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The OW Signs My Support Checks

Dear Chump Lady,

I have been divorced from ex-shithead for five months now. We have two teenage daughters. I receive child support and alimony weekly with a direct deposit going right into my checking account from exH. Additional expenses regarding our daughters are split 50/50. Because I have primary custody, I pay for what they need and he would be responsible to send me payment for his half.

With school just starting there are obvious expenses. I sent exH an email outlining the expenses and requested a check from him for his half. I get home yesterday and there is a check in the mail from him…….but it is written and signed by the OW!!!!!!! I know he is the one who handles the money (the control issues he has). My best guess is that he or she or both of them did this to bait me and get under my skin!

Honestly, it did bother me initially. After processing through the emotions of it, I am better now. I am just happy to have the check. But when the cheaters do this stupid shit it sets you back in the healing!!!! Why on earth do they continue to do things like this?? What could they possibly get from this? How do you get to meh when it seems that they just want to draw you back in ?



Dear Kimmy,

Hey, it’s a check. I don’t care if Satan signed it — cash it and don’t give it another thought.

I have never in nearly 14 years of divorced “co-parenting” EVER received 50% of additional expenses, despite the fact that’s in my court order. Never. Ever. I could drop a paper bomb of dental receipts, dermatology bills, school fees, field trip permission slips, and  emergency room visit bills over northern Virginia. That man wouldn’t open his wallet unless held up by gunpoint, and even then I tend to doubt it. He’d probably rather die.

Kimmy, Kimmy, look at the big picture here. You’re getting support WEEKLY. You got some kind of awesome settlement other chumps can only dream of. Full custody, alimony, support, AND 50% of additional expenses. Moreover, you’ve got an ex that PAYS IT. Do you know how many people have unpaid support? Or exes who conveniently lose their jobs, work under the table, and welch out on their commitments?

I know, you don’t want to eat your brussel sprouts and I’m giving you the starving orphan in Africa guilt trip. But please put this in perspective — what did the OW “win”? She won a cheater. AND a dude that’s happy to have her PAY HIS BILLS.

And she’s so desperate to do the “pick me” dance — she does it!!!

And what do you get?


Do you see how this works out in your favor?

Oh please, OW, teach me another lesson and write me another check. Yes, yes, you won. Sally needs a pony. That will be $5,000 plus boarding costs.

If this idiot wants to goad you by writing checks, dear God woman, LET her. Is she trying to fuck with you? Oh probably — and see my point above — you get MONEY.

But! But! She’s trying to be all superior and put you in your place and get at you!

Only if you let her. You won. You lost a cheater and gained a good settlement for life without him. She won a manipulator, a guy who’s quite happy to let her write his checks. He’s a cad. And she’s his new sucker.

Quit asking yourself why they did it, or what their motivations are. That’s untangling the skein. Fold the money, stick it in your wallet, and focus on your new and improved cheater-free life.

This one ran previously. Back to regular programming tomorrow.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • My ex’s live-in GF writes checks for his half of kid’s activities. I run to the bank to make sure it clears. All I think of is that she is such a dumbass for paying for stuff but that is her issue. Money is money.
    Still waiting for divorce settlement, it has been almost 8 years. He is faking disability and on SSDI and I was able to get a judge to order the kid’s derivative benefits come to me. SSDI is like clockwork, I don’t have to rely on him, and I have been able to save it for their college education.

    • And just imagine how much the OW must feel having YOUR rights, and the responsibility for seeing to them, rubbed in HER face, when the responsibility is HIS. Ick ick ick ick ick karma.

  • I guess I see it completely differently. I’m THRILLED if the OW has to write me a check. I saw that FW had to borrow money from OW to pay support to me while we were still in the divorce. I’m sure that was fun! Step back and realize that that was STRESSFUL for them.

    So celebrate it! I love knowing that she has to deal directly with me. That in order to keep her piece of sparkly turd, it comes with a price. I’m a thorn in her side and I’m not even doing anything… it’s all because he cheated with her. They are both idiots.

    I don’t care who pays me — either way, OW has won a shit human. It’s costing her everything. ✌️

    • I LOVE knowing my monthly payments are part of the AP’s money. Ex is currently on disability and she’s working full-time.

      When I post travel photos, celebrations or other times I look amazing, I sometimes make them public knowing she sees them!

      I have zero issues and enjoy knowing I’m living my best life, not working and getting money she’s working for.

      If she thinks that bothers me, then she is SO wrong.

      The phrase “laughing all the way to the bank” comes to mind ????

    • Right?! I would LOVE for OW to have to pay me! That would be a beautiful thing.

  • Someone who owed me money once wrote in the note line of a check. “Final payment. No further monies owed.” Whatever, thief. Feel good about your “legal” comment. I still got money you owed me that you didn’t want to pay. I wanted so badly to endorse the check with the comment added “restitution”. Better to let it go.

