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How to Deal with Taunting

Voodoo dollDear Chump Lady,

I don’t mean to, but some little sea-hunts are completely wrecking my life right now and I don’t know how to react and brush it off.

Caught my sack of shit ex about a decade ago now, he was in his late forties and he was sleeping with an intern at his work plus a girl from his gym, never saw their faces but knew they were 19 and 22. Stupid me tried to make it work but knew it was a dead end when he went on a week-long holiday “by himself”, didn’t tell me where he went, didn’t call me once, came home with such an excited energy, with shaved pubes (he was a Chewbacca of a man so it looked like he was getting ready for surgery) and excused the week AWOL as him needing a mental break but he knew I’d want to know so he wrote a journal…. a weeks worth all in half a page in a empty notebook. LOL whatever I had amazing bullshit detection by then so that was that.

ANYWAY, fast forward to now, my problem at hand. When I left him I moved into a gorgeous small town, I love this town, I healed me, I have been here for about six years and just before Christmas last year I started to notice a group of young women always laughing behind my back. At first I thought they were just being dicks, you know, that whole “Eww, you’re old” deal they get off on, but when their cackles weren’t doing much a couple of them approached me in the grocery store and straight out said “It’s no surprise [sack of shit] cheated on you, you’re so ugly” and laughed at each other and walked away, probably back to their little stone in hell.

So this taunting has been pretty relentless, but what can I do? I do not recognise any of the girls involved, the bullying is pretty extreme, I can only assume one of them was his affair partner or a friend/family member of a AP — otherwise how would they know? Sack of shit no longer lives in this hemisphere, so it’s not like it’s him stirring things up. It just sucks so bad, this place was my fresh start and I have been so good, I haven’t thought about the infidelity in so long and now these sea-hunts are just triggering me daily.

Would you say anything? If not any tips on how to navigate this one?? I’m at a lost and finding myself hiding in my house more and more.

UGH! I just did not want to deal with this anymore.

Hope you can offer advice.


Dear J,

What the everliving fuck? Relentless? Who DOES this?

I suggest you do what countless others have done to expose fuckwits: Use your cellphone.

The next time one of these freaks gets in your face, start the video rolling. Then you post that shit to social media and ask if anyone knows these women, and then alert local law enforcement and start harassment charges.

In short, protect yourself and widen the circle. If this former Schmoopie or gaggle of 8th graders or whatever they are is intent on provoking you — give them a very large audience. And potential criminal charges.

While I’m sure CN can come up with a bunch of snappy rejoinders, I would not try and match wits with a bunch of dumbasses. First off, I’m sure the Mean Girls thrill to the drama. Second, she (they?) sound unhinged. You left your ex a DECADE ago. Why the cat fight now? We’re not dealing with mentally healthy people here.

It may just be childish name calling, but who knows? Will they escalate it?

There are strategies to de-escalate harassment (aka micro aggressions). Here’s a piece I wrote for AARP on 5 self-defense moves. This one stands out for your situation:

Believe that you absolutely can defend yourself. Women can and do prevent attempted assaults. Just ask self-defense instructor Lauren Taylor of Defend Yourself in Washington, D.C., who’s been teaching for 33 years. Giving yourself permission to fight back is “life-changing” Taylor said. “We explore options and give people other ways to look at situations.”

The vast majority of violations are not physical, noted Taylor. They start with “micro-aggressions” — like harassment, criticism, staring and stalking. But abusers can be derailed. “Tell them what you want them to do. Name the behavior. ‘I need you to stop talking to me like that.’ Or, ‘Stand back.’ ”

If you encounter these nuts again, you could try both of those direct commands. “STAND BACK!” and “I need you to stop talking to me like that.”

Taylor told me that there is some brain science on brief directives. They go straight to some processing center of your brain and get immediate attention.

Also, educate yourself on self-defense. That organization has an excellent list of resources (some U.S.-centric but also international). Watch videos. Read up on these derailing strategies.

But most of all, believe that you do NOT have to take it. That you CAN defend yourself. And you don’t have to hide. Who is this bitch who wants to piss all over YOUR town?

Freaks often have the advantage of surprise. No one goes shopping and expects to be assaulted. But now you can make a plan and take back your power.

Could you run errands with a friend? Have you told people what happened? Don’t be isolated with this. The more eyes and ears watching out for you, the better.

J, just because some fuckwit wants to drag you back into infidelity-trigger land, doesn’t mean you have to go. Hold your head high and don’t let these pathetic losers rattle you. You’re healed. They are not. You won.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I am genuinely appalled by their treatment of you and so sorry you find yourself in that situation. I do not know what the heck is the matter with these people but agree that there is some basic lack of human understanding and compassion (unhinged as the article says, or very, very sociopathically bored?). I don’t have good advice. This would garner from me various tactics but I hesitate to recommend any and the ones above sound wise. I hope this stops soon for you so you can get back to living your lovely life.

    • My immediate thought was is there some kind of website out there that the OP’s photos have ended up on mocking her & these nasty chicks have seen it??? Like a revenge-porn site?

      • This was my thought too – maybe her ex has some forum where he is publicly shaming her and spinning lies. At the least, OP should google her name, and do some reverse image searches of her face.

        I personally wouldn’t be able to stomach searching for hidden camera revenge porn of me, but if I thought it was a possibility I don’t know what I would do. I might be better off not knowing.

        • Am guessing these immature young ladies know someone involved on his side or are being paid off by his side. No stranger goes through the trouble of doing this without payment of some kind.

      • Yeah, but what are the chances these women happened to see such a site AND happen to live in the same town as OP? Are they traveling from out of town just to heckle her?

        This is stalking. I’m scared for this woman.

  • “What the everliving fuck? Relentless? Who DOES this?”

    Yep. It is the fact that they seem to know something happened, and given it was a decade ago; how do they know?

    If it were just random insults from teenagers, well some of them can be nasty, but the fact that the insults are tied to an event ten years ago? They know someone.

    • It could also be, given her ex’s penchant for teens, that he had a much wider net cast online than she ever knew. He could have been messaging teens on instagram or tiktok regardless of location for years.

      Or maybe he started intentionally messaging/grooming teens in her town when she moved there.

      Either way, here’s what we know for sure. He sucks. She is being bullied by proxy, and it says NOTHING about her and everything about him. Let them all laugh their way right into the path of the karma bus.

  • I’m astonished … This is so bizarre … They behave like mean teenagers not grown ups. I don’t think they’ll become physically aggressive and I don’t advise any physical counterattack but do take out you cell phone and take pictures or video (you have the right recording people in public places). Try to find out who these little shits are and have a friendly chat with the police about harassment. Also, the idea about posting them on social media is good, too.

    I think it’s more likely that your ex is somehow involved, rather than one of them was his OW.

