Happy Valentine’s Day!
I’m late out of the starting gate this year, but the annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest is back! A day of where we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a signed LACGAL book, and I’ll announce the poet with the most-est tomorrow.
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
You have the next 24 hours to send submissions. Enjoy!
There once was a woman named Vickie,
And she is where Mr.Sparkles put his dickie.
Until the day he cheated on her too,
And I was once again the only one who knew,
She was just another chump joining the queue.
You wrote my limerick! (“I was once again the only one who knew”)
There once was a wife called Mandy.
Who was always horny and Randy
She not only fucked me but also another three.
Which wasn’t quite so dandy.
I fucked her off after that
There once was a cheater who ran
As far as he could from his clan
He now wants them back
Without any flack
But they are no longer his fans.
Joanna she looks like his mother.
Actually it’s more like a brother.
He can barely get an erection.
Unless they look like the opposite of perfection.
Still guessing he puts her face under cover while he continues to look for another.
The was once a stupid Schmoopie
Who thought that the problem was me
Til she took my place
And he screamed in HER face
I count myself lucky – I’m free!
Brilliant!
Only been two years,
Look at who’s the millionaire,
All Yours? Rage. Pity!
There once a mom and a dork
On Warcraft they yearned for to pork
Spouses outed their hookups
They compounded their fookups
When the troll priestess married the orc. (No tag backs!)
“I’ll stay with the kids.”
You got waxed before Vegas.
And yet I trusted.
“fookups” just about made me snarf my beverage
And the haiku is haunting. Nicely done.
schmoopie 19 was named cindy
a lot like his mother but not pretty
x gave her a line
she got hooked and in time
shes cooking and cleaning;
he’s grifting
Part 2
schmoopie’s the one with the dough
more spending – she had to say no
to pouting and crying
the x – so conniving
ha ha they stew in their shit show
Counting the affairs
ONE plus ONE and On and ON
Now, She’s the ONE, next.
How’s victim four?
You like the house and hood you
Like, picked her for?
A married narc loved his physique,
Thought it made him special and unique.
He cheated for kibble
And got just a nibble;
Schmoopie dumped him like freak of the week!
Kudos for the interline rhyme.
Good one!
There once was a cheater unnamed
Whose perfect love could not be shamed
Until she learned
She too was burned
By the same two time timing flame
It’s generic but I wanted to play.
Generic or classic? Gotta love a karmic finale ????
Years of online sex
Their true love couldn’t survive
Two months IRL
So funny! And double–no triple!–points for the three-syllable “IRL”!
My vote^
So much in so few words…
I don’t miss ex’s weird family
His mother especially.
Emotionally incestuous
And very tempestuous –
Yay! the boyfriend can deal, and not me.
Snow on budding plum.
AP’s cold sore on my lips,
but…blissful freedom.
Notes:
1. AP counting as two syllable’s there.
2. Cutting word in wrong place, but hopefully that can be forgiven]
Wow, painful imagery there…..but a happy ending nonetheless
Yeah, a double serving of sabi, but seemed appropriate.
I once married a wonderful man
A sh*t father, sh*t husband, then he ran
To a slug with pink hair,
polyamourous, doesn’t care..
On my knees I would cry
Wondering why
My life had gone so awry.
But the joke was on him,
Because it turns out he’s quite dim
And with the help of my friends and all of my might
I finally divorced that soul sucking parasite
Love this, hit home for me
A tart who was festering below
Decided to put it on show
To the man in her bed
Who was already wed
Now he’s festering too, don’t you know!
Ooo good one.
What a fool I was
Found out after thirty years
I wasted my my life
Eeeeuuww. ????
Brilliant!
Omg…????
Great form.
There once was a liar named Sam
Whose lies were held back with a dam
Until the dam burst
And liar was cursed
Now we know his words are a sham
&
One way to feel young
A test stick up the cervix
But not my favourite
That haiku made me spit out a laugh that scared my cat off my lap. Funny, not funny.
There once was a chump who ran,
Starting over, she cried “I can!”
No more porn, hookers, or lies,
She cut all unhealthy ties,
Living her best life without the man.
I love! I’m four months into leaving and divorce. This will be my anthem! I needed this on Valentine’s Day! Thank you, DMC!
I love this one!
You are mighty, Liberated! Here’s to self-love this Valentines!!
I once married a man straight from Hades
To my surprise he loved men and ladies
He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants
So I threw out the trash
And now he supports all their babies
There was a man who loved his money,
He gave a lot of it to his Schmoopie honey.
But soon the wife found out,
He knew he had to fight a bout.
The judge told him to pay the chump back,
Now he is in the red while the wife is in the black.
At least this looks like they way it will go.
This is in honor of my brother with a tip of the hat to Eminem who can rhyme anything.
There once was a mother who left
Leaving behind a family bereft
But they finally did ok
With a new mom, new day
More children who were the new gift.
