crying so hard. My heart and soul is with you offering as much strength as I can hold you up with. My darling beautiful woman. Your daughters little heart and her fingers wrapped around yours will take you forward and ease unimaginable grief.
Now, I’m in Oz and I’m a chef and baker. Hell, I brought fresh sourdough and lemon meringue pies to CN conference when Tracy came to Oz!
How do I join Chumps in Oz? How can we help? I can send fresh sourdough weekly. Can someone in Oz reach out to me?
I would like to join Oz Chumps as well. I will send Chump Lady my contact details. I needed this community so much when I left my cheating exhole. I know I need help now. Hopefully I can help people get over their cheaters in exchange. I did it and there really is a beautiful life on the other side of cheating.
Like you, I can’t imagine this dreadful, tragic thing happening. All I can do is tell you I’m holding your hand, all the way over the other side of the world. You must be stunned, devastated.
The other thing I’d say to you is, talk to James. It may sound crazy and you may want to hit me, but talk to him. Tell him all you’re feeling and how much you’re hurting. He loved you and your baby so much, he didn’t want to go either. Your child won’t meet him face to face, but you will have the most beautiful, perfect story to tell them about their Daddy, and nothing will ever, ever mar that beautiful story now. I’m so glad you have support flocking to you, dear Wishin, remember the arms of Chump Nation are around you too.
Best love ❤❤❤
I am so sorry for your loss. No one appreciates good love like those who have known bad love, like chumps. I am glad you found, if only for a short time, a good partner, and I cannot imagine the pain or the purpose of now losing it. My heart breaks for you. I can only pray that God gives you the strength and courage to endure, for that child conceived in love, and for the remainder of your own story, which remains unwritten. You are in our hearts. Amor vincit omnia.
You’re right nomar… after lop sided relationships, abuse and bad imaginary love…real love is a blessing I can’t even describe. It’s easy. It flows in the right direction without doubt and fear. It fills your soul to the brim and your cup runneth over with joy and so so much love. It’s turning up and showing up without excuses. It’s gentle and comforting and passionate and all consuming. It makes you realise you never knew what love was until you experience it. Having it ripped away…I feel a growing emptiness and a pain that has no name. I just know that the loss of James makes nothing ok.
Before, as you say, you used anger to propel you. Now, you use the deep love you felt for your husband (and that you felt for each other) on behalf of your daughter. You make a commitment to him, to his memory, to the love you shared and that went into the making of your daughter, and you use that commitment will provide you with strength and inspiration in the years to come as you raise your daughter.
Dear Wishin and precious baby girl Wishin,
I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now and words feel so useless. I’ll bet that every single person here would be with you now if they could. I wonder if Tracy can organize a way to connect with our members near you?
I am so very deeply sorry for what has happened.
I am just shocked to read this today and wishing for a magic wand to undo it.
Tracy please keep us posted on how we can help.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your sorrow. What I can tell you is once your daughter is born, she will become your light & drive to push forward in life and start anew creating a life that is filled with love. I know it’s hard to imagine now because you are in pain but this time next year will be different. Big hugs W! You are strong, you are mighty, you are love and I hope you know you are loved.❤️
I am retired now, and never knew the kind of love with a man you experienced with your husband. I hope it built a reserve of strength for you to draw on as you need it over the next few years, I suggest, whenever things are bad, not thinking about the far future, but instead concentrating on the immediate needs now.
It sounds like you have a wonderful foundation, built with the strong support of family and friends, and good healthy boundaries. Build on that stronghold. Every day you need to eat, sleep, and do the things you must do to keep yourself alive. You have to build the safe place for your child now. Soon, you will have two lives to be responsible for.
I have lost loved ones. I remember them in the good times. I don’t force the memories, they come at odd times. Something triggers a memory, and then I have a visit with someone I loved and will always love. I do not concentrate on the loss, but the gift of the time I had. I hope that when I am gone, my loved ones left will have this same experience with me.
I wish to be cremated, and when I told my sons, they asked where they would go to remember me? I told them they only had to close their eyes, that I would always live inside their memories. They would learn to treasure the ones they thought were bad at the time, because their perspective will have changed with age and maturing, and children of their own. Your beloved husband will always be with you in this way. You can make him a part of your daughter’s life in this same way. Love doesn’t ever leave without a trace.
I’m heart broken for you and your little one. I hope the love and support you need are around you now. Embrace it all. X
I am just so sad reading about your loss! I am a chump that was raked over the coals…or as my therapist said to me…the trauma of my divorce and the years of legal maneuvering was like him hitting me with a car and then I just kept rolling over painfully and it never stopped. However, it finally did stop. Here is the point of my comment to you, I met the most amazing man and my life is so much better, but sadly he is a tragic widower. He lost his wife to an aggressive cancer (both in their 40’s) and struggled to move forward with his two kids. When we were first in touch he was a shell of the person he used to be, paralyzed with grief and struggling to imagine his future. With time and friends, he slowly saw that he could move forward. We were friends first and then it progressed. I wish this for you one day as well. I hope you find another amazing soulmate who will love you and your daughter and also honor your late husband as I honor my husband’s late wife.
I am so very sorry. I know you have family and his mother to help you, but also please consider getting a nanny and/or housekeeper just to take some pressure off of you. You have enough to manage. But you are strong! You have been through terrible and survived. I’m know you will fight through this for yourself and your baby. Sending you so much love and I’m so very sorry.
In Blackwater Woods
by Mary Oliver
Look, the trees
their own bodies
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
the long tapers
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it
to let it go.
May you find peace, and joy in your memories and in the new life you have created.
i’m so sorry. these words are woefully inadequate.
W, I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through. I do agree with CL that your focus right now is your health, in whatever level you can handle it. Keeping appointments with your doctor of course, but also speaking to a counselor if needed, because this is absolutely a trauma. The only other thing I would mention is that, when she’s older, you’ll be able to tell your daughter without a shadow of a doubt how much her father loved her. The two of you wouldn’t have gone through these treatments if you didn’t want a baby, and that may be a comfort to her to know that her dad would never have left her willingly.
Saying sorry for your loss seems so insipid but I am truly sorry this happened to you. You had a wonderful man that was the love of your life and although it was far too brief at least you had an experience (most) everyone wants in their lifetime. He’ll live on through your child and together you’ll forge on…sending you all the blessings in the universe.
I don’t know what to say except I am so very sorry. Please know so many of us will be thinking of you. I am so sorry this happened to you after all you have been through.
I will echo what others have said – having my kids and having to “mom” is probably THE main thing that got me through our crappy chumpy situation. I know it’s not the same, but I hope that helps you move through this time as well. You are mighty.
I am also relieved to hear you have a good support system around you..don’t hesitate to reach out to them because this would have to be so hard to handle on your own. Hugs to you.
I don’t think I have any words. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
In no way am I suggesting you do this right now, but Judy Ford is an author and licensed clinical social worker who suddenly lost her husband young. She remarried shortly after and had a daughter, but if I recall correctly from her book, he was not nice and eventually abandoned her. I found her to be relatable and the book “Single” to be comforting, uplifting, and inspiring.
