An alert chump sent this advice column from The Times (UK) by Suzi Godson to the Universal Bullshit Translator for a proper snarking.
Q I have been having an affair with a man for the past two years, meeting up once a week. We have now decided to leave our respective marriages and get together full-time. However, I am worried that without the excitement of the affair, the sex will become mundane. How can we stop that from happening?
Cheat on each other. Why be mundane? Consider opening your Full-Time Get-Together to the public. Perform in a plexiglass box. If Maurizio Cattelan can dangle a dead horse from the rafters of the Tate, why not suspend yourself by a crane? Think of the excitement.
(Oh hey, it’s me Chump Lady. The UBT will now tackle Godson’s reply. Send Lebkuchen.)
A Swapping your marriage for a relationship that has, so far, involved nothing more stressful than steamy sex once a week is not going to be smooth sailing. Within those parameters, I’m sure this relationship is perfect,
Deceiving two partners and risking their health during a global pandemic is so un-stressful as to be unmentioned. #perfect
but take it into the real world and it won’t be just your sex life that feels the strain.
There are those pesky divorce settlements.
Affairs can seem to pour champagne sparkle on the domestic drudgery that defines family life,
You need a ride to band practice/chemotherapy? I’m sorry Cindy, Mummy needs her champagne sparkles and you are drudgery.
and the magic can sustain you for days.
Like meth without the bad teeth. #magicmindfuck #crystalrevelation
The minute you say goodbye, you start looking forward to your next hello.
No one says that about band practice.
That sense of anticipation alone ensures you are brimming with lust and overflowing with excitement the next time you meet.
I realise that you probably wouldn’t have had an affair if everything in your marriage had been hunky-dory,
Fucking around in secret is entirely permissible if you unilaterally decide your Marriage Is Less Than Hunky-Dory.
so it is possible that you have simply pre-empted something that was on the cards.
By Chlamydia, I mean “pre-empted.”
Research by the family psychologist Paul Amato, who is one of the world’s leading experts on divorce, has consistently found that infidelity is more likely to happen in troubled marriages — which perhaps isn’t a surprise.
… when one partner is a deceitful fuckwit. (Sorry the UBT slipped.)
You didn’t do a bad thing, the Bad Marriage made you do that thing. AKA the Dual Accountability therapy model. Blame the chump! That’s why we have therapists!
But his research also finds that infidelity increases the level of distress within the marriage.
Also found: bears shit in the woods, the pope is Catholic, Jeff Bezos is a space cowboy.
It is not uncommon for the guilty party to try ramping up issues to force their unsuspecting partner to demand change, or even an end to the relationship.
Because they can’t use their words to demand change, they can only fuck strange.
You already know what happens to sex when you sleep with the same person every night,
OMG, what happens? The UBT is an innocent machine. It wants nothing more than to cuddle the toaster and enjoy the warm glow of its grill and (XXX!) some sparks. Maybe some toast (carbs are the UBTs love language). It cannot imagine the unbridled happiness of a stable committed relationship with a fellow appliance. WHAT HAPPENS?
Drudgery? The UBT is a machine that eats pure bullshit as its day job, so it’s not dissuaded.
but you have no idea how hard it will be to keep this relationship fresh and fun when you are both battling solicitors and ex-spouses on the side.
Enjoy the frisson of the triangle (rectangle, dodecahedron…) now! Soon your ex-spouses will have settlements and new lives and you’ll be a bad stench they used to smell. You have no idea how hard it will be to be Fun! and Fresh! 24/7. One wrong move and it’s NOT HUNKY DORY. Consider your obsolescence. Dance!
Because you have sacrificed so much to be together,
The domestic drudgery. The unnamed suffering of unnamed partners whose distress doesn’t worry your steamy sexcapades…
you will both be determined to make the relationship work, but be aware that leaving the past behind is no guarantee of a happy-ever-after.
You still suck. But I’m sure you’ll apply your top-notch relationship skills to whatever troubles you. Create a dating profile, for example. Pre-emptively.
In 2017 the psychologist Kayla Knopp and a team at the University of Denver conducted a study of 484 couples through two sets of relationships, and found that prior infidelity emerged as an important risk factor for infidelity in the next relationship.
Several million members of Chump Nation could’ve told you that, Kayla. But you got a sample of 484? You go girl.
You are also right to be concerned about the impact that getting together on a more formal basis will have on your sex life. You could try to hang on to the routines that made your affair so exhilarating.
Are you worried about mundane sex? What you need are more routines! Why, it wasn’t the deception and abusive power trip that got you horny, it was suite 402 at the Best Western.
If you used to meet in hotels, for example, make a point of booking a night somewhere nice once a month; if you snogged in the cinema, make sure you have regular movie nights. Secret sexting? No need to stop now that you share a remote control.
He’ll never guess where it came from! What with those pre-emptive dating profiles. #noneed2stopnow
Once you are officially a couple you won’t experience the adrenaline rush that the secrecy of your affair generated. You can, however, achieve the same effect by doing activities that raise your heart rate and make you feel excited.
Just go for a run, the whole urge to fuck over innocents will pass.
People who have affairs are often risk-takers;
In that whole “I’m too chicken-shit to tell you I’m unhappy” kind of way. Or in that can’t-introduce-you-to-anyone-he-knows way. Or that signed-the-hotel-register-under-an-assumed-name way.
Boldly going forth! Don’t tell my spouse! I’ll pay cash!
whatever you do, do your best to avoid boredom.
Tether yourself to a car battery with a jumper cable. Bring the sizzle back. #zeroboredom