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Cell Phone Names for FWs

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butt faceBy popular request, today’s Friday Challenge is… What do you call your ex on your cell phone?

Blocky McBlockface? Do Not Answer?

Do you have a special ringtone? (Hells Bells by AC/DC comes to mind…)

In an ideal world, you’d just rock the total no contact, but many are still in the grey rock trenches and need some sanity hacks. Like clever insults on your contact lists.

Is this meh? Probably not. But hey, whatever gets you to Tuesday.

So, CN — what’s on your phone?

TGIF!

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • We have a son so I cant go no contact but its very mininal for sure. His name in my phone is Cheater Asshole. And his picture is a picture of a literal asshole.

    • Mine is listed as “Wusband” so he’d be at the bottom of the contact list, and his picture is that poop emoji!

      • I have “EX Husband – leading suspect in the event of my untimely death”.

        And for some reason I cannot recall, there’s a piece of corral for his photo.

        Maybe I was thinking “grey rock”.

  • Look I know this is sad and infantile but seriously it gives me a really cheap laugh OVER and OVER again.

    Pooey McPooface. No prizes for guessing what I used for the “photo” 💩

    • I used the poo-moji for my ex’s photo too! It has his name but his employer is “shithead”. Unfortunately, my son saw the picture attached for his dad’s name and asked about it :/

    • The shark emoji
      Which really helped
      And then I have him on total mute and silent so that if he does communicate it doesn’t startle me and I will see it on my own time being
      This is because Between mediation and the signing of our divorce decree he was sending me numerous really aggressive, really nasty, really demanding, threatening texts. And they were really upsetting me.
      We have adult children So I don’t want to block him completely

  • Mine is labeled Parasite and thank you CL for the picture for todays caption cuz “Assface” pic above is what I have as his default photo on my phone 🙃

  • His name is just Dude, indicating he’s just some dude, nobody who means anything to me. The ring tone is a mournful sounding harmonica because, like all covert narcs, he’s whiny little bitch. He feels victimized by facts and reality. Poor sausage.

  • Mine is Daniel Cheating F*ckface. I enjoy it immensely when I get the “woe is me I can’t afford to pay you the money I owe because I’m still unemployed” email from that name.

  • No clever name but her picture is the Kobayashi Maru. It reminds me that the only good response is no response.

  • I used to label him Ex-hole until kids noticed and told him. He threw a fit (sad sausage) and of course got the kids involved.

    So I changed his name to Reverend (insert his first name and last name). 🤪. Calling him by his full title reminds me (and my kids if they glance at my phone) how ridiculous it is that he’s still serving in ministry. Seeing the title also makes his continuous narcissistic assholery via text especially ironic.

    • Yeah… my kid noticed that I used Klootzak. Thankfully, he didn’t mention it to klootzak but asked me what it was. I just looked and went, “Huh. Weird,” and changed it back in front of him.

    • I had Douchecanoe’s name in my phone as A$$drew for a bit because he’s a real ass. The $$ signs represented all the money I’ve wasted defending and winning against years of his nonsense litigation. I didn’t want my kids to see that so I changed it to just his initials – he doesn’t even get the benefit of a full name.

      In texts about him to my friends I refer to him as Douchecanoe or DC. It took a couple of months to train my phone not to question this. Now I only need to type D-O-U and it auto-fills the rest.

      • Same here initials. 1. For my daughter who sees my phone, I model appropriate phone usage not cheater hide a phone. 2. He used initials for all his other women, reminds me why I am greyrock.

        I initially had cheateraholic but didn’t want my daughter to see.

        His picture is my Zen running place. Helps me refocus and stay level.

  • Before I was able to block him, he was “Asshat Himself “. His ringtone was Gives You Hell by The All American Rejects.

    • Love that song!

      I wish I could get Ha ha You’re Dead by Green Day as a ring tone. It’s my theme song for my liberation from the fw.

      “Ha ha you’re dead
      The joke is over
      You were an asshole
      And now you’re gone
      When you’re ship is going down
      I’ll stand by and watch you down
      Ha ha you’re dead
      Ha ha you’re dead
      Ha ha you’re dead”

      😁

      • My Chemical Romance’s Black Parade cd was some of the BEST therapy I had in the first year post Dday.
        “I’m Not Okay” gave me permission to be Not o-f**king-kay, which was gloriously played “at 11” as I drove down the highways.

        And “You’re Dead” was my ANTHEM! The energy of it still lifts me out of whatever mood I’m in. I don’t want to harm him or anyone, but imagining him dead makes me smile.

        • Yep, I imagine him dead with maggots crawling all over him, in an unmarked grave and with no mourners. Whatever works.

  • His name is “Lying Cheater” and his face is that of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” but with half of the face decayed and bones and sinew exposed.

  • I blocked him in August of 2019. It was one of my finest moments. I snatched back my power and said “No More.” with that action. No Contact has reduced him to sending me a postcard with his last stupid questions. A postcard, written in pencil which I promptly sent to my Lawyer. I told him if I found out he was cheating again I’d never speak to him again and I meant that.

    I usually refer to him as LTC Fuckface. He is one of those Veterans that always wears some indicator of his prior service. You wouldn’t talk to him for five minutes without discovering his rank and years in service. He lies, cheats and steals all while presenting himself as an honorable service member. He earned the label fuckface in the contacts of my mind.

    To the newly chumped, these cheaters are like the boggart in the wardrobe in the Harry Potter Books. Laugh at them and they are diminished.

    • “He lies, cheats and steals all while presenting himself as an honorable service member.”

      Same with my fw. He had such a con job perfected not just to me but to the community and to the mayor.

      Unfortunately I couldn’t do anything about it, but the mayor could, and did. I will always have fondness for that mayor (now deceased) for the actions he took.

      • “He lies, cheats, steals, all while presenting himself as an honorable service member.”
        This is an accurate description of ex. Ex refers to himself as an officer and gentleman.

        He wear t-shirts or baseball hats with an Air Force emblem hoping someone will thank him for his service. Ex goes into his false modesty act. It always made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t know why until now. He’s an imposter.
        He honors no one other than himself.
        Everything he does has a motive that benefits his agenda.

        When he was in the service I wondered why the other servicemen in his squadron distanced themselves from ex. He wasn’t invited him to get togethers they’d have outside of work.
        One of many red flags I ignored.

