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I Can’t Believe I Just Said That

Today’s Friday Challenge was suggested by Mr. CL. It was inspired by a comment he read on last Friday’s post where a chump told her husband:

 “50-year-old men can’t sext with 17-year-old girls.”

It’s the kind of thing, as you say it, you think, “I can’t believe I’m having to say this.”

Something so patently absurd, it shakes you out of chumpdom for a moment. I gotta get outta here. This is bananas. 

What basic tenet of decency did you find yourself explaining? And how did it sound to your own ears?

TGIF!

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I remember when he broke it off with AP to reconcile with me. He was crying and said “maybe we’ll see each other again someday. Maybe on the other side” to which I said “I’m so sorry. Breakups are painful but you will get through this.”
      WTF?? It was surreal that I was coaching him through it.

      • “WTF?? It was surreal that I was coaching him through it.

        I think that when we do these things it is because we have been gradually broken down and are just confused and scared. It isn’t until our heads clear, and we regain our courage that we look back and say, wth?

        • I think I was in complete shock, and also pick me dancing my ass off. I would’ve said anything at that point to keep him with me. Now I look back and cringe so hard.

          • Same here. And it is humiliating to think back on.

            He moved out and told me he needed space and he thought things would work out, but he needed to get his head on straight. (what he was actually doing was getting out the door without any drama, and giving me hope so I would keep it quiet for about a week. Then he came back and finished off the discard telling me he and the girl he had been “dating” (such a pretty word for adultery) were in love and wanted to get married. Also this “girl” was a 35 year old town slut with three big assed boys who belonged to different men.

            I sat there in shock and let him spill his bile on me. I should have kicked his ass out, and had the locks changed immediately. But, it took me a few more weeks to get my own head clear.

      • yeah, I did that too. Four days after our divorce was finalized, he sent me an email saying he had made a mistake, his life was in chaos and pure hell during our year-long separation. He left out the part about his engagement to his girlfriend during our separation (thought I didn’t know about her). And what did I do??? I emailed back saying how sorry I was to hear that and buckup, Buttercup, talk to your therapist to right yourself and it will all be okay, Pat, pat, here’s a cookie. Ugh!! Wish I could take that email back. Still makes me want to vomit. Why did I do that??

    • “ I’m not gaslighting you anymore.”
      “You can’t stop me having an affair”.
      No, that’s why I’m divorcing your sorry a**.
      After twenty six years, the denial is so strong on first discovery because the nightmarish reality is too much to bear and I was trying to protect my family and my mind from the truth. There’s none so gullible as those who want to believe the lies.
      Now, 4 years later I’ve found myself and my self respect again. I’ve healed my heart my own way but there’s a scar which I wear like armour. The pending divorce is just a piece of paper -however, in his opinion I’m turning our lives upside down and I’m the one destroying the marriage.
      He managed that with his double life and lies. I’ve forgiven him because it’s easier on me and I do believe he loved me deeply for years, albeit only as deeply as he was able. Just not enough to communicate his feelings or actually risk getting a divorce/losing face /assets by discussing personal issues.
      When he fell out of love, he gave himself permission to despise me and disrespect me.
      “Don’t ever let me treat you like that again!’
      Well, don’t worry … I won’t!

      • This. How do you get off the phone with your child, after helping them with their life problems because they’re so young and naive and still could use a lot of guidance from you….and then place your next call to someone the same age, who is your girlfriend. There’s something really sick about that.

    • ☝☝☝ this!

      In fact, *helping* to parent her own children, as all of the heavy lifting (feed, bath, take to school, pick up from school, homework, taking the younger to therapy, play sports with them) was left for me to do during the last 4 years of the marriage (I now wonder what was going on by then).

      In fact, just *pretending* to cover some of their expenses. I say pretending because at one point I had to spend all my savings at the time (the equivalent of 5.5k US dollars) in past due school tuitions and when I discovered the affair some time later I also discovered (along with a massive, unexplainable personal debt of hers up to almost US$40k) past due school tuitions of both kids piling up to US$ 6k again. I had to run debt myself to pay 2.5k immediately in order to get the kids enrolled in a school the following year (or else the previous school could hold their records – it’s against the law but they do create difficulties) and to renegotiate the remaining delinquent debts (she didn’t move a finger in this direction and wanted me to “just take a loan” to pay the full ammount; she *says* she is paying the remaining debt now).

      Never a SAHD here, two jobs at two (or three, depending on what you consider a job) different moments just to make the ends meet. In one (or two) of these moments I was simultaneously barely trying to function as PhD candidate in a strenuous subject.

      Fun fact: during the most of these 4 years (except for my 2 job stretch) she outearned me and was never shy of rubbing it in my face, specially around friends and family.

      Also funny how I had to take a break at noon almost every day of my busy week to take the younger, autistic kid to school, since she oftenly would come back home with him when she tried (“he didn’t want to stay”). It is happening again in her days with the kids.

      She worked “soooo much” (24h per week plus some night shifts – by her choice; again, I wonder what was going on by then) “just to provide *the best* (an elite school for the eldest) for *her* children”. I fell hard for the guilt trip and upped my game.

      Now I realize my life was a living hell.

      By our settlement I am now the sole financial responsible for my kids school and health insurance (she is bound to pay only half of the extracurriculars and therapy and to feed and shelter them during her half-weeks with them). Never again a bill was past due. I don’t have surplus but I no longer need to incur in debt just to make ends meet. That. With. Just. One. Income. The lesser of them.

      I can’t wrap my mind around just what in her lifestyle (affair included) was so expensive to have generated tons of debts. She says it was the eldest kid’s school but, again, she was just pretending to pay for it and the problem was from before this school (it was always there). I really don’t know what she did with her money and I am affraid to discover. During our marriage we were always struggling with money just to make for the bills even with both of us working in well-paid jobs. It’s just unbelievable. I’m better off now.

      • Brazilian Chump,

        Isn’t it crazy about the money? When XFW and I were married, he made close to $100,000 USD per year. Yet, we had none in savings.

        He spent paychecks before he got them, paid off one credit card with another and resorted to all kinds of Creative Accounting practices.

        After I left he cut me off completely. I was homeless and living on the support of my family and friends. STILL I managed to save money. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than we ever had when we were married.

        Who knows where it all went? I’ll never get it back, so I don’t want to know.

        • Yes, BtLh, the money thing is plain crazy. I am 2 years out now and couldn’t come yet with a satisfying explanation for all that shit. Asking will not do the trick. Only more lies and “I was not myself, I was crazy, I don’t know how I let things go so awry”. I still didn’t manage to save any money for myself. Still juggling with the financial fallout from the divorce and the kids expenses, which are all mine. Two months ago she complied with paying monthly for one kid’s school tuition, but we still have to work out the legal aspects of this arrangement, since our settlement doesn’t make provision for this and I don’t want trouble down the line. Still… her debt to banks and loan companies didn’t change over the last two years I’ve been cutting her some slack. And she too pays off one credit card with another, I thing it is some kind of standard disordered people’s move. They never change. We chumps are never the problem in these situations, the problem is always the disordered person. We need to get away to realize this from a safe distance, cut our losses, lick our wounds and count our blessings. Hope you are enjoying your new, cheater-free life and I am really sorry for all you’ve been through, but it’s over now. It is well worth all the heartbreak and all the struggle, isn’t it?

  • In response to the fact that ‘I knew’ and therefore ‘was okay with it’ because he mentioned their names in casual conversation “Was I to assume you were sleeping with all the woman you mentioned in conversation?” and “I can’t read your mind.”

  • You cannot ask your student to send you nude pics – even if she is an adult.

    I cannot pay all of the bills, plus the mortgage. You buying groceries once in a while does not count. You eat.

      • “I had affairs to save our marriage”

        Spoiler alert, they did not save our marriage and five years down the track, he purports to regrets of the loss of our friendship. He still hasn’t worked out that friends don’t lie and cheat.

    • I got that from my bf who lived with me for two months after surgery and thought a couple hundred bucks was enough to cover his share of groceries( try about 4x that and I make half his income) As soon as I placed a boundary he cut and ran. The trash took itself out.

    • You can’t go out for coffee and dinner with your student.

      Seeing your student outside of the University is plain wrong and against U ‘s policy

      You could have kill our unborn babies – by sleeping with a hooker & me while I was pregnant

      Yes, you can contract STD from oral and pass it to me

      No, hookers we’re not “ clean” as you claim- they could be carriers of an HIV

      Etc.

      • Yeah, Uni cheaters. We need a nickname like Sinister Minister. It’s pretty common practice for profs and grad students I’ve noticed though weird… and boundary defying.

  • I asked my husband, “how much did you pay to have sex with that man?” he responded, which one? Jesus Christ, why am I still here!?!

      • I ask myself that all the time..I leave, I come back, it’s been going on for over a year since 2nd D-Day. 65 years old, with 2 amazing adult sons, daughters-in-law and 2 granddaughters under 3 who love nothing better than spending time with family. So, we’ve had fake xmas, fake BD celebrations because I know when I tell them things will never be the same. Everyday, I tell myself this is it, I have to tell them, they would never want me to live this way, but, then I don’t. I am so tired..

        • It must be daunting to think of pulling the plug in your sixties. But I think it will be rejuvenating, freeing yourself of an abusive albatross.
          🤞

          • Yes, don’t give your entire life to this person, Kathy. You could have another few decades ahead of you. You didn’t do this to your family.

          • I pulled the plug the year I turned 60.
            It was hard, but worth it.
            I lost a lot.
            I gained even more.
            I am so glad I somehow found the strength to cut him loose.
            I hope you find the strength, too.

            • I was 40 at the time we got legally separated.

              I was scared, working a minimum wage job. I wasn’t really worried about knowing how to pay bills, I mean you just pay them. What I was worried about was having enough to pay the bills.

              What I figured out quick was, with him out of the picture, I had a lot of control over what bills I had. For about two years I wouldn’t spend an extra dime that I didn’t have to. I was so scared of running short. But, then it became clear the when you are in total control of your finances you have a lot more than you think you do, and you have the say in how to spend any extra you have. I chose to save it.

              I also figured out that while I was scrimping and saving so he could have the money he needed for his fun; I was learning to manage money very well. I had already learned a lot as a kid, but once I was on my own, it just all came together.

        • I’ll be 65 later this year. With 2 amazing adult sons, daughters-in-law, and two grandsons under 2. Would have been married 40 years this year. But after discovering his secret life of schmoopies (unsure of the total) and coming out of the fog and realizing he was actually quite abusive to me and our kids, I divorced my lying, cheating dumbass ex 14 years ago. It wasn’t easy, but OMG it is sooooo wonderful being in charge of your own life! No one else trying to control everything. No subjugating yourself attempting to please a jerk. It’s been wonderful not having to deal with my idiot ex. And I’m sure not wiping his abusive ass in old age! I feel so much healthier and more alive without all the stress. Stress really takes a toll. It’s scary at first but geez it is FANTASTIC! And even though I tried wreckonciliation a few times to try and keep our family together, it was my sons (16 and 12 at the time) who told me to quit. Kids know more than we think. So, things for me aren’t the same anymore – but everything is much better on my own!

          I highly recommend taking back your life. After caring for everyone else all these years – you’re 65 – put yourself first!

        • Kathy, I’m in my sixties and walked out. 7 months later, my life is better than it has ever been. My relationships with my adult children and their partners is thriving. I’m here to tell you you’ve spent your time in hell and deserve the best that life has to offer. I promise life on the other side is remarkable.

        • Kathy, a previous mother-in-law kicked her husband out when she was 60. EIGHT kids, all grown, multiple grandchildren etc. She was so worried they’d be super upset.

          She announced this to her kids at a family celebration (husband was supposedly out of town ‘for work’), and they all started clapping and cheering and hugging her and say ‘finally!’.

          You might be surprised.

    • Kathy,
      Do you know why you are still there?
      If not, you’ll likely be there awhile longer.
      I was still “in” for many years even though I lived separately. I know why I was at first, but later I just let it be. Now that we are no contact for about 4 months, I can see why I needed to be gone.
      You will too.

      • Thank you, I hope it comes soon! 65 years old, 39 year marriage, and he has been fucking me over for, at least, the last decade. We live as roommates, but I know I need to leave, go contact..it should not be this hard

        • Kathy, you need to protect yourself financially first, without letting him know you’re doing it.

          Get a lawyer, again without telling him. And get appropriate financial audits and statements.

          You have almost certainly been financially abused, as well as sexually. Your husband has been living a complicated double life, and there may be credit cards and loans you know nothing about.

          Family. You still have an awesome family. You always will have an awesome family.

          But when there’s family fallout from what sounds like a very necessary divorce, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

          The person to blame is your (hopefully) soon to be ex-husband. He blew up your family, not you.

          I’m so sorry you married such a liar, but they don’t change. You’re worth more than this.

        • Kathy, My mom (67) her marriage broke up when her husband thought he found his fucksoul-mate in a younger woman who used him for $$ & then cut & ran. He wanted my mom back after but she’s enjoying her life too much now & she never thought she would survive without him. Food for thought 💕

        • I hope you get out soon.

          If you are living like room mates, heck dump him and get an actual room mate. Share half the expenses with none of the pain.

      • Yea…this was similar to our bizarre conversation:

        Cheater : “If I were single, she would be a great catch”

        Me : “but you are not single”

        Cheater: “…oh yea…” (like he forgot)

    • I just remembered this one.

      I didn’t speak it out loud but I thought it to myself. Him “I have been dating for ten years”

      Me in my head, “if you are married it is adultery”

      I honestly didn’t say much in real time, I was too crushed and I just kind of went silent.

    • Same! I’ve said that to him so many times and various versions of it. “How can you think it’s ok to date while you were married to me?” “Dating other people is not ok when you’re married!” How the fuck is that so hard to understand? It’s the basic tenant of marriage. It’s the whole idea!