There should be an “s” there but you know, Eminem
The prostitute fucker got married
Now she gets the burden I carried
Nancy is it
He’s still a piece of shit
The past is now dead and buried
????????
I like !
Ukrainian howorker looking for an upgrade
Normal midlife ups and downs you decided to trade
Now, w schmoopie and “perfect” life, contempt and disdain you misplace
And during BS mediations rage and selfishness so evident on your face
I sit back and realize you, not I, were one who got (self) played.
Okay, a couple more:
My cheater was so fond of fakin’
I ate breakfast forlorn and forsaken
But alone for a while
I grew calm, with a smile:
I liked her, but I truly love bacon.
You turned red and screamed:
“I am not a big fuck up!”
Turns out, you were wrong.
???? These are great!!!! You could probably quit your day job!! ????
“I liked her, but I truly love bacon” ???? gold!!!
Haiku
Midlife crisis seeks
Daddy issues for rescue
I will pack for him
Limerick
There was once a man so empty
That he needed the kibble aplenty
He traded in women
When he found his soul thinning
He should really have just bought a Bentley
You encapsulated the entire experience in those three lines of haiku. And I love love love your last line!
so true
For some reason limericks are flowing fairly freely this morning…
There once was a man with no soul
Who thought he could fill up the hole
With paid sex and orgasms
Which only enlarged the chasm
Until the lies and deceit took their toll
Soon after a groom told his bride
He took her whole life for a ride
The vows and their child
Were not actually his style
She found it was her turn to decide
Sad noble sausage
said I was “hard to live with”;
I trust that he sucks.
You said our problem
was “bad communication”–
I went no contact.
Thank you for the “bad communication, no contact.” I needed that laugh this morning. Stellar!
????????????????
Nugget of truth in that one! The only way to solve communication issues with a fuckwit is no communication.
Bad communication. No contact.
Brilliant!
Dang, throwing down skills Adelante!
Love em! The no contact one is sharp, very clever ????
there once was a junkie named Rob,
also addicted to his job
along came Tisha
(he had to kiss her)
now he chokes her senseless, the knob
Seriously, her name is Tisha? At least you’ve got that.
A Sugar Daddy was your goal
So you traded some sex for your soul
Age 3 when we wed
But you took him to bed
And forever old Dick fills your hole
J, when I think of you some choice words come to mind, your a cheater a player and like to go to bed on time. You sure are good at keeping secrets which is great for your job, but the rest of them I’m sure include a guy named Bob. The last 10 years have been interesting and recently much more, who would have ever known you were such a ….. ! I’ve got this present for you it’s better than a card, divorce papers yay, happy Valentine’s Day
I was once married to a guy named Chuck,
He really was the ultimate shmuck,
He walked out one Christmas,
Next year died of poor fitness,
I couldn’t believe my incredible luck.
Wow, painful imagery there…..but a happy ending nonetheless
Sorry that attached to the wrong post above, but I am glad you had closure.
This limerick, like life,
Conceals so much strife.
Pondered whether to share;
but at this point don’t care.
Abandonment cuts like a knife!
He thought he could keep her a secret
He kept digging himself deeper in it
There’s now His and Hers mess
There is no happiness
The last laugh is mine so I win it!
The Hers mess is the life of the OW, who thought she won the lottery.
Nope.
That line could also be
“Now their lives are a mess…”
Cheater hung his head earnestly
Said I will take time to work on me
No surprise that didn’t last
Subsequent women acquired fast
Can’t be alone lest he feel guilty
The second marriage, a whirlwind romance
Despite COVID, he had to take that chance
His chumped girlfriend blind-sided
When he casually invited
Himself to quarantine in another woman’s pants
“quarantine in other woman’s pants” hahahaha
Are you sure you didn’t accidentally write this about my ex? Genuine phonies, all of them!
A Tesla, capped teeth, and a whore
Midlife left you just wanting More
Now I’ve got the kids,
The house (pots, pans, and lids),
And happily, you got the door
Vote 1+
Great last line! Perfect limerick
These are all great, but this one stands out for its careful detail, stylish snark, and attention to meter!
I’ve been single since my Great Chumpdom of 2008-9, and it’s easier and easier to be meh about Valentines Day,* but I am so glad this contest is happening. There is such a variety here of funny and sad. Huzzah!
*Seriously, new chumps, it does get so much better!
“A Tesla, capped teeth, and a whore”/”pots, pans and lids”: perfect for teaching my college students how to use concrete imagery!
Adelante, I was thinking the same!
Love it – focusing on what you got not what you lost
????????????????
Love this!
It’s immensely comforting that you have your kids, pots AND lids. Order amidst chaos.
And for me Teslas will always = midlife crises and affairs
I wrote this a little over a year after D-Day. Sorry it’s a little long.
Tainted memories of a relationship
What was truth? What was lie?
A life shattered in the blink
Of an eye
Each lie dusted in just enough fact to get by.
Why? I keep asking – why?
The broken vessel can not be repaired
Nor replaced
The pieces must find new use.
