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Dating Profiles You Would Never Post

dating profileToday’s Friday Challenge comes from a CN request for snarky dating profiles.

Hell of a Chump writes:

I just thought of a Friday Challenge suggestion: chumps writing their own pithy, frank, possibly funny, maybe even balls-out flinty (but carefully anonymized) online dating profiles whether they date or app-date or not. ????

Or you can send in any actual dating profiles you found belonging to your cheater. Those are usually good for a chuckle. (ANONYMOUSLY, of course. Please don’t link to their actual profiles.)

Back in the bad ol’ days, I found one (while I was still married to the jerk) and was astounded to read that he enjoyed visiting the Neue Galerie. The man wouldn’t know an Otto Dix painting if it bit his left nipple.

That detail made its way into LACGAL. I think these people are just magpies, borrowing identities without any originality of their own. (Guess who loves the Neue Galerie? Me.)

Anywho. Happily married to Mr. CL for nearly 12 years now. So no dating profile for me, but if I found myself single I think my profile would go:

Medusa-headed Gorgon seeks cotillion date. Must look nice in a pressed shirt. No further commitment required.

Your turn. TGIF!


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  • Per Bill up there in the meme. (Or is that an actual profile?!) I love it he ends it: “I would date me.”

    Weird thing, weird thing, weird thing… “I would date me.” I enjoy Civil War battle fields, very sour pickles, and picking scabs. I would date me.

    • He’s getting in early with a vote of confidence. Like putting the first coins in your own tips jar. Just to get things rolling with the curvy, midnight-strolling, insect-lovin’ girls.

          • Dumberer, I am known for amazingly bad taste in dogs. My kids tease that I always find the dogs with “one eye, three legs and half a brain”. I haven’t had a dog for two years now. I want a healthy relationship there too.

            • When I was a kid we ended up with a three legged one eyed brain injured dog – he had been thrown out of a moving car and run over. He was an absolute darling. He had 6 and a bit years with us. Miss you Beau you were the Goodest Dog.
              My current dog is super intelligent and creatively naughty if you understand what I mean. She obeys but somehow always manages to do what she wants lol

            • Yeah, that’s me. Give me the dog with an underbite, or the noise sensitive dog who’s scared of boys and men (probably abused), or the senior dog, or the dog with heartworms (he’s cured now.) But they’ve been very good dogs.

  • I found my ex’s —

    Prompt: I and really good at….
    Response: … Being completely honest.


      • I found one of cheaters dating sites, (looking for a woman 10 years younger).
        Cheater claims to be “a man of integrity.” Enjoys leisurely walks on the beach (he hates walking in sand, being near sand, or being on the beach). He now enjoys going to concerts which was a surprise to me, we were married for 25 years. Not once in those 25 years did he mention he’d like to go to a concert . In 25 years we never went to a concert. If I mentioned going anywhere he’d complain about the traffic, the people, parking, driving. I was also surprised to find out he enjoys spur of the moment weekend getaways. He enjoys stopping along the way to check out small towns along the way, browse fruit stands, shops..
        In our 25 years together he refused to go anywhere last minute, everything needed to be planned months in advance. If we’d go on a short road trip he wouldn’t want to stop for anyone to use the restroom. :If I’d mention that I’d like to stop someplace… he’d speed past the exit.
        Cheater also posted a few photos of himself with his muscles flexed (pretending it was a natural stance) posed in front of his high school with the caption “Born in the USA.” he’d always rant on how much he hated Bruce Springsteen and that song. Apparently he’s a changed man. There’s other dumb photos with dumb captions that I can’t recall at the moment. He rambled on about himself not mentioning anything about what he looked for in a relationship. Is that even necessary??
        Was it me all theses years that stifled this free spirit? his romantic side?
        Interesting how he suddenly changed into a free spirit, spur of the moment fun guy, who enjoys concerts…Bruce Springsteen? lol.
        It just proves he’s an imposter/liar/phony/ Chameleon, entitled, self absorbed cheater.

        • omg. i so relate to this. my x never wanted to do/go anywhere. he was one of those cheaters that had to move me half way across the country. on the drive, we were going through AZ and we were 20 minutes from the Grand Canyon. I’ve never been there. he hadn’t either. Could we stop? Nope! Speed past the exit! Every weekend i’d want to go up to napa or sonoma. would he go? nope! he was “working” (aka pornhub). i saw his profile on tinder post D, oh the shit he said…i love to go to sonoma, i love to travel…. blah blah blah. whatever, he’s remarried now and that is the best possible situation for me!

        • Brit, It’s strange how they rearrange their wants , likes and needs. They are in so much denial and into what ever might be a fix of excitement. I used to listen to my ex as he relayed ideas that were totally opposite of what he had told me before and after a 20 year marriage. It became a free for all and his disrespect to me and his kids were lost to his weird oneness. He was the ultimate fakester.

        • LOL @ “man of integrity.” One of my ex friends from my marriage was this skank who cheated on her husband and had another man’s baby, let him raise it for a few years thinking it was his, and then ripped the kid away from the only father he’d ever known. I was completely disgusted by her and ranted to my husband at the time about how she was a piece of shit mother and it was bad enough she did that to her husband but it was full on child abuse to do that to her poor son. She unfriended me that very night. Weird, right? But my ex claimed she unfriended him too so she must have just been getting rid of everybody who knew what a disgusting whore bag child abuser she was.

          Fast forward to my divorce. They’re still friends, it was just hidden from me. My ex was one of many fucking her. My son asked me if that kid could be his brother. “Well, your dad did have a vasectomy so probably not but honestly? Who the hell knows.”

          All that to get to my point. Her Facebook page describes her as “fiercely loyal.” LMAO. Cheating on her husband with mine, smiling in my face pretending to be my friend, scamming her husband into raising another man’s baby, and abusing her child by lying to him about who his father is and then ripping that father away because she wants a new dick. That’s apparently being “fiercely loyal” to cheaters. They’re so fucking disgusting.

        • >Was it me all theses years that stifled this free spirit? his romantic side?

          This is rhetorical, right? By your own admission, the guy’s a liar, a chameleon, and self-absorbed. He sounds like a worthless person with nothing going for him.

          Everything in his profile’s a lie. He never had a free spirit or romantic side to begin with. He sucked with you and he’ll suck after you. You had no influence on his behavior. This is who he’s always been.

    • Lotus Dancer, the minute anyone starts talking about how honest they are I know they aren’t. It is kind of like how racists claim “I’m not a racist.” I think we don’t get to decide that, other people do. Every time I hear “Trust me.” I think NO.

        • I believe this completely. I have never told anyone I was faithful or loyal, that’s just something I took for granted because all my friends and family are. My FW ex when describing himself for the first time said his best quality was loyalty. He wasn’t to me which is why I’m on this blog. I did definitely point it out to him before I went no contact. He really should stop lying about his loyalty.

          • Most good souls have been burned enough not to put bulls eyes on their jugulars and Achilles heels by advertising themselves as softies.

      • My father did a lot of online dating before he died and he told me that in his experience the people who talk the most about honesty are usually the ones who lie about everything.

      • Also I’m a nice guy! If they really were they wouldn’t have to say it because others would.

      • The few times I had a dating profile I absolutely wrote that Honesty and Integrity were core values in my life. Couldn’t write an honest profile without that!
        So I wouldn’t be so quick to judge anyone who puts that in a profile!

    • I’m not sure how he works it into a conversation but my STBX goes around telling people he is a man of honesty and integrity with an IQ of 175. Good thing he doesn’t wear some kind of lie zapper – his heart couldn’t take it!

      • I was married to the same man. Presented himself as highly moralistic. He’d go into long rants about being a man of integrity. With fake modestly he never missed an opportunity to let everyone know how intelligent he is. He’s like a living encyclopedia, knows facts on different subjects. I think it was his way of feeling superior and making others feel less than.

        I wish there was a lie zapper, he’d explode in flames.

      • I sat next to my ex at a party one time where he was telling a friend how disgusting her ex husband had been for wanting to wife swap and for cheating on her, and how he believed in honesty and fidelity in marriage. He’d been fucking his (married when he met her) coworker behind my back for over two years at that point.

  • I don’t remember too much except he said “looking for my last love of my life”. And that the app matched us 3x… urgh…….????

      • My ex had literally plagiarized things from my dating profile to use on his own, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we got good compatibility scores. Should have read “Looking for someone exactly like 2nd Gen Chump, especially the people-pleasing praise-Monkey codependency, but isn’t aware I am selfish in every respect and a cheater.”

      • Schrodinger, it was just that pesky 3% of character deficit! I am glad you had laugh at his expense.

  • I’m like an onion, I’ve got layers. Looking for someone who has
    a) a functional moral compass
    b) been around the block a few times and has the wit and wisdom to show for it
    c) no sparkles at all, but a smiles that reaches their eyes
    d) kindness and humility

    Forked tongue a deal-breaker. Parfait need not apply.

  • I’m not looking but mine would read something like this:

    Sweet yet Extremely Sarcastic Brutally Blunt and Ball Busting Gal seeking sane and emotionally healthy mate. Jesus Cheaters and Narcs need not apply.

    This exercise reminded me of my real life “opener” after being chumped for the 3rd time and I did a life overhaul finally doing ALL of the hard work (not just 1/2 of it). It went like this:

    “I’m a chump! I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and through the ringer more than I would like to admit. I’m a good person with a good heart, morals values and good character but I’m very well known for being tough! Over the life lessons, I’ve exposed many assholes setting major boundaries with them and the community has rallied with me and my kids. My community knows all of these qualities about me because they see and experience the qualities I’ve instilled with my kids. If you don’t align with that then we don’t need to be associated with one another as friends or anything.”

    It was fierce but I didn’t give a shit and it 1,000% worked. I used it on my (now) fiancé 3 years ago on our first date. I remember the stunned look on his face….like he had been hit between the eyes with something and then he said “our mutual friends said you would be perfect for me and I can see this is already heading in the right direction.” He is a high profile leader in the community, is extremely popular, is a fellow chump, and our relationship is very healthy. Our friends encouraged both of us to try again and it’s been the healthiest relationship I think we’ve both ever had. It’s genuine!

  • I kid you not…… all his says is “I am newly divorced. Looking at what is out there.” That’s it.. except it was a lie.. didn’t mention he is 58

    • That’s somehow just awesome–that his dating profile only had one statement, and yet it STILL was a lie. I think that just says everything about cheaters.

    • “Looking at what is out there.”
      That statement alone screams PLAYER!

      Chumps: If you want a relationship, avoid anyone that puts this in their profile.

  • Im also very happily married to another chump, but I’m up to play any word game that doesn’t involve scoring and tracking points.

