Did You File First?

I’ve read a gazillion chumps stories, and one thing that never ceases to astound me is how cheaters don’t file for divorce. Oh sure, they love you but they’re not in love with you. They might threaten to end things. Heck, they may even live on an air mattress across town — but the actual work of divorce?  Why break up this beautiful cake thing we’ve got going. If you want it Chump-o, you’re going to have to do it yourself.

Having to clean up a relationship you didn’t destroy is insult to injury. But hey, Splendid People have better things to do and consequences are so ugly.

So today’s Friday Challenge poll is to tell CN if you had to file first. How did cake end?

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Distraught
Distraught
2 years ago

Yep! Filed first and sorted out all the separating of assets and finances on my own. After him having left twice due months on end in a twelve year period. They are spineless when it comes to doing anything in plain site.

Natalie Campbell
Natalie Campbell
2 years ago
Reply to  Distraught

DoneLikeDinner
Filed first after finding out the hubs of 23 years had been schmooping with men-on-the-side since 2005. Feel lucky to have my health, half the assets and soon-to-be divorce papers in my hand. He has since lost his family, his health and any self respect in the community. Not my monkey or my circus…

No more drama
No more drama
2 years ago
Reply to  Distraught

“They are spineless when it comes to doing anything in plain site.”

That is some TRUTH! I love that.

Divine Comedy
Divine Comedy
2 years ago
Reply to  No more drama

Yes I did! As soon as I discovered the affair, I was in a lawyers office the very next business day.

What baffled me was how long he drug out proceedings. The divorce took almost two years.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
2 years ago
Reply to  Divine Comedy

My ex is a lawyer. I had to file and do everything. At one point, he had to ask me if we were divorced yet. He never even bothered to read the separation agreement. I proposed the settlement and made it fair. He insisted I would have to pay all the kids’ costs in the first year after divorce so he could “get back on his feet.” I agreed, just to get him to sign. I had to pay for the lawyer that he said would review it for him. That went nowhere so I had to request the retainer of $1,600 back from that lawyer. After he finally signed the damn thing, he would come back and make demands and act all threatening and say he was going to “invoke the contract” if I didn’t do what he wanted. I had to tell him that the “contract” doesn’t say that. Every single damn time. I sometimes wish I had played harder ball and not offered an equitable agreement. But I only had to spend $2k in legal fees to get it done, so all-in-all, it was worth it to be free of that FW.

Buttercup
Buttercup
2 years ago
Reply to  Divine Comedy

Yep same here! Found out about the affair on the Sunday and submitted my application for divorce on the Monday!

Why fuck about when you know they’ve crossed the unrepairable line?!

I hear people all the time say “why should I look bad for filing… he’s the one that cheated!”

Who is actually going to give a shit who files in the long run? Friends? Family? Nah. It’s old news before the end of the week! Get filing!

FindingPeace
FindingPeace
2 years ago
Reply to  Buttercup

I found out on a Friday Night while he was out of town. Filed Monday Morning before he returned. It was my youngest child’s 5th birthday. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. It was the start to freedom, her 18th birthday will be full freedom.

Duped for years
Duped for years
2 years ago
Reply to  FindingPeace

I immediately kicked my ex out after the ILYBINILWY. He said there was no one else (ha). But after a week or so apart, he was outraged that I had secured a lawyer! He didn’t think we needed lawyers. Then he asked if I wanted to file or if I’d like him to file. I told him that I don’t want the divorce, he does. He can file to nullify our marriage. And, so he did.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

????

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago

You are mighty!
We should kick them out whenever we hear…
ILYBINILWY or” Im not happy”
Otherwise, just waste more years and more abuse.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago
Reply to  Divine Comedy

Wow! You’re MIGHTY!

Lucky
Lucky
2 years ago

We got out separation agreement together pretty quickly after 10 years of his lying, cheating and cake eating. However, he would not file for divorce.

I think it kept Miss Piggy on her toes and she couldn’t expect a ring with him not being divorced blah blah blah.

After a few years of me ignoring him, he called up one day out of the blue and said that we have to get divorced Right Now!!!

We turned the separation agreement into our divorce. Easy Peasy.

He’s now married to her and they seem happy enough. But he’s never stayed in one place for so long, so I expect some fireworks one of these days.

RaffNoMore
RaffNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Mine asked for the divorce and his abuse (not physical just everything else) escalated. I filed and he fought it. Took almost 2 years to get to trial. He lost big time. Got physical and legal custody of kids. Then he defused to sign over the house that neither of us lived in. Had to get a judge to assign a trustee to sign the deed over (still tried to fight it). Refused to sign divorce documents for 3 months. Judge took care of that. Then the mother f er appealed our divorce! Like what the F! That took two years. He lost, obviously.
Tried to deny that he asked for divorce and that he was shocked that I filed. Then I show the document he signed with his first lawyer that was for divorce and custody in court. Signed weeks before I filed and one day after he announced our divorce to me. On his 9th lawyer across 3 states and 9+ years later still in court because he cannot handle the fact that I win. Every. Single. Time!

DodgedA Bullet
DodgedA Bullet
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

YEEEEES! I love it!

In case it helps. One of my relatives + 5 others sued a person who kept suing them. Apparently harassing people with the legal system is a big no-no!!

It took a few years but they each got a settlement of well over a million dollars and he is blocked from ever suing her again. May be something worth researching- or at least hopefully get him to have to cover all of your legal fees every time he brings up something new.

You are MIGHTY!

Cam
Cam
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

9 years later?? Good Lord. What’s he taking you to court over now?

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Good grief. What an absolute self-centered moronic idiot.

But ha ha. You win every time, and he never learns.

kellyp
kellyp
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

I hope you’re asking for fees every time. I think I would petition to have him declared a legal pest.

Hcard
Hcard
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Love it, you rocked that one and his world!

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

RafdNoMore, I salute you. You are now claimed as my Chump Spirit Animal. I’m four months past divorce and going back in front of the Judge to force him to comply with the Court Order. I will channel you and fight that fuckface. I’ll also keep in mind that every time I get in front of the Judge, I walk away with more! I don’t mind the Court Date at the end of the month. I enjoy watching the Judge eviscerate him. I’ve won every single time, why would this be any different.

I’m so glad to read your Chump Story! Good for you!!!!

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago

We hear your roar, 33years! CN is behind you.

chumpnomore
chumpnomore
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

I have similar story. I found the secret emails, naked pictures text messages to another woman.. I told him I wanted divorce then he kept bugging me when I was going to do it and if I had gotten a lawyer. Once I finally did all hell broke loose and he started to get physical. went to court 7 times because EVERY DAMN thing that needed to be done by him had to be force. I even had to have the judge EVICT from our own house we owned!
Oh I filed for divorce on Valentines Day! 😉 It was my best one in all the years married to him!
As an update we have court coming up … yay for me .. ugh

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

Congrats, CNM! It is so crazy that these FW’s see themselves as “honest” victims. They won’t move out, they won’t file, they fight it… they are willing to lie in court – to further attack their families. I doubt any member of CN, no matter how jaded and hardened, can fathom behaving this way. Even if I was presented with some magical opportunity to lie about my FW that would ultimately bring about a more “fair” conclusion to all of this, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know how FWs live with themselves.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

I honestly don’t see how fw’s do it either.

When I found out the decade of a con job my ex pulled on me and others, I still shake my head.

almostdone
almostdone
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

Same. Mine had already moved out when I discovered the OW and I filed the next day.

I’m on my 2nd attorney, I’ve had 10 court dates and am about to have an 11th because he refuses to do anything unless he’s forced to. I have been actively trying to get divorced since Nov 2019.

NotAnyMore
NotAnyMore
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

Mine delayed getting necessary documents to court so many times, and with such transparent excuses, that my lawyer wanted him charged with contempt.. at my expense, of course. I finally wrote out a final agreement that was a clean and total walkway and gave it to my lawyer and said make it happen. The lawyer was very unhappy because he was sure I was entitled to a good bit of the assets we knew Cheaterpants was concealing, but I was exhausted and my legal bills were piling up, so I insisted, and that was how I ended his otherwise endless delay tactics. I lost a lot of money. It was totally worth it.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

ChumpNoMore, that is how you celebrate Valentines Day when you are married to a
Cheater! Bam, better than chocolate!!!! Here are your papers you cheating whore!!!! I hope you enjoyed that bit of deliciousness.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

????????????????

Fantastic! You *rock*! ????Xx

BattleDancingUnicorn
BattleDancingUnicorn
2 years ago

Filing for divorce set off an interesting chain of events that included his flying monkeys trying to convince me to stop the proceedings and reconcile (again). Even one of the OWs got involved, mocking me for divorcing him, even after she mocked me for reconciling earlier. It was awful, but it made it really really easy to “trust that they suck” because while all this was happening, FW did precisely nothing. He just said some charming words that convinced people he was sorry, and they flew off to do his bidding.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago

Men with harems are the worst.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Never let a confused man waste your time
❤️

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Ha! Speaking of ridiculous things we shouldn’t have to say 🙂

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago

“Even one of the OWs got involved, mocking me for divorcing him, even after she mocked me for reconciling earlier.”

Holy shit! WTF??????

That sounds *fascinating*. I’d love to hear the story, if you feel like telling it, BDU!

BattleDancingUnicorn
BattleDancingUnicorn
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

TBH, I have CPTSD from the whole experience and I’m still struggling to put some of the smaller pieces in place, but the big pieces go like this:

FW was a candidate for ordination, so my divorcing him really stuck a stick in the spokes of that particular wheel. Nevermind that he made choices…. But I digress.

So the church began their process of discipline, which involved FW going up in front of the congregation and confessing so they could keep him accountable and “surround me with love and support.” So he looks repentant and willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, though in private, he did nothing at all. I never even received a confession or an apology, lol.

His public display made me look like the jerk for divorcing him, so the “love and support” became people convincing me to give him another chance at reconciliation because he’s so willing to be repentant.

All this to get to OW. So there were many women he was with over the course of our marriage, but this one was the only one that was there consistently the whole time. I’m weirdly a tiny bit grateful to her, because she shared screenshots of conversations that really empowered me to finally say “enough.” She didn’t share them directly with me, though, she posted them publicly. Mutuals informed me what was up. I took screenshots and filed. She wrote me several manifestos about how “done” she was, and they’re kind of hilarious now (I sent one to CL awhile back, it was therapeutic) because she both plays the victim and power trips, usually in the same paragraphs. She wasn’t aware, of course, that there were so many other women, and because she was “done” with him, I didn’t have to worry anymore and I shouldn’t run his life and career by divorcing him.

It’s been almost a year now since things were final and I got a new message just last week…

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Yeah that sounds like some sick shit! The OW getting involved? How weird

oldcrone
oldcrone
2 years ago

I don’t think that’s as rare as you think.
I got calls, emails and texts from two of cheater’s girlfriends after he broke up with them. Very spiteful and hate-filled communications. They were relentless. Police involved both times before they stopped.
Cheater got love notes.
Frankly, they are welcome to him. But he’s moved on. He’s “fickle”.
I would love to see this topic covered: did the AP reach out to you after DDay?