I am driven to read when I am distressed, but I was once advised to put the books down and just feel.
Wishing, my heart sunk reading your letter. My God, what the hell kind of challenge are you throwing at this woman that has already gone through quite enough challenges already?!
Where’s the sense to be gained from such a senseless experience? That life is unfair and suffering is not evenly distributed? I’m afraid that’s another unanswered question in a great big maddening pile. There is no sense to be had.
What does comes to my mind is your little one and what kind of strength her powerful mom is going to be able to pass on to her from this really challenging life we find ourselves in. It seems to contain so many unexpected blessings and too many unexpected tragedies.
Maybe somehow the takeaway involves even more love. Because that’s all we have, just this moment and no more to love with all we’ve been given, as often as we can.
Your daughter will know her daddy loved her to the moon and back and it’s sad beyond belief he is not there to share that love in person. But he isn’t the kind of daddy that still lives and breaths in the world but doesn’t know how to love, caring so little for his children and anything with their lives. No, her daddy loved her so very much and always will!!
So grieve, no way around that. I can’t picture your circumstance as anything but overwhelming, no shortcut road through the pain, it just is.
Lean on people that love you, they need you too. Family is everything, keep them close and let them help you through this.
Your baby girl is going to weasel her way into your heart with such force it will simply blow your mind. There is no bigger gift we can receive. Through her eyes, you will feel your husband’s presence. He will always be with you and your daughter through your lives,always.
Blessings and condolences to you. Love the hell out of that baby and receive her love in return, that’s where your healing takes place.
Will keep you in my prayers. God bless you and your new arrival, may the sunshine she brings with her, keep you both warm and safe. Take care.
Thank you. The words and support do help. It’s the middle of the night here and I’ve woken up because my sedatives have worn off. The crushing reality that he is dead just makes me want to follow him. He filled every space of my life! I don’t have tears right now, I think I’m just numb but I’m sure the screaming and tears will start again. They just come along with that growing void inside of me.
Each day I suffer through takes me further away from him which kills me. I just want him back so much. My world and heart have shattered into something unrecognisable. I love out baby but he was supposed to be here with us. I still can’t wrap my heart around the enormity of the loss. I expect him to come down the stairs. But I know I’m not hearing his voice again, holding him again, being comforted by him again. I never used the word “broken” to describe myself after leaving my previous exholes…but this time I am broken. So broken I don’t know how to keep going.
(((Hugs))) Honestly, I probably would have tried to follow him if I didn’t have the baby. I’ve spent too much of my life in pain and “getting over things” to move on. I want to believe there is a grand plan but this feels like a bad cosmic joke.
Dearest Wishing, sending much love to you. I believe there IS a grand plan, but not what we expect. I don’t believe these cruel things that happen are part of the plan; the plan to me is that each one of us lives the best life we can, and is the most human we can possibly be. For you that means grieving your lovely husband; allowing your loved ones to show how they love you by taking the best care of you; planning how you’ll show your precious daughter how much she was and is loved, by both her parents. You’re going through a terrible furnace of grief right now, but that will change, surviving chumpdom proved that to you. Holding you and your family in the light xxx
Wishing, *you* have a grand plan- to raise his child with all the love he would have. I didn’t know him but from your description it sounds like what he would want.
Please post back if you’re still around and in need of support. It’s night here but I’ll be awake late. I wouldn’t at all mind making a long distance call to Oz or posting my email here either.
I have struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for years so I know that sometimes you just need that one little thing to hold onto- a few words of comfort, some music, the sound of a loved one’s gentle voice.
I’m crying for you. I can feel you over here, all the way across the planet.
I can’t find the words to express my sorrow at your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through but am so sorry. Sending love and prayers. I believe your coming child will bring the healing you so need. God bless.
I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say that makes any sense right now.
I am so glad you found your true love, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know your new baby will bring you comfort and peace.
I’m sorry for the anger, pain and confusion you will feel for the next few years. Hospice has free, wonderful counseling. IMHO, no matter how someone dies, or at what age, it is a huge shock to your psyche. I highly recommend you go out of your way to document everything concerning your baby. The brain has a way of forgetting this hard time. Don’t wanna miss a moment or forget a moment of your babies life.This is the most important time in your life to practice self-care. Most chumps have to work really hard at self-care. Think of doing it for your baby. Wishing you all the happiness you can find each day.
Just wanted to second the great advice Hcard gave you here about documenting your baby’s life. You will be eternally grateful you did that down the line. I kept detailed journals on my three children up until middle school when it got wild and crazy and I simply gave it up. In particular jot down things they say, it is so much fun to read years later, an invaluable source of laughs and pleasure, even 30 years later we laugh at them. It’s incredible how much you will forget if not written down, especially, I would think, when grieving will take a big chunk of your brain right now. My journals are as valuable as my photos, maybe more so. I would suggest you keep a daily yearly planner with you all the time so you can quickly jot things down when they happen and then every couple of weeks, you can transpose the info from the planner into a journal with more detail.
I want to ‘third’ the great advice of documenting your baby’s life. When each of my three sons were born, I got a scrapbook with empty pages and filled it with pictures, anecdotes, and memories. Today when my sons introduce their girlfriends to the family, they pull out those baby books and show them. When I made those books, I never knew how much they would mean to them in the future. They certainly mean a lot to me, but it is such a special present to them each and every time they show off their books. Not only are the books special presents to them, but it’s like another wonderful present to me even 40 years later whenever they open their books. I’ll have these ‘presents’ the rest of my life. You cannot get the years or the memories back as accurate as the day that they occur, so take the time (no matter how exhausting your day) to record the special events. Write down what is going through your mind as you make a memory. Those memoirs will allow your daughter to see her mom as a real human being.
Dearest Wishing, we are all wishing hard, that you find your happiness. Your honey sounds like he was sweet and wonderful, so so sorry about what happened! I’m glad you had him, even though it was too short a time, but he left you the biggest gift he could. I think you should start each day with a prayer of thanks for that, and a promise to feel happiness for a new little life. She needs you to feel happy, and I know that’s a big job for you! Sending you lots of love, and energy, sweet Wishing ❤️
I thought of something else- maybe try to focus on just the basics of life, and create rituals around them. That can help you get through each day. Set out your setting for breakfast the night before, get up at the same time, eat the specific food you decided on (you have to make yourself eat enough!), have a date with your Mom, or friend, that you come together each week, light a candle for your love. Rituals. I find they can help set a tone for healing, in time.
So sorry for the loss of your wonderful loving husband. Having built a support system with friends and family you are surrounded with others who can provide comfort and care. Be sure to keep reaching out throughout your pregnancy and birth of your baby girl. Accept all the help offered and reach out whenever a need arises.
You have such strength and courage yet nothing prepares you for this sorrow. We are here for you as always. Sending loving hugs.
I am so sorry! Hugs and love to you and your baby.