    • I agree. Consult the police but also file an incident report about the harassment. Be the first one to get this documented so there’s no chance of a DARVO situation should you taking photos/video escalate things. I know it may be difficult to be precise with the police but make sure that they document (not just paraphrase) your harassers’ exact words. You have nothing to be ashamed of. When I finally went to the police to report my ex “sex addict” husband’s escalating harassment I told them what he is. They didn’t even blink, just jotted down our discussion, typed it up and recorded it. I didn’t need to escalate to a complaint which would launch an investigation. Once ex realized there were police reports subject to FOIA he abided by my wishes and never contacted me again.

      You’re not your cheating ex nor these flying monkeys. Hold your head high and reclaim your town. So sorry you have to deal with this.

      • I think this is very important. Report the harassment as harassment NOW. Where and when does this happen? How often? Is social media involved? And so on.

        Then start documenting EVERYTHING that goes on.

        Finally, when you have gotten video and have a shot at identifying these people, consider hiring a private investigator to see if you can learn more about these flying monkeys. Once you have names, you can have an attorney send a cease and desist letter. CL is right: you want evidence and a paper trail.

        Do not assume that Sack of Shit is not stirring things up. The situation is that you don’t know who these people are or why they are harassing you.

    • Seriously, record and report it. Check the rules in your state first, but most recording prohibitions are for private conversations not public chatter. Also the legal definition of harassment includes actions to annoy and torment, I literally heard the law & order sound when you started talking about this. You can definitely press charges. And should.

  • Our small town has a neighborhood app. Maybe post video there to find out who they are. I’m sorry your going through this.

    • That was going to be my exact recommendation: find your neighborhood Facebook page or NextDoor and post a video. Go ahead and give a brief explanation, “my POS ex cheated on me and I dumped him and it seems a couple of his whores can’t get over it. They have harassed me on several occasions. The police have been contacted. If anyone knows who they are, be on your guard and report them to the authorities.” or something in that vein.

      • That will get her post taken down and her possibly kicked off the site, as well as making it look like this is a personal feud on both sides. Much better to use a neutral or fake nice caption: “Does anyone know who these young women are? I’m concerned because they were following me and harassing me in a public place for no reason, and I’m worried about my safety.”

        • Yep, definitely “just the facts mam” (I am so old)

          My security camera picked up a teenager crouching in our side bushes. I put it on our neighborhood site, and just said Camera caught this, likely just kids goofing off, but don’t want anyone to get hurt.

          Turns out another neighbor had just chased several teens away from his house, then he got in his truck to make sure they were gone, and this teen was hiding from the truck in my yard. I just wanted his parents to be able to ID him, and shake some sense into him.

      • Please don’t use inflammatory language on FB: “Here is a video of people who are harassing me and have been reported to the police. If you know who they are, I would appreciate you contacting me or the police with that information.”

      • Or, first, maybe spend an hour or two scrolling through the local NextDoor or FB page to see if any of the Mean Girls have posted anything there. Sometimes people like that feel the need to go public if they don’t get the attention they’re looking for. And that can tell you what you need to know without actually confronting them. Be sure to get screenshots!

    • Our tiny little town has a Town ‘Uncensored’ FB page. If you go out in public and act like an idiot, you will end up on that page. And that page is unmerciful. Then there’s the general public bulletin board, that gets the parents and church goers. …. Yeah folks are usually really careful how they treat others in this very diverse small town. You don’t want to get publicly called out in this town.

  • “Who DOES this?” Doing this says much about them.

    Why would doing this make anyone feel good? Or powerful?

    In fact, I think this bullying, as always, is a power issue thing. J, these dimwits are probably envious of your mightiness, of your independence . And I bet they are from families where the exmple is the opposite of yours.

    I’ve had my share of “no wonder sparkledick cheated on you, you’re such a buzz kill”.
    I always ask: what was the buzz I was killing?

    Be brave!

  • They sound so immature and I am so sorry you have to deal with that.

    In my pick me dancing days, the parasitic FW informed me that his 20 year old dumpster can and friends apparently said about me “What? She doesn’t know how to keep her man”. I was at a loss for words.

    Something makes me think they are also itching for some sort of triangulation because they need drama/gossip for their boring lives. You just keep doing you – that asshole and equally assholish trash are probably living in misery. Anyone that does that says more about them than you.

    .Virtual Hugs.

  • “It healed me.”

    I see this a lot.

    Mostly from women.

    No. You healed yourself. Know that and give yourself credit. Just as your body has the capability of healing itself, you have the capability of healing yourself.

    Other than that, I co-sign the prescription on dealing with this weird gang of arrested development baby women listed above in today’s post.

  • There is no matching wits with dimwits. You’ll need to dumb down and stoop low, and that’s so uncomfortable when you are a smartass of superior intelligence, emotional maturity, and mental health.

    Use your words? Saying nothing is extremely powerful, especially when someone is trying to get your goat.

    Focus on defensive ACTIONS. As Tracy says, they’ve relied on surprise. Now you have the superior tactical advantage of getting and being prepared with an ACTION plan. Walking away can be part of it. (There is no power loss in walking away and saying nothing. This is the number one tool taught in my DV intervention/prevention class. That doesn’t mean you can’t include other protective actions. But that one is always an appropriate part of a defensive plan).

    I really like going to store managers and letting them know I am being harassed while minding my own business and trying to shop. Getting help from the person in power is always a classy power move and it has worked for me in the past.

    Years ago, I was surprised to find an OW had become employed in my local ski shop where I had shopped for years. She thought it would be a good career move to lie in wait for me outside and taunt me. When I reported the incident with the back story to the store manager, she was fired.

    Ha. Ha. Ha.

    • Another incident of “shopping harassment” I can remember is when my daughter and I were in a coffee shop. My daughter, who was about six, spilled some of her drink. She went over to get some napkins to wipe it up, and a man standing next to the napkins thought it would be a good idea to berate her for the number of napkins she was taking. (We had no idea Peets Coffee rations the napkins). After Mother Grizzly Bear stepped in and told him to back off and educate him about disciplining children that don’t belong to him, I alerted the store manager who asked him to leave.

      A good manager of a shop will protect their customers from harassment, and it’s always better when the person in authority handles the boundary violators in an establishment.

      In another situation, last Christmas we arrived at our reserved movie seats during the previews to find some people sitting in them. When we asked for our seats, Other People’s Business Minder, Jerky McJerkoff, probably drunk, in the row behind, thought he should yell at us, criticizing us for “arriving late and what did we expect?!” In that case, we went to the manager who refunded our tickets and we reserved seats for a later show.

      My main point is to ASK FOR HELP FROM THE PERSON IN CHARGE.
      OW or not, no one has the right to molest or harass you.

      • ???? ???? whichever spirit animal works to rip their throat out ????

