I just found proof and eventually received a disclosure from my boyfriend of 1.5 years that he has been cheating on me with prostitutes since the very beginning of our relationship.
What hurts the most is this is not my first rodeo. My ex-husband did the same throughout our entire marriage unbeknownst to me. I filed for divorce after discovery and entered 3 years of therapy. I entered the relationship with my boyfriend slowly and carefully and asked a lot of questions! Including, have you ever been with a prostitute? And he lied.
He seemed so great! He was the opposite of my cruel, and angry ex-husband. He was also so sweet and offering to help everyone. Even devoted his life to a nonprofit. I thought I got it right this time! I feel blindsided.
I can’t believe I am here again. It was like deja vu as he sat there during disclosure saying all the same things my ex-husband did. “It’s not you. You’re perfect. I would’ve done this to anyone. This has been a problem my whole life. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” Blah blah blah.
What is wrong with me Chump Lady? How do I break this curse?
Dear Double Chump,
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you! There’s something wrong with your boyfriend.
He’s been doing this his whole life? And… he was going to mention it… never? Just go on risking your health? Feigning commitment? Like it’s not cheating if you purchase them?
Despite your tragic encounters with two douchebags, all men don’t buy sex, okay?
You know what buying sex says about your “sweet, devoted” boyfriend? He loves a power imbalance.
He loves knowing he fucks sex workers and you don’t know.
He loves buying women. They don’t have needs, just payment plans. He can be as selfish as he wants to be. They’re just cum receptacles. No reciprocity required. No conversation. No messy emotions.
He is okay fucking someone who has zero sexual attraction to him. They feign it (or not). That’s a turn on for him — the utter lack of mutuality.
He is okay knowing that person may have been trafficked. Go read Nicholas Kristof’s The Children of PornHub.
I could go on, but then I’d be summoning the ghost of Andrea Dworkin on a ouija board. My point is, DC, HE IS THE FREAK here. Not you.
You don’t have a tractor beam for pathetic limp-dick Johns. There are just, unfortunately, too many pathetic limp-dick Johns in the world. Why? Because there are a huge amounts of systemic entitlement around fucking.
Choose any topic, and the Holy Right to Jizz Without Consequence is sacrosanct. Child support enforcement. Women’s reproductive freedoms — unwanted pregnancy is never pinned on the man’s irresponsible ejaculations. Prostitution — only the sex workers are criminalized, not the Johns or the pimps. Child marriage.
My point is — these two men formerly in your life are two entitled, ugly men. You don’t control them, you just control you. I don’t have a magic spell to break this curse. There’s just you and what you’ll tolerate.
When you knew, I hope after disclosure, you dumped him. I hope you tell people WHY you dumped him. Same with your ex. If we want to challenge the Holy Right to Jizz Without Consequence, we have to talk about it.
Oh, they don’t want to be shamed? You don’t want gonorrhea. They can fuck right off.
“It’s not you. You’re perfect. I would’ve done this to anyone. This has been a problem my whole life. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
It totally means he doesn’t love you. He was a-okay risking your health to get his dick wet.
He loves his dick.
May they grow old together in a sticky puddle on the sofa.
DC, go find a real man.