    • Yeah, my FW ex tried that soon after I left with a too-small, and long overdue, Venmo payment accompanied by a gaslighting “paid-in-full” message. The whole situation was already pathetic because this payment was a fraction of what he owed/owes me big picture, so his lying BS this time was one shit sandwich too many and I couldn’t let it go. It was symbolic and at the time I felt like I needed to stand up for myself by fighting for it. In reality, it’s such a meager and unworthy sum that it merely added insult to injury and wasn’t worth the calories.

      So… all in the Venmo messages (I always keep them private but he’s not the most savvy, so who knows if anyone could see his), I responded that his math was incorrect, and then I itemized the payments and set the record straight: You owed $x for physical therapy for the shoulder injury you gave me when you assaulted me (this amount actually didn’t come close to covering the PT), and you owed $y for the expensive computer (you repeatedly cheated on me with and that you continue to use daily for your hobbies and income) you let me buy you five years ago while I was working my ass off and you were secretly cheating on me and getting big workers comp payments… so you still owe me $z – which you agreed to. You cry that you don’t have the money but you are investing all kinds of money in the house that *you* are building on the land your mom gave you, while you live rent free – the home and land that I contributed to for well over a decade and will never see a penny of. Meanwhile, I am working overtime and paying expensive rent on a small apartment, which is the best I can do right now. If you feel what you’ve paid me (for the injury you caused and for a valuable item I mistakenly bought for you in good faith) isn’t enough, I would gladly accept repayment for the years of mortgage payments (especially the ones I paid you that you pocketed), the untold thousands I spent improving the house and property, the lion’s share of groceries I purchased to feed you, years worth of time and labor, countless gifts purchased for you and your family members all those years your were subjecting me to a double life, the clothing and items of mine you destroyed with your “temper,” and the legal and deed work I did for free for you and your family. What you’ve agreed to repay me is only a fraction of what I deserve. [I didn’t actually write *all* of that there – some was in a previous email – but you get the gist.] He responded, “I’m sorry b&r, I made a mistake tallying,” and he paid the couple hundred bucks. Essentially the last exchange we had, except for one emotional and awful phone call that really cemented his suckiness. Fifteen years of love and loyalty ended with that.

      Still hadn’t discovered CL, but a great example of “if it feels good, don’t do it.” Obviously, I didn’t “show him” and just felt trashy and dramatic and powerless. Overboard, futile and not my best moment – in fact, one of my worst and most childish, but I was at my wits end and didn’t give a fuck about my dignity – or much of anything, for that matter. There I was, quarantining in a tiny rental apartment while he continued to live like a spoiled king of the castle in *our* home – and he still had the gall to try to steal more from me and to complain about his financial situation. Six months prior, he’d begged me to return with all kinds of reasonable promises, only to welcome me with every kind of abusive behavior – worse than ever. A month before, he was still cycling through the cheater channels but begging me to stay and shamelessly lovebombing. Then instead of repaying me or behaving with even a smidgen of accountability or decency, telltale radio silence (one OW was his GF within a week of my departure, though he tried to hide it from me I knew the signs.)

      That Venmo message from him was the last straw and hit me at the wrong moment, as I was beginning to grasp the degree to which I had allowed myself to be abused and taken advantage of for years. When it came to FW, I could ignore him/accept his avoidance of any and all accountability and eat the shit sandwich/take the loss, or I could engage, give him more kibbles and control, and leave empty handed and still feeling wretched and helpless. I am so glad I don’t have to communicate with or expect anything from that creep anymore. This whole pathetic story is humiliating to remember and recount, but just writing it is forcing me to see how crazy it is that instead of pressing charges, I was having this abusive loser pay me some paltry sum via Venmo. I had to beg. I am also so frustrated with myself for feeling so unworthy that I gave that much, for that long, without reciprocity or legal protection. Elements of this still resurface in dreams, and it makes me realize I have a long way to go to. Moral of the story: take what you can get, chumps, because it’s never close to what you put in and lost. No shame.

      Our situations are all unique and all the same. Every day I read here (so, just about every day) I am struck by this, and I am amazed I didn’t realize it sooner. I never would’ve gotten it, fully, if it wasn’t for CL and this forthcoming community.

      • Forgot to add the hundreds (probably thousands) that went towards couples counseling FW let me pay when I didn’t know he was cheating – then later, was still cheating. Also the thousands I spent, out of pocket because I lost my health insurance when I moved away, then back, for individual counseling (the first time in my life I’ve ever gone) to deal with the trauma of ddays and everything else that happened during those couple years. For a time, those sessions were costing me most of my paycheck but it honestly felt like a matter of life and death.

        I’m never going to get any of this back and I know I need to forgive for my own sake, and the money is honestly the least of what I’ve lost, but it’s hard to let some of this stuff go in the face of such hypocritical entitlement.

