Is Anyone ‘Grateful’ for the OW/OM?

jennifersDear Chump Lady,

I found your blog long after my husband discarded me for another woman after twelve years of marriage and three kids together. It was the first week of my second year of my master’s program, and the first time that I had relied on him to support our family. He had a spotty work history, drug and gambling problems, and an inability to budget money. The timing was not coincidental. He had waited until I deposited the funds from my student loan, then withdrew those funds and used them to pay a gambling debt. He then disappeared for the next year.

I finished school, and my children are mostly recovered from his betrayal. It was an impossibly difficult two years, but things are so much better than they ever were when I was married to him. I spent the first three years post-separation being grateful to the OW because she was the one taking care of him. Then, she discarded him for another man.

My question is this. Is anyone else grateful for the OW/OM for improving their lives so exponentially? I was committed. We had kids together. I would have kept spackling until I died, probably. Now, when he talks about getting back together, it makes my skin crawl on a visceral level. I am so relieved that I do what I want, can actually pay all my bills without stress, and am now longer catering to his every need. Thank you, OW, for releasing me from that lifetime with a fuckwit.

Laurie

Dear Laurie,

Friday Challenge accepted. Of course, YOU improved your life exponentially. Not Schmoopie. Bad things (or people) can be a catalyst for change, but the bravery to walk into that new life is all yours.

That said, I understand the relief that a FW is someone else’s responsibility now. The parasite finds another host, thank God it’s not you. I feel relief if that person is a Schmoopie (no tag backs!), and pity if it isn’t.

Both sentiments are a long way from the agonies of earlier pick me dances.

So, CN, what are your thoughts? Got some gratitude to report? Perhaps, a no-returns policy?

TGIF!

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Kitty
Kitty
2 years ago

I am definitely grateful to the OW howorker!! My life has totally changed!
I met and married a fantastic guy, and am happier than I have ever been. The OW gave me the golden ticket and i ran with it!
From what I hear they fight constantly and are always miserable. I, on the other hand, am living my best life!

Dr. D
Dr. D
2 years ago
Reply to  Kitty

I feel similar. I am grateful. But mostly because I had made my commitment and was going to stick to it no matter what (well, except cheating it turns out). When I found the love poems between them and the questions of ‘are you just using me for sex’ from the OW on Facebook my very first thought was – OMG I have an out. An out I didn’t realize I was looking for.

Caren
Caren
2 years ago
Reply to  Kitty

Awesome! Love it! Same with me. Golden ticket is a great way to describe it!

ChumpNeedsSunlight
ChumpNeedsSunlight
2 years ago
Reply to  Kitty

I feel the same. Like Laurie, I would have kept spackling, kept supporting fuckwit, if it weren’t for the affair. That finally made me take action. Thank you OW!!!!

They’re still together. He’s all yours, congrats! Just wish she could keep him busier or something so he didn’t spend so much time and energy on me – with court, with messages, whatever he can do to try to hurt me. It’s exhausting. Can’t they just ride off into the sunset together? You have my blessing, just go away!

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago

Yes, totally agree. I had two little kids, had already dealt with two prior cheating episodes, and would have kept sparkling forever.

Now that he’s gone, I’m 100% debt free, saving tons of money, we go on fabulous vacations and life is peaceful and joyful.

I don’t deal with his constant drama, job losses, injuries/surgeries to gain attention, being in debt, having creditors send bright pink collection notices in my mail, no creditors calling for unpaid bills, no constantly broken appliances, no forgoing vacations because he can’t afford it, no more lying and deception within the 4 walls of my house.

Life soared once Dracula was gone!

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago
Reply to  Chris W

OMG, the injuries. Mine did it too. Mostly to get pain meds, I think. Every time he was almost recovered from something, he’d have a fall, or he’d “torque” his back in a near-accident in the car, or whatever. Then back on the couch whining about how he couldn’t do anything because pain. It got ridiculous. He had a spinal fusion surgery even though the neurosurgeon couldn’t see anything that warranted surgery. Ex milked that recovery (estimate – 3 weeks) for MONTHS. Fortunately it was his AP that nursed him through that so I didn’t have to.

I am also 100% debt free (other than the last of my attorney’s fees), have money in the bank, pay all my bills on time, have a great job, a nice apartment, etc. My ex was so angry when he saw me doing well, because even with AP providing a second income, they were always broke. I found out after he died that they weren’t the rosy couple they played in public, but were fighting viciously, were both alcoholics, depressed, attempted (in ex’s case, completed) suicides, etc.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and loving life. I’m single and I’m more than okay with that. Freedom and peace are lovely.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  Chris W

EXACTLY – “life soared once Dracula was gone”! Couldn’t have put it better myself!

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
2 years ago
Reply to  Kitty

When I was given the Golden Ticket I ran with it also!

BBM
BBM
2 years ago

I’m almost 4 years out from discard and 6 years from first D-Day and I can tell you even though it’s taken a LONG time I’m grateful for the OM(multiple). There are good people on the other end of shitsville. If you’re still in pain just know there is an end to it.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago

Me! Me!

Nothing but relief about the outcomes for the entire line-up of poorly chosen partners.

Three of the four Cheaters are with other women – two got married, while the third seems to be stringing his latest victim along indefinitely.

The fourth isn’t capable of any kind of commitment, but may marry his longtime ex out of sheer lack of spine at some point.

Oh, I am so very, very relieved. I don’t really think often enough about how relieved I am. I really should – it’s a lovely feeling.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

PS just did some cheeky internet snooping on longtime ex of ex mentioned above, and accidentally found a terrific crumpet recipe on her Facebook page.

Pain level: Zero.

Crumpet level: Great interest.

Second Life
Second Life
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

I love that crumpets top ex’s!

I never had a schmoopie to hate because my ex was into paying at massage parlors ???? But I’m extremely grateful to him for stepping over the line from emotional manipulation and gaslighting into physically cheating. I never would have left otherwise. I would have put up with it for the kids, when in reality, they are much better off with less of him in their life. Still working toward full Meh but every day is so much more joyful without him in it. Really my stress now if limited to having to coparent.

Nemesis
Nemesis
2 years ago
Reply to  Second Life

My ex was also in in to paying sex workers at massage parlors. And picking them up off the street in the red light district, I came to find out later. It disgusts me when I think about how he put my health at risk. He is actually married to one his massage parlor girls now.

Now that a couple of years have passed, I suppose I am thankful for the mercenary whore who led him away by his dick and got him to marry her. I divorced him while he was still deep in “twu wuv” with his massage girl Schmoopie. I got the house and its contents. I kept my 401(k) and I have survivors rights on his pension. My life is much more peaceful now. My health is no longer being put at risk by a whore-fucking fuckwit, and I am no longer being used and made a fool of by a lying, cheating snake.

Sounds like the karma bus has already arrived for him. She bled his retirement account dry, and I heard he is now trying to bring her family over here from China. ???? He deserves everything he gets. And then some.

Lucky
Lucky
2 years ago

I would have never left. My needs were so small that I think they had been swept under a carpet somewhere.
Of our 14 year marriage, he “had a mid life crisis “ for 10 of them.

AP, now wife came along and he cheated out in the open. Blatantly. I could not look away from the f*ckery.

He was a financial train wreck. He was selfish, mean and a flaming Narc. He only got worse with time.

I was a Minister’s wife. I thought I had to just put up with all the other stuff. Until he found her, he covered his tracks. Once the lurve that cannot be denied came to light – all bets were off.

He strung her along ( she had to divorce her pesky husband ) for an additional 8 years and then when she happened to come into a large sum of money, he put a ring on it!

Thank God for her. She was the catalyst that changed my life. FW free now for almost 10 years!

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

“I would have never left. My needs were so small that I think they had been swept under a carpet somewhere.”

SO MUCH THIS. I put up with so much abuse – verbal, mental, emotional, and finally physical. I was a shell of myself and it was slowly killing me. I actually got sick with a potentially fatal illness (micobacterium avium intracellulare – which is essentially non-communicable tuberculosis) that normally only affects the very elderly, people with AIDS, or other serious immune deficiencies. I am convinced my body had nothing left to fight with because I was so worn down from all the abuse. I didn’t have it in me to leave him.

So I am grateful that he cheated. AP let me escape that hell. Cheating wasn’t something I would tolerate, but that didn’t really matter since he discarded ME. It hurt so badly for so long. Until one day it didn’t. Until one day I realized I that I wouldn’t trade places with AP for the world. I remember the moment it dawned on me. My ex called me wanting to “talk” (hoover), and I let him. And I sat there on the phone seeing in my mind two pathways (it was a pretty vivid picture) – one of which was going off on my own, and the other was going back to him. And for the first time, the path alone appealed to me so much more than a future with him. He was still denying the affair at that point, but I only had to remember/imagine going back into the constant need to manage his emotions for him, for always feeling like I had to placate his rages, of never feeling good enough. And I just didn’t want that anymore. I think he expected me to start pleading for another chance when he “apologized”, and I … just thank him for the apology. He never called to “talk” like that again, even though he said he was going to.

My life hasn’t stopped improving since.

So thank you, OW. You probably saved my life. And what did she get? An abusive man who lied to her. She ended up leaving him. He ended up killing himself. I’m free.

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Yes, these Cluster Bs get WORSE with age. Don’t let anyone tell you “oh, Narcissists mellow with age!” Not true ones, they don’t. If they “get mellower” with age, they weren’t true Narcissists to begin with.

RuralChump
RuralChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Chris W

Did anyone else find that the “getting worse with age” happened really suddenly? Who knows what triggered it, maybe finding a grey hair, but suddenly they go into an obsession with looks and want to hang out with twenty-somethings, and no longer care about how that impacts their reputation.

MightyLady
MightyLady
2 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

I too would have continued to accommodate and spackle.

Affair with CrossFit Barbie was the deal breaker

How I wish those two soulless people end up stuck with each other

#NoTagBacks

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

One of my biggest questions is “What would I have done if he had lived?”

Part of me wants to believe that I was strong enough to leave…I had money saved, I had a plan (to leave with my youngest child) but I had 2 young adult sons (and one of their babymommas and child) in my house and both were in serious mental health crises.

