Another Lebkuchen-worthy submission to the Universal Bullshit Translator… Tis the season for over indulgence, so onward we go with Your Tango’s clickbait “I May Be His Mistress, But I’m Not a Homewrecker.”
Some women start affairs for the thrill. Some women start affairs for the sex.
Some women read too many Your Tango articles and live with the eternal regret.
Some women expect their affair partners to give them the world.
Others are content with random dick pics and mediocre steak dinners.
If he’s married, she will go to any length to break that union, no matter what the cost.
What’s a few chumps and minor children? Grizzled steak for dinner!
I am not that woman. No matter what your opinion is of me, I am not a homewrecker.
I care so little for your opinion that I penned a 700-word justification of my actions. So confident am I in the rightness of my cause, this essay is anonymous.
I am not a homewrecker, Ich bin ein Berliner. I am a jelly donut.
Twenty years ago, I met my husband. He is a wonderful man who loves our kids and me. We’ve been through a lot together.
I’ve put him through a lot.
Like most marriages, it hasn’t always been perfect.
But he deserves it for not being perfect. A standard I only hold him to. #dontjudgeme
Two people working through everyday life can have their ups and downs, but we have always dealt with them together. We have raised amazing children together and honestly enjoy each other’s company.
He’s a good husband appliance. We have raised amazing props together.
I don’t honestly enjoy anything that requires honesty.
So it may come as a surprise that I am also in a committed relationship with another wonderful man.
Have I shocked you? Are you just aquiver at my bold trailblazing? Do you want to touch the hem of my garment?
It may come as a surprise that I use the phrase “committed relationship” when I wouldn’t know an actual commitment if it bit my left nipple. But I like the way it sounds. Like “charcuterie plate.” Shahr-cooOoo-ter-REE. It confers gravitas. And bounty. So many wonderful men! Committed to me! #moredriedsausage
I never expected to meet someone who makes me a better person, but a few years ago, I did. He is also married with children.
I fuck around for the self-improvement. Unlike homewreckers.
Our lives have changed dramatically since we met, but just as my husband and I have worked through the ups and downs, so have my friend and me. In a way, he has become the outside voice of reason when I need advice or just someone to make me smile and remember life isn’t fair.
He may cheat on his wife and kids, but he’s my lodestar.
Sometimes I get down. I wonder why I am not sufficiently admired. Did you not see my Instagram feed, Kevin? But then my Friend sits down with me, ruffs my hair playfully and says, “I’ve got a spare 20 minutes. Blowjob in my car?”
Afterwards I smile and suggest dinner at a mediocre steakhouse. He says, “Laters. Wife’s calling.”
#lifesnotfair
The biggest misconception about affairs is that both parties come from sexless marriages. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have an amazing sex life with my husband. So does my friend with his wife. Do we have sex? Yes, we do. Our sex life fulfills fantasies we can’t get at home. And it is amazing.
Our sex life fulfills the abusive power dynamic we need to get off — chumping our oblivious partners. The gaslighting is amazing. The genital warts, we ignore.
But the truth is, sex is only a minor part of our relationship. If something happened and we could never have sex again, I wouldn’t leave him. I would still enjoy the same wonderful relationship we have now.
If I couldn’t fuck him, I’d still enjoy the secrecy of having fucked him.
I have read all the articles about women who are convinced the woman who slept with their husband was a homewrecker. I am sure some women are. But that is not me.
I have read ALL THE ARTICLES! All of them! From the ancient library of Alexandria (you try wading through 50,000 papyrus scrolls!) to Margery Finknottle’s embittered Twitter feed (He’s just not that into you Margery. Get a life.)
I am an authority. If I say I’m not a homewrecker, I’m the Queen’s corgi, you will address me as Sir Fuzzybottom.
I have never assumed I am anything more than a friend. I have never had any intention of wrecking his home, just as he has never intended to wreck mine.
What matters are our intentions. Not our actions. And not those pesky warts either.
The truth is, I love his wife. She has never not been a presence in our relationship.
Especially if he hasn’t showered first.
We openly talk about our spouses and marriages. She is a good woman. He knows and loves that my husband is a good man. Our spouses have never been hidden; they have always been there, just as our kids have never been hidden.
We know about each other’s families and that’s what keeps us together — mutually assured destruction.
Our families come first, no questions asked. Many times kids have had issues or spouses have been sick, and our time is put on hold. Never has this been an issue. Being good spouses and parents has always been more important. Being those people is one of the reasons we have been together so long. We love those people too.
Even when they’re inconvenient! And sick! I’ve been known to go entire days parenting.
#goldstar4fuckwits
The other benefit to our relationship is that it has made me a better person. His advice helps me to be a better spouse.
I never knew about burner phones before. Thank you Special Friend.
In the times I am frustrated or irritated with my husband, sometimes it is nice to get a male perspective on the situation. As women, we obviously don’t know how the male mind works. He has helped me to understand men think differently and how to deal with that difference.
Kevin, I need to fuck other men to understand you. It isn’t betrayal, it’s research.
When it comes to kids, sharing experiences has made me look at parenting differently and made me more relaxed when it comes to my kids. Our relationship is a stress reliever for me, and that alone has helped me time and again.
Another science project? Get your own damn poster board, I have a date in a parking lot.
I never went into an affair to find a way out or to take over someone’s marriage.
Some women in affairs are good women, good wives, and good mothers.
I didn’t mean to make him fall in love with me. I’m just that much better than you. On all fronts — as a wife, a mother, and an orifice.
Don’t assume we all want to be the b*tch who steals your husband. Some of us have no intention of wrecking your home. We are perfectly happy with the relationships we have. We suggest you make sure you are too.
I’m not the bitch who wants to steal your husband. I’m the bitch who wants to eternally triangulate with you.
The UBT wonders how perfectly happy your relationship will be when your husband learns you fuck around on him. We suggest you find you out.
Tracy, this is one of your best. Thank you so much for the morning laugh. As for the writer, my jaw literally dropped to hear her say that “being a good spouse” is the most important thing to her. Aside from any other consideration, you are NOT being a good spouse to expose your partner to sexually-transmitted diseases without their consent- you’re actually committing sexual assault. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think people who commit sexual assault are good people.
Game, set, match… Yes, this, exactly. ⭐
Thank you for doing what you do Chumplady. When I finally had proof my wife was cheating I was was waiting at the door to the attorney’s office when they opened the next day.
It’s been over two years now and I’m still deprogramming my brain from all the lies I was told and all the blame and guilt that was pointed in my direction over the decades. I am often shocked when my opinion matters and when I am treated with respect in my new life.
When your spouse is cheating EVERYTHING is a lie and I still have big time trust issues but I’m working them out. Your work has lifted the fog I’ve been living in for over two decades. Thank you.
Thank you for doing what you do Chumplady. When I finally had proof my wife was cheating I was was waiting at the door to the attorney’s office when they opened the next day.
It’s been over two years now and I’m still deprogramming my brain from all the lies I was told and all the blame and guilt that was pointed in my direction over the decades. I am often shocked when my opinion matters and when I am treated with respect in my new life.
When your spouse is cheating EVERYTHING is a lie and I still have big time trust issues but I’m working them out. Your work has lifted the fog I’ve been living in for over two decades. Thank you.
Right, because Mr. Borrowed Dong isn’t sharing his wise counsel with other randos. He’s too committed and honest! He’s not “that” man!
‘Mr. Borrowed Dong’ ???????????? sharing his wise counsel! ????
How do we get all of this to your tango?
Yes, and I’m sure Mr. BD is spending time gushing and writing lovingly about the author. He feels just as committed and in love as she does. 😉
When he has time between escort appointments, other-other-women maintenance, web cam sex and rub and tug sessions.
Yeaaaaa. I got the ‘cheating makes me a better spouse’ bs. Like, HOW?
Christ on a cracker! It also made him a ‘better father’. Sure. Like missing birthdays and other milestones to entertain the fuckbuddies across the USA.
Then there was, ” but… I’m ENTITLED to my caveats!”. That sealed the deal. And I then did 4yrs worth of annual STD panels.
Here’s the sociopathic part, he absolutely targeted married people for affairs because they had equal skin in the game. The working sex pros were of all flavors and varieties- more one & done cash transactions.
They target married vulnerables, people grieving (just out of relationships), empaths, and 14-16 year-olds. Sociopathy is hidden well behind charm, and people in caring professions. Charming is something that sends me running nowadays.
The cognitive dissonance in this bundle of tripe is quite astounding. The “I’m a better person because I cheat” crap is something we’ve probably all heard before but this piece is next level.
Kinda reminds me of the ‘I drive better when I’m drunk’ argument….umm, no, you don’t actually. ????