    “Boomer guy seeks gal friend for dining, travel, and commiserating about how our adult children haven’t given us any grandchildren yet. Partial to long drives with sea shanty soundtracks (EVERYBODY, sing along with the chorus!), early morning strolls on civil war battlefields (bonus points if fog is present), and garlicky pickles (Netflix and chill? More like Netflix and DILL!). Tendency toward feral man solitude (think slow Willie Nelson songs and heavily-footnoted historical biographies).
    I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but then not everyone’s a tea drinker, are they? #teamapplejuice. I have flannel shirts old enough to drive but need to buy a new Red Sox ball cap every Opening Day. Am open to your weird and secret joys (Peonies? Obscenity-laced needlepoint? Antique tractor restoration?) if they hurt no one and make you smile from ear-to-ear. Favorite movie: Oh Brother Where Art Thou. Favorite TV show: the old Bob Newhart Show (crushed on Emily as a kid and it never really went away). Favorite feldspar mineral: Labradorite! I am a member of the nerd tribe and gave up denying it a long time ago. Would I date me? Heck yeah! I feel bad for anyone who can’t say that. Go be awesome!”

      • I don’t know, but the FW XW was a big Civil War aficionado (also big on Lincoln, but then, who isn’t?). I would have gone to/done all things Civil War-related to make her happy. We actually did visit a Civil War battlefield and cemetery when on our last vacation together w/all the kids in Virginia, about three to four years before she decided to exit-affair me by fucking her boss and leaving me for him. Didn’t matter in the end. So it’s not just men.

    • I adored Suzanne Pleshette too. She was a talented, funny and beautiful woman.

      If you like old movies look for Along Came a Spider, and Forty Pounds of Trouble.

      • Years ago I was having lunch near Palm Springs and Susanne and Tom Poston walked in and ordered their food and sat and had lunch in Jack in the Box. Both were friendly to people who walked up and asked for their autographs. I heard her say about her and Tom’s relationship, and they said it wouldn’t last. Her voice is unforgettable.

    • In a sea of police women, wonder women, bionic women, and crime-solving angels, my crush was Rhoda Morganstern. Nomar, I think we’re two of a kind.

    • I grew up listening to my Mom singing sea shanty’s. She learned them from her Dad who was a merchant Marine.
      “What do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor.., what do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning…,”

      My personal favorite is The Scotsman”s Kilt.

    • Nomar,
      Would you and UXworld please get together and write my dating profile for me???
      I’d seriously consider reentering the dating world if you would
      ???????? ❤️

  • I’m in a nice relationship with a nice man who shares the load with me. But if I were writing a not-for-sending profile today:

    “50 year old, menopausal, tired divorced mom of a teen. Don’t have time to go out much and usually I’d rather fall asleep in front of Family Feud. Looking for a man who will do the laundry, clean my house, feed my teen, have dinner on the table without asking “what should we have for dinner?”, walk the dog, take out the trash, get groceries, do the Costco run, take care of bills and taxes, and makes enough that I can finally stop working. Romance a plus (but please only after I’m done watching “Fast Money” on the Feud)”

  • After the divorce, mostly no contact, but not still in MEH, I would put my old marriage detective skills to work to continue to prove to myself that Mr.Sparkles does indeed still suck (no surprise… he did, and I expect that he still does as he never got that therapy he promised.) Let me just say, it never took me more than one try and only about 15 minutes… my skills were honed.

    Anywho… here was the one I found in my divorce binder of “evidence” that he had on Ashley Madison while he was grooming a woman who became host to his parasite… they’re getting married soon. #facepalm

    My limits: Anything goes
    Status: Attached male seeking females

    Preferences and encounters I am open to: Open to anything from a long term discreet affair, or enjoying one another for a short time. I’m not looking to change mine or anyone else’s situation. I just want to feel alive and fill in what’s missing.

    What really turns me on: I’m looking for a woman who enjoys laughing, having fun. Someone who is missing flirting and long passionate kisses. Couples welcome.

    What I’m looking for: I enjoy the outdoors, long walks, the beach. I also enjoy a good movie or book as well as live music.

    *My additions would be: Able to maintain an erection with men and women, but unable to maintain a commitment to my spouse. I believe kids are resilient and I should know because I abandoned six of them. You’ll want to get an STD check regularly because condoms aren’t really my thing. I’ll pay for the hotel room with marital funds, so no worries there. But whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me (‘cuz you will ‘cuz I’m f’ing amazing)… I’ll only leave the current fiance for someone with more money and assets and maybe has one foot in the grave.

    TGIF Chump Nation – remember, not my monkey, not my circus. When I finally retired my marriage detective badge, I surrendered everything and final learned to sleep through the night peacefully again. #mehrocks

  • Obese middle aged man, seeks young thin woman with abnormally large breasts.
    Penis not a deal breaker.
    Live in parent’s basement, and emerge quarterly with a handful of sweaty cash to get me laid.
    Might need some blue pills.
    Tell me your weaknesses so I can exploit them.
    Also known to be a hobosexual.

  • Single 50 something looking for someone, anyone, to fix shit around the house. My car needs an oil change, and the front headlight is out.

    Short visits only. I don’t cook, and no, you’re not moving in.

    Must love cats.

    • Exactly KJ. That’s the start of my profile. Except I’d swap the cat reference for “in return for one day of handyman services I’ll do a roast beef dinner with homemade pan gravy or brief standard sex in the guest room – your choice. Just don’t call me afterward.”

    • LOL!!! That’s my soon to be ex! Just add – smokes pot daily or more if possible and enjoys prescription pain pills on occasion. Loves cats and kids from afar. My t-shirt says: Caution – Oppositional and a Flight Risk

  • “Introverted book lover seeks same. You stay home and read your book. I’ll do the same. We can text book reviews and recommendations. No eye contact or conversation. Coffee dates a possibility, bring your own book and quit eye balling me.”

    This exercise makes me realize I need more of what starts with T and ends with Y. I need more therapy. I just feel anxiety around men. I have zero interest in dating. Does anyone date? Looks to me like it is just a fuck for all out there.

    The Universe is laughing at me. The houses around mine are all owned by single men. The one to the North died a couple of weeks ago or I would be surrounded.

    • I think my past comprehensively shows I couldn’t pick a decent partner if my life depended on it. I can’t imagine anything worse than trying to deal with another demand on me at the moment. Doesn’t that sum up my past relationships lol.
      Sometimes I need another adult to drive kids / cook / whatever. But I manage.

      • My now ex read a hypothetical question to me once where I would be forced to live in isolation for a year in exchange for one million cash. He expected me to say, “oh no, I would never part with the glory that is you for any amount of money.” Instead I got excited and said, “OMG, I would get a Labrador puppy to train and a kindle full of books and nobody would hassle me or ask for a g-d thing. I’d exercise and eat right, sleep in…” and by the look on his face he was furious.

        I ended by asking whether I’d have to pay the million all at once or if they’d take installments?

      • Truer words were never written. To paraphrase another old maid: this chump needs a bicycle way more than she needs to catch another fish.

        I tell friends and family I won’t date because I wouldn’t want to put all of us through THAT again.

        • U2 song line
          “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle when you are trying to throw your arms around the world”

    • I’m in same place, 33…no interest, no desire. I was abused and raped in marriage. Had lots of therapy but partnering desire is GONE. it makes me sad nostalgic and I cry when I see older couples holding hands. But I can’t go there. Too much trauma and once you know cheater/liar/dipshit you can’t unsee it. I’m in my 60s and very active, friends think I should start looking and all I want to do is work on my house and yard, read, be alone. So much less painful than figuring out if someone is bullshitting you.

      • FWF,
        I’m sorry you endured this. Can relate. Recovery is slow . It angers me that rotten men ruin honest hearted women .

        • Thank you GNG. I appreciate the caring and I also get angry that so many of these absolutely rotten characters get away with so much.

    • My mother in law never seriously dated or remarried after her husband died. He was an abusive alcoholic; I think she just didn’t want to be bothered anymore.

      She was a very attractive woman and she had a few dates in the beginning; but she quit dating soon. She I believe was very happy, much happier than when he was alive. I don’t know if that lasted after her son blew both our lives apart.

      He had his fake life going with me and the community and his dirty life going in secret. She trusted him as I did. We both got screwed. I got away, she didn’t.

    • If I were a man (or you were one) I’d totally date you. Your “as” makes us a perfect match.

  • I’m 100% sure the EX is on dating sites, and probably was while we were still married, but I haven’t bothered to look for him. I bet he says a lot of stuff about Jesus though. He is a big ol’ Jesus cheater. I’m sure the rest of it is mostly MY interests, not his. I found that interesting in this article–that this is a common thing with cheaters. The EX has a list of his favorite books on his Facebook page… and every one of them is one of MY favorite books. The man never read a single line of any book in the whole 20+ years we were together. Even the kids have mentioned how their dad seemed to have no discernable interests or hobbies. He always claimed to love to travel… but never went anywhere, and always found excuses to avoid traveling. He claimed to like to play golf, but his golf bag sat unused in the closet year after year. He liked to watch TV, and as far as we could tell, that was his only hobby. I really think anything else was just too much work for him. He was one of the laziest people I ever met in my life.

    • Carol39: My ex also wrote on his Tinder profile that he liked to read, travel & had hobbies. Bahaha! He reels you in on that, pretends to do it for a year or two & then slowly & steadily works his way into hanging out in the garage all evenings & weekends. Can’t ski because of his bum knee, ya know. Can’t go to Costco because crowds are frustrating him. Can’t travel because blah blah blah. His AP is now finding out all of that right now (as did I) as did his previous ex. My ex wasn’t lazy, just a poser.

      • Yes, it is interesting how they are always more interesting in their own minds than they are in real life. The EX reeled me in with talk about his love of travel and his interest in reading. I married him way too quickly–too quickly to realize that it was all talk. He also talked about how his dream job would be to travel the world, doing a blog about all the interesting places and local food. I managed to get him to take ONE overseas trip with me–to my home country. He hated every second of it, and he ate McDonalds the whole time instead of eating the local food. I realize that not everyone is adventurous, but then, why claim that you are? Somehow in his head, he is a totally different person than he is in real life.

        • I can so Identify with this! I never got married as I felt marriage was a piece of legal paper that entangles everything. Would I get married now? Yes.

