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UBT: ‘Sorry I Was So Lame’

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Dear Chump Lady,

I thought I had reached meh 3 1/2 years after D-Day till I received this email from FW the other day: blah blah I got a new girlfriend etc then he said:

“I wish it had worked out with you and me, but we both know that’s done, and honestly, I would do it again with you if I could. We could have been good for each other, and I wasn’t capable then of giving you what you need. But people don’t change overnight, and sometimes it is important to wait. I am sorry I was so lame for you. You were totally right. By the way, I finally read all of the sexual improvement books you kept giving me. It really helped, thank you.”

How the heckfