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Most Creative Concealment Excuses

bullshit birdWhen I was working through the Cheater Freak Xmas submissions (winner: a literal bag of dicks), there was a whole subthread of outlandish explanations given for hickeys. He was hit in the neck with a buoy, she met with an unfortunate accident with bloodthirsty leeches, etc.

Behold your Friday Challenge.

Tell CN the craziest excuse you got for anything remotely suspicious on their person.

It’s okay if you thought it sounded vaguely plausible. (I suppose there are rogue buoys that fling themselves at unsuspecting swimmers…) But now we can laugh. Together. At them.


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  • She said her bruises on her thighs were due to her and the AP messing around with a horse whip that just happened to be lying around… Not that they were doing anything they shouldn’t lmfao

    • Yeah, mine FW got bruised thighs and buttocks too. That was before the first Dday. She told me she had no idea how she’s got that and I believed her because she do have a medical history of vascular fragility. I will never know for sure, but recalling now with hindsight her body language and facial expression while we were talking about that I bet she was lying. I just got able to spot some of her lies as of late, and it took 3 Ddays within a couple of months. Very useful skill. For 20 years I used to think of her as someone incapable of lying. I wonder how many hints I missed… ????‍♂️

      • vascular fragility….

        CL really must make sort of glossary of Concealment Excuses

        Bruises: xxxxx
        Crabs: xxxxx
        Gential warts: xxxxx
        Hickeys: xxxxx
        STD tests on insurance bill: xxxxx
        Funny bad breaths: xxxx

      • Really? You saw her doctor’s records verifying her “vascular fragility” lol! Or you were at the doctor appointment with her? Or, let me guess…she *told* you that she had “vascular fragility”?! Otherwise known as bruises easily in places people don’t usually get bruises…when horseplaying with her AP.

        • Dear threetimesachump,

          she has visible varicose veins spreading from the back of her legs to the top of her feet ever since she was a teenager, with many blueish tiny spider veins. Sometimes some of them bleeded and formed bruises out of the blue. Her legs and feet swell painfully after a couple hours standing. She also has a large hemangioma on the side of her bum. And yes I heard her obgyn say that she had some varicose veins at her uterus as well. She has gone through two surgeries to remove some of the malfunctioning veins, but they keep coming back. She also has somewhat frequent spontaneous nose bleedings (our oldest son has them too – and a hemangioma). And yes, she got bruises very easily. Our youngest son is autistic and has gone through an aggressive period years ago. He was just a toddler but his tantrums were enough to bruise her arms. After 20 years living side by side with someone (ever since we were teenagers in our case) you get to know something about this person’s health even if you are not a doctor (as I am not). Of course you can be deceived and blindsided by this very person you love and care about, as all of us painfully know. But *at the time* I didn’t see reason enough to doubt the mother of my two kids. I don’t think I deserve to be mocked for this. I think it was uncalled for. Maybe the issue here is the term that I wrote above? Yes, the portuguese equivalent of “vascular fragility” were the words she used to describe her condition, I just repeated them above automatically, but again: I am no doctor, I am just a chump.

          • It’s a real thing
            I also have it, but as a chump.
            My h had bruises on his back- when I asked him wTF is that- he got angry at me saying that I’m looking for a reason to start a fight and that he probably scratched himself.
            When I asked him to demonstrate
            “ scratching “ he was unable to reach the spot( shocker)
            I didn’t believe him- I was yelled at, followed by a silent treatment- I was the villain after all

          • Yeah, I have that issue to; not in the girl parts; but on the legs and really most of my body. I will come up with bruises and not even remember how I got them.

            My grandmother had it too. By the time she was in her 70s she was covered with them. Luckily for me, it has not gotten that bad; but medical help is available. Also, my mother had a really hard life for a woman; and that makes a difference too.

            I really wish folks would not come on here and argue with a Chumps experience. Lets face it, we wouldn’t be here if we had not suffered some real trauma.

            Chastising a chump for believing their spouse (even without evidence) Not Cool.

  • My ex FW left one night out of the blue to go get groceries at like 8pm. We argued a bit because I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was so desperately needing at that time of night. Anyway he was gone for quite a long time so I rang him-no answer. I texted and he said he was going to be late because the shops close by didn’t have what he needed and he had to go further into town. I was getting worried as the night ticked on. Then he all of a sudden burst through the front door and literally flopped on the floor saying he’d just had a horrible experience. He said there was a drunk woman stumbling around our street (we live in a boring suburb), and he stopped to see if she was okay. Well, apparently she slid into the front seat of the car and started kissing him. He was trying to push her off him, but she was just so drunk it all got very weird for him. He had to push her out of the car! He said if the neighbours saw what was happening they’d get the wrong impression so he wanted me to know straightaway what this woman had done. He was so ashen and shaken. I felt so bad for him! How dare that woman do that! I made him a cup of tea and then he fell asleep in my arms because he was just so traumatised.
    -Insert the world’s biggest eye roll here-
    That was about 2 years before DDay. I nearly forgot about that incident, but that was only one of many BS stories that never quite made sense but after DDay they all added up to him and his shitty cheating. A lot of his weird stories involved him being some kind of victim.

    • WOW, you already knew his story was bullshit when he left, told him so, and he STILL went ahead and pulled it off.

      Oscar indeed.

      • Yeah, and I get the award for being a serious
        Chump! ???? His stories were always so convoluted and weird that they somehow seemed plausible. Straight outta the manipulator handbook.

    • Apparently there was only one massage therapist in the whole city of millions who could actually help his back pain— 3 hour appointments every week. But hey, he had back problems.

    • Where were the “8 PM Necessary Groceries”, though?

      After all, the drunken woman “horrible experience” was on your street, so that would have been after his lengthy shopping trip.

      When we smell their BS and call them out beforehand, and they have the gall to follow through then come back home and continue the lie? Their indignation is universal. It’s so damaging.

  • He came home very late from work one night wearing his suit jacket and pants with no shirt.
    He said he had gotten nauseous at work and vomited all over his shirt and he threw it away in the office bathroom. I asked him how he vomited only on his shirt and not his pants or jacket? He was so angry that I was questioning him when he was so, so sick!
    I was just flummoxed about how that could physically happen and, if he were so sick, how he drove all the way back home.
    Still never knew what they were doing that he ruined his shirt…I wonder if he is still the world’s neatest vomiter?

      • I’m thinking too much of her bright red lipstick ???? on it (knew her for years and that was her trademark).
        I never owned lipstick!

        Yuck – ripping it off – ugh

        • The OW in my situation was also famous for her bright red lipstick.

          Found on his clothes. And she used it to write a message, on his white car, that she had stopped by.


    • Oh Rebecca, so sorry I laughed out loud at your story. My ex-asshat was always neat & tidy so I know I would have believed him if that was his story. It’s only funny as we are on the other side of fuckwittery.

    • Sadly, this wouldn’t have fazed me with my ex, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one. He often went out with coworkers (ha) for drinks, got sloppy drunk, and then brought home vomit covered clothes to wash…

      But he did have a habit of changing his clothes multiple times a day, which seemed like a bizarre quirk at the time. Now I realize it was impression management in the multiple lives he was living.

      I don’t miss it one bit.

    • world’s neatest vomiter……. aarffsttttttt

      It’s with laughs like these that I almost am thankful for having been cheated on

    • Oh! I had this too only it was the suit trousers! He came home wearing some borrowed shorts and said his suit pants got torn beyond repair.

      • I might have posted this before. He lost his good uniform jacket. He stressed and stressed, railed at me for losing it etc. A couple weeks later he came home with it, I said where did you find it. He said he had put it behind one of the file cabinets in the unit room, and it had fallen behind it.

        But, it became obvious down the line, whore had it at her house, or one of her lazy loads of sons had taken it. Anyway, he lied through his teeth. That episode is what tells me he thought he had all his shit and lies together. It didn’t occur to him right off that he had lost it himself, or left it at whores trailer, it had to be me.

        • Speaking of jackets.., One morning I was getting ready to take our son to school, cheater asked if while I was out would I’d take his work jacket the cleaners.
          Cheater had recently returned from a work trip to Reno. As I was emptying the inside pockets I found a receipt for an adult movie rental from the Reno Hilton.. I showed it to him, he of course denied it was his, so I called the Hilton to confirm the rental. Cheater became enraged, blaming me for snooping and invading his privacy.

          I remember being speechless watching him rant and rage over me invading his privacy.
          At the time it didn’t occur to me that he wasn’t alone watching the movie. Knowing what I know now, cheater being in Reno and his over reaction he likely wasn’t;t alone.

          • There has to be some common deal going on in these fws brains. All situations are different of course; but the cheaters seem to all do the same things when caught.

            Rage against the betrayed spouse because they are fucking strange; just doesn’t make sense to me, but yet it is what they do pretty much across the board.

            • Susie, it really is strange, sometimes I’ll read stories on CN and the stories are so similar I have to check to see if it was me who wrote it.

              I’m not sure if this is a concealment but knowing what I know now it could be.
              Early in our marriage Cheater had regular work trips to Hawaii (Oahu). His flight landed early in the morning as the sun came up. He’d go to his hotel room change into running clothes and go for a run.

              As he was jogging from the hotel a prostitute yelled out to him, and then somehow got him to stop. Cheater was wearing a t-shirt with the name of his college on the front. The prostitute stopped to tell him she had a friend that went to the same college. The college is in New York, I don’t think most people would recognize the name unless you lived on the east coast.
              Cheater also wanted me to know that if anyone he worked with said anything to me, that I would know what actually happened.

              I remember when he told me the story it made me stop and think for a moment. My guess is a prostitute at that time of the morning is probably looking for last minute business before sunrise. Small talk about a college t-shirt isn’t going to pay the bills.
              It could have been completely innocent and she could have recognized the college name and couldn’t wait to share that she has a friend that went to the same college..

              • Oh I am sure it was concealment in both our cases. These fw get up to speed on lying and covering up real fast; some have done it from the beginning of the marriage. I am pretty sure mine did, though he only copped to ten years of adultery. Out of a 21 year marriage.

                The first time I had a tingle was when he came in all excited and had to call one of the other captains for some reason. Any way as he was dialing the phone (ma bell) he said oh if you get any calls telling you I am fooling around, it is just someone trying to make trouble.

                But I spackled because after all, we were involved in politics and some folks were mad they lost etc. I think of all the chump spackles that one is the one I regret the most. I should have had bells ringing in my head the size of the liberty bell.

                The only excuse I can offer for myself is I likely knew by then something was off and I was going into the fetal position of fear.

  • Not exactly anything ON him… I just trusted him so much. Never in a million years did I think this quiet introverted man would ever cheat on me.

    So when he started working for a company that dealt with many international customers, I didn’t question that he suddenly had to sometimes “do later international conference calls” at his coworker’s house. She was just a few miles away and he started going at 8 or 9pm and wouldn’t be back until midnight.

    Or that he would have a “work dinner” but “only coworker showed up.” Or he was suddenly going on business trips.

    The good news is that it all happened between April and June (just 3 months) in 2015 and I was abruptly shaken awake. A friend called me because she thought her husband was cheating on her. While she was telling me and crying, everything rushed to my head like puzzle pieces:
    – all those “work calls” rushed to my head.
    – And meeting the coworker and how odd she treated me.
    – And how FW was now clinging to his phone and laughing randomly at texts that he said “were from the office.”
    And I finally was snapped out of it and confronted the ass.

    These FWs take advantage of our love and trust. The gaslighting is horrific. They can all fuck off. Happy Friday

    • I had a friend too that was immediately onto her spouse’s cheating. I admire her astute bullshit skills lol

      • Very early in our marriage, Cheater went out one evening with his buddy. the buddy’s wife called me all concerned that it was so late, the guys must be up to no-good.

        I reassured her and stresslessly put my head on my pillow and went to sleep feeling sorry for her that she didn’t trust her husband like I trusted mine.

        Now I realize that some shitty Godonlyknows was likely underway. He had me snookered, hook, line and sinker

    • Good for you MichelleShocked!
      Impressed that you could put it together so quickly. Sadly, I fell for the co-worker late nights, business trips, conferences, weekend work calls/texts/meetings.
      Wish I had known you back then.

    • Ugh, the late night “work calls”, the clinging to her phone and the chuckling at texts “from work”… oh, and the winking-blowing-kiss/heart emoji that I occasionally glanced at her sending to male coworkers that I begged her to stop using, to no avail (I rationalized that as she being too naïve to even realize the sexual undertones of that emoji).

      You were way smarter than me, MichelleShocked, kudos!, I was so stupid! This kind of shit and many more telltale signs were going on for *years* and I never, ever suspected of anything wrong. I regarded her as nothing short of a saint. I wish someone dropped me a hint.

      My XW planned “conferences” and “workshops” in other states miles away and girls nights out and concerts with a female friend that turned out to be her confident and accomplice. Funny thing my XW casually confided me that this friend was suffering from suspecting her husband was cheating and FW was providing her emotional support. I never objected to any of those plans (in fact, I encouraged them), but somehow most of them ended up rain-checked. Maybe my XW was summoning up courage to act on her desire to cheat on me and just balked at the eleventh hour? Or were the plans legit? I will never know. Maybe still having doubts about these matters is how much stupid I am.

      What I now know for sure is that one night, the affair in full throttle, my XW was sipping wine while listening to cheating-apologetic songs and simultaneously chuckling from texts “from work” (from the AP) and giving me the occasional smirk. Then she grabbed my hand, got me to stand up and proceeded to dance with me cheek-to-cheek (she was usually averse to physical contact). I managed to go along for a few seconds but as my guts signalled to me that something was very off I just freed myself and stormed out of the room (it was before the first Dday; she had been really nasty to me in front of her family all day, even mocking my job). That was a weird reaction of mine that bewildered myself. It turns out that sometimes our guts are more intelligent than our brains.

      Sorry for rambling, feeling a little wobbly today.

      • I wasn’t super wise or anything like that. If my friend hadn’t called me crying about her husband, I don’t think it all would have connected quite so quickly for me. There were other signs too… like being invited to a “BBQ” at coworker APs house and having her shriek “I didn’t know YOU were coming!” And FW going from mostly a calm existence with me to starting fights with me nonstop,

        The phone call from my friend though shook me awake. But my brain still didn’t want to believe it. After I suffered I confronted him and I couldn’t believe was actually right. I suffered terrible trauma. He walked out on me within the hour and that was it. He moved right in with coworker and her 2 boys. And suddenly my innocent 9 year old son and I were abandoned. FW never returned and I served him 2 weeks later.

        It’s still surreal looking back on it.

        • Yeah, that experience of betrayal and abandonment by our life partner and the other parent of our children never ceases to look surreal, I guess.

          I am so sorry you and your boy have gone through this. But I am sure your son is better now, because he’s got a great mom modelling strength and dignity for him.

          You served your FW immediately, that was so mighty of you!

          I wish you and your son healing, strength and peace, and wish your XH and his AP the raging fires of hell.

  • He had scratches on his back. I was stroking his back & I was so concerned that I immediately sat up & turned the light on! He gave me some story about tangling with tree branches. Mmm…kay.
    I blame my parents for making me so gullible????

    • I wondered after D-day if he was either relieved or secretly laughed at how gullible & dumb I was to buy into his ‘splaining? That haunts me still here & there ????

      • OMGGGG

        I only just remembered the scratches in his back!!

        Not just once.

        OF COURSE he got them when he was running shirtless out on a bush track (translation for non-Australian, in the woods).

        Ten years going to gay saunas.

        And after Dday he once said:
        “I’m a very good liar, and you were SO easy to lie to.”

        • Well, he WAS running shirtless on a bush track, amirite? Some FW just say ‘laying pipe’ or ‘splitting wood’ or ‘plowing the field’ but yours has a nice regional flair.

        • What a dick. I also got the line that I was easy to lie to, but it was kind of like he was actually annoyed at how dumb I was. He said to me at DDay, “what did you think has been happening?” And I said, “I thought you were stressed and busy with work because that’s what you told me.” He literally rolled his eyes at me.

          • “I thought you were stressed and busy with work because that’s what you told me.”

            That was the perfect response.

            My fw told me the same shit and I bought it.

            He also about two months before Dday, said to my best friend while we were working at a volunteer event where a random whore put her hands over his eyes and said guess who, while hanging on his back. He said: “Susie wouldn’t believe I was running around unless I told her” I said yes you are right. But that was the first and only lie I ever told him, because it was that very night because of that incident that the lightbulb went on. I knew he was involved with a woman; just didn’t know who.

            It wasn’t random whore, she turned out to be exit whores best friend. Evidently she was working with whore to get it out in the open and get rid of me.

