I Can’t Believe I Just Said That
Today’s Friday Challenge was suggested by Mr. CL. It was inspired by a comment he read on last Friday’s post where a chump told her husband:
“50-year-old men can’t sext with 17-year-old girls.”
It’s the kind of thing, as you say it, you think, “I can’t believe I’m having to say this.”
Something so patently absurd, it shakes you out of chumpdom for a moment. I gotta get outta here. This is bananas.
What basic tenet of decency did you find yourself explaining? And how did it sound to your own ears?
TGIF!
Fucking someone else isn’t a communication issue!
“ I’m not gaslighting you anymore.”
“You can’t stop me having an affair”.
No, that’s why I’m divorcing your sorry a**.
After twenty six years, the denial is so strong on first discovery because the nightmarish reality is too much to bear and I was trying to protect my family and my mind from the truth. There’s none so gullible as those who want to believe the lies.
Now, 4 years later I’ve found myself and my self respect again. I’ve healed my heart my own way but there’s a scar which I wear like armour. The pending divorce is just a piece of paper -however, in his opinion I’m turning our lives upside down and I’m the one destroying the marriage.
He managed that with his double life and lies. I’ve forgiven him because it’s easier on me and I do believe he loved me deeply for years, albeit only as deeply as he was able. Just not enough to communicate his feelings or actually risk getting a divorce/losing face /assets by discussing personal issues.
When he fell out of love, he gave himself permission to despise me and disrespect me.
“Don’t ever let me treat you like that again!’
Well, don’t worry … I won’t!
I remember when he broke it off with AP to reconcile with me. He was crying and said “maybe we’ll see each other again someday. Maybe on the other side” to which I said “I’m so sorry. Breakups are painful but you will get through this.”
WTF?? It was surreal that I was coaching him through it.
yeah, I did that too. Four days after our divorce was finalized, he sent me an email saying he had made a mistake, his life was in chaos and pure hell during our year-long separation. He left out the part about his engagement to his girlfriend during our separation (thought I didn’t know about her). And what did I do??? I emailed back saying how sorry I was to hear that and buckup, Buttercup, talk to your therapist to right yourself and it will all be okay, Pat, pat, here’s a cookie. Ugh!! Wish I could take that email back. Still makes me want to vomit. Why did I do that??
“WTF?? It was surreal that I was coaching him through it.
”
I think that when we do these things it is because we have been gradually broken down and are just confused and scared. It isn’t until our heads clear, and we regain our courage that we look back and say, wth?
I think I was in complete shock, and also pick me dancing my ass off. I would’ve said anything at that point to keep him with me. Now I look back and cringe so hard.
Same here. And it is humiliating to think back on.
He moved out and told me he needed space and he thought things would work out, but he needed to get his head on straight. (what he was actually doing was getting out the door without any drama, and giving me hope so I would keep it quiet for about a week. Then he came back and finished off the discard telling me he and the girl he had been “dating” (such a pretty word for adultery) were in love and wanted to get married. Also this “girl” was a 35 year old town slut with three big assed boys who belonged to different men.
I sat there in shock and let him spill his bile on me. I should have kicked his ass out, and had the locks changed immediately. But, it took me a few more weeks to get my own head clear.
Fucking someone else cannot possibly be “an accident”!
No, it just “happened.”
In the words of Eminem’s song Guilty Conscience:
Wait, what if there’s an explanation for this shit?
What, she tripped, fell, landed on his dick?
This!
Parenting your own children is not helping me.
☝☝☝ this!
In fact, *helping* to parent her own children, as all of the heavy lifting (feed, bath, take to school, pick up from school, homework, taking the younger to therapy, play sports with them) was left for me to do during the last 4 years of the marriage (I now wonder what was going on by then).
In fact, just *pretending* to cover some of their expenses. I say pretending because at one point I had to spend all my savings at the time (the equivalent of 5.5k US dollars) in past due school tuitions and when I discovered the affair some time later I also discovered (along with a massive, unexplainable personal debt of hers up to almost US$40k) past due school tuitions of both kids piling up to US$ 6k again. I had to run debt myself to pay 2.5k immediately in order to get the kids enrolled in a school the following year (or else the previous school could hold their records – it’s against the law but they do create difficulties) and to renegotiate the remaining delinquent debts (she didn’t move a finger in this direction and wanted me to “just take a loan” to pay the full ammount; she *says* she is paying the remaining debt now).
Never a SAHD here, two jobs at two (or three, depending on what you consider a job) different moments just to make the ends meet. In one (or two) of these moments I was simultaneously barely trying to function as PhD candidate in a strenuous subject.
Fun fact: during the most of these 4 years (except for my 2 job stretch) she outearned me and was never shy of rubbing it in my face, specially around friends and family.
Also funny how I had to take a break at noon almost every day of my busy week to take the younger, autistic kid to school, since she oftenly would come back home with him when she tried (“he didn’t want to stay”). It is happening again in her days with the kids.
She worked “soooo much” (24h per week plus some night shifts – by her choice; again, I wonder what was going on by then) “just to provide *the best* (an elite school for the eldest) for *her* children”. I fell hard for the guilt trip and upped my game.
Now I realize my life was a living hell.
By our settlement I am now the sole financial responsible for my kids school and health insurance (she is bound to pay only half of the extracurriculars and therapy and to feed and shelter them during her half-weeks with them). Never again a bill was past due. I don’t have surplus but I no longer need to incur in debt just to make ends meet. That. With. Just. One. Income. The lesser of them.
I can’t wrap my mind around just what in her lifestyle (affair included) was so expensive to have generated tons of debts. She says it was the eldest kid’s school but, again, she was just pretending to pay for it and the problem was from before this school (it was always there). I really don’t know what she did with her money and I am affraid to discover. During our marriage we were always struggling with money just to make for the bills even with both of us working in well-paid jobs. It’s just unbelievable. I’m better off now.
Brazilian Chump,
Isn’t it crazy about the money? When XFW and I were married, he made close to $100,000 USD per year. Yet, we had none in savings.
He spent paychecks before he got them, paid off one credit card with another and resorted to all kinds of Creative Accounting practices.
After I left he cut me off completely. I was homeless and living on the support of my family and friends. STILL I managed to save money. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than we ever had when we were married.
Who knows where it all went? I’ll never get it back, so I don’t want to know.
Yes, BtLh, the money thing is plain crazy. I am 2 years out now and couldn’t come yet with a satisfying explanation for all that shit. Asking will not do the trick. Only more lies and “I was not myself, I was crazy, I don’t know how I let things go so awry”. I still didn’t manage to save any money for myself. Still juggling with the financial fallout from the divorce and the kids expenses, which are all mine. Two months ago she complied with paying monthly for one kid’s school tuition, but we still have to work out the legal aspects of this arrangement, since our settlement doesn’t make provision for this and I don’t want trouble down the line. Still… her debt to banks and loan companies didn’t change over the last two years I’ve been cutting her some slack. And she too pays off one credit card with another, I thing it is some kind of standard disordered people’s move. They never change. We chumps are never the problem in these situations, the problem is always the disordered person. We need to get away to realize this from a safe distance, cut our losses, lick our wounds and count our blessings. Hope you are enjoying your new, cheater-free life and I am really sorry for all you’ve been through, but it’s over now. It is well worth all the heartbreak and all the struggle, isn’t it?
This!
And this!
How can you sleep with a girl 5 years older than our 16 yr old.
Ugh!!!
This. How do you get off the phone with your child, after helping them with their life problems because they’re so young and naive and still could use a lot of guidance from you….and then place your next call to someone the same age, who is your girlfriend. There’s something really sick about that.
Totally ???????????????? agree. Vile.
Can you just try and lie well one time?
In response to the fact that ‘I knew’ and therefore ‘was okay with it’ because he mentioned their names in casual conversation “Was I to assume you were sleeping with all the woman you mentioned in conversation?” and “I can’t read your mind.”
Looking back, yes! It was his attempt at transparency!! Haha. As if!
OMG I got this one too! Turns out yes, he WAS trying to sleep with literally every woman he mentioned.
You cannot ask your student to send you nude pics – even if she is an adult.
I cannot pay all of the bills, plus the mortgage. You buying groceries once in a while does not count. You eat.
You can’t go out for coffee and dinner with your student.
Seeing your student outside of the University is plain wrong and against U ‘s policy
You could have kill our unborn babies – by sleeping with a hooker & me while I was pregnant
Yes, you can contract STD from oral and pass it to me
No, hookers we’re not “ clean” as you claim- they could be carriers of an HIV
Etc.
Yeah, Uni cheaters. We need a nickname like Sinister Minister. It’s pretty common practice for profs and grad students I’ve noticed though weird… and boundary defying.
Doktorficker, maybe, as opposed to Doktorväter?
Just an idea ????
I got that from my bf who lived with me for two months after surgery and thought a couple hundred bucks was enough to cover his share of groceries( try about 4x that and I make half his income) As soon as I placed a boundary he cut and ran. The trash took itself out.
Student!?! Hash tag bad character. Nooooo
“I had affairs to save our marriage”
Spoiler alert, they did not save our marriage and five years down the track, he purports to regrets of the loss of our friendship. He still hasn’t worked out that friends don’t lie and cheat.
I asked my husband, “how much did you pay to have sex with that man?” he responded, which one? Jesus Christ, why am I still here!?!
Kathy,
Do you know why you are still there?
