The Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry Contest
Happy Valentine’s Day!
I’m late out of the starting gate this year, but the annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest is back! A day of where we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a signed LACGAL book, and I’ll announce the poet with the most-est tomorrow.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
You have the next 24 hours to send submissions. Enjoy!
There once was a woman named Vickie,
And she is where Mr.Sparkles put his dickie.
Until the day he cheated on her too,
And I was once again the only one who knew,
She was just another chump joining the queue.
There once was a wife called Mandy.
Who was always horny and Randy
She not only fucked me but also another three.
Which wasn’t quite so dandy.
I fucked her off after that
You wrote my limerick! (“I was once again the only one who knew”)
There once was a cheater who ran
As far as he could from his clan
He now wants them back
Without any flack
But they are no longer his fans.
Joanna she looks like his mother.
Actually it’s more like a brother.
He can barely get an erection.
Unless they look like the opposite of perfection.
Still guessing he puts her face under cover while he continues to look for another.
The was once a stupid Schmoopie
Who thought that the problem was me
Til she took my place
And he screamed in HER face
I count myself lucky – I’m free!
Brilliant!
Only been two years,
Look at who’s the millionaire,
All Yours? Rage. Pity!
There once a mom and a dork
On Warcraft they yearned for to pork
Spouses outed their hookups
They compounded their fookups
When the troll priestess married the orc. (No tag backs!)
“I’ll stay with the kids.”
You got waxed before Vegas.
And yet I trusted.
“fookups” just about made me snarf my beverage
And the haiku is haunting. Nicely done.
schmoopie 19 was named cindy
a lot like his mother but not pretty
x gave her a line
she got hooked and in time
shes cooking and cleaning;
he’s grifting
Part 2
schmoopie’s the one with the dough
more spending – she had to say no
to pouting and crying
the x – so conniving
ha ha they stew in their shit show
Counting the affairs
ONE plus ONE and On and ON
Now, She’s the ONE, next.
How’s victim four?
You like the house and hood you
Like, picked her for?
A married narc loved his physique,
Thought it made him special and unique.
He cheated for kibble
And got just a nibble;
Schmoopie dumped him like freak of the week!
Good one!
Kudos for the interline rhyme.
There once was a cheater unnamed
Whose perfect love could not be shamed
Until she learned
She too was burned
By the same two time timing flame
It’s generic but I wanted to play.
Generic or classic? Gotta love a karmic finale ????
Years of online sex
Their true love couldn’t survive
Two months IRL
My vote^
So much in so few words…
So funny! And double–no triple!–points for the three-syllable “IRL”!
I don’t miss ex’s weird family
His mother especially.
Emotionally incestuous
And very tempestuous –
Yay! the boyfriend can deal, and not me.
Snow on budding plum.
AP’s cold sore on my lips,
but…blissful freedom.
Notes:
1. AP counting as two syllable’s there.
2. Cutting word in wrong place, but hopefully that can be forgiven]
Wow, painful imagery there…..but a happy ending nonetheless
Yeah, a double serving of sabi, but seemed appropriate.
I once married a wonderful man
A sh*t father, sh*t husband, then he ran
To a slug with pink hair,
polyamourous, doesn’t care..
On my knees I would cry
Wondering why
My life had gone so awry.
But the joke was on him,
Because it turns out he’s quite dim
And with the help of my friends and all of my might
I finally divorced that soul sucking parasite
Love this, hit home for me
A tart who was festering below
Decided to put it on show
To the man in her bed
Who was already wed
Now he’s festering too, don’t you know!
Omg…????
Great form.
Brilliant!
Eeeeuuww. ????
Ooo good one.
What a fool I was
Found out after thirty years
I wasted my my life
There once was a liar named Sam
Whose lies were held back with a dam
Until the dam burst
And liar was cursed
Now we know his words are a sham
&
One way to feel young
A test stick up the cervix
But not my favourite
That haiku made me spit out a laugh that scared my cat off my lap. Funny, not funny.
There once was a chump who ran,
Starting over, she cried “I can!”
No more porn, hookers, or lies,
She cut all unhealthy ties,
Living her best life without the man.
I love! I’m four months into leaving and divorce. This will be my anthem! I needed this on Valentine’s Day! Thank you, DMC!
You are mighty, Liberated! Here’s to self-love this Valentines!!
I love this one!