AD
AD
2 years ago

Not only did I have to file first but he refused to sign unless I dealt with him directly. He went so far to lie to the process servers face regarding his identity. I accessed a current photo of him on linked-in and voila, papers were served.

oldcrone
oldcrone
2 years ago
Reply to  AD

Hah! Cheater ex tried to hide from the process server.
I was wracking my brain trying to figure out where he was.
Through a strange set of circumstances, I happened to see one of his fuckwit “sex addict” buddies in my therapist’s office. He was the appointment before me. I knew his first name, but not his last.
When I walked into the office, I saw his check that he used to pay for the office visit on the desk. I saw his full name and from that I got his address. I drove by his house and BINGO! Cheater’s car was in the driveway.
Cheater was served the next day.
Sadly, this was the best thing I got out of therapy.

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

oldcrone, that’s cool AF, like some detective show. I’d hire you as a PI ????

Good luck if you’re still trying therapy. I’ve had one life-changing therapist, one very good one, and three worthless ones. So if you think therapy would help you, don’t give up. You just need to have a “next!” mentality. Kind of like online dating ????

Kelly
Kelly
2 years ago

Found out ex was cheating in decades-long affairs and group sex with same two women (that’s only what I found out, I’m sure there’s more). I immediately filed to end our 25-year marriage myself of course. Yet I remember a bizarre conversation with him where he kept claiming it was he who decided that he “chose them” and not me. We will never truly understand the pathology.

Macdaddy
Macdaddy
2 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

My now ex did the same thing. I guess she decided the marriage was over but forgot to tell me! I guess all the stuff we did in the bedroom while our marriage was over (and I didn’t know it) was her way of saying goodbye?

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago
Reply to  Macdaddy

Macdaddy, ???? I hear you. I got “well I thought you were going to divorce me anyways (because of one sentence I’d said two years earlier when he tried to move to Poland by himself), so I didn’t think you’d care.” Which is why he kept cheating secret for a year and lied to my crying face for two full months after I started to put two and two together.

They make no sense. The only answer that makes sense is “cake.”

TuesdaysR4Healing
TuesdaysR4Healing
2 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

This: we will never understand their pathology. I think this is part of my meh – giving up trying to understand and make sense of it.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago

Yep. We can understand that their pathology was real and that it fucked with us, we can forgive ourselves, and we can learn to identify red flags and maintain boundaries – but I don’t think we can fully unravel the skein. Thank god! As my sanctimonious FW ex used to say about “bad” people who “wronged” him: “The sickness is on them.”

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago

This is why we don’t “untangle the skein of their fuckedupedness.” It’s a waste of time, and it does us psychological and emotional damage.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

Agreed. There are things I will never know, but I decided I didn’t even want to wonder about them, much less know. I know enough to know he’s disordered and I needed to get away from it.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Same. Untangling kept FW central and kept me trapped.

NoMoreMisterNiceGuy
NoMoreMisterNiceGuy
2 years ago

Yes, I filed. I even volunteered to get him a counselor and drove him to his first appointment like an idiot. But as for divorce, I lined it all up and executed everything but his signature to get it done.

DancinginFreedom2020
DancinginFreedom2020
2 years ago

I filed first. However, I did discover previous emails the night of D-Day that he was communicating with a solicitor with statements of “My wife and I have agreed to divorce and split assets equally. How fast can this process occur?” Of course I never even knew he was unhappy and considering divorce. When I questioned him about this, he just said he was gathering information. Within 3 weeks, I did my own research and actually ACTED ON IT. I served him with divorce papers on the grounds of adultery. He with his arrogant self still went back to the original solicitors to represent him during the divorce — even after he had set them up with lies.

It was 3 months into the divorce process that I discovered how deep the betrayal went, and I began to wonder if he even knew what was true and what was a lie anymore. If you have not filed, do it now. It is always worse than what they confess to. Get out now to save you further trauma.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago

“It is always worse than what they confess to”.

This is so true. In fact, I think it is always worse than what you ever get to discover. There’s no way, they get the upper hand from the get-go, you only get physical evidence once they become sloppy and it takes time. Time erases their footprints.

This realization sends shivers down my spine, because what I already know and have hard evidence of is so horrible to look at and impossible to fathom.

I reached a point where I really don’t want to know anything else anymore, it would only further complicate the life I am trying to have.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

“I reached a point where I really don’t want to know anything else anymore, it would only further complicate the life I am trying to have.”

*Exactly*. Once you’ve seen what they are, what would be the fucking point? I’m certain fucktard’s betrayal wasn’t his first rodeo. So it’s not going to benefit me to know any more of his shit bag behaviour.

Any further knowledge of, the gory details of, their shitessence, is a waste of time and energy. They cheated, they lied. To our faces. Fuck’em.

And may they and their whores rit in hell. ????????????????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

“And may they and their whores rit in hell.”

Yep, I know he spent thousands on whore(s), and for the last at least three years he lied to everyone, conned so many folks. Yes he paid a huge price, no not losing me, losing his position in life. But it wasn’t punishment enough, so why worry.

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

My therapist stated, “You have all the evidence you need.” And once we have it we’ve answered the question, “Is this acceptable to you?”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

BrazilianChump

Don’t ever regret saying anything to me. I am not quick to get offended, and honestly I have never gotten too wrapped up in the weeds of religion, so much of the dogma is opinion. To me there is basic truth, which is easily understood. The rest of it I am not going to spend a lot of time worrying about things I have no control over. I can read the bible and enjoy it and learn from it; but won’t get wrapped around an axle over it.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

“may they and their whores rit in hell”.

They already are. It’s what Tracy: their punishment is being themselves.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

“They already are. It’s what Tracy: their punishment is being themselves.”

I agree. I got to know about some of it, but I feel certain that for most folks that treat others like that, they get to experience themselves at some point. Regardless of the story they create for public consumption.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Hi, Susie! Hope you’re doing well.

I believe you are a protestant christian.

Let me tell you what some modern roman catholics believe hell to be like (my FW XW pays lip service to this view). It goes roughly as follows.

God’s forgiveness through the sacrament of penance not only absolves the sinner but erases the sin (though not it’s temporal consequences, that will have to be accounted for doing time in purgatory, failing an indulgence).

If one dies in a state of grace she/he has got his ticket to heaven, with an eventual stopover at purgatory – only saints get nonstop flights. Heaven is the perfect alignment between the soul’s will and god’s will, a state of eternal contemplation of and participation in God’s glory. One has no recollection of her/his earthly screw-ups, one is mesmerized by God’s presence.

But… if one dies with unforgiven mortal sins staining one’s soul (divine mercy could change this at the very last moment, but it is not to be taken for granted), then it’s a one way flight for hell.

Hell is being alone with your sins and the regret thereof for have trading eternal bliss for some sidefucks. One is left to contemplate her/his own earthly screw-ups forever and ever with no hope for redemption (“abandon all hope, you who enter here”). Hell is not other people as some fancy cheater once said; hell is oneself if you’re a fuckwit.

I don’t personally believe any of these things, but I think they have a beautiful, powerful metaphor built in.

Many of our fuckwits are already experiencing hell as they have to face their insane choices, the destruction they caused, and, frankly, the shitty human beings they are. It takes tons of impression management to try and go on with their daily lifes and I bet this is also exhausting as hell.

A christian person may take heart in the fact that they still have time to repent and change their ways. But do they ever?

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

Dear Susie Lee,

my guess was sort of wrong then ????.

I only made the distinction because some reformed christians here in Brazil are not comfortable to be put in the same shelf as catholics. Also, there are some slight differences in their views about afterlife, that nonetheless pisses people off big time ????‍♂️

Whatever, I now realize I’ve made a fool of myself preaching to the choir ????

We brazilians have an even more fit saying for what I was just doing: “trying to teach the priest to say the Mass”.

Anyway, it was just a pretext to say hello to you. Hello! Cheers!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

I am a Christian, raised Baptist, now Catholic, but my faith has not changed. Christian is Christian.

But, I don’t think them having to live themselves and suffer the consequences of bad character and bad decisions is restricted to religion. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

Yes some will have so little conscience and be lucky enough to get through life seemingly scot free, but not many. (if any).

SchmoopiesOnTheirOwn
SchmoopiesOnTheirOwn
2 years ago

I had to file because he wouldn’t. He wasn’t enjoying love/sex cake but was enjoying money cake while living in an apartment he’d set up for Schmoopie on my dime. The only way to save myself from a lifetime of debt (he’d already run through all savings, college and retirement funds and racked up $400,000 in hidden debt on Schmoopies) was to file. Best move ever.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Hopefully you didn’t have to pay that schmoopie debt.

Angie
Angie
2 years ago

Oh yes….I had to file AND pay for the whole thing. Meanwhile, he was off living with the smoochiepie immediately after DDay and spending every penny in our joint account on romantic weekends and family vacations while I was barely able to survive on a part time job. I honestly filed to protect myself financially. I believe if I hadn’t filed, we would still be married but living separately to this day. He certainly wasn’t going to clean up his mess himself. Thankfully, I had a badass lawyer so he pretty much gave me everything I asked for. All he got were his clothes and a few power tools…and smoochiepie had to get a better job to help him pay my mortgage and spousal support.

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
2 years ago
Reply to  Angie

He got power tools but you got the power move! BEAUTIFUL!! Absolutely made my day

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Angie

“and smoochiepie had to get a better job to help him pay my mortgage and spousal support.”

????

In my case whore quit working right after they married, (at age 37ish) and never worked again. I bet she was surprised when those gifts and dinners stopped. Susie was no longer helping pay for their romance.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Angie

Oh, that is *karma*! Evil chuckles here too. ????????????

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago
Reply to  Angie

Angie, hahahahaha. I wish you could have heard my evil chuckles when I read the last line of your post. There is some comeuppance.. I like it when a homewrecking whore has to pay you!!!!! You rock!

ExcitedToBeFree
ExcitedToBeFree
2 years ago

Yep, I had to file. He dragged his feet doing his part because his dad was dying so I didn’t push it. Then his dad died and he still didn’t do anything. When I asked him why he was delaying the inevitable he said “we’ll be divorced when I say we will.” Weird thing is his married whore filed a month after I found out about them and left him. So in her situation, the cheater actually filed.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago

I sure did and got it done in record time. From dday to the day the divorce was finalized was only 40 days, and 34 days from filing. I should mention, this is in a at-fault state.
Like most of my marriage, I did all the work, but this time it paid off. Zero regrets.

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
2 years ago

That’s quick! Mine was 45 days from asking him to move out to signature on separation agreement (the financials and sole custody of kids to me). I had to find him a lawyer (seriously?????‍♀️). My attorney said I had six weeks before the guilt wore off. He was desperate to head to the States to meet his AP/sexting partner he met on FarmVille.

Legal divorce took two years as it didn’t matter to me and I could stay on his health insurance until legally divorced. Only then did he walk over to my lawyers office to sign the papers.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  PhysicsGal

They met on FARMVILLE? smh

freenc
freenc
2 years ago

My FW filed before I knew about the OW(s), and then seemed surprised and bewildered that things had to be done beyond that- an agreement drawn up, assets divided, property exchanged, etc. He expected us to work out some agreement magically without effort on his part and that it would happen as fast as possible. He was further dismayed (at my “bitterness”) when I got a lawyer, went NC, and set terms that were favorable to me.

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  freenc

OMG, what an idiot. My ex is like this too. He’s surprised that things take work, and don’t magically just happen because that’s what you want.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago

Yup, that’s how it played out. He packed his bags and moved out, told me that he never loved me and he truly loved his AP(s) instead, moved in with the APs, and began living “the life he always wanted to live.”

But he never lifted a finger on paperwork.