  • When FW was bragging that OW was OBVIOUSLY better than me because she “went to Penn and that’s an Ivy League school,” I had to remind him:
    “Why are you bragging? YOU didn’t go to an Ivy League school.” 😂 that dope

      • Oh she’s a real piece of work. “Ivy League” AP was still married but separated. She only knew FW for a few months (co-workers) and has 2 kids… and she moved FW right into her house.

        Here’s another one…. because AP was still married, the attorneys determined that our 9 year old son couldn’t stay the night there until AP was legally divorced. AP sat on it for almost 2 years before getting a divorce. She still wasn’t divorced when FW and I finalized our divorce!

        So FW kept getting hotel rooms every other weekend for nearly 2 years because he didn’t want an apartment. And he’d scream at me “it’s because of YOU that our son can’t spend the night with me at her house!!”

        I can’t believe I had to say “Um no. Your girlfriend is still married. Your own attorney agrees that’s not ok. Helloooooo … you’re yelling at the wrong person”

    • I had a single phone conversation with OW. Cheater said that OW struggled to understand what I said because I used complex words. OW graduated from the University of Washington.

    • Knave-Man is Ivy League, as am I, and most of his APs were also Ivy League.
      Of course it means nothing where character is concerned, except that Knave-man is evidently pompous enough to prefer Ivy League kibbles, an ad hominem he spewed in defense when caught.
      Veritas, indeed.

      • I just found it funny that FW was throwing it in my face that AP went to Penn and “it’s Ivy League”… meanwhile he went to Purdue (= not Ivy League).

        I don’t personally measure anyone’s worth by their education… nor do I define my own worth with by it. So FW can go suck it 😂

  • When he (39) told me he has soooo much in common with his 19 year old affair partner, I responded what, middle school math? As his kids were a couple years younger then her and we were helping with their homework. Lol.

  • You screwed him, in the woods, in January, in Ohio?

    Also:
    He’s not a stranger, but you don’t know where he lives?

    • “No, the kids’ college fund and our 401K was NOT intended to support your stripper addiction! And no, it was not money spent in furtherance of the community just because it made you happier. And I think we can skip further discussions about retaining [your affair partner] as the kids’ nanny.”

      • “So let me get this straight…you promised your coworker a $40,000 engagement ring even though your teenage children have no college fund?”

        “I was only joking with her”

        “Really? How many other coworkers did you joke about marriage jewelry with?”

        (OW had a $39,000 ring from her fiancé that she could have to give up if she went with Cheater, so apparently he had promised to go one better. Thing is, he forgot about 3 kids and a suburban colonial house with 2 mortgages)

  • First long-term affair (that I know of):
    Please ask your girlfriend to stop calling my office.
    Second one he married while I was at work one day and we were still (I thought happily) married:
    Did you get on your knees to propose?

      • It wasn’t a real ceremony, just some bullshit he cooked up so SHE wouldn’t cheat on HIM. They did exchange rings and vows in front of her family and friends. Oh, the irony! Everyone in attendance that day knew he was married, and most of them had met me. There are a lot of shitty people in the world.
        The OW was the one to tell me about it after he dumped her post DDay.
        The monster actually tried to defend himself: “at least we didn’t go to the Justice of the Peace”.
        Yeah, because THAT would have been bigamy and against the law.
        I really wish that they had tried to get a license; would have saved me years of abuse if he’d been arrested and I found out why.

        • In case I didn’t make it clear: I was totally in the dark about his relationship with our neighbor.
          I worked a demanding job because he unilaterally decided that he would retire at 50 but I would need to continue to work. We needed the health insurance and income so he could fritter away over $60K on “wifey number two” (his words).
          Meanwhile wifey number one (?) kept up the house and yard and did all the cooking and laundry. Because he was “retired”.
          I want those 10 years back!!!!

          • Those years are the kicker for me too.

            I remember even back then when it hit thinking; I want to rewind back ten years; I would be thirty and yes I would have a ten year old son, but I would have made different decisions had I know I was married to a cheater and liar.

            Even if I had decided to stay in the marriage, I would have doubled up on college classes, and gone to work full time much sooner.

            I was luckier than many as I got out at age 40; but it still is the thought of those years loving a lying cheat. How he must have reveled in that.

            They steal years of our life from us.

            • “They steal years of our life from us”.

              Yes, they do. They steal time, oportunity, energy, health, money and our innocence. They come only to steal, kill and destroy.

          • Klootzak tried to do the same; wanted to retire at 46 and I was supposed to keep working because his military pension was not going to be enough to pay the bills. I told him no, he needed to find work and he whined and cried to his father that I was “forcing” him to work. The majority of his military career was spent at a desk. He did a total of two deployments and never faced the danger those sent to Iraq and Afghanistan did. But he tried to claim he has PTSD because he said if he could get 100% disability, THEN he would not have to work. I guess he needs more free time to chase around!

  • He said, “I can’t believe I have 2 beautiful women fighting over me.”
    I said , “I am your WIFE, I’m not fighting anyone.”
    WTF?

    • Got something along these lines, as the wreckonciliation failed (due to her continuing cheating – thank God): “you didn’t fight for me”. I told her that as her loyal husband of 20 years I was not going to wrestle in the mud for her amusement with the pig she chose to replace me (after knowing him for what? 2 years tops?) and that she should be happy with the choice she made. Few months later he kicked her sorry ass to the curb.

      Just today (few hours ago) she called “the kids” crying and asked to talk to me. Just to say that she was “thinking of us (me and her)”. I told her to think of another thing, since there’s no more “us”. FW has a new boyfriend now, but old habits (cheating) die hard. “Holy hoover attempt, batman!”, as Tracy says. 😂

  • We ended up in financial dire straights due to FW affair with a customer employee at work. I uncovered the affair.
    Now, when our daughter was younger, like 20 years ago, she had to get braces. FW would joke with her that she was wearing his new car engine on her teeth. Then he’d occasionally say smile so I can see my engine. It was all in fun and she’d even make a reving engine sound and laugh while doing it.
    Jump ahead 20 years, FW has an affair, financial dire straights hit due to affair fall out.
    We are still in same house, that’s as far as it goes. One night he has the dumbassery dumbness to ask…..so how much do you think I could possible spend on a second car? I said you mean a “project fun car”? Yeah, FW replies. I laughed so hard I snorted. Then I said remember when you’d ask our daughter to see your motor and she’d laugh and show you her braces, he smiles wistfully and says yeah. I said well why don’t you get ahold of your AP and ask for a picture of her p^$$y and you can stare at your car all day any day. He stopped looking wistful and smiling.
    One more month and I’ll be able to file for divorce. Cha-ching alimony.

    • Congratulations! You came up with the best retort at the right time!

      (don’t you hate when you think of it too late?)

    • that is outstandingly brilliant. I actually am very impressed. Usually these kinds of dead-on, not-just-swearing-nastiness remarks evade me until hours later when I’m furiously raging about the conversation. You win today.

    • Thank You Chumpoutahere for the laugh!
      I was having one of those bad days being that I am in the discovery phase of divorce. I was blindsided in July by who I thought was a loving wife of 18 years.
      CL, CN and this blog helps so much on these tough days.

      • I wish I had found this site when I was 6 or 8 months in. It’s raw now, but hang in there. Tuesday does come.

      • Keep moving forward. Trust your heart. Fight for what’s right & focus on healing.

        Tuesday will come little by little.

        One day you will be so proud of yourself and thrive!

        I’ve been where you are. I’m here now.
        It’s awesome(but hard work)

      • Stay strong, my friend, you’ll get to the other side of this. This is hard and hurts like hell, but it’s survivable. You’ve come to the right place. Rooting for you!

    • 🤣🤣🤣
      👏👏👏
      Outstanding!!!
      My mom is also quick on the trigger and I have some fond memories of her timely, hilarious retorts to my cheating father.

  • When 20 year prostitute habit was revealed.
    One of the crazy responses was, but I didn’t even know there names. WTF

      • Ong the “ clean “ comment😖
        While I was fighting constant vaginal infections ( while living healthy lifestyle, taking care of my body, and trying to figure out wTF is happening with my lady parts) which ( I know now) were caused by my h’s soft spot for hookers, women, trans etc.
        my h said to me “ but they were clean”

        It left me speechless.
        My h has two masters and a PhD- yet, he was too stupid to know how you contract STD’s or how you spread it
        Mic drop

        • Yep! This was me, constant infections. There was a time where I was in horrible pain probably every other month and kept pissing blood. I’d get a UTI and it would get serious immediately. Went to doctors, couldn’t figure out what was happening, felt dirty and disgusting. It went on a couple of years. And then it was my fault we couldn’t have as much sex because of “my issues.” I went crazy about hygiene, only wore cotton underwear, no thongs, cornstarch so I wouldn’t get as damp from sweat while exercising, all things he disliked and mocked me for.

          He was having sex with peoples’ assholes and then with me. I know that now. He was the dirty one, he was knowingly harming me and then insulting me and mocking me while I tried to deal with the harm he caused. It broke me. I cried in doctors offices. It blows my mind that so many people don’t recognize that as abuse.

          • This is so much like my story; feeling sick and dirty and ashamed because a fuckwit was evil enough to engage in risky sex with strangers and come home WITHOUT WASHING to have sex with their unwitting partner. They’re filth.
            You deserved so much more than that; we all did.

          • Infuriating.

            I am pretty sure he and his whores were into anal. The reason I think so is I was pretty available when he wanted to try new positions, new locations etc; but one night he asked about anal (this was about a year before Dday). I said no, I was uncomfortable with that. Well by then unknown to me, he had been fucking strange for years. I imagine whore let him do anal, and he wanted to feel it with me.

            I was clean about myself too. And though I was fine with oral, I always wanted him and me to be freshly showered. And then when it hit the fan I was disgusted knowing what I had been an unwitting partner of.

            • “I was disgusted knowing what I had been an unwitting partner of”.

              ☝☝☝ OMG, this!

              They unilaterally decide to make us partners (by transitivity, but in a very concrete sense of germs and viruses and fluids, for god’s sake) of strangers, and very filthy strangers at that. This boggles my mind everytime I think about it and revulses my stomach. 🤢🤮

            • Whores aren’t into anal, if by “whores” you mean female sex workers, probably less than 5% allow anal with clients. Female sex workers aren’t into anal any more than the rest of the female population is. Plus not only is it risky but it requires a quite a bit of extra of preparation to be done properly, so the few who do do it charge quite a lot extra for it.

              Your husband was cheating on you with men/transwomen- he just used hookers as an excuse because he probably thought it’d sound more palatable.

              • No he wasn’t using propitiates. Just town whores. He married the exit whore.

                I can also say with certainty that there were no dudes involved. Lol.

                I really don’t know what he and his whores did, I just know he ask me and I said no. And quite honestly it didn’t seem to bother him that I said no. But interesting information.

                I don’t really know what other women like or don’t like.

          • Uh 🙄 My best friend is having unexplained bouts of bacterial vaginosis. I think her husband is cheating on her.

            • That’s what I got, I had no idea what was going on. And then UTIs. Again, very worrisome. And then….. herpes and HPV at the same time. Tell her.

          • Dear Katie,

            your (I hope ex-)partner is a pig.
            So sorry you’ve been so abused and humiliated by this sorry excuse for a pig. What he did to you was heinous. The utter disregard for our health that these fuckwits show verges on the criminal. They don’t care if they kill us, as long as they got their swinely jollies.

            My heart goes out for you. (((Hughs)))

          • I think they get off on that. Knowing that they are ‘dirty’ and having sex with their spouse. It is both a turn on for them and a big FU in their head to us. It’s disgusting and frightening at the same time.

      • Ong the “ clean “ comment😖
        While I was fighting constant vaginal infections ( while living healthy lifestyle, taking care of my body, and trying to figure out wTF is happening with my lady parts) which ( I know now) were caused by my h’s soft spot for hookers, women, trans etc.
        my h said to me “ but they were clean”

        It left me speechless.
        My h has two masters and a PhD- yet, he was too stupid to know how you contract STD’s or how you spread it
        Mic drop
        You can’t make up this shit

        • Of all the heinous betrayals and boundary violations cheaters do, bringing their whores and AP’s into our homes is the all time LOWEST and speaks volumes about their “character”. The fact that Whore was in my matrimonial mattress…
          There’s a special place in hell for both of them.

          • I also felt that extra twist of the knife when my safety zone was violated by his twisted desire to bring APs into our marital bed.
            I was annihilated when he told me that he had sex throughout our home, including every bed and every soft surface.
            I felt as if there was no safe place in my own home.
            I can’t fathom the level of disrespect that entails, to destroy the sanctuary of your loving partner for a cheap thrill on top of the cheap thrill of cheating in the first place.
            I carried a much larger work and financial burden in the marriage, even though he was retired and had more income.
            It was always lopsided, like anyone here knows. Looking back, I bet most of you will realize that the entitlement was already showing but you were too happy and eager to do everything in your power to make the fuckwit’s life better.
            You didn’t see the sacrifices you had to make for them, your love goggles made you blind to the lack of reciprocity.
            You gave, they took. It felt normal and right. You took abuse and never labeled it such. Looking back I now have clarity, but in the middle of all that was happening behind my back – I thought I was happy.
            I thought I was happy but still crying every night *for no reason* and occasionally self-harming as any “happy” person does. My body knew what my mind refused to believe: that I was being abused emotionally, verbally and physically and he was cheating again. I totally ignored it. I could blame it on disassociation, but for decades? I did play a part in this in the sense that I was willing to settle for so little in exchange for giving so much.
            We are all worth so much more than that.

            • I feel your words so much!
              Wrote something like that on another post just yesterday.
              It’s been good at least to not feel alone in our predicament by knowing other people felt and feel the same way. Alas, too many people.

          • “There’s a special place in hell for both of them”. Amen!