If not, you’ll likely be there awhile longer.
I was still “in” for many years even though I lived separately. I know why I was at first, but later I just let it be. Now that we are no contact for about 4 months, I can see why I needed to be gone.
You will too.
Thank you, I hope it comes soon! 65 years old, 39 year marriage, and he has been fucking me over for, at least, the last decade. We live as roommates, but I know I need to leave, go contact..it should not be this hard
I hope you get out soon.
If you are living like room mates, heck dump him and get an actual room mate. Share half the expenses with none of the pain.
Kathy, My mom (67) her marriage broke up when her husband thought he found his fucksoul-mate in a younger woman who used him for $$ & then cut & ran. He wanted my mom back after but she’s enjoying her life too much now & she never thought she would survive without him. Food for thought ????
Kathy, you need to protect yourself financially first, without letting him know you’re doing it.
Get a lawyer, again without telling him. And get appropriate financial audits and statements.
You have almost certainly been financially abused, as well as sexually. Your husband has been living a complicated double life, and there may be credit cards and loans you know nothing about.
Family. You still have an awesome family. You always will have an awesome family.
But when there’s family fallout from what sounds like a very necessary divorce, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.
The person to blame is your (hopefully) soon to be ex-husband. He blew up your family, not you.
I’m so sorry you married such a liar, but they don’t change. You’re worth more than this.
Kathy,
Get away from that clown! Please see yesterday’s CL.
Out of curiosity, why are you still there?
I ask myself that all the time..I leave, I come back, it’s been going on for over a year since 2nd D-Day. 65 years old, with 2 amazing adult sons, daughters-in-law and 2 granddaughters under 3 who love nothing better than spending time with family. So, we’ve had fake xmas, fake BD celebrations because I know when I tell them things will never be the same. Everyday, I tell myself this is it, I have to tell them, they would never want me to live this way, but, then I don’t. I am so tired..
Kathy, a previous mother-in-law kicked her husband out when she was 60. EIGHT kids, all grown, multiple grandchildren etc. She was so worried they’d be super upset.
She announced this to her kids at a family celebration (husband was supposedly out of town ‘for work’), and they all started clapping and cheering and hugging her and say ‘finally!’.
You might be surprised.
Kathy, I’m in my sixties and walked out. 7 months later, my life is better than it has ever been. My relationships with my adult children and their partners is thriving. I’m here to tell you you’ve spent your time in hell and deserve the best that life has to offer. I promise life on the other side is remarkable.
I’ll be 65 later this year. With 2 amazing adult sons, daughters-in-law, and two grandsons under 2. Would have been married 40 years this year. But after discovering his secret life of schmoopies (unsure of the total) and coming out of the fog and realizing he was actually quite abusive to me and our kids, I divorced my lying, cheating dumbass ex 14 years ago. It wasn’t easy, but OMG it is sooooo wonderful being in charge of your own life! No one else trying to control everything. No subjugating yourself attempting to please a jerk. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with my idiot ex. And I’m sure not wiping his abusive ass in old age! I feel so much healthier and more alive without all the stress. Stress really takes a toll. It’s scary at first but geez it is FANTASTIC! And even though I tried wreckonciliation a few times to try and keep our family together, it was my sons (16 and 12 at the time) who told me to quit. Kids know more than we think. So, things for me aren’t the same anymore – but everything is much better on my own!
I highly recommend taking back your life. After caring for everyone else all these years – you’re 65 – put yourself first!
It must be daunting to think of pulling the plug in your sixties. But I think it will be rejuvenating, freeing yourself of an abusive albatross.
????
I pulled the plug the year I turned 60.
It was hard, but worth it.
I lost a lot.
I gained even more.
I am so glad I somehow found the strength to cut him loose.
I hope you find the strength, too.
I was 40 at the time we got legally separated.
I was scared, working a minimum wage job. I wasn’t really worried about knowing how to pay bills, I mean you just pay them. What I was worried about was having enough to pay the bills.
What I figured out quick was, with him out of the picture, I had a lot of control over what bills I had. For about two years I wouldn’t spend an extra dime that I didn’t have to. I was so scared of running short. But, then it became clear the when you are in total control of your finances you have a lot more than you think you do, and you have the say in how to spend any extra you have. I chose to save it.
I also figured out that while I was scrimping and saving so he could have the money he needed for his fun; I was learning to manage money very well. I had already learned a lot as a kid, but once I was on my own, it just all came together.
Yes, don’t give your entire life to this person, Kathy. You could have another few decades ahead of you. You didn’t do this to your family.
Get out Kathy. Run like your pants are on fire. And with your asshat they just might be.
You can’t be married and continue to date. It doesn’t work like that.
[SMH]
Unless all parties concerned have agreed to polyamory. And it sure doesn’t sound like you did.
Same! I’ve said that to him so many times and various versions of it. “How can you think it’s ok to date while you were married to me?” “Dating other people is not ok when you’re married!” How the fuck is that so hard to understand? It’s the basic tenant of marriage. It’s the whole idea!
This. Exactly.
I just remembered this one.
I didn’t speak it out loud but I thought it to myself. Him “I have been dating for ten years”
Me in my head, “if you are married it is adultery”
I honestly didn’t say much in real time, I was too crushed and I just kind of went silent.
Yes! Why does this shit even need to be said! This is a human truth
Ex: I have a girlfriend
Me: But you are married to me
Yea…this was similar to our bizarre conversation:
Cheater : “If I were single, she would be a great catch”
Me : “but you are not single”
Cheater: “…oh yea…” (like he forgot)
Lying by omission is still a lie.
Yes I got this one
“A lie of omission is still a lie.” I said this to the man-child I was married to so many times, even years before I suspected he was screwing around.
Yes! That’s part of the “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you” performance.
It’s absolutely a lie.
XW- “I never lied to you!”
Chump- “No, you mean didn’t lie about everything. That is not the same.”
XW- “This is why we can’t be married. You just turn everything around onto me!”
Oh my gosh ????
Yup! I’ve said this to him so many times when he claims that he “never lied”. Not telling me you’re fucking strippers is still living a lie.
A lie of omission is a lie, but with a side order of cowardly spinelessness.
So true. They think they’re somehow better than overt liars but they’re just cowards.
ExACTly. Well said, CJMB
absolutely…my ex was a champion.
Your on hospice! How can you believe your nurse wants a long term relationship with you!
Because the nurse might be willing to commit till death do us part…?
Now that’s funny!
When FW was bragging that OW was OBVIOUSLY better than me because she “went to Penn and that’s an Ivy League school,” I had to remind him:
“Why are you bragging? YOU didn’t go to an Ivy League school.” ???? that dope
Knave-Man is Ivy League, as am I, and most of his APs were also Ivy League.
Of course it means nothing where character is concerned, except that Knave-man is evidently pompous enough to prefer Ivy League kibbles, an ad hominem he spewed in defense when caught.
Veritas, indeed.
This comment just made my day.
I just found it funny that FW was throwing it in my face that AP went to Penn and “it’s Ivy League”… meanwhile he went to Purdue (= not Ivy League).
I don’t personally measure anyone’s worth by their education… nor do I define my own worth with by it. So FW can go suck it ????
Exactly. The Penn purloiner and the Harvard ho can have them! ????????
I had a single phone conversation with OW. Cheater said that OW struggled to understand what I said because I used complex words. OW graduated from the University of Washington.
Guess she didn’t know what “Ho”
Meant !!! ????????????
Ivy League idiot devoid of morals!
Oh she’s a real piece of work. “Ivy League” AP was still married but separated. She only knew FW for a few months (co-workers) and has 2 kids… and she moved FW right into her house.
Here’s another one…. because AP was still married, the attorneys determined that our 9 year old son couldn’t stay the night there until AP was legally divorced. AP sat on it for almost 2 years before getting a divorce. She still wasn’t divorced when FW and I finalized our divorce!
So FW kept getting hotel rooms every other weekend for nearly 2 years because he didn’t want an apartment. And he’d scream at me “it’s because of YOU that our son can’t spend the night with me at her house!!”
I can’t believe I had to say “Um no. Your girlfriend is still married. Your own attorney agrees that’s not ok. Helloooooo … you’re yelling at the wrong person”
Oh my! It’s was all your fault! Again!
Isn’t it always my fault? ????
Cheater Ex probably thinks global warming is my fault, and maybe Covid too……
When he (39) told me he has soooo much in common with his 19 year old affair partner, I responded what, middle school math? As his kids were a couple years younger then her and we were helping with their homework. Lol.
Jesus fucking Christ. Maybe 39 was his IQ?
OMG. What the hecking heck.
You screwed him, in the woods, in January, in Ohio?
Also:
He’s not a stranger, but you don’t know where he lives?
“…in the woods, in January, in Ohio?” ???? That…made me laugh.
“No, the kids’ college fund and our 401K was NOT intended to support your stripper addiction! And no, it was not money spent in furtherance of the community just because it made you happier. And I think we can skip further discussions about retaining [your affair partner] as the kids’ nanny.”
“So let me get this straight…you promised your coworker a $40,000 engagement ring even though your teenage children have no college fund?”
“I was only joking with her”
“Really? How many other coworkers did you joke about marriage jewelry with?”
(OW had a $39,000 ring from her fiancé that she could have to give up if she went with Cheater, so apparently he had promised to go one better. Thing is, he forgot about 3 kids and a suburban colonial house with 2 mortgages)
First long-term affair (that I know of):
Please ask your girlfriend to stop calling my office.