      • The manager should have extracted the sitters, and probably the drunk person, from the theater. But an attempt was made.

  • Talk about dysfunction. It appears one of them is the ring leader and the others are her flying monkeys. Yes, definitely time to fight back. You must have at least one friend that could capture this on video. Broadcast on youtube, social media and expose these losers. See how they like being called names (most sane people detest bullies) and treated like shit. Oh and feel free to send the video to their workplace.

  • I may be wrong but it sounds like you’re in a relatively smallish town? If so, make an appointment with the local police chief or sheriff.

    If you own property or even are a renter with a good track record, they are likely to be quite responsive to your needs to feel safe in the community.

    Not sure you have to explain the whole cheating thing or even divorce.

    Simply state that after years of loving life in your chosen community, some younger people (use general language) have been verbally harassing you and entering your personal space in public venues. What do they suggest?

    Mention that they might know an ex of yours because they have mentioned a name. That you are no-contact with the ex and have zero idea who these people are and what their motivation is.
    You have a right to feel safe in your community and you would like their opinion based on their expertise.

    Ask what your options are and if you could claim harassment with video of an exchange.

    I’m my experience, smaller towns love their good citizens and try to be as helpful as possible before something gets out of hand. No reason to think these crazy people won’t move on to slashed tires or worse.

    The above s not to make you nervous; rather to get you information and and learn what your rights are.

    Good luck. They’re pathetic!!! Not you!

    • This is great advice.

      I would also file a police report, and document everything.

    • Great response & I’d feel totally comfortable going to the police and following that script. “I don’t know who they are but they mentioned x.”

  • 1. Get a body cam, so you don’t have to pull out your phone, hired a PI to ID them, 3. Call the police and file stalking charges—make it criminal ASAP and file for a restraining order. Also, group stalking is more dangerous because they egg each other on, don’t assume anything. If you are in a store yell for Security—immediate consequences. They want drama, give them police records.

    • Agree 1000%! Am a victim of DV. Calling the cops and taking the legal route was the way I overcame the monster.

    • Body cam is a great idea. Also the PI suggestion (as I also said elsewhere here). Shopping with a friend for a while is also great because you then have witnesses.

    • Elizabeth,
      Before your post I was perplexed at what the writer could do, but you are spot on. They are stalkers and harassers. Groups are far more dangerous as they do escalate faster in numbers.

      The mystery is why??? How are they (or one of them) connected to the X? Why and where does this vehement hatred come from? Why so petty to insult her age or looks?? Usually there is understanding between women on cheating and heartbreak. None of this makes sense. I wonder where this woman encounters these cacklers? Grocery, park,???

  • If you post anything do not use the word whore or any other epithet. You want to take the high ground. Tell exactly what happens, and if you were lucky enough to get pictures post those. These women have to be in the 30s. I would definitely tell the police even though they can’t do anything but talk to these POS. It might make some of them realize what they are doing is wrong. Ah, yeah. Bullies have to be stopped by force, either by society pressure or the cops. I think NextDoor and Facebook are great ways to get the word out in the community.

      • I would make it public before going to the police. In a small town, if they are related to the police, a police report could backfire. Public shaming is surprisingly effective even when law enforcement does nothing. Find out who they are, then proceed.

  • Take a neighbor with you when you go shopping. But ask them to keep their distance. make sure you arrive separately to the store. Then let them film the incident on their cellphone from a distance.
    Take this, go the police or to a lawyer.
    I don’t think this is normal and I would be afraid for your security. It sounds like the type of abuse that could escalate. Do you live alone? do you have neighbors? also get a security camera for your driveway

    • Yes, security cameras–plural. You also need motion detector floodlights and a security system.
      Change your passwords, too.

  • Seems like which ever one is doing the talking needs backup to be brave. Pathetic! True bully tactics.
    If I were in your shoes I’d laugh, laugh loud at whatever insult they throw. Video them while laughing at them, ask them to repeat what they just said because it’s too funny not to share that someone after a decade is still talking about this.
    Remember never let them see you sweat. Nervousness is going to happen but when you start laughing, the look on their faces will be priceless.

    • This was my second thought as well. My first thought was to grab mouthy and beat the shit out of her but probably not the best idea. 😉 I really can’t stand bullies.

      Just when I think I’ve seen it all, I mean really and truly ALL especially after the bag o’ dicks from the other day, something new pops up and surprises me. FW’s are truly like herpes.

  • A video of the bullying would go viral on twitter if posted and get picked up by the online news. That’s really extreme bullying and has every element of something that would go viral. If this happened in stores or commercial spaces, security cameras might have caught it. Otherwise CL’s strategy of getting these tw*ts on video with full audio is the best strategy to shut it down.

    Figure out your state’s recording laws– most states allow audiotaping without the consent of all parties but 11 require all-party consent. Almost all states allow videotaping without sound in public spaces, some allow it with sound. Check local laws. If laws are very restrictive, arrange to get witnesses.

    But if laws allow audio and video without all-party consent, I think you’ll get the best evidence if these bullies don’t even know they’re on camera. There are hats rigged with audio/video and other gadgets that can be turned on remotely to tape surroundings without the subjects even knowing they’re being filmed and recorded. You want to catch them at their finest moments.

    I suspect FW is actively instigating this. I recognize the kinds of alien beings who orbit planet FW because something like this happened to me after I prosecuted a workplace stalker. It wasn’t exactly same because I wasn’t in a small town but I got threatened and then actually poisoned by the perp’s chronies. Because it was an active criminal case, the police turned the screws on the perp himself and threatened the flying monkeys with charges of witness tampering. When chronies still keot bugging me, cops performed a SWAT raid on the house of the perp’s main chum while the perp was there. A message. The head of the anti-terrorism task force led the raid and cheerfully came to my workplace in full uniform to tell me they had the perp in custody again. He also smirked and said these kinds of harassers/stalkers commonly enlist “helpers.” The raid was another message to flying monkeys.

    I inow, I know, cops doing their jobs. Stop the presses.

    As chumps and innocent coworkers, etc., we can get initially sucked into punching range by FWs and personality disordered characters through no fault of our own. But people who are fully aware that a FW is a FW and are drawn in anyway– including witting side pieces or other types of enablers and flying monkeys– are generally sick twists. Studies say this about collective bullies and mate poachers– high on dark triad traits. The attraction is the chance to triangulate and gang up on a designated victim.

    Whoever is instigating this, bullies are cowards and hate exposure. Get that evidence. The chain may lead back to FW. It sounds like a stalker move.

    • Hiring a private detective would allow that third-party to approach businesses to access that camera footage. Documentation!

      • I’m a big supporter of hiring PIs. They know where the legal line is and act as buffers between you and perps or people being questioned about perps. I find it saved a bit of money to be able to offer names to start with.