Perhaps the Potter can add them to the mix
To create something better
And stronger.
Good liar with eloquence and money
made you think you deserved lots of honeys
with discovery you crashed
our family was smashed
now my life is so much more sunny
Twenty-seven years
You sabotaged my life
Then ran off with strange.
This was fun, lol! There are some great entries here. Love to you all. ????❤️
Married my sweetheart
Who lied for 38 years
Karma engulfs him
My last birthday gift was a pup.
I thought to myself as I supped.
Am I about to retire, with this cheating, scheming liar?
Hell no, the yorkie’s what’s up!
I married a sailor named Jack.
Found out there was much he did lack.
He cheated and raged.
Never grew up, stayed teenaged.
Now I watch as his train leaves the track.
Yorkie love!❤
The one who wins this
When all things are said and done
Is (s)he who lives truth
A family destroyed
You thought our love had no worth
You are just empty
The road I travel
Requires no G.P.S.
Because I’m not lost.
The road you travel
Requires many things,
like penicillin.
I gotta say this one bites well.
I like it
Oh yeah. Love it.
“like penicillin” OMG
There once was a wife who went awhoring
Her husband was just so aboring
Turns out the the tickle she scratched infected her snatch
And gave me an HPV tumor for her humor.
Thanks bitch I hate you!
(sorry, I messed up on last line, but it bitter)
The feels
There once was a covert narc
Who liked to take pictures in the dark
Then he got arrested –
The shame he detested! –
Now he can’t even go to a park.
that last line is perfect. Gut-punch good.
I wonder how you sleep at night
Do you make love or do you fight?
The kids and I survive
On Tuesday we will thrive
But your love and life are tainted by the blight
Trust that they suck
Wish I didn’t give a fuck
I loved and lost
You sunk the cost
And Schmoopie wins the schmuck!
Every year it happens less
Hit by a truck of bitterness
Our life is good
Did what we could
And your life’s a fucking mess
This is fun!
He was my husband
25 years of hard labor
He’s your problem now
To his children, he was loved and a hero.
To their sadness, he unraveled, a zero.
So continued the manipulations and lies.
Having us all puzzled asking…. but why?!?
Emerged a scorched earth saga like Nero.
Cheater was the guy that I married.
Doc said it was trich that he carried.
He pulled the card titled “Jesus”
To cover the mess made between us.
20 years of my life I have buried.
It has been a year
You got better at hiding
But not good enough
another gut-punch. Well done!
Agreed. That’s good. Faintly threatening, even.
Thank you.
Some sequels…
Secrets, a cold wind
I bundle up to face them
Exposed, you walk out
My life turns to mist
I grieve what I thought I had
through tears, I move on
Dedicated to my ex who convinced the ultra-religous Lon Solomon that I had commited adultery thus leaving him free to marry the church secretary.
There once was a dick who tried
to hide all his adulterous rides
He wanted to marry
christian with cherry
to Lon Solomon he lied
There once was a narcissist man
Who went after some strange with a plan
The spouses found out
And he said with a shout
I do it because I know that I can!
There was once a husband named Dave
And it was men he sure did crave
His wife was just a cover
And her wages he did plunder
But chump change is awarded to those who misbehave
Crazy Big Tits flashed ’em better than me,
Both of ’em thought her pussy sparkles better than thee,
Her keeping up with the botox, extensions & lashes on only 40% of our money,
While my ex sports a toupee to impress his new hunny,
With both of them thinking I’m jelly,
In fact, I’m laughing my ass off to my kids, the shit show now is all too funny!
There once was a ho named Noreen
Who left her K-Y between
The bed and the wall
Though FW took the fall
I know I saw what I seen
Brilliant!
There once was a mistress whose prize,
Was my ex and his endless lies,
Oh how she beamed,
What a stud he seemed!
‘Til skid marks greeted her eyes.
LOL!!!! Ain’t that the truth!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My husband has a sister
And she looks just like you.
Probably thought you were sexy
Maybe thought you were hot
A face like an incest fetish
That’s all you have got
Her last name is Angel, her middle initial is X
She and my ex had lots of sex
He declared she was the finest
She dubbed him the kindest
What mom and coach sneak out in the middle of the night to have sex?
Ditched wife for a twat
for a Boner-incited shudder trot
now he’s a lonely sot
She thought his love was something to savor.
After all the love bombing he gave her.
She traded in her husband for mine.
Only to find out he was not the trustworthy kind.
Oh honey, the odds were never in your favor.
A boy-man swore that he loved me,
‘Till he met her, deciding to flee.
He loved dumb chicks,
He had his fix,
So comes waving his dick at me.
Take your weenie in hand,
Since you think its so grand,
But don’t jerk-off to thoughts of me.
She thought her life was idyllic
Until the night it was pillaged
By a shell of a man
And his ho-wrecking ham
Now she burns up their village
With her laughter of his sad spillage
Dinner for 3
A main
And a side dish
a non starter
woah
In spite of the ’08 crash
Fuckwit mortgaged the house for some cash
So Shmoop’s price-per-fellate
Was at variable rate
And she swiped credit cards with her ass
Great! The meter, the rhymes and the visual!