If I left (and fought for my half of what our couple hood had) I did not know where they would go or how these young adults would cope. That responsibility weighed heavily on me.

Lucky, you had a world of other peoples expectations weighing on you and all of it pressured you to submit to abuse. Our society gives religious representatives way too much latitude. I was just telling my daughter that the Chaplains in my hospital enter every circumstance with the assumption of goodwill so they can throw others under a bus pretty easily.

Reading this thread is revelatory to me. Cheater had betrayed me for YEARS and I didnt know. His cheating did not get revealed until he thought that Susan of Seattle was his “Twu Wuv”. Her presence was a catalyst for his mask to slip and me to understand better.

I am not grateful for her but I am grateful that she helped reveal a tiny amount of the Truth so that I could have a better understanding of the abuse I suffered. I only wish that I knew more.

When he died, I did still truly love him. Awkwardly, I stopped loving him after I saw more clearly how awful he was to me for so long. For the sake of people I love, I dont want to relish the fact that he is dead (it is still tragic on so many levels) but Im glad the marriage is over.

Some reading here may not know that we were friends on a RIC board years and years ago back when were both still married to them. And here we both are flourishing.

Lucky
Lucky
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I love you Unicorn ❤️
We had a long journey together and I know there are a few others here from the early days.

I thought I would let you know that my new marriage is going well. We bought a house together and it’s so peaceful here.
My Dad passed after 18 years of Alzheimer’s. He’s missed, but with Mom now.
X is still doing the same old same old…but it isn’t something that bother’s me any more. The kids are adults and they know who he is and have their own relationships with him.

Big Hugs ????

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago

This sentence from Laurie is what being grateful to the OW is all about: “I would have kept spackling until I died, probably.”

I found out this week that sparkledick just lost his job at the bullshit-factory think tank that he worked for. Which explains why son #2 has been accusing me of having fleeced sparkles over the division of our assets at divorce. I can only imagine what jobless sparkles is ranting and raving about to this son (who, unfortunately lives with the dimwit, but is moving out next month).

So what does this news have to do with being grateful to OWs?

Well, the D-Day OW is now lost in the mists of time. I guess she was sly enough to realize sparkles was just a bag of hot air. But after my divorce I have always wished he would find another OW to take care of him so my sons would not end up with this job. Now unemployed and relying on a social security pension, sparkledick has NO chance at all of fixing himself up with an OW to take care of him. AND he soon turns 70, so any smart OW will have nothing to do with him because the few things he owns will never be split with him, 70 is the limit age in my country for steady partners to split assets if they separate.

PS: I did not fleece sparkles. I just had better lawyers, better sense and sparkles has his brain in his dick. So what can I do?

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Clear Waters, enjoy your settlement, that is what you can do! I’m sorry your son is listening to his Fuckwit father. Maybe give your son a copy of Tracy’s book. He might recognize his cheater Dad in those pages.

N
N
2 years ago

Yep. When I tried to leave the first two times he cheated, he threatened to kill himself and begged me to stay and wore me down. With his newest whore, he let me go without a fight. She was married with 2 kids as well but apparently worth losing his wife and 2 kids for. While I hate her, I’m also thankful for her for getting me out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist.

RuralChump
RuralChump
2 years ago
Reply to  N

Mine didn’t threaten to kill himself, he just told me I was not allowed to divorce, he doesn’t believe in it. I think he really thought that was how it works, if one partner doesn’t want to divorce, then the other one is stuck. They live in a fantasy world they make up as they go along.

SuzyQ
SuzyQ
2 years ago
Reply to  N

That’s what happened to me. He always threatened to kill himself if I tried to discuss separation. So I just backed down every time. Then he meets OW and one day he tells me….. “I love you I’m just not in love with you” and ran off with the OW. To be honest, I don’t even think the OW was ready to run off from her own husband. I think my ex pushed her into it. It lasted about two years. The poor kids…. Yes, my life is better now…. and my family and I often joke that the OW did me a favour…. and yes, I am glad I don’t have my ex’s negativity and bullshit to content with anymore.

I am glad you got away from your abusive relationship. Well done for having the strength to leave.

Laurie
Laurie
2 years ago
Reply to  N

That’s exactly how I felt. I had become so small and my needs so non-existent that I would never have left. I did not want my kids to grow up without their father. It took a few years of distance before I realized how much easier it was to parent without him. The energy and resources I had used to prop him up over the years were so much better invested in my kids and ** gasp ** me. It has taken a lot of therapy and a good 12-step program to be able to internalize that my needs matter, too. It has been this site that has helped me “fix my picker” so that I will not get involved with someone like this again and completely reject the attempts he has made at reconciliation.

N
N
2 years ago
Reply to  Laurie

Yes! Life is so much easier without all the anxiety and drama they bring. I was the same, didn’t want my kids to come from a “broken” home but in the end, it’s all for the best. I’m glad you worked on yourself and are doing better!

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago
Reply to  N

My ex died (suicide) and honestly – my KID is doing better, not just me. My son had so much anxiety when he went to his dad’s. Between the crazy custody schedule (2-2-5-5), the absolutely toxic household, and the tension (as much as I tried to keep it away from him), my son was a mess. My ex was also really authoritarian and would give my son the silent treatment if he was upset with him. I actually hospitalized my son at one point for suicidal ideation. He was EIGHT. His dad “hadn’t noticed anything wrong with him”. I realized later my kid would fake being cheerful around daddy because that was really the only way to survive. I got all the crying, tantrums, anger, etc. because my son knew it was safe to let it out to me.

I thought it would be really hard on my son when I had to tell him that daddy was gone. But he didn’t cry or anything like that. His whole body got really hot all at once, and then my nine year old said “I thought it might come to this”. No nine year old should have to worry about their parent like that. When my ex didn’t show up to the bus (which was when I knew something was very wrong), my kid said “I hope daddy isn’t dead”. It’s heartbreaking.

Now my son is happy, relaxed, meltdowns happen less (he’s autistic so they do still happen).

Someone OnLine
Someone OnLine
2 years ago

I was so convinced I was the problem in our marriage. I was too fat, I wasn’t sexy enough, I wasn’t giving enough, I wasn’t enough. Blah, blah, blah. After I found out about the cheating it was like a light bulb went off – I wasn’t the problem! Ta da! So yes, even though my friend boinked my husband while I was away working and our kid was sleeping upstairs, I am in some ways very grateful to her. I just wish they had told me sooner. Life is 1,000% better now.

Bruno
Bruno
2 years ago
Reply to  Someone OnLine

XW had me convinced I was a truly inadequate husband. She certainly worked hard at it with late night harrangues, cutting remarks in front of our kids and insistence I see a therapist for all my problems.
It has taken me years to connect all the dots and stitch together a timeline that reveals she had probably been cheating for a long time. All the sins she had been accusing me of was transference.
While I am grateful to be rid of her, I am not grateful to her fuck buddies.

Tall One
Tall One
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

this was my experience and how I feel. My xw’s FB had my surname which stung a little more.

but boy, am I grateful to be out of there AND get this… I actually am a pretty good dad (or food shopper or whatever my role was) after all!

Junie22
Junie22
2 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

Tall One – The first name thing…ugh. My ex-friend’s name (the ex-friend who seduced my soon-to-be ex-hubs) and mine are very similar, but hers is more common, so I am often mistakenly called by her name. It’s painful.

Tall One
Tall One
2 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

*first name (not surname)

Junie22
Junie22
2 years ago
Reply to  Someone OnLine

Same story here. When I found out husband had been clucking around with my friend for almost two years (incl at our home, while kids were sleeping) – the same amount of time our marriage been feeling increasingly strained – LIGHT BULB! It wasn’t me after all. It was him. An awful, wretched trauma I’m still recovering from but..a relief: it wasn’t me.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago

I would like to be grateful, but that would be so many awkward little Thank You Notes to write.

“Dear Whore,
Thank You for poaching my man and wrecking my home. Your efforts do not go unnoticed. I commend your enthusiastic participation in this devastating betrayal. Your ability to simultaneously write erotica, cheat with my husband and claim to be a good, Christian woman is astounding.
Sincerely,
The First Mrs Fuckface”

I’m grateful to you, Chump Lady. I’m grateful to Chump Nation. I’m grateful I survived the abuse. But that whore deliberately wrecked my home and his girlfriends helped. I am not grateful to them.

Navigator
Navigator
2 years ago

Love your note!! I have no gratitude either for the OW who taunted me with “stole your man” messages & still subtly “tries” (it no longer has an effect on me)
to taunt & flaunt on social media. But, I am grateful to be away from the man who brought that competitive beotch into my life (and my kids’) & who encouraged him to bring out his inner creep! Like I told my kids, they really are soulless-mates & we get a good chuckle out of it!

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
2 years ago

Bravo, Thirtythreeyearsachump. I feel exactly the same. Grateful to true friends, therapists, drugs, daughter, fresh air, books, pets, sane thoughts, bravery, legal team, money to pay for it, my new job, and good health. But thankful to the infection-carrying, shallow minded, honorless pieces of shit who invaded my life uninvited? They can all go air dancing off into the Grand Canyon. Cest la vie! Good riddance.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

I’m with you 33 years. . . I’m grateful I am not with cheating XH today, but I am not grateful for the mate poaching younger AP who conspired against my family and continues to try to alienate my Childrens’ father from him (all because she wants his substantial wealth for herself). I am at Meh but when I saw what Laegertha did to Aslep in Vikings as a “farewell,” I cheered. If it was 1100 years ago, I would have no compunction about taking that same action. . . The world is lucky that my CH had a vasectomy that cannot be reversed, and that AP “hates” kids (!!!) so at least we won’t have to eat that shit sandwich . . .

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
2 years ago

I love this! A thank you note to AP(s)! Brilliant 33!

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago

I’m with you Thirtythreeyearsachump. I’m 62, divorced from the evil that was the ex (I refuse to say ‘my’ because I will not have any connection with him). My world was purposefully blown up at 59 after a long marriage by the ex and the exgfOW. I’m grateful that I am free. That was down to my strength and determination. It was not down to anything that those toerags and his family did. My stomach turns at the thought of them, because I invited the vampires in, and they drained me to a husk. I am however grateful that they are together. I do not want any other person to go through what I went through.

