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Cheater Freak Christmas Contest

xmas6I’m a little late this year, but it’s time again for our Cheater Freak Christmas Contest! Like the 12 Days of Christmas Song, only we count down outlandish stories.

This is how the game is played. You determine what parts of your infidelity story make you Freak of the Week. I want the weird, WTF details.

For example, Mr. CL and I know a fellow whose (now ex) wife had special wedding rings crafted for when she and her OM had trysts. That’s a contender!

The object here is to be as SUCCINCT as possible. No essays! You can comment on other people’s submissions, but each submission needs to be three brief sentences, tops.

Some examples (crafted from actual past submissions):

  1. Ex left his six-figure job to become a dancing yeti.
  2. For Christmas, cheater presented her with a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat.
  3. The Schmoopies stole the chump’s parrot. She found the parrot, by tracking them to a hotel and singing the Sponge Bob Square Pants song (the parrot’s favorite). The parrot sang back. Jig was up.

Every day this blog is gathering new chumps and new stories. You veterans are more than welcome to submit your previous stories, (we never grow tired of BarristerBelle’s story of her ex who jumped around furiously in a sleeping bag).

Winner gets a signed copy of the book. (Some cartoons below of winners past.)

So BRING IT ON, chumps! Let the competition begin!

Xmas1freakxmas7freakxmas3freakxmas2 freakxmas11

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • All the newbies need to be told that the stories in 1-3 (including the parrot who sings Spongebob and had to be found after theft) ARE ACTUALLY TRUE!! Yes, Cheaters are THAT fucked up !

    • I went to XW’s school teacher Christmas party. Ugly sweaters, etc. They had a gift exchange where you draw numbers for a gift and then you can swap/steal the gifts from each other. My XW made several swaps to get and keep a plastic storage bin, which seemed a little odd. She knew who it came from and exclaimed what a nice “ice chest” it was. She could stop talking about how special it was. On the drive home I told her it was not an ice chest, but a storage bin. She became extremely irritated with me because “I always had to be right!”
      You guessed it. She was having sex with him and at least one other guy at her school.

  • He left us (I was 9 months pregnant and our toddler) on a snowy Christmas night to drive to his parent’s house to pick up a dog cage to then take to a “coworker” who got a puppy for her child as a Christmas gift earlier that day.

  • He snuck into the house whilst me and kids were staying at my parents for christmas (after dday) and stole my unworn brand new cherry red dr. martin boots that he had gifted me a previous year. He was skint and needed a present for OW#2. We were conveniently the same shoe size… #walkinginmyshoes

    • Well, what did you expect? You hadn’t even worn them so CLEARLY you did appreciate his gift!

      #whatanasshat #hopethosebootsareupherassnow #regiftingdoneALLwrong

      I bet you were eventually delighted to get rid of him. I don’t suppose there was a scorpion lurking in the toe for her dainty foot, was there? Would have been apropos.

    • You must check out the song by Bobby Blue Bland — “That Did It” — it has a line:

      You know I didn’t mind
      Taking care of you
      But I saw your other man
      Wearing my brand new shoes

    • my FW took the motorcycle jacket he gave me (and that I used on his motorcycle) because since I dumped him (and his motorcycle) I wouldn’t need it. He wanted it for his next conquest. I’m quite petite and none of his next victims would even fit in it.

      • When my Asshat abandoned me out of the blue he took a set of love stories he had given me years earlier. He gave them to his latest flatterfuck. When challenged about how he could do such a thing he simply declared that I never liked them. News to me, a total fabrication. Easy peasy for him, he just makes up whatever story he needs to justify his bullshit, blaming us for being inadequate in some way.

        Like your jacket and the red Doc Martins, the things narcs give us are merely the accessories needed for whomever is currently in their stage play. When we are shoved off into the orchestra pit they keep the costumes and props for the next one. It’s nothing personal.

        • Just as they rewrite history they’ll use whatever worked previously. For the Limited it was updating forty year old sappy poems he wrote in his teens. All included ‘Dream Girl’, ‘The One’, and ‘The dance; the kiss’. The duping is delicious.

  • He gift me with a GPS device that I didn’t need while buying himself the most upscale one at double the price.

    #should.have.shredded.the.receipts.youdumbass

    • 1. No one would help him move out, so he stood on the sidewalk and cried on his phone to OM to come help load half our furniture in a UHaul. I warned him if she showed up to my property her face would meet an ice pick. She did not try me.

      2. They told their entire work circle they only started dating the day he moved out. After three years of sitting on a couch I paid for he moved an entire apartment’s worth of furniture and supposedly impregnated his coworker in the same day. She inherited a 47 year old 325 pound Superman!

      3. But the math doesn’t add up.They lied to everyone about the affair timeline. As my OBGYN later stated, ‘The Calendar doesn’t lie. A Uterus is not an Instant Pot.’ I was so diligent about no contact I didn’t even know about the baby until a year later. He conned a third woman into triangulation. She would watch the baby while she was told the Sluterus was now gay so they could get away for fuckdates. True Romance!

    • First Christmas together (on and off prior). I got him an expensive GPS system. He got me not one, but two massagers… because I was pregnant and he couldn’t be bothered to massage my sore back.

  • While on a ski trip getaway with OW, he agreed to get a matching heart tattoo about the size of a quarter in the most feminine of places – his crotchetal/pelvis area, about an inch higher than the penoose and three inches to the right. Then he had to play hide the tattoo from wifey until he made his confession.

  • He’s 30 and a courier for a package company. He met a 63 year old woman who would tell him how handsome he is during drop offs and proceeded to start a relationship with her and screwed her in the back of his delivery truck. She’s older than his mom.

        • Definitely nothing wrong with being over 60! Just wrong when you very much know your boy toy is married with 2 young kids. And they’d send nudes to one another. She literally pulled her pants down at work and sent him a crotch shot at her desk ???? He moved on to his much more age appropriate 31 year boss from his second job he had to get because he got a DUI. It’s crazy how ridiculous you sound when you actually type it out and realize what you stayed through.

        • It’s disgusting to screw people young enough to be your child. I don’t care who that offends. I want nothing to do with people who do this. I don’t care if they’re men or women, it’s revolting. And it’s a clear sign to me that they’re stunted mentally and emotionally. Cougars and dirty old men are not cute, they’re repulsive and pathetic.

          • Agreed. It has nothing to do with male/female and isn’t “age shaming” as someone said. If it were reverse and a 30 year old woman sleeping with a 63 year old I would still be disgusting. Not to mention the fact that this was all while be married. But whatever. Apparently we’re the inappropriate ones for thinking this way.

            • I agree it wasn’t age shaming. Come on George Burns looked like a skeeve with 20 somethings hanging all over him. I don’t care how funny he was, or how much money he had.

              May West looked like a skeeve with young men hanging all over her. When a much younger person is with an old person you can bet that they are getting paid somehow. Some more than others.

              This shit has been going on forever, and it doesn’t look any better now than it ever did.

              The pay off may not always be money, but it usually is some form of money, be it a meal ticket, access to a career, or an outright wad of cash. Too many pay offs to mention.

              • This is a bunch of age shaming bullshit, I’m sorry. The gross part is the cheating, not the age of the people. Using people for sex is skeevy- let’s not make it about age. Old people are not gross or disgusting.
                I normally really like this site but these comments just piss me off.

              • Oh absolutely the cheatings is the worst.

                But, I am 72 and I still think May West with a bunch of young studs glomming all over her, and same with George Burns is skeevy. Thought it when I was 40 think it now.

                We can disagree, but this is a site where chumps are free to state their opinions, and now we both have.

              • To the people who are mad about what they consider ageism, there is nothing more devastating to a woman who has given her best boob years to her spouse only to be returned for someone 31 years younger. The need for a 53 yr old to seek out the attention of an 18 yr old is ABSOLUTELY about stunted emotional growth on the part of the 53 yr old, JS.

            • I think this is a board for chumps to let loose a little and not be stifled like they have been for so long.

              I have said several ugly things about his whore that I would never have said to her face, or really anyone outside of this venue except maybe my older brother, who is my best friend aside from my H.

              That said I am 71 now and the thought of having any kind of intimate relations with a guy 20 years younger gags me. However, being intimate with my ten years older husband is great.

            • It was 30, not 50. And I’ve seen plenty of people on here be disgusted by old men with young women, as I’m disgusted by my ex husband screwing women our son’s age. We aren’t misogynists, try again.

              • You know who bothers me? Clint Eastwood. He has cheated and double cheated on so many women. He is an old man and he is not dating an old woman. It would be news if he were. Maybe he has finished given up. It’s about time.

          • An inquiring mind wants to know. Did Tom Selleck have to service Mae “Come up and see me some time” West in order to launch his career ? That was his first onscreen appearance. She was sporting a wig, lots of Max Factor pancake makeup and still trotting around on little stilts.

    • My FW started an affair at 60 with a woman who was 86. After I finally kicked him out he contacted her to see if she wanted to see him again. They’re now 64 and 90.

          • Well, since it’s all documented in police reports and court documents, no.

            Although, he told everyone I was a lying bitch and I got blamed, shamed and shunned, as I said in another comment. It speaks to the power of society’s desire for cheap, easy grace.

            The children and I are damaged in ways that can never be totally healed.

  • When she was on a business trip, the other woman gave her a hickey. She appeared to me and our toddler on FaceTime later that day and told this wild story about a random crazy woman who started kissing her at a bar and sucked on her neck for no reason.

    Later, when the jig was up, I realized that the story was bullshit and confronted her about it. She said the other woman gave her a hickey “by accident.”

    How do you get a hickey by accident??!

    I pointed this out and she called me a stupid bitch.

    • She told our marriage counselor that she was feeing resentful because she was “too young to have children.”

      He said, “How old are you?”

      She said, “33,” and continued to look morose during the ling, sarcastic silence that followed.

      • I used to go to school on Mondays. This particular Monday was a Federal holiday so he was off. He came home with a broken kneecap BUT he called me at school )something he NEVER did to let me know that he was injured riding his bike (in a city where we didnt live) after being chased and attacked by a ferocious dog who he said he killed with the rock that he hit when he crashed.

        Ladies and Gentlemen, I BELIEVED his story.

        but I now wonder what jealous man caught him fucking his woman and hit his kneecap with a baseball bat.

        Wow, maybe CL could use the “ferocious dog broke my kneecap story” if it rhymes with anything

        • A benevolent ER physician tried to gently explain to me that it takes a significant amount of force to break a kneecap. I didnt get the gist of her message that day…didnt get it for YEARS…then was like “ooooooohhhhhhh”

          • This reminds me, I used to talk to a guy who had cheater tendencies and he needed a knee replacement. Claimed he broke it falling over while on some kind of trek. I did believe him (long distance friendship and we never met) but now I’m wondering!

          • My ex has a scar on his chin from getting punched by the husband of a woman my ex was fucking when he came home and caught the two of them together in the shower. We weren’t together when it happened: he was an undergraduate student going to school on a tuition waiver because his father was a professor, and she was the secretary of his father’s department.

          • This is a great story. Can you even imagine making up such a crazy story after having your knee bashed in?! I love that dr for being honest with you.

            My FW had a “car accident” then a just a few days later a window hit on his vehicle. He said it was random in a shopping parking lot that some guys hit his windshield with a baseball bat. I assumed that would crush a window, it did not. It looked more like 3 punches. I’m wondering whose husband/boyfriend he pissed off to do this!

    • My ex fiancee (way back) was in the Turks and Caicos (was still remote not yet a resort destination) and on the phone told me that a buoy snapped and hit him in the neck. He told me he had a hematoma and could have died! When I picked him up at the airport I said OMG it looks like a huge hickey…he got very upset because I made fun of something that nearly killed him. Nope the hickey was from some island girl he was fooling around with for months. She gave it to him because she was pissed he was coming back to me. She came up to the states within a month, pregnant with his kid. Of course we broke up, they got together and it did not end well. He has no contact with his now adult daughter or his baby mama.

