Dear Chump Lady,
I’m a long time follower of your blog after I found you when my terminal cancer exhole was caught cheating. Your blog kept me strong after kicking his ass to the curb and I couldn’t be more grateful. Your spark kept me laughing and moving forward – building that beautiful and amazing life. And build it I did!
Which is what brings me to write to you now. I built that beautiful life and met the most wonderful and amazing man. He loved me even though I was older and a bit podgy. He loved me so much and I love him the mostest! We built a world together that was better than anything I ever imagined was possible. I was so grateful every day to have found my happiness!
He supported me through IVF (which failed) and then we fell pregnant naturally! Massive and best shock of our lives! I am 23 weeks pregnant with our little girl…and I found my beloved husband dead in our bed yesterday after he was sleeping in.
I can’t comprehend the pain and loss. I thought leaving a cheater was bad but this…this is destroying me. I don’t even know how to start rebuilding a life this time. Our world was so beautiful…we were having a baby…we had everything after having gone through so much crap in the past with previous partners. How do I build a life now? The old me knew how to do this, the new me lost a wonderful, loving and kind man and is having a baby in the home we built together. He is EVERYWHERE through the house and I can’t wrap my head around the enormity of the loss. I am 38 years old, 23 weeks pregnant and a widow. I want to find my fire but all I have is a waking nightmare of loss.
Do you have any words of wisdom? Please? I am drowning in pain.
I am so incredibly sorry. Everything I could write feels lame and powerless. But I hope by running this, you’ll receive a wave of support and it will be some comfort to you, to know that a bunch of chumps around the world care for you and want to hold you. You don’t need fire now. You need healing and kindness.
Thank you Tracy. I would appreciate any healing words that Chump Nation may have to offer. I am so lost. I had anger to propell me forward before. Fuckwits are so easy to leave behind me compared to this. I’ve eaten shit sandwiches by the dozen with the cheating exhole and the abusive asshole that almost killed me before him. But God and the powers that be have now handed me a monumental shit sandwich I have to choke down. One I can’t ignore and walk away from. I have to accept my soulmate, the man that showed me what real love is, the daddy to our daughter is dead. I can’t even begin to chomp down on this one.
I do have my parents around me and my sister. Jame’s mother is coming across from the other side of the country to help me. I learnt my lessons from being chumped. I built friendships and my tribe around me…which is helping me now. Thank you for that lesson – I wouldn’t have had it before.
Will this pain end on a Tuesday? I was confident it would with the exhole cheater but this time I think I am going to hurt for the rest of my life. I’m going to miss him for the rest of my life. Time always slipped by so fast with him we never felt like we would have enough time together. We ate healthy and lived healthy lifestyles so that we could be together until we were 90! I’m burying him when he is 39. Now the years ahead of me feel long…so long. How am I going to do any of this without him?
All my love and hugs,
I’m so sorry. I think of course you’ll always miss him. And he’ll always be your daughter’s daddy and she’ll miss him too. But she’ll be surrounded by all the people who loved him and who’ll have stories. And W, you’re mighty. Your resiliency was already forged in a blast furnace before today. Your daughter will grow up to be in awe of what a strong woman you are.
How am I going to do any of this without him?
How? You aren’t getting a choice. You will, with the support of all the people who love you.
I can’t imagine your pain now. One thing I’ve learned from pain is that life reconstitutes itself. Whatever we suffer, if it doesn’t kill us, life knits back together somehow. And pain, as searing as it is, doesn’t last forever. At least the acute, stab-you-in-the-face-think-you-re-gonna-die pain. That pain isn’t sustainable. It’s finite.
I think right now your ONLY job is to heal and find the strength to get through your pregnancy and be a new mom. That’s ENOUGH. Try not to take the long view. Things are overwhelming.
As for being a mom, IMO it’s the only thing is life that is so, so much better than you can imagine. It’s love times a gazillion. You can’t not fall in love with a baby. Their little nugget toes. Their soft bellies. The way they snurgle and sigh. You’re going to have the best thing happen at the worst time in your life and that is so unfair. Thank God for your little girl. James and his love will live on through her.
I’m opening the floor up for CN. Please know that we care, and we’re rooting for you through all the days ahead.