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UBT: Narcissist Cheater Life Coach

Ben Taylor
Ben Taylor. Source: https://youtu.be/X49yDWyQnhI

Here’s a curious business plan: be a serial cheater, embrace your narcissism, and monetize that shit as a life coach.

Ooh, where do I sign up Tracy? 

With Ben Taylor, self-professed schmuck! For a dollar-a-minute you can untangle skeins with Mr. Personality Disorder. His site rawmotivations.com offers general life coaching and narcissist abuse recovery.

What-the-wha?

Yes. It’s like sending a domestic abuse victim to Mike Tyson for ducking lessons. But whatevs. Ben cheated on his wife for 8 years! You can trust him.

The NY Post and the Sun (and now me) have given him free publicity.

And now the Universal Bullshit Translator has awaken from its long slumber.

The NY Post (and Sun) reports:

The 33-year-old admits he gaslit his exes and cheated on his wife for eight years, before realizing he was a narcissist.

Here he tells Fabulous his story:

Throughout my life, I have always felt like there was something different with me — how I handled emotions, the ways I connected with people and the lack of empathy I felt.

Growing up, I found I was always in relationships, starting another as soon as one ended — or even before it had.

In August 2013, I got married and hoped these habits would change now I was somebody’s husband. But they did not.

After the first year of marriage, I found myself in an affair — cheating with multiple women over the next eight years.

I keep finding myself in new pussy situations. I have no idea how this happens. Whoops! One day, I wandered into a marriage.

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. HOW DID I GET HERE?

During those years, my wife experienced the worst of me as I would gaslight her (make her feel crazy for the truth), manipulate, lie and cheat, all while maintaining a good and prestigious image at work.

As our relationship crumbled, my lies started unraveling, leading me to question who I was and why I was acting this way.

I had a fleeting moment of introspection as consequences became imminent.

You can tell how sorry I am and the way I take responsibility with: “I found myself in an affair.”

Who am I? Why am I this way? Me, me, me, and also me. Would you like more of my thoughts? That will be $30.

At first, I thought it might be a curse, something I was destined to repeat. Other times I would blame myself for acting in a way I now realize was beyond my control.

(Cue the sad sausage violins.)

It was BEYOND MY CONTROL, people! I labored under a curse. You don’t know how I suffered.

One day, while talking to my wife and in a rare moment of vulnerability, I said, “Maybe I am a sociopath or something.”

I am a sociopath.

We talked about it, Googled the definition and she said maybe I was narcissistic.

Okay, I’ll cop to the lesser offense. You can work with that.

I became defensive, insisting I was not a narcissist. But I was curious and over the next couple of weeks, I started discussing it with the women I was having affairs with. They too insisted I was not a narcissist, so I continued to gaslight my wife and deny it.

“Am I a flaming asshole?”, I asked Becky, the woman I was fucking behind my wife’s back. She said no. I decided I needed a broader survey sample of fuckbuddies. #datascience

But as much as I denied it, deep down I realized I was a narcissist. I still didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t even want to believe it, but the facts were staring me in the face every time I read another personality attribute.

I realized how I always went for what I desired, regardless of anyone else’s thoughts, opinions or feelings.

You say personality disorder, I say ambition.

I grew up in a religious family and had always struggled with certain aspects of it because of my narcissism — the idea I should love God more than myself, not have pride and be a better person.

Blame Jesus.

All the advice I received didn’t help me, because I couldn’t admit the lies I was telling every day. Lies that separated me from my wife, disconnected me from my inner being and who I really was and lies I told myself about God and my faith.

With time, the help of close friends and a support group called Wake Up Warrior, I was finally able to break the surface of the façade and the lies that held me captive.

Let me parrot some self-help shit I learned at Wake Up Warrior.

The important takeaway here is that Lies Held Me Captive. Not my wife. ME. I don’t know where these lies came from, they just burst on the scene with balaclavas over their little lie faces, and duct-taped me to a chair. Eventually I chewed through my bonds to become the impressive social media influencer I am today.

My wife stuck by me and, with her support, I’ve managed to become a better husband. We even have a 2-year-old daughter together.

My being a better husband rests on her support. She better not fuck up. But with an anchor baby, she’s got deeper sunk costs. She’s got to live up to the Instagram feed. #stuckwithme

It’s an everyday battle but one I fight because I want to be better. I want to grow. I don’t want to go back to the life that I lived, hurting others the way I did.

It’s an everyday battle to be a decent person. Which I why I heartily recommend you give me your credit card information.

My goal now is to raise awareness of narcissism. To help people know and understand that it is real, it is valid, and it is vital to know how to deal with it. I try to help others like me see it is possible to change and grow into better people.

Narcissism is REAL. And if you don’t understand that, take my $75 Breaking the Trauma Bond workshop at rawmotivations.com. There’s a 5 a.m. slot open on Thanksgiving. #helpingothers #fuckwits4change #passthehopium

I want to offer closure and healing to those who have dated narcissists, and never got the answers they were after in the relationship.

“Because her tits were bigger, that’s why.” Thank you. I accept Venmo. (Not a therapist!)

But I also want to change how people see narcissism and show the importance of getting people into therapy.

I want to change people’s perceptions of narcissists. They get a bad rap as unfeeling predators. When really they’re just hurting people who haven’t yet realized the deep vein of profit in narcissist abuse recovery.

You can trust a man who films videos in his garage. Nothing says life-saving gravitas like a ladder and a jumble of boxes. #ratemyroom

If you want to know more, you can interact with me on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook under the name Raw Motivations or visit my new site Raw Motivations to schedule a time to speak with me one-on-one.

Interact with me! Are you vulnerable? Do you have PayPal? Let’s talk.

No, Megan, I am NOT messaging my fuckbuddies on social media. These are CLIENTS.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I cant bring myself to click any of the links lest I give this guy kibbles.

    Im sure there are life coaches out there who aren’t disordered, but I dont know any. (If you do, Im happy for you).

    Facepalm, that’s all I got.