Lol, thanks!
The best I can do is some doggerel:
The Boy without a Conscience
Battery Boy was his name
For where his heart should be
He had a battery!
Not tormented by honour or shame
Regards truth and fidelity
He had no sympathy!
Extra-curricular activities
Along with duplicity
Were his specialty!
Unmasked, was not very pretty
Not quite human, regrettably
Hallelujah to liberty!
You guys are on fire!!!
There once was a whore in Seattle
Who moved down to LA to battle
An exhausted wife
Who now has a life
And is more than delighted to tattle!
Perfect. ????
Congrats on your promotion, GRE!
Thank you!
You begged to go on a cruise.
Alas, it was only a ruse.
But already you’d been scheming
And sexually deceiving
With some low life you sat with in pews
You had covered your tracks
“It’s all personal attacks!”
Words whispered on the phone
To just me home alone
Came across like jealousy smacks
“I want a divorce”
There is no one else of course!”
“I never really loved you,
But parting as friends I say, adieu”
It’s just life, there no need for remorse..
But then the plot thickens
Seems she’d been quite the dick-ins
With certain coworkers
Been seen by some lurkers
Now the phone call started fittin’
Tipped off by a misplaced note
I left work to check a site remote
A peek at your suit case
Revealed a tube that was not tooth paste
“Cheating for sure”, you can quote
Meeting with the therapist that day
So interested to hear what she’d say
I laid out all I found
Plenty of evidence all around
Red faced, she denied it anyway
“I want a friendly divorce
No reason for strife of course”
“Let’s forget all the lying
A new place you’ll be buying
I’ve got plans I’m sure you’ll endorse”
Hold on just a minute
Your plans? Just bin it
You ain’t driving this car
Just watch from afar
Your lies are more than explicit.
NC, who knew the joy
No longer can you annoy
I remade my life
With a caring new wife
Living the real McCoy.
Once, you thought you owned me.
You come around trying to bone me.
I moved back to town,
You come sniffing around,
Because you want to jones me.
I’m no longer your fix,
I saw your pix,
I think I will impound thee.
Valentine Haiku
Bride four, a child
Younger than his own offspring.
She thinks she’s the third.
Poor little fuckwit
Poor little fuckwit
Hid out in the forest
After gorging on cake every day.
Along came old chumpy
So mean and so grumpy
And took all the kibble away.
Ha!
Lol lol lol
VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS
A dozen roses
(for her.) My gift was herpes
Faithful spouse my ass
It’s an old story
She was his secretary
Ugh. Such a cliché.
Cheater was paying Schmoopie big money in support,
When the Chump found out, she decided to take him to court.
The law will soon have spoken,
That all he can keep is just a token.
May his Schmoopie payments soon be a lot short.
There once was a cheater named Brad
Who made his then-wife very sad
But now she can see
And she’s happy to be
Almost free from that horrible cad
Nice one
There once was a man who jacked
And consequences caused him to be sacked
He was into porn
Since he was born
And now it’s him being whacked
Can you believe all these dumb-ass fuckwits?
The ex-wife mistook hotel beds as “cockpits”
I was chumped and abused
But have the higher of the IQs
Takes her 2 hours just to watch 60 minutes!
“Takes her 2 hours just to watch 60 minutes!”
^^^
Did you come up with this yourself?! I’m truly impressed.
These are all so good!! Happy Valentine’s Day to you all ????❤️
You blindsided me:
“A divorce would not be bad.”
Turns out you were right!
It was actually Valentines Day
That I discovered his new lay
Now they’re married and crappy
But I’m feeling happy
That I finally got away
“I promise I’m not cheating, Hon.
I just want a new bike and some fun.”
Midlife itches to scratch –
For two wheels and fresh snatch,
He can wreck them both now, ‘cause I’m done.
He bought other woman a ring
Together forever they’d cling!
He had to return it
When she chose to spurn it
His twu wuv thinks he’s just a fling
With his AP he got tired.
So she got him fired.
Now he’s moved on with the sitter.
Her life with soon be in the shitter.
Thank God from his games I’ve retired.
No contact it’s true
The only cure for your pain
But Tuesday is here!
Sad sausage fakes his remorse
This unicorn looks like a horse
He told everyone
So that I would look dumb
For not staying married, of course.
Greta was her name
All the Eastern Counties knew her fame
Married men, she thought she’d tame
Long marriages destroyed & hearts were slain
The Cheaters of the Eastern Counties
But Greta, didn’t tame these men, she’s Single old & frumpy
So alas for Gruesome Greta of Eastern Counties fame
There’s No more Rumpy Pumpy down a long dark lane.
Schmoopie was superbly limmericky
And FW was weak with her gimmickry
So talented, he said
As he melted in bed
And found himself trapped by the prickery
I should really add that exgfOW sent him a limerick (about their exploits in bed) while we were at his mother’s 80th birthday event. Got to stay central! He responded once we had returned home with:
‘You are very talented, and good at limericks too’.