            FW tried to push the matrimonial mattress on me when we were splitting furniture. Funny thing she would keep anything of value, except what she didn’t like, but the mattress she wanted me to have it. The same mattress over which both our sons were conceived, that she defiled with her AP. It must have been a power trip for her, and pushing the mattress on me was part of it. I told her to burn it.

            All my new home mattresses and furniture (everything someone could possibly fuck on or inside of) are brand new. Only furniture from my office was taken back, but I want to believe that she couldn’t fuck over my desk or inside my bookshelfs. 🤣

            • Fw bought a really nice top of the line, water bed for us about two years before he left. Had drawers, shelves the whole shabang. (it was the late 80s)

              Per our legal separation I got all the furniture except his office stuff. I sold the water bed for three hundred dollars. Pissed him off royally.

              I also sold that fucking wood stove, so he had to either replace it, or get more heating elements in the house. I am betting he had to put a furnace back in the house when he tried to sell it. But he moved his mother in there at first, so she probably paid for it.

              I am sure he used that waterbed for him and his main whore, and any other one that would come by while I was visiting my dad out of state.

            • Oh and I kind of screwed myself over on the wood stove, because the electric heat was inadequate and I had to spend another winter in that house. So I wore warm clothes, pumped the baseboard heat up to high, and used safe area heaters at night. He had to pay the electric bills so no biggie.

              I did keep the doors under the sinks open and the sink running on the really bad nights, so he didn’t have to pay for fixing pipes, but mostly so I didn’t have to deal with the mess of frozen pipes.

              I thought our D would take six month, but due to him dragging his feet the last six months it took a year.

          • Lol if by whores you mean sex workers- they don’t owe you anything. Most of the time they don’t even know about your existence, let alone have any friendship, relations or even acquaintance with you. It’s not their job to protect your marriage. Not only that but they wouldn’t have even known about your husband’s existence either if he hadn’t went out of his way to find them, contact them and request to see them in exchange for providing a fee. It seems you have yet to even comprehend that your husbands was the one that fully initiated the betrayal not the third party who doesn’t even know you.

  • He drove around town at 5 in the morning, to find me while I was on my walk, to tell me his affair partner was now upset with him as he is crying his eyes out. My response “Are you seriously wanting me to comfort you about this?”

    • I am beginning to see that these effin cheaters seem to all be about five heats old emotionally. They can’t think, decide, do, evaluate, choose, anything adult.

    • Yeah, mine told me that his therapist (I insisted on counseling after the first of what would be many DDays spread out over decades) told him that HE needed support from ME because he was made to break up with his girlfriend at the time.
      Wow, I actually paid for that crap advice!
      Of course it’s possible that was a lie; he never would tell the truth if it meant any consequences for him.

      • Our RIC counselor said that I needed to understand if he had the sadz over breaking up with his AP. WTH? Which one? He had over 50 that I could count based on the info in his burner phone. Which one was he going to be sad about leaving? I didn’t even bother asking.

        Klootzak never pretended to be sad about losing anyone. How could he? I’m certain he never dropped contact with the ones he wanted to keep on.

  • You can’t cheat on me and shatter my heart, and then expect me to comfort your sadness that things aren’t the way they to be.

      • Yep. STBX once woke me up out of a sound sleep, during the time I knew he was cheating and he refused to stop it, to get me to comfort him because Schmoopie sent him a message that was ambiguous, and he was terrified his relationship with her (his friend’s 11-year girlfriend) was about to be exposed, and that all his friend’s friends were going to call him out.

        I was like, are you serious right now? I hope that IS what’s happening! Good! But then he revealed oh by the way, Schmoopie’s partner is actually a convicted felon with a reputation for violence. Great, thanks for bringing THAT into the family’s life. So then I did start to think about well what should we do here.

        Then, randomly, Schmoopie messaged him that she would never jeopardize their twu wuv by letting something like that happen to him, and I was once again discarded, the lovebirds made up their misunderstanding.

  • In response to his, “I hope we can be friends”

    “I am particular about who my friends are”

    I still can’t believe he even ask that after the horror he had just put me through.

    • I got this too. And also “We are still family-we will always be family!”

      Like the Manson family?!?

      Their idiocy has no f’in bounds.

      • Ya my x basically gaslight and stonewalled me (major flat shark eyes while he refused to leave the house and basically emotionally abused my teen children and I while I worked my ass off to get out of the situation). He made a comment that we will always be family and I replied “nope, family has your back and now this is a family of 3” (he responded with shark eyes). He used to be an amazing Dad but now he acts like he was a sperm donor. My kids know I will always be there for them and that’s not the case with Dad (me for the win).

      • I think that “we will always be family” shit is new age bullshit pushed on TV and movies.

        I lost contact with my mother in law who meant a lot to me because of his lying cheating ass. They don’t care who they screw over.

        And yes they would love it if we swallowed the shit sandwiches lived with constant pain; just to make them feel better.

  • Oh my! There are bunches of them:
    1. Really everyone sends pictures of their private parts to their friends? Wow, I must not have any good friends.
    2. What, friends give each other underwear? Wow, I never got underwear or gave underwear to my friends
    3. You have to masturbate? Well, I guess at least you are having sex with someone you love.
    4. Ok, let me get this right? You have to support her and her kids from our money? And you did not think this would piss me off?
    5. The words “ run it through the attorneys” is not being uncooperative, it means that I am not engaging with you.

    I am sure there are more but I know I will see them from others here because they pretty much have a script. Yep, he was supporting a Schmoopie with two kids who is 32 years younger than him. He also thought I would not be upset because she really needed the money. What a Fuck Wit!

  • In regards to his 20-something schmoopie in our kids Catholic high school that was our 14 year old daughters sports coach ‘she’s innocent in all this’.

    • I got that, too. ‘Don’t blame her! If you want blame someone, blame me!’
      I’d seen her texts, though. They were hunting each other big time. So, I’ll put the blame where it belongs! He wanted her to look like an innocent flower 🤢 Nope! I know what you both are- selfish punks.

    • “She’s innocent in all this.” Yes, I got that too. Even with all of his lies and subterfuge, I figured out who she was and found her on social media, so I guess he thought I might try to connect with her somehow and call her out? Ugh, hardly. She was an adult (even though she was 30 years younger than him) making adult choices, but my guess is that he won’t be her last fling. Consequences will catch up to her eventually.

      • When they defend the AP you should know where you stand in the equation. I didn’t learn that lesson the first time, or even the 2nd or 3rd. But I “get it” now.

        • They don’t always defend the OW. My FW tried to throw her under the bus with
          “She was aggressive towards me”
          Poor baby.

      • Mine found his AP because I, an introvert, finally made a friend over several years at kids’ sports. One day when they each couldn’t be at a game, I gave a play by play over group text.

        He used that to contact her independently, solicit pics and eventually transition to a secret messaging app and hotel dates. His later excuse was the substance abuse problem he developed after losing his job when the pandemic started, and which he managed to conceal for over a year (along with the affair). Even in rehab he failed to disclose it until her husband told me months after he found out… and after my STBX had me on the path to reconciliation.

        But nah, I’m petty if I’m *also* pissed at her because she “didn’t solicit it.” WTF? She didn’t hesitate tho…

    • Because we don’t trust them. That’s the natural consequence of being dishonest. It’s like that part of their brain never developed. We are reacting rationally. They are are in some altered universe of non logic. I wish their heads would implode.

    • I got that too! My ex even said “It hurts me that you think I would betray you” after I’ve found her secret texts. Like wtf is even going on in her head? She’s already betrayed me but my reaction to it is the problem?

  • My favorite FW expression at that time was
    “You can’t put my dick in your purse”
    I was so shocked that he would say that to HIS WIFE
    (What a ridiculous conversation, I can’t believe that I am part of this, I thought to myself…)
    I couldn’t EVEN respond to that.
    Run
    The truth was that he cheated on his first wife and broke that family too
    Wish I knew he was a serial before I married him
    He’s now getting married for the 3rd time //#no-introspection.
    Have a great weekend everyone!!!!
    LIS

    • I also got that during the (not surprisingly unsuccessful) marriage police phase. Must be a line straight out of The Handbook.

    • No introspection! Lol. Isn’t it NUTS how cheater fuck faces just love to be in “committed relationships”?
      Xhole lives in big house (he said ours was too much maintenance) with his Mistress (we are still legally married) and her two teen daughters (we have two teen daughters as well).
      It’s like changing pants for this arse as he now has the same tax write offs with them.
      Just sickening.

  • In response to how “nice” and “Christian” the OW is…..
    “NICE, Christian ladies don’t FUCK other women’s husbands!”

    Their texts referred to me as his “ex-wife”. That was 3 years ago.

    We would be married 30 years this summer. Served him early last year & he has been dragging his feet. He’s on his second attorney now. Lots & lots of other AP’s it turns out. I’m sure what I know now is just the tip of the iceberg.

    Oh, and for the record….I’M A VERY NICE, CHRISTIAN LADY.

      • Nice Christian Women *and* Men follow the Ten Commandments. They don’t happen to pick and choose which ones apply to them. Ya know, like skipping over numbers 6, 8, 9; and, in some cases, 10.

        When I asked Cheater#2’s whore exactly this after she proclaimed she was a “Christian Mom”. Cue surprised Pikachu face. Then she tried to sputter some bullshit about forgiveness. Told her Jesus offers divine forgiveness but I most definitely do not.

        • Every– and I mean EVERY– coworker who participated in flirking (work-flirting) with FW after his promotion was an alcoholic evangelical. All were in relationships or married, so definably Jesus-cheaters.

          We lived in a blue state where evangelicals (and one Mormon) are so thin on the ground that it looks like he managed to round up all of them until he found one willing to follow through and have an affair with him. Imagine the odds. Alcoholics are pretty common in that state but not hyper-Christian alcoholics. Yes, post-D-Day shock stage I sluethed Insta and Pinterest accounts: mucho Jesus memes.

          Is it a coincidence his mother has been a member of a religious cult for 40 years? I think not. If you add in that they all had big jaws and short necks, it gets extra incest-y.

          Meanwhile I’m third gen agnostic. The “why them” is easy. The hard part to figure is why me? I guess people tend to return to factory setting by middle age no matter how much they tried to rebel in their youth.

          • “I guess people tend to return to factory setting by middle age no matter how much they tried to rebel in their youth”.

            WOW, this is brilliant and has much truth to it (albeit I am still rebellious at middle age – my FW XMIL told my eldest son that he is as rebellious as me and I am very proud of that; not planning to revert to factory setting before dementia sets in).

            About Jesus cheaters, my FW XW is sort of one of them. Her status on social media is “Nihil Amori Christi Praeponere” from Saint Benedict’s Rule. At one point she entertained the thought of wearing a veil to the Mass (not kidding). Oh, and she claims to have actually seen Jesus sitting by her side at the Mass one day 🙄.

            I hope she and AP enjoy the violent winds at the second circle of hell.

            I will be spending my time scattered back through nature and freed from this curse of self-counsciousness. 😉

            • My ex was playing the family man which included Church, and he had a good relationship with our preacher (who had no clue what a liar he was).

              I don’t really call him a Jesus Cheater though, because Jesus had nothing to do with it.

              Our preacher rained down the Gospel truth on him when he found out what the con artist was trying to pull off.

              Please not to all: I am not offended by the term, I just don’t blame Jesus for something he did, anymore than I blame myself.

              Sin comes from the heart of the sinner. I might call him a Satan Cheater, but I think taking my fw down was one of Satan’s easier jobs.

              All kidding aside I do think my fw was a very, very troubled man and had been since he was a kid. Unfortunately, he made no effort to change himself; and he thought he would be able to keep his status and just switch out women.

              He got to keep the whore, but his status and his life’s work (our life’s work) was gone.

              • ” I think taking my fw down was one of Satan’s easier jobs”. 😂

                Sure Satan haven’t have to offer him much more than a whore’s attention in order to make him jump from the pinacle of his life. Sure your XH thought some angel named Susie would grab him by the feet on his fall. 😉

                Still on the religion issue, one of the many things my FW robbed me of was my faith, and it was long before DDay. I just couldn’t put up anymore with the hypocrisy of a lot of religious people in our midst (her and my XMIL specially included). Stumbling block, much?

                I can’t say I am really sad for being faithless, I think in my case it was an upgrade, because there were tons of cognitive dissonance involved for me.

                I was raised catholic, but rebelled in my youth, met FW as an atheist and after a couple of crises (FW-manufactured chaos) I turned to church for help. I was psychologically broken by then, and having exhausted all the attempted secular explanations for what was going on with my marriage, I would take whatever explanation and medicine the holy mother church, with all her staunch defense of the marriage, offered me. And I took them all. But it did require a lot of suspension of disbelieve at my end. Saint Augustine once said that if it wasn’t for the roman catholic church’s authority (political hegemony?) he would not be able to believe and Tertullian said he believed *because* it was absurd. I think I was sort of walking on those men shoes, but the authority I was giving in to was my FW’s.

                I had a somewhat long stint as a roman catholic in the middle of the marriage, but it did not smoothened things out, to the contrary. I am very ashamed of this period of self-imposed falsification of my world view.

                I think the roman catholic teachings on the indissolubility of the marriage and on the overall condemnation of abortion are harmful to millions of the faithful. Let alone the whole child abuse and cover up issue that is outright “satanic”.

                I think it was Washington University’s professor Rodney Stark who once put forward the idea that the church regulations on mariage and abortion were actually welcomed by the average roman woman (specially the ones not pertaining to the noble classes) by the time of the apostolate of Peter and Paul and their successors, because these things would oftenly be forced on them by the average roman pater familia in detriment of women’s and children’s safety and health (don’t know if I buy this, though). But times have a-changed and the church stands still. Francis looks to be trying to stir things up but the structure is just too heavy for an old man to tackle.

                As for divorce, I think the reformed church is way more reasonable than the catholic church, by allowing divorce to be sought by the innocent victim of adultery or sexual creepiness (and this is indeed in the St. Matthew’s gospel, as you certainly know, Susie). But it is still too little (imo) and I think that the secular law has made an incomparably better job at protecting people from abuse.
                Not to mention in which conditions divorce entered the reformed church, under the patronage of a psycopath, wife murderer Henry VIII.