At the time I was a member of another “so your partner turned into a stranger and left you?” help groups. They encouraged me to start the paperwork myself because he was acting like a cruel lunatic and I needed to protect myself and my children. It was my biggest nightmare that he’d somehow get full custody because he was now in a two parent, two income household situation and I was… just a stay at home mom (at the time he left).

So, while spending my evenings in a puddle on the floor and while still in love with that jerk, I created my own separation agreement based on legal examples I found online and had him sign it in front of a witness. It gave me full custody and he didn’t care; he happily signed. Then, using money my mother lent me, I took that first step, crappy homemade separation agreement to a lawyer and she used it to flesh out a proper divorce agreement.

I encouraged FW to get his own lawyer. He never did. He said “No need, you’re already on top of that.” He was deeply, deeply in his honeymoon period with GF#3 and didn’t want to spend money he didn’t have on a lawyer. He was thrilled that I was doing the work though and he felt like I approved of our divorcing.

I didn’t approve of any of it though. All throughout the divorce process, I didn’t want my marriage to end and I didn’t to be doing this! It was heartbreaking. I did it anyway because I knew that my marriage *was* over (no matter what those Facebook memes want to tell you, it only takes one person to end a marriage) and I was terrified that if the “cruel stranger who had replaced my husband” decided to take matters into his own hands that he’d take the kids away from me. THAT fear was my motivation to push forward on a divorce I never wanted.

So, while a mess on antidepressants, for the first time in our whole relationship… I was in power. He was in such a state of lovey dovey bliss with his new mistress that he didn’t care too much about the divorce paperwork. In our last in-person meeting (in a food court/I knew better than to ever be in an unsafe, private space again with him), I walked him, page by page, through the divorce agreement. I needed to see that he *understood* what he was about to sign. He could see that I would be the full custodial parent but would never deny him fair access to the kids (and I never have/he usually sees them each weekends), and that important parenting decisions (like healthcare issues or what church I decide to take them to) are mine. I threw him a huge bone of taking on our shared credit card debt all on my own (because he never used to have his own card and “our” credit card was in my name only, as was our car loan *sigh*) but he was to keep me as the beneficiary on his life insurance policy until the last child was of a legal, self-sustaining age and then, if he wanted, he could change it.

He was thrilled. I was sobbing. People in the food court kept looking over at us and then awkwardly looking away again. He took his copies and drove over to my lawyer’s office and signed everything in front of whomever he was supposed to sign it in front of (the most work he ever did to facilitate the divorce). Then he proposed to GF#3/Wifetress shortly thereafter in some sort of big, publicized spectacle that thankfully I avoided seeing online. (She said yes. The crowd cheered.) The ink wasn’t even dry on the papers and would take another few weeks (months?) until the found their way to a judge who would approve them and finalize the divorce. Technically, he was still married. (But a little snag like being married never stopped him from pursuing other women before.)

It was hell. Absolute hell. My lawyer brought out the tissue box everytime I came in because I literally sobbed my way through each of our meetings. But I’m so glad I pushed through and did it. I’m so glad his lazy “I’m distancing myself from my marriage and that includes the divorce part too” butt decided not to involve himself meaningfully in any way in the legal process (even though it would have been in his best, legal interests!). I was able to take control over a horrible situation, ask for what I wanted, and get it. He was deep in his honeymoon period with his AP; little cartoon hearts followed him around wherever he walked. He was thrilled that I was “finally getting with the program” (I… wasn’t.. I just didn’t want him skipping into the sunset with my heart *and* my children) and doing the legal legwork that he couldn’t be bothered with because he was too busy feathering a perfect love nest.

I was so *lucky* that I pushed through and took control of a divorce I never wanted while he was made out of stars and throbbing cartoon hearts. That, chumps, is the best time to divorce a FW: when they view you as a pitiable obstacle to their happiness. File while you’re still an obstacle because once those cartoon hearts fade, the FW grows colder, less generous, and far more likely to view you as an active enemy to their happiness instead of just a passive obstacle. Judging on how he behaved in the months and years after (oh boy, did he ever start to get meaner), I never would have gotten the divorce deal from him.

Freedompending
Freedompending
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I would love that he still saw me as vulnerable but he totally sees me as the enemy. As if I am the one who caused him to cheat. If he had his way I would be dead. His seperation agreement offer was a total joke for 32 yrs of marriage. His lawyer will receive our counter this week. I expect there will be smoke in the neighboring county when his head explodes. We are not even scheduled for mediation until June. I filed last June. He’s with his possible wife #3 on weekends because she is out of state. She thinks all he needs is her love. She can deal with him, eventually the mask will slip and it won’t be my monster to deal with anymore. Thank God my children are adults but it hasn’t slowed down his harassment of one of them. Just want him to go away.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

????????????

Fourleaf, you kicked ass from the depths of your despair. I can only wonder what mightiness you’re capable of in your best days. Doing what is right when you don’t want (never wanted) to and would have lots of legit excuses to stay low says a lot about your integrity, character and strength. Standing ovation for you, Mama bear! Your kids are better off now that you managed to deflect any input from their fuckwit father away from their big life decisions and maintenance. You is what is best for them, you realized it clearly even in a moment of confusion, and acted upon this realization. Wow!

My motivations for filing and my worst fears of what could happen if I didn’t (or if I gave FW a headstart) were pretty much the same as yours, so your words resonate very deeply with me.

P.S.: I too have wondered if in a custody dispute the judge would favour FW for being in another relationship and therefore living in a house with two incomes and “two parents” (ugh!). This seems outrageously unfair to the parent who chose to stay single and devout her/his time, energy and money to raise the kids instead of be chasing tail. Is it really a thing?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

There was a really good movie about that many years ago, about a nurse single mom who had her daughter taken from her by her ex who had married, and wife was stay at home mom. Made me cry.

Wish I could remember the name of the movie, or the woman who played the nurse.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

I’m not sure if it’s an actual, legal “thing.” (Maybe in some areas?) The idea was just a personal nightmare in my own head that spurred me to motion.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I totally get it.

I had (and have) some ghosts of my own making haunting my head too. Funny that’s exactly what FW called some preoccupations of mine: my ghosts (little did she know I had hard physical evidence fuelling some of them; I think ghosts are real sometimes).

Maybe we just get used to anticipate chaos and suffering after living under a FW’s whip for a while, and can’t help but worry about possibilities, no matter how far-fetched they seem. Afterall, don’t many of our betrayal stories sound too far-fetched to uninitiated ears?

Also, FWs sometimes make us believe they are all powerful and can make happen just whatever they want. It has taken me lots of therapy to get rid of the almighty devil image I projected unto my FW XW after DDays. Still struggle a little with that and the anxiety thereof.

Not a Grown Man's Mommy
Not a Grown Man's Mommy
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Fourleaf, my story echoes yours in so many ways. And like you, I was extremely fortunate that he was so wrapped up in finally getting to live the life he “always wanted with the perfect person for him” that he was willing to agree to almost literally anything. I’m forever grateful to (1) my sister for recognizing that and encouraging me to strike while the iron was hot (since I was a puddle of goo on the floor and could hardly string words together to make a coherent sentence in the days and weeks that followed “ILYBINILWY, we’re getting a divorce”), and (2) my badass counselor (found through my Employee Assistance Program) who listened to my story through my seemingly unending tears and told me that this was my golden opportunity to take my power back after 15 years of emotional abuse.
I borrowed the money from my sister, got myself a lawyer, cried in her office on every visit but got the separation agreement drawn up giving me custody of our 12 year old son, our home, and my car. I wanted to keep my retirement which was worth a whole lot more than his, so I put that in there too. I let him have the things I knew were important to him (his trucks, boat, and camper) and I took the credit card debt too. I knew he’d agree to this because he just wanted to start his life over fresh with this woman was so in love with, after all he’d already run off to Ohio to be with her. He didn’t care about anything except his happiness, didn’t think about future repercussions of anything in that separation agreement. I also made twice his salary but I don’t have to pay him alimony either. He just wanted out, so I gave that to him as quickly as possible. He never lifted a finger in any of the divorce proceedings, never even bothered to get a lawyer. As with everything in our 15 year marriage, he let me do all the heavy lifting on this too even though he was the one demanding it. All he had to do was go to my lawyers office to sign his name in front of the notary. Then we had to wait 90 days before it would go to the judge per the law in our state and 3 months and 5 days later, we were divorced.
What happened to him and schmoopie you may ask? Well, about a month after he signed the papers, things really went south. Turns out, she didn’t have a job, a car, or any money and he had quit his job here to move 10 hours away to live with her. So he also had no job or money. He ended up moving her down here and living in his camper with her in his parents back yard!! In the middle of winter! Then about a month later, he kicked her out of the camper because “she was crazy” and hard core started harassing me to take him back (complete with suicide threats). But what about the girl?! Don’t worry about her, his parents moved her in to their house. That’s right, this rando he met online from another state. They moved her into their house because they knew he loved her and they would work it out. Did they bother to even pick up the phone to check on me or their grandson after D-day? Nope. Guess being their daughter-in-law for 15 years means less to them than the internet rando, but i digress. Crazy bunch, the whole lot of them!
I didn’t take him back. By the time that nonsense started, I had been free of his mind-fuck for a few months and it didn’t take me long at all to see how much easier my life had gotten without him in it. I distinctly remember laying in bed, sobbing, saying to myself “how am I going to be a single parent? I didn’t sign up for this, we were supposed to do this together.” But it didn’t take me long to realize I had been doing everything myself our entire marriage. I was already doing all the childcare, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, volunteering, helping with homework, scheduling, and working a demanding 40+ hour a week job. Along with taking care of a grown ass man-child. Take that man-child out of the equation and things got so much easier. My life has only improved without him in it. The peace and stability (emotional and financial) are priceless. It was a horrible experience to live through, but as my counselor said “it doesn’t feel like it now, but I promise you, one day you’ll look back on this and you’ll thank him for doing you a huge favor”. I thank my lucky stars every day that I was able to move quickly and stick to my guns even when he turned the manipulation up to 100. My life is infinitely better for it.
Fourleaf is right, when they’re in the honeymoon phase of luv and just see you as an obstacle to their happiness, that’s the best time to divorce. Fuck all that advice that says ‘don’t make any decisions in the first year’ or ‘just wait and see what happens’. Nope. My advice is to get a lawyer and file. When I was questioning whether or not I should continue with the divorce proceedings during the ‘trying to win me back’ phase, my counselor told me to power through. She said, “there’s nothing that says you can’t watch his actions and see what he does while continuing the divorce proceedings. See if he follows through with any of the things he’s saying. You can get divorced and eventually decide to date him again if he shows that he’s made real changes”. She knew what she was talking about. Did he make any actual changes? Nope. He’s currently living with another girlfriend, probably making her life as miserable as he made mine. She thinks I hate her because that’s what he tells her. I don’t. The only thing I feel for her is pity because I know her life. In fact, I’m sure she’s a very nice person, those are the people he preys on and takes advantage of. I realize how fortunate I am in that it worked out this way for me and I know not everyone is this lucky. I’m rooting for all of you chumps currently in the thick of it. Just know it gets better. You’ve got to wade through a river of shit to get there, but it does get better.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago

“I didn’t take him back. By the time that nonsense started, I had been free of his mind-fuck for a few months and it didn’t take me long at all to see how much easier my life had gotten without him in it. I distinctly remember laying in bed, sobbing, saying to myself “how am I going to be a single parent? I didn’t sign up for this, we were supposed to do this together.” But it didn’t take me long to realize I had been doing everything myself our entire marriage. I was already doing all the childcare, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, volunteering, helping with homework, scheduling, and working a demanding 40+ hour a week job. Along with taking care of a grown ass man-child. Take that man-child out of the equation and things got so much easier. My life has only improved without him in it. The peace and stability (emotional and financial) are priceless. It was a horrible experience to live through, but as my counselor said “it doesn’t feel like it now, but I promise you, one day you’ll look back on this and you’ll thank him for doing you a huge favor”. I thank my lucky stars every day that I was able to move quickly and stick to my guns even when he turned the manipulation up to 100. My life is infinitely better for it”.