MissBailey
MissBailey
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

I have to chuckle. I, too, refuse to call Dickhead ‘my’ ex. I want no part of him.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago

The second time we separated, he decided to make it long-distance. He was retired, so he could go anywhere he wanted. There was an old girlfriend there that he idolized throughout our marriage. He also said that if he cheated, it was my fault. My therapist said he was telegraphing his intentions. I had the house, the college kids, my part-time work, and our shocked friends to juggle while he went to the beach and lived like we didn’t exist.

It totally devasted me. I realized eventually that he had run because he didn’t want to be married anymore. He wanted to do whatever with whomever. All thoughts of being friends went out the window when my ex viewed the divorce as an opportunity to show his power and control. Ultimately his attorney threw his client to the curb and worked with mine to settle it.

My attorney had a saying that I still repeat to this day, “Only a fool would be friends with the person who burned down their house.” So as horrible as the abandonment was, it was a blessing. It forced me to work through things, and it removed him from our lives. Not having him around made the whole process easier.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  Elsie

Your attorney is wise Elsie. As another grey (well fake blond) divorcee, what is it with the old girlfriends that they idolised throughout the marriage? The ex was long distance (UK – North America) yearning throughout our marriage. For someone who he argued with all the time, who stormed out of restaurants and threw things and who was/is a strong feminist who wouldn’t let him go out without a tag. Who dumped him twice. Perhaps that was the clue. I think it’s laziness. They haven’t got anyone else handy and they contact the ex knowing they can wheedle their way back in. It wouldn’t work with me and he won’t try, which is good.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

It’s lazyness, and desire to chase what they don’t have. It’s all very shallow and disgusting. Blech. Vomit.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Elsie

I really like that phrase “telegraphing his intentions.” I wish I had understood that concept during my marriage. When my EX accused me out of the blue of wanting another relationship, I was dumbfounded. I thought he was picking a fight on a completely irrelevant subject in order to avoid discussing the real problems in our marriage. Six months later when he began rhapsodizing about his “soul mate,” I left him.

It took me at least another year or two to realize the weird conversation about whether I wanted another relationship had really been all about him wanting (and in fact hotly in pursuit of) someone else. As your therapist would say, he was telegraphing.

I hope you remain blessedly free of your EX and that your kids appreciate your resilience.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Yes, “when they tell you who they are, believe them.” I didn’t get it for so long.

I am indeed blessedly free. He periodically reappears via email with long stretches in between, but I haven’t seen him face-to-face in four years. During the divorce, I went no contact and came home to explain that to the college kids after having my attorney take over everything. They went no contact then and have remained so ever since. No pushing or cajoling on my part, they chose that. Both are out of college now and thriving on every front.

He had been threatening divorce for years and even picked out his attorney way before, showing me that attorney’s ad in the paper one time. He said he would make the kids and me homeless. Well, that was good too because I knew exactly what kind of attorney to pick for myself. My ex tried, but he didn’t make us homeless.

Indeed grateful that he told me what he planned.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

They tell you what they are doing or planning on doing.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

My ex fws version of telegraphing was to tell me about what others were doing.

Such as, oh Bob left his wife for a whore. By the way Bob did, and for the record his wife was a lovely accomplished teacher who was fit and attractive. Whore was pot bellied, big nose and bad teeth, but she was almost 20 years younger, so there is that I guess.

Or, whore (his direct report) is “dating” a fifty year old guy. In fact whore was “dating” a 40 year old guy who was surprise surprise fw himself.

Or, Sam is messing around on Tina, I told him I don’t know how he gets away with that stuff. In fact fw was messing around on Susie and he knew exactly how he was getting away with it. For the record Sam and Tina are still together and I doubt very seriously Sam was messing around on her.

ChumpyMcChumpFace
ChumpyMcChumpFace
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

So interesting. ???? I remember having a conversation with FW waaaay back in the day where he out of the blue said that it would be waaaay easier for me to cheat on him than for him to cheat on me.

I was a stay-at-home Mom with 4 kids attending university part-time. ???? I was like: What? What would even make you think of that? And also, nope. Lol. The only time I didn’t have the kids with me was when I went to classes. So bizarre. He worked full-time outside the home and often had different shifts (retail). I guess that might have been when it started already. Wow. ????

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Yeah, I’ve got lots of telegraphed moves too.

Besides what I already shared here yesterday under the subject “weird conversations with/about acquaintances or coworkers”, I’ve got some pretty nasty shit.

Once she told me of a workmate that left her fiancé for her (and FW’s) boss. Knowing the circumstances and the people involved, I bet that was another case of cheating, securing a more advantageous position (from a fuckwit’s perspective), and discarding the not-so-useful-anymore chump with a deprecatory talk (good and old blameshifting). My XW made sure I knew the exact terms of her friend’s disapproval of her fiancé (since college). One of them was that he lacked ambition, something FW has been saying of me since our humble begginings. I felt threatened by that talk, and I think I was meant to be.

Note: the friend and her boss/husband married and had a child shortly after this talk. I don’t recall if the birth was premature, but the timeline doesn’t add up. FW’s workplace is a nest of vipers.

Come to think of it, and it goes well with yesterday’s post, my FW used to triangulate and telegraph from our very first weeks of dating.

I’ve said that before, but it keeps growing more and more puzzling to myself: I don’t know how or why I put up with so much crap.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

When it happened, I really didn’t think so much about whore. She was just the whore that snagged the brass ring.

I did however want him to marry the whore, in my pained mind she was the only one who could pay him back for what he did to me. Lying, stealing, emotional abuse etc. I was literally afraid he would somehow get out of marrying her. Given she was his direct report, ethics violation charge against him, and a pissed off mayor breathing down his back, I doubt he had much of a choice.

But still I am ashamed to say it was a prayer of mine.

I realize now of course that it wouldn’t matter what he did, he was still a fuck up and would continue to fuck up. But, he did marry the whore, and they went down the path of forever love I am sure. Cheating, bankruptcy, destroying his relationship with our son, so much more; and she got to share all that with him, and help him destroy himself: priceless. There are some things money can’t buy.

I didn’t find out a lot of stuff until years later from my son, but it does sound like they both met their match.

Kim
Kim
2 years ago

I definitely am.

My ex never really treated well. Sure he would do things for me, buy me birthday presents, cook some dinners.

But he also had terrible boundaries, threw me under the bus to placate his ex wife and snotty grown daughter, was always a little nasty to my kids, and was a nasty kind of conflict avoidant passive aggressive. He’d make nasty comments under his breath and play dumb, or he’d walk behind me and change the thermostat right after I’d changed it. He’d look for little passive aggressive ways to be in control.

And while he liked having a much younger wife, he was also very jealous of the fact that I was younger, in great shape, and made good money. He’d say things aimed at making me feel like less so he could feel better. Then of course he’d play dumb.

But I was willing to put up with a lot for someone I thought was honest and trustworthy.

Then I found out he’d kept an ex on the side our entire relationship. When confronted he lied about everything and got over the top nasty because he was terrified of actual conflict. In his world you paint a phony smile on your face and pretend.

So in that sense the ex did me a favor. Once I realized he couldn’t be trusted I was out.

A friend had said this to me: don’t divorce him because of the whore. Divorce him because he’s a nasty prick.

She was absolutely right, at least in my case. Without the whore I’d probably still be married to him and not very happy. Today I have my own house and my 2 young adult sons live here while they go to school and work. The atmosphere is great, and we have 3 cats, a cockatiel, and a huge fish tank (ex didn’t like pets).

And I’ve had a lovely bf for the oast 3 1/2 years.

Ex is old and publicly single, though I’m sure he still talks to whore. But she was on marriage #5 when I left him and he’s never seemed to want to be seen with her. Not good for his image.

He probably doesn’t realize that everyone knows he’s a scumbag.

TruthBeTold
TruthBeTold
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

“Don’t divorce him because of the whore. Divorce him because he’s a nasty prick.”

AMEN!! The other women/men are irrelevant. As many of our serial cheater exes have proven, they move on to the next target as soon as they fancy.

I was thankful for OW during our divorce proceedings. Her existence was definitely to my benefit in more ways than one. Now she’s not on my radar, though I guess that will change if ex ever introduces her to the kids.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Gaaah. The loud muttering and nasty comments. I understand all too well. One time klootzak was muttering loudly so all could hear that he had to clean off the stove top. I asked him if he had a problem with cleaning one thing in the kitchen when he had not planned the meal, bought the groceries, put groceries away, prepped and cooked the meal, served it on heated plates, cleared the dishes, and wiped down the counters as I had done. He just stammered. But he uses the nasty comments to gaslight our child, suggesting to kiddo that klootzak does EVERYTHING and I’m lazy. So toxic.

Brit
Brit
2 years ago

Sounds like we were married to the same man. I planned, shopped, put groceries away, prepped, cooked, set the table, emptied dishwasher and served everyone dinner, cleared table.
During dinner I’d ask cheater how he liked his meal, he’d answer with “it’s alright.”
That was his only response to anything special I cooked or if I did something I was proud of.
After dinner, making heavy sighs, he’d walk into the kitchen, first complain about how many dishes there were, then announce that he could use a little help as he does everything.

He made sure our young son heard that I’m a slob when cooking and he did everything.
There was always his “jokes” if I left anything out like a water bottle that I’m a slob.

In cheaters mind, putting dishes in the dishwasher and mowing our 10×10 front lawn once a week is “everything”. More justification for his cheating.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
2 years ago

I am grateful simply that it showed me who he really was. I saw him as a genuine person who (as he said) would never do what he did.

At least I was no longer living a lie.

DrChump
DrChump
2 years ago

That is the problem I am having with all this. I saw FW as the most Godly person I have ever met. We have been together for 22 years, married 18. When I found out that she was Cheating I was shocker, further devastated that it has gone on since 2015 with multiple men. After 8 months still don’t believe it and because I didn’t catch them red handed and it is so out of character from my image of her i struggle every day. The wisdom and hearing others have gone through similar situations helps me come to terms.
Thank you all

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  DrChump

I too struggled with believing ex was cheating. Even when people I knew had seen him with someone. I was insulted they’d think that In my mind the person I married would never cheat or betray our marriage. He loved our family too much.
My husband was a “man of integrity” The image he portrays to the world is Saintly, a rigid rule follower. I couldn’t grasp that ex was cheating. I realized I married an imposter and I had been conned.