    • Mine has a tattoo that says death before dishonor. I told him he has no honor and he should kill himself or at least cut his fucking arm off. Master Sargent Shithead.

    • Same, ex purposely wear something that indicated he was in the military with the intention of getting someone to thank him for his service or ask him about it so he could talk about himself.
      His voice would change, to sound important, as if he was in charge of the Air Force.
      I should have laughed at him instead of walking away rolling my eyes.

    • Apparently we all married the same fuckwit!

      My carbon copy is a Major and somehow I have completely missed the golden opportunity to use this in any of the many things I have (mostly not to his face) called him. I feel like Major Ego would be appropriate for someone who was denied a command-track job for being too arrogant, within a pool of some of the most arrogant people on the planet.

      Or maybe Major Entitlement since he saw fit to come home and tell me he found out why he was not selected (so I would validate him of course). Can’t remember if this was before or after the cheating I eventually discovered, but still… Is it not the height of arrogance to come crying for kibbles from the wife you are cheating on/about to cheat on. And of course stupid me was like “Oh surely they just don’t understand you.” 🙄🙄🙄 Chumpety chump chump!

    • I have this too. It’s all he is to me, the only reason why we’re still in contact, or he would be wiped. He must have seen it as some point and changed my contacts to match (I saw emails come through from him with this as the tag for my email at some point later). Then again, I suppose he was always an unoriginal POS all along.

    • I do sometimes think of changing my listing for FW XW from NPDC to “Baby Momma,” since that’s effectively what she reduced herself to in my life w/her cowardly, disgusting cheating. I think if I ever do have to talk w/her again (at the kid’s graduations or at weddings, under societal pressure of course!😆), this is what I will call her to her face. The explanation as to why I call her that will be waiting if she’s stupid enough to ask. I know, I know, I shouldn’t. But it gives me a laugh. Probably won’t happen anyway. I’m not looking for it to happen. Mostly.😉 I’m happy to say I’ve been NC/hard grey rock for at least the last two years. Fly away FW. Don’t bother me anymore.

  • I have the emojis a zombie, a dancer, and a shark to remind me of important lessons. Long story about the learning and understanding I gained behind those, but the basic gist is that I wanted to remind myself of who he is and to not be fooled but any of his superficial surface niceness.
    Zombie-the man I thought I knew is gone. This man may look like him, sound like him, etc, but he got bitten, turned, and is dead.
    Dance-if I resist him, I’ll get hurt. If I do a little step to the side and don’t engage with his ‘dance’ of manipulation it’s easy to get away unhurt.
    Shark-he may convince everyone else with his impression management, but I know who he truly is, and the cold, unemotional attacks he’s capable of that no one else sees under the surface be presents.

  • I call him POS. I used it a lot when my son was younger so he didn’t know who I was talking about if on the phone with friends etc. Not the most imaginative.

    Fortunately POS has landed himself in prison recently for his 6th DUI, so we won’t be bothered by him any time soon. My son also has only bad memories of him and isn’t interested in seeing or hearing from him in the slightest.

    I will say this is inspiring me to consider a more creative name. TGIF!

    • Or TGIT for those who have reached Meh and have to maintain Minimal Contact?

      “Thank God It’s Tuesday”

    • Whoa, El Chico. Were we married to twin sons of different mothers?? Your ex FW sounds almost exactly like mine: number of DUIs, non existent relationship with his son. Sad that this is a common narrative.

  • Good morning CN!!!
    “Egg Donor”.
    I’m total NO CONTACT but if/ when I’m in Grey Rock territory I’ll keep it simple. Maybe even just do her Blood Type. Ugh. No need for her to call.

    • I avoided last minute having a kid with fw, but if we’d have kids I’d definitely call him ‘Sperm donor’. Because that’s really the only positive point I can now see in him (it).

      But now, he’s just gone! First blocked and now deleted completely. My address book is clean & disinfected ^^

      • Dear Giraffy,
        You dodged that bullet— my sister tells me I should tell myself this “I gave her 3 amazing gifts and her serial cheating is not my concern. I was just a sperm donor.” It stings cuz I love my children but I guess it’s true.
        Have a great weekend.

        • Yeah I can imagine that must sting. It was what she wanted at the moment and you served her in that way.. I even believe my fw was extra surprised because I left him even though he was willing to provide me his superior sperm. (He already had kids and initially ran away when he imagined that I would want one with him.) It’s funny how he imagined me to reason in the same transactional way as he did.

          On the other side, now I’m probably too old to still have kids, which is a whole other thing to deal with as well, I have to admit.

          Good weekend to you too!

  • My name for my ex is simply “the ex.” I used to use “Satan” or “Beelzebub,” somewhat jokingly. But then I realized there was no reason to give her that much emotional weight anymore. “The ex” is sufficient.

  • I always called my ex by a shortened version of his name. So now I have his full name as his contact, cos I don’t really associate it with him, and it feels like a different person. (And if the kids see it pop up, it won’t get me in trouble).

    The contact picture I am rather proud of though. It’s Cartman (South Park) wearing a nice sweater, as it’s all I can think of when he’s pretending to be nice. Just an arsehole, wearing a nice sweater, thinking that makes him nice. Keeps me amused!

  • Careful, I used to use “Liar McCheaterpants”, but I have younger daughters who did see that and it was exceedingly difficult to explain.

      • I didn’t want my adult children to see it either. I put the letters LR after his name to remind me that he is a liar but it would be meaningless to anyone else who saw a message light up.

    • Same. I have an extra letter misspelling his name purposefully because I know that would annoy the piss out of him… and my very observant young teen son even caught that! I told him I just haven’t bothered to correct it…. I’m leaving it misspelled. But if I had put a nasty nickname, my kid definitely would have seen it.

      In some ways I like to call FW by his name and AP by her name. It takes away any power or triggering their names had.

      • I feel the same way. Giving FW and Wifetress a mean name (outside of CN) just didn’t work for me. Even worse, it triggered me.

      • This^^. I have just the FWs name listed. That way any calls and texts can be attributed to him for evidence in court if necessary (we have minor children). Listing him as anything else makes him special and he is not. I didn’t even change his picture. He is just another contact. Meh.

      • I agree. The problem is that his name is a trigger, so I don’t want it on my contact list.

        At first he was PsychoNarc, but my lawyer advised me to change it in case he needed to use the text records I sent him.