That’s it. Very similar story here.

Beginning to have a life of my own and loving it. Yes, peace and financial and emotional stability are priceless.

We don’t need them, never needed; they are the ones who feasted from our blood sweat and tears, but it’s over now. Go find new blood, vampires!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

“Fuck all that advice that says ‘don’t make any decisions in the first year’ or ‘just wait and see what happens’. ”

Absolutely. They can wipe you out in a few months or less. I wanted mine to file, but had he drug his feet, I would have had to. Also if I had to file, I would have used his fear of publicity against him.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I hope CL’s sage counter advice to the prevailing narrative/“conventional wisdom” makes its way into wider circulation: Why it’s essential NOT to wait to make decisions.

Shocked and destabilized chumps, navigating uncharted territories while being gaslighted and while high on hopium, are incredibly vulnerable to this kind of BS, especially when it’s widely accepted as truth. After dday 1, I was one who kept what was going on a secret and withdrew in shame and sadness to “protect” myself, my relationship and my ex. I truly did not know what to do, but I felt as if my life depended on my next steps – which on many levels, it did. So… I privately turned to the internet, where I found all kinds of reassurance, stories and advice that encouraged me to stay and essentially sacrifice myself. Turning to the RIC for support is like turning to a community of people with eating disorders who are encouraging each other to starve, validating a dangerous mindset that emphasizes superficial and imposed values; whereas turning to CL/CN is like turning to people struggling with eating disorders who are encouraging each other to make nutritious choices and tap into their inner strength and worth.

‘Freeze’ (spackling and being ‘positive,’ ‘mindful’ – and numb) and ‘friend’ (dancing the pick-me dance and practicing forgiveness) were maladaptive survival mechanisms that kept me stuck in an abusive relationship that had been hurting me for a long time but that escalated dramatically after dday (when things went from bad and confusing, but mostly manageable, to fucking insane). My first instinct was to leave, however, and that never went away – creating significant internal dissonance at even the safest, most hopeful reconciliation moments with my FW ex. I try not to feel regret, because what’s the point, but I do *wonder* what might have been if there was more chump-centric info and support out there.

CL does it best and did it first, but she can’t do it alone. What if we *all* started blogs and social media campaigns (hypocritical hypothetical from a super busy chump – who nonetheless gets sucked into CL daily – without social media, who does nothing to contribute to the cause)? Would the Google searches turn up different results? Infidelity is so common, yet chumps are marginalized, minimized and mocked. I feel both naive and idealistic *and* like my flailing CL character when I write this: I wish I could DO something. It’s too late to correct my own mistakes, but not too late to change the context in which infidelity/abuse are viewed, nor to help others see the light sooner so they can get out or, best case, never even get in. Not too late to help society trust cheaters suck. Maybe someday I won’t feel like I’m wildly waving my arms?

DrChump
DrChump
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

I like what you are saying. From reading these posts CL appears to have a smart loyal readership. (Perhaps the loyalty is why we were taken advantage of) CN needs to just post on these RIC sites recommending the Web Page and LACGAL.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I have a feeling this outrageously unreasonable (albeit very common) advice to not making any decision in the first year (why exactly one year? Why not 2 hours or a century?) was coined by a cheater. It sounds devious in the most obvious ways.

One year after discovery is time enough to hide moneys, get a head start with the narrative (character assassination) and see if the fairy tale with AP won’t go sour and if it’s safe enough to go all in and trade wife/husband appliance by the whore (I use the word now for both genders).

It is obvously a time *for the cheater* to regroup after being caught red handed, and don’t have consequences raining down on him/her while TKOd.

It is like they calling for a technical time out just after they committed a foul.

They don’t play by the rules, they’re always trying to bend the rules to their favour. Cheaters in every sense of the word.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

I too think maybe it is cheater/RIC inspired.

If you have ever read some of the reconciliation sites, they are full of; take your time, do 180, then the scum bag will come crawling back, he is in a fog etc.

I won’t name the most sickening site. I read a lot of it just out of curiosity, as my fw is long gone. I toggled between being outraged at the stupidity, and feeling so sorry for the (mostly women) following that advice. I wanted to get on there and scream NOOOooooooo. But I knew it would not end well.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“If you have ever read some of the reconciliation sites, they are full of; take your time, do 180, then the scum bag will come crawling back, he is in a fog etc.”

No, I never got to read from these sites because I found Chump Lady and Chump Nation first, thank goodness!

How could I ever thank Tracy enough for all she’s been doing? Does this woman has a clear idea of how many lives she’s saved (metaphorically and litterally)?

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

To Susie Lee:

You helped this baby chump here big time. Thank you for staying!

(((Hughs)))

DrChump
DrChump
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

“How could I ever thank Tracy enough for all she’s been doing? Does this woman has a clear idea of how many lives she’s saved (metaphorically and litterally)?”
Her advice is so sound and logical.
Immediately after DDay (before I knew anything and in disbelief) I signed up for the Marriage Helper save my marriage course. It only made me feel worse.
I was reading books, blogs listening to Reddit stories and started seeing a psychiatrist looking for answers.
I saw someone mentioned LACGAL and quoted her In a comment section of an Affair Healing web page. Her words made so much sense. I promptly bought the book.
I also frequently recommend LACGAL and the web page on the Marriage Helper FB forum. Now that I have seen the light it is so painful to read all the Chump holdout stories on the FB page
CN needs to promote and get the word out.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

I found CL first too, but way after my divorce. When fw and whore started tearing my son and his family apart with their selfishness and nastiness; I googled narcissist’s because I was thinking, WTH is wrong with this idiot. CL popped up, and I learned so much in hindsight. I found the links to the crazy sites on CN.

I had lived another whole life, but when I found CL, decided to stay for the smart folks, and to in any small way I could help baby chumps.

I did pretty good through my devastation, but there are a couple things I wish I had done different.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago

Holy moly, your story sounds 99% like mine.

NowISea
NowISea
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I also struck when he was in the honeymoon phase. He kept the AP a secret but I knew. Like you all I always did everything. I found a lawyer and had him draw up separation agreement with what he told me and a few things I wanted. My lawyer warned that I was getting much more than was norm in my 50/50 state. I said I’m going to ask and then we can negotiate if need be. There were only a few things I had to take out but he signed it after having the agreement for 3 months. Didn’t get a lawyer to look it over. I got the house (still owe a lot but has equity), full legal and physical custody of the kids, child support and alimony. In my lovely state we have to be separated for 1 year if you have kids before you can file (unless adultery but my lawyer advised against it since FW signed the papers and you have to go to court to prove adultery and that’s an added expense that wasn’t going to get me any more than I already had). I was going to file in June but FW couldn’t wait, got himself a lawyer and had me served Mother’s Day weekend. Shmoopie isn’t here legally so he needed to hurry up and marry her before she self-destructed. He lied about the separation date which pissed me off. Since he was in a hurry to divorce my lawyer and I dragged things out a few months more and I made him change the separation date. I have a clause in our separation/divorce agreement that whoever violates it will have to pay the lawyer fees and court costs. Our divorce was final this October and he secretly married AP in November. Still hasn’t told his kids or family about her. #lyingcoward #notagbacks

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago

This is absolutely the best advice for Chumps who don’t “want” the divorce but who want to secure and control their own future to the extent that is possible: “When I was questioning whether or not I should continue with the divorce proceedings during the ‘trying to win me back’ phase, my counselor told me to power through. She said, “there’s nothing that says you can’t watch his actions and see what he does while continuing the divorce proceedings. See if he follows through with any of the things he’s saying. You can get divorced and eventually decide to date him again if he shows that he’s made real changes”. She knew what she was talking about. Did he make any actual changes? Nope.”

If cheaters say they are going to change or they have changed, the only way to know is time–and distance. Once you take them back, your own old patterns are sure to emerge. Take time to change YOU from someone who tolerates abuse and/or lack of reciprocity and respect to someone who expects a partner to treat them with kindness, respect and reciprocity.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

Yep, I believe when most cheaters say they want the marriage, what they mean is: “I want to go back to the old marriage, where I do what I want, and you shut up and take it.”

I can’t blame most cheaters, they had a pretty sweet deal before they were exposed.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“Yep, I believe when most cheaters say they want the marriage, what they mean is: “I want to go back to the old marriage, where I do what I want, and you shut up and take it.”

Precisely. Cake, delicious cake. And the cherry on top, duper’s delight.

“I can’t blame most cheaters…

Oh, I can.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Ha, I meant that as a joke.

I agree, they can burn in hell.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

????????

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

This is SO TRUE!
Chumps are high quality people, who enhance life for everyone near them. Fuckwits know this, so of course they want to bounce back!
My X is doing his same old thing, wrecking himself, and I’m glad I’m only seeing it from afar. Poor mess.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I could have written this ????????????????????????????????

The cartoon hearts following him everywhere too…..until he flipped to the rage channel. Thank god we were close to trial when that happened. I got everything – 82% of all assets, none of his tax debts, full custody.

And, yes, I filed. Btw (I’m a lawyer, not anyone’s lawyer here- seek counsel in your own area) but filing first is a huge advantage if you go to trial — you set the narrative. First impressions with the Judge matter, a lot!

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago

Yes, strike–even if you don’t want to–while there are cartoon hearts circling their heads. I “fought for my marriage” (ugh) after D-Day #1/GF#1 which did me no favours. I didn’t make that mistake after D-Day #2/GF#3.

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

FourLeaf, I love your naming it “cartoon-heart land”. What an amazing outcome, you are mighty!

You were wise in throwing him a bone, another strategy that worked.

My only asset was my pension and while he was in cartoon-heartland I offered up paying his portion of health insurance (until my job ended) and kept the pension. Time marches on and this turned out to my advantage. I’ll be able to support myself this year when I retire. Great insight!

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I should add that, while it was absolute hell, I was extremely lucky to have been able to divorce him during his honeymoon period with GF#3/Wifetress. Not every chump gets to strike while the iron is hot and I acknowledge that. I was quite fortunate.

CheesyGrits
CheesyGrits
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Fourleaf, I also had to initiate and file for a divorce I desperately did not want. I consider it further abuse. But like your FW, mine was off living his “best life” (which in his case meant moving into a college dorm at the age of 34 to be near his undergrad gf).

He also was happy just to sign whatever and took practically nothing from the house at all. He had a rude awakening a couple of years later when he wanted to come collect “his stuff,” and I reminded him per our agreement the house and contents were mine, and that I had not kept “his stuff.”

I thank God I did not have children with him and applaud you for going the extra mile for them no matter how hard! You are so right it is best to strike while all they want is to move on, if you can, before the new reality sets in,

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  CheesyGrits

A 34 year old moving into a college dorm ???????????? I know most unis have separate housing for students pursuing masters and doctorates but I’m picturing a grown ass man (in age only mind you) moving into a dorm. The ridiculousness!

