Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

The Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry Contest

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’m late out of the starting gate this year, but the annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest is back! A day of where we remember the less fortunate — the poor freaks that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winner gets a signed LACGAL book, and I’ll announce the poet with the most-est tomorrow.

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.

Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

You have the next 24 hours to send submissions. Enjoy!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • There once was a woman named Vickie,
    And she is where Mr.Sparkles put his dickie.
    Until the day he cheated on her too,
    And I was once again the only one who knew,
    She was just another chump joining the queue.

    • There once was a wife called Mandy.
      Who was always horny and Randy
      She not only fucked me but also another three.
      Which wasn’t quite so dandy.

      I fucked her off after that

  • There once was a cheater who ran
    As far as he could from his clan
    He now wants them back
    Without any flack
    But they are no longer his fans.

  • Joanna she looks like his mother.
    Actually it’s more like a brother.
    He can barely get an erection.
    Unless they look like the opposite of perfection.
    Still guessing he puts her face under cover while he continues to look for another.

  • The was once a stupid Schmoopie
    Who thought that the problem was me
    Til she took my place
    And he screamed in HER face
    I count myself lucky – I’m free!

  • There once a mom and a dork
    On Warcraft they yearned for to pork
    Spouses outed their hookups
    They compounded their fookups
    When the troll priestess married the orc. (No tag backs!)

    “I’ll stay with the kids.”
    You got waxed before Vegas.
    And yet I trusted.

  • schmoopie 19 was named cindy

    a lot like his mother but not pretty

    x gave her a line

    she got hooked and in time

    shes cooking and cleaning;
    he’s grifting

  • A married narc loved his physique,
    Thought it made him special and unique.
    He cheated for kibble
    And got just a nibble;
    Schmoopie dumped him like freak of the week!

  • There once was a cheater unnamed
    Whose perfect love could not be shamed
    Until she learned
    She too was burned
    By the same two time timing flame

    It’s generic but I wanted to play.

  • I don’t miss ex’s weird family
    His mother especially.
    Emotionally incestuous
    And very tempestuous –
    Yay! the boyfriend can deal, and not me.

  • Snow on budding plum.
    AP’s cold sore on my lips,
    but…blissful freedom.

    1. AP counting as two syllable’s there.
    2. Cutting word in wrong place, but hopefully that can be forgiven]

  • I once married a wonderful man
    A sh*t father, sh*t husband, then he ran
    To a slug with pink hair,
    polyamourous, doesn’t care..

    On my knees I would cry
    Wondering why
    My life had gone so awry.

    But the joke was on him,
    Because it turns out he’s quite dim
    And with the help of my friends and all of my might
    I finally divorced that soul sucking parasite

  • A tart who was festering below
    Decided to put it on show
    To the man in her bed
    Who was already wed
    Now he’s festering too, don’t you know!

  • There once was a liar named Sam
    Whose lies were held back with a dam
    Until the dam burst
    And liar was cursed
    Now we know his words are a sham


    One way to feel young
    A test stick up the cervix
    But not my favourite

  • There once was a chump who ran,
    Starting over, she cried “I can!”
    No more porn, hookers, or lies,
    She cut all unhealthy ties,
    Living her best life without the man.

  • I once married a man straight from Hades
    To my surprise he loved men and ladies
    He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants
    So I threw out the trash
    And now he supports all their babies

  • There was a man who loved his money,
    He gave a lot of it to his Schmoopie honey.
    But soon the wife found out,
    He knew he had to fight a bout.
    The judge told him to pay the chump back,
    Now he is in the red while the wife is in the black.

    At least this looks like they way it will go.

  • This is in honor of my brother with a tip of the hat to Eminem who can rhyme anything.

    There once was a mother who left
    Leaving behind a family bereft
    But they finally did ok
    With a new mom, new day
    More children who were the new gift.

    There should be an “s” there but you know, Eminem

  • The prostitute fucker got married
    Now she gets the burden I carried
    Nancy is it
    He’s still a piece of shit
    The past is now dead and buried

  • Ukrainian howorker looking for an upgrade

    Normal midlife ups and downs you decided to trade

    Now, w schmoopie and “perfect” life, contempt and disdain you misplace

    And during BS mediations rage and selfishness so evident on your face

    I sit back and realize you, not I, were one who got (self) played.

