Dear Chump Lady,
My husband got engaged. (This statement does not contain a typo, although even a search engine tried to get me to add “ex” to the topic prior to displaying the full results as apparently even the internet knows that this isn’t appropriate behavior). We are still married. Last night, he posted on social media the news of his proposal to another woman and is rapidly collecting many “likes” from people who either do not realize he already has a wife, or I guess they are just as morally bankrupt as my husband and his new fiancé.
How do I fully comprehend that THEY suck when I feel like I’m the biggest sucker of all? How worthless am I that my husband feels at ease to make a public announcement about his plans to spend the rest of his life with someone else even though we are not divorced? This has taken his devaluing and discard of me to a whole new pitiful level.
What will he and his next bride say when asked about their wedding date? (Legally, it is going to have to take place after our divorce is final and that is nowhere on the immediate horizon). Perhaps I should send a congratulatory message welcoming my soon-to-be “sister wife” to our family. (We are not polygamists by the way!)
Being “ghosted” and immediately replaced after D-Day had already decimated my self-esteem. Every time I think I’ve seen the worst in him, he ups the ante again. I can’t believe I wasted 25 years of my life with someone who has absolute zero regard for me. I know I’m not supposed to try to untangle the skein of what OW is thinking, but who accepts a marriage proposal from someone who is still married to another person? (She is well aware of his marital status and has known all along even when she first f**cked my husband in our bed after creeping out of her former fiancé’s bed after about an hour or so after having sex with him!)
Not sure where I’m going with this, but I really need to vent. I found CN when searching for some sort of help on how to recover from spousal abandonment. Very little out there relates to my situation and I’m struggling to cope.
Still I Rise
Dear Still I Rise,
You know, my old divorce lawyer had a term for this phenomena — he called it “repeat business.”
Only really special fuckwits get engaged while they’re still married. In fact, I believe Macy’s has a special registry for them full of subpoenas and scarlet letters (monogrammed tea towels! china cups! soup ladles!)
And think of the wedding cakes! They could have a cake topper of wife, groom, wife. Or make one giant Meta cake. Boy, I’m so proud to live in a country where straight-married-to-other-people people can stroll into a Christian bakery and order a three-tiered confection for their adulterous wedding adventure, and gay people cannot. (Hey, it’s nothing personal, gay people, it’s Jesus.)
I’m sorry Still I Rise. I share your revulsion, but we live in a disposable society. (Look! Shiny thing! Faster consumerist! More! More!) Is the old wife worn out? Get a new one! And you don’t even have to divorce her properly to make way for the Shiny New, just stuff her in the back of the garage with that Bow-Flex you never use anymore.
How do I fully comprehend that THEY suck when I feel like I’m the biggest sucker of all?
By staying true to your values. You’re not a sucker, you were committed. You have nothing to be ashamed of. At this point, what’s embarrassing is spending five more seconds of your life with such fuckwit. I hope you have a very good attorney and you can leverage your husband’s desire to remarry into a good settlement.
You can also stay off social media and go strictly no contact. You don’t need to see how many people upclick this unholy union. He SUCKS. Trust it.
How worthless am I that my husband feels at ease to make a public announcement about his plans to spend the rest of his life with someone else even though we are not divorced?
YOU are not worthless. Why are you taking that on? Why are you letting this idiot determine your worth? Do you respect his decision to cheat and abandon? Is this fuckwit your lodestar?
Surely you must see that he looks like an IDIOT. People are probably snarking behind his back (and probably liking his posts at the same time). Announcing your engagement before you’re divorced is tantamount to pronouncing: “I Fucked Around On My Wife, Celebrate Me!” It’s declaring that you’re kind of dim on monogamy, but hey let’s have a commitment ceremony. They might fuck this up too, but hey, some cash and monogrammed tea towels would be nice.
What will he and his next bride say when asked about their wedding date?
Something insipid. Not your problem, because you’re really engrossed in that fuckwit-free life you’re living.
Perhaps I should send a congratulatory message welcoming my soon-to-be “sister wife” to our family.
(No, not really. We’re about meh here.)
Who accepts a marriage proposal from someone who is still married to another person?
A pathetic person who is desperate to believe she’s special. So desperate, that she’ll commit her life to someone capable of casual abandonment. There aren’t enough ice swan sculptures to make that shit pretty.
Still, it doesn’t matter what kind of person she is — it matters what kind of person YOU are. How are you going to live your one precious wild life? I know rebuilding is hard and unjust — but like your name, RISE UP. These freaks are not worthy of you.
Maybe you’re going to have to fake it for awhile, but live as if you know your worth. Don’t live under some cloud of their rejection. They aren’t that powerful.
Here’s an engraved invitation to the rest of your life. Please RSVP yes.
This one ran before.