Wishin, sending you so much love and support. My father died in front of me of a heart attack when I was 15– he was 42. The unexpected shock and trauma were excruciating. A grief group of others who also suffered traumatic and sudden deaths of (young) loved ones was really helpful. Nothing really mitigates the grief but time. Feel the grief. Set aside time for a bit of normality and even pleasure every day — like a break from the grief processing. Practice extreme self care.
In a few weeks you might want a few sessions with Krista St. Germaine, an online coach who works with young mother widows (she was also widowed as a young mom): https://www.coachingwithkrista.com/
WishingForHappiness – Words utterly fail me. All you can do right now is let people take care of you. Mourn. Trust that no, you will NEVER forget your husband and for your daughter, you will persevere.
@ChumpLady – If WishingForHappiness wants to maintain her privacy (which I think each and every one of us would understand), can you put together some sort of list of needed things for WFH and her little girl that CN could procure now and in the future?
Not because she doesn’t have help now and won’t in the future – but day-to-day stuff pops up and she can’t anticipate everything.
Her daughter could be the beneficiary of the CN future education fund, for example.
My own father passed away when I was a little girl. In her grief, my mother sold, trashed, or gave away many mementos of him. Spend some time being mindful about preserving everything you car for your little one. They will want to know what he looked like, sounded like, what cologne he wore, what music he liked.
I also went through IVF to conceive my child and went through D-day at 7 months pregnant. Your future child can be your “fire” to get through this time. He or she will consume your every minute upon arrival. Your husband’s life continues in the life of this little one. Caring for this child be a way to honor his life and commitment to you. In my case, my child’s existence when D-day hit gave me strength I didn’t know I had to completely change my mind about my marriage and stop pick me dancing. There is a mama bear instinct that kicks in and gives you strength you didn’t know you had. You can do this.
It is very early in the grief process. “Tuesday” is the day when “meh” comes and thoughts of a FW no longer sting or inspire anger or anything but meh. Loss of a loved one never turns to meh. There will be more times when you remember him and smile than remember him and cry. But you will not remember him and think “meh.”
One of the ladies who is in my IVF support group (we are all still in touch) eventually had three children through IVF. When the youngest was 9 months old, her spouse died. It is almost 3 years on and she has remarried. I am very happy for her and amazed that she found love again. Everyone processes grief differently and on their own timeline. I couldn’t imagine having married again in 3 years but it works for her! The point I am trying to make is that you put one foot in front of the other and keep going. There is no set amount of time or magic answer. Take advantage of all support offered and be kind and gentle to yourself. You are mighty. Being sad and going through grief doesn’t change the strength that lies within you. How blessed you are to have had the time you did with this man who loved and valued you. He treated you the way you deserved. I’m so sorry it ended but how lovely that you got to be his wife and enjoy a loving relationship after what had happened to you before. Life is unfair and I’m hoping you find peace and also joy in this beautiful child you are carrying.
Wishing, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope family and friends and CN bring you some solace. If you have the interest and wherewithal, please tell us about him—something he loved to do, that filled his heart with passion. May his memory be a blessing. Hug
He was truly wonderful. A gentle giant of a man. He met me and my life blossomed into total perfection. I’d never know anyone could love me like he loved me or that I could love anyone like I loved him. It made all “loves” that came before him look stupid and cheap.
And the tears have started again.
He could calm me down at any point during this high risk pregnancy. He took care of me even though I was a hyperemesis gravidarum vomiting mess. He just loved me…he was so excited to be a daddy! And now he’s gone. He left through the door to our home in a black body bag and I know he isn’t coming back to tease me or talk baby names or sing silly songs to our puppies. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and I can’t.
I so hope that I can find purpose when the baby is here. I really do. She deserves so much love because she is so loved by me and James. I just can’t feel that purpose. I actually started bargaining with God that I would live the next 3 months so she can be born but to take me after that to be with James please.
Those dark thoughts comfort and scare me which is probably why my parents are essentially moving in with me right now. I so want to be strong, but I never ever thought in my wildest dreams that I would need strength to endure this.
It’s the middle of the night there. These are the dark hours of grief. Please don’t listen to oblivion. I’m so glad your parents are moving in. You should not be alone.
James sounds like a wonderful man — anyone who sings to puppies is a good guy. Pull through and carry that silly songs for dogs tradition on to your daughter. Maybe this sounds insane but make lists? Just whatever gets you through to the next minute. Best Things About James. Silly Songs. Favorite Foods. Or practical lists? Every single thing you can outsource to everyone now? Or you can just stay up and type James stories at us.
I’m in the same timezone. If you need to reach out, leave a message on chumps in OZ, and I’ll drop my personal number. I can lend you an ear as long as you need. I had a panic attack 2 days ago and reached out to a friend in Canada to get me through it. We need someone to lean on, and I’m sure there are folks here in every time zone to help you through the night. Look for the tools God sends you to get through it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
When my husband died, I started a journal about him – I put those kinds of lists in there, and every time I remembered something else, I would grab the journal. It made a wonderful gift for my son when he turned 18. (He was 3 when my husband passed.)
Such a thoughtful journal to do for your son.????
My Grandchildren lost their Dad at a young age and immediately they turned to the scrapbooks I had made for them up to that time. They will always treasure them.
Wishin, thank you for sharing these lovely things James does. You wonder if you have the strength needed to continue. You have it right now. Seeking help, sharing parts of Janes with CN, both of those actions take strength—real fucking strong strength. And when your daughter is born, your strength will double. No bargaining with a higher power needed. That double-the-strength strength just comes. I firmly believe this, and every experience shared here by CN members proves it: We receive nothing in this life that we cannot handle. You can handle this. You ARE handling this. You are handling this. You got this. Hug
Don’t listen to Oblivion, Wishing. Don’t leave Baby Wishin alone wondering fir the rest of her life why she wasn’t enough and you had to go. Don’t let so many things James did die with you, live and tell people, especially your daughter, all about him. Don’t deny yourself the chance to see your daughter grow or how her grandparents love her. It’s what James would want you to do, lovely xxx
I’m so sorry. This is incredibly unfair and it will never stop feeling unfair. I won’t tell you that things will get better (they will) because that doesn’t always help in the moment, but I do encourage you to put as much energy as you have into loving that baby. A train doesn’t make it through a tunnel by seeing the light at the other side, it keeps its engine running and turns on its own lights. Grief and loss is a monster of a thing. Sometimes all we can do is keep our engine running and lights on and hope that eventually the tunnel ends.
Words don’t really help…but I’m holding space for you. My best friend said that to me when I was chumped, and it was comforting to know that someone else was trying to help me carry the pain. So, please know that CN is holding space for whatever you are feeling, and we are all trying our best to help you feel like you are supported.
My only “advice” (if you could call it that) would be that you might be interested in a few podcasts that may help you feel less alone in your pain: (1) Everything Happens by Kate Bowler, and (2) Terrible, Thanks for Asking by Nora McInerny. #2 may be particularly good, as the host also lost her husband when he was young and they had a young child. Sending all of the hugs to you.