                Too much of a digression, but it’s only to offer some background on my bitterness over religion and to assure you that nonetheless I respect the subject (and its subjects) very much. Besides, I really like to talk to you, Susie. 🙂

          • My STBXW was president of the women’s guild at our Catholic Church and reading Calling Jesus while having 2 affairs. On our computer there are pictures of her crowning the Blessed Mother sandwiched between pictures of her APs. To boot I was going through chemotherapy for cancer at the time. She was a Eucharistic Minister. Amazing how she could separate the two. She was screwing the church and school’s maintenance guy in his office at church.
            Her church friends don’t want to believe it and feel that it was me who drove her to it because she told them I was “verbally, psychologically and emotionally abusive”. She read the book gone girl and used that strategy. As if the cheating and betrayal aren’t bad enough the slandering and character assassination sucks as well. I am a respected surgeon in the community and have to deal with this. I am 7 months post Dday and at times it is still as raw as the day I found out. She goes around without a care in the world. I have not given her any kibble but it is a constant shit sandwich.

            • “She was a Eucharistic Minister. Amazing how she could separate the two”.

              Wow, they’re big at separating things, aren’t they? This is not that shocking coming from her when, if I recall correctly, she is also a nurse and refrained from driving you to and back from chemotherapy. They don’t really believe in anything. They don’t have the enough depth to take anything seriously.

              If she did believe what she payed lip service to, she would believe she was touching Jesus’ body with the same hands and mouth she touched her man-whore. She would be frightened to go straight to hell.

              I noticed that same hypocrisy in my FW XW that is serendipitously enough also a “very catholic” health professional, one that never gave a flying fuck to my health.

    • People who are actually nice get a bit piqued if called such because genuinely nice people fear being perceived as pushovers. It’s dangerous. They’ll always point out to you times or ways they showed some gumption, shot back or caught a snake in action.

      In contrast, snakes and predators hanker to be called “nice” and constantly self label as “nice” because “nice” to them is so inaccessible and exotic.

      • That’s an interesting comment. My mom, who is indeed quite nice and wonderful, is always being called “nice” by her coworkers and she assumes they do it because they think she is a pushover. And she may be right. They do seem to try taking advantage of her. She keeps trying to come up with witty retorts back to defend herself and I told her to just simply say “thank you” and move along.

    • Oh don’t get me started on the “nice Christian” thing.

      He was a “good Christian” as was his exw that he cheated on for years. She finally divorced him (only because adultery is the only acceptable) biblical reason. He insisted it wasn’t because of his cheating. Yes, that was a huge red flag that I ignored because I had never been love-bombed, or even loved, by my EXH.

      As I wasn’t a “good Christian woman” I dumped his ass immediately, as I had no pressure to reconcile.

      Now he’s with a “good Christian woman” “like his wife”. Which means she is more likely to accept his cheating, as reconciling is the Christian way. (Sorry to call you out like that, but Christianity is not fair in relationships).

      • I’ve thought a lot about the Christian forgiveness thing. And I’ve decided we generally misapply the forgiveness, forgetting that it is supposed to be preceded by repentance. Not a thing for most of our situations. Instead I’m going with the “don’t cast your pearls before swine” verse. My ex was definitely swine and he gets no more pearls from me.

  • hmmm.

    i had a moment when he disclosed his sub-basement and started talking about BDSM he desired/deserved, including air play (choking) that my internal narrator went WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? followed by THIS GUY IS NUTS AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

    this after 30 years of marriage and no mention of any kink.

    can i just say i don’t wish to be a minor character in my marriage.

    • I had a moment like that, too. My now-ex had declared he was “a woman in a man’s body” (a biological impossibility, although gender dysphoria is a real phenomenon), and followed that up immediately with “I’m a masochist. I want to be punished. I want to play the part of a woman. I want to be penetrated.”

      I sat there thinking, “what does masochism and punishment have to do with being a woman? And, why is the first thing you think about being a woman sexual, and getting “penetrated”? And also, why would you think I’d be up for “punishing” you?

      I hadn’t yet learned about autogynephilia, the sexual paraphilia in which a man is turned on by imagining himself a woman.

      • Why do they never imagine their “feminine sides” cleaning the gunk under the kitchen counter or getting up in the middle of the night to feed screaming infants?

        Mysteries.

        • Dire period pain where you feel like your insides are being torn out + accompanying headache, but having to work a full day and behave normally. That’s very erotic.

          Emptying the dishwasher while bellowing at your children to, for the love of pete, brush their teeth and GO TO SCHOOL.

          I should definitely write erotic fiction, lol.

          • Harlequin awaits your submission.

            Erotic fiction with all the real life stuff included is basically Isabel Allende. She did okay for herself. 😉

            • Come to think of it, that reminds me of a song by Brazil’s former minister of culture Gilberto Gil’s song O Amor Aqui la Casa that starts “Menstruation stops…”

              That song filled stadiums. Don’t knock the market value of your graphic tendencies. 😀

        • Thank you! You just made my day! My ex texted me yesterday asking what I used to clean the bathrooms because he needs to do his. He has been living there for almost two years now. I’m pretty sure he had to explore the hell out of his feminine side to clean up that much bathroom funk.

          • Men who call themselves “feminist” or “ally” who don’t know how to load a dishwasher or change a diaper lol.

      • Wow, I thought I was the only one! My ex-husband told me almost exactly the same thing. Somehow he managed to get bottom surgery without the standard year of therapy, and then immediately regretted it. I was gone by then, but (back on-topic) at one point had to tell him that I felt it was more important for me to take our only vehicle to visit my father *on his deathbed* than for him to travel 4 hours away to “see [my 5-year-old granddaughter]” whose arm was broken. Note that this accident had occurred about a month previously and the kid was doing fine. I managed to go see my father and then came home to an apartment full of Post-It notes calling me every name in the book. Guess he [yeah, he’s now back to living as a man with the accompanying pronouns and minus the male genitalia] got flustered when he couldn’t meet up with whoever he was actually wanting to see. (I don’t know and I don’t want to know.)

        • I didn’t have to wonder; he cheated with men as well and he wanted to dress as a woman while being penetrated.
          He was definitely NOT passable so he didn’t get many takers.
          Another sad confession from him, trying to elicit pity from me.
          I couldn’t muster any tears for him.

      • Yes! Thank you! These fucking perverted men who claim they’re actually women because they want to be used and abused and fucked as women should be used and abused and fucked. That’s their fucked up misogynistic reasoning.

        And it’s like hey asshole, you aren’t trans, you’re just a degenerate pervert who hates women and doesn’t see us as human beings. We’re just a costume for them to put on when they have gross, demeaning sex.

        But I’m a bigot for saying that and that’s why I don’t have a sister anymore. Oh well, I don’t miss her.

    • Daughter dated/lived with asshat 10 years , then married 1 year , 2 daughters , and he decided to be polyamourous and then transgender. All I could go was SMH. Of course they are divorced now , but his behaviour is really messing with the girls heads. What are you going to do?

  • I enjoyed many idiotic responses, in retrospect, after time had passed. So many choices. . . how about this one “If I pay my fair share of expenses for the children, and take them on weekends, I will not be able to afford to date, or have time to date.” Not my problem, dude.

    He did have enough sense to agree he could not handle the kids during the week, with school and activities, and medical appointments. Which left the weekends. So, how many weekends do you want? The kids told him they wanted to see him, not be extra’s on his dates. What a dilemma, be a father, or date inappropriate women. Cue to question, define inappropriate? Start with, all your choices so far. Co-parenting with a FW is NOT fun.

    • “Co-parenting with a FW is NOT fun”.

      No, it’s not, I hear you.

      “If I pay my fair share of expenses for the children, and take them on weekends, I will not be able to afford to date, or have time to date.”

      My FW XW never had the honesty to put that down in words, but along 20 years of marriage I developed the unenviable ability to read her mind in order to (try and) prevent the next chaos. That’s why not paying her fair share of expenses for the children entered the settlement by my request (I bought the little peace I have). As for the weekends, it should be hers by our 50/50 custody agreement, but just yesterday (a saturday) I picked up my kids from her house at 3pm after having turning them over to her the last thursday 9am. This is all so that she can “have time to date” tomorrow with a new boyfriend (not AP – this is the sixth men in less than two years) that she already tried to cheat on with me twice (for the record: I will never touch her again with a barge pole).

      “The kids told him they wanted to see him, not be extra’s on his dates”.

      FW likes to take our kids on her dates too. She has done so with at least two different men and was planning to have a pool party with my kids at her AP’s house in a militia controlled area (I was able to avert this shit). My eldest son told something similar (but less eloquently) to what your kids said to their father; to his therapist he was more open and told that he was feeling jealous of the time and attention her mom was lavishing on her boyfriend (lovebombing phase, much?).

      Breeding with fuckwits is definitely the gift that keeps on giving as Tracy says.

  • When he told me he was polyamorous, therefore I wasn’t allowed to be mad when I discovered he had a fiancee the whole fucking time:

    “Uninformed polyamory is called cheating, dipshit.”

    • If you watch Yellowstone, one of the main characters, Beth Dutton, has a saying. “I don’t speak dipshit.” I have it on a T shirt I wear under my scrubs at work. 🙂

  • People who have been “basically brother and sister for years” don’t usually have a one year old child together.

  • There are so many things that were said that made me think he had lost his marbles ( seriously thought he must have a brain tumour).

    He is a Minister- so I gave him the benefit of my doubt for far too long. A few of the good ones:

    1. It isn’t anyone’s business where we stayed at that conference. Except the two of you are both ministers on a church related conference, both married to other people -not staying in the appointed hotel with the others in your group. And my kids keep calling and you are not where you said you would be. You lied to us, your colleagues and your congregation.

    2. She needs me to counsel her. She’s in a bad marriage!!!
    Yes – because she’s having an affair with you.

    3. I think Miss Piggy and her 3 kids should move in with us – her marriage is terrible. He was sleeping with her at this point and obviously delusional.

    4. It’s not what you think. No – it turned out to be much much worse than I could imagine.

    Glad to be away from the FW parade. They are now married and I hope they enjoy many many years of togetherness 🤪🤪🤪

    • I still sometimes wonder if he has a brain problem, but now I know it doesn’t matter, his behavior is not acceptable to me. He’s an adult and I can’t force him to get an evaluation and that’s life. Thank you CL and CN!

      • Honestly I think my ex was a sick puppy. I mean it was no excuse for how he treated me and others. He had to know when he was living a double life how wrong and sick it was.

        He went on to do such stupid stuff, that I still have trouble believing it sometimes these many years later. How could a person who had to know how wrong they were not want to seek help.

        • Susie Lee…same here. I just found out on DD1-Dec 18 and DD2-Jan 20, that my partner of 15 years was living a secret double life for years…and I had no clue.

          I found phone records, emails and online activities of some pretty disgusting, vile, despicable UNPROTECTED sex acts that he was doing with probably hundreds of women, men and couples…I wanted to vomit it was so traumatizing.

          Clearly he knew it was wrong and that it would totally devastate me when I found out…but he continued for years. He is some kind of disgusting abusive sex addict…and I’m so glad I kicked him to the fucking curb.

          I just need to focus on healing from this nightmare that he’s put me in. I still have a hard time believing he was capable of this treachery…he presented so loving and good…such a mindfuck.

          • I am so sorry that happened to you. It is indeed life shattering.

            I can only say what others do, you will get better; lots better. Some pain main remain, but you will learn to manage and resolve it as your full life goes on.

            I honestly don’t know much of what my ex did. And Dday was Christmas day, (these fuckers love to blow up Christmas) When he left a week after Dday, he said he had been “dating” for ten years, and that he never loved me. Yes in his mind it was dating.

            I just remember standing there and thinking, wait a minute while I was giving myself to him body, heart and soul he was involved with other women. It was all a lie, I had a son with someone who didn’t even love me.

            I had always know he had a selfish streak; but I honestly thought we were in a solid marriage. That was the image he was portraying to me and in the community. We spent a lot of time together at home and at events, hanging out with friends etc. I don’t know how he hid it.

            This was back in the day before social media, or even internet so that likely helped. Also, I was never a suspicious type. But he hid it from a lot of folks.

            • Thank you, Susie Lee. I felt the same way. It’s so hard to believe how deceitful these fuckers are. He lied into my eyes when he said I was the only one and he could never betray me, so I shouldn’t worry about it. The lies are unbelievable. It made me question my own reality. I still can’t believe what he was capable of.

              Even after the ddays he still claimed to love me…WTF?!?! Sorry, but we obviously have different definitions of love, motherfucker.

              I asked him why he just didn’t let me go instead of stringing me along all these years…that would’ve been the kind thing to do. He clearly wasn’t happy just having sex with me…”boring monogamous sex”. I saw on an online forum that he wrote sex with me “was more like a chore”. Fuck you, asshole.

              I think I’m in the anger stage, which is good. But it still hurts so much. That someone who pretends to love you and care for you and is committed to you can do such evil things to you for so long, with no thought of what it will do when you find out…is seriously fucked.

              • ” That someone who pretends to love you and care for you and is committed to you can do such evil things to you for so long, with no thought of what it will do when you find out…is seriously fucked.”

                It is fucked up. But also, I think a lot of times they do it because it serves them. Obviously they are getting their thrills (dupers delight) but also like in my fws case; he was getting the family image, I was working in the community and politics to better his chances of succeeding in getting more status and power.

                He started the year of discard just a couple months after he got the brass ring at work. (captains bars and a private office). I think the plan was to start treating me so badly I would kick him out and he could drag whore out of the alley and put her up as the new love.

                Unfortunately for him, someone filed an ethics complaint and his lies and cons were busted wide open. (No it wasn’t me) I had started to become suspicious, but I never suspected his direct report. I didn’t think he was that stupid. Guess again. He was.