          Anyway I can very much relate to you Carol39. The shit that comes out of their mouth in the beginning of dating, needs to be cryogenically frozen and kept in a vault later, as you will need it for reference, piece the cheater puzzle together, and your sanity. Narcs – (thank God I was raised by two adult parent narcs and adult parent/children!) They power trip over securing a high quality beautiful woman that they can show offlike to fake fantasy and love bomb in the beginning. Hell they are starting all over from a fresh long term break up. They present to loooove EVERYTHING that you do, just so you fall for them. Lots of Future Faking. Make notes for the future so that when D-day comes, your head doesn’t spin off of your shoulders, the gaslighting doesn’t get believed as fast and explode from all of the gaslighting, projection, deflection, lies lies lies. Because I guarantee, Mr. Wonderful is about 18% as authentic, as all of the things he told you about himself in the first year. So by this time you have made 100″s of accepting forgiving adjustments to your fake partner, and doused all of the burning hot red flags. He is just getting comfortable with you, and his mask is slipping. He doesn’t have to try anymore. And this time, you will be stuck, working your ass off just to stay sane from all of the crazy thats about to come. Always remember, Cash talks, bullshit walks, keep tabs on his shady life so that it doesn’t hurt so bad, Better 2 years than 4,… or 30 years. Trust your instinct very very well. Take your time getting to know him. And never let him rush you. Because here’s the thing, as soon as shit hits the fan, the only person on hid mind wont be be you, Its him. Always going to be him. You will always be second to a Narc AKA Sociopath. And they will blame you for everything. Everything is your fault. His cheating is your fault. Run away. as soon as you can! Just trust yourself and Chump Nation. We have all livedhrough it.

      • “Can’t go to Costco because crowds are frustrating him”

        I want a cartoon of a TFC at Costco.

      • He could always become a metropolitan bus driver – it’s an interesting way to travel and meet people I hear!

    • My ex wasn’t lazy, and he loved his boating/camping.

      But he did not like to read. When he went through the police acadamy he read what he had to, but I created study sheets for him. He didn”t appear to be stupid, but he just didnt’ like to read.

      I love it, and was usually reading at night when at home. I remember once when he was headed out for some type of “meeting” he looked at me and said “you read to escape” he said it in a way that sounded like he resented it. I just looked at him confused, then he caught him self and said, “and there is nothing wrong with that”.

      If I had know what his meeting were really about, I could have said “yes I read and you fuck whores”.

      • You know, I had a sociopath fiancé, and have a somewhat narcissistic STBXH, both FWs, and both of them pretty clearly resented how much I enjoyed reading and the way I could get lost in a book. It’s strange.

        • I think it is competition for brain space. If you are concentrating on a book, it is attention away from them.
          My ex even hated it when I read the the children at bed time. 5 minutes but no interruptions. HATED IT

  • I tried dating after the divorce & putting a positive & honest spin on who I am & what I’m looking for. What I got in return were men who oversold themselves. They were dishonest or had no self-inventory. Men who downplayed their obvious anger at their ex-wives, weighed more/older/balder than their photos, and didn’t like actual walks on the beach or dancing. If y’all just like sitting at home watching tv, just say that! I stopped online dating because it was like having a 2nd job working in the produce section. If I’m meant to have another partner, we’ll find each other in one of my meetup hobby groups or through work or running into each other in the produce section at the market. But never again online dating!!

    • I agree. For me I knew early on that any relationship after my D had to be organic. Back then though online dating was in its infancy. My best friend who had d’d about three years before me used a Christian one and to be fair, she had a few dates and then did meet the love of her life. They are together decades later.

      But I couldn’t get past the concept. Also, I worked for DoD so single men were plentiful if one was interested.

      I turned down some who I wasn’t interested in, but changed jobs and H and I met. We dated for five years before marriage though, and since we had both been through it, ironing out what was expected in marriage was fairly easy.

      I can understand it though for those who especially don’t have lots of opportunities to meet others.

      I also knew that meeting someone is a bar was not going to happen. I conflated bars with desperation. Plus I am not much of a drinker. I know that is not how it is, especially now days; but I had to go with what felt right at the time.

      • I literally have no idea how to meet men. I work in an elementary school and go to church. Women are everywhere. I’d love help on that front!

    • My friends ia still with a guy she met four years ago on a dating site. He said that it was such a relief to finally meet someone who put up a picture of themselves that was not a throwback of their younger self or airbrushed to death. She was no spring chicken (though still pretty cute). The other thing that got him were similar interests, but it was her obvious honesty about what she looked like that initially hooked him after all the dissapointment of meeting potentials that didn’t look like their photo.

    • “I stopped online dating because it was like having a 2nd job working in the produce section.”
      So funny! I’m printing that out and keeping it!

    • I actually met Evil Fuckwit through online dating. I did everything right – started slowly, met in public places, and when things started looking more serious, ran a thorough background check on him. Too bad none of that protected me from the long term lies that started from the very beginning and the depths of his depravity. Although the divorce should be final within a few weeks, I have no desire to wade into that cesspool again.
      Funny – I know that ExH1 is very active on Match. A friend showed me his profile and it actually describes an interesting guy that might be fun to get to know. Too bad it doesn’t actually describe the abusive narcissistic hoarder that he really is.

      • I don’t get why they don’t have reviews on those sites, like Airbnb or Uber. I mean, everything under the sun is rated and reviewed. It would be soooo useful.

  • I never saw his dating profile or social apps, but what he had elsewhere was full of lies. During the years (I thought) I knew him, he claimed to others–on resumes and Linked-In — to have gotten an MBA from two different Ivy league schools (per the registrars, never registered or attended either one); claimed to be a veteran and joined a VA organization (never applied, enlisted or drafted); claimed to have won an international competition (not even a runner-up); claimed to have won it again (same); claimed to be a radiologist (the closest he came is having X-Rays); claimed to be an MD (not even pre-med). It’s fitting that he got caught and conned out of tens of thousands of dollars by a catfisher on a dating app. If he wrote an ad, it might be “Single man with money seeks hot babe to show people I still have what it takes to get a hot babe.”

  • What I could have written:
    Overly helpful and handsome. Ready and willing to take on you and all your unhappiness. Blind to red flags and fill my energy levels trying to make you happy. I believe in marriage to a fault. Willing to tell myself you really care.

    What I’d write now:
    Phoenix rising! Through the fire and better for it. Proud of my hard work and journey. Not willing to throw that all away. I’ve learned to refill my own energy and joy, but if you’re willing to add your own, we’ll have twice the happiness and change our world. No more time for Debbie-downers. I’d date me!

    • Tall One what you “could have written” is what I could write only would edit it to say Handsome to the visually impaired

      • Dr Chump, handsome is as handsome does. Also you never know what someone will find attractive. I thought Cheater X was Incredibly Handsome. His meat suit doesn’t match his heart.

      • I once went to a lecture given by a former trauma surgeon who had been horribly burned in a trauma himself. He was significantly (and permanently) disfigured but by the end of the lecture, I was intrigued by him – his decency came through in his words and demeanor.

        One day not long before cheater died, I remember thinking that if I ever again dated, I would prefer to be with a man like the recovering doctor than a person like my spouse with pretty outsides and ugly insides. I think there are other gals like me out there. I ended up falling in love with my next husbands essence before I saw him. I m not sure if he is handsome or not..I think he is because I love him.

        • Unicornomore, You make me think of one of my very favorite book excerpts, from The Eyes of the Amaryllis by Natalie Babbitt:

          Pretty’ doesn’t mean ‘good,’ you know, Geneva. Real life isn’t like fairy tales. ‘Pretty’ simply means that by accident you’ve got things arranged on your outside in an extra-pleasing manner. It doesn’t tell a thing about your inside.

          Looks mean zero to me when it comes to companionship, and the longer I live, the less a person’s physical attributes matter to me in any arena outside assisting them with something. As the other person analogized earlier, you get the meat suit you get in this life. And your body never stops changing. It’s fragile and it’s temporary. The heart matters most.

          (And as I often remind people on here, many of the things people say about how ugly or undesirable other people are apply to me, and I don’t think I’m either, nor do I think I don’t deserve to be respected, cared for, or loved because of them. The heart matters most, and many of us chumps have more of that than most people will ever understand.)

      • Let me try:

        F(53), love puttering around the house in my yoga pants and binge-watching Killing Eve, Arrested Development, and any movie or series that is set in post-apocalyptic times (just not the Rapture kind). I eat what I want, so I’ve gotten quite squishy, but I am strong like bull. I don’t like hiking, sand in my crack, or long bike rides, but I can be coaxed out for a sunset picnic, pirate cruise, or stroll on the boardwalk. My teenage kids are my life and they are better behaved than my 3 dogs, who act like a biker gang that has taken over my home. I rent, and my exes family stole
        all my money, so don’t hit me
        up for a loan. I travel to exotic places for work, like Liberia, East Timor, and Palestine, am great in a crisis, and (I am told) easy to be around. Unless you lie. Then I’ll ghost you and move on before you can tell the next one.
        Looking for a platonic friendship that may or may never result in a lifelong platonic friendship or romance. The “polyamorous” need not apply.

  • After going through a difficult break-up I impulsively purchased 7 kinds of snakes. I have made a huge mistake; I don’t even like snakes. I have an india rat snake, pied ball python and an albino corn snake. A ghost motley boa, too.

    They are all named ‘Robert’.

    Do not worry; I will soon surrender these reptiles to the SPCA for rehoming. Will throw in a PVC snake rack.

    I am looking for a mammal that doesn’t like snakes and is, also, not named ‘Robert’.

    • That’s amazing. You have to post that even if just as a social experiment. All named Robert? LOL, LOL, LOL

  • Here’s a fair account of where I am, which tells you why I am not looking:

    Tart-tongued harpy who doesn’t suffer fools lightly–or at all–and knows a fool when she sees one, including when looking in the mirror. Idolizes cats; too often has acted like a fawning retriever. Loves sex, but loses her bearings, so going solo for the time being. Interested? I didn’t think so.

  • My sister (now happily married for 10+ years) met her husband on eHarmony. He had dated and broken up with someone else, and eHarmony suggested “If you liked X, you might also like [IG’s sister]!”. He clicked on her profile (which was mostly ghost-written by her roommate) and they’ve never looked back.

    • I’m glad it worked out for your sister, but I can’t imagine ever wanting to subject myself to some algorithm of “if you liked X, you might also like Y” as if I were a book on the Amazon website.

      • Yep. He didn’t admit that this was how he’d stumbled across her profile until long after they were married.

  • I remember coming across my ex’s dating profile when I started dating after (obviously)our divorce was final. His profile pic was a photo that was at least 5 years old taken while we were in vacation. Our son was in the picture, and he (ex) had a slightly annoyed look on his face. I remember he described himself as having a “wry wit” which I guess is the best possible spin one could put on his sarcastic and condescending personality. In retrospect, I wonder if his 5-year-old profile photo is an indication of how long he had been on the dating site at the time of our divorce.

    • Did it hurt seeing your ex on a dating site? At this point I think it would kill me if I saw it. Sure she is on one. I guess that is a sign that I am not ready yet.