Oh W…I am so sorry. This is so, so, so unfair! I wish I could help you in some way. I don’t know what to say except I am so sorry and I am crying for you. I’m sending you hugs and love.
I know all too well that there are no words to describe your pain and anguish right now.
My son passed away in a car accident 7 years ago just shy of his 17th birthday. I know it isn’t the same kind of loss but a traumatic loss nonetheless. I remember wondering how I could continue to live in a world he was no longer a part of and it nearly killed me. As time went on, I realized that he is still very much a part of this world. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, he is here. When I see his friends and we talk about memories past, the memorial garden at his high school baseball team, memories shared by my other two children, the list goes on. It took me a long time to realize those things were blessings because at first they we just painful reminders of what was lost. You got to be his last and FOREVER love. You will see him in your precious baby’s eyes and feel him so deep in your heart and soul that you will swear he is there with you. It is a new kind of normal to say the least. Painful at times without a doubt. But look around, he is everywhere. I learned to embrace all of the things that were reminders of him. I talk about him constantly because it is proof that he was here and he is still a part of my every day life. I feel blessed to have had him here even though I feel robbed of many future things. It will always hurt. I still have days where it breaks me. But just like my son, your husband left a mark here on this earth and I know in time you will live and prosper on this new journey. He is a beautiful part of yours and your daughter’s story. Let his memory SHINE every chance you get!
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Son. ❤️
Thank you so much for these words. You describe my pain and give that howling void inside me a description. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that shattering world altering pain. I can’t seem to make my mind work right now. I want him back and I beg to be with him.
I talk about James all the time. I cry and scream most of my waking life. I don’t know how I’m going to do this without him. Our home needed two people for maintenance- I know next to nothing about caring for his much loved garden. I was going to learn more this Spring. He spent so much time making improvements around the house but so many projects remain unfinished and I don’t know how to finish them…we always did them together, learning along the way.
All our electronics he took care of. He was so physically strong that he carried and did everything…I can’t lift more than 2lt of milk right now.
How do I keep finding purpose without someone that truly loved me. The longs years of my life ahead of me have dilated into something too awful to contemplate. Thank you for lending me your strength. I really needed it.
I wish I could do more than just lend you strength for sure. You and I both know that there are no magical words to make this horrifying pain go away. But all of us are here and present for you. I know it is hard to do right now, but perhaps try not to focus on all of those things (the garden, electronic, etc) as a group of things that need your immediate thought and attention. Maybe pick one at a time and do just a little looking into it to learn something about what he had a passion for so it isn’t so overwhelming. These days are hard and long but also seem like a blur at the same time. It’s like an alternate universe that you are stuck in. Grief is a relentless beast that tears us to shreds at every turn, and you can not outrun it. BUT GRIEF IS ALSO PROOF OF LOVE.
I want to share something with you, and it may be too soon but maybe useful in the weeks/months to come. One of the hardest things for me when Dez passed away was giving myself permission. It was and still is something that I grapple with all time. Let me explain…
In the first days I had to give myself permission to not be strong, to cry/ scream and let the messy grief happen. I had to give myself permission to feel it. Shock took over for the first few months and I was so afraid of the numbness wearing off. Then I had to give myself permission to eventually even smile. laugh or allow myself to experience any kind of joy (and it never came without a twinge of guilt). Eventually permission to accept what has happened becomes vital but that does NOT mean it has to happen today and it does NOT mean you ever have to let go. (And by the way don’t let ANYONE put a timeline on your grief. This is YOURS. HE IS YOURS).
Each day I have to give my self permission to go on without him physically here. I have to look at myself and say that today I am going to do my best to make him proud. I have a book that I write letters to him in, telling him about everything going on here with his brother and sister, just life in general. I guess I like keeping him in the loop LOL.
There are many things I have NOT given myself permission to do yet, like move his personal belongings, clean out his dresser or deactivate his cell phone number.
So my friend, maybe for today just give yourself permission to NOT be okay. Give yourself permission to nourish body for that sweet baby growing inside of you. Give yourself permission to do the bare minimum to just to make it through another day.
Love, hugs and prayers. I wish there was a way we could check in on you from time to time and stay in touch!
Love and Hugs Amy! I love how you still connect with your son in your letters to him and finding him and his signs to you in your life. My sister lost her son when he was 27. We both still see Colter in small signs and moments, memories we are so blessed to have with them. Thank you for sharing your journey of grief with all of us too.
Amy, I thought I had quite a cry earlier but your story…. my heart goes out to you. I have no words.
I’m sorry this is such a late reply, but I have long workdays (12 hours yesterday), and I had to get some rest before writing this. I’m sending all the love and hugs I can to you across the miles. I’ve never been in your position, as I’m male, but I’ve been dealing w/death since I was a little kid. I’m 53 years old now, so I’ve gotten a lot of experience w/it at this point, for better or worse.
It never gets easier, especially when it happens to someone you’re very close to. For me, it was my Dad dying in my senior year of college. I still miss him every day, and that was 32 years ago. I I will never say you’ll get over this blow. And w/your daughter on the way, you’ll have another reminder of the love you had w/your husband. Which can be tough, but it also can be great.
I think what I’ve learned finally from all the death in my life, as well as if not more from recovering from infidelity, is how much having a positive perspective can help you get thru these rough times. I’m not saying you’ll get happy overnight. You’ve got to grieve, for as long as it takes you. But if you can, try to keep in the back of your mind what a blessing it was to have this man, this person in your life. Your baby will be a physical reminder of that as well, I hope. I won’t say it’s easy, but if you try, I think it will help you. It’s always helped me (ok, I had a positive attitude that I was going to survive and thrive despite dealing w/the infidelity of my FW XW, but still, a positive attitude saw me thru, and is still seeing me thru).
I still miss my Dad. I still cry sometimes when something reminds me of him. I still cry over the love I never really had w/the FW XW (I had an almost 25 year mirage, not a marriage, as Velvet Hammer would say). She’s getting married this Labor Day weekend to her pathetic, older former boss AP. But eventually, I always pull myself out of my sadness/grief (and it takes some work and concentration frequently) and remind myself that I can’t change things, and I can either spiral downward w/despondent thoughts, or I can focus on my future and my LIFE, which is a gift, though it doesn’t always seem that way. But it is. You matter, your baby matters. That’s what you have to focus on. Slowly, building a path towards that if you can. I know you can, but you have to want it. Please want it. Your husband would want you to. He’d want to see you flourish, even though he can’t physically be w/you. He’s there w/you in spirit, if you let him.
I’d write more, but I’ve got to get going for work. Just remember, we’re all here for you. I hope someday to experience the gift of true love like you had w/him. What a beautiful thing. I hope you can focus more on that blessing, than how hard it is to not have it now. And everything Amy said is golden.
Last thing. I don’t know if you’re into reading, or audiobooks, but I recommend the kids book “King of the Mild Frontier,” by Chris Crutcher. It’s sort of his autobiography, but it’s packed w/funny stories of his youth, and also, a whole lot of wisdom for kids and adults alike about life. I recommend the audiobook if you can. It’s read by the author. It’s great. I got it to listen to w/my son a few years ago, and I realized what a gem it was. I hope it can be of use to you.