      • I never thought this way about life coaches before, but now that you mention it, I recall that I once knew someone at work who was unhappy with her job & the field. She quit with no direction (was married to a husband with a good career, so she could afford this), and that she assumed that due to her skills, she must be marketable in some way somewhere so it would all work out in the end. Eventually she became a life coach.

        I remember how aimless she was when I new her, how dependent her career transition was on her spouse’s financial support, and have a hard time believing she’s in a good position to tell other people about how to improve their own lives.

        • Yup. I have known two life coaches. The first was someone who attended high school with me. She dropped out because she got pregnant. She eventually went to a local state school while her parents raised her baby. She figured out how to keep taking student loans and kept going to school. Never got a master’s or a PhD or anything. Just kept going for different certificates and whatnot. Lifelong student. Never held a real job. She hooked up with another alum from our class who had never married and retired from the armed forces. He had lots of money and paid off her student loans. Then she started using his GI Bill $ to take more classes. Then she became a life coach! She advertises herself as a “military wife” but she didn’t marry or even date him until he was retired so it’s not like she went through deployments and all the other stuff. She just latched onto his retirement $ and benefits. She has a website and makes videos. She is a grade A moocher.

          The other was a narc boss from hell. She was so awful, I felt nauseated all day working for her. Nothing was good enough. Everyone hated her. Less than 6 months after I quit, she was canned. She became a “career and life coach.” She had married and divorced two poor chumps

          I pity the people who pay them. Yeesh.

          • Yes, in my limited circles, I would say that the majority of the life coaches aren’t worth it. I saw an older one after my ex left who definitely knew her stuff. She had been working through a local ministry for over fifteen years even before coaching became a thing and was very experienced and well-read. She also knew her limits and frequently referred folks to professionals, which spoke well of her.

            Others I’ve heard about, not so much.

      • So true! I know one who doesn’t want to go counselling, even though he’s aware of many issues that he has but now want to be a life coach (or even offer counselling because in the UK, some of these don’t need any pesky education, every monkey can become one)

        • The ex ran away with his exgfOW who was a life coach. Having read just a tiny selection of her emails to him, and having listened to the psychobabble he shouted at me when he was leaving (without telling me that he had been having an affair with her for at least 10 years, long distance), my opinion of life coaches is low. I had a business coach who had passed exams in the UK and he was the least empathetic person I have met so far in my life, apart from the ex. My male neighbour also has coaching qualifications. He upsets most people around him and his partner is terrified of not serving his every need (she’s a chump by her ex). These people may pay their fees and do what they have to do to get a badge, but it does not mean that they are suited character and personality-wise to coach. My therapist is qualified, is a member of a regulatory body and helps me to coach myself. I wouldn’t touch a life coach with a barge pole.

          • I believe in most states on this side of the pond, social workers and MFT (marriage and family therapists) have to complete 3,000 hours of supervised training in addition to passing licensing exams. Life coaches don’t require hours and hours of training.

        • Mr. X passed a licensing exam. He was/is a therapist. He is in a 12 step program. He sponsors people.

          He is a serial cheater and has been his entire life.

          People flock to him.

          He has that charm. That earnestness. The TFC personality that make people instantly warm up to him.

          He fessed up to affairs early on in our marriage.

          I forgave him.

          I was naive.

          He just went underground and continued to cheat for what amounts to our 30+ years together.

          The important thing for me to know is that he is a covert, passive aggressive narcissist and to stay away from him at all costs.

          Learned it all here.

          My life is so much better now. He can tootle along with his degrees and sobriety and flock of followers who want to believe.

          The important thing is, I am free!

          Phd = Piled High and Deep.

      • Truth.

        This idiot almost makes me long to watch those creepy, long-winded Sam Vaknin videos. At least he knows what he’s talking about.

        This Wake Up Warrior group he’s jabbering about sounds like one of those douchey mythopoetic men’s movement groups where they go out in the woods and beat drums to learn to be Real Men and connect with their spirituality. Eww.

    • This reminds me of HG tutor – who calls himself an elite narcissist and for like a hundred bucks you can send him 50 words describing ‘your narcissist’ and he’ll tell you what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with. He created a bit of a model for ‘self aware narcissists that are all over instagram. It is pretty entertaining in some regards and I often find myself wanted to listen along and have them untangle the skein for me – but you its really just another opportunity to practice walking away from crazy.

  • I hate stuff like this because it’s just on the *border* of possibly being reasonable. It’s absolutely true that no one chooses to have a personality disorder, and we could all stand to have therapy – but that doesn’t mean you *are* that therapist, bub!

    • He has a disclaimer, in parentheses (Not a therapist!)

      I like how he doesn’t know why he’s this way, it’s not his fault, but feels enough authority to put his shingle out and coach others.

      Say it’s not being a better person. You’re trying really hard, each day, to be a shoe cobbler. You kind of suck at shoes. TAKE MY COBBLER CLASSES! Punch leather with an amateur!

      • I have two friends that are therapists and they both say it is impossible to treat Narcissists because they get mad and quit therapy. That was certainly my experience trying to attend couples therapy with my Narc-X-FW; once it became clear his impression management wasn’t necessarily working he stormed out.

        • Yes this. There is so much literature out there saying this. This guy is taking the angle that it’s like having ADHD or being on the Spectrum and we need to understand and make allowances. Ah no, not when that’s is one of the root expectations that Narcissists make anyway, that whole ‘make way for me’ mentality. The really telling thing here is he’s not offering coaching to narcissists to understand and change/better themselves, he’s offering support to their victims which is kinda like a serial killer being your therapist when another one has preyed on your family. Besides as said above there’s vankin and Tudor who will give you a more professional insight than this guy who really just sounds like he’s using it as a forum to talk more about himself

  • Is he fucking serious.

    And he isn’t even charismatic – which is the minimum you’d hope for from a self-admitted narcissist! Mediocre, self-absorbed, uninspired and yet so smug about themselves. There are a lot of people out there in the coach/influencer realm. An incredible phenomenon of our era I have to say…

    • Can we add unattractive and apparently unable to operate a beard trimmer?

      No judgement of anybody’s looks … Until they put themselves out there bragging about their conquests.

      2.5 years from DDay now & I just told the admin professional at work why I was divorcing. She looked to the side and said “Well…I guess I can tell you this now… After the last holiday party he came to, my husband told me ‘There’s just something not right about him.'”

      My narc abuse was practically invisible compared to what some go through, sometimes I doubt whether the term even applies. Then, validation. He really is disordered. He’s not a life coach, but he just loves to mentor his subordinates.

      • ‘There’s just something not right about him.’ Yes, there is this feeling that narcissists provoque and I think I’ve developed an (oversensitive) radar for it.

        My narc abuse was very subtle and invisible too. No verbal abuse, not anything close to physical abuse at all. The guy seemed like the sweetest, harmless person if you’d run into him as a stranger. Leaving the relationship I felt like I was manipulated without understanding why, I had lost myself somewhere along the way. Had to be hoovered back several times, with the dynamics getting worse at each time, before I could finally go NC for good. When I started reading about narcissistic dynamics, all fell into place.

        You don’t need any proof record to justify what you’ve been through to anyone. I think your judgement instinctively says enough. If it feels bad, that’s enough.

  • Ironically one of the videos on his site “Final Discard” is actually spot on and very much in line with CNs no contact philosophy … weird …

  • I am absolutely certain you can be a narcissist and not cheat on a partner, lie to a partner and betray your relationships. All you have to do is choose not to do those things. Or, if you don’t want to deny yourself those pleasures, don’t be in a relationship. Simples. Nobody has a right to have a partner, that’s incel thinking. Choose not to do harm.

    • Actually probably not. Cheating is a hallmark of this cluster B personality disorder. Could a Narc be faithful? Yes. Is it likely? No. They see no benefit (as long as they can successfully keep it secret) and get lots of kibbles for cheating with as many women as they can get and hide from wife appliance.

      • my EXH was a covert narc and did not cheat. verbal and financial abuse, no empathy, gaslighting, control – yes. cheating? no.

        The exFW – he was a different kind of narc. love-bombing and cheating. full of entitlement.

      • It’s certainly common, but don’t forget that cerebral narcs seldom cheat. They get kibbles from flaunting their alleged high intellect, not from sexual conquest.
        My Whiny Little Bitch, otoh, was a somatic covert narc. He was obsessed with sex as a kibble source, but even he managed to be faithful for many years, as long as I was providing enough sex to appease his ego. I hit menopause and was having some sexual difficulties. That’s when he started cheating.

        Narcs can refrain from cheating if they want to. Most of them just don’t want to.

        • OHFFS, exactly my experience. Even narcs are not cognitively deficient, they know cheating is wrong, and they choose to do harm. Having a personality disorder doesn’t mean you’re doomed to cheat imho, just like being a plague carrier doesn’t mean you’re doomed to infect people, you just avoid opportunities. Unless you’re selfish (narcs) enough to think indulging yourself is more important.

        • My cerebral narc did cheat. Knave-man relished in pursuing highly intelligent women, a real Ivy-League FW, and even used this as justification for his behavior.
          Big brains must be shared, according to him, especially when they are accompanied by an abundance of looks and charm.

  • “My wife stuck by me and, with her support, I’ve managed to become a better husband. We even have a 2-year-old daughter together.”

    CL is right to point out that the burden is on the wife to offer the proper support. I think we know that it won’t be long before he determines that her support isn’t quite right, at which point he’ll have no choice but to lapse into old habits.

    Maybe he’ll then have another blog/class or whatever the hell he does about spouses who fail narcs. #notourfault

    Also, that poor kid.

    • Yeah, I can’t even remember how many times the XH told me that I “saved him”, “helped make him a better person” and “not giving up on me”. Martha now UBT’s those lines to “thanks for not kicking me out”, “thanks for believing my lies yet again” and “thanks for being my wife appliance and making me look like a good family man when the truth is I’m a pathological liar and serial cheater”.

      Back in my early days when I watched narc abuse videos every single day; it’s quite possible I watched every creator on Youtube. I came across one creator who named his channel “Crazy Ex Girlfriend”. Long story short, women started commenting that he was preying on them and other “off” stuff. He’s now known as Demars Coaching; the predator probably figured out it was a red flag to call your ex-girlfriend “crazy”. And then there’s another Youtube creep/coach called “Narc ocogy unscriped”. He was doing shady stuff too with vulnerable women. The link for coaching looked like it was supposed to go to a real coach, but his name was on the website. Sadly, a lot of people fall for these predators, because they are desperate to feel better again and for the pain to stop. I have no doubt that the fake coaches feed off each other channels for content and add their twist to the video. There a few good ones out there who I did learn a lot from and they never asked for money, coaching services or “merch” for us to buy. Not that I’m saying supporting people for their work (like CL’s Patreon), but coaching services for people who are not even qualified. Why would I want coaching from an abuser? That makes no sense! This new “coach” is just plain gross. What do women see in men like him? I’ll never understand how these weasels get a beautiful wife and then lots of ho’s on the side.

    • That little girl is going to grow up in a unequal household, where Mommy has to ‘save’ dad. Is anyone else put off by the way he says- we even have a 2 year old daughter! Almost sounds like a possession, or she’s a trophy.
      Hope his wife wises up, and leaves with a good custody arrangement.

  • “Blame Jesus.” Oh Chump Lady, thank you for starting my day with a huge belly laugh.

    Was this self proclaimed guru ever held accountable for his cheating? I didn’t read where he was no longer cheating. His poor abused wife, and child deserve their very copy of LACGAL. This guy is a danger to society. I wish there was a way to muzzle him for the greater good.

    • My ex, who was on our church staff, actually did blame Jesus. He told me, straight faced, that it had to have been Jesus who compelled him to leave me for a massage parlor sex worker. He never would have done such a thing of his own volition. 🙄 I found out post divorce that he has a long history of picking up prostitutes off the street. How I didn’t end up with an STD truly is an act of divine providence.

      This wanker’s faux “woke” drivel reminds me SO much of the sad sausage bullshit my ex would say. It’s actually kind of fascinating how similar these fuckwits are. Thank God for Chumplady and LACGAL. I may have still been working on untangling that skein. Yes, this tool’s wife needs a copy. I hope someone gives her one.

        • H&D, I’ve come to think: aren’t all abusers wolves in sheep’s clothes? Because if they were just a wolf we would walk a long circle around them. They need some kind of decent facade to make them look somewhat credible in the first place.

    • Though he brags about a wife and a child to sound like he is capable of being a husband and a father-he has probably found a weak, vulnerable woman to exploit. Being in a marriage is his trophy in itself- they are but a staging area for his ongoing narcissistic indulgence.
      My X Used the family this way. Going to sports and other events here he could suck in kibbles from random interactions. The proof of this: he ever made a single friend in 20 years living in the neighborhood.
      When we left he had no one to say good/bye to.

  • Dear Ben,

    Jesus didn’t charge for helping anybody.

    You are a sociopath AND something. But I won’t say it here.

    You know, polite company and everything.

    I know someone who’s available to be your new best friend. You and he have a LOT a in common!

    Love (not),

    Velvet Hammer

    (To Chump Nation: I laughed out loud at the part where he asks the women he’s fucking behind his wife’s back if he’s
    a narcissist. Like if you want to know if you have a problem with alcohol, ask your companions in the drunk tank at 2:30 am. After you’ve totaled your car in a blackout. After getting fired from your job. Yep. They’re the exact right perfect expert objective educated people to ask).

    • My ex spent $2500. for weekly $100. sessions with a young life coach (also his yoga instructor). Just to bask in her presence. Now he is in group therapy with her as facilitator. The same woman he fantasizes about having body contortionist like sex with. The group is called “How to get what you want”. Of course I suggested he might be headed in the wrong direction here. Even after finding out he has been “exploring” his sexual identity our entire marriage, I still worry about his moral compass. He’s practicing risky behaviors and it scares me. I need the alimony $ to move forward and away. I swear he is like a drug for me. I’m in CODA 12 step group for help in this area, along with therapy and meds. No contact is not possible until assets are divided, and withdrawal happens every time he comes and goes. None of my friends or family understands this dynamic. The only place I feel truly heard and understood is here, on this blog. Thank God for it.

      • Yeah, in my experience for every day one is in a “relationship” with the disordered, it takes three days to get over it.
        So if it’s one year it’s three years to recover.
        And it sucks.
        Keep that in mind as you gauge the need to communicate.

        • So like I’m in big trouble then as I’ve been in the relationship with my ex longer than I’ve not meaning I won’t be alive by the time I’m over it. I mean it tracks but still… woah.

  • “Because her tits were bigger, that’s why”.
    Yup. But my ex won’t cop to it. Maybe he’ll take his cue from Ben here & become a narcissism life-coach….he would LUV to continue gaslighting me under a more professional banner & charge me for it. Anyone want to bet that down-the-road, it will be revealed that Ben continued whoring around while raking in money from chumps? Anyone? I got a $20.

  • “No, Megan, I am NOT messaging my fuckbuddies on social media. These are CLIENTS.”

    Pretty sure this is prophetic.

    • Anyone wonder if this less about the money and more about a way to meet new women? Think of what he’s saving on Tinder fees. The women he’s scoping out are paying him for the privilege.

      “Here’s a suggestion on how to send a wake-up call to your narcissist, cheating spouse, honey. I’ll be happy to help you…”

      • Yes. The target audience isn’t narcs trying to work on themselves (because that’s such a common narc thing), it’s women who have been burned by a male cheater narc wanting another male cheater narc to explain it all to them. He a narc “genius”…paid to play saviour to traumatized women who maybe fall for more, all while looking virtuous to his wife etc.

  • Most therapists, if you ask them, have worked through their own recovery from disabling habits, behaviors, addictions and/or pathologies. Sometimes this makes them very good at helping others. Other therapists struggle with their own demons while attempting to walk you through yours. Then there are those that have crack academic knowledge of subject matter and therapy modalities, but no understanding of how devious certain clients are. There are skilled predators and disordered people that are capable of reversing the psycology on the therapist with no one the wiser.

    Ben Taylor sounds like a narc that found his kibbles and adoration online and in the media like so many. At best he’ll help other narcs tighten their loose screws to play a better game – while shining the spotlight on himself and collecting payment. Yuk.

    • Yep. My STBX, who has the crappiest boundaries of any adult I’ve had the displeasure to know personally, is currently in a degree program in counseling. Even though she has a tenured academic job (in a different field). I suspect it’s because 1) she gets kibbles from students she “counsels,” and sees how she might get even more kibbles from other clients; and 2) having worked with at least two life coaches and multiple therapists over the years, STBX probably thinks she knows everything there is to know about counseling. Won’t the world be lucky to have someone like her with a license to get into other people’s heads?

      It would be funny, except for the part where STBX inevitably leaves her cushy tenured job for a counseling career, only to discover that it’s hard work that requires boundaries. And my kids will have to go down that road with her (since she’s not the abandoning sort of cheater).

      • My ex has long been entangled with a former student of both of ours who is as messed up in the head and from FOO issues as is my ex. Their entanglement began while she was a student, and has waxed and waned ever since.

        She was estranged from her father and had huge daddy issues which were undoubtedly the basis for her admiration of my ex (she even started a Facebook group for other of his students so they could all marvel at his wisdom and wonderfulness that my ex at one point said his sister called “stalking him”). At one point she wanted my ex to get an online minister’s degree so he could marry her and her then fiance–they never married–and my ex did it), and while working with the Director of Women’s Studies (who had multiple degrees in psych and ed studies), crossed so many boundaries the woman had to remove her from the study.

        One day in the middle of the devaluation period I came across him loading a chair from his office into his car; he said he was giving it to her, as a gesture, because, you see, he’d “counseled” her while she was his student, and now that she had an MSW and he was “questioning his gender identity” she was helping him explore himself (which amounted to getting sexually excited with himself when wearing women’s lingerie and taking selfies) and “counseling” him. (Unofficially, of course.) Now she’s in a PhD program in psychology; I can only imagine how many people she will “help.”

