Plain and simple here is my question. After many, many years of suspecting my husband of adultery, he finally told me after 50 years of marriage that he did cheat.
At first he said it was a one-time thing, which after many hours of “discussion“ turned out to be 15 years of leading a double life.
Long story short, we are now divorced. My question is — how do I live with people who do not agree with divorcing a spouse due to adultery?
My sister believes in “Bridges of Madison County” type of forgiveness. She thinks if a wife is a bitch, you can’t blame the husband for cheating. This does not have any pertinence to our marriage according to my ex’s own words, he had no complaints about me as a wife. He only wanted strange.
Do I have to deal with this kind of demeaning treatment the rest of my life? Many friends have expressed similar opinions. I feel there is NEVER a reason to cheat, if you are not able to live with your spouse, get a divorce.
But why do we chumps have to be humiliated by family and friends who express the opinion of “maybe you were also at fault?” I find this impossible to bear much longer. Thank you for any opinion you can give.
Perhaps you need to find some other badasses to hang out with and not this soppy Stand By Your Man crew of backward misogynists? It takes a lot of guts to leave a 50-year marriage. Apparently, they think you should blame yourself and tolerate his wandering dick. Shut up and be a good wife appliance.
You don’t need that crap in your life. It’s hard enough to let go of a 50-year relationship and rebuild without the peanut gallery sniping at you from the sidelines. Your bravery probably threatens them. And it reveals the differences in your values — you’re championing self-respect, they’re promoting shit sandwiches.
how do I live with people who do not agree with divorcing a spouse due to adultery?
You don’t have to live with them. This is your life. You don’t owe them an explanation or a defense of your choices. You left an abusive relationship. Fifteen years of gaslighting, of having your health risked, of being sexually humiliated, used, devalued. Are there millions of people who would tolerate continued abuse? Yes. Thank the sweet Lord Jesus you’re not one of them.
The narrative is changing. Live by example. They don’t have to approve of your decisions. But maybe in time some of them will come to admire you. So hold your head high and tune them out. Or perhaps CN can provide you some snappy rejoinders.
Also, and this is just my personal preference, I’m not a fan of the term “adultery.” I don’t think it helps the cause. It makes you sound like the Church Lady on the SNL skit. Like what you’re objecting to is smut or impure thoughts. No, you’re objecting to being abused.
If you say “adultery” people go to some Biblical battlefield and counter with “forgiveness!” You go 10 commandments. They go New Testament. Look, I’m no theologian, but I think the Bible gives you a pass for divorcing on adultery grounds. As do other faiths.
Move to a different battleground — your life. Your worth. “My God doesn’t tolerate abuse.” If you have to swap Bible thoughts with forgiveness trolls, try that.
My sister believes in “Bridges of Madison County” type of forgiveness.
Was that the Gospel in the book of Clint Eastwood?
She thinks if a wife is a bitch, you can’t blame the husband for cheating.
So her husband cheats, huh?
Or is this her loving sisterly way of telling you you’re a bitch?
Stick up for yourself. Put her victim blaming to her squarely — so you think I drove my husband to cheat on me? Is that what you’re saying? You think I know what he was up to for 15 years?
Another tactic when people say stupid shit is to ask them to repeat it. Again. Slower. No, again. Until they hear the stupid. Or realize you’re jujitsu-ing their mindfuckery.
Or, simply don’t engage with her. I don’t have the fuller picture of your relationship, but sometimes shared DNA is overrated.
Do I have to deal with this kind of demeaning treatment the rest of my life?
Of course not. You demonstrated you’re not tolerating it. Keep going. Hold the supportive people close and lessen or eliminate contact with the jerks.
But why do we chumps have to be humiliated by family and friends who express the opinion of “maybe you were also at fault?”
Because victim blaming feels good to them, because vulnerability is too awful to contemplate. So they come up with reasons why you deserved this. It’s human nature. Many people think this sort of shit, but only the bolder fuckwits say it to those in pain.
You are always free to leave the shit sandwich buffet. You put the plate down and walked away from your cheating husband. Just because shit sandwiches are served elsewhere, does not mean you have to partake.
Try a better class of venue — and friends. ((Hugs))