Second one he married while I was at work one day and we were still (I thought happily) married:
Did you get on your knees to propose?
Wait. He’s a bigamist!?
It wasn’t a real ceremony, just some bullshit he cooked up so SHE wouldn’t cheat on HIM. They did exchange rings and vows in front of her family and friends. Oh, the irony! Everyone in attendance that day knew he was married, and most of them had met me. There are a lot of shitty people in the world.
The OW was the one to tell me about it after he dumped her post DDay.
The monster actually tried to defend himself: “at least we didn’t go to the Justice of the Peace”.
Yeah, because THAT would have been bigamy and against the law.
I really wish that they had tried to get a license; would have saved me years of abuse if he’d been arrested and I found out why.
In case I didn’t make it clear: I was totally in the dark about his relationship with our neighbor.
I worked a demanding job because he unilaterally decided that he would retire at 50 but I would need to continue to work. We needed the health insurance and income so he could fritter away over $60K on “wifey number two” (his words).
Meanwhile wifey number one (?) kept up the house and yard and did all the cooking and laundry. Because he was “retired”.
I want those 10 years back!!!!
Klootzak tried to do the same; wanted to retire at 46 and I was supposed to keep working because his military pension was not going to be enough to pay the bills. I told him no, he needed to find work and he whined and cried to his father that I was “forcing” him to work. The majority of his military career was spent at a desk. He did a total of two deployments and never faced the danger those sent to Iraq and Afghanistan did. But he tried to claim he has PTSD because he said if he could get 100% disability, THEN he would not have to work. I guess he needs more free time to chase around!
Those years are the kicker for me too.
I remember even back then when it hit thinking; I want to rewind back ten years; I would be thirty and yes I would have a ten year old son, but I would have made different decisions had I know I was married to a cheater and liar.
Even if I had decided to stay in the marriage, I would have doubled up on college classes, and gone to work full time much sooner.
I was luckier than many as I got out at age 40; but it still is the thought of those years loving a lying cheat. How he must have reveled in that.
They steal years of our life from us.
“They steal years of our life from us”.
Yes, they do. They steal time, oportunity, energy, health, money and our innocence. They come only to steal, kill and destroy.
He said, “I can’t believe I have 2 beautiful women fighting over me.”
I said , “I am your WIFE, I’m not fighting anyone.”
WTF?
That, right there, is CAKE!
Got something along these lines, as the wreckonciliation failed (due to her continuing cheating – thank God): “you didn’t fight for me”. I told her that as her loyal husband of 20 years I was not going to wrestle in the mud for her amusement with the pig she chose to replace me (after knowing him for what? 2 years tops?) and that she should be happy with the choice she made. Few months later he kicked her sorry ass to the curb.
Just today (few hours ago) she called “the kids” crying and asked to talk to me. Just to say that she was “thinking of us (me and her)”. I told her to think of another thing, since there’s no more “us”. FW has a new boyfriend now, but old habits (cheating) die hard. “Holy hoover attempt, batman!”, as Tracy says. ????
Hope that wiped the smile off his face.
They are cookie cutter dimwits. Shallow, selfish, charming, immoral, dishonest trash. Kick to the curb.
Some delusional kibble dreams
We ended up in financial dire straights due to FW affair with a customer employee at work. I uncovered the affair.
Now, when our daughter was younger, like 20 years ago, she had to get braces. FW would joke with her that she was wearing his new car engine on her teeth. Then he’d occasionally say smile so I can see my engine. It was all in fun and she’d even make a reving engine sound and laugh while doing it.
Jump ahead 20 years, FW has an affair, financial dire straights hit due to affair fall out.
We are still in same house, that’s as far as it goes. One night he has the dumbassery dumbness to ask…..so how much do you think I could possible spend on a second car? I said you mean a “project fun car”? Yeah, FW replies. I laughed so hard I snorted. Then I said remember when you’d ask our daughter to see your motor and she’d laugh and show you her braces, he smiles wistfully and says yeah. I said well why don’t you get ahold of your AP and ask for a picture of her p^$$y and you can stare at your car all day any day. He stopped looking wistful and smiling.
One more month and I’ll be able to file for divorce. Cha-ching alimony.
????????????
????????????
Outstanding!!!
My mom is also quick on the trigger and I have some fond memories of her timely, hilarious retorts to my cheating father.
Thank You Chumpoutahere for the laugh!
I was having one of those bad days being that I am in the discovery phase of divorce. I was blindsided in July by who I thought was a loving wife of 18 years.
CL, CN and this blog helps so much on these tough days.
Stay strong, my friend, you’ll get to the other side of this. This is hard and hurts like hell, but it’s survivable. You’ve come to the right place. Rooting for you!
Keep moving forward. Trust your heart. Fight for what’s right & focus on healing.
Tuesday will come little by little.
One day you will be so proud of yourself and thrive!
I’ve been where you are. I’m here now.
It’s awesome(but hard work)
I wish I had found this site when I was 6 or 8 months in. It’s raw now, but hang in there. Tuesday does come.
that is outstandingly brilliant. I actually am very impressed. Usually these kinds of dead-on, not-just-swearing-nastiness remarks evade me until hours later when I’m furiously raging about the conversation. You win today.
Congratulations! You came up with the best retort at the right time!
(don’t you hate when you think of it too late?)
HAHAHA!
I’m stealing this for when FW bitches to me about our settlement!
Wow! Good for you to be able to come up with that quip for a quim!
Brilliant. I wish I could have seen his decrepit face when you said that. Best wishes to you.
When 20 year prostitute habit was revealed.
One of the crazy responses was, but I didn’t even know there names. WTF
I got “but the girls were clean” in reference to the $50 Craig’s List whores Ex screwed in our house.
$50???? Huh.
Ong the “ clean “ comment????
While I was fighting constant vaginal infections ( while living healthy lifestyle, taking care of my body, and trying to figure out wTF is happening with my lady parts) which ( I know now) were caused by my h’s soft spot for hookers, women, trans etc.
my h said to me “ but they were clean”
It left me speechless.
My h has two masters and a PhD- yet, he was too stupid to know how you contract STD’s or how you spread it
Mic drop
You can’t make up this shit
Of all the heinous betrayals and boundary violations cheaters do, bringing their whores and AP’s into our homes is the all time LOWEST and speaks volumes about their “character”. The fact that Whore was in my matrimonial mattress…
There’s a special place in hell for both of them.
Lol if by whores you mean sex workers- they don’t owe you anything. Most of the time they don’t even know about your existence, let alone have any friendship, relations or even acquaintance with you. It’s not their job to protect your marriage. Not only that but they wouldn’t have even known about your husband’s existence either if he hadn’t went out of his way to find them, contact them and request to see them in exchange for providing a fee. It seems you have yet to even comprehend that your husbands was the one that fully initiated the betrayal not the third party who doesn’t even know you.
good grief not another know it all.
Perma Ignore
“There’s a special place in hell for both of them”. Amen!
FW tried to push the matrimonial mattress on me when we were splitting furniture. Funny thing she would keep anything of value, except what she didn’t like, but the mattress she wanted me to have it. The same mattress over which both our sons were conceived, that she defiled with her AP. It must have been a power trip for her, and pushing the mattress on me was part of it. I told her to burn it.
All my new home mattresses and furniture (everything someone could possibly fuck on or inside of) are brand new. Only furniture from my office was taken back, but I want to believe that she couldn’t fuck over my desk or inside my bookshelfs. ????
Oh and I kind of screwed myself over on the wood stove, because the electric heat was inadequate and I had to spend another winter in that house. So I wore warm clothes, pumped the baseboard heat up to high, and used safe area heaters at night. He had to pay the electric bills so no biggie.
I did keep the doors under the sinks open and the sink running on the really bad nights, so he didn’t have to pay for fixing pipes, but mostly so I didn’t have to deal with the mess of frozen pipes.
I thought our D would take six month, but due to him dragging his feet the last six months it took a year.
Fw bought a really nice top of the line, water bed for us about two years before he left. Had drawers, shelves the whole shabang. (it was the late 80s)
Per our legal separation I got all the furniture except his office stuff. I sold the water bed for three hundred dollars. Pissed him off royally.
I also sold that fucking wood stove, so he had to either replace it, or get more heating elements in the house. I am betting he had to put a furnace back in the house when he tried to sell it. But he moved his mother in there at first, so she probably paid for it.
I am sure he used that waterbed for him and his main whore, and any other one that would come by while I was visiting my dad out of state.
I also felt that extra twist of the knife when my safety zone was violated by his twisted desire to bring APs into our marital bed.
I was annihilated when he told me that he had sex throughout our home, including every bed and every soft surface.
I felt as if there was no safe place in my own home.
I can’t fathom the level of disrespect that entails, to destroy the sanctuary of your loving partner for a cheap thrill on top of the cheap thrill of cheating in the first place.
I carried a much larger work and financial burden in the marriage, even though he was retired and had more income.
It was always lopsided, like anyone here knows. Looking back, I bet most of you will realize that the entitlement was already showing but you were too happy and eager to do everything in your power to make the fuckwit’s life better.
You didn’t see the sacrifices you had to make for them, your love goggles made you blind to the lack of reciprocity.