        • I never saw/noticed the back scratches, but I got to read ALL about them. Big deal with not just one, but two APs. Evidently, college girls love scratching older men’s backs.

          Back scratch feee-vah!

          • Mine too!!!
            However, he was unable to repeat that in front of me….place hard to get- unless someone else is scratching you

      • Mine admitted he had made fun of me to his whore about how I hadn’t figured it out
        That was him, telling the truth occasionally when it was something painful for me. I think he believed he’s get points for honesty in addition to having his sadistic jollies. Nope.
        It only helped me to decide that he is the lowest of the low amd dump his ass.

        I just assume that anything shitty they could have done, they did.

          • Perfect example of DARVO Sandyfeet. It’s not cheater’s fault he is a psychopath and being sadistic – it’s your fault for being a target / empath and for being his victim ????‍♀️

          • You being trusting is not a flaw; it is a normal thing in a marriage. But, sometimes it is used against us.

            I remember the night fw told my best friend right in front of me after a random whore had hung all over him; that Susie wouldn’t believe he was fooling around unless he told me himself.

            He was right, I wouldn’t have; until that night when he said that. That along with the random whore; and the way he had been acting the last couple months was when the light bulb went on.

            Random whore was not his current whore; she was the best friend of his current whore.

        • Not on topic, but I remember when he told me in Marriage Conning that I had never satisfied him sexually. When I told him how much that hurt to hear, he said “ well you wanted me to be honest!” It took a couple years more of pick-me-dancing and psychology torture to discover that truth was not an indictment of me, but rather a trickle truth about his insatiable need for cheating.

    • Navigator, Fuckface had scratches on his back. Multiple scratches in a regular pattern. I expressed my concern. He said they were from working on the car. He was working on something alright. It was odd to me how much time he spent at a friend’s garage and yet the cars were never fixed. The dashboard looked like a Christmas Tree what with all the lights. I started checking to see if he really was at the garage. He was not.

      • Yes! I saw scratches on klootzak’s back when he got out of the shower. He said the same thing; they were from crawling under the car to work on it. He actually did do work on his car at times, so it was totally plausible.

        He’s a cheating liar who lies.

    • Same here, four distinct, scabby claw marks on the back of his right shoulder. He got them from trimming the hedges. Through a ski parka. In winter.
      Well come to think of it, no, not through parka since he gets hot working outdoors even in winter. Through a sweater.
      Never mind deciduous hedges don’t grow in winter.

      There is one value to the otherwise monumental waste of time of wreckonciliation: though it’s hardly funny at the time, the “full disclosure” process provides some comedy fodder later and also clears up a few WTFs. The claw mark thing happened during a period when the AP was throwing weepy-pouty-withdrawal-of-sex campaigns and amping up the pressure on FW to dump his family, including flushing her birth control pills (which she told a big-mouthed coworker, not FW). FW probably didn’t even feel her carving a little divorce-expediting message on his back because he was drunk 12 hours a day at that point. The AP had to do all the driving because FW’s blood was 40% bourbon.

      Those were serious scratches. I imagine there’s a side piece step-by-step guide somewhere on the web quoting the Kamasutra about “marking” the married quarry. A Sharpied “Property of Shmoopie” would have been a modern twist.

      • That can actually kill the plants of it’s done in the dead of winter, depending on the temperatures where you are. When they are dormant they should be left alone.
        What an idiot.

        Gotta love how the schmoops are weepy and pouty and manipulative, but somehow better than a level headed spouse. I guess all that “proves she loves me” in their demented minds.

        • Of all the indignities of infidelity, that’s up there. The “weepy and pouty and manipulative” OW who turns into a stalker and threatens to kill herself when a fuckwit who she’s known for a few months “tries to” end it deserves comfort and understanding? Her “hurt” matters and flatters – and is even seen as appealing and passionate? Yet the long term partner who’s taken everything like a chump for years, and who is literally FAMILY, elicits ridicule, repulsion and rage?

          • Yes, I heard several times how “heart-rending” Shmoopie’s tears and howls were when she was unceremoniously dumped by phone on d-day. But when I lost four kilos in two weeks and passed out at the doctor’s office a week before d-day, it was suggested with a sneer that I had an eating disorder and was an unfit parent.

            Poor Smoops. Cut from the kids’ college fund. No more free booze. The sorrow and the suffering.

            Thank God for the family doctor. She believed me when I explained I was eating but the stress was burning it all off. She ran a cortisol test and every other panel and agreed that it was stress, not anorexia. She was no help to FW’s demonization/DARVO campaign and not-so-subtle threat to my custody of the children. Poor FW.

            When I got the STI panel after D-Day and has to explain to the gyn at the practice that it was because FW cheated, the family doctor simply halted FW’s Viagra prescription without a word, sending him to scrounge sildenfil from dodgy sources on the web. She voted with her prescription pad. No pity for sparkle dick and sparkle twat. Wail.

        • Actually Shmoop’s “hedges” were trimmed professionally. The fillowing is funny/not funny (but funny again because I’m still in one piece): Because our marital assets covered Shmoop’s sizeable booze bills and other lifestyle amenities that she couldn’t pay for out of her own salary, it apparently afforded her fast fashion retail sprees and full butt waxing, the latter at $80 a pop every two to three weeks.

          The things we find out in full disclosure, yikes. The reason I asked FW for that info is that, aside from my PI snapping pix of Shmoops running (like literally running. Where’s the fire, ?????) into a bikini waxing salon while on a tail (the PI and I couldn’t stop laughing at that one), it seems full butthole waxers are prone to contracting MRSA, which the CDC has designated sexually transmissible.

          It’s happened that people have had to have parts of their genitals removed due to MRSA due to waxing or contact with someone who contracted it sexually. Just as scary is that some are silent carriers.

              • It definitely gets funnier with the passage of time. If only there was a gallows humor pill newly minted chumps could take to ease those first six months post discovery.

                To quote a comedian whose name I forget, that first few months is like a thousand years of German humor.

    • Oh I remember the scratches and marks. I’m he always said he would get scratched by branches while in the woods (he supposedly enjoyed hunting). I remember a large flank bruise once and he said he had fallen and landed on the boat trailer. The shape was not anywhere near what that would have looked like. I am not sure wth he was doing to get a large bad bruise on his flank area. He also came home from a “work trip” with a back injury. He ended up in physical therapy for months after that. I have no clue what he was up to but that is not normal.

      • Men reportedly often fracture their dicks during affairs. I’m assuming this has something to do with a combo of booze, sildenafil and frantically pretending to be 25.

            • Hear that, CL? We need a cartoon of the FW rendition of so-called “peyronie’s disease” which seems to be endemic since the advent of streaming porn.

              To be fair, is there a female telltale sign of excessive wankery and extracurricular schtupping? I guess it verges on misogyny to get into the stretched-out coochie territory since so many cheaters use this as an excuse to cheat on postpartum chumps. It’s a muscle, it tends to bounce back so not exactly a fair or tailored jab. But maybe telltale cheater/shmoopie-scaping?

        • Ex broke his dick and blamed me. But he’d kept it under wraps literally and figuratively for awhile by only having sex in the dark. So when I finally found out, he told me an elaborate tale of exactly how my vigorous sexual appetite had injured him and how much pain he had felt but was afraid to tell me all this time. When he finished his tale I calmly asked him what day it happened. When he sputtered I asked if it was it a weekday after work or a weekend. I had my phone out looking at our shared calendar that had a good deal of travel apart. He said he couldn’t remember. Sure, graphic detail of how it was my fault but couldn’t remember anything about the day it happened.

    • OMG the scratches! I completely forgot about those. Douchecanoe told me his back was itchy all day at work because the launderer starched his shirts too much. Of course chumpy me didn’t find it odd that after years at the same cleaners the starch was suddenly a problem. I’ve always had sensitive skin and am very careful with how I clean my clothes. What a perfect lie!

    • Mine told me the scratches were from a piece of tile in the bathroom that he uses as a back scratcher. What an idiot.

  • Mine told me he was burned on his clavicle by a spark from a welding torch. He’s in construction so I bought it. But… he isn’t a welder. So, jokes on me!

  • Nah, if you had pointed that out, he would’ve just told you he was helping his welding co-worker. Don’t blame yourself for believing him.They got their bs covered at all angles ????

      • That is the only line XH can come up with: “You’re crazy.” He really doesn’t even have the wherewithal to elaborate on it either. Just “You’re crazy.”

      • Right. Ex said to daughter after she confronted him after he was late for another family get together, “Mom thinks you’re cheating on her”. Him “Mom’s crazy,I would never do that”

      • So much screaming and pouting when I – well, when I anything. Normal, everyday interactions and routines were laden with land mines. Reading this thread, it’s blowing my mind how we all were steamrolled by this outrageous gaslighting. Even before I knew about the affairs (so, for most of the relationship), and even when I didn’t ask questions, the mindfucking was a constant. That covert coercion is insidious. It didn’t cross my mind that someone would be lying about things for no reason. I was completely in the dark and didn’t know to be suspicious. When my ex was taking “time and space” – he felt entitled to suddenly and unilaterally upend my life – it was before dday1 and I still didn’t suspect cheating, but I kept telling my sister that something didn’t add up.

        Thanks to all the chumps who share stories, today and every day. CL/CN doesn’t just help chumps leave; these stories aren’t told anywhere else, and it’s helping me forgive myself and release some of the shame.

        • “It didn’t cross my mind that someone would be lying about things for no reason. I was completely in the dark and didn’t know to be suspicious.”

          Yep, and I had a good upbringing; and my dad treated my mother who had a lot of health issues with love and respect.

          I just remember when we had been married just a few years, I had an outpatient procedure done. He brought me home from the hospital and then went out for some reason, I don’t remember what he told me. Anyway, he didn’t come home until the next morning. I had my five year old son, helping me get water and things like that.

          When he came home the next morning he said he ran into one of the guys and got involved in an all night poker game in a guys van. I was mad of course; but I never questioned that ludicrous story. What the hell was wrong with me.

          Even if I had decided I was not going to leave because of my son, I should have snapped to, and realized I needed to start taking college classes and getting myself ready to leave.

          He didn’t even bring me any dammed flowers.

          • Fours years before dday I had to go back for another mammogram for just one breast. It was when they were going digital & when comparing the old type from the previous year to the new one the radiologist wanted to make sure all was good.

            It was a snowy morning & the clinic was about a mile away. I asked my husband if he would drive me there. His response was “what you’re a big girl to drive in a little bit of snow.” Yeah, I knew that but I was very anxious about the re-xay. I went alone & all was well.

            After the divorce I mentioned that to a friend & she was shocked. She couldn’t believe he wouldn’t be there for support. So, was that a devaluation move? Will never know. Ex left 3 weeks after a dday I never saw coming.

            • Klootzak had to have his arm twisted to drive me for a biopsy and then sat in the waiting area grinning and smiling at his phone the whole time. Texting the then 24 year old AP, I’m sure. No reassurance or hand holding. I sat there with palms sweating about getting it done and all he would do is roll his eyes at me. They wouldn’t let me drive myself as I needed someone to drive me home. Had I known what his behavior was going to be, I would have asked a friend instead.

        • “Thanks to all the chumps who share stories, today and every day. CL/CN doesn’t just help chumps leave; these stories aren’t told anywhere else, and it’s helping me forgive myself and release some of the shame.”

          I agree, bread&roses. But it’s also helping me to LAUGH!

  • LTC Fuckface, man of honor,, “I will not tell a lie nor tolerate those who do.” , came home from the gym with no dirty gym clothes in his bag, smelling of a highly floral soap, not the soap used in the gym soap dispensers. There was no new soap in his gym bag next to his neatly folded, dry and clean gym clothes that I had chumpily packed for him. When confronted he became enraged that I would be looking in his gym bag. Seems it was ok for me to pack his bag and yet a moral failure on my part to unpack his gym bag.

    He also had an otherworldly ability to go for a walk in a snowstorm and come home with no snow caked on his clothing, or on his person. Fuckface walked around the corner and hopped into her car. I saw her car drive by as she dropped him off. When confronted he was enraged that I was spying on him. Why she only gave him a ride, a perfectly innocent ride. I was a shrew and a harpy to suggest otherwise.

    He is all her problem now, well hers and whatever gullible person he is trolling at the moment. He isn’t a faithful man.

    • Man of honor and integrity, indeed.

      Major Kibbles said the lube in his suitcase was for masturbation. It was cheapo off-brand lube so I sorta still buy that excuse, even though I’ve never known him to keep such, or use up any non-cheapo lube we had, in the previous 15 years together.

      Then – and this is off-topic just for ThirtythreeYears, he told me during wreckonciliation that someday I’d have to get over it and “treat him like my moral equal.”

      Oh so high and mighty and superior! But no thank you, nice try, I’m out. You’re on your own with those delusions.

    • Ah yes:

      Me, in the middle of a hug – “What do I smell? You smell kind of like perfume!!!”

      FW: “Yeah, they changed the soap at the gym, I really hate it. I think I’ll carry some of my own from now on.”

      I guess I should be thankful he showered, because it happens that it really turned him on to have sex with one of us and then with the other within as short a time as possible. And each of us thought she was the only sex partner.

      • I asked about a perfumey scent on him too, when exH came home from working late.
        Told me it was one of those new plug-in air fresheners in his office.

    • “He isn’t a faithful man.”
      To say the least!
      What were they doing, fucking in the car?

      Mine didn’t make gym excuses, because he really did go to the gym seven says a week- just to be with her there. He never went again after they broke up. So much for his “I care about my health!” reasoning for overdoing it. They were often there for hours and I’m sure most of it was chit chatting. He didn’t get strong from it as one would if working out with dedication every day. I just thought it was because he is a weakling who used those sissy Nautilus weight machines and avoided free weights.
      The one and only time I managed to coax him to work out with me on free weights, he couldn’t keep up and was sweating like a whore in church. I was worried that he might keel over. No doubt he’d only done it to show me up. That sure backfired on him. But I’d just given him one more reason to hate me. He couldn’t stand me being better at anything.

      He went apeshit when I borrowed the mat he supposedly used for stretching at the gym. He had only used it a couple of times and it sat there for over a year unused. He snatched it away from me and said, like a five year old; “That’s mine! Get your own!”
      Turns out it was because he had last used it while stretching with schmoopie. I guess he felt me using it would replace his STD carrying whore’s germs with clean, but undesirable, wife sweat.
      Weird AF.

    • Never trust anyone that boasts how they lead an honorable life, pretend to be above reproach and are quick to disparage those that do not meet their so-called standards. Pretty much guarantees they’re not honorable just sneaky pieces of shit.

      • KB22-exactly, I was married to Mr. Integrity, I listened to ex rant endlessly for years that he’s a “man of integrity.” Always quick to point out the faults of others.
        A man of higher standards than everyone else, arrogant, moralistic and critical.
        You’re absolutely right, I was married to a sneaky piece of shit.
        People of integrity don’t brag and give lectures telling you that they have integrity they show you by their behavior.

        • Asshat was also Mr. Integrity/Mr. Marine Corps, but when the French hauled him to court after I pressed charges for domestic violence, Mr. Integrity actually told me he was thinking about skipping off back to America! I pointed out that he had said a marine needed to “put on a suit and tie and take it on the chin like a man” but that obviously didn’t apply to him!

      • Yup. If only I read this 5+ years ago, KB22.

        I kinda knew he didn’t love me anymore. But that’s ok, I told myself, ltr’s change over time. And he’s always so focused on being a good person and doing the right thing, I can count on him to do right by his family, and that’s something I’ll always love and respect about him.

        That’s right CN, I talked myself into it and gaslighted MYSELF. ????‍♀️

        Yup, that was a tough memory in the months of wreckonciliation. Now it’s just ????????‍♀️ oh well, live & learn to trust your gut.

        • I also had a feeling that Cheater didn’t like me anymore. Something was “off.”
          I thought well, it’s probably just a phase, maybe depression and he’d get over it.. he’s a “man of integrity,” a man of integrity wouldn’t cheat. That’s one of the things I admired about ex was his high moral standards. He was a rigid about following rules.
          He couldn’t cheat, that wouldn’t be following the rules.
          After all, he has high moral standards, just ask him.

          One day I asked if he loved me, he his gruff response was, “I’m here aren’t I?” with an answer like that, why would I have any doubt? What was I thinking to question a man of integrity..

          What was I thinking to believe anything that came out of his mouth.
          These memories make me cringe today.

  • oh basically the story of how everything unraveled.

    He invited me for a dancing event, one weekend in his hometown. It was a long weekend and a nice chance to visit his mother/stay with her, and a chance for him to see his dancing friends. You can sign up as a single or as a pair but usually women who sign up alone are at a big disadvantage because there’s always more women who sign up than men.