      • *Forthright, not forthcoming

        Also, sitting here after wasting my time detailing one of the hundreds of stupid, dramatic sagas I navigated poorly with FW, I am having something of an epiphany that I hope will stick. I know that each person here could write hundreds of their own similar vents – many far worse than mine. We chumps get triggered by posts and comments about Switzerland, OWs, sexual abuse or negligence, image management, legal battles, flying monkeys, child custody and parenting, RIC, marriage counseling, retirement, housing, STD’s and physical symptoms, etc. Significant stuff that spills into every aspect of our lives. The triggers are endless, and connecting and sharing helps us process and feel we aren’t crazy and we aren’t alone. It also allows us to try to help others, which can feel very urgent at times.

        But, I’m getting to the point in my own healing where I see that (duh) GAL and making oneself central really is the ONLY way to go – not just on paper, but in my head and heart as well. Otherwise, it’s all-consuming. There’s too much and there’s no way to fix or sort through that mess. GAL has always made sense to me, but I think I’m finally reaching a point where I am ready to let go and stop letting an insignificant FW sap my time and energy. I’m in a new place now. When I dredge up these stories and past injustices, like the one I vomited above, I’m living in past drama that I am above, still carrying burdens that aren’t mine, holding onto things I cannot change. They feel less and less important. CL/CN have shared plenty of wisdom, evidence, connection and validation. Time to accept and internalize it, because otherwise, I could spend my life looking for a holy grail.

        • It’s a long journey B&R and you’re making progress. When you can tell your story succinctly and without emotional vomit you’ll know you have healed. You had the insight and took the time to evaluate your own post. You’ll be there soon.

          • Thanks, Sunrise, for the generous and kind comment. I appreciate the gentle nudge toward GAL and accountability. Some days I feel Meh, and others I am swept away – but I am over letting that happen.

            • Relate to the emotional vomiting- it’s a reaction to swallowing down injustice for decades. A few years out and lacgal has helped so much. Like BR, zero support – charmingly accompanied by veiled – and unveiled threats. schmoopie actually a lawyer. Financially nearly sank me, and worse, all over offspring with fake wonderful stepmommy crap. Ugh. unforgivable.
              Once FW sent two tiny, meaningless Cheques – one out of date- with a kind of brow mopping fake generosity designed for external parties to view, and something to say to offspring.
              You are right on the revisiting past- mostly the emotional volume is zero now, with a few exceptions such as this- Schmoopies relatives reached out to me «  concerned » for her welfare. No comment from me, no good can ever come from that – but definitely put me on edge for quite a while, ruminating about a suitable reply…..

            • Hey, no jugement here. This takes time, GAL is easier said than done. You do what you need to do B&R. Sometimes we’re all just here to listen and shut up. ((( hugs )))

  • Considering that former cheating accomplice current wives would prefer to erase all evidence of Mr. Cheating Spouse’s former life/wife/family, I would consider this a shit sandwich on her plate rather than mine. I am speculating here, I wonder if writing the check is possibly her way of trying to make it taste better.

    I think it’s great that she has to acknowledge your existence, in writing, accompanied by cash, on a regular basis.

    It’s all about perspective.

    • Agree. The shit sandwich is the OW’s. That’s my perspective as well

    • Yes, all about perspective. The carriers who deliver Amazon parcels have been doing passive aggressive gymnastics in the past week, leaving a pile of packages blocking the screen door, usually with a few thin paper parcels jammed underneath to get soaked in road salt. Or they tramp over hills of snow to leave stuff in front of the obviously unused side entrance rather than walking the short distance up the shoveled front walk to leave them at the front door (clear of the storm door).

      But the orders get delivered in one piece and on time. And I feel for the drivers. I hate Amazon too– the monopolizing bastards. But the delivery people need the work as much as my kids need their thrice-yearly deliveries of medically prescribed nutritional supplements that can’t be gotten anywhere else, either at all or at least not at prices I could even manage. So I see these passive aggressive expressions of rage by drivers as agreement. We all hate Bezos. What a cozy bunch we are.

      The OP once paid for FW’s fuckery in myriad ways. Now the OW has stepped in to pay the price. While this may not exactly represent accord and harmonic convergence, it’s just desserts and sort of pathetically funny. When I was really young, I peripherally knew an (ew) O-wife who ended up paying the alimony and child support for the former wife and kids her old, spottily-employed FW abandoned for her. She wasn’t smirking about it, she was sweating and pickme dancing like mad. She could be two-faced and nasty so that ruled out any sympathy for her situation as I watched it unfold but it became tragic at some point. I remember hearing about her having several secret miscarriages from the stress and then having what doctor’s diagnosed as “hysterical pregnancy” because FW didn’t want to breed with her and she was haunted that he would dump her for someone else just as he had his former family. Within a very short time she looked like she’d turned to drink and had aged far beyond her years. You knew that had to hurt because part of her two-faced homewrecking pickme strategy had been to amp up the age gap by acting like a breathy wee widdle girl whenever the FW was around. Last I heard, she wasn’t with the FW anymore and had gone full cynical battle axe.


  • It’s a check. Look at the big picture. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I have remarried and my wife’s ex owes over $6,000. He works under the table and gets disability from the VA. It could be much worse.