        • Yikes. 😬
          The halls of academia certainly harbor a fair amount of dysfunction! I’m NOT crying a river that I got laid off (from my adjunct teaching job at STBX’s university) and now am working in a NON-ACADEMIC research position. Plenty of work, decent pay, no STBX, no students. Whew 😅

  • I almost couldn’t finish reading without gagging 🤮
    Is he fucking serious? His chumpy wife has stayed with him? How desperate can she be?
    He’s a creepy narcissist that belongs with all the other sociopaths in this world. 😈

    • I used to be that chumpy wife who stood by my man even though he was treating me horribly. I used to be that desperate.

      I wish this woman well and hope she’s able to pick up the pieces and single parent with power when he decides she’s not wife-ing properly and he’ll have to find his true happiness elsewhere

    • Kathleen, if you’re on Instagram or TikTok, I encourage you to check out the #deconstruction community to learn about how high control religion grooms women from infancy to submit to this abuse.
      Ask me how I know. 😢

  • “It’s like sending a domestic abuse victim to Mike Tyson for ducking lessons.”

    This is the threshold for evaluating life coaches, therapists, lawyers, in-laws. Until society recognizes the harm inflicted on chumps and children, the narrative will continue.

    It’s sort of tempting to answer the “What happened to your marriage question” with “He beat the shit out of me.” Because it’s an accurate analogy. And succinct.

  • Oh this made me laugh so much over my lunch time coffee. It triggered a post Covid coughing fit. Thankyou CL!

    “I want to change people’s perceptions of narcissists. They get a bad rap as unfeeling predators. When really they’re just hurting people who haven’t yet realized the deep vein of profit in narcissist abuse recovery.”

    Bahahaha.

    • This reminds me so much of Patrick Carnes, the “original sex addict” who labeled his wife a Co-Sex Addict to divert the entire spotlight from him and his dysfunction to a marital issue. He was able to spark a movement and even create a 12 step group for the COSAs. There aren’t Co-Narcs, Co-Alcoholics, or Co-Gamblers groups but Carnes didn’t care. His kind of addiction was unique. Like this doofus, the main goal is to shirk taking 100% of the responsibility for their faulty brain wiring and bad behavior.

      • Reminder to all who deal with addicts (substance abuse or behaviors). You didn’t cause the addiction, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. The Three Cs of self-care.

    • Wow, I’m very surprised the court sided with the protective parent against the high-income (presumably) abuser. I feel like these days whoever has the most money and most stamina to file endlessly with the court ends up winning.

    • Thank you for that hit of sunshine. I needed it.
      Sometimes scum do get what they deserve. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

  • Spot on, CL.

    Also… really, “raw motivations”? I mean… good lord. What, were “slippery slopes” and “pure vibrations” already taken?

    The many, many ways these folks show their colors are disturbingly fascinating. I’m surprised he didn’t use a surname that teams up with Ben to make some sophomoric pun just to deepen how porny this site sounds.

    • Narc’s screen names for themselves are strangely revealing. My ex-husband’s screen name on various platforms is “ruthless”. That should have been a red flag, but I was 21 when we married and was an innocent baby.

      • It’s a fascinating topic! There’s another “diagnosed narcissist” on TikTok who goes by the name “mentalhealness.” By presenting himself as a “self aware NPD,” he’s gained 1.1M kibble supplies – I mean followers. 😣

        • I was going to bring up mentalhealness! He’s on YouTube, too.

          I spent some time going down the rabbit hole of his channel because I was looking for guidance, and saw his stuff and was like, wtf? I don’t think he’s copped to cheating, but speaks about narcissists cheating all the time. His wife left him twice, apparently, but she’s still around. He posts three times a day, with ever thinning content, often just repeating himself to make the videos longer. In one video his wife texts him something while he’s making the video (she has to text him while she’s in the same house?) and he gets visibly angry with her, then quickly turns it into a joke.

          I thought it was a moment when his “helpful” mask dropped. It was like, so fucking annoying to him, like contempt-worthy, that his wife texted about a household question while he was busy making videos from his garage or messy bedroom for millions of people to grant them wisdom about how to heal from and protect themselves against narcissistic abuse. Anyone who’s had a “helpful” ex who everyone else thinks is brilliant could probably recognize the type.

          The thing is, it doesn’t necessarily mean that some of what the narcs share about the way their mind works isn’t at least personally accurate. Mentalhealness talks a lot about enjoying having control of other people’s emotions and getting reactions out of people. One presumes that the adoration one gets from being in a helping profession spotlight is premium reaction / kibble.

            • And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. HOW DID I GET HERE?

              You made me laugh so hard!

              He really thinks that his insight??????? Is valuable
              Just FO.

              LIS

  • These are the posts that make me realize that Tracy is on another level of superhero to tackle this asshole’s tripe with the UBT. There isn’t enough lebkuchen in the world. (Speaking of which — they are back for the season at Trader Joe’s). This guy is a complete dick.

  • And what a catch he is! Let’s draw straws for him.
    I think what we should do is try hooking him up with Esther, they have the identical business model, validating cheaters for profit.
    Then we can order an emergency drone delivery of LACGAL to his completely and utterly snowballed wife. ( will use Amazon Prime, the faster the better!)
    He’s that rare bred of narcissist that wants to manipulate others to his own advantage. 🥱🥱🥱
    The line swings around Australia now Bud, so get your ass to the end, you conniving glitter turd.

  • I just tried googling him and there’s someone who is apparently also a life coach in England with the same name. Poor sod, I hope he isn’t watching his business go down the tubes because of this!

  • Oh gosh – I wretched when I read this article. All I could think was this self serving asswipe is proclaiming he’s a narcissist and a life coach and meanwhile looking at this poor wife wondering if she knows about ChumpLady yet or if she’s stuck in the RIC trenches.

  • My take may be unpopular … but ….

    Some people have learned to recognize racism/sexism/selfishness in themselves and change their ways of thinking. It does happen. Not often, but it certainly can happen as a person ages.

    • If so, he should be paying his dues to those he harmed by giving away these insights for free.

      But I don’t believe he has changed for the better AT ALL.

      • Yea, I was gonna say the response to such newfound humility is to make amends by living a better life and improve the lives of those around you…free of charge, lol

    • That’s true. He’s just not one of them.
      You can tell by how he dodges responsibility for his actions, not to mention his general douchiness.

