Dear Chump Lady,
I’ve been divorced from my lying cheating ex since January 2016 after I found out he was cheating on me with his client. At the time we lived in a different state and shortly after our separation (June 2015), he moved in with his ladylovewhore and I moved back home to the great state of Texas.
I took our 10 year old daughter with me so now he lives 2,500 miles away and sees her once a month and every other holiday. He has made zero attempts to move back home to partake in the raising of his daughter, but has so much to say when it comes to my parenting.
I am not going to lie, I don’t sugarcoat this relationship to my daughter and my disgust with his behavior and his affair partner’s behavior. So, last weekend he brings our daughter back to me not having done a lick of homework, which didn’t sit well with me. Bright and early the next day, I get this email from the cheater ex:
I spoke to our daughter last night and in the future will go over any and all homework assignments needed to be completed when I have her for the weekend. This apparently upset you and you caused significant stress on our daughter’s last night, that wasn’t necessary. I would appreciate you addressing these items with me only and not in our daughters’s presence. I think you blew a small misunderstanding into something stressful for our daughter. I’ll try to set up the family wizard app this week and that should help improve our communication between us.
OW is part of my life and she’ll be part of our daughter’s life as well. OW will never be her mother, but rather a positive influence on her and someone she can trust. Despite your negative attitude and antics, we are building a life together and only want the best for our daughter. I would appreciate you respect my relationship with OW when it comes to your interactions with our daughter and try not to cause undo stress with her.”
I love that he mentions “trust.” I’m sorry but trust from a woman who fucked a married man is a little too late. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I can throw that snake and him. I blame him 90% because he is a cheater more than once during our marriage. Second time I just had the courage to step away. He is lonely living in another state with this whore and lashes out at me on a daily basis.
Just file this one under “The Unending Punishment of Breeding with a Fuckwit.” What’s with part-time, recreational parents and homework, anyway? Why can’t these people do the damn book reports?
Look, I know it’s a suggestion from the Fuckwit — but do take him up on that scheduling software. You need a paper trail about what is in the best interest of your child, and when he fails to do right by her — like not getting the homework done, DOCUMENT. By way of validation — yes, it is upsetting when your child doesn’t do their homework. It’s doubly upsetting when the parent in charge of Not Super Fun Parenting Things, like homework supervision, fails to do a simple job. Moreover, I get the unmitigated gall this guy has to fuck up his teeny, tiny responsibility, and then call YOU out for hurting your daughter.
Oh me? The person responsible for 99.99999 percent of all the parenting? The person who raises this kid? Schlepps child to school/sports/girl scouts/birthday parties/grandparents/emergency rooms? Me here with the minus zero sick leave for nursing the kid’s stomach flu? The parent who gets to be Mom AND Dad 24/7 except for the occasional weekend you deign to take her? Because you’re too busy CHEATING and taking up with some new fool immune to your lies? The parent here who has a PERFECT HOMEWORK RECORD and plays the heavy on the book reports, even thought I hate “Where the Red Fern Grows”? Me? I suck? YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO. ONE! I have 15,678,993 jobs. Simultaneously. Sick or healthy. Whether I feel like it or not. Every day. The score Sir is 15,678,993 to 0. Shut the fuck up.
See how easily I just wrote that speech? It’s not hard to tap the deep wells of resentment when parenting with a fuckwit. I get it. Here’s what I want you to do.
1.) Parent your way. You have your child the majority of the time. You WIN. Your ex is a fuckwit, but he’s a part-time fuckwit parent. Be the sane parent. Let go of what goes on at his house, because you don’t control it. Before your daughter leaves, remind her of her homework obligations. If you want to go the extra mile, get her a phone and text her these sorts of reminders. (Yes, I helicopter parent. And I have a nice son at college to prove it.) But remember, at the end of the day, the homework responsibilities are HERS. She will learn from natural consequences when she goes to class unprepared. Use the scheduling software and then LET GO. Document his fuck ups. If you have to go back to court, you need that documentation.
2.) Stop venting to your daughter about her dad. I don’t sugarcoat this relationship to my daughter and my disgust with his behavior and his affair partner’s behavior. You’re allowed to tell your kids why you’re divorced (Dad cheated on me with OW). But don’t editorialize. Don’t slop your emotional crap onto your kid or make her carry your pain. She has enough of her own. She knows he sucks. But he’s still her dad and she deserves to figure that relationship out for herself. Abide by the court order and let go of the rest. (Unless he is endangering her in some way. I hope this goes without saying.)
3.) Model resiliency. You know what says “I’m disgusted with your father?” best? Being a totally badass mother who knows her worth. Gaining a new, peaceful life. Getting the damn book reports done without his help. Show your daughter what an independent, take charge, don’t-have-time-for-fuckwits mom looks like.
Remember, every time you get “disgusted” and lose your shit with him, he LOVES it. It’s kibbles and centrality. Don’t feed fuckwits kibbles.
Now then, let’s put some of that crazy email through the Universal Bullshit Translator, shall we?
OW is part of my life and she’ll be part of our daughter’s life as well.
The price of admission for my daughter to see me is tolerating my fuckbuddies.
OW will never be her mother, but rather a positive influence on her and someone she can trust.
Because nothing is so wholesome as a Twinkie who sleeps with married men. Twinkie is to positive influences what lead is to the Flint water supply. #trustme
Despite your negative attitude and antics,
By “antics” I mean your attempts to get me to act like a responsible parent. You and your crazy shenanigans. #kibbles
we are building a life together and only want the best for our daughter.
Because abandoning our 10-year-old girl for my fuckbuddy is what’s best for our daughter.
I would appreciate you respect my relationship with OW when it comes to your interactions with our daughter and try not to cause undo stress with her.”
I would appreciate if you would respect the woman who fucked me behind your back. Bow down, pay homage, cast rose petals as she alights. Twinkie won the awesomeness of me! And now our daughter can play the pick me dance with Twinkie for my awesomeness!
Quit with your ugly talk. It’s causing me undue stress and distracting me from this beautiful power dynamic. #shutup #forthechildren
This one ran previously.