    So he invites me to go dancing together but says he’s signed up already (by himself). I found it odd that he would not wait for my answer about the dance event because if I sign up alone, I don’t stand a chance of getting it. (But of course I spackled many years over his lack-of-organization, pretending he was some creative genius whose attention cannot be turned to the same administrative pesky things we mortals take care of). so I classify it as a case of “classic distracted FW” signing up without me. He says he knows the organizers quite well and he will write them an email to add my name to his so we become formally a dancing pair. He says he will take care of everything.

    two weeks go by and nothing happens. In my mind, “classic forgetful partner” and I gently remind him to sign me up. The next day I receive a confirmation via email of my signing up, clearly stating his name as my partner. I wire the registration costs.

    the next day I get an email from the organizers, telling me that they cannot find my dancing partner among the unpartnered men’s list. Can I double check the data and send them his contact info again? I chuckle to myself “he probably forgot to sign himself up.” (stupid chump) and I forward him the email and he says he will call up his friend and take care of it.

    One week later, I receive another email from the organizers, telling me the same thing.
    This time, I decide to take matters into my own hand and call the organizers to clear things out. She asks me for my partner’s name, I give her the name. She says he is not listed on the unpartnered men’s list. Can I give her the birthday date, maybe there was a spelling error when he registered?
    I give her the birthday date of my partner and she says that she can find a name and a birthday corresponding to my partner, but not on the unpartnered list. She has a very hesitant tone and speaks very carefully.

    I ask her if she can tell me who is the registration buddy of my partner. She says she cannot give me this information and I should have a conversation with my partner.

    This is the very first hint of D-day. By that point, my partner was cold and distanced, the discard had actively started but I still didn’t understand what it was about. I thought it was work-related stress and was trying to support him as much as I can.

    When I confronted him, he spun into a tale of “one of his classmates in dance class asked if she could sign him up with her, because she didn’t have anyone to go with, and he didn’t know how to say no to her without hurting her feelings.”
    well what about my hurt feelings? what about me feeling like a fool when talking to the organizers on the phone? what about me, not being able to attend the music festival because you already went with someone else? on a long weekend?
    He said he needed some time to himself with his friends, that he needed to rediscover his own identity, etc.

    I foolishly believed all these excuses. I had made so many excuses for him, for years for his lack of organization, that I fully believed he was that “helpless”. I truly believed that he had signed up with someone else and forgot about it… for about a week. One week later, as I was doing grocery shopping, I heard a voice in my head saying “he’s lying to you. you’re the same age, you have the same educational background. He is able to plan scientific experiments that take months to conclude, to write, submit and defend a PhD thesis, to make financial plans and budgets. but he’s not able to remember signing up for an event with someone? he’s lying to you”.

    I confronted him. He said that he was lying about forgetting because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
    I stayed for 3 months longer with him, but these 3 months were hell. mostly because I was super paranoid, because I didn’t trust myself anymore to understand a situation correctly, that I felt so stupid and naive and gullible.

    3 months later, came the full-blown D-Day. He tried to minimize it (“just a dinner, I wanted to kiss her but I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t live with myself if I did it”).
    I struggled 3 more days with that information, whether I believed him or not.

    January 29 2020, I wrote him a message to move his stuff out. We started the separation, I went NC
    The last I heard of his news (in March 2020, I made the mistake of checking his reddit account), he was writing about his happy relationship with OW. “it’s the healthiest relationship I have been in, we have amazing communication, we are transparent about everything, both of us have a long history of failed relationships and we have learned from them”

    That was a sledgehammer to the stomach. but it was the necessary step I needed to go full NC, block him everywhere including reddit, email, linkedin, block his mother (who was still writing me urging to reconciliate), go to therapy and working on getting to tuesday.

    Sorry for writing such an odyssey but it was very cathartic

    • The references to their “healthy, most honest ever” affair relationships seems to be very common, though I can understand why it hurt so much to read – because in itself, it’s a complete lie. He’s lying to himself, too, but then we all know these FWs believe their own BS.

      • Thanks for replying, Shintoga. I think reading that sentence hurt even more than the separation. I was so deep in my depression and reading about how happy he was and how healthy their relationship was made me feel erased and invisible. I felt like such a fool, grieving him so badly.

        My life changed when I found CL and I learned how cheaters all proclaim their happiness with their twu-wuv, how they love kibbles, triangulating and how they are great at image management. “trust that he sucks” was my daily motto.

        Thank you CL and thank you CN for being an integral part of my healing and rediscovering my self-worth.

        • Strange how a single sentence or word can make it all click. Shortly after his abandonment my Asshat texted our oldest daughter that he was “miserable in our relationship” (but still wanted to have good relationships with his kids). Seeing that word “miserable” was a gob smack.

          He had been future-faking and lying to me for years and never said he was unhappy even when asked direct questions about it. I was always the one taking the temperature of the relationship after his first known affair 8 years earlier but he just lied, continued to make plans with me, and never let on that things were less than A-OK. He lied like breathing and when confronted he said I couldn’t handle the truth. Blame shifted. He would sooner cut off an arm than deal with anything directly.

          My very ~existence~ made him miserable. He wanted to go fuck around and I stood in the way of that. I am sure his half-our-age Schmoopie ate that up and was sure she could fix everything for him.

          These things are unforgivable. It did cost him his daughters and they are NC. I am sure he thinks that price was worth his freedom from his misery.

        • Those asshats really go for the jugular don’t they? Mine asked for a divorce out of the blue, refused to tell me why when I begged him to tell me his reasons “because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings”!!! Once I finally agreed to separate, I had figured out what might be the problem at that point, I asked him if he was sure “we” were not making a mistake. He told me “he was the happiest he’d ever been”. One week after walking out, leaving me and our two little kids behind… Textbook, all of them. It hurts to remember this, but helps remind us we’re much better off without them.

          • I am sorry FTS. Their kind of happiness is a knife with the sharpest edges that hurts the people who used to love them the most. It’s good to remember how far we’ve come along in our healing journey

        • People in healthy, happy relationships that are above board never have to broadcast it to the world. Sorry, but only warped individuals feel the impulse to spew that phony horseshit on social media and of course many kiss ass bozos on social media will engage.
          Cheaters will never state, I was a selfish, deceitful piece of shit that discarded my spouse and family. They will instead tell the world how happy and healthy the new relationship is because they need to insinuate how abused and miserable their life was for years. They only cheated under special circumstances don’t you see? These nitwits really think the world give’s a rat’s behind they are finally happy.

          • ???????????? this, this, this! You’re on fire today KB22!

            What you say is also true when they flaunt their improved relationship “with themselves” or their sudden enlightenment (even after the affair blew up in their faces).

            It was the chump that was holding them back, sure.

            • Sparkledick bellowed in my ear that he was a failure and that it was my fault. My eardrum still buzzes just at this memory. And I still did not turn on my BS detector.

          • I know a lady. I told her a very brief synopsis of my relationship going all sideways etc. She said “I’m so lucky, that will never happen to me. I married my best friend. We have the best marriage. “ Dramatically enough, she ended up being murdered by him. ???? So sad.

          • After he started living with AP 33 years younger than him, his texts would say “why can no one except that I’m happy”.

            My son (older than AP) would say Yes, we are all concerned about his dumbass happiness.

      • I agree. “Health” is a word often co-opted. If we do things for our “health,” we are good, smart, people. If we do things for pleasure, they can be morally questioned.

        My EX claims I was bad for his “health.” In effect, he describes me as a disease.

        Strangely enough, his health did not improve after our divorce. It got much worse.

        But who can criticize a person pursuing “health”? It is a great word for avoiding blame and responsibility!

    • “both of us have a long history of failed relationships and we have learned from them”

      That they are together is proof that they have learned nothing.

      An illicit relationship has “unhealthy” baked into it, and you can’t get it out any more than you can get the eggs out whole after the cake comes out of the oven. But what else would cheaters say?

      • Very good analogy, VH! I’m copying that down for my “rainy day” letter to myself! Thanks for that! Also reminds me of the old adage “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”

    • There’s a big subset of cheater (covert narcs) who are COWARDS in addition to all of their other lack of character traits.

        • I can also provide a couple of chapters. After the 5th or 6th D-day I was trying to untangle the skein by googling long term lying/affairs etc and came across. Scared the shit out of me & I had an hours long panic attack as it described him so well.
          I’d never heard the term before but it made me realise that the 12 happiest years of my life, spent with someone I trusted and loved completely who I’d thought was the very best of men, was an evil self serving liar.
          He never needed to serve up lame excuses and even had me colluding in his affairs to the point where I went against my own values (he had me believing the Ester Perel shit that monogamy is unnatural) he was such a master at deception. I pity his new victim.

          • When I read my first book about narcissism, I had the opposite reaction. It described klootzak exactly. I nearly wept at the truth of it. The explanation of what he was made sense. And it also meant that I was NOT being jealous, insecure, codependent, or any of the other labels he tried to pin on me. The gaslighting, triangulation, all of it. It was as though someone gave me the key to unlock the code. I was no longer unclear. I had absolute clarity for the first time in years. And it’s uncurable! There is no fixing a narc. All you can do is go NC. So the feeling I had that I would need to divorce and walk away, well, I finally accepted that my instinct to end the marriage was right. Understanding that piece freed my mind a great deal.

            • The same thing happened to me when I read my first book on covert narcissists.

              So many strange things suddenly made sense!

      • So true! Cowards who, when they realize consequences from their shitty behavior, get stuck on the self-pity channel (at least that’s true of my covert narc x). “No one is suffering more than I.” #allaboutme #sadeveryday


    • “it’s the healthiest relationship I have been in, we have amazing communication, we are transparent about everything”

      ???? The delusion is strong.

      “both of us have a long history of failed relationships and we have learned from them.”

      Gee, I wonder why they both have a long history of failed relationships.

    • ^ “But of course I spackled many years over his lack-of-organization, pretending he was some creative genius whose attention cannot be turned to the same administrative pesky things we mortals take care of”.

      Thanks for the laugh! I can relate to this statement 🙂

  • My ex started going on overnight trips with his friend Bill. My ex said that Bill had a hunting cabin in the mountains and Bill might be selling it and he might be interested in buying it. Old chumpy me never thought to ask to go see it with him. About a year after D day I found out that Skankella’s best friends husband had a cabin. I never til this day met his friend Bill lol. Looking back I should have realized that he was cheating. Because my ex never liked to stay overnights at strange places.
    My ex also started to manskape. I found the odd. When I asled him why he suddenly cared about his bodyhair. He told me that he it was cleaner and more comfortable to have less body hair. I believed him. There were so many signs that he was cheating. I trusted him and never thought that he would cheat. And cheat with my cousin.

    • Yeah mine suddenly went to a salon to get Brazilians. He didn’t lie about it though. He said that sex was better without the hair. I just thought he was referring to the sex we had. Now I realise he wasn’t.

  • I found out about the OW in October of 2013. Ex and I were then trying to “work” on our marriage while he took the affair deeper under ground. That Christmas, I found a receipt in his coat pocket for a pair of women’s UGG boots. I asked him who he bought boots for, because at that point I knew he wasn’t getting me anything for Christmas. He told me to stop being so nosey, this was why our marriage would never work because of my trust issues, and since I really needed to know, that was a receipt for his new work boots!!

    I laughed at him and said you wear boots with the fur to work on an assembly line? He stomped off.

    To this day, whenever I hear the song Apple bottom jeans, I remember this memory. Lol

    • I’m getting a whole music video thing going in my head starring your ex and his fellow assembly line workers pole dancing in “apple bottom jeans” and “boots with the fur” on the shop floor.

  • While I was lining up my ducks and just days after realizing the RIC was total bullshit (yes, I needed to take part of the blame for his decision to cheat), my son found nudes of him and Schmoopie in a family shared account. My son told me and I told him to confront the cheater while he was home for a few days. My son decided not take my advice though. He showed the cheater the photos (after downloading and saving them and it also contained some video). The cheater of course blew up but told DS that “well everybody sends these nowadays. It is just a little bit of fun and doesn’t mean anything”. This is coming from a man who is close to 70 (Schmoopie is in her 30s). Sorry but I don’t send this type of stuff to friends and neither does my 25 year old son. How odd that we are so behind the times. The dick pics and twat shots went to the lawyer. It made my lawyer pretty darn happy. Hooray for cheaters being stupid.
    End result is he is getting the gift of divorce and son is no contact with the FW. Going through the process is really horrible but knowing that at the end I will be FW free is the light at the end of the tunnel. These two FWs deserve each other.

  • My whore/fucking ex husband and I were going to go for a bike ride one day. Both of our bikes needed air in the tires, so we stood there together with the bike pump filling them up.

    While filling his tires, his bike fell over and a condom fell out of his drink holder. Bounce bounce boom right there on the ground in front of both of us.

    I guess we both stood there looking at it, until I looked up at him and said “what the fuck?”

    His only response was “I don’t know how it got there, what do you think? I’m riding my bike to go fuck someone?” I believe I said something like “yeah, that’s kinda what it looks like”

    The really sad thing about this story is that I honestly don’t remember how we got past that. Did we go on the bike ride? Was there a huge fight? I don’t remember any of that. It’s amazing how hard I spackled for that motherfucker.

    • Oh, here’s another dumb one.

      There was the time that the whore-Fucker and I got in his car, me in the passenger seat.

      On the floorboard I saw something silver, shiny and round. My first thought was that something popped off the dashboard. With absolutely zero accusation in my voice I picked it up and said “what’s this”?

      His pissed off reaction, as he quickly snatched the bracelet out of my hands was “What? I drove a bunch of colleagues to lunch the other day and someone must’ve dropped this!!!”

      I remember saying “OK dude, no reason to get defensive, I thought something had broken off the dashboard.” Then I abruptly forgot all about it until After d-day because I’m a dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb chump.

      • Being trustful is not dumb. It mostly reveals that you yourself are trustworthy: since you’re not the kind of person who’d cheat on a spouse, you tend to assume your spouse is the same way.

        I’ve give you naive maybe, but naive is not the same as dumb.

        • Thanks. Well, if nothing else, I’m not naïve anymore. If that shit happened today, the driver would have a shiny new silver bracelet to wear… up his ass.

        • Thanks for this, Involuntary Georgian. We all need to be more kind to ourselves, so instead of beating myself up for not recognizing things sooner, I’m going to celebrate my being trusting.

      • I got in the car and found lace underwear on the floor of the passenger seat. Ex had no explanation. He just looked shocked and said he had no idea how they got there. Maybe some kids threw them through the window. I can’t remember how we got past that either. Deep denial on my part, obviously.

        • Tupelo –

          Isn’t it just amazing how our minds work?

          I can’t tell you the amount of times that my asshole ex-husband’s lies were flimsier than onion skin.

          Did I believe his lies? No, not really usually. Did I let his lies just roll past me? Yes, I think I did. I don’t know if it was my heart or my brain, but some protective mechanism in my psyche was clearly at play. Ick.

          • “I don’t know if it was my heart or my brain, but some protective mechanism in my psyche was clearly at play.”

            I am certain that was how I was. For at least the last couple years. And really, I don’t know if it helped me or hindered me. I always think, dang if I had just gotten out of there a few years earlier. But, who know maybe the extra time was beneficial to me in way I don’t even realize.

        • Ugh! I found chapstick in the car with pink lipstick on it he said he didn’t know how it got there! I suppose technically that would be true he just left out the part that a hooker was sucking his dick…. Asshole

        • It is amazing isn’t it?! I found underwear, condoms, jewelry, lip gloss. It took me a shockingly long time to figure it all out. I think it’s because we look at the world differently, or at least did… and we trusted them. Which says more about us being trustworthy and less about them being worthy of the trust (which they clearly weren’t).

    • Ugh! I found chapstick in the car with pink lipstick on it he said he didn’t know how it got there! I suppose technically that would be true he just left out the part that a hooker was sucking his dick…. Asshole

  • In the middle of the day at work, klootzak called me to pick him up. He should have been at work, too, so I was confused. He had apparently just randomly decided to take the day off and go hiking. On a Wednesday. While he was off “hiking,” vandals broke into his car and stripped it. (We lived in Hawaii and it is common for the locals to troll the parking lots near trail heads and do this. They call it “going to the bank” because military personnel stationed there often spend their deployment bonuses on nice cars all souped up with the latest audio equipment and whatnot, so they like to strip them bare. I actually learned this from a Hawaiian I worked with who said the United States stole their islands so it is their way of getting back. Glad I don’t live there anymore… but I digress.) Anyway, his car was actually broken into but why was he out hiking? And where did his wedding ring go?

