Did the Affair Partner Tell You?

One of the lousier ways to find out you’re a chump is having the news sprung on you via the affair partner. There are worse ways, of course. (Via your kids, via a paternity test, or walking in on the festivities… #worse). But Schmoopies outing themselves is pretty common.

And it’s generally not done in a spirit of warm bonhomie. More like a Pick Me Dance throw down. Abandon the field! They are claiming their prize!

(Really, it’s the dumbest competition ever. For starters, you didn’t even know you were in a competition. I mean, how fabulous are you if your opponent is completely oblivious and has to be informed of your existence?)

Anyway, today’s Friday Challenge is answering the question — did they tell you? How’d that go over?

TGIF!

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BattleDancingUnicorn
BattleDancingUnicorn
1 year ago

She didn’t tell me directly, but she did post screenshots of their conversations on socials, hoping I’d eventually look her up. When I did, she then had the audacity to post about how she was being “stalked” by me. I gathered all the evidence she left lying around and never looked back.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago

I’m a stalker too. We can start a club, it’ll be fun. When my Alexa device informed me that her butt plugs and book on polyamory from my husband had been delivered to her, that was me stalking her. That’s how the ex and all our former friends (his shitty ass friends now, he can keep them) spun that shit. I was just standing in my kitchen and Alexa told me a package had been delivered and I asked what package? I didn’t want to know that. I got smacked in the face with stuff over and over again long after I’d stopped looking. I eventually got rid of everyone who had anything to do with him or his girlfriends so I could stop getting emotionally drop kicked because I couldn’t take it anymore.

But I’m a stalker. Yeah. It was infuriating for awhile. I was just trying to move on with my life. They couldn’t be decent in any way or use any kind of discretion but somehow that’s my fault. It’s like they rub all the information in our faces and then scream that we’re stalking them because we saw it. Like yeah, no shit ho bag, you publicly said something (or used someone else’s amazon account) and people saw it. That’s not stalking.

Starry-Eyed
Starry-Eyed
1 year ago

I feel like the obsessive need by (knowing) APs to harass the chump and paint them as a psycho is some kind of cognitive reaction to their own guilt. They have to believe that the chump is a crazy jerk who deserves punishment in order to protect their own self-image as a good person in spite of their immoral actions. In your case, she deliberately crafted a scenario to bait you into behavior that she could tell herself counted as “stalking” in order to vilify you.

HB
HB
1 year ago
Reply to  Starry-Eyed

This. ????

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
1 year ago

I hope you were in a “fault” state. 🙂

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

She didn’t tell me. But she hinted plenty. She kept mysteriously appearing wherever we were… what a coincidence!

We were at a Sports Authority getting little league gear for our 9 year old son and suddenly there she is all sweaty and running in… while her 2 boys were at little league games of their own (she left them there to do this!). And then bought nothing — just said hi to me (I think it was the first time we “met”) chatted with FW and left.

FW last minute told me about a BBQ that his “coworker” (AP) was having after work for everyone to stop by. He said “bring our son, there’s kids here to play with.” I messaged several times “do you need me to bring anything? Wine?” No response. I showed up with a bottle of wine and our son… she answers the door and says “I didn’t know YOU were coming!” (Huh??) And when I walked into the back I see FW sitting like a King at a table. No one else from work. A few neighbors there. I had no idea but got really uncomfortable. She was acting hyper and odd. At one point the conversation turned to AP saying “it’s so funny …FW is the only in our office who isn’t divorced!” Huh??!! It was a set up to get her boys and our son to meet each other. And FW was relishing this weird configuration of having us both there. I don’t think she expected him to invite me — just bring over our son because I had book club that night. He totally set that up to feed his ego. But she was sure to hint to me that she was moving in on him.

APs creepy hints were how I figured out what was going on.

Mimi
Mimi
1 year ago

That was mean and sick.
I’m sorry this happened to you.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago

Mysteriously appearing wherever you went – is this on a list somewhere in the OW Handbook? I knew OW worked in the office across the hall; I knew she’d said “I always work for doctors, I always have an affair with the doctor, and my husband always makes me quit”….but I’d never spoken to her and suddenly the woman was everywhere! I literally could not leave home without encountering her. The lightbulb went off in my head when I saw her ghosting through the aisles behind me at Walmart, but not approaching until my husband joined me – then she rushed up, greeted him, stood too close, etc. I had no idea how she found me until I realized (years later) that she’d been in our car and had put a tracking app on the cell phone we kept in the car.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago

That’s awful

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago

Horrifying, MS. I’m so glad you’re rid of those two.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

““it’s so funny …FW is the only in our office who isn’t divorced!” ”

So creepy. I have mentioned befgore I think that fw had come in the day before his work Christmas party and asked me if whore (his direct report) and her date could sit at our table. I didn’t know he was fucking her, so of course I said fine.

So whore and another woman who worked for the city (her best friend sat at our table) whores best friend made a joke about them being dates; then she said:

“oh you and fw are so cute together, you guys are always walking around holding hands; the whole city would be shocked if you divorced” Yep, as God is my witness, that is exactly what she said.

I was already suspicious fw was fooling around, as he had turned mean and nasty; but I never suspected whore. Mostly because she just wasn’t that attractive, and she wasn’t really bright. I didn’t suspect whores friend and I don’t know why but I didn’t.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be whore (direct report).

I don’t think he was relishing that moment. I am pretty sure he didn’t plan on that little performance because he was sitting there sweating like a hooker in the front pew.

I will never know, but I am pretty sure she insisted on sitting at our table that night and he went along.

I believe it was about a week later that someone dropped a dime on him and filed an ethics report. Things tumbled quickly after that.

Audacious
Audacious
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

SWEATING LIKE A HOOKER IN THE FRONT PEW for the WIN!!!!! x

Starry-Eyed
Starry-Eyed
1 year ago

How horrible of them both! Totally narcissistic of him, ugh, I can just see it. But really pathetic of her too. Like, you were an unknowing victim, but she seriously sat there and knowingly allowed him to humiliate her by having you both there and didn’t catch on that this wasn’t right? She deserves whatever he pulls on her in the future. She’ll have no one to blame but herself, because it’s not like she didn’t know she chose a douche who gets off on humiliating his partner.

Morrychump
Morrychump
1 year ago

Michelle

That’s awful. Some people are really f***ed up. Sorry you had to go through this.

Hope you are your son are doing well now that the trash was taken out.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago

They are truly revolting.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

Ugh. They’re awful people. Both suck! I’m sorry that happened to you. Yeesh.

And I can just picture your FW sitting at that table like a cat in cream. #kibbleoverdose #CAKE

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

It was surreal. Now I think: let them have each other. She’s won a real sparkly turd.

Margaret With The Good Kidney
Margaret With The Good Kidney
1 year ago

MS,
That is exactly what I did! He knew my boundaries, he knew I’m out the door for ANY hint of cheating, period! Dumb-ass couldn’t help himself. He felt entitled. The sickest part,… and I am not making this shit up, During our 4 year relationship, I was waiting for an organ transplant, due to a genetic, autoimmune disease. I was 36, and he was 49. I really thought I met someone mature! WOW! Lucky me. I did online dating for 2 years and met some nice people but the topic always went to sex. It got boring fast.