I hope you can master your grief to see that your better days are ahead for yourself and your daughter. I’ll be rooting for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing, and if we can be of help.
Bless you, Amy, for taking the time to share your loss. I’m so glad your son is still with you.
I’m so horribly sorry for your loss, Wishing. It’s totally unfair and tragic. It takes a while, but that awful, elephant-on-your-chest crushing grief does ease up in time. Focus on the basics and taking care of yourself. Like others on here have said, grief counseling can help so much. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it can be a guide for getting through it. I think your late husband was sent to you to help you heal and show you what real love can be like. Though he couldn’t stay for long, he gave you the most amazing gift of a child to love. You will always have that piece of him in your baby.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Love and hugs to you and your precious daughter.
Sending big hugs to you from another Chump of CN.
I am so sorry for your tragic loss.
My daughter lost her young husband very suddenly. At his funeral she promised to care for their young children, she did and she does. They are so very close to each other.
Take care of yourself the best that you can. Think and plan ahead for the delivery of your precious baby girl.
So glad that you have family & friends to help you each day.
Take your time to grieve your loss, which I am sure takes forever.
Your beloved husband lives on each day, in your heart, and soon in the tiny being you created together.
Everywhere you go, everywhere your precious baby is, he is there,
Forever, in your heart❤️????
the randomness of it all can feel so overwhelming. I am so sorry for your loss. I do not want to speak for James but I can only imagine how much he loved you and how precious your continued life must be to him. If there’s anything Chump Nation can do to collectively support you and your miraculous daughter I would gladly help. We will be pulling for you! Lots of love to you and your family.
I have found Tara Brach’s podcasts to be comforting and informative. Listen to/watch her youtube videos entitled RAIN to help manage strong emotions. I hope your baby brings you the promise of joy. You are mighty.
My heart hurts for you, Wishinforhappiness. All the kind words in the world can’t alleviate your suffering, but please know that you don’t suffer alone. May the thoughts and prayers of the mighty Chump Nation cloak you in comfort and solace as you process your grief. Please be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself to the very best of your abilities. Take each day one at a time, and be patient and gentle with yourself as your heart and your soul heal from this tremendous loss. Your daughter is fortunate to have a warrior such as yourself for a mother. You are young and strong with many beautiful memories yet to be made. You can do this, and you will with the loving support of your family and friends.
You found that elusive “real monkey love.” The past few days I’ve been wondering if it exists in real life. Your letter makes me believe.
I cannot imagine finally getting to hold it close to me and then have it dissolve through my hands……..
I am sending love and light. The dark hallways get so long and dark. I hope you can find a friend to at least hold your hand for a bit as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m so very sorry this happened to you. You deserve more. Hug your little monkey tightly.
Wishing you peace and healing
I’ll say prayers for you. I believe that’s the best thing that I can ever offer. However, I will also say how deeply sorry I am for you. I know that doesn’t help. You just want James back and for everything to be back to normal. At the risk of sounding stupid, this is the new normal. (I know… That’s not very helpful…) You’ve had all your hopes and dreams ripped out right from under you. You’re in complete shock right now. And as non-comforting as what I’m going to say is…, you were blessed to have such a fabulous man come into your life. God granted this man to give you a glimpse into a more wonderful and exciting future. It so, so sucks to think He blessed you and then yanked it right out from underneath you. But you were blessed. And you’re still blessed because you have a new life forming in you right now. This new little person is going to need her mama to give her confidence, love, a good solid foundation and to let her know that she’s a wonderful human being and deserves respect. It so, so sucks that James won’t be able to share your daughter, but I bet if you say some words to him while you’re raising your daughter, James will listen and will pray for you as well. Make sure to tell him of your struggles as well as your wonderful times. As long as you keep talking to him, he’ll remain with you. It won’t help when you miss him every night, when you don’t get his hugs anymore, but though he’s not with you physically, he’s with you spiritually. May God console you at this very, very difficult time.
First off, you know this already but I am going to tell you anyway because I know I have always needed reminders when in similar situations…
You ARE experiencing grief.
It feels horrible.
It is a process.
Don’t push it away.
Trust the process.
Let it wash through you.
Your feelings will not kill you.
Many have walked the same path you are walking and paths even more devastating than yours and they have survived.
Find those people.
Learn from them.
Be kind and gentle and patient with yourself.
I have gone through much in my lifetime. I thought I had earned my way into ‘my golden years’ but life had something else in store for me. What I am living through today is one of the worst things any mother has to endure yet I am doing it a day at a time.
If I can do it, you can too.
This woman’s story, and her books, have helped me a lot and they are getting me through these tough times now.
I hope her words can reach your breaking heart.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no words that can help you. I wish I did. I hope you can feel us sitting with you through the long nights of grief and that gives you some comfort.
WishinforHappiness, My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine how do you feel, life is so very unfair.
Sending you love.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the enormity of the pain you must be feeling.
I have an acquaintance who lived a very similar experience, only her baby had already been born, but was only months old at the time. I asked her how she pushed through. She told me “I tried to imagine the life that he’d have wanted for me”.
I am glad to read that your parents are moving in with you, and most of all, that they can be there for you. Take care of yourself, and let yourself be taken care of too.
Big, big hugs.
“I tried to imagine the life that he’d have wanted for me”.
I LOVE THIS!!
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved and caring husband. You sound like a wonderful person too; and I think you will see so much of him in your baby, when the baby is born.
My mother died when I was young, and she too was a deeply good and positive person. The loss for the first few years was like being swept out to sea, gasping to survive drowning in grief, there was so much of it, and it was there at every turn. I was lucky enough to find a therapist who had lost her mother when young too, who guided me throught the first year. But even when I finally found my footing, waves of it would come back at every transition in my life. When some one so good-hearted and kind and lovable leaves the world, it leaves a terrible rift, a chasm that you and his loved ones all will need to fill eventually, and you will, but it will take time. Waking, sleeping, walking, you keep being reminded, and the grief is so huge, it just seems unbearable to keep feeling it at the level you are feeling it now.
There are three mistakes I made, which I hope you will have the support to avoid: I was avoiding letting myself feel the deepest grief because of fear of how bad I was going to feel, sort of an emotophobia. I kind of went dead instead, and it was bad for my physical health. But with the help of a therapist and with friends, when I just gave myself scheduled space and permission to cry and truly feel it each day, I’d feel much better and fully able to cope. Signing up with a co-counseling group that will pair you with people who will hold the space while you cry for an hour a day may save your life. Let yourself really feel and express it during assigned times every day, so that you can both really feel, and also give your body vacations from feeling it all the time. Because, the second mistake I made: please, don’t feel like you are being disloyal to give yourself regular vacations from the grief–to distract yourself with positive activity. If you need to watch comedy or play with puppies or get a physical therapist or Thai Yoga teacher to do one-on-one regular exercises with, in order to give your body a regular rest from the deep grieving, for goodness’ sake take those healing actions often and make them your new habit. The body gets exhausted from all the grieving, and laughter and movement are a great way to relieve the body of the tension and anxiety that otherwise mount up unbearably because of that deep undercurrent of grief. Your body will work best that way. Take care of your body every day as if it were a separate child that you already have; your child-to-be can only benefit.
