Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Chump Lady Turns 10!

Big milestone, CN — The blog turns 10 years old today. On a Tuesday, no less.

I wish I could tell you I have some specially prepared remarks and a gold watch to present myself, or some such, but the truth is, we just got in from Texas last night after spending Easter weekend with Mr. CL’s mom. There’s no half-and-half in the house, my coffee is subpar, and I’m cramming in this column before I start my Job job.

The usual chaos.

Oh, except for some Unusual chaos, which I was waiting until today to tell you. We’re moving!

Tracy, who cares? You live on these virtual pages each morning. Where you actually reside is of no concern to us… unless you’re snarking about Oklahoma, in which case we take deep offense.

No, it matters! We’re chucking city life, and because Mr. CL and I are both a couple of flaming codependents, we bought a 240-year-old house in the Virginia countryside. (The potential!) And I’m going back to freelancing. As in, no more Job job — more CL time! (And other writing projects.)

Will there be chickens?

Yes! The house comes with three chickens. (At what point do you tip over into crazy lady chicken territory?) Princess Lay-a, Catherine the Great, and Lava. The previous owners couldn’t take them, so chicken care has been thrust upon us. Leave your poultry care tips in the comments please.

I’ve always wanted chickens. I considered naming them after my great aunts and grandmothers. Mildred, Hilda, Bertha, Gertrude, Hazel, Winnifred. I also want a rooster named Dwayne.

Enough with your rural idyll blather. Don’t you have anything to say about a decade spent as a bitter bunny? Or in the words of a former boss, “Isn’t it time you moved past all that?”

This is the most meaningful job I’ve ever had. And I have no intentions of ever quitting it. 

Ten years ago, I was living in Texas having married Mr. CL, and I’d made a hobby out of giving advice on infidelity boards. A sort of snarky salmon swimming upstream in a sea of Reconciliation. When Mr. CL said, “You should write a book.”

I demurred. I said maybe I’d start a blog. Thinking I’d do a brain dump of everything I learned from the clusterfuck and leave it for others. Maybe spare them some pain. I didn’t need this crap rattling around in my head anymore. I drew a couple cartoons.

Then I went to the now defunct Blogathon ATX in Austin, Texas. And those wonderful people said, “This is TERRIFIC. Stick with this.” They had a seminar called the “Room for Improvement” where a developer would critique your site. Chump Lady was two weeks old and had three posts: Ego Kibbles, the Humiliating Dance of Pick Me, and The Unified Theory of Cake.

The late, great Julie Gomoll said, “This blog needs a tag line. What do you want people to DO?”

I nattered on about how all the resources sucked. And I wanted to be the sort of site that I wish existed when I went through it.

And she said, “No, WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DO? They’ve got 10 seconds decide if they want to read more.”

(Me, blank stare.)

Julie: “How about ‘Leave a cheater, gain a life‘?”

THAT’S IT!

I created the old logo, and later used the LACGAL tagline as a book title. Within 6 months of starting CL, I was asked to write for HuffPo Divorce and that drew traffic to the blog in those early days. It grew from there.

Turns out, I wasn’t the only person hungering out there for a new narrative about infidelity. The other week, the blog flipped 40 million page views. That’s a LOT of chumps.

Why are you still doing this?

You guys. A few reasons, really.

1.) The Reconciliation Industrial Complex still pisses me off. When I was chumped in 2006, all of the infidelity resources assumed reconciliation. They asked “What did you do to make him cheat” and “How are you going to improve yourself to win him back?” There wasn’t a single place saying, “Leave the jerk, you’ll feel a lot better.”

Why didn’t those places exist? Well, mostly because people who live through this meat grinder feel ashamed about it (see “victim-blaming resources”) and who wants to revisit a nightmare?

But the bigger reason the RIC exists, in my opinion, is that false hope sells. “Send me $399 and I’ll affair proof your marriage” is a much more seductive commodity than “Your marriage is dead. Here’s a 100 comments on why you need a divorce.”

The RIC gives vulnerable people a recipe. Then lets them think it’s their fault if the recipe didn’t work. That’s what happens when you don’t upgrade to the $20K Fuckwit Ranch Retreat!

I wanted to be a refuge of sanity from that world. I wanted to challenge a victim-blaming narrative and call this shit out as abuse. I could not do that alone. But I could build a site where millions of chumps could share the commonality of their stories and demonstrate the banality of that abuse. We are one hell of a data sample.

I think we’ve moved the needle a lot in 10 years. I’m really proud of that.

ex cheated and I got a graduate degree2.) Chump Nation inspires me. The stories of resilience I’ve read here, just knock me out. Every day. Rarity here in the picture, who got abandoned while pregnant, and then carried this sign to her masters degree graduation. The incredible Ozzy chumps I met in New Castle, Australia. A woman told me after my talk that her son had an eating disorder, which went away after she left her cheating husband. Then she realized, thanks to CN, that he was keeping his father’s secrets from her. And by saving herself, she saved him. I met a woman who emailed me FROM THE AIRPORT as she was escaping an abusive marriage internationally. I sent back encouragement. She showed up at that meeting two years later to meet me and tell me how great her life turned out, with pictures of her kids at Disney. (We both bawled.) Another guy came from the other side of Australia with a copy of my self-published book and whispered in my ear that it saved his life.

I believe that everyone here saves their own life. But it is gratifying to build a community that encourages each other and lets us believe we can.

3.) It’s professionally rewarding. My street cred is that I was a chump. My advice comes from lived experience. The trial-tested results of What Not To Do. But I’ll give myself credit for combining the chump experience with my professional skillset to create this place.

The writing comes from a journalism career (and the cartoons come from some demented corner of my brain). But my chosen profession is like being Jude the Obscure. Don’t major in medieval stone cutting, kids. During a time when newspapers are lining hamster cages with old journalists, I’ve built a successful media platform.

When other writers are resorting to Substack and such, I own my own website and digital rights. And thanks to your Patreon support and the incredibly annoying ads — this place supports itself and me. But more importantly — people who need this content get it with ZERO PAYWALL.

For years as a full-time journalist,  I’ve been very frustrated that I couldn’t do more with this site, and the pandemic frustrated my ambitions further, but starting in June, I CAN do more. I won’t lack the bandwidth.

YEA!

I feel like I’ve made a long, rambling toast to myself. So now, I’m raising my glass (or rather my coffee cup that lacks creamer) to Chump Nation. To you. To your MIGHTINESS! Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and for each other. Another round of Lebkuchen for the Universal Bullshit Translator! Have a whack at the unicorn piñata.

YEA!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Happy Birthday!!!
    You saved my life and I hope your amazing site continues to help all ye future chumps.
    Enjoy the country.

  • Congratulations Tracey on 10 years of amazing work and help you give us. Good luck with your move, enjoy your new home. X

  • Congratulations! You deserve a parade!
    Welcome to the neighborhood, I’m in the beautiful Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia. Enjoy your new, old, home.

  • Dusting off another past parody in honor of your 10th anniversary

    A long distance anniversary dedication goes out to the Chump Lady blog, and to the paradox that while it’s a life saver when we need it most, it also aims to get all chumps to the point where we DON’T need it anymore.

    To the tune of: “Can I Have This Dance” (Anne Murray) — https://youtu.be/2wagjpWtRII

    I’ll always remember the hell of my D-Day
    My mind in a horrible place
    I found you on Google, and knew when I came here
    I’d found my saving grace

    Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
    To deal with and process every misdeed?
    Things become better the more I read
    Can I have this blog for as long as I need?

    I’ll always be grateful for gaining the know-how
    To understand shit cheaters say
    For Bullshit Translation, for Tempest and Nomar,
    Cashmere and L-A-J

    Can I have this blog for as long as I need?
    To deal with and process every misdeed?
    Things become better the more I read
    Can I have this blog for as long as I need?

  • Huge congratulations, and thank you for all you have done/continue to do! Saved me. I try to give back by going on other betrayal forums and pointing folks towards your book/blog. I keep thinking I will get kicked off at some point, but who cares! Enjoy the VA countryside and the chickens – fun fact: chickens will eat EVERYTHING, and they are obsessed with styrofoam! if you dump a box of styrofoam peanuts in their coop, watch them vanish before your eyes!

  • So many congratulations to you!
    And a big thank you. I left a marriage in 1982 with 2 kids (zero and two). I couldn’t leave for myself, but I could for the kids. I’ve had a great life since departing, (grandchildren etc) but it was this website that helped me finally understand and ease the guilt of not reconciling.

    • I have never been prouder to be part of a group in my whole life!
      I write this with tears in my eyes because you, Tracy, saved me and so many others out here in cyberspace.

      People look at me in real life and think I have it all together because I clean up nicely and get shit done. Lots and lots of shit – like force of nature stuff. But I can come here and show you all what’s really inside…the gut-wrenching pain, the bubbling sea of anger that sometimes surfaces, the loneliness of being a senior chump on my own where I never thought I would be and the exhaustion of having to shoulder my life alone, the good and the bad.
      No one looks at me and sees the woman who wound up in a psychiatric facility 12 years ago. My son happened to find me as I was trying to figure out how to kill myself. Lots and lots of therapy, EMDR and medication later (I’m an unpaid, volunteer spokeswoman for GeneSight), I stay here to hear CL’s wisdom, laugh at her snark and try to help the new chumps.
      Tracy, you and this lovely sea of chumps, have given me a shoulder, strength, a voice and a forum. Shout out to Mr. CL as well ❤️

      I will scream out your glory to anyone within hearing distance!!! You have given us way more than anyone else on this planet. We have to work on the TED talk now after you name those chickens!

      Ten years flies by in retrospect. After one walks through the burning coals of leaving a cheater and getting a life, the land of meh is a beautiful thing.

      Yet again, I ask my fellow chumps to sign up for Patreon.
      🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
      See the red button on the top of the page. There are categories of giving but I believe anyone can sign up and insert their own amount. $1 times 40 million????
      https://www.patreon.com/bePatron?u=10794754&redirect_uri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.chumplady.com%2F2022%2F04%2Fchump-lady-turns-10%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR1JwMb0wvlFIb-k9NnTTbOKzzY-8MWtjIE6YZV2pG7yDrkFYmtAQYQts00&utm_medium=widget

      Happy Anniversary Tracy! Congratulations on the new home and the adventures that await you and Paul! 🥰 👏🏼 🏆🐓

            • CC: I wanted to do a one-time thing occassionally too but saw just monthly. I think anyone who for whatever reason only wants to do one or more times, could sign up with that donation and then stop it; then repeat when they are ready to donate again. CL, Plz correct me if I am wrong on this. CL: Also congratulations and thanks for the 10 years! Enjoy your new home and renovating it. I will keep good thoughts going for you as I know building supplies, etc. are understocked now to say the least. Best of luck too with the chickens. We would love to see pictures of them some day and hear what they have been named. Thanks so much for all you do.

