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And the Winner of the Xmas Cheater Freak Contest Is…

Thanks for your patience as I’ve waded through the tragic-hilarious submissions to Cheater Freak X-mas. The winner is: “Bag O’ Dicks.”

There was some stiff competition. (Sorry, I could not resist the bawdy pun.)

The entry:

I never had proof for years and D-Day happened because while I was putting a bag for goodwill in the trunk of his car I found his gym bag….but he hadn’t been to the gym in years. I opened it. It was full of dildos and strap ons….some of them were my personal toys. He had been meeting one of his APs in a hotel to get pegged.

A literal bag of dicks outed him.

Bag O’ Dicks, I will be in touch. (Eww. I mean, like I will send you an email. And a book. And probably some cleansing wipes.)

Runner up was the entire thread about cheaters’ excuses for covering their hickeys. Which apparently could be a whole Friday Challenge. Wrestling? A buoy snapped and hit him in the neck? She had an accident? (What, a band of leeches mugged you?)

And also in the Ridiculous Whoppers category, a shout out to Unicornnomore for:

He came home with a broken kneecap BUT he called me at school )something he NEVER did to let me know that he was injured riding his bike (in a city where we didnt live) after being chased and attacked by a ferocious dog who he said he killed with the rock that he hit when he crashed.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I BELIEVED his story.

but I now wonder what jealous man caught him fucking his woman and hit his kneecap with a baseball bat.

Wow, maybe CL could use the “ferocious dog broke my kneecap story” if it rhymes with anything

Frog spoke my wee clap?

Mysterious hickeys, ferocious kneecap-breaking dogs, and a bag of dicks. Happy New Year, CN. May your 2022 be freak free.

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  • Love today’s illustration.
    Congratulations “Bag O’ Dicks,” and “Broken Knee Cap” Chump me would have believed the same story. I would have even come to Cheaters defense if anyone questioned his story.

    • He probably got to the point where he realized that I would believe anything. I trusted him SO much.

      The idea that he would lie to me (and likely make my life harder trying to raise kids and work waiting for him to come home and parent with me) so that he could go fuck strange was such an unthinkable concept to me that anything other than that came to mind first.

      • You story reminded me of mine: FW left to “go run” he was gone for ever. When he got home, I asked what took so long. He said that he ran the 4 mile trail and when he was done, he was so angry at me that he turned around and ran the whole thing again. The thing is, it was his first day running EVER and he was a sedentary, overweight, pack-a-day smoker. Somehow I not only believed him, I felt bad that I made him run 8 miles by being so awful. ????????

        • MsMachete, I’d forgotten about some of the stories I believed until I read your “going on a run” story.
          Ex suddenly took an interest in reading.., he never showered at the gym but to save time he began showering at the gym then he’d spend the rest of the day at Barnes and Noble or “the Library,” “to read.” I wouldn’t be able to reach him by phone because he’s considerate of others and had his phone turned off. A few times I stopped by Barnes and Noble and the library to say hello. Apparently my timing was off, I must have just missed him, he could have been in the restroom or stepped out to get something to eat. Yes, I believed him…
          There’s other ridiculous stories that I look back on and shake my head on how gullible I was. I never imagined that ex would betray our family. I thought we were both on the same page and he valued our marriage as much as I did. I don’t know why when he showed no interest. Ex constantly lectured that he was a man of integrity, he’d go on and on. That alone should have been a glaring red flag. Men of integrity don’t need to tell you, they show you by their behavior. Bragging isn’t a character trait of someone with integrity.

        • It is good when we can get to laughing about it a bit.

          My ex in the year of discard would go out to ride around with one of they guys (Police Dept).

          Yep, I bought it for a while, I did get suspicious the last couple months.

          In my defense I was working full time, doing volunteer work that he had signed me up for and taking college classes. Not to mention all the housework (though not to his specs). I was too exhausted to notice anything. Likely was his plan.

          But I have mentioned before my favorite was the screaming fit at me because I ran out of salt. I remember just standing there staring at him like WTH. Before the year of discard he never acted like that. Even if we fought we weren’t yellers or screamers. But, that was when the light bulb went on over my head.

          Evidently running out of salt is just beyond the pale and certainly warrants a fuckfest with a whore.

          • Susie Lee, the salt story always makes me laugh. A few months before discard ex went into unprovoked rages over nothing. One afternoon he came home from visiting his “mom’ who lived on the east cost. I’ve always been able to reach him by phone at his Mom’s house but for some reason unknown, cell service wasn’t working at his Mom’s that weekend.

            I greeted him as he walked into the house, I asked how his Mom was doing and if she liked the gifts I sent with him. He turned towards me and went into a full blown maniacal rage, put his face close to mine screaming like a Marine drill sergeant.., you stupid, ugly f***b***h, grabbed the collar of my shirt and continued screaming, “I should beat the shit out of you but you’re not worth it.” then walked out of the room.
            At the time I thought he had to be suffering from a brain tumor. This wasn’t the man I married and certainly not normal.