Anyway, I felt this person understood me because His brother had a heart, liver, and kidney transplant, and then died by a drunk driver. ( actually that was partly a lie too! It happened in reverse order, and he diid not het killed by a drunk driver! His mother, of whom I love, corrected me! I believe he lied about the tragedy of his brother to get pity, sympathy, and whatnot, He told my best friend the exact same tragic story! Now lie. In essence, housed his brothers horrible story and tragedies together women to like him. My friend. was like, ” why would he lie to me? Why would he lie to everyone? Especially you? I said he tried to get into my pants that night, and for you, he needed a backup alibi to support his story so I would stick around. He gaslighted everyone. Thats why all of our friends think he is so great. Well that, and because he is captain of arcading sailboat that I crewed on, until my bones /paprathyroids from 8 years of dialysis waiting for a transplant stopped me for sailing.)
Point being, I did so much work for his lazy ass while I had to do hemodialysis every other day, across town, drive myself, take care of every tiny thing, for my health, appointments, research how to register outside of California, for a kidney, because I was developing heart problems. I also worked a part time job, I somehow got conned into being his housewife so, that HE could easily accomplish his job (which included a long affair with his ho-worker) receive his lazy accolades, and come home to an ultra clean, well managed, house, with hot dinner ready for him. Ohhh what an idiot I was! I was trying to save us money by cooking, and showing him I loved him. (he got FAT! Not my problem) I should have used that valuable time to get my nails done, hair done, work out, Take care of my mental health, further my career, spend more time with my friends who love me. He went from writing love letters to me every morning with a cup of coffee, and trips to Hawaii, and Nappa to moving into his condo, me finding all new furniture/housewares for him, he bitched about the price. I am a great shopper! (He became soooo weird and indecisive! He couldn’t make a decision about what color coffee table he wanted and what size, and what shower curtain to get!) It was hilarious in a way. I could never figure it out. Why he needed me so badly to re-design his downtown condo. Anyone have any ideas?
For 4 years I dated Mr. Amazing, but I became more and more exhausted. I asked him to make dinner on my dialysis nights, and he fell asleep on the couch at 7 pm after eating a whole bag of chips. I did get chili dogs. It must have been exhausting living a double life! Like he took her to concerts, dinners, France, and paid, she was just another 50 some year old city project manager who has a long nose. I called her 2x to tell her to back off and don’t talk to my boyfriend as I already confronted him, she claimed nothings going on. Bullshit! She needs kibbles just as much as he does. Second time, I called her stupid sneaky ass up, and said, he is all yours, Come get him. I don’t date liars and cheaters. I believe you two would make a fine couple together. He already bought you concert tickets, and told me that he bought them for me! Hahahaha. I liked the Doors in fucking High School. Thank you apple for clarifying the mystery because I was in fucking hell. Jekyl and Hyde! Even 2 years later I find more and more lies, and I want to get away, but I still cry, My heart is so angry. His behavior is a sick sick selfish fuck. Oh he refused a vasectomy after I got my IUD out. (it expired) then we used condoms. He could’ve killed me if I got pregnant. or HPV. I wish I could sue him for attempted murder, Because he knew the rules with dialysis and pregnancy. Sex was over so fast, it wasn’t worth it. It felt super anxious, definitely pre-mature. I’m hot stuff. I can model. But it would be for me only, as I have a masters degree. I still find out lies, he got a lot of girlfriends fast. which makes me laugh. I loved this person so much in the beginning, for 3 years. He was such a gentleman. Then he turned into an asshole. I feel it is because I spent my time getting OFF of dialysis as it was causing my heart to have problems. More pressure on me, less kibbles for him. Im frustrated Still feel smooch lightning bolts of pain. I did nothing wrong. He helped himself to an entire relationship. I don’t need to use people to make myself happy. Thats fake and its wrong. He has my cats, as I had no choice but to be homeless in San Diego or live with my abusive hoarder mom. Ironically Covid started shelters had long wait lists, I could not get a transplant if I stayed in a shelter, due to diseases like Hep C and TB, just like prison. I had to have a 30 day health period. So iff to the monster who made me, at 3 am. That just magnified the pain terrible. I was and still am blessed with friends and his family has been a better family to me than my own. I moved out 6 months ago and I got a donor kidney at the Mayo Clinic by myself September 24 2021. I paid for everything, Including my racist anti-Semitic and vocally anti-gay Sister in law, who never once came to my appointments. That was 5 weeks of recovery hell. Dickhead texted me, (no card no phone call-oh well who cares?) to tell me very formally that congratulations are in order??? Who says that shit? He was with me, living together, sailing and winning races for 4 years, I spent every holiday with his family. He knew I spent every free minute trying to find a kidney, so I would get off of dialysis and stay alive! Did he help me? Nope! Only for orientation at ONE hospital. I’ve done 7 of them. California’s wait list is 10-14 years long. Arizona, Texas, Utah wait list is 2-3 years. The only deterrent is cost for hotel, flights, waiting for a random call at any time. My family did not and wouldn’t helpmeet. Because it’s better to be out of sight and out of mind. That way they could go on their vacations and ski trips with no worries. After dr, Jekyl quit on being my caregiver, my mom said yes, and 4 weeks later said no she cant. She has an over active bladder. Next local sibling is my sister who doesn’t work but has 2 boys 11 years old. She can ask her ex husband for help, but again she said yes of course she would help. And then when the social worker called her to confirm, she said a big fat NO. Because her kids are starting school and she cant just drop everything to meet me at the hospital. Mayo Clinic relies heavily on caregivers. My sister was told that I would therefore be de-listed from receiving a kidney transplant since I have no caregiver. And sister said thats fine! That was a huge painful gut punch. My own family and cut 4 weeks or less of their life to just be present. Its hospital rules. No caregiver, no transplant. Oh and it was in the middle of covid. So thats the excuses my mom and sister used. On top of being rejected by my sister, mother and ex boyfriend (I had no body, my friends have jobs and kids, and this is an impromptu thing. I would have paid for a 2 room suite. I was organized. The icing on the cake was that when the social worker called my sister to confirm. My sister freaked out badly, became so angry, called me during my 4 hour treatment with my 3 masks on, and bitched me out so badly! It was stunning. She had already agreed. She knew all of my annual tests were finished, and she was caught off guard. Sorry cant plan that ski trip to mammoth (eye roll). Are people afraid? She made a unilateral decision to cancel her caregiving offer without telling me, and therefore the result was that I was de-listed from getting a transplant for 4 months. I will never ever forget that letdown. My mom supported her choice. If I had time to prepare to find someone else, and innadition, she had told me earlier, she couldn’t make it, thats something I can respect. I was in shock. I had several panic attacks, I saw a therapist, and a psychiatrist who gently helped me. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, I lost my best friend who I thought cared for me and loved me, I lost the safety and security of our home the built, I lost my 2 kitties we adopted together for life. Funny thing… he had NO PLAN for what to do about our kitties if we ever split up. They were my emotional support animals and would pile on top of me after difficult dialysis treatments. He never talked to me about him taking them. I felt it fair I take them and he can visit whoever he wanted, just like he told me. (he had moved on, 1 month after I moved out,-but he lied about it. He had many many short term girlfriends during covid. (I laughed!) So… My dear Chump nation, for me, I had health problems and lived with another abusive monster who stole my covid relief money from me, and would eat all of my food, and wouldn’t shut up! Every morning, I dreaded making coffee because she would corner me and yammer away. Thank God for therapy and anti anxiety medicine. What mother steals from her daughters SSDI money? I believe she had munchausen by proxy. She never ever encouraged me to get better and get a transplant out of state. She enjoyed me being sick. She was punishing me for leaving her to live with Dr.Jeckyl. She is a big time grifter at manipulating corporations to her benefit. So if she passes, we 4 kids must pay capital gains taxes on 3 million worth of property, land and real-estate. It was so hurtful when she stole my transplant savings from me. I live on $1200. a month SSDI. for rent, food, bills car, insurance. All of my family knows that. And if I make too much money, I loose my benefits.
So in summary, add all of the health crap and transplant recovery with my racist, Anti Semitic, Anti-
Gay, anti wealth, anti any color or ethnicity, SIL, for 5 weeks, I kept my mouth shut or I would have killed her. I did report her to the hospital for patient abuse and demanding of money from me. Which I never said I would pay her. I said I would pay for gas, food, lodging, groceries, shopping for little things. So a free vacation where she never even went to the hospital except to pick me up.I thank God for all my friends for support, and my ex’s family. They called more often than my own family! I suppose a transplant isn’t life and death. So fuck them. My SIL left early for “vacation” without telling me haha. What a nutt. Vacation from quilting? Vacation for smoking bongloads all day? Jesus, I don’t make this stuff up. It all started with an office ho-worker…. and I could have lost my life. Please Chumps, trust those littered flags now because they get bigger. I have never felt so hurt, destroyed, robbed, betrayed, made a fool, and thrown away in my life. 4 years, and it ends so badly. It started wonderfully and I was so happy I found a great guy who I had so much in common with. I would love to se karma work her magic as he has never been cheated on. I want him to feel what I feel for as long as I felt the pain. He uses women to move on and feel better. I told him that doing so is wrong. baaahahaha he doesn’t care. He wants what he wants. Words from his family. His older brother is nothing like this monster. He is a sweet house husband who get screwed by his ex wife, who one day, picked up everything and left taking their daughter. Its just crushing. How can people act so horribly? I would Neve in a million years ever consider screaming and yelling at any spouse or partner for tiny things. Never! I respect myself too much.

Thank you CN for reading this book. I poured my heart out at 4 am, now it is 7:30 PT. I have no desire to meed another cheater. I want to find a decent honest guy who has self respect and self love for himself and for others. Just don’t cheat or lie, It isn’t that hard, And what your actually doing is sucking the life out of your partner. If your not happy, let them down gently. No one can read your mind. Just be a fucking kind, decent human being. I share my story with you CN because it is the most incredible pain and betrayal I have ever been through, in my life. Funny coincidence, I got my life saving call -and I have high antigens, so although in my 30’s I am a difficult match, making the wait so much longer on dialysis. Anyway My call came September 24 which is the exact same date My ex’s brother got his call for a new heart! And this was revolutionary at Stanford University in the late 80’s. Ex’s mom told me before going in to surgery, that Mark is watching over you. he is your Guardian angel. He will protect you. And I prayed and talked to him. It was very comforting. How did my ex end up such a rotten selfish entitled person? and everyone else is not in his family? On a good note, I am doing fine! I have a heart valve problem being fixed in May, and that is from dialysis. But physically I am fine. I live alone. Its ok, lonely. No kittens. But one step at a time. I pray a lot and I check in with my tribe, my chump nation.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago

My ex-H told me, not his intern/AP. They blew up their marriages in the same weekend. I know it’s not a pain competition, but it was pretty awful to hear out of the blue (when he said we were sitting down to discuss next steps to buying our dream home) “Actually there will be no home for us at all. ILBNILWY and never have been and I’m leaving you for intern.” He had no interest in saving our marriage even for appearances or for cake. She didn’t have to force his hand. He told me with what looked like *glee*.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

FW ran the same playbook. I actually confronted him because I guessed he was cheating with coworker (although I didn’t really believe it) and he answered “I don’t love you anymore. I love AP!” with crazy *glee*

FWs are lunatics

GettingThereSlowly
GettingThereSlowly
1 year ago

Yeah, that glee look on their face. The lies they have to tell to believe they are still good people. Super weird. They are lunatics!

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago

That look of glee on their faces is another trade mark commonality of cheaters. It’s also in the black market rule book on how to cheat they all have very worn copies of. I’ve seen that look on him myself when he’s delivered the Ilybinilwy blow and sadly, two of my kids have witnessed it from him.
He decided to make a ‘come clean, cat out of the bag’ type confession to them and actually rambled off a long list of many of his indiscretions in traumatic detail to them.
The kids and I have never shared all of that incident together( they prob know more than me of who he’s screwed, but way too painful for any of us to go there).
But they did share with me their terror in seeing a proud of himself smirk cross his face when he described it all as “ back in his ho days”.
That mask does slip from time to time and you get glimpses of the darkness that lies beneath.

kbx
kbx
1 year ago

The first one slightly stalked until she couldn’t take it anymore. That one ended with drunk phone calls at 2am saying your husband is cheating on you. Woke him up to hear the voice and he knew it was her. A pot of coffee and twenty minutes of staring and deep breaths later came his confession. 20 yrs later she acknowledged and apologized for interfering in our family and marriage.

Present one confessed to her friends about herself and another one apparently she knows about. She also subtly confessed to my daughter (her employee) that she befriended that it’s like winning your rockstar high school crush(she is 15yrs younger than he is and closer in age to my kids). They both used my daughter in the middle to cover and babysit for their moments thinking she would be cool with it all. Part of her job description. Well, kids are not cool with their “friend” banging their dad and using them to lie about it.
There are no coincidences and the picture is clear. It’s also in their behavior, attitude, anger and guilty consciences to both ex spouses. Innocent people show empathy compassion and respect. Guilty people seethe while drowning in their own pool of lies so that is the best confession.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  kbx

When they use the word “winning” (in this case instead of poaching) that says a lot about who they are. Of course, since she was the AP, everyone that knew including your daughter already knew how low-class she was. I hate it when the AP or FW delights in others’ pain.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago

Not quite a direct tell but one morning I woke up to an email that said ‘You know that XXX is having an affair, seen in Soho’.

I had just started a new job and this came to my work email. I couldn’t believe it and he looked so shocked and said I would NEVER do that I’m not that kind of person.

Long story then about how I’d received other random emails from the same account so I took it to be some kind of spam which I explained to him at length – how relieved he must have been.