    • Mitz – Personality Disorders aren’t just beliefs and habits that one can relinquish once they know better. NPD, for example, is developed in the infancy stage as a coping mechanism. It is ingrained in the makeup of a person and can render people incapable of empathy and any sort of selflessness. Some can change their behavior slightly but their impulses will always be that of a narcissist.

      • Not having much empathy does not automatically equal doing wrong. That I think is the big lie. Someone’s level of empathy does not cause them to do wrong, it makes it easier for them to do wrong but does not cause it. There are psychopaths who live with integrity. Psychopaths! All and behaviour stems from a belief that they are superior, and personality disorders are now used an excuse. They CAN help it. They make choices ti behave how they do and psychology often now absolves people of responsibility. Also, our behaviour shapes who we are. It’s like looking at someone who is 400 pounds and saying they cannot jog. Yes they could. If they changed their behaviour, they would change their body, brain chemistry and hormones and would look and be different. Check out David Wood – a psychopath who harmed people until his beloved changed. Now he behaves properly despite being a diagnosed psycho. anyway I am rambling but FEELINGS are not the problem, that he can’t help, BEHAVIOUR & the problem, that he can help.

    • There’s a difference between changing your thinking on a particular subject due to maturity and experience and changing who you are at your core. The faulty brain wiring and dark triad of these folks don’t allow for true introspection and growth. Narcs are all about image management and shape shifting to take the heat off themselves when their masks slip.

      Please read scholarly works about Cluster B personality disorders from educate and experienced experts like Martha Stout, Robert Hare, Lundy Bancroft, Sandra L Brown and Bill Eddy.

      Nowhere does this guy say he’s under the care of an expert in personality disorders. He’s diagnosed himself, treated himself, and determined that he’s now an authority on the topic.

  • Sam Vaknin, self-proclaims he is an officially diagnosed cluster b, professor of psychology & author. He’s been on internet for about 15 years.

    HG Tudor, another cluster b & author on internet.

    Lee Hammock, narcissist in therapy on internet.

    This new narc is WHAT? Educated? Author?
    In treatment? Nope: He’s just a copycat & possibly just another fake christian in $ales,

  • I have never met a narcissist who admitted to it or even had enough awareness to self diagnose. When I told my narcissist sociopath ex what he was he was incredulous that I would ever suggest that. I suspect this guy is just another cheating piece of shit who found a way to make money on desperate people and decided calling himself a narcissist was the way to do it.

  • My EX would be so jealous. He played with different strategies for starting a business wherein he could explain other people’s lives to them, instruct them on how to become more like him, claim his knowledge was a potent mixture of religious insight and self-work, and charge them money for it.

    He tried to develop a radio show (and by this I mean he mostly just talked about how great he would be) on which he would demonstrate some of his wisdom and entice listeners to become his clients. He decided he needed a partner in the field (psychology) and a partner in radio to back his plan and lend credence.

    So convinced was he of the brilliance of his scheme that he pitched it (unasked) to a renowned scholar of psychology whom he had met once and a famous radio personality whom he had never met. The scholar turned him down (leading my EX to weeks of anger about how the scholar was obviously a fraud since he hadn’t leapt at the opportunity), and he never got a response from the radio personality (leading to weeks of anger about how the celebrity was obviously planning on stealing his idea).

    My EX lacked the faux humility Ben apparently uses to lure in clients, but other than that, Ben looks awfully familiar. My EX was working out of the garage at the time too!

    I hope Ben’s wife is planning her exit strategy.

  • These people, narcs, are hard-wired to be this way. From family to men, I’ve known more than my share. I can only sympathize so much (at this point not at all) and can only recommend people run from them. Run! Who gives a shit what crap happened to them as kids, or their brain defectects, or faulty genes. You don’t hang around serial killers because you feel sorry for them and they claim to be working in themselves. How about we be allowed to think about ourselves, for once. He got caught with his pants down and wants to play sad sausage, have an audience, and get paid for it. Modern day version of the tent revivalist wringing his hands about what a sinner he was, now he’s saved, all the while finding new pussy and raking it in.

    • PS: Look at him. Who are all these women he’s supposedly doing? My first thought was huh? Like maybe he’s making it uo, because he’s not a good looking dude at all. He looks like a dopey little selfish kid. Why would anyone want to fuck that?

      • My cousin was married to an 250 lb narcissist who never found a shortage of supply of OW to f**k. He’d often wear shirts that were too short to cover his girth and so you could see the lower part of his stomach hanging out.
        I never understood how women gravitated to him.

      • Never underestimate the generosity of women, or the predations of a certain kind of man who knows how to exploit a woman who craves love and will accept the palest imitation of it.

        And before Team Misandry comes for me, I’ve yet to see a schlubby woman mount a successful coaching business — with profiles in major newspapers and websites — by trotting her years of fucking around and abusing her husband as an example of How To Bob And Weave Around The DisorderedTM.

        But, like, feel free to drop examples in a reply.

        • Hahaha so true!!

          And what gets women to gravitate to these men: their fantastic manipulation technique + the precisely the fact that they’re not so good looking. Because it makes them less suspicious to fuck around. My bet..

      • Would you believe it?: He looks a lot like my X. Little round nose, kind of dumpy (he was a fat kid in school, lost a lot of weight as an adult, but was always kind of doughy), weird beard growth, little (higher) voice, and quite short. Short enough that he was self-conscious about it.

        And who would want to sleep with that? Me, I guess; I was madly in love. I guess it helped that my own self-esteem wasn’t all that great. When I was dating FW, back when we were young, I’d rate myself (at my best!) as “average.” FW told me that I was a fantastic catch and he pursued me aggressively.

        FW had, and has, a lot of self-esteem issues about his appearance. No one looked twice at him in high school (short, dumpy, fat) and he would bring that up a lot. He always made up for it by having a lot of charisma. When he got out of school and into the real world, he found that charisma carries you a lot farther than it did in high school–like, women were interested in him. Really interested in him. He couldn’t believe it. And he started to resent being married to me so young (married at 21) because, well heck, why did he settle for hamburger when the world was full of steaks? He would come back home to me and brag excitedly about who had flirted shamelessly with him that day; he loved that women thought he was thoughtful and funny: “Becky says ‘Tell your wife she’s a lucky woman.” I would beam back at him and repeat the sentiment. I look back now and feel gross when I realize that, to him, a good bonding experience was discussing how awesome he was.