I once married a man straight from Hades
To my surprise he loved men and ladies
He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants
So I threw out the trash
And now he supports all their babies
There was a man who loved his money,
He gave a lot of it to his Schmoopie honey.
But soon the wife found out,
He knew he had to fight a bout.
The judge told him to pay the chump back,
Now he is in the red while the wife is in the black.
At least this looks like they way it will go.
This is in honor of my brother with a tip of the hat to Eminem who can rhyme anything.
There once was a mother who left
Leaving behind a family bereft
But they finally did ok
With a new mom, new day
More children who were the new gift.
There should be an “s” there but you know, Eminem
The prostitute fucker got married
Now she gets the burden I carried
Nancy is it
He’s still a piece of shit
The past is now dead and buried
I like !
????????
Ukrainian howorker looking for an upgrade
Normal midlife ups and downs you decided to trade
Now, w schmoopie and “perfect” life, contempt and disdain you misplace
And during BS mediations rage and selfishness so evident on your face
I sit back and realize you, not I, were one who got (self) played.
Okay, a couple more:
My cheater was so fond of fakin’
I ate breakfast forlorn and forsaken
But alone for a while
I grew calm, with a smile:
I liked her, but I truly love bacon.
You turned red and screamed:
“I am not a big fuck up!”
Turns out, you were wrong.
“I liked her, but I truly love bacon” ???? gold!!!
???? These are great!!!! You could probably quit your day job!! ????
Haiku
Midlife crisis seeks
Daddy issues for rescue
I will pack for him
Limerick
There was once a man so empty
That he needed the kibble aplenty
He traded in women
When he found his soul thinning
He should really have just bought a Bentley
so true
You encapsulated the entire experience in those three lines of haiku. And I love love love your last line!
For some reason limericks are flowing fairly freely this morning…
There once was a man with no soul
Who thought he could fill up the hole
With paid sex and orgasms
Which only enlarged the chasm
Until the lies and deceit took their toll
Soon after a groom told his bride
He took her whole life for a ride
The vows and their child
Were not actually his style
She found it was her turn to decide
Sad noble sausage
said I was “hard to live with”;
I trust that he sucks.
You said our problem
was “bad communication”–
I went no contact.
Dang, throwing down skills Adelante!
Bad communication. No contact.
Brilliant!
Nugget of truth in that one! The only way to solve communication issues with a fuckwit is no communication.
????????????????
Thank you for the “bad communication, no contact.” I needed that laugh this morning. Stellar!
Love em! The no contact one is sharp, very clever ????
there once was a junkie named Rob,
also addicted to his job
along came Tisha
(he had to kiss her)
now he chokes her senseless, the knob
Seriously, her name is Tisha? At least you’ve got that.
A Sugar Daddy was your goal
So you traded some sex for your soul
Age 3 when we wed
But you took him to bed
And forever old Dick fills your hole
J, when I think of you some choice words come to mind, your a cheater a player and like to go to bed on time. You sure are good at keeping secrets which is great for your job, but the rest of them I’m sure include a guy named Bob. The last 10 years have been interesting and recently much more, who would have ever known you were such a ….. ! I’ve got this present for you it’s better than a card, divorce papers yay, happy Valentine’s Day
I was once married to a guy named Chuck,
He really was the ultimate shmuck,
He walked out one Christmas,
Next year died of poor fitness,
I couldn’t believe my incredible luck.
Wow, painful imagery there…..but a happy ending nonetheless
Sorry that attached to the wrong post above, but I am glad you had closure.
This limerick, like life,
Conceals so much strife.
Pondered whether to share;
but at this point don’t care.
Abandonment cuts like a knife!
He thought he could keep her a secret
He kept digging himself deeper in it
There’s now His and Hers mess
There is no happiness
The last laugh is mine so I win it!
The Hers mess is the life of the OW, who thought she won the lottery.
Nope.
That line could also be
“Now their lives are a mess…”
Cheater hung his head earnestly
Said I will take time to work on me
No surprise that didn’t last
Subsequent women acquired fast
Can’t be alone lest he feel guilty
The second marriage, a whirlwind romance
Despite COVID, he had to take that chance
His chumped girlfriend blind-sided
When he casually invited
Himself to quarantine in another woman’s pants
Are you sure you didn’t accidentally write this about my ex? Genuine phonies, all of them!