      • Your story remind me of about maybe three years before Dday, he showed up with a black eye. He told me he got hit with a baseball during practice. By that time he was no longer coaching a kids team, he played it off like he was just watching a game.

        I wonder if that was true, or if whore had clobbered him. He did tell me once quite a while after he left that whore has a temper. Lol, he wasn’t used to that with me.

      • That’s the thing— a hickey isn’t even just evidence that they fucked someone else. It’s evidence that they fucked someone else, and that someone else wants you to find out. It is absolutely in no way possible for it to be “an accident!” At least your fuckwit seemed to know that, jeeeeez

        • Hicky = A temporary way of branding your lover.

          Tattoo near your private parts = A permanent way of branding your lover

          • I have the opposite story. I gave my longtime FW husband a hickey one night. I’m not sure why because I didn’t really normally do that, but probably I sensed there was an AP. I later found out that the AP dumped him over it because obviously his story of a loveless marriage didn’t hold up! Lol

    • I also had a hickey story from my ex wife. She had them on her boob and chest and I confronted her and she said it was from our 7 year old climbing on her and playing to rough. I had already filed for divorce at that stage anyway. 3 kids and never once did their wrestling ever cause hickey type bruises. One was even exact size of a human mouth but hey.

      Other was when she had warts on upper inside of her thighs and she said sometimes females just get that. I spoke to family doctor who knows what the ex wife did with the serial cheating and the doctor got annoyed over it and said, no those are genital warts!

      • A friend of mine was once chumped by a fuckwit and found out because fuckwit was COVERED in hickeys. “There were even hickeys in between her thighs,” she says.

        Fuckwit was a deeply, deeply disordered person who “really should not have been dating,” according to chump friend.

    • Kit3399, He is lazy, probably too much work to brandish two guns at me.

      I’m still not over this. I think he would have killed me if I hadn’t left.

      • 33, I understand. It’s been seven years and I’m still the definition of hypervigilant.

        The guns (I wasn’t threatening you, I was just making a point!) cost him: a permanent protective order for me, lost custody of our children, a bench-ordered psych eval, batterer’s intervention program, anger management classes and a 55-45 property split in our no-fault state. And he had to give up his guns for 5 years.

        But guess who got blamed, shamed and shunned? That’s right, me. Because he’s a good guy and “explained all that.”

  • I never had proof for years and D-Day happened because while I was putting a bag for goodwill in the trunk of his car I found his gym bag….but he hadn’t been to the gym in years. I opened it. It was full of dildos and strap ons….some of them were my personal toys. He had been meeting one of his APs in a hotel to get pegged.

    A literal bag of dicks outed him.

    • Have you seen the company that will send a person a singing bag of dicks? You can pay extra for a version that is loud and won’t stop playing for hours. I am having a fantastic rage fantasy on your behalf right now. ????

    • Tying this in to the ‘You’d like AP if you met him/her’ post from earlier this week, this could only be better if he had used the opportunity to exclaim “See honey, you two have so much in common since she likes to use the SAME dildos that you use!” Ugh, so gross.

      And yes, yes, yes to the cartoon.

    • Bahahahahahaha. EABOD! Wow. My FW loves that phrase. His ridiculous moment was when he tried to downplay the hookers by complaining that: 1-none of them really looked like their pictures
      2-they only went for a few minutes
      3-he came early during a BJ and she figured her job was done and asked for money for an Uber and he was pissed
      4-another one wouldn’t shut up about the condom she provided that was burning (fire & ice or something)
      Seriously! Poor guy fell victim to false advertising yet still used them. Hmmmmmm

  • 1. He threatened suicide and then took off after accusing me of cheating. When I found him, he was at the woman’s home whom he had been threatening to sleep with for years. I then find out he has been for 6 years.

    2. There is this sweet picture of him holding my baby niece at Christmas while she is sleeping. I later find out that the same time he was doing this, he was texting the same woman from above telling her how him and his son were all alone at Christmas and she’s inviting him over in these texts.

    • When I’ve looked back at photos of FW to delete them, I’ve noticed that in the last year together in each photo and video he is in the background on his phone. He always said he was texting one of our daughters which I of corse accepted ????????‍♀️. In most of the photos she is there. I was such a chump! But now I’m limping to mighty ????

  • The day the cleaner told me she had found a huge tube of canestan cream under our bed with the ho workers name on it….game over.

  • One of the reasons my ex gave me for how we were “incompatible” was that I wanted to get a campervan and he preferred tents!

  • He landed for his first deployment after I uprooted my entire life to move half across the country to be with him and instead of saying “hey I’m safe,” I was greeted with “I want an open marriage.” After being told absolutely now, his compromise was to buy a (very anatomically specific) sex doll. But it’s ok, because I was going to be able to pick it out with him and we could name it together #truelove ????

  • He came over to the house while I was away to get the rest of his things, with my permission. But he masturbated in my shower and left his ejaculate to harden on my shower doors. I had to scrape it off with a razor blade when I got back.

      • oh my living god…the fuckwit lived next door to me for awhile that felt like decades. I had a small dog he tried to steal. When that didn’t work, he tossed his used condoms into my backyard for the dog to find and almost swallow. It still makes me want to throw up. It was considered hazardous waste by the cops, but they couldn’t prove it was him. JFC.

  • 1) Nicknamed himself the Vagina Wrecker in texts to various hookups
    2) Used Branson, Missouri as his favored hookup location. (Very Seedy underbelly in conservative America’s family friendly vacation destination)
    3) Declared that box mix chocolate cake was soooo much better than my homemade from scratch cake. (Said with a huge mouthful of homemade cake that I told him came from a box so that he would eat it. Kept the same box of devils food cake mix in the pantry for years. Would take it out and put it on the counter so he would see it, then bake my own.)

    • I wonder how many chumps out there got devalued and/or made to feel off balance/crazy when it came to food.

      When we first got married, I wasn’t that experienced in the kitchen. But I tried my best and made new recipes all that time. I tried all different kinds of meat, but he made a comment that he mainly liked chicken. So, I beefed up my chicken recipes at home, but when we’d go out to eat, he’d order anything but chicken. So many times, he’d say he didn’t like a certain food, so I’d never prepare it again. And then a few years later he’d say that he did like that certain food and said, “I never said that.” about not liking that food. On our last anniversary, we went to a hotel/restaurant that’s known for their great steaks. We had a package deal where you had to order from a special menu, but the menu was quite large and varied. Well, he had to have fish and paid the extra $20ish to order off a different menu. He was always moving the goalposts when it came to food. I just wanted to make him happy and serve him things he’d like, but that was hard to do when he kept changing what he said. So happy not to have to live with that anymore!!!!

      • I actually went to culinary school and have a pastry chef certification … saying box cakes were superior to my own was definitely just another means to devalue me. Never saying thank you for a meal or acknowledging when he enjoyed my cooking was another way. It got to the point if I tried something new, I had to ask if it was OK for me to make it again.
        He liked to tell folks he was not a picky eater. But where my food was concerned, he sure was.
        Abuse comes in many forms, especially if they undercut something you are particularly good at. They seem to have the need to tear that down too.

        • STBX got angry with me, 2 years ago this time, when I brought home some of the Christmas goodies that vendor reps had been bringing to my job. We had TONS of stuff in the break room so we all divided it up. He was mad, you see, because I brought him a chocolate covered pretzel rod. I know. I’m such a bitch, right? I’d grabbed one for each of the kids and, of course, grabbed one for him. He was SO nasty about the stupid pretzel and I was SO confused by his anger over it when I was just trying to be nice. Went on and on and ON about how he hates chocolate covered pretzels and why would I bring him one, etc. I told him he’d NEVER told me he didn’t like those and told him he was welcome anyway since I was just trying to do something nice.

          Do you know how many times I’ve seen him eat chocolate covered pretzels in one form or another since then????? DOZENS. And, when I’ve brought up what he did all I get in response is, “I never said that” and he’s also denied being an asshole about Pretzel-Gate 2019.

          Literally can’t win with this guy.

        • I made my ex a croquembouche one Christmas. He couldn’t find anything to pick at about it, especially since other people had seen it and raved. So he told me I ruined it for him because although he had always wanted one, he thought the best part would be watching me make it and I had ruined that for him by making it while he was gone for work and welcoming him home with it.

          He never watched me bake anything. He would’ve been playing video games anyways. But that’s all he could come up with. Such an asshole.

          • And the ???? are always being moved by these disordered freaks. We were expected to dance harder…

      • My dad had this habit of eating the first mouthful of dinner that was part of my mother’s meal rotation (my mother didn’t like cooking, but she did it and her food was quite good), kind of squinting and saying “this tastes different.” My mother would explain she’d change none of the ingredients.

        When I started cooking for my spouse, I realized how insulting it is to do that kind of thing.

      • Yes, 100% on the cooking for me as well! We married young and I was not an experienced cook, but I tried and it was never right. I spent so much time researching and trying recipes to please him. It was kibbles for him. Then he would use it as a way to devalue me. Sounds like a common thing.

    • Branson, Missouri.

      The one place on the planet I associate with milquetoast white Christians who hate any kind of friction. Especially sexual friction.

  • 1. She threatened to sue me when I wouldn’t allow her to take half of the contents of the house just after she’d just signed over all of the contents of the house to me in the Divorce Agreement.

    2. Just after our Divorce was finalised and the Decree Absolute was issued, she got upset that I refused to provide care for her (up to and including me wiping her ar*e) after an operation in hospital left her bedridden for a fortnight; my suggestion that this was now AP’s problem was – I was told – absolutely beyond the pale.

    3. She still (6 1/2 years out from D-Day and 5 years from the finalisation of the Divorce) gets upset that I do not make small talk when she comes to pick up/drop off the kids (AKA Hostage Exchange). Apparently I am a “bitter ars*hole who needs to get over himself.” Who knew, because I didn’t.

    LFTT

    • #1, OMG. My ex once texted me that he was going to “re-litigate our divorce” because he was pissed I got half his pension (that he unsuccessfully tried to hide). He did NOTHING during the divorce settlement, and let my lawyer draft everything. He got a lawyer at the eleventh hour, who said the agreement was fair. Such an idiot.

      • SC,

        You are right; they are idiots.

        Ex-Mrs LFTT ended up in a massive dispute with her legal team. She had misled them on a couple of issues (AKA told them a couple of barefaced lies) that they repeated to the Judge without checking them ….. which left them with serious egg on their faces when the truth emerged. She then compounded this by trying to argue that it was their fault she hadn’t understood the Divorce agreement when she had signed it and, therefore, that she wasn’t bound by it.

        I think that her legal team were as glad to see the back of her as I was!

        LFTT

      • OMG, these FW are so alike! Mine is constantly threatening to drag me to family court all over again to get full custody this time, though she agreed with 100% of the settlement my lawyer drafted: she is currently free from contributing a penny whatsoever to schooling or health of our 2 kids, she only have to shelter and feed them during the 2-3 days they’re with her each week. But she thought she was also entitled to spousal support, though she earns more than me (ludicrous, I know). I proposed these terms as a way to speed up the divorce (which she was stalling) and to keep my kids safe from her never-ending financial turmoil (during the affair she amassed a debt of the order of at least 40k US dollars that I have seen proof of). Also to dissuade her from seeking full custody. I feel like I bought her out for the safety of my kids (her AP at the time was a quite creepy POS), but with hindsight I think it was a good move, even though I am financially in dire straits for some time now. I feel that her lawyer too struggled to convince her to take what was being offered and not push for anything else (she told me he said the settlement was “fair”), and he looked seriously pissed off by her abhorrent behaviour in front of the judge. Since her lawyer did essentially nothing other than to show up in front of the judge and say yes, divorce was cheap for my XW. I am still paying my lawyer. I know it does not look like a good settlement for me, and have second thoughts at the evidence of her continual irresponsible spending, girls nights out, fancy resorts and whatnots with her new boyfriend (not AP, that blew away in her face), BUT… at least my kids are safe and have all they need. Sorry for the long rant, guys! Long time reader, but first time writing. Love you all, CN and CL truly saved my life and my kids childhood.