        Now, he’s “nobody.” I don’t worry about my kids seeing it because they’re 20 and 17, and they’re not fond of him. Besides, who could have a problem with “nobody”?

  • For a time he was Lying Shit, now simply The Liar on my contacts. I generally call him cuntweasel and thanks to the older kids wanting nothing to do with him I am completely no contact anyway 🥳

    • S Asshole short for Saintly Asshole. Got this from a self help book I read around the time he left. Describes a person who leaves to help others leaving chaos behind as all support is withdrawn from the previous situation.

      Last seen at eldest son’s passing out parade 3 years ago. Total no contact.

  • Ha, I use “The Cowardly Liar”, have for years! Not in my phone, though, but just in general. Good to see I’m in good company!

  • “Assface-Fucktard Cheater” (name Est. DDay 07/09/16) Successfully and permanently blocked since divorce was finalized 12/21/17!

  • I actually deleted the contact not long ago. He hasn’t called or texted in over two years. My attorney said to keep everything on email to ensure that we had a record, so that was the only way I was communicating with him. That said, it’s been a while. Maybe he gave up at long last?

  • Canker Blossom (it’s from a Shakespearean insulting-quotes mug one of my sisters got me shortly after he blew up my life)

  • I used Capn Cheaterpants, which helped. Then, I realized it would display that way on my car’s panel & my (teenage) daughter would see it. So, I tried changing it.
    I used to call him Boss Hogg bc he bought Schmoopie some “Daisy Duke” cutoff shorts.
    Here in Meh, I get to ignore his ignorant ass!

  • I added Fucktard to his first name, so now he has two, like a “Billy Bob” but more fitting for him. It was earned, not just given!

  • Gutless, Weak, Coward. He proved it again when he sent a full on whole house moving truck for his things that would have fit in a van. I had dumped his clothes in the office waiting room 2.5 years ago when I filed.

    • Mad Dog – it described his demeanor and it was his first and middle initials – the bonus meaning is the sideways reference to MD 20/20 also known as Mad Dog- both he and the alcohol are bottom shelf and leave my head spinning.

      • Oops, posted this twice and this was not a reply to SandyFeet. I should never use my phone to post LOL.

  • It used to be FUT for f**king useless twit. But changed to FOTY Surprise. Sarcastically, father of the year “surprise” because now that our court order says he negotiates with the kids for visiting time etc. Needless to say, it’s a surprise if he ever makes the effort.

    • Funny how they don’t spend time with their kids unless they have to. Mine wants the parenting order dropped with our last child. She’s independent and outspoken like me and now that her sister is away at school I’m sure the time he spends with her is long and painful. He didn’t take her for any of his four weeks of summer parenting time for the past 2 years despite going on vacation with Schmoopie and her kids and he saw her only briefly during his spring and winter break time. So the request to drop the order is for his sake not hers. He doesn’t want the obligation any more.

      I’m keeping the order in place until she emancipates but allowing all the accommodations she requests – which always have her staying home with me. Him barely exercising his scheduled parenting time and never asking for alternate/additional time shows the court and his kids just what kind of father he is.

      • This sounds like my FW. The killer is that they don’t just replace us. They replace the kids. I’m happy that I get my daughter 99% of the time, but I hate the message he’s sending and how it’s probably going to manifest in her adult relationships. As if the cheating and lying, etc. weren’t bad enough, but to live this nightmare through my daughter’s experience of his narcissism is utter torture.

        • This is the most painful outcome of procreating with a FUT. Having to watch the kids learn that he’s a FUT. if people do what’s important to them, how can the children not be damaged by the knowledge that they weren’t even on FUTs radar.

  • When Mr. Sparkles first left and I discovered CL and CN… he was Mr. Sparkles on my phone. Then, as I learned more and more about narcissistic personality disorders and sociopathology, I changed it to Ted Bundy. Now, he’s Mr. Grey 1968… the name he used(uses) on his online personal ads (even though he is engaged to his newest victim)… helps me remember that he didn’t get a personality transplant… he isn’t “better” for the new woman… he is and will always be a cheater.

    • Mr. Gray is also the name of the alien that takes over Jonesy’s body/mind in Dreamcatcher. I’m guessing your ex was possibly using it as a 50 Shades reference but I feel like the alien thing is much more fitting.

  • My kids use my phone sometimes and I wouldn’t want them to see any mean names but, if I’m being honest, I never used a mean nickname for him ever. Only here in CN do I use the term FW.

    Back in the earlier days, I struggled with what to call him on my cell. In the end I decided he would get no name and no photo. He would just be a phone number. At first it was because I was heartbroken and didn’t ever want to see his name pop up on my screen because I wanted to think of him as little as possible (which was hard!) hence letting him stay just a number.

    Later on I went through this phase of asking my friends and family to please *not* call him any bad names in front of me. I was in the middle of divorcing him but I still loved him a bit and he was still the father of my kids and everytime I heard a mean name applied to him it didn’t lift me up… it made me crack, start to cry, and would remind me all over again that I had married an unempathtic adulter. I didn’t feel like I was standing up for him or protecting his honor (although I guess I kindof was) but all I knew was that hearing him being called something mean made me feel bad about myself. So… boundaries, I guess. I asked my friends and parents to stop with the insulting names. They grumbled a bit but stopped right away, which I find absolutely incredible and supportive. (My favourite nickname from that era was Dingledick. A friend used to call him Dingledick in her texts and it made me laugh for a few days but when I started to cry all the time, seeing that insulting but very appropriate name, I asked her to stop and, to her sweet credit, she stopped right away.)

    The meanest I’ve decided to get is to address him by a shorter version of his name. He always disliked how the shortened version of his name sounded and preferred the full version, so, when we were married, I always called him by his full name. Now I shorten it. Not a revenge that’s best served cold by any means, but it’s what I’m comfortable with.

    Sorry for the diary entry. This was a good and thoughtful Friday prompt about nicknames. I love hearing everyone’s cell phone names for their FWs. Sharing our anger, pain, and, yes, even our funny nicknames for these unrepentant cheaters is healing! I wish we could all go on some sort of cruise together and chat about all this stuff in person but this will do.

    Does my X deserve a mean nickname on my phone? Absolutely. Is my X one of the luckiest cheaters on the planet because I don’t particularly want to call him names and have encouraged my family not to call him names (at least around me). Probably, yeah. Do I do any of this for him because I respect him and still think highly of him? Heck no! I decided, for myself, that insulting him didn’t make me feel better. It gave my sorrow a name, reminded me who he was and what he did, and centralized it in my life all over again. I didn’t need that or want that. I didn’t want to be reminded that Dingledick was a Dingledick.