      • That stage doesn’t seem like it will ever pass. The pain is so acute. I genuinely thought I would die at certain points, But one day it’s all funny and then grossly pathetic. I took courage from an old friend who went through the same exact thing before me when she told me the story of finding her hooker-addicted ex (sorry, my chump experience is making me crude) “covered in cum with his credit card out watching cam girls on his laptop.” It took her forever to get the story out because she was gasping so hard with laughter she had to run to the bathroom to keep from peeing herself. I wasn’t in that place yet at the time (still not 100%) but it gave me hope I would be one day. But at first the whole thing kills us.

        Think of the study finding that POWs who engaged in gallows humor have much better survival rates. One day you’ll laugh. Then it will start to fade from memory as your attention is drawn into your fabulous new life.

        • I hope your right HOC but the infidelity ( or should I say finding out about it )comes at the end of four hellish years. I’ll bore you with the details
          At the end of 2017 I was diagnosed with cancer (aggressive B Cell lymphoma). For a while it didn’t look good. Had 6 months of chemo, worked when I was able but being a spine surgeon I physically and mentally wasn’t up to it do to the side affects of the chemo. Went back to work full time at end of April 2018. May 2018 my group suspended me but could not tell me why. In June they voted me out again without a reason but it has since come out they were unhappy that I was paid while I went through chemo. That was worse than getting cancer and told I may die. I start my own practice but have to temporarily close it to get hip resurfaced (side affect of cancer) Next my dad gets cancer and dies and then my buddy drops dead. Through all of this I kept telling FW how lucky I was to have her. That’s when she gaslights me and says she needs her space and then drops Divorce after I find love note. Totally blessed because we never fought and did everything together.
          Like a true Narcissist she says “I was wanting to leave for years but then you got sick and then they fired you. How would that make me look ” She denied anything physical but emails, FB and texts tell a different story with multiple men. Phone records show it goes back to 2015. She was cheating on me and then sleeping with me while I was going through chemo. She has a double life. 22 years together and I don’t know who she is.
          Worse were the guys she was with. Out of shape minimally employed guys who were married. Two cheated on her and abused her. I just don’t get it.

          • Your story doesn’t bore me it all. It triggers a million thoughts and makes me hate your ex all the more because she’s so familiar. It’s not just what she did to you but I suspect I know that type of woman. Shudder– lots of unfortunate brushes through work, lots of stories. And of course that’s the female version of what I experienced.

            I also wonder how many other people she hurt because you couldn’t perform surgery on them due to the fact that stress didn’t help your recovery nor help you get through the battle with crap colleagues? Sending healing thoughts for your continued recovery. Sending very ugly thoughts at those former colleagues. It’s just more proof that level of education doesn’t confer ethics or humanity just like Elie Wiesel concluded. I tend to think enablers and collaborators might deserve even worse fates than direct perpetrators but maybe it’s a tie.

            Your colleagues all sound like cheaters/abusers in their own rights or at least major enablers of victimization. Forgive me if I use the word “victim.” I think the term has been heavily spun to be a condemnation of those who encounter misfortune, but to me it’s just a neutral signifier for someone on the receiving end of perpetration, not a character analysis. Being a victim says nothing about the recipient otherwise and everything about the perpetrator. Anyway, I swear abusers and chronic flying monkeys can smell victims who might fight back (any victim of any offense) and they’ll knee-jerkedly pour more abuse on them.

            Call it the universal abuser Omerta. They stick together to silence the victim POV even when they don’t know or like each other. I learned this first hand. Not to bore either but I was stalked by a coworker when working in media right out of school and there was this very weird, Manchurian candidate thing that happened to about half my colleagues when I cooperated with the prosecution. All of a sudden several people began siding with the demented stalker, even those who hadn’t previously respected the guy. His lies weren’t credible but some chose to believe them anyway in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary. That’s all on them.

            Even in the midst of total chaos, I was curious about why this was happening and actually interrogated all the creepy bystanders individually about their childhoods. The bizarre thing is that they all barfed out their FOO issues as if in trances even though they had to know I wasn’t making warm and caring inquiries. It turned out that every negative bystander had grown up with domestic violence, family trauma and addiction, etc. There were a couple of borderline creeps in that office so their reactions weren’t that surprising but I was completely shocked that a close former friend and employee and another woman who was an avowed “feminist” (when it suited her) suddenly began leaning towards the bully cabal. It’s like they all went into an automatic boxer’s clinch with the perp. I guess the lesson they learned from childhood was that it’s safer to side with the most dangerous person (who could be anyone) in a standoff and it doesn’t pay to side with the victim (any victim). Fortunately the other half of the company were on my side (two who’d also had childhood traumas though *resolved* traumas). They formed a wall around me and probably saved my life. The prosecution won the case hands down but my career never recovered from the scandal. Many people don’t care who causes trouble, just that trouble seems to follow them.

            I’m sorry that something similar happened to you but sadly I’m not surprised. The twisted Manchurian Candidates are all around us like moles just waiting for a coded trigger to switch into their secret enabler shithead training. My fondest wish is to detect them before they strike but I don’t know if that’s ever fully possible. Abusers and enablers are like viruses and use all sorts of strategies to evade detection and deny to themselves what they are.

            I can name a few red flags. I wonder, did your ex also ruin special occasions almost ritually? Go into sulks on holidays, spoil birthdays, make your or anyone else’s misfortunes all about herself? I see she married the responsible, standup guy and secretly hankered after drunken knuckle-dragging creeps– the types that carry life-threatening cooties. Same here, just the female versions of it. Part of his inability to admit how blatantly creepy the AP was at first was that he had every reason to know he was putting my life at risk all along. Just ew. They seek their own destruction and compulsively draw others down with them.

            I think it’s abusers who “manifest disaster.” I’m sure this isn’t true of most chumps. I know some neoFreudians and RIC acolytes would have a victim-blaming field day with it, but I was a victim of another crime at the tail end of FW’s affair. It creates bookends since I met FW while in the middle of criminal proceedings against the stalker (he played hero. That was his “in”) and then was attacked again at the finish. I was assaulted a week and a half before D-Day and FW still continued texting and banging the AP throughout. You know how the thinking goes: I must have drawn abusers to me on my Voodoo victim tractor beams!

            But meh, I blame FW for that last one. I’m a wily city slicker and not easy to prey on– why I’ve always gotten away, even if by the skin of my teeth. But FW’s gaslighting and the chronic insomnia it caused wore me down so much that I didn’t trust my instincts at a key moment. I wandered into the wrong place at the wrong time despite a flicker of intuition. I ended up in ER with a twisted knee, bruises on my face and a shallow knife gouge in my back but didn’t report it to police that time because A) not only had I already been through the criminal process as a state witness, I was once a victims’ advocate and I know how the authorities can be about these kinds of things; B) I never saw the perp’s face, only his hairy hands and wedding ring; C) I thought one more drop of stress or jolt of cortisol and I was probably going to drop dead.

            I was just glad I didn’t end up getting raped so I wouldn’t have to be poked and prodded and tested for HIV and everything else. Or so I thought. I ended up poked and prodded after D-Day. As a friend put it, the real danger came from within.

            There’s only so much anyone can take. When the PI came back with the photos of FW’s car parked outside the APs pad only a few days after the attack, I felt my lifespan shorten. Even after hearing thousands of battering sagas, I couldn’t believe this kind of psychological cruelty was so common until I started hanging out with other chumps and hearing stories like yours. It was so shocking to think I’d lived with it for so long without realizing it. But I forgave myself for any denial or deferring the revelation because the revelation felt like it was causing irrevocable damage on some cellular level. I had this weird sensation of a tiny microchip (lol, not due to global tracking conspiracies) circulating in my blood stream and emitting a shock or burst of poison every time it passed through my heart. Who wouldn’t put that off for a bit if they could?

            I also had a brief cancer scare literally the week before FW launched the affair. Maybe it turned out alright but, statistically, abused women tend to have higher rates of breast cancer. I’m thinking of having mine preemptively retired and removed to be on the safe side. I breastfed for six years running and they’ve done their job well. I’m just afraid that I’ve been through too much stress to keep getting off Scot free.

            It’s certainly been proven that sustained stress and trauma can increase risk of cancer. You’re a doctor so maybe you’ve seen that researchers are still not clear on the link between cancer and STIs. It may not only be HIV and HPV that increase risk of certain cancers. Maybe abusers are so ready to blame their own victims because abusers sense on some gut level they’re responsible for more fallout and disaster than science even knows at the present time. And maybe abusers are all closet psycho killers who nurse murderous fantasies that manifest in oblique ways.

            Oops, more skein untangling but these are things I’ve always found interesting beyond my own experience. The kids are always asking questions about why this or that infamous whoever did x or y horrible thing (so many questions about Epstein island, eek) and how you can tell a good witch from a bad witch. I don’t have any concrete answers but the kids can talk about this stuff for hours. I think it runs in the blood. Two of my uncles were published academic organizational psychologists who would muse about these things at the dinner table. The kids are at least the third generation of “human nature skein untanglers.” I’ll have to warn them that musing too openly about human iniquity risks “mirroring” and fake agreement by narcs and psychopaths.

            Maybe the above could represent a sort of “Voodoo tractor beam” that attracts danger, but not because the victim sought punishment or harm but were just giving away their vulnerability. One of my uncles warned me from the time I was a kid that people without integrity often compulsively target people they perceive to have it because those without have a need to prove that their own lack of character was absolutely necessary for survival. It’s an ego defense. He was talking about business scenarios but this could obviously apply to everything else. If anyone thrives while having a little character, it’s taken as a standing accusation against cheats, liars, frauds, bullies, etc.

            • You are such a wise woman. Your insight and observations ring true. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. I pray your healing journey continues and I am grateful for your contributions to CL.

              Given that today is Easter I would like to add something positive to your Uncle’s spot on statement about People without integrity targeting people they perceive to have it. I my experience I have also found that people with integrity tend to gravitate to other people with integrity. They get you through the rough times and restore your belief that not all people are bad. Interestingly you come to find out some of them were chumps as well.

              Stay Mighty HOC

              • Stay mighty as well and thank you so much for the kind words and for sharing. Every time someone decent tells the bare-bones truth about their lives the world seems bigger to me somehow, also safer and warmer. It’s how we know humans are “out there.” Some stories might be dark but to paraphrase a wonderful political historian, the light comes from the courage it takes to tell them.

          • DrC, I don’t get it either. The lack of character and ethics is off the charts. I am so sorry. What a horrible human. I hope you heal, recover, and are able to move on and find happiness. Personally, I simply cannot risk the pain again.