      • Bumping up my monthly donation by another $5 in honor of CL’s 10th Anniversary! (Them chickens gotta eat too!)

      • Yes! Give a dollar everyone can do that…I have to update my payment thanks for the reminder! Also cheers to you Rebecca for getting things done. And yes PLEASE a Ted talk!!

      • Rebecca, none of us are ever really alone as long as we have this blog. I would like for everyone who can to sign on to Patreon. This blog is priceless. It saved my sanity and continues to keep me sane daily.

    • Best.community.ever. I will be forever grateful for the camaraderie and support, and for the wisdom and bravery of Tracy, who swam against the tide toward the truth of infidelity. Sending much love!

  • Biggest toast to YOU, lifesaving, sanity-saving, wonderchump Tracy.

    In some parallel world sainthood, wealth and Brene-Brown level adulation exists for the REAL heroes like you. Maybe one day it will intersect with ours.

    In the meantime, start refining your crepes and omelettes (Princess Lay-a is priceless. Our #1 was Chicken Licken, please also feel welcome to my grandmother’s name, Muriel. As in, “You’re terrible, Muriel”). I’m still so sorry that I was in the first few post D-Day months of headscramble-fuckery to be able to travel 3 hours north to meet you in Aus.

    Cheers Chump Lady and Chump Nation. Best thing to happen to me after the worst thing to happen to me.

  • Thank you, Tracy, for taking a leadership role in changing the narrative, and saving the sanity of so many chumps. What you’ve accomplished is remarkable. What you’ve given us is invaluable.

  • Sorry you were Chumped…..thanks for turning the lemons into Sparkly Lemonade!!!

    Congrats on 10 Years and the move!

    If you get any bad chickens, maybe you can use some of the “pet names” we have for our cheaters…… if you have a female one that lies, cheats, hurts its own eggs and nukes its own coop, please call her “Scagzilla”….it would mean a lot to me : )

  • I am Soo envious of your new home. My idea of retirement heaven. What started as a little blog, has saved so many lives, changed lives. My favorite part of LCGAL is it makes sense out of nonsense and gaslighting. I didn’t even know his demands, lies, financial use, was abuse! You definitely have done something with meaning.

  • Love love love LOOOOOOVE this post and love YOU and the gift you offer the world, Tracy!

    Is there a way to pop you one-time donations without the rather clunky workaround Patreon offers? A Zelle or Venmo, or a Kickstarter, or something? Maybe after you’ve moved, so you don’t have to add a detail while deluged in details? Ponder and keep us posted. And may everything be happy and smooth and safe as you move!!! 😊😊😊😊😊💚💚💚💚💚

    • I agree. I would like to send a larger lump sum and I don’t trust Patreon or internet money transactions at all. I donate with postal money orders because they are safe and anonymous.
      Surely there must be a P.O. box we could send donations to?

      • I was about to suggest you send it to me, and I’ll send it on to Tracy for you, since I don’t have the same qualms about internet money transactions. Then I realized that’s basically the Nigerian prince scam…

  • You saved my life. If I hadn’t found your book, found your website, I don’t know what would have happened to me. I’ve purchased at least a dozen of your books to help people I know going through the same nightmare. Bless you Tracey and bless Chump Nation.

  • Deep joy!!!
    Tracy, you’ve touched so many lives and given them the tools to transform a miserable existence into a rewarding, happy one. I’m so proud of you, what you’ve done, and every one of my fellow Chump Nationals who have given you the ammunition, been vulnerable and brave, shared advice and showed love to new Chumps. Congratulations Tracy and yay for a full-time Chump Lady!!
    I think we need a national flag!
    Love to all here 💕

  • Well, that news has made my Tuesday!

    Thank you so much for all that you do to help people regain their dignity.

    Thank you for being the lone snarky voice out there. Finding your blog all those years ago – 2014? 2015? – was like coming home.

  • You saved me so much pain. You wrote in response to me question “a guy who loves cake this perversely has a whole lineup” of Rockettes dancing the Solid Gold Pick-me Dance. I only knew about the one. You were right. It turned my life upside down – right side up really – and suddenly everything made sense. Excruciatingly painful sense. But no more fog. I’d have wandered there for who knows how long.

    I can’t imagine how many others there are you’ve helped. I met a super sad drunk guy in a bar (I’m more outgoing now that I’ve gained a life) who said he couldn’t talk about why he was sad and I told him “hey I found out my husband had a secret second life and lied to me for years. Whatever your pain is, sit with it. It’s finite. You’ll get through it.” So he then told me he was a chump, mentioned some painful details (all the classics) and I was the first person he had told. I said “have I got a book for you!” And followed up with a link to LACGAL. He read the book in like a day and messaged me a description of his version of the aforementioned fog lifting. Sounded like the first relief he’d had in a very long time.

    All of which is to say: thank you. From me and all the downstream chumps that we recovering chumps help out. You deserve your farm and your chickens. And if you need any advice or inspiration, there’s a nation of chumps out here who had to re-renovate the hovels and re-landscape the disasters our cheaters left behind. By ourselves. With no money. …. … ok ANYWAY. Thank you.

  • Maybe we would have all gotten to meh on our own but I know it would have taken me WAY longer. I know that 4 months after DDay when I was directed here, I was barely functional. I know that reading about what was happening and how to deal with it helped me stop feeling so utterly alone, pathetic, unlovable. Reading and rereading helped me stay firm that NC, grey rock, kicking Switzerland to the curb, maintaining my boundaries – that wasn’t me being a bitter bunny, those were required for survival and eventual healing.

    I will always be grateful to CL and CN. I have a feeling CL’s message is about be needed by a whole new generation of chumps. The millennials are turning 40 and that seems to be an interesting point for many.

    • Ditto here 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

      I also found the site at 4 months post Dday in spring 2015 when my head was firmly lodged in the mindfuck blender of wreconciliation with the further trauma of the sex addiction “recovery” (ahem, victim abuse) industry – almost drove me to suicide. CL saved me. I’ve been at Meh for years. The real healing began after the divorce. If you’re in the throes of hell, keep walking out. There’s peace and happiness and singing walls on the other side of the hell.

    • 41-yr-old millennial here. Abstain from social media (preference, not principle) but admittedly spend way too much time here. Chumps are my tribe, and I’m proud to be a member of Chump Nation. Give me Chump Lady over dating apps, “Modern” Love, polyamory and Perel every day of the week. Maybe I’m ahead of my time 😉

  • Tracy, you have been a god send. Even almost 20 years since the split with my ex, I find validation of my feelings, memories, and trauma in this community. Recently my adult daughter asked me if I thought she was wrong about feeling that her childhood included emotional abuse from her father. I told her that, yes, it happened. Even they are still processing hurts. Thank you for having the vision and the commitment to create this community of remarkable people starting with you. Otos xoxoxo

  • While deep in the brainfog of the RIC, I came across this quite by accident due to whatever key words I was typing into Google that was trying to help me untangle the skein. It’s taken me a while to get clean, but I found myself depending on this blog almost every day to reset myself as I aim for Tuesday.

    • I remember the phrase I typed in:
      “sex addict or entitled asshole”
      And then I kept scrolling until finding Chump Lady.
      Thank you, Tracy, for having the guts to fight against the forces of evil (the Reconciliation Industrial Complex) and for all the (healing) tears and laughter you have brought to literally millions of hurting humans.
      I wish I was your neighbor and had some cream for your coffee today…
      I love you and all the wonderful folks who shared their insights, stories and triumphs.
      Congratulations on your new home and new life, and best wishes to you and everyone here.

  • There is no doubt in my mind that this site is an actual virtual lifeboat (!). I am so eternally deeply grateful that I found it, by divine Providence I am sure. I was floating in the freezing water after I decided not to swap deck chairs and leapt from my Titanic relation-ship. You all pulled me in and I am
    happy to be on board healing with you all while Captain Chump Lady keeps circling the wreckage, looking for more survivors.

    Love love love and happy anniversary!

    • I live in the country and you have to make sure the chickens are safe inside at night from predators, who can be surprisingly clever when it comes to getting inside coops and enclosures. Just like cheaters! And if any of your chickens come down with foot disease, I’ll connect you with my friend who made little red shoes for one of her recovering hens. I buy my eggs every week from a friend who sells them at a roadside stand outside her house, one of my favorite errands. Enjoy!

  • Oh my goodness Tracey – CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS!

    You have saved millions of people and deserve nothing but good. ….Although I’m in the DC area and was so hoping for a lunch meet up one day. But maybe I’ll discover where your Virginia country home is and bring you a Starbucks and buy a few eggs from those chickens of yours (grocery store eggs are getting outrageous!).

    But seriously — thank you from the bottom of my heart

    • *Tracy (sorry for the misspelling above. As a Michele with one “L” myself, I try to be careful about names but typo’ed)

  • Congratulations on 10 great years Tracy!
    It was 5 years ago, when you were back down in Texas for another visit, that I bumped into you. I was still in the early stages of my discovery/separation/pre-divorce. I know with all certainly that our visit changed my narrative on what I was going through and set me on a different trajectory for my life post- divorce. The book and blog were a daily lifeline for me!! I am forever grateful and we are all Mighty!

    • Awesome! I always hope I may bump into Mrs T in the airport I’d pass out people would think I was nuts including her! I may cry. Faint, laugh, who knows but what a great memory for you!

  • Congratulations Tracey. I stumbled on the site in one of my many dark hours and I could not believe what I was reading. So many women and men out there, just like me, when I thought I was a freak, a failure, surrounded by flying monkeys and entirely alone. The stories here move me and inspire me and sometimes help me to cry about the marriage that ended, not well as I hoped but so, so badly as I feared. You and CN helped me to accept that I did my best. I’ve gained a very different sort of life, thanks in large part to you. This English chump is forever grateful.