    Well, his wedding ring was stolen because he left it in the car! I asked why he would leave his wedding band in the car while going hiking. He said – you will love this – that the Navy taught him that if you wear a ring while hiking or some such activity, well, you could suddenly need to grab a tree or branch to not lose your balance and the ring could get caught and rip your finger off with it! So he left his wedding band in the car for safety reasons. ???? Chumpy me bought him a replacement band. I needn’t have wasted my money….

    He had in his backpack with him a book by Khalil Gibran. I found out after D-day and reading a lot of sick emails that he likes to give Gibran books to his APs as gifts, probably so he can look sensitive and intellectual. I have never read anything by Gibran and would probably love to if not that I find him triggering now. Maybe someday when I am truly at meh I will be able to read one without being fixated on the fact that this was the author klootzak used to woo his APs.

    • All the cheaters have read the same playbook of lies and deceit!
      Don’t be sad MrWonderful’sEx, I have to be very honest and say despite loving the occasional poem, I find Khalil Gibran to be a very boring monotonous read. I much prefer his paintings to his writings.

      Here is a fitting quote from Khalil Gibran’s “the prophet” though
      “You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care, nor your nights without a want and a grief, but rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.”

      Freedom comes on a tuesday!

    • Re removing the wedding band to save the finger must be in the “Naval Rule Book”. My FW used the exact same excuse SMH.

      • Mine was in the army and he really wasn’t permitted to wear it at work because of the machinery they worked with but he stopped wearing it outside of work too. I let it go.

        Years and years later I took a kick boxing class and actually hurt my hand because of my ring. I stopped wearing it to let my finger heal because it was painful. He threw a little fit. I was shocked because rings clearly had never been a big deal to him from what I saw. He was already dating my replacement at that time and was planning on leaving me and fantasizing about killing me. But how dare I take off my rings to let an injury heal when he never wore his. They’re such hypocrites.

        • I wore my ring on a chain while I was pregnant and for about 6 months due to weight gain and a tendon issue in my hand and wrist also pregnancy related.

          After DDay1, he brought up me not wearing my ring as one of the reasons he thought it was okay to fuck someone else.

      • CS, It must be a military thing. Cheater was in the Air Force and I heard the wedding band, save the finger story. Cheater lost his wedding band twice.
        He had to remove it while flying because he might lose his finger. I remember asking how he could lose a finger while flying. He said while checking the engine.

        Cheater is a pilot, Pilots aren’t mechanics, they don’t work on planes, they fly them.
        *I believed him*.

        • Brit, mine also flew. He claimed he saw someone lose a finger on the carrier. I have no doubt that there’s many dangerous opportunities for injury on a carrier. But I’m leaning toward “just another excuse” to appear available.

    • Gibran, yes, well that figures.

      OWhore’s literary tastes ran to McManus and Saint-Exupéry.

      In one of her gag-worthy endless emails to FW she promised to read McManus aloud to him an their “next long car ride.” (Personally I find McManus at the intellectual level of Jr High School – apologies if he’s someone’s fave author).

      When she was melancholy about him not being able to spend time with him – because he had commitments with me – she quoted extensively from “The Little Prince” – smarmy garbage about how he had tamed her like the Fox or something and how once you tame something you are responsible for it ????????????. (I later found the copy she gave him and put it out with the recycle.)

      Too bad FWs and OWs ruin perfectly acceptable (if not maybe exactly to our taste) books, music, places, etc. through their assholery.

  • For years, from our late 30s to early 40s, he woukd go to a previous coworker’s house to help her with her taxes. She is single, childless, works one job, and is intelligent enough to complete basic tax forms. He would be gone nearly the entire day every year, and come back home in a great mood. I once asked why he didn’t invite her to our house so we could grill and hang out while they got that done, and he blew off the idea without any explanation as to why not. I understand now.

    • Wow, sounds just like my cheating ex-FIL. Except he was helping his widowed sister-in-law with her business.

      He was really good with helping SILs in distress.

      I seriously think I have not an ex-cousin-in-law, but an ex-SIL. She was suspicous herself and I helped her get a DNA test sith her siblings: it is possible.

  • 1) On smelling like booze and cheap perfume upon returning from 6am Walmart trips (“it’s less crowded then”—it sure was because it was still closed during COVID lockdown hours): “It’s my Rogaine that you smell. They must have done something new with the fragrance.” ????

    2) On working late certain Friday’s (“Fucking Friday’s always suck” direct text quote): He was a doctor and claimed, during the first COVID lockdown, to be swamped at work… except all elective procedures had been cancelled. He must have laughed when he typed those texts—he’d sneak her into his office.

    3) On withdrawing $600 multiple times a week: “I like having cash around”. Yeah to pay hookers, gamble and drink at 3am when he told me he was walking the neighborhood at a time when he wouldn’t run into people… ????

    4) The $5000 he withdrew on his birthday to pay for the hooker… it was his birthday present to himself. I shouldn’t be mad because I found out before he gave it to her, damn it. And why shouldn’t he carry $5000 in his car? How dare I be so controlling.

    5) She shaved a patch of hair off of his chest—twice. The first time was before I knew about her and I asked wth had happened. He couldn’t even come up with an excuse. The second time, we were in the throws of marriage counseling, when he swore he wasn’t seeing her (“I’m looking for your stolen jewelry” a block from her apartment, behind a grocery store according to Find my iPhone). I knew as soon as I saw the ridiculous shaved patch that the liar was a lying.

    Dr Pinocchio had sooo many lies. At this point, I doubt he even knows he’s lying anymore. His entitlement is off the charts.

  • I got a bill from our clinic’s office for some lab tests and i called The Reverend Cheaterpants because he hadn’t had any appointments and then the clinic office and complained because clearly this was a mistake.

    Genius had had STD testing with the explanation that his buddy said sometimes STD tests could detect cancer (buddy had had cancer twice; this was a complete fabrication on Rev Cheaterpants’ part). He had paid cash, but the clinic billed our insurance. So while I was chewing out the billing office, he was frantically calling to try to get it marked as paid.

    The funniest thing is that we live near a city. If he had gone to an STD clinic and paid cash and heck—given them a fake name—I would never have known. As it is, the local medical office thinks he’s absolutely shit for lying to me and bringing them into it. And the NP is still salty about the STD cancer thing because he tried to tell her that he knew more than she did.

    After DDay, I asked about the STD test (and got tested myself, of course). He said “that’s actually a funny story.” I replied that somehow I didn’t think I would see the humor in it. I suspect that one of his APs wanted to see a clean bill of health.

    • I found a bill for a home lab company, I don’t know for sure but I assume he was testing for sti’s. He was t particularly health conscious, but would have gone to his pcp if it was anything else.

  • While I was in the dark about his affair my cheating ex told me & my son he was going skiing with his friend Ron for the weekend. Chumpy me made him lunch, my son put his skis in his car with his bags. I then asked him if he needed more clothes which he said no. Sunday he returned saying he couldn’t call me bc of heavy snow or something. Few days later I checked his credit card statement & saw he never went away with restaurants,
    hotel receipts & liquor store he went to. Plus his cell phone records showing calls to whores phone for months
    When I confronted him he said nothing, wouldn’t answer me. I knew then my suspicions were real. We were married 35 years. So heartbreaking ????

    • There was a story once about a husband who was “going hunting” with a buddy. The wife packed his bag (is it only me that thinks that a grown-ass man should be capable of packing for himself?). When he came home he was absolutley livid because she “hadn’t packed any underpants for him”. I guess she got the last laugh when she explained that the were in his gun case!

  • I decided to surprise him and get into the shower with him. I pulled the curtain and there was his back with long fingernail scratches. I asked where did he get those scratches and his answer was that he got them when he fell at work against a wall and slid down it.

        • “I did it for you” is such a red flag for me. New manscaping? “I thought you might like it.” Finding hidden boner pills? “I wanted it to be better for you.” Secret dating profile? “I thought we had met on that site, and was looking for old messages from you.”

          If they kept it from you, and then say it’s “for you” – they are 100% lying

    • I didn’t realize this was a thing! I found out they were shaved when I touched him when we were in bed. He said he had read in Forum Magazine that women preferred it.

    • Mine did it bc it was itchy while hunting. Pretty sure he was hunting for something other than deer, ducks, bear…

      • Omg I didn’t know this was a common thing! Mine shaved his because it “gets caught in his underwear” what the hell are they shaving it for?

        • I blame porn for the manscaping trend. Hairless for men and women these days. My doctor told she sees disasters due to this new norm. Shaving mishaps, infected ingrown hair follicles, infections from skin on skin frottage (especially when one person has a std). ????

        • My attorney felt it was so indicative of cheating she listed it in the lawsuit???????????? he later told me he was terrified to “man groom” after that. But I don’t believe him especially if the AP’s like it.

    • Klootzak shaves his, too, and claims the same reason but only when he is about to go on a work trip. He allegedly drives 4 hours north for work trips where it is actually colder so not sure why little jimmy and the twins would feel hotter when he leaves town.

          • I assumed as much ???? Micro penis the size of a cocktail wiener or some such. The need to name one’s genitals is something I will never understand ????

      • Yes the shaving before work trips! That’s was a big ???? That and him mysteriously going mia, plus the hotel where his co-workers were staying was booked and he had to say at a much nicer more expensive hotel nearby.

  • Until I donated blood for the first time yesterday, I had always admired cheating bastard ex for faithfully donating every 60 to 90 days.
    So when I was going through the screening process yesterday and answering the multiple questions involving high risk sexual activity, the light switch turned on.
    I asked the screener, “If I had answered yes to any of the questions involving high risk sexual activities, what would you do?” He said they would do a quick blood screen to determine if the donor was eligible or not.
    So, now I know it was a method he used to check for STDs. Who knew?

    • Mine did the same thing!! He was always so eager to get the results when they came in, claiming to be checking his cholesterol. Well, surprise! They don’t do a full screen. They only check for a few of the serious ones.

      • So THAT’S why he donated so much blood! I had no freaking idea! He also got tested for HIV, and hepatitis at work pretty often after “needle stick injuries.” He was an ICU nurse. Funny, I’m an ICU nurse as well, and I didn’t get anywhere NEAR that many needle stick injuries.

        • May their dicks rot off…
          I can’t my ex’s hasn’t already. It was looking pretty damned ugly those last few years.

  • She spent a lot of time locked in the bathroom with her phone, and I mean hours at a time when the kids and I were at home. When either kids or I enquired whether she was OK she would just tell us to leave her alone as she was suffering from constipation.

    I now know this is when she was texting her AP (her iPhone was synched with an iPad that our youngest daughter used and it all came out a few months later), but she was right about one thing ….. she was (and still is) full of sh*t.


  • I’ve told this one before. He was allegedly attending the surveyors’ annual drink and shag fest in Cannes – MPIM. He’s a lawyer. One of the highlights of his year. Much excitement. He never contacted me while he was there. I was cool wife and respected the need for both of us to have independent time. In 2018, the year before the discard started, he returned home in the afternoon. I arrived back from work that evening. Ex had a large black eye. I asked what happened. ‘I was coming out of the loos and this surveyor was coming in. He hit me in the face with the door handle. We were both drunk’. I believed the ‘drunk’ piece as he was always drunk when socialising. The rest? Not so much. More likely that the surveyor objected to the cut of his jib.

    He was prone to being punched in the face. Before he met me, when out with exgfOW in a northern English town, someone ‘punched me in the face for no reason’. With hindsight the reason would have been that he either was behaving badly at the time or that he had behaved badly in the past. He’s an arrogant arse and proud of it! I did slap him once, shortly before we married, because he was drunk again, and smirking about having turned up home hours after he said he would be home. I have no idea why I was moved to smack him on that occasion. It hadn’t happened before and did not happen after despite the drunken smirking being a common theme of our relationship. It did not cross my mind to cancel the wedding as I put it down to wedding stress. Now? My body was telling me that this man was not going to be good for me. We had been together for 8 years by this point and remained together for a further 18 years. I learnt how to endure. How wonderful not to have to do that any more and congratulations to exgfOW. Third time lucky for her ????

    • “He hit me in the face with the door handle” – how tall was your ex FW, exactly, if a door handle can hit him in the face? Or did the surveyor get so mad at him he’d ripped it off before he hit him with it? ????

  • I’ve posted this before but I was engaged back in the 80’s to what I now realize was a sociopath. He was working down in the Turks & Caicos (before it turned into a tropical resort destination) long line fishing. The day before I was to pick him up at the Miami airport he called me to say he just got out of the hospital, nearly died because a buoy snapped and hit him in the neck. He had sustained a hematoma. I picked him up and said that just looks like a huge hickey and he was so upset that I was making fun of his “injury”. I can’t believe that I actually believed him! Anyway the actual cause of his “injury” showed up in Miami about a month later, pregnant. Initially of course I was devastated, didn’t eat or sleep for two weeks but ended up to be such a blessing. Who knows how much longer I would have wasted my time with that loser.

  • Mine worked in New York I stayed in Alabama working and raiding 3 children. He would come home on the weekends. One time back home I notice he is completely shaved. I said “why did you do that” his response was “I got bored in the hotel room and decided to trim then just shave it all. I like it better like that”. I know who likes it that way now. ????

    • I had the same experience. My X worked overseas, came home for Christmas. He got dressed next to me and I could see that he was shaved. I asked and the answer was “For you”. Nothing happened, but he moved his clothes out of the bed room to the guestroom that day. I was told so I have more space for my clothes. All of this when we had a dead bed room for 4 years.

  • I was nearly 9 months pregnant when I noticed fingernail scratches on his back. He had just gotten out of the shower. I asked him how he got the scratches, and he said that when he was at the gym playing basketball with the guys, a woman showed up at the gym and asked if she could play with them. He said she had really long fingernails, and she scratched his back when he was going for a rebound or something like that. Bless his heart.

    • I am shocked by all the back scratching stories! Who… who does this? I thought this was just a trope from 80’s movies where they couldn’t show sexy times without getting an R rating, lol

  • Immediately after the birth of our first grandchild (about 5 months before D-day), I stayed on to help with the newborn. X, who knew an opportunity for cheating when he saw it, drove back to our home in a different state, using the dog as an excuse. It seemed plausible.

    The next day he said he would drive back to help with the baby but added that he felt a bit ill– cold symptoms. I told him that he probably shouldn’t come if he feels sick. He became enraged that I would suggest that he would ever endanger a newborn and verbally stomped off, muttering something about visiting his male friend instead because “Dan doesn’t care about sniffles.” Later I received a photo of a wild flower, which I guess he thought “proved” he was on a hike with Dan. I bought it.

    He visited Dan so often during those last months that on D-day I thought those two were having an affair.

    Dan’s wife would later tell me that he hardly ever visited her husband.

    Fast forward to today. The fucker has the OW full time and hasn’t seen that granddaughter in two years. As for Dan, he remains friends with x even though he was used repeatedly as an alibi. I don’t get it.

    (I know this is meant as a fun exercise, but my enduring rage has snuffed out any snark I might have.)

  • All of a sudden he started wearing black underwear. The kind with the longer legs.

    I thought it was weird because he is so cheap I had to be the one to throw the white briefs away when they were visibly expired or he would have kept wearing them for who knows how long. He used to brag about how little he needed to pack when going on any kind of trip. Don’t you know how much room a clean pair of underwear for each day you are away takes up in your suitcase and you can save space by bringing only two pairs and washing one in the sink every night? ????

    Then one day he bought black long-legged underwear. Lots of it. And he does not look like the Calvin Klein billboard model.

    I don’t remember any physical marks. I’m having a vague memory of back scratches as I write this. But that black underwear was a fashion hickey IMHO.

  • Ah yes, I too had a FW who decided very suddenly at 43 that he had to manscape himself. Because it made him “feel younger” and because the hair was “so gross.” Except he hadn’t ever done it before (together for 20+ yrs at that point), I had never complained about the hair, he never seemed bothered by it before, and – the kicker – he only manscaped before business trips. When I finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together, it seemed so obvious and I felt like the world’s dumbest chump. I didn’t even bother to ask about the timing of the shaves – by that point, I had all the info I needed.

    • The manscaping seems to be the red flag these days. My STBX came out of the shower one day and I was shocked to see he was totally shaved. Yup, at 56 it seems it suddenly dawned on him that he “was sweaty down there after working out”. That along with buying his own laundry basket and refusing to let me do his laundry anymore (after 30 years?) because “you just don’t know how I like it done”. It seems so obvious to me now, but I was in the throes of spackle.

      • I did my fws laundry up to exit day.

        The only thing I can think is he always showered at whores, or cleaned up somewhere. Or maybe he left his underwear with whore to wash. I never inventoried his clothes when doing laundry.