        • BC,

          My D-Day was 6 1/2 years ago and our divorce was finalised 4 1/2 years ago. I left the marriage £25K in debt and she took a 95% of the equity in our house and a lump of my pension pot too. I was in deep sh*t but … and it’s a big but ….. I was always playing the long game. I got what was important to me: a clean break and our kids stayed with me.

          Fast forward to now: I am doing very well at work (major promotion just after the divorce was finalised); I am out of debt and will be buying a house in the next year; the kids (then 11, 16 and 18 and now 18, 22 and 25) are safe (by their choice they’ve minimised contact with her) and; when she’s finished burning through the money she got in the settlement ….. well that won’t be my problem.

          Best of luck going forwards, put your kids first and play it long!

          LFTT

          • Dear LFTT,

            thanks for your kind reply!

            Congratulations on what looks like a very near Tuesday, kicking ass at your job and taking good care of your kids. It gives me hope to hear from your experience, thank you!

            Man, I imagine £25K in debt was hard to get rid off while taking care of childrearing expenses and childcare itself. I had to incur some debt myself in order to properly line my ducks and don’t expect to be debt free for the next 5 years, if my math is right.

            But also clean break here, she won’t touch my pension and the kids are with me more than half the week (she’s got the weekends but usually waives the Sunday). First DDay was July 2020, divorce was final last month.

            Still far away from Tuesday, as you sure can see, but playing it long and putting my kids first just like you said. Thank you for the encouragement!

    • It took me 4 months, $4k and taking a whole lot of BS to take my X back to court for a modified custody agreement so our HS Sr. 4.0 GPA kid could stay the whole school year and graduate here, which is 110% better than the tiny school my X made us split school years between for the past 5 years. The new agreement was finalized in May. I have custody, he pays me increased CS, I now hold the Health Insurance policy for the kid and X has to pay his 1/2.

      Of course I had to get Child Support Services to go after him to get the back CS he owed me, and to start paying the new support.

      Two weeks ago I get an email saying we need to talk about the kid’s insurance and I should just let X claim him as a dependent and then he can enroll the kid in a cheap ACA policy and it will all be great! (X just wants the tax benefits). Also, what’s with the college application stuff? We need to talk about that, schools, financial aid…..

      I was happy to respond with a polite Fuck Off – he ignored me for over a year when I tried to talk about the college process with him. So I did it all. X’s part is done, as usual far too late with far too little. All he needs to do is cough up the $ from the college savings account he has for the kid to fill in any financial aid gaps.

      And if he doesn’t like it, he can tell it to the Court. LOL.

      • Nothing I hate more than a member of Dude Nation yawning in your general direction when there is Important Bureaucratic MattersTM to discuss regarding children or property, then conjuring moral indignation after the matter is settled and they fucking feel like the word ought to stop and genuflect to the debris of their arrested development.

    • Another hospital story

      Sometime after ex left our house and was dating his coworker, apparently he had a heart attack or something. Good person that I was, I dropped everything and hurried to the ER to hand over the insurance cards that were in my name. They wouldn’t let me go back to see him because only the wife was allowed. I rolled my eyes and said, ‘Guess someone is lying because I am the wife.’ I was relieved and left.

      He had taken my niceness one step further and given my name and address as the responsible one for all the bills. You know how it is with a suspected heart attack — every specialist in the world stops in and bills $600. As each bill came in, I called billing offices to let them know the situation and gave the his address.

      I was somewhat surprised when he confronted me several months later and accused me of doing something that made the bills so high. He had gone from his mom’s to the Navy and then back to his mom’s and then married me. He had never responsibly paid bills before that.

    • Seven months after my divorce was finalized, the serial cheating ex found out the value of my house (that I was awarded in the divorce) had skyrocketed in value. Whereas the house he was awarded did not have a huge increase in value. He sent a long email to my lawyer saying that he wanted to renegotiate the settlement…. because he felt cheated. What an idiot.

      • Sanpoutofit,

        They absolutely hate it when things work out for you “after the event” don’t they? Ex-Mrs LFTT was absolutely spitting feathers when I got a major promotion at work just after our Decree Absolute was finalised.

        Best of all, because I got a “clean break” she knew that she wasn’t entitled to any of it ….. but that didn’t stop her telling all and sundry how unfair it all was and that I’d screwed her over.

        F*ck her noise; if she wanted to benefit from my hard work she should have put less time and effort into hooking up a twice divorced and alcoholic old boyfriend who makes a third of what I do. She traded down and she knows it. 🙂

        LFTT

        • ????

          I got several promotions within a few years after fw and I d’d. I am sure he knew it as my daughter in law didn’t get along well with him or whore so I am sure she bragged on me.

          Reality is my retirement plan did really well. However, having said that if we had been together he would have gambled my money away too, (what he didn’t spend on whores) just like he did his own. The only reason he didn’t gamble whores money away was she quit work soon after they married (before she was 40) and she never worked again. So she didn’t have any to gamble away.

  • FW was called The Great Dave (TGD), and our two kids and former BF two kids were his disciples in the Church of Dave. On Good Friday, TGD accidentally sent his disciples a text meant for Schmoopie HoWorker, professing his ????, emojis and all, so excited that he “slept” with her. It was his last church sermon.

    After, he actually got himself into a pretzel explaining how they only “slept” together and didn’t have sex as “she’s a good Catholic girl”.

  • 1. Fucked ho-worker in our bed the same day we had taken our annual holiday family photo

    2. Shortly after my late December D-Day, he told me (and some family members) that starting on December 1, he had decided we were already divorced (in his mind) so it “counted”…which means he wasn’t exactly cheating

    3. Said he should get credit for all of the years he didn’t cheat

    • Yup. The day we were taking our annual holiday photo, I got pressured into staying at work (from 7pm to 11 am the next day) extra because of limited staffing. I slept like 3 hours before the photo and did my best to look human (being the super mom/nurse who didnt need sleep).

      After Dday, he told me that he “knew” that I wasn’t at work and instead was fucking a coworker after my normal shift. No dude, I was actually caring for a critically ill baby in the ICU.

      He used this event to convince himself that we had “an understanding” about cheating being OK in our marriage. I did tell him “If you had sex with other women because you thought I was doing likewise, you have made a terrible mistake”

    • What is it with these divorced in their own mind types, SIRise? Mine said the same thing – even told his family members – some were down with it – sadly some agreed with it. The funny thing is he is a serial cheater who cheated at least 19 out of our 20 years together. To this day I am not sure that we were EVER married in his mind!

  • Open up our insurance acct on line one day we’ve had for over 35 years together. Another woman’s name is on there?!?
    I question him and he very nonchalantly says to me, well of course they need rental insurance, they share an apt together. ( that was my d-day)

    Driving to his retirement affair with our 3 adult kids. I pull a pack of mints from the car door and show him as he’s driving.
    He chuckles and makes a very loud car announcement. Hey look guys, mom thinks these tick tacks are another woman’s, hahaha! Like saying what could possibly be more absurd than that?!
    ( d day shows up soon after, he’s been living last 5 years with his minty breathed whore)

    • “Hey look guys, mom thinks these tick tacks are another woman’s, hahaha! Like saying what could possibly be more absurd than that?!”

      When he used his Blackberry to communicate with Susan, and he knew I was on to him, he held it up in the kitchen and said (in the same mocking voice) “You think I use this phone to talk to SUSAN!!!” Yea, fucker used it to talk to Susan

    • The XH changed the beneficiary’s name from my name to “person I’m married to when I die” or something like that. Changing the beneficiary generated an automatic email to our shared family email account. Well, I got the email and of course he denied making the change. He said it was always like that. He went so far with this lie that he didn’t change it, that he said he called up the insurance company and they backed up his story that he didn’t change it. Even gave me a name that I could ask for who would verify his story. I didn’t call, because he’s a lying liar who lies all the time. I saw the email! It said the beneficiary was changed on X date at X time!! More lying and gaslighting by The Disordered One! Life is so peaceful not living with that mind f*cker!

      • He was retiring from the military and reconfiguring our finances and had me sign away the (more expensive) Spousal Survival insurance through the military. The policy he got cost half as much because it was only good for 20 years. When the policy arrived, I ripped into it to see 1) if I was the beneficiary or Susan of Seattle 2) his HIV status. It was the only decent responsible thing he did that whole year. Little did I know that 7 years later, he would drop dead.

  • Him: “Take this ammo and hide it from me.”

    Me: (Brain-drained from caring for our beautiful 3 month old solo and exclusively breast feeding)
    :::worries. Hides ammo:::

    A phone call after brain recharge:

    Me: “You should bring me the guns. You can always buy more shells.”

    Him: :::screams at me::: :::never brings me the guns:::

  • Sad stories and scary stuff.

    I hope all the Chumps involved are away from or moving swiftly away from their abusers.

  • He started a journal in 2020 all about me that has only entries about how much this is my fault, how much he hates me, plus examples of my abuse and he created an INDEX at the back of it. In one entry, he alluded to keeping track of how many times I changed the empty paper towel roll in the kitchen versus how many times he did it and apparently he did it more often. That journal entry is indexed under: Microcontrols, Manipulation

    For the record, his crimes are sleeping with 24 prostitutes and stealing money from my parents

    • This is some fucked-up shit.

      The false equivalencies they concoct are so absurd but this one…theft and hookers = paper towel rolls.

      My Cheater said that his betrayals were equivalent to me using bleach to clean at the kids socks and underwear (he had forbade me to use bleach and told me I was “defiant at every turn” for doing so).

      • You can only be defiant if you are a child or an employee. I don’t know about you, but there were no ‘obey’ clauses in my marriage vows and I expected a true partnership. My ex FW always thought he was so superior. He did not realize that any control or deference he got from me was because I volunteered it. He got a rude awakening when I finally left his cheating a$$ and his opinions became irrelevant. The only control he ever had over me was because I loved him and wanted to make him happy and he lost all of that irrevocably after DDay. To this day he is still confused.

        • “The only control he ever had over me was because I loved him and wanted to make him happy and he lost all of that irrevocably after DDay.”

          That was the case with my fw. Once he left and I had just a few weeks to get back on my emotional feet, I do think it confounded and confused him that I didn’t jump at his every comment. In fact when I called him and told him he needed to file asap to get our finances separated, he said “I know you don’t have a reason to trust me, but if we use my (his) lawyer it will save us a lot of money” I said nope, then he told me my problem was I can’t think for myself. I said, you are right; so I hired a lawyer to do it for me.

          Then he said well I hope we can be friends, I said “no, I am particular about who my friends are”.

          After that he only called a couple times to try to tell me how the settlement will go. I just told him to have his lawyer call mine. Once he got pissed and said “If we don’t do it my way, I will sell everything” I said “knock yourself out big boy” and hung up.

          He called back a few minutes and apologized. He never called to threaten again.

    • Tonight I have read CL and just been like WTF. Thank god we got away from these fuckwits. This time of the year makes me nostalgic but glad I’m free. Latest for me is zero child support from ex as he quit his job not taking the mandated jab. (Aus) New year will reveal his plans but sure he is on a downward spiral.

    • Thanks all! There are several more stories that could have told that equally crazy but this was the most succinct.
      BTW, he can’t get over how “bitter” I am about all of this.

    • Wow, that is so messed up! When we were still married we found my gxh’s grandfather’s diaries after he died. Page after page of criticising everybody and hateful things about his wife (predeceased him) and daughter. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

      • ha!

        double flip and dismount from the pommel horse, holding the empty paper roll in one’s teeth. or 4 X 100m relay race using the empty paper roll as baton.