I found CN and began reading others stories I realized there are so many stories like mine.
Circumstances may be different but the stories go by the same playbook.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago
Reply to  DrChump

Very similar situation here, Doc. I had a saintly image of FW XW that is difficult to shake off and impossible to conflate with what her deeds (that I fortunately have hard evidence of) tell me about what she really is. We were together since 16/17 yo, so it makes things hard to come to terms with. It is the slow boiling thing some people commented on this post. But I assure you, seeing them for what they are and trusting that they suck is doable, you’ll get there.

I hear you, I am very sad for you going through all this shit and wish you good. Looks like you’re still trying to wrap your mind around the nonsense of it all and grieving the life you thought you would have. It’s completely normal and attest to your character. I am confident you will enjoy your new FW-free life. She was no prize, you deserve way better than that.

(((Hughs)))

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

Dr Chump…I knew he was petty and mean to me, I knew he could be a real asshole, but he was MY asshole and we had kids. He was dead before I learned that not only had he had sex with his main OW

(he had literally denied it for all of our wreckonciliation but after his death, I literally found the receipts for the trip they took together revealing that even his “coming clean” moment was filled with lies – there must have been something to hide if he went to all that trouble)

after he died, I learned that there were more affairs before

and once I knew that, everything had to been seen with a different set of eyes…not the ones that assumed he was faithful and telling the truth but the ones who knew that he lied and cheated.

there were SO MANY times when he did strange, inexplicable things…I literally described him as a “quirky dude” (and I had known him since I was a teen).

Not long before he died, I was ready to leave him because of his rage…that alone was a good enough reason. I also thought he had some religious decency in him but no matter how much good may have been in the mix…there was a LOT of bad…too much.

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  DrChump

They’re so duplicitous and go so far Underground that you’ll kill yourself “trying to find proof/evidence”.

As CL always says- all of that is irrelevant, “is this relationship acceptable TO YOU?”

Kim
Kim
2 years ago
Reply to  Chris W

I never had proof that it was more then emotional although I did have proof of them going to dinner behind my back, so I assume there was more involved.

What I did find;

He lied about everything and then changed his story based on what I knew.

He threw tantrums to try to force me to rugsweep.

He lied about still talking to her….I saw his LinkedIn where he told her to call him at work.

In his loads of conversations with her he never mentioned me. Not once. He didn’t want me being a part of the conversation. Of course he later claimed that she knew he was married but we all know how much trash on marriage number 5 and still carrying on with my ex respects marriage.

He admitted once that his first thought when confronted was OMG what does she know.

So this and the fact that he was a nasty prick made the marriage unacceptable, so I ended it.

Quetzal
Quetzal
2 years ago

I’m grateful that at the time he picked someone with moral integrity (who hadn’t known she was a chump, too, and had been quick to discard him because of his predatory behavior) and who was willing to have THE conversation that saved my life.

I’d tried other names that had popped up during the trickle-truthing years, but she was the only one to respond and discuss openly with me her side of things. I remember distincly hearing the ring of truth in her voice and how much different it was to hear things from her side rater than his. That night I packed my bags and never came back, it was the final straw.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Quetzal

You may have gotten the best OW out there. What a gift.

portia
portia
2 years ago

My attitude of gratitude is toward the support systems available in my world which allowed me to learn and heal and discard old FOO training and belief systems. Now I am able to live a peaceful life.

I am glad that FW’s tend to end up with each other, and they do so knowing what they are capable of doing. I did not know how easy cheating is to do and justify for some folks. Now I do. I’m grateful to know that.

I do enjoy stories of the disastrous consequences which happen to those who start their relationship with a big lie and expect to reap the benefits of other people’s hard work. When their plans do not work out, and they realize the error in their thinking and methods, it is a delightful moment to savor. I will never forget my Ex asking me how I could possibly afford to retire, own my home, and live comfortably. I said, I worked, saved, and planned for retirement. What happened to your retirement funds that you had accumulated during our 20 year marriage? His answer was typical. “I don’t know.”

I smiled the rest of the afternoon. I am grateful for that. As for his numerous affair partners — I hope they learned something, but I doubt it. I just don’t care about that. A famous line from a country song comes to mind, “My give a damn’s busted!”

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  portia

And the Shrug. The “I don’t know”, and the shrug.

Ridiculous

????

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

I was already very unhappily married to a violent, alcoholic, financial train wreck and had asked for a divorce many times but he always refused. What with the debt he was running up and keeping me very low on sleep for years (maybe 4 non-consecutive hours a night), I didn’t have the energy to take on the battle that I knew the divorce would turn in to. When he met the skank and moved in with her all my dreams were answered and I filed as he was out of the home. The skank left him about 3 years later because (as she made sure to tell everyone) she was “afraid he would kill her” (cudda told ya that sweetheart, if only you’d asked first)! He’s now with someone else and back in the States and on the face of it (FB) life looks good but I don’t believe he had a personality change and she’s probably just putting a good face on it. As for me, I love my life, my freedom to travel (pre-pandemic) and having the money to do it because he’s no longer draining my bank account. So yeah, thanks skank, you did me (and my kids) a great service (and I mean that most sincerely folks)!

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

God, were we married to the same guy? My ex was such a restless sleeper, plus he had sleep apnea, that I never had a sound night. He’d toss and turn and snore and stop breathing. But if I so much as shifted my pillows, he’d yell at me for waking him up. I often stayed in very uncomfortable positions because I was afraid to disturb him. When we had our baby, I slept downstairs on the couch for months because god forbid the baby or I wake him. I never asked for a divorce, though he threatened me with one all the time. He’s also threaten to cheat because I was too fat, or because I didn’t have sex with him (sometimes because I was sick or injured, other times because he’d said/done horrible things to me the day before and never apologized so I was so very not turned on by the idea).

Only difference is, after AP left him (and told everyone she could how he abused her, including his employers, even going so far as to offer to help me in the divorce by testifying to the abuse, and saying she “had evidence”) my ex couldn’t face being rejected and having his reputation ruined like that (he was ALL about his public image) and he took his own life.

Having money is SO nice. I didn’t realize how much of a drain he was until he was gone and I had full control. My expenses stayed about the same (some, like housing went UP), but now I regularly have money left over after paying all my bills (including a hefty legal installment every month). Funny, that.

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago

The Chlorine Special (formerly known as Rider of the Purple Dildo) was never the OM — to the best of my knowledge they met (and fucked for the first time) 9 days after I said “enough.” I’ve never spoken to him — Kunty Kibbler tried a few times under the guise of “best for our daughters” but I don’t play that shit.

I am grateful for him in this respect: my daughters have never once given any indication that they’re stressed out by him being their step-father. They’ve never once indicated that he considers himself to be my ‘replacement.’ The week on/week off custody arrangement that was ordered by the court in 2016 was never a cause for anxiety for them. And I have to think that his presence keeps their mother’s attitude in check, which helps ensure that they have a good relationship with her. As a parent first and foremost, my daughters’ positive emotional growth and well-being has to be my number one concern.

From what I know of him, I wouldn’t be friends with him under other circumstances. He strikes me as extra-ordinarily self-centered, sees being a parent as secondary to his own indulgences, and the sort of faux-bohemian that doesn’t do well in situations that aren’t all about him (echoes of KK). But as far as I know, he’s helped create and manage an environment for my girls that doesn’t make the already bad situation with their mother worse, so for that I’m grateful for him.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

My kids have said many times that they like it more when AP (now husband) is around, because their mother is less angry with them.

I presume that this is some combination of her being less stressed out because he can help with adulting (XW did virtually nothing domestic or child-related during our marriage, so wasn’t prepared for the amount of work it entails), and her putting on a cheerful front for him (he spends about 1/3 of his time 1000 miles away with his kids, so XW is well-advised to put on a good show when he is around. There are plenty of young, rich, hot divorcees in his hometown).

I wouldn’t say I’m *grateful* to him, but I can believe that the situation might well be worse if he were to dump her.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago

I was actually pissed when OW left my ex, because it made my life harder. She kept him busy, tempered him a little, and took care of a lot of things for him (he was pretty helpless). Also she had two kids and I’m sure my ex was on better behavior when they were around. I also knew that with her gone and me doing grey rock, it was likely my son would bear the brunt of his dad’s temper, which really upset me. I could see already see how my kid was learning to lie and hide things that might upset his dad (he lost his skateboard once and left it outside in the rain, and when he couldn’t find it when we had to leave, he said “I’ll just tell daddy I forgot it” and then begged me to please keep looking for it and to not say anything to my ex – it’s sad). My kid was afraid. And I knew exactly why. I lived like that for years. Yelling, silent treatment. Punishment that far exceeded the “crime”. (I have full custody now, since my ex died, and my kid is doing great.)

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago

I suppose I am grateful to the concept of a soul mate.

When my EX started talking about how one of his university students (25 or more years his junior) was his” soul mate,” I finally gave myself permission to divorce. I am not even sure my EX pulled off a relationship of any significance with the soul mate (though the receipts show he was taking her to lunch and gave her a very expensive and inappropriate graduation gift). I suspect their relationship was mostly in his head (or at least I hope it was, more for the young woman’s sake than anything else). I stopped asking questions about her. I was done. By the time we were legally separated two months later, she seemed to be out of the picture. Maybe she ghosted him after graduation? I like to think he declared his love and the fact that his wife wasn’t going to be an obstacle to their future together, and she turned pale and vomited on his shoes at the realization that the egotistic professor who had been flirting with her had a fully elaborated plan for their future as a couple. Alternatively, maybe she just laughed at him.

I had tolerated verbal abuse, physical threats, financial abuse, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and general misery. The soul mate was the last straw.

So, in a way, I am grateful. I was raised to see divorce as failure, but the discovery that he was trying to commit adultery (or maybe even doing so) while accusing me of not being committed enough to his endless needs was enough to make me rethink my principles and find a lawyer.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

” I was raised to see divorce as failure, but the discovery that he was trying to commit adultery (or maybe even doing so) while accusing me of not being committed enough to his endless needs was enough to make me rethink my principles and find a lawyer.”