I had failed to realise during our 26 years together that, in addition to all my other faults, it was necessary for me to be good at limericks. I am pleased to have this opportunity to improve my ability so that it does not cause problems in any future relationships that I may have at age 62!
there once was a cheater
thought his life would be sweeter
with a girlfriend and wife
but this caused him some strife
and now he has neither
Ah! Technology.
A dozen online girlfriends
Not one rose for me.
A fuckwit who talked about self-actualization
Convinced me to try wreckonciliation
Now he’s alone
With no one to bone
And I’m healing thanks to this Nation
Wonderful! This nation rules!
AP is depressed,
Off work and lives with you now,
Perhaps it is you?
Swore she was the love of his life,
Though in fact she’s another man’s wife,
Stuck with a tart and a slut
Now he’s really in a rut,
Roll on the trouble and strife!
There once was a knave of a man
Who thought he was sexier than
His faithful wife,
She accepts not this life,
And is tossing him out like a can !
There once was a wife to the knave
Who believed in his vow to behave
What a chump was she then,
But now she will win,
Toward new life she goes, sans a wave !
I have the book so this is just for fun. True stories.
The 13th
A heroic colleage dropped the dime
After hearing the AP whine
And lose her shit
Because Fuckwit
Only gave her side chick’s Valentine’s
Waxing and Waning
When his attention
Waned during his son’s illness
Pickme waxed her bum
Oh, “Waxing and Waning” made me guffaw; thanks!
That really happened. The PI caught video of her running– and I mean running– to a bikini waxing salon the morning after FW didn’t show up when our son was really sick.
Oh, wail, what to do when your married douche pays more attention to his children than to YOU??! Bring out the big guns and depilate your bum!
“I’m an asshole.” Could she have made herself any clearer?
I think not.
Waxing and waning… brilliant.
I’m sure you could put an extra copy to good use. I bought three copies of the book, but I’ve given them all away to homes who need them more. At this rate, looks like I could use a lifetime supply. Sadly, I am close to several suspected or confirmed chumps.
Alas, new chumps are made every day.
Your toupee is quite sbitty and fake
Little money do you actually make
Your whore thinks you’re a prize
But everyone knows its all lies
Feel free to go jump in a lake.
*shitty and fake
I thought you were putting creative condoms on your curses lol
Condoms require a dick that works, so that rules my ex out.
LOL
I heard that Viagra stops working for some and the next step is a really expensive drug that gets (ouch) injected directly into the bits.
Seems like a fitting punishment for a FW (obviously non-FWs have my sympathy!)
She captured my soul and my heart
I let her, which just wasn’t smart.
Cleaned me out through and through
Then she coveted you,
But I hear you’re as good at that art.
That was high end!
I took four years to heal from the traumas,
Got career, house, and healthcare (Obama’s).
Ex is homeless and broke,
His teens think he’s a joke.
But at least he’s got three baby mommas.
Disclaimer: I don’t have any kids by the Lying Cheating Loser, but I was bonus mom to his two teens.
love it!
i enjoy poetry with a little bit of politics thrown in for good measure, i do.
Oh my, that was excellent. 🙂
Thanks guys!
If there was an edit button, I would edit the last line thusly:
At last count, he’s got three baby mommas.
Thought he was The One.
Then it turned out he preferred
Bedding my sister.
The math revision
She got his indecision
I got his pension
Will you ever learn,
“Do what’s right, not what’s easy” ?
He’s your monkey now.
My wife had a boyfriend you see
He was completely unknown to me
One day I figured it out
Of her screwing ask about
Then I was blamed by the RIC
Good one! I loved the chump who said something like “cheating is a sea of infinity in which it’s all your fault forever.” Until we step out of the line of fire, then the little blamey darts and arrows clatter on the ground, hah.
There once was a husband named Jim
Who gave up his fam on a whim
It’s no loss to me
I’m finally free
And his pension I’ll enjoy for ages.
A mid-life crisis
Turned into sores on his bits
And I was set free
He couldn’t look into my eyes
His lips told nothing but lies
Can’t lose 1/2 of all he worked for
I dumped his clothes on office floor
Now to wait for his demise
HPV is the silent bitch-slap
Only find out during your pap!
If only there was a big enough q-tip
To test his dick with and then snip
ED is the punishment for today.
He prefers hookers.
I guess they fake it better.
I’m just too honest.
Bahahaha
Love!
A girl wore rose-colored glasses
The fool was tapping some asses
He had several flings
She learned many things
Wise woman left behind ashes
——————————————-
About the woman who got my man-
She seemed simple, but had a plan.
She wanted my life
His love cut like a knife
She got him, and I ran.
——————————————-
He told them all I was flighty
But he’s the one out nightly
Said I was crazy
Reality seemed hazy
Now here I am being mighty.
Yay for mighty!