  • 1. He insisted on coming “home” from ho’s house for Christmas(“the kids want it”)and acted like it was a normal christmas( including trying to kiss me and hold my hand) then left before dessert because we were all so unhappy , texting “ I know when I’m not welcome”
    2. Gave my daughter a jar of olives( she hates olives) and a small gift card for Starbucks while spoiling her brother with expensive bed linens and a comforter ( because said daughter had expressed her disgust at his behavior).
    3. Took one of our cats without telling us leading to 3 days of searching fir kitty and daughter finally telling him we thought coyotes had killed him, when he then announced oh I took him.
    Asshole!!!!

  • In addition to being a cheater, my soon-to-be-ex-husband had a raging porn addiction that included playing various online hentai games. One of the games he was playing involves supernatural beings like succubi, demons, sorceresses, etc. On one of many D-Days I had with this man, I asked him what drew him to this game in particular and kept him paying for a subscription to it for 3 years, and he started talking wistfully about this purple, big-tittied hentai succubus character like it was his real-life lover! He got all misty-eyed and very tenderly said, “Being with her was like having an older female lover showing me the way and guiding me on how to be a better man.” I guess he never told his beloved purple, big-tittied hentai succubus lover about being registered for 15 dating apps, having 10 escort numbers in his phone contacts/countless Google maps searches for random addresses and bars with a reputation for being hookup spots in our city, or about carrying on EAs with two different women while being married to me. Definitely what a good man does! Ugh.

    • How the hell do people get so sick and weird like this??? I know that’s untangling the scheme of fuckedupdness but truly-what the hell? It’s like they fall into the depths of wicked evil disgusting-ness.

    • Mine too…his favorite was a game called “Second Life”. (There is a great documentary about this game on Netflix that follows two people who met there, had virtual affair and left their spouses, didn’t turn out well lol). Anyway, gamers can make an avatar of themselves or a creature and have virtual sex with other gamers this way. Apparently gamers can go to a virtual store and buy genitalia of their choice for their Avatar. I just boggles my mind how this all goes down. Soooo…you meet someone or begin a relationship, and go to a designated adult sex room in this game and whip our your virtual thingy and then what? Do you oooh and ahhh? Make sexy noises while moving your mouse around? I just don’t get it.

      • I was just thinking of this documentary a couple of weeks ago. I watched it when it first came out, before the last D-day. Good to know it’s on Netflix. Thanks! Yeah, it doesn’t turn out well for the couple who left their spouses. lol. “Life 2.0” is the name of the documentary if anyone is interested. 🙂

  • Took her on a Christmas Cruise – while we were still married. Process of getting divorced at that time…but yet no shame with these FWs.

    Idiot left the SD card in the camera – got to see all the vacations photos. Gag.

    Promptly stomped that sucker into the ground.

  • Made a nude video of himself for Schmoopie and “accidentally” loaded it to the family shared photo account. My son found it a few days after DDay. The attorney loves it.

    • That is so disgusting and sad for your son.

      My exfw was uploading masterbation videos……to completion…gag…in our basement right out in the open. I walked down and found him in the dark, bright light of his phone shining at his crotch as he wanked away. Barf

      I had given my attorney a huge file of all his gross sex stuff that I had discovered, and her poor new, very young assistant quit after having to make copies of it all. Family law is ugly.

      • Sorry, we were married to the same type. No one really wanted to see a 68 year old man dancing naked. My son went no contact after he told FW what he saw. FW said he was doing it because 32 years younger Schmoopie was turned on by that kind of stuff. ????

          • The truth is that these Schmoopies are in it for the money so they serve up the cake. They feel great about themselves and then are inclined to spend the money. I am sure it is not their “hot” bodies or their sparkly personalities that motivate these types. The FWs are much better off living with these types rather than honest, authentic real adults.

  • She paid her Twu Wuv’s delinquent tax bill— $28,000. I got a text from the bank asking if legit. She would yell at me for a $5 tea, but this guy gets a $28,000 tax paid off. Merry Christmas to him he’s a keeper.

  • Used our youngest child to schedule ‘play dates’ (his oldest and my youngest are same age and friends). She tactfully got me to run errands with our oldest. There’s no way they didn’t fuck while the kids were playing downstairs in our home

    • Klootzak has tried to get numbers of mothers of DS’s friends to organize “play dates.” I cannot help but notice he doesn’t try to get numbers from fathers or from mothers he finds less desirable. I have had my son come and give me the phone number saying the mom wanted me to have it. Klootzak creeps them out. Pretty sure. He’s so gross.

  • EXFW walked in the house and said, “Here, you left your lipstick in my car”. Not my lipstick. (Nice color, expensive brand, so I kept it.)

    Brought the dry cleaning in (rare event) and prominently hung a woman’s blouse on my side of the closet. Not my blouse and I don’t use dry cleaners, like ever, never.

    Found a woman’s workout shirt in my dirty laundry. Not my size or shirt.

    While unpacking my son’s bag from a visit with his dad to Trump Towers ????, found a woman’s black sweater. Not my or my son’s sweater.

    Proves that his skankawhoreus, now wifetress, is a scatterbrained cotton-headed-ninny-mugginz who can’t keep track of her personal possessions.
    And my ex FW is either very cruel, or one woman is the same as the next as he couldn’t distinguish and keep such glaring affair evidence out of our home. He’s a coward, so I tend to think it’s both, and his way of hurting me and rubbing his affair in my face.

    • Oh, and he put coal in my stocking after never putting anything in my stocking ever. Having our young son ask why I didn’t have any presents from Santa, he put on a sickening Grinchy grin and said I must have been bad.
      This, after 5 affairs that I had proof of, and he admitted. Ugh I was such a chump.

      I never said a word about the above things I listed, just took deep breaths and hid them away for solid evidence. I think it bugged him that he didn’t get me to blow-up or react. Gray rock then, NC now. It’s the magic weapon against a FW.

  • I don’t think I’m a winning horse, but here are three of mine:

    1) Continued to wear his wedding ring on a chain around his neck after he left “to honor our marriage”. ????

    2) A year after buying a new Toyota Tacoma, he suddenly needed a new Dodge Ram Laramie “for the tax credit”. With the darkest legal window tint available. He who had never tinted the windows on any vehicle in his life. Turns out he really needed a mobile motel room, which is why I call it the Dodge Ram hookup truck.
    (The strawberry flavored lube which I found in the secret compartment in the floor behind the drivers seat was “for us”). ????

    3) I ordered t-\shirts from a friend’s company which say Do Good Be Kind. The day they arrived in the mail, he came home as I was opening the box and he asked if I had gotten him one. I later found out he had been with the Craigslist Cockroach that same afternoon. ????

    • Oh, and the silicone cock ring in the driver door pocket was also for us.

      And that weird plastic thing in the rear seat pocket of the passenger seat? I actually did not know what it was but upon examination I had a hunch and Googled it. Bingo.

      A urine funnel so a woman can pee without splashing like a guy.

      You really do learn something new every day.

      • They use those in the military.

        I guess they would be useful if their meet up places were out in the woods or random parking lots.

        What is a cock ring used for? I am afraid to google it.

        • One use is To keep the dick erect when it is engorged. So my dday began when I found one and a half empty bottles of
          ‘Viagra’ in his truck when I was looking for the keys to my car (which he obviously had been driving her around in when I was traveling). He said he used them to beat off…..the rest is history

          • And sometimes the ring is hard to remove so an emergency room visit is required ! ER docs share stories… Light bulbs, Buzz Lightyear doll, etc. shoved up a guy’s rectum ➡️ surgery.

              • Yep, I always wondered about what they were. An ER visit would be humiliating I would think.

                My time was pre internet, (so I never saw the term cock ring), and pre Viagra days. Up until about three months before Dday, the ex and I were having regular sex and we didn’t use anything like that. But, we were both 40.

                Whore was likely just giving him better thrills than I was. I couldn’t provide strange.

          • I wonder how many male FW’s are found out by the Viagra bottle being discovered? This was just another discovery of mine eventually and of course it got turned around into “it being for us”… uh, no. We hadn’t had sex in years at that point. And the funny thing is that he paid for that using the HSA card that was tied to my insurance/job. Of course, I really was the one paying for Viagra for him to screw everyone else!!! Classic!!

            • Mine refused to use Viagra for me- said they gave him a headache – he would however, expect me to take him to climax and all I got was a limp noodle. However, he did have the pills in his drawer in the nightstand – I never noticed that he was refilling the prescription. On DDay when he left to rendezvous with his whore, he took them with him. Checked the insurance claims and he had been refilling for years. It did make me feel better to know that even his 18 year younger schmoopie could not get him up and running without pharmaceuticals.

              • The porn slobs always need pharmacological assistance, fried arousal synapses and all.

      • Velvet,
        1) Continued to wear his wedding ring on a chain around his neck after he left “to honor our marriage”. ????

        How noble of him!!

        • It is beyond bizarre.

          I said, “You could have honored our marriage by keeping your wedding vows.”

          Ultimately there is nowhere but up after divorcing a disordered wingnut.

          • Holy triangulation!! It seems like he was going out of his way to torment both you and the craigslist cockroach with that one. What a sorry excuse for a human…..

            • I have to hand it to you Velvet for not ripping it off of his cheating neck – I don’t think I would have had the self control not to…..

  • The last Christmas before the final D day I was so excited; I got a $26 coffee pot! He listened to what I like! Price doesn’t matter because it’s the thought that counts!

    Then I found out he paid for the Howorker “Not my girlfriend”’s divorce. He didn’t pay for our divorce! His parents did! That’s a whole other Friday challenge.

  • 1. He says “You’re not sexy even when you are trying to be.”

    2. I ask”Do you have a girlfriend?” He answers “I do and I don’t.” wtf

    3. We were shopping at Victoria’s Secret. I bought a bunch of new panties. Next day they were gone. He gave them away. To whom, I do not know.

  • 1. In early December, he said he needed until December 31st to think things through.

    2. December 31st, he texted that he wasn’t coming home that night. He needed a break.

    3. I sleuthed and texted back a photo of his newly mostly empty pack of little blue pills. Busted, you infantile lying coward.

    • Our story reminded me of my fw.

      He moved out the day after New Years day. He said he thought it was going to work out, but he needed to get away and get his head on straight. So, for a week or so, I was flying high on hopium (the word had not been coined yet).

      Then he came back and told me he had cheated for ten years, he never loved me; and the only thing he couldn’t come up with for his reason was I wasn’t a good enough house keeper.

      I guess fucking your direct report eases the pain of having to live with a woman who works full time, does all his volunteer work and all his laundry, and cooking and any cleaning that is done. But, hey you look aat that dust, missed that spot; take that.

  • He brought home a box full of butt plugs, jockstraps and erection pills he’d been using with my best gay friend and put them in MY closet.

  • Cheater Ex bought me an anniversary ring for Christmas….a couple weeks later, we separated because he was “unhappy & needed time alone”. Then RIC happened. I wore the ring on our 1st RIC date and he kept weirdly looking at the ring. I finally asked him what he was looking at? He exploded and said “who have you been screwing that bought you that ring!?”. I’m fairly certain now that he didn’t remember buying it because OW gave him the ring from him later bragging about her huge jewelry collection!!!

  • He hated it when I wore red, especially red pants (I love red). After he dumped me for Goldilox I put on my red clothes and went out on the town with my girlfriends, where I met the man I married and am still married to. He says “I don’t care what clothes you wear, it’s what’s under ’em that matters.”

  • A local restaurant rang to confirm a evening reservation for two just before Christmas three years ago, bit of a surprise considering back then and now I had a J.Jeg feeding tube so bit of a waste of time taking me out for a meal!!! Yet another difficult situation he got himself in considering I’d had the tube for 18mths prior to the booking. Also a bank statement showing earrings from a Pandora store on Valentines Day knowing I don’t have pierced ears!!!.

  • Many laughs when he called to say he was locked out the house by his current gf for cheating, except this time says he hadn’t been cheating.

    • “Cheater Says This Time He Wasn’t Cheating”

      Sounds like a headline from The Onion Or Weekend Update.

      He seriously called you?!

