People send a lot of dumb articles to the Universal Bullshit Translator, so it takes a whole lot of stupid for the UBT to be agog — but this one takes the biscuit. “Here’s how to get definitive proof your partner is cheating” by HuffPo.
You’ll never guess what the secret is — YOU ASK THEM.
I know, I know — forehead slap! I’m sure you guys never thought of that.
It’s time to put these nuggets of revealed wisdom through the UBT. Without further ado.
There’s only one way to know if your partner is cheating: Nope, it’s not by thumbing through their text messages and emails. To really get down to the truth, you have to ask your spouse directly.
“Instead of becoming a detective and snooping through their phone, consider talking about it,” Elisa Dombrowski, a marriage and family therapist in Orange County, California, told The Huffington Post. “Let them know you can handle the truth and that you believe you can work through anything, as long as there’s honesty.”
There’s only ONE way to know if your partner is cheating? Like, walking in on them doesn’t count? It’s only cheating if they say it’s cheating? Got it.
Try an icebreaker like “Are you fucking escorts at lunch?” or “Lately my penis has been oozing pus. Any idea what that’s about?” And see what they say.
The problem isn’t that they’re doing any thing shady, it’s that you can’t handle the truth. Let them know that really you’re okay with truth! Meet deception with vulnerability! What could possibly go wrong?
Below, Dombrowski and other marriage therapists offer more advice for broaching the delicate subject.
You deserve to know if your partner is faithful. If you have a suspicion that something is amiss in your relationship, don’t ignore the warning signs, Dombrowski said.
Yes, trust your gut and don’t ignore the warning signs. So when you ask him and he stares you straight in the eyes and says, “You know I would never do ANYTHING to hurt you or the kids,” believe him. Stuff those crushing doubts down, down deep into the recesses of your soul. I’m sure he has a very good reason for all that time he spends in the bathroom with his cellphone.
“Some people worry that confronting their partner will force the break up of their relationship,” she said. “They hope it will go away on its own but it’s often this lack of communication that creates distance in the relationship from the beginning, making it easier for an affair to take place.”
Yes, you caused the cheating because of your lack of communication and distance. So bridge that gap — reach out to a timid forest creature today.
Ultimately, you should trust your intuition and broach the subject delicately, she said.
“Too often, we condition ourselves to ignore that tiny voice inside that says something doesn’t feel quite right,” Dombrowski added.
So instead, ignore the screaming voice inside you that doesn’t believe their denial.
Don’t lower yourself to snooping through email or text messages, especially if you’re hopeful your relationship can withstand any possible betrayal, said Stephanie Mintz, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California.
“Resist the temptation to snoop,” she told HuffPost. “This would be a total breach of trust and privacy on your part and would make rebuilding that trust much more difficult. Although you may suspect your partner or spouse has already broken the trust, you don’t want to add fuel to the fire.”
Yes, looking at your partner’s text messages is a total breach of trust and privacy — unlike fucking other people and endangering your health, which is something you should hope to reconcile with.
Don’t blow it! How could your cheater possibly get over the devastating betrayal of snooping?
Timing is critical when discussing a subject this sensitive, Mintz said. You’ll both need to be in the right frame of mind, so to that end, don’t bring it up at 12 a.m. on a Monday, when you’re both exhausted. (Indeed, studies have shown that the brain’s emotional centers are more reactive when we’re sleep deprived.)
“You don’t want this to be rushed and you don’t want to do it before work, when children are around or with an activity to go to shortly after,” Mintz said. “Wait for an evening after each of you has had some time to unwind from work or a weekend where you don’t have plans for later on in the day.”
Did you walk in on your wife fucking someone else? Now is a BAD TIME to discuss this. Wait until you’ve had a couple refreshing naps by 2027 and quietly broach the subject.
This is bound to be an uncomfortable conversation. You may want to begin the talk by acknowledging how uneasy it makes you, said Todd Creager, a marriage therapist in Orange County, California and the author of The Little Black Book On Infidelity.
“Let your partner know that you have some uneasy feelings and need him or her to help you sort through them,” he said. “Then go ahead and let your partner know what you are suspicious of or what caused your uneasiness.”
Go ahead and share your suspicions! Give ’em a head start to get that burner phone and start siphoning cash.
Your spouse still may get angry and defensive ― especially if your suspicions are true ― “but you’re cutting down the chances of defensiveness by focusing on yourself and not your partner,” Creager said.
Yes, YOU control the degree of your partner’s defensiveness. So approach with deference and stop making him so angry.
Let your partner know that when you feel uneasy or have an intuition, you owe it to yourself to check it out, Creager said.
“By bringing it up, you are educating your partner that you have integrity,” he said. “Let him or her know that you are owed the truth if nothing else. You deserve to know what is truly going on so that you can make a good decision for yourself.”
Cheaters care a lot about your peace of mind. They care so much that’s why they’re out until 2 a.m. with their cell phones turned off — it’s your peace of mind that they’re thinking of.
And if you demonstrate integrity? They will follow in kind! Moved by your example!
It can be isolating and painful to deal with infidelity. Depending on the answer you receive from your partner, you might consider seeking individual or couples therapy afterward, Dombrowski said.
“You might feel the need to tell friends and family about your partner’s cheating but once the secret is out, you can’t put it back in,” she said. “Friends and family are great but a good therapist can help you decide who your trusted circle of support will be while you are learning to navigate the difficult journey that lies ahead, whatever you decide.”
Friends and family are great, but they know you and love you and their advice comes free. A good therapist charges around $180 per hour and can help you
stay in the hellish limbo of reconciliation navigate the difficult journey ahead.
Keep those secrets or you’ll scare your cheater away!
Who can you trust? The therapist who helps you decide who your trusted circle of support is, that’s who! Trust is not something you should leave to amateurs like yourself. You need a professional!
Continue that conversation, chumps.
This one ran before.