    • I found the RIC first, and I didn’t like the victim-blaming. Thank goodness I found LACGAL and CL/CN to give me back my sanity.

  • So excited about your move!! Good for you guys! Yeah:)!! I remember your very first book. It had a heart on it and it said you suck in the middle of it!!! It caught my eye for sure when I was looking for books to reconcile with my lying cheating ex. I’m so glad I got that book and I read it three times. Unfortunately my mom ”borrowed” the book and “lost it”. She didn’t really want me to continue down that path lol. That’s OK I have your other book too ha ha. I am so happy that I found you and your blog.

    I Did not handle everything perfectly that first year or two because I was still full of Hopium. But even though I was full of that, I was still listening and doing some things that you advised especially in regards to finances and getting a lawyer. I think that was the thing that really set me down the right path as well. My lawyer set me up with the best Therapist I could ever find. Just so glad that I am getting closer to Meh every day.
    Man it’s harder to do no contact with Kids but I’m getting pretty good at it now. I’ve been on my own since about The beginning of 2015 and the kids and I are doing well. I Lost everything at that time and it was in a financial mess. I had to move into a tiny apartment for a few years with my kids and get back on track with a job. Now I’m in a quaint little townhome that feels like home with my kids and I own it:) My credit score has improved. Well I’m really not sure if I want to get into a relationship again. I go back-and-forth on that one. But I am still reading your blogs and making sure I stay on track as a chump ha. Thank you and congrats on the move and new adventures:)

  • Thank you so much and Congratulations!!! I’m so grateful for you and the community you created. 💜🙏💜

  • I “found” you & your site 2 months after it was launched & just days after my divorce decree was signed. I was still lost, confused & broken after Asshart all but abandoned me 2 1/2 years earlier after what to me was a loving, fun-filled 24 + yr marriage. You weren’t there to guide me through the chaos but you & CN have been by my side in my recovery, for lack of a better term.
    I dabbled with dating & met a fellow chump or that was what the cheater in chump clothes portrayed himself to be. You & CN were there to upright my ship from that fall out with nuggets of wisdom for gaining a better picker while gaining a life.
    So happy for you & Mr Chumplady as you embark for your next chapter together. Eternally grateful for all you do.

  • Happy Anniversary! You helped me a lot years ago when all I heard that you are suppose to reconcile and NEVER be the one to divorce them. That it was OK for them to divorce you. You helped me regain my power again.

  • Hi Tracy! Congratulations! I can’t begin to explain how you have helped to change my life for the better. Even though I am seven years out and definitely at meh, I am still working on the chumpy me. Not only do I hear you in my head “Because somewhere, somehow you think that Assface who got that close to you, and professed to love you, rejected you because of something lacking in YOU — not HIM. Fix that.” I have recently caught myself passing on your words of self respect to my friends. It is becoming ingrained! Thank you for helping me recognize what healthy boundaries look like and what abuse looks like. Through your daily inspiration I have cut out a lot of the unhealthy people in my life and I think I am better in how I treat others. Congratulations, on the new home! I wish you and Mr. CL the very best!

  • After 10 years of marriage and 3 small children, I caught my wife in a hotel with my neighbor. Found out she was cheating for years. I was in such agony. She and her family bought tremendous pressure on me not to divorce. That was October 2012 right when your website started. It was at that time I learned about the unified theory of cake and stopped blaming myself. I have not missed one Chump lady article or one blog response ever since. It gave me the strength to divorce her and the will to live when I had no one to turn to for support and understanding. Thank you

  • Happy anniversary, ChumpNation!!!
    7 years ago, I found CL after DDay and googling, “my husband says he’s not happy” which led me to site after site of so many people posting comments and articles galore of babble about “understanding your partner through his affair” and other bullshit…
    Somehow, someway, I found ChumpLady in that drivel and it literally saved my life!!!
    Today, I’m thriving over here in Meh-topia, 2 years closer to retirement, our almost-14-year-old Autistic daughter is progressing and thriving and I can honestly say him leaving was great, but me standing up for myself and refusing his merry go round of cake and then mind games, recovering from the financial, emotional, and verbal abuse I put up with for 13 years with exh2/The Evil One was even better.
    You did that, ChumpNation. And ChumpLady. Your posted articles and comments from Chumps around the world helped me heal, recover, and grow.
    Viva La Revolucion!!!
    XOXOXO,
    Molly

    • Also, congratulations on the move!!! You and Mr. CL are #relationshipgoals!!!
      My oldest son has lived in VA for the last 2 years with his fiance and they are going to move back home near me next month, which I am so so so happy for! I visited them last year with DD and loved the area! Take care and God bless!!! ❤️👏❤️👏❤️👏❤️👏

  • Wow! Ten years!!! Congrats, Chump Lady! I know you say we saved ourselves, but honestly, I’d probably be dead today if it wasn’t for you and Chump Nation; the gaslighting was strong with my former FW. Also, congrats on your new home, chickens and freelancing career. I think one of your chickens should be named Tuesday. 🙂 (((HUGS))), Chump Lady.

  • Congratulations on 10 years and the new home in the country complete with chickens… a dream of mine for after I retire. LACGAL was the best book I read about infidelity and I read a lot! I threw the others in the trash but passed on my copy to a younger Chump. I also directed a coworker here after her brutal discard.
    Thank you for all yor hard work and dedication!

  • Congratulations CL! I didn’t find your site until after I left my cheater, but it helped me move through the muck that stayed in my head for many years after my divorce. I GREATLY appreciate ‘the voice in the wilderness’ preaching the truth about infidelity. Buy yourself a cute egg apron!

  • Thank you CL, and CN, for being my tribe when I thought I was alone. I knew, intellectually, that I wasn’t, but going around and asking people if they, too, were chumps, wasn’t something I felt comfortable doing. I felt deep shame, I wondered what on earth I had done wrong…after all, I had all these cards from the FW proclaiming how much he loved me, while he was deep in a double life. I didn’t know what to believe. I didn’t know where to turn.

    This Amazon Queen bought ALL the books trying to sort things out on my own.

    And then I found this website and started reading. And reading. And realizing his poor choices were NOT my fault. You ALL helped me understand that I have choices, too.

    I went back to Amazon, bought LACGAL, then gave nearly all the books I read on How to Save Your Marriage a piece of my mind in the reviews, and recommended LACGAL. I’ve sold some of those books, but always enclosed a little encouraging note that also recommended LACGAL…which I will NEVER sell.

    Congratulations, CL, for a job WELL DONE!! Thank you for being a beacon in the darkness.

    • I, too, bought tons of RIC books from Barnesandnoble, but threw them all in the trash once I got LACGAL. Which I go back to frequently and always consult.

  • This is fantastic writing with subpar coffee and just flying home! I’m with you today although I cheated and ran to the local Tim Hortons (hit or miss there) anyway HAPPY TENTH ANNIVERSARY Mrs T♥️ My therapist loves you I love you cheaters DESPISE you (not personally but let’s face it you’re a threat to their game plan)
    I am elated that you’re making the move to farm country and that you don’t have to grind at a job! Find bless you always and the MR!!! A final note: I COMMEND him for supporting this mission! You picked the right one🤟🏻

  • Thank you ChumpLady for all of the insight and humor that you provide to CN. May your new adventure be joyful and prosperous. You worked hard and crafted a life according to your vision, and in doing so helped countless people navigate away from a harmful narrative towards their best lives. I wish we could throw you a CL appreciation party!

  • Congratulations and thank you so much for your guidance and support. I am so grateful for your courage and dedication to educating victims on infidelity (aka, abuse). Best of luck to you and Mr. CL on your new home. TED Talk is a must, xo

  • Tracy – been reading as long as this blog is old-I’ve explored, reflected learned-you’re helping burn down the myths and misconceptions re: infidelity and helping chumps discover their resilient selves.

    You deserve an idyllic country life in your ancient Virginia home -continue this very important work –

  • Count me in as One of the Lives Saved.

    Years ago, I was a wounded, estranged spouse trying to catch her breath and toying with the idea of wreckoncilliation. Chump Lady revealed the underpinnings of codified mind fuckery and gobsmacked me into reality. I started to liberate my mind and that saved me. And the man who introduced me to the Chump Lady Blog at that self-help group? Well, we went on to fall in love. Two Chumps saving our own lives. We got married. On the best Tuesday ever.

  • Congratulations, thank you, and good luck with the move! You’ve been an amazing resource in this fight for dignity & agency for chumped people. And lots of great, specific, practical advice from you and CN. You are a blessing!

  • Thank you for everything CL! You and CN were absolutely essential in getting me to where I am now, coming up on 5 years of fuckwit-freedom. My DD7 and I have a beautiful, full life and I owe so very much to you. I hope I get to meet you in person one day for a hug and happy tears. 🙂

  • Happy Chump Lady Blog birthday! My life is so much better now that I’ve figured out I won’t melt into a puddle without a man. I started down that better road here, when I read the advice that no, I didn’t need to start dating again right away; I needed to start dating myself. This blog, the old forum, and the Reddit site are like graduate school for relationships. “Meh” for me was not just about getting over Jackass; it was also understanding how I went from relationship to relationship because my picker was set to “jackass” and “drunk.” Understanding that changed everything.

    I’m a grateful Patreon subscriber because I want to pay it forward and keep paying it forward.

    • You have been a pivotal adviser for me for the last five years… I still remember in of your first posts to me… “Oh my, I think your shirttail is hanging out..” or some such. I often ask “What would LAJ say?”

      You have been a major influence and one I credit with dragging my ass away from the edge.

      You have made a difference for me. Thank you so much.

  • Happy 10 years! 🥳 Bring out the dancing beagles. You and this place were and continue to be lifesavers. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all you do.

    xo,
    FoxForceFive

  • Congratulations Chump Lady. I am so happy for your success. I found you AFTER going through Affair Recovery (you’ve heard of this, yes? Wink wink) in good ol’ Austin TX. We live in Florida and AP in Waco so that was weird. The thing is… we are a year past DDay and are doing well. My husband is one of your so called Unicorns (not sure, don’t know all the lingo and haven’t seen a definition yet). He cheated once and got caught early. He’s worked very hard in our recovery and so have I. I am very much grateful to the help we received from Affair Recovery, but it really boils down to who is recovering, what it’s worth to them, and IF they are willing to make amends and do the work. I don’t know what lies ahead. I only know my husband gets one chance. He knows he gets one chance. I have faith, but I’m not stupid. I guess that’s why I’m so fascinated by this site. You disperse a lot of wisdom here and so does your flock. I really hold you in high regard and agree with 99.9% of what you pronounce. That being said, I think I have a good balance of knowledge with you as the fulcrum. Thank you for all your great advice. Enjoy the Virginia countryside and those chickens. Best wishes.