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  CheesyGrits

“…moving into a college dorm at the age of 34 to be near his undergrad gf).”

I had forgotten your FW and his ridiculous living arrangement. Good grief, what an idiot.

TruthBeTold
TruthBeTold
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Wow! Fourleaf this is mighty! I am so impressed.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Fourleaf, what you managed to do while in despair, pain, and trauma is miraculous. You were empathetically looking after your children and being a strong adult. FW was a lazy ass looking after his addicted d**k. Bravo. I know how hard and painful it was for you. You survived! You are powerful! You lost a tumor, not a partner. Brava!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  FuckWitFree

“You lost a tumor, not a partner.”

That’s brilliant, and so true.

Fourleaf, I salute you. ((hugs)). ????????

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

It really did feel like losing a tumor because life only improved with his absence! 🙂

ExcitedToBeFree
ExcitedToBeFree
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I’m curious if they’re still happily together. You should be proud of all you did!

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago

He and GF#3/Wifetress are still together (I guess third time’s the charm for affair partners, lol) and have been married longer now than FW and I were married. She can have him; it keeps him off my back and (mostly) out of my life, which I appreciate.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

You are awesome! Just because they’re still together does not make them happy

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Wow! You are the badassiest Mama Bear. Doing “what’s best for the kids” knowing it was best for you when it’s not what you signed up for.

Bravo!

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

As soon as it was all legally over I gave the kids my last name instead of his. (I moved his last name into their middle-name section; I didn’t want to take it away from them entirely; they can always take it back when they’re adults if they want.) He was still in cartoon-heart land and literally didn’t care what I did with them (which was both exciting and heartbreaking). I didn’t want his last name anymore; he and his parents were all in love with GF#3/Wifestress and looking at their surname every day broke my heart, so I took my maiden name back and gave it to my children (who couldn’t read yet, so the change was not jarring at all and they didn’t know what their last name looked like anyway, lol).

ChumpMike
ChumpMike
2 years ago

Yes, I filed first. Stupid me, I let her know ahead of time what my intentions were. She lawyered up and suddenly everything had to be “fair.” Living a double life and screwing your boyfriend while you were pregnant and I was home being with the kids every weekend like a chump was fair?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpMike

CM, isn’t it great when they after screwing us over royally, theft of marital funds, emotional and verbal abuse; all of a sudden “lets be reasonable”.

No more drama
No more drama
2 years ago

Of course I filed for the divorce. (His first ex-wife did, too.) His crappy job wouldn’t afford him to hire an attorney.

He got bent out of shape because at first we were going to try to file ourselves for a dissolution, but I soon realized only a fool had herself as a client.

Ex also wanted to go to mediation. We weren’t married long, so we had nothing big to divide like a home, and we didn’t have to arrange custody because we didn’t have a kid. Neither of us were entitled to alimony or things like that.

Then he asked crappy questions like, “Where did you find this guy?” about my lawyer – implying I was possibly sleeping with him. Ex also took offense to basic, boilerplate language in the papers, but I had my lawyer make those changes just to get Ex to sign. Then he wanted more changes, and my lawyer said he was going to have to charge me for more work. I told my ex he either had to sign the papers as is or hire his own lawyer and make the changes he wanted. That’s when he finally signed the papers.

Bonus story – when Ex went to my lawyer’s office to sign the papers, he was sobbing hard. Even some stone cold attorney at the firm felt bad for him. I think my lawyer thought I was a bitch after that. Whatever. They didn’t know Ex was a performative, cheating, abusive jerk. I got my divorce and I’m free.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 years ago
Reply to  No more drama

My X was a serial cheater, who routinely left me alone with our kids, while he went to bars, or screwed his secretary. And more, you all know how we were treated. Once I divorced him, and moved to my better life, he started sending me texts that he was sobbing like a little girl ????????‍♀️
I’m sure it was true. In his mind, I was supposed to endlessly take it, and not ‘break up the family’
Then again, he is mentally ill, so I can never understand him!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

No he filed. I called him about three weeks after he moved out and told him he needed to file so we could get our finances separated. He said he said (and I always laugh when I remember this) he didn’t want to hurt me.

I said you want the D you file. It was important to me for him to file for that very reason. However, I had also seen a lawyer and the lawyer said it would be to my advantage if he did file. Of course I didn’t tell fw that.

He was between a rock and a hard place. He had an ethics complaint filed against him for petitioning for a raise for his direct report, while he was hiding his relationship with her. Whoopsie.

Anyway, he waited about another week and filed. If he had not in pretty short order, I would have had to.

I am betting he told the brass, he had just recently picked up schtumping the work whore. Who knows but, he moved into an apt, and whatever he was doing was aimed at saving his ass on the job. I am sure the mayor had a quick investigation done, before he called fw into his office, which included getting a call log from his work land line phone, and his work cell phone. Cell phones were in their infancy then, but getting all the numbers he called would have been easy.

I already knew he was on his cell phone most of the time he was home, including very late at night.

Work whore was removed from her job as dog catcher and put in dispatch.

He wanted excitement in his life, he got it. At least until he was demoted, and put back on street patrol.

I was home falling apart, barely able to get through the day. But hey a guy needs his excitement.

Navigator
Navigator
2 years ago

No, sorry to be a lone dissenter, the cheater filed. He was so convinced that he met his twu twinkie- after I kicked him out upon discovering her – & after boinking her for a week non-stop, that he needed to follow his bliss (or was it his dick?). Anywho, it all happened so quickly, my head spun.

The OW is very good with manipulation, I’ve discovered, & FW can be too dick-dumb. But I also planted a seed of doubt with him when I saw how rapidly it was all happening. I might have suggested a pre-nup to him (hehe) & now he does want one before marrying, according to my kids….and so they still aren’t married. Dick-dumb lasts only so long apparently.

This is also a great time to get a good settlement when they are dick-dumb (however, beware self-serving OW/OM who might be behind the scenes to stop this from happening).

Cheater filed & that was to my advantage even though it was a terrible time emotionally & mentally for me. However, it all worked out in the end.

MightyMiss
MightyMiss
2 years ago
Reply to  Navigator

Mine filed first as well. In Australia, you can only file one year post separation. After I found out, I spent a week in shock, trying to figure out what the hell happened to my marriage. In spite of his lies that he ended it with the OW, I then found out he was still speaking to her. So I kicked him out- essentially making him homeless (she lived 5 hours away), grey rocked him and told him that we would now only speak through lawyers. He was so panicked! His mother told me he’d been miserable for a year (news to me!! He would spend a hours each night talking to me about our dreams). He tried manipulate me into doing his bidding with the house and custody of our one and four year olds. When I wasn’t compliant- he turned so nasty. He wanted me homeless (“neither of us are getting the house, I dont care if you are living on the streets”). By the one year mark, the other woman well and truly had her clutches into him. He sent me an abusive letter with the divorce papers stating he never loved me and his life was so much better.

He continues to be abusive now two and a half years later by attempts of malicious and false claims through third parties- kids school, the police and my work….. none of it worked as he was proven to be a liar and it just made him angrier and angrier.

My lawyer has been my saving Grace. In spite of all of this, I am so much happier. I am so grateful that soulless, piece of trash released me from a monster.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyMiss

MM, I was wondering, when you say file one year after separation; how do you prove the separation, or is it a legal separation then file for D.

In my state you could fine for legal separation, then the minimum wait post separation was 2 months. Or you could file directly for D, and the legal wait time is still 2 months.

My fw filed for D, but my lawyer got it changed to legal separation, with six month temp maintenance.

Vezza
Vezza
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

If the divorce app is opposed by Affidavit (not sure what it is called in US) with a witness affidavit as well. Chumps in Australia please be mindful of time limits- please do not file for divorce unless you have resolved property matters (sometimes that’s ok if you want to prevent the other party from making a claim against your assets.) You’ve only got one year to file for property after divorce.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Vezza

I think when I see that a year separation is required it may mean the same as a waiting period or similar for most US states.

It just sounded like folks would have to prove separation of one year, and how would they do that without some legal document to serve as proof.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

In my state you need there to be one year of separation and as far as I know, it is assumed that there was onw year unless one party opposes it and gets a witness to say you were still living together and eating meals together and so on.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Interesting. Seems like that would invite delays, and also with no legal separation of finances pose great risk to a chump.

Our Divorce finalization took a year, but my lawyer had a temp maintenance/ legal separation in place within a week after he filed.

Our was a no fault 50/50 state, but really that is just the starting point, once all is added in it is rarely 50/50 I would guess.

Claire
Claire
2 years ago

I filed for divorce. 15 days after he’d left. I wasn’t no contact at the time and messaged him to let him know (the hopium was in play). He messaged back..
‘You need to do what feels right for you, if this is where you want to go then I cannot prevent you from going ahead’ and ‘ For me, I was hoping for some calm, I wasnt ready for this yet’. Total mindfuckery. I was put in a spin with these words, like a tiny feather within a tornado.

What he wanted was to live in the matrimonial home but have separate rooms or another suggestion of his was to build a log cabin on the garden where he would live. Although I was toking on the hopium I at least had clarity about telling him to get the fuck out of my house. That house is about to become all mine. ????????

Hugs to you all ❤️

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

Filed first and got 3 properties ready to sell( after he brought schmoopie to play and shop through our things first). I had to do all of the work of divorce. It became my full time job for almost 2 years while he gummed up the process and caused legal costs to skyrocket. They suck

Bye, cheater
Bye, cheater
2 years ago

I filed first in what I feel was record time after DDay. He didn’t even know what hit him.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago

I filed first, too.

The Friday night I discovered his texts about fucking the rat faced whore, I was out of there, and in a solicitor’s office on Monday. They sent him the letter telling him I was filing on the grounds of adultery.

Fuckwit came over a couple of days later, to try and sell me this bullshit, “it was just lad’s banter! Nothing happened!”

I squirm now to think I actually wanted to believe this blatant crap; I actually texted CL to ask her if she thought it could possibly be true. Thankfully she texted back no, he was gaslighting me, and to get on the forums for support.

I’ll never cease to be thankful to you, CL, I didn’t even know what gaslighting *was*. ????????

Fuckwit refused to sign the admission of adultery, so my solicitor advised me that pursuing it would bring rat faced whore into it, and make the whole process longer and more expensive – she advised proceeding on the grounds of ” unreasonable behaviour” instead. If I’d had unlimited funds at my disposal, I’d have pushed on the adultery, I’d have loved to drag that whore into court, but I took her advice.

Of course fuckwit dragged it out, trying to make it as difficult as he could, ignored mediation requests (which came back to bite his arse in the FDR ????), ignored letters, everything. “You/the Court/police are not the boss of me”.

I finally had to pay to get him served. The process server went to fuckwit’s flat on *Valentine’s Day*, rat faced whore opened the door, and voila! he was served. ????????. The process server said he looked ‘absolutely furious’. I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the door closed… ????

At the FDR, the judge awarded me the entire proceeds from the sale of our home plus costs. He got an £800 barrister’s bill. ????????????????

Just goes to show; fuckwit shot himself in the foot by his own delaying tactics.

Of course, I never got the costs.,???????????? but at least I got a good settlement.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Rat ???? faced whore or ???? ????????????????

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

“The process server said he looked ‘absolutely furious’”.