    So, he’s just his phone number in my phone. One of the very few frequent contacts who has “no identity.” Right up there with the other unknowns or unwanted telemarketers. It’s a psychological trick, I know, but identifying him as a set of numbers instead of as a name–even a deserved nickname–helped me to decentralize and dehumanize him. It was the start of my disengagement. He’s still, now, just a set of numbers to me, just like any other loose-ends administrative phone contact that doesn’t deserve a name–not even a mean one.

    • Yea, back when this was all happening and I was smoking hopium, I asked the few friends who knew to not call him names. we were reconciled when he died (well before I knew of the chronic cheating). My kids would be heartsick to hear me speak ill of him, se he is Major Cheaterpants here but respectful names otherwise.

      I always thought that if he and OW had worked out, I could amuse myself by coming up with a new disparaging name for her every time I interacted with them. It remained a fantasy as they ended their liaison at some point. A little part of me wishes I could have used some of my clever names for her (and Im sure names for him would have developed) but we know that our anger should be directed at the cheater and this fantasy was in a former stage of my development that Ive matured past.

      • I will throw in that my racist mom (who knows not a single detail of any abuse or cheating – not a single one…learning he was a bad husband would have made her gleeful in reinforcing her racial stereotypes) calls him “the Mexican bastard” and said it in front of our kids after he died. Her inappropriateness knows no bounds.

    • I’m not a big name-caller either (which is why I only changed XW’s picture). I’ve never called my XW a name – ever. Not once, not even in the worst days of the discard, to her face or to anyone else. When I get angry I just use enunciate more and use longer words; my XW regularly accuses me of being hostile and aggressive, but it’s not because I’m calling her names but rather because I am being formally polite. I don’t think she understands how good she has it.

      • Yes, he never knew how good he had it. I think he spent the entirety of our relationship waiting for me to use a racial slur at him, that he saw it as inevitable and judged me guilty for speaking them even though I never did in all our 29 years.

        I probably fight more fairly and respectfully than anyone I know, I always maintain my composure and almost never say anything mean that I later try to “take back”. Even with the luxury of me never being mean to him, when we fought, he complained about my “tone” (which was likely similar to yours) when we argued….as if all other humans didnt have a tone in fights hahaha.

        The worst thing I ever said to Cheater during a fight (about buying a care we didnt need and could not afford) was that his prior car purchase was “stupid” (it really was…ghastly stupid…we paid for it for years). For that one remark, he started smashing things in the house. I didnt know in the moment that it was his last rage.

        I attribute my self control in arguments to my alcoholic mother…as a child I learned that if I said what I thought in an argument, my punishment would be severe. so I learned not to.

        If I had learned of the magnitude of his cheating while he was still alive, I would have likely dropped the gauntlet and called him a “fucking coward” as he was demonstrably both things, but that day never came.

      • “I don’t think she understands how good she has it.”

        Same. Fuckwit accused me of punishing him because he was enduring natural consequences, like me not wanting to talk to him, and people finding out he cheated when he moved and I didn’t.

        I just laughed. Clearly he underestimates my imagination, if he thought that was punishment. Not just mean contact names, whole memes…I have Photoshop, FFS. I think I was showing remarkable restraint.

  • I never had it in my cell phone but my friends and I call him shitty toupee guy.

    He wears a cheap jet black toupee that he’s had for at least 20 years. He’s now 66 and all of his body hair is grey, even the little bit on the sides of his head, but that shitty toupee is still jet black. And it doesn’t blend so it’s really obvious.

    Since I divorced him I’ve had a number of people tell me that people make fun of him behind his back.

    • I almost felt sorry for him. By then I hit myself upside the head with an imaginary 2×4 and reminded myself these lying, cheating assholes don’t deserve any warm fuzzy.

      • I see my ex out running sometimes as we don’t love far apart. All i see is a saggy old pathetic guy who I know can’t get it up, is as fucking phony as they come, and can’t get rid of his shitty toupee.

        Part of me does feel bad, but not enough to talk to him.

        • How does that work with running, the little rug bopping up and down on his head ? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • As the original writer of the Valentine verse Ode to Arseface…he’s still Arseface in my phone but only so I can keep him blocked.
    Update. I ran into his sister,who I always liked and who was appalled by his actions. So…he and exit OW broke up.
    Turned out she was a greedy gold digger.
    Only took him a few years to work that out. He was cheating on her too apparently. He monkey branched on to someone 20 + years younger. Probably thought he was the dog’s bollox because of that age gap.She dumped him because, guess what,he cheated on her. Quelle surprise.
    Now he’s engaged to someone who he only knew for a couple of months,who apparently drinks too much and has a nasty temper.
    Karma is indeed a bitch.
    Is it meh if I enjoyed hearing about the shitshow. Probably not but whatever.

    • I think you can be meh but still enjoy an asshole getting what he truly deserves. It happens so rarely and should be savored like a fine wine.

  • Maybe it’s a good sign that it’s been so long I couldn’t immediately remember. Yay no contact! Anywhoo— WACKJOB

  • He’s been Lance Armstrong (extra applicable as he is Mr. Bike Poser).

    “Dean McDermott”

    I used Chris Watts’ picture for the photo.

    The long time moniker has been and is currently Biff Kenda. Biff has a double meaning; it stands for Biff Tannen, from Back the Future, and also BIFF, Brief Informative Friendly and Firm, a reminder of how to speak to him, from genius Bill Eddy.

    “Kenda” is for Lt Joe Kenda, mr favorite detective, who reminds me to stay ice cold civil, listen carefully while BIFF talks because perps will pay out a lot of rope to hang themselves with, all while kicking ass and taking names.

    My daughter had asked me, “Why do you call him Lance Armstrong?” I said it was because he loves riding his bike.

    I found it most helpful to come up with a name that reminded me how to speak to him….too often I was hooked in the unproductive old patterns before I knew what happened. If one person changes the pattern the other one can’t play, and if there is anything I want it’s positive change for ME.

    Anything you say can and will be used against you by cheaters, so my strategy has been to keep it to what I can say in polite company. If I stay on the high road, no one can touch me.