    • You are one of us. You just don’t know it yet. I hope that one day you will feel the sheer relief of being free from the abuse. Keep coming back. Eventually, you’re bound to recognize that the affair was/is just one of many ways that you’ve been abused and neglected. I’d bet my life savings that he hasn’t stopped abusing you in some way.

    • I wish you the best, Double Chumped. A lot of us once thought we had unicorns too. My STBX seemed very contrite and willing to do all the work after D-Day #1 in 2004. We made very serious agreements moving forward, and STBX was in and out of individual therapy a lot. But the years dragged on, and I didn’t see the signs that she was devaluing me big-time. Then came D-Day #2 in 2018, after she experienced a big life stressor.

      So, just make sure to maintain healthy boundaries. And know the warning signs of devaluation and emotional abuse. https://themendproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Definitions-1.pdf

      All best to you!

      • PS: your spouse’s knowing that you will not reconcile a second time will not affair-proof your marriage. If anything, cheaters tend to learn lessons from the first time and take their shady stuff even deeper underground in the future. It also gives them reason NOT to talk to you openly, because they figure you will end the marriage for any infraction. So, then we end up in a lose-lose proposition, often for YEARS. I hope you have at least followed CL’s advise in asking for a post-nup! And have those ducks in a row by the door. 😅

  • At the risk of repeating what many have said, thank you so much and another one who literally had her life saved by you

    After what I thought was a wonderful marriage, my ex FW did the same cold, vile things that many of us experienced. At that time, I had no idea of OW, as it was strenuously denied. It was just my many, many faults that had led to this path, apparently

    I first turned to Andrew Marshall, who almost drove me to suicide. I did indeed, much to my great shame, wholeheartedly apologise to FW. Goodness knows what for now. I wanted to just end my life, as his book made me feel entirely to blame

    Several years later when, of course, there was someone else, I found your book, kicked out the idiot and gained some pride. Of course, he’s being an idiot to the letter, about the divorce, finances and custody

    I’m working hard towards the gaining a life part, although it’s a hard slog sometimes

    Congrats on the move and onwards and upwards for us all. Here’s hoping 🥂

  • Guffaw at cartoon, roll eyes, drift into FW memory, experience sweet validation and a shock of righteous anger, cry from sadness, cry from happiness, snort, feel smug about sucky cheaters, drop jaw at CL’s witty and wise words, feel love, connection and compassion, scare cats off my lap with a laugh (yes, this has happened to me, too). Repeat until end of post. Just another day of reading Chump Lady’s blog.

    You’re a credit to chumpkind, Tracy. THANK YOU and CONGRATS! Sounds like a good move on many fronts, and your bravery and desire to keep exploring and going after what you want continue to inspire me to own my life as well. May the Schwartz be with you!

  • Happy Anniversary! I’m not sure how I found my way here, but I’m SO THANKFUL I did, a handful of months after FW left me for a girl thirty years younger than he. It was so freeing to learn the truth — not the “truth” he gave me, but the truth about him and people like him — that He Sucks, and I’m not the only one who’s traveled this path. I’m coming up on two years post D-Day, debt-free and a month’s expenses in the emergency fund (which I was never able to accomplish in twenty years of being with him) and it’s getting where I can’t imagine that I even THOUGHT life with him was amazing. I’m seeing the highway signs announcing that Tuesday is getting closer.

  • Oh Tracy, first of all I love you, second of all Thank You for saving my life, third of all, Congratulations!!!!

    I keep a copy of LACGAL in my car to give away. I’ve given away five copies to five chumps in visible distress in public. This interaction with strangers in crisis stands alone as an accomplishment for an extremely introverted rural chump. I’m a Chump Nation missionary! I sidle up and say “This book saved my life, I hope it helps you.” No one has refused the book.

    I can highly recommend keeping chickens. Their antics are comic. Buff Orpingtons are “the Golden Retrievers of the Chicken World”. They are lap chickens. Keep a padlock on your chicken pen. Lock them up when you are gone. You can train chickens to come when they are called.

    I’m so excited for your move. Congratulations on owning a historic home!!! Lastly, thank you for all you have done to liberate chumps from the evils of the RIC.

  • Thank you for everything you do Tracy! I, like millions of others, feel that you saved me. This blog is the first thing I turn to everyday to give me strength to get through another slog with STBX. On the weekends I go through the archives and read old entries. As my grandmother used to say about her church, I say about LACGAL “It’s my food!”. Thank you so much for everything. You are a much needed voice of sanity in an insane world.

  • thanks for 10 years of service to chumpsters the world round. i’m grateful you exist. things are SO. MUCH. CLEARER. i found this site during a google search of ILYBINILWY and, well, here i am. reading daily and getting through as best possible.

    i feel as if i’ve regained my pride.

  • I’m crying this morning. I am so grateful for CL and CN( and Mr.CL for his input). I didn’t find all of you In time to stop the 4 year pick me dance wreckonciliation but you helped me drag myself out of the deep hole of grief I was in when FW finally left. I recently spent another 2 months in deep mourning because I ignored the lessons learned and got involved with another man-baby narc, who left as soon as I finally woke up to his abuse and said no more. Again CN and CL helped me drag myself out of that hole. Thank you for what you do… every day.

  • Congratulations! I’m so happy for you & Mr. CL.

    I’ll forever be grateful to have found LACGAL early in my chumphood. But, sadly, not before I paid for an 8 week Christian RIC program. The program was advertised for women who are trying to save their marriage after betrayal AND for those who have already decided to leave the marriage. I was the latter. I found LACGAL a couple weeks into that program. In the RIC program, there were weekly phone calls with five other chumps and two facilitators to discuss the material. I was the only chump not currently with her husband. After hearing those women’s awful stories of betrayal and unrepentant husbands, I told them about LACGAL and how much it was helping me. The facilitators shut me down pretty quickly. But I hope at least a couple of those women heard me and bought the book. I threw away the RIC book, but LACGAL still sits on my bookshelf.

    I’m upping my Patreon Support to $10 a month in honor of your 10 year anniversary. Thank you for all you do! Best wishes to you in your new home and in your new endeavors.

  • Tracy, thank you so much for all you do.

    I found this site when I was reeling with shock, grief and anger, your wise and hilarious snark was a revelation when I couldn’t believe the man whom I’d loved and trusted for 23 years had done this to me. I felt so alone, then I realised I wasn’t.

    A friend downloaded LACGAL for me, and that was another revelation, I could take charge of *me*, and fuck the fuckwit and his rat faced whore.

    I also have to thank you for the email you sent me in response to my pathetic wobbling over fuckwit trying to persuade me his boasts about fucking his greasy skank were “just lad’s banter”. I can’t believe I really, really wanted to believe that shite! 😱

    Your reply, “No. He’s gaslighting.” you. Get on the forums and get some support. “. It was the 2 × 4 I needed right then. CN endorsed all you were saying, and I’m so grateful to you and the wonderful CN.

    I shudder to think where I’d be right now if I’d listened to that arsehole’s gaslighting fucker, and *stayed* – aargh! 😱👿

    I’m so glad you and Mr. CL have such happy plans to look forward to, you are a star🌟🌟🌟 in my firmament. Thank you. 💕

  • Thank you !! This blog has given me perspective and a reference to what is sane in an insanity of FW’s I encounter. When a friend or acquaintance confide in me about this subject I send them here. If they continue with the delusion of an affair or staying with a cheating spouse I try to talk and counsel the person. If they continue still, I set the boundary and do not participate any longer with drama. Life is easier and I don’t need the extra weight of their drama in my canoe, so I leave it and paddle away. Thank you and here’s to many more years for the log

  • Every once in a while someone comes slong with a necessary and long-needed message. You are the messenger, Tracy, a true avatar. Your works are changing society and have profound impact. You are absolutely changing the narrative.

    Like Emma C, I came here decades later. There was nothing like this then. Each chump was mired in a world of isolating confusion. My reaction was anger and truth; I wouldn’t back down. People, especially the FW, kept trying to put me in the crazy box and I wasn’t having it. Your message confirms everything and drives home that I wasn’t alone in what happened, I was just dealing with a garden-variety messed up poor excuse for a human being, and there are an abundance of them out there who SAY AND DO THE SAME THINGS. Thank you for speaking the truth Tracy. Preach. The congregation grows exponentially every day. You need to win the Nobel Peace Prize, or something. Mahalo.

  • I read CL’s book before I found the website and my whole perspective has changed. Reading CL and the comments has made me realize that I matter. I’m desperately sad for my kids and I will do whatever I can to be the stable-sane parent, but it’s revolutionary to my thinking that I matter as well.
    Thank you CL and all of you.

  • Thank you Chumplady a thousand times over! If only this resource was available when I divorced a cheater 15 years ago, it would have explained so much. And when I first stumbled upon you 5 years ago after DD #1 with another cheater (thus my name!), it wasn’t just your wise advice but also the thoughtful, sometimes heart wrenching comments of the many posters on here that were inspiring. Too bad I didn’t listen. When DD#2 came recently, I was thankful you are still here. You deserve all the chickens!

  • Congratulations! Your mission here, and dedication, have saved so many of us from a life of pain. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤️! I found you long ago, and it made all the difference. Your work has helped me define who I really am.
    Your old farm house sounds like a dream! You two should really have a great time, bringing it to life, so good luck!
    Chickens are fab, and so sweet and comical. I’ve had quite a few, Choco was my little buddy, following me around as I gardened ( she wanted the worms). She was beautiful, too, like a mocha latte. My chicken advice is- the coop must be a fortress ( like VH said) so make sure you also put chicken wire on the floor, or better yet, use gopher wire. Raccoons love to eat chickens. I’d advise from the start, to set up a good contamination control protocol, some ideas are muck boots that stay by the chicken coop, and hand sanitizer mounted by the coop door. There’s some nasty bacteria you want to keep away from your house! Chickens get mites, so I like diatomaceous earth, that you can put on the coop floor, and even rub into their skin ( don’t breathe it! Wear a mask). For the feet mites, I would rub Vaseline on their legs every so often.
    Sorry to make it sound high-maintenance, but planning is key, then you can just have fun with them! I had two acres, and all my neighbors had chickens. Oh, those delicious eggs, with the deep colored yolks! It’s funny, now I live in the city again, and several neighbors have chicken flocks. It’s popular.
    Get a big bag of freeze dried mealworms, it’s like chicken candy!
    Viva la Chumplady cause!

