Another Lebkuchen-worthy submission to the Universal Bullshit Translator… Tis the season for over indulgence, so onward we go with Your Tango’s clickbait “I May Be His Mistress, But I’m Not a Homewrecker.”
Some women start affairs for the thrill. Some women start affairs for the sex.
Some women read too many Your Tango articles and live with the eternal regret.
Some women expect their affair partners to give them the world.
Others are content with random dick pics and mediocre steak dinners.
If he’s married, she will go to any length to break that union, no matter what the cost.
What’s a few chumps and minor children? Grizzled steak for dinner!
I am not that woman. No matter what your opinion is of me, I am not a homewrecker.
I care so little for your opinion that I penned a 700-word justification of my actions. So confident am I in the rightness of my cause, this essay is anonymous.
I am not a homewrecker, Ich bin ein Berliner. I am a jelly donut.
Twenty years ago, I met my husband. He is a wonderful man who loves our kids and me. We’ve been through a lot together.
I’ve put him through a lot.
Like most marriages, it hasn’t always been perfect.
But he deserves it for not being perfect. A standard I only hold him to. #dontjudgeme
Two people working through everyday life can have their ups and downs, but we have always dealt with them together. We have raised amazing children together and honestly enjoy each other’s company.
He’s a good husband appliance. We have raised amazing props together.
I don’t honestly enjoy anything that requires honesty.
So it may come as a surprise that I am also in a committed relationship with another wonderful man.
Have I shocked you? Are you just aquiver at my bold trailblazing? Do you want to touch the hem of my garment?
It may come as a surprise that I use the phrase “committed relationship” when I wouldn’t know an actual commitment if it bit my left nipple. But I like the way it sounds. Like “charcuterie plate.” Shahr-cooOoo-ter-REE. It confers gravitas. And bounty. So many wonderful men! Committed to me! #moredriedsausage
I never expected to meet someone who makes me a better person, but a few years ago, I did. He is also married with children.
I fuck around for the self-improvement. Unlike homewreckers.
Our lives have changed dramatically since we met, but just as my husband and I have worked through the ups and downs, so have my friend and me. In a way, he has become the outside voice of reason when I need advice or just someone to make me smile and remember life isn’t fair.
He may cheat on his wife and kids, but he’s my lodestar.
Sometimes I get down. I wonder why I am not sufficiently admired. Did you not see my Instagram feed, Kevin? But then my Friend sits down with me, ruffs my hair playfully and says, “I’ve got a spare 20 minutes. Blowjob in my car?”
Afterwards I smile and suggest dinner at a mediocre steakhouse. He says, “Laters. Wife’s calling.”
The biggest misconception about affairs is that both parties come from sexless marriages. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have an amazing sex life with my husband. So does my friend with his wife. Do we have sex? Yes, we do. Our sex life fulfills fantasies we can’t get at home. And it is amazing.
Our sex life fulfills the abusive power dynamic we need to get off — chumping our oblivious partners. The gaslighting is amazing. The genital warts, we ignore.
But the truth is, sex is only a minor part of our relationship. If something happened and we could never have sex again, I wouldn’t leave him. I would still enjoy the same wonderful relationship we have now.
If I couldn’t fuck him, I’d still enjoy the secrecy of having fucked him.
I have read all the articles about women who are convinced the woman who slept with their husband was a homewrecker. I am sure some women are. But that is not me.
I have read ALL THE ARTICLES! All of them! From the ancient library of Alexandria (you try wading through 50,000 papyrus scrolls!) to Margery Finknottle’s embittered Twitter feed (He’s just not that into you Margery. Get a life.)
I am an authority. If I say I’m not a homewrecker, I’m the Queen’s corgi, you will address me as Sir Fuzzybottom.
I have never assumed I am anything more than a friend. I have never had any intention of wrecking his home, just as he has never intended to wreck mine.
What matters are our intentions. Not our actions. And not those pesky warts either.
The truth is, I love his wife. She has never not been a presence in our relationship.
Especially if he hasn’t showered first.
We openly talk about our spouses and marriages. She is a good woman. He knows and loves that my husband is a good man. Our spouses have never been hidden; they have always been there, just as our kids have never been hidden.
We know about each other’s families and that’s what keeps us together — mutually assured destruction.
Our families come first, no questions asked. Many times kids have had issues or spouses have been sick, and our time is put on hold. Never has this been an issue. Being good spouses and parents has always been more important. Being those people is one of the reasons we have been together so long. We love those people too.
Even when they’re inconvenient! And sick! I’ve been known to go entire days parenting.
The other benefit to our relationship is that it has made me a better person. His advice helps me to be a better spouse.
I never knew about burner phones before. Thank you Special Friend.
In the times I am frustrated or irritated with my husband, sometimes it is nice to get a male perspective on the situation. As women, we obviously don’t know how the male mind works. He has helped me to understand men think differently and how to deal with that difference.
Kevin, I need to fuck other men to understand you. It isn’t betrayal, it’s research.
When it comes to kids, sharing experiences has made me look at parenting differently and made me more relaxed when it comes to my kids. Our relationship is a stress reliever for me, and that alone has helped me time and again.
Another science project? Get your own damn poster board, I have a date in a parking lot.
I never went into an affair to find a way out or to take over someone’s marriage.
Some women in affairs are good women, good wives, and good mothers.
I didn’t mean to make him fall in love with me. I’m just that much better than you. On all fronts — as a wife, a mother, and an orifice.
Don’t assume we all want to be the b*tch who steals your husband. Some of us have no intention of wrecking your home. We are perfectly happy with the relationships we have. We suggest you make sure you are too.
I’m not the bitch who wants to steal your husband. I’m the bitch who wants to eternally triangulate with you.
The UBT wonders how perfectly happy your relationship will be when your husband learns you fuck around on him. We suggest you find you out.