The third mistake I made was to self-isolate, believing that I was not acceptable to anyone in my emotionally messy, grieving state. That is a mistake I still make, it has been a life-time process correcting that because of family-of-origin issues. All I can say is, if you do that too, please, force yourself to reach out, and find support even when you fear you are the most unlovable. Do it for the sake of your baby, it might be easier to follow through on it that way.
Finally: what drew you to your beloved husband in the first place is partly that you share some of his qualities, as do his friends and family, and probably so will the baby to come. When you are in the same room with like-minded people, both those you know now and those you will come to meet in the future, you will feel his presence again; and as the years go on, you will fill that chasm eventually–it will be a community effort, because his loss is a community loss. Your baby will know him by the qualities that you and your friends and relatives live and show every day. And you will, someday, feel deep joy again, I promise it will happen. Please hold onto hope; hold onto your bravery and hold onto the values that you and your husband share, and your little one will grow up to honor them too.
If your area has something like the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families, or groups for grieving widows and widowers, it might also be a life saver to try some of them and join one.
Bless you for sharing such wonderful, learned-the-hard-way advice, Marathon Chump. I will keep this information for me because it’s only a matter of time before it’s my turn to experience such loss. (It’s inevitable the older I get.)
Thank you, Amazon Chump! I hope it will be a very long time yet before you need to say those hard goodbyes!
What I have always done when in unbearable pain…
One moment at a time
Do the next right thing
JUST FOR TODAY.
Today might feel too much. So just break the day into pieces….just for this morning, then afternoon, then evening.
If those pieces are too much , do the next hour, the next ten minutes.
Mother Jones (the real person) inspires me. She lost all of her children and her husband to disease. She kept going. I know someone whose house burned down on Christmas Eve. Both her parents and three children were killed in the fire. I need to hear the stories of others to help me keep going.
Do not leave. You and your baby are supposed to be here even though you don’t feel it right now. Ride out pain with the support of as many trusted people as you can gather around you. Have family and friends come over and just be with you in the house. Ask people to do things for you. People who love you do really want to help and be there with you.
I think tragedy feels insurmountable because it can be….when we are alone. Use your phone and reach out to those whom you love and trust. You are not alone.
Call me crazy but I believe your husband is with you. I’ve had enough inexplicable experiences to cause me to believe in that sort of thing. Talk to him and ask him to reveal his presence to you in a way that is unmistakable to you.
Madonna Badger’s Ted Talk on profound loss and grief has helped me. Here it is in case you are interested. I needed to hear from someone who has had to go through unimaginable loss and listening to her has helped me.
Right now you need self care. You are in shock. Keep eating that healthy food, getting some rest even if it isn’t sleep. See your doctor. Have others cook for you. Don’t cast back to the cheaters. Deal with what’s in front of you each day. You’ll get through this and make sense of it but not right now while you’re in shock.
Self care, self care, self care.
Lots of love
Right now you don’t have to do anything. Let people take care of you and put one foot in front of the other, preferably.
I hate that you’re hurting. But I hope you will come to see- James was there to show you there is lift. There is light. There is hope. After the dark, there can be hope again. You have been through it, and shit now you’re in the crap again but… you know that pain is finite. Joy is able to be discovered.
It will not happen soon. It will suck. You never have to ‘get over him’. You’re always allowed to miss him, to love him, to thank him for the time you did have. For bringing you another puzzle piece of life in the form of a daughter.
This is not fair. Not even close. You should have had gobs of decades of joy. You should have had piles of babies with him. You are absolutely right this is shit. But in a few weeks, a few months, you will be ready to walk more than the block. Or laugh at a random fart your pregnant body lets out like it or not. Or cry at a silly commercial. And you’ll always love the smell of his shirts. Miss the feel of him rubbing your bum. But missing, grief, it’s evidence that love was strong. And it will make you strong, and you will be ok. You will raise this kid to be ready for anything.
We love you.
We are with you.
Everything you said is so true. I am going to miss him for the rest of my life. I already zip-locked one of his used shirts and a hoodie. He’d just done a bumper load of laundry so I don’t have heaps of used shirts…just another horrible horrible twist of the knife.
The games we played together are sitting in front of me. I don’t have the heart to move them away but I keep remembering how much fun we were having, how into it he was getting. He hadn’t slept the night before he died and he’d sent me a text about the game. I left our bed at 3am to eat cereal…he said he’d come down if I didn’t come back to bed. I came back to bed and he was happy to see me. I wish I’d dragged him downstairs with me. Maybe we could have avoided all this nightmare. Maybe he would still be with me if we’d been together and downstairs. I torture myself with this.
Other people got decades with their loved one…I got no where near that. My shitty relationships with abusers were longer than my relationship with the love of my life. It’s beyond unfair. I need him, our little girl needs him. And we can’t have him. I know he didn’t want to go. He’d have fought death to stay with us…I just wish I could have fought by his side. We were each other’s sword and shield.
I need to believe I can find hope and joy. Each of those things feels like I’m letting him down…not loving him as much as he so deeply deserves. This pain has to ease up for my sanity otherwise I can’t keep doing it.
My cousin lost her husband in her 20s. She had 3 kids under 5, including a newborn and no advanced education. She found joy in her kids, in that ordinary life they had together, in the support of her amazing mother, and later, in meeting and marrying a widower with kids of his own. She might have found joy in the roses in the garden, in the cold nose of a pet, in doing meaningful work, in a rainbow after the rain.
“I need to believe I can find hope and joy. Each of those things feels like I’m letting him down…not loving him as much as he so deeply deserves.”
Were the roles reversed, and James were the one left behind, would you feel by finding hope and joy that James was letting you down? Or instead, would you want him to honor his love for you by treating himself with the greatest of care and tenderness during this time of pain and darkness, loving your beautiful daughter fiercely, and filling your daughter’s world with happiness and joy and wonder and hope? To one of your earlier comments – “it was James giving me strength” – what do you think James would tell you if he knew he was going to go and he was able to say goodbye first? What words of wisdom and kindness and love do you think he would share? How would he encourage you to find hope and joy once he knew he could no longer walk physically alongside you to encourage it himself?
I am so terribly sorry you are losing the life and dreams you thought you would have. I imagine the pain and suffering and terrible senselessness feel all-consuming right now. And it will for a long time. Baby steps towards healing, baby steps towards hope, baby steps towards joy. While I imagine it seems unimaginable right now, this grief and pain and devastating loss will shape you, but it will not define you. With time and healing and grief and rage and support, you can transform this pain, and with James’ love as a guiding light, you can start to build new dreams. True love endures – James and his love for you live on in you and in your beautiful daughter. Don’t let go. Don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop reaching out for support. Don’t give up. James needs you to hold on for her, and he needs you to hold on for you, too.