Undoubted now she sent it to me, to hurry things along a bit….. Or someone in her camp did.

That was some royal spackle there but in fairness my friends, his family and others were absolutely sure he would never be capable of such a thing… We know the ending.

Trixie
Trixie
1 year ago

Similar story. I got an anonymous letter at work telling me about their affair. I later came to believe she was trying to hurry things along because he wasn’t ending our marriage quick enough for her liking.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago

It’s amazing how many of us were with men who NO ONE believed would ever do such a thing. Such pillars of the community. The summer of ex-H’s affair he was being so mean to me on a group vacation with our friends that I sat down with one friend who had noticed to talk about it and how I had no idea what was going on. She said “at least you know he’d never cheat on you.” lol. (She really believed that at the time and has been the person who stuck by me the most since everything blew up.)

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

ML was he a Covert Narcissist. STBXW is and therefore nobody will believe me when I told them she was serial adulterer. They all think she is too nice and that I am making it up. So frustrating

Double Chumped In Florida
Double Chumped In Florida
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Mine went by the affectionate name “Saint Larry” ????

Free!
Free!
1 year ago

This is hilarious! My FW is also named Larry and always presents himself as highly religious/ pious/Godly/Christ-like. Fucking hypocrite. (And we are from Florida)

Nemo
Nemo
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Bless her. It’s hard to face the fact you were so completely fooled. Lotsa people would continue the denial and cut you loose. (Bet lotsa other people did.)

Tall One
Tall One
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

same with me and xw.. Can’t tell you how many times I heard, “no…not her”.
…..eyeroll

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  Tall One

I heard “I can’t see him cheating,” he’s too nice of a guy.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

No, she didn’t tell me. She lied to my face about it and said that “nothing is going on” when she’d been fucking my husband for over two years. But in a way, she told me a lot, as she was VERY indiscriminate with her social media, so I learned a lot from that, which confirmed that I was being lied to. My ex would tell me he was going somewhere with so and so, except she’d post photos of the two of them together (or herself at my marital home).

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

She probably lied to your face so that she’d have deniability to your ex-husband, all the while doing The Most on social media so that you’d find out. In the AP Pick Me Dance, every move is calculated.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

I understand why my ex didn’t tell me (cake is nice – money, help around the house, no lawyers, no child support, sex, etc.) but I often wondered why SHE didn’t tell me. I would have exited that situation quickly and started the divorce and she could have had him and welcome several years before it all finally came out. Instead she let him string me along for over three years while she hung around waiting (including during our 3 month wreckonciliation, when I moved back in with him). It always struck me as odd. My guess is he told her I would go ballistic and hurt her or something, as she was VERY paranoid about me, accusing me of stalking her, following her home, breaking into her apartment, etc. Which was all BS and all totally crazy. I never did anything to her, other than report her to HR when she sent me a threatening text (we were coworkers at the time).

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

I wouldn’t put it past him to have done some of those “stalking” activities, just to keep her paranoid enough not to contact you. (My paranoid father once sabotaged things around the house to “prove” he was being harassed. But he was authentically mentally ill. Although also a cheater.)

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Adelante

Oh I totally think the “breaking and entering” was him, to keep her paranoid and make her cling tighter to him and never talk to me. He accused me of stealing his copy of her housekey. I never touched it (and he swore up and down he had “no idea” what that key was for when I asked about on the new key hanging on his wallet chain). Apparently only her little shrine of their mementos got messed with. Something I had no idea even existed (though it explains why my ex basically had always persuaded/forbidden me to come to playdates at her house, even though she often came to mine – yeah, our children played together, and I often made dinner for everyone). He was the only one who had a key to her place, which he somehow “lost” and then accused me of taking. Except my kid found it in my ex’s bedroom and came down the stairs in all innocence saying “daddy, don’t forget your key!” one day when I was there to pick him up. I would never have been so stupid as to commit a crime, especially in the middle of a custody dispute. Lord have mercy. But he even accused me of it in the court documents! Where’s the police report,? That’s what I wanted to know. Apparently she changed her locks after that. Lol. I know it wasn’t me.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

They enjoy imagining that we are as wrapped up in the drama as they are. If we’re breaking into their houses that makes it edgy and dangerous, rather than banal.

I know (because she told our daughter) that XW is convinced that I vandalized her car. Passion, drama! Her AP retaliated by sticking a nail through my tire – revenge! Violence! In reality, she was parking her new car in a public parking lot, and I’m sure it got dinged by other car doors. The reality was boring and banal, but she (and AP) constructed a whole fantasy in which I’m a vindictive, dangerous, bitter ex who can’t let go. They have every incentive to imagine we are obsessed by them, and are plotting to undermine or damage them – even if really all we want is to be left alone.

ChumpParalysis
ChumpParalysis
1 year ago

The AP told me. I have posted my story before, so sometimes i feel I am being redundant. But the AP was one of my closest friends and also our neighbor. I had suspicions off and on for a few years but was always made to believe I was being ridiculous by both of them. My Dday came about 1 year after my 16 year old son’s funeral (car accident). Which, by the way, she sat with me during trying to be so supportive and caring (ugh). I later would find out that they had actually been sleeping together for 7 years at that point. Its funny what our minds can do, i should have known. All the signs were there. My daughter (who has some mental heath issues) saw an exchange between them while i was out and told me about it. She was 14 at the time, STBX started yelling at her that she was just causing trouble and then proceeded to ask her questions as if he was a prosecuting attorney and she was on trial. By the time that was over she wasn’t sure anymore what she really saw and was confused about her reality. But one thing that stuck with me was the words he said to her, “You will never catch me doing wrong by your mother”. When everything came out a year later she kept saying” I knew what I saw,! I knew I was right!” . AP was later arrested for stalking myself and my youngest child, who she was absolutely obsessed with. She has no children of her own. He was 7 years old when this all came out and had just lost his older brother. The next several years are all a blur. I am embarrassed to say that I am still here 6 years later. I want out but i feel frozen, paralyzed. the thought of not seeing another one of my children every day is too much for me sometimes. But I do have most of my ducks in a row and I now have an awesome therapist, my hope is to get up the courage to give myself permission to be happy. STBX says if I truly loved him I would forgive him and fight harder to keep our family together. (Dick)

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

Chump Paralysis, sending you an enormous hug. The pain and trauma upon trauma really does paralyze us. I can so relate. I feared I would lose time with my kids also but the judge gave me full custody and XH, who sounds a lot like yours (he also gaslit, threatened, and blamed our suicidal 14 year old daughter when she caught him) never availed himself of the pathway to earn more time with our youngest who was 10 and was the reason I went all the way through a trial to protect from him. There were years when he only showed up to one dinner a month in a restaurant with her. Fast forward 7.5 years. Kids are grown and I’m so glad I saved the youngest from his daily emotional abuse of her and myself from further harm. These types really do harm everyone in the family and it’s not their dicks in orafices that do the most harm (sans STDs), it’s the devalue, the lies, the gaslighting, the blameshifting, the rage, the psychological ABUSE that harms us. The only anecdote is to get away. Go no contact. Then the healing begins. I do know the terror of losing the kids …. But I hope you take the leap. I don’t think you’ll ever regret it- I don’t!

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

CP, it’s the first time I read your story, so I’m lucky you posted it again.
I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for all you and your family have been through and to give you a virtual hug. Some day you will overcome the paralysis and will get the life you deserve. But I know sometimes it’s just too much to bear on one’s shoulders. Seven years of cheating, backstabbing and gaslighting you and your kids atop of all the sadness your family had to endure is too much. Your STBX and the AP are heartless creatures and the way they interacted with you and your kids is just demonic. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel right now. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, no one is judging you and no one could. You’re mighty. Notwithstanding so much pain you didn’t give up, you didn’t settle for misery, and you’re still fighting. I hope to read here some day that everything went well for you and your kids and that you’re enjoying a FW-free life. (((Hugs)))

Hope49
Hope49
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

ChumpParalysis, A BIG (((Hug))) to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your son and I can totally understand your wanting to stay for your child after such loss.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

Oh, the “If you really loved me” mindfuck. They love that one. They’re too stupid to see the irony- that if they really loved you they wouldn’t have cheated.
I hope you get out soon. That guy’s a scumbag who gaslights his kids, too.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. What they put you and family through is truly deranged.

You sound as though you are gaining strength, I’m glad you are with a good therapist.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

That is absolutely shameful how they both gaslit you and your daughter to deflect from their atrocious behavior. Hugs to you.

Go ahead and chump.
Go ahead and chump.
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

ChumpParalysis – This is a chain of devastating traumatic events that I can’t fathom, so no apologies or embarrassment needed for where you are right now. I’m glad you are here and posting this. I wish you strength and you are getting your ducks in a row. Grasp onto the anger because right now it is accurate. Yes, he is dick and and an incredibly damaging abuser.

Sandy
Sandy
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

Don’t be embarrassed. We are all different and process stuff in our own time. Take as much time as you need to get where you want to be.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandy

Absolutely no judgement for staying.
When it’s time to go, you’ll know.

*Hugs*

MamaEagle
MamaEagle
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

I will NEVER judge anyone for staying.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

I am so sorry for the tragedy of losing your son. Big hugs to you. You’re incredibly strong, ChumpParalysis.

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

So very sorry for the loss of your son.
Ignore the STBX. If HE truly loved YOU then there would have been nothing to forgive.
After all your trauma and loss, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed for. This stuff is hard.
Do what you need to do on your own timeline.
I wish you and your children much happiness and love.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

My deepest sympathy to you for losing your son. Glad you have an awesome therapist and that you have CL and CN on your side. Keep lining up those ducks and you will feel mighty. You are ENOUGH. You do not need permission to be happy especially when it involves removing an FW from your life.

Kathleen
Kathleen
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

I’m so sorry you had to go through that terrible tragedy. Please leave this terrible piece of crap and put you and you family first You deserve better. Good luck ????

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

At the same time you lost your son, you lost the the two people who should have been there to support you: Your husband and your close friend. I can understand your reluctance to push forward and lose your marital status and possibly your home and social circle. Could holding on to your marriage (and perhaps with it, your family home) be a way to hold onto memories of your son? I’m so sorry for his death and the loss to you, your younger son and your daughter, and any other children if you have them.
STBX and his AP played mind games and worse with your family and your daughter’s mental health. I’m glad you have all your ducks ready know, and wish you strength as you move on to a better life.
BTW, The Compassionate Friends organization has many resources for people who have experienced a death, including special materials for siblings as well as parents, spouses, etc.