When I first handed my FW the agreement our lawyer had drafted for her to review and sign she’s gone berserk, tore the document into tiny pieces, stomped into it, then grabbed a framed picture of us from the wall and shattered it into pieces on the floor. All in front of our kids I was there to pick up.

On one of the rare occasions she dropped the kids at my place, I presented her another copy of the same draft. She signed it over the trunk of the cab she was in and then slapped the rolled up papers across my face with all her strength (again, in front of the kids). My glasses landed at the sidewalk.

I really don’t know how I put up with so much shit.

BetterThanAWhore
BetterThanAWhore
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

Yikes!! That’s awful. Good thing you’re away from that now.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

“I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall when the door closed…”

They really do hate it when they are no longer in control.

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago

I was told, “I found someone and want a divorce.”
This was after 41 years of abuse. Once I saw the skank and with the support of a wonderful therapist I was the one who had to file.

My attorney said it was a simple divorce and I put down a deposit. However, it interrupted his travel plans he booked a short time after dday. It took a year to the day to rid myself from the serial cheater.
I was told he was entitled to my small pension. He was too lazy and cheap to hire his own attorney and I was able to keep my pension and support myself in retirement.

I recall asking him in the early days if it was worth it? Never seeing beyond his dick and avoiding taxes (self employed) earned him the opportunity to live in poverty with the hole he dug for himself.

Filing and going no contact eliminated the forever cycle of abuse once and for all.

My divorce with no assets cost ???? 1800.00. I let go of the cash he hid and instead made him pay for all his credit cards. Recently, I was informed he’d been with her for a year and a half prior to the announcement as she was bragging to adult child.
Don’t care, Meh.

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Doingme…last words I said to the fuckwit was, “I hope in the end, this has all been worth it to you.” This was 2 days after divorce decree was signed & over 2 years since he set foot on what was now my property. He was there to pick up his shit from the cellar – luckily there was an outside access so I didn’t have to let him in the house. From the porch I was supervising what was being removed. When he was finished he stepped up on the porch & thanked me for allowing him to get his stiff. WTF? as it was a court order. It was then that I uttered my last words to him. He looked alittle taken back. It’s coming up on 10 yrs now.

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

Hirt1

His last words to me were in the court hallway as we waited for copies of the settlement we’d signed. He told me he thinks about me all the time.

My response, I’m single. Seven years FREE!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I think the most valuable asset I got out of my D was that fw had to assume all the debt. It was only fair as it was run up by his spending on what he wanted. I did get a tiny house free and clear, but debt free, that is power.

It was not his plan, but he was in a mess of his own making.

Erasure
Erasure
2 years ago

Mine definitely didn’t want divorce and didn’t believe I would go through with it. She evaded and was abusive to the process server. During the separation, she also refused to make any payments on the credit cards under my name that were run up to put her through nursing school. When I pointed out how shitty this was she coldly said “You knew the financial consequences of divorce.”

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago
Reply to  Erasure

Could have told her: “You knew the consequences of having an affair . . .”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Erasure

““You knew the financial consequences of divorce.””

You consequences would have been much worse had you kept a fw.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
2 years ago

I filed. The dick thought we could just live separate lives. I said, “I can NOT be married to an adulterer.” He pointed a finger at me and loudly said, “And that’s your problem! You’re so judgemental!” My guess is he was hoping that I’d agree to separate lives having our respective side pieces, and then down the road he could turn to our sons and say, “Well it must be okay with your mom because she has her boyfriend too.” And that would have brought me down to his level alleviating any guilt on his part I had to file else I’m sure we’d still be married.

Ali
Ali
2 years ago

I filed first. It was tricky for me — he insisted on a confidentiality agreement because he knew that if it came out that he had a bdsm and god knows that else sex addiction that he would lose his therapy license.
I wanted the divorce so badly that I finally agreed not to write a book about him — as if anyone really cares to read about such a wretched person. Five years later — I’m ok — he’s remarried and a practicing therapist.
Two of his “specialties” according to his website — addiction and men’s sexual health. Aaaargh

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Thank you for reminding me to stay away from therapists.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
2 years ago

Nope, I had to file. After two DDays, I had enough. Moved to separate area of house, installed locks and alarms on my door and went no contact with him. Got the ducks in the row as best as I could , hired a pit bull attorney and filed. He claimed to be shocked and surprised and of course completely without fault. Unfortunately, my son had pics of FW and Schmoopie that FW accidentally put on my son’s shared photo account. The Pi also got some nice pics and other evidence. He spent $$$$ on Schmoopie that we know of.
FW got a lawyer but wants to drag his feet and claim poverty (he has unsuccessfully tried to hide assets). He is trying to settle but the CDFA still does not thinks his offers are good enough. Court date is set for a Tuesday but we fully expect that he will come up with a settlement before that to avoid his shit going on record. During this process, I made sure everything goes to the attorneys. He tried to engage me in talking but got no cake and was extremely pissed that my only answer was to tell him to go through the attorneys. The kibble supply ended and he was not happy. Guess he thought the pick me dance would continue forever. Guess he was wrong. He can have his 32 years younger Schmoopie and she has a real prize.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago

I also have a CDFA. After my first attorney consult, she was my second appointment. She held copies of financial documents for me that I was able to smuggle out of the house. She helped convince me that a fair settlement will result in my ability to support myself, raise my child, and still have a nice retirement. I know she will keep me from accepting something less than equitable.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago

He wanted the divorce, and then did NOTHING to further it (besides threatening me, so I ended up moving out of the house) and in fact kept waffling and talking about reconciliation while he all but lived with his AP (and then DID move in with her). He did send me some BS “separation agreement” which he either found online or his girlfriend gave him, which I did NOT sign.

I finally told my lawyer I was done (I had been trying to “save” something that was not worth saving) and was ready to file. We put together my complaint and were about ready to serve him when BAM! he filed first. He knew I was going to file (since my lawyer had contacted his to ask if the attorney could accept service on his client’s behalf) and I think my stbx wanted to control the narrative. *I* couldn’t leave *him*, because then people might think there was something inappropriate about his and AP’s relationship. I had also stopped doing everything he wanted me to do, particularly when it came to custody. He thought he could intimidate and scare me by filing. His complaint was the most ridiculous thing my attorney had every seen. She couldn’t believe his lawyer put his name on that crap (it was obvious my stbx had written it, not the attorney). Twelve pages of accusations where he basically showed his hand and every argument he intended to make. It was 90% bald faced lies, and 10% distortions of the truth. And so petty and gross. He didn’t come out looking particularly good in it, either (he admitted he wanted me to destroy evidence of his abuse, trying to use my refusal to do so to make ME look bad, lol). It made it very easy to make my countersuit. Which was a page and a half. I did counterfile, because we are in an at-fault state, and I was absolutely going to make my case for cruelty and adultery.

Honestly, he saved me the filing fee, and I opened a bottle of champagne the day my lawyer told me the news.

THEN, even though he filed, he dragged his feet every step of the way, filing his discovery MONTHS after it was due (and then having the audacity to file a motion to compel because mine was a week or two late), and when he did finally file it, it contained only a fraction of the requested documents. He fought me on EVERY LITTLE THING and cost me $50,000 even though we were nowhere near actually getting divorced. My attorney and I actually thought he was deliberately slowing it down to avoid marrying AP, and also to “punish” me and keep me stuck in limbo. If I had to do things over again, I would have filed the minute he admitted to his “emotional affair”. Instead I fought like hell for four years for a marriage that was slowly killing me (that is not hyperbole).

My ex ended up taking his own life before the divorce even got to a pretrial hearing. He was in despair because AP left him, he was completely broke, and the court kept ruling in my favor. And though I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and it was horrible, in the end it saved me a ton of money, completely freed me emotionally and mentally (no more fear! He was VERY abusive and scary), and set my kid up financially (between life insurance and social security, my kid’s college is pretty much taken care of, and then some).

It was a wild and horrific four years (plus a decade of abuse before that), but it’s over now, I’ve truly moved on, I don’t waste time in rumination or hate or anger., I don’t even hate AP anymore. I don’t feel sorry for her, but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m grateful she came into his life. Because of her I got OUT. I lost a lot of people along the way, but I found out who my real friends are, and I’ll take that over fair-weather people any day.

I am finally HAPPY. I’d forgotten what happy felt like. It is wonderful.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago

He actually went to a lawyer first, but it was to see about a post-nup. It was a carrot he was dangling to get me to stay. He stated that the lawyer had said to him; “You say you were planning to leave her when you were having this affair. Look, you got what you wanted. She’s going to leave. So why are you doing this? If it goes to court, a judge will probably give her more than 50% since you have an adult child with special needs. I’ll charge $8000 for a post-nup, plus she needs a lawyer for that as well, and it will cost a lot more to represent your interests in a divorce. It’s cheaper and easier to just offer her something she’ll accept so you can avoid going to family court.”

He came back from that deflated. He had actually thought it was always a 50/50 split, and I had told him that usually it was, if both parties agree, and I was not going to agree. He certainly didn’t want to go to court and be publically embarrassed by being shown for the asshole he is on public record, so he offered me more. I got 60% of the income and 75% of the home equity, plus a new house in my name. I was delighted to agree to that. I also demanded he take out a two million dollar life insurance policy on himself for the sake of his disabled daughter. He did. Getting all that took some of the sting out of being betrayed. I later inherited some money and property as well.
Fw, otoh, lives in a crappy one bedroom rental and has no life. ????

ChumpTight
ChumpTight
2 years ago

In 2018 I busted the skank. She said she wanted a divorce but wouldn’t file. In the meantime when she wasn’t around I put everything together to talk to my lawyer. He said he never had a client so well prepared. She still wouldn’t file after I asked her one final time even though she was saying things like “we’ll get divorced then we can remarry in two years.” So Thanksgiving 2018 she took sparkle dick to her family gathering. That was my final straw and so I filed on Black Friday. She drug it out for 27 months to avoid paying child support and maintenance by getting fired or quitting her job after they got busted at work. Going on 4 years she still is working part time and the two fuckwits are still together but it’s extremely toxic over there. None of the kids want to be there and my 13 year old son has said he wants to cut his mother and her family out of his life and he has told he doesn’t need a mom. So I took her back to court going for full custody now. Of course she’s fighting like crazy to keep it 50/50.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago

I filed first. I moved four hours away to a safer place and had him served. When I left I just walked out with a car load of essentials and my old sick with cancer dog who was on doggie palliative care. I just left. No explanations, no note, no phone call no discussion, just walked out the door. Fuckface never even looked for me, he didn’t call, email, text, send the police a missing person’s report. It took the process server nearly two weeks to serve him. Even then he just sent me a text explaining that he would send me the paperwork to sign away my rights to his pension and any support. He then requested I sign the document that would allow him to use the local hotshot men’s rights attorney I had consulted while looking for my “pitbull of a lawyer”. 33 years of marriage, 35 years of being a couple,( ok I was a couple not him, ) and he didn’t care if I was even alive.

I filed first from a safer place at the advice of my therapist and my lawyer. Both of those professionals urged me to flee to safety before I filed. I took back my power two years, nine months and 18 days ago by the act of filing first.

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago

Your mightiness is awe-inspiring, 33. I am glad you got out, I’m sorry he was so horrendous.