  • 1. I realized yesterday that most of my underwear is missing.

    2. Dilusional FW insists: “Maybe I got a computer virus!”

    3. Sad sausage FW tells me he has only been with hookers.

    Look, over there! It is the Christmas Karma Bus!! Being pulled by an array of hookers and porn stars!

    • Fuckwit; “Don’t worry. I only did it with a series of potentially HIV infected crack whores.”

      So was he was giving your underwear to hookers or wearing them himself?

      • I think he took them when he moved out 47 days ago. To sniff. Or masturbate on/with. Sell on eBay. Make a Spedie effigy to burn on the stake. Or poke with knives now that his secret sexual basement is known to others.

        Who knows??

  • I spent a lot of time and college-student money finding him the perfect tie (it had a pattern of a specific, niche thing that he loves) for him on eBay, back when eBay was new.
    I gave it to him for Christmas; he loved it.
    After D-Day, he told me, sincerely, that he found and bought that tie for himself.

  • Told our shocked kids about his sordid life in one of his ‘let me white wash my conscience’ events.
    He just spilled his escapades all over them and then felt greatly relieved.
    He had had a stroke a few months before, he kept checking his blood pressure, so they felt as if they couldn’t negative react,not even with a negative facial expression, or they would be responsible for his demise.
    He finished after hours by saying “ we good now?!” My daughter asked nervously, did they have any siblings.
    He laughed and smirked, “ well, there were a few close calls on that, but I don’t think so”. He called it all his “ ho days”.
    My kids went and sat on a park bench,minds blown, unable to even speak to one another for a very long time.

    • How depressing. The smirking and the blood pressure checks are so over the top. He sure did reveal himself to your kids. Hope they’re doing okay.

      My ex made a routine of using crises (often other people’s tragedies) to prevent me from reacting negatively. He dropped dday #1 the evening before leaving for a four-day camping trip with our friend who was dying of cancer. No coincidence there.

  • So many deranged cheaters. . . Here’s mine (focused on dumb shit AP has said:

    1) when my youngest finally met young homewrecker AP (5 years into their relationship-2 after divorce) she told my 12 year old: “I can’t stand kids, they’re so gross with those poopy diapers and all. . . I don’t know WHY anyone would ever have them!” Needless to say, my four kids despise her and refuse to be around her.

    2) when my middle daughter was being defiant and ran to dad’s studio apartment and met AP for the guest time there was only a bare mattress on the floor, no furniture (XH is a 7-figure earner and they’d been “living” there for nearly a year) AP said to my then 16-year old “we don’t have furniture because we aren’t materialistic, we just like to have FUN!” right, bitch! That’s why you wanted the life I built for 26 years and now (5 years after divorce) live in a $2M house looking over the lake (at my old house that was sold in the divorce) and drive a $75k new Mercedes…..

    3) the one time my youngest stayed at XH’s house, she woke in the night to find drunk AP under the kitchen table crying and slurring, “I never wanted this life. . . All my friends are getting married and buying their first home together and I’m with this old guy whose kids hate me…. Boo fucking hoo. My kid was 15 and had her world destroyed by this whore when my child was only 10. ????????????

  • He quit a 6 figure job to move 500 miles away to a house he bought sight unseen (with money he had to borrow from 1 of the kids) to start his own church.

  • When I asked him if he had cheated on me he deflected with his own accusation – That 10 years prior to this conversation a friend was in a hotel and “overheard” me talking to my mother in the room discussing that I would have an affair to make the X jealous. WTF??!! I actually burst out laughing when he make this remark exclaiming and glaring at me in righteous outrage.

  • OW claimed that she emitted bright blue lights from her lower abdomen during their first fuck, and that it was a sign God approved their relationship. She then claimed that she could pull the light out of her pocket and hold it in her hand like a jewel.

    • Chchchump i read this and laughed so hard I emitted what could have been a blue light if I’d struck a match. I love Chump Nation ????????????❤

      • TTYAC: when I first read the unbelievable email to FW where she wrote the above, that was my thought – “she’s KMart trash”

        She also compared FW and herself to Hindu God/Goddess pairs:
        “… Shakti ’embodies the active, feminine energy of one or several of the male gods. Vishnu’s Shakti is Lakshmi. Shiva’s is Parvati. Brahma’s is Brahmani. FW’s is OWhore. Indra’s is Indrani. Narisimha’s is Narisimhi”

        [barf]

        And these examples are far from the worst of what she wrote to him (and eventually, to ME!). FW, on the other hand, was sane enough to not respond – at least in writing – to her craziness. It wasn’t her thoughts he was interested in, after all.

  • 1. Gxh left his six figure job to be a lounge singer and character photography model. #pepelepew #karaokequeen
    https://fb.watch/9YqIqXu_18/

    2. one year he gave me an ugly piece of scratchy cotton fabric from Liberty’s of London “to make myself a scarf”, and a £5 Liberty’s voucher. We live in Australia.

    • (Do you care that his name is visible in the video ? And by default, maybe yours ? I don’t know how easy it is in Australia to search somebody’s personal info…)

        • Too bad all the Australians I know are on the other side of your country. Otherwise I’d send them to laugh, boo and pelt him with rotten eggs during his next “performance” ????????????

          • Cheers – CN always have each other’s backs! I’ve blocked him everywhere and am no contact but the video popped up in Facebook’s choice for my viewing enjoyment last night. The delusional self-image of these people is astonishing. He doesn’t need anyone else to make him look foolish ????????

            • Hi NewChump he could join my ex! He stopped being a doctor and became a guitar maker. Hello #blewupmyworld and #dontpaychildsupport ????????????

  • He took my red cookie tin, emptied it, made a rose with tin snips and solder. Gave it to her as a symbol of his undying love. I found what was left of my tin and it’s debris on his cluttered workbench after DDay.

    • He made her a rose out of your cookie tin.

      Is it any wonder that we all think they have had strokes or brain tumors?

    • Thrive, I couldn’t get this out of my head. I hope the incident is long enough in the past for you to laugh at now. To the tune of The Rose, sung by Bette Midler

      Some say red tin, it is for cookies
      Baked by Plan B every day.
      Some say red tin, it can buy nookie
      If rearranged a tasteful way.
      Some say red tin can be repurposed-
      Who wants those cookies anyway?
      He says red tin, it is a flower
      And schmoops gets the bouquet.

      It holds the goods wife’s always baking
      While she does the pick-me dance-
      While he dreams that he is making
      His way into schmoopie’s pants.
      Cookie tin he can be taking
      To make schmoops a special gift-
      For he knows, and he’s not lying,
      There’s no sex if schmoopie’s miffed.

      When the cheater feels all lonely
      And family life goes on too long,
      He needs a gift for schmoopie only
      (Twu lurv simply can’t be wrong).
      He remembers, in the kitchen,
      On the shelf, in sweet repose-
      Lies the tin that with his tinsnips
      In his shed becomes the rose.

  • Fuckwit took OW on vacation for Christmas. They drove there in my car. He locked himself out of the car at some point during their holiday and called me asking for my AAA number so he could get it unlocked.

  • Mine thought it would be a good idea to tell me –
    I guess to garner some sympathy for his plight???

    (He left our home, went to work and moved in with his co-worker that same night)

    That he didn’t have such a “soft landing” as everyone assumed…
    In fact! When he “rubbed her back at night it was a much larger area (then mine, I assume) and it was hard for him to get used to that!”
    What kind of jerk tells the wife that????
    Oh, my husband. THE JERK!
    Shaking my head with the memory of that conversation- but there were so many more. Ugh

  • Beautiful vintage glassware and crockery bequeathed to me by his late mum and nan.

    He wanted/demanded them back…. After all they were from HIS family and HE should have them.

    Following week OW selling them on Facebook market place (a friend of mine recognised them) along with a half bottle of ‘One Direction’ perfume (One Direction being the band not their decent into Hell ????).

  • He took me to Puerto Rico for our 13th wedding anniversary, then sat me down three weeks later and told me he didn’t want to be married anymore. And it absolutely had nothing to do with my former friend who he’d become intimate with. I was, at the time, unemployed, clinically depressed, and had a high school senior who was about to graduate (so no way was I uprooting him from his home of 12 years right before he went off to college). I had no money to go anywhere, anyway. Instead of moving out, FW decided to remodel our entire house in order to get it ready to put on the market and simply moved into the guest room.

    This was two weeks before COVID shut down the entire world, so I was trapped in that house with that SOB – who would spend OUR money to fly off once a month to visit his whore – until I secured gainful employment and sent my son off to college…seven months after D-Day.

    • JenX, you are SUPER mighty! Not only did you get through that and take care of your son, you managed not to murder FW in the meantime! That takes real strength.

  • FW was on a business trip in Singapore, had a ‘happy ending’ during his first ever massage from some really ancient Asian woman. She kept complimenting his dick as being so young, healthy and alive with his raging hard on, much to his delight. ( he was late 50’s).
    He told his AP on his return and she was flaming mad as hell, how dare he cheat ON HER!!! Lol!
    He was so proud of that, he shared it with me, the devoted schlep wife of 30 years.

    • Haha. He believed the sex-worker’s compliments. What an idiot!

      My x had a lap dance. He told me that the young woman said he was hot, AND HE BELIEVED HER!

      Just goes to show you can be smart in one area (in his case, medicine) and stupid in others.

      p.s. Why do they share this stuff with us?

  • We were seeing a psychiatrist I had set up after d day, who was helping us finalize how we would tell the kids we were divorcing. My ex H said to the psychiatrist, “Lawyers are so expensive. Would you consider handling the finances of the divorce to save Dude-ette money?” Bingo, I then knew he was hiding money (we live in a community property state, so he didn’t want me to get half the estate). I almost burst out laughing but pretended to give it serious consideration and said, “I wouldn’t hire an accountant to clean my teeth, so I think not”.

    While he was out of town, I went to his office in search of evidence and found a photo of Marilyn Monroe, signed by his AP. His AP was a work associate with bleached blonde hair and black eyebrows – but she was no Marilyn Monroe.

  • On the eighth day of Christmas the Shmoopie left for me
    Eight scabby claw marks (on FW’s back)…

    Classic side dish attempt to expedite divorce. He told me he got the scratches trimming the hedges. Through a parka. In winter.

    • “He told me he got the scratches trimming the hedges. Through a parka. In winter.”

      Im the broken kneecap Chump from above…”Lies About Injuries” may have to have its own post some day

    • My ex came home with scratches on his back , told me it was from getting under a machine at work. They were clearly fingernail scratches but I was still smoking the hopium pipe then.
      Also told me the emails addressed to him personally by hookers online were spam .

      • What is it with the clawing? Why not just Sharpie “I claim this land in the name of” on their bums and plant a flag up there?

  • The paper towel roll counter and “ DiscoTwat” have my vote. That’s some solid entries there!! ????
    Who knew narcissists have so many damn strokes, brain tumors, and reality breaks?! It’s epidemic! ????
    ( glad you are all making your way out of the chaos)
    There’s no way ppl in our actual lives can understand this level of a shit storm, so glad there is Chump Nation! ????

    • Ah yes… found plenty of phone and text activity during the time surrounding both my father and mother’s funerals.

      • Yep, father’s dying, death and funeral. I was dumped 6 weeks later. My Mum (with my Dad for 65 years) still struggles with the fact that he was being charming, entertaining us at the funeral lunch with tales of funny things that happened on our holidays. She will say ‘how could he sit there and do that’. How do you watch a man lowered into the ground knowing what you are doing to his precious daughter behind everyone’s back. I look forward to hearing that his parents are dead (although I’m no contact so doubt I will find out). Not one member of his family sent me even a text to say they were sorry for Dad’s death. My mother and I were criticised by the parents for failing to send them cards the first Christmas! Mum widowed, me bereaved and dumped after 26 years. I wasn’t feeling very Christmassy oddly. ???? ????

        • MightyWarrior, this is horrifying. Sociopath-level.

          Either way, it’s easy to see where he got his sense of entitlement.

  • I took our youngest to see my family and try to rest from having caretaker burn out syndrome as we had a terminally ill child I took care of for 20 years while he was in the military, going to school, and following his hobbies. I had moved across the world and left my family who had been helping me.
    While we were gone FW invited Jiffy Lube to our house and shared our bed with her while our deathly ill child was next door. Then they left her alone at home to get matching, very big, extensive tattoos. It’s an hourglass with sand and planets inside and to this day I wonder what it means. Our child passed about 6 months later and I still didn’t know I was a chump. We said good bye to her and FW never showed any compassion. I found out 6 month after the death of our daughter about OW and he told me these details. When I filed for divorce my attorney told me I should have ended him that day and she could have gotten me a no jail sentence.
    Some people have no morals. I hope they are happy now my daughter is no longer in their way.

    • Wow. Monsters really do walk among us. I’m terribly sorry for your loss and the horror of finding that out.
      You’re lawyer is right. If ever there was a case for justifiable homicide, that’s it.

    • A true sociopath.

      There is no way to express how sorry I am for you. We have lost a beloved child in our extended family and the only assurance I can give you is that your sadness will live with you but you can make a life with joy. It just takes time.

    • How awful. He deserves a special place in hell.

      I hope you and your other child or children have good counseling and are slowly starting to heal. Very sorry for your loss.

    • It’s horrifying that there are two people on this planet that would be ok with doing this. And then TELLING YOU the gory details.

      Love and strength to you and your family, Grieving Chump.

  • He proudly presented me with a child’s toy drone for Christmas, plus a re-gifted gift card from OW, which was for a store I don’t go to and didn’t live anywhere close to.
    Good times.

    • I forgot to mention that he picked and flicked his disgusting psoriasis scabs all over the house, where I’d find showers of them next to the couch, the bed and the kitchen table. He never once thought to sweep and ignored me when I repeatedly asked him to either sweep them up or stop picking them. He would pick and flick them right in front of me, yet didn’t understand why I wasn’t dying to have sex with him every minute of every day. ????

      • STBX is an Olympic contender in nose-picking. The actual boogers are easier to deal with than the picking itself – I’m certain that he’s convinced he’s going find China at the end of his left nostril.

        • FW thinks, while nose-mining in front of you; “Why isn’t ChumpMeGently hot to trot for me? I don’t understand. She must be frigid. Yeah, that’s it! That explains why I cheat!”

          My FW also farted often, including every time he peed, and he did it so loudly he would wake me up with a deafening blast of it every morning.

          Amazing that we didn’t cheat on them, really.

        • My ex was a neat nick, but he did do the competitive farting thing. And he was a chain smoker. I couldn’t believe the difference once I got his chair out of the house and the smoke smell went away.

      • Never brushed his teeth or flossed and refused to see the dentist. He wouldn’t manage his tonsil stones. Just. the. worst breath.

        He was constantly bewildered and in a rage that I didn’t want to make out all day. He would ask what he could do to make our sex life better.

        I would say “Go to the dentist. Brush your teeth. Do 50% of the chores.” which is SUCH a bitch cookie now that I type it. Doesn’t matter, because he never did it anyway. It was so much easier to just be sadz and say I’m frigid.

  • 1. Ho-workers shares calendar with dates her husband will be taking off work. But he is “just doing my job!”
    2. That selfie at a bar with [strange woman drinking a beer with blue eyeshadow] -“that is none of your business, you are invading my privacy” “I was working!”
    3. “You hate my job and don’t respect it!”- Hmmm… ho-workers for years, “work trips” aka fuck trips, I’m not sure why I can’t seem to “respect his job.”

  • I was driving us to our very first ‘date’ to attempt reconciliation, and he put a CD of his band’s most recent music in the player. The track he chose was a very beautiful, haunting duet, a ballad about love, loyalty, compassion and hope. The two singers were himself and the half-my-age violin-playing OW, also in the band.

  • At some point during the affair, he asked me if I could tell he was looking at my forehead instead of my eyes when talking.

    You see, he found it easier to lie to me if he didn’t have to look me in the eyes.

    So he was just doing research.

    p.s. I said I could tell..

  • In Ireland, he asked me to help him pick out some pottery for his mom.

    I remember asking him why he was so insistent on buying his mom a souvenir since he’d never done so on our previous trips.

    Guess what? It wasn’t for his mom.

    That little, lying weasel.

  • After discovery, my son in law went to office to speak to husband to see if he was going to seek treatment and reconciliation as he proclaimed. He (63)told him he was, SIL told howorker (33)what was said. She told SIL I want him to say that in front of me because he just told my Mom and my Uncle (WTF) the marriage was over, ex back peddled of course.

  • I’ve been reading CL for years, but this is my first contribution to the 12 Freaks of Christmas.
    (Why is that? Probably because it’s been almost 4 years now since I left the Lying Cheating Loser and I’m finally starting to see clearly.)
    Here goes:
    1. When we first started dating, I asked him about the names he had tattooed on his forearm – a woman’s (classic) name and a boy’s and girl’s name (popular 90s baby names). Since he purported to be single, never married, and childless, the lie he came up with was that the woman was his recent ex girlfriend, and the boy and girl were his beloved niece and nephew. And I BELIEVED him!
    2. A year or so into our relationship, knowing him to be a liar and a cheater, I was snooping through a bag in his apartment and discovered a performance evaluation from his workplace. It was awful. Literally every category was “Needs Improvement.” When confronted, he told me that was a fake performance evaluation they gave him as a joke. The stellar “real” one they supposedly presented him, he mysteriously didn’t have a copy of.
    3. I honestly can’t pick a third one, but here’s an update on how he’s doing: he’s a hobosexual without a home of his own, hopping from place to place depending on which Schmoopie du jour will take him in. He impregnated a schmoopie coworker twice (one abortion, one baby). He lives several hours away from his teenage kids (the “niece and nephew”) and rarely sees them. Oh, and he’s a deliveryguy, and manages to slip his “package” to dozens of women on his route. Barf.

  • Almost forgot the one that inspired my name. He made a lousy drawing of a pig and wrote my name on it. You know, so everybody would know it was me. I found it after he moved out. Laughed my ass off over it.

  • One Sunday while I was returning home from a run with friends he sent me a video of himself dancing in my basement in a thong to a song called “Ready For Love”. Cringe-y and goofy, but that is his style.

    D-day was about a week later. I was increasing data on our cell plan and was looking at the text log (completely unsuspecting, just being nosy) and found a number he texted and called frequently, while he was at work. People finder gave me her name. I kicked him out on the spot.

    I checked the log for when he sent me the thong dance video – the text log had the date and time with my phone # and that it was a video. Sure enough, per the log he sent it to her first and then to me.

    Later when I told him I knew that, he said “she wanted to know if I could dance”.

    I still have that video saved, just in case.

  • Last Christmas, after I kicked him out, he still had a few things left in the garage to take, including a riding mower. I was gone while he took everything.

    I was working from home so I didn’t look in the garage for a couple of days. When I did, I found the tractor and a crapload of gifts. Including 12 pieces of Le Creuset cookware. 12! (Think of the VP and the shock she caused over 1 piece!) He was a cheapskate so the fact that he spent that much money was shocking.

    I emailed him to take everything away. I will buy my own damn cookware, and in the color I want.

  • (Something to consider as I present mine, I was in a heterosexual marriage, wife had an affair with a woman and has no history known to anyone of bi-sexual or same sex attraction.And the other woman was married heterosexually for 20 years to her high school sweetheart).

    On the first day of d-day my fuckwit gave to me:

    One time having sex with her girlfriend while my kids were in the same room while we were married and I was out of town.

    Two times she fucked her girlfriend in my bed while I was away and she was caring for the kids.

    She called after she left and wanted the puzzle she had done with the girlfriend one of the weekends I was away. I told her I don’t have it any more. (I burned it).

    When she went ape shit when I told her after she signed the quit claim to the house that she wasn’t welcome in my home any more.

    • When I rang FW up to ask him to bring home some coriander for a Christmas Eve dinner with friends, he said he’d had a midday panic attack, gone and got drunk, told a senior colleague to fuck off in the middle of a board meeting, and then run away from London to Bradford with the company credit card. He stayed away for 9 days.

      Impressively detailed lies – especially considering he was five minutes down the road looking after his secret newborn. Utter fucknuts, the pair of them. Poor baby.

  • He went to an event called MIPIM. Boring real estate lawyers and surveyors held in Cannes. He went to the ‘lite’ version held in November because he wasn’t important enough to go to the real deal in the Spring. When I got home from work after he had arrived back, I saw he had a huge black eye. I asked ‘what happened’ in a caring sort of way. ‘A surveyor hit me in the face with a door’, he said. I didn’t believe it then and I certainly don’t believe it now. The door bit. I do believe the surveyor hitting him in the face bit. There was a pattern. When he was in a northern town in the UK close to his home, with exgf, then gf, now exgfOW, a man came over to him and punched him in the face. He was telling me the story close to the start of our relationship. ???? alert. I asked why, innocently. He said ‘I don’t know’. 2 years out, he’s clearly someone who others want to punch in the face, with fists, with doors, with whatever, for NO REASON. I empathise with those people!

    • Yeah, MIPIM pisses me off. The two “law partners” traveled to the south of France every year for a lovely vacation with the firm picking up the tab.
      Grrr.

      • Rebecca, whilst it’s all a bit sad, I feel comfort from the fact that I am not the only MIPIM chump! The way he talked about that event, his rage when he didn’t get invited and the smugness when he did! I thought it was time for the annual announcement of the second coming ???? Meanwhile I’m just being chief executive of a high profile organisation. Nothing worthy of note there. Lawyers and surveyors – MIPIM is a shag fest involving the personality-deficient.

  • After having his AP mess with me on Facebook with several different posts that I thought maybe were coincidental… I passed her in a school zone one day. I knew she saw me. Late that day she put on her Facebook “while looking for Christmas music, she ran across this oldie but great song.” It was all about sex in the summer. ( Every good Christian woman puts up that kind of song at Christmas time.)
    Husband kept denying affair.
    Ran into her at Chick-fil-A and she stopped to touch his arm.
    Did you know you can get arrested for pouring a large iced tea over someone’s head.
    The cop thought it was the funniest thing ever.

    I have no regrets.

  • I was 6 months pregnant. He bought a vacuum that cost 2x our rent from one OW who was in door to door sales because “it will be good for the baby to have cleaner floors”.
    Then he asked me if there was anything else in the 10-15 dollar range, like a 3pk of onesies, he could buy to help me get ready for it.
    He also delivered a baby gift to me from one of his other OW.

  • 1. Five years ago, he came home from his mid-deployment leave and spent 2 of his 10 days to “visit his brother,” instead of spending time with me and his FOUR very young children. This seemed very mean and I was upset. Now I know that it was much meaner – he was actually visiting Twu Wuv, with whom he had been sexting throughout deployment.
    2. Three months after returning from deployment, he randomly insisted on going to a funeral for a parent of one of his HS friends who he had not seen in 20 years. Super-weird, I thought. I now know that he went to have sex with her before she birthed her 3d baby (with her husband), cause he just didn’t want to wait during those postpartum months. So, they had sex 5 DAYS before her due date with her husband’s baby. Puke.
    3. He put a trophy in our bedroom on his night stand that said “Most Excellent Person.” I am not joking. Now I know that Schmoopie actually sent that to him; we had it in OUR bedroom for YEARS. Puke.

  • Right around Christmas 2 years ago he brought home a brand new set of pink and blue towels. “They were on sale”. We didn’t need towels, much less pink or blue towels. I put them with some old towels and never used them.

    9 months later, after D-day, I asked if he got anything for her for Christmas – yes, a Yeti-type cup that he gave to many people, including me and my kids, and maybe something else that he “didn’t remember”.

    Did she get him anything? Some towels. Ahhhh, that’s where those towels came from.