^^^^^
THIS

He was justifying his abuse of me because I had “failed” as a wife (meaning I did not stroke his ego enough, didn’t make enough money, didn’t have enough sex [??? – we had sex pretty regularly], didn’t stay skinny enough, couldn’t read his mind, didn’t somehow bring him roaring success, etc. etc. etc.), meanwhile he was ACTUALLY STICKING HIS DICK IN HIS COWORKER.

Yeah, I was done.

Chris W.
Chris W.
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Agreed, I got the “accusations of not being committed enough to his needs”, as well. ???? It’s like a complete topic, in and of itself. You can hold down a full time job, do all of the cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, shopping. Sleep only 2 hours a night, and they *still* will claim you weren’t completely dedicated to *their* needs.

????????????????????

RuralChump
RuralChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

FW had been working from home for years before the pandemic hit, and then we spent basically 18 months together every moment of the day, eating every meal together, spending every evening together. Chumpy me thought this adversity was making us closer and more in love than ever. And then one day he pipes up to say he thinks I don’t spend enough time with him (instead of reading), and we never “really talk” anymore. I was like…we literally just had breakfast and talked two hours ago? Do you even realize that most people spend 8 hours a day away at work and don’t see their spouses until they get home? WTF? But of course it was just an excuse to justify looking for a new schmoopie, and nothing is ever enough.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  RuralChump

I think that we could rewrite every thing we did, and do the exact opposite and the fault would be us anyway. I mean I know and handful of cheaters might take the blame for their own actions, but likely not many.

I know one thing that got me was I spent years working in the community civic club at his request, because he had dreams of becoming mayor. Then I got involved in backing his political choice and helped get the incumbent ousted. I did’t do that for me, I did it for him. But, I am betting that his view of that after whore was that I spent too much time in civic duties and in politics and ignored him.

We.will.not.win that argument. And it is frustrating as hell.

The only real complaint my fw ever had about me during our marriage was I was not a spit shiner. Now I was not a bad housekeeper, but I did not spit shine, or stress over it. I don’t know where he got that standard because his mother was just an average house keeper. Sometimes I think because I was very accommodating to him and he pretty much ruled the roost it was all he could focus on to complain about. Anyway fast forward and turns out exit whore makes me look like Martha Stewart in comparison. I only know because my daughter in law told me. (My daughter in law is a spit shiner).

My guess is if I had been a spit shiner, he likely would have used that as his excuse.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Overcoming the mindset about divorce is a big deal. Good for you heading for the exit before being chumped further. It’s hard to remember that we have a choice to stop accepting the crap treatment.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
2 years ago

Grateful for the fact that the existence of the APs served as my 2×4? Sure, I’m philosophically grateful for that. As objects, they served in roles that were helpful to me.

Grateful for any of the actual human beings who were the APs? Not at all. Their choices as humans were terrible. I have no gratitude that any person ever chooses that.

Thing is, the second they each decided to become APs, they objectified themselves. They became wedges, out of order, tumors making the marriage sick. (Well, sicker. The cheater is always the primary cancer.)

So as objects, sure, they were somewhat useful to reveal the heinousness of the cowardly liar. As people, they were heinous and abusive, so I have no goodness to offer there.

Ain't It A Shame
Ain't It A Shame
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

This is exactly how I feel. I’m grateful to have had the rose colored glasses removed about who the ex FW really is when he believes that no one is watching, but I’m in no way grateful to the AP/co-conspirator for this revelation.

The AP, from her conduct (her texts which encouraged FW to emotionally and physically abuse me, as well as her list of women that she fantasized about torturing and killing) is a behaviorally disordered individual. Unfortunately she also has three children and I have concerns about the damage how her behavior will cause her children and other innocent adults.

FuckThatShit
FuckThatShit
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

That’s the closest to the way I feel about AP, we’ll said! I agree that in participating in FW’s machinations she objectified herself, fully aware of it or not matters very little. I don’t feel anything towards that person, much like a rock or piece of furniture. As long as she doesn’t hurt my children more than she already has I am neutral and indifferent to her. I am glad I finally came to my senses but I did that on my own. No one else did the hard work for me.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  FuckThatShit

“As long as she doesn’t hurt my children more than she already has I am neutral and indifferent to her. ”

That is actually what led me to CL. My son and his wife let me know what was going on years later and the crap fw and the whore were pulling. Up to then, meh; but when I found out how they were treating my son and his family, well hell hath no fury…

I never approached them, but I sure advised my son and his wife when they asked.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Well put! I appreciate the role the “soul mate” served, but I have no gratitude toward or even interest in knowing anything about the young woman who was in that role.

LeavingToxicTown
LeavingToxicTown
2 years ago

This is a great challenge for those of us who have reached the other side. Newbies this one is for you.

Yes.

27 year relationship. 20 years married. Thought I was in a happy, secure and loving marriage. When in fact I was married to a covert narcissist with a secret life for at least the last decade. If not for the OW and divine intervention showing me the affair I would never have believe that he was withdrawing money for hookers and whatever else. Never. He gaslighted and made her the pursuer and the evil one and I believed it. This doesn’t change what I think about her character but it really showed me his. Playing the victim. I’m almost four years out from D-Day and I do not envy the pain and hurt for those of you still in the thick of things. It gets better. MUCH better.

I am much less lonely now being alone than I was in the last 5-6 years of my marriage. READ THAT AGAIN. I am much less lonely now being alone than I was in the last 5-6 years of my marriage. Except when I was in it, I didn’t realize it. Hugs to all and Happy Friday.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago

I was often lonely when I was married. I had forgotten what real happiness felt like. “Happiness” was just the avoidance of hurt (“What a nice day we had together. He didn’t yell at me.”).

I am never lonely now that I am single. I enjoy my own company. I actually have friends (my ex didn’t like when I hung out with MY friends, only with his). I even have more family than before (ex had cut off his whole family – now that he is dead, they want to be part of our son’s life, and I realized that it wasn’t them who didn’t care; my son now has another set of grandparents, two aunts, two uncles, and two cousins that he didn’t before).

I LOVE my single life. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago

Yes, I’m less lonely too despite being single. Lots of friends and love in my life, way more than before.

I missed a local meeting last night because I stayed home with our dog who had been to the vet and was tipsy and emotional. A friend just texted me that they missed me and that everyone sent their love and concern for me and my canine friend. So sweet!

I don’t know if romantic love will ever come my way again. Mine was a gray divorce, and I’m not looking for it. All kinds of love are out there though.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

Very similar to me in that I thought I was in a happy secure marriage. I was trusting. I made the fun in our marriage and didn’t complain that he did nothing but show up.

We were married 14 years… friends for 20…and had a sweet little boy. My therapist told me that I didn’t know it, but if FW hasn’t left me, I would have likely left FW after our son graduated. It was hard for me to see it at first.

But once the veil was lifted and I saw all the lies and gaslighting and garbage I had been dealing with (one of the biggest surprises was that when FW left, everything was EASIER. The house was cleaner. He had done so little, that picking up his slack was as simple as taking out the garbage and learning to use the bbq grill)

So once I reached meh and had full clarity… I wanted to send thank you cards to the OW. Holy crap… thank you for taking that piece of shit. Very thankful she is stupid enough to take him.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago

Klootzak goes on work trips and the only differences between him being here and not are that I take out the garbage and I do the laundry because when he is here he doesn’t want me to touch it, which makes me think he probably gets skank reek on his clothes. But yeah… the house is cleaner and we are relaxed. The improvement is immediate.

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
2 years ago

My XH was a business traveler too. The relief I got when he was gone was tremendous especially as the kids grew older & were not as physically demanding. But I wasn’t used to listening to my body. My gut instincts had been confused from day 1 of marriage to EH.

I think his business travel allowed me to keep telling myself “It’s not so bad.”

RuralChump
RuralChump
2 years ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

I remember the same thing, feeling relieved when he used to travel, pre-pandemic. But I just told myself that he’s such an extroverted and lively person, and I’m so introverted and prefer peace and quiet, that it was natural to be happy for a little break. Marriage isn’t supposed to feel like that, I know that now. Also I’m a lot livelier when I don’t have to walk on eggshells at home.

UNicornomore
UNicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

Cheater’s criticisms were incessant. He would criticize from morning to night about everything big and small. If called out on his attitude, he would claim he was kidding then resume a few moments later.

I used his travel to regain my equilibrium and accomplish tasks that would be hard to do with him understood screaming criticisms in my face.

I got so used to it , I didnt know any different.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

The travel changed over time. Early in our relationship, I would miss him when he was gone. Then klootzak and I got married and he allowed his narcissistic, gaslighting, abusive behavior to come out. I started looking forward to him leaving. That should have been my sign right there. When they treat you so badly that you look forward to them being gone, that’s a sign. I thought maybe it just meant that we were getting older and settled but no… I have friends our age who still miss their spouses when they leave for work even after many years of marriage. But at the time, the gaslighting was not even known to me and he would throw up reasons why he had to have all my bank account passwords and that he criticized my weight because he was “concerned for (my) health.” Looking back, it all made me feel uneasy, sad, and trapped. I spackled way too much.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

I’d forgotten about how little they contributed too. He was a lazy slob so when he moved out my life just got easier!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Crazy right? Yet it’s like we are the frog in the water … slowly being boiled and not realizing it. Just by FW leaving, my life improved.

Chris W.
Chris W.
2 years ago

I use this frog being slowly boiled analogy all the time. It’s very apropos to what we all dealt with.

They never bust through the door on Date #1 and outline in explicit detail how they’re going to ruin our lives slowly and surreptitiously.

It’s always the slow boil. With no advance notice.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
2 years ago

Raising both my hands on this one… I didn’t think I would ever get to this feeling of Meh, let alone gratitude for the OW… but here I am, 7 years post-discard/5 years divorced.

Beyond the “not married to a cheating, lying, financially abusive and emotionally stunted whore”, I am grateful that I was able to raise my son to be a very smart, loving, and kind human (he’s 16, Mr. Sparkles walked out when he was in 3rd grade). I modeled strength and resiliency to my son, good life skills for him to have… he saw me grieve my loss; fight for my freedom; and build a loving home where we don’t have “silent treatments” and vague excuses for missing events… we don’t have disappearances to “go shoot pool”… we don’t have a constantly empty bank account. Instead, we have love, open dialogues, awesome vacations and adventures (just took him to an Elton John concert!), we do homework and he’s carrying straight A’s and is self-propelled.