              • Exactly. You go ahead and feel whatever you feel because that is a seriously F’ed up situation.

          • I’m so sorry. I went through something similar. My (now ex) husband of 20 years turned out to be a horrifying sex addict. I lost everything and everyone except for my son. People I considered family were just his fuck buddies, some I’d known our entire marriage. We were like the perfect couple, he gushed about how much he loved me. It was all fake. These men who do this are complete and utter psychopaths. There’s just no way a normal person can do this, especially not for so long.

            It is incredibly traumatizing. Please be kind to yourself. It does get better but it takes time. My DDay was July 27, 2020. I’m doing ok now but it still washes over me in a nauseating wave occasionally. But it gets better. You’re right to focus on healing, you’ll get there.

            I got big into yoga. I don’t mean to sound cliche but I read somewhere that yoga is the practice of becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and in the midst of my grief and trauma, I thought that was something that may be helpful to learn. It’s one of the few things that really seemed to help me and I could do it alone in my bedroom using free videos on youtube or amazon prime without worrying if I hadn’t showered that day.

            I also watched a lot of Dr. Ramani on youtube. And I read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?” which is a book about abusive men. You have been abused. This is abuse. It wasn’t a fun realization for me but I think it helped me heal. Acknowledging it and accepting it.

            Just hang in there and be kind to yourself. It’s a very hard thing to go through and most people can’t even begin to understand it. But it does get better. I promise.

  • Or, in response to the reassurance that the intern AP was always very “respectful” of me: I don’t consider fucking my husband while I’m at home alone with 3 small kids to be particularly respectful.” Is it just me?

    • OMG, just how did I forget these ones?

      At the very DDay#2 (during the Normandy landings, when chump catches FW getting home from a motel at 7 am). After long conversation trying to make her show her phone, she admits to the affair and proceeds to talk about the AP (a notorius piece of shit; poor, hiddeous, disgusting excuse for a man).

      FW: “Don’t worry, he was very respectful”.
      Chump: (catatonic)

      Note: she was his boss. Funny she thought the respect he allegedly showed for her while eating her pussy and taking her from behind and making her lick his balls should assuage my complete humiliation at that moment.

      FW: He is not a thug, he told me his story.
      Chump: ((catatonic))
      FW: He told me he found you very corageous for daring to confront him.
      Chump: (((catatonic)))
      FW: you would like him if you knew him.
      Chump: ((((catatonic))))

      Note: he is a crooked cop, probably criminal. And he did threatened me explicitly when I confronted him by text. Funny she thought I would be flattered by a compliment/new veiled threat from the piece of shit that was fucking her. How little she must think of me to figure out I would cherish such a source of validation.

      Chump (coming back to his senses): you know he is quite promoscuous, you can have passed me something, how could you do this to me? You are my only woman.

      FW (with a smirk): I ran his tests at the lab myself, he is clean. And he is sterile, don’t worry.

      Note: he wasn’t.

      • Oh goodness BC, you sound just like me when my fw (a Cop) dropped all his filth on me the night of final discard. I was indeed catatonic. I only remember saying a couple things, mostly I just sat in a chair and stared at him in shock.

        I should have screamed at him to shut up and leave, but I was pretty much frozen.

        I must have sat in that chair for an our or two after he left, before I could move again.

        • Our stories do have a lot in common, Susie, and that has helped me a lot.

          As you know, my FW XW is also a cop (in health corps though) and cheated on me with a direct report (street cop assigned to menial jobs at the lab). Funny thing, she also had political ambitions. She once told me uncerimoniously she thought she would someday end up being nominated Security Secretary of the State (no kidding!).

          I also helped her a lot in her career. For instance, she would run by me first every single document she would issue to spell-check and gramatically correct. I was sort of a glorified secretary. I would chase after typos, mispellings, splicing commas and the all too common ill-formulated sentences that made no sense at all or conveyed no meaningful information (I attribute this to cheaters’ illogical patterns of thinking and penchant for bombast).
          OMG, I am the man who knows too much. 😬

          I read your comment below and just realized things got real nasty around her last promotion (to major), the ceremony and party afterwards being weird. I had a feeling something was off but couldn’t quite put a finger on what. I honestly can’t remember if then AP was there (I wasn’t paying attention to that at the time, it was pre DDay 1), but I know for sure I acknowledged a handful of accomplices and sycophants. This makes me sick.

          As to being sitting quiet staring at nothing as we listened to the words that broke our chests, it was exactly like that, except I was chain-smoking through her monologue and I left the apartment at the end of that awkward conversation.

          Come to think of it, quitting smoking was one of the few improvements FW brought to my life, but I relapsed over the last years of our marriage, unbeknownst to her. It was the first time I smoked in front of her in a long time. She only agreed to talk about details of her affair after I told her I would admit afterwards to have been unfaithful myself and with who (what, it turned out). When she was over, I pointed to the pack of cigarrettes over the table and said that was my betrayal. I’ve got once again the deer in the headlight stare.

          I am very bitter over the fact that my kids never had the chance to say goodbye to the place they grew up in (they were with me in another city by the time; she moved shortly after). I too miss the place very much. Never saw it again.

          • “I had a feeling something was off but couldn’t quite put a finger on what. ”

            I too remember the promotion ceremony. It was just the brass, fw and me. I pinned his bar on. I remember whore was peeking around the hall, but she did not come in. I remember thinking, why didn’t he invite his direct report. My guess is he told her not to as it would be suspicious. But of course who knows.

            I am sure the brass didn’t know of his relationship with her, for several reasons but mostly because the mayor regardless of his own faults was not an idiot. No way he would have promoted fw, to turn around in less than a year later and bust him.

            FW not only got her hired while he was screwing with her, he about six months after he was promoted petitioned for a raise for her. Then about a month after he did that, someone filed an ethics complaint against him.

            I honestly think that his plan was to use me for another two years until the mayor was reelected then, in the meantime treat me like shit under his shoes so I would throw him out; then he would drag whore out of the alley and put on the pretense of a new relationship.

            But someone dropped a dime and it all went to hell.

            But yes, I worked for many years in the community (Lions Club) and then in politics, helping with paperwork, hosting townhalls etc to get him what he wanted and what I thought was for us. It also helped that I really liked the mayor to be, and still think he was good for the city. But the blood sweat and tears were for the fw.

            Per his own admission on the night of final discard he had been cheating for ten years. So that means for most of the years I was out there working for him, he was lying and cheating. His final bomb was “I never loved you”

            You would think he would have kept that all to himself, but no. Not sure how he thought that helped him, but whatever.

    • She wasn’t even respectful to herself, how on earth could she be respectful to you, or anyone else. Liars are not capable of respecting anyone.

      But you do remind me of the second to last awards banquet for the PD. There was a scandal going on in the PD where one of the captains was fucking a police woman. Lets call them Joe and Jane. Joe was married but he was fucking Jane. My fw was sitting across the table from me, and he said Jane is not here tonight, I respect her for not coming out of respect for Joes wife. This was not long after he (fw) had gotten his promotion. Also Joe had gotten his promotion at the same time as my fw.

      Anyway in hindsight after he left a year later I realized that fw’s whore was not there that night either. (that I saw) I am betting in his sick mind, she was to be respected because she didn’t drag her nasty ass to the banquet in front of me. I was unaware of his adultery at that time.

      But the following years banquet he sat her nasty ass right at our table, along with her best friend. By then I knew he was cheating, but honestly didn’t think it was that troll, who was also his direct report.

      I was in a state of confusion at that point as he was being extremely volatile with me over stupid shit at home.

  • I had to explain to my ex wife who got pregnant with the AP’s child (which I found out many years later). She told me she didn’t plan on getting pregnant with the AP’s child while have unprotected sex. I replied with SexEd 101: “If you have unprotected sex you can get pregnant” 🙄🙄🙄

  • File this under things I never thought I’d say: “Tell your wife to step up the blowjobs and “happy endings” to pay off your tax bill.”

    He had asked me to loan him $20K to pay his taxes and buy a condo. He told me it was over with his massage parlor girl schmoopie and he needed the money to get back on his feet. I told him I would not give him the money. Found out later he was actually married to her, had married her before the ink was dry on our divorce. I was LIVID!! What kind of person has the audacity to ask his ex wife of 29 years, whom he heartlessly abandoned, for thousands of dollars while he is married to the massage parlor whore he left her for?

    Broke NC to email him that suggestion on how to raise the money.

      • Yes. We had been divorced a couple of months when he asked me for the money. He was already married to her. The question is, is massage girl wifey here legally? Doubt it. Probably why she latched on to my stupid ex. I heard he is now trying to bring her family over here from her homeland. Fool. He deserves what he gets.

    • Normally I’m not for therapeutic snark – I love Tracy’s rule of “if it feels good don’t do it,” but dear lord did he deserve a smack of snark and so much more! 👏👏👏

    • That was a perfect reason to break “No contact” and what you wrote to him was perfect, too. You really nailed it, good going, Nemesis!

  • “No, you can’t invite Marissa (fuckbuddy he was actively sexting with) to our home to sit with you on the porch and drink.”
    He thought he was such an honest broker by asking. Couldn’t understand why I found it disrespectful and downright insane.

    • Ok, this here is why we all initially think they must have brain tumors…
      Completely crazy. I’m glad you walked away, WalkAwaywoman!

    • A few times I came home from work at 9:00 at night, and Ho neighbor was sitting on my couch, drinking with my X. (At this point we all knew what was going on, he was pushing for a triad, and I was lining up ducks!)
      It’s almost funny now, they are such idiots!

  • After I discovered his 5 yr affair with a co-worker, I asked if he still considered himself a man of character.

    He responded “I cannot believe my wife of 25 yrs is questioning my character!”

    Initially this whole conversation shocked me, then made me mad and know just makes me softly chuckle. What an unenlightened moron.

    • During the mess immediately after Dday, in a voice that made it should like he was giving me advise on how to do the “pick me dance”… while he was being a mean spiteful asshole

      “What men really want is to be admired”

      “Being admired starts be doing something admirable”

      • Omg yes, this!!!
        “You don’t seem interested in me.”

        You don’t seem interested in doing basic household chores, talking to your children, doing much other than looking at your phone and definitely not in taking me on a date or anything.

        But yeah, f*** me for not getting wet on command.

    • Me to Cheater: “You always told me you were a man of integrity.”

      Cheater’s response: “My integrity is completely intact.”

      Evidently his interpretation of integrity is different than mine.

  • Two things I yelled at my Ex during the discard phase:

    “Why in the H#LL is she invited to our Mother’s Day meal?”

    “You need choose between your family and your girlfriend.”

    It absolutely offends me that these FW thinks we are so stupid.

  • “You can’t ‘think highly of women’ if you’re following them around with your phone shoved up their skirts on escalators, and taping their boobs and butts with your phone in the lunch room at work.”

    Such a great feminist he was…sigh!

    • Ew ! Reminds me of one of the men I wasted time and money on in coed group therapy.

      The three men were all former therapists and all super fucked up. The perv who liked to stand under stairs, hoping to catch a glimpse under a skirt. The man who was cheating on his wife with a “Tantric masseuse”. And the one eyed (a glass one replaced the other) nebbish who wouldn’t admit he was beating up his Japanese girlfriend-“only throwing things and punching walls.”

  • There are so many.

    The first ‘how can I really be saying this’ moment was “Breaking up means that we have to divorce, no I won’t live with you as your drinking buddy instead.”

    “You cannot treat a rural animal rescue group like a big city nightclub.”

    “You are not ‘friends’ with the person whose wife you seduced. Friends don’t do that.”

    And “If you keep trying to sleep with other people’ wives, you could get shot or beaten up.” But I will not be around for that! Freedom Day is coming!

  • “It is NOT ok to be getting porn from other women you met on the internet!!”

    Jesus Christ -_- I no longer explain to grown ass men things that should be obvious.

  • “When you’ve lied a lot in the past people will question your current honesty”

    This was impossible for my ex to grasp. He thought that I was abusive to not believe everything he said after discovering he had cheated for years.

    It was a short reconciliation

    • Yep, my ex thought three months of behaving decently meant my trust in him should be restored. Um, it doesn’t work like that buddy!

    • Same here. But my FW XW had not only lied A LOT in the past, she was lying to my face then and I had proof if it (unbeknownst to her). It took me this whole shit storm to realize my XW has always been a pathological liar, and is unlikely to change. She still lies about the most inconsequential of things. But I get to hand it to her: she is damn good at it.

  • When he demanded I produce our 18 year old son for “visitation:”

    “Son is 18 and a legal adult. He has the right of all adults to choose who he wants to spend time with and it isn’t you.”

    • But he was so used to controlling other human beings it didn’t matter! He gets to tell everyone else what to do!

    • Kit, my son will be 26 in a couple of months and has not had contact with his father in the eight months FW and I separated. I got an email (only supposed to be used for legal/asset communications) insisting that I make our son see him to talk. Wrote back that it was not a legal/separation/asset issue and that I will not do anything. Jeez, can’t these FWs realize that grown adult children make their own decisions of who they want in their lives and they don’t want in? My son and I are close but that has been the case because FW was not very involved with him.

  • Although we made good money he could spend it faster than we could earn it. I was forever up at the Credit Union getting yet another loan to tide us over his latest spending binge! We had just paid off one loan and I was starting to feel like I might be able to breath just a little when he (drunk) went out one Saturday and came back home to tell me he had just bought himself a $60,000 car. When I went ballistic he looked like he was going to cry and said “but I thought you’d be happy for me”!

  • “You can’t be in love with someone you’ve never met and only know from playing World of Warcraft online!” #JerrySpringerMoment

    Spoiler alert: they had met. And more.

  • “Leaving your under 5 year old kids unattended to go masturbate isn’t acceptable, even if you left the door to the bathroom open so you could hear them.”