        • It’s also harder for police to dismiss complaints when a 3rd party is there with verification. I just saw some Dateline or other true crime show do a story on a woman who reported EVERYTHING, got a restraining order, etc. but police refused to enforce it. So I think a 3rd party is helpful with stores and shops, police and with gathering evidence for a civil suit or a cease-and-desist letter.

          • I never thought of hiring a PI to trail me. Brilliant suggestion. 🙂

            Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

    • You are right about it possibly being picked up by news…my friend and her husband had a crazy neighbor in South Miami. This nutcase harassed and destroyed private property. The story was picked up by not only the local news but also by CBS…dubbed the “neighbor from hell”. The media laps these stories up.

  • Thanks for posting this. I’m going through this right now with flying monkeys who want to scare me out of my home. My ex-h died from his own bad behavior (d-r-u-g-s, including Viagra ), but made lots of mutually beneficial ($$$) deals with people in the neighborhood. They’re mad I upset the apple cart and won’t play along.

    This is more than bullying. This is stalking and harassment. This calls for a Civil Restraining Order from your legal jurisdiction. Fight back anyway you can.

    • I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope you bust these criminal trolls and, I don’t know, experience some windfall and move to a friendlier and prettier place.

  • I’m confused.

    “just before Christmas last year I started to notice a group of young women always laughing behind my back.”

    Did this happen more than once? Same people involved? Same location? Shut that shit down.

    Have you been completely No Contact with your ex? Any remaining connection through work, family or friends? See “flying monkeys” in prior CL posts.

  • I’m so very sorry you are being tormented by these disordered people. Pay no attention to them.
    You are not alone – step over this nonsense rather than stepping in it – do not let it rattle your world.

    – Since DDay 2017 I continued to receive F-you phone calls from prostitutes right up to just a few months ago. The legal system will tell you to change your cell phone. ( ME? – change my phone ? Along with my beautiful letterhead, all my business info – NO- wasn’t about to keep altering my life for scum). Even though I had a restraining order against one who had a 169 page arrest record she continued to use untraceable burner phones – when the restraining order expired (after 3 years) she returned screaming at the foot of my driveway – in order to get another restraining order I needed to install cameras to have solid proof etc. The burden is always in the good person…. it’s nonsense.
    -These prostitutes and OW’s are generally psychopaths who thrive on generating a response. Non-response from you will eventually tap them down – they’ll get bored and move along. My fkwit had 40 plus whores so it took awhile for them all to move along.
    – The fact that there are people who thrive on choppy waters and creating chaos is something I’ll never understand.
    -I love smooth waters – life is friction filled enough without creating more pain.
    -Walk tall – step up and over these disordered people who seem to breed like guppies.
    – Do not hand your power over to psychopaths.
    —-Even if you have to do your best acting job in the beginning- get out there and do an Academy Award performance and live your best life –
    —The whores calling me describe themselves as “LA swimsuit models and actresses” Baloney – they are failed swimsuit models – failed actresses- modeling and acting is hard work – swimsuit issues are shot in Jan on a cold beach – I know – I did it – these psychopaths can only shelter in their apartments taking dick after dick in their mouths – and going out to shoplift and sit at hotel bars for more dick. These are sorry young dirty whores who turn into old broken bags – Pay no attention to them. Sending you that Oscar. Xo

  • I use shame in these situations, and make sure there is an audience. Bullies fold when confronted. I have lived in places where there is a predujice against my race and/or Americans, so it helped me learn about what to do. Also, as a retail manager I had to develop a calm and rational demeanor when dealing with irate customers. Being a small, quiet woman, no one expects any sort of defense on my part, which sort of adds to the suprise factor. The big key is to remain very calm, but resolute and firm. No swearing or yelling. Look them in the eye and describe their behavior and ask them why they think it’s ok to treat someone like that. Make sure there are other people around to hear it.

    I will give a recent example. I have a neighbor who doesn’t like me, which is baffling (I have my theories, though). Anyway, it was Christmastime and I had a package to mail. The small post office where I live is always crowded that time of year. As I walked across the post office parking lot, a man was pulling many small packages out of his trunk. As I passed through the lobby, there was a pile of small packages on the table just outside the glass door to the main part of the post office. Soon I saw the man come in and add more packages to the pile. I got in line, and the woman in front of me was the nasty neighbor. She turned around and glared at me a few times. I ignored her. Since I had ignored her and not given her the desired outcome of either anger or fear, she escalated and turned, saying loudly for all in the small room to hear, “That man was here before you, and you cut in front of him.” I replied that he had been in the parking lot when I came in, but how about we find out? So I left my place in line and stood in the doorway to the lobby and said,”Someone just infomed me that I cut in front of you. I’m so sorry, would you like to come in, and I’ll get behind you? I’ll help you carry your packages in.” He answered, “Oh no, hon, look at how many I have, and you’ve got just one. Go on ahead.” (I made a new friend in the neighborhood that day.) You could have heard a pin drop. At this point the neighbor’s back was turned solidly away from everyone and she was faced toward the counter, already working with the postal staff to mail her package, back stiff with shame. I spoke to her back and said. “He was in the parking lot when I came in.” She sputtered “Fine. I don’t care. I’m done with you.” I calmly replied “That’s probably a really good idea.”

    I think in the case of this woman, she could, in a voice loud enough for other shoppers to hear, ask them why they are doing this. Just look at them like she’s not fazed, and state: “You are harassing me for no reason. Since you’re obviously in such distress, let’s go find the store manager so we can discuss why you are doing this”. Go full school librarian. Others will slow down and stare at them and possibly intervene. Watch the brats scatter.

    Stay calm, and expose them in front of others because it shames and humiliates them. It bursts their fragile bubble of imagined strength and superiority. They will leave you alone after that.

    • Also, there are websites and kindle books for people being gangstalked with lots of good tips and techniques for dealing with this sort of thing. I have a relative who was gangstalked, and the information they gleaned from books and sites proved to be quite helpful. One police station in the area wouldn’t help, but another one did. Also, they took lots of pictures of the perps and put it on facebook. Turns out the ex had paid some people to harrass and was always checking their fb.

      • Fortunately the paid gangstalkers were forigners, not citizens, had were sent back to their country.

    • “The big key is to remain very calm, but resolute and firm. No swearing or yelling. Look them in the eye and describe their behavior and ask them why they think it’s ok to treat someone like that.”

      Great advice. Works for all bullies. I wish I’d used this method when dealing with my x (while we were still married, and he would do or say something hurtful).

      • Wish I had known this years ago, too. Took me a long time to figure it out. I still get the would-a-should-a ‘s.

    • I love your solution. You are not only on the high road, WeAretheChumpions, you show lovely manners and true class. You didn’t have to shame her–your good manners and the lovely reply from the man with the packages shamed her.