        I was hopelessly clueless. I was also hopelessly exhausted. He kept me pretty busy.

        One afternoon on a Saturday (I was starting to get a spidey sense by then) he called me to make a fish delivery to a restaurant that was in kind of a bad area. I said fw, you have never let me go out at night except for church or like things; you never wanted me to be in bad areas; and now you are asking me to go into a bad area on a Saturday night. He just said, never mind I will call someone.

        My guess is he and whore had a hot date and he needed someone to make the delivery. (he had a part-time job helping a friend with a fish business) He wasn’t ready to drop kick me yet, and he figured rightly that I was getting suspicious.

      • My ex FW suddenly started screaming at me one day because I told his clothes wrong. What? Really? I’ve been washing, folding and putting your laundry away for years and all of a sudden The way I do it isn’t correct? Im still not sure what that what about but ????????‍♀️

      • Klootzak started insisting on doing the laundry, too. Same reason. He claimed I ruined clothing, which I never did! In fact, I ran more loads than he did because I would keep red clothes separate and do a load of delicates on gentle cycle. Yet he accused me of not knowing how to do laundry right. Of course, he always acted like I couldn’t do anything right. WTH is their issue with laundry?

        • I don’t remember my fw shaving, but this was before the
          pre-pubescent craze took off. And whore was only five years younger, so still in the same mindset I guess.

          I always did the bikini clean up, but never had the urge to have them yanked out by the roots.

  • Many years ago I dated a guy for 10 years. One day found a piece of paper in this pocket that said holly and written beside a bunch of numbers. He was a mechanic and said it was the item number for a holly carburetor. I found Holly in our bedroom one day when I came home from work early, obviously.

  • Yes, manscaping. The excuse was ” I keep pulling my hair down there in my underwear” SMH. Also, after returning from working out of town, he would immediately go to the washing machine. a man who never did laundry in his life. When confronted, he stopped doing that to “forgetting to pack enough underwear so he had to purchase new ones. Last straw was the injury he suffered by “adjusting himself while half awake one morning”. Of course also out of town for work. That little injury actually fractured his penis. He had to endure a surgical procedure, several sets of shots for the scar tissue and wearing a brace for over 6 months. Not sure what type of gymnastics that took. But I can attest he never once offered me anything like that the whole 32 year marriage. They’re welcome to each other. Now she has a man who’s dick doesn’t work right. He’s only mid 50’s. lol

    • Now THAT is way better consequences than STDs!

      (also my screen name ChumpNoMore seems to be common, maybe I need a new one?)

  • I found out he was writing her college essays for her, which I found saved on his computer. When I confronted him about it, he said that he was doing it because he was considering going back to school and that this act of academic malfeasance was actually him “practicing.”

    I probably could have done the mental gymnastics to believe his excuse were it not for the fact that, at the time, I was completing my master’s degree, and he never once expressed an interest or support for my work.

    I always tried to take the high road but one of my biggest regrets was that I didn’t report this OW to the Dean of her school.

  • My FW just could not figure out how a fully-qualified physician and a certified testing lab could make such a huge mistake diagnosing an STD. I got treatment despite the mystery.

    I was so wrapped up in another trauma that I just dropped it. Two years later, I dropped him.

    • I never suspected anything, and since I had had clean paps I only went every 3 years. So the first time I went (after he had been with her for a year) I was positive for high-risk HPV. My pcp said it could’ve been dormant for many years, but she never said it could be from infidelity. So I didn’t suspect a thing. That was a red flag that I never saw waving.

      2 months later was D-day. THEN it made sense. Yes I dumped him.

      Only then did I tell him about the HPV (my PCP had downplayed it so I did too). He was more worried about his dick falling off then the fact that he gave it to me. Because he obviously only cared about himself and his need for kibbles and for the needs of his own dick.

      • CNM –

        Hey, my Whore Fucker gave me HPV too!

        My gynecologist did the same thing. Very casually told me it could’ve been dormant in me blah blah blah blah blah. I didn’t give where it came from a whole lot of thought at the time. I went through two very painful procedures where they burned off little pieces of my cervix until HPV was gone.

        Of course I told my husband about it when it happened. It wasn’t until a few years later when I found out he was fucking whores during his lunch breaks that I made the connection.

        That monster came within millimeters of giving his wife ovarian cancer from some bad cells he fished out of a prostitute with his cock. Did he stop fucking whores after my HPV experience? Of course not.

        • I’m so sorry. It’s yet another form of abuse and shame. I feel like we should’ve been told that it was a very real possibility that it was due to infidelity. Why wouldn’t they say that?

          I found out later that the OW had had “some kind of cancer” already. Of course he didn’t know what, because she was willing. So thanks dirty dick FW,

        • This happened to me too. And I was only engaged to Fuckwit at the time, not yet married. My doctor never said it could be from my partner and to have him tested. I also had the surgery for squamous cell carcinoma and 16 months later found out Fuckwit, now my husband, had been fucking Craig’s list prostitutes and Adult Friend Finder randos our entire relationship.

          • I imagine that the majority of HPV cases might be just something that really did lay dormant. Maybe?

            It doesn’t seem to be the red flag that other Venereal diseases are, at least not when it comes to being informed by the doctor.

            Anyway, if at that point my doctor would’ve suggested I might have gotten HPV due to infidelity, I probably wouldn’t have believed her. There was no way this caring, beautiful, loving man -my best friend – that I married would cheat on me.


        • Me too.
          Irregular Pap smears. Cervical biopsy twice. LEEP procedure… Scary stuff.

          No more. Never again. On my own solo and no worries!!

      • I, too got HPV. This was from my SECOND cheater. The first one gave me a STI that ruined my fertility. Neither GYN told me about the possibility (probability) that they were from infidelity, although I do remember the first GYN questioning me closely about my own fidelity.

  • I wish I could have been there and said, “Holley, as in carburetors, has an “e” in it. So does LOSERS.” What a couple of tools. I extend my sincere condolences.

  • After physician-x retired, he said he had to go into work on a Saturday afternoon.

    “But you’re retired,” I said.

    Annoyed and angry, he spit out, “I still care about my patients.”

    • Yes. This.

      Below I share that my retired military officer spouse (not yet hired for another job) had a “work dinner” that was a dinner with OW.

      and yes…”annoyed and angry” was their response to any question about it


    • Although I believed him, I know I thought something didn’t add up. And that was the first time I cocked my head and questioned him.

      Even so, I didn’t suspect infidelity. I’m not sure what I thought. He acted so angry and detached during that period. I think I chalked everything up to his struggling with retirement.

      Looking back, I see the degree to which he treated me like shit. I’m so glad I’m free of someone who was willing to do that to me.

  • FW just stopped coming home from work in January 2010. I knew he had been in the house because he obviously needed clean clothes but he always did it when I was at work. One time I thought I would catch him out so I parked my car out of sight and then sat in the living room waiting for him. The look on his face when he saw me was a picture. Not that he tried to give me any excuse he just stood there with his mouth gaping ike a goldfish. I grabbed my car keys and simply said “oh I thought something was missing – like maybe we’d lost the cat – but then I realized we don’t have one”, and I left him to it. Mid-February the ole drama queen came home with my boys (who he had already introduced to the skank!!!) and after much hand wringing told me to expect divorce papers! Not that that worked because three weeks later he didn’t want to “throw away everything we had built over 26 years” (buddy, I didn’t throw anything away), so even then it was still me that had to file. The skank cheated on him a couple of years later and he was furious that she could “treat him so badly”! Laughed my ass off!

  • Oh, another one.

    When we were first married, I got genital warts. X explained that he had had a patient with genital warts.

    “Didn’t you wear gloves?” He responded with something like: “Gloves don’t always work. I mustn’t have washed my hands well enough. blah blah.”

    Decades later, I learned from a new gyn that the only way he got genital warts from a patient was if he had sex with the patient. I wish my gyn (male, military) at the time had given me this information. Then again, I’m sure he would have made up an excuse that I probably would have bought. I was so young and trusting. Dammit!

    • Ex was a airline pilot. Traveled a lot 1 week flying 1 week home. One morning having coffee a crab crawled out of his mustache. Well the whole family got infected. It took a couple of months of constant cleaning to get rid of them. His excuse was he picked it up in the hotel room where the airline provided . He finally left me for another lady pilot, they had so much in common.

      • When you think you’ve heard of all the possible red flags that humanity is capable of producing, a crab then crawls out of a mustache.

        I will never look at mustaches the same way again.

      • Yup. Years ago, I was at work one day and I realized I had crabs in my pantyhose (sorry for the TMI)!!!
        I was horrified and told my then husband. He told me he also had them. His doctor told him he must have gotten them from a dirty toilet seat on a business trip.
        Don’t know which is worse. That he waited to tell me until I got crabs from him or the whole lie about the toilet seat?

    • Right there with you Spinach. My first time admitting this…. I was so young and naïve that I believed his excuse. My FW told me he visited a male friend right before our wedding. When he had taken a shower he realized there was only one towel, and it was wet. So obviously his friend had warts, and he got them from using his wet towel. To this day I want to kick myself for believing that BS.

    • My FW gave me genital warts shortly after we were married, too. Doctors explained it can lie dormant in your system for years… would’ve been awesome if they said how UNCOMMON that is and most cases show up within a couple months after exposure!

  • His latest freak flag is growing his hair long and sporting his late 70’s junior high school hair cut. You know, the guy version of the Farrah Fawcett, parted in the middle and feathered on the sides. Except he is 57, it’s not 1979, he has very straight fine hair which does not feather but falls flat in layers, and instead of cool he looks like a pathetic aging drug dealer trying to recapture glory days which never existed in the first place.

    Love must be blind. I got some brand new glasses here and I am extremely grateful for them.

    • reading all these comments, VH! Love and memory are both blind!
      I just remembered when we were moving in together, the biggest red flag was that there was no one to help him move from his friends. I went to help him pack and clean up his flat.
      I found a disgusting pink pair of women’s brief behind the heater (obviously not mine).
      When I just picked them up with a glove and threw them on the floor, he looked confused “they must belong to the girl who lived here before me”.

      I believed him and completely forgot about this story until now!

  • He told me an elaborate story that the University where he worked was running a program to encourage healthy habits and employees could sign up to be randomly paired with a co-worker as a “walking buddy.” I completely bought this and never once questioned why he was suddenly going on daily walks with his female co-worker.

  • After 19 years of marriage he said he stopped wearing his wedding ring because it bothered him when he golfed.

    It took a few months to discover OW#1 and 9 more years for him to nuke the family entirely.

    He was always a completely inadequate husband.

    • This isn’t a cover up story from him but I was told that after 4 + years (may have been more) that he finally took off his wedding ring when he screwed Rat Face before I finally found out about his multiple APs because he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror anymore. He has no issues being a complete a-hole even 3 years after I kicked him out and divorced him. I read the comments every weekday and see how very common these cheaters are. I love that we chumps are beyond original ❤️

  • So my cheater’s excuse wasn’t actually creative so much as an act of desperation. A hail Mary pass.

    When I found a text from her male “friend” asking her if she though he was the father of her fetus, she told me, “He doesn’t know how babies are made.” “He” was a father of three and a medical professional.

  • There could be an entire article on the hours these FWs suddenly spent primping, buying new underwear, shaving the bits, and carving new goatee shapes. All while insisting there is nothing going on and we are just so controlling for daring to notice.

    They are toddlers.

    • I remember my fw wearing a pink shirt. This was before the year of discard. Anyway, I ask where he got it because he never bought his own clothes. I bought them and brought them home for him to approve.

      He said oh I saw someone wearing on and decided to try it.

      Of course it was likely a gift from whore, but I swallowed it.

  • Mine was a hobby photographer. So it was – oh I need to photograph the sunrise/sunset/hike/lightening. He’d be gone for long of time with that one. Also- work events- like someone’s leaving so we are all meeting at xyz after work. Or someone’s birthday or someone just started and we are going to welcome them. Meanwhile, I couldn’t go because sitters were too expensive and our kids were both under 5.

    • Klootzak was a military officer so people were always coming and going from his command. When my son was born, we could afford a sitter but he didn’t want me hiring one and “bringing germs from some strange person into the house.” So he was always saying he had to go to these social events to welcome the new person or say goodbye to the old one. I wasn’t allowed to go. At his last command, he would lie and tell me there was no command Christmas party every year because he didn’t want me there. I found out after he retired when speaking to the wife of one of his coworkers from the same command. She had attended the Christmas and klootzak had lied and said I had a headache and couldn’t make it.

  • I went over to his apartment and found another females things there. When I confronted him he said that he was lonely and just wanted company, someone to sleep next to. This is when we were working on repairing our relationship, so of course I thought why not me? Why didn’t he ask me? He said she slept over but that they didn’t have sex because he kept his pants on.. I can’t believe I believed it. He’s a sex addict. And as my therapist says, if the drug is there, they’re going to use it

    • My ex rented an apartment because ‘his life coach told him to’. Just to experience being alone.

      I go by there and walk in to see it perfectly decorated. Matching everything. His taste is in his ass. So it was obvious a woman did the selection.

  • I am another victim of the sudden manscaping along with a side helping of reading erotic poetry.. not to me just to himself for no particular reason. I was surprised but then he was an odd person. And by odd, I mean a lying liar who lies.

  • My ex fw had two random carpet burns which I noticed on two occasions, the first was on his forehead after an evening out when he had got home in the early hours drunk. In the morning I asked him what the mark on his forehead was and he said it was where he fell forward and hit his head on the chrome bar whilst looking for a credit card he had drunkenly dropped.
    Absolutely no idea he was capable of infidelity but thought it was odd.

    The second time the carpet burn was on his elbow and he said it must be from using the bike in the gym. Funny, gym bikes never did that to me…

    Oh and there was also the time I insisted he get blood tests for some mineral deficiency cos his thumb nail was caved in and corroded.
    Little did i know that a year later I would discover a box of metal thumbscrews he had purchased off the internet and a cupboard full of my life is a secret freakshow objects. Yup. The stuff of nightmares.

    • WTF?! I would have to Google “metal thumbscrews” to know what that is, but I think I’ll pass! That gives me nightmares just thinking about it! Sick bastards!

      • Don’t ever google that stuff.

        I was on a weight watchers general forum once and the topic went to that stuff. Someone mentioned “plating”. I googled it. “my eyes, my eyes”.

        Que lecture from someone telling me I have no right to be disgusted by that kind of kink, because perfectly normal people enjoy it. Yeah, no.

          • mine was addicted to Milwaukee tools. He collected women and tools. Actually he is a hoarder, and wants everything for himself. Including wanting everyone to like him. I know it eats him up inside that I despise him. And that there is nothing he can do to ever change that.

          • Mine was a hoarder of tools, but never did diy projects. Makes me wonder…
            that and going out of town and returning injured.

        • I’m not going to google either.
          Just the names “thumb screw” and “plating”. are scary.
          I can live my life without knowing.

          • Yep. I used to love to shop thrift shops for unique dishes, ruined that forever for me.

            Especially clear plates. Gahhh.

            I will stop now.

          • Brit,

            I googled it (????????) People can be very creative with their kinks and fetishes.
            Doesn’t WW have a moderator to report that kind of trolling ? ????

            • I have no idea. It was about ten ish years ago; and that was the only forum I was on at that time. Those gals could be funny, but it got randy sometimes.

  • After Dday#1 (or #2? I can’t remember) I was playing the role of marriage police in wreckonciliation and caught wind that she wasn’t where she told me she would be by 2 am that day (i.e., at our home, sleeping; we were living apart then). When I confronted her I got the deer in the headlights stare for a few seconds and then “you know I just joined the gym, right?”. That is how little she thinks of my intelligence.

  • My ex-dumbass was smart to never have any physical signs-but he did get sent home early from some government training for his job.

    He said it was because he knocked on the hotel room of a female (who was there for training as well) late at night to offer her a half empty bottle of rum since he was leaving in a few days and couldn’t take it with him.

    According to the shit stain-she “overreacted” and called security.

    Of course-he explained it was all a misunderstanding…

    I always wonder if he ever got written up for that incident-since they were so freaked out they sent him home an entire 2 days early ????????????.

    What a fucktard….

  • Early in our marriage he got fired from his job and had to move back near his family to work for his brother. Since there was a woman prior to him getting fired in the other state we were living he couldn’t be without her, he made an elaborate plan to go back to her. He planned to “disappear” once there and work for cash so as to avoid paying child support.

    At the time I was pregnant with our third child. That night before he left he spoke as if he was sleep talking saying that angels were around us and everything was going to be okay. Later that day he never came home from work. Then I get a call from him in the middle of the night where he makes up a big fish tale about being kidnapped and the kidnapper forced him to drink and drive several states but because he was clever he escaped. Then as he was driving home got pulled over for a DUI and could I call his friend Steve to bail him out.

    The real story was he headed back to the state of the job he lost where she was. Without a job now and now a virtual bum he was no longer appealing to her, she told him NO thanks. Now he was devastated and a very sad sausage and decided to drink up a storm to soothe his aching heart. On the way back to us (his plan B) he got pulled over for a DUI and thrown in jail.

    I think what gets me more than anything was his plan to “work for cash” so he wouldn’t have to support his children. What a cess pool of garbage he is. Unfathomable!

    I have also experienced him manscaping his privates. Even after years of doing nothing to himself then out of the blue he is all clipped down there. I asked him about it and said his hair got in the way of peeing and his pee streams would divide into several as they hit his hair and felt this was too messy. It was so contrived but he thought it would stick and I’d believe it.

    He also came to me once and said “Would it please you if I shaved all my body hair off?” Like he wanted to do this for me….right! Then he wanted me to teach him hand stuff on a woman so “he could please me better”. Right!! I told him the straight up truth right then and there that he was a crappy lover and stunk in bed. No amount of coaching or technique would fix it.

      • Lol, well…. that is one of the reasons I half chumpily believed him at the time because he has a “micro penis”. That is a real term to Google. But our whole married life he never complained about urination issues. I would see him pee from time to time … nothing unusual. Not several streams going every which way. You would think he would be very shy and self conscious but nooooo I had a raging sex addict on my hands. He says since before we were married.

  • X said he had gone to pick up something from a friend. Should have taken an hour. Three hours later he still wasn’t home. I kept calling and finally he picked up. There had been a car accident and he had to give mouth to mouth to a driver and pull the driver out of the car or it would have exploded. I asked if he was worried about back injuries and possible paralysis (for the driver) and X who was a nurse said: “Who cares.” I asked how he gave mouth to mouth since he was a germaphobe and he said he made a funnel with his hand and blew air this way. He said he had to wait for police and the ambulance and give a statement. I called his friend who lived in that area and he drove down and checked and there had been no accident. By that point I was so frazzled by all of X’s behaviours that I couldn’t even think straight.

    • Mine had to suddenly urgently get the car washed. It took him two hours aaaand the car was closed fifteen minutes after he left – I checked. Lying bastard!

  • Mine was secretly undergoing cosmetic surgery. Despite being an outspoken critic of anyone else who had it.

    Her best excuse for a swollen eye was: “Somone opened the champagne at the office Xmas party and the cork hit me in the eye!”

  • One week post DDay, he was still denying the affair.

    “The reason I didn’t come home last night, and that you see on our debit card that I paid for an expensive restaurant, ice skating, and parking in the city, is that – first of all, my credit card was denied. [cue Rage] I’m assuming you did something to cut off my credit card? WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT?” (Nothing. Apparently you maxed out your own credit card buying her an engagement ring, that I happened to find the receipt for while you were gone. Oops!)

    “[Continue rage] You have no right to be mad at me! I had a very traumatic night. [switch. Pity.] My coworker called me from the city. She was ice skating with her friends, and she fell and hit her head. She called me (an hour away) to take her to the hospital and I had to stay there all night until her parents got there.”

    Me: “What happened to her friends? And that doesn’t explain the restaurant or the two parking decks.”

    Him: [switch. Rage.] “You are so cruel, can’t you see she needed someone to be there with her? She had left a bar tab open, so I had to go pay that for her, and I had to get her car out of the parking deck and the other one is because I was parking at the hospital until this morning. [Switch. Pity.] She is still laying there in the hospital, her brain is bleeding. I can’t believe you’re mad right now. And why are you stalking my debit card?”

    Joint bank account. City is more than an hour away, but evidently coworker with brain bleed called him to rescue her. And apparently the restaurant is totally fine with her and her friends leaving a hefty open tab while they go across town to go ice skating. And what exactly did you do with your car while you were driving her car…

    ???? ????????

    • I just realized this was exactly a year ago this weekend! I was hurting so much then. I am so happy I can now look back at those moments and laugh. To everyone in the thick of dealing with FW’s, it really does get better.

      Husband milked the hospital excuse the whole week. My friends now call OW “brain bleed girl.”

        • Well somehow he had to get creative since I had all that evidence 🙂 His normal excuses were something impressively lame like “I fell asleep at my desk” and “Oh I got this weird mark on my face from the microwave.” I am ashamed to say I actually believed the microwave story, but now I’m laughing as I write it.

      • He went to a restaurant with her in the middle of the pandemic, in winter where they had to be inside? I would have chucked his ass out for that alone.

        • I don’t know if the dining was indoor or out. The dominatrix he Venmo’d though… that definitely was inside. If only I hadn’t bred with the FW.

  • The olfactory hickey. His group meeting of colleague at home when I was out working and the kids were at school. It was a compact home. Later it smelt of perfume. When I went to bed that night I could still smell perfume – strongly. Sadly I trusted and did not make the connection until reading a CL column much later.
    (x also began to manscape and demanded I reciprocate. Thought it was the porn he liked).
    yeech – glad to be free.

    • In the first facebook post of schmoopie after he had discarded me, sadly this is the first thing I noticed. Even though she had on shorts and a tank top, I could just tell…….freshly shaved. He was likely dizzy with delight in marking his territory and taking her photo. She is smiling stupidly thinking about how lucky she is to have finally found twu wuv. There is a very similar photo of me (40 years ago) and it was one of the few things he took with him when he abruptly left our home of forty years and immediately moved in with her. Trophies. Like serial killers.

      She had on a walmart set of teenager shorty shorts and sleeveless gray men’s tank. Cheap. The same outfit he would buy for me and try and convince me to wear it around town with my ass hanging out the bottom of the shorts and nipping up top. He even suggested once that I wear something like that to a job interview. I replied, “I guess we are not on the same page about what job I am actually applying for!”

      He was always trying to shave me during our marriage. I played along in the early years but then just got turned off by it. It had a dark connection I could feel – it was about control and some porn connection he was getting jollies off.

      CL is right. Trust that they suck.

      • Just today, I saw a photo that’s been circulating of Prince Albert and the woman he sexually assaulted/abused (then a teen), the one with Ghislaine Maxwell lurking in the background. It instantly brought to mind photos of trophy hunters proudly displaying fresh kills.

  • My ex fuckwit was so vocal every year about the extra work he did to mow our large lawn. He was so burdened and doing so much more than his fair share, etc. etc. So when he pulled a sudden discard attack and switcheroo to bring schmoopie into first place after 40 years of marriage, I was concerned about being able to keep up with the mowing by myself.

    What I learned very quickly is that – a person does not need to go to town every Saturday morning and buy gas for the lawnmower! I filled up a gas can in April and was still using it in August.

    I was such a chump. It’s humiliating how much pure love and trust I dished out to such an obviously disgusting human.

    • My Cheater was not just mean about doing our taxes, he was fucking abusive.

      I knew when he sat in front of his computer with TurboTax engaged, it would be demands, insults and scathing criticisms shot at me like lightening bolts until the process was done. He would scream what document he needed next and I would scurry around to find it and deliver it to His Majesty (poor thing was doing SUCH a hard task!!).

      After he died, I steadied myself in front of the computer to do the taxes – prepared for the challenge of my life. I entered this and that blah blah until I was done and hit send.

      For a few minutes, realizing that is Wasn’t That Hard…I had a horrible realization of just how abusive that previous process had been.

      • Unicornnomore – it has been an interesting year of reveal – and finding out that there is almost NOTHING he was actually doing! I’ve always done all the finanacial and the taxes so that didn’t change. He did have to go through his attorney who contacts my attorney, etc. because he discovered (after he made his big discard and walked away) that, damn it if the world didn’t expect he had copies of his tax return and a copy of his birth certificate. I held back for weeks on those items…….fucker found out he wasn’t so smart after all.

        But, he kept me so under control for decades with that – being a mere female I would probably die in helplessness if he ever left me.

        The only jobs I have found that I wasn’t already doing 100% of the time anyway – were the lawnmowing as mentioned above, reading the rural water meter once a month (it takes literally 2 minutes and an elementary student could do it) and he SOMETIMES took out the trash with a big hurrump of pissy attitude. I absolutely LOVE now taking out the trash. The house is now always very clean, the bathroom is shiny, and my wonderful trash service comes every Monday like clockwork.

        Congrats on your tax return! My lesbian friend reminds me I can do anything, I just need to give myself more time to accomplish it and look at ways to work smarter instead of with muscle.

        • If FW was doing something, say, downstairs, and I was doing something upstairs, when he wanted something he always called me and asked me to “come here”. It would never occur to him to actually come to me. Nope, I had to drop what I was doing and go to him. When I got fed up of this and just started yelling back an answer man-oh-man did he get pissed!

          • Klootzak was in the Navy. I brought my lawn mower I had bought in 1992 to the marriage. I mowed the lawn all the time because he was gone a lot and when he was home he was too tired and busy with who knows what. A few years back when I had a toddler, I continued mowing the lawn while I had a broken finger. He was on shore duty then and not traveling much but couldn’t be bothered. The old mower sounded awful when it ran, hardly wanted to start. I had already had the engine repaired once and I had to yank and yank to get it going. Well, the cord snapped. I said fuck it. That’s it. I started researching to buy a new mower. Now, I was always the type to not make major purchases without discussion (unlike him), so I showed him the model I wanted and he got pissed and said “we” don’t need a new mower; just fix the cord. Well duh, I had tried and failed and it was time for a new mower anyway. He refused. Nope. I was not “allowed” to buy a new mower. So I stopped mowing and let the grass grow.

            While the grass was growing, I spent my previous mowing time posting kiddo’s old things for sale and selling old clothes and baby things here and there. I eventually saved up the $300 for a new mower and went and bought it.

            He wasn’t mad then because I had not touched the thousands sitting in the household savings. I got it set up and started mowing and it was bliss! Started right away like a dream, easier to clean, and folded up to store upright and take less room. I even waxed it. Heaven! It lasted a month or two and then guess what? Suddenly, klootzak decided he wanted to mow because I had “not been doing it right.” He wanted the grass cross cut like a baseball stadium. So now he will mow the lawn with MY mower because it’s super easy.

            Taxes? He griped about them so much when we met. I used to volunteer for IRS VITA program when I was in law school, doing taxes for free for low income people. I kinda love it, actually, and still use paper and pencil. When we got married, I took over doing the taxes. He has no idea about how to do them right.

            But the way he would call me to his office to discuss something took the cake. He acted like I had to answer to him. Like he was the boss. The last time he did it was when he wanted to tell me to waive my right to military survivor’s benefits if he died. I said no, not unless I own and am the irrevocable beneficiary of a private life insurance policy so something is in place for me to finish raising our child. He said no and said if I forced him to get life insurance, then that would be the end of us. He had previously threatened to divorce me over the issue and alleged that I was only married to him out of convenience. So I said, “Last week, you accused me of being married to you out of convenience. I would like to inform you that life with you has been anything BUT convenient. If you want to go, there’s the door. I’m not signing to give up survivor benefits without insurance in place.” He quickly made the appointment for the health check to set it up. Then he wanted me to sign and again I said no, not until the health check comes back and they have accepted the first premium. Don’t like it? Then go. He didn’t like it but he didn’t go and I stuck to my guns.

            He never called me to his office again.

            • Two early red flags in a marriage doomed to fail. Or how to show your wife and your children how unprotective of them you really are. They both involve insurance or really the lack of.

              A young family buys a big house that they really can’t afford with help from the cheater-to-be’s father, a successful attorney. Impression management for the attorney and his wife ? Some of the neighbors even comment “how can they afford it ?” since they know what the father does for a living. It was supposedly a starter home for the young man but he will eventually downsize through his marriages.
              His young wife, a housewife with two little ones to care for plus the house and an acre of property with lots of trees, encourages him to buy a life insurance policy. He does after some protesting but then unilaterally stops making payments. The wife is alarmed and the husband declares “If anything happens to me, my parents will take care of you and the kids.” She replies “It’s not their responsibility! What are you doing ?! We just bought this big house ?”

              El Cheapo/Monsieur Radin doesn’t want to pay for an insurance rider to cover the Tiffany silver flatware and tea set or his wife’s jewelry (what little jewelry there was. See archives for “Narcs Always Give Shitty Gifts or No Presents at All”). During the couple’s divorce proceedings, the house is robbed. There goes the wedding silver plus the jewelry, including little bits and bobs from the daughter’s room.

              How to show your spouse and children how little you care.

              • Yup. That’s why I own it, I cannot be removed as beneficiary, and I make the payments. His resistance to get it was a red flag to me he might get it and then not pay and let it lapse. I’m the only sane parent looking out for our son’s interest.

  • I am SUCH a chump, that AFTER reading all these responses, I realize….
    That I STILL didn’t know the extent of his entire fabricated life, until now.
    He started manscaping. Check.
    He started running with his co worker(s) after work to “get in shape” ( He was a two pack a day cigarette smoker. )Hmmm Check.
    He was out a lot “helping friends.” Check.
    Had to go to Target at 7:30 pm “to get something he needed” Check.
    I’m surprised he didn’t say he had to walk the dog.
    We didn’t have a dog.
    Wow, I really was a chump.
    I maintained until recently that he “only” had emotional affairs.
    Now… I see.
    Divorce final countdown: 34 Days!

    • Congratulations on the divorce countdown!

      I’ve learned a lot, too. Mine was “biking with coworkers.”
      He spent a lot of time “helping” coworkers move, and with repairs around the house including a roof. (He never helped with repairs around our house and couldn’t clean the gutters because he was “afraid of heights.”)
      And I actually believed the emotional affair thing, too.

    • Don’t feel bad. Mine would go running “with a running group.” But he would shower and shave BEFORE going. I repeat, he would shower before going for an alleged 7 or 8 mile run. ????

  • He had just gotten out of the shower when I noticed 4 raw looking scratches, 3 or 4 inches long, on his shoulder. I knew what they looked like, but asked him how he had gotten them. He said he’d been on the roof, shirtless, to fix the flashing around the chimney. He was evidently working while laying on his back because he said he had slipped (but caught himself before he went over the edge and the scratches were caused by the asphalt shingles. I bought it. Because . . . he was a great guy and he’d never do anything sleazy like that – right?

    I figured later (after D-Day) that she had very likely done it on purpose, as she was tired of being kept a secret.

  • This one wasn’t a coverup, but after I found out what was going she told me I “just didn’t give her clear enough guidelines”. Like, don’t jump into bed with that guy.

    Naturally, the RIC thought this sounded totally reasonable.

    • OMG, this one I can really relate to. Apparently I never said that we weren’t in an open marriage and BEFORE we committed to each other, and lived together, we had other relationships concurrently. We weren’t officially together and lived in different countries and I was transparent with the other men I was dating. So therefore I had given my consent to serial infidelity while we were married along with being emotionally and physically neglected. Mmm-ok. He was indeed shocked that I was so upset. ????

      • My X told me that he didn’t remember vowing to ‘forsake all others’ when we got married. Asshat!
        What the F is marriage, then? Also, he went ballistic if I even spoke to a guy, or mentioned a guy’s name. He was a complete hypocrite..

      • They really do all have the same playbook.

        When she acted like it was no big deal, I suggested she should therefore have no problem with us discussing it with her sister or his wife.

        Obviously, that never happened.

  • He took all of my ski clothing and raced out the door saying his brother’s girlfriend needed to borrow it. Weird that she had her own ski clothes just a few days before. Oh yes, he took them for the woman he was cheating with. Caught them all in a lie as he and his brother had different stories about the borrowed ski clothes. Thank god I am no longer living in that house of lies.

    • This is just crazy. You have to wonder what lie he told OW about whose clothes they were. Probably that it was his brother’s girlfriend’s stuff? Yuck. I don’t think I could ever put any of it back on!

      • Yeah it was just one of many asshole moves. Also prompted me to check his messages on his phone for the first time in our relationship. That’s where I saw them chatting about borrowing my clothes. So this woman knew they were mine! But the Big Lie being told was that we were in an open relationship. And all of his friends just went along and covered for his lies.
        His cruelty got 100 times worse after confronted with the evidence. It’s just kind of pathetic how special these people think they are and how little they care for anyone else. When I finally came to my senses and decided to leave him, he claimed I abandoned him. That was just a slap in the face after being completely gutted by a year of me being the only one trying to save our relationship while he continued to be ‘confused’ and ‘broken’. Chump to the max here.