        On his blue days, he’d say “I’ll always be that fat school in high school that no one thought was a catch.” I’d say “I *always* thought you were a catch.” Either we’d continue talking about how much of a catch he was or he wouldn’t respond and would walk away, upset with himself that he had married young when the world was full of steaks.

        We had a mutual friend who was also short and dumpy. After FW took off, he pursued me. Slowly, at first, and then with increasing vigour. I told him I wasn’t interested. He got angry… not specifically with me but with women in general. Women who don’t look twice at short, fat guys. (I was like “Did you see who I married…?”) [Short, fat mutual friend] and I were estranged for years after that and he contacted me a long time after. I thought he was just wanting to… y’know.. check in, maybe update me about his life… nope. It was a diatribe about too many people in his life have screwed him over and how women don’t give him the time of day.

        My FWX felt exactly the same way except that he had a lot of social charm, charisma, and women would give him the time of day.

        I don’t want to click on this guy’s link and give him validation… but he looks like my X and I suspect he sounds like him too. I’m sure there are wonderful fellows out there who are short and dumpy, and I wish them all the happiness in the world, but I am extremely wary of them and the chips they have on their shoulders. Just from personal experience. And maybe this guy’s video too. Honestly? I used to be genuinely attracted to shorter, unmuscular guys. They used to be “my type.” Now they repel me.

        I’m not looking for the opposite body type or for some muscular meat-head, not at all. I’m just… not looking for anything. But I definitely give a wide berth to all the fellows who match my X’s general body type because that body type and I have been through some bad times.

        I’m also avoiding Geminis. 😉

  • I’ve only read a bit so far but CHUMPLADY, your perfectly timed reference to “Burning Down the House” made me spit my coffee.
    “And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. HOW DID I GET HERE?
    You’re brilliant. I used to sing that to myself well after the painfog of being cheated on and abandoned after 30 yrs lifted.
    Well done, Chumplady!

  • Let me see if I have this straight.

    So if you’ve ever been in a relationship with, or had any dealings with a toxic asshole, this admitted toxic asshole is offering his services (for a fee) to help you put your experience in perspective to understand what it’s like to deal with a toxic asshole.

    That’s chutzpah!

  • Sounds like he ruined his beautiful image and got booted from his job and this was the only idea he could come up with. Since he’s a liar, maybe he doesn’t even have a wife or a kid.

  • Thank you for skewering this loser, CL. Too much of this post hits too close to home. Ugh, just that freeze frame of a narcissistic bozo talking into the camera like some kind of guru. I wish I could share photos and videos of my FW ex for reference, because then CN could laugh and gag along with me. Photos of that murderer, Brian Laundrie, gave me the chills, too. My ex is like a cross between the two. My ex was always the expert and really did fancy himself a guru: meditation, quitting alcohol, diet, exercise, politics, you name it.

    To add to the uncanny coincidences in this post, one of the media outlets even comes with a strange connection for me. If I weren’t chumpy (or perhaps ‘judicious’ is a better word), I’d write a letter to the editor, an acquaintance and surely a narcissist, himself. I wonder if he noticed the striking resemblance in the freeze frame.

    And the part about, “I asked my wife if I’m a sociopath.” My ex sad sausaged me with the same exact question after more of his sick lies came out. Similarly, I looked it up and thought, ‘Yes, he might be.’ Just yesterday, my sister and I talked about “all this,” which we rarely do anymore. She told me that she’s watching a show on tv and it actually makes her wonder if my ex could be a psychopath. She and my other sister were really worried for my safety for awhile, and if I’d been in my right mind, I would’ve been, too. She had a panic attack and hid the one time she saw him (he has been like her big brother since she was in high school) and still has nightmares about him, my mom thinks she sees him everywhere, my dad fantasizes about confronting him and setting him straight (I’ve told him it’s just kibble and FW will find a way to turn it on him, so please don’t), and so on. FW was part of the family one day, and then he disappeared. He traumatized them, too. They were so good to him, and he took advantage, discarded, and never looked back. He never cared. I don’t believe these Fuckwit Warriors are capable of change.

  • I’ve listened to HG Tudor, a self-professed narcissist and sociopath, on YouTube. It’s free, educational and I enjoy listening to his plummy British accent. Much better option than this loser.

  • “And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife. HOW DID I GET HERE?’

    I snort laughed at that. 😂😂

    His poor wife and child. Great job of still making it all about him and putting all of their family trauma and his garbage out in the public so he can make a buck off of it

    • Ty!!
      You may find yourself in a divirce court
      Talking Heads is now on continuous rotation in my head now🆒🎶
      Then this!!! (sic)
      Who am I? Why am I this way? …

      Me, me, me, and also me INSERT PICTURE OF THE AGENT FROM THE MATRIX

      Happy Thanksgivig Tracy!!

  • Well, it IS Lebkuchen season, after all. Keep feeding the UBT those cookies!! (This guy is a double creep, eh? Trying to scam a living off his creepitude. May the Krampus come and punish him.)

  • ChumpLady!!!
    It is my hope that this guy is wildly successful by his standards ( whatever that might be ) and that every Freak who takes his class gets a stamp of approval, similar to a vaccine card. This stamp is mandatory for all Freaks to present in the next relationship. I know that if I saw that stamp I’d be all “no thank you”. Because you never know what they’re really alike when all alone.

  • Nothing says “I overcame my narcissism” like turning into a life coach and further embarrassing your spouse by shouting to the world how often you cheated on her for eight years.

        • At least Sam Vaknin is honest in saying that he hasn’t changed a bit, fundamentally. He has just modified his behavior because he former way of acting was ruining his life.

          HG Tudor is chilling to listen to (having been married to a scary narcissist myself), but he’s right on the money and I learned a lot from him.