            • Thank you it will be a long journey. Last Tuesday of all days she settled instead of giving her second deposition and divorce will be final May 10th which is also my birthday ugh! That’s probably why I have been commenting more than usual this weekend. I was torn because it is almost 10 months post DDay and I, like our friends, had no idea she was cheating for the last 7 years. To say I/we were blindsided is the understate the of the year. She hid it from everyone and denies everything. I wanted to know the details and expose her. See her FB and Instagram activity. I know that sounds childish but nobody believes she cheated because she is so “sweet and nice and a caring mom/nurse”.
              I will now just concentrate on our S15

              • DC–

                Maybe it’s controversial but I don’t scoff at fact-gathering. I don’t blame you for wanting to know the details. At the very least, it’s very de-mythologizing of affairs as I’ve said before. But it can also deter future fuckery. I don’t know if it’s worth the money and effort but a PI with good tech resources and a forensic accountant can probably dig a few things up from the past without crossing any legal lines.

                I’m sure you’re aware of the above but I bring it up because, personally speaking, I required getting a social green light from friends to hire a PI to start with. I guess I had some impression that hiring PIs was a bit creepy and sketchy or made me somehow the ogre I was being painted to be by FW. But the only people who think this are novices or sheltered fools. In the end my legal team appreciated having proof because it made their jobs easier and, surprise bonus, it was a cleaner and simpler matter to inform friends of what had happened. I think some friends initially hope chump suspicions are wrong because divorce is depressing and they just don’t want that for people they care about. On the flip side, Swiss friends would probably try to demonize chumps for doing such a thing but mostly nothing breaks through bystander shock faster than hard evidence. Most importantly, I wanted to suss out any risks the kids and I might be facing. Did the AP regularly visit gun ranges, have any bunny-boiler priors, DUIs, mental health blowups, etc? Was she going to burn the house down with the kids and I inside?

                I wasn’t just satisfying morbid curiosity or pain shopping in other words. The affair imploded on D-day but it case it re-stoked, a lawyer friend gave me a dire warning about cases she’d dealt with where wifestresses lobbied to get custody of the chumps’ kids to prevent the cheater/abuser from having to pay child support. What’s worse, if a child has a disability like my son did at that time (he’s significantly recovered since), wifestresses will sometimes fight for custody only to stick the disabled kid in an institution on a waiver to get out from under the costs and annoyance of dealing with a child with special needs. Special needs children are five times more likely to die in state care than at home and eight times more likely to be raped.

                My friend said the biggest mistake she saw chumps make was assuming their cheaters were “good parents” and would stop such things from happening. She said to prepare for the worst. That put the fear of God in me and the PI dug up enough dirt on the AP to at least give a bit of grounds to potential legal arguments barring her from any contact with my kids. Turns out I didn’t need the dirt for that purpose but I certainly breathed easier having it just in case. Plus the dirt was kind of funny and FW was likely much more cooperative out of embarrassment. No matter what it cost him, he didn’t want that shady barfly being subpoenaed and the stark facts ruled out his being able to sell her “good qualities” to our kids or anyone else. Finally I think the facts shook me out of my torpor enough to seek out advanced STI testing which can be difficult to track down and access.

                Maybe that’s the takeaway: facts break through the torpor and consequent serious risk of inaction which can be a particular problem for chumps who’ve been boiled like frogs for years as well as deluded bystanders. My lawyer friend likened the risk of learned helplessness in PTSD to dying of hypothermia. Lethal cold makes you sleepy and the danger is thinking to oneself, “What could it hurt to lie down in the snowbank for just a wee moment to rest…”

                Sorry that last dark date falls on your birthday. Nasty lawyers (and clients) seem to love to schedule depressing/traumatizing proceedings on special occasions to demoralize the opposition. It has to be deliberate. I had to battle with a terrible school district over unconstitutional denial of education for my middle child who had a chronic health condition. Those bastards retaliated every time by dropping outrageous counter-accusations/legal bombs (like the nutty charge that I committed a felony by videotaping a meeting with administrators when the school was openly audiotaping the meeting? Huh?) or scheduling horrible hearings on special occasions or my son’s birthday.

                That last blow– wrecking my son’s birthday– was so low that I hired attack dogs to get counter-accusations dropped, get the last scary hearing cancelled and took the kids to Disneyland for a birthday celebration instead. It was called for. Then I posted the happy vacation pix all over the community page. I hope you can pre-arrange time with supporters on that dark day and eek out a good birthday to engineer better memories of that day when you look back on it in the future. It’s also called for.

  • I was cleaning out the FW’s closet back in my delusional years of rampant mindfuckery. ( he was maybe 55 at the time, our 3 kids were late HS, early college years)
    Came across a medical questionnaire form from a urologist in random papers with interesting answers.
    He wrote “NO” to the married question and freq of sex was “ three times a day”.

    Mind you, the man acted as if he was highly engaged in most of our family activities, had a very high level corporate job, one that sex “ three times a day” would have been extremely challenging to manage around meetings every 30 minutes all day long.
    He also told me, without fail, for all of our 38 years married, that he loved me. Every single day he lied to me.

    Love, a word he has zero ability to define or fathom its meaning, I fully get now.
    His dick was less than rigid at that aging point in our lives ( prob from all the stress of waiting to be found out on all his cheating had something to do with it. Karma will come calling!) but we were still sexually active on a weekly basis and, I imagined to myself, even enjoyed one another. ( can I borrow a cup of spackle from you neighbor? My walls were crumbling like a month old cookie!)

    For ‘three times a day’, we’d have to go back to our 20’s to compete with those kind of numbers.
    He was getting a scrip for Cialis, which, of course, he let me know he never needed with me. ( tiniest fragment of a breadcrumb to his starving wife, I gobbled that shit up!)

    Being a Chump, I rationalize his lying on the medical form to his angst over his less ominous penis and thought he needed to prop himself up both literally and figuratively, maintaining his macho status in his head.
    Cheaters do not handle aging well I’ve observed, it puts them on the lower mountaintops, when they only want and believe they deserve, the Everest view.
    The ‘single’ lie, maybe attempting to make himself appear more viral, still out there on the prowl for sex, still desirable and dangerous to women? Never fully matured as a real man?
    Who the hell knows, I was deep in a 20 foot snow drift, just running out of spackle on the daily. ( can I borrow another cup please?!)

    I don’t believe I’m brave enough to trust again. I admire all you risk takers out there though, and success stories sure warm my heart.
    I just want to feel safe, that’s hard enough to find in life.

    • In cheaters computer (after he died) I found an assignment of is from an Anger Management program (why? did he get in trouble at work?

      In it there was one line that stuck out “I never loved my wife” (we were 18 years and 3 kids in by then).

      • Not saying these types are even capable of healthy love but they seem to all backfill the story of their marriages to bridge the cognitive dissonance between “I’m a good person” and “I cheat.” It’s sort of like how smokers can’t reconcile “smoking kills” with “I want to live.” The unconscious alters the cognition to either “smoking is healthy” or “I want to die.”

        • Most have NPD so it is never their fault and they are never wrong. They are perfect and story is always spun to make them look great always at Chumps expense.
          FW gave her deposition 2 weeks ago. I wasn’t there but my lawyers said they never had a witness like her and it was good I was getting out. They are seasoned divorce attorneys.
          FW was caught in lies multiple times and had an excuse for everything including sexting with multiple men and why it was secretive. I was told it was so bad FW’s lawyer laughed at some of her preposterous answers. FW smiled through all of it.
          Tuesday she was to give 2nd deposition where I would hear about what/who she was doing. I wanted her to confirm what I suspect and admit she had slept with all those men. Guess I was looking for closure.
          Deposition never happened because her lawyer settled. Guess her lawyer knew she couldn’t put FW on stand because then lawyer would have to recuse herself and risk not getting paid. While I got a great deal, no Closure.
          BTW by great deal I mean I just got less screwed over. FW cheats and walks away with half. Half of what a spine surgeon without costly hobbies saved over 20 years. Do the math

          • When all is said and done, when you get closer to “meh” and start trusting they suck, I find the thing about cheating that continues to burn is the embezzlement. It’s like the space monster blood from the Alien films that burns through five layers of steel spaceship hull. My kids got over the shock of FW’s cheating. They all think it’s disgusting but I don’t think it’s going to severely damage their ability to trust and form adult relationships. But they’ll never get over the money. They’ll never love and respect their father like they used to because he played poor and denied them essential things that were time dependent, including out-of-pocket medical treatments for my middle child, because he was blowing money and putting us in debt for a drunken affair.

            You can borrow closure from me if you want! I got more than I ever needed. I hired a PI on the advice of an attorney friend. Full color evidence. Then by some stroke of luck a few people from FW’s and the AP’s firm blew the whistle. One of them knew the AP from before middle school. Finally in a frantic attempt to delay my filing, FW took a lie detector test (failed) and did the “full disclosure” part of RIC therapy (otherwise a huge waste of time). The takeaway is that if it’s icky, weak, gross, shameful, preening, desperate, barfy, perverse, sad-sack, infantile, vain, dependent, compromising, risky, etc., they probably did it.

            It’s all about shame. Not “oh poor sad sausage burdened with unfair toxic shame” kind of shame but they-did-ickily-shameful-shit-and-deserve-shaming kind of shame. I think one of the reasons they lie about affairs is because a lot of what they did involved really goofily embarrassing adolescent fantasies of themselves and/or wormy, desperate bids for attention from people completely not worthy of getting attention from. They’re all basically syphilitic Don Quixotes with bacne and cellulite jousting at garbage cans to win the love of crumbling circus geeks and toothless grifters.The main lie is that any of it objectively proved them to be desirable or cool or sexy or worthy. Deep down they know better than anyone this isn’t true (they they had the affairs to begin with) so they mythologize. Sharing the details would allow others to shoot down the myths they spun to boost their pea-sized egos. I think a lot of cheaters’ abusive behavior and attempts to tear down the psyches and self-esteem of chumps before and after D-Day is to render chumps’ judgment inconsequential. If they allowed us to stand at full height our judgment of their conduct– if we really knew the full story– would feel life-threatening.

            There’s a point where you really see this clearly. But even then, the theft of funds till burns like hell.

          • Relieved for you re settlement , even though still giving away so much to the undeserving burns and also understand how the closure would have meant so much. Your decency always shines through in your posts DrChump, and don’t forget you also walk away with the ability to look at yourself in the mirror each day without flinching, which is no small thing.

  • Oh boy. Where to begin…the very first cheater who’s profile I found on a furry site called “Pounced?” The narcissist who said he “enjoyed drinking tea while in South America” except that “tea” was actually ayahuasca? The ex husband who got re-married three times…simultaneously because hey, polyamory is the new thing right? -_-

    Nah, I’ll just describe myself because why not?

    Name: K
    Age: You wouldn’t believe me if you saw me.
    Location: A mysterious bog haunted by faeries and probably a banshee somewhere.