Top shelf, I agree! “Do you want to touch my garment?” SENT ME!!
Agreed! Awesome UBT
Can someone please include the gif of Chidi from The Good Place saying “…but that’s worse – you see how that’s worse, right??”
If this were an ethical swinging situation, that would be one thing, but I figure stingers wouldn’t be calling anyone “the mistress”.
I am hearing his voice in my head now. It’s a perfect “exasperated chump” meme rebuttal.
I feel gross after reading that… like I should go get an STD test just from seeing it. The lengths that people go to just to rationalize their own shitty behavior will never cease to amaze me.
Did the UBT throw up? That was a lot of fetid crap to digest.
Oh my goodness, no. Could this be more textbook narcissist? Aside from the cheap humor, it’s tragic for their spouses who are trying to make the marriage work, giving of themselves sexually, parenting the kids, all with that awful, nagging worry that something else is going on. They’re being gaslighted out of their senses right now. “I’ll be out for another spa day, honey.” “How could you be jealous? We’re all such good friends.” Evil.
This is all about her ego. Her ego to prove she’s more desirable than the wife (your husband needs me) while still also maintaining the image of a perfect wife & mother for society. And then to also seek the approval of column readers. Yuck.
I don’t believe in hate but I really, really dislike cheaters.
Really.
This sounds exactly like the BS my STBX spews to justify her affair. Glad my attorney is filing today. A new day is dawning….
Good for you. Your future is brighter than hers, don’t worry. Enjoy the new day.
Thank you Jennifer!
GMOA, congratulations! First official step to Freedom Day! You are going to be ok. The ride may be very rough but better days are ahead.
Ditto! You got this, Asap!
Thank you Divine!
Thank you MC99! Can’t tell you how invaluable it is to have a support group like CN, especially those who are now on the other side of this crappy experience and can share that one can not only survive it, but can then THRIVE. Pain before gain.
Hey that’s my moniker! ???????? congratulations! It only gets better 2 steps forward and one back. A windy road that leads to freedom from betrayal and abuse. Hugs!
Thank you Thrive! So sorry! Didn’t mean to do that. ????
Congrats! Take good care of yourself during this ti . I am I. The middle of the process and trying to settle with an entitled FW is no easy thing. No contact, everything goes through attorneys. This annoys the hell out of my STBX. Of course that is the reason for me liking it soooooo much. The other great thing is that he hates my attorney and that is how I know I picked the right Pitbull. Stay strong!
Typing suck. It is during this time and I am in the middle….l.
Thank you Chumped!
Question: I will be at our apartment when my wife is served. In terms of no contact, is it possible to do that while living in the same apartment, separate rooms. Of course, I will see her but can ignore her, and she me, and if she says anything just tell her to contact my attorney? For context, I’m currently the sole income provider so I could move out, or ask her to move out. Just curious what your thoughts are on that. Thanks.
I would caution you about staying alone in the same place with her and I think most lawyers would tell you this. All she has to do is make up some bullshit story about feeling “threatened” and a judge will issue a restraining order. THEN, you WILL be moving out…..at least temporarily, until you can get it overturned. Hopefully it’s just your name on the lease…..if so….kick her out. Sorry to say but some lawyers will encourage her to do just that. You are in the trenches now, ask your lawyer. I guarantee they are not ok with what you are thinking in this matter. Do not clean out your joint account if you have one. Shut off all the credit cards immediately. Take half the money out of the joint account and leave the rest….if you have one. This will not be viewed as unreasonable. All expenses incurred by her after being served are on her, but making sure she can’t run up shit on joint credit cards will make it easier on you. If kids are involved you should try to stay in the current place they reside. Courts care about stability for the children. Your lawyer should know most of this so ask them. If they don’t know, find another lawyer. If you’re saying to yourself “my wife would never do anything like this” then ask yourself that question again. She already betrayed you in the most fundamental way possible…..what else is she capable of? I’ll spare you the suspense on that answer……A LOT. Especially with a nasty lawyer. Protect yourself and God speed. Disclaimer…..this is all assuming you live in the US.
My lawyer said something key to me in our first meeting: what are you going to do when this happens again?
Thank you sheep. I will talk with my attorney about this today. Thank you for reminding me that FW is an adversary in this process, and I should assume she’ll be a mean one.
EXCELLENT ADVICE from sheep! Please heed it. Sending you strength. There is happiness on the other side, I promise.
Thank you Happy Now! I look forward to arriving in the land of happiness some day! ????
Best to be in a different room when it happens. My FW moved out a couple of days after being served. You do not know how they will react. Do not let a FW engage you in conversation after this. My FW tried this and I just told him to have his attorney contact mine. Pissed the MOFO off to no end but it was great! Don’t move out without talking to your attorney first. Good luck. Your journey is starting. I am in the middle and lots of Chumps are further along. Stay here and read daily. Good luck.
Thank you Chumped. —> “Do not let a FW engage you in conversation after this.”
I am preparing myself mentally for this interaction because I know she’s going to try to guilt trip me big time. I’m already practicing over and over, “Talk to my attorney.”
It is not easy but you will get practice. After a few times of seeing him turn red, it became more fun. Not that it was not frightening but these cheaters want you to engage so they can get a reaction from you. When they do not get this kibble, it frustrates them to no end.
Congrats! ????
Thank you OHFFS!
We need to bring back the word “homewrecker”. It’s so apt, but you hardly ever hear it these days.
I’m a big fan of the word “homewrecker.” When the AP was deposed for our trial, afterwards, she came up to me with the whole, “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. Blah. Blah. Blah.” The worst was when she said, “I saw what I wanted, so I took it.” I know he bears responsibility, too. But, this heifer, with her over-dyed hair and tacky shoes, decided to satisfy her own selfish needs with no care to me, her husband, or her children. Not only did she “wreck” my home, she wrecked hers, as well. (And, yes, the narcissist eventually dropped her. Karma.).
“I saw what I wanted, so I took it.”
Just about says it all, doesn’t it?
OMG… we can depose them?! Can we make APs testify too? I will eat cup’o noodles for a year if I get to line them up in a courtroom.
I’m just getting started with the paperwork (and know legal advice here is a no-no)… but what a delicious vision! And can one post this sort of spectacle on YouTube?
Bwa ha ha ha ha
If you have money to burn and are establishing some sort of factual narrative and the idea of going to court seems thrilling, then do it.
Naw, I think this is really more of a fantasy moment for me. After all the sneaking around with no need to defend their behavior to anyone except each other, I liked the idea of a public “airing of the grievances “.
Good romcom material – but there are definitely better ways to spend money/time 🙂
It wasn’t cheap, and I would only recommend it as a last resort, but her words helped establish a pattern of waste and financial shenanigans. (Most courts give no care to the cheating—it’s all about splitting the assets.) And, for those that venture into those waters, make sure you have the fortitude. It wasn’t easy to hear all the details of their holidays and escapades and not bat an eye.
Since I had solid proof of the AP, my counsel included her name in my petition. It’s like, I got to expose their secret. Strangely, that actually gave me more satisfaction than seeing her face-to-face.
Over Thanksgiving break, my 20 year-old daughter referred to her stepmother as a home wrecker whore. In 8 years I have never uttered a nasty word about OWife. Actually, I never talk about her. So my daughter came to this conclusion and applied this label all on her own.
Sunrise, your daughter’s command of language and insight into the character of her stepmother is testimony to your influence in her life. Even though you never said anything “nasty”, your daughter is able to correctly identify her stepmother. She saw what that homewrecker did to her family. She knows.
What is so amusing to me about the term is that we want to apply it to the ‘other’ person. It somehow gets passed over as a word for the Fuckwit. For the rest of today I am going to use Homewrecking Fuckwit. Equal opportunity all around!
Hello my name is xo Jane (author of the your tango article) and I am a great spouse, I love my husband, I love my children, my values exemplify family and I am a Homewrecking Fuckwit.
Indeed! The homewrecker in my case was the one who knew exactly what he was doing but did it anyway! The father of my five children is the homewrecker. He thought he’d surely never lose it all and his lies would always save him.
JA,
We need a better phrase that “homewrecker,” as it doesn’t go far enough in describing the impact of the cheater’s actions with their AP.
My Ex-Wife didn’t “just” wreck my home and that of our kids; she destroyed our family, our dreams, our finances and – ultimately – did her very best to destroy our lived reality through her lies, manipulation and gaslighting. This had a huge impact of my mental health and that of our kids. That this was the result of deliberate and conscious choices on her part whilst trying to avoid the consequences of her actions makes it all the worse.