You gave, they took. It felt normal and right. You took abuse and never labeled it such. Looking back I now have clarity, but in the middle of all that was happening behind my back – I thought I was happy.
I thought I was happy but still crying every night *for no reason* and occasionally self-harming as any “happy” person does. My body knew what my mind refused to believe: that I was being abused emotionally, verbally and physically and he was cheating again. I totally ignored it. I could blame it on disassociation, but for decades? I did play a part in this in the sense that I was willing to settle for so little in exchange for giving so much.
We are all worth so much more than that.
I feel your words so much!
Wrote something like that on another post just yesterday.
It’s been good at least to not feel alone in our predicament by knowing other people felt and feel the same way. Alas, too many people.
Ong the “ clean “ comment????
While I was fighting constant vaginal infections ( while living healthy lifestyle, taking care of my body, and trying to figure out wTF is happening with my lady parts) which ( I know now) were caused by my h’s soft spot for hookers, women, trans etc.
my h said to me “ but they were clean”
It left me speechless.
My h has two masters and a PhD- yet, he was too stupid to know how you contract STD’s or how you spread it
Mic drop
Yep! This was me, constant infections. There was a time where I was in horrible pain probably every other month and kept pissing blood. I’d get a UTI and it would get serious immediately. Went to doctors, couldn’t figure out what was happening, felt dirty and disgusting. It went on a couple of years. And then it was my fault we couldn’t have as much sex because of “my issues.” I went crazy about hygiene, only wore cotton underwear, no thongs, cornstarch so I wouldn’t get as damp from sweat while exercising, all things he disliked and mocked me for.
He was having sex with peoples’ assholes and then with me. I know that now. He was the dirty one, he was knowingly harming me and then insulting me and mocking me while I tried to deal with the harm he caused. It broke me. I cried in doctors offices. It blows my mind that so many people don’t recognize that as abuse.
I think they get off on that. Knowing that they are ‘dirty’ and having sex with their spouse. It is both a turn on for them and a big FU in their head to us. It’s disgusting and frightening at the same time.
Dear Katie,
your (I hope ex-)partner is a pig.
So sorry you’ve been so abused and humiliated by this sorry excuse for a pig. What he did to you was heinous. The utter disregard for our health that these fuckwits show verges on the criminal. They don’t care if they kill us, as long as they got their swinely jollies.
My heart goes out for you. (((Hughs)))
In my book that is physical assault
In my book it’s invalid consent. Consent by deception.
Rape by fraud, as Joyce Short calls it.
Uh ???? My best friend is having unexplained bouts of bacterial vaginosis. I think her husband is cheating on her.
That’s what I got, I had no idea what was going on. And then UTIs. Again, very worrisome. And then….. herpes and HPV at the same time. Tell her.
Infuriating.
I am pretty sure he and his whores were into anal. The reason I think so is I was pretty available when he wanted to try new positions, new locations etc; but one night he asked about anal (this was about a year before Dday). I said no, I was uncomfortable with that. Well by then unknown to me, he had been fucking strange for years. I imagine whore let him do anal, and he wanted to feel it with me.
I was clean about myself too. And though I was fine with oral, I always wanted him and me to be freshly showered. And then when it hit the fan I was disgusted knowing what I had been an unwitting partner of.
Whores aren’t into anal, if by “whores” you mean female sex workers, probably less than 5% allow anal with clients. Female sex workers aren’t into anal any more than the rest of the female population is. Plus not only is it risky but it requires a quite a bit of extra of preparation to be done properly, so the few who do do it charge quite a lot extra for it.
Your husband was cheating on you with men/transwomen- he just used hookers as an excuse because he probably thought it’d sound more palatable.
No he wasn’t using propitiates. Just town whores. He married the exit whore.
I can also say with certainty that there were no dudes involved. Lol.
I really don’t know what he and his whores did, I just know he ask me and I said no. And quite honestly it didn’t seem to bother him that I said no. But interesting information.
I don’t really know what other women like or don’t like.
“I was disgusted knowing what I had been an unwitting partner of”.
☝☝☝ OMG, this!
They unilaterally decide to make us partners (by transitivity, but in a very concrete sense of germs and viruses and fluids, for god’s sake) of strangers, and very filthy strangers at that. This boggles my mind everytime I think about it and revulses my stomach. ????????
That is disgusting…I am so sorry.
Happened to me too, kept getting UTIs, haven’t had one since D day.
This is so much like my story; feeling sick and dirty and ashamed because a fuckwit was evil enough to engage in risky sex with strangers and come home WITHOUT WASHING to have sex with their unwitting partner. They’re filth.
You deserved so much more than that; we all did.
What?! He brought them IN YOUR HOUSE?
There is a special place for him.
He drove around town at 5 in the morning, to find me while I was on my walk, to tell me his affair partner was now upset with him as he is crying his eyes out. My response “Are you seriously wanting me to comfort you about this?”
Yeah, mine told me that his therapist (I insisted on counseling after the first of what would be many DDays spread out over decades) told him that HE needed support from ME because he was made to break up with his girlfriend at the time.
Wow, I actually paid for that crap advice!
Of course it’s possible that was a lie; he never would tell the truth if it meant any consequences for him.
Our RIC counselor said that I needed to understand if he had the sadz over breaking up with his AP. WTH? Which one? He had over 50 that I could count based on the info in his burner phone. Which one was he going to be sad about leaving? I didn’t even bother asking.
Klootzak never pretended to be sad about losing anyone. How could he? I’m certain he never dropped contact with the ones he wanted to keep on.
I am beginning to see that these effin cheaters seem to all be about five heats old emotionally. They can’t think, decide, do, evaluate, choose, anything adult.
Five “years” old…
“Heat” kinda works here. Just animals in heat.
You can’t cheat on me and shatter my heart, and then expect me to comfort your sadness that things aren’t the way they to be.
This is something that narcs and borderlines expect you to do. It’s all about them all the time.
Yep. STBX once woke me up out of a sound sleep, during the time I knew he was cheating and he refused to stop it, to get me to comfort him because Schmoopie sent him a message that was ambiguous, and he was terrified his relationship with her (his friend’s 11-year girlfriend) was about to be exposed, and that all his friend’s friends were going to call him out.
I was like, are you serious right now? I hope that IS what’s happening! Good! But then he revealed oh by the way, Schmoopie’s partner is actually a convicted felon with a reputation for violence. Great, thanks for bringing THAT into the family’s life. So then I did start to think about well what should we do here.
Then, randomly, Schmoopie messaged him that she would never jeopardize their twu wuv by letting something like that happen to him, and I was once again discarded, the lovebirds made up their misunderstanding.
Your husband cheated on you or tried to cheat on you with an 11 year old???
In response to his, “I hope we can be friends”
“I am particular about who my friends are”
I still can’t believe he even ask that after the horror he had just put me through.
I got this too. And also “We are still family-we will always be family!”
Like the Manson family?!?
Their idiocy has no f’in bounds.
“Like the Manson Family?”
LOL
I think that “we will always be family” shit is new age bullshit pushed on TV and movies.
I lost contact with my mother in law who meant a lot to me because of his lying cheating ass. They don’t care who they screw over.
And yes they would love it if we swallowed the shit sandwiches lived with constant pain; just to make them feel better.
Ya my x basically gaslight and stonewalled me (major flat shark eyes while he refused to leave the house and basically emotionally abused my teen children and I while I worked my ass off to get out of the situation). He made a comment that we will always be family and I replied “nope, family has your back and now this is a family of 3” (he responded with shark eyes). He used to be an amazing Dad but now he acts like he was a sperm donor. My kids know I will always be there for them and that’s not the case with Dad (me for the win).
Oh my! There are bunches of them:
1. Really everyone sends pictures of their private parts to their friends? Wow, I must not have any good friends.
2. What, friends give each other underwear? Wow, I never got underwear or gave underwear to my friends
3. You have to masturbate? Well, I guess at least you are having sex with someone you love.
4. Ok, let me get this right? You have to support her and her kids from our money? And you did not think this would piss me off?
5. The words “ run it through the attorneys” is not being uncooperative, it means that I am not engaging with you.
I am sure there are more but I know I will see them from others here because they pretty much have a script. Yep, he was supporting a Schmoopie with two kids who is 32 years younger than him. He also thought I would not be upset because she really needed the money. What a Fuck Wit!
Number 3 is so true!
Sorry but this was funny. Gallows humor though…
LMAO. #3 is golden.
In regards to his 20-something schmoopie in our kids Catholic high school that was our 14 year old daughters sports coach ‘she’s innocent in all this’.
“She’s innocent in all this.” Yes, I got that too. Even with all of his lies and subterfuge, I figured out who she was and found her on social media, so I guess he thought I might try to connect with her somehow and call her out? Ugh, hardly. She was an adult (even though she was 30 years younger than him) making adult choices, but my guess is that he won’t be her last fling. Consequences will catch up to her eventually.
Mine found his AP because I, an introvert, finally made a friend over several years at kids’ sports. One day when they each couldn’t be at a game, I gave a play by play over group text.
He used that to contact her independently, solicit pics and eventually transition to a secret messaging app and hotel dates. His later excuse was the substance abuse problem he developed after losing his job when the pandemic started, and which he managed to conceal for over a year (along with the affair). Even in rehab he failed to disclose it until her husband told me months after he found out… and after my STBX had me on the path to reconciliation.