          Richard Grannon’s video about how we are just actors in the narcissist’s movie was very eye opening. My ex was a filmmaker, and it was scary accurate.

          I’m happy to say I’m in a place now where I no longer feel the need to watch videos like this. But in the thick of things, they were invaluable.

          This guy is just an ass, though.

  • Yes, you have to be very careful who you get help from in these things. This guy is just ugh. Maybe he’s better but maybe not, but I’d run the other way.

    You do have to poke around a bit on therapists and coaches. I ultimately got the most help from an older coach with a lot of experience. Post-divorce, I became friends with a therapist who runs a paid online support group who has given me scads of nuggets of wisdom. He was the one who told me about Chump Lady.

    I knew enough to steer clear of that sort of thing in attorneys. My ex picked a cheater who locals said was a narcissist himself. When I found the right attorney for me, I expressed some concerns about that attorney to mine, and he said not to worry. He told me that attorney would be all bluster and probably skirt the edge of the law, but he’d come around because that attorney knew he couldn’t pull anything over mine. They had been going against each other for thirty years. Mine also committed that it was good that my ex had a strong-willed attorney because he’d stand up to my ex. And that’s exactly what happened.

    So yes, they’re everywhere, but never hire one current/past when you’re looking for a therapist, coach, or attorney. Never!

  • My guess is that only a handful of people will pay this guy for his “coaching” services and most of those will be cheating men looking to be told they aren’t so bad and he will oblige, allowing the “clients” to tell their chumps, “See, I’m in counseling.”

    Yes, counseling is more palatable to cheaters when it only involves two cheaters sitting around talking about how interesting cheaters are.

    #TheProblemIsNotTheCure

    • “My guess is that only a handful of people will pay this guy for his “coaching” services and most of those will be cheating men looking to be told they aren’t so bad.”

      Coach: “There’s nothing wrong with you! You just have a narc disorder and anyone who calls you out on it is an ableist. So you go out and live your best life as long as you’re not hurting yourself.”
      Client: “What about my wife?”
      Coach: “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

  • Yikes! Did you see the section on his home page titled “Values”. How he is there to “Promote the Kingdom” and “Glorify God”. “Grow the Kingdom”, Support the Kingdom”, “Build the Kingdom”. Yep, he’s there to glorify God and promote his heavenly kingdom. Oh wait! In the very last paragraph, Ben says he’s there to “expand my Kingdom”. Which is it Ben? God’s kingdom or yours? Oh wait, expanding Ben’s kingdom will expand God’s. No wonder religious narcs are so confident in telling people what God wants, and how to have a relationship with the divine. God and narc are the same, see. Gross.

  • This is freakin’ gold. I laughed so hard I had to re-read it again, and again, and again:
    they just burst on the scene with balaclavas over their little lie faces, and duct-taped me to a chair

  • Hated feeding him kibbles, but watched some of his videos just now. It was wild to hear him say he’s married with a child and then say narcissists will trap you and make it extremely difficult to get away from them, but to get away immediately. Maybe his wife isn’t allowed to use technology?

  • Men who are life coaches and dating gurus strike me as egomaniacs who get off on exercising authority and influence over women they can’t reasonably justify or earn, but get paid a lot for it.

  • My ex, very likely a sociopath/narcissist got so much worse over time. I don’t think a life coach can disrupt the process of personality disordered people going down hill. He’s young- he’s going to get worse too. So watch this space… he’ll implode and go scorched earth like they all seem to do in the end. His wife needs to run!

  • Another self appointed life coach who found a niche in the “therapy industry” You wont find many psychopaths/sociopaths having therapy/treatment either.

  • We here at Chump Nation have learned some facts of life. One of them is about the snakes in our lives.

    When a snake sheds its skin it becomes a bigger snake. It does not be come a cuddly puppy or a unicorn.

  • Dear Chump Nation,
    I could use your help. I won’t completely denounce my conservative values, but I am possibly facing a really bad situation due to being a stay at home mom. I am currently dealing with a reoccurring affair with one woman. A as my advice would really help. Chump lady, if you see this, thank you.
    Jaded

    • Hello Jaded, by ‘conservative values’ do you mean you won’t divorce? Because Chump Lady is all about helping us realise we are 100% better off if we rid our lives of drama, anxiety, threats to our emotional, sexual and financial health by leaving a cheater and gaining a life. I’m so sorry you’re in this terrifying situation but to be authentic, have peace of mind and respect yourself, I believe it’s the only way. You can read in the archives how so many other parents have come to this conclusion, stepped off into space and found that life is so much better for them AND their children without a cheater in it. The very best to you Jaded, I hope you keep reading and commenting xxx

    • Jaded, if you have conservative values, you believe in keeping your marriage vows, right? Your husband does not. You don’t share the same values. He is not the right person for you, and he’s more than likely a crappy father, too. The kids will be better off in a situation where you are not being emotionally abused.

      Contact an attorney (without telling your husband) and get the ball rolling. As a SAHM, you are entitled to financial support from your husband. Start putting money aside immediately and do not tell him. Get STD tests and do NOT have sex with him. Not only is it hazardous to your health, it might prevent you from bring able to divorce for adultery. Crazily enough, it’s seen as an endorsement of cheating in some jurisdictions.
      Be sure to gather evidence of his cheating.
      You need to be free of this horrible man. I’m so sorry he did this to you.

    • Jaded: please see a lawyer ASAP so you can make informed decisions. You deserve a home that is safe, and you are not safe when you are married to someone who brutally betrays you.

      Conservative views on marriage are consistent with divorcing a repeat cheater. Staying coupled to such a person amounts to your implied approval of such conduct. He is trampling the belief that marriage is a sacred and sacramental bond: if you feel otherwise, you must separate yourself from such sacrilege.

      Praying for you to find strength and, ultimately, peace.

      • True. Genuine conservative values would defend the sanctity of marriage and refuse to live in a sham relationship with ongoing adultery. My Catholic self would say that he is in Mortal Sin.

        If your husband is having sex with another woman, then your baseline definition of marriage is not the same.

    • Read Divorce Minister’s blog. He also wrote a book and has commented on this blog. Tracy has endorsed his work.

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