  • This is a great thing. She might feel like she’s getting one over on you the first few checks. She’s playing the old pride card. But eventually she’s gonna simmer in rage when she sees how much money goes to you. Know that every time she signs she will think of other ways that money can be spent. Know that your revenge is when she sees that money going to you every month cause it will hurt her more then you.

    • Having to write checks to the former spouse can’t be good for their sex life. A buzz kill. Just sayin’.

      Whistle on the way to the bank.

  • Even with the twat writing you a check I’d look at it as a win and smile about it. Their intent is definitely to cause emotional harm. But as CL said consider yourself lucky for receiving support from your FW.
    When I filed for divorce my XW immediately quit her job to avoid paying child support and maintenance. Almost 4 years out she is still only working part time.
    Her AP has 5 kids with 3 women and currently only pays child support for 1 of his kids. And the one he does pay support for his XG told me that my XW writes his checks out for him. So it’s all about control or creating chaos.

  • In my divorce agreement the ex had to pay me a small lump sum payment, the family pictures on a thumb drive (all the pics were saved in the business computers) and because my equitable distribution is paid monthly he had to get a life insurance policy to cover what he’s owes if I should be so lucky and he kicks the bucket.

    Anyway the mistress delivered all of these things to my attorneys office when they felt like it (past the deadlines) and she was named as the beneficiary (not my adult children) if there is a difference in what he still owes me at his death. Oh and she is listed as his fiancé.

    Yeah this was a message. Not sure what the message was but still trying to cause pain that I don’t feel I guess.

    • I guess you remain part of the triangle, and they get off on that. It perpetuates some of the affair thrill.

      When they get enraged with the victim/chump and pull this shit, it’s such a mindfuck. It makes no sense. They act like victims who need vengeance even though they are the abusers. DARVO

    • I’m surprised your lawyer didn’t stipulate a policy in which the beneficiary is non-transferable. That’s what I demanded fuckwit get and he did. It’s infuriating that OW can keep what he owes you. ????

      Whatever schmoopies may come and go, they aren’t getting Attila’s two million in life insurance. This may make it just a tad more difficult to find willing bodies as he moves into his sixties. I get his health insurance too. With that and the pension split (in my favor, naturally) that I demaded, no schmoopie is getting a dime that should be mine. They’d probably end up having to pay for the dates. Since his personality is nothing to get excited about and his looks are average, without much money he’ll have to find somebody who’s desperate for a man, any man. Yeah, women like that are out there, but knowing he’ll have to settle for that makes me smile.
      It’s the kind of justice I know most chumps don’t get, and they should. Makes me so angry what these fuckers get away with!

  • OW: If I win this married man, I’ll get to write checks!!!

    FW: That’s not all. You might even get the privilege of cleaning toilets and putting anti-itch lotion on my back. If you’re really good, you’ll get to shovel the driveway. Enjoy!

    All kidding aside, I can appreciate that this is triggering for the recipient. Recently, I got a letter with religious stuff about forgiveness, of course ????, from my x-MIL, the same woman who told me to “judge. not” only two weeks after D-Day.

    I’m convinced that the OW wrote the address on the envelope and mailed the letter. Even that sent me back on my heels a bit. But, then I thought about how annoying, manipulative, and narcissistic x-MIL is and how she is no longer my problem. The OW gets to deal with her. That’s a win for Spinach.

    • FFS, his family STILL wants you to forgive him?
      Right, because you forgive and presto! He’s no longer a cheating SOB. They want you to re-legitimize him. How important they are making you. If you look at it that way, it’s an inadvertent compliment.
      Anytime somebody wants your forgiveness that badly, they are giving you power and centrality. Since you’re not a narc, you don’t want it. They’re narcs, so they think everybody is like them and that you’ll thrill to being given the Godlike power to declare fuckwit redeemed by your forgiveness. So asking you to forgive, even couched as a demand and an implied slur on your character, is a narc’s form of supplication. They’re just too self-deluded to realize that.

      • Interesting. I hadn’t viewed it as a compliment, but that makes sense. Thanks.

        Entitled x-MIL and X (tree/acorn) are all about appearances; this NC business (on my part and that of my kids) is not a good look and must be driving them nuts.

        Guilting me with religious stuff is this woman’s main tactic. I found out yesterday that she’s sending similar writings about forgiveness to my kids, too. ????

        Leave my kids alone!!! They’re adults and ignore her, but still…

    • The “smirking” cover reasons people do things are never the real reasons. Underlying passive aggression is always something sad and icky and humiliating. If the OW wrote the address and made sure the letter got sent, all it says is she’s being tormented by guilt and has given you the power to give or withhold redemption. It’s biblical alright. You’re God. Some people create their own hell on earth and roast on their own spits.

  • Tell them to venmo or Apple Pay you and you won’t have to deal with that all 😉

    • Don’t. Don’t ever tell them to do anything. It just teaches them that they have power and provides them an additional opportunity to cheese you off by defiantly NOT doing exactly what you asked them to do.