      • Haha! The meal worms can be extracted with tongs but they are thoroughly dried and crunchy. Two or three chickens make the chore of keeping the chicken house clean pretty easy. They will need to be dusted for mites periodically . Make sure they are locked in and safe from skunks, coon , fox or other Prey. You know Tracy you truly saved me from an ocean of confusion and dispare when after trying to stay in a 20 plus year marriage going to counseling feeling worse about everything , And buying every book known to man about relationship recovery I came upon your book! The “Only one” that unfuncked my situation and brought clarification to what I had been feeling. I had left the cheater and should have stayed gone so as not to have allowed him to drag me through more cheating crap and heartbreak ! I’d given 110% to this turd but one can’t salvage the unsalvageable wreckage of twisted lies and doings from a serial cheater who dodges his own actions and sheds responsibility . They are lower than a snakes belly! So here’s to TEN years and a heartfelt Thank you ! Enjoy the country life , test the water and enjoy your chickens!

    • This is all sound advice! I inherited six chickens when I bought my current house (they were literally written into the counter offer). I don’t feed mealworms, I just throw out whatever (non-allium, so no onion or garlic) veggie scraps I have that day and feed a pellet that has a good nutrient mix. They have a big fenced dirt yard at my house, so they get plenty of digestive grit, minerals, insects, etc. And the apricot tree in their coop is huge and gives the best apricots….

      I’d add only one thing to FreeWoman’s list of helpful tips: Don’t beat yourself up when (not if) your chickens die. Chickens love to die; it’s their core competency outside of laying eggs. They get eaten by crafty raccoons, dogs, and coyotes. They get Mysterious Chicken Diseases. And most vets won’t see them (if they will, you’ll find yourself paying $200 to get a chicken treated who promptly dies anyway, so if one gets sick and isn’t better after a day or two of isolation in a dog crate in your garage or whatnot, honestly you’re better off YouTubing how to euthanize a chicken–I like the broomstick method…).

      So, you’re going to lose some, but that doesn’t mean you’re a Bad Chicken Parent. It will hurt your feelings because they’re sweet and innocent. But just get some new fun breeds (like Silkies! Or Cochins!) and love them, too, and it gets easier over time.

      And the fresh eggs are THE BOMB.

  • You go girl!

    And yes, the book and website – saved my life. That is the naked truth as best I can tell it. It was the turning point for me – when I quit thinking of offing myself as the best solution.

    Thank you to Chump Nation, and especially you, Chumplady. Wishing you another decade of inspiring and rewarding work that reaches millions.

  • Came here this morning because even 6 years from being abandoned by text in a 26(at the time)year marriage, some days it’s still hard to breathe. Now I’m laughing and crying….happy blogiversary CL!

  • Congratulations and thank you! I left in late 14 and by grace found this blog in 15. I absorbed it like a sponge. I read and followed as many of the recommendations as I could as I was navigating the divorce. Not all panned out but it was powerful coming in with specifics I had never thought of because none of that shit was planned by me.
    When local Chump meetups were beginning, I met one and we became good friends. What a bonus!
    Enjoy your new home

  • I cried as I read this! I’m so incredibly happy for you CL!!!❤️You’ve saved my life since 2013/2014 and 3 FW Narcs later (I know right, how did I do that to myself with CL….because I didn’t do all the work on myself that I needed to until 4 years ago. That is when everything clicked. I’ve been narc free ever since).

    ((Big hugs and feathers to you CL))
    Btw, I love your aunts names for your chickens!

  • ChumpLady please name one of your chickens Eleanor. I always wanted a chicken named Eleanor but chickens aren’t in my near future! Oh, and if you have room, a black and white goat named Oreo!

  • Congratulations Chump Lady! You saved my sanity almost six years ago. I found this site on Google and wrote a desperate email and to my surprise you emailed me right back! After years of gaslighting, putdowns, lies, and devaluing, you called me MIGHTY! The people on this blog empowered me and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. My ex-husband has shown himself to be the snake that he is and I’m free of him in large part due to this blog, I. AM. FREE!!

  • “Mr. CL and I are both a couple of flaming codependents”

    I like this. I think “co-dependency” gets over used. Trusting and depending on your spouse is not co dependent, it is what we in a marriage should have. The older I get the more I realize it.

    That doesn’t mean one has to be married to be happy, but if in a solid marriage that should and likely will be the natural progression.

    My husband and I are 72 and 82 and we joke that between the two of us we make one good person. We help each other when needed and yet give each other time and space for our individual interests.

  • My humble thanks to you, Tracy. And congrats on your 10-year milestone. Your writing saved my sanity at a time when I was being urged to accept an insane situation. You very well may have saved my life. It’s a great mitzvah to extend your hand in humanity to those who are being subjected to inhumane treatment.

  • So happy for you and all your chickens! Thank you for all you do for us chumps. 40 million views!
    I know I need this blog to keep me sane. I reached meh, but I still have triggers, and I figure I always will.

    Off to do the patreon, because it’s the right thing to do.

  • I’m proud to have been a member of Chump Nation for 7.5 years. Tracy, this site, and this community saved my sanity, prevented me from needing a defense attorney (my state is an enthusiastic promoter of the death penalty), led to some of the best friendships I could ever have hoped to make, and helped me live my values. Three cheers for CL and everyone who has found a life of integrity by ditching their cheater.

    I moved out of the house I lived in with Hannibal Lecher a year and a half ago, for the last step in my ‘fresh start’ after divorce. However, moves are not fun (I have been known to comment that I would disembowel myself than ever move again), and I applaud the bravery of Tracy and Mr. CL of their transition to a gorgeous farmhouse. May their life overflow with chickens, including one named Dwayne.

    • Thank you for all you do for this community. CN doesn’t know a fraction of how much you’ve helped folks. Tempest actually just closed out the estate of DatDamWulf, who sadly passed away a few months ago. You are Che Guevara in the chump revolution. Thank you.

      • So sorry to hear about DatDamWulf. She was a wonderful inspiration. Please pass on my condolences to her loved ones.

      • Thanks to both CL and Tempest! Happy blogiversary, and may the mightiness be with you all. I would say we neeer chumps stand on the shoulders of giants, but I don’t want you to experience anybody standing on your shoulders. So… a HUGE thank you will have to suffice!

      • Oh no! Dat and I had some great exchanges on the forums, and I always looked forward to seeing her avatar. RIP, DatDamWulf.

  • I love this site, your writing style & all of your post. I had no idea that the illustrations were yours personally. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!🎉🎊🎈 When I was all alone on D-Day 4 years ago, I wish I had found this site first. While everyone was wondering what I had done, he’s an addict, he has the pressure of a whole family on him, he has depression, he has anxiety, etc…… Many of those things I developed because I stayed. Not the addiction portion. Some many sites had lonely, depressed, people trying to make things work (reconcile) , and so many excuses as to why you should. No matter what advice was given I could not shake that fact that I had been chumped & this marriage was over! I sat in my car readin “Leave a Cheater, again a Life” I was blown away at how I was not the only person whom felt that way or who did the “pick me dance”…… Sitting here 4 years later, still here, BUT having filed for divorce & awaiting a court date. I made the right decisions, mostly because of the people here. Toast to all of you, especially Tracy. You deserve your farm, chickens, Mr. Chump, you deserve it all. Finally a person who spoke their truth about infidelity online.

  • Congratulations CL! You truly altered the course of my divorce and recovery! Thank you and keep on keeping on! Virginia countryside will be a wonderful place to carry on the service you provide! 🤗

  • Chump Nation has provided a warm, supportive, uplifting, and very often hilarious refuge for me ever since I offered my first tentative comment in May 2012. This community of kind and witty people has bolstered my faith in humanity, and though I’m long past my days of desperate 3am googling, I read here daily for the reminder that no, the world isn’t a horrible scary place (notwithstanding the daily news I try to avoid), but that it is full of kind and caring people. Thank you, all, from the bottom of my heart.

  • Thank you so much for all you do! When I needed it most, you gave me the tools to stand up for myself and taught me the skills I needed to see through the victim blaming. I honestly don’t know where I would be – or even if I would be at all – if it weren’t for your plain speaking and unique insight. You’re an honest-to-(insert your deity here) life saver! Happy Anniversary to you and to us all.

  • I am eternally grateful for this blog. It got me through dealing with my very soon to be ex husband so I started to think of the divorce as a business deal. I no longer have emotional attachments to him. After things going nowhere for a year, we actually came to an agreement today.

  • I bought your book for a beloved nephew who was chumped by a nasty STBX; I really hope it helped him as much as it has helped others.
    You are a gem among jewels!

  • In honor of the blog’s 10th Anniversary (and to address what would have been my 30th wedding anniversary) I plan to buy several LACGAL books for my area’s Little Libraries. I consider this action guerilla warfare against cheaters and the RIC.

    I have read every comment in every CN post for the last three years. It saved my life, my sanity, my savings and my dignity. I hope to see the day infidelity is viewed as abuse and its perpetrators held to account.

    Happy New Home – Virginia is a beautiful state.

  • Happy anniversary!!! This blog and your book saved my life! I poured over the blog daily when my mind couldn’t steady itself in the early days. I listened to the book on audio in the car because driving was hard because my mind would spiral. The information I have received here and the support is unmatched. This community is mighty! Thank you all for helping get to a safer and much better place!