But nah, I’m petty if I’m *also* pissed at her because she “didn’t solicit it.” WTF? She didn’t hesitate tho…
When they defend the AP you should know where you stand in the equation. I didn’t learn that lesson the first time, or even the 2nd or 3rd. But I “get it” now.
They don’t always defend the OW. My FW tried to throw her under the bus with
“She was aggressive towards me”
Poor baby.
I got that, too. ‘Don’t blame her! If you want blame someone, blame me!’
I’d seen her texts, though. They were hunting each other big time. So, I’ll put the blame where it belongs! He wanted her to look like an innocent flower ???? Nope! I know what you both are- selfish punks.
“Don’t blame her, blame me”.
Yep, I got that too.
I replied. “I blame you both.”
I’m still shaking my head at “you act like you don’t trust me” a few weeks after discovery day.
I got that too! My ex even said “It hurts me that you think I would betray you” after I’ve found her secret texts. Like wtf is even going on in her head? She’s already betrayed me but my reaction to it is the problem?
Because we don’t trust them. That’s the natural consequence of being dishonest. It’s like that part of their brain never developed. We are reacting rationally. They are are in some altered universe of non logic. I wish their heads would implode.
My favorite FW expression at that time was
“You can’t put my dick in your purse”
I was so shocked that he would say that to HIS WIFE
(What a ridiculous conversation, I can’t believe that I am part of this, I thought to myself…)
I couldn’t EVEN respond to that.
Run
The truth was that he cheated on his first wife and broke that family too
Wish I knew he was a serial before I married him
He’s now getting married for the 3rd time //#no-introspection.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!!
LIS
No introspection! Lol. Isn’t it NUTS how cheater fuck faces just love to be in “committed relationships”?
Xhole lives in big house (he said ours was too much maintenance) with his Mistress (we are still legally married) and her two teen daughters (we have two teen daughters as well).
It’s like changing pants for this arse as he now has the same tax write offs with them.
Just sickening.
I also got that during the (not surprisingly unsuccessful) marriage police phase. Must be a line straight out of The Handbook.
In response to how “nice” and “Christian” the OW is…..
“NICE, Christian ladies don’t FUCK other women’s husbands!”
Their texts referred to me as his “ex-wife”. That was 3 years ago.
We would be married 30 years this summer. Served him early last year & he has been dragging his feet. He’s on his second attorney now. Lots & lots of other AP’s it turns out. I’m sure what I know now is just the tip of the iceberg.
Oh, and for the record….I’M A VERY NICE, CHRISTIAN LADY.
Oh don’t get me started on the “nice Christian” thing.
He was a “good Christian” as was his exw that he cheated on for years. She finally divorced him (only because adultery is the only acceptable) biblical reason. He insisted it wasn’t because of his cheating. Yes, that was a huge red flag that I ignored because I had never been love-bombed, or even loved, by my EXH.
As I wasn’t a “good Christian woman” I dumped his ass immediately, as I had no pressure to reconcile.
Now he’s with a “good Christian woman” “like his wife”. Which means she is more likely to accept his cheating, as reconciling is the Christian way. (Sorry to call you out like that, but Christianity is not fair in relationships).
I’ve thought a lot about the Christian forgiveness thing. And I’ve decided we generally misapply the forgiveness, forgetting that it is supposed to be preceded by repentance. Not a thing for most of our situations. Instead I’m going with the “don’t cast your pearls before swine” verse. My ex was definitely swine and he gets no more pearls from me.
People who are actually nice get a bit piqued if called such because genuinely nice people fear being perceived as pushovers. It’s dangerous. They’ll always point out to you times or ways they showed some gumption, shot back or caught a snake in action.
In contrast, snakes and predators hanker to be called “nice” and constantly self label as “nice” because “nice” to them is so inaccessible and exotic.
That’s an interesting comment. My mom, who is indeed quite nice and wonderful, is always being called “nice” by her coworkers and she assumes they do it because they think she is a pushover. And she may be right. They do seem to try taking advantage of her. She keeps trying to come up with witty retorts back to defend herself and I told her to just simply say “thank you” and move along.
Oh honey, you are a very nice Christian lady! Stay strong and know we recognize your awesomeness.
Nice Christian Women *and* Men follow the Ten Commandments. They don’t happen to pick and choose which ones apply to them. Ya know, like skipping over numbers 6, 8, 9; and, in some cases, 10.
When I asked Cheater#2’s whore exactly this after she proclaimed she was a “Christian Mom”. Cue surprised Pikachu face. Then she tried to sputter some bullshit about forgiveness. Told her Jesus offers divine forgiveness but I most definitely do not.
God May Forgive You But I Won’t · Norma Jean
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL6FkocdZck&ab_channel=NormaJean-Topic
Every– and I mean EVERY– coworker who participated in flirking (work-flirting) with FW after his promotion was an alcoholic evangelical. All were in relationships or married, so definably Jesus-cheaters.
We lived in a blue state where evangelicals (and one Mormon) are so thin on the ground that it looks like he managed to round up all of them until he found one willing to follow through and have an affair with him. Imagine the odds. Alcoholics are pretty common in that state but not hyper-Christian alcoholics. Yes, post-D-Day shock stage I sluethed Insta and Pinterest accounts: mucho Jesus memes.
Is it a coincidence his mother has been a member of a religious cult for 40 years? I think not. If you add in that they all had big jaws and short necks, it gets extra incest-y.
Meanwhile I’m third gen agnostic. The “why them” is easy. The hard part to figure is why me? I guess people tend to return to factory setting by middle age no matter how much they tried to rebel in their youth.
My STBXW was president of the women’s guild at our Catholic Church and reading Calling Jesus while having 2 affairs. On our computer there are pictures of her crowning the Blessed Mother sandwiched between pictures of her APs. To boot I was going through chemotherapy for cancer at the time. She was a Eucharistic Minister. Amazing how she could separate the two. She was screwing the church and school’s maintenance guy in his office at church.
Her church friends don’t want to believe it and feel that it was me who drove her to it because she told them I was “verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusive”. She read the book gone girl and used that strategy. As if the cheating and betrayal aren’t bad enough the slandering and character assassination sucks as well. I am a respected surgeon in the community and have to deal with this. I am 7 months post Dday and at times it is still as raw as the day I found out. She goes around without a care in the world. I have not given her any kibble but it is a constant shit sandwich.
“She was a Eucharistic Minister. Amazing how she could separate the two”.
Wow, they’re big at separating things, aren’t they? This is not that shocking coming from her when, if I recall correctly, she is also a nurse and refrained from driving you to and back from chemotherapy. They don’t really believe in anything. They don’t have the enough depth to take anything seriously.
If she did believe what she payed lip service to, she would believe she was touching Jesus’ body with the same hands and mouth she touched her man-whore. She would be frightened to go straight to hell.
I noticed that same hypocrisy in my FW XW that is serendipitously enough also a “very catholic” health professional, one that never gave a flying fuck to my health.
It is so sad. She is now going to a different parish. But that is between her and God
“I guess people tend to return to factory setting by middle age no matter how much they tried to rebel in their youth”.
WOW, this is brilliant and has much truth to it (albeit I am still rebellious at middle age – my FW XMIL told my eldest son that he is as rebellious as me and I am very proud of that; not planning to revert to factory setting before dementia sets in).
About Jesus cheaters, my FW XW is sort of one of them. Her status on social media is “Nihil Amori Christi Praeponere” from Saint Benedict’s Rule. At one point she entertained the thought of wearing a veil to the Mass (not kidding). Oh, and she claims to have actually seen Jesus sitting by her side at the Mass one day ????.
I hope she and AP enjoy the violent winds at the second circle of hell.
I will be spending my time scattered back through nature and freed from this curse of self-counsciousness. ????
My ex was playing the family man which included Church, and he had a good relationship with our preacher (who had no clue what a liar he was).
I don’t really call him a Jesus Cheater though, because Jesus had nothing to do with it.
Our preacher rained down the Gospel truth on him when he found out what the con artist was trying to pull off.
Please not to all: I am not offended by the term, I just don’t blame Jesus for something he did, anymore than I blame myself.
Sin comes from the heart of the sinner. I might call him a Satan Cheater, but I think taking my fw down was one of Satan’s easier jobs.
All kidding aside I do think my fw was a very, very troubled man and had been since he was a kid. Unfortunately, he made no effort to change himself; and he thought he would be able to keep his status and just switch out women.
He got to keep the whore, but his status and his life’s work (our life’s work) was gone.
” I think taking my fw down was one of Satan’s easier jobs”. ????
Sure Satan haven’t have to offer him much more than a whore’s attention in order to make him jump from the pinacle of his life. Sure your XH thought some angel named Susie would grab him by the feet on his fall. ????
Still on the religion issue, one of the many things my FW robbed me of was my faith, and it was long before DDay. I just couldn’t put up anymore with the hypocrisy of a lot of religious people in our midst (her and my XMIL specially included). Stumbling block, much?
I can’t say I am really sad for being faithless, I think in my case it was an upgrade, because there were tons of cognitive dissonance involved for me.
I was raised catholic, but rebelled in my youth, met FW as an atheist and after a couple of crises (FW-manufactured chaos) I turned to church for help. I was psychologically broken by then, and having exhausted all the attempted secular explanations for what was going on with my marriage, I would take whatever explanation and medicine the holy mother church, with all her staunch defense of the marriage, offered me. And I took them all. But it did require a lot of suspension of disbelieve at my end. Saint Augustine once said that if it wasn’t for the roman catholic church’s authority (political hegemony?) he would not be able to believe and Tertullian said he believed *because* it was absurd. I think I was sort of walking on those men shoes, but the authority I was giving in to was my FW’s.