      The only thing worse than having someone *try* to find some way to get under your skin, is having that person *know* how to get under your skin. If you don’t say anything, they may lose interest and start Venmoing (because, let’s be honest, that’s easier than writing a check and finding an envelope and a stamp and a mailbox). If you do say something, they’ll know it bugs you and they’ll keep it up forever.

      • Very true! My ex is so clueless about finances and wouldn’t know how to write a check if his life depended on it and I’m not even exaggerating. But you’re absolutely right about that!

      • IG, do you know my serial cheater? You nailed his behavior! Nyah Nyah, you can’t make me! Ignoring him is sort of fun, because it drives him crazy.

  • This one really hits home for me today. I’m firmly in Mehtown and do have a support paying ex-douchebag who has honored all his 50/50 commitments… until now. Maybe it’s planning his third wedding that is causing the distraction (or bank account depletions… image management is costly), but I actually found myself slipping back to “no worries, I’ll just loop in the GF on the third email reminder… afterall, maybe Mr. Sparkles has Covid – though I know nothing but death would keep him off his phone).

    And then I stopped and remembered TRIANGULATION. There is no need for me to bring the GF into the dialogue. He would like that though… he would like the ensuing drama (shows I’m crazy and demanding and he’s a timid forest creature)… and I would need to shower with a wire brush again.

    So, I’m not going to do that. I’m putting on my Magneto helmet and = I’m calling the doctors office today and changing the “responsible payor” designation to him. He provides the health insurance (per the divorce) so he really is legally the responsible party (just saying those words in my head while thinking of him makes me laugh, but I digress).

    I’ll pay my 50% and the rest is on him.

    Don’t take the bait Chumps… keep working your way to Meh. You can do this.

  • So the FW has triangulated the OW into “protecting ” her fuck buddy (for now) & that’s why they’ve come up with this little check-writing scenario. I would say write the OW a thank-you note, but when they realize they’re not getting under your skin, the $$ might not come as easy, so I would advise then not to say a darn thing.
    You need cash more than you need to score a point off these weasels.

  • This is so typical. . . The APs are pathetic. Thank God I’m not writing checks for some cheater douche canoe, that’s something to be grateful for.

    I’m my case, AP is a former sugar baby. Over the past decade she tried to become like me (studied for 3 years to enter my profession). I say “former” because like everyone else in life, she’s aging — no longer 28 year old— she’s turning 40 this year, has $250k in student loan debts and because the affair thrill is over (the twu-luv phase ended years ago) she’s in the 24/7 domestic hell with XH that I escaped. He’s a serial cheater – worse than ever. . . Ha! Not my monkey or my circus.

    I took your advice to heart, CL, and put my energies towards building a new life. That meant renewed focus on my career. I got a better job and make enough money so that then XH doesn’t pay or is slow to pay I get the luxury of “meh.” I’m not scared of financial ruin from XH. He tried to terrorize me for 26+ years with that financial control. No more. I’m free.

    • From the slew of recent articles on sugaring in the age of student loan debt, apparently sugar baby prime is 18 to 23. It’s all relative. 40 may be young as springtime for a working mum with integrity but at 28 she was already in desperate geriatric territory in the sugar world. Now she’s positively ancient.

      The real offense is even momentariy having to witness a tragic shitshow that you didn’t sign up for. Bet you much prefer spending that brain wattage reading a 19th century novel, raking the yard or planning exotic vacations with friends.

      • Haha! How did you know?! I just returned from a tropical vacation where I did nothing but eat papaya, lay in the sun, and read 4 books! This is the life!

  • The world and the judicial system seem incapable of putting karma in the FW’s life. The only thing chumps can get in the end is for the FWs to pay their fair share of things. Division of assets, orders of support, all are the legal mechanisms in place to try to divvy up the marital goods. And in the end, many chumps don’t see a dime of what they are owed. Some accept less than what they have coming just to escape. Some are double done over by the courts. If the FW owes, it must be paid. IDGAF who pays “for” him. Does my kid get those expenses paid that need to be without me bearing 100% of the burden? If the answer is yes, I don’t care if the check is signed by Bozo the Clown. In fact, arguably, it was! Cash that thing quick and don’t give the FW free rent in your head. The system only is there to make sure the financials go correctly to take care of things that need taking care of. Leave the emotion aside; it is just a transaction.

    To be honest, after what the APs steal from us and our children, I wouldn’t mind them all having to personally cut us a check each month. I remember hearing a story if a drunk driver who killed aomeone and his punishment was to send the victim’s parents a check for $1 every month. He couldn’t pay it all in advance or have anyone else write it out. Writing that check was the burden that he would never forget what he took from those parents. Let the OW have to write that check and be reminded that she participated in his betrayal which has ongoing repurcussions for his children. She probably doesn’t have the emotional ability to think beyond her own sparklytwat, but if it helps you cash it and move on, think of it as her burden to bear – not yours.