I love your poem!
There is a cheater I know
Who has a list of every type of Ho
He likes seedy hotels
But I had no sex he yells!
So I packed up and told him where to go
It’s easy to say goodbye
To a spouse who would always lie
Adios mi amigo
You a cheetoh
Fry baby fry
He loved to get laid at the hotel.
Guess he thought that his wife would say “that’s swell”.
She didn’t, of course.
And filed for divorce.
Now he’s alone in his own hell.
He loved to get laid at the hotel.
Guess he thought that his wife would say “that’s swell”.
She didn’t, of course.
And filed for divorce.
Now he’s alone in his own hell.
I can’t help myself…
After batting out with all the rest
At last Fuckwit had found a mistress
Though a pulse sure beats porn
In the grim light of morn
She was Harvey Keitel in a dress
????
What a picture that makes.
A Louis Vuitton for the whore
Must match the braces she wore?
Married 9 years; whore was born
My feeling for you is but scorn
When money is gone, she’ll be no more
At 36 years
I found myself in tears
Lawyers are worth it
“Word salad, word salad, word salad.”
The refrain of cheaters’ nonsense ballad.
Rage, pity or charm,
Every channel leads to harm.
Go No Contact, don’t make this shit valid!
This one! Very good ????
There once was a cheater called Paul
Who bragged that he had it all
Wife, house & whore
The dick still wanted more
So my lawyer nailed him to a wall.
Pack your bags and take a walk
Truth be told, I like to talk
Your ugly whore
Is no more
Unimpressed by your 2-inch cock
This sounds like casting a spell (they work, BTW).
What on earth is that terrible smell?
It’s coming from Esther Perel!
The emperor’s new clothes!
Cheater delusion grows.
Her vile perfume, Chumps does repel.
My wife said, I love you no more!
Married life is such a bore.
So, she left this life in the past
while riding her supervisor’s shaft.
In retrospect, I married an immature whore.
Blow down your own house?
Misunderestimated
A fart in the wind
Love!
So easy to write
What a shit human he is
But <> I’m at meh
The brackets had “shrug” between them
Schoompie’s duck lips did pout
Her oral expertise made the fuckwit shout
The loyal partner was not amused
The fuckwit thought he didn’t have to choose
So his betrayed partner jettisoned the lout
Somewhere in the fog
Two twu wuvs exchange fluids
Chump cuddles her cat
*Please take ‘cat’ literally! I’m laughing at my accidental innuendo.
Graphic!????
There once was a narcissist aged
About money and freedom he raged
Thought his problems he’d ditch
When he screwed a rich bitch
Now fuckwit is hog-tied and caged
Oh consequences…
A divorce that left you broke.
Now shut the fuck up.
There once was a flirtatious co-worker
Who fancied her boss, Captain Kirk-er
Well faith and begorrah
She’s now Lieutenant O’Whora
And I’m free and she’s with the Jerk-er!
Good one! I can see Spock nodding his head calmly, one eyebrow raised, looking slightly perplexed at the foibles of humaniy.
*humanity*
Thanks! WATC…
They actually went to a comic-con type of event for their “Official” first date, and she had her picture taken with William Shatner… ????
Must give credit to a chump nation member … who used “O’Whora “ in one of her posts. I’ve called OW that ever since…
And today is my wedding anniversary!
This was a perfect antidote to my upset over the day!
Divorce final on Thursday.
Congratulations! ????
????
Thank you.
????
Did she actually call him “captain”? Ugh!
No, lol
Poetic license! ????
The pain you caused me
Because you want to fuck strange
Fades like my love did
There once was a serial cheating attorney
He lied straight to my face and used my loyalty against me
He has now married a power hungry former homewrecker
He is not aware of this, best I can detecter
The inevitable consequences has me smiling with glee
She said her name was “Pooh Bear” and you wanted ALL of her honey.
I was left with red eyes and a nose that was runny.
Now she’s stuck with you
and you are BOTH blue
because I took YOUR house and YOUR money!
This isn’t meh, but I’m not there yet:
The only feelings
That I have left for cheater
Are disgust and hate.
Cheating on your wife
Doesn’t make you or your whore
Sophisticated.
You gave up nothing
To pursue freedom except…
Your loving family.
A cold coiled snake slides
close, his forked tongue gleefully
Plundering my mind.
Ooh, that gave me the chills. All of yours are amazing.
Thank you!
The bitch said she’d done it before
Broke a family and spread like a whore
So I said, “here you go –
You can have him, you ho.”
Just don’t nag when you find he’s a chore.
^ Like it.
????????????
There was a porn addiction named Sage,
Who liked all his conquests teenaged.
He got on some apps,
To get laid ASAP,
But all he could get was for pay.
I found a ton of evidence pointing to him not having any luck at all on dating apps, but also found a ton of hooker numbers in his phone, so the above is how I imagine his cheating on me played out IRL.
*addict
She said she was depressed and needed space
Every night to the back bedroom she would race
I began to look about,
found a separate bank account.