ChumpParalysis
ChumpParalysis
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

GoodFriend, thank you for your reply. The minds games, ugh that is the worst part of all of this (aside from the loss of my son). Right now I am working on reality based thinking with my therapist because i was gaslighted for so long that i do not trust my own reality, i don’t trust myself to know what is real anymore. I hate to sound like i am stuck in a victim mentality but the last few years have really done a number on me for sure. It’s sad to read all of these stories and realize that this is so common. I fear i am losing all faith in love and relationships. I don;t want to be this resentful, scorned woman!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

Take time to heal and don’t even worry about ‘love and relationships’. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, but you will get through this. Just be kind to yourself and be patient.

Magnolia
Magnolia
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

CP, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss of your son.

I don’t think you sound like you’re in victim mentality and I like hearing people’s stories more than once from different angles. After a while, you get to know people, mainly by their stories only because they retell them in the context of the new question. Sometimes I find rewriting my story when something here sparks the urge helps me understand something new or let it go.

For what it’s worth, it sounds like major mind-effery has gone on for you and your child. Maybe your child’s well-being will spur you to the next move. For your kid to have a father that makes them doubt their own reality … that’s abuse. He’s setting her up to be abused and lied to by men, and doubt her own reactions, for the rest of her life. I’m almost 50 and I’m still dealing with the damage done by many exploitative men because I was trained by my own father not to believe my own instincts.

Recently, I’ve gone down the wormhole of a YouTube series called Soft White Underbelly and it’s full of people with addictions, and almost all of them had parents who lied to them and gaslit them. I’m also grappling with addiction and not in a stable recovery. I actually find it comforting to think that at least I didn’t end up with worse afflictions, but in some ways that’s luck, and just my own mightiness. I wish I could say my mother, who was an excellent model of financial common sense, would have also modeled sticking up for herself.

ChumpParalysis
ChumpParalysis
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

GoodFriend. Also, as far as your comment about the family home. Yes at first i just couldn’t bare the thought of another loss. I stayed in a fog for a few years, but now that i know what happened in my “family home” it is all tarnished to me. I am sad to leave the amazing memories of my son here in this home but I also know way too much to ever see only that. the AP was very eager to write out exactly what and where they did there shenanigans. She told me her favorite place was MY bed while she started at our family picture. every single room of my house (even the garage) has been tainted with her slug tracks. I don’t want this house. I do worry about my kids though, especially the youngest. this is the only home he has ever known and he is currently in his older brother’s bedroom which is so special to him. So even if I leave i feel like this will always be home to him – not my new place. Navigating the separation and how much it will hurt my youngest has been very difficult. I feel like I am the one hurting him by splitting up the family, especially after this long 🙁

LadybugChump
LadybugChump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

Paralysis. I lived in this, too, for some 7 plus years. I did move out 7 years ago. I was on the fence. Literally. At the very top. 49% and 51%. Until I read LACGAL. And my now X was staying at my house after be hospitalized for COVID (not together together). I finally realized that I didn’t trust him and was never going to go back with him. There was nothing I could imagine him doing that would change that.
Making the decision was the best thing ever.
In only 3 months, I’ve moved to live near my son and his family. My job allows remote working so I have the same job. My boss offered me to be part of this company paid business coaching thing. About everything happening came so easy – like a “yes”. This was after 9 years of feeling crappy about life in general.
Just know that life is better on the other side of tolerating lies and the disrespect that comes with it. Everyone else sees it, including the kids.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

She’s evil. What a pig. However, if you want to keep your house, keep it. It’s just a house. My brother said that ‘you can’t get the stink out’. But it’s just a house. My ex and his skank fucked in my bed. I got a new mattress. The ‘stink’ is only stinky if you allow it to be stinky to you. I’m still sleeping in my bed and I kept my house because it’s my dream home. And a few years after my divorce I asked one of my sons, “Do you think it bothers your dad that I kept the house?” Without any hesitation, he said, “Oh yeah. I know it does.” That was nice to hear and I bet it still burns his craw. But that’s not why I kept the house. I kept it because I love it; it’s my dream home. I have a great view of the mountains behind me. I have a hot tub and swimming pool. It’s a home that I could never have gotten on my own. I enjoy it and the dick and his skank (and their shenanigans) never even enter my head.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

They are the ones that caused the split of your family. Cheaters are SLIME and it is never the betrayed one who is responsible for what the slime thinks is just incidental. Sometimes we for whatever reason can not make the decision to split. You are doing the right thing. Wishing you and your son happiness at the new place. Very sorry you have been through so much.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

You are not the one who split up the family! Fuckwit did that. It’s 100% on him.
I’m so sorry about your son. You’ve been through so much and that heavy load of grief and trauma you’re carrying is probably what has stalled you.

Hcard
Hcard
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

After 45 yrs of gaslighting, reality was hard to find. Everything I thought I knew about those yrs a lie. Even to little stupid things. Liars have to lie, to breath. I learned from therapy, all those items are just things. Inanimate objects. My love, memories are real, (now) things to hold onto. Slut slim all over the house, not real. A special room is just a room. What I remember and feel about the person who used the room is real. This was very hard for me to grasp in my heart for a long while. Like hoarders who keeps a Kleenex someone used, broken toys, after children are grown. Losing a child. Would put me into twilight zone brain fog. No idea what objects would mean then. Sorry for anyone experiencing that pain.

Looby_Lou
Looby_Lou
1 year ago
Reply to  Hcard

Before the house sold I occasionally wandered around waving sage and wishing myself and my children the best.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

Oh CP, Im so sorry for all you have suffered. I can see how a serious tragedy could contribute to being overwhelmed and subsequent paralysis.

Speaking as a Chump who stayed too long (7 years after Dday) I urge you to think about the sweetness that life could offer you in a small, safe, calm home you could create for yourself and your kids.

My young adult kids had mental health issues which impaired their launching and I was so worried about where they would go if the family home were no longer an option, so I stayed.

I was SO accustomed to living under the harsh bullying of my cheater that I had no idea what life without him would feel like. It is SO much better

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

OW sounds completely unhinged. Your husband knows she’s crazy, which is probably why he’s not too eager to divorce. Leave. She will be his boobie prize, and if you’re lucky, he will feel the need to marry her so his ruined life looks ‘legit.’ You come across as a very nice person who wants to do the right thing and not ever hurt anyone. Hurt him. Get angry. Get what’s yours and then some, and leave that asshole in the dust. While you’re at it, spread evidence of her horrible behavior around to friends, neighbors, her employer, etc. No one thought I was the type to ever to thngs like this. I did, and it helped give me solid ground to stand in. Seven years and you’re not righteously pissed? Get going.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago

This is great advice. Absolutely what should happen.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
1 year ago

*stand on*

Claire
Claire
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpParalysis

CP. Hugs to you. ❤️

Xioba Xioba
Xioba Xioba
1 year ago

Ugh. I hated that Schmoopie made himself known to me— seeing the Christmas cards with my children that he posted all over social really hurt me and was clearly calculated on his part. My ex simply replied when I confronted her, “I’m sorry you saw those photos.”
Hindsight, the APs insistence on being known, somehow one upping me in every aspect of my life is just repulsive behavior and really talks about these two freaks character. Insecurity, hatred, self loathing are all imbued in his actions, and she chose him over me which speaks of her.
Good riddance, but it’s really an awful experience that still echoes pain when I think about. What a bunch of narcissistic freaks, TBH.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  Xioba Xioba

“One-upping you” – I have a very unique hairstyle and damned if OW didn’t copy it exactly, right down to the curl. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover she used my hairdresser.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  Xioba Xioba

So he took fake-family Christmas pictures with your wife and kids? That is harsh…I cant imagine how that would feel

Xioba Xioba
Xioba Xioba
1 year ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Haha yeah, he didn’t stop there ( stalked me, harassed me, threatened me, contacted my friends and family, tried to have me arrested for driving down my own street and called my work which got me terminated), but that photo makes me vomit when I think of it.
Still, he did me a favor by winning “the prize” ( she’s not a prize ) and I’m told children are resilient so I’ll fix my relationship with them when this guy cools down or disappears.
Such is life with a cheater.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Xioba Xioba

Man, I concur with Unicornomore, you’re a hero.
“Insecurity, hatred, self loathing are all imbued in his actions”.
Yes and I’m sure your kids will sense it too and get distance from this freak. Stay strong.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  Xioba Xioba

Those Shit Sandwiches have putridity dripping off the crust. Im so sorry you suffered that. You are my hero for surviving such a storm. I hope you got a better job after the unfair termination.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

Ex never admitted anything about anything so I went to see her.

They had been work partners for years and me and my kids thought she was our family friend. Vacations, major life events, dinners…

She told me what I needed to know and was pretty righteous about it.
I asked her how she could do this to my kids and the response was “if you told them, that’s your problem”. Realized only a never married with no kids fool would say that and I walked away.

She isn’t allowed in my orbit so he has to attend weddings, grandkids’ birthday parties or visiting his grandkids alone.

She “won” quite the prize! If they’re married it’s a secret. He’s miserable, frumpy (previously meticulous), overweight, post-heart attack and old in body and spirit.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
1 year ago

Since they numbered in the hundreds (3 Amandas alone), and many of them he paid for the privilege, there would have had to have been a lottery (or fantasy league draft) to determine which would tell me.

ChumpMD
ChumpMD
1 year ago

Lol that reminded me…
He was trying to find out how I found out about his shenanigans. He asked, “Did Kelly tell you?”
I replied, “Maybe”
“Which Kelly?” He asked. (Apparently there were at least 2)
Sad, but it was all I could do to not laugh out loud til he left the room. God only knows how many there actually were.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
1 year ago

‘3 Amandas’ could be the name of an anti-fungal.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
1 year ago

Bwahahahaha! Love it!

DubaiChump
DubaiChump
1 year ago

That gave me a little chuckle today – thank you!

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago

On the way into the Orlando airport to see our son in Kansas City, MO on my 60th birthday flying as husband’s companion on his rewards account. She ran into the elevator and said he’s having an affair with me and the massage therapist. I looked at her and said “I believe you”. He said “I’m having affair with AP”. I said “we have a plane to catch”.

She tried to trip him and hit him in head. He yelled to others in hall, “call security”! She was 27, him 60.
We went on trip, he cried on plane, said he’d call therapist, 2 months later I discovered he was on drugs….