    Nursing student returning to her goth phase (IT’S NOT A PHASE MOM!) seeks someone with *at least* two brain cells that still work (will assess your level of consciousness and glasgow scale to confirm.) Must be okay with a large number of houseplants and an equally large reptile hidden among them. Anime will be a regular tv staple, and sci-fi shows will likely need to meet the standard of quality of The Expanse. You don’t need to have tattoos but I’m going to have a lot of them, yes I am aware they are permanent, and when I am 80 I won’t care what they look like because I should hope you’re not expecting a beauty queen at that age. I will fart in front of you. If I do, that means you have been accepted. Cherish it. I spent a lot of time at the gym, you may come too, if you can keep up. As a matter of fact it would not only be nice if you DID keep up, but also not gripe about women who lift. I will beat you in video games, and afterwards will appreciate sharing a shot of whiskey or a good craft beer.

    If this seems like too much for you, honestly I do not care. What you see is what you get and I have experienced far too much bullshit to waste time with any more people who cannot appreciate me as I am. If it bothers you, I’m sure there are plenty of bleach blondes who won’t challenge your opinions on Ashley Madison.

  • Hmm, if my XH had a dating profile and was actually capable of honesty it might look like this:

    Married gigolo seeks new clients, all genders and relationship statuses welcome. Can do short-term hookups or long-term relationships. You pay for the hotel room, I spend more time getting ready for the date than you do. If looking to replace my wife must be college-educated with a steady income, preferably white, so my parents will approve of you.

    If female, must be curvy and thicc, because as a 6’1″ 140 lb. man I’m totally in a position to call someone else “skinny”.

    Model gorgeous on the outside. Heaven knows what lies within.

    Will you buy me a flatscreen TV? You know my 2″ dick is worth it.

  • Girl Scout nickname: Beanpole

    Actual Girl Scout, now pushing 50, seeking Girl Scout leader type for camping, orienteering, and bitch-cookie sales. On my honor, I will try to remember all the old trail songs as we enjoy some s’mores and a well-built fire. “And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall, I jump right in between the sheets with nothing on at all!” U-Haul drivers need not apply. 😉

  • I haven’t been on the dating sites for over a year. I always hated the selfies in the bathroom mirror photos, the shirtless photos and the pictures with the dead dear.
    In my profile I tried to be honest and use current pictures I thought were flattering and showed the real me. No cleavage photos or “come hither” photos posted ever
    I did include 2 lines in my bio:

    I will not respond if you don’t include any photos (this screams Im a scammer or I’m married)

    Do not ask me sexually related questions. You don’t know me and they are not appropriate

    • Here’s what’s common on the female side (my experience only) – apparently a female dating profile MUST include:
      – a picture of you steering a large boat
      – an explicitly stated desire for a ‘partner in crime’ (as if suitable companionship is the only thing keeping you from a life of petty thefts and other misdemeanors)
      – photos of you NOT wearing sunglasses is apparently frowned upon

      • UXworld, the steering a large boat thing must be something happening to you mainly (although I do see a lot ON boats), but the other two you listed are dead on! I’m so sick of seeing “seeking a partner in crime.” It feels like all these women must have a friend w/no good experience in dating, online or otherwise looking over their shoulders and telling them, “put that in! Guys love it!”???? It nearly always makes me think, “Next!”

        And the sunglasses! Why the hell don’t you want me to see your eyes? I don’t get it. I can’t imagine that so many women have bad looking eyes that they feel the need to hide them. Maybe they think they’re being mysterious? It just makes me think you’re hiding something. And that thought is not an attractive one to this chump. Been there, suffered that.

        I say all this having gone on only one lunch-date in the five years since D-day that occurred through online dating (I work too damn much to realistically meet women outside of online dating). It was nearer the start of Covid, and she was a woman who just had a baby, was dumped by her boyfriend/father of her child, and was looking for me to be the immediate backup daddy, despite me telling her that I was taking things EXTREMELY slow. The lunch date ended up being me explaining to her that I was not about to fulfill that role for her, as nicely as possible.

        I have high standards. Always have, but even more so after FW XW. She fooled me, and I don’t feel like getting burnt again. I do tell people in my profile I’m pretty honest (nobody’s totally honest, not even w/themselves IMO), and loyal AF. Which is true, if I care for you. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect, or even close. If that makes me suspect or stupid, so be it. I’m probably more honest in describing myself and my life than is good for me in attracting a woman. I’m afraid that’s the way I am. I tend towards being open and upfront, and generally prefer the same in women.

        If something happens w/a woman in the future, great! If something doesn’t happen w/a woman in the future, well, at least I tried a little. I firmly subscribe to the idea that I am so much happier in my life without the FW XW. I also firmly believe that my best life would be with a woman who could love me as much as I could love her. I don’t know if that’s possible anymore at my stage of life (working too much, more bald than 10 years ago, not as slim as I’d be if I wasn’t working so much and could get better exercise), but I know I have worth.

        If I never have another romantic relationship w/a female, I may not have what I consider to be a best life, but I will still have a good life. And that’s enough. Best wishes to you, UXworld, in your search for a quality relationship, and to all the other chumps out in CN seeking the same.

    • “Selfies in the bathroom mirror photos, the shirtless photos and the pictures with the dead deer” … yes! ugh! and the laying-in-bed selfie, as in “you need to picture me in bed immediately” (puke emoji). Where I am, it’s proud pix of themselves on a boat with a big dead fish.

  • A few years post-divorce I started online dating. I lived in the mountains and was surrounded by countless wonderful places to hike. Hiking was my passion so of course, included that on my profile. Every single man who responded talked about their love of hiking but strangely could never tell me their favorite trails. It became a standing joke among my girlfriends – that all these outdoor guys had no idea where they “hiked”.

    Exasperated, I edited my profile stating that I really was a hiker and that I’d like to meet a man who was really a hiker too. First man to respond was seasoned hiker about a million times more experienced than me. A generous trail buddy who helped my over rough switchbacks and who could reverently identify every creature and plant.

    I did the only think I could. I married that sweet and strong hiker.

  • “Perpetually tired mom seeks someone who likes to clean, cook, and organize, because I sure don’t. If you enjoy weeding, shoveling dirt, building and fixing things that’s a bonus. Must like kids and not be a narcissistic, entitled jerk.”

    Yeah, I don’t think I’m ready to start dating…

    • Maybe not, but you’re refreshingly honest and as the mom of elementary school-aged kiddos I feel this on my bones.

  • “Crabby misanthrope of a certain age looking for a handy guy who likes to fix things just to make me smile. We could also play sexy chauffer, meaning if you drive me places I’ll tell you you’re sexy.
    What I bring to the table; plenty of snarky comments. With enough TLC I might be persuaded to hold hands. Plus I bake. Like pie?”

    • Oh Wow!!! This made me laugh so hard I started crying. I absolutely LOVE this…and I might use it in parts if I ever get back online again. Big IF there…

      I don’t even feel like dating. I just want a bestie to do things with. No strings attached. Go have sex with someone else, fine with me! Sorry guys over 50, I love men, but sex is better with myself at this stage. Plus I don’t have to worry about picking up some STD-I know where I’ve been! I’m lucky my long term cheating fuckwit never gave me anything. Wait, he gave me a wicked case of TRUST ISSUES!!! Can’t forget about that…

  • For my x’s profile:

    Trucking’ for Jesus! Long haul truck driver, newly ordained seeks low hanging fruit to swing off my vine.

    Interests include: whatever you are currently into, church politics, the time I was in a high school musical, why I didn’t make the fire department and my pecker.

    Must be dim-witted and trusting. Able to withstand hours of me talking about my favourite subject, me. If you’ve recently come into some cash, I can see us having a committed, long term relationship.

    No drama.
    Send pictures from the feet up. And credit score.

    • “the time I was in a high school musical, why I didn’t make the fire department and my pecker.”

      • So funny and so relatable. Wouldn’t you like to hear more about me? Did I mention I ran cross country in high school?

    • Lucky! This is too good. You are far too clever for your ex and sound waaaay out of his league. So glad you’re free!

  • Here’s a few promising ones:

    “Young entrepreneur in hospitality industry seeking young female to meet my mother.

    Enjoys long showers and occasional cross-dressing.”

    “Single female seeking married man for one night stand. No strings attached!

    Turn on: successful career and seemingly happy family life.
    Turn off: will not be ignored! “

    “Young 25 ft male with winning smile seeks young male/female for ocean swim and eating out.

    Law enforcement officers, marine biologists and grizzly seamen abstain.”

    Those all look so good, maybe I am ready to date again?

  • 30-something male
    [insert personality and hobbies here]
    Looking for a beard who will help me seem like a decent guy
    I love bomb into commitment (by you)
    Prefer females also seeking validation through others
    Not deterred if I have to pay for it

  • The profile that attracted me was the guy with no bio, that lived reasonably close, didn’t get filtered out by political views (thank you Bumble), and had a nice, normal profile pic (no fish, trucks, mountains, cut-off women).

    Chatting went well. 18 months later it’s still going strong.

  • Actual tinder post from ex-husband:

    I’ve got money, muscles and plenty of banter and a lot of love to give that special lady.

    The woman he had the third affair with showed it to me when we found out about each other. All hopium was replaced by disgust at that moment.

  • This is great timing today thank you CL and CN. Reading about those of you living their best lives, dating or not has made me realise a few valuable things, what someone ready to date successfully looks like, what to avoid and most usefully that I would NOT date me right now, so I’m off to do some work in order to excavate my best life. I will keep asking myself periodically, would I date me? And when I can honestly answer yes, I’ll know I’m ready.

    • Stag, I think this highlights a major difference between cheaters and chumps. What a stark, tangible contrast.

      • Yes B&R and I will toot the chump horn and say one of our best features is lashings of introspection as well as general willingness to do hard things. May we all reap the rewards of our labour.

    • Stag, I just asked me if I would date me and the answer was a resounding “NO!” so I’m joining you in the work that it takes to be a person that I’d like to date.

      • *Scoots over and pats bench for 33* welcome, grateful for the company, and please report back on progress/random badassery (doesn’t have to be at all dramatic) regularly. Let’s do this!

  • Mother of five.
    Yes, all from the one marriage.
    Employed full time, in nursing school full time, and parenting full time.
    Have no time to “date” really, so if you’re looking for someone to watch an hour of tv with at 11 pm every night (you in your house, me in mine, sorry if I pass out mid-show) or hang out at my house while I do 12 hours of laundry every weekend, and meal prep for the week ahead, then this is the relationship for you. Fun times include grocery shopping, watching me study, and waiting for children in any number of activities.
    Perks will include my making sure you have an adequate supply of lightbulbs and toilet paper, as well baking and cooking, because that’s how I show my love, through feeding and household supplies.
    Must be content with and able to ignore/live with incessant yelling, squabbling, and “Mom”, every 5 minutes, no matter what.