  • Okay, a couple more:

    My cheater was so fond of fakin’
    I ate breakfast forlorn and forsaken
    But alone for a while
    I grew calm, with a smile:
    I liked her, but I truly love bacon.

    You turned red and screamed:
    “I am not a big fuck up!”
    Turns out, you were wrong.

  • Haiku
    Midlife crisis seeks
    Daddy issues for rescue
    I will pack for him

    There was once a man so empty
    That he needed the kibble aplenty
    He traded in women
    When he found his soul thinning
    He should really have just bought a Bentley

  • For some reason limericks are flowing fairly freely this morning…

    There once was a man with no soul
    Who thought he could fill up the hole
    With paid sex and orgasms
    Which only enlarged the chasm
    Until the lies and deceit took their toll

    Soon after a groom told his bride
    He took her whole life for a ride
    The vows and their child
    Were not actually his style
    She found it was her turn to decide

  • Sad noble sausage
    said I was “hard to live with”;
    I trust that he sucks.

    You said our problem
    was “bad communication”–
    I went no contact.

  • there once was a junkie named Rob,
    also addicted to his job
    along came Tisha
    (he had to kiss her)
    now he chokes her senseless, the knob

  • A Sugar Daddy was your goal
    So you traded some sex for your soul
    Age 3 when we wed
    But you took him to bed
    And forever old Dick fills your hole

  • J, when I think of you some choice words come to mind, your a cheater a player and like to go to bed on time. You sure are good at keeping secrets which is great for your job, but the rest of them I’m sure include a guy named Bob. The last 10 years have been interesting and recently much more, who would have ever known you were such a ….. ! I’ve got this present for you it’s better than a card, divorce papers yay, happy Valentine’s Day

  • I was once married to a guy named Chuck,
    He really was the ultimate shmuck,
    He walked out one Christmas,
    Next year died of poor fitness,
    I couldn’t believe my incredible luck.

  • He thought he could keep her a secret
    He kept digging himself deeper in it
    There’s now His and Hers mess
    There is no happiness
    The last laugh is mine so I win it!

    • The Hers mess is the life of the OW, who thought she won the lottery.


      That line could also be

      “Now their lives are a mess…”

  • Cheater hung his head earnestly
    Said I will take time to work on me
    No surprise that didn’t last
    Subsequent women acquired fast
    Can’t be alone lest he feel guilty

    The second marriage, a whirlwind romance
    Despite COVID, he had to take that chance
    His chumped girlfriend blind-sided
    When he casually invited
    Himself to quarantine in another woman’s pants

  • A Tesla, capped teeth, and a whore
    Midlife left you just wanting More
    Now I’ve got the kids,
    The house (pots, pans, and lids),
    And happily, you got the door

  • I wrote this a little over a year after D-Day. Sorry it’s a little long.

    Tainted memories of a relationship
    What was truth? What was lie?
    A life shattered in the blink
    Of an eye
    Each lie dusted in just enough fact to get by.
    Why? I keep asking – why?
    The broken vessel can not be repaired
    Nor replaced
    The pieces must find new use.
    Perhaps the Potter can add them to the mix
    To create something better
    And stronger.

  • Good liar with eloquence and money
    made you think you deserved lots of honeys
    with discovery you crashed
    our family was smashed
    now my life is so much more sunny

  • This was fun, lol! There are some great entries here. Love to you all. ????❤️

    Married my sweetheart
    Who lied for 38 years
    Karma engulfs him

    My last birthday gift was a pup.
    I thought to myself as I supped.
    Am I about to retire, with this cheating, scheming liar?
    Hell no, the yorkie’s what’s up!

    I married a sailor named Jack.
    Found out there was much he did lack.
    He cheated and raged.
    Never grew up, stayed teenaged.
    Now I watch as his train leaves the track.

  • There once was a wife who went awhoring
    Her husband was just so aboring

    Turns out the the tickle she scratched infected her snatch

    And gave me an HPV tumor for her humor.

    Thanks bitch I hate you!