      • Thank you, LAJ. I was a quiet, somewhat shy young woman, definitetly lackung in confidence. As life progressed I had to figure things out, but honestly, when scenarios like this occur so perfectly I am blown away. I told my husband it doesn’t feel like me, it’s as if I’m channeling someone else putting words in my mouth and orchestrating the timing of everything. I do believe in spirit guides, so who knows.

  • I’m a fan of side-eye or evil-eye. There is an art to it that, when done correctly, instills fear.
    They have no idea what you are thinking or going to do next. I don’t dignify insults with a response.

    • My husband reaches toward his belt (or inside of jacket) for an imaginary gun or knife. They get the hell out of Dodge real fast.

  • Side point, who on earth over age _five_ says to somebody, “Eeww, you’re old”???

    That’s not normal and you don’t have to just take it either. Tell them, “Buzz off.”

    Frankly, if that’s what passes for “normal,” it doesn’t sound like healthy social surroundings. It sounds vicious. (I’m older than the letter writer, apparently, and this has NEVER happened.)

    Others’ mileage varies?

    • I support the idea of either a body cam or pulling out your phone silently and attempting to show the store first or posting with a “ stage name “ like on this blog. If possible taking a friend or neighbor to do this with you.
      My local next-door app frequently has ring doorbell footage of kids playing dingdong ditch, trashing Christmas decorations or stealing packages etc.

      Or ask s store employee if possible to monitor you from a safe but close distance

      My concern is if you respond to them verbally you will give them negative narcissistic feed and spur them on
      or be accused of engaging with them in an altercation even tho this is clearly non-mutual
      It will be sort of be taking the bait so to speak

      . I am sorry this is happening to you.
      What narcissists hate is to be laughed at but I think it might be hard to muster up some spontaneous laughter under these circumstances.

      As someone said above please let us know what happens We will all be thinking of you

      • Also to protect yourself, if possible use edit function to draw a line tru their faces etc.
        just enough so once again they cannot accuse you of attacking them or if possibly if any of them are under age.

      • “My concern is if you respond to them verbally you will give them negative narcissistic feed and spur them on
        or be accused of engaging with them in an altercation even tho this is clearly non-mutual
        It will be sort of be taking the bait so to speak”


    • A young woman said that to me once, she called me fat and old, thinking I would find it insulting. It was about twenty years ago; I was a young looking woman in my mid-forties, then, about 10 – 15 lbs. over my ideal weight. Since I don’t really worry much about getting old and my weight wasn’t too bad at all, I found it amusing, Usually when people taunt with name-calling it’s because they are unable to formulate a more intelligent insult, so try to harm you with whatever they can come up with to try to hurt your feelings. Going after someone’s appearance is scraping the bottom of the insult barrel. Bullies are often intellectually limited people who repeat the same tired insults. They have a limited reperitoire. (Think how immature and non-pursuasive it is when political arguments get to that point.) I smirked at her and it was obvious I found her to be utterly ridiculous. They hate that.

    • When the “old” epithet comes my way, I say, “Yes. A privilege which, if we’re lucky, won’t be granted to you.”

      We’re all headed in the same direction, baby.

  • UGLY! I fucking hate that word! First off I’m certain that you are not so. Secondly look who’s talking ! The very nature of their behavior screams ugliness . Thirdly , this needs to get thrown back at them for example , ” your dad didn’t think I was so ugly last night “! or “really?!,because if I had a face like yours I’d shave my ass and walk backwards ! , oh I see you’ve beat me too it”!. or how about , “jeeze you looked like such a grown-up, sorry I was mistaken , run along I’m sure you have to study for your 9th grade social studies test”. My favorite , if you can get it going situationally , I ride around town with my dog sticking his head out of my back seat window , a big slobbering mutt named Finnigan , once at a traffic light a redneck pulled next to me and told me that my girlfriend was really ugly , I looked back at Finnigan and said “hey Finn look your brother doesn’t recognize you “. Really J your best response is to ignore them and even smile in their faces…little fucking douche bags!

    • You’re from NY. I love it when I hear New Yorkers throw out insults at each other. Had a co-worker who grew up in Manhatan. No one messed with her.

      • WATC….I know what you’re saying and agree…but the NY I’m from is in the foothills of the Adirondack mountains…we still have a sharpness to us….windchill factors of -35 and 215 inches of snow annually do it to us

  • i’d get a loose t-shirt made up that says, “yeah, i made a bad choice in a man and got over it. you?” and wear it to the places these women frequent. let it do the talking for you.

    besides, the stories you’d hear? golden.


  • I remember what it was like to be young (20’s) and have married men hitting on me. Fortunately, they never succeeded … but they ALWAYS, 100% of the time, offered up stories of how monstrous their wives were, and how they were either “informally” separated or actually divorce (I’m looking in YOUR direction, Mr. Giuliani).

    Inevitably, the moment the wife finds out, the man is desperate to keep his marriage together. Plenty of young schmoopies have learned this lesson the hard way: any guy who’s lying to one woman, is also lying to the other woman.

    You don’t know what these girls were told about you, but they may believe you’re a sick monster. Maybe they heard it from FW. Maybe they heard it from schmoopie.

    Agree with CL’s advice, and my advice is “Living well is the best revenge.” These girls will inevitably find out the hard way who is REALLY to blame when a man cheats.

    • Guys like that always saying “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Of course she doesn’t understand you. You’re a cheating loser, and she doesn’t think that way, let alone understand anyone who does.

  • I can’t see how your ex could not be behind this. If you’ve never met these people, how do they even know who you are, who he is, and that he cheated? What motivation could they possibly have other than doing fuckwit’s dirty work? Somebody had to have pointed you out to them, be it fw himself, a schmoopie, or one of fw’s flying monkeys. The story sounds bizarre only if you believe that fw has nothing to do with it. OTOH, it’s easy to understand if you take it for granted that he does, based on what we know of fw psychology. You got away and you gained a life, so you won. He can’t bear that, so an opportunity to use these hoes to mess with you came up and he took it. I’d be shocked if it did not turn out to be him stalking you by proxy, or that at the very least, he suggested it to some unhinged pals who were itching for a fight. This behavior is so weird that they sound like they’re on drugs. Does he have a history of drug use or with having friends in a druggie lifestyle?

    So yeah, this is a police matter, but first you need to find out who they are, since the cops won’t take a complaint without the name of at least one of the stalkers to go on it. I would suggest hiring a PI to get that info before proceeding with a restraining order.

    There are lots of great ideas on here. However, in a stalking situation, you have to be prepared for the worst, which is that they are dangerous, that the police won’t help, and you might need to move away to where they can’t find you. You love your town, but is it worth dealing with this shit to stay there if the situation can’t be resolved? A fw who is this angry after 10 years is deeply disturbed, as is anyone else who engages in stalking. Be careful and watch your back. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and please keep us in the loop.