I had a somewhat long stint as a roman catholic in the middle of the marriage, but it did not smoothened things out, to the contrary. I am very ashamed of this period of self-imposed falsification of my world view.
I think the roman catholic teachings on the indissolubility of the marriage and on the overall condemnation of abortion are harmful to millions of the faithful. Let alone the whole child abuse and cover up issue that is outright “satanic”.
I think it was Washington University’s professor Rodney Stark who once put forward the idea that the church regulations on mariage and abortion were actually welcomed by the average roman woman (specially the ones not pertaining to the noble classes) by the time of the apostolate of Peter and Paul and their successors, because these things would oftenly be forced on them by the average roman pater familia in detriment of women’s and children’s safety and health (don’t know if I buy this, though). But times have a-changed and the church stands still. Francis looks to be trying to stir things up but the structure is just too heavy for an old man to tackle.
As for divorce, I think the reformed church is way more reasonable than the catholic church, by allowing divorce to be sought by the innocent victim of adultery or sexual creepiness (and this is indeed in the St. Matthew’s gospel, as you certainly know, Susie). But it is still too little (imo) and I think that the secular law has made an incomparably better job at protecting people from abuse.
Not to mention in which conditions divorce entered the reformed church, under the patronage of a psycopath, wife murderer Henry VIII.
Too much of a digression, but it’s only to offer some background on my bitterness over religion and to assure you that nonetheless I respect the subject (and its subjects) very much. Besides, I really like to talk to you, Susie. ????
hmmm.
i had a moment when he disclosed his sub-basement and started talking about BDSM he desired/deserved, including air play (choking) that my internal narrator went WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? followed by THIS GUY IS NUTS AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
this after 30 years of marriage and no mention of any kink.
can i just say i don’t wish to be a minor character in my marriage.
Daughter dated/lived with asshat 10 years , then married 1 year , 2 daughters , and he decided to be polyamourous and then transgender. All I could go was SMH. Of course they are divorced now , but his behaviour is really messing with the girls heads. What are you going to do?
I had a moment like that, too. My now-ex had declared he was “a woman in a man’s body” (a biological impossibility, although gender dysphoria is a real phenomenon), and followed that up immediately with “I’m a masochist. I want to be punished. I want to play the part of a woman. I want to be penetrated.”
I sat there thinking, “what does masochism and punishment have to do with being a woman? And, why is the first thing you think about being a woman sexual, and getting “penetrated”? And also, why would you think I’d be up for “punishing” you?
I hadn’t yet learned about autogynephilia, the sexual paraphilia in which a man is turned on by imagining himself a woman.
Yes! Thank you! These fucking perverted men who claim they’re actually women because they want to be used and abused and fucked as women should be used and abused and fucked. That’s their fucked up misogynistic reasoning.
And it’s like hey asshole, you aren’t trans, you’re just a degenerate pervert who hates women and doesn’t see us as human beings. We’re just a costume for them to put on when they have gross, demeaning sex.
But I’m a bigot for saying that and that’s why I don’t have a sister anymore. Oh well, I don’t miss her.
Mine never admitted to being a man in a woman’s body but I often wondered…
I didn’t have to wonder; he cheated with men as well and he wanted to dress as a woman while being penetrated.
He was definitely NOT passable so he didn’t get many takers.
Another sad confession from him, trying to elicit pity from me.
I couldn’t muster any tears for him.
Wow, I thought I was the only one! My ex-husband told me almost exactly the same thing. Somehow he managed to get bottom surgery without the standard year of therapy, and then immediately regretted it. I was gone by then, but (back on-topic) at one point had to tell him that I felt it was more important for me to take our only vehicle to visit my father *on his deathbed* than for him to travel 4 hours away to “see [my 5-year-old granddaughter]” whose arm was broken. Note that this accident had occurred about a month previously and the kid was doing fine. I managed to go see my father and then came home to an apartment full of Post-It notes calling me every name in the book. Guess he [yeah, he’s now back to living as a man with the accompanying pronouns and minus the male genitalia] got flustered when he couldn’t meet up with whoever he was actually wanting to see. (I don’t know and I don’t want to know.)
Why do they never imagine their “feminine sides” cleaning the gunk under the kitchen counter or getting up in the middle of the night to feed screaming infants?
Mysteries.
LMAO!!!
LOL!!! ????
Thank you! You just made my day! My ex texted me yesterday asking what I used to clean the bathrooms because he needs to do his. He has been living there for almost two years now. I’m pretty sure he had to explore the hell out of his feminine side to clean up that much bathroom funk.
Men who call themselves “feminist” or “ally” who don’t know how to load a dishwasher or change a diaper lol.
Dire period pain where you feel like your insides are being torn out + accompanying headache, but having to work a full day and behave normally. That’s very erotic.
Emptying the dishwasher while bellowing at your children to, for the love of pete, brush their teeth and GO TO SCHOOL.
I should definitely write erotic fiction, lol.
Harlequin awaits your submission.
Erotic fiction with all the real life stuff included is basically Isabel Allende. She did okay for herself. 😉
Come to think of it, that reminds me of a song by Brazil’s former minister of culture Gilberto Gil’s song O Amor Aqui la Casa that starts “Menstruation stops…”
That song filled stadiums. Don’t knock the market value of your graphic tendencies. 😀
bahahaha
????????????????
I enjoyed many idiotic responses, in retrospect, after time had passed. So many choices. . . how about this one “If I pay my fair share of expenses for the children, and take them on weekends, I will not be able to afford to date, or have time to date.” Not my problem, dude.
He did have enough sense to agree he could not handle the kids during the week, with school and activities, and medical appointments. Which left the weekends. So, how many weekends do you want? The kids told him they wanted to see him, not be extra’s on his dates. What a dilemma, be a father, or date inappropriate women. Cue to question, define inappropriate? Start with, all your choices so far. Co-parenting with a FW is NOT fun.
“Co-parenting with a FW is NOT fun”.
No, it’s not, I hear you.
“If I pay my fair share of expenses for the children, and take them on weekends, I will not be able to afford to date, or have time to date.”
My FW XW never had the honesty to put that down in words, but along 20 years of marriage I developed the unenviable ability to read her mind in order to (try and) prevent the next chaos. That’s why not paying her fair share of expenses for the children entered the settlement by my request (I bought the little peace I have). As for the weekends, it should be hers by our 50/50 custody agreement, but just yesterday (a saturday) I picked up my kids from her house at 3pm after having turning them over to her the last thursday 9am. This is all so that she can “have time to date” tomorrow with a new boyfriend (not AP – this is the sixth men in less than two years) that she already tried to cheat on with me twice (for the record: I will never touch her again with a barge pole).
“The kids told him they wanted to see him, not be extra’s on his dates”.
FW likes to take our kids on her dates too. She has done so with at least two different men and was planning to have a pool party with my kids at her AP’s house in a militia controlled area (I was able to avert this shit). My eldest son told something similar (but less eloquently) to what your kids said to their father; to his therapist he was more open and told that he was feeling jealous of the time and attention her mom was lavishing on her boyfriend (lovebombing phase, much?).
Breeding with fuckwits is definitely the gift that keeps on giving as Tracy says.
When he told me he was polyamorous, therefore I wasn’t allowed to be mad when I discovered he had a fiancee the whole fucking time:
“Uninformed polyamory is called cheating, dipshit.”
If you watch Yellowstone, one of the main characters, Beth Dutton, has a saying. “I don’t speak dipshit.” I have it on a T shirt I wear under my scrubs at work. 🙂
People who have been “basically brother and sister for years” don’t usually have a one year old child together.
“You don’t get to tell me what I think”
(When Chumpy’s actual behavior didn’t align with his “uncaring wife” fantasy)
(Dang it, that was supposed to be on a new line – sorry!)
At least, one would hope not.
There are so many things that were said that made me think he had lost his marbles ( seriously thought he must have a brain tumour).
He is a Minister- so I gave him the benefit of my doubt for far too long. A few of the good ones:
1. It isn’t anyone’s business where we stayed at that conference. Except the two of you are both ministers on a church related conference, both married to other people -not staying in the appointed hotel with the others in your group. And my kids keep calling and you are not where you said you would be. You lied to us, your colleagues and your congregation.
2. She needs me to counsel her. She’s in a bad marriage!!!
Yes – because she’s having an affair with you.
3. I think Miss Piggy and her 3 kids should move in with us – her marriage is terrible. He was sleeping with her at this point and obviously delusional.
4. It’s not what you think. No – it turned out to be much much worse than I could imagine.
Glad to be away from the FW parade. They are now married and I hope they enjoy many many years of togetherness ????????????
I still sometimes wonder if he has a brain problem, but now I know it doesn’t matter, his behavior is not acceptable to me. He’s an adult and I can’t force him to get an evaluation and that’s life. Thank you CL and CN!
Honestly I think my ex was a sick puppy. I mean it was no excuse for how he treated me and others. He had to know when he was living a double life how wrong and sick it was.
He went on to do such stupid stuff, that I still have trouble believing it sometimes these many years later. How could a person who had to know how wrong they were not want to seek help.