    (sorry, I messed up on last line, but it bitter)

  • There once was a covert narc
    Who liked to take pictures in the dark
    Then he got arrested –
    The shame he detested! –
    Now he can’t even go to a park.

  • I wonder how you sleep at night
    Do you make love or do you fight?
    The kids and I survive
    On Tuesday we will thrive
    But your love and life are tainted by the blight

    Trust that they suck
    Wish I didn’t give a fuck
    I loved and lost
    You sunk the cost
    And Schmoopie wins the schmuck!

    Every year it happens less
    Hit by a truck of bitterness
    Our life is good
    Did what we could
    And your life’s a fucking mess

    This is fun!

  • To his children, he was loved and a hero.
    To their sadness, he unraveled, a zero.
    So continued the manipulations and lies.
    Having us all puzzled asking…. but why?!?
    Emerged a scorched earth saga like Nero.

  • Cheater was the guy that I married.
    Doc said it was trich that he carried.
    He pulled the card titled “Jesus”
    To cover the mess made between us.
    20 years of my life I have buried.

  • Dedicated to my ex who convinced the ultra-religous Lon Solomon that I had commited adultery thus leaving him free to marry the church secretary.

    There once was a dick who tried
    to hide all his adulterous rides
    He wanted to marry
    christian with cherry
    to Lon Solomon he lied

  • There once was a narcissist man
    Who went after some strange with a plan
    The spouses found out
    And he said with a shout
    I do it because I know that I can!

  • There was once a husband named Dave
    And it was men he sure did crave
    His wife was just a cover
    And her wages he did plunder
    But chump change is awarded to those who misbehave

  • Crazy Big Tits flashed ’em better than me,
    Both of ’em thought her pussy sparkles better than thee,
    Her keeping up with the botox, extensions & lashes on only 40% of our money,
    While my ex sports a toupee to impress his new hunny,
    With both of them thinking I’m jelly,
    In fact, I’m laughing my ass off to my kids, the shit show now is all too funny!

  • There once was a ho named Noreen

    Who left her K-Y between

    The bed and the wall

    Though FW took the fall

    I know I saw what I seen

  • There once was a mistress whose prize,
    Was my ex and his endless lies,
    Oh how she beamed,
    What a stud he seemed!
    ‘Til skid marks greeted her eyes.

  • Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    My husband has a sister
    And she looks just like you.

    Probably thought you were sexy
    Maybe thought you were hot
    A face like an incest fetish
    That’s all you have got

  • Her last name is Angel, her middle initial is X

    She and my ex had lots of sex

    He declared she was the finest

    She dubbed him the kindest

    What mom and coach sneak out in the middle of the night to have sex?

  • She thought his love was something to savor.

    After all the love bombing he gave her.

    She traded in her husband for mine.

    Only to find out he was not the trustworthy kind.

    Oh honey, the odds were never in your favor.

  • A boy-man swore that he loved me,
    ‘Till he met her, deciding to flee.

    He loved dumb chicks,
    He had his fix,
    So comes waving his dick at me.

    Take your weenie in hand,
    Since you think its so grand,
    But don’t jerk-off to thoughts of me.

  • She thought her life was idyllic
    Until the night it was pillaged
    By a shell of a man
    And his ho-wrecking ham
    Now she burns up their village
    With her laughter of his sad spillage

  • In spite of the ’08 crash
    Fuckwit mortgaged the house for some cash
    So Shmoop’s price-per-fellate
    Was at variable rate
    And she swiped credit cards with her ass

  • The best I can do is some doggerel:

    The Boy without a Conscience

    Battery Boy was his name
    For where his heart should be
    He had a battery!

    Not tormented by honour or shame
    Regards truth and fidelity
    He had no sympathy!

    Extra-curricular activities
    Along with duplicity
    Were his specialty!

    Unmasked, was not very pretty
    Not quite human, regrettably
    Hallelujah to liberty!

  • There once was a whore in Seattle
    Who moved down to LA to battle
    An exhausted wife
    Who now has a life
    And is more than delighted to tattle!