If “butcher of realities” were a thing, Ex-Mrs LFTT would be one …. but I’ll admit that “homewrecker” is catchier.
LFTT
How ‘bout “family annihilater” ?
“Devourer of dreams”?
I accidentally saw part of a death metal video in which the (alleged) musician called himself that.
The video and the (alleged) musician sucked, but it’s a great description of what cheaters do.
Wow, “butcher of realities” conveys it all
Human tampon?
I kind of do not want to give these assholes powerful terminology.
I’ve called them Losers. Every.Single.One including the fuckwit I was married to.
It is fitting and I get to keep my power and not transfer it onto idiots who are on omnipotent in their own fantasies.
Over It,
I can see that perspective, but please understand that the days of her butchering my reality are long gone; she holds no power in my house.
LFTT
I think of them as abusosexuals, but homewrecker is more specific. I believe doing harm and exerting power is the way they get off. One who targets married people and destroys lives, or one who cheats and does the same, is a member of that species, which also includes rapists and other sex offenders.
I also believe that when a cheater type of abusosexual isn’t cheating, he/she needs to fantasize about cheating to reach orgasm. Like a rapist, the unequal power and the emotional damage to the victim is exciting to them. But the fw type of abusosexual is also getting off on the ego stroking of the AP. They have more narcissism in them whereas in the rapist, psychopathy is the more predominant characteristic. But they both have those traits and there is considerable overlap. Many of us have experienced cheaters who were overtly sexually abusive in addition to covertly abusive via cheating.
They are like bugs under glass; interesting to study but you sure wouldn’t want them coming over for dinner.
Aka, “that woman” or “that man.”
Do they all read from the same script? Shmoops wailed after D-Day that she wasn’t “that woman.”
But what is “that” other than…
— Requisite bait and switch with promises of “no-strings” Cirque de Soleil parking lot and hotel humpery and gushy flattery followed by escalating bi-monthly weepy fits (and all out sobbing before holidays) that he won’t dump wife/minor kids. Check.
–Brazen homewrecking (Approaching FW saying she wanted to cheat on her boyfriend. Calls FW’s wife she never met and whom she repeatedly co-robbed and co-endangered “Devil woman.” Does a sort of reputational head-on-pikes threat of what happens to men who don’t play ball by calling the boyfriends of friends she couldn’t poach “gay” and the partner at work who wouldn’t promote her a “harasser” [though the latter is actually… gay]. Wheedles for astronomically expensive musical instrument she can’t play on hearing FW’s kids were admitted to elite music program- i.e., seek to compete with and displace minor kids. Naturally never considers paying back her share of the $40k of marital assets blown on the affair and doesn’t report gifts to IRS, etc.). Check.
–Starts sending “messages” to expedite divorce (bragging about affair to megaphone work gossips, claw marks on FW’s back before Christmas, stealing all his underwear, insisting they rendez-vous at family restaurants, etc.). Check.
–“Forgetting” to take the pill and bawling drunkenly at work event when this doesn’t lead to pregnancy. Check.
Sort of the definition of “that.” And all FWs are exactly “that.” I suspect “that” involves features of subclinical psychopathy and serious FOO issues, but I’m no expert so we’ll just call it “that.”
Probably because we’ve started to move away from the notion that a man’s sexual behavior is all the fault of the women around him – why, HE certainly can’t be blamed for wrecking his family and his home, you know how men are just slaves to their sex hormones, it’s all the fault of that temptress who lured him into her arms!
I certainly don’t think much of the woman my FW had an affair with, but she didn’t “take” anything that the FW wasn’t dying to give her.
When the dust settles and meh is achieved, it becomes clear the key thing that many APs “take” is cold hard college funds. And the sometimes broke-ass FWs don’t have the funds anymore to return to betrayed and embezzled spouses and kids even when ordered to. Nothing from nothing is nothing. So I wish there were a means to sue Shmoopies and sex workers to get those funds returned. Just like in cases of receiving stolen goods, the “should have known” (goods were stolen) rule kicks in. If a Shmoopie knew a john or paramour was married, then they “should have known” that any gifts/funds they received were embezzled from joint assets.
I stop short of thinking any of this should be criminalized (I believe sex work should be decriminalized but johns should get busted) and the whole “alienation of affection” thing seems silly and antiquated. Participants’ morals are their own problems and sadly time and peace of mind can’t be “returned” like a stolen lawnmower. But dollar value can be easily assigned to theft and there’s plenty of culpability to go around for the main bank robber, the getaway driver and the fence. Assigning a serving of guilt to the driver takes none from the stick-up guy.
I hear what you’re saying, but my problem with the term ‘homewrecker’ is that it lets the fuckwit partner off the hook. A sinister siren lures a vulnerable “wayward spouse” to cheat. If she hadn’t come along and bewitched him, the family would have lived happily ever after.
The person who cheats on you wrecks your home, and the AP is a willing accomplice. What all willing APs have in common is that they are dishonest, easy and available. While some are more malicious than others, they are not special, and they interchangeable. Affairs are not about soulmates and love. I am now under the impression that most cheaters are serial cheaters – bent on wrecking their families, no matter how many chances they are given to rebuild.
I don’t think telling the truth about one of them lets the other off the hook. They are both complicit in destroying a family. Emotionally, physically, and financially. If they are co workers they are both guilty of lying to their bosses and co workers. I am not speaking in absolutes of course. Sometimes the work place is fine with it, but generally they are lying to a lot of folks, stealing time from employers etc.
Except in that rare unicorn occasion where the adultery partner does not know the other is married.
They both deserve all the disrespect they have earned.
I completely agree Susie. I could even argue that the FW you’re married to might even think they can get away with this or might not be thinking it through. They are selfish FW’s, but they might think their marriage can stay intact and that it won’t hurt anybody. But the FW that ends up with your spouse, has often done this knowing full well what they’re hoping to achieve in the end.
They play all their cards right and we don’t even know we are in the game.
They are both home wreckers.
If married people didn’t have the option of having twu wuv affairs, or the pussy buffer as CL puts it, they might be more incentivized to work their shit out and at least try to keep their commitments and bond with their spouse and family.
If there’s no market for something, it stops happening.
I can never absolve the office whore who was leaving him love notes, face timing him under the guise of friendship when he was out of town, going for lunch and then hotel rooms with him, as not being a huge part of the home wrecking situation. He is now in her home.
????
It was no secret that my fw’s whore had ridden several married men in hopes of a meal ticket.
She won the brass ring that was my fw. At the time I honestly couldn’t believe he was as stupid as he was.
Problem is even though I got rid of him, he went on with the whores assistance to do everything they could to damage my son. That I couldn’t forgive.
Can’t lie. This was another hard read about how cheaters don’t feel apologetic at all and they “sleep very well at night thankyouverymuch.” I was squirming uncomfortably while reading it and quickly reliving many conversations that I had with FW where it felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall (until NC came into my life). The grandiose, narcissistic back-patting in the original text was really gross.
And then, that masterstroke of an ending came and my eyebrows shot up! Yes, yes… what would the letter writer’s chump say if they knew? I doubt they’d support her position as bestest wife ever.
It was like a mic drop.
FW: I’m the best spouse and parent ever! In fact, my cheating makes me a better partner than any other monogamist out there! They don’t hold a candle to me.
Interviewer: Cool, cool. I’m just going to go interview your husband now and see what he thinks.
FW: *panic* ….please don’t tell my husband.
Truly odious, all of it. Nevermind that I had already bathed, I sure felt like jumping back in the shower after I read this tripe.
They do sleep well at night, don’t they Fourleaf? Cheating Bastard Ex never gave it a second thought, I assure you. He didn’t hesitate to tell me that.
These people have no conscience to be sure.
“sleep very well at night thankyouverymuch.”
Literally. Very well, indeed. I was appalled by how well my XW ate and slept in the days following DDay #2. Didn’t take a single pill, no sleep aid, nothing. Hit the pillow and snored.
During wreckonciliation I couldn’t make myself eat or sleep more than a few hours per night. She pointed that out to people as a sign I was unhinged.
They really have no qualms.
Even if there are “qualms,” these aren’t enough to stop the wreckage. FW’s heavy drinking with AP probably contributed to his insomnia. But AP to the rescue with emailed offers of cannabis products with her cannabis club membership discount.
Instead of helping him sleep he became quasi psychotic as some do on THC. That was fun for me and the kids, especially when he blamed the insomnia, crying jags, weight gain, serious memory lapses, and paranoid bellowing on us.