    I keep a list of possible monikers for Benedict OJ Madoff and his cohorts on Lists in my phone. The one I use currently to reference any f**kbuddies is “the accomplice”.

    No special ringtones. If it’s anything other than the sound of a phone ringing, I forget to answer it.

    • I also used his real name, all caps, but with a period after each letter because I made an acronym for it:

      Missing Integrity Kindness and Empathy.

      That way I could use his real name, but it means something totally different when I say it. I did the same with the name of the accomplice I knew about.

      I actually have to call him something different than his real name. It helps break the spell of who I thought he was. His name has 27 years of positive associations with it. My brain needs all the help it can get reminding me who he really is. So I refer to him as Benedict OJ Madoff if I am not around my daughter.
      But I definitely recommend creating an acronym out of their real name so you can say their name around your children but the secret meaning helps you.

      • OMG! Thanks for this idea, VH.

        I’m having a little too much fun creating an acronym. It’s as if his parents named him with this conversion in mind.

        I’ve been using GM (garbage man), which is something my sister came up with. But it doesn’t empower me. I think the acronym will. 💪

      • This is genius Velvet. Ok I just changed his name in phone using periods. I came up with:

        Pathetic (his favourite word to describe others)
        Abandoner
        Unscrupulous
        Liar

    • His middle name is “Franz”. At one time I used his full name in my contacts using Fraud as the middle name.

      I am especially fond of monikers which are a riff on their real names.

      • Benedict OJ Madoff….that is creative and hilarious.

        I have a daughter, so it’s just Lili’s Dad with the Darth Vader March ringtone.

  • When I filed, I used Lizzo’s “Good as Hell” for his ringtone. I’m now 100% No Contact, so there’s no photo, no ringtone. Nothing. Just like he thought of me. I was nothing.

    But, I do have a ringtone for my counsel—“I Got My Name Changed Back” by the Pistol Annies

  • He’s Fuckwit on my phone but haven’t communicated for three years. If I’m chatting to anyone about him he’s referred to as Mr , then his Surname, I did this all through the divorce and on documents, he hated it, I refuse to use his first name anymore. Thank god I don’t have OW number but if I did she’d be in my phone as Twatwaffle.

  • I am NC, so no special name or picture for Nitwit, but his ringtone should totally be “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon. Dude spent more time primping in the bathroom than I did!

  • 🦁💩 🍆🏌️‍♂️
    Ringetone is the tune from Pinocchio🤥
    Text tone “silence”
    Still have kids so NC is not an option yet.

  • It was triggering to see his real name pop up on the phone, so now my ex is “Bad Penny,” for two reasons: one, because it feels to me like his occasional text is like a bad penny, always turning up to ruin a day or complicated life; two, because the initial letters “B” and “P” are shorthand for “Bra and Panties,” which is what he liked to wear. I contemplated just entering “Bra and Panties,” or “B and P,” but the visual that conjured up in my mind triggered some traumatic memories, and reminded me of the worst of my naked pick-me dancing phase.

  • I totally blocked him after listening to him lie to his friend about why were getting a divorce. I heard the whole conversation via my alarm system. Told his friend, while picking up his “hoarded mess in the garage” that he stayed married for 26 years because “He thought things would get better.” No, he inserted a willing, morally corrupt, classless whore into our marriage for over 10 years and decided it was better to gaslight me, lie to me and his family so he wouldn’t have to pay child support plus I could play the pick me dance all while working full time and taking care of our twins. Well the dance is over and she can have his sorry lying ass. I hope karma, dvt and diabetes literally rip him a new asshole because he is a lying, coward, clown looking ass. He can lie to your face and not bat an eye. Me and my now 21 year old twins are doing extremely well without him. No contact is a wonderful thing. Thank you everyone who shared their story and Happy Friday. Clearly I am looking forward to “Tuesday”

  • I don’t feel comfortable yet changing my x’s name in my phone… bright and curious teen here also and my decree forbids me from denigrating language in front of her. But I did change his picture to a shark. Reminds me he is a dangerous predator underneath the affable and self putting exterior, and also rhymes with narc. My kid asked me about it and I just shrugged it off saying I was playing around with the photo function.

    • The disparagement and denigration clauses really piss me off. They do nothing but that to anyone and everyone about you and then they put that in the MSA.

      They disparaged you to the Nth degree by cheating and character assassinating and then want to prevent you from calling a spade a spade.

      The antidote is the ACRONYM using their real name.

      Go for it, sister!

      • Yup VH. My family and I have upheld that clause for 12 years, while Douchecanoe, ho-wife and flying monkey sister trash talk me every chance they get. Once he texted my son how stupid I was not to use the Waze app. My son responded that we were caught behind a two semi-truck accident on the highway and were miles from the next exit. Waze wouldn’t have made a difference.

  • I once had klootzak in there but the child noticed it and I didn’t want kiddo getting in trouble or being involved so I had changed it. Reading through everyone else’s answers, it occurred to me that the right thing is one he picked for himself. I don’t want anything that kiddo would notice as obviously bad. When klootzak sets up cheater email accounts and whatnot, the user name always has “jd” in it. Now, he’s not an attorney (though I have a law degree and sign work documents with JD), so at first it made no sense to me. Then I realized it stands for John Doe.

    Like previous CN members posted, I strive for meh and don’t want to give klootzak more attention and also want my child to not know more than he needs to. So I just changed it to jd. Lowercase John Doe because he is insignificant and easily replaced. He is a placeholder for a real person who has a heart and soul.

  • I didn’t have a cell phone back then, he had one for work.

    But if I had one, I wouldn’t have know all the great names for cheaters that I do now; so likely something like “Your Cheating Heart”.

    • Cheater x predated affordable cell phones too. If I was able to afford one, then he would have been SH, short for shit head. That was a nod to one of my all time favorite Sci Fi movies Alien Nation where Sykes has his name translated into Tectoneese and the meaning is excrement and cranium….. hence
      ..shit head. Hey it got like a glove.

  • His ringtone is the chorus from a Queen song called Liar. His name, which I stole from someone else, is 🦁🍕💩

  • I had him as “A Liar” and the picture was a screenshot of a crazy red Henry Rollins from the “Liar” video (which if you haven’t seen it, look it up now!). I later changed the name to just his number for the sake of the kids seeing it, but the picture is still there and serves as a great reminder.