  • Happy Birthday Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I found you in the early days, had my 10 year anniversary of freedom on the 15th February. I was shaking and rocking and this blog saved me life. I finally got custody of my disabled boy. Battled a few court cases and now going back after hidden money. My oldest daughter has turned out to be a Narc like her father, and short story, I’m not going to her wedding next week. I don’t let people treat me bad any more, I’m not dancing for crumbs. My boy and I are getting a campervan and going travelling with the dog. Living my best life. Thank you everyone, by reading your stories I got hope and strength xxxxx

    • I wish I could vote for this twice Carer Chump. I, too, have a daughter that has followed in the narc footsteps. Breaks my heart but I almost want to live to be 120 years old so I can see how her own (yet unborn) kids will treat her one day. Nevertheless, enjoy that campervan, your son and the dog riding shotgun. ; )

  • Happy anniversary. Thank you so much for this blog. This community made me feel less alone. The information, words of wisdom, encouragement found on this site is invaluable. Thank you.

  • CL, I want to say Congrats and Happy Birthday CN and thank you. When my therapist said, “What is the byline that I should say to you to summarize this (chump) experience?” And I wrote out little sentences but FW was the subject of them (“You hurt me, but…” or “You tried to destroy me..”). I wanted to make my action the subject, so I came up with “I left a cheater, and..” and then googled that phrase, and that is how I found you and this glorious nation. Reading you, and having you answer a letter of mine, helped me untangle the internal bullshit and lies I had long since swallowed has healed me, freed me. Seeing the comments of CN made me, years later, feel SO MUCH BETTER and begin to laugh about how cheaters are truly all alike, so banal. And APs…nothin special. And why? Kibbles. God, I wish I’d had you years ago!

    But in a way, I am so glad I found you when I did. Last night I drove by a baseball stadium where one of the betrayals occurred. I instinctively rolled my eyes and thought, cheaters gonna cheat. I didn’t cringe, I didn’t flinch…just rolled my eyes. That’s amazing to me. And I finished “The Girl on the Train” last night and also rolled my eyes and thought, well, that’s a cheater for you.

    The roll of the eye. The triumph of the chump. The getting of a life. That’s the amazing work you do. Thank you again.

  • Happy anniversary! You have helped me so much!
    I just wanted to get this in before the day gets away from me. I am forever grateful to you for getting the message out there about chumps. I used to think I deserved every bit of bad behavior from the cheater, & I couldn’t find a way to make it end.
    I am happily divorced, my angst & suffering is mostly non-existent, & I continue to learn about what happened & how wrong people are to perpetuate phrases like “it takes two to tango,” or “don’t air your dirty laundry,” or my favorite, “he had to cheat. She’s such a cold bitch.”
    I love your snark & foul language!

    Good luck with the move. I am happy for you – chickens, farm, farmhouse!!

  • Omg; I am one of those Newcastle Chumps who met you on your grand Australian Tour! It was a shared post from one of my friends about your ‘Visit and Conference’ that alerted me to your work. Yes, I met so many wonderful brave amazing women that day! I am so badass mighty; thanks to Chump Lady! And in a moment of irony, I left the country chicken ranch for a better life after nearly 40 years of being yoked to the grindstone of mirage insanity (Thank you Velvet Hammer! I love your writing!)
    Thank you Tracy, I am deeply grateful! Thank you thank you!

    • You are so badass. And a baking savant. OMG that sour dough. What CN doesn’t know is that you sent one of our Oz CN members a loaf of bread every week while she was widowed while pregnant. You’re a wonderful, wonderful person and it was an honor to meet you.

      • I am still close friends with Bianca! I still send her occasional bread and we talk at least weekly. She is amazing and we regularly hold each other up!

        • Please pass along to Bianca more loving kindness, hugs and support from her admirers from all over this inimitable Chump Nation. You both are mighty and hugely inspirational. Grateful am I to ‘know’ you both from CL and CN.

  • Happy 10th Tracy. Like so many others have said here, you got me out of the mindfuck blender and the RIC. I am on the right path now to getting the lying cheater out of my life. They are essentially all the same with their lies and secret lives. I still cannot believe the enormity of what this FW did and how much money he spent on Schmoopie. Thankfully, the forensic accountant has a handle on that and I am sure I will get it back. Good news is that I live in a fault state. It gives me a certain satisfaction knowing that adultery will be on the record. Right now the going is still tough between settlement offers and his ongoing abuse but I know that this is finite and in the end I will be free.

  • Ma y congratulations, 10 years is a real milestone, what wonderful work you have done and how many poor old chumps you have helped
    Hooray for chickens. I lost most of my chickens a few weeks ago, after 7 years a fox found his way in and left me with one survivor, who is sitting on my knee asleep as I write this. Need to sort out some strong mesh to sort out the run before I can find her some friends x, but until then I am her flock. I’ve had no health problems at all, they raised some lovely little chicks , they were Pekin bantams and the cutest little birds, I rehomed some of the cocks, but found that it was OK having more than one having been brought up with their Dad, so no fighting.
    Hope the move goes smoothly

  • Happy Anniversary!!!
    God bless you, Tracy, and your massive caring heart!
    Can’t imagine the pride and satisfaction you must feel from this blog. It’s always very obvious that it’s truly a labor of love for you, and equally obvious, the time and effort you devote to it. It’s a LOT!!
    You’ve opened up this practically uncharted space for ppl that have been so deeply and profoundly hurt, having no way to fully understand what happened to them and feeling catastrophically lost in life, with seemingly no way forward.
    Until we all luckily noticed, your very dimly flickering torch way way up there on the path, a tiny dot leading the way out.
    And then listening to that barely audible voice in our heads whispering to us, “ she knows what the fuck’s up, follow her out!”

    To be able to come to this community for the last three years, having the space to be seen and understood by a very generous community of caring souls, and to know you didn’t create your own nightmare, it just found you, and that you are far from alone in the pain and confusion you are experiencing.
    It’s a thing that happens to other ppl too!?!So ridiculously crazy to me still!
    Good ppl, caring ppl, loving ppl, that all cared deeply about their loved ones and families, but none of that could prevent the devastation inflicted by having it ripped out from under them, scorched earth events.

    This became my tribe, hard to even think of what would have happened without it.
    It’s a whole alternate reality you had no knowledge existed until you became a chump.
    A club you don’t ask for membership in, but thank your lucky stars daily it was there for you.
    I think I’m stilled shocked any of this life event was even real.
    Only chumps can help you navigate through that kind of chaos and you, Tracy, are so hugely generous of your time to open this space up, it’s truly been a life saver.
    How many ppl get to say they saved ppl’s lives? That is not a common feat.
    It could not be more true of what you are doing.
    Thank you, thank you!!

    I also would be sooooo excited to see you do a Ted talk! Yes!! That would be so awesome.
    The RIC BS needs to continue to be called out on a bigger and bigger stage, so they don’t get to take advantage of the vulnerable forever more.
    There’s a slow wave building to do just that, but their grip is such a potent one.

    No one really wants to give up on the hope that their love is salvageable, not anyone really. So they get to be abused in that many more layers of society deep, so healing becomes that much farther away.

    Cheaters can’t be allowed to hide behind these walls of cultural acceptance.
    No more sympathy for their plights of being unhappy, lonely, sad and unfulfilled sacks, so they just needed some wife 20-30 years younger to bring them that special joy that could, of course, never quite dwell in you.

    That story needs to be exterminated!
    That you and your chickens will remain steadfast warriors against the sale of RIC BS, makes me continue to have faith that good ppl do indeed dwell in this world, something I deeply doubted after FW abuse destroyed me and my trust almost everything.

    Wishing you all goodness on your journey to an exciting new home with a partner you love and loves you back. (How novel a concept!!)
    Ahhhhhhhh, does my heart good to know it. Right out of a romance novel.
    Life after chumpness, it actually exists!

    Just even knowing it’s even remotely possible means the world, whatever that reset becomes, with or without a partner, CN is proof of life after complete destruction.
    I want that dream in my heart.

    Thanks for leading the way out with grace, strength, courage and your hilariously brilliant wit, which not one of us is getting through anything at all without!

    I just joined Patreon today. 💜
    I don’t prefer repeating charges in general or like that Patreon takes a cut and would also prefer one time donations right to you as some others mentioned.
    But I can’t not recognize your contributions to the force for good any longer, and I do believe in paying it forward in life, so I finally jumped onboard.

    All the best with your wild and new adventure, you are an amazing person and are wished as much good as you give.
    I happily toast your anniversary, no one deserves good wishes more. Congrats!!!
    ( Can’t wait for your next book!) 😊👍

  • Thank you so much for this blog, it saved my sanity and put me back together again emotionally and morally after a cheater knocked me off my feet. This blog helped me understand the full impact and the hidden aspects of what happened to me. It also helped to clear away the mental fog left by the cheater’s gaslighting and manipulation; and finally, to process the painful emotions and damage to my sense of self. There was really no one in my circle that could help with any of that. In addition to Chumplady’s clarity, humor and sage advice, the empathy and wisdom of the commenters has been enlightening and healing too. Thank you so much, may your next ten years be wonderful too!

  • 40 Million!?! Holy shit that’s a whole lot of Chumps! Tracy, there is not too much I can add that hasn’t already been said here, but CONGRATULATIONS!! for the success of this blog, the new/old house and the adopted chickens, of course. THANK YOU for following your gut to start publishing. I found you in early 2015, just as the wheels fell off my bus, as my 27yr marriage imploded due to, erm, previously undiagnosed ‘girlfriends’ the FW was playing with, which uncovered an entire second-life that took down everything we had worked for. It was so unbelievable that I thought the Mad Hatter was drugging my tea. You and the Chump Nation kept my brain from exploding over those next few years (Tempest was my ‘head-in-a-blender’ mentor, and Cashmere, who put out some mind-changing prose) and I still visit nearly every day. It took me 7 years to finally get free of the FW (Feb ’22) and the view has really started to shift now that the divorce is final. BONUS: back in the old forums there were chump meet-ups and I met a fellow Chump who is my irl bestie!! Much has changed in me and around me in these past few years, but much of what was authentic truly ‘me’ is really still the same as before the FW entered my life. I just have to wait for her to catch up a little, but she’s running towards the light..and meh. Happy TUESDAY!! Best wishes to you and Mr. CL! I’m betting there’s a rose garden, am I right?

  • Thankyou. I too found this site after researching how to end my life due to a straying husband. I was so scared to read LACGAL because I was tokin on that hopium like a gudden!!! You explained it all. Made it very clear it wasn’t my fault. It was/is still incredibly painful but I don’t self blame. My divorce and settlement is about to happen after 18 months of FW being a FW following a 31 year mirage (thanks VH for that term). I can taste my freedom and am railroading towards’ meh’.