  • Recommending to one and all to buy and read Gavin De Becker’s essential book “The Gift of Fear.”

    Never take harassment or stalking lightly.

    • I can’t recommend enough IMPACT self-defense classes, recommended by Gavin de Becker in this book.

      I learned to throw a punch (NOT with a balled up fist btw) and how to use my voice. The course took place over two weekends. All the participants learned to use their voices, going from sharply inhaling and not saying a word to yelling “Get away from me ! I don’t know you !” Also how to be a bystander and recruit others. If you’re alone, it’s a terrible idea to intervene. The target may escape and you’re left alone with the aggressor.
      I was a little bruised from being grabbed by the suited “attacker” but it was worth it to practice defending myself.
      There are chapters across the US with classes catering to kids, teens and the LGBTQ. My local chapter has scholarships as well.
      I think it’s always a good idea to have your hands free (wear a crossbody bag or backpack on your front) and carry pepper spray in a pocket. And see who is walking behind you. Cross the street if necessary;I don’t care if people are offended when I do this. There are bullies and mentally ill people roaming the streets. Look what happened to Go who was shoved to her death in Manhattan.

  • The prostitute my x brought into our family life has called me, texted me, tried to hack into my bank, tried to friend me social media under other names. She’s a nutcase. Of course my x won’t believe it—I’ve started to think he enjoys her immature bs. He’s got nothing else in his life except paid companions, strip clubs, drug dealers. . I have my self respect, my kids, and a life without him.

    • I think he knows. Creepy, controlling people like to outsource their bad behavior. He won’t get caught if she crosses the line. She will. She’s as disposal as Kleenex to him.

      Go no contact with this ex-FW fool and keep a log of shady activity. It’ll strengthen your case if you can catch her. Hopefully she’ll squeal on your ex-FW. Karma!!

        • This; it’s all about power by prox. Bullies crave an audience and t these types often run in groups.

          Ex FW likely knew that OW (who had sent him a torture-kill list of women that she wanted to harm) was making harassing phone calls to my parent’s and sibling’s landline phone during the holidays. It wasn’t until I outed her behavior to her employers, her parents and elsewhere that she stopped.

  • Stores also have video cams so if you file charges, evidence can be produced. I’d hire a PI to follow me to catch them in the act. A body cam could help. Honestly, this would freak me out!! I might just freak enough and start screaming for the police in the middle of the store!! Sheez. Mean ugly peoples suck.

    • PIs are expensive. If the OP isn’t sure when or where these awful people will cross her path she could spend a small fortune and end up with no more information or evidence. I staked out my ex for two days and didn’t get any useful dirt. But my PI was great with the information I’d obtained myself – license plates, phone numbers, out of state legal and police records, even a picture of his driver’s license which turned out to be a fake. That was money well spent.

  • Video. SM Blast. Cops. Harassment charges. Protection order. Google.

    Don’t stay home. Don’t cower. Don’t isolate. Tell your friends and family. And don’t make assumptions of what your fuckwit ex is or isn’t doing at this point.

  • So they are only turning up on Campus, at the supermarket, at the coffee shop? By that I mean are they following you or is it just when they see you at a certain place either occasionally or daily (if it’s where you work, that’s why I mention something like everyone school for example)? I would be inclined to go on a mission see if I can get some info on them or have a friend go with you to that place next time eg if you always see them when you get your groceries at the market on a Thursday and get number plates for you and if you can get names. Definitely film if you can, but then next time you see them, oh hello Tammy, hi Britney, this has to stop otherwise I’ll have no choice but to take it further and go about your business. That should set them back on their heels. If that doesn’t stop things definitely go to the police and file a complaint. If they follow you, make your way to the police station and let them know some kids who seem to know your ex are following you. Good luck this is weird as hell.

    • Just by the by, did you ‘disappear’ when you left your ex I.e. didn’t tell him where you moved to? Because if he’s the controlling sort this then sounds like his way of telling you he’s found you. Sounds like his life hasn’t turned out the way he planned but yeah but yeah why would they do this unless money involved or vested interest. Perhaps one of his crotch fruit?

  • “ I healed me”. I saw that right away and smiled to myself.
    You are absolutely correct with the typo Freudian slip, you DID heal you!!
    Bravo to you!
    It wasn’t your little town, as much as you love it so, it was your intentions and an arduous painful process, a very difficult road to get where you are today.
    We all understand your journey and applaud your strength.
    You are a powerful force that was able to break the hold of abuse on your life.
    YOU did that!!!
    A superhero walking the paths of that small town with integrity, pride and love in yourself with your head held so high, a source of goodness in this world.
    You fought long and hard to earn that stance. We all know how hard it was to get there!
    You will not be cowered or made to feel “ less than” by these soulless destructive creatures that gauge the best part of their day in who they can hurt and crush.
    What the hell happened to them!?!
    Do not take the bait. A pitiable half smile for sadness of who they are, is all I would offer to them.
    I would not engage, these type of ppl LIVE for the drama they cause, it is their life’s mission.
    But, it isn’t yours.
    The only ugliness to be seen here is the hatred they carry through their lives every day.
    I’m not sure if your ex is somehow involved in this, I would say at least indirectly, if not actively.
    I think causing a whole eruption with the police, social media postings of camera shots and videos is feeding these people the chaos and drama they survive on, they would enjoy that all very much.
    It keeps them relevant and seen.
    It doesn’t much matter if the feedback a high level narcissist gets is positive or negative, as long as they are continually center stage in the conversation, they will take it all.
    It’s their heroin, they can’t survive without it.
    Cut them off. Put your insult blocking protective invisible shield up as you walk through and enjoy your wonderful little town and draw on the deep strength that’s already been proven in your core.
    Let these sick, damaged people destroy themselves, without any help from you. They are in the swamps, you are climbing mountains and have no place for such toxicity in your life.
    They aren’t worth one second of your precious mental or emotional space.
    I believe if they sense you are repelling their shockingly unwarranted hostility and blatant meanness, they will begin to realize that the stench of it only stays on them. They will be forced to step down.
    Just get out your Oscar nominated skills of simply not showing any affect by anything they do or say to you.
    They are broken damaged people, don’t let them destroy the hard earned goodness and peace that you created for yourself.
    If this doesn’t work, I guess you’ll be forced to expose them further, but I would, personally, try repelling their evil first.
    And let me add, I’ve never seen or met you, but I know full on that you are a beautiful person.
    Good luck to you.