  • Thanks CN and CL for doing this challenge! I had to read everyone else’s first. Mine is probably too serious and I’d never be this blunt for fear of being mirrored but here goes.

    40-something mom of three seeks same age guy to whom something happened that made him wise, funny, experienced, knowledge-seeking unflappable and patient but not demented, fucked up, misogynistic and periodically dissociative.

    I love earnest, sentimental nerds with good hygeine and surprising spine. I like men who know how to order food but are awkward ordering drinks and have no idea how much vermouth goes in a martini..

    My ideal types are Domhnall Gleeson in About Time or Tony Shalhoub in anything, including Monk. A little neurosis doesn’t bother me but not if it makes you nasty. If you brood it had better be over the trafficking victims you’re rescuing in Indonesia, not about your mother or unaddressed childhood trauma. Oterwise creepy, intimidating brooding is my bane. Adults take responsibility for their effect on others.

    My kids will always be more important than anyone else and if they don’t like someone, that person is toast. Not that you’re going to meet them for a long time because I’ll be sussing out if your a creep, liar, fraud or pervert first. The way I’ll know this is that, like my grandmother always did, I will suddenly begin speaking at length about an odd subject that makes you visibly uncomfortable and won’t know why I’m doing it until later when I realize my intuition took over my brain. You will have no secrets. I will dream them.

    I’m probably taller than you and will have a friend call me away on a sudden crisis if you comment about it because I love being tall but won’t notice how short you are until you neg me. That same friend will call if you say the wrong thing about divorce or make icky sexual remarks or gestures. Everyone is friendzoned until further notice but I’m a great, fun friend so it should be an honor.

    I jave a mutable personality but solid character. I come off like a bit of a Southern Belle or hothouse flower and crude behavior deeply unsettles me and gives me the vapors. If you don’t make a sport of it and don’t prod me you’ll probably never find out I’m a quarter pre-gentrification working class Lower East Side with a mouth like a gorgon unless anyone goes after my kids. If this side of me shocks you, I have no use for you. Seasoned people have facets but only show their bad sides when truly warranted. I expect the same in others. I want neither bullies nor sheltered pushovers in my lifeboat.

    I usually talk about really serious things as an almost compulsive way to check compatibility on important issues but once that’s out of the way, it’s all laughs. Deep down, I’m about 12. Charlie the Unicorn on Youtube. Eddie Izzard. Will Farrell’s cat impression. Again, until anything serious happens and I become a 3000 year old dragon.

    I don’t mind biting humor aimed at power but hate mean humor aimed at helpless targets. That friend is on standby with the crisis call.

    I look like Nicole Kidman circa Hemingway and Gelhorn but I’m not impressed with rugged drunken cheaters and won’t be mentored. And I only look like that fully clothed, btw, and not in a bathing suit. I will never have a great ass and my knees and feet are covered with scars from sports injuries. Problem with it? Feck off. I’m probably ugly when I laugh.

    I like hapless intellectuals who pursue subjects passionately but don’t flaunt accademic brands. Or any brand. If you have to dress a certain way for work or drive a certain car, I relate. But otherwise I deeply don’t care. If it takes 7 years to find out your best friend is a Nobel Laureate, I’ll be impressed it wasn’t the first thing out of your mouth.

    I love music but not all music. I can’t stand house music, canned pop or original Beatles but don’t mind some Beatles covers. I found John, Ringo and Paul scary since I was a kid and saw that bearded 70s poster wearing no drawers.

    I’m a raving feminist but appreciate gallantry and am the mother of two strapping, testosterone-laden boys who lean feminist and help mom so, no, being feminist is not about “hating men.” If you’re disappointed and have dumb stereotypes about feminists my friend is, again, on standby. It’s like expecting a person of color not to be into civil rights– just weird.

    I like dancing and cats and other people’s dogs as long as they don’t wake me up barking.

    • That is Great!
      It is an instruction Manuel of how to be treated and cared for. That should be handed out before the first date.
      The Big Night!

      • Not my first choice but I’ve spent my life in penance for passing notes in high school history class by turning myself into a buff. And it’s all about reciprocation. I’ll merrily trudge around historic battlefields (anywhere in the world) if they’ll A) cheerfully stop at any roadside thingy I want to stop at along the way; B) go with me to see, say, glass blowing and lace-making in Venice without glowering.

    • You are who I aspire to be when I grow up hellova! Many similar sentiments, not half as ballsy as you yet, but same, all laughs except the important stuff, or if you decide to be a fuckwit. Saving for inspo.

  • I met my current partner through a dating service/professional matchmaker. There were no photos allowed. I talked about how I love a good road side attraction, I love minimizing my home, I love to cook but mostly I love it when someone else does. I love to travel and I want peace.

    The man I met said something similarly mundane and Bingo! A match made in heaven- two drama free normal people who just like to hang out and feel connected to each other.
    Living cheater free is bliss!

  • Seeking an unmarried, semi-retired man who has a healthy relationship with his family, a history of volunteer service, more books than shoes, can gently put a cat in a carrier, drives defensively and votes the same way I do. I don’t care how you load a dishwasher as long as it doesn’t break and you unload it the next day. I want to see your college transcript or your 4th grade report card. Oh, and show me the tree you planted.

  • After my ex left me, my friends nagged me into trying online dating. Don’t laugh but it genuinely was called Swissfriends – because I was working in Switzerland. I looked at some of the drivel written in the profiles and just knew it wasn’t for me. I didn’t add a picture because (a) I take a lousy one and (b) I recognized some of my colleagues on there. So here goes for what I actually wrote: Fat, 50 and menopausal. Couldn’t give a shit how much you make or what you drive because I have my own white picket fence, thank you very much. Am definitely not “romantic, sensual and loving long walks on the beach” because SERIOUSLY???? And if you REALLY want to know what I like in bed it’s complete control of the TV remote and a cheese sandwich! I tell ya, I got SO MANY replies from men saying “thank god for that”. I met up with a few (just one weirdo and one I couldn’t understand in any language) but the others were generally nice and good company. One I dated was a seriously loaded Spaniard (had a penthouse overlooking Lake Geneva – top lawyer) and the only other one I dated was 14 years younger and wanted me to move to Berne where he would look after me financially. Well that wasn’t going to happen as I wasn’t giving up my indepenence for anyone, but we remain friends to this day. But the absolute BEST date I got out of the whole experience was with an Irish lady who popped “over to the other side” to see what the female competition was like and loved my profile. We went out for pizza together one night and had the most uproarious evening comparing notes on our ex-husbands. Shame she retired back to Ireland shortly thereafter! After that I just couldn’t be bothered but it was fun while it lasted!

  • I’ve not had much luck with online dating. It’s funny to look and swipe left, left, left. The profile I’d love to write is: Homebody who is seeking a non-alcoholic man who offers to fix stuff. You must be clean, honest, and funny as hell. I’m fluent in sarcasm and I love to read. I don’t want to bike, bike, do yoga or watch you do any of the above. Shirtless bathroom selfies, fish pics, and golf/biking photos ????.

    My x had all kinds of dating profiles on adult friend finder, seeking, sugar baby. He claimed to have a “few extra pounds,” made note of his medical degree, and put his income. On half he admitted he was married but looking (now that’s a winner right there, girls.) The other half he claimed to be divorced. On any sites that asked about kids, he declined to answer. He wanted a discrete, FWB who he could enjoy a “mutual give and take.” He also stated he’d “worked hard and wanted to spend all of the fruits of his labor enjoying” the lucky one who’d answer his siren call. At least he was honest about being short. He didn’t mention balding or his issues with, um, ED.

    I’m convinced most single men in their 50s want a younger woman, carry a ton of bitterness towards their ex-wife, and all imagine they look like Daniel Craig.

    For now, I’m happy with my dog.

    • I wouldn’t date an older guy who demands younger women. I might even like one or two but only if they wouldn’t date me so that’s a wash. I’d go seven years down because the global average is that women live seven to eight years longer than men and I hate the idea of being widowed for twenty years. But same-age is ideal.

      • Same age is great because both were exposed to same events and shows. FW was same age so we shared common childhood memories, not the same morals????.
        I don’t think I can be with someone who is much younger because then I will have to explain all my stupid references and jokes. As I tell my son “it’s not funny if you have to explain it”

        • There was a very funny Twitter thread that went viral on the subject of age-gapping.

          I think the guy was warning from the perspective of middle aged people who voluntarily dump their marriages thinking they can relive their youth. But I took it as more apocalyptic than that because something is happening in the realm of sexuality, relationships and basic mental health that has never happened before.

          Younger millennials are reportedly the most depressed and unhealthy generation in history with more mental health issues than ever before. I don’t know if it’s the economy, pollution, medicating children since toddlerhood or porn becoming the biggest media monster in the world and influencing all other media but it’s getting creepy “out there.” 15 year old girls wearing colostomy bags because they were pressured into anal sex at 14? 5 to 15% of university students at top schools prostituting themselves to pay for school and rent? Two million videos taken down from streaming porn sites because they likely featured children or actual rape or both? Esther Perel is a rather quaint symptom of all of it.

          Chumps are unwillingly thrust into a dating world where a lot of people– including same-age people– are wallowing in the above and then we have to fear that our kids are going to have to navigate the epic fuckedupedness of it all. I’m genuinely scared of and for people who’ve been watching violent porn online since age 11– even the women. There’s a cultiness to the “sex pozzy” (“sex positive”) drivel used to justify it all and a tendency to throw good money after bad in defense of choices influenced by media.

          Remember the cheesy old film Children of the Corn? Now we have Children of the Porn. Someone should seriously do a spoof.

          • I agree. I put a significant amount of blame on social media. Too many people living virtual. Many of these people are trying to out do each other on these social media sites. This leads to a blurring of the lines causing many detrimental behaviors get marginalized. FW got on FB and then Instagram and it was off to the races trying to get attention. Flirting, then sexting and next multiple affairs. She is a 55 year old with a 15 year old son. The amount of time people waste on social media is ridiculous. If people took that time and put it to something constructive like reading, learning a language or instrument their lives would be so much better.

            • Social media can be used to anonymously for connection and consensus but it’s mostly just a PR medium. This can be a trap for those with weak character or people with severe self esteem issues because it accentuates a kind of horrible social stock market where humans have no inherent value beyond whatever power displays or materialistic displays they put on. I recognized the psychological danger for kids and mine weren’t allowed to use it until they fully understood the pitfalls. But it always surprised me that adults would get depressed from using it. Do they really believe the shiny facades and filtered feed? Why don’t they understand that, even beyond narcissists trying to court envy and soak up attention, even harmless people dress up their lives as a defense in order not to show their chinks and flaws to a dangerous world?