Same here, I was traumatized and sleepless, vomiting and going through hell. Ex was bouncing around telling me he was going out to see his friends. He literally stepped over my crying body in the floor
A few years ago I was watching some sort of Chris Rock comedy special on Netflix. In the middle of the show, he made a joke about infidelity. The audience laughed. He continued to riff on this theme, pointed his finger at the audience and (framed as a joke) said something to the effect of “Don’t laugh! Over half of you are here sitting next to your sidepieces!” The audience roared even louder.
I squirmed uncomfortably on my living room couch. I thought (projecting/fantasizing, of course), “Boy, I bet if FW and Wifetress were audience members, or happened to watch this show on Netflix, I bet *they* would feel called out and *they* would be the ones squirming uncomfortably on their couch.”
Then there was a sudden realization. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a cartoon epiphany. If FW and Wifetress were sitting in the audience they would be laughing heartily at Chris Rock’s jokes. They wouldn’t feel uncomfortable at all. Here I am, squirming and feeling uncomfortable on their behalf, but–I realized–they wouldn’t feel called out at all. Because they don’t see themselves as cheaters. To them, Rock’s joke would be for someone else. They sleep fine at night, secure in the knowledge that they’ve done nothing wrong.
As a teenager, I shoplifted from a store… twice. I thought I could get away with it. I didn’t; I was caught the second time. The store owner knew me personally and he was so, so, *so* disappointed with me. I was disappointed with myself. He was kind to me and let me go without calling anyone about it. He just asked me to (of course) never steal again and to never come into his shop again. I agreed, knowing he had given me an absolute gift. I threw up for days afterwards (I’m a stress puker), disgusted with my own villainy and even more disgusted that I had let someone I knew, who was formerly fond of me, down horribly. Fast forward many years later, and I saw him again, out in the wild. I looked up at him and prepared myself to wave. He saw me, froze, then looked away and walked into another room.
I was gutted. I felt like my heart had fallen to my feet. I had disappointed this man, who was formerly quite fond of me, so much that he couldn’t even look at me years later. His absolute refusal to have anything to do with me let me know just how deeply I had wounded him. I tucked my tail between my legs and left. I’ve never seen him again and that’s okay. But, even to this day, this knowledge that I wounded someone *so deeply* that they would choose to remove themselves from my presence because they were so hurt brings me such pain…. this… this is *shame*. This is what shame feels like. I feel nauseous just typing this out because I’m reliving that shame. Shame can be debilitating. I feel like crying just typing this because I still feel ashamed.
I did a bad thing. I hurt someone who liked me. That person never forgave me because the bad thing I did hurt him deeply. He is hurt/I feel shame for having done what I did. It’s not that long a drive from Point A to Point B.
So. Chris Rock. I realized–with a shock–that FW and Wifetress feel absolutely no shame. Rock’s joke would fly over their heads because they honestly don’t see themselves as cheaters. No shame. No uncomfortable squirming. No lost sleep.
I think I was really fooling myself, thinking that either of them would feel even just a little bit of shame. But, I honestly don’t think they do. And that’s that.
When I realized that they sleep just fine at night I stopped wishing for them to feel ashamed. They’ll never feel ashamed. After that, ironically, I started sleeping better at night myself because I stopped wishing for something that will never happen.
Fourleaf,
For the purposes of moving on, we might as well accept that these people have zero qualms or conscience. No pangs of regret. I think it simplifies making an escape. But I’ve caught glimpses over a long period of time of what happens to people who do terrible shit and then have to do use a lot of brain metabolism to maintain mental gymnastics to tamp down any unsettling feelings about it or face sudden pangs of realization that they’re not *actually* nice people.
I saw this as an advocate for domestic violence survivors when I would attend court as a supporter. And my take is that it isn’t *just* that disordered people hate being exposed. It’s a lot “that,” but eventually the effort to cover up and bury starts to compromise their precious image management. Genuine sociopathy/zero empathy is reportedly very rare. Most build up elaborate fairy castle fantasies of themselves as “good and deserving souls” and delusions that anyone they punished was evil, mad, bad and undeserving. But proof that they’re personally invested in these lies and not just spinning them for image management is watching the divides between their “compartments” collapse and the contortions of conflict cross their faces when confronted with contradictions to that spun reality. It’s pretty freaky., especially when watching previously cool-cucumber violent perps start turning different colors and contorting in court. Armed marshals will shift their hands closer to fire arms and it makes everyone tense. Even for lesser ill-doers, I’ve seen how those contortions affect other aspects of their lives. It makes them start to smell wrong. The worse the crime, the worse the smell over time. I’ve met murderers who got away with it. They start surrounding themselves with people who won’t call them on anything and get weirder and weirder. There are exceptions but not many.
In the post-D-Day RIC period when I was still guard dogging, pain shopping and sleuthing social media for signs of a continuing affair or potential bunny boiling, a friend (who maybe felt personally scandalized and I’m positive was not trying to bait me) sent me a group video presentation for women in business that the OW had participated in for mysterious reasons (all the other women were qualified veteran execs, not glorified assistants). What started out as morbid curiosity turned to amazement when, at some point when answering a panel question about balancing work and childcare (OW is childless), her head suddenly turned jerkily to the side as if invisibly slapped and she uttered something with spazzy intensity about “MEN having the same problem because, you know, children…” As she said “children” with her head turned stiffly to the side, her lower jaw shifted almost out of joint in that way people do in place of an eye roll, to express cynicism or exasperation. The whole effect made her seem like rough trade. The shark eyes and monotone, honky voice didn’t help.
I didn’t expect to see anything so readable and telltale and started laughing nervously. I was prepared for Teflon to the extent that I’d mythologized the affair a bit. But I could tell she wasn’t so above what she had participated in after all. It was causing mini convulsions to maintain the system of rationalization.
Cheaters are still human, not mythological creatures. Come a day when those not-so-micro expressions are going to rub the wrong people the wrong way and they become less and less able to con actually innocent people and land themselves in more and more creepy company. Ill deeds cling to the skin and get into the bloodstream. A few good film references are the scenes in which the Ripley character’s friendly act starts giving people the “ick” in Talented Mr. Ripley. Or when mate-poaching Mavis from “Young Adult” can’t hide her disgust at meeting the new baby of her married target, causing bystanders to glance at each other in discomfort.
No one gets off scot-free, not really. Trust that they suck and it sucks to be them. Take it from those of us who didn’t at first trust that and dipped a toe in the abyss to find out. Yep, ick.
“ It’s pretty freaky., especially when watching previously cool-cucumber violent perps start turning different colors and contorting”
That is so interesting to read. While my ex was not a cool cucumber, he could be very condescending and “calm,” especially when he was gaslighting me or had done something extremely cruel to to provoke a reaction. However, he would literally short circuit when caught or when faced with undeniable evidence of what he’d done or how much he sucked. He would lose his shit and go from psychological manipulation to aggressive, angry bullying and extreme behaviors.
The director of the dv advocacy network warned me of “that moment” when batterer’s “dividing walls” between compartments would collapse in court in the face of incontrovertible evidence of violence and evil. She said “Know where the exits are.”
I saw this one slick professional perp– who’d sort of exuded gently pained calm innocence for the three previous days of trial– turn crimson and bugged-eyed and start scarily stabbing the legal pad in front of him with a pencil at the point where a medical witness for the prosecution described the gf/victim’s injuries. The poor doctor saw this and his voice started shaking but he braced himself and bravely went on to describe contusions, etc. Then one male member of the jury disappeared after break, saying he was terrified of what would happen if he had to convict this guy and he had a heart condition and couldn’t tolerate the stress and fear.
That “short circuit” is why there are armed marshals in courtrooms.
Thank you for this…
I agree…then never feel shame. And, for me, that’s been hard. But, I’m getting past it with time.
they…not then…
“For the purposes of moving on, we might as well accept that these people have zero qualms or conscience.”
Agreed. The day it truly dawned on me that they sleep perfectly well at night, I also began to sleep better.
I hear you, FKA. Let me tell you the extent of her disregard for my pain was such that I believed for some time I somehow deserved that treatment. It seemed illogical to think otherwise; so much hatred and contempt must have been warranted. Crazy, I know. But thanks to therapy, close friends which witnessed our domestic dynamics and always thought of it as a little bit off, the great Chump Lady and Chump Nation, and XW’s own ever worsening behaviour, I pay no heed to this background sensation anymore. The wreckage of our children’s home falls squarely on her shoulders, no one else is at fault (except for then AP and their accomplices).
It’s a relief to realize that. I still wonder how I was so blindsided to begin with but betrayal is a bully operation. Cheaters sound convinced to the extent they usually trial run their lies with many others before leveling twisted accusations at their chumps. For a moment, the cheater’s investment in their own bs feels very convincing. Thankfully it passes when they’re removed from our orbit.