    (Why did he even bring them home? He owned a furnished house that he wasn’t renting to anyone).

    • ‘Cause it’s fun to think about his side piece’s gift in his wife’s linen closet. Extra titillating. Titties.

      • OW gave Cheater tea that he stored in our kitchen. I had suspicions that there was something going on and I hated the tea being there. (Old story here but….) On Dday, I dumped the tea on the toilet and pooped on it.

    • ????‍♀️ Same here. I realized long after the fact, that his AP employee had gifted him Christmas gifts that he brought home. He claimed one year to have a gift from the owner of a job shop he used. Another year he supposedly was gifted an iPod from a defense contractor. Righhhhhhht. I’m sure she really felt she marked her territory when he arrived home from a (supposedly solo) week long bike ride along the coast wearing a t-shirt from a pizza parlor she worked at in high school. He claimed they were giving them away. Now this solo ride took place a few weeks after the ilybinilwy speech, and while I never sought confirmation, I guarantee she was on that ride too.

  • x got me (wife, mother of kids) a gold heart necklace when he traveled overseas for work. Turned out ho-worker (unmarried) had one too (cyber stalked in pick-me-dance days).

    • ????‍♀️

      Before Christmas, I found a ‘double charge’ on the VISA…2 identical amounts at the same store. I mentioned it to him and he told me not to worry about it…that it was legit. I’m guessing she got the identical hideous purse that I got. ????

      After D-Day, during one of the 5 times I took him back over several months (????‍♀️…to be fair, my mind was blown and he seemed so sincere when he came sobbing and begging me to take him back…????) When he was about to leave again, he would supply me with what he called a ‘Fun Fact’ about the Cunt Canoe…she has no sense of smell! Isn’t that interesting?? ???? She doesn’t believe a woman of her age should have to perform oral sex! Isn’t she amazing?? ???? She has never had a Brazilian wax! Crazy eh?? ???? Also said that if I had met her under different circumstances (i.e. if she hadn’t been fucking my husband) that we would probably be best friends! She’s just that awesome! ????

      Me: She’s a registered clinical counselor who introduces herself as a marriage counselor and she fucks married men…that is the definition of a cunt in my world. ????

      The first Christmas after he moved in with her, he sent me a Christmas card with a lovely handwritten note urging me to ‘make the best of the holiday season.’ (I kicked you to the curb after 32 years, but buck up little camper! ????) He included a Starbucks gift card. ???? It actually made me laugh out loud… I was a lying, cheating, hypocritical piece of shit, but enjoy the holidays and have a Starbucks beverage on me! ????

    • I was given a large white purse for Valentine’s Day one year. I only use small purses, mostly brown, beige, or black, so it was really weird. I found out later he had also bought one for AP.

      I never used mine and had kept it in a dust bag in the closet. Sold it on Ebay and used the money to consult an attorney.

      • Jeez! That must have been an expensive purse! Lol.

        Too funny…I call my exFW ‘Mr. Wonderful’ too. He really was the perfect husband for the 32 years we were married….charming, funny, thoughtful…I always told my girls that they needed to find someone just like their dad. Well…perfect aside from the whole lying, cheating, hypocritical piece of shit part. ???? If you had asked me even the day before I found out, I would have bet my kids’ loves that he would NEVER do what he did. Chump Lady and this blog and all of you have helped me SO much. ❤️

        • It paid for a consultation, not a retainer! LOL I only wish!

          The Mr. Wonderful moniker was bestowed on FW by a family member who uses it sarcastically. FW’s mother and grandmother spoiled him rotten as a kid and always said he was perfect and could do no wrong. FW actually believes he is perfect at everything, too. A few close friends and I use the name tongue-in-cheek.

  • I looked stunning and elegant for a Christmas party and when prompted …. Dont I look nice? the ex said “you don’t look nearly as bad as last week. I’m a pretty woman folks. And a professor. The AP was a Zumba instructor who wore a sweatshirt with Christmas bulbs over each breast with a blinking led light at the nipple.

    • “The AP was a Zumba instructor who wore a sweatshirt with Christmas bulbs over each breast with a blinking led light at the nipple.”

      ????She must have been afraid fuckwit might get lost.

  • Ex got a hotel room FOR THE DAY, 30 minutes from our house, because he’d been to the dentist and his teeth hurt. He said he needed a rest and our house was too noisy. Umm, no one was home that day. Turns out a $500 hooker met him at the hotel to…. help him rest his teeth? You can’t make this shit up. Oh, and he was constantly telling me I spend too much money.

  • When we were in the midst of divorce and her of course realizing the money train was over. I asked her if she really thought she should be entitled to my inheritance from my deceased grandfather whom she had spent maybe a total of 3 hours in his presence over 14 years of marriage. Her response ” Well he liked me better”

    • Did you have to give her half.

      In our state the spouse in entitled to half the inheritance unless there is a prenup in place to prevent it. Or unless the benefactor placed it into a trust that excludes the spouse.

      • Yes, that’s the law here too and unfortunately I just put it in the joint account. It wasn’t that much, it was just the principle of it. That they feel entitled to not only screw you over, but your dead relatives as well. They truly have no morals.

        • Yep, by the time they do all the crap they do, their conscience is seared beyond hope for most of them.

          I recently got an inheritance from my brother and his wife. I have been married to my second husband for many years now. He has been so generous and kind to me that I went ahead and put it in our joint account. He has earned it. We each have some money set aside for our kids, so that is not at issue. Plus we gave my son some of my inheritance to cover his share.

          Had I been with my first H, he likely would have conned me out of it to buy himself a bigger boat.

          My ex recently died and left his whore in serious debt for a big ass RV he bought. She has no way to pay it off. I assume she will just file BR again if the RV folks go after her. Likely they just cut their losses and repo’d it. There is nothing to go after. She is living on a small SS check and they put their run down trailer in her sons name so it couldn’t be taken from her. My son said she is getting a small pension from his job, but it is not much. He dropped it to the least he could get away with, and he dropped all his insurance so he would have more while he was alive.

          I only know because my son told me. My son and his wife will have nothing to do with her since his dad is gone. She should have thought of that before she treated them like shit.

          • It is correct that your son owes that cunt nothing. After all, she helped his father abuse you. Same would be true if it were another woman.

            • Oh I agree.

              He did help her after his dad died in getting the information she needed to collect some VA money that paid for his cremation. He got her a list of all the contacts/numbers she would need to settle her affairs. He did that for his dad.

              Once he got all that in order he got on a plane for home, and that was it. She has her own sons and they can take it from there. It is her problem that both her sons are awful users. Wonder where they got that?

  • Christmas Eve D Day, yet I was bravely still trying to make it a fun holiday for my three young kids: singing carols, unwrapping gifts, playing games. Meanwhile cheater was totally disengaged, silently riveted to the TV by a documentary on pro wrestler ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin. Oh the irony…. and such a great rhythmic phrase to work with.

    ???? Stoooone Cold Steve Austin ????

    ????…. and a Stone Cold Steve Austin document’ry! ????

    (It was 6 years ago, so I can laugh about it now.)

  • 1. STBX came home one Saturday morning after staying out the whole night before and told me he was leaving me for another woman.

    2. He demanded we go to the court house that Monday together and file for an uncontested divorce that would be finalized in 90 days. No mediation. No attorneys. We have 7 kids under 18. I had been a SAHM for 20 years. He’s a doctor.

    3. Shortly after I said, I am retaining an attorney, he notified me that the other woman dumped him after he finally told her about me and the kids. He never told her the whole time they were dating, going on trips together, getting engaged, and looking for houses that he was married and had 7 kids under 18.

    • Oh. My. God.

      Mind you, the thing about him not telling her before could be a lie to save face after being dumped. If she really dumped him for his general suckiness he’d not want to admit that, so he’d likely concoct and ego-sparing lie, with the bonus that he could, in his delusional mind, blame you and the kids for it just because you exist.
      Or it could be he actually dumped her upon learning that you weren’t going to accept his crazy uncontested divorce, so he was going to be hauled into court and have to pay child support for 7 children, all minors. The timing is awfully suspicious. He wouldn’t be the first to change his mind about being with his alleged twu wuv when he got a reality check regarding consequences.

      My fw actually did the math about leaving versus staying and concluded that he couldn’t really afford to leave and keep up his party lifestyle, spending close to a grand a month on dates with schmoopie, booze, and nights out with his buddies. Naturally I was the subject of vicious emotional abuse because of his self-created dilemma.

      Anyway I think a guy who secretly gets engaged and shops for houses while married and a father of 7 should be the winner of freak of the year. Absolutely insane.
      The cartoon of the them looking at a house together (her sporting a huge, vulgar diamond ring on her hand) juxtaposed with a picture of you and your 7 kids, practically draws itself.

      • ???? “ We have 7 kids under 18. I had been a SAHM for 20 years. He’s a doctor.”

        OFFS… I’m with you. Oh my God.

        Interestingly, one reason Cheater told me he wanted to leave me is that I had 3 kids instead of 7.

  • Months before telling me he wanted a divorce, FW comes home from work all flustered on time for dinner with me and the kiddos (for once). Turns out he had a raging erection. He’d just picked up a new Viagra prescription and told me he had taken one in the car in front of our house “to make sure they worked” because he “didn’t want me to be disappointed” WTF ?????!

    • The thing is, I wondered at the time why he’d even told me that crazy story. He wasn’t that well endowed, so I hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary and he could have just waited it out ????‍♀️

  • A reminder to look at Tracy’s Twitter page. I scrolled through it last night and found two nuggets. Her re-post of Monica Lewinsky being called a blowjob cicada. And a letter from a French male chump about his being chumped, published in Le Monde newspaper no less. He referenced Chumplady. Thankfully more French understand English these days than when I lived in Paris. Here’s to changing the narrative.

  • 1) Klootzak and SIL like to say they are the “blood” (insert last name) and I am not because I got my surname through marriage. He likes erotica about incest. They are from Kentucky.

    2) I found an entire big box of individually wrapped presents for one AP and her kids – toys and jewelry he had brought back from Europe. Some of the jewelry was for the young teen daughter. I suspect he was grooming her.

    3) My first D-day, I found all these emails where the AP kept referring to “(their) 3 stars” and he acted like she was a fascinating astronomer. It was Orion’s belt, one of the most recognizable star patterns in the sky. But her recognition of Orion’s belt made her endlessly fascinating.

  • Just thought of another to submit in lieu of one of my other three:

    4. He took OW on a “date” to Midnight Mass at our hometown Catholic church prior to our legal separation even!

  • I pieced this together years later after comparing stories with my ex’s friends (who are now my friends exclusively).

    My ex had told some of these friends that we’d broken up and the OW was his new girlfriend. He must have forgotten to tell me about our breakup.

    Then his dad died, and he didn’t let any of his friends know until months after the fact. He didn’t want them coming to the funeral and seeing me there with him – it would have blown his story.

    He hid his father’s death from his closest friends to keep from being caught cheating!

  • I’m in Australia. My ex husband would always have to have the latest iPhone. He kept insisting I needed a new phone all the way from America. But Why? So instead, our daughter could find his messages on the iCloud to his latest escort, on her iPod, not me!

  • He bought Christmas gifts for his mistress’ daughters using our family Amazon account. I cancelled the gifts, thinking our account had been hacked. He re-ordered the gifts saying they were Secret Santa gifts for children on his track team.

  • 1. In early Dec, noticed bunch of window screens all stacked up/blocking the door to our basement storage closet. Moved everything and opened the door when he wasn’t home. Found a trove of hidden xmas gifts stashed in bags for AP….

    2. Noticed something odd. There were Doubles Of Everything. Ugg socks, camo overalls, pj’s, a cheap Kate Spade “Love” necklace, lotion. And on and on…x 2.

    3. He mailed AP her half of the gifts, which she shamelessly paraded around on Instagram a few days later. Mine were wrapped and put under our xmas tree, for my kids to watch me open.

    I took a pic of the doubles to mail her one day as a wedding gift, in the event they ever get married.