  • Me: Why is AP sending you nude photos if you are just friends?
    FW: She didn’t send nudes, it was just a picture of her boobs
    Me: That’s a NUDE!

    I still cannot believe that this was an actual conversation.

  • It wasn’t about the sex? I called bullshit.

    This on top of being told he hadn’t loved me for years, then he sure love lying to me especially after we were done having the sex that apparently was not important to him? 😕

  • As his father laid dying in another state and his mother had passed 2 months before, I found out his affair and asked how he could do this when his dad is dying. His comment was that he couldn’t watch his dad die. But, he could screw the howorker to relieve the stress… How sick is that?

  • Him: I’m really upset you had me served divorce papers at her house. Some things should stay between us.

    Me: I’m upset you decided having a girlfriend while we are married is appropriate. I guess we’re even?

  • “The pimple on the tip of your dick isn’t an ingrown hair. You don’t grow hair there” Spoiler alert: it was herpes.

  • “no one wants to see a photo of your asshole”. Ex-hole had had a colonoscopy and some other butt hole scan. He got to take home a photo or screen shot of what the fibre optics showed. Kept it in the breast pocket of his suit jacket, and was miffed when I laughingly said that. He had a kind of Thing about the attention he got in hospitals..
    I told my brother he is the ex-hole. Brother said “that’s a good one- so shallow that he’s an ex- hole”.

  • “How many layers of betrayal are enough for you?”

    When I discovered that in addition to the other affairs she had, my then-wife/fw also had an affair with the married affair partner of her best friend.

    • It took me a couple of reads to grasp that. It was like FW Inception. A turfucken of betrayal. So her friend was an AP of a married man and your exFW became another AP for the guy so she was screwing over you, her friend, and the married dude’s wife. Yikes.

  • From the ex, a sentence I could not believe that anyone would say:
    “I’ll give you my match.com password if you promise you’ll never divorce me.”
    🤔 🤯
    Divorced almost 5 years now. 🙌

  • Him … I did not have a choice, it was meant to be
    Me… Actually, cheating on your wife with a girl your daughters age is a choice
    Him… Well, ok, I guess you’re right

    Geez!!!! I Guess he thought I was that stupid 😂

  • You can’t call another woman your wife while you’re still married to the current one. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

    • Klootzak also has that mental defect. He calls the slut in Portugal his wife. None if the other APs have gotten that honor. If I had any way at all to find and disclose to her poor chumped husband, I would. My way of banging klootzak, she was brought at least 50 others into their bed. Blech.

      • Oops. That should be BY way of her banging klootzak…. Anyway, her chumped husband deserves to know and get an STD screen.

  • Saying you’d divorced me in your head didn’t actually make it so. There are some additional steps, like you know maybe telling me and getting a lawyer.

    • 😂 I’m sorry Hopeful, but this is too priceless.

      It’s a boat none of us wanted to be on, but reading all these? OMG
      I’m glad we are all in this boat together.

  • During the few months after DDay when we were still trying to work things out (and she was secretly starting something up with someone else) I said “It’s good we don’t have kids. We won’t need to have any contact if things don’t work out.”. She said “It doesn’t need to be like that.”, to which I responded “But it will be.”.

    Pretty much stuck to it too. Only contacted her about splitting up stuff, and one time a few years later to pick up more of her junk (her high school yearbook, wedding stuff, etc) .

  • “You were polyamorous with so-and so before you met me. Why aren’t you ok with this??”

    “Because cheating isn’t polyamory.”

    I had been in poly relationships in the past. She and I were monogamous per mutual agreement (or so I thought- she said she could never be poly and I was fine with monogamy as in my opinion it is much less work.)

    Thank god same sex marriage wasn’t legal back then. I just had to get my iron and extra clothes out of her condo, which she tried to prevent me from doing because, “People care if you are sick with a heart attack but no one cares if you have a broken heart.” Poor thing.

    • Sounds like we had the same girlfriend maybe. Not the same situation at all, but similar topics and manipulative tactics.

  • How do I pick just one? I think the most memorable was to our church office-
    “Um, hi. So I have a weird question. I just found a Certificate of Nullification of my marriage in my husband’s office. Can you please tell me if that is real or not?”

    Of course it wasn’t real, we were still married. The engagement ring I found with it tipped me off he was up to something. Stupid FW.

  • “Get the fuck of my house and go be with your whore with the magic pussy.” I went to Carholic grade school, high school and college and despite my language, I think the nuns would have been proud of me!

  • I repeatedly asked him to just let me know when he was leaving the house. He didn’t have to tell where he was going, who he was with or when he would be back. Just say Bye when he left. He never did. It was an affront to his masculinity to be polite to me.

    I also repeatedly explained how the toilet worked, see it flushes, and how to wipe his ass. Not on the sheets!!!

    I’m so glad to be free of Fuckface and his dirty ass.

  • “I do not want you bringing her things into my home.” Said during brief but unspeakably horrible time when we were still living in the same house after I uncovered the affair. Came home to find a stack of her mail in my entryway.

  • When I finally got up the nerve to make him admit something was going on. I was screaming any nasty thing i could think of. He was laying in bed at the time. He looked at me and said
    “If you knew why didn’t you stop me.”
    I was momentarily stunned
    “Your a grown man, not a child.” I responded
    I couldn’t believe the conversation. There were plenty more bizarre conversations over the next 1-1/2 years

  • My ex had no idea of boundaries and couldn’t understand that divorce meant I wasn’t available any longer to be his supportive wife. He thought I would enthuse with him over his crush (because she was so great!), and wanted to consult with me on his plans to redecorate the house after I moved out. I had to tell him repeatedly, “I am not the person to talk to about this.”

    • My STBX is doing something similar. I’ll ask logistical questions because the divorce is in progress and then he will ask “if I text our son this question do you think he will xx?”

      It took me a long, deep breath to say “you don’t need my permission to interact with our children but you are also no longer entitled to my guidance.”

      ‘Cause he has no idea how to relate to them and has been an absentee parent for too long in house, and for several months after I finally kicked him out.

      • Relateable.

        My most recent favorite: “If you just didn’t get so mad about my affairs, we could be happy and back together as a family.”

        My response: I.Am.No.Longer.Your.Wife.Appliance. Fuck.Right.Off.

        I cannot tell you the number of phone calls, texts, ambushes during family therapy and co-parenting (ha!) sessions where I have sat thinking “why am I here”? The answer is “they trust that you suck”. Cue the vitriol: I am now the alienating parent who “must be stopped” because I am GR beyond the issues about our kids.

        So, the AP were “wonderful mothers”, why not ask them about how to parent your kids? I mean, I’m sure their husbands would LOVE to know you are still around….

        Gah.

  • I had Mr. Sparkles over about a year into the discard, but he had yet to file to go live with his schmoopie though he was living out of our house. I had found CL and Chump Nation by then so I was preparing to file pro se. I invited him over to discuss my proposal.

    Instead, he shows up with a couple bottles of wine and a movie because it happened to be what would’ve been our 9th wedding annivesary… while “nothing” happened but wine and the movie and his blatant refusal to talk about the divorce, he screamed at me months later when I FILED WITH A LAWYER… “I could have f*cked you that night you know…”

    In that moment, I saw just how mentally disordered he is. Who says that to his wife and mother of his children who is only trying to move the divorce he wanted forward??? A narcissistic personality disorder fuckwit, that’s who.

    Five years divorced, seven years free… rock on Chump Nation… you’ve got this!

    • NOT living out of our house… sorry 🙂 (I got that part right and kicked him out when he announced he was leaving… but the Chump-me had to co-sign his lease because he never got his credit score straightened out.)

      How I love my cheater free life… I could not even begin to list all the f*cked up things he has said through the years. No contact = no word salad = no untangling of the skein.

    • Spinach this reminds me, my fw early on in our marriage when I was madly in love, and thought he was he would like but make jokes out of it. I should have known he was just a liar and had always been.

      His lies were silly things, like we would be playing board games with friends and he and the other guy would cheat (which I call lying) they would make it kind of obvious; then he would joke about it. Or he would lie about something insignificant and then say oh I was just pulling your leg; things like that.

      I men I do think there are “white lies” to save someone’s feelings, or plan a birthday party etc; but his were on things that he shouldn’t have been lying about. Was he practicing his gaslighting? or was he just laying the groundwork for his big lies. I don’t know.

      • “Jokes”or joking.., laughing about women being abandoned by their husbands for someone much younger.
        Making comments “joking” if we were out and there was an older man with a young girl.

        Checking out an attractive young girl and pretending he was “joking.”

        How could I forget our honeymoon videos, when he played them for us to watch, I thought he was filming our cruise and sites we visit instead they were women’s behinds and boobs on the cruise and at the sites we visited.
        More “joking.”

  • I see from these comments that I am far from alone in experiencing my cheater to be a serial sexual predator and statutory rapist.

    • I don’t have proof but I highly suspect mine was. He told me about accusations against him “a long time ago” and said they were lies but something about his obsession with young girls and commenting on their bodies and sexuality occasionally makes me wonder.

      I think when you are in the idealization stage with a narcissist you ignore all of the “professions that are actually confessions” until you get smacked in the face with reality after the discard.

      • This rings very true for me as well. There was talk of past accusations. Articles he read that sugar baby relationships were healthy. That sort of thing.

        • All of this. Cheater forced me to hear about the past “false” accusations and expected pity from me when I said I didn’t want to hear it because of my childhood rape trauma. The fact that cheater was so forceful over this should have been the point in which I left. When all was said and done and the wool was finally pealed from my eyes, I saw that cheater had sexually assaulted me, 2 of my friends, at least one of cheater’s teenage cousins, 2 more accusations from others, and I’m sure loads upon loads more. Turns out accusations are just the tip if the iceberg.

      • It’s legal to have sex with 16 year olds where I live and i know he’s done it. He has accounts online where he was talking with teenagers about the sex they’ve had. He fantasizes about much younger children and shared those fantasies but not enough to constitute a crime. I checked. It’s gross but not enough for charges.

        I told a friend who has a 16 year old daughter and a much younger one too because I was worried. I’ve known her daughters since the oldest was tiny. She was the first person I told because I thought of her daughters immediately and feared him harming them. They were our closest couple friends. She ran and told him everything I told her because stuff started disappearing from the net. He went back and covered his tracks, everything I told her, gone. So now I’m crazy. I have no credibility. He spends holidays with them. The mom has come to my town at least twice in the past year to visit him but not me. I found out because my son was invited to dinner with them.

        My boyfriend said “for all you know, she’s been letting him screw her daughters for years and maybe even joining in. Women can be pedophiles too. You tried, you did what you could, if you keep trying it will just hurt you. You don’t have enough proof. You have to accept you can’t do anything more.” My boyfriend was a victim of a female pedophile as a young child. It still makes me sick at times. It’s horrifying but nobody believes me that can do anything about it. And the more I try, the crazier I look and the less credibility I have. I will be so happy if he is caught some day and goes to prison someday.

  • A few weeks after DDay, after he had decided to move out but hadn’t yet done so (that took another four months), he was telling me that Schmoopie (who he was still seeing despite my protests) was also on a dating site dating other men while still living with her husband who had also gone out and gotten a girlfriend after catching her cheating. He looked at me and said “you should go on a dating app”. My response was “No thanks. Someone in all of this has to maintain some sense of dignity”.

    • How do people have *time* for all this fooling around? Assuming they have full-time jobs, including overtime( paid or unpaid), kids, commutes…How?

      • That is still a mystery to me.

        I mean in the year of discard he was avoiding me a lot and “working” a lot. But the years before that I don’t get it. They must have fucked around a lot on the job. Also, I am guessing that some of his “security jobs” was actually hours spent at whores trailer. Or she met him at the job sites.

        He did tell me (before I told him to shut up) that their first time was at a security job at a bank in the back seat of his patrol car. Oh how romantic and 17ish.

  • “You’re crazy. It’s not cheating or adultery. Just because we have a piece of paper that says we are married doesn’t mean we are”, when I said he needed to file for divorce if he wanted to date other women.

    • Huh? This guy’s not all there.
      Reminds me of x – ‘my sex life is nobody’s business!’ Not even your wife’s?

      • Me too.
        When I inquired early on “just what are your feelings around this office girl???”
        He said: “It’s none of your business!”
        I said: “I’m your wife!!!”
        Yes, I really had to remind him he had a wife.
        This particular post has made me feel these people really are all crazy.

        • I do think for these folks that use these excuses there is either a self effected mental breakdown, or there never was a healthy mental condition to begin with.

  • I had to say: “no, it’s not a birthday present from YOU if I drive to the store, pick it out, and buy it myself.” He said, “but you’re going to the bookstore you love anyway…”

    I had to say: “No, I don’t think that dropping your high paying job to start a podcast with zero experience is a good idea.” He said I was “unsupportive” and used that as a “reason” to lose another job, use more porn and more pot.

    I had to say “You’re going to pout, give me and our daughter the silent treatment, and basically do everything in your power to ruin the 1/2 day of vacation we have this entire summer (because he lost his job!) because I didn’t throw you a ticker tape parade for getting ONE free-lance paycheck?”

    I had to say “Right, you’re sitting alone in your home office (when I came home early) with your pants around your ankles not because you’re watching porn AGAIN/STILL in clear violation of our agreement, but because IT’S HOT. You didn’t take off your SHIRT because it’s hot, just your pants. And you didn’t put on SHORTS, you just sat in your chair with your pants around your ankles. BECAUSE IT’S HOT.”

    • Wow. That last one. I can relate.

      I was hosting one of those parties with friends where you buy cookware, baskets, candles, or whatever. Anyway… I was downstairs with a handful of women with all this stuff. He had no interest and said he would do some work upstairs. Well, I needed his help with something and went upstairs to get him and there he was, scrambling to minimize the screen, all hot and sweaty… I think he managed to put his mouse back in its house as I was coming up the stairs. He swore nothing was going on and I didn’t believe him for one second. He was right up the stairs, slamming the ham while I was downstairs with guests. Disgusting!