  • “I have never in nearly 14 years of divorced “co-parenting” EVER received 50% of additional expenses, despite the fact that’s in my court order. Never. Ever.”

    Me too. I once… once!… asked him to share in the expenses (as he agreed to in the divorce paperwork; I am the primary parent but he has to chip in 50% for child-related expenses) for our child’s first set of glasses. It was a nightmare. I lost sleep over it. He was awful. He hated the glasses my son had chosen for himself and said that unless he got “proper glasses” he wasn’t going to pay a dime. This was before I truly embraced No Contact. I tried to explain that both our son AND the eyecare doctor had recommended that for his first pair, he choose what he was comfortable with. FW rallied back with all sorts of insults directed at me and finished off with “well, I guess I’m the better parent because I’m more concerned with being our children’s PARENT instead of their FRIEND.” (I’m paraphrasing. I deleted all those texts years ago because they hurt to look at.) I cried. I lost sleep. I threw up.

    And then I decided “I don’t need this.”

    Our kid kept the glasses he liked and I absorbed the total cost. I’ve never, EVER asked him to pay for anything ever since. FW has never chipped in for lessons, winter coats… nothing. I do it all myself and I am happy to pay 100% of all those costs because I never want to engage with him ever again on any of the childcare expense choices I make for our children. Some things aren’t worth the money and my emotional sanity is one of them.

    But… back to the letter writer:

    Me too. My FW sends me his monthly (more or less) childcare deposit through OW as well. All e-checks are from her account and are signed by her. It sucks. Well… it used to suck. Now I’m just happy to see her name show up in my inbox because I know I can get groceries when she (he) sends the monthly payment through. All child support e-checks have been in her name now for nearing on ten years.

    I don’t know if it was an intentionally cruel move on his part, early on, so I’d be forced to look at that name but in the end it doesn’t matter anymore. Looking at his name or looking at her name… both would have hurt, so it didn’t really matter. Mostly I just think that because he’s bad with money most financial stuffs probably goes through her, so the reasons for the OW paying FW’s bills may be more pragmatic (in my case anyway) than they are an active dig at the chump.

    In the end, money is money. I feel at peace with what money I do take from him and what money I don’t take from him. The name attached to it doesn’t matter; both their names suck and are hard to look at. I need that child support money just to get by right now but I’m looking forward to the day where my oldest is grown and those e-checks with her name in all caps are finally gone. That will feel good.

    It’s really weird how many APs end up paying for their new boyfriends/husbands expenses… and in their own name too. :S

    • My new husbands EX ( who has at least $900,000) refused to pay for a dime of their (only) child’s education because she claims she didnt like the University daughter picked. XW paid nary a dime for the whole damn thing then bought her a few pillows for the dorm room. Showed up at graduation and (typically) made demands.

      We sought legal help and tried to compel her and she refused. Shrew, she is…shrew.

      We paid for college and were civil at the graduation even though they chose not to speak to us. Gah.

      We feel comfortable knowing we took the high road. My hubby is committed to his daughter and I didnt stand in his way of doing this. I didnt pay any of it (which made it more palatable).

  • Like most ex-husbands, he likes to play the “big bad meanie demanding ex-wife” game with his whore. Since this ex always handled the finances, he most likely hasn’t handed it over to his OW. He just gives her the job of writing child expense checks to the ex-wife so she can be painfully aware of how much money is going out to to the “big bad meaninie demanding ex-wife.” It’s a game sad sausages love to play. Then he gets the added pleasure of messing with his ex-wife by reminding her of the whore and the power he thinks he has over both women, pathetically trying to triangulate.

    • True, there is an added “bonus” of having the OW always be the one to pay his child support bills by having the OW be painfully aware of how much the chump is costing her each month. It helps to indirectly villanize the chump even more in the OW’s eyes. The FW always saw the chump as a burden and he darn well wants to ensure that OW feels the same way.

      • Kimmy just needs to have a good laugh at their expense, and realize that the ex and shmoopie still needing to mess with her after the divorce is evidence of how pathetic and limited they truly are.

  • Money, sex, entitlement, all blows up in their face when they lose our contributions to their fake life. 32 yrs of marriage and all the life experiences that go with that did not matter one bit to him. He fought me for a year to not pay me spousal. He even stood in court and told the judge I could work and earn a living just like him. I had given up my career to raise the kids, sacrificed and supported him while he climbed ladder at his job. Positive if I had divorced him while our kids were young he would be the AH I read about here everyday. Money is their leverage.
    Jump ahead 6 years divorced now, a recent incident showed me again what a complete dick he is. He mailed me a check that had been sent to him. It was money from a refi I had done on the house after divorce. It was approx $500. His opening line was “look what I found”. He had sat on the check for 4 months before sending it to me. **Control and withholding money from me gave him a thrill. In 6 years I have worked hard at removing anything tied to this man. During divorce, he even cut off my health insurance, and also stooped low and canceled my Costco card (I pay the credit card) but we had shared a membership for 28 yrs. UGH. Many many more things to list, and it all goes back to money. Shitty people do shitty things. LACGAL …… When it comes to finances especially they have nothing but HATE to offer the faithful partner. They are NOT NORMAL.