  • Most likely, I will never top my award winning “Broken Kneecap” story but I will throw this one in for good measure since it was on actual Dday…

    Cheater had retired from the military and had not yet accepted a job in the private sector – he was holding out for The Best Job Ever.

    He told me on a Sunday afternoon that he had a “work dinner” (not a “preliminary interview” or “networking” dinner) about 30 miles north and he had to be there (with an unspoken subtext of me not being needed/wanted).

    How very odd that he had a “work dinner” when he didn’t currently work (but “work” was his go-to excuse, so why deviate now?)

    Turns out, Susan of Seattle (The Most Prominent OW) was in town for her job as a military rep in sales and scheduled this “meeting” with him first thing. Even after discovery, I still pictured that he was at a restaurant when I called to tell him I found the smoking-gun of an email to her. Most likely, they were wiping sex juices off at about the time I called.

    I label her as Most Prominent because she was the one he wanted to leave me for, I thought for years that she was either The Only or maybe there was maybe one other. 8 years later, when preparing for my subsequent marriage, the Deacon let on that he had admitted to “earlier affairs” …with an S.

    CL has said that she thinks that serial cheating is likely the most common sort and I have come to believe that is likely true.

  • Lying in our bed at 11:30 at night, the phone rings. I answered and said “Hello? Hello?” to the sound of someone breathing…skank hung up – but not before her answering machine kicked in a played a message giving me her name and asking me to leave a message! I turned to cheaterpants and asked why I’d be getting calls from Ronda the Honda. He went absolutely white, gave me a deer in the headlights look and said he certainly didn’t know…two days later, when I bring it up he snaps “Anyone could have made that call!” 1) Nobody should have been in that office at that time of night and 2) Obviously he’d talked with skank about it. Skank was an employee of the office the phone call originated from and already had a reputation for sleeping with married men and then telling the wives. Of course, stupid cheaterpants didn’t know about that part of her kink.

    • For years in my career, I was a worker bee with no office and no phone of my own. I had just gotten promoted and acquired my own phone.

      I did not know that my work blocked caller ID on outgoing calls. One day I called Cheater from my desk and he said “who is this?”.

      Later in an argument when he was blaming for Everything, he said “For God sake, Uni, you call me from blocked numbers !!”

      An innocent husband likely wouldn’t mind

      • Hindsight is 20/20. I torture myself with things I ought to have noticed right away. Was “Who is this?” a tip off that he was talking with more than one OW? I’m sure you’ve thought about that at particularly low points in your life.

        That post about the bracelet in the car by GiveTimeTime reminded me of the occasion when I found a big, cheap hoop earring in the passenger side of our car. He “had no idea” where it came from. This was a short while before he began “taking the car to Nashville to get it worked on”.

        I feel so sorry for myself, being such a blind trusting fool. Until that woman actually PHONED me, I had no clue he was cheating.

        • Yikes – I had forgotten the following.

          While preparing for a wreckonciliation trip he requested, I kept my eyes open for the VERY particular requirements he had for a swimsuit. Basically, a style which was no longer in fashion. I found one at a thrift shop and called him to let him know that I had left it on his back porch. He responded “Oh, was that you?”

          The back porch had been our back porch for over 25 years. Not only did I move out, I continued trying to work on our marriage. Ouch.

        • Oh good God they are lame. Mine tried to claim the key ring I’d found in the car was from our lawyer. Our lawyer gave out well made, heavy king rings as gifts which had the name of her firm on them. This one had no name on it and was cheap crap.
          That was after Dday, so why he bothered to lie….well, I guess it’s just because he likes to lie.

          Don’t torment yourself for trusting. It’s because you are a good person and couldn’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing.

    • Omg. Your story just reminded me of a time when we’d get a call every day from a ‘nobody’ on the home phone. The kids used to call it our ghost caller. FW seemed equally puzzled at the time. Interestingly they never called when I was home.
      Even though the divorce was 18months ago I still get these aha moments. Like when visiting old friends of ours who’s moved to the state I’m now living in, she admitted that FW made a couple passes at her. And other friends telling me at Xmas that he’d tried it on with a mutual acquaintance, someone we both disliked.

      • What kind of “friends” wouldn’t tell you immediately? After my brother’s divorce from his cheating wife, his friends came to him in droves reporting inappropriate behavior by the wife! Why do these idiots not speak up at the time?

        • That is what gets me. How can folks know this shit is going on and yet are content to look the betrayed in the eye and pretend nothing is happening.

          Just another layer of the abuse.

        • I am that “friend.” A friend of mine was finally pregnant after years of trying. She was in her late 30s and in a fragile condition. Klootzak and I were visiting them from out of town and staying at their house. She went to bed early and I was still finishing my post dinner glass of wine before going to bed myself. Her husband pulls out a photo album from somewhere to show klootzak and me. Klootzak was super drunk and didn’t see the husband dude run his hand up my leg. I wanted to vomit. I smacked his hand and scuttled off to the other side of the room, announcing I was tired – good night all! I went to bed and cried so hard. I didn’t know what to do. I told klootzak when he came to bed and he didn’t seem bothered. The next morning he we t running with the guy. I wanted to leave but klootzak said that was rude! I cut the trip short. I struggled and decided I couldn’t tell her. I was sick over it. I distanced myself from her, which wasn’t hard since we lived states apart now and she is not on social media. It has been many years. They are still married and seem quite happy and we exchange Christmas cards. But I still feel terrible and have always felt she would hate me or that I was somehow to blame. She is a great person who doesn’t deserve a hisband like him or a “friend” like me.

          I’m a sack of shit.

          • To be fair, I think it is difficult to tell someone else their spouse made a pass at you (thankfully I haven’t been in this position, but I can imagine how hard it must have been for you); it’s like in cases where a person finds evidence/hears a confession to cheating, one of the main reasons they don’t tell seems to be they know there’s a chance they won’t be believed, then suffer some kind of consequences not of their own making. It’s just another shit sandwich – the cheater naturally just takes advantage of people wanting to avoid the consequences of *cheater’s* shitty behaviour.

            • “the cheater naturally just takes advantage of people wanting to avoid the consequences of *cheater’s* shitty behavior.”

              Yep, Chumps generally get the worst of the shit, but they use others too.

          • Wait YOU’RE a sack of ???? ?! Your pregnant friend’s creepy husband makes a pass at you, in front of your husband (!) and you’re at fault ?! WRONG ! Of course you felt disgust. And CREEP was beyond rude for doing that, putting you in such a difficult position. I bet he justified it to himself “my wife is having a difficult (maybe even life threatening) pregnancy and MY needs aren’t being met ! ???? “

  • The antibiotics he was taking for “groin pain” were for an infection he got from brushing his teeth. I kid you not. He really tried to sell me that a doctor told him it was common for tooth brushing to dislodge mouth bacteria that could cause an infection in his balls.

    • Once upon a time, I would have believed this.

      Never ran into this with my ex, but your ex’s tall tale reminds me of a weird story from a housemate (male traveling nurse who’d recently told me about past cheating escapades, among other unsavory red flag confessions). On a holiday weekend, I agreed to give him a ride to an urgent care facility – he clearly didn’t want anyone at the hospital to know – for a “UTI,” because they wouldn’t just prescribe him the antibiotics he knew he needed. I can’t quite remember the details, because it didn’t make sense. He was really agitated, but in a creepy, contained kind of way. I *knew* he was lying through his teeth, and in that moment, I realized I’d grown far more skeptical and discerning. A year prior – still the trusting chump who’d had her intuition undermined by years of gaslighting – I would’ve been confused, but I would’ve believed what he wanted me to, and I even would’ve felt sorry for him. I moved out of my post-dday purgatory rental shortly thereafter, and I experienced no guilt cutting contact with this guy, which I also read as a good sign.

      And was a good thing, too, because a few months later, he tried to call me several times while having a nervous breakdown after the young nurse he’d befriended and fallen in love with (in spite of his needy, difficult, ungrateful fiancée back in Thailand… a blameshifting narrative I also didn’t buy) had turned him down (the nerve of that manipulative, vindictive bitch). He was unhinged, full of rage and self-pity, and I stayed the fuck away. I learned from a friend that he’d relapsed and had spent days walking all over town until his knees grew so swollen he couldn’t walk.

  • I have to stick with his recent response to my discovering his bag of dicks. When I presented him with the bag of dicks (plus lube and cleaner, all safely ensconced in one of my homemade bread bags), he seamlessly and immediately reverted to FW concealer mode and reached into his ever handy library of lies. Although I asked for only 1 answer, I was given 3 different answers to “WTF is THIS?”
    A private health matter!
    I didn’t use them with anyone else!
    I have been thinking about throwing them out!
    I would love to see these run through the UBT….

    • A couple of years ago I accidentally found a bag of dicks (dildos and anal sex toys)! I confronted ex – asked directly if he was cheating but he vehemently denied. His justification : he had just bought them – he wanted to experiment – and he certainly wasn’t gay! If it made me feel better he would get rid of the toys and that was that. I can’t believe I didn’t press on finding out the truth – but since then my gut never felt right.
      Last year I found (also accidentally) messages arranging sex dates with prostitutes – guess I know now when these toys were ment to be used.
      Other bright red flags i missed at the moment : the manscaping (feels better), the new underwear (needed updating), the extra phone in his car (installing some apps for a client), the sudden vast security on phone/laptop (safety measure – works in IT), being on the phone all the time (just chatting with friends), the blue pills in his shirt in the laundry basket (for his headaches).
      Looking back I really can’t believe I was so gullible – I blame myself for staying all those years – I should have left the first time my gut alarmed me.

      I want to thank Chump Lady for this site – knowing other people went to similar things helps so much.

  • He suddenly wanted to learn about the Bible and take Bible classes

    At a female family friend’s church

    God called him

    • Well, I hope he started with a certain commandment.
      It’s hard to be charitable here.
      When a person uses their faith to cheat, part of me wants them to experience the Biblical-level wrath that they deserve. ⚡️????⚡️

    • As a faith based person that old “God” excuse thing really bothers me.

      My daughter in law told me just recently (we had been talking since fw died; then my brother and his wife died etc) that whore told her once that she believed God sent her to fw when he needed her.

      Daughter in law told her that God does not send other women to steal another woman’s husband. Then she said “also Susie is a wonderful woman, and you are sitting there talking about (sons name) mother” Dil said she wanted to say I didn’t know God was in the pimp business; but she held her tongue.

      She said she just changed the subject.

      I do think that those who use Gods name like that, will suffer the worst consequences, whether we see it or not. Not because God will rain down on them; but because anyone who would use God as an excuse for their own sins; will continue to do stupid stuff. They have no shame or sense.

      Oh and quite frankly if anyone thinks I am blaming the sainted OW; there is no doubt in my mind that fw told her exactly that. He was the one involved in church and putting up the Christian family man image; she was not even involved in any church when he was meeting up with her in the alleys.

      These folks do a lot of blame shifting to keep the nookey flowing; but putting it on God is the worst.

  • We shared a driveway with our neighbors so they got to witness a lot of FW’s drunken antics, and he gaslit both of us. 1. I noticed a very large bottle of wine in the recycle bin when I came home from work and my Ex with red cheeks and slurred words told me the neighbors must have put their wine in our bin (checked with the neighbors who definitely did NOT do that) 2. One night while sitting outside drinking I had gone to bed without realizing he was outside and I locked the door. Our neighbors were also outside enjoying the night a few yards away from him. He thought he was locked out so he got a ladder and used it to climb up to a second-story window and crawl into the house- if he hadn’t been blotto drunk he would have remembered where we hide the key outside- neighbors couldn’t stop laughing at him the whole time. And finally one other drunken evening he attempted to back out his SUV from our driveway to park on the public street. He backed right into our neighbor’s tree and completely shattered his back window and left the glass all over the driveway. The next day he told me that it was SO cold that the window just shattered. When he explained to our neighbor (she later told me) he said that a gunshot had shattered his back window. We compared stories and had a good long laugh about that one.

  • Mine was slick and I was so supportive that I never questioned his absences, his late night home, his lack of reciprocity or care about what was going on with me, his blank stare when I tried to have a conversation with him and his absence despite physical presence. I mean there’s so much more but those should have all been neon red flags. The thing is that he had started his discard, under the guide of stress, as soon as I moved in with him a decade earlier so I just assumed it was normal. And I suppose it was.

  • Knave-man suddenly began wearing a particular classic and expensive aftershave that years earlier, I said made him smell irresistible.
    He also began to manscape and suggested that I “go Brazilian.”
    It felt great that he was trying to spice up OUR sex life.

    • Mine started using Viagra. I thought this was to spice up *our* sex life. But it turns out he was using me as a kind of target practice.

      I also noticed he started doing different moves stuff during sex. I thought it was all porn-inspired. (He was addicted to porn.) But now I think he’d learned new moves from her.????

      Then we started having sex less frequently. He said it was the stress of work.

      After D-Day, I noticed a charge on our joint credit card for more Viagra. He said, “It’s not what you think.” I’m not sure why he bothered to lie at that point. Habit, I guess.

  • I had tuned into a spy cam I left in our bedroom (months of suspicion and only gaslighting went into that decision). I got an alert of movement and when I tuned in, there was a very drunk wife getting dressed while the other guy was putting on a shirt.

    “I was so drunk, I crapped myself and he helped me get changed. He was changing his shirt because he spilled beer.”

    It’s not even funny; actually it’s just sad. And it’s the most bizarre excuse I received… but not by much 🙁

  • The excuse when he left 2 days early for a work trip:
    “Boss wants me to entertain the clients”.

    The excuse when I couldn’t reach him at the hotel those 2 days:
    “The hotel was overbooked so I had to room with a coworker; the front desk won’t have me on their list til Monday.”

    The excuse when I confronted him with a $$$ bill for a hotel room close to our house, from that same weekend:
    “Sorry I lied about the work trip, but I was there alone, I just needed to think.”

    The excuse when I pointed out it was a 4-star hotel we couldn’t possibly afford (and charged to a secret credit card):
    “Don’t worry, my boss helped me pay for it, he understands my situation.”

    Extra points because
    1) that was our anniversary weekend, and
    2) I’d spent the whole weekend exhausted, taking care of our toddlers who were very sick.

      • My ex also withdrew funds secretly. The source was not secret per se — it was a checking account meant for his personal enrichment. The withdrawal of funds in Germany while on a work trip and supposedly banned from withdrawal of any kind of cash (my request after finding out he was paying for sex) was the alarm that signaled his entitled and secretive behavior continued. At that point I knew it was not salvageable. Yet I hung on another couple of months until I was so revolted by his presence that a divorce was the only possible choice.

  • I said during sex, “you manscaped” “who are you cheating with” ? He says “you know I have to shave for my dermatology appointment”. He had been shaving his legs before appointments. It had been 1.5 years since he had appointment

    • Fyi, one is only required to shave before a dermatology appointment when one is getting laser hair removal. Only reason.

  • So my FW manscaped long before me. Actually when he was cheating on his wife. So it was her red flag, and I don’t know what she did with that, besides eventually divorce him (after he had 6 different affairs).

    I HATED his shaved chest because it was always prickly. I never told him, because it’s what he wanted. It’s so nice to now have a bear of a guy – soft and furry.

    • Mine always manscaped everything too! Chest, arms, armpits, legs, privates, everything. I’d never met anyone who did this till I met my serially cheating FW. Are people wanting to be APs just that repulsed by chest/leg/armpit hair on men or what? Lol, I don’t get it.

      • FWs care about their image. They’re all show. That’s why they need us, why they gaslight and hoover us, they want to keep that image of a good family man/woman. And their hairless-ness is because they think they are god’s gift/sex god porn stars.

      • Just my few cents worth on this. My X did that too, I didn’t know why. He said that’s all for me. I came across an article that Asian women want their men to do this. They hate any body hair. NB we were in an Asian country at that time, conclusion easy.

    • Does plucking nose hairs count as manscaping? If so, silly me for not picking up on that red flag. My ex, while working as a ranger in the middle of nowhere, dropped his intern OW an enticing email about shaving and doing push-ups for her. Sexy beast. (For the record, I can do more pull-ups and push-ups than old spaghetti-arms.)

        • LOL, Letitsnow, my XW did that too. It was after Dday#1 and was preceeded and followed by several aesthetic procedures I cannot even name. I only understood what was going on when I finally got to see some close up photos of the AP. Hideous, but with white glowing teeth. I bet many of his teeth have porcelain veneer on. The fact that the guy is so awful adds insult to injury. He is a 48 yo man who off-duty is always sporting either a backward cap, dyed balding hair or a shaved head. Very thick gold necklace and huge wristwatch. Also huge is his belly atop of two very thin legs. Shaved chest and arms covered with the tackiest tatoo I’ve ever seen: a saxophone blowing off the night – dusk, moon and stars. Oh, and designed eyebrows. His smile is oddly asymmetrical as if he got muscular paralisys on one side of the face. I don’t know if it is too boastful of me to believe that I can do better than that with just a shower and combing my hair, but I do.