Sending you all the love and hugs. I am so very sorry for this cruel loss.
Dearest Wishin, I came here to say exactly what Questrelle has said. If you could speak to James right now, wherever he is, what would he want you to do? He would grieve with you for all the years you three won’t have as a family, and all the memories you won’t be able to make. Then he’d tell you to be kind to yourself, stay well body and soul, treasure the people who love you, wait for the joy your daughter will bring. He’d want to know if your daughter will love to play those same games with you that he enjoyed. And I’d bet he’d tell you that ‘what if’ is not worth your emotional energy, and he’d tell you he loves you.
With you today Wishing, much love x
It’s OK to not be OK. You’re handling this the best way you know how and will one day come through this tragic time of loss to be a light unto another’s path. I’m truly sorry for your loss. Others care, can feel your pain, and are holding you up while you need it most.
A thought that came to me was to name that precious child of yours after him! Jamie might be a fitting
honorary name – as an example. Cherish that new baby as she grows to reveal qualities, mannerisms,
personality and looks that resemble your beloved. Treasure this child in his honor. Live your life knowing you have a part of him with you; a big part of him that will bring you joy each new day. Your departed beloved would love nothing more than to know his child was safe, secure, and loved by you.
Our hearts are heavy, but also with you. Sending my sympathy at your loss, and also much love!
I know that the pain is so overwhelming that it feels like ending your life and joining James is the only solution that makes sense. This is a strong pull. We are reaching out from all over the earth to hold your hands and help you resist the vortex.
There are people who love you and need you. Your sweet daughter loves you and needs you. She is your connection to James; his DNA lives on through her. She is the embodiment of your love.
You will make it, one breath at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time. Your life will be beautiful again. Until then, we are here with you.
I haven’t read what anybody else has written so I may be repeating something. First sending you lots of love and many virtual hugs. The second thing is if you’ve got videos of any kind digitize them, make sure you have all the pictures of him, all the interactions you and he have had, anything from his childhood and make sure it’s all in one place so that he/she can access it.
Wishin’, I’m so very sorry for this sudden and terrible loss. I want to agree with Creativerational above: lean on those who love you and want to take care of you: your parents, your sister, your husband’s mom, your friends–your tribe. If you belong a church or faith community, reach out to them for help with the dogs.
Here are some thoughts:
1. This loss is not a shit sandwich like you experienced before. It’s a tragedy. That’s an overused word but in your case, it applies. What you had was real and powerful and important. You created a new life together. You had pets together. You have a real home, where he was and still is present–in the things he left behind, in the things he did for the home, in the pets, and in you. My therapist says that this kind of grief is like a tree that experiences an injury. The tree survives and continues to grow around the injured part. Your love and this loss will always be a part of you but in time, what you had together will weave into the woman and mother you will become.
2. Live in the present moment, one moment at a time. Just as you had no idea you would become pregnant on your own, after trying so hard with IVF, you can’t know what life has in store for you in the future. Miss you husband in the present moment. Mourn the dreams you had for a life together. The only future event to concern yourself with in the birth of your baby.
3. Self-care: massage, if the doctor allows it; healthy food; reading and writing here or on the Reddit subform, where you can get big virtual support every day. If you need to vent to someone in real life, consider a counselor. I’ve done a lot of therapy but when I lost my dear friend, I turned to a spiritual advisor. But it helps to have someone outside of your family and friend network to hear things you won’t want to say to those closest to you, to hear not just about your grief, but your anger and your fear.
Many years ago, a widow was expected to go into “mourning” for a year, avoiding social occasions, wearing first black clothing and then “half mourning,” usually gray, after the first year. Those old, rigid customs are long gone, but we do well to remember the wisdom behind them–that when we are in mourning, we need to pull our energy in to take care of our own basic needs and others need to know we need special care and support. Big hugs. The fact that you are coherent enough to write to CL is mighty. And it shows that you are already reaching out to this part of your tribe for support.
Oh Lovedajackass…I remember you! Thank you for reaching out. You were a voice of rational calm and good advice when I arrived here crying over a cheater and rebuilding my life.
I am crying…I do need to keep growing and moving forward around this mortal wound. I have our baby that I need to live for…so I can see James in her. I keep begging for James to come back or for time to twist so I can I can be back with him. I talk to him now and try to remember all the silly songs he would sing to me and the puppies. I am so worried he is fading. It’s been less than a week since I held him in my arms and I am desperately trying to remember all the beautiful things, cute, sweet and funny things about him. He feels so fresh and yet, like a far away dream. I can’t bare to really look at photographs yet.
My work is organising a counsellor for me. 8-10 sessions on them. I am grateful for my work. I’m one income now so I already know from those bad old cheater days how important it is to hold onto that income for my survival. I have a baby coming too and I need my job so that has to be a priority. I have taken leave but I’ll get back soon. I and our daughter need me to focus on this. James did not have life insurance and there is no “pay day” coming from anywhere due to his death. The savings we had for baby are now for James’ funeral but I am accepting the help from my parents and his family to cover the costs that I am not able to. They don’t want me to take on additional debt to bury the love of my life. Initially I resisted but beggers can’t be choosers and I already have to assess if I can even handle our current home. I think I can but if not…instead of my parents moving in with me – I’ll be moving in with them until I can get back o to my feet.
Life is so unfair. I’ve rebuilt before but this rebuilding is going to gut me and then sear every single one of my atoms. Funerals and babies are expensive…we budgeted for a baby. We did not budget for a funeral and baby. ???? But I can do this. I’m leaning on people and I keep talking to James as I wander around the house. I hope he is here watching and just trying to be close. Right now I need to believe it.
I feel devastation inside just reading this. This sweet woman, I can’t…
I have no wisdom to offer except please you know I’m praying for you and your little girl.
May God be the ground beneath your heels and may God be the light clearing your way.
May He be your sustenance and your fire.
May He grant you and your baby His peace.
You possess a strong, resilient and loving heart. You know loss. You lived through abuse, trauma and betrayal once, and you did not let this close you to the world. You did the hard work of healing and gained a life with love. We believe in you. Take care of yourself however you need to so that you can again open your beautiful heart to your daughter and the world. Sending sympathy and support from afar.
I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. James will live on in your beautiful Daughter. This World can be so cruel, you deserved happiness after all you had been through then this happens. You are loved and your dear Daughter will be loved and James will never leave your heart. Huge hugs and love xx
Dear W and baby W,
So very sorry for your immense pain.
Sending prayers, kind thoughts and the biggest virtual hugs to you both.
I’ve been trying to think all day what to say to you. I got nothing. Just a fellow human being on the planet who wishes she could do something about your pain. Life is so unfair. I’m so sorry
Tracy has it right……we are with you. You are not alone. That little bundle of joy growing inside you IS him and you. Remember that. This is not the end of something…..it’s the beginning.
Chump in Perth here. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Thanks so much for giving all of us a chance to say something or nothing, in the hope that it might help – that means a huge amount to me.