My blessing cup overfloweth… so do I thank the OW(s)… you betcha. And if you’re new or just not to Meh yet… keep on going… you’ll get to gratitude!

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
2 years ago

This is mighty.

chumped48
chumped48
2 years ago

Grateful to the final OW- some of the earlier ones were my friends/students- but this last one must have insisted that he leave me so THANK YOU. I definitely would have spackled till death and my health would be in the toilet. I’m SURE he would have continued to happily consume cake for eternity, so she definitely instigated our divorce and now she’s financially supporting him. She’s a cheater too, so not crazy about my kids having to deal with her, but they barely see their father so most of their time is spent with me, the sane parent. This will definitely affect the rest of their lives so (in Jimmy Fallon voice), thank you, OW for giving me and my children a decent future!!!

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago

“My question is this. Is anyone else grateful for the OW/OM for improving their lives so exponentially? I was committed. We had kids together. I would have kept spackling until I died, probably.”

Yes, I’m quite grateful. After FW cheated on me and left me and the kids for GF#1 I took him back for a hellish reconciliation. I told him I would never give up on him and that I loved him and that I would always be there for him (blah blah blah) and he took the open invitation and perched back on my shoulder for as long as it took to find GF#3/Wifetress and then he was gone again.

So, thank goodness for her. I’ve always said I was grateful that he left again. I wish they weren’t married and I wish neither of them were in my life but I’m still grateful. This man was horrible to me and horrible for me and–even in the face of blatant adultery–I clearly never would have left him. I would have spackled until I died, definitely. What a miserable life I would have had.

Thank goodness he left me again because I never would have left him.

Beth Balance
Beth Balance
2 years ago

I had more than one of these relationships. I’m now engaged to a rock solid, kind, brilliant, chill, funny, responsible, and giving man after a three year relationship break coming to deeply understand and heal my trauma bonding pattern that started with my sociopath narcissist mother, and two years of careful dating with lots of weeding out of men who were damaged, red flag bearing, or boring, etc. My mother had volunteered to testify for my exhusbands parenting when he was on court ordered supervised visits and court ordered psychiatric meds and therapy. I had three kids under five. I was raised by a really bad mother who many found charming. The court got my ex to work and contribute financially and stay on bipolar meds. I couldn’t accomplish that. There were two OW that I knew of. I didn’t know about the cheating at first but the marriage tanked and his financial betrayals accelerated during that period. Yes, I would have spakled for a very long time even though I’d threatened divorce for years. It took a series of these extreme betrayals for me to see my mother and husband for what they were and to figure out that my anxious attachment and trauma bonding pattern had to be healed like a drug addiction. I was wronged of course. But I was easily fooled and put myself in danger. I am oddly grateful for the extremities of betrayals that got me to finally step back and understand the larger emotional dynamics and heal myself.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago

I remember sitting down and typing out a thank you letter to the hundreds of prostitutes, internet hookups ups, sexting partners, and online cam girls a week or so after I left. It was cathartic for me to do that at the time.
Otherwise, I’m more thankful to T-Mobile for sending the notification that his cell phone would no longer work on the new system and that I needed to get him a new one. The account was in my name, so I had to be the one to exchange out the old one. Mere coincidence that an endless stream of texts started popping up while I was sitting in the store waiting my turn. I drove home, packed a bag, and hightailed it out of Dodge…
And I’ve never been happier!

Chumpupthejam
Chumpupthejam
2 years ago

Ah I love it! Thank you, T-Mobile indeed! Sorry that had to happen but thankful it was crystal clear for you. For me it was Amazon. Got an email saying, “Thank you for returning your Avis car rental today. Due to our partnership with Avis, you get Amazon credit for $22 for this rental.” He wasn’t due home yet from a business trip so I wondered why he returned the car early. Turns out he was on vacation with the OW. I didn’t know it then…took me 2 years to figure it all out. But that Amazon email was the beginning of the end.

RuralChump
RuralChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpupthejam

Amazon told me about AP #2 too! Turns out archiving an order doesn’t stop the store from asking the next person to log in if they want to buy another one of the expensive gifts sent to an AP.

Forty Years Freed
Forty Years Freed
2 years ago

Oh Yeah , for the first few weeks/months after D Day I was a wreck , but Tuesday came when I thought of what kind of person would do the things she did with no regard , no empathy , no remorse. And I was equally abhorred by the AP , no thought that he was instrumental in destroying our family. He didn’t care as long as he could wet his weiner. The light bulb came on. Now I am thankful he got that skank out of my life.

P.S. He left her for another 5 years later. Ain’t Karma great…

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago

I’m still desperate to see the ex’s comeuppance.

Beth Balance
Beth Balance
2 years ago

When my story was just that i was victimized by a cheater and lout it didn’t give me an analysis that best contributed to growth and safety. My take away was to pick a better man. That wasn’t enough. I had to realize that from childhood I had become acclimated to loving behavior alternating with abuse, insults and betrayals. All I did was pick the more shiny or well disguised turd. I was a highly accomplished over giving empath type. So instead, I picked very different types of men who would inevitably let me down. After my three years alone dedicated to healing I had mad skills in seeing red flags. I had boundaries. I was emotionally able to be very single and very happy. The main problem was not the cheaters. The main gratitude is nothing outside of myself like the court or the OW. The main problem was my un healed trauma that created shitty discernment. I’m grateful that i understood that I needed to heal trauma driven behavior and I did it.

Rebecca
Rebecca
2 years ago

While I never want to cross paths again with AP, ex-friend and still his live-in co-worker, I am grateful for 3 things:

When he wouldn’t admit he was cheating, she confirmed my suspicions

She has the delight of looking after him as he ages. The hemorrhoids (let’s not go into that), the heart attack at 60 and a lifetime of awful eating…all hers.

He’s not working so joint funds cover my very generous maintenance.

I’m good with all that but thankful or grateful is still a stretch.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
2 years ago

I don’t care as far as the marriage goes. If it wasn’t her then it would have been some other mess. What matters is the example she presents to my 3 adult girls and my grandchildren. She has been living with a married man for 5 years as he has refused to cooperate and I finally filed.
I told the girls that until he divorces me I will not interact with her.

My youngest told me one day that the thing she liked about her dad was that he was so supportive of women and women’s rights. I told her that was one thing I had liked about her dad but that she had to be careful about how she interprets that. I said look at his actions/treatment of women (he also cheats on the mess and the girls know it, he was also not good to his 90 year old mother) in his life beyond the words. I left it at that.

Nursemeh
Nursemeh
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Support for women? What a joke! Maybe he could throw himself under the King’s horse? Or a bus?

TruthBeTold
TruthBeTold
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Oh I would NOT have taken well to the “supportive of women and women’s rights” comment! Sounds like you handled it very well ????

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago

“I was committed. We had kids together. I would have kept spackling until I died, probably. Now, when he talks about getting back together, it makes my skin crawl on a visceral level. I am so relieved that I do what I want, can actually pay all my bills without stress, and am now longer catering to his every need”. (OP)

I could have written this. And also:

“I understand the relief that a FW is someone else’s responsibility now. The parasite finds another host, thank God it’s not you. I feel relief if that person is a Schmoopie (no tag backs!), and pity if it isn’t”. (CL)

I do understand, but in my particular chump story there could have been no relief if XW did end up with AP, unless I could get full custody of the kids and a clause denying AP access to them (both things almost impossible to do). He is a creepy dude, I don’t want that mess anywhere near my kids (had a nightmare with that just the last night). The kids already have an unhealthy ammount of creepiness coming from their mother and her FOO. Thank goodness he dumped her and her vindictiviness towards him has pushed him away from any chance of a “reconciliation” (at least I think, but I don’t understand fuckwits at all).

I think in most situations involving shared custody of kids the X ending up with AP feels at least uneasy. There is some adding insult to injury. I can imagine though the no kids scenario and it sounds just right that the two POSs ended up together, I would have loved that. Would sit down with some popcorn and watch their going for each others jugulars after no time. Just kidding, I wouldn’t waste my time sitting through a freak show: I am currently gaining a life. But it is like someone said here yesterday, I think quoting Velvet Hammer: an affair is a three-legged stool, the chump being one leg. That stool did crumble from my departure. They did put up a good show then but I think the mushroom cloud would have been bigger and more glaring had they stayed together a little longer.

For the guy FW XW is currently taking advantage of I do feel some pity. I thought at first it was genuine sympathy, but no, I am not that good a person: I was 16 when I felt for her tricks; he is 58, he should know better. If she end up hurting him and his family, I just feel relieved it is not me and my kids anymore. That is how cynical I’ve become. I have to admit it is good that I can let my guard down (not really, half guard instead of closed guard, but still a guard) when my kids are around him, because he is not a criminal or someone with an unsavory lifestyle (to my standards).

But as for gratitude… I spare mine to people that willingly did me good, not as a byproduct of sucker punching me or just wanting to get laid by my XW. I am grateful to my kids, my parents, my friends, my therapist, my lawyer, and last but not least, Tracy and her amazing Chump Nation. Without you I would not have lawyered up and lined up my ducks, I would not trust that FW XW sucks, and I would still be spackling.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! A million thanks to Tracy and each fellow chump here.

Betty
Betty
2 years ago

My ex’s last schmoopie actually outed him to me on Facebook after he wouldn’t leave her alone. For some reason I never felt ill will towards her, (she was young and vulnerable, he was her boss). I thank the Lord for her everyday because I would still be in the marriage, fighting for every scrap of crumbs, desperate for him to care about our son. At first it was little things, like being able to pay off credit cards and getting the whole closet to myself. And in the 7 years since, it’s been big things- buying two houses, rental income, traveling the world, and the most loving man who treats my son as his own. All that she gave to me, and she’ll never know how grateful I am.

Looby_Lou
Looby_Lou
2 years ago

The endless devaluing is not missed and I’m grateful someone else has to deal with the lack of common sense and organisational skills.