          The point is, she was trying to play in his league. Funny thing is he dumped her later on grounds of not being in his league of hotness ???? (I swear I am not making this shit up).

          The big red flag was already waving (and I didn’t realize) when my prude of a wife, who once considered wearing a veil to the mass (!), who faked being ashamed of having sex with the lights on or letting me go down on her, well this very modest person suddenly announced that she was covering a birth mark on the side of her buttock with a large tatoo of a fairy, all the way down to the ankle (again: I am not making any of this shit up – a fairy!). And to think I begged her for not doing so! (to her derision: “you are not the boss of me!”)

          And what was not my surprise the day she went full brazilian! ????

          All this transformation within just a year or so.

          My mom must have dropped me head first to the ground when I was a baby. This is the only explanation I have for needing three Ddays shortly after all this shitshow to realize what I was dealing with????‍♂️

  • Those are not texts popping up, I’m playing Candy Crush.

    Literally saw dozens of text bubbles.

    They will try to make you disbelieve your own eyeballs.

    • Took me years to realize he was not playing candy crush, words with friends or angry birds.. it was all a messaging app for him.

  • And one more:

    Mr. Media Blue-dot Knave-man used getting a story or a feature to openly tell me of his conquests – in real time – in a way that I wouldn’t suspect. I think this gave him pleasure.

    Example: While covering the aftermath of the earthquake in Chile, I receive a text:
    “Eating ceviche with a sex worker right now, whose livelihood was decimated by the economic impact of the earthquake, but expects it to ramp up when reconstruction efforts begin – poss [possible] story here”

    Notice he used the word “story” in “poss story here”. Normal media parlance would be “piece.”

    Oh, the irony. Media accuracy ???

  • My FW was using both Tinder and WhatsApp to find “language exchange” partners, apparently. I made him delete tinder but I had no clue WhatsApp had a reputation as a sexting platform until recently. Totally bought his language exchange excuse there too. My clue he was full of shit should have been that he had nothing but women as “language exchange” partners, and that in 10 years he barely advanced his skills in any of the languages he was supposedly learning.

  • My FW never really bothered to conceal. When confronted, she would first seem really proud for a moment, then proceed to tell me why everything wrong was MY fault and accuse me of having affairs with coworkers.

    I’d already had two DDays. A year later FW actually came crying to me because her (previously-unknown-to-me) attempted 3rd affair- a toxic ex from 25 years ago- called her a fu**hole whore and blocked her when he found out she was married. It hurt her feelings and FW wanted me to console her. WTH.

  • There seems to be so much pain and embarassment here – we believed them, we trusted them and look what they did. There are still plenty of things I haven’t told my lawyer and probably never will because we are no-fault. Some, if not all, of his colleagues knew long before I did that he was cheating and I wonder what they were thinking when I met them. I have no doubt he told them we had an ‘understanding’.

    The thing is, even though I cringe when I look back and see all the red flags I missed, I keep telling myself I have nothing to be embarassed about. I know there are people who find it difficult to believe I didn’t suspect something but I can’t be bothered trying to keep a web of lies intact and I trust others to be truthful too. In this case it was a huge mistake but I’m hoping 2022 will be the year I’m finally free of the pathetic little man. He’s fighting me tooth and nail and would like to see me on the street without a penny to my name but it’s not going to happen. There are consequences and he’s going to face them.

    So bravo to everyone out there in Chump Nation and remember we will get through this, one day at a time.

  • Limp Dick suffered ED. I had an appointment with our Doctor, organizing shots for travelling. I asked if I could get a script for my then husband so he did not need to come in twice. I then asked the Doctor about ED and treatment. The lovely doctor had my husbands file open on the screen. Don’t worry he said, hubby is looking after you! He came in yesterday and got a script for Viagra! It was not for me!
    During the discard, he informed me that he was not intimate with me, because I was clearly not desirable. When he broke up with the OW (25 years younger); she complained to the district that he had difficulties getting it up! He was 60; she was 35. Apparently she had just done the maths and he was too old for her. #Bitslow #Mathemathicallyungifted #continuoushistorychangingdiapersbabiesandoldmen

  • SAHMM OW told anyone who would listen; that she had given my then husband a lifetime license on lovemaking. They lasted 3 months; guess it must have had been short dated; off the specials bin! He was a craptacular lover!

  • He almost never read a book; in the 40 years of our relationship. he gave SAHMM OW; the BEST BOOK HE HAD EVER READ!? ‘Sapiens – A Brief History of Humankind’ by Noah Yuval. She sent him pictures of her reading the book at night in her bed (before her hubby got into bed!). They both got off on the passages about polyamory as it was obviously the way our society should be. #not!
    I am now divorced, rocking my life and he has loads of free time, living on his own.
    #not the envy of his peers. #Best way to greet turning 66! #serialloser #givenuponviagra

  • Ashley Madison is a garbage can. I’d like to be far, far away from everyone who eats from it. That being said, I am grateful any time toxic scum self-segregates in an identifiable way.

    Cheaters use Yelp to make decisions and won’t patronize a business because of bad Yelp reviews, yet when it comes to sex or relationship partners….?


    Relationships are difficult enough without intentionally selecting the candidate who failed the job interview and proves their ineptitude with every action and utterance.

    If you’re going to bother with it, I highly recommend holding out for the cream of the crop, someone free and clear, who would never even have thought of fucking over their own family. Not the bottom of the class from Relationship School, let alone the flunkies.


  • Others can attest to the missing condom excuse. “I used them to masturbate”. Sure you did, you ‘spath. Only time I’ve ever ghosted a man. We were only dating, he was obviously having sex with other women (and not being honest about it). I contacted his second ex-wife after the ghosting. He never worked during his second marriage and “ruined her emotionally and financially.” His two adult children can deal with him. ????

    • 1) Condoms for masturbating in the office and car. Check.
      2) Receipt for a three hour lay-down at the hotel near office because he had a headache. Check.
      3) Full-size fitted bedsheet (unclean) that didn’t fit any bed in our house but did the bed of his poor mother who he had committed to a long-term rehab facility. Check.

  • Anybody watch “Worth” on Netflix? It’s about the 9/11 Victim’s Fund and how it was settled/distributed.

    Spoiler alert – a firefighter’s widow is told by her brother-in-law not to accept “blood money”. The firefighter had died in the towers and left her with three young children. A lawyer came forward representing the deceased’s other two children from a current, secret relationship.

    The brother-in-law knew all along. He was not ever going to tell her and she had to learn it from the lawyers. She had to put the pieces together in front of a stranger.

    • WOW. Was this documentary style with the real people or actors playing it out?

      Klootzak was in the Pentagon when it was attacked. He used it as an excuse for cheating. (“I learned that life is short so I should enjoy every minute I can.” I took it to mean be the best person you can so you are remembered well but it really was his validation for his narcissism.)

      Not every military person is a hero. Not every victim of a crime is an innocent wonderful person. Want to be remembered well? Do good things. Be an honest, good person.

  • Hickies? My ex was stupid enough to think I’d believe he “banged his neck on his desk” when trying to crawl underneath to plug in an extension cord. On his day off. When there was no such mark before I left for work. When the kids said “dad wasn’t home when we got home from school at 3.”

    But yeah. I was the one making up stories.

    He was one poor liar.

  • A condom in his messenger bag was open (without the condom in it) – as we rarely used them, I got very upset. Especially since I knew he was already unfaithful in the past.

    He said, “that’s weird, a pencil must have opened it.”

    I didn’t believe him and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just told me the truth. We were only dating for a few months, maybe a year, at that point and we’re still young.

  • That the woman I caught him trying to video chat (on our anniversary vacation) was “probably from church, he was checking to see.”

    • Sorry, but I am chuckling out loud. Not at your pain (because that sucks and I’ve felt the same pain), but at the stupidity. Sometimes I think the Jesus cheaters are the worst of them all.

  • Not on his body but crazy excuses I thought were weird but didn’t suspect cheating because I loved and trusted him. When doing a job 10 minutes from home and took over an hour to get home(we were going to go out for dinner) He said he had stopped for a milkshake!
    We were away on holiday and late at night he said he had to go out for an ice cream! (Later found out he was phoning AP. Weird dairy excuses are laughable now.

  • I got an excruciatingly painful vaginal infection, my first ever, and my ob/gyn was unavailable. Somehow FW got me a same-day appointment with another ob/gyn. She was younger than me and very cute. She took a quick look, prescribed an antibiotic, and asked me “Do you want to marry FW?” Nothing else. I was too inexperienced to recognize the huge red flag but I did wonder how she knew FW’s name and that we were not married.

    FW kept “trying” to mooch my antibiotic and when I said I thought he should get his own, considering, he just smirked.

  • The Abusive Law Student, who got through law school on my income while hiding the salary he was getting at his part-time job, told me that the law school had assigned him to a study group and that they were required (required!) to meet at least twice a week, and that another requirement was that whenever a member of your group called, you were to drop everything and go help them. (Yeah, I know it sounds totally implausible, but I knew nothing about how law schools operate and the Law Student was an accomplished liar.) All their meetings seemed to be at dinner time and he’d come home several hours later, disheveled and sans books. Turns out there was only one other person in the “study group” (apparently everyone else in the group had oh-so-coincidentally dropped out of law school at the same time and since everyone else was in their own group, he and this woman were left as a group of two).

    She gradually became bold enough to call the house, not even caring that I was there – I think the Law Student gave her some bogus reason why he was living with me, as well as giving me all the bogus reasons why he had to go over to her place so much. One day she called, I answered, and she proceeded to ask me to tell him not to pick up any wine on the way over because she’d already bought some. That’s when naive little me finally put two and two together. I gave her both barrels, slammed the phone down, and went over to a friend’s house to vent.

    It took me another 6 months or so to actually leave – the final straw was something relatively minor but it’s cumulative, as you all know. [I really should have noticed back when we started dating that the Law Student seemed to be excessively solicitous of an ex-girlfriend – constantly canceling our plans to go to her house and “help” her with stuff. But alas, I seem to be a slow learner. We were 7 years in when the above episode happened.]

    • My law school did not require but did heavily encourage small study groups to meet weekly to prepare for the bar exam. It really was a thing and I would not be surprised if some law schools mandated it. The group study method for the bar happens a lot. Sounds like he took a real idea and applied it to his fuckwittery.

  • Because I was such a naive chump, and because FW used withholding, neglect, projection and blame shifting to manipulate and control, I did not notice anything sketchy at the time. We were rarely intimate and I was, TBH, disinterested and even turned off (he was such an immature weirdo when it came to sex and intimacy – I surmise because of selfishness, cheating, FOO, porn and arrested development, but not my skein!). Besides, FW was a reckless, filthy “hobosexual” (thanks to the chump who recently used that term) and I wouldn’t have thought twice if I had noticed scratches, stains, bruises or odd odors. All par for the course.

    I suppose I would’ve noticed if there had been more intimacy and/or I’d been suspicious. The excuses when he was sneaking around, and the gifts, mementos and other signs (and I think, in my fuzzy memory, even snail mail) that I didn’t know about at the time keep resurfacing and registering, however. They manage to shake loose from my subconscious and hit me at the strangest times. Fortunately, the physical signs will not haunt me, though I don’t doubt they were there, for years, and the thought does nauseate me.

    • Oh, I have something that kind of counts! My ex lived with these massive cracked and calloused warts on his hands for years. They were disgusting to touch, and they became so painful that if I accidentally brushed one, he’d give me a sullen, angry glare and jerk away. FW refused to deal with it, however.

      When I went away for a two-month residency, he started a regimen of wart remover bandages. I only knew because he wrote me, in a bizarre mindfuck “love letter,” that I’d get a kick out of the fact that he’d finally followed through with the treatment, only to realized on the last bandage that he done it inside out. I asked what prompted him to actually take action, and he said he’d finally had enough. Of course he didn’t confess the real reason: the affair he’d rekindled with young shmoopie (that I was still unaware of). After dday1, a few months later, it was funnily enough one of the first red flags that clicked – and I mocked him. He always acted so aloof, like he didn’t five a shit about appearances or trying for anybody, so of course he claimed she had nothing to do with it. Bullshit. He was such a phony geek. Around that time, I also “innocently” made a comment about how warts on hands are known to spread HPV and genital warts. I made it up just to scare him. You should’ve seen his face!

  • anuthatch… my X got himself a bent carrot too. I had already moved out but was doing the pick me dance and we tried to fool around. Imagine my surprise when the thing was completely doubled over. He couldn’t explain it. Fast forward to last year when he had some stones and I drove him to the hospital. I asked if he spoke to the doc about it and it can’t be fixed. This time he told me he fell into the ladder and just didn’t do anything about it.
    Right… she can have that, too.

  • I read through 150+ posts while waiting at the DMV . . . made my wait there so much more fun! Here’s my contribution:

    My ex and I were (and I still am) critical care nurses, and we met at work, dated for five years and got married. He later transferred to critical care transport, and moved patients all over the hospital, transported them from the ICU to various tests, picked them up at other hospitals and brought them to us, and transported them from the hospital to long term care facilities. He even flew with patients who were returning to their home countries. Everyone knew him.

    He was caught in the back of an ambulance one spring afternoon, in close quarters with a naked female. His story, which reached me LONG before he did, was that he had just returned from a transport and it was his turn to check the supplies in the ambulance. He had the back open for ventilation when an SUV came tearing past and shoved this naked female out and then took off again. He picked her up, but as she was conscious he didn’t want to embarrass her by taking her “through the whole hospital” in her unclothed state. So he helped her into the back of the ambulance so he could find something for her to wear. He was just being *helpful.* Strangely, the young female (he was nearly 60 by this time) disappeared wearing my husband’s T-shirt and some paper scrub pants before she could be admitted to the ER and triaged.

    I actually believed this one for several years . . . we worked in a (famous) inner city hospital and it was not unheard of for someone to drive up to the ER entrance or even the front lobby and shove a shot, stabbed or overdosed passenger out of the vehicle. I’ve since heard, however, that the security tapes never matched his story, although his (female) boss backed him up.

    Did I mention that he and the boss spent a lot of time together in her office? And yes, I really believed they were “disciplinary meetings.”

  • I asked my ex where a gift card we got for christmas was and he said it was in a drawer at the office because he’d stopped at chikfila on the way to work to make sure it worked. Mind you we had plenty of money and the gift card was supposed to be reserved for something special. He treated himself sparkly special all right. Lift tickets for the OW since she couldn’t afford her ski trip, probably hotels when he realized she needn’t put them in her card anymore for him to pay her back. I called her out on the lift ticket and the tone she struck back was all wrong. They’re so gross. Oh yeah also the viagra that seemed under accounted for years before that, probs a serial cheater. The grooming came close to the end. FWs all of them.

  • He had a penile injury ( it was swollen and was bleeding a bit) He told me he had fallen down an embankment during a field trip.

  • My x husband left the house with underwear on snd returned with no underwear on. He burst into the front door frantically telling me that he went to Lowe’s and while there he shit his pants and had to go to the Lowe’s bathroom and he just took off his underwear and threw them away.

    I was mortified for him. But oddly enough, now that I think about it… he just sat out in the garage afterwards drinking as usual. Did not go take a shower and change clothes as someone who just shit their pants might do.

  • My FW is a con artist. I was the target of a long con, which as all good ones go, has a name. I was his starter wife.

    His only excuse was always that he was out drinking/eating, but mostly drinking with his friends. Which turned into “working late” when he finally got his dream job making and selling alcohol, and being his own boss doing so, thanks to my unfailing help and support over the years. And I trusted him because that’s what I thought people in a committed relationship did, and well, I’m a chump! So the excuses was baked in when he started traveling for work and staying out late more and more and if I dared complain FW was quick to tune to the anger/self pity channel of “I work so hard for our family, can’t you see?”. How many of those late work sessions involved swapping bodily fluids with interns, other sales ladies, clients, etc I’ll never know. In any case he was probably both an adulterer/womanizer and an alcoholic, so who cares which one it is. Thinking back I am just glad it didn’t end in a sexual harassment suit while we were still married. Because I’m a chump I still feel bad for providing him with the cover of a respectable family man all these years. Glad to be out and not unwittingly doing the cleaning up/spakling job after ex-FW anymore.

    Anyhow, his con worked. He got his career and two beautiful children. The next step was dumping first wife and moving on to a younger/dumber/richer target. Check, check and check.