  • 55 year-old handsome male looking for 25 year-old (or younger) woman, preferably a model. I don’t cook or clean, but I’m verrrrry rich. I learned how to make money from my dad. It was easy, he made a lot of money, so I did what he did and I made a lot of money. All you really have to do is make people feel ashamed for having money, and they give you their money! It’s so easy I can’t believe no one else does it. But there you go. That’s what they do. They give you their money. Want to be wined and dined? I’m here for you, babe! What you can do for me is just give me a little support, you know? I need you to SUPPORT ME. Make me feel good about myself! If I yell at a waitress, I need UNDERSTANDING. I need you to know why she needed a lesson and didn’t deserve a tip! I need understanding when I get angry. I don’t need some whiny girl who’s gonna get scared if I act like I’m gonna punch her in the gut, or if that vein in my necks starts popping out and my face gets red. That’s just me. It doesn’t mean anything. I need you to GET ME. Just work with me. When that happens, all you have to do is go along and you won’t get hurt. I run three businesses and I own a house on the harbor. And that speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Yeah, it does. I know what I’m doin’. You won’t regret being with me. We’ll do fun things. We’ll go to every play in town. We’ll see every movie. We’ll go to every sporting event. We’ll have people over. You can make some fancy appetizers or something. I’ll read the paper every morning and we’ll read every book on the New York Times list, so we can impress people when they try to upstage us. Everyone is gonna know us! I’ll get you a Mercedes, and I want you to wear the best clothes. Wear your hair down. Best to call me and ask me if you want to buy something, especially if it’s over $50, but of course I want us to look good. I like to keep in touch. So keep your phone in your hand; don’t put it in your purse! How will you answer it if it’s in your purse??? Do you play a musical instrument? That would be a plus, so we can give concerts at the house. I’ll keep you busy, honey. So busy buying things, with money coming out your ears, that you won’t ever need to work another day in your life. You’ll be too busy with me, anyway. ABSOLUTELY. NO. KIDS. No kids at all. And no pets either. Let’s get married right away. I’m gonna want you all to myself and we’ll be together all the time! It’ll be great. You’re gonna just love it! You’re gonna just love me! Hell, I’d love me if I were you. Well, I guess I love me, just being me. All the girls love me. I’m a regular Casanova. Everybody knows that. We can eat out every day. You can eat those gourmet salads – you know the ones? so you can keep your figure. I want a girl with a really good figure. Probably no entrees, you know? They’re full of cream and I don’t know, maybe no alcohol. I don’t want anyone that drinks. If you drink, don’t contact me. Drinking just puts the pounds on. If you’re really small you won’t be able to handle it. But believe me, we’ll have fun, it’s gonna be great. It’s gonna be awesome. You’ll love being with me. If you’re beautiful and you like to go out, MSG me your number.

    • What a treat, you get to be with me ALL the time, everyday, all the time.., wow!
      It will be so much fun, just make sure you agree with everything I do and say…

      Ex liked to eat at restaurants everyday, he’d place his order then carefully listen as I ordered my food.
      As soon as the waitress wasn’t in earshot, the critique would begin, Brit, you ordered a salad, but do you know how many calories are in honey mustard dressing? (on the side so I wouldn’t use much)
      Uh, Brit, you know you could order oil and vinegar for your salad instead of honey mustard.

      If I ordered fries with my entree, Fries? fries Brit?? “you know you could have ordered a side salad…, with oil and vinegar dressing, that’s what I ordered”.

      • I know; I know! Thank you for commenting. Sometimes I cringe after I write something and this one was WAY out there. But to be able to just not be monitored! Or tethered to a cell phone! What a wonder! My ex left me. Because HE was cheating! (I didn’t know it.) Obviously this is an extreme caricature, but his watching my weight made me overweight, I think. When we divorced I ate what I wanted AND lost the extra pounds right away. (Hard to understand, but it’s many years later and they haven’t come back.)

        • Perpetual fear, despair and stress= chronic high cortisol and eventual adrenal failure. Getting a creepectomy was clearly the cure.

      • Haha! That’s funny! (Sooo funny!) No. He was in real estate.

        I think I’m addicted to reading this blog because I don’t want to get trapped like that again.#traumabonds

        I was scared of him. And so confused by his presence. Oh he was fun! He was handsome! He was charming! But I didn’t have a moment. Ever. He would call me ten times if I went to the grocery store. And I couldn’t make friends. They’d talk. There wasn’t time, anyway.

        He went on a trip. Came back. Told me it was over. Asked me for the comedy tickets. (“He said, I’ll trade you for the Riverdance tickets, okay?”) I said, “Do you have someone in mind to take to the comedy show?” He said, “Yes! And she’s awesome! You’d just LOVE her! She and I connect on about twelve different levels.”

        (He counted them? Hmmmm… let me see…)

        1. Hand to hand, 2. Hand to face, 3. Lips to face, 4. Lips to lips, 5. Face to face… 6. Hand to hip. 7. Et cetera.

        Oh, you meant PSYCHIC levels!
        CHAKRAS! Okay…

        But how to leave… love/ sex/ fear/ history together/ oxytocin?

        “Just get your ducks in a row. Find a lawyer. Get tested for STDs. Start making plans. Choose your moment. Then do it. Cry later.”

        I could not. (I did not.) Twelve years and I could not (did not) leave him.

        And the next day, when he left, I grieved. I walked around my house, and around my house again, and on the pathway outside of my house, and around the harbor, and through the downtown… simply stunned. I went for a drive and saw a nursery and used our credit card to buy hundreds of dollars of beautiful pots and more hundreds of dollars of beautiful flowers and it was hundreds of dollars to get the guy to plant them into the pots, and I went home (made a few trips) and put them on every step up to the front door, on the back patio, and everywhere they could go. My house was an instant bloomery. Black pots and light blue pansies.

        And then.

        I got online and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be sent to me. (Haha! And they appeared on my doorstep the next Wednesday! A dozen white roses. Why? I don’t know.)

        I decided that since I didn’t know what to do, I would copy him. He wasn’t around to plan my day? I would plan my day. So I got out the paper and looked at what was going on. And realized he would be there with his new woman. And thought, “Ummmm, no.” And suddenly knew that I didn’t want to see another play, another show, another game. I wanted… yeah, I didn’t know what I wanted.

        (Later I pinpointed it. I wanted to produce, not consume. I was a victim of consumption!)

        I had seen a sign at a church that said Rebuilders/ grief recovery, starting Monday. It was Saturday and I called and joined. Then I got online and signed up for some night classes at the community college. (Three nights down.) Then on Sunday I went to a church. Talked to the pastor. Joined three bible studies. (Yes, three.) So that was six nights, including a Sunday night, yay!

        And Saturday nights… I didn’t know what to do on Saturday nights. (And it was still Saturday when I was planning…) So I went to a shoe store and asked if they had any dancing shoes. (I had no idea what dancing shoes looked like.) The guy helping me asked me about it and I told him I wasn’t sure where to go dancing or even how to dance, but I was up for it. I bought the shoes. He told me where to go. And said he’d meet up with me and dance with me. And he did! I said, “these places are all BARS!” And he smiled. And he walked me out, to my car, and asked if he could kiss me.


        Then he laughed at my expression and sneaked a kiss to my cheek. And said goodbye.

        That was the first moment – in twelve years – that I knew I was gonna be okay. I went home to my flowers. Took off my dancing shoes. Laid down on my bed. Eyes open. Said a prayer of thanks. Closed my eyes.

        And the next thing I knew, the sun was shining.

        What is a kiss on the cheek? The opposite of rejection. Thank you God for boys who know when to kiss a cheek.

        It was rough. I was in a foreign country. I did all the things for a few months, then my kids called. “We miss you!” I didn’t tell them what happened when it happened… I waited three weeks, until I knew I could talk on the phone without crying. I wanted to sound strong. And after I told them, EVERY night, when I came home, the red light was flashing, lighting up the dark house, “PHONE MESSAGE!” and it’d be one of my daughters, saying, “Hey, mom! I’m just thinking about you! Loving you!!!” Every night. And then I’d go to my email, and every night, there’d be an email from my other daughter, “Mom, you are beautiful. You are lovely. You are sweet. You are kind……..” And I kept on keeping on.

        And then. It was gonna be Thanksgiving. My kids called and said, “Dad said he would come and now he’s not coming. We want you here!” (Married twice and this was the first husband.) I didn’t know how to buy a plane ticket. The Internet happened while I was married to the second guy. Figured it out. I went home for Thanksgiving and stayed at my mom’s house for three months. After that, I was living again. Not acting. Not carrying out a plan. Not copying. Just living. Figuring out what was me. What was not me. Choosing a new me.#preferences

        I was getting from moment to moment. By myself! And everything was working… A friend took care of my flowers and when I went home, they were still in bloom.

        Ahhhh… chumps. I’m a chump too.#abuse

        Thank you for the space here today.

        I guess that sometimes it’s good to tell the story. Even if you’ve told it before.

  • Looking for a beautiful much younger women who thinks I’m the greatest, and effortlessly puts herself second. She needs to be able to mimic my favorite TV stars from when I was a teenager in the 70s, in appearance and speech. She will be required to appreciate my tweed and cordoroy jackets with elbow patches, because elbow patches mean intellectualism, and everyone knows I am the most intelligent person in the room, heck, even in the area where I live (which isn’t hard because it’s a complete backwater, but hey, big fish, small pond). This worshiping, self-sacraficing bimbo will also be expected to satisfy my “needs,” you know, lay there passively and be ok with no reciprocal pleasure, because pleasing me and my pee pee will mean everything to her. (And she has to be ok with me calling it my “pee pee” all the time.) She also needs to believe all my lies, with impunity. Then, when I become bored with her and inform her it’s time for me to move on, she will satisfy my need for drama and superiority by falling in a tearful heap at my feet, clinging to my legs as I head out the door as I shake my legs to loosen her grip on my ankles, stepping on her perfectly manicured fingers while I’m at it (her manicures being the only thing I’m willing to pay for). Then I will drive away in a haze of golden shimmering exhaust and never look back, providing her with perfect memories of wonderful me.

  • My cheater wrote in his profile…”I’ll treat you like a queen.” ???? Since he was in to both women and men, I guess it worked all around. ????

  • I too am very much married, and plan to remain so, BUT in a bizarro world, a profile might read:

    Labile, mother of 3, won’t see 40 again, constitutionally incapable of spontaneity, seeks extraordinarily wealthy, handsome, hilarious, philanthropic demi-god to form life partnership. Have a house in Mustique? Bear a resemblance to a middle-aged George Clooney? Call me!

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