Susie Lee…same here. I just found out on DD1-Dec 18 and DD2-Jan 20, that my partner of 15 years was living a secret double life for years…and I had no clue.
I found phone records, emails and online activities of some pretty disgusting, vile, despicable UNPROTECTED sex acts that he was doing with probably hundreds of women, men and couples…I wanted to vomit it was so traumatizing.
Clearly he knew it was wrong and that it would totally devastate me when I found out…but he continued for years. He is some kind of disgusting abusive sex addict…and I’m so glad I kicked him to the fucking curb.
I just need to focus on healing from this nightmare that he’s put me in. I still have a hard time believing he was capable of this treachery…he presented so loving and good…such a mindfuck.
I’m so sorry. I went through something similar. My (now ex) husband of 20 years turned out to be a horrifying sex addict. I lost everything and everyone except for my son. People I considered family were just his fuck buddies, some I’d known our entire marriage. We were like the perfect couple, he gushed about how much he loved me. It was all fake. These men who do this are complete and utter psychopaths. There’s just no way a normal person can do this, especially not for so long.
It is incredibly traumatizing. Please be kind to yourself. It does get better but it takes time. My DDay was July 27, 2020. I’m doing ok now but it still washes over me in a nauseating wave occasionally. But it gets better. You’re right to focus on healing, you’ll get there.
I got big into yoga. I don’t mean to sound cliche but I read somewhere that yoga is the practice of becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and in the midst of my grief and trauma, I thought that was something that may be helpful to learn. It’s one of the few things that really seemed to help me and I could do it alone in my bedroom using free videos on youtube or amazon prime without worrying if I hadn’t showered that day.
I also watched a lot of Dr. Ramani on youtube. And I read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?” which is a book about abusive men. You have been abused. This is abuse. It wasn’t a fun realization for me but I think it helped me heal. Acknowledging it and accepting it.
Just hang in there and be kind to yourself. It’s a very hard thing to go through and most people can’t even begin to understand it. But it does get better. I promise.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It is indeed life shattering.
I can only say what others do, you will get better; lots better. Some pain main remain, but you will learn to manage and resolve it as your full life goes on.
I honestly don’t know much of what my ex did. And Dday was Christmas day, (these fuckers love to blow up Christmas) When he left a week after Dday, he said he had been “dating” for ten years, and that he never loved me. Yes in his mind it was dating.
I just remember standing there and thinking, wait a minute while I was giving myself to him body, heart and soul he was involved with other women. It was all a lie, I had a son with someone who didn’t even love me.
I had always know he had a selfish streak; but I honestly thought we were in a solid marriage. That was the image he was portraying to me and in the community. We spent a lot of time together at home and at events, hanging out with friends etc. I don’t know how he hid it.
This was back in the day before social media, or even internet so that likely helped. Also, I was never a suspicious type. But he hid it from a lot of folks.
Thank you, Susie Lee. I felt the same way. It’s so hard to believe how deceitful these fuckers are. He lied into my eyes when he said I was the only one and he could never betray me, so I shouldn’t worry about it. The lies are unbelievable. It made me question my own reality. I still can’t believe what he was capable of.
Even after the ddays he still claimed to love me…WTF?!?! Sorry, but we obviously have different definitions of love, motherfucker.
I asked him why he just didn’t let me go instead of stringing me along all these years…that would’ve been the kind thing to do. He clearly wasn’t happy just having sex with me…”boring monogamous sex”. I saw on an online forum that he wrote sex with me “was more like a chore”. Fuck you, asshole.
I think I’m in the anger stage, which is good. But it still hurts so much. That someone who pretends to love you and care for you and is committed to you can do such evil things to you for so long, with no thought of what it will do when you find out…is seriously fucked.
Exactly. You go ahead and feel whatever you feel because that is a seriously F’ed up situation.
” That someone who pretends to love you and care for you and is committed to you can do such evil things to you for so long, with no thought of what it will do when you find out…is seriously fucked.”
It is fucked up. But also, I think a lot of times they do it because it serves them. Obviously they are getting their thrills (dupers delight) but also like in my fws case; he was getting the family image, I was working in the community and politics to better his chances of succeeding in getting more status and power.
He started the year of discard just a couple months after he got the brass ring at work. (captains bars and a private office). I think the plan was to start treating me so badly I would kick him out and he could drag whore out of the alley and put her up as the new love.
Unfortunately for him, someone filed an ethics complaint and his lies and cons were busted wide open. (No it wasn’t me) I had started to become suspicious, but I never suspected his direct report. I didn’t think he was that stupid. Guess again. He was.
Or, in response to the reassurance that the intern AP was always very “respectful” of me: I don’t consider fucking my husband while I’m at home alone with 3 small kids to be particularly respectful.” Is it just me?
She wasn’t even respectful to herself, how on earth could she be respectful to you, or anyone else. Liars are not capable of respecting anyone.
But you do remind me of the second to last awards banquet for the PD. There was a scandal going on in the PD where one of the captains was fucking a police woman. Lets call them Joe and Jane. Joe was married but he was fucking Jane. My fw was sitting across the table from me, and he said Jane is not here tonight, I respect her for not coming out of respect for Joes wife. This was not long after he (fw) had gotten his promotion. Also Joe had gotten his promotion at the same time as my fw.
Anyway in hindsight after he left a year later I realized that fw’s whore was not there that night either. (that I saw) I am betting in his sick mind, she was to be respected because she didn’t drag her nasty ass to the banquet in front of me. I was unaware of his adultery at that time.
But the following years banquet he sat her nasty ass right at our table, along with her best friend. By then I knew he was cheating, but honestly didn’t think it was that troll, who was also his direct report.
I was in a state of confusion at that point as he was being extremely volatile with me over stupid shit at home.
OMG, just how did I forget these ones?
At the very DDay#2 (during the Normandy landings, when chump catches FW getting home from a motel at 7 am). After long conversation trying to make her show her phone, she admits to the affair and proceeds to talk about the AP (a notorius piece of shit; poor, hiddeous, disgusting excuse for a man).
FW: “Don’t worry, he was very respectful”.
Chump: (catatonic)
Note: she was his boss. Funny she thought the respect he allegedly showed for her while eating her pussy and taking her from behind and making her lick his balls should assuage my complete humiliation at that moment.
FW: He is not a thug, he told me his story.
Chump: ((catatonic))
FW: He told me he found you very corageous for daring to confront him.
Chump: (((catatonic)))
FW: you would like him if you knew him.
Chump: ((((catatonic))))
Note: he is a crooked cop, probably criminal. And he did threatened me explicitly when I confronted him by text. Funny she thought I would be flattered by a compliment/new veiled threat from the piece of shit that was fucking her. How little she must think of me to figure out I would cherish such a source of validation.
Chump (coming back to his senses): you know he is quite promoscuous, you can have passed me something, how could you do this to me? You are my only woman.
FW (with a smirk): I ran his tests at the lab myself, he is clean. And he is sterile, don’t worry.
Note: he wasn’t.
Oh goodness BC, you sound just like me when my fw (a Cop) dropped all his filth on me the night of final discard. I was indeed catatonic. I only remember saying a couple things, mostly I just sat in a chair and stared at him in shock.
I should have screamed at him to shut up and leave, but I was pretty much frozen.
I must have sat in that chair for an our or two after he left, before I could move again.
Our stories do have a lot in common, Susie, and that has helped me a lot.
As you know, my FW XW is also a cop (in health corps though) and cheated on me with a direct report (street cop assigned to menial jobs at the lab). Funny thing, she also had political ambitions. She once told me uncerimoniously she thought she would someday end up being nominated Security Secretary of the State (no kidding!).
I also helped her a lot in her career. For instance, she would run by me first every single document she would issue to spell-check and gramatically correct. I was sort of a glorified secretary. I would chase after typos, mispellings, splicing commas and the all too common ill-formulated sentences that made no sense at all or conveyed no meaningful information (I attribute this to cheaters’ illogical patterns of thinking and penchant for bombast).
OMG, I am the man who knows too much. ????
I read your comment below and just realized things got real nasty around her last promotion (to major), the ceremony and party afterwards being weird. I had a feeling something was off but couldn’t quite put a finger on what. I honestly can’t remember if then AP was there (I wasn’t paying attention to that at the time, it was pre DDay 1), but I know for sure I acknowledged a handful of accomplices and sycophants. This makes me sick.
As to being sitting quiet staring at nothing as we listened to the words that broke our chests, it was exactly like that, except I was chain-smoking through her monologue and I left the apartment at the end of that awkward conversation.
Come to think of it, quitting smoking was one of the few improvements FW brought to my life, but I relapsed over the last years of our marriage, unbeknownst to her. It was the first time I smoked in front of her in a long time. She only agreed to talk about details of her affair after I told her I would admit afterwards to have been unfaithful myself and with who (what, it turned out). When she was over, I pointed to the pack of cigarrettes over the table and said that was my betrayal. I’ve got once again the deer in the headlight stare.
I am very bitter over the fact that my kids never had the chance to say goodbye to the place they grew up in (they were with me in another city by the time; she moved shortly after). I too miss the place very much. Never saw it again.
“I had a feeling something was off but couldn’t quite put a finger on what. ”
I too remember the promotion ceremony. It was just the brass, fw and me. I pinned his bar on. I remember whore was peeking around the hall, but she did not come in. I remember thinking, why didn’t he invite his direct report. My guess is he told her not to as it would be suspicious. But of course who knows.