    Would not be here without you all.

    ❤️

  • Happy 10 years!!! I thank you and CN from the bottom of my heart for giving me strength and hope and comaraderie. Thank you for educating me and giving me the words and phrases to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with clarity. My brain was a swirl of black and gray when I first came here 6 years ago. Now I am clear headed, gaining a life and moving to meh.
    I am proud to be a Patreon. XXOO

  • Personally I keep reading because I love Tracy’s writing, intelligence and humour. Her blog could be about anything and I’d read it.
    I’ve been putting my mind on other things besides cheating but I keep reading just to hear Tracy’s voice.
    Thank you for sharing your talents with the world C lady

  • Congratulations on a whole decade of helping others! Like many here, you’ve literally saved my life. I also wish it was easier to make a one time donation- when you’re in the midst of chaos it’s easier to think one offs rather than long term sometimes 🙂.

    I spent a few dreadful weeks apologizing to my husband for not meeting his needs and driving him to cheat on me. He relished that phase and rubbed it in, letting me know how badly I’d f’d up and that it was all my fault what had happened. I was suicidal.

    But something didn’t seem right about that thought process. Even in my darkest hour I held onto some small part of myself. That’s when one fateful evening in a mental haze, I walked into my messy garage and started digging through things. I don’t even know why I did it, but there I found the evidence of years of cheating. I confronted my ex and the rolling confessions began- it was years of cheating with hookers, sex clubs and god knows what….the rest is history.

    Chump nation changed the narrative for me, along with a very serendipitous meeting with a switched-on therapist who referred me to my local womens refuge for abuse counseling. He could see right through my thinking and knew I’d been under a regime of manipulation and a double life. Thank god for him and Tracy!

    The cheating we’ve endured is an abusive act. It is through this lens that we can heal. The RIC and their victim blaming is shameful and frankly, from what I saw, it seems to be run by cheaters who are out there trying to prove that they’re great people. It’s dangerous for the victims of cheaters to latch onto that narrative…they begin with the assumption that all cheaters are contrite and that it “takes two” to cause cheating. Fuck that!

    Thank you for existing Chump Lady, you are my heroine❤️❤️‍🩹💪🏻

  • CL, your book and this site saved me from my crazy cheating ex wife. I am officially divorced, fuckwit free and I feel amazing. I can’t thank you enough!

  • Newcastle was very special. YOU are very special. This site and you turned the world from sepia toned to full colour. I’m forever changed by what happened to me, but that’s ok. I like these hard edges. They give me life. Love you. Xx

  • I’m late today and I’m just off to bed , but I just wanted to Thank You ( your husband and family for sharing your time with us ) and all of CN from the bottom of my heart

    I honestly don’t think I’d be here without you all .
    I wish you nothing but health and happiness and joy in your life . Thank you all CN 🍺

  • Your website has been a superlative resource during a most stressful time of life. I wish you good health and the greatest of success. For all of our sakes.

    And because your writing sometimes makes me silly giggle.

  • Thank you, CL, for this site and for your book!!! You saved me and continue to buttress me every day. I know that sounds like hyperbole, but honestly, I cringe to think of how I might be right now had I not found you.

    Also, shout out to my fellow chumps. I wish I weren’t a chump, but I love this community.

  • Congratulations on the 10 years! Like so many others, I found CN after a horrific DDay. Due to the circumstances, there was never any possibility of wreckonciliation, but I was still a mess.
    “Trust that he sucks” and “if it feels good, don’t do it” have been my watchwords for quite a number of months now, and have definitely stopped me from doing stupid things. Thank you, Tracy, and all the fellow chumps out there for keeping us sane during a time of insanity. And welcome to VA!

  • Miss the forums from the old site. I get why it went away and don’t begrudge the change. But, the support there was an AMAZING gift that the Facebook page just can’t quite match. So many really kind people who would pick apart your problem and validate your feelings. They kept me whole.

    • NHGMom, come find us on the Reddit group instead of FB. I don’t belong to the FB group, but from what I hear, Reddit is more akin to the old forums.

  • May your new home be filled with as much light, laughter, and love that you have so freely given to all of us here in Chump Nation. Thank you for being the amazing life-saving human that you are.

  • I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have googled “leave a cheater” (after discovering my husband’s “nth” affair) and finding this community. I have since read this blog every day for the past 2 years, I’ve read all of the archives, and I look forward to waking up every weekday in anticipation of that morning’s post. ❤️

  • Congratulations! you continue to be an inspiration to me, and I needed an inspiration today. (to make it all about me!) You’re doing amazing things here, and I’m so, so happy you’re able to make it your living too. And CHICKENS!! Yay!

  • Dearest Chump Lady, you saved my self esteem from Cheater #1 and gave me the strength to stand up to Cheater #2. I admire your strength, fortitude and honesty. Thank you for your blog and the message you continue to give the Universe. I live in the woke capital on the west coast of the USA, where blame shifting and DARVO-ism is common place, so I’m going to follow another chump’s wonderful idea to fill every little library with a copy of your book. —- Oh, and the irony — My son, the Eagle Scout and son of Cheater #1, built little libraries all around our town as his Eagle project. I hope that every OW that walks through this town sees those books and looks down in shame. — Oh wait. These bitches and bastards have no shame. — Ah well, a girl can dream.

  • Thank you Tracey for all that you do. This blog saved me as well, which I discovered through Divorce Minister. Both your book and his book really helped me in the weeks and months after D-day. Now 18 months after D-day I’m very close to meh. Healed my emotional inner wounds, did a course and started my own business, wrote a novel and now trying to find an agent for it. And started dipping my toes in dating again. So thank you for this site. Once I get my finances sorted I will sign up for patreon and support the work so that fellow chumps will continue to recieve this resource.

  • Thank you Chump Lady for what you do. As a chump, you still have to walk through the fire and the pain of infidelity and divorce, but having a site like this that allows you to express your pain and connect with others who have lived through this makes more difference than you know. Again, thanks and happy 10th anniversary!

  • This blog helped me more, so much more than 4 1/2 years of therapy. I am a proud patreon contributor, and I will always be grateful to you, Tracy — and to CN/CL.

    As a veterinarian who has cared for many chickens over the years, I can tell you that they all have personalities, and getting acquainted with each is one of the great pleasures of owning them. As they get older, they become like little old ladies, and require additional warmth and comfort in their environment.

    Enjoy your chickens, and your new home, and thank you again for all that you do.

  • Thank you so much for all that you do! I never post but I read this site every single day and I am also a proud Patreon supporter. I came across your book in the bookstore when I was desperate for anything that would help me save my marriage of 25 years. Everything I had read up to that point just didn’t resonate. I mean, how could I improve myself when by any measure I had already been a very loving and devoted wife? I made all of my needs infinitesimal and did anything and everything my husband wanted. When I tried all of the RIC suggestions, it made no difference and he kept cheating. I am grateful to say that your book was like a life preserver when I was drowning. I read through it and couldn’t stop saying, “That’s right! That is exactly how it is!” It was the first time I realized that I wasn’t responsible for his continual betrayal and secret double life. The timid forest creature description was especially apropos. My ex-husband is a high profile leader with a narcissist’s overabundance of confidence, yet he claimed he could never tell me about his so-called unhappiness for years because, among other things, he couldn’t trust me. Talk about a head-in-the-blender moment. He never acted unhappy at all, by the way. Everything he said was BS. Thank you for pointing out the obvious to all of us who need a reality check but can’t think straight due to gaslighting.

  • So moving to read all the comments here tonight and so grateful for Tracy and all of you at the chump nation.
    DDay was at the end of June and divorce will be final on May 10th which is my birthday. I’m a long way from Tuesday but in a much better place because of CL and CN. This is a place to go when all feels hopeless. Daily therapy is sitting outside and reading the day’s post.
    Thank You

  • It’s four years out. There’s still a moment or two every month where I roll my eyes at a text FW sent or a story that my kids tell BUT the awesome thing is….it’s not my problem anymore! I know without a doubt that you saved my sanity and wallet with this site. The playbook, the shared revelations, the “jeez, how did I not see that?”. So it’s seems a trifle to say thank you but it all matters. Gratitude expressed for lighting the way so the rest of us could show up and lift each other out of it!

  • Congrats CL and CN! I’m a bit late to this party, but still want to celebrate.
    I am celebrating by sending out the invitations to my combination graduation and housewarming potluck planned for May 14. I have a lot to celebrate:
    Back in Sept 2021 I moved into my sweet little house that is the perfect size for just me.
    On May 8, I will get my Masters in Social Work.
    On May 11, I will take my licensing exam.
    On June 6, I will start my first full-time job in 28 years as a family therapist at Nationwide Children’s Hopsital with a decent salary and full benefits.
    I have posted this before, but CL saved me from who knows how much pick me dancing when I found out my husband of 27 years (30 together) was cheating on me in May of 2019. It was a shock to everyone who thought they knew him. I was still in shock when I found LACGAL at The Strand bookstore in NYC on Pride Day (how fitting) in June of 2019. The book opened my eyes and helped me to get the nerve to have my lawyer send papers to my now ex.
    Since then, I have recommended LACGAL to many other chumps. Recently, I gave a presentation to the therapy department at my social work internship about how cheating is abuse, and how to support someone who is dealing with a cheater including pointing them to LACGAL, all with my supervisor’s blessing.
    Tracy – If you are near Columbus, Ohio on May 14, I hope you will come to my party. You are one of the reasons I am close to ‘meh’ and living a much happier life, on my own.
    Here’s to as many years as it takes to make the RIC crumble and cheaters feel the burden of their actions. We all deserve better, and as a nation, we are changing the narrative.