No byline = coward
. . . or, more likely, made up story to register clicks
If this is a real person who wants, so badly, to shout it from the rooftops can bask in the knowledge that the world knows her story. If she is real she needs attention. Attention whores abound in cheaterland.
Online dating is arguably driven partly by cheaters. OLD is big business with a lot of media cross investment and pehaps the rise of streaming porn/web cam sex work and cheating apps figure in profits. Another way to look at it is that public misery and family instability increase general spending. In other words, cheating is good for business. But there’s this problem of the Gallup poll that found American disapproval of adultery is at an all-time high, up there with distaste for human cloning. Plus this apparently isn’t a reflection of religious moralizing since those polled largely support gay marriage.
Maybe sleazeball media publishers just want public views to support sleazeball lifestyles? Either way, the poll represents a dangerously mainstream prohibition, as if the public increasingly views cheating as abuse and unhealthy from a secular or “scientific” perspective. Oh noes. So I think you’re right this could be wag-the-dog fakery to “correct” and nudge American views in a more “market friendly” direction.
Damn, this asshat could make a fortune as a professional hair-splitter.
“Lesson one, how to dismantle an unattractive yet accurate phrase which describes you perfectly into fractured segments, use smoke and mirrors to obscure the segments you can’t deny, and use word salad to defend against those segments you can argue against. First you’ll need a very fine blade, some tongs, a few noisy distractions, and a fog machine.”
???????????????????? You have a way with words and visual imagery.
Well, that article certainly illustrates the mindset of why FWs blame their chumps for “breaking up the relationship” when chumps discover the cheating. They didn’t INTEND to break up there family, therefore when it inevitably happens, it’s not their fault.
Exactly. My X was soooooo willing to work on our marriage (provided he could have a side piece). I was the intolerant one who had so many flaws, like not having short hair, that he had NO CHOICE but to cheat. But he never intended to destroy our marriage. Oh, no. That is ALL on me. Because I’m a quitter. And also much better off FW free.
Ivy exact same here. The marriage ending was all my fault because I wasn’t happy to let him cheat on me. Funny though, his story changed later to the fact that I’m just a bad communicator, too angry and boring and he had no choice but to leave me
I’m a bad communicator and I never forgive, apparently.
They have to blame the chump for the marriage being destroyed because if the chump was an unwitting victim then that must make them the bad guy and ohhhhh noooo FW can never be the bad guy!
I’m glad I have never known how it feels to be as entitled as they think they are.
Yes indeed. Mine insisted that it was “Chumperella’s divorce” to anyone who would listen -including me and my attorney. Actually, why wouldn’t I want to stay married to such a great guy? (cough, cough) The serial cheating, emotional abuse, financial abuse, pregnant married affair partner aside, a girl would have to be crazy to walk away from him……..
Same here, “my divorce”, “my revenge” (uttered this nonsense in front of the judge and our lawyers), “woudn’t fight for her”. Well… why on earth should I? I did fought a couple of rounds (shame on me), but soon realized the fight was rigged and stepped down the ring.
The entitlement of the FW who wrote this is off the charts. I feel bad for the chumps.
The elephant in the room is if this affair is so wonderful and beneficial why not tell the respective spouses of each whats going on if she thinks it’s so wholesome and harmless?
She assumes she is the only AP in that relationship when both are living secret non monogamous lives. STDs could very easily be an intruding factor putting the unknowing spouse(s) at risk. Even if other sex partners weren’t involved depending on the APs past.
Would either of these delight in his wife finding an AP or the writers husband finding another woman outside the marriage? I doubt it.
I’m tired of these people trying to peddle how good and wholesome cheating is. There is no virtue in it. Also the line that was told to me which was if I didn’t know it wasn’t hurting me. I have said to him would he be ok with me cheating on him as long as he didn’t know? That somehow denied knowledge is respectful. Of course he said no but looked like a confused stymied cow who didn’t grasp the point fully.
“She assumes she is the only AP” THIS. My cheater had multiple APs, none of whom he used protection with. Also, read this: https://hopeforspouses.com/dont-know-will-hurt/
Omar Minwalla for the win. Reading his work was the first step I took in my healing process. Quite frankly, it was the first time I could recognize myself in the cheating dynamic and it bolstered my resolve to extricate myself from the situation.
If you ask a random sampling of the incarcerated, you’ll find that prisons are filled with the innocent.
Every day people suffer the consequences of alcoholism and eating disorders. Many will die today. But they are not alcoholics or bulimic or anorexic. If you ask them.
Toddlers don’t steal cookies or eat paste or break lamps or write on walls with Sharpies. If you ask them.
The most telling thing she says is
“NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OF ME.”
The lack of empathy, the hallmark symptom of a cheater, is a blazing subtitle of every single sentence of this essay. And there are chumps in the dark who are unwitting participants in their Oh So Healthy lower companionship. Why are we not clueing them in and asking them what they think and how they feel and if they agree to this? Because what they think and how they feel especially doesn’t matter to her.
Fraud and deception and betrayal and lying and ripping off other people’s right to informed consent and stealing their reality? “Home wrecker” is a lot nicer word than the ones running through my mind about the stunningly disordered freak who wrote this.
But I do appreciate how typical what she wrote is, and for proving, once again, that cheaters don’t have a clue what the word “love” means.
She’s so confident of what she writes that she didn’t attach her identity to it. Like with most liars, it’s completely over her head that what’s between the lines and what ISN’T said is also part of the story, and the most important part. But some part of her decided to remain anonymous. The part that is so confident that she is right and not totally full of shit is not that part.
In my experience, turning up the radio as loud as it can go has never solved engine problems with my car.
Claiming that what you are doing is not hurting anybody, especially when those Anybodys are unaware of your actions, is the other glaring hallmark that the writer has deep and serious problems.
That is for the individual to decide for themselves, and NOT for anyone to decide for another.
I serve at my church organizing a security and safety team. We had a convicted sex offender who started attending, so I interviewed him. “Somehow child porn got downloaded onto my hard drive. I didn’t know, but the FBI traced it to my computer and I spent five years in prison because of that! I just want to start over clean.” He didn’t know that I previously read court reports. Three computers downloaded multiple times over several years and a paid account at a supplier. He was told to not come back.
Cheaters always have a story that makes them innocent victims.
The perv’s use of the passive voice “It just happened” versus “I did such-and-such” is the dead giveaway. What a weirdo world of thinking. ????
Well done UBT.
I love the way your gears seamlessly spin complete dribble into a streakless reflections of accountability and reality.
Extra basket of lebkuchen being sent your way this Christmas!
My ex told me his long term affair partner got him through my breast cancer ordeal.
I had a 1st, 2nd and 3rd grader at the time of my diagnosis and was still grieving the loss of my mom. She had died a most horrible death, from breast cancer with metastasis to the bone, just two years before.
I guess I was a bit remiss with not sending his mistress a thank you card for supporting his dick with such love and concern as his wife of 19 years walked through hell alone, still caring unflinchingly for my kids through the emotional anguish of a very challenging experience in my life. He got through it nestled in some warm side crotch of concern for his most frightening dilemma.
If that weasel uttered the immortal words “I had a lot to come to terms with” I am available to tell him where to get off so you don’t need to break grey rock no contact. Xxxx
I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you to face your own breast cancer ordeal so soon after losing your mother from breast cancer. That you did so with three children under ten is astounding. You are MIGHTY!
Oh, and your ex can go to hell.
I am angry on your behalf.
These loser ex’s deserve the title ex.. when it comes to family illnesses.
I’m with you on the breast cancer ordeal. While he did drive me to a few appointments, it was no more than a Lyft. I was promptly deposited at my moms who the kids and I were staying with because I knew he would be zero help. We were already discarded and he was into his long term affair along with prostitutes and other side pieces. I was diagnosed while pregnant and had a 3 yo. They are both young adults getting started with their own lives. I’m so proud of them.
They live on different planets. She’s so content with herself all the while their partners are being utterly humiliated without them knowing. Disgusting.
Makes me go through the humiliating feelings again after knowing and realising what happened with mij exFW
They probably know in their gut that something is off. But may be trying to talk themselves out of it, feeling like they can’t even ask for a conversation without proof, or they know and are spackling for the kids or some other reason.
And the kids on both sides are being affected, no question.
Narcissists have this mad faith in their acting skillz. You can fool the cerebral cortex some of the time. The heart and soul, not so much.
Those last two sentences were profound. I’m going to copy them into my journal. Thank You!
Cake eaters! Wanting more ego kibble!
Those two phrases were screaming in my mind as I read this.
Those two sparkly turds deserve each other.
Written from the warped perspective of anybody who ever wanted to justify something wrong they were doing.