    Can’t make this shit up.

  • Fuckwit made a video for his Craigslist schmoopie of himself pitifully strumming “Love Me Tender” on our son’s tin can banjo. The video is focused on his hands (and gut), so he’s headless until the end when he pans up to say “I love you”, blow a kiss, and then quickly glance to see if I saw him.

    • This one is a winner.
      I was able to visualize the entire performance with your fabulous description.
      It is pitifully hilarious – him strumming a tin can banjo!
      We are all lucky to be free of these imbeciles.

      • This reminded me of something I had forgotten about!
        I knew the weasel was texting his office girl outside on our back deck, (or reading her insipid “tweets”.)
        What he didn’t know, was I could look out the second story window, and see him clearly. All intense…. And every few seconds he’d look up and lean over to see if I was coming toward the back door from our kitchen. Then he’d quickly be immersed in his texting again.
        Once, furious, I ran stealth like down the stairs – like a ninja, And burst out the back door – he switched over to his game of choice “Angry Birds” and looked at me so innocently.
        The rat bastard. Never did catch him, but I could see plenty from my perch at that window. I really came to hate him.

        • Klootzak’s got a variety of ploys he has used to get out of the house to hook up. His favorite for a long time was to say he was going to Home Depot. He announced he was going. The main floor of our house is actually a flight of steps up. I remembered something I wanted him to pick up while he was out. I went to the window to look toward the garage to see if he had left yet. Well, he had started backing out of the driveway but had stopped the car right below the window I was looking out (probably to get wifi signal from the house). I looked down and he was on his phone texting to someone that he was on his way. That was when it sunk in that he wasn’t going to Home Depot.

  • I found a photo of the pregnancy test she sent to the FW. She told me she thought I’d gotten her pregnant….we hadn’t slept together for 6 months at that point. She performed an absolute gaslighting master-class on my ruined mind that day and gave zero fucks while doing it.

    • I went through a similar situation, convinced of something impossible by FW. The mind f*ck it did on me was so damaging, it’s hard to put into words–it was almost physical, like having a concussion. I’m going to guess your situation came after months/years of daily, endless gaslighting by your FW, too? All that gaslighting took me so far away from my inner voice. But it’s coming back gradually.

  • After Chernobyl was telling me he was abandoning me and the kids for the ho worker. He said while crying: We could cuddle and get drunk together. I could leave in the morning.
    He really expected me to console him for dumping his wife and kids.

  • Found an “adult entertainment” catalog delivered to my mailbox with ho-workers name and my home address. The mail carrier even wrote a big question mark on it with a pen ????????‍♀️

  • I was happily engaged when I was contacted by the OW. She found out there was 9 other fiancés and a wife. He kept the wife and one fiancé who knew not only about the wife, but also knew about the 8 other former fiancées.

  • My cheater withdrew $400 from my bank account and told me he was borrowing it from me to get me a nice surprise for Christmas. When I got no present for Christmas, he told me a guy he trusted to obtain my gift ran off with the money. I found out later that he used that money on a hooker. (Obviously, he also never paid me back.)

  • Sorry for the late entry, long-time lurker, first-time poster.

    Married 22 years with two kids, my “best friend” husband told me he was joining a volunteer group to help the community during a natural disaster, and seemed to become obsessed with the group over a few weeks (actually just one woman in the group, 20 years younger than him, who was in an 11-year same-sex relationship with her own chump, but who felt entitled to secret male companionship because she is bi.)

    D-Day came while our family was evacuated from this natural disaster, because he couldn’t resist a chance to see OW and introduce her and her partner to our family as his close friends from the volunteer group. I could see from his and OW’s sappy faces that something was going on and confronted him; he admitted it, and I was completely devastated and in shock, on top of the trauma of being evacuated.

    His response was to tell me he didn’t do anything wrong, because he thought I had been hinting that I knew and was happy for him, that he did it because he deserved fun and nothing about being in a natural disaster was fun, and coldly informed me that since I “took that away from him,” our romantic relationship was over, but that we were still going to stay married and be roommates and friends, for the kids, and he hoped I would “get over it fast” so that we could go out to a casino that weekend, for even more fun.

    [This wasn’t just a disaster reaction talking; the affair started weeks before our home was affected, and continued for weeks after we got the all-clear (may still be going on for all I know). The disaster ended months ago, we’ve both had lots of therapy, and he still insists that his alleged belief that I knew and approved of his affair means that he didn’t do anything wrong. He claims he had no responsibility to check whether that belief was true, because I *should have* been happy for him if I really loved him and understood the “real” him, and that he sincerely thought I would also be happy at having our romantic relationship end, because then I “wouldn’t feel jealous anymore.”

    But now he would like to take all of that ending-our-relationship stuff back and have everything go back to how it was, pretty please, best friend soulmate, and hurry it up because he’s already “over it.”]

    • DisasterChump There are no depths so low that cheaters can’t sink to them. I hope you got a good lawyer and filed.

    • Glad you posted DisasterChump! From your tone, I’m guessing you see the entitlement and arrogance of this fw, and I do hope he’s learning about consequences right now. It took me so long, after 23 years married, to accept that ex was deliberately lying and deceiving me. Looks like you have a good handle on this – there’s no going back, and I think he’s vastly underestimating you. Keep yourself and kids safe and don’t allow him back in your life!

      • I really did think that he was having some kind of psychotic break with delusions, right up until my therapist said that it seemed to her that most likely he did not believe the things he was saying, and that he was deliberately lying. Once she suggested that, I was like…wait a minute! That WOULD explain everything! And it just clicked.

    • You know who and what he is.
      “When they show you who they are believe them the first time.” That’s really good advice.

      In 10 years this sorry chapter will be way over and you will have moved on with your life and a beautiful and positive way minus the cheating soulless user abuser fraud who doesn’t give a fuck about you or your children.

      Get your ducks lined up., Don’t let him know a thing. And move on with your beautiful life.

    • “he still insists that his alleged belief that I knew and approved of his affair means that he didn’t do anything wrong …

      But now he would like to take all of that ending-our-relationship stuff back and have everything go back to how it was, pretty please, best friend soulmate…”

      I read the first part and just rolled my yes and thought, ‘Word salad. Just wait until he Hoovers or has a motive to say/believe something else.’ And then I read the final paragraph. The playbook…

      That is a horrible, horrible story. So many layers of trauma and devastation. I hope you have a safe place to live now, and I hope you’re past the point of even considering going back.

      • I’ve only been able to really think straight for a few weeks since the antidepressants kicked in. Working on lining up the ducks now. If I hadn’t found this site, I’m sure I’d still be researching brain tumors and strokes, like a lot of other chumps. It’s just so bizarre to watch someone you’ve known your whole adult life suddenly turn into a strange and sullen teenager, who hates you for being mean mommy and not letting him play with his friends. We went through all the events of the late nineties until now, even 9/11, together. But that guy is gone, I just have another teenager now, but one way bigger than me and who controls the finances.

        And when I read the RIC stuff about the fake medical condition of “midlife crisis” and how you’re “supposed to” respond to it, I’m like…this is just describing a narcissist whose mask has come off and who is doing narcissistic abuse. It’s a manual for allowing yourself to be abused! The RIC industry should be sued in a class action suit by everyone who took their advice and lived through years of abuse.

        • Bravo!! You will feel sooo much better without that black hole hovering around you. Good for you DisasterChump!

        • Well done DisasterChump, you’re on the right path. I also researched psychotic break, “midlife crisis” and ADHD before finding CN and figuring out the my FW’s symptoms were all pointing to “entitled asshole”. Good luck and Godspeed!

        • How long has he controled the finances? That is a pretty clear sign of an abusive relationship, and it doesn’t just happen overnight. So good you’re lining up your ducks. Be careful around this man, and do your very best not to engage in any conversation (it is futile, no matter how angry or hurt or upset you are) or be alone with him. He sounds unstable, and narcissists are predictably nasty at the end.

          Many of us here learned that dday1 was just the tip of the iceberg. It’s about character, and good people don’t just one day turn into cheaters. I wasn’t okay with many aspects of my relationship for many years before I knew my ex was cheating, but I spackled and stayed – or left but let myself get Hoovered back. When I got away, I could see that the ups and downs of my entire relationship fit the cycle of abuse to a tee. I was my ex’s best friend, but he never truly cared about me. Otherwise, he would never, ever have done what he did. The cruelty and lack of accountability at the end is very telling, as well. Nothing to work with.

          • When we were first together, we both worked and had a household budget that we both agreed on, but then when he started to make a lot more than me, that sort of faded away and he became the decider. Then after I survived cancer, he encouraged me to be a SAHM and focus on activism for causes I care about, because we could live just fine on his salary alone. Now I haven’t worked in 10 years, and I can’t physically do the job I used to do.

            I know exactly what you mean about the hoovering. If I hadn’t found this site, then I would totally have fallen for the way he’s acting now, like nothing happened. I would have wanted to believe, so much, that what happened was some weird mental breakdown, not choices he deliberately made. I’m so thankful to hear other people’s stories and realize this isn’t some unique insanity, this is a pattern, and everything that happened to me happens to others. I’ve read conversations on here that we have had, almost word for word. Knowing what it is has helped me put down the skein.

  • On Father’s day morning (during lockdown wreckonciliation after the two first Ddays), FW texted me about how good a father and spouse I am and how our family was important to her, only to spend same Father’s day’s night in a booze-soaked fuckfest (in our family home!) with the oh so sad OM (allegedly sterile – turned out he was not, ask me how I know). She was caught red-handed, shit-faced, talking slurry no-sense over an 11pm videocall from our then 8yo son who she promised to call that day but didn’t. We were working cities apart (she in a hospital) as I was taking care of my elderly parents, my autistic adult brother and the kids (also autistic), but OM haz a sadz.

    • There just has to be a special place in Hell for her – what an awful excuse for a wife, mother and human being for that matter.

  • He tricked me into moving “ahead” to a new city 7 hours away.

    Then instead of following me as we had planned he took a very long, very expensive luxury vacation in India. Come Christmas his mother called me and mentioned our breakup. Oops. “. . . You didn’t know?”

    • I Survived, I feel you. My first dday was years before I learned about cheating, and I learned that things were over (I wish!) in an email from his mom: “B&R, I’m so sorry that it’s come to this and I love you both, and you’ve been a part of our family for years. I always thought it would work out, but FW needs to do what he needs to do.” It was shocking and maddening. I’d left everything at FW’s behest, and his MOM wrote to tell me he needed time and space. A family of entitled, cowardly FWs. If I had a time machine…

      When I got this email, I was taking care of ex’s mother’s house and pets while she was in the hospital and rehab. For months. Poor sad sausage was constantly sobbing and couldn’t handle his worry for his mom. I felt sorry for him. Worried about her. That spring, I’d left my job and home, after letting ex convince me to come stay with him for the summer (anything but his mom’s house, I’d said – though I’d let him know that I wasn’t comfortable leaving everything behind without having a place to land first). Ex was working away from home as a park ranger, “getting sober” and taking “time and space” to heal (gallivant and fuck one of the college interns he’d been fucking around with since the previous summer). Before he accepted the job, I’d said that as much as I knew he loved working in the woods, it was really difficult timing for me and I wanted to find a place to settle together, first. This was the first time I’d ever asked something significant of him, in 10 years. I wanted him to do what he wanted, but I needed a plan. He didn’t care (intern was back and he wanted to get back to her… but why did he lead me on?). I caved.

      You can imagine the guilt trips, pity parties and rage that accompanied his cheating, drinking, getting sober and emotional abuse. I wouldn’t learn about this girl
      Or the others that followed for seven more years. I was terrified that he was as going to kill himself, I was worried about his mom, I had no support and no idea what I was going to do next. All the while, he was devaluing me and doing all the nasty cheater stuff, and I was absolutely clueless. My life with him, between his drinking, his mother and his cheating and abuse, was so much harder than it needed to be.