  • You begged to go on a cruise.
    Alas, it was only a ruse.
    But already you’d been scheming
    And sexually deceiving
    With some low life you sat with in pews

    You had covered your tracks
    “It’s all personal attacks!”
    Words whispered on the phone
    To just me home alone
    Came across like jealousy smacks

    “I want a divorce”
    There is no one else of course!”
    “I never really loved you,
    But parting as friends I say, adieu”
    It’s just life, there no need for remorse..

    But then the plot thickens
    Seems she’d been quite the dick-ins
    With certain coworkers
    Been seen by some lurkers
    Now the phone call started fittin’

    Tipped off by a misplaced note
    I left work to check a site remote
    A peek at your suit case
    Revealed a tube that was not tooth paste
    “Cheating for sure”, you can quote

    Meeting with the therapist that day
    So interested to hear what she’d say
    I laid out all I found
    Plenty of evidence all around
    Red faced, she denied it anyway

    “I want a friendly divorce
    No reason for strife of course”
    “Let’s forget all the lying
    A new place you’ll be buying
    I’ve got plans I’m sure you’ll endorse”

    Hold on just a minute
    Your plans? Just bin it
    You ain’t driving this car
    Just watch from afar
    Your lies are more than explicit.

    NC, who knew the joy
    No longer can you annoy
    I remade my life
    With a caring new wife
    Living the real McCoy.

  • Once, you thought you owned me.
    You come around trying to bone me.

    I moved back to town,
    You come sniffing around,
    Because you want to jones me.

    I’m no longer your fix,
    I saw your pix,
    I think I will impound thee.

  • Poor little fuckwit

    Poor little fuckwit
    Hid out in the forest
    After gorging on cake every day.

    Along came old chumpy
    So mean and so grumpy
    And took all the kibble away.

  • Cheater was paying Schmoopie big money in support,
    When the Chump found out, she decided to take him to court.
    The law will soon have spoken,
    That all he can keep is just a token.
    May his Schmoopie payments soon be a lot short.

  • There once was a cheater named Brad
    Who made his then-wife very sad
    But now she can see
    And she’s happy to be
    Almost free from that horrible cad

  • There once was a man who jacked
    And consequences caused him to be sacked
    He was into porn
    Since he was born
    And now it’s him being whacked

  • Can you believe all these dumb-ass fuckwits?
    The ex-wife mistook hotel beds as “cockpits”

    I was chumped and abused
    But have the higher of the IQs

    Takes her 2 hours just to watch 60 minutes!

    • “Takes her 2 hours just to watch 60 minutes!”

      Did you come up with this yourself?! I’m truly impressed.

  • These are all so good!! Happy Valentine’s Day to you all ????❤️

    You blindsided me:
    “A divorce would not be bad.”
    Turns out you were right!

  • It was actually Valentines Day
    That I discovered his new lay
    Now they’re married and crappy
    But I’m feeling happy
    That I finally got away

  • “I promise I’m not cheating, Hon.
    I just want a new bike and some fun.”
    Midlife itches to scratch –
    For two wheels and fresh snatch,
    He can wreck them both now, ‘cause I’m done.

  • He bought other woman a ring
    Together forever they’d cling!
    He had to return it
    When she chose to spurn it
    His twu wuv thinks he’s just a fling

  • With his AP he got tired.
    So she got him fired.
    Now he’s moved on with the sitter.
    Her life with soon be in the shitter.
    Thank God from his games I’ve retired.

  • Sad sausage fakes his remorse
    This unicorn looks like a horse
    He told everyone
    So that I would look dumb
    For not staying married, of course.

  • Greta was her name
    All the Eastern Counties knew her fame
    Married men, she thought she’d tame
    Long marriages destroyed & hearts were slain
    The Cheaters of the Eastern Counties

    But Greta, didn’t tame these men, she’s Single old & frumpy
    So alas for Gruesome Greta of Eastern Counties fame
    There’s No more Rumpy Pumpy down a long dark lane.

  • Schmoopie was superbly limmericky
    And FW was weak with her gimmickry
    So talented, he said
    As he melted in bed
    And found himself trapped by the prickery

    • I should really add that exgfOW sent him a limerick (about their exploits in bed) while we were at his mother’s 80th birthday event. Got to stay central! He responded once we had returned home with:

      ‘You are very talented, and good at limericks too’.