“I secretly embezzle from the company I work for, but I’m good friends with my coworkers, my boss loves me, I do volunteer work, and I give generously to charity.”
Sheesh, what an entitled homewrecker.
“Our spouses have never been hidden; they have always been there, just as our kids have never been hidden.
Our families come first, no questions asked. Many times kids have had issues or spouses have been sick, and our time is put on hold. Never has this been an issue. Being good spouses and parents has always been more important. Being those people is one of the reasons we have been together so long. We love those people too.”
The passive voice gives one the creeps.
How far in the distance, in what far-away galaxy are their own spouses and children for these people? Or better, how removed are these people from their spouses and children.
And “being those people” = playing the role. So, so scary and creepy.
“We love those people too”. “Those” “too”= distance, contempt.
“Being those people” and “we love those people too.” Gives me the creeps too. She’s divided herself into two people, to make room for her double life. It’s quite scary to look into the mind of these cheaters. More so when we have to share custody with the disordered.
Transparency is key to their healthy relationship. The hypocrisy of this is not lost on chumps.
Keep telling yourself you’re not trash, bitch.
My father uses to have a phrase called mental masturbation. He’d say you could jack off in your head all you want and tell yourself it’s whatever you want but it doesn’t change anything.
There’s a reason this trash bullshits to herself but doesn’t tell her husband he’s in an open marriage.
What potent delusion, saying that they are open about their lives – with each other, within their circle of secrecy. I am sure that sense of surety would remain if those shared spouses and children were let into the circle too, right?
So what happens when one of their spouses, kids, or someone else exposes them? Was the fairy tale afternoons at the no-tell motel worth it? Just take a poll of the chumps on here to see how things play out for cheaters. Only conplete losers are willing to risk everything.
Thank you for that, I think they’re losers too, but my x feels that he won. So be it. 2022 please take me back higher to where I was before I met him and his entitled warped way of being.
Three thoughts:
1. If you have to keep it a secret from your spouse it probably isn’t good for your marriage.
2. I wonder how many other AP’s her AP has and how she would feel about that if she knew.
3. If her husband finds out and divorces her first, will she still be ok as the side piece for her AP with no desire to break up his marriage and replace his wife? I would love to hear her justification if she suddenly decides she would make a better wife for AP after all.
My grandmother had very wise words about marriage: “If you are contemplating doing something you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your spouse about, DON’T DO IT.”
>I have a date in a parking lot.
Bwah, ha, ha, ha. This letter writer is a class act (not!)
Please send me an address for cookies for the UBT. This one deserves a large box of “kockenblocken” or whatever they’re called. So this douchenozzle doesn’t think of herself as a homewrecker? Hmmm. So if you’re not wrecking a home or 2 why keep this a secret? I mean her boldness in her statements suggests a confidence that should overcome silly things like exclusivity, commitment, fidelity , care for the persons you swore in front of others that you were bonded to each other , that no other will share in that bond. Yet you feel as though you are doing something that helps that bond. Test it …tell your husband! tell the other betrayed spouse…see what that congers up! Who knows they might agree with your beliefs they might want in on the action, they might need some strange to help them become better. You know that won’t turn out so well…will it?! How about if your hubby comes home and says ” hey honey I’m going to get my nob polished after bowling league because I don’t really understand the female perspective ” oh my God I think we need infidelity ninjas that we can call to inflict reality checks
“Kockenblocken”! LMAO!
Also, “infidelity ninjas”!
Proof the affair partners are just as disordered. My fw’s latest Cu next Tuesday is just that, a disordered piece of garbage, she may have even written that little narrative. As much as we compartmentalize to deal with the cheaters, the cheaters themselves create an alternate reality. It’s truly psychopathic.
We take care of the children, make birthday, Christmas magic for everyone. Meanwhile they are living in some universe in their own head where they are superior beings that cheat and are somehow entitled to it. Or it’s not that bad, or the spouse is just horrible. Or hell, maybe they’ve dreamt up the spouse is ok with it.
Going along with the cheaters is like talking to someone with dementia that thinks is 1945, and they are the president. When we are complicit we join the disordered thinking, and then our minds do some crazy jumps and bends painting over who they really are. When really is more of a shared psychosis. CL is right no contact or low contact is the only way, there is no curing this disorder.
Good points, all, LTC. Especially about the shared psychosis.
Now safely NC, this sane line of thinking has recently prevented me from exposing the truth about my ex and his charming “new” girlfriend. Not new at all, but one of a handful who’ve been lurking and scheming for years in the shadows of my life. Not charming at all, either, as a few stories – or choice leaked emails – would make clear. I just can’t lower myself to take part in any more of their drama. I never chose it, and now, I am in a better position because I have agency and can choose not to be involved. It’s now 100% my responsibility. I can’t be complicit, for my own integrity and sanity. I am above it *if* I am above it.
Takes a spine of steel to keep going and not expose the truth. You are a strong human. I like the way you say “I never chose it” and now can choose not to be involved…. that sounds like freedom!
LOL. I read that article. Bottom line I thought is she’s not a home wrecker yet simply because wife doesn’t know yet. Or wife is silently preparing and has attorney and divorce papers are on way. Or her husband is doing same.
Either way, what a self-serving, brainless twat! It blows my mind to the extent a cheater can justify their nasty behavior.
Absolutely….she’s merely that guy’s dickwasher
I’m picturing something like a ball washer on the whateverth hole ???? at a golf course
God forgive me but these women are just glorified dick sockets and the sooner they wake up and see that the easier for us all!
The Homewrecker in my “situation” announced to anyone who would listen to her:
“Isnt it amazing that our marriages (hers and FW’s) ended at exactly the same time?!”
Um, yeah. Since you were both in the affair and both me and the other spouse found out… yeah really AMAZING that the universe presented you with this gift!
Ya, I like the term Homewrecker.
And I have no issue with hating them.
Both of them because my soon to be X is a Homewrecker, too. The OW had a 5 year old and a 9 year old… and their home was WRECKED. Delusional idiots!
My XW “explained” to our kids that she and AP were drawn together by their similar situations – namely, that they were both suddenly separated after decades-long marriages. She forgot to mention that the *reason* they were both separated was because they were having affairs (with each other!) and both left their spouses (coordinated ± a week or so) to be together.
Like most of what XW says, it’s not 100% a lie (in fact, I’m sure that the experience of sneaking around on their loyal spouses is something that bonded them) but omits some very important context.
This one really made me sick to my stomach. So she goes to her co-conspirator for marital advice and parenting advice not the man she is married to and has kids with; not the man she took vows with to do exactly those things with? Can there be a greater betrayal than that? Honestly, at the end of the day, this is what upset me more than the sex. The sharing the intimate details of our relationship and our family with his whores is what ended our marriage and made NC actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. This part of the betrayal just cut me to the core.
Oh, and the part about “our spouses have always been there and our children have always been there”, and “I love his wife” blah, blah, blah…. If they had any empathy for the spouses and children let alone love they would not be doing this and risking blowing both families apart every single time them communicate.
The author of that drivel is a delusional POS!
“The sharing the intimate details of our relationship and our family with his whores is what ended our marriage and made NC actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. This part of the betrayal just cut me to the core.”
Same here. Cut me to the core and crossed a red line (turns out, I did have one). So effed that the author presents this betrayal as a good thing. How honorable that my ex was sharing intimate (and fake) details about me and our relationship with a manipulative college girl he barely knew, who didn’t know me, and who I didn’t know existed. I was the martyr (until scorched earth) for triangulation purposes, a benevolent (but sexless) saint who he couldn’t leave but wasn’t romantically in love with.
I would like to ask this cheater how she would feel if her spouse were engaged in a love affair with another woman. Would she applaud that? Would she thank the OW because she recognizes that he’s actually a better father and husband as a result of his extramarital affair?
No, because it’s all about them. Always has been, always will be. That’s where the fun begins: when two married cheaters leave their spouses and marry each other. Two self-centered low-lifes trying to make a go of it won’t work. Someone needs to be the entitled sparkly turd and someone needs to be the toilet paper, which is how their original marriages were. The cool part is when we get to watch the whole thing end up in the sewer. Two big sparkly turds flushed down the drain.
She’d fly into a rage and see no hypocrisy in it. Because there are different rules for Speshul People like her and how dare we not recognize that.
I posed that question to Attila the Nerd and he admitted he would have been outraged if I had cheated on him.
The end of this article especially makes me queasy. “We are perfectly happy with the relationship we have. We suggest you make sure you are too.” This was EXACTLY my ex’s attitude. He had no intention of divorcing me until I got all uppity and demanded he quit cheating. Until then, he was fine, because that was his ideal–to have me and whatever else he wanted at the same time. Who cares what the chump thinks? Who cares if the chump is happy? The important thing is that the cheater is happy!
