Several of you asked me to weigh in on the whole Camilla gets to be Queen Consort controversy. And, I’m sorry to disappoint you, I don’t care what she’s called.
Princess Tiddlywinks of Tweedshire. Lady Horseyface. Duchess of Tampon. It’s all the same to me.
I’m an American. I don’t go in for this aristocracy stuff. My people fled England in 1634 to be religious wackos in the New World. It makes you wonder how grim it was living with feudal overlords to chuck it all and cross an ocean to freeze in Massachusetts. Yet here it is, nearly 400 years later and the feudal overlords are still running the show.
What are you nattering on about Tracy?
The aristocracy! Did you know that the Duke of Westminster owns half of London! Someone explained this shit to me when I was a student there — you can only LEASE your property. The land on which it sits belongs to the Duke. After so many years, it reverts to him. So remodel your kitchen, sucker, it’s his.
Or did you know that 92 (!!!!) seats in the House of Parliament are still hereditary peers? 4 dukes, 1 marquess, 25 earls, 17 viscounts, 44 barons and 2 Lords. That’s down from HALF OF PARLIAMENT since 1999. They INHERIT their government seats.
Or that an estimated 48 percent of the land in the UK is still owned by the aristocracy? Unchanged for centuries? And that only eldest sons can inherit it, thanks to some bananas misogyny known as primogeniture.
But Camilla Tracy! The Queen is legitimizing a home wrecker!
If you got rid of all the fuckbuddies and bastard children in the Royal Family, there’d be no one left. History is rife with this King slept with that Lady in Waiting, and that one shagged his first cousin, and so on. So I hardly see what the point is in pearl clutching about Camilla. King Richard murdered his nephews to win the crown. There’s a high bar for treacherous ambition.
I actually feel sorry for the Queen. She’s tried her best. She does her duty. She had to sit all alone at her husband’s funeral. Her kids are train wrecks. One’s on trial for sex trafficking. And Charles, by comparison, is looking pretty good. She’s 95. The woman must be exhausted. So she throws him a bone. Okay, a new title for Horse Face. The Queen just made 70 years on the throne, she’s feeling generous.
It doesn’t change anything. Camilla doesn’t “win.” Her life was going to be privileged either way. Everyone knows what she did and snarks about her. It doesn’t bring Diana back.
Is she a loathsome person to cheat on her ex for Charles and drive Diana to despair? Yes. But I don’t see Elton John writing a song for Camilla.
It’s all a fucktangle lost in the larger fucktangle of why do Royal Families even exist? Okay Camilla, you get to be Queen Consort. Do a victory dance with a beagle or something. Wear a new hat to Ascot. Cut a ribbon.
Or maybe get a new haircut. That whole flip look is very 1983. Sell a peasant. I’m sure you can afford it.