She fucked the koi pond guy at our place
The koi pond guy?
So he’s pond scum. But we knew that. ????
OMG, she ties with FW for the “Most Desperate” crown.
You said “be my girl”,
kissed others behind my back.
Yet surprised I left?
After four years he
called and wanted to come back
who is this I said
I love this!
This is the definition of winning. Love it
Once was a girl from Nantucket.
Married a guy then said fuck it.
He did what he could.
She wanted other guy’s wood
And it took a website to part
OHHHHH!!!!!
There once was a fuckwit named Boris,
Whose body, mind and soul were amorphous.
Stuck his foot in the ‘pud
(and his Johnson in a dud)…
You think he’s a joke? Join the chorus!
Skilz. ????????????
I’m sorry, but this is cathartic and I’m not having the best day today.
I’ll stop posting after this.
You got all of it:
Love, caring and loyalty.
You don’t get any more.
I thought you were wrong
Declaring: “I’m an asshole”.
Now I believe you.
Reciprocity
Wasn’t something you practiced
You selfish jackass.
Don’t throw us away
You said to me angrily.
No buddy, you did.
Your Crocodile tears????
You cried for all the sorrow
You caused for yourself!
I can’t get over
That you thought it was thrilling
To defile our bed.
What did your girlfriend
Say when you proposed marriage
While we were married?
You thought it was great
To have a secret girlfriend.
Two clueless fuckwits.
You’ve got some regrets?
You want things back to normal?
Doesn’t work for me.
You think you deserve
My loyalty and love now?
I don’t owe you squat.
Now when I look back
I see that you weren’t so great.
An angry, mean drunk.
Guess life’s not better.
You want to make amends now?
Take a hike, loser.
My wife won’t have sex
What you always told your skanks
You couldn’t perform.
HPV and Trich
HSV, Chlamydia
You’re so disgusting.
Dead shark eyes looking
At the woman who loved you.
I deserved better.
Sorry for over posting.
“What did your girlfriend
Say when you proposed marriage
While we were married?”
I’m sure her repulsive smirk said it all. That’s horrifying.
Oh, the toil of the trace and trail,
These malingering cheaters do wail!
Timid forest creature,
It’s a defining feature
Of cowards who fuck strange then tuck tail.
Last one, I promise! (Channeling Mr. CL, “If it feels good…”)
They were all great. Lmao!
Ok, fine! One more 😉
So THAT’S who you thought was the fairest?
Seriously, you should be embarrassed.
Seeing layers of make up
Is what helped me to break up
With a narcissist who a mask wearest.
I used to be so damn confused,
Up until discovery disabused
Me of my misconceptions –
Saw his lies and deceptions.
A con artist’s double lives, finally fused.
Pick me? I pick ME.
Broken record, heart. Fixed pick.
Dancing with myself.
Make it stop! This challenge is a Valentine’s Day curse (and blessing)!
I really like this one. Taylor swift vibes….
I’m dancing on my own, make the moves up as I go….
Breaking the brevity rule – consider it therapy and forgive me ????
As part of my pick-me dance
You went on vacation to France
You were gone and I wised up
And the assets I sized up
And I left with no backward glance.
You got home and with fury were jerking
Your credit cards no longer working
And You’d forgotten the pin
Of your bankcard again.
Five years later and I’m still smirking.
With divorce all safe under seal
Then came the big gay reveal.
Poor kids rocked and reeled
“THAT’S out of left field!”
They didn’t know what to feel.
“Oh kids, aren’t you happy for me?
At last I can be really free
Celebrate that I’m out
Or else I will pout
And make your future lives misery.”
And dear reader that’s just what he did
In different ways to each kid
Until they disconnected
And contact deflected
And away from his influence slid.
The more that they saw him for real
The meaner he got – that’s his spiel.
Now kids say: “What the f*ck?
Why tell us you schmuck
Tell mum – she got the raw deal.
“We’re ok with the same sex attraction
But not with the self-satisfaction He showed when rejecting
Our mum we’re respecting –
That’s where he really lost traction.”
Apologies for the long saga
Possibly sank too much lager
But its really quite fun
When the words start to run
To make rhymes of the whole farrago.
Bravo! Excellent.
No shame, I couldn’t resist doing a longer one too.
This is really brilliant.
And I’m so sad this happened to you and your kids!
If we’re dedicating this to the AP’s, I’d like to immortalize the gem of an AP my ex chose and encapsulate my experience with a four-parter.
My ex’s howorker was Kath
She mate-poached and triggered my wrath
She ran like a chicken
Lest I give her a lickin’
Both a failed and exposed psychopath
Her chumped husband’s first name was Peter
She refused to let mere vows defeat her
She ran shit out of luck
I informed her poor cuck
Of the truth, the dumb bitch is a cheater
I dubbed him a cuck since he stayed
Though I told him how much she got laid
One guy was his brother
There were dozens of others
This guy was that thoroughly played
So here I am now sans fuckwit
He’s “reformed”, meh, who gives a shit
I’m not getting re-chumped
‘Cause the bastard got dumped
That worked out quite well, didn’t it.
