I am currently living with a cake eater, although I am making progress getting her out of the door, we have recently found her a place, thank God (we have kids so it’s challenging). I found out 5 weeks ago (right before Christmas), that she has been having an affair for the last 8-9 months that coincided with her working out of the home for the first time after being a stay-at-home-mom for 7 years.
The usual dance, the first two days she was contrite and remorseful, telling me she can’t live without me, saying she’ll do anything to keep the family together. Then, two days later (Christmas Eve), I caught her having phone sex with the AP. Now she calls him every night, maybe sees him, I don’t care.
We have two special needs kids that I watched all year long while she went out with her “work friends” every Friday and Saturday with the occasional Tuesday or Thursday (who doesn’t need a work-week pick-me-up fuck?) I’m the primary wage earner and kid watcher.
Anyways, I am writing because I have some new golden bullshit responses to some of your talking points, specifically the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line.
She’s been using this one since the beginning, telling me we’re more like “brother and sister” than intimate partners.
So, last night I used some CN-like responses, specifically that she does not love me because betrayal and love do not coexist; intentionally hurting someone and loving at the same time is absurd. I said it was like she was pushing me down a flight of stairs, while yelling she loved me, and to stop gaslighting.
But, Chump Lady, this is the best part, her response was to get very agitated, and she says, “So, now you’re going to tell me how I can and cannot love? I am the only one that knows HOW I love. This is exactly one of the reasons why I had the affair, you always control me!”
Such pure, 14K gold bullshit, thought I’d share! Keep up the yeoman’s work!
You’re so controlling the way you want to disentangle love from abuse. If pushing you down the stairs/fucking strange on Christmas is how she wants to express her affection… well, just wait for Valentine’s Day. What’s next? A box of poison chocolates?
I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS HOW I LOVE!
Well that’s awesome. And not everyone wants to be on the receiving end of that “love.”
Who’s the controlling person here?
I have some new golden bullshit responses to some of your talking points, specifically the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line.
As much fun as it must’ve been to see the gears grind in her little fuckwit head, (whirrr! empathy? clunk, clunk… must invent more bullshit…), I don’t recommend responding.
Her actions tell you everything you need to know. She doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. Are you free Friday to watch the kids? The last thing you should do here is share your pain. That’s kibbles. And demanding accountability only brings anger. (Or self-pity, depending on the channel flipper.)
So, if you haven’t already, get thee to a lawyer. How beautifully she has fucked herself going back to work. May that work in your favor. Get yourself a settlement and the peace that comes with it. You’re already doing everything now, anyway.
R, well done not falling for her blameshifting, cake-y excuses. Have a nice, brotherly divorce. She can love you from afar.