He convinced me we couldn’t fire her bec pause she’s racially mixed and possible sexual harassment issues. She’d quit, give her a chance to find another job, blah, blah. I was so ridiculous to believe he had actually talked to attorney about this. Claimed to fire her then brought her back.

I filed 3.5 months after Dday. There had been many clues, phone calls, texts, and disappearing acts, late patients, missing money, We had been together since 18, married 36years when I filed. He refused treatment for drug problem. Nothing to work with.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

Sandyfeet, what an experience! I feel for you.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

Thank you. He used to be a good person. My middle child said someday you’ll realize that was your best birthday, not your worst. The AP is younger than all the adult children. YUK. No relationship with children, grands, or his siblings for him.

OnwardAndUpward
OnwardAndUpward
1 year ago

Yep. AP called my home phone to speak to my husband in DD#1 and the cat was out of the bag. I thought it was a one-off, so I spackled while I pick-me danced. Eleven years later, DD#2 the AP contacted me through social media with a manifesto of transgressions. They were done and we had two small kids so I forgave and said never again or I’m out. After ten more years, DD#3 the AP called my cell phone and we had a conversation. Soon, an avalanche of infidelities were exposed and the house of cards came down. My next move was to lawyer-up.

Hopium is a horrible thing. I had my reasons (good intentioned and noble ones but was wrong-headed thinking). I kept my troubles to myself. If I had only reached out and spoken to a good counselor or had CL or CN I might have saved myself a lot sooner. I’m two years post-divorce and I’m much better now, but what a waste of my life—I deserved better. When they tell you who they are, believe them the first time. 30 years folks. Don’t be me.

Michgrace
Michgrace
1 year ago

Yup. If only we would believe when they show us who they are the first time.

Claire
Claire
1 year ago

Married 31 years here, together for 34, met when I was 17 and he 18. 3 x DDs with many other possible betrayals that I keep having lightbulb moments about. FW convinced me the first 2 were ‘just friends’ ughhh!! The final one he denied was anything. He called her a ‘distraction’. I pick me danced for 3 weeks then hung up those shoes. I threw that trash out. FW and distraction now live together, he still denies this even on the divorce documents in court.

It’s been 2 years since the strange began. 18 months since separation. Freedom is about to happen….I can taste it!

The stories are not unique. I am so glad I found CL and CN. This literally saved my life as I found it while searching for how to top myself. I feel so sorry for the woman I was then. I was scared to read the book in the beginning, the ‘leaving’ bit freaked me out. I’d actually bought several books on how to save the marriage ????????‍♀️. One book was about saving the marriage on your own.. Hahahaha. I mean, really.. whatever. What a waste of money. So the last book I read was LACGAL. Wished I’d read this first would’ve saved me dancing like a goodun.

I’m almost on the other side and so thankful for every post I read here. Hugs to you all.

LadybugChump
LadybugChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Claire

LACGAL was the last relationship book I read, too. Filed for divorce about 2 weeks later. This after many many RIC books and lots of money spent on a relationship coaching program. Pretty sure I’ll never read another relationship book, or go to a class about how to do it better. After plenty of that (and counseling) I ended up with Cheater Peter. Did that dmaned pick me dance for 9 whole years. Gheez….

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 year ago

30 years for me and two DDays. At least you’re out. Don’t be hard on yourself. But honestly, I cannot regret those 30 years with the fuckwit because there was a 50-50 chance I could have ended up with somebody worse. You can’t go back and change things so it’s pointless to ‘regret’. We could all have had worse lives. I knew one woman that her fuckwit abusive husband threw gasoline on her and lit her on fire. Other people have lost their lives. You survived and became stronger in spite of the douche that you were married to.

Newlady15
Newlady15
1 year ago

34 here 2 dd that I know of. Big hugs to both of us

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago

“Hopium is a horrible thing”. That is something every chump needs to remember. And our hopium came from big bags of lies from our FWs.

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
1 year ago

Nope, Sgt Sugardick didn’t say a word; he was married with kids, after all. It was my ex-wife’s behavior that tipped me off and, with the aid of gps and voice-activated recorders, I soon discovered all I needed to know.

Ragingmeh
Ragingmeh
1 year ago

Wasband swears to this day that they were just friends but over 1000 texts leading up to his decision to divorce bc “I’ve been unhappy for a while” say different IMO.
In a way, howorker did out him. When he returned from a month long trip from London where Im pretty sure things went to the next level, she friend requested me on FB. I had no idea who she was and only used FB to post pics of 3 year old for friends and family.
He was showing me some pics from his one day off and I semi recognized her from pics and mentioned the friend request. He said..oh yeah…she thought it would be easier to share pics that way……um, it’s my FB? Lol.

So then 2 weeks and 500 texts later when wasband is acting so weird in family vacation, she (I think intentionally) blew up his phone at 11:30 one night. That got my attention and the beginnings of me realizing what was going on went from crawl to warp speed. Wasband was NOT ready for that. Neither was my sanity, but hey whatcha gonna do?

To this day, I think part of the reason he hates me so much is that I found out before he was ready and went into full alpha mode externally while internally I was shutting down fast. I forced a conversation, I forced a conversation w out MC who called him out hard, I prepared for the worst and got set up to move money, change direct deposit. So when he decided it was over and thought he had all the power, I hit him w some whammies:
Ok, this is your decision? For reasons incomprehensible and utterly surprising to me and a third party we’ve been talking to for almost 2 years? Fine. Pack a bag, get out, leave keys and garage opener. Then he freaked out the next day when he saw what I had done with the money. 1/3 left for him. 1/3 taken for me. 1/3 taken for our daughter in “trust”.
So, I guess I owe the AP a small measure of thanks in a way. Nothing like a 2×4 to the brain and soul to force radical acceptance.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Ragingmeh

I love what you did with the money, albeit it was far too generous to FW.

Two days after Dday, I took all the money out of our joint savings and opened a new account in my name only. FW didn’t have the nerve to complain and was all for it as he wa trying to get me to reconcile. He also signed the car over to me. You have to do it fast, while they are still in grovel mode. My lawyer said him giving me his uncoerced, enthusiastic permission means he can’t get any of it back. Them I got him to buy a house deeded 99% in my name (the most the law would allow since we were still married) but the mortgage is in both names. He won’t default. He’s obsessed with his credit rating.
I had no intention of reconciling when he did all this. Suckered him good.

nomar
nomar
1 year ago

Like most male chumps, my then wife’s male APs seemed to have lived in fear their presence might be known. I found out from my then 12-year old son, who’d seen texts his mother had sent. Worst day of my life. The only text I ever sent any of her several APs was when I heard a rumor one (married himself, with two kids under 12) was talking of marrying her. I told him we were still married. He texted back, ungrammatically, “Nobody is marrying anybody.” Today? Of course the two cheaters are married. No tag backs!

GuideDog
GuideDog
1 year ago

Didn’t happen to me. I think it’s more of a female AP MO. I dont think a male AP would ever do that, for fear of being murdered by the husband or at least beaten up. Doesn’t mean it never happened of course, but probably very rare.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
1 year ago
Reply to  GuideDog

I agree, GuideDog. Of course we both know we’re generalizing, but I think male APs most often want to remain a secret, both for fear of retribution as you describe, but also probably because to them, the affair is little more than no-strings sex on the side, and they would prefer to keep it that way.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

Agree, former spouse said to me when trying to convince me he wanted to stay married, “ I don’t want to lose half of everything I’ve worked for my whole life for a piece of ass“…..lovely

Maisie
Maisie
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

Did you say to him- then why did you do it anyway? I am amazed at all the FW’s thinking.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  Maisie

I said did you hear what you just said to your wife? Then came more lies. I don’t want to break up the family, I don’t want to lose you, blah, blah. Oh and the kids don’t need to know about this….

GonnaBeOK
GonnaBeOK
1 year ago

OW’s oldest daughter got her driver’s license, she and sister followed Mom and saw her meet up with Goofy. Poor girls. They told Dad, he wrote me a letter, we talked. If you ever wonder if you should tell the other chump? Do it!

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
1 year ago
Reply to  GonnaBeOK

Those kids are pretty Badass!

Stag
Stag
1 year ago
Reply to  GonnaBeOK

Poor girls but I’m so impressed with their guts.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
1 year ago

How many AP spouses told? That’s how I found out. She came up to me at a Cub Scout meeting. Turns out, I’d helped the AP make breakfast for a cabin full of our kids the winter before. Fun times!

ChumpedBrick
ChumpedBrick
1 year ago
Reply to  TwinsDad

That’s rough. From what I can piece together, I was only told because the AP’s wife was threatening to tell me. Cheating X also said it was to end the affair and try to save AP’s marriage. He’s still married, thankfully, I am not. Apparently not working and living with a FW is better for some people than breaking up the home.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago

In my case it was my (then) husband. He never came out and said it outright (he’s a coward), but he dropped a trail of hints. She was an ex-student in our department (he had taught her in several classes; I knew her because I was department chair and served on her honor’s research committee). He used the professor-student/alumni connection as a cover. While she was a student, she started a Facebook fan club page for him (he told me this, with a self-satisfied air, while saying he didn’t know what to do about it ); after she graduated, the two of them got together for coffee. Unbeknownst to me, she began “helping” him “explore” his alternative gender identity. I knew things had gone further when first, he left me in a T-Mobile store waiting for our new phones to be set up because it was taking so long and he was late for a coffee date with her, and then, later, he began driving to the town she lived in to go to her short spoken word performances, after which he said to me, in a put-upon tone, that he was “finally having fun again.”

EntitledAssholesSuck
EntitledAssholesSuck
1 year ago

This is off subject but I had to share this totally dead on description of what “society” expects of women. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdmEeDtX/

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
1 year ago

Seriously. No wonder women run out of shits to give as they get older. Here’s something in a similar vein. I copied this from Facebook during the beginning of the pandemic:

Relax, mom.

Relax. Just stay home. Except if you need to work. There’s no childcare though. Why would you risk it? Don’t worry about money, your health is more important than your groceries. You can defer mortgage payments. But you shouldn’t because it’s not a good financial choice. You should stay home, though. Unless you’re essential, we need you to work. How could you put your kids at risk though? You should stay home. But keep paying your bills.

Relax. You can just order groceries. Except if you can’t, then go out to get them. Not often though. Don’t go out much. Except it takes 5 stores to find bread. Don’t forget to wash everything you buy. Just eat what you have at home. But also use this time to do lots of cooking with new recipes. Don’t overeat though, be healthy.