            Other unprovoked rage inducing moments were when our then teenage son was playing video games and I had asked our son to empty the trash for the third time, I told our son from the kitchen, I shouldn’t have to ask three times… Ex gave me a look of disgust, then went into another full blown rage, screaming, for me to get off my sons back, to leave him alone. Ex was always a distant father so this took me and out son by surprise. Son loved it, he was getting a way with doing what he wanted with his fathers approval, something he never had previously. Looking back this was an obvious ploy to build his alignment with our son. Mom’s never happy, Mom is a nag, this is why I needed someone different..,

            It’s too bad we can’t share photos, I have a photo of Cheater getting ready to go into a rage. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be here today.

            I’ve got a couple other entertaining stories I’ve thought of since posting. I’ll try to come back later this afternoon and share one more.
            I’m having flashbacks. Lol!

            • I will look for the stories.

              It is still surprising to me how much alike most of them are.

              Did you ever read the Gerkin story on CN? When I first read it I rolled with laughter because it reminded my of my salt incident.

              What was really sad about that story (though I can laugh now) was that he ordered me to go out and buy ten boxes of salt. And I did. I was scared to death. Thank God it wasn’t too long after that he left and walked down Primrose Lane with the whore.

              When I moved out of that house of horror I left 9 boxes of salt in the cabinet over the stove. My mother in law moved in and I laughed to think what she thought of ten boxes of salt. I never told her that story of course. I really should have.

  • Big Bag O Dicks for the win! Whoop whoop (So Funny and sadly not so funny bc of the reality of what it meant for the chump). Bag O’ Dicks big hug for you Sista. I hope this year is a better one for you. The hickey coverup stories reminded me of my ex’s lame excuse for his hickey….”they were playing pool and she nailed him with the pool stick”. After checking his phone, the real story was the pool table was their fuck spot and they loved to bite each other like rabid dogs.

  • Well deserved chumps ….
    When all else fails, just sit down and laugh out loud.

    Truly comedic. For the Win

  • Wow, Im so honored to have my story acknowledged for its absurd horribleness.

    It actually took me years (during the Big Reprocessing of 29 years of my life) to figure out that it was crap. I was surely “Too Trusting” .

  • Congratulations to the winners! Woot woot!!

    Thanks to everyone who put in a story and made us laugh with the absurdity of it all. Love the cartoon, Tracy!

    I’m trying to imagine how Bag Of Dicks might put this accomplishment on a CV … ????

  • Proving you truly cannot make this stuff up. Who needs fiction with the whoppers they tell? Worthy winners all round. CL, Bag O’Dicks, Uni, thanks for brightening all our days with these crazy stories.

  • “Laughter is the best tourniquet,” was so funny that I re-read Hell of a Chump’s comment twice. On the third read, I finally realized the rest said “Worthy winners,” and not “Worthy weiners.”
    CL and CN are awesome.

    • I liked the “tourniquet” too. The pain is too horrid early on for it to be happy-medicine. That is what we do here sometimes…apply a tourniquet until real healing happens. Later (like now for me) we can actually be really happy. It’s a process, it takes time – but it works.

  • “Precocious lady let me at her flap
    But her husband caught us as I gave her the clap
    I told my wife, while trying to look clean
    About a murderous canine who was so mean
    That ferocious dog broke my kneecap”

    Urrgghhh sorry ????

  • I was running away for my life
    after he caught me in bed with his wife
    into my pants I did pee
    when he laid me out clean
    with a rusted metal bat to the knee

    Oh wifey I cried
    When my gimp she did spy
    “I staved off the brute”
    (why I was there to begin with is moot)
    and now I’m a hero to boot.

  • A worthy winner among some truly stellar contributions! I feel I have lived a very sheltered life when I come here sometimes ????????

  • Congrats to the winner! Bag of dicks was awesome, there were some amazing entries, so wasn’t so easy for you to pick one I would think. And the runner up is really funny, I think we can all recount some VERY far fetched tales these FW’s would weave for us.
    Somehow I still don’t see it as a deficit to trust someone you love not to lie with such skill, we just were never warned we might come across ppl that look normal, trusting and loving and possess none of those traits.
    Love the illustration too Tracy, that’s hilarious, a classic! Happy New Year everyone, always wishing you all the very best in life, we’ve already experienced the worst!

  • Bag of dicks. As I lay in bed I picture all kinds. Pink ones, black ones, studded, rotating rabbits. What a flaming freak. Do they make cards for such occasions? I feel Tracy could corner the market. Nicely illustrated greeting cards for the disordered. “ I had you pegged the moment we met” …

    • Your last line sent me into howling laughter. Or, in the vein of “laughter that staunches the bleeding,” thanks for tightening my tourniquet to night.

  • To this day (finally in the beginnings of the divorce process), my father scolds me for not using that baseball on his kneecaps 5 years ago.

  • “Congrats” to the winner! There quite a lot of gruesome ones but I guess this one is the most visually appalling.

    And bravo for the cartoon, which pretty much sums up all that a male fw is about.

  • I liked disco twat but it wasn’t really a story of a FW getting caught so was not a qualified entry.

    But I still snicker.

    Bag of dicks was truly a winner. I never encountered such a thing. You deserve a prize for being exposed to that!

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