Apidae
Apidae
2 years ago

Another yes here! I married one of those guys who keeps the worst of his dysfunction under wraps until after the wedding, and then he turned into a whole new person (one who deeply resented being “stuck” in a marriage h wanted instead of being single and free). His affair with OW snapped me out of sparkling.

To give you a sense of his situational awareness, one time when I went over to his apartment to pick up some items of mine he “accidentally” took when he moved out, he whined that women had been hitting on him all the time when he was married but that dried up when he took his ring off.

After we divorced, he and OW got together. I hear he managed to run through a generous financial settlement from her first marriage before dumping her for a younger model. I’m sure he would have done the same with our joint finances if I’d been foolish enough to stick around.

In the aftermath of all that drama I met and married my husband of 20+ years and the father of our children. I have only the vaguest idea of what became of ex and OW, and good riddance.

Trudy
Trudy
2 years ago

I just found out that the ex got dumped by the skank and he’s sad and alone boohoo. He thinks she just wanted to live closer to be with her family but I think she’s got a new boyfriend as that is how she operates. Anyway, I’m glad she kicked him to the curb. I’m grateful, actually. But I still despise her for how she lives her ugly, trashy life.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
2 years ago

I don’t feel gratitude, nor do I feel hatred toward the OW. Toward HER, I feel, mostly, “Meh”. The FW is her problem now, not mine. I certainly know what he is like, and am glad I am out of that nightmare. And I also know what SHE is like (willing to f*ck a married man), so have no sympathy.

I still have nightmares about the FW, though. Not quite to “meh” on him.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Yeah, I don’t hate her. Really never did. But, I can’t be grateful because of the low life she and he both are. He was not her first married man rodeo. I doubt she could compete for any successful single men, they have options.

She had three kids, was financially irresponsible, and her kids were a mess. Not their fault how she raised them, but most successful single guys just won’t go there. So she trolled for married men, and finally found one stupid enough to get her a job as his direct report.

I never did understand how he could have done something so stupid. But there it is.

Likely he thought until his house of cards fell that he had it all under control.

Sue_W
Sue_W
2 years ago

I had suspected my ex was cheating for several years but could never find any proof. In mid-2011, I received a ‘death bed confession’ of sorts in the form of a note from a woman, Margaret, who he worked with in his industry. He spoke of her often, but as she was several years older than him and was caring for her dying husband, I thought nothing of it. Stupid me. She thanked me for “sharing” my husband with her, extolling his wonderful qualities … blah, blah, blah. Never once did she offer any apology. I never mentioned it because my father was dying at the same time and my focus was, of course, on him and my mother.

When my father died in August of that year, a couple from our church came to my mother’s house armed with a laptop and scanner and scanned hundreds of photos of my father. At his memorial service reception, the photos were displayed on eight different story boards, chronicling his eight decades of life. He was the only one in the pictures, but I could remember where he(we) was(were) in every single one. It was completely overwhelming! There before me was the marriage and family life I had always wanted and didn’t have. In that moment, I knew what needed to be done and I set out getting my ducks in a row.

Margaret the AP died in March of 2012. I never let on that I knew about her, but I kept her note tucked carefully away.

2012 brought its own complications… me still mourning my father’s death and helping my mother settle the estate, my father-in-law’s rapidly declining health, and the looming fact that we’d need to declare bankruptcy for the second time in our marriage because of the ex’s poor money management and his accumulation of $100,000+ in credit card debt. (Over a three-year period, I began to notice more and more credit cards, but never once saw a bill (they were sent to his office) and when I questioned, was told to “mind your own f&*$ing business and stay out of mine!” That led me to start writing down the cc numbers and c/s numbers so that I could monitor his balances. I was lucky to figure out his PIN codes,). We filed for bankruptcy in May of 2012. After that, I discovered he was using his father’s money while his father had been put in an assisted living facility (another long story!). His father had years earlier given the ex complete POA and the ex used that power to his full advantage. FIL died in October 2012.

Two weeks before Christmas that year, I went to ex’s office to have a talk with him about ending our marriage come the new year. He agreed.

Now it’s May of 2013 and nothing is happening on the divorce front. He always had an excuse for not wanting to start the process. As I was a SAHM for the past 15 years and was given a monthly ‘stipend’ to run the household, I had no access to other money to retain an attorney. At the same time, I found proof of another suspected affair. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back! My monthly stipend for June went to retain an attorney. I didn’t care about the mortgage and bills at that point … I wanted out!! When my attorney’s office called to say the papers were successfully served, it was THE MOST empowering moment of my life!! That euphoric feeling only lasted a short time until he arrived home to confront me. The 15 months that followed was pure hell!!

The AP didn’t last long until he was on to the next one. He dated three different woman throughout the course of our 15-month divorce and is now remarried to someone else. Good riddance!

The “straw that broke the camel’s back“ AP worked at the time as a make-up artist for a well-known wrestling conglomerate. Googling her several years later (after seeing a friend’s daughter in a wedding photo shoot where AP had done the makeup), I found an article about her career with the wrestling corporation. The article spoke briefly about her personal life and how “her busy work schedule never afforded her the opportunity to find a purposeful relationship that would lead to marriage.” I SO wanted to comment … “well, it certainly didn’t stop her from dating married men with children!” but alas I deleted my comment before hitting the ‘send’ button and went on with my cheater-free life!

So to answer today’s Friday challenge… yes, I’m very grateful in so many ways for the OW(s)!!

“Leave a cheater, gain a life” indeed!!! Thank you, Chump Lady, for all you continue to do to empower us all!! ????????????

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
2 years ago
Reply to  Sue_W

Sue W you showed much mercy to that OW!
“her busy work schedule never afforded her the opportunity to find a purposeful relationship that would lead to marriage.” Ha! The truth probably would have been edited out of the comments.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
2 years ago

At first I wasn’t, but now I am forever grateful to both sumo wrestler slam you down next door neighbor sidepiece and suicidal lot lizard nanny 26 years younger sidepiece. (Don’t get your panties in a wad about their nicknames….they earned those master pieces!) Sumo Wrestler, literally came out swinging and physically assaulting me and my ex husband. When I found out she was beating him, I just smiled and thought he got everything he ever deserved. They are now divorced but solidified the boundaries that I have with him today. *Praise Jesus!*.

Suicidal lot lizard nannypants, stole the heart(ha) and the HR infraction rule book with my ex boyfriend. She cried wolf and said she would harm herself, him, me, his kids and blow up his job and his life on social media if he didn’t hitch himself up with her. She lied about a pregnancy, practiced witchcraft in his house while she was watching his young boys, said she saw ghost and demons, had an eating disorder, was a serious alcoholic and had major high/low mood swings. I tried to “help” him by telling him that if any person threatens to harm themselves or others needs serious psychological help from a doctor. His response, “it was his job to help her because she was his like a part of his family!” Looking back I realize all the crap my ex did to me before she was in the picture (he was serial cheater – social media and dating apps was his playground….100’s of girls he would talk to and some he would randomly meet up with on “business trips” all over). Now, I thank God that he brought that nightmare of a catalyst in my life. That experience was the pivot point that made me do the hard work on myself to set boundaries, recognize red flags in others, and stop giving to undeserving people.

Note: suicidal thoughts is nothing to laugh at and should be taken seriously. That said, it should not be used as a weapon to mindfuck others to stay in a toxic relationship. It’s sick!

Anita
Anita
2 years ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

Where do they find these crazy whores, lol?

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Right?!? It’s like the crazier they are the more the FW gets off. It’s like a perverted sexual, mental and control freak deluge of batshit crazy between the FW and AP. It’s so fucked up!

Strugglingnomore
Strugglingnomore
2 years ago

Grateful to the person who spent three years of her life fighting tooth and nail to steal my husband, break apart my family and destroy my life? That’s a hard no from me. That’s right up there with “he did you a favor”, something well-meaning friends say to me about my ex leaving me for ow. Why should I give either of them any credit for how wonderful my life is now? That is all me, baby! I am grateful to myself for calling an end to the pick-me-dance three months after D-day; grateful to myself for filing for divorce, grateful to myself for building a life better than I could have imagined. I am responsible for where I am now, not the OW

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

????

Giving them fw/ow credit for your (our) new life would be like giving a thief credit for upping your security devices. No.

Ain't It A Shame
Ain't It A Shame
2 years ago

This! I’m grateful for my sibling and friends that were supportive of me and especially grateful that I kicked the trash out to the curb. I lost 340 pounds of drama that day (FW and OW).

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
2 years ago

Amen!!!!

Pink_Nora_Rose
Pink_Nora_Rose
2 years ago

While at first I was extremely jealous and felt extremely insecure, I am deeply grateful for the OW he chose. While she is a very shiny person, she is also very patently a bad person. So patently, in fact, that even FW admitted before leaving that she only had one female friend, and that this was because she effectively despised every other female around her, including her sister. As for males, she treated very well those she deemed worthy of maybe possibly being a (future) love interest, and the rest she despised as well.

And then he left for her in spite of knowing this!

So while at first I felt she was prettier, sexier, younger, sharper, wittier, more professional, more intelligent, more curious, and more accomplished, I am now so glad he chose her, because it was his choice that unveiled him, and seeing the way she trated everyone helped me realise that no, the problem was not me.

Unfortunately, not long after, he got together with someone else, which is a shame, as that means he didn’t have time to truly experience Schmoopie’s full nastiness. What a pity! ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink_Nora_Rose

“Unfortunately, not long after, he got together with someone else, which is a shame, as that means he didn’t have time to truly experience Schmoopie’s full nastiness. What a pity! ”

No that wold have pissed me off in real time. I wanted, no needed for him to have the full low life whore experience and for her to have the full lying asswipe experience. From what little I heard about, they gave it to each other good.

IMarriedJudas
IMarriedJudas
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink_Nora_Rose

What goes around comes around. FW exh got clobbered through his own stupidity after I went no contact and our divorce. Losers never learn.

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago

I’m grateful for the OW like I’m grateful for my garbageman/garbagewoman.

I’m glad the trash is no longer stinking up my house, but I’m not going to write a thank-you card just for doing what you do.