  • “I didn’t know what I was doing” is probably my favorite. So you just mindlessly took money out of an ATM, mindlessly walked into strip clubs, mindlessly chose what woman you wanted to dry fuck, mindlessly paid her, mindlessly then came home and handed me your cum covered jeans to wash all the while having no idea what you were doing? And you did this over and over and over again for 20 years? Dry fucking at least 50 women? That is some cognitive dissonance right there!

    “I’m allowed to have my feelings” is another favorite. When Dday after Dday after Dday occurred (he was vomiting out the truth of what he had done behind my back for 30 years with drip, drip, drip Ddays for weeks) and though I had to keep a strong presence for the kids, FW would often lay on his face crying in bed for hours. So distraught about the things he had done. He’d miss work because he was just such a sad sausage. Meanwhile, I’m running the kids everywhere and doing everything by myself because he needed to have a sadz.

    • Wanted to clarify that for the first 10 years of our 30 year marriage he wasn’t yet into dry humping strippers. Back then he was into stalking unsuspecting neighbors and friends, and going on dates with married women from our oldest sons preschool. After that he ventured into bottomless lap dances and his various stripper fetishes. That’s why the distinction between 20 year stripper habit and 30 years of cheating.

      • I also found out about decades of cheating. He couldn’t get any actual girlfriends so he just paid for it and called it dating. Quite a loser.

  • Upon seeing that his new Viagra subscription ordered with our joint credit card had shipped to his new address with the AP (a couple weeks after DDay so I didn’t GAF), he said, “It’s not what you think.”

    • Spinach… mine had ED for the last year of our marriage and he never did anything about it.
      Before I discovered his latest affair, I opened a bill from our healthcare provider to see he was indeed going to a urologist…
      Gee why didn’t he tell me???
      Um, because he was going for “Her”
      Not “Us.” When I put two and two together later, I have to say, I was crushed.
      Now I fluctuate between indifference with a few bits of anger, still lingering about!
      “It’s not what you think”. Indeed.

  • Oh, what to choose, what to choose… sigh.

    When I discovered his EA (probably PA) affair with his coworker and told him to leave he said:
    “Why didn’t you try harder when we needed you to???” (Said wistfully with sad eyes and “real” heartache) 😞 uh huh.
    When I told him yet again, he to needed to leave, he said:
    Oh. (Stunned stupid silence for a moment…)
    “I guess I have to be the one to go , since it’s your house.” Um, yeah
    Him: “If something or someone makes you happy, you can bring that happiness back to the marriage and make it a better marriage!”
    Me: #%^*!!!*. %#!#*%^ #!^%!!!!

    Can’t really recall what I said. But based on the look on his face, it hit its mark.
    I don’t know who was stupider. Him, for just being him. Or me, for staying way too long at the fair.

  • I found receipts of a secret credit card and phone history of he doing business in a massage parlor. (This was 15 years ago before human trafficking discussions went mainstream.) My first thoughts were he bought a gift for someone special – he’s having an affair!. Then I thought he got a massage, selfishly, for himself. Without telling me. We were broke. Broke! poor. With 3 kids under 10.

    I visited the place in person and was bewildered- it was a run down house off the interstate with an older mama-San who answered the door through a small window. I remember thinking who would pay to get a massage at this icky place?? I showed mama-San the receipts of my husband and asked directly what sort of place us this?! She slammed the window in my face.

    The experience blew my mind – that a) my husband would frequent such a spot and b) such a spit existed so close to my neighborhood . I was so naive.

    I confronted him and He of course denied any illicit behavior. “I only went for a massage! Nothing else! I don’t know why chose that place and not the nice massage spa on Main Street…”

    And when I explained, , “i cannot prove what you did or didn’t do while there, but the fact that your shadow darkened the threshold of such a place is plain wrong!”, I couldn’t believe I had to spell it out. He had no moral compass. He was ok exploiting young vulnerable women even while we had a young daughter ourselves.

    • I had forgotten, we had gone out Christmas shopping, this was a year before Dday on Christmas Day, so pervious Christmas. Anyway, he wanted me to help him choose a sweater for his employee (female) I said “fw, it is inappropriate for you go buy a personal gift for an employee” he said, I want to buy a sweater because she needs a sweater.

      I suggested a gift card and walked away. I don’t remember if he bought it that night or not. But honestly at the time I just thought he was clueless, I should have known.

  • About four weeks before I asked him to move out “Are you sure you want your boss seeing those photos?” Wasband had one of his photos chosen for the company’s printed calendar. He provided the web link to his photography site that also had his peeping Tom pics 🤦‍♀️. Disclaimer: we had so many fights about his photography that I had long stopped looking at his site until searching for evidence for divorce.

  • To save on legal bills and avoid having to hire a forensic accountant, I tried to get FW to admit where all the financial bodies were buried, show me the secret “affair crefit card” bills, etc. I warned him that if he lied about any of it, his Shmoopie could be subpoenaed and if he and Shmoopie tried to coordinate lies to cover up dissipation of marital assets for the affair or anything else, they could each be charged with purjury.

    He shouted, “So you would put me in jail?!!”

    Me: “No, you’ll put yourself in jail if you lie or conspire to lie. No lying, no conspiring, no purjury charges.”

    Duh. Never had I heard a more blatant confession that someone was planning to lie, conspire and to purjure themselves under oath.

    Eventually he disclosed a ton of icky details about the affair and AP which my attorney said was the perfect insurance against the AP agreeing to commit purjury. Especially after being dumped and on hearing what FW spilled about her– which my lawyer intended to use as prompts in any future deposition– my lawyer said that, in his experience, there’s no way Shmoopie would put herself at legal risk for FW’s sake. Checkmate.

    I needed brain bleach after that but “full disclosure” and getting that dirt made the RIC fiasco almost worth it. It cost less than a forensic accountant in any case.

  • My ex asked me if I had mentioned Schmoopie to the boy scout leader because if so, that might affect how involved he would be with the troop. My response was “life sure is simpler when you don’t go around doing things you don’t want anyone to find out about”.

  • These conversations with FWs are like silly convoluted conversations with toddlers. These FWs never grow up, they act like they think they can outwit and pull one over on “mommy.” It’s so insulting they actually think they are so pursuasive and can actually be believed.

  • Before I blocked him and went NC, he still tried to get back with me. He told me that he thought we would be stronger living apart.

    My comment:

    “That you thought we could be together and live apart is puzzling, given the fact that you weren’t trustworthy even when you slept next to me every night.”

  • I feel like many of the above, anything where I have to explain why something obviously hurtful is hurtful behavior. For example, secretly taking out cash to go to a strip club on an abroad work trip (“but that’s where they wanted to go!”), post-revelation of prostitute-based cheating. And then informing him that he could say no, he could abide by what we discussed and not take cash out since he abused that privilege…like he didn’t/shouldn’t already know this. And just like that, I am married to a fucking child. Not okay.

  • “I don’t care where you stick your small d*#ck, I am trying to talk about the kids!”

    I heard myself say that after asshat walked out on us and I was trying to have a sane conversation about visitation, while he insisted on talking about the fact that he had the right to sleep with whoever he wanted. We were still married then but I guess it was a technicality. I just didn’t want to break my little kids’ heart even more. I think he got my point?

    • I take that back, now that I recall that conversation, he went:
      “But you said it was a good size!”
      Me: “I was being nice!”

      So he was still stuck on that topic, which is pretty typical I guess 🤷‍♀️

  • No, you can’t be married to me and have a girlfriend.
    Not sure why I’m having to explain this 24 years into this deal.

    • I think this is exactly what my “husband” was suggesting too, but he was always such a coward it was hard to figure out just exactly what he was saying.
      But I think you nailed it here.
      He wanted to have his girlfriend- without totally disrupting his life…
      Yes, why do we have to explain that this isn’t how it works.
      I’m beginning to see a pattern here with so many of these responses.
      Somehow, we went from wife, to “mother.”
      Ugh!

  • I had to explain that it wasn’t appropriate for a married man to share a hotel room with female friends. He was going to a new agey retreat with a group of friends and couldn’t understand why this wasn’t okay. I didn’t recognize it as a red flag until years later when he had an affair with a female friend. I was so blind and trusting.

  • Can’t believe I said it:
    “You don’t invite your friend over to play basketball on Sunday, then fuck his wife on Monday.”
    AKA “You can’t fuck my friend.”

    #doublybetrayed

  • “I don’t care if your girlfriend is upset about you taking paternity leave and how it will negatively effect your relationship. You want an award for bonding with a child?” Talking to my husband of almost 3 kids, who left for OW at 20 weeks pregnant sitting in the hospital in pre-term labor.

  • My ex was old and not very rech savvy. When I first told him I’d seen his messages with his whore he for whatever reason thought they were public posts. Even though he claimed they were “just catching up” he proceeded to scour his FB page looking for them.

    He then asked me to help him find them so he could delete because “what if people see them?”.

    Indeed… what if people see your innocent “catching up”? There goes your phony image. Thet were private messages, bur I don’t tell him that. I just let him worry.

    Guess what asshole….everyone knows anyway. They all know you’re a phony scumbag with a cheap toupee.

  • I wish Knave-man had said something patently absurd.
    Maybe then, I wouldn’t have been chumped for seven years.
    Instead, he spoke carefully and planned tactically. Like a spy.

    He had plausible reasons and backups for his absences and behaviors.
    When it all unraveled, he still mounted powerful verbal defenses, using more lies,
    that were designed to make his atrocious behaviors appear like a logical progression.
    He mounts a great case, but I quickly learned that I had a neutralizing weapon in a simple declarative sentence: “I don’t believe you.”

    The more I said this, the more I could see him clearly for what he is, a knave.

    Oh, he did say “I am an irresistible force of nature” when I asked why he cheated. That counts, right?
    It’s absurd, or at least absurdly narcissistic.

    • “He mounts a great case, but I quickly learned that I had a neutralizing weapon in a simple declarative sentence: ‘I don’t believe you.’”
      ^^^
      Bees, this is one of the most straightforward, helpful things I’ve ever read on this site… and that’s saying a lot. Chumps do have agency, even if we’re (legitimately) afraid of the consequences if we exercise it – thanks to FOO, longterm gaslighting and abuse, etc. I think that even just telling yourself you don’t believe something can be incredibly empowering – if scary, at first.

      Well clear of my cheating ex, I still struggle to trust myself, but I’m making progress. I’ve realized that I don’t have to believe other people just because they want me to, and I’m aware that I’m solely responsible for looking after my own best interests. I’m free of my FW ex, but I encounter fuckwits daily. It is valid for me to determine how best to deal with people/situations who make me uncomfortable. I can say “I don’t believe you,” or I can simply feel confident thinking this to myself and acting accordingly.

  • “it is out of line for your single female colleague to end a text ‘love, [their initial]’ ”

    my gut and heart knew this but after gaslighting, lies, pick me dancing, meant it took way too long before my head and feet caught up. better late than never!

  • Fuckwit: Schmoopie doesn’t have any bad feelings towards you. (trying to make me feel better shortly after Dday)

    Moi: I am the WIFE – I am supposed to have bad feelings towards your fuckbuddy – fuckbuddies are not entitled to “bad feelings” towards your wife

  • Are you really talking about a man seeing a woman 10 years younger than himself⁉️ You’ve been fucking around with someone 33 years younger than you. She’s 6 years younger than our oldest daughter for GOD’s sake‼️

  • After the seperation and just before the divorce:

    “Of course you got a tattoo of a giant Phoenix on your thigh. You murdered a marriage and a family that was salvageable with some work and you decided to burn it all to the ground and reinvent yourself.”

  • Fuckwit with the fake crying, pitiful face, and whiny tone: “I feel guilty.”

    Me: “Well, that’s appropriate, don’t you think?”

    • Haha!! I still remember the EX saying to me in a shocked voice (after I busted him cheating and stealing and imposed some consequences), “Are you trying to PUNISH ME?”

      He was all tears of remorse until then. Then he was just so insulted.

      • That’s when you officially become “Mean mom/dad who won’t let me date” in their minds, when you tell them there will be consequences.

  • Yeah, the frequency with which I was saying things I couldn’t believe I had to explain was the first major wake-up call to me after D-Day #2 that my marriage was not sustainable.

    Examples: “No, you can’t get back in touch with the affair partner in six months to be friends. You never were friends to begin with – your affair began when you f**ked a stranger you had just met in a bar.”

    “No, your affair partner who wanted you to leave me did not, in fact, support your marriage.”

    “Only you can decide not to f**k your colleagues at conferences. Whether or not I’m currently having sex with you should not enter into that equation.”

    “It’s not okay to tell me that you’ve deleted all photos of the affair partner when in fact you just copied them into a document in a ‘hidden’ folder on the iPad.”

    And the insanity continues even post-separation:

    In 2020: “No, you can’t let our kid play unmasked/undistanced with a kid who plays unmasked/undistanced with other kids, even if they don’t all play at the same time. Let me explain how viral transmission works…”

    “It’s not okay to date someone in person during a pandemic (pre-vaccines) without consulting with me and other vulnerable people in our Covid contact group, since our kid goes back and forth between our houses.”

    Etc.
    I’ve learned to have basement-level expectations, and I try not to get sucked into debates about basic reality. It’s hard, though, and I still find myself invoking reality, even as recently as this past weekend. One of the many shit sandwiches of parallel parenting with a FW. 🙄

  • I often wondered WTF did he just say or do …. like it was normal. My x was in LE and I remember one time having to school him in why he was f’g some skank he met on call for domestic violence. He did have a pattern looking back to picking the damsels in distress type. Confused at how on Gods earth this would be his pick of an AP, he said “it was INNOCENT, I went back to get a follow up report and …… OMG. I had been unaware of his extracurricular activities until this special skank came into his life. WAY before CL/CN was online. Old school discovery …

    **Questioned my reality for 30 yrs, until I didn’t.

  • “Don’t ever criticize my spending ever again. I never shopped for people to have sex with. And you traded your daughter for a woman who came from a garbage can.” (daughter wants nothing to do with him.)