      I had failed to realise during our 26 years together that, in addition to all my other faults, it was necessary for me to be good at limericks. I am pleased to have this opportunity to improve my ability so that it does not cause problems in any future relationships that I may have at age 62!

  • there once was a cheater
    thought his life would be sweeter
    with a girlfriend and wife
    but this caused him some strife
    and now he has neither

  • A fuckwit who talked about self-actualization
    Convinced me to try wreckonciliation
    Now he’s alone
    With no one to bone
    And I’m healing thanks to this Nation

  • Swore she was the love of his life,
    Though in fact she’s another man’s wife,
    Stuck with a tart and a slut
    Now he’s really in a rut,
    Roll on the trouble and strife!

  • There once was a knave of a man
    Who thought he was sexier than
    His faithful wife,
    She accepts not this life,
    And is tossing him out like a can !

    There once was a wife to the knave
    Who believed in his vow to behave
    What a chump was she then,
    But now she will win,
    Toward new life she goes, sans a wave !

  • I have the book so this is just for fun. True stories.

    The 13th

    A heroic colleage dropped the dime
    After hearing the AP whine
    And lose her shit
    Because Fuckwit
    Only gave her side chick’s Valentine’s

    Waxing and Waning

    When his attention
    Waned during his son’s illness
    Pickme waxed her bum

      • That really happened. The PI caught video of her running– and I mean running– to a bikini waxing salon the morning after FW didn’t show up when our son was really sick.

        Oh, wail, what to do when your married douche pays more attention to his children than to YOU??! Bring out the big guns and depilate your bum!

    • Waxing and waning… brilliant.

      I’m sure you could put an extra copy to good use. I bought three copies of the book, but I’ve given them all away to homes who need them more. At this rate, looks like I could use a lifetime supply. Sadly, I am close to several suspected or confirmed chumps.

  • Your toupee is quite sbitty and fake
    Little money do you actually make
    Your whore thinks you’re a prize
    But everyone knows its all lies
    Feel free to go jump in a lake.

  • She captured my soul and my heart
    I let her, which just wasn’t smart.
    Cleaned me out through and through
    Then she coveted you,
    But I hear you’re as good at that art.

  • I took four years to heal from the traumas,
    Got career, house, and healthcare (Obama’s).
    Ex is homeless and broke,
    His teens think he’s a joke.
    But at least he’s got three baby mommas.

    Disclaimer: I don’t have any kids by the Lying Cheating Loser, but I was bonus mom to his two teens.

  • My wife had a boyfriend you see
    He was completely unknown to me
    One day I figured it out
    Of her screwing ask about
    Then I was blamed by the RIC

    • Good one! I loved the chump who said something like “cheating is a sea of infinity in which it’s all your fault forever.” Until we step out of the line of fire, then the little blamey darts and arrows clatter on the ground, hah.

  • There once was a husband named Jim
    Who gave up his fam on a whim
    It’s no loss to me
    I’m finally free
    And his pension I’ll enjoy for ages.

  • He couldn’t look into my eyes
    His lips told nothing but lies
    Can’t lose 1/2 of all he worked for
    I dumped his clothes on office floor
    Now to wait for his demise

  • HPV is the silent bitch-slap
    Only find out during your pap!
    If only there was a big enough q-tip
    To test his dick with and then snip
    ED is the punishment for today.

  • A girl wore rose-colored glasses
    The fool was tapping some asses
    He had several flings
    She learned many things
    Wise woman left behind ashes
    About the woman who got my man-
    She seemed simple, but had a plan.
    She wanted my life
    His love cut like a knife
    She got him, and I ran.
    He told them all I was flighty
    But he’s the one out nightly
    Said I was crazy
    Reality seemed hazy
    Now here I am being mighty.

  • There is a cheater I know
    Who has a list of every type of Ho
    He likes seedy hotels
    But I had no sex he yells!
    So I packed up and told him where to go

  • He loved to get laid at the hotel.
    Guess he thought that his wife would say “that’s swell”.
    She didn’t, of course.
    And filed for divorce.
    Now he’s alone in his own hell.