  • Off topic but related:

    I am the proud owner of my state’s license plate which spells CHEATER.

    I’ve gotten way more than 50.00 worth of laughs imagining attaching them to his Hookup truck and seeing how long he drives around before he realizes it. He may have been the inspiration for the Absentminded Professor

    I heard I caused quite a stir at the DMV; everyone was dying to see who came to pick them up and hear the backstory.

    The plates live in the DMV envelope in a secret location!

    In the event of a wedding between the cheater and his accomplice, I might just make two color copies and send a nice His N Hers wedding gift.

    🤡

    • Ahahahaha! Awesome. I picture switching out his plates to see how long it takes him to notice. People might be pointing and laughing at him for weeks before my fuckwit would clue in.

  • The X is- It’s A Trap ☠️ in my phone. He earned it, by continuously trying to con me into something. I’m glad I hardly ever talk to him now, but if he calls me, I am warned to get off the phone quick.

  • A big black dot. When it comes up on my car, it says “unknown,” which is fitting because after 20 years and then the shock of her betrayal, I realize I never really knew her. Daughter will be 18 in 269 days and then I go full block. I’m done with that toxic piece of garbage.

    • Double Chumped I like your countdown. I also had a 20 year relationship followed by years of total assholery from him and the whore because of my firm gray rock boundaries. Only 233 days until total no contact!

  • Kempel Cantspell – because Kempel is his middle name and the man couldn’t spell to save his life. I spent most of our marriage writing and correcting any text or emails he wrote for business. I remember thinking he would struggle once he was gone and then I saw charges for an app called Grammerly. I feel sorry for all the women on the dating sites who think he is a prize. 😆

  • No changes to his name on my contacts list, not worth the effort. But I do refer to him as FF (F*ck Face) or Lyin’ Cryin’ Bill as that is all he did after DD through the divorce – crazy! No ringtone for him as he’s on silent. It’s been 8 months since he’s reached out, hopefully the NC has finally sunk in 🤞.
    In better name news, this week (2 years to the day that be moved out) I’m officially back to my maiden name after 23 years!!

  • FTG an acronym for fuck that guy.

    the only contact i have is by email so i can keep copies. i prefer not to speak or text with my X and, as soon as these mediation meetings are through, i’ll be able to leave his physical presence behind. i have grown kids and it’s their responsibility to see him, or not.

    it’s been a week.

  • ALIEN – with the Sci-Fi Ringtone. And I thank God I don’t hear it anymore. But if I do the ring is a clear warning NOT to answer it. I had him blocked for years but my adult kids put us on group texts with pics of grandkids and invites to bday parties etc and I then needed to see what Alien’s response is.

  • I haven’t changed the name in my contact list.
    We are zero contact.
    In my mind he is always PF
    Prostitute Fucker

  • I didn’t change his name because my kids are often around my phone, but I did put a big gray X over his photo because I couldn’t stand looking at his face.

    He only texts, so his ringtone is a bland bell, which notifies me to take it somewhere away from the kids to read and process the next lame excuse.

    My oldest, who he hasn’t seen in 1 1/2 years, has him as “Sperm Donor” in her phone.

  • I don’t have a special nickname for my ex on my phone, but I did change the picture to the ‘no spackle’ image from CL to remind me that I won’t spackle or pick-me dance ever again. Fortunately, the asshat disappeared as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce papers, and hasn’t tried to contact me again.

  • Well now he’s blocked and since blocking, I’ve deleted him from my contacts. However, when I still had to deal with him, he was “Troll Fucker’, and his mistress was, ‘Shrek the Slut.” What can I say, I wasn’t quite at meh yet, it was still my Monday days.

    • I call my STBX’s OW “The Bridge Troll”. She exclusively goes for married men so, to me, she’s nothing but that. A damn Troll.

  • Not about a name, but I did finally get rid of photo/memory notifications on my iPhone. Sheesh. Not sure what took me so long. That last thing I need is his mug popping up on my phone. #smallvictories

    • Those memory reminders were brutal the first year or so with the false happy family photos that reminded me of what a chump I was. Over the year I hid or deleted any with him in it and now I am more free of him.

  • I had cheater pants initially and when I copied things for court I realized I had to change it and remake copies. It was sent to my attorney before I realized it was on the paperwork. It got changed to Judus at some point. Thankfully he hasn’t existed on my phone sine DS turned 18.
    Everyone calls him by the short version of his name as I did too. Now I use his full name because I realized I don’t know this person and never knew the pretend one either. Or-your dad

  • Mine is just his name but his ring tone is Moral of The Story by Ashe. “Talking with my lawyer, she said,”Whered you find this guy?” I said young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.”.

    • Sparkledick – not original, but it conjures the voices from this blog every time I look at it 🙂

  • “Won’t wear a condom”
    Reminds me how unsafe and entitled (to women’s bodies) he is. He put it a lot of places without any regard to anyone’s gynecological health. He deserves all the pleasure right?? Safety for anyone is not his concern. Just pleasure and entitlement. Glad he’s gone.

    • This fits my situation. Maybe W.W.A.C. after his name. I am minimal contact, business only, & grey rock due to having an adult child with a disability. After 23 years of trusting him and 11 more of being on the fence, old habits die hard. I benefit from a reminder to not respond immediately when he texts and to remember who I will be dealing with when I read it.

  • Jackwad Gobsmacker – it describes him yet still matches his initials. I also changed his ringtone and text tones to the most grating choices I could find to reduce the impulse to answer his call or text.

  • Mad Dog – it described his demeanor and it was his first and middle initials – the bonus meaning is the sideways reference to MD 20/20 also known as Mad Dog- both he and the alcohol are bottom shelf and leave my head spinning.

  • Previously it was CrapWeasel and Skankwife. Then DD learned how to read so I had to change both.

    Now it’s “DD’s DAd” (the DA stand for DumbAss).

    Skankwife is now “DD’s DAdSWife” (I got both the DumbAss and SkankWife in on that one).

    I may change it back when DD is older and has a greater understanding and sense of humor. CrapWeasel always cracked me up so I was mentally in a better place to deal with his bullshittery before I had to reply.

  • I used to label FW “Jerk”. With a pic of the word Jerk. Super tame. He found out DD (10) saw it once and has been bringing it up in motions for the last 3 years. I realized a title was too much for him. Deleted him entirely. If he ever calls or texts (shouldn’t – we have a parenting App) only his 9-digit number will show.