I am sure the brass didn’t know of his relationship with her, for several reasons but mostly because the mayor regardless of his own faults was not an idiot. No way he would have promoted fw, to turn around in less than a year later and bust him.
FW not only got her hired while he was screwing with her, he about six months after he was promoted petitioned for a raise for her. Then about a month after he did that, someone filed an ethics complaint against him.
I honestly think that his plan was to use me for another two years until the mayor was reelected then, in the meantime treat me like shit under his shoes so I would throw him out; then he would drag whore out of the alley and put on the pretense of a new relationship.
But someone dropped a dime and it all went to hell.
But yes, I worked for many years in the community (Lions Club) and then in politics, helping with paperwork, hosting townhalls etc to get him what he wanted and what I thought was for us. It also helped that I really liked the mayor to be, and still think he was good for the city. But the blood sweat and tears were for the fw.
Per his own admission on the night of final discard he had been cheating for ten years. So that means for most of the years I was out there working for him, he was lying and cheating. His final bomb was “I never loved you”
You would think he would have kept that all to himself, but no. Not sure how he thought that helped him, but whatever.
Not just you. My exact situation.
I had to explain to my ex wife who got pregnant with the AP’s child (which I found out many years later). She told me she didn’t plan on getting pregnant with the AP’s child while have unprotected sex. I replied with SexEd 101: “If you have unprotected sex you can get pregnant” ????????????
File this under things I never thought I’d say: “Tell your wife to step up the blowjobs and “happy endings” to pay off your tax bill.”
He had asked me to loan him $20K to pay his taxes and buy a condo. He told me it was over with his massage parlor girl schmoopie and he needed the money to get back on his feet. I told him I would not give him the money. Found out later he was actually married to her, had married her before the ink was dry on our divorce. I was LIVID!! What kind of person has the audacity to ask his ex wife of 29 years, whom he heartlessly abandoned, for thousands of dollars while he is married to the massage parlor whore he left her for?
Broke NC to email him that suggestion on how to raise the money.
Seems like a logical suggestion to me.
That was a perfect reason to break “No contact” and what you wrote to him was perfect, too. You really nailed it, good going, Nemesis!
Normally I’m not for therapeutic snark – I love Tracy’s rule of “if it feels good don’t do it,” but dear lord did he deserve a smack of snark and so much more! ????????????
Is his marriage to her even legal?
Yes. We had been divorced a couple of months when he asked me for the money. He was already married to her. The question is, is massage girl wifey here legally? Doubt it. Probably why she latched on to my stupid ex. I heard he is now trying to bring her family over here from her homeland. Fool. He deserves what he gets.
“No, you can’t invite Marissa (fuckbuddy he was actively sexting with) to our home to sit with you on the porch and drink.”
He thought he was such an honest broker by asking. Couldn’t understand why I found it disrespectful and downright insane.
A few times I came home from work at 9:00 at night, and Ho neighbor was sitting on my couch, drinking with my X. (At this point we all knew what was going on, he was pushing for a triad, and I was lining up ducks!)
It’s almost funny now, they are such idiots!
Ok, this here is why we all initially think they must have brain tumors…
Completely crazy. I’m glad you walked away, WalkAwaywoman!
After I discovered his 5 yr affair with a co-worker, I asked if he still considered himself a man of character.
He responded “I cannot believe my wife of 25 yrs is questioning my character!”
Initially this whole conversation shocked me, then made me mad and know just makes me softly chuckle. What an unenlightened moron.
Me to Cheater: “You always told me you were a man of integrity.”
Cheater’s response: “My integrity is completely intact.”
Evidently his interpretation of integrity is different than mine.
During the mess immediately after Dday, in a voice that made it should like he was giving me advise on how to do the “pick me dance”… while he was being a mean spiteful asshole
“What men really want is to be admired”
“Being admired starts be doing something admirable”
Omg yes, this!!!
“You don’t seem interested in me.”
You don’t seem interested in doing basic household chores, talking to your children, doing much other than looking at your phone and definitely not in taking me on a date or anything.
But yeah, f*** me for not getting wet on command.
Holy moley. I’d say his wife of 25 years knows his character better than he does!
Paula…cleaning up spewed coffee here!
Two things I yelled at my Ex during the discard phase:
“Why in the H#LL is she invited to our Mother’s Day meal?”
“You need choose between your family and your girlfriend.”
It absolutely offends me that these FW thinks we are so stupid.
“You can’t ‘think highly of women’ if you’re following them around with your phone shoved up their skirts on escalators, and taping their boobs and butts with your phone in the lunch room at work.”
Such a great feminist he was…sigh!
Ew ! Reminds me of one of the men I wasted time and money on in coed group therapy.
The three men were all former therapists and all super fucked up. The perv who liked to stand under stairs, hoping to catch a glimpse under a skirt. The man who was cheating on his wife with a “Tantric masseuse”. And the one eyed (a glass one replaced the other) nebbish who wouldn’t admit he was beating up his Japanese girlfriend-“only throwing things and punching walls.”
There are so many.
The first ‘how can I really be saying this’ moment was “Breaking up means that we have to divorce, no I won’t live with you as your drinking buddy instead.”
“You cannot treat a rural animal rescue group like a big city nightclub.”
“You are not ‘friends’ with the person whose wife you seduced. Friends don’t do that.”
And “If you keep trying to sleep with other people’ wives, you could get shot or beaten up.” But I will not be around for that! Freedom Day is coming!
“It is NOT ok to be getting porn from other women you met on the internet!!”
Jesus Christ -_- I no longer explain to grown ass men things that should be obvious.
“When you’ve lied a lot in the past people will question your current honesty”
This was impossible for my ex to grasp. He thought that I was abusive to not believe everything he said after discovering he had cheated for years.
It was a short reconciliation
Same here. But my FW XW had not only lied A LOT in the past, she was lying to my face then and I had proof if it (unbeknownst to her). It took me this whole shit storm to realize my XW has always been a pathological liar, and is unlikely to change. She still lies about the most inconsequential of things. But I get to hand it to her: she is damn good at it.
Yep, my ex thought three months of behaving decently meant my trust in him should be restored. Um, it doesn’t work like that buddy!
When he demanded I produce our 18 year old son for “visitation:”
“Son is 18 and a legal adult. He has the right of all adults to choose who he wants to spend time with and it isn’t you.”
Kit, my son will be 26 in a couple of months and has not had contact with his father in the eight months FW and I separated. I got an email (only supposed to be used for legal/asset communications) insisting that I make our son see him to talk. Wrote back that it was not a legal/separation/asset issue and that I will not do anything. Jeez, can’t these FWs realize that grown adult children make their own decisions of who they want in their lives and they don’t want in? My son and I are close but that has been the case because FW was not very involved with him.
But he was so used to controlling other human beings it didn’t matter! He gets to tell everyone else what to do!
Although we made good money he could spend it faster than we could earn it. I was forever up at the Credit Union getting yet another loan to tide us over his latest spending binge! We had just paid off one loan and I was starting to feel like I might be able to breath just a little when he (drunk) went out one Saturday and came back home to tell me he had just bought himself a $60,000 car. When I went ballistic he looked like he was going to cry and said “but I thought you’d be happy for me”!
“I didn’t know she was a prostitute!” Really? Do I pay $500 to random people to gave sex with me?
“You can’t be in love with someone you’ve never met and only know from playing World of Warcraft online!” #JerrySpringerMoment
Spoiler alert: they had met. And more.
“Leaving your under 5 year old kids unattended to go masturbate isn’t acceptable, even if you left the door to the bathroom open so you could hear them.”
Me: Why is AP sending you nude photos if you are just friends?
FW: She didn’t send nudes, it was just a picture of her boobs
Me: That’s a NUDE!
I still cannot believe that this was an actual conversation.
It wasn’t about the sex? I called bullshit.
This on top of being told he hadn’t loved me for years, then he sure love lying to me especially after we were done having the sex that apparently was not important to him? ????
As his father laid dying in another state and his mother had passed 2 months before, I found out his affair and asked how he could do this when his dad is dying. His comment was that he couldn’t watch his dad die. But, he could screw the howorker to relieve the stress… How sick is that?
Him: I’m really upset you had me served divorce papers at her house. Some things should stay between us.
Me: I’m upset you decided having a girlfriend while we are married is appropriate. I guess we’re even?
Yeah, seeing as how you two were married, his dick should have stayed between you, too, and not off in someone else. I can’t believe he had the unmitigated gall to say that. Wow.
Afraid she will expect an engagement ring any day ? ????
Well, you’re most likely to be served where you spend most of your time, duh…
I think it’s the perfect place!
They all want to keep the ‘I’m a good person ???? mask on!
Let the truth out.
Some things should stay between us.
I suppose he didn’t consider AP being “between us”. What a turdbucket.
“The pimple on the tip of your dick isn’t an ingrown hair. You don’t grow hair there” Spoiler alert: it was herpes.
“no one wants to see a photo of your asshole”. Ex-hole had had a colonoscopy and some other butt hole scan. He got to take home a photo or screen shot of what the fibre optics showed. Kept it in the breast pocket of his suit jacket, and was miffed when I laughingly said that. He had a kind of Thing about the attention he got in hospitals..
I told my brother he is the ex-hole. Brother said “that’s a good one- so shallow that he’s an ex- hole”.