    One of the saddest things I never thought I would hear myself say.

    I did not want to go to co-parenting therapy with him. He nagged and badgered me for almost a year and I finally relented. All he’s done is continue to lie and he was royally busted again. His response? “I am divorced and can do whatever I want.” Not really, when your conduct violates an MSA. And when you lie, you prevent other people from doing what they want. Co-parenting therapy hasn’t been producing his desired results, because he’s continued his campaign of secrets, lies, and lip service. But of course I am to blame. So far, it’s been the Velvet Hammer Validation Hour.

    Fine with me.

  • “You’ve been having unprotected sex with multiple women, for years, and have never been tested? You need to get tested.”

    • Related: “I’m not having sex with you until you get tested and the results come back negative.”

      “I’ve been declining tests for years under the impression that I’ve been in a monogamous relationship.”

  • “An iron supplement for anemia (that a toddler climbed to reach a closed bottle of on a high shelf) is NOT the same as heroin”(being arrested for drug trafficking prior to a supervised scheduled visit with a toddler)

    “He only treats you this way so I don’t see what the big deal is” (when trying to discuss domestic violence I experienced with the SO of the abuser)

  • I’m not a big drinker but during the 3 weeks between dday & him running off, I got drunk a few tines right after getting home from work in the hopes it would steel my nerves against his spewing. One time while he was listing my faults, I made a buzzer sound like eert & said “wrong, try again” after each flaw. He would stop in his tracks for a moment, spew again & “eeert, try again” I went. After a few of those he walked away.

  • “No, I don’t want the ‘perfectly good’ boring mug that girl gave you that you’ve been smugly drinking your coffee in front of unsuspecting me out of for months. Why would you ask me that? Please get rid of it.”

  • Me: I know I’m better than a POS cheating on his wife.
    Her: everything you say about him, you’re also saying about me.
    Me: yep

  • When I was out of town for work, the fuckwit had his skank over to my house and in my bed. My son, who stopped by that evening letting himself into the house, said that his dad hurriedly rushed out of our bedroom door naked and putting on his robe. My son, much more suspicious than I, said, “Who’s in there, dad?” The skank was hiding in my closet naked (I know this because she informed me much later during wreckonciliation). The fuckwit adamantly declared, “I will NOT be accused of adultery in my own house!!”

  • When he was calling his mom to tell her we were getting divorced, she asked him if he thought I would ever consider him taking him back if he sought therapy. He said, “Nobody in California cares how much work a man does to get over his issues, if it has a penis and has done bad it is always bad! In fact, I imagine eventually the women here will all turn lesbian eventually and opt only to date each other. No man can be redeemed in a Californian’s eyes.” I wanted to scream at him “No ome has a problem with men as a whole you FW, just your married, dating app trolling, hooker procuring, coworker stalking ass!” but I was packing my stuff to move out so I just ignored him.

  • If you had just started dating someone, would you go to her house, eat dinner without saying a word, leave your dirty plate on the table, and then flop on her couch and go to sleep?

    And, if you did, do you think she would still want to date you?

    No? Then what makes you think I still want to be your wife?

  • I don’t know whether to be flattered or ashamed that Mr. CL was inspired by my conversation with FW. (My idiot was the one who thought it was totally normal for a 50-year-old dude to be texting a 17-year-old girl.)

    There is definitely more where that came from. I also explained to him that masturbating in public was illegal. I am not even joking. And he ARGUED WITH ME. I had to pull up the NY state law to show him. Then he got all huffy and said, “Okay, FINE, so I made a mistake! Why do you always have to prove you are right about everything?!” Uh… because he was masturbating in public parks on his lunch break, that’s why!

  • 1) You did rails of coke with our daughter (19YO)?
    2) You drank beer while driving in our company truck with employees while on duty?
    ******
    Following court issued orders and finalized divorce I smugly reminded ex kuntard that “it’s not the divorce that’s the problem, your reaction is. Divorce = social clue for you to fuck off. You’re welcome”.

    #PinchéPutoMadrePendajo

  • My then husband complaining that he was bored at a cancer benefit for a child dying of cancer. I looked at him and said, “This event isn’t about you” and walked away. What a selfish prick.

  • Ex FW after I first let him and we’re discussing logistics and I’m calm but firm, cool, direct. He asks, “why are you being so brutally mean?” I snorted!! My reply, “Brutally mean is having a secret sex life for a decade of our marriage “

    They have no idea

    • FinallyFree, that is exactly the kind of exchange that kept me stuck long after I should have left. If I’d found CL sooner, maybe I could have conjured her mind blender cartoon in order to resist the instinct to respond, reason or explain myself/basic decency to an FW.

    • Him: “If I picked out and paid for an expensive bottle of wine while we were married, then it’s all mine not ours.”

      Even my lawyer got a chuckle out of this.

      The concept of marital assets escaped him. He was shockingly stupid about so many things. To think I used to believe he was so smart bc he’s a doc.

  • ” You affair partner is married and not single as he told you . I talked to his wife”
    That was me after some marriage police work, thinking that if I expose his marital status, the affair would be over.
    It wasn’t .
    The affair partner kept on lying, my ex-wife kept on lying.

  • You do know you can’t rub your penis all over a vagina and ass then only use a condom for insertion and expect a disease free dick. That’s not how it works.
    Deer in headlights

  • A woman at the dog park who I had befriended took FW’s side. He said it was probably because she thought he was ok because he took her dog poo to the bin for her! To which I replied of course she’d take the cheater’s side for taking her dog shit to the bin. Makes perfect sense! Where do these idiots get this 🐕 shit from?
    He seriously believed it.

  • “I didn’t get to date much before we got married (he was 29) so I thought it was okay to date while we were married (he did this for apparently 20 years).”
    No asshole -in what world is that okay? Getting married means no more dating! Meanwhile, he surprised me with an engagement ring and he wanted a big wedding. Makes no sense.

    • ““I didn’t get to date much before we got married (he was 29) so I thought it was okay to date while we were married (he did this for apparently 20 years).””

      Can you imagine their reaction had we said that to them?

    • “Gee, thanks. So what does this make me?”

      My response to, “But I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

      He had at least one other girlfriend before me. We were 25, not teenage sweethearts, when we got together, and we both were social and outgoing, and had traveled extensively and met lots of people before choosing (willfully and happily) to enter into a committed relationship.

      If FW thought this was a valid excuse, then why did he keep his other “girlfriends” a secret from me? If he wanted an open relationship, why didn’t he say so? Clearly, my rights and consent meant nothing. Instead, while I remained loyal and committed – and neglected and devalued – he felt entitled to do whatever he pleased while subjecting me to a longterm non-consensual relationship. Cheating in a nutshell…

  • Putting up one finger for emphasis, he said, “I told only one lie about one thing.”

    Later: “I lied every day for 2 1/2 years.”

    Lying asshole

  • “Staying up until 3 a.m. playing a video game online and drinking a bottle of wine by yourself is not something middle aged women do.”

    Even now I cringe at the memory.

  • A couple of things, where do I start?

    Post legal separation, half way through divorce:

    FW: It doesn’t matter what you think of me, I am a honest person, I mantain a house and pay my bills.

    Chump: This is not being honest, those are the bare minimum requirements to live.

    FW: (angry stare)

    Note: she doesn’t (and never did) pay her bills; banks and loan sharks own her panties.

    During wreckonciliation:

    FW: It doesn’t matter what you think of me because my work appraisal says I am “loyal, responsible” and that I have “an immaculate public and family life”. In fact, you’re the only one that thinks ill of me.

    Chump: If you really think what you’re doing is okay why don’t you do it in the open? Let’s see what your next work appraisal will be like if you’re lucky enough to get one.

    FW: (deer in the headlights stare)

    Note: she was fucking her subordinate at a military facility and covering up his messes at work, which included: not showing up for extra hours he applied for; disrupting work with personal problems (his then wife showing up to their workplace hell bent on beating the shit out of another of his coworker APs and provoking property damage therein); pocketing public moneys from discounts he’s got from “friendly suppliers” for workplace purchases.

    After DDay#1:

    Chump trying to reason that taking care of her autistic kids and his elderly parents and adult autistic brother during the first months of a global pandemics in the city he worked *isn’t an equivalent betrayal* to taking a problematic, infamous, probably criminal, notoriously promiscuous, married coworker to her family’s home for a booze-fueled fuckfest.

    FW: Your betrayed me FIRST!

    Exhausted, traumatized chump: … (sigh)

    • Just yesterday.

      At a scheduled appointment with school staff to talk about youngest son’s special needs, FW showed up *just* 20 minutes late (unacceptable; kids were already at school and she was not working that day; the chump took a break from his work). The meeting was almost through since the teacher had to go back to his class; the chump was making the point that it might be ill-advised to force cursive handwriting on the kid, since he himself never mastered it (albeit being a professor) and the kids’ big brother has a hard time with it. His previous school forced him to adopt cursive handwriting and writing ever since has seemed too demanding of his somewhat short attention span and poor fine motor skills.

      FW (who never, ever does homework with neither of the kids): this is not a real issue. I too get tired from cursive handwriting. It’s normal.

      Chump (who oversees homework): but do you prefer to use block letters instead? How come I never knew of it?

      FW: no, I write in cursive, er… I mean… writing is tiring.

      Principal: I think what BrazilianChump is saying is that maybe it’s an issue for them, he included?

      FW: oh, yeah, I see. (awkward silence)

      After school meeting, at the street. About covid19 vaccines that FW has already shunned in a previous conversation.

      Chump: we still have to vaccinate the kids, do you mind if I do?

      FW: I am not sure if I want to give them the shots. I prefer to wait. The symptoms are not that serious in children.

      Chump: But the health authorities are unanimous in recommending it and I think it’s more of a public health issue than a personal choice, since the kids can pass along the disease even if asymptomatic.

      FW: let’s wait for other people to get vaccinated them.

      Chump: … (sigh)

      Note: FW is a health professional and has a masters degree in the immunology of infectious diseases. This attitude is sadly not uncommon among health professionals in Brazil nowadays.

      Breding with a FW, the gift that keeps on giving…

      Sorry for talking too much (as always), folks. I am going right now to pick up the kids at FW’s house and needed preparation. It’s been good. Now I momentarily fully trust that she sucks again.

      • I hear you .
        I wanted to vaccinate the kids. I booked appointments and told her about it.
        She knew that I was waiting for her agreement to go ahead, so she dragged it out for days and days.
        The appointment date arrived , I had to ask her again – and only then did she reply ” yes, of course”
        It’s just a game to them.
        Kids, vaccines , co-parenting plans – this doesn’t matter to them, they just want the power play

  • Just remembered another “ I Can’t Believe I Just Said That”…

    In 2015, when I discovered the affair, FW walked out on me and moved straight into APs house. He mocked me. Laughed at me. And for good measure, that night he called the police on me “in case she’s suicidal”… and I was taken in handcuffs with FW showing up to watch coldly. (for anyone who hasn’t read this from me before — don’t worry, the police quickly realized I was ok and suffering trauma from FW and drove me back with apologies)

    About 2 days later, I get an email from FW with an article about the Chicago Cubs and how the rookies have to do Starbucks runs for the team.

    I emailed back “I think you sent this to the wrong person.”

    He responded “I just thought you’d enjoy this article.”

    I couldn’t believe I had to reply “You know we’re not friends anymore right?”

    And the gloves were off. I was traumatized as hell, but less than 2 weeks later that dickhead was served. I think maybe then he got the message.

    • Yeah, I’ve got that too: messages about totally unrelated and futile topics while we were in the eye of the hurricane. She would send me celebrity news and links for love songs in youtube. I always wished I could reply a link to Bryan Adams’ “Please forgive me” with a link to Caetano Veloso’s “Não Enche”, but I stuck to Tracy’s advice that “if it feels good don’t do it”. Just like you, I politely responded every fucking time that I thought that was meant to someone else.

  • Him: The woman who gave me a lap dance at the strip club said I was handsome

    Me: you know they say that to everyone. Right? Oh, and she is probably younger than your daughter.

    I could tell he still believed that this 20 something thought that his 55-yo body was hot hot hot.

    Supposedly the affair started a year later.

    All of this makes me 🤢🤮

    • Haha. Unbelievable, indeed.

      Mine after D-Day: “I have emotional support from only ONE person [the OW].”

      He’d consoled his sister years before after she found out her husband had been cheating on her, and he wondered why she wasn’t driving hours to be with him in his time of need.

      He failed to see the difference in the situations.

      #clueless #alwaysthevictim

  • I found evidence that FW was falsifying Uber and hotel receipts (doubling amounts) and submitting them for reimbursement at work.
    Me: OMG why do you do that? You know it’s fraud to make false receipts right?
    Him: It was the accounting lady who told me to do it this way. She said it’s easier for them to reimburse higher amounts.

    Turns out the “hotel” was the AP’s home! Together they made fake receipts and made it look like an Airbnb receipt.

  • FW comes into divorce counselor’s office, fuming.

    DC: I can tell you’re angry.

    FW: She’s telling people about the affair! (with thrice-married howorker)

    DC: It’s the truth, isn’t it?

    FW: Yes, but I’m afraid my mother might find out.

    DC: What does she think you are? The Messiah?

    Me: Yes, and that’s the root of the problem, because he does, too!

    • “What does she think you are? The Messiah?”

      Channeling the late, lamented Terry Jones: “He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy.”

      Sorry, couldn’t resist attempting levity.

    • Actually, this seems like a missed opportunity to explain that chumps do not need to keep the cheater’s secrets and re-direct the conversation to the impact of the behavior on the marriage.

  • “I thought you knew and were just playing along.”

    No, I did not know you were sticking your cock into mystery girls. I was not “playing along” with your affair.