  • LCMC – Lying Cheating Man Child

    My friend has an alternate meaning – Lying Cheating Motherf**king C**t

    Either one works for me 😊

  • I labeled the ex “Himself – don’t answer”

    Himself because that’s what I used to call him. Because that’s all he cared about. I would only answer a call from him if he had the kids. Since it rarely had the kids there was rarely a reason to answer.

    Now that the kids are all adults I have him blocked.

  • Thankfully I didn’t have kids with the fuckwit. Once the divorce was finalized I changed my cell phone number and blocked him on all communication channels.

  • Knave-man.
    He’s a knave. He’s a man.
    His real name starts with K.
    And his DNA profile shows a high level of Neandertal remnant genes, so he’s a caveman. Explains a lot.

  • We like to take the word ‘f’cktard’ and substitute the first letter of the first name. And collectively they are The ‘tards’.

    Chump Lady cartoons make excellent contact images.

  • After my youngest turned 18, I blocked his number on my phone and deleted him in my contacts. His cell phone number is still written in my address book in case I need to contact him, god forbid, an emergency for one of our kids. I also blocked his email address.

    When he was still on my phone, I would change his name constantly. The names I remember:

    Satan
    The Evil One
    Ted Bundy
    Scott Peterson
    Chris Watts
    The Sociopath Next Door
    Adulterer
    Pathological Lying Serial Cheater
    Snake
    Perfect and Special (his mommy told him he was “perfect and special” his entire life – barf!)

    And last but not least: Assbrain. That’s the first name I called him to his face after D Day. That name just popped into my head and I’m not a person who calls people bad names! So whenever I see CL’s ‘Ode to Assface’ cartoon, I see an assbrain. 🙂

    Yeah, seems kinda crazy to be changing the name so many times, but it helped me come to terms that my “nice guy Christian” husband was just the opposite of who I thought he was.

    I’ve renamed myself here at CN. Forrest, because just like in the Forrest Gump movie, Forrest’s mom named him that to be a reminder that “sometimes we all do things that, well, just don’t make no sense”. I should have ran like Forrest the first time I caught him in a lie. I should have ran like Forrest the first time he turned cold and distant (wasn’t even engaged yet!). I should have ran like Forrest when I thought he was cheating when I was pregnant and had a one year old. I should have ran like Forrest when I saw his flirtatious emails and IM’s to his female “friends”.

    “Mama always said LOVE was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” — Forrest Chump.

  • Perfidious Ex

    This way his name does not appear on my contact list next to our adult children’s names. Makes me smile when I have to communicate.

    • Tough Cookie,

      Such a great idea!! I hate that he’s alphabetically next to my kids in my contacts. Changed it to EX.

  • I had X as Homunculus. The picture was Scooter from the Muppets. He found out and was so offended. Totally NC now.

  • Just his name, first and last. He’s not that special.

    Also it’s who he is, he is still the same person as before and the same always will be. People like him don’t charge. I just had to see him for who he is. I caught on, I do. He’s just a guy who I don’t like very much. I have his contact in my phone because he happened to father my children. That’s all.

  • Instead of his photo, in my cell phone address book I have a picture of a name badge that says:

    Hello My Name is DICK

  • Just plain ole ‘cheaterpants’ (but I like the idea of changing it to ‘X’ or ‘XXX’)

    No images or anything else. He does not deserve any of my creative energy or special recognition.
    IMHO, he does not even deserved to be recognized by his name. To me, he is nameless……

    No special ring tone, as he is NOT deserving of any special anything……Plus, he knows I will NEVER answer a voice call from him, so he has not tried that for several years

    Only reason he is even still programmed in my phone is that our son sub-contracts work to him and I (rarely, thank goodness!) may need to contact if I deliver supplies to a job he is doing for us (Yes, he ‘works’ [sub-contracts] for me & my son. Talk about sweet revenge)
    Never been in contact by e-mail or social media, so no challenges there…..

    Special love & hugs to all of you who are still in contact because children are still minors…..You are all SO MIGHTY! Continue to ForgeOn!!

  • I changed the photo to the one he sent me when I knew. I saw the lie in his eyes. He was with her but lying to me about hiking alone. And the name was simple – cheater. I changed it back when he “came back” to reconcile, but liked to tell me how amazing the OW was (she was good-she was one of my best friends-fuck fuck fuck). Anyway this has inspired me to go back to the lying eyes photo and Cheater title.

  • Mine is simply called ‘Other’ to signify in a bland way something alien and unfamiliar. He is not a place of belonging anymore.

  • “Asshat McCheaterpants”

    And his picture?
    His picture is one he took at OW’s house (one of many OW)…him with his arm around her youngest teenage son…then posted to his Twitter page.

    Pretty much abandoned our son. Moved 1100 miles away & had a multi year fuckfest.
    And wonders to this day why his own kid barely speaks to him.
    Idiot.

    • Omg that reminds me…FW tore a picture of the two of us in half, editing me out and sent to his many OW! I totally forgot about that f-fest until you reminded me. Trust that they suck!

  • I’ve been no contact for some years now but for creativity’s sake I would list them as
    -Harlow Stonewaller, with a nod to the monkey bonding experiment Tracy wrote of in her book
    -Darvo for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender
    -Bsc. Not short for bachelor’s of science but “back stabbing cunt”
    -Two faced phony

    Happy Fuckwit Free Friday everybody !

  • I enjoyed reading this thread. I wish I’d been clever and changed his name when it would’ve given me a smile. Fortunately, his real name no longer holds any charge at all.
    There was a time when I never thought I’d reach this place. It’s a relief to finally be disengaged enough that changing his name now feels like 20 seconds of effort I wouldn’t bother to expend for anything having to do with him.

  • Initial and surname – maiden name, because she has kept my surname, despite me and my parents asking her to change it.
    She uses my surname as the kids have it – so she wanted the same surname as the kids.
    I understand that and haven’t mention it again, but it annoys me.
    If you want that desperately to get away from me, why hold on to my name?

  • X as in “signifying the end of something—an entity whose existence is over, past, dead, and gone”
    when it applied had a note BIFF then NC (now blocked)

  • “The Man You Didn’t Know”. It’s actually a song title, but I thought it was fitting. Icon is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  • Ooof. I’ve blocked him but retain his contact info, just in case. I now wonder if that’s necessary. 🧐

    I’m NC except for the rare email communication about business stuff.