Garbagemen take garbage; OWs take husbands from better women than themselves. It’s who they are and what they do and there’s no need to praise them for it.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Yes! That strikes the right note with me. Any good that came of their ill intentions was an outcome that they did not intend. They weren’t acting as they were to try to help the chump to a better life. It’s like when someone goes through chemo and loses a bunch of weight. They don’t, say, “Thank goodness I had cancer and lost weight!” APs are just being slimy and awful. I would be relieved for one to take klootzak off my hands but grateful is not the right word to use toward them in my opinion. And I admit I used to think I would feel gratitude but the more I have thought about it, they don’t deserve one iota of positive thought from me.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Agree.

Also, I know this is tangential, and we’ve been over this before, but, for the life of me, I can’t understand how the AP’s friends, who are made aware of the nature of the affair (and sordid details like sleeping in each other’s marital beds), continue to support her.

I’m trying to decide if, in my pre-chump state when I enjoyed watching shows like The Affair, I would have done the same.

I shouldn’t care about any of this. And I know I shouldn’t harbor a wish that the friends look at her differently, that she’s fallen a few notches, that it’s “not the same.”

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I think most just adopt a posture of “I’m not going to comment on someone else’s marriage” and try to stay out of it.

Or they think the chump was partially responsible for what happened to them.

Not gonna lie, even I thought things like that until it happened to me. The RIC has made a culture out of blaming the chump and I used to buy into it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Yep, there is comfort in believing that it is partly the chumps fault. If the chump had been a better spouse like they themselves are, well then it wouldn’t have happened.

At least that is their hope.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

“Garbagemen take garbage; OWs take husbands from better women than themselves. It’s who they are and what they do and there’s no need to praise them for it.”

So many smart women/men on here. Wish I could write half as good as most of them.

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Ha, thanks. <3

IPickMe
IPickMe
2 years ago

I’m grateful – but not for OW (although I do enjoy the thought of her dealing with what I did for 10 years). I’m grateful to the universe for staging an intervention. Thank you God/fate/universe…..I needed that.

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago
Reply to  IPickMe

I absolutely credit God in all this.

The Bible says God sends lying spirits (2 Chronicles 18:21), a verse that a lot of people struggle with. But the point of the lying spirits wasn’t to deceive—it was to expose the truth, that Ahab cared nothing about listening to God and would follow hungrily after any lie.

So I’m absolutely open to the possibility that God sent a woman with loose morals and fake Christianity, not to promulgate adultery but to open my eyes and show me who my husband really was.

Doesn’t mean we should thank the lying spirit / Other Woman for playing their unholy part.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  IPickMe

Agreed.

I think God did try to get me to open my eyes before Dday, and I spackled. So he had to eventually smack me in the face with it.

Ouch, but yes Thank you God.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago

I am grateful the OW shit all over him, it was a joy to behold. Thank you, grifting slut.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

I don’t know if “grateful” is the correct term for me. I will say that, if not for her, et al., I would still be spellbound thinking I was married to Mr. Nice Guy and wondering WTF was wrong with me.

I second what Rarity said above. I am grateful for the outcome but not at all for the experience that precipitated it.

Bruno
Bruno
2 years ago

Grateful in this instance reminds me of the Biblical story of Joseph and his brothers. His jealous brothers first leave him to die and then sell him into slavery in Egypt.. He improbably becomes the Pharoah’s second in command. Because of a famine his brother’s travel to Eqypt for food. Joseph recognizes them, messes with them, but eventually reconciles and saves his family from starving. Joseph famously says, “What you intended as harm God has used for good!”
So who should be grateful here for the evil act against Joseph?
-Joseph, because he ended up rich and powerful?
-The brother’s, because their family was saved
Joseph gives credit to God, but you could also say fate or happenstance. No credit is given to the evildoers. Despite Joseph’s reconciling with them, the brother’s always lived in fear of what he could do to them. Joseph goes on to be pretty much a megalomaniac, taking all the land from the peasants and setting the groundwork for the Hebrew captivity.
The original evil was never reconciled.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Yup. Joseph was a golden child. Definitely had FOO issues. lol

Funny you brought this up as I just told my child this story a few days ago. G-d brings the truth to us. The evildoers are just a mechanism used.

As much as this sucks, I find so many things I am grateful for. D-day was a true revelation. D-day #2 was G-d hitting me with a 2 X 4.

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Great example, thank you.

IMarriedJudas
IMarriedJudas
2 years ago

Not grateful in any way, shape or form to FW exh. Is anyone grateful for COVID?

I am grateful that I freed myself from an imitation husband and his sex addiction. I am grateful to the good people who helped me out on the way. I am exceedingly grateful to CL and the kind posters on this site. 🙂

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
2 years ago

Not his OWs per se, but I’m grateful that his current girlfriend has stuck around. She provides stability for my child when she’s over there and keeps my ex from bothering me so much cause he’s preoccupied with their world. When he’s been single, his communication toward me is even more exhausting,

Christina
Christina
2 years ago

I’m not sure I’d say I’m grateful for the OW. She’ along with my ex, caused me so much pain and trauma. They blew up my life and my son’s life (who was just a year old at the time.) She dumped my ex shortly after I filed for divorce and from what I understand is still married years later to her trust fund baby of a husband. But I think she accelerated the inevitable because of it wasn’t her, there would have been another OW at some point. My ex was a secretive liar even before his affair and a prime candidate for cheating. I’m at total meh from a romantic perspective with my ex, but the social and financial fall out of being left and having divorced him is like the gift that unfortunately keeps on giving five years later.

Mighty Sheep
Mighty Sheep
2 years ago

I am oh so grateful my life blew up because now I am out of relationship with FW. It took me nearly two years of living away from him to recognize covert emotional abuse. I couldn’t understand while I was with him why things felt distant, why I couldn’t relax around him, why I didn’t feel I could trust him when he was always so “gentle” and “soft-spoken” and would willingly talk to me about our problems. But then problems that he was actually causing became MY problems, that I had unrealistic expectations and it shouldn’t matter (i.e. desiring that we not constantly be late for things ????) I was folding myself up so so small and over time I was feeling more and more stifled. The hell that came when he was arrested for felonies he’d completely hidden from me was the worst hell I’ve ever experienced. Yet on the other side I am grateful that everything blew up so spectacularly, because I never would have seen the abuse for what it was. I would have just kept folding myself up smaller and smaller for him until I suffocated to death. I am nowhere near healed, but freedom is a beautiful thing.

Beth
Beth
2 years ago

Like Laurie, I would have stayed in my marriage forever, spackling over all of the emotional, financial and sexual abuse, never realizing how not-myself I had become, and how deeply unfulfilled I was on every level within the relationship. So yes, I am grateful, not so much for the long line of OWs that I now know were present for all of my 30+ year relationship, but that I found out the truth before I devoted any more of my life to a man who was not who I believed him to be. I am very, very grateful that I am finding my true self again and living an authentic life. I’m also grateful that ex’s new wife is one of his many stripper OWs who very clearly married him because she was aging out of the stripper game and wanted a meal ticket. I don’t have to feel sorry for her when I say, as I do often, “all sales final – no returns”. 😀

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, I love the is. Marrying an aging stripper. How
classy! You won girl ????

Beth
Beth
2 years ago

I did! I most definitely did! 😀

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago

Maybe it’s just a matter of semantics. For me and I guess at least some fellow chumps here gratitude entails a sense of obligation and commitment to the other person. We are not takers, we reciprocate. I would never put myself in harm’s way to avert some ill from falling onto AP or new boyfriend, which is something I would definitely do for someone I am grateful for whatever. If ill falled onto new boyfriend (as I am sure it will in due time, ask me how I know), I would just shrug my shoulders (maybe pity the guy and certainly be sorry for his daughter); if ill falls onto AP I would gladly participate in it if I had any chance and if it wasn’t against my moral code or my family’s best interest.

Now, if ill should fall onto my FW XW I would (and already did, several times post DDays) intervene for the sake of my children. Given shared custody and their love for her, what is bad for her is bad for them, that’s what I keep repeating to myself. But this obligation stems from my love for the kids, nothing else.

I feel entitled to my bitterness towards these three people. My reactions to each one of them are modulated by my loyalty to my kids and my own moral standards. My goal is to no longer feel anything for any one of these assholes. I feel it’s getting closer by the day.

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago

The final OW in my mirage of a marriage was willing to fight for her man. So desperate she placed a want ad in the newspaper looking for a dance partner ages 48-57, no marrieds as her ultimatum to pick her. They had been having an affair (with him dating multiple women) for a year and a half. You guessed it, he was 57 when he made his choice.

I’m grateful for my therapist, Tracy, and all the chumps who supported me on my journey which ultimately made me file and gain a life. Additionally, I’m grateful for where he landed as it was instant karma. I like to refer to it as the dropping off point and believe he wakes up daily to the skankiest whore imaginable. She allowed him to be himself and true to his nature he dumped his business, moved four times and bought six vehicles over a span of seven years. She landed an investment genius. Unable to afford the rising rent he got her to move to his ultimate cheating ground, Florida. They bought an overpriced trailer in the center of the state where temps are 90 or above with humidity so high the residents are asked to stay inside for a good four months during the daylight hours.

These are the things I’m grateful for after passing the torch to Nancy:
She gets to wake up to a wet bed and wash the sheets.
She gets to listen to his laundry list of complaints; the list is LONG.
She gets to fake an orgasm and service him daily (penis pump /short stick dick).
She has to drive the drunk on a daily basis.
She has to wait for him for an hour and a half every morning while he grooms himself.
She has to listen to that annoying sound he makes while cleaning his teeth with his tongue.
She has to wait every time he gets out of the truck to put on his shirt before locking the car.
She gets to live on a small SS check because he claimed zero on his taxes.
She gets to travel hours to a beach because the only trailer park they could afford was centrally located.
She gets to wish she was a snow bird instead of sitting in sweltering heat all summer.
She gets to watch him check out every ass and tits while she’s out with him.
She gets to scan his phone and constantly be hypervigilant given her experience as the OW.
She thought he filed and never told her he didn’t have and attorney.
Finally, she gets to marry him after her birthday and forever take care of a total coward who is always looking.

I’m grateful that is no longer my life. After divorcing him I got my finances in order and focused on saving for retirement. #stuckwithit