Relax. Take vitamins. Keep up the immune system with lots of vegetables. But you shouldn’t go out for vegetables, just stock up on pantry and non perishables. Only the healthy ones though. It’s okay, we are all stressed, treat yourself to some junk food. Not too much. You need to be healthy and fit in your jeans.

Relax. Get exercise, it will help. Drink more water. Just have a glass of wine. Go for walks. Take naps. Keep a schedule. Work from home. But spend more time with your kids. Use this time to get in shape. Don’t stress over it though. Be easy on yourself. Accomplish something new.

Relax. Don’t touch anything. Disinfect everything. Use this time to clean the house. Stop touching your face. Scrub every surface all day. Ensure your toddler practices social distancing. Don’t worry them, though. Wash your hands for 20 seconds. And again. And now all the kids, too. And again. Why did you even bring them outside? Keep them home. Except you’ll need food. Remember all those new recipes you have time to try.

Relax. Make sure your kids have a schedule. But don’t worry, let them be kids. You can homeschool. You don’t need to homeschool, you’re trying too hard, they’ll be fine if they don’t learn. They still need to graduate this year though so make sure they keep up with school work. It will be fine, don’t push them. Let them enjoy home life. Teach them life lessons. And common core. They’ll remember the good times, so don’t worry them and create positive memories.

Relax. Don’t watch the news. Make sure you’re informed. Keep off social media. Stay connected. Try and focus on the positive. But be sure you know how serious it is. Don’t worry needlessly. Don’t take it too lightly. Don’t let the kids see your fear. Don’t bottle things up.

Relax. Don’t hoard. Do you have enough supplies for your family? What if they get sick, do you have medicine? What if you have to isolate, will you be able to feed the kids for two weeks? Don’t worry about it, though, just focus on now. But be prepared, otherwise you’re just being irresponsible.

Relax. Is that a cough? Does your kid feel hot? Is the tightness in your chest anxiety or the virus? Just breathe. But don’t be irresponsible. Stay home if you feel sick. That’s not sickness that’s your fear. Don’t let your kids outside. Don’t leave them home if you go out. Give them fresh air. Keep them home.

Relax. Someone else has it worse. You can’t complain. Learn meditation. Learn a new language. Learn to relax.
But not too much, because these are scary times.

It’s easy.
It will be fine.
Relax.

Movingonfromhell
Movingonfromhell
1 year ago

Yes, the second DD she was the one who dropped the bomb. So he had been having an emotional/physical affair with her for now about 5 yrs. The first dd I found out by catching them playing together on his phone. He did the usual im sorry ill never again I promise to stop drinking and never talk to her again or have sex with her again and counseling. ok so this past Mar 2021 I get a message from an unknown person while I’m lying in bed recovering from surgery. Asking me ” You might want to know what your husband has been doing in NJ the past trips here”. to which I respond so this is &%$$a? Yes yes it is…. So you guys are back to screwing around again? Yes we are…. we only stopped for a couple months when you found out the first time… She was upset that he ghosted her after their weekend together when he went home for his uncles funeral and to be with her and he had been with her over several other trips that were supposedly family related. He promised her the world and when he came home I guess felt guilty. She sent me text messages and emails and I just kept pulling her in for more info. I was done I was devastated and heartbroken but I knew I would never trust him ever again. 32 yr marriage is history we are divorcing and after all she did he ran right back to her and they are together. She deserves everything he puts her through.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 year ago

Be patient. Truly! He will ‘deserve’ everything he got with the skank. It took me a good 4+ years post divorce before I honestly believed that ‘they deserved each other’. Prior to that I kept imagining how happy they were. I kept imagining how wonderful their lives were as they took trips, hung out with ‘our’ friends, etc, etc. Many years later I realized that the insufferable narcissistic fuckwit and his equally narcissistic skank-wife are still the same people now that they were then. And they’re both still the same selfish, entitled, no-compunction-with-hurting-others fuckwits. People do not change who they are. And I’m at peace knowing that I’m no longer an innocent bystander in their carnival shit show.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago

Hugs to you, Moving On….Very sorry for what you have been through. Two thoughts: Wonder what makes AP think she is so special that she is the only one and if she has any sense at all, she knows she is getting a cheater. Either she is not so special or he is DUMB. APs are not relationship material.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago

The OM was to chicken shit to talk with me. I called him numerous times and he would hang up. It actually made his wife suspicious and she called me. I gave her all the information she needed. I think it is a woman thing telling the chump they are cheating with your spouse.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

AP wanted my life that took 36 years to build, he kept moving the bar, she was encouraged by her mother and uncle to get the ball rolling. They had no concept of asset division, smh. They thought I’d be leaving with 0. Dumbasses.

First to file
First to file
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

My wife was banging a single guy, so of course he wasn’t about to give up easy, no-strings sex.

TM
TM
1 year ago

My ex’s AP invited me on bike trips and camp outs. He planned adventures with just me…really wanted to get close to me. Then, when I started putting it all together and confronted him, he said he was leaving us alone to work things out in therapy, wishing us the best. Of course, he never did…motherfucker.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  TM

Wow SMH

Beawolf
Beawolf
1 year ago

Mine did it in the form of a text claiming to be a co worker of both them. The number was from a timed anonymus message service. I wanted her to meet me at HR. She refused. She then wrote a letter. I thought it was strange that a co worker would use a phone # that couldn’t be traced and then she followed up with a letter. No return address, of course. Then it all made sense when the divorce attorney said that 90% of situations like mine were from the AP. She won the dance. Hope she enjoys all the back hair and excessive gas.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  Beawolf

Hahaha.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
1 year ago

Nothing from AP. Found out when he started being very protective of his phone. Fortunately, he never changed the passcode so I got a mountain of info. Made sure I backed everything up. Confronted him, he claimed he would never do it again. We entered the RIC where they wanted me to take blame for just being a bad wife. Then had Dday2 by finding more of their sexting. Confronted him and he went into all the channels ending with he had found his twu wuv. Started lining up ducks when my son found a boatload of more of their videos and pictures on his shared account. He can never unsee this even as an adult. I lawyered up and my lawyer has great evidence due to the FW not being even remotely technical. He tried to put up a fight but once his attorney saw what we had in our wonderful fault state, they decided to try to settle. We will no doubt sign an agreement soon since the court date is looming and they don’t want the mountain of evidence to go on record. My son and I are no contact and that has been a blessing. His 32 years younger Schmoopie has won the pick me dance prize and I am happy with (hopefully) getting a decent settlement and being rid of a FW. Lots in between though and as the chump everything is my fault. Oh well.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago

Hope it goes as expected. My settlement took 2.5 years, gf is 33 years younger. I had lots of office records, pics of his drug paraphernalia, video of her in his personal office saying “I’m don’t believe you until you come home with me”. He was uncooperative whole time but each our lawyers told him I’d parade her around and present lots of evidence. I prevailed. Good luck.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

That might have been her next move. I think she was behind him telling me because what he said (a few days after totally weird wedding anniversary #20) was, “For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about moving out by myself, but I don’t want a divorce.” In one of our truth-laden therapy sessions. WTF does that mean?! I asked him immediately if he was involved with someone and he said no. I put my PI skills to work and found an email to her confirming otherwise.

Then he tells me the only problem with their relationship is that he “always has to leave.” And she, advertising herself as lonely and cool with no-strings sport fucking in her Craigslist Casual Encounter ad, wanted more and was mad at him and issued the ultimatum. Luckily for me, as I may never have suspected the Nice Guy who was my husband was a total fraud and my marriage was a total MIRAGE.

I’m pretty sure he wanted me to hang around as Plan B in case his test drive with her failed. (Plan B was keeping me on around as Wife Appliance and shopping for more dirty secrets he could fuck).

He’s not my Plan A so I could not be his Plan B.

Healthy people do not have affairs or screw around with people in marriages or committed relationships. End of story.

When you find out your married to a malignant brain tumor, surgical removal is your best chance for survival.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

“I asked him immediately if he was involved with someone and he said no.”

Same. Then I asked, “Do I need to be tested for STDs?”
Again, he said, “No.”

A couple days later, when he confessed to the affair, he would tell me that he knew she was “clean,” which is why I didn’t need to be tested.

In all matters, he removed any agency from me. He made choices about my health and wellbeing (present and future) without my input. Like all cheaters, he acted with no regard for me.

In the end, he said he almost stayed with me (after his nearly 3 year affair) but that I acted badly in the last day or two. So you see, I tripped on the dance floor at the last minute (after 35 years of a mirage) while AP was nailing the competition! On pointe and with a killer tutu!!

I doubt x sees anything odd about any of this. He thinks it was his right to sit in judgment of two women and choose. The reason the affair lasted so long is that I was in the running until the end. Lucky me!! By his logic, I should feel flattered.

Anyhow, I’ve had that malignant growth surgically removed. Path report indicates “Section shows an abundance of covert narcissism with entitled, poor character. Succeeded in removing all assholery cells from margins. Patient is clear.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

To be clear, I didn’t know I was in a dance competition. He said he wanted a separation but denied there was another woman. I asked the STD question because I strongly suspected there must be another woman. His coldness during this period chills me even now.

Also, I’m still astonished that he wanted every condolences when he fessed up. I still don’t get it.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

*everyone’s
(Wish there were an edit button. )

Informal
Informal
1 year ago

I’ve seen the long term ow three times to my knowledge. The last time I saw her was when her husband who I went to high school with, came by to see the ex. Ex wasn’t home of course and he wanted me to see his son who even before this point I felt was my ex’s. She gave me a dead eye stare like the ex, pulled down her mirror and fixed her face. I knew.
At that time I was so broken, without self worth, a bit overweight etc. that I didn’t do what my gut wanted me to which was to say he resembles my son when he was little. I had zero proof and ex always denied my questions so I couldn’t blow up her husbands world.
I’m not into reunions but we had one after we left and I couldn’t go even with friends having my back. I didn’t want to see her and her husband. I was at the explosion vomit stage. I thought of sending him paternity test info with a suggestion. The kid was born on my birthday and I used to hope it was a curse reminder but now don’t care because I know nothing bothers him that hurts others. That was the most happy and animated I’d ever seen I’m in our marriage was when he told me she was pregnant and all through it. After the birth he told me she was the best mom ever. I never got anything but a public statement around friends how it changes for the worst. Pure humiliation.
Over the past year circumstances landed and I was given evidence that it’s actually still in full swing. I did take a picture in case I needed it. He was furious in court last year which gave him a time out to recompose when I presented other stuff that was mixed in with it. He knew I knew.
Im not sure why they haven’t gone full on open and don’t care. I used to be jealous thinking she was going to get the life I deserved. Ha ha. I wasn’t ever going to get that life with him. Maybe she accepts she’s a needle in his chaos of prostitutes, porno etc.