“quarantine in other woman’s pants” hahahaha
A Tesla, capped teeth, and a whore
Midlife left you just wanting More
Now I’ve got the kids,
The house (pots, pans, and lids),
And happily, you got the door
It’s immensely comforting that you have your kids, pots AND lids. Order amidst chaos.
And for me Teslas will always = midlife crises and affairs
Love this!
????????????????
Love it – focusing on what you got not what you lost
“A Tesla, capped teeth, and a whore”/”pots, pans and lids”: perfect for teaching my college students how to use concrete imagery!
Adelante, I was thinking the same!
These are all great, but this one stands out for its careful detail, stylish snark, and attention to meter!
I’ve been single since my Great Chumpdom of 2008-9, and it’s easier and easier to be meh about Valentines Day,* but I am so glad this contest is happening. There is such a variety here of funny and sad. Huzzah!
*Seriously, new chumps, it does get so much better!
Great last line! Perfect limerick
Vote 1+
I wrote this a little over a year after D-Day. Sorry it’s a little long.
Tainted memories of a relationship
What was truth? What was lie?
A life shattered in the blink
Of an eye
Each lie dusted in just enough fact to get by.
Why? I keep asking – why?
The broken vessel can not be repaired
Nor replaced
The pieces must find new use.
Perhaps the Potter can add them to the mix
To create something better
And stronger.
Good liar with eloquence and money
made you think you deserved lots of honeys
with discovery you crashed
our family was smashed
now my life is so much more sunny
Twenty-seven years
You sabotaged my life
Then ran off with strange.
This was fun, lol! There are some great entries here. Love to you all. ????❤️
Married my sweetheart
Who lied for 38 years
Karma engulfs him
My last birthday gift was a pup.
I thought to myself as I supped.
Am I about to retire, with this cheating, scheming liar?
Hell no, the yorkie’s what’s up!
I married a sailor named Jack.
Found out there was much he did lack.
He cheated and raged.
Never grew up, stayed teenaged.
Now I watch as his train leaves the track.
Yorkie love!❤
The one who wins this
When all things are said and done
Is (s)he who lives truth
A family destroyed
You thought our love had no worth
You are just empty
The road I travel
Requires no G.P.S.
Because I’m not lost.
The road you travel
Requires many things,
like penicillin.
“like penicillin” OMG
Oh yeah. Love it.
I like it
I gotta say this one bites well.
There once was a wife who went awhoring
Her husband was just so aboring
Turns out the the tickle she scratched infected her snatch
And gave me an HPV tumor for her humor.
Thanks bitch I hate you!
(sorry, I messed up on last line, but it bitter)
The feels
There once was a covert narc
Who liked to take pictures in the dark
Then he got arrested –
The shame he detested! –
Now he can’t even go to a park.
that last line is perfect. Gut-punch good.
I wonder how you sleep at night
Do you make love or do you fight?
The kids and I survive
On Tuesday we will thrive
But your love and life are tainted by the blight
Trust that they suck
Wish I didn’t give a fuck
I loved and lost
You sunk the cost
And Schmoopie wins the schmuck!
Every year it happens less
Hit by a truck of bitterness
Our life is good
Did what we could
And your life’s a fucking mess
This is fun!
He was my husband
25 years of hard labor
He’s your problem now
To his children, he was loved and a hero.
To their sadness, he unraveled, a zero.
So continued the manipulations and lies.
Having us all puzzled asking…. but why?!?
Emerged a scorched earth saga like Nero.
Cheater was the guy that I married.
Doc said it was trich that he carried.
He pulled the card titled “Jesus”
To cover the mess made between us.
20 years of my life I have buried.
It has been a year
You got better at hiding
But not good enough
Thank you.
Some sequels…
Secrets, a cold wind
I bundle up to face them
Exposed, you walk out
My life turns to mist
I grieve what I thought I had
through tears, I move on
another gut-punch. Well done!
Agreed. That’s good. Faintly threatening, even.
Dedicated to my ex who convinced the ultra-religous Lon Solomon that I had commited adultery thus leaving him free to marry the church secretary.
There once was a dick who tried
to hide all his adulterous rides
He wanted to marry
christian with cherry
to Lon Solomon he lied
There once was a narcissist man
Who went after some strange with a plan
The spouses found out
And he said with a shout
I do it because I know that I can!