    Removed his pic (not sure why I hadn’t done this sooner) and replaced it with a gray dot, which reminds me of gray rocking. I’ve put periods between each letter of his name so that I think of the acronym. Thanks, Velvet Hammer!

    It’s something. I’m grateful for this Friday challenge because it’s inspired me to make these small changes.

    • Update: I removed his name and just put “ex.” He’s always been a boring man, so it’s fitting.

      Ugh. I’m giving this way too much thought. He doesn’t deserve it.

  • This thread inspired me so I changed it to his Tinder user name to remind me when he texts or calls it’s all bullshit.

  • My ex’s name includes the ability to reduce it to the letters VGN. . . So it is that. . .with an icon of a taco.

  • In the early days, between discovery and divorce being finalized, it was “DO NOT ANSWER”. Seeing his name was triggering and this helped to remind me to not engage and just respond via text, if at all, on my timeline. Divorce has been final for 2 years and I am one of the lucky ones that did not breed with this fuckwit so the number has been blocked.

  • He is AW (ass wipe). I do not answer calls and if a text pops in. I just reply “Have you attorney talk to my attorney” . Keeps things simple, he can whine to someone that will bill him in six minute increments. I want no dealings with a cheating asshole. No contact is the best possible thing for sanity.

  • He is known as Mr. Duplicity with an image of Pinocchio.
    Ringtone is” In the air tonight” by Genesis

  • I put my ex bfs contact as “stranger flings.” Like the show stranger things but with an entitled twist.

  • Mine’s just her name…..I did change it to something pretty grotesque for about a week but I have kids and I was afraid they’d see it……also it was during my hate stage of which I’m happy to say I’m far past. I just put her name back the way it was first and MY last name It used to be just her first name, it seems more business like to have it first and last name………apparently there’s no legal way to force them to change that last name, trust me I looked into it. The emails though….her emails go into an innocuous folder called “junk mail 2”.

  • Because of kids always had his name. But now kids also almost no contact for over four years and I saw my youngest son has him listed as “Still Getting Milk” – the other kids snd I laughed our a$$es off. Clever quick witted kid. His therapist thought it was even hilarious.

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut116mBuPpg

    I call my x husband Toby in my phone because his real name triggered me when it popped up when he called or texted, prior to the divorce when we had to communicate. It’s from Mr. Bean’s skit about the Devil. Please watch it, it is HILARIOUS. The Devils name is Toby.

  • This is a good reminder to add an X to front of his (common) first name so I don’t accidentally send him a text.

  • I live in a tri-state area and have lots of clients/errands/doctors in 3 states. I moved from one state to a second one before the divorce.
    I rely on my GPS because rush hour and where I start from can affect the routes I take. I labeled his house FUCKFACE and then programmed the GPS to avoid that street and several more surrounding it.
    Eventually I removed his house as a waystop but kept it the streets to avoid.
    Unfortunately like all things electronic these days … everytime the GPS updates the software, the waystops are ‘restored’ so occasionally I am reminded.

  • As mentioned before, I deleted him completely, but some extra names I’d been happy to use as I’m feeling inspired today ^^

    Toxic slimeball
    Perverted cockroach
    Yikes, Do Not Pick Up
    Black Hole
    Tragic Weasel
    Underground Critter

  • My name for my ex- was “Nemesis” and the ringtone was a jazzy version of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. No one ever made note of what the song was on the rare occasions when he called – they just appreciated the boppy jazz. But then he died in a bike accident, so I changed it to the default ringtone, not that he’d call anymore anyway.

  • I just use his initials. I’m usually having to screenshot his text messages for evidence and it looks bad if Ive got a clown picture 🤡 or a pile of shit 💩

    • I also keep the ring tone and text tone on silent. If I don’t know he’s called or texted until a few hours later, I do better.

  • NPDC for the FW XW. I occasionally think of adding a C in front of the N for covert, but this has been working for awhile, so…

  • I haven’t done anything. First, I would have to actually learn how to download ring tones and attach a pic to his number. He’s not worth spending the time to do that. Second, I don’t want the kids seeing my phone show something derogatory against their dad. That would so come back to bite me in the butt.

    But the thought of doing it is a lot of fun!

  • Cheater Dumb Ass for ex-H, relationship 1981-2007
    The cartoonish slut he left for is Skankenstein – but of course not in my phone or contacts list.

    Useless Prat for former no-reciprocity “boyfriend” 2011-2019

    It’s possible my grown children would see my phone, so nothing too vulgar. I’m not really a curser anyway. I’ve assigned appropriate text tones to these two males also. Wouldn’t answer if either one actually called.

  • I used to have “Anxiety and Uncertainty” as his screen name because I never knew, and still don’t, know for sure if he’s an asshole. But I do know how ungrounded I feel around him, how uncertain I feel about my own judgment and how it feels like I’m letting my hurt and loneliness grasp at a fantasy. Putting a meaner name on my phone just made me feel guilty and then I’d second-guess myself when I had to interact with him for work.

    He’s blocked now, but I still try to remind myself of that feeling, so that I can then remember how pointless, and frankly dangerous, it felt to move toward him to try to solve the anxiety/longing.

    • Seems like you did the right thing to block him. Even if you’re not sure if he is intentionally making you feel uncomfortable, the fact that you feel destabilised is enough of a reason.

      Speaking from experience! I can so much relate to this.

  • I have an ugly photo of him making a face the public rarely sees, one of him making a sarcastic sneer. His name is now Diseased Viper.

  • I left my cheating ex husband’s name intact but added a poop emoji since he is a piece of crap. This became very unintentionally funny when I filed for a restraining order because of his death threats and because he broke into my home. I copied and pasted the text messages of his death threats without thinking about the fact that it gave his name and a poop emoji to the judge and opposing counsel. I found a poop covered toothbrush in my dresser drawer after I filed, so I brought it to court as evidence that he had broken into my home. The look on his attorney’s face and on the judge’s face was priceless. Later that day, I realized that they both probably thought the poop emoji was a warning to my husband that I would bring the “evidence” to court if he contested the protective order. I was granted the order after 3 hours of questioning, and I have a great story to tell even though I wish none of this ever happened!

  • Nothing too terribly snarky. Just her full first and last maiden name. Like she’s some stranger who gave me her contact info at the grocery store or something. Because she basically is lol

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