  • p.s. Dear J,
    Don’t wait for other people to give you permission to live your best life now.
    Don’t wait for the disordered taunting bullies to change their behavior.
    The whores that called yelling “ Old lady you didn’t know how to take care of your husband and old lady you Fk” etc to me for years are sad pathetic and often dangerous.
    My Fkwit came to me recently saying he hadn’t been with a prostitute since 2017 and that he’s a changed man.
    I told him I’m all out of Gold Stars for his homework…his integrity, dignity, honesty, and character are for him to define, not for me to judge.
    He has himself to live with- he made his choices. He’s begging for another (40th?) chance- he has no power over me anymore – I might feel pain for a second still but I feel it and just let it pass through me like bad gas.
    Others may prefer to block the pain – whatever works for you, whatever gets you through the night, that’s why there’s 32 flavors at Baskin Robbins. Living Well is the Best Revenge. Don’t let those mean girls affect you – xo

  • A lot of Black people have learned to keep their cell phones handy and ready to record video because they know they may be treated very differently – very badly – because of their race, and video evidence can make all the difference in the world.

    I agree with CL that this is an excellent idea for you. It gives you power. Better that you go out of your house with an empowering plan such as this than feel the need to hide at home.

    I’ve also had a self defense course. That too is empowering. Not that you’re likely to need it, but again it’s the knowing that you have a plan which is all about not letting someone get away with messing with you. Better still, studying martial arts can really build confidence. I’ve not pursued it myself but I know people who have and they love it.

    Both ideas involve no words spoken on your part. Words are not your best solution. Walk tall and carry a big cell phone. And learn some self-defense. All women should!

  • Give them a bored look and say to the ringleader: “Girl, c’mon now. Why are you an overgrown toddler? ” Then look around at her friends and say: “Someone tell her.” And walk away. I’m all for taking the high road, but sometimes you have to put them in their place. Which is beneath you. Far beneath you.

  • I was the new girl in school too many times. I know how cruel people can be, they don’t need to know you or anything about you — you are just different, and they are just too stupid to do something constructive with their spare time.

    You have received many good suggestions for taking proactive steps to protect yourself. Cameras on your property and person will document intrusions and verbal assaults. Investing in this technology is probably a good thing for all of us to do in this day of random crazy. Please be careful, and ty not to go out by yourself, especially after dark. It is unfortunate that we are not safe to walk, or run, or even shop by ourselves. We are more vulnerable as a single against a group. Also, change up your schedule. I am very habitual, and it is hard for me to change days and times I have assigned for errands, but I force myself to do so. I also try to tell my son, or a friend, where I am going and what time I expect to be back in case something happens.

    Perhaps you will be lucky, and they will tire of this new game. I fall in the documentation with low escalation camp. If security camera footage is available on your property, or on store security cameras, it may be a good idea to document the intrusions with local authorities. It is sad to note that in some small towns, the police are not public servants. Some were previous town bullies and use their privileges to their own advantage. You will have to trust your judgement, and proceed with caution.

  • Agree. Identify them first so you know who they are connected to. Ask the store manager who they set, in a small town good chance the manager knows.

    • Yeah, hopefully he’ll 86 them from the store, and it’s the only grocery in town.

  • Get out your cellphone as CL says and record them. Walk after them if in a grocery store and ask them ‘what did you just say to me??’ Repeat that question a few times to them.

    A few encounters like this and I think the fun will be gone for them.

    I’d volunteer to them that you’ll be sending the video to the local police department and posting it online. And they will be up for harrassment charges.

    This beats saying to them “well, that’s rich coming from a pack of horse faced low lives who need to wear bags over their heads”. Though I bet you would want to.

  • My first thought was to carry a bag of full-size Snickers candy bars and when they start harassing you, hand them out and say “You girls sound like you need a Snickers”. And walk away.

  • This is just so *vile*. I’m so sorry you’re having to experience this horrendous cruelty. Unfortunately, the world is full of evil, cruel people, who get off on hurting others.

    No, you should absolutely *not* hide at home. The only way to deal with this sickening behaviour, is to confront it head on. Every time you go out, have a friend/relative, whoever, as a witness.

    Take photos/videos of these scumbitches behaviour. Right in their faces. Make the police department aware – this sort of psychological harassment sometimes escalates into physical harassment and threats.

    I would suspect this is orchestrated by your ex, or one of his whores, or both in conjunction. People don’t suddenly, after *10 years* decide to stalk and harass someone on a whim. The fact that these are teenage girls doing this makes me wonder if your ex’s whore had teenage sisters, who have been recruited. Nasty, *evil* little bitches.

    Stay strong, and fight the fuckers. ????????Xx

    • A bumper sticker “Stay strong and fight the fuckers” ????????????

    • A bumper sticker “Stay strong and fight the fuckers” ????????????

  • J, listen to CL regarding measures to protect yourself. They’re solid.

    If I’m understanding the situation correctly, you moved to your new town 6 years ago. Based on that, your ex FW was screwing around with these silly twits around 7-8 years ago? If that’s correct, at least the two you knew of would be pushing 30 now. There’s clearly a connection between one of these nitwit OW and the current mentally unhinged, juvenile behavior. Something is off. The only thing I could think of that would keep one of these OW still riled up, or angry, or looking for some sort of revenge through taunting you, would be if your ex FW fathered an illegitimate child with the twit, then absconded with her shattered dreams and his financial support.

    You mentioned he moved far away. If he skipped out on any support, financial or otherwise, for this kid they could be trying to ‘Nancy Drew’ him. Perhaps they think if they can get you pay attention to their antics you might reveal his whereabouts? Just a thought.

    Best of luck with your new life, it sounds as though you cut the losses quickly and moved to a much better future. Take CL’s advice and stay safe.

  • J – I am so sorry. Geez. I haven’t had to deal with that sort of in-your-face bullying, but have been iced out by my community – my “circle of friends” – after husband had a two-year affair with one of those friends. I haven’t quite figured out what’s worse: husband’s betrayal, ex-friend’s betrayal, or the abandonment of my community (all “Christians” too). What you’re saying about being in a small town you love, trying to rebuild, and then having this crap haunting you resonates painfully with me. WTF is wrong with people??

    • Weak people, and by weak I mean insecure, not too bright and easily intimidated, are usually under the impression that bullies are powerful. So they tend to align with bullies. Your former “circle of friends” are just weak phonies that hide behind Christianity.

        • My ex-h slandered me and I got the cold shoulder from mutual friends. Perhaps you are doing this so sorry if a repeat. I stopped any personal information to the ex and the “friends.” I disappeared from any places I would see them.

          My purpose? Narcissists need a target. If you are no longer one, they’ll pick on someone else in their circle. Soon, they’ll look like the crazy one and not you. Take care!

          • Exactly right. Narcs needs a target, someone needs to be the enemy. My philosophy is if someone is targeting you and you gave them absolutely no reason to target you…do not go on defense! Play offense and give them something to really be legitimately ticked off about without breaking any laws. Laugh at them, make fun of them, insult them before they have a chance to go at you. Anyone that has a problem with you going after your abuser but didn’t have a problem when they targeted you? Who cares, they’re just major asswipes.