    • It *was* shitty of him to cut off your health insurance, and also stupid. If you had had any large medical bills while you were still married, he might have ended up responsible for half, depending on the state you lived in.

      This came up when my parents divorced. Our family insurance was through my mom’s (the chump’s) job. My mom’s lawyer told her not to take my dad off her insurance until they were divorced for this exact reason. And she didn’t.

  • I have to correct you. He’s always a shithead, never an ex-shithead. You can call them Mr. and Mrs. shithead. That’s appropriate given the situation.

    I agree with CL. It’s money out of their pocket. Good. Don’t say a word. Get a photo of all checks Mr. and Mrs. Shithead send you for support. It’s good to have as evidence in case they miss a payment, cause drama, etc.

  • I would laugh all the way to the bank. Of course they’re doing it to get to you. Who cares. Put this in perspective. How small do they have to be that this is what gives them their jellies. Seriously, just go cash that check and take care 9f you and the kids. I’d probably post a picture of me smiling as I cashed the check, but I’m a bitch like that. I’d also take the kids out to eat and post those pix too!

  • Actually , I’d be laughing all the way to the bank. My EXW payed very very little , maybe a bit toward school supplies , ….sometimes. Yup , relish in the thought that she’s paying you for your fuckwits indiscretions.

  • You’re getting a double benefit of regular checks plus confirmation that he sucks and a bonus of watching her be used as cake. Not seeing any problems for you here, it’s all upside.

  • Ouch, they’re throwing money at me! ????

    FW and AP are really running out of options to spice up their life I guess… I’d cash the check and go buy myself something nice.

    • I’d be so tempted to buy a great outfit and wear it on social media with a cheesy grin and the caption; “Look, I just got an overdue check!”

  • Every time she signs that check, she’s watching her money fly out her window. She helped open that window. Has to piss her off every time. Too bad, so sad.

  • take a bit of the $$ from the cheque for a massage or an extra session with your therapist, i don’t know. eat ice cream down by the water. you’re taking care of yourself with a little extra of your choice.

    fuck that guy and his next.

  • Every time my XW refuses to pay for her share of child related expenses, I look at it as another chance for me to be the “hero” to my kids. Hoping that someday, they will look back and see who provided for them when they needed it.

    Even if they never realize it or know, I know. I get handed numerous opportunities to be the hero to my kids every single time she refuses to pay for something. Thats worth way more than any tiny percentage she may contribute.

    • That’s a great way to look at it. My daughter definitely knows I’m the supporter. It makes her feel bad but she’s already gotten her head around the fact that dad simply doesn’t care enough to be involved.

  • I can’t take this one seriously. I get no money ever for anything at all. I have just worked a lump sum child support payment into my overall settlement because my ex simply would not pay to support our daughter in spite of me having full custody.Basically I asked for a good deal to buy the house in lieu of child support. That’s the closest I’m going to ever get to any support.

    Even though I hate the OW I’d take a signed check by her any day of the week! It’s poetic justice.

  • Cash the check quick. You never know when she will get over him and boom es got no appliance to do his chores.

  • Add me to the I-never-asked-for-reimbursement-because-it-just-wasn’t-worth-it club. I knew I would never see child support from Cheater #1 unless his wages were garnished and when I did that, he was beeeeeyond furious. When he took an unpaid leave of absence the state took over the mandated payments since his employer tried to tell me that if he wasn’t getting paid, they couldn’t garnish his wages. He even tried bankruptcy, but in my state, child support trumps that, too.

    Fast forward seventeen years and our son graduated from high school last May, the unpaid months have been reimbursed since November 2021. I tried to get file that paperwork to get the payments stopped but his employer would not/could not give me the information to fill it out. Hey, I understand confidentiality and all that. I emailed C#1 *twice* telling him which info he needed from his employer and what form to file with the county court to have it stopped. Has it happened? Nope. He could have a thousand bucks per month back in his pocket, but is so stubborn (read: stupid) that he undoubtedly thinks it’s my fault and my problem to resolve. Um, no.

  • Once upon a time I would get checks in the mail, until about a year ago when they didn’t show up one month. Ex asshat kept complaining I needed to cash them so he could “balance his account”. I honestly didn’t get them, but of course he accused me of lying. Since then, its done as an account-to-account transfer through our mutual bank. (BTW, it was through these checks I found out my ex asshat married his bottom feeder 48 days after the divorce was final. Her name was plastered on the checks. No address though…the kids nor I have no idea where he lives. He never even told the kids he married the trollop ????)