  • He loved to get laid at the hotel.
    Guess he thought that his wife would say “that’s swell”.
    She didn’t, of course.
    And filed for divorce.
    Now he’s alone in his own hell.

  • I can’t help myself…

    After batting out with all the rest
    At last Fuckwit had found a mistress
    Though a pulse sure beats porn
    In the grim light of morn
    She was Harvey Keitel in a dress

  • A Louis Vuitton for the whore
    Must match the braces she wore?
    Married 9 years; whore was born
    My feeling for you is but scorn
    When money is gone, she’ll be no more

  • “Word salad, word salad, word salad.”
    The refrain of cheaters’ nonsense ballad.
    Rage, pity or charm,
    Every channel leads to harm.
    Go No Contact, don’t make this shit valid!

  • There once was a cheater called Paul
    Who bragged that he had it all
    Wife, house & whore
    The dick still wanted more
    So my lawyer nailed him to a wall.

  • Pack your bags and take a walk
    Truth be told, I like to talk
    Your ugly whore
    Is no more
    Unimpressed by your 2-inch cock

  • What on earth is that terrible smell?
    It’s coming from Esther Perel!
    The emperor’s new clothes!
    Cheater delusion grows.
    Her vile perfume, Chumps does repel.

  • My wife said, I love you no more!
    Married life is such a bore.
    So, she left this life in the past
    while riding her supervisor’s shaft.
    In retrospect, I married an immature whore.

  • Schoompie’s duck lips did pout
    Her oral expertise made the fuckwit shout
    The loyal partner was not amused
    The fuckwit thought he didn’t have to choose
    So his betrayed partner jettisoned the lout

  • There once was a narcissist aged
    About money and freedom he raged
    Thought his problems he’d ditch
    When he screwed a rich bitch
    Now fuckwit is hog-tied and caged

  • There once was a flirtatious co-worker
    Who fancied her boss, Captain Kirk-er
    Well faith and begorrah
    She’s now Lieutenant O’Whora
    And I’m free and she’s with the Jerk-er!

  • There once was a serial cheating attorney
    He lied straight to my face and used my loyalty against me
    He has now married a power hungry former homewrecker
    He is not aware of this, best I can detecter
    The inevitable consequences has me smiling with glee

  • She said her name was “Pooh Bear” and you wanted ALL of her honey.

    I was left with red eyes and a nose that was runny.

    Now she’s stuck with you

    and you are BOTH blue

    because I took YOUR house and YOUR money!

  • This isn’t meh, but I’m not there yet:

    The only feelings
    That I have left for cheater
    Are disgust and hate.

    Cheating on your wife
    Doesn’t make you or your whore

    You gave up nothing
    To pursue freedom except…
    Your loving family.

  • The bitch said she’d done it before
    Broke a family and spread like a whore
    So I said, “here you go –
    You can have him, you ho.”
    Just don’t nag when you find he’s a chore.

  • There was a porn addiction named Sage,
    Who liked all his conquests teenaged.
    He got on some apps,
    To get laid ASAP,
    But all he could get was for pay.

    I found a ton of evidence pointing to him not having any luck at all on dating apps, but also found a ton of hooker numbers in his phone, so the above is how I imagine his cheating on me played out IRL.

  • She said she was depressed and needed space
    Every night to the back bedroom she would race
    I began to look about,
    found a separate bank account.
    She fucked the koi pond guy at our place

  • Once was a girl from Nantucket.
    Married a guy then said fuck it.
    He did what he could.
    She wanted other guy’s wood
    And it took a website to part

  • There once was a fuckwit named Boris,
    Whose body, mind and soul were amorphous.
    Stuck his foot in the ‘pud
    (and his Johnson in a dud)…
    You think he’s a joke? Join the chorus!

  • I’m sorry, but this is cathartic and I’m not having the best day today.
    I’ll stop posting after this.

    You got all of it:
    Love, caring and loyalty.
    You don’t get any more.

    I thought you were wrong
    Declaring: “I’m an asshole”.
    Now I believe you.

    Wasn’t something you practiced
    You selfish jackass.

    Don’t throw us away
    You said to me angrily.
    No buddy, you did.