  • The first thought that came to mind was more on the savage side. I would take CL’s advice. Don;t let those thot’s get the better of you!

  • Poster here. I’m sorry it took so long to reply, I decided to get out of town for a early long weekend.

    I’ve only just found this site, thanks to the books which I wished I read around dday. Thank you, truly thank you thank you thank you for the support, laughs and advice.

    I’ve decided I’m going to keep a VR on me, I had to check if it’s legal for me to record without consent and it think I’m fine since it’s for protection rather that publication, so hard to get a straight yes/no answer. The phone is great too, I have to get in the habit of having it with me, when I detoxed my life from my sack of shit I detoxed my life of a few other unhealthy habits namely being glued to a screen so it’s often dead battery in my top junk drawer at home.

    Wasn’t sure about getting the police involved but I went in and asked if there is anything I can do and even though this is a non-drama town, no COVID cases even, I was treated as a bit of an annoyance. Nothing I can do until there is a threat on my person, was told to change my contact details (that’s where they lost me because this is happening to my face not over the phone) and to install those ring doorbells (again they’ve never come close to my property, only get in my face when I’m in town.) So I’ve lost confidence in that avenue.

    I’ve never heard of micro-transactions and read the link, thank you for posting that CL!! They’ve only said something to my face three times, the first I mentioned in my letter, the next it was a weird rant about how monogamists are doormat losers, then back to the ‘no wonder he strayed look at you’, but I must admit at first I was shocked and stressed but now I’m just pissed off. If there is a next time I’ll be using that highlighted section “Tell them what you want them to do. Name the behavior” to get them to back off me.

    I’m still in the dark over the connection. I’d hate to think he cheated with someone THAT young but who knows, nothing surprises me now because when he realized I meant it when I told him I was divorcing him more of the truth came out, giant cake eating serial cheater. He was sticking it in everything. I think the more likely thing however is this is a relative or friend of an AP, AP visited this friend/relative and saw me walk down the street, creeped to confirm and now I’m stuck with what I’m stuck with. Can not stress how fed up I am with it because I reached that pleasant stage of indifference, finally, no more mind movies, triggers or unhelpful inner monologues you know and then this. I don’t want to be reminded of picking such a hopeless partner you know.

    (scrolling up and down trying to read everything, truly you are phenomenal with the support thank you!!)

    The chances I was identified on some sort of hate/revenge site sent chills but we dated before mobiles had cameras and I never felt the need to send a pussy pic so I think I’m good there.

    Yeah this could be him and his lies catching up to me, that’s what I have been thinking. He lied spectacularly to some of his APs, he did paint me to be the biggest monster trapping him in a unescapable cell of a DB marriage, he trickle truth that for months and finally confessed during a reconciliation MC session. It wasn’t the truth naturally but he really made me the villain in his damsel in destress fantasyland. If it is because of that belief, that I’m truly a nightmare human, then I think when I do speak up for myself next confrontation I need to be nonreactive or it will just fuel their assumptions you know?

    The other theory as to why is my ex is a hoover, has been all this time though it has been a lot less since he moved so far away. I can’t help to wonder if this is a hoovering tactic, get me to reach out to him. I wouldn’t put it past him.

    I’m sorry I can’t reply to you all, this has been grounding, helpful and supportive!! It’s still smacking me how bizarre this is but thankfully I’m over hiding out in my house… well after my long weekend catching up with some friends by the lake.

    Thank you so much!

    • Hi J. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      I’m a little confused. Are these strangers coming up to you at the grocery store? Your workplace or home? How big is your town?

      If your town is big enough that you can’t easily ask neighbors or colleagues if they know these women (surely if they’re locals, they’re somebody’s sister, neighbor, or niece), then I wonder how the heck they’re finding you, let alone 3 times. That kicks it up from harassment to stalking. I see a lot of people in these comments suggesting your ex is behind this, which I agree with, but how are these women finding you in the first place??

      Btw, police are often useless when it comes to stalking and domestic violence. If I were you, I would be documenting every encounter (time, date, location, what happened) and consulting with resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or RAINN.

      Bullies are one thing but the fact these women know how to find you is chilling. Also the fact your ex somehow tracked you down after many years.

      • It’s only a population of 700, we’re spread out on farm properties with a central hub, not much in town a post office that’s also the milk bar, a single grocery store, a single cafe/bakery, firehouse and police station, library, couple of taverns, bait & tackle shop, couple of farming equipment places, vet and vet supplies, one large single clothing store… you get it.

        They just hang out on one of the picnic tables near the grocery store and the times they’ve confronted me was in an aisle, most of the time the just heckle from the bench. Basically if I’m there and they’re there there is taunting but they’re not always there. This isn’t daily but it’s still unacceptable when it does happen. Unemployment is high in my town so no clue what they do, my friends don’t know them or their families. Who knows how long they have been here, I only socialize with my friends and they never crossed my radar until the bullying happened.

        I’ve been out of town but next time I go back and see them I’m taking a pic and passing it around to friends who all said they will help me try and find out how they belong to. At first I kept the bullying a secret but since I reached out for advice from CL I worked up the courage and used my support system and they’re been great, helped me with my damaged self esteem and it feels like I’m not facing this alone.

        I live on a property block, you couldn’t do a drive by and see who lives in the house I live in and so far there has been no indication of trespassers. Thankfully I do have a sweet but very nosy neighbor who lives close to my gate and always likes to update me when someone opens it “did you know X visited the other day?” etc, no doubt if they found my home she would tell me. I plan on showing the pic of the women to her too because she has been living in this town for over 60yrs and everyone knows her.

        One of my friends is convinced this is a mistaken identity deal, it’s just coincidence because I’ve been a victim of infidelity that I think it’s personal but it could be these idiots have truly mistaken me for another betrayed spouse.

        At forty, having been divorced for a decade, I’m just surprised this has happened.

        Yeah the police were zero help, there was only two cops at the station, the grunt and the superior and it was the superior who told me there is nothing they can do if there is no threat to my person. The grunt thought he was being super helpful telling me to change my phone number even though I did explain clearly this was only face to face confrontations.

    • Also, if you try to involve the police again, go over their head and ask for their superior. If the grunts at the front desk don’t want to do their jobs, you have to be the squeaky wheel.

  • update: Well I took a photo and when they bitched and whined about their rights I simply took everyone’s advice and stood up for myself, like the article CL posted I called out the behavior, said “since you are dead set on harassing me without giving me any reasons why I have taken this photo to show my friends so we can figure out who you are to my traumatic past” … well… unsure if it was me standing up for myself or the knowledge others will know what they’ve been up too but they’ve backed off completely. They’ve had multiple chances to tease me since that confrontation and not even a snicker is shared between them.

    Still would love to know how the know and what role, if any, they played in my past but the past is the past so I need to let that shit go.

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