Brit
Brit
2 years ago

Cheater was excited about leaving. He told me he wanted “something different.” Being a trusting Chump it didn’t occur to me that he was cheating. He told me many times he wasn’t that kind of guy and I believed him. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t get angry, I was understanding and calm. This is what I was reduced to. I thought when he gets over his mental illness, brain tumor, middle aged crisis he will appreciate my understanding and we can live our lives like this never happened. (I can feel my face flush as I’m typing). I actually believed this.

To answer the question, he filed first. I heard a loud knock on my door one morning, it was cheater. He was giddy, as he excitedly told me he had filed as he handed me a book on divorce.
I remember looking at him and thinking he’d lost his mind.
I found out later the “something different” is an attorney so I assume this was her idea. One of many.

There were also the text’s he’d written to a women I didn’t know, that sounded like they were written by adolescent girl using teenage slang and abbreviations such as k?
That was just the beginning of. the nightmare.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

Sounds familiar—the giddy excitement and brainless expectation that I would appreciate his new ventures. Their narcissistic delusions are stunning! I hope you are well past that idiocy now!

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

I forgot to add, the texts I thought were more evidence he’d lost his mind. K?

FT
FT
2 years ago

Yes, I filed first.

Knowing what I know now I would have done it a lot quicker, but I had done so much work to not get divorced like my parents.

I had to protect myself financially because he was (is) financially abusive also.

He was too busy sending the neighbourhood teenagers for pedicures, and facials before taking them to the cottage that he had rented for that activity and f**ing the neighbours wife.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  FT

My parents and grandparents never divorced. I stead of trying to not be like my parents, I think part of my brain didn’t want to be the first in my family that I knew of to get divorced. I had done a ton of genealogical research as a hobby and the divorces were on FW’s side of the family. It made me wonder if there is a FW genetic defect. But anyway, I didn’t want to be the first in my lineage to have “failed.” But thinking back on my cheater grandfather and my poor chumped grandmother, I now see that just likng the first in my family to go to college, in filing for divorce, I will be the first of my tree to have successfully gotten away from a FW to start a better life. It took me a long time to see that, though.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  FT

“I had to protect myself financially because he was (is) financially abusive also.”

This seems so common, my fw was using married finds to pay for his “dating” long before I even suspected. I still don’t know how he kept it so quiet from his work situation. She obviously had reason to keep quiet, as money was flowing to her. Tell me these whores aren’t equally responsible. Bull shit.

Susane
Susane
2 years ago

As soon as I discovered Crooked Willi was cheating on me with his co-worker, I retained a lawyer and filed for divorce. He had no clue that I knew, so during our Friday morning marriage counseling session I confronted him and told him I wanted him out of the house and out of my life. The counselor was shocked herself, but convinced CW it would be good if he left so things could cool down. My brother was waiting at our home and made sure CW got packing. I had taken the garage door opener out of his car, so as he was backing out and reaching up to click it, I stood in front of the car and clicked the garage door shut for him. You’re welcome! I changed the locks and that Monday morning I had him served at the office.
Divorcing an extreme narcissist meant I was screwed over financially but it was soooo worth it. My son (who was 16y at the time) chose to be 100% with me and I have kept my honesty and integrity intact, priceless!

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
2 years ago

Yep, same here. It was an exit affair, so he wasn’t trying to keep any doors open or get me to pick-me-dance. He was off to his new life – and it was down to me to clear up the mess of our joint lives, including filing for divorce and doing most of the work. I still remember me making proposal after proposal and him just knocking them back without making a counter-proposal. Even my solicitor started to get pissed off. They were getting loads in fees, but could see what effect it was having on me.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago

One of the many things that Ex-Mrs LFTT has never forgiven me for is that I divorced her.

I was advised not to pursue the divorce on the grounds of adultery but to go for unreasonable behaviour, which I did. It really went badly wrong for her when she dragged her feet, lied to our mediator and it all ended up in court. She compounded her lies to the mediator by lying to her legal team, who relayed her bullsh*t to the judge without checking …. he did not like this one bit. I got an excellent settlement, including a clean break, and she found that 20% of her settlement was eaten up by her lawyer’s fees and almost another 20% in covering money that she’d borrowed after she left the kids and I.

All my fault apparently.

LFTT

Almost Monday
Almost Monday
2 years ago

I found the marriage counselor(s), I moved out, I told both our families, I separated bank accounts, I planned the wreckincilation trip, I filed for divorce and provided 30 years of financial documents, I paid a qualified family lawyer, he yukked it up with an old family friend who was also an attorney, I arranged all the notarized signatures, I resumed my maiden name and notified dozens of institutions of the change.

I ATE THE SHIT SANDWICH.

It took a couple years. He never protested. One time he was asked to leave some of my remaining boxes at a neutral location, but otherwise I could say he didn’t lift a finger.

I am glad I took control of the divorce. But maybe it was just reflective of the emotional and administrative responsibilities I had throughout the entire relationship. I wonder how many weddings would take place if the FWs had to do half the work.

Fuckwitfree
Fuckwitfree
2 years ago
Reply to  Almost Monday

Both my therapist and attorney told me similar things that narcissistic cheaters are LAZY. They don’t do stuff unless it’s easy. This is because they are immature children who don’t know how to be grownups and don’t want to do the work.

Janie Canuck
Janie Canuck
2 years ago
Reply to  Fuckwitfree

Sounds like my STBX. My attorney has been waiting months for bank statements which could be downloaded in seconds (if he knew how ????). Instead we are going to subpoena the bank and add the cost to the growing list of expenses he will be ordered to pay. He is hellbent on leaving me penniless and on the street, which won’t happen after 41 years of marriage, but as long as we are married I am entitled to all his generous retirement benefits. You would think for that reason alone he would be quick to finalize things. What an idiot!

Karmeh
Karmeh
2 years ago

Yes I filed on grounds of adultery . This wasn’t difficult to prove as she was pregnant with my husbands baby she was also engaged to my husband !
Her social media posts did nothing but help me as here you need grounds to divorce or you have to wait out the separation period . So we hit him and hit him hard with all the proof .
He said he would “ agree” to the early divorce but he wouldn’t pay a penny towards it as this was my idea !! He was living with her since day 1 and it’s my idea ?? Ok then !!
His lawyer said it would be best to wait the Separation period and she would discuss with her client ( him)
I paid the money told my lawyer I ain’t waiting get him to court . He didn’t show up to get divorced and since he could defend himself and he had a lawyer he simply couldn’t be bothered .

He married her a few weeks later

Zyx321
Zyx321
2 years ago

Yup, I had to file, even though he did not want to be married- couldn’t even say the word divorce. It was mutually agreed I would file, but at that point I was still on the Hopium. I filed, found him a suitable place to live with the kids, found the mediator, etc. too wrapped up with the younger AP to care about his kids,
Newbies out there, skip the mediator.
We had agreed to share tax returns, and found out the next year he had a second job !? Tried to negotiate for more child support for 6 months, then filed in court. Ironically I only asked for $125 more…. judge awarded an additional $1000. Again, that first mediator was worthless (though not their fault ex lied…)
Nine years on, kids now in college, I barely ever think about him, only times such as Xmas when I went with the kids to see his mother. But those were rough days, divorce we worked at the same place, he moved away and started a new family, my kids were devastated, then followed by suicidal kids….
Of course, I am to blame with all that…never mind his actions, etc,

So newbies, it does get better. Just time, therapy, hopefully a good friend to two to listen…
Regardless of how things turn out, you are BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM.

CallMeChumpmael
CallMeChumpmael
2 years ago

The comments are all very inspiring, helpful, and motivating. My D-Day was October 30, 2021. The spouse admitted to have a 5 year “emotional” relationship with another woman because I wasn’t meeting his emotional needs–got all sorts of crazy blame-shifting. He became very angry when I said I wanted a divorce and now pretends like everything is fine. I am still in the relationship, and working very quietly behind the scenes to gain more financial independence. I have no doubt I will be the one to file.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago

Yeah right. They were completely chaste for five whole years. These fuckwits must have rocks in their heads to think we’ll believe nonsense like that. Keep the faith, CMC. You’ll be free soon.
Love your name btw.

Claire
Claire
2 years ago

In 2010 I discovered the FW was deep in an emotional affair with a woman the same age as our oldest son that he’d met while out with me. I was devastated. Didn’t leave as had just been diagnosed with the big C and didn’t know if I’d survive. He begged for my forgiveness, he partly got that.

In 2011 I discovered he’d sent a bouquet of flowers to a much younger work colleague. This was a week after our wedding anniversary for which I had received nothing! Again I was so hurt. But he convinced me it was just a friendly gesture.

July 2020 DDay 3. This time he tries to gaslight the bejeezus out of me. I didn’t know which way was up. But I got rid of him. He still tried to convince me it was just a friendship and that she’d been a ‘distraction’ and nothing more. The night he left our home he moved in with her.

31 year marriage, 34 years together. He’s been a complete FW regarding the divorce too. Lost the relationship with our adult children due to his actions since leaving me. I am almost free. Paperwork going to the judge any day now.

Stay strong

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  Claire

Good for you! Be sure to tell us when the divorce is final. A “distraction?” Oh, is that what they’re calling it these days. ???? what a cowardly, lying sack of dung.

My fw not only didn’t give me anniversary gifts, he spent every anniversary with his ho, in the guise of doing “volunteer work” so that I’d look like a bitch if I complained. He would gone from morning until at least 1 or 2 a.m. and sometimes not until 4 or 5 in the morning, so that he didn’t have to see me at all on that day. There is no bigger passive-aggressive “fuck you and fuck our marriage” than deliberately shitting on the wedding anniversary. Then when the idiot was caught, he actually thought I’d reconcile. ???? We were together more than 30 years too. That didn’t mean jack shit to him apparently.

My kids don’t have a relationship with him either. He has nobody, not even any close friends anymore, and his family is a train wreck so they’re of little use to him.
Sucks to be a fw.

CallMeChumpmael
CallMeChumpmael
2 years ago
Reply to  Claire

Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through all that BS and I hope the big C is part of your past. I am grateful for the people here who have shared their stories. There’s a saying that goes something like, “someday the story of your struggle will become someone else’s survival guide”.

TruthBeTold
TruthBeTold
2 years ago

Wishing you luck, CMC. I’m sorry you have to go through this and now endure the horrible period of lining up ducks. You’ve got this!

CallMeChumpmael
CallMeChumpmael
2 years ago
Reply to  TruthBeTold

Thank you! I take things one day at a time. I have to keep reminding myself that small steps will lead to big results.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago

I filed first. The only thing that came out of our 1 session of marriage counseling was that the MC explained to XW that she was “way ahead” of me (ie, she had already discarded me and found someone new, but I had thought I was married for life up to a couple weeks earlier) and it was going to take me some time to catch up.

A couple months later, everything but the filing was done: Kids had been informed. XW moved out. We had informal custody worked out. AP left his wife and kids and bought his own house. She and AP spent Christmas together. Our lives were already largely separated.

In the end, when I did file (because XW was making bizarre choices like tricking the kids into meeting the AP, and I didn’t trust her judgment without a legal document in place), I think I was pretty nice about it: I warned her it was happening, I declined to have her served at her place of work and just sent the documents through the mail, informing her lawyer at the same time. I didn’t ask for majority custody. I didn’t file on grounds of adultery.