  • Let me add one more comment to the chorus of gratitude singing here today. I am not certain how I found you… possibly from a link or comment at Captain Awkward? I didn’t really see myself here at first… I was toking hopium, in between my third and fourth round of MCing, wondering, after 18 years, if this really what marriage was supposed to be: his bouts of ED (now know from porn addiction), separate bedrooms, periods of relative calm punctuated by word salad and other weirdness where my gut was screaming, home repair chaos… etc. You all know the drill. Found the courage here to say that porn addiction is a form of cheating but still didn’t know what to do. 18 months into the pandemic (Christmas Eve, of course!) found out about his 5 year long addiction to pot, use of marital funds to buy weed (daily abuse of it). Shortly after that discovery, while he was out getting high, I found I could see his texts synched to our computer… found the (at least) EA with a long time “friend” and everything finally fell into place. You, CL, and all of you, CN, helped me GTFO of that marriage; I was calling divorce lawyers the Monday between Christmas and New Years. Kicked him out on Inauguration Day, filed in February, moved to rental in May with teen kid, sold the house in August, final decree signed by judge in early September. Some days I still catch my breath at the speed I went to FINALLY get free, and if the wall of my house don’t sing quite yet… I know that’s coming. Endless gratitude for the wisdom here, the examples of how to be MIGHTY, the support from all over the world, how to get my ducks in a row, and the SNARK.

  • Ironically, my cheater left me with his chickens. It was four hens, but something got one of them so we have three left. If the coop and system is already set up, they aren’t too much work to maintain. Feed them, give them water, and collect the eggs. Keeping the coop clean is probably the most work. We use pine shavings and toss the messiest clumps out weekly, topping it up with fresh shavings, and do a complete clean out about every month or so.

    Congrats on the 10 year anniversary! And thank you.

  • Big congratulations on 10 years of changing the narrative!

    When I told my therapist my exit story she was awestruck and asked how did I know how to get out so quickly and cleanly, blindsiding my ex and getting a very good property division, and not fall for the RIC BS. Chump Lady is now on her resources list.

    You saved my life CL.

  • Thanks Tracy for providing support and a sane voice in the middle of the RIC crap. I found you in 2015 several months after I’d found out my then wife of 17 years had been cheating for over a year (she told me on our anniversary – classy). She told me she wasn’t sorry she’d done it, told me why I was a crap husband, told me she’d probably do it again but kept telling me not to divorce her. I found the RIC, read a couple of Andrew Marshall books that told me it was my fault and showed me the huge pile of shit I had to swallow to win her back. Did I mention 2 teenaged daughters, a home, 20 years of sunk costs? Not easy to walk away from. 2 months later, after more lies and disappointments I found CL and LACGAL and the pieces fell into place. A big shout out to my eldest daughter who one evening said “Do you trust Mum?” And I said “No”, she then proceeded to tell me her Mum was planning a sneaky meet up with Mr FW in a coffee shop in a nearby town (despite both of them telling their spouses they weren’t seeing each other anymore). That was the moment I could see that I could stay and spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder or bite the bullet and divorce shit head. I chose gaining a life and gained a lot of strength from this community. So thanks again Tracy and thanks to #1 daughter for thinking of her Dad. My 2 girls are adults now – my proudest achievement? Neither of them are remotely like their Mum, they both take after me. I hope to think I modelled how to (finally) walk away from abuse to them. Now 7 years later I have a very happy life. LACGAL indeed.

  • Long-time reader, first-time poster here.
    I found this blog in early 2013, and it honestly saved me. I thought about staying ‘for the sake of the kids’, but after reading the warnings from other chumps, I realized that i needed to get out. So many days were a struggle to get through, but I would look forward to reading the latest post and all the comments, every last one — it was my lifeline. I divorced the cheater and have been fuckwit-free since 2014. The kids and I are doing great! I still come here to read every week (over 9 years!) — it keeps me strong and makes me realize how much better my life is on the other side. Thank you CL and CN for everything!!

  • I don’t think I’ve heard of chicken custody included as a condition of a home sale before.

    Anyway, good luck, and my best wishes, Chumplady!

    • And I have the names for your chickens! Tuesday (as someone already suggested), Meh, and Lacgal!

  • You changed my life and gave me perspective – and the feeling of self worth.
    I am so grateful for this page.

    • Congratulations Chump Lady! Thank you so much for your generosity and selflessness and sharing your time, talent, support and wisdom.
      Just like everyone above
      I also found support here in my darkest moments
      You are a brave pioneer changing the narrative on infidelity.
      May all the good karma You have put into the universe Come back to you in beautiful roses and baskets of eggs

  • Thank you for everything, Tracy! I’m close to seven years out from my divorce, and I wouldn’t have made it without my daily dose of CL and the witty and wise CL community. This place is the gift that keeps giving-there was a group of us recommending you to a distressed poster on a Reddit sub just the other day.

    Best wishes in your new home and country life!

  • I found chump lady almost 5 years ago. I was already divorced but in the throes of discovering that my ex lied to me about the whole affair being over by the time he told me about it. Fast forward to 8 months later, less than a month after we divorced, and the way I discovered he’d been lying was the day my aunt died (she was like my second mom) and he’d had our girls for a few days. I picked them up at school and their hair was beautifully braided. I asked, “did Dad do your hair like that?” Thinking, “wow, I had no idea” only to hear, “no… it was AP”

    The sheer and absolute rage that welled up inside of me was scary. I didn’t flip my shit with the girls, but I was very close to absolutely losing it. That was May 5 2017…. I found Chump Lady on July 4 2017… the first holiday I did not have my children because they were with The galavanting fuckwit and his new whore.

    I’m pretty sure CL saved me from serving a life sentence for murdering him and her in their bed and being a Betty Broadrick rerun…. No… I am not kidding. Wish I was. This site along with 17 miles of distance with me living here and him in the next town over, has been my saving grace.

    I have never, ever felt rage like that and CL helped me tremendously in reigning it in. I could not have done it alone. I am forever grateful to the members of Chump Nation who talked me down countless times and helped make sense of why I felt the way I did. I read the blog faithfully and felt sanity coming back to me in the following months. I felt heard and validated and knew I wasn’t alone.

    I honestly think that this website has kept more than just me out of jail and our justice system would do well to heed the words here… infidelity is abuse and a person can take only so much before they snap. I was very close to snapping.

    CN (over on the Reddit boards) has also helped me tremendously for the last year as my ex husband sued me for custody of our 2 daughters a second time. The first time he lost his ass and got less than what I had offered to begin with. He sued me a 2nd time last May, filed emergency motions to take custody away from me, all the while one daughter has been suicidal and chronically depressed and diagnosed as bi-polar… which he was blaming me for.

    It ended last month when he was arrested for assaulting the OW, spent a night in jail, and then shot and killed himself the next day shortly after release. (on a Tuesday, no less). My girls are devastated that he checked out like that.

    I’m trying to pick up the pieces with my girls. We’ve got a really long road ahead of us. The battles with him are over, but now we have to navigate the huge debris field he’s left behind…still the center of attention… for now.

    And… strangely… the OW and I have made peace. I actually had her and her mother and my ex’s child over for a late afternoon, early supper a couple of days ago. I feel sorry for her now. She has lost everything… her home, primary custody of her other children, she has a 4 year old child with FW who is significantly handicapped with Cerebral Palsy, she has no job, non adequate child care so she CAN work, a run down shithole house that is too traumatizing to go back to…. and allllllll his crap still in it….. and her best friend was fooling around with him at the very end. I have none of that. Her life is very hard right now and she cannot hurt me anymore.

    I’m so glad I did not murder them both at the height of my anger…. because I was very close. Jesus Christ, with the help of Chump Lady and Chump Nation saved me from myself….no doubt about it.

  • A heartfelt THANK YOU to Chump Lady and the wonderful people I have met on this blog. I might very well still be married to BAM and curled up in the fetal position wasting ever more precious years but for the education and clarity I found here. Love, love, love this place.

  • Tracy, we all owe you a great debt. We’d probably all still be in RIC hell if you hadn’t started this blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you’ve done to change the narrative. We love you.

    I do think it’s interesting how coincidental things are. You started this blog 10 years ago on 4/19/12. My deceased dad’s birthday is 4/19. The FW EX walked out the door to move in w/her putrid older boss a half mile down the street on 4/19/17. That was almost two weeks after D-day and me begging her to stay w/me and reconcile. Just interesting.

    Now, I haven’t read thru all the comments, but the first thing that struck me about your announcement that you were moving to an old Virginia house in the country is, “Isn’t this kind of like the house you started in w/your cheating former second husband? Have you gone full-circle here? If so, may you slay any and all old ghosts w/Mr. CL regarding it. And enjoy your chickens. You’re a better person than me. I can barely handle the two cats the FW XW left behind w/me.

    And as for going freelance? Again, kudos to you. That’s fantastic. I hope only the best for you, Mr. Cl, and your son. Best of luck, and thanks for keeping the blog running, despite all the tough times. We need you and we appreciate all you do.

  • I LOVE YOU CHUMP LADY!!!! Almost at meh… thanks to you and to Chump Nation. You saved my life two years ago. I sent an email to you in desperation and YOU REPLIED – thank you, thank you, thank you for being real and real funny. Thank you for all you do, thank you for saving my life. I left a cheater and now I have a BEAUTIFUL life.

  • Welcome to Virginia! If I happen to cross paths with you in the grocery store I’ll try not to stalk you.
    Married 28 years – multiple affairs. Separated twice. Wreckonciliation from year 20+…. it wasn’t until I read your book (listened to itthree times on audio book!) that I truly KNEW that I was worth more than this crap-fest. It’s only been 3 months since he moved out but I KNOW one day soon I’ll see the sunrise on a new, amazing life.
    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • Congratulations, CL, and belated happy 10th blogiversary wish! THANK YOU for saving my life and my kid’s childhood. You and CN are amazing! I hope and pray that every newbie chump desperately googling for answers wash up on these safe shores. Can I say thank you again? THANK YOU!

  • Congratulations Tracy – this website saved my life, my sanity, and my kids. Whenever I get the opportunity, I pay it forward to new chumps who need a life rope. Thank you for everything you do every day to keep this site going!

  • So grateful for Mr. CL’s/Nomar’s/Best Man Ever’s support and confidence in your talents!

    • Also CL – I’m OG CL 🙂
      I found you and read from the 1st CL day/post
      I sent email to you – and you answered the next day with sanity and mightiness.
      I still have your response tucked away in my Inbox.
      You asked me ‘is this acceptable to you’?
      I vehemently did not want to lose the life we had built – yet today I’m better than ever.
      I would rather be alone, than one of many (e plurbis unum) multiple ‘wives’ 🙂
      Your blog has superseded the (unnecessary) therapy.
      The problem did not lie with me.
      Who would have thought we would both be here 10 years later?
      My ‘relationship’ with CL is almost 50% as long as my marriage was!
      Thank you…

  • >