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago

Neither of the long-term APs contacted me before I found out about them.
But both of them harassed me after their respective breakups with the ex.
What’s weird to me is that both of them wanted ex back and thought that by stalking me and relentlessly calling and texting, the ex would run back to them.
Wish he had.
It was hard AF to divorce the creep.

LD
LD
1 year ago

Never got that revelation from her. But to say she was and still is afraid of me is an understatement. Well, we’ve been divorced 6 years and they have been married for 5. They deserve each other.

Newlady15
Newlady15
1 year ago

Ok this is not exactly the AP telling but rather her parents outing his evil behavior. I was in my “I must fight for my marriage” stage. I went to confront her parents( “fine” local farm folk in this small town full of farm folk). I thought they might well tell her to stop ( ????‍♀️). They said we were told he was separated for 2 years( to which I held up my hand and said nope, married for 29 years). I could tell they absolutely knew. Then they said he even helped her dad on the farm( instead of coming home to his family). What a fine future scum in law they had!! There are no depths to which they or their flying monkeys won’t go.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  Newlady15

This reminds me…OWs parents are Chinese immigrants to the US and Im not sure that they speak any English. I almost sought out an interpreter to translate something like “Your daughter is dating a married man who has a family. Please make her stop so that he can treat his family properly” . I was concerned that instead the translator would write something like “This anglo woman is batshit crazy and says awful things about your daughter”.

A few years after the affair ended, Cheater told me a story. He said that his father had admitted to him that during a break when his parents were dating, his dad dated an Asian woman whose hand in marriage he asked her parents for. He was told no, so he went back to his old GF (Cheaters mom) and married her.

Cheaters dad always treated his wife as if she was not his first choice, so the story sounded like it held water. Cheater also seemed to occasionally make confessions that were cloaked in some manner. At the time, I took his story as an actual recount of his parents events, but now I wonder if he was maybe trying to tell me what happened with OW.

If I ever ran into OW (unlikely, she lives very far away) I would like to tell her that she was Cheaters great love and they should have been together forever …that it is a shame that he died. I figure that would torment her for the rest of her life.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  Newlady15

A different topic, but your post reminded me of the night he was confessing (ish), he told me that whores parents wanted what was best for her too. (I assume he meant to have him).

I had not yet spoken to my dad (he lived in another state) but I wish I had, because instead of standing there staring at him and saying “and they think her fooling around with a married man is best?” I would have been able to say “yes, and my dad wants what is best for me, and that is to never let you near me again” because that is exactly what my dad said. (my mother had died years earlier).

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

I think one of the main reasons I was so fucked up and stayed with that dick was because of my dad. My dad was abusive to my mother. They eventually divorced after being married for 26 years. I postponed introducing my ‘fiance’ to my dad till just a few weeks prior to getting married. We sat at his desk, me across from my dad on the left and the dick across from my dad on the right. My dad grilled the dick (as if he gave a shit about me) asking him how much he made, how he was going to care for his daughter, etc. And then my dad said to the dick, “If you have to step out, well, she’s just going to have to understand.” And then he said, “And if you hit her, don’t you hurt her, because if you hurt her I’ll kill you.” Post divorce when I was seeing a counselor and I told him this story, my counselor said, “Oh my God! You were groomed to be the wife of this man! He not only told your ex that he could cheat on you, but it was okay to hit you too!” I remember crying and saying, “Why do I still love him?” My counselor said, “Maybe because that’s all you know.” It was true. I grew up with it. If I didn’t live it, I can see where it would be hard to believe.

M
M
1 year ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Oh Amazon Chump, I’m so sorry. They were both so vile!

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Susie:

Your FW showed his stupidness when he indicated that you might care what whore’s parents wanted or about the whore having what she wanted or thought was best. I guess this was maybe just “filler” conversation when FW was reaching for a way to explain why you had to lose him or whatever.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Sorry about your mom. I’m sure it helps to have a parent who supports you leaving, and I salute your dad for it. My dad had died two years before Dday. He would have torn a strip off FW with a blistering take down had he been there and been well. My mom, otoh, wanted me to stay with FW.
I think my dad, even in his sick bed, suspected FW was cheating. After Dday FW told me my dad had questioned him. He demanded to know why FW wasn’t treating me right and accused him of not loving me. FW said he just stood there with his mouth hanging open in shock (like the idiot he is) and didn’t answer him. Fucking coward.

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago

The AP / co worker never outed him directly, but when I called her one night after months of suspicion, she hung up on me.
We had been “friendly” so the hang up was just as good as her saying: I am having an affair with your husband.

Devo
Devo
1 year ago

My kids and I went to Applebee’s, my ex hated Applebees so I took them there as a treat on my day off. The waitress (I’d never met before in my life) said my really hard to pronounce name perfectly, before she had my check, no way she could have known who I was.
I went home and my ex asked if I went to lunch I said, “Yes I went to Applebee’s” That’s where things got weird. He acted like he won something and went on and on about how awesome Applebee’s was. I had a doomed feeling when that lady said my name, but his sudden love for a place a hated before clinched it. So weird.

Tracy
Tracy
1 year ago

I found out via a text I saw on his phone between the two to of them commenting on the fact that I’d be blindsided when I found out… She had been what I thought was my best friend. The only contact from her after I asked her to leave our family alone and let us heal was “she couldn’t help it – she was trying to help my marriage, but she fell for my husband and ‘fell hard”. Those words haunted me for way too long – and I still don’t know what person with morals would destroy a marriage. 3 years out – and I can see more clearly – they deserve each other. She can live feeling insecure with a man that has cheated on his long time wife (me) twice, and he can have a person that has no problem crossing others boundaries.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
1 year ago

on a tangent, and i hope CL isn’t angry about the link, but here’s a friday tiktok. god knows i need a laugh:

https://www.tiktok.com/@useless_farm/video/7081308725104889093?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7069426284144969221

Mighty Sheep
Mighty Sheep
1 year ago

I found out when the police came looking for him. Voyeurism and child porn. So, that was hell.

FriendOfaMightyChump
FriendOfaMightyChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Mighty Sheep

So sorry to hear your story.
My friend found out when she came home from work to find the police in the house. Within a few hours she had got him to confess to child sexual abuse material, online sex with (he claimed) adults, and had kicked his ass to the curb. She then had the truly awful job of explaining to her elementary school aged kids why daddy was leaving and they would never be able to see him again, and later on why he would be going to jail, and why they would have to move house and school to a cheaper area (daddy now being unemployable so couldn’t pay child support), etc etc. Shit sandwiches with a filling of shit sandwiches.

GrievingbutMighty
GrievingbutMighty
1 year ago

Yup. My ex swore up and down that it was just an emotional affair, that nothing physical ever happened. After months of “pick-me” dancing and getting nowhere with him, I decided to file for divorce. A long while later, I received a series of text messages from an unknown phone number. The texts contained screenshots of text messages between my ex and the affair partner (sexually explicit ones of course) revealing that they were in fact having a physical affair all along. Even though the marriage was already over, it opened up the wounds all over again and was a huge set back. But looking back, I’m relieved to have those, because it confirms that I made the right decision leaving him.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago

GbM: Sorry anyone that admits to an EA is already having a physical affair. NO ONE admits all. It is always levels above what they admit to.

Dawn
Dawn
1 year ago

Nope, the AP didn’t tell me, just kept showing up at random places… she’s “Just a friend!” my now-ex screeched! “She’s your friend too!” Uh huh… ok, and so… out of ALL “our” “friends” why is SHE the only one you text daily? Why is she the one you volunteer to help out constantly? Why is HER organization the one that suddenly needs a donation? Why not any of the other worthy organizations that OTHER friends run/donate to/volunteer with? Why is SHE the only friend invited to our neighborhood park after dark to watch the comet with us? Why did she hang around at the park after we left, and why did you turn right around and go back out again “to walk the dog”? Uh huh… her house is where you spent hours “picking tomatoes” as though we don’t have the ability to buy excellent local tomatoes, or hell, you used to grow tomatoes for US, you know, your family. UGH, this is awful to remember. They were both rubbing my nose in it because they both liked the duplicity and it’s disgusting. There was more, but I want to get back to MEH.

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago
Reply to  Dawn

I can certainly relate to the “rubbing my nose in it” statement.
The ex got me to buy gifts and help out both of his long-term girlfriends.
The first one I was never introduced to, she was just a “struggling single mother”.
He forgot to mention that she was single because her husband found out that the ex was banging her in his spare time.
The second one was a neighbor. I initially liked her, but then over the years I saw many shady things she was doing (child neglect, a seeming case of identity theft and obvious drug dealing from her house) and decided that she just wasn’t someone I wanted around me.
I expressed that to the ex, and his passionate defense of her should have clued me in.????‍♀️ I just asked that we slow down and limit any engagement with her as a couple. I didn’t ask to completely shun her, just being less buddy-buddy.
So imagine my surprise when I would come home from work and find her lazy ass lounging around watching television and eating my food. She had a perfectly comfortable couch and plenty of food at her house.
I guess limiting the relationship AS A COUPLE wasn’t something that he would buy into. Wasn’t enough that he was fucking her behind my back, he also needed me to see them interacting, going so far as to ask me for something for her right in front of the whore, really putting me on the spot.
And then of course I later found that they had sex all throughout our house, including in our bed.
I consider this an act of hatred, contempt and absolute disrespect.
So the rubbing your nose in it garbage just adds another layer of “fuck you” to the chump.
On the other hand, makes it easier to turn your back and walk away. At least it did for me.

CMM
CMM
1 year ago

The OW’s husband sent me a message through Facebook that the night before he learned of their affair from her phone and felt the need to tell me. It was five days before Christmas (I have two small children) and I read the message while shopping for Christmas dinner. A moment in life that will always feel fresh with pain.

PhoenixFlame
PhoenixFlame
1 year ago

Rather than telling me, 3 of the multiple Schmoopies (at separate times) sat with me and assuaged their collective guilt by telling me what they had done, where he took them, and what he told them about me (the violent alcoholic who spent so much of his money, we couldn’t get a divorce). All were “engaged” to him (of course, no ring) and were actively making wedding plans (looking at venues, picking out dresses, etc) with their FAMILIES. Meanwhile, he led me to believe we were great and all his absences could be explained by work trips.