“Will this pain end on a Tuesday?”
Yes. All pain ends on a Tuesday, even this pain.
” I was confident it would with the exhole cheater but this time I think I am going to hurt for the rest of my life. I’m going to miss him for the rest of my life.”
That’s entirely possible, and it’s not a bad thing. The missing and grief and pain will feel smaller over time. But not right now.
Can I share a brief and silent video with you? It helps to explain how grief can feel over time.
Take care of yourself and little W.
Thank you for the video. I am so in love with James that losing him was always my worst nightmare. And he knew that…and here I am. Living my worst nightmare. The pain burns.
It feels disloyal for the pain to ease but I have to hope it does…otherwise I can’t live the rest of my years in this agony. I’ll go mad.
So sorry for your loss. Wishing peace and wellbeing for you & your daughter.
I’m also so sad for your loss.
And I’m also so glad that you experienced such a true love.
It occurs to me that your feelings are authentic and appropriate for today. It seems that you’re experiencing sadness and the joy at the same time. How contradictory. What a roller coaster! And how confusing, to have all those good memories flooding through, putting into bold relief the loss that you’re experiencing. The moments of pure joy and the exquisite longing for those moments… and the projecting into the future… oh, the agony and the ecstasy…
Authenticity. Go to the depth of the pain and feel it. Let it wash over you. Encourage it to flow through you and over you and around you and into you. And feel every drop of that feeling that can be felt. And know that by doing that, you will be Madly, Truly, Deeply authentic and alive.
And – as so many have said today – be grounded by your senses. The scent of a candle. The sound of music. The hum of the vacuum cleaner. The warmth of the soapy dish water. The sight of a baby in your tummy. Colors. Tastes. Coldness. Warmth. Fast. Slow. Light. Darkness.
And force yourself to do the tangible things – the lists. Drive the car. Plan the funeral. Talk to the people. Share your hopes, your dreams, your plans, your thoughts, your feelings, your LIFE.
For your baby. For James. For you.
None of us here can go through it with you. You go through it alone. But we can walk beside you, and care about what you’re going through, and love and laugh and cry and remember all the feelings we had when we lived our own stories, and we can share those moments with you, as you’re sharing your pain with us.
Thank you so much for reaching out.
I believe you can weather through. You encountered a different kind of storm and you championed yourself through it, and that effort gave you the blessing of James… and it was worth it then.
It’s worth it now.
Feel the feels.
Get in touch with your senses.
Do the daily things.
Live your life richly, fully, genuinely, with every ounce of YOU there is, and with gusto.
Watch Disney movies.
One of the main characters dies or drops out of the story within the first few minutes of every movie.
Check out the character’s hero moves after that happens.
Ponder about what your hero moves might be.
One day, when you have energy.
For now, just do the next right thing in front of you.
Moment by moment.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you, dear Wishing…
And I’ll be watching for your posts…
I’m so very sad for what has happened, and for the James that you have lost… who was such a joy in your life…
We’re all here… honoring the good life that you lived and cheering you on…
Come back and back and back…
And rest tonight.
Sorrow will wait for the morrow.
And there will be joy in the morning.
Here’s a song for you… “Morning Has Broken” by Cat Stevens.
Dear W, this is heartbreaking. There is no justice.. I have no words. Just some thoughts:
You have experienced real love. And this real love has given you a baby. From a perspective of someone who has experienced neither, this is something rare and beautiful. I can only imagine the frustration of the loss on the life you had looked forward with him. But I think your love for him will show in the education you will give to your baby. It’s heartbreaking and it gives me tears in my eyes to think about this, but not all babies come from this level of love. I hope this love will get you through, and you will be a wonderful family of 2. <3
All the best! Hugs!! You have many blessings!!
I have no words – life has been so unfair to James and you and Baby Wishing. I truly cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. I just want to send some positive and caring thoughts your way.
An older friend of mine lost her husband very young, she was the mother of 9 – the youngest was 18 months. In those times, she was rushed to move on. Her family insisted she empty the house of his belongings within a few weeks. She never got over that trauma and the children were left without precious mementos of their dad. Let yourself experience unbearable grief exactly how you need to – do not try to rush it. When you are ready, preserve special memories (maybe in a journal) and items that he held dear in a way that honors him and gives your daughter a connection to her dad that she can hold onto and feel his love. ((Hugs))
I am so sorry for this truly unfair loss. I belong to a loss group which was vital support for me going through my own grief over something different but similar. I hope you can find others who have been widowed young to share this burden.
I was reading this right now at work during my lunch break and my heart broke for you upon discovering that your husband passed away.
I know words can’t do much to relieve the tragedy that you are living but know that a stranger across the globe shed a few tears in commiseration for you.
My sincerest condolences
I am so terribly sorry for your unfathomable loss.
Velvet Hammer shared something similar to what I had wanted to share:
-As much as possible, try to just focus on the next little bit of time before you and making it through that interval of time. Hours, minutes, however you need to break it down to make it manageable.
-Try to eat a little something (whatever you can manage), and try to rest or sleep whenever you can.
-Offload as many decisions as possible. For those decisions you absolutely need to make now, can a family member keep a list in order of priority, and then can you deal with each one, one at a time, as you are able?
Try not to think about how you’ll manage the future; making it through the next moments is enough. One little step at a time is enough. Long journeys are made one step at a time, and you only need to think about the next step.
I’m so glad you have people who love you who are there with you. And Chump Nation is with you in spirit from all over the world.
Hi Folks, we’re organizing something for Wishing. If you want to be a part, just email me at info at chump lady dot com. Thanks!
Dear so very sad Wish,
If anyone had a reason to stay sitting beside you,to help you,comfort you and remind you to stay here in the present it would be this lovely Man.He would say I’m sure because he loved you..Hold on Wish!We all need you to hold on…and Baby Wish needs you to eat something.go find something to eat.
Big hugs from N.Z.
I can’t remember where I read it, but when my dad died I read a post that compared grief to ocean waves (far more eloquently than my words, but I’ll try) and it helped me.
Right now the waves are constant and enormous and you feel like you are drowning because there’s no space between them. They will, eventually, become farther apart and you will be able to breathe between them. When they do hit, the pain will be just as intense, but it will not overwhelm you the same way. You will never have a totally calm sea, but you will get to a place where you can live. Be happy. Find peace.
Even ten years later there are times when something will remind me of my dad, and it hurts as much as it did back in the beginning. But most of the time I’m able to be happy and live my life and enjoy the memories (it’s not the same as losing your husband and the father of your child, but it’s the closest thing I’ve experienced).
You will get there.
I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. Your family and friends can help you keep your head above water for now. Don’t think to far ahead. One day. One step at a time.
If you can’t eat (I couldn’t at my worst depression), make yourself drink a protein shake. Ice cream is good too.
Let yourself cry. Scream. Rage at the universe. Then pick yourself up and take the next step.
Your baby will be a blessing for you. She will help you keep going through this most difficult time.
You will make it through this.
I’m so sorry.