And yet, XW called me to rage and cry about it. She was sobbing and screaming and telling me she couldn’t believe I would do this to her. It was actually the only time I saw any significant emotion from her during the whole process, I think because it was the only step that I took on my own time; everything else she controlled to the last detail. She got a tiny, tiny taste of what it’s like to have your life blasted apart and she absolutely couldn’t handle it.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
2 years ago

Why the eff do they think it’s ok to manipulate their kids into hanging out with the APs? I know now that the dick used to intentionally set things up so his family and the latest AP were at the same event …..then they would sneak off for a while. It added to the excitement. What sick people.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

They really are sick.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

I don’t know. In this particular case, my daughter knew who the AP was (because she’d broken into her mom’s phone and seen their texts) but my XW didn’t know that she knew. XW pretended that she and the kids were stuck at the airport for an hour because “uber dropped my call” and her “work colleague” just happened to be flying through our hometown so she brought the kids to meet him. I only found out about this because my 16-yo daughter was so obviously distraught at being lied to by her mother, and forced to pretend not to know the identity of the guy her mother was having an affair with, that it was obvious to me that something was seriously wrong when XW finally dropped the kids with me.

My daughter refused to tell me what was wrong for a several days, saying “I don’t want to hurt you, Dad”, until finally I convinced her that it wasn’t the kid’s job to protect the parent at the kid’s expense. Come to think of it, that’s also when I found out that during that trip XW had left our kids behind (at friends’ houses) and driven 300 miles (across state lines) to spend the week with AP. Without telling me, of course. Those were the “bad decisions” (referenced in a post above) my XW was making that finally convinced me that I couldn’t trust her judgment and I needed a legal document that defined what conduct was unacceptable. I filed for divorce the next week.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago

I see someone left the cake out in the rain.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago

My ex ran, saying that the distance would “save” our marriage. My wonderful divorce attorney said that spouses who run either have somebody waiting for them or want to live like they aren’t married, period. He recommended getting a P.I. so we could use the results to threaten a trial (I’m also in an at-fault state). I refused but said that if it did go to trial, we would. Thankfully it settled without that, saving me a lot of money.

I knew that it had to be, but yes he kicked it off and filed.

Fuckwitfree
Fuckwitfree
2 years ago

I filed eleven hours after he was arrested for drunk driving. Married 29 years. His phone contained much cheating evidence. He kept threatening ME with divorce. I didn’t bail him. Work slut was on vaycay with her hubby and far away. He was served in front of coworkers. Told me *I* was the cruel one. I don’t fucking care. He’s thankfully gone, messed up his life, is still an addict, many health problems. I don’t care.

Surviving Day to Day
Surviving Day to Day
2 years ago

I filed. And had him served while he was in jail. One of my life’s petty joys is that his address on the paperwork is “Adult Detention Center, Xxxxx County”. We live in an at fault state, and you can bet I filed that way. My ducks are all lined up, but my mental health is not great.

It’s been almost a year since Dday – a horrific day that revealed not just cheating but so many more levels of lying, violations and betrayals, not just me but my kids. Calling the police, having them come to my house with search warrants, having to go into hiding with my kids until his arrest, knowing the man I loved was in reality a monster with a CP collection has forever damaged me. I am nowhere near healed and I don’t know that I ever will be.

Thank god for the court order prohibiting contact; I don’t ever want to hear his voice again. There was an evil monster under the mask of the husband that I loved and shared my life with.

Court day for the divorce is still several months away, and his criminal trial is months after that. I have spent almost $20,000 in legal fees so far. I pray that my lawyer is correct in his optimism that evil FW will be forced to cover my legal fees.

Someday I will write a book. Or a screenplay for a lifetime movie! 😀

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
2 years ago

So sorry, Surviving. Stay strong! I went to an attorney for a free consultation, the year before I finally filed. To ask “if there is CP on his computer, what do I do? What would I be liable for?” It blasted me into reality, my hope for a better marriage with a “sex addiction” finally gone, when I heard myself asking those questions.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
2 years ago

I filed first. 35 years. He had been with the MENSA girl for 4 1/2 years. He wanted to use a mediator but he failed to do all the things. So I filed I had intended to tell my kids in person put MENSA girl spilled the beans to them. My daughter was a little hurt until I explained that it was not the idiots place to tell them. Anyhow there are/is lots of dragging of feet. There has to be clear legal deadlines or nothing happens.

I think Fourleaf was awesome. I could not do it when I was in the puddle stage. Fourleaf you are so strong.
After Dday I said that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He said he wanted that also just not right now. WTF.

Almost Monday
Almost Monday
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

“After Dday I said that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He said he wanted that also just not right now. WTF.”

Me, too. I finally just kept repeating “I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you” because his narrative and trickle truths were so disorienting there was no resolution.

He also suggested we could resume our 30 year marriage after “a couple years” apart.

anuthatch
anuthatch
2 years ago

I filed. After discovering him cheating..again. I packed his car, ( he was out of town for work). Changed the locks and hired an attorney. His attorney was awful. As in filing stupid motions, letting things get lost etc. It took almost three years to get divorced. I had to fire my first attorney because she just wasn’t aggressive enough. I am strict No contact as kids are all grown. However, recently has to consult with my divorce attorney as he is now in contempt concerning a Life Insurance policy. He should have received the attorney letter this week. Some of them never change. They just remain assholes. Yes, he did marry the AP.
I have proof ( camera/ security) that he was going into the marital home as recent as last year. I sold that house last fall to be rid of his stalking. I haven’t pressed charges yet because I don’t want to see him again in court. But am getting to my wits end. Divorce was finalized three and a half years ago.

LivingTheGoodLife
LivingTheGoodLife
2 years ago

Yes, I filed. Financially I let him off so easy, and he still stiffed me. The day he was to move out I had to go wake him up and throw him out of my bed! He, as expected, said I was unwilling to work on the marriage and I was the horrible person in the relationship. That’s what happens when you refuse to tolerate his cheating. He turned out to be a deadbeat dad who hasn’t seen his children in years. Shocked? No.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
2 years ago

Textbook chump experience here. I finally filed after Dday #4. She was incensed to be served. Wanted her FW, our kids, house, and all my money. I was overly generous according to my lawyer but anything less than everything wasn’t good enough for her. She fired two lawyers that told her I was being reasonable before her fellow cheater father paid for the most expensive lawyer in town. She dragged it out but I still got the fair settlement my lawyer told me I would with 50/50 join custody. It was worth it for my kids to have had me in their young lives and not be wholly raised by a FW.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
2 years ago

I filed 2 1/2 weeks after DDay. I went to a free consult and they ran a Colorado back ground check on her and I saw the full extent of her double life. When I told her I filed for divorce her reply was: “I thought you were only seeing what your options were. I never thought you would actually file for divorce”. Later on she said “I never thought you would divorce me”. When you file for divorce it gives you a special kind of power because it’s a choice you make not made for you if they file first. It helped me get to “meh” much faster.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

I agree that being the one to initiate or file is part of taking our power back. To be devalued, deceived, and discarded is a huge blow. To take away their power to call the shots, and to demonstrate this to them, helps us heal.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

To me taking my power back was just in hiring my own lawyer.

Me filing would have caused me more grief, not less. But again that is situational.

He tried to bully me a couple times, even after he filed; but I just (threw up the hand figuratively) and said “have your lawyer contact mine”

I do regret that I didn’t go for three years of maintenance that I was entitled to, but I really needed him to be gone after a year.

I only asked for six months, then he delayed it for another six months. But he was paying the whole year. I am fairly sure he was trying to delay marriage to schmoops.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
2 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Hallelujah! I ignored so many red flags, and put up with so much abuse, but in the end it was me who officially ended “our” marriage. At least I have that.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Same. Feels good to say “did it for me.” And it leaves no options on the table for them.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

I filed first. FW walked out abruptly on DDay and moved straight in with OW (all of us in Virginia). OW’s father is a retired family law attorney across the river in Maryland so FW thought he was getting good advice from OW I guess. She thinks she’s an expert too (although her degree was in German and French). She thinks her dad’s law degree was genetically passed down to her… or she stayed in a Holiday Inn Express.

But FW apparently never google’ed the differences in Virginia and Maryland law. When FW left, he laughed at me that “there’s nothing you can do for a year” (can’t file until a year of separation when you have minors — true in both Virginia and Maryland.)

Except …Maryland has legal separation. And Virginia does not. And Virginia still lets you file straight away for adultery. And even after he left, it’s considered adultery in VA.

So I hired an attorney and they got a PI for me… and those idiots flaunted their twu wuv at a free movie (Ferris Bueller) in an Arlington park and then back to her home. I never looked at the photos but apparently they were more than sufficient for proof and to file. So within 2 weeks I had him served at the office (schmoopie coworker there too).

Ahhhh good times

Totally worth it. The divorce and money loss was Hell… but we were divorced in one year. Hallelujah

NowISea
NowISea
2 years ago

Hey MichelleShocked,
VA girl here too! Way to be mighty!! My lawyer advised against the adultery route since I was able to get him to sign the PSA agreement that he was too dumb to have a lawyer look at! He was so ready to live his best Peter Pan life with little to no responsibility. Plus my PI didn’t have enough evidence because FW was living in a townhouse with AP and 2 other guys. In a nearby neighborhood, 4 minutes away! He didn’t flaunt AP and has tried to keep her existence a secret from his kids and his family back in Mexico even after he married her in November. He was visiting his family with our kids in Mexico this Xmas telling them that we are finally divorced because he was unhappy and there’s no one else. (His great long unexpressed unhappiness caused the divorce not his gold digging side piece.????????) Meanwhile, our 19 yr daughter had been telling all the relatives the truth about him and showing them pics of his recent marriage that the AP plastered all over her public Instagram and Facebook. lying cowards=no shame. His sparkly new wifetress couldn’t go because 1. she doesn’t exist and 2. She can’t leave the country while she tries to legalize her documents.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
2 years ago

MS
My lawyer noted that in VA. we still hold “a puritanical” legal system that also allows for suing the current AP.

I didn’t go there as XW protected her candyman. However it was a great LEVERAGE until I pulled the already arranged trigger.

Once I realized the horse was dead, there was no use beating it. So I count my blessings when it comes to our Puritan legal upbringings.

All lawyers really do is submit paper to the courts. Proper form # and fee.

I learned that in VA you can file your own divorce for $75 directly with the court clerk.

1st D: cost $16K
2nd D cost: $2500 with a signed/notarized separation agreement detailing property and monetary specifics. (FWs will give shit away when tranqed with foreign semen ????)

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

I think all states should have those laws. It isn’t about using the law as much as giving consequences. Like laws against many other things, laws don’t stop it, but does give the victim some rights in getting restitution either in lieu of action, or with action.

Those Puritans were not wrong about everything.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

SL
Old time hillbillies law ????

Forty Years Freed
Forty Years Freed
2 years ago

A month after D day , hoping (projecting) the discovery would lead to termination of her affair. I’d discovered she’d took off for a weekend fuckfest at a regional amusement park with AP. She was stupid enough to take photos that I’d found in the glove compartment of her car. I tossed them on the dining room table and told her “If you love this guy you need to go be with him.’ She left , with the kids , with really nowhere to go as AP was living with his mom and paying child support. She’d spent the next 6 months couch surfing and I explained all this to my lawyer. She eventually rented a dump of a trailer and I’d found that AP was staying there. That was the last straw..I got court ordered custody of the kids and filed. I was done. No way this was going to be a fixable situation. She turned into the textbook narcissistic sociopath.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

You are mighty. Glad you got the kids too.