And this illusion that they are totally great spouses and parents is nonsense. My ex thought he was a great husband and dad while he disappeared all day every Saturday and never did any housework at all. Seriously, that man never mowed the lawn, took out the trash, or cleaned the bathroom–but he sure knew how to burn through money! He thinks he is a Splendid Person, while he lies and cheats and steals. I’m sure that’s the case with this homewrecker too.
Are YouTango articles even real? Seriously, because I have a hard time believing someone could actually be this far up their own ass in such a delusional state.
Another line of reasoning these entitled FWs use is that they’re simply more sophisticated than the rest of us common folk.
After D-Day my ex-FW kept repeating that I was so unsophisticated because I wouldn’t view her cheating from her perspective.
Lin-Manuel Miranda said “love is love is love is love…”. Similarly, “cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating…”.
“I may be an aquatic annelid worm that sucks blood, but I’m not a leech.” Said the leech.
????
hahaha
Thanks, Nomar!
She’s just another whore
Carol
Agree 100%
I laugh-spewed daal on my screen.
*mops it up*
AWESOME smackdown!
Just when we think we’ve seen the UBT’s best, it gets even better.
These OW articles get more pathetically delusional all the time, but the stalwart UBT keeps up superbly.
Award worthy, IMO.
She feels that her constant lying and betrayal are of no concern
Interesting
I almost couldn’t finish reading this disgusting post and needing to vomit. ???? Psychopath with narcissistic personality. I’ve been in this site for years and have read numerous posts but this one by far is a “whore” trying to rationalize her fucked up life.
Feel sorry for her chump husband and children.
Hopefully he’ll find out and kick her slimy ass out the door. ????
It’s so nice that they found each other. Both can fuck around and tell each other the lie that they are good spouses.
I’m wondering what she would think if her affair partner would have another side piece ?
Would she still think it’s ok?
You mean if she knew *that* her AP *has* another side piece?
What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her! He’s on a quest for aliveness, and his vigor is what keeps their affair healthy. Utilitarian! Really maximizing total happiness.
So your husband doesn’t know.
And his wife doesn’t know.
Why not?
She pompously suggests the chumps insure their own happiness, while denying two chumps the very information they need in order to do so.
It’s good to be Queen I guess.
Sigh. Mine was convinced I was/would be okay with his side dalliances because after all he never said a bad word about me to them, somehow I knew about it because I’m psychic (that’s your conscious you ninny) and I wasn’t really that into sex (empathetically untrue). Or maybe it was that he was into Esther Perel so was fighting the ennui of mortality or was it that he was emotionally unstable? I mean I was offered all these explanations… Could just be that he has a special flower of a dick that only gets hard through betrayal. The possibilities of self satisfied justification are endless.
Sure, and I’m an egg salad sandwich.
Hey, come on now. Even Pope Francis recently said ” sins of the flesh are not the most serious sins.” Top transgressions instead include pride and hatred. My belief is sex ought to be your highest physical expression of appreciation for the person you love most. One person to love and have sex with, just one. Not merely last call at the bar. Wish there was a vaccine for cognitive dissonance! Seems like it too is pandemic.
‘We are perfectly happy with the relationships we have. We suggest you make sure you are too.’ Advice from a cheating OW partner to honest married women… We are happy, we suggest you are happy -even though the relationship is not what you think it is because your husband is fucking around with somebody – who is also happy, the point is stay happy, like us ….WTF?
I’m going to rob people to make me happy and tell all the victims the point is they should be happy because I’m happy… I don’t care if they also rob, I just think they should stay happy….. because I am
“committed relationship” when I wouldn’t know an actual commitment if it bit my left nipple. But I like the way it sounds. Like “charcuterie plate.” Shahr-cooOoo-ter-REE. It confers gravitas. And bounty. So many wonderful men! Committed to me! #moredriedsausage
????????????
CL is hysterical!
I suspect she suggested they ditch their spouses, but the OM refused. So now she is biding her time as the side piece. She understands that if she tried to break up the OM’s marriage, he would drop her like a bag of dog shit.
She thinks OM’s wife is great. OM thinks her husband is top notch. If the FWB relationship ever comes to light, there will be no hard feelings. It will actually make their relationships with their spouses better! They will finally be able to express all the ways their respective spouses haven’t been able to meet their needs. Their spouses will dance so pretty and do all they can to be better appliances. Gosh, they will have BBQs and holidays and vacations together! They’ll make a Hallmark made for TV about their big happy blended family. If OM is ever unable to satisfy her physical desires, that OK, too. She will friend zone him and find another sex appliance because their “friendship” won’t be destroyed by erectile dysfunction. Their relationship is PURE. It is stainless. It can weather the storms of menopause and incontinence and herpes.
Now I have to go throw up.
Favorite UBT gem today = link to Ashley Madison research (cough cough) on favorite cheater dining establishments. That poll is hilarious.”Grizzled steak for dinner!” Bwahaha.
My vision of hell = eternally forced to dine in an endless round robin of faux fancy soulless chain restaurants located on the ground floors of equally soulless chain hotels. With a soulless home wrecker as my only dining companion.
“A fool’s paradise is a wise man’s hell.”
PS:
“Another way to look at it is that public misery and family instability increase general spending. In other words, cheating is good for business.” Thanks for that, Hell of A Chump.
The referenced Huff Post article outlining the Ashley Madison survey is a prime example of the business behind creating click bait content.
Why would Ashley Madison undertake a large survey of cheater’s favorite dining destinations? Besides the click bait generated when the survey results are posted/published far and wide, I bet Red Lobster and Cheesecake Factory adds are now streaming on Ashley Madison webpages 24/7.
The arc of public opinion does seem to be trending away from tolerating or condoning infidelity, which could cut into profits. Yes, just maybe, this Anonymous I’m Not a Home Wrecker post, and others of the same ilk, is a (poor) attempt to nudge the narrative back in the other direction.
I remember the Ashley Madison report included stats for side dishes shopping at Banana Republic.
Fast fashion. Slave labor. Synthetic fibers found in the ocean and babies’ blood streams. Side dishes are so empathic lol.
As someone who made a living doing investigative research for advocacy attorneys, I still can’t figure out how the propaganda to accept adultery relates to the porn and sex trafficking industry but I know in my gut that it does. They money trail is obscured but the clues will eventually come out. I know the Murdoch publishing empire (puppet master majority share holders of kink-pushing Vice mag) are invested in online porn and dating sites.
I felt nauseated reading that sack of crap’s words. Ugh.
Sometimes I get down. I wonder why I am not sufficiently admired. Did you not see my Instagram feed, Kevin? But then my Friend sits down with me, ruffs my hair playfully and says, “I’ve got a spare 20 minutes. Blowjob in my car?”
This!!! I was cackling out loud – thank you!! Captures precisely how narc cheaters can romanticize crap sex with another loser.
What kills me is the delusional that their contentment in someway creates contentment in their unknowing spouses. They think these betrayed spouses don’t live with a gnawing feeling that something isn’t right and ignore the fact that a discovery would destroy them and their children.
Insane.
Yes, this was my favorite part, too!
Merry Christmas week
It was hard reading this today. As screwed up as her philosophy obviously is, I heard and read the exact same thing from my wife – she even wrote an affair diary with these exact same thoughts. The emotional pain after d-day was almost unimaginable and I doubt I will ever get over it. I thought we had a really great life, wonderful kids, good jobs and we got on very well. When I accidentally found the messages, I actually collapsed from the shock as I just couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I have since seen this opinion about affairs being a bit of fun and helps marriages before and it makes me physically sick. I think you need to be quite deranged to even want to live this kind of double life – I mean, just imagine the logistics of it, let alone the morality. Why on earth would you bother?
As for what happened after all the fun is found out, as it usually is in the end, two wrecked families and 9 people probably traumatised for life.
D-Day was over six years ago for me but this delusional dumbass and the UBT really brought a lot of things back. I think it was the bit about the parking lot date that clinched it for me though. “I had lots of orgasms in his car”, is a direct quote from my XW.
I have two daughters and the AP has two sons. Six years later, I’m still processing what happened…that TWO families got blown apart etc. I’m not sorry I hit the eject button very early on; but not before giving the AP’s wife all of the evidence I had. It made for an interesting Xmas in 2015.
It’s good that the affair partners are feeling positive about their cheating and lies. Being able to justify behavior that hurts others is a special gift isn’t it? Their love is just that special and unique.