    Your Crocodile tears????
    You cried for all the sorrow
    You caused for yourself!

    I can’t get over
    That you thought it was thrilling
    To defile our bed.

    What did your girlfriend
    Say when you proposed marriage
    While we were married?

    You thought it was great
    To have a secret girlfriend.
    Two clueless fuckwits.

    You’ve got some regrets?
    You want things back to normal?
    Doesn’t work for me.

    You think you deserve
    My loyalty and love now?
    I don’t owe you squat.

    Now when I look back
    I see that you weren’t so great.
    An angry, mean drunk.

    Guess life’s not better.
    You want to make amends now?
    Take a hike, loser.

    My wife won’t have sex
    What you always told your skanks
    You couldn’t perform.

    HPV and Trich
    HSV, Chlamydia
    You’re so disgusting.

    Dead shark eyes looking
    At the woman who loved you.
    I deserved better.

    Sorry for over posting.

    • “What did your girlfriend
      Say when you proposed marriage
      While we were married?”

      I’m sure her repulsive smirk said it all. That’s horrifying.

  • Oh, the toil of the trace and trail,
    These malingering cheaters do wail!
    Timid forest creature,
    It’s a defining feature
    Of cowards who fuck strange then tuck tail.

    Last one, I promise! (Channeling Mr. CL, “If it feels good…”)

      • Ok, fine! One more 😉

        So THAT’S who you thought was the fairest?
        Seriously, you should be embarrassed.
        Seeing layers of make up
        Is what helped me to break up
        With a narcissist who a mask wearest.

      • I used to be so damn confused,
        Up until discovery disabused
        Me of my misconceptions –
        Saw his lies and deceptions.
        A con artist’s double lives, finally fused.

      • Pick me? I pick ME.
        Broken record, heart. Fixed pick.
        Dancing with myself.

        Make it stop! This challenge is a Valentine’s Day curse (and blessing)!

  • Breaking the brevity rule – consider it therapy and forgive me ????

    As part of my pick-me dance
    You went on vacation to France
    You were gone and I wised up
    And the assets I sized up
    And I left with no backward glance.

    You got home and with fury were jerking
    Your credit cards no longer working
    And You’d forgotten the pin
    Of your bankcard again.
    Five years later and I’m still smirking.

    With divorce all safe under seal
    Then came the big gay reveal.
    Poor kids rocked and reeled
    “THAT’S out of left field!”
    They didn’t know what to feel.

    “Oh kids, aren’t you happy for me?
    At last I can be really free
    Celebrate that I’m out
    Or else I will pout
    And make your future lives misery.”

    And dear reader that’s just what he did
    In different ways to each kid
    Until they disconnected
    And contact deflected
    And away from his influence slid.

    The more that they saw him for real
    The meaner he got – that’s his spiel.
    Now kids say: “What the f*ck?
    Why tell us you schmuck
    Tell mum – she got the raw deal.

    “We’re ok with the same sex attraction
    But not with the self-satisfaction He showed when rejecting
    Our mum we’re respecting –
    That’s where he really lost traction.”

    Apologies for the long saga
    Possibly sank too much lager
    But its really quite fun
    When the words start to run
    To make rhymes of the whole farrago.

  • If we’re dedicating this to the AP’s, I’d like to immortalize the gem of an AP my ex chose and encapsulate my experience with a four-parter.

    My ex’s howorker was Kath
    She mate-poached and triggered my wrath
    She ran like a chicken
    Lest I give her a lickin’
    Both a failed and exposed psychopath

    Her chumped husband’s first name was Peter
    She refused to let mere vows defeat her
    She ran shit out of luck
    I informed her poor cuck
    Of the truth, the dumb bitch is a cheater

    I dubbed him a cuck since he stayed
    Though I told him how much she got laid
    One guy was his brother
    There were dozens of others
    This guy was that thoroughly played

    So here I am now sans fuckwit
    He’s “reformed”, meh, who gives a shit
    I’m not getting re-chumped
    ‘Cause the bastard got dumped
    That worked out quite well, didn’t it.

    • He’s reformed, meh, who gives a shit…..

      Fucking priceless right there.