Back at ya with the bravo! That’s a beaut.
He’s reformed, meh, who gives a shit…..
Fucking priceless right there.
I think this deserve the you broke the rules so can’t win but deserve an honorable mention. I think this is outstanding
I love this contest. Thanks for great entertainment CN! So many incredibly clever, witty, acerbic, poignant contributions. Hard job for the judges. ❤❤
There was a man who shared my bed
He screwed a girl with a bobble-head
I gave him a chance
did a pick-me dance
And now couldn’t care if he was dead.
You started staying out late
Took my son out with you on a date
You were so smug
So I put Tabasco on your dildo and butt plug
Enjoy the next time you masterbate
Burn – literally ????????
This is genius
Hair plugs, skinny jeans
And suddenly manscaping
Impending D-Day
Those Gen Z gals he’s trying to impress won’t bite if he’s wearing skinny jeans 😉
LOL! Thanks so much bread&roses! I really needed to hear that.
My wife is too old
I deserve so much better
Found a replacement
When commitment to your spouse begins to deplete
Your marital bed is the best place to cheat
Never mind the family photos on the wall
Claim phone died if husband or wife tries to call
Then put this stimulating deception routine on repeat
It didn’t take a genius
to see that your tiny peni-us
was all you ever truly cared about.
You paid top dolla
to watch little girls holla
and believed they loved you truly for yourself.
Every gross and vile decision
is, like water, prone to risen
to a level that is lower than my worth.
Don’t know why I fell for trouble
when it looked (literally) like Barney Rubble,
but I did, it’s done, and you, sir, are the worst.
He left me for someone with cankles
If I look closer, they are more like thankles
I’m sure her fat legs wrap
Around his limp dick and he’ll slap
Her fat ass that’s doesn’t wear spanks, oh hell!
FYI- thankles are cankles that start at the thigh and go ALL THE WAY down to the ankle. Gross.
I like how you inserted the modern day girdle ????
Midlife crisis made me pay for a face lift, new tits and hairdo
But it was for the maintenance guy at church you would screw
I got cancer and was sick
Yet you would still suck his little dick
And then he cheated on you
Haha!
YWLINIBYLI
I love you but I’m
Afraid my new lawyer is
Not in love with you
Love this!
The dork I married hatched a plot
Thought he could cheat and not get caught
“She’ll never know!”
As I recorded his show
So I exposed his deceit and told everyone within earshot!
I enjoy the thought
when age overrides your charm
old man with cologne
The sick little poems left for me
when you were fucking a neighbour or three
your blame-shifting was seen
psychopathic and mean
at least I get to age gracefully
The discovery
that adrenaline can last
for over a week
I’m safe now I know
you won’t be killing my dog
or threatening me
Your sudden bomb drop
became a lifeline for me
and schmoopie left you
I really like your limerick. Such insight and strength. Really it shows in all of these.
“The discovery
that adrenaline can last
for over a week”
^^^
This conveys so much. Very good haiku – writing it down.
Oh Nancy where are you now?
Waking up in a 40 year old trailer asking how?
Oh Earl, your dream girl cries!
Your future faking to my surprise!
The plan was for you to support me; not married a cow.
I was leaving a foreign country after breaking up with my boyfriend, and it was the day before I was ready to go. I needed a place to stay, so I went to a friend’s house and stayed in his guest room. Upon hearing my story, that my ex boyfriend kind of tricked his way into getting my furniture, he wrote this:
The man she thought he was
Was nowhere to be seen.
After many tries and sad goodbyes,
He hovered in between.
His eyes got mesmerized
By the riches that were leaving
He plotted, planned and strategized,
And gave up time for grieving.
Like a vulture he stayed in her midst,
He smiled and helped her leaving
All the while, beneath the guile,
He strategized a thieving.
Her love for who she thought he was
He played on to the max
Knowing all her weaknesses,
He planned out his attacks.
Constantly returning, he helped her with his van.
Doing things she couldn’t do; she had to have a man.
She wanted to repay him, but had no way to pay
The time was right to show his might, so then he seized the day.
Visible his horns appeared
He went for everything.
Making sure he paid her,
the Lord now of the ring.
There’s nothing more that he can do
to have more what he’d like
She’s now aware he doesn’t care
there’s nothing left to strike
Roses are red,
Violets are black
You would look better
With a _______in your back.
Def not a poet, ( Cl & CN Rock). Loved all the talent above ^^
A saturnine cheater named Xavier
presented himself as my savior
From sadness and boredom;
But he turned to whoredom
And other dishonest behavior.
Deciphering his accent–laborious
but the love-bombing stage still was glorious
Til I found out online
He was wasting my time
With APs and OWs notorious.
I used to think he looked attractive
Though overly thin and inactive
But delapidation
And his dissipation
Are now all I see retroactive.