Funny, the Schmoopie he knocked up and consequently married actually DOES have a drinking problem, and I haven’t seen her in years (way before D-Day). She’s also been around the longest and is just a pig. A gross, drunk pig.

They must be so proud of each other.

Stress Chump
Stress Chump
1 year ago

My ex never actually admitted anything… she just painfully drew everything out with lies and gaslighting – her AP actually used to follow me round the base reporting on my ‘doings’ he would tell my ex who I’d been speaking to and what I was doing, when he couldn’t find anything bad he started making stuff up like ‘I’d asked someone out’ or that I was ‘meeting with a girl’

He would actually take photos of me and send to my ex about where I was – it was creepy…. The thing is my ex is not really a catch at all …. If she’s have just been honest rather then all the weirdness

Worst of all she sent my young daughter off to stay with her mother while she fucked him in our bed.

When I found all the messages it was like ‘oh he’s a stalker’ and you should ‘not let him see your daughter’

It was a full on smear campaign! I mean this guy could have run for government haha!

My ex never actually broke it off – she just kind of kept doing stuff in front of me till I ‘got the picture’

Someone posted here that their ex posted pictures on Facebook of them together – my ex posted whole albums of them whilst blocking me

‘Something is wrong with Facebook!’

She would say – little did
She know she forgot to delete her auntie of my cousins husband and so we saw it all – it was disgusting

To top it off? She was trying to get pregnant by him whilst we were together and I was none the wiser

FW even proposed before I even knew anything !

Pure evil

IMarriedJudas
IMarriedJudas
1 year ago

A friend of his told me he was trolling for young cheaters on FB. I was stupid and spackling for years, but this hit a raw nerve. Saw a divorce attorney asap.

Stress Chump
Stress Chump
1 year ago

Also why do cheaters do the same thing? It’s absolutely mad –

I caught my wife and her AP at a hotel – she had the gall to say ‘we’re you following me! When I phoned her mum to say ‘I’ve just caught your daughter’ she said ‘I bet you were following her’

Funny thing is I wasn’t – she was just to stupid – crazy thing was afterwards she was like ‘we didn’t have sex’

Riiiiiiight

OnwardAndUpward
OnwardAndUpward
1 year ago
Reply to  Stress Chump

‘It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it that’s the problem’. Straight up DARVO.

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago

For me, it was:
It’s not what I did but how you found out about it.
Caught the ex in several lies and then woke up one night and he was on the phone with a woman. He lied about it.
This was the first one and back when Radio Shack was still a thing.
So I made a recorder for our landline and busted him within two days.
His reaction? Tapping our home phone was illegal and I could go to prison! Yeah, you’re going there when I could burn your world down with one call to your employer (much of the affair took place during his work hours)?
He decided that he would be generous and not report me to the police. His schmoopie wasn’t happy about that decision.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
1 year ago

Schmoopie didn’t tell me, but her best friend stalked my now ex husband and I in a restaurant (both co-workers of my husband). Best friend came up to us and chatted while we had lunch – he seemed nervous. My leg was in a brace for ACL reconstruction surgery I was about to have the next week and she asked lots of questions about my surgery. He filed for divorce a few weeks after my surgery. Early in the divorce process, I received a FB friend request from the best friend I met only once in the restaurant. I didn’t know about Schmoopie, but being that I didn’t know we were having marital issues and now were divorcing, I was very suspicious. I found out about Schmoopie through the frequent flyer account as he used a companion ticket to book her a flight (he denied the affair, of course). Once I had her name, I knew they were coworkers – the best friend was actually her direct report at one time.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

NK4U: Wow. This site is educational. I have never thought about the beans being spilled by a frequent flyer account. No affair of course but he just bought her a ticket……

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

I never officially met her, much to her dismay. She kept trying to finagle situations where she could meet me. She asked FW to invite me to workplace holiday parties, a black tie gala to celebrate some anniversary of something at work, and some concerts “with friends from work.” I turned every invitation down. His coworkers do nothing but drink on social occasions. I don’t drink and I hate watching people get drunk. If I had gone to any of these events I’d have known they were having an affair by the way they looked at each other. I think she wanted me to know in order to create drama. She probably figured I’d get angry and look bad in front of all his colleagues and FW would dump me. She finally succeeded in getting him caught by demanding they go someplace where FW informed her somebody who knew me would be. FW went along with it and was shocked that this person actually told me. He had thought his “friends from work” introduction was going to fly. I’m certain she engineered it to break us up, not because she wanted him for herself (she had no intention of leaving her chump) but just for the sick power trip of knowing she had destroyed a marriage and a family. She had nagged FW about leaving me but he hadn’t, so she found a way to make it happen while still having some deniability that breaking us up was her intention. With FW, that is. He’s that stupid. Everybody else saw right through it. Bitch is a bigger, even more degenerate narc than FW.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OW quite honestly banged every married man in our building, then notified the wives. Google “women who target married men”. Apparently, there are enough of them that the psychology community has finally taken notice. Who would have thought it?

Stress Chump
Stress Chump
1 year ago

I think Chump Lady should do an article about AP’s stalking the OP’s it seems like it so common!

I thought it just happened to me!

Chum(p)
Chum(p)
1 year ago

I am grateful to schmoopie; but then, she didn’t realize she was a schmoopie. He’d left his email open on the family computer and their communication was right there on the screen in front of me. I contacted her and she was devastated, we were devastated together. I felt bad for her. She had no idea he had a family, he’d told her he was divorced and only had custody of his kids on the weekend, which is why he couldn’t see her on weekends. This was pre-covid when he was commuting for work and only home on weekends. Chumpy me had bought his insistence that his kids go to school in our home town, and that he’d be willing to sacrifice for that by commuting to work during the week. He’d been successfully living this double life for a year and a half when I found out.
She sent me plane tickets for places they’d been, photographs, emails, and text logs. She told me she’d be willing to testify in court if I needed that.
She was a lovely person. We decided that he has very good taste in women.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

No. The AP did not tell me.
I met her once at a funeral. X introduced us. I shook her hand and made small talk. That’s it, as far as I know.

After D-Day, the two of them did panic that I might try to contact *her* husband. Both cheated on their spouses. So those two cheaters had had me on speaker in the car when they told me that if I contacted her husband, I would have blood on my hands. X (my personal emotional abuser) added that the AP’s husband was emotionally abusive. So you see, this white knight was trying to PROTECT HER. And I was supposed to be worried about her, too, I guess.

Days later I was accused of calling the guy because the AP’s husband started to accuse her of poor character and entitlement etc…My x said it sounded a lot like the kind of stuff I’d been saying. I can only hope that AP’s husband found CL.

Also, funny how righteous x felt about accusing me of contacting that man. I didn’t. But in x’s mind, it’s as if my contacting that guy would have been just as bad as having a multiyear affair. Such effed up thinking.

Ugh. I’m upset all over again.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“Met her at a funeral”…oddly enough, before I knew she was also banging my FW, he insisted we attend the funeral of OW’s son. At that time, I knew OW was banging the doctor who employed her. I was horrified that she had that doctor acting as pall bearer while her unfortunate husband was burying his only son! I remarked on it, that I had never seen such an instance of disrespect and hatefulness – and my FW, already in her clutches, said absolutely nothing. I can’t stop thinking about that episode. I was baffled that I had to attend a funeral of a child I didn’t know, from a family I didn’t know, but FW said “The whole building is going”…I wonder to this day how many of her APs were there, eyeing her unfortunate husband. He’s got to be the unluckiest man in the county.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

Wait. What? Let me get this straight:
So she was having an affair with a doctor when her husband’s son died.
She got that doctor, the one she was fucking, to act as a pall bearer, which is beyond gross.
And then (some time later?) she started screwing your x. Also gross.

And your x was well aware that she was the kind of person to have her AP carry the coffin of her husband’s son and that she was also someone who’d had an affair already with another doc.

I don’t understand these people.

It’s like a bad soap opera.

I’m so sorry you experienced all of that. Ugh. And that woman’s poor husband. Jesus.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

That’s exactly how the situation unfolded. She was working for the doctor whose office was across the hall from our office. I think the men in the building passed her around, and I know for a fact that she caused two divorces by contacting the wives of the men she was banging. My husband knew of her behavior, except maybe he didn’t know she told the wives. He certainly looked surprised when she phoned me as I lay beside him in our marital bed at 1130 at night. She is a disgusting predator and he’s a damned fool. Her husband, who has remained with her through it all, is a long distance truck driver and away from home Monday through Friday. I was told that the doctor who acted as pall bearer gave her $30,000 and I know our business was short $100,000 while the affair was in progress. The doctor in the office beside ours fired her for “stealing”…yeah, and his wife divorced him too. A predator and a building full of over educated idiots.

MEJ
MEJ
1 year ago

The AP messaged me on Facebook, but informed the fw she was going to do it. She was already done with him, but found it distasteful that he was flirting with her best friend. Bc she messaged me, he told me that night.

I’m so thankful this girl (18) decided to take no shit, bc I am now free from all of it. I did reach out to her after to tell her how much I appreciated being told and I wish her the best. The fw (53) is a gross human and neither of us deserved his manipulative BS.

Stephanie
Stephanie
1 year ago

No and still denies it to this day even though he was supporting her before we divorced, bought into her house with her kids and lives with her. This was after a 30yr relationship. He don’t need to say a word, so much information is out there and social media was the way I found out, along with some people who were real friends.

Olderwiserstronger
Olderwiserstronger
1 year ago

In 2009 I was contacted via email by a woman asking if she knew my (then) boyfriend. They had been chatting online for about 6 months and things had just got ‘serious’ (and physical) and she decided to look up his ‘roommate’ on Facebook to confirm we were just that. To her credit she ended things with him immediately upon learning the truth (he and I had been together 3 years at the time) and she even sent me all their chats (which I thought I wanted to see. Was pretty painful to read but I was young and dumb). Here’s where I get dumber: I sought ‘counselling’ and forgave him. He told me all the pretty words and I was too insecure (and afraid of ny biological clock) not to fall for them. We got married in 2011, and had kids in 2015 and 2019. I’m here because obviously he’s done it again. Thankfully this time I am older, wiser, stronger, and have daughters to protect. This time I am filing for divorce.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

((hugs)) to you OldWiserStronger