      I think this deserve the you broke the rules so can’t win but deserve an honorable mention. I think this is outstanding

  • I love this contest. Thanks for great entertainment CN! So many incredibly clever, witty, acerbic, poignant contributions. Hard job for the judges. ❤❤

  • There was a man who shared my bed
    He screwed a girl with a bobble-head
    I gave him a chance
    did a pick-me dance
    And now couldn’t care if he was dead.

  • You started staying out late
    Took my son out with you on a date
    You were so smug
    So I put Tabasco on your dildo and butt plug
    Enjoy the next time you masterbate

  • When commitment to your spouse begins to deplete
    Your marital bed is the best place to cheat
    Never mind the family photos on the wall
    Claim phone died if husband or wife tries to call
    Then put this stimulating deception routine on repeat

  • It didn’t take a genius
    to see that your tiny peni-us
    was all you ever truly cared about.

    You paid top dolla
    to watch little girls holla
    and believed they loved you truly for yourself.

    Every gross and vile decision
    is, like water, prone to risen
    to a level that is lower than my worth.

    Don’t know why I fell for trouble
    when it looked (literally) like Barney Rubble,
    but I did, it’s done, and you, sir, are the worst.

  • He left me for someone with cankles
    If I look closer, they are more like thankles
    I’m sure her fat legs wrap
    Around his limp dick and he’ll slap
    Her fat ass that’s doesn’t wear spanks, oh hell!

  • Midlife crisis made me pay for a face lift, new tits and hairdo
    But it was for the maintenance guy at church you would screw
    I got cancer and was sick
    Yet you would still suck his little dick
    And then he cheated on you

  • The dork I married hatched a plot
    Thought he could cheat and not get caught
    “She’ll never know!”
    As I recorded his show
    So I exposed his deceit and told everyone within earshot!

  • I enjoy the thought
    when age overrides your charm
    old man with cologne

    The sick little poems left for me
    when you were fucking a neighbour or three
    your blame-shifting was seen
    psychopathic and mean
    at least I get to age gracefully

    The discovery
    that adrenaline can last
    for over a week

    I’m safe now I know
    you won’t be killing my dog
    or threatening me

    Your sudden bomb drop
    became a lifeline for me
    and schmoopie left you

  • Oh Nancy where are you now?
    Waking up in a 40 year old trailer asking how?
    Oh Earl, your dream girl cries!
    Your future faking to my surprise!
    The plan was for you to support me; not married a cow.

  • I was leaving a foreign country after breaking up with my boyfriend, and it was the day before I was ready to go. I needed a place to stay, so I went to a friend’s house and stayed in his guest room. Upon hearing my story, that my ex boyfriend kind of tricked his way into getting my furniture, he wrote this:

    The man she thought he was
    Was nowhere to be seen.
    After many tries and sad goodbyes,
    He hovered in between.

    His eyes got mesmerized
    By the riches that were leaving
    He plotted, planned and strategized,
    And gave up time for grieving.

    Like a vulture he stayed in her midst,
    He smiled and helped her leaving
    All the while, beneath the guile,
    He strategized a thieving.

    Her love for who she thought he was
    He played on to the max
    Knowing all her weaknesses,
    He planned out his attacks.

    Constantly returning, he helped her with his van.
    Doing things she couldn’t do; she had to have a man.
    She wanted to repay him, but had no way to pay
    The time was right to show his might, so then he seized the day.

    Visible his horns appeared
    He went for everything.
    Making sure he paid her,
    the Lord now of the ring.

    There’s nothing more that he can do
    to have more what he’d like
    She’s now aware he doesn’t care
    there’s nothing left to strike

  • Roses are red,
    Violets are black
    You would look better
    With a _______in your back.

    Def not a poet, ( Cl & CN Rock). Loved all the talent above ^^

  • A saturnine cheater named Xavier
    presented himself as my savior
    From sadness and boredom;
    But he turned to whoredom
    And other dishonest behavior.

    Deciphering his accent–laborious
    but the love-bombing stage still was glorious
    Til I found out online
    He was wasting my time
    With APs and OWs notorious.

    I used to think he looked attractive
    Though overly thin and inactive
    But delapidation
    And his dissipation
    Are now all I see retroactive.

  • >