Does it ever happen that people regret having their affairs? Regret breaking up the family? Are there long and sincere apologies to betrayed spouses? Or is it like a switch that flips and there’s no going back?
It’s as if any empathy for the affected parties was nonexistent.
There’s one unique wrinkle to my story. D-day happened right around the time I found out my employer was moving me to another city (I got to choose between that and a layoff). So I now live about 5 hours away from that gang. The move started off as a real bummer but after D-day I realized what a mixed gift it was. (far from STBXW but also children). Once I was gone, the AP informally moved right in. It’s not a great feeling to be replaced that way, and I often wonder if he’s comfy on the couch I paid for or enjoys using my lawnmower. (Yeah, there’s a bit of resentment bubbling there – and I wish I could be meh on it).
Still, the best revenge on the man who tries to steal your wife is to let him keep her. On that point, I’m 100% there and have zero regrets. IDK if it’s a winning revenge strategy or not but it felt (and still feels) right.
I know I should not have clicked that link, but I did. Then I clicked a “related story” link and found this depressing chumpiness;
https://www.yourtango.com/2015260628/dear-homewrecker-hating-you-makes-it-easier-to-love-my-husband
This is a perfect example of chumpy rationalization, spackling, hopium and a pick-me polka that puts Fred Astaire dancing on the ceiling to shame.
Choice tidbits, for the faint of heart who dare not venture into the dark recesses of Your Tango, which I will attempt to UBT;
“You should know that I view my decision to give my husband a second chance as an opportunity. I am not a desperate woman trying to keep a man who strayed.”
When I answer to a charge that has not been made, it doesn’t mean I fear that is exactly what I am. Not at all.
“You may believe he turned to you because I couldn’t provide the level of intimacy he needed. But you’re wrong. He turned to you because you’re easy. He told me as much in our last marriage counseling session.”
My recovering lying cheater went to counseling with me and mumbled something to the effect of it being your fault for being easy, you slut. So gospel. And he likes me better now. He goes to counseling, occupies a chair, scratches his nuts, and occasionally comes out with nuggets of wisdom like that. I win the turd…(cough cough!) I meant to say the recovering lying cheater who bravely accompanies me to marriage counseling.
“If he stays and helps me pick up the pieces, we can do this and if we can do this, we can do anything. This is our battle, not yours, and we’re going to fight it because I want our child to know that no matter what, we tried so hard to fix this broken house, instead of giving up like I know you wished for.”
If he does me the great honor of staying, I’m sure it won’t be another five, ten, fifteen more years of fighting both depression and venereal disease. Of getting a boob job, donning thigh high patent leather spike-heeled boots, and otherwise pretzelling myself to keep Recovering Lying Cheater in his happy place. But even if it will be, the important thing is we are fighting this battle TOGETHER. These are valuable lessons to teach children. So eat your heart out, strumpet. You only wish you could have my amazing life.
“There are ebbs and flows in every long-term relationship. It’s not about whether life knocks you down. It’s choosing to stand back up, hand-in-hand, supporting each other.”
Until it ebbs again, and they suddenly, inexplicably stop holding your hand. They stop coming home nights because they feel asleep on the break room couch at work. They take the phone into the bathroom and stay there for three hours due to rampaging constipation. I’ll wait and see how it turns out, because I’m no quitter.
-Unofficial imitation not worthy of the name UBT off
I feel bad for this chump, but at the same time I’m pissed that she’s making a public display of how brave reconcilers are, unlike us cut-and-runners. She’s giving the RIC a giant humjob while patting herself on the back.
I feel even more sorry for the kid. If you read between the lines, she suspects this tool is going to cheat again. It’s a “battle” to get him to be faithful, and not even his fight, but hers as well? Pure RICspeak. It’s not her responsibility to keep this jerk faithful. Aaargh!
????Ever have those times where you just hate living because you can’t change shitty things?
“I feel bad for this chump, but at the same time I’m pissed that she’s making a public display of how brave reconcilers are, unlike us cut-and-runners. She’s giving the RIC a giant humjob while patting herself on the back.”
Yep, I have no issue with folks trying the recon road, but it does not make them braver or stronger. Both roads are chocked full of pain, and we are all in the same survival situation. Just trying to make a good life and get past the pain.
That being said, I personally believe like you, that there is no way for a faithful spouse to make a cheater not be a cheater. Just not possible. Either they do it themselves or it won’t happen.
“there is no way for a faithful spouse to make a cheater not be a cheater. Just not possible. Either they do it themselves or it won’t happen.”
She’ll find that out, but like so many chumps, it will be way too late. Yet another wasted life trying to help an abuser who has no intention of changing. It sucks.
Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe ???? Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe ????
Ceci n’est pas une pipe.
Also, I assume this is a relatively recent letter, so there’s the COVID risk, too.
Gah. I ache for the poor chumps who aren’t consenting to any of this exposure. It’s abuse.
Totally! It’s depraved indifference to human life and should be a criminal offense.
As a super-newbie here, all I can share is my
gold-plated gratitude after an especially awful day. I’m feeling like these shithole people win everything. I have a fifty-pound suitcase and my integrity. He seems to have emerged with the same false image, his new gal, my house and cats. I know I will turn this around, but it is daily footsteps through hell. Thank you, Tracy, for helping me laugh out loud and for reminding me that he’s the fool.
Aw, Liberated! Your sense of humor (even now) and name (and exclamation point) show you’ve got chutzpah. I too left my home with little more than a suitcase. As unfair as it is that FW ex (and POS AP) got everything, and then some, I wouldn’t trade places for anything. A year-and-a-half out, I’m sitting peacefully on my couch in my little apartment, watching my two new kittens play. I am not being mindfucked, and I am literally breathing a sigh of relief as I consider this. It’s daunting to start from scratch and make a life all your own, especially when you’ve been molding your life around someone else’s for years, but once you cut contact and accept it’s over and you want it to be, you can start filling the gaping hole with good things. You can expend your energy on yourself and what/who you love instead of wasting it on an abuser.
A fool you’re rid of.
Remember that.
Dear home wrecker, have you ever thought that all conversations about your marriage or my marriage or advice giving or taking is just not something I appreciate??? I don’t want anyone knowing my business or giving my intimate partner advice on how to be more intimate with me? And you don’t have a need to know one darn thing about my children and my relationship with them or their problems. This is an over the top invasion of an innocent person’s privacy. So just eat shit and die.
THIS. That’s one of the worst parts, the humiliation of knowing this stranger knows all about me, my children, my life, even my health problems. All without my knowledge or consent. It’s brutal.
That was one of the things that made me angriest, too. He had told this woman, whom he had only known for a month or two, about a very intimate injury that I had suffered (I had a 4th degree tear in childbirth, which left me in constant pain and with intermittent bowel incontinence, which was one of the most humiliating things I’ve ever experienced, the combination of which made sex rather terrifying for me, though FW took it as “you don’t love me or find me attractive anymore!”), which at that time I could hardly even bring myself to discuss with him or anyone. And he told her about it in order to illicit sympathy for HIS suffering because of it. Nine years later, I am more than okay talking about it, and actually did a podcast two years ago discussing it because I don’t want other women to suffer alone like I did. But that was MY choice. It wasn’t okay for him to be discussing my health issues with a stranger (a COWORKER, of BOTH of us). And especially not in the context of how much poor little him was suffering because he wasn’t getting laid as much as he wanted. He said that to me, too “What about ME? What about MY suffering? You’re so selfish.”
When I heard that he’d discussed my health issues with that whore, I wanted to throw up. This was, by the way, in the middle of him “apologizing” to me for the affair (justifying his actions, actually, while denying it was actually an affair at all). After he said that, I stopped listening and got angry and pretty much stormed out. And then he whined that I wouldn’t accept his apology.
I feel legit nauseous after reading that.
Hmmmmm…
My spouse said (remembering this because of a previous CL post…) “If you met her, you’d just LOVE her! She’s kind of like you. And we connect on about twelve different levels!”
And he also said, (reading this post…) that she said, “I don’t want to be the Other Woman.”
But she moved into our house with him (we had more than one house, and I was in one of the others, but had just remodeled the house she moved into…) she parked her car in our garage, she slept in our bed (that I had just bought) and she moved into our lives, without my permission…
None of what was said made any sense to me.
It just seemed like straightforward cheating to me.
I’m really not surprised by this woman’s attitude. Cheaters are really just delusional excuses for humans. I was *fortunate* enough to read some drivel exchanged by my ex and his whore, and a huge amount of effort/time was spent was them congratulating each other on what Good People they both were. Seriously? Ex’s major selling point he used to lure this bitch was what a great person/ father he was. You can’t make this shit up. They were just both angels waiting for their wings