    Those first 6 months of checks sure were interesting though. He would send one for child support with the kids’ names on the memo line. Then he would send my spousal support checks with notes like “deadbeat support payment ”, “loser support payment”, etc. written on that memo line. It was during Covid, so I would just do a mobile deposit and saved those checks for a rainy day 😉

    Fast forward to 2 months ago when I actually looked closely at the deposits and saw the transfers are sent from the OW/wife. I couldn’t believe it! Seriously, what woman would actually want to be the one to pay her dumbass husbands’s ex wife?!?! Yep…a stupid one. I’ve told so many friends about this little discovery and we just laugh our asses off! I’m sure they’re trying to bug me…those two have a history of trying to triangulate…but I just think they’re a couple of idiots.

    SHOW ME THE MONEY!! I don’t give a rat’s ass who it comes from ????????

    • I love the word trollop. My mother used it as did my grandmother. I have used it myself occasionally.

      Cloris Leachman had a short lived show years ago, where in one scene she was talking about her ex’s whore and she said “lets just call her Trollop”

  • Maybe cheater spins it up to owhore as a chance to taunt you. But coukd the real reason be he wants her to know how much she’s costing him? I told my ex in $$$ how much this was all costing him ( just the legal fees!) and hope it’s worth it in bjs. Dance OW, dance!

  • He’s still trying to triangulate you. In his new relationship. With his soul mate. The love of his life. And she’s letting him!!!!

    My middle name is HoWorker/Wife’s first name. Before direct deposit, Ex signed the memo line of my spousal support checks with my full name. I laughed my ass off!! I’m so glad I’m still in their marriage. A topic of conversation. I realized then I had the power. A superpower because I’m not even there to invoke it.

    These people are pathetic and use the same playbook. So unoriginal in their pettiness.

    Moving on.

    • Yes, the same playbook ????. I just didn’t realize how unoriginal my situation was until I found this site, which is really, really sad!

  • I even got the Maleficent witch stamp with one check one time. Seriously juvenile. I wondered how long it took them to think that one up and buy it, gleefully envisioning my reaction. Laughed out loud and then crickets.

    They. Are. Pathetic.

  • I realize banks no longer mail back paper copies of cancelled checks, but they are scanned and available to view online. Kimmy should sign the back of the check with a little heart over the “i” and some curlicues by the “y.” If legal to do so, I’d put a smiley face somewhere in the signature line.

  • Sorry they are so shitty and so proud that you kept your cool. I love that every month they get to pay you. You get the money and she gets a character flawed individual. Wishing you all the best in life..

  • As is typical, Cheater went through a phase (when he first wanted out) where he promised me “everything” to agree to a quick divorce. (He forgot we live in a state where divorce takes forever).

    Foolishly, I did not take his offer and instead “stood” for the marriage.

    I often wonder what would the cascade of events have been if I had chosen otherwise. The support he would have owed us would have been huge and what was left would not have kept OW in the lifestyle she aspired to. (Her fiancé had put a $39,000 ring on her finger and I think she wanted Cheater to out do him).

    Cheater had actually developed a plan of buying me a big house and a Mercedes and “setting us up” so that he wouldn’t look bad when he left. He would then create a similar home with OW. He could have done this on an income of maybe $400,000+ back in the day but he made nowhere near that. I think that – at some point – OW did the math and realized that she would have to contribute significantly…maybe even signing checks someday.

    The scary thing is that he tried to sell our affordable home and buy us something I could never afford or maintain as a single mom. I went with him to the meeting with the mortgage guy and had planned to sabotage the mortgage if Cheater pushed his agenda.

    Later, in Wreckonsillyation, he did sell our affordable home and bought something we couldn’t afford (I went along to appease him…another error). I was exceedingly lucky to not lose everything. I still live in the too-expensive house (I paid it off when he died, something financial advisers say not to do).

    I am sure that had I gone along with the “I’ll give you everything if you tell people this was a mutual decision” plan that I would later have been labeled “The Bloodsucking XW” and him developing a plan he could NEVER afford would surely have been All My Fault and God Only Knows what aggressive actions he would have taken against me.

  • I have support from my ex as well. And since he’s on commission, it’s a percentage of his income. I loved that he had to write checks to me every month because I knew how much he hated it. Now he’s got a job that just had an annual bonus, so my support is automatically deposited into my account. It doesn’t give me the same level of smug satisfaction, but the money spends the same. I scaled down my lifestyle a bit so I can live on my support. Now I have a smaller footprint and a much more rewarding life.

  • Not to be snarky, but someone correct me if I’m wrong. If the payments are coming from a third party, how is your ex fulfilling his obligations to yuo for support payments?

    Maybe this “kind soul” is merely sending you guilt gifts?

    I’m thinking he may be in arrears!

  • FW’s LOVVVVVVE to Triangulate.
    That’s what is going on here with him enlisting OW to cut your cheques.
    I would’ve bat an eye and never would I let them know that ANYthing they do gets under my skin.
    Honestly, I can envision the preamble to all of this. They likely have spats over her doing his tasking and how much you are getting as it’s coming out of their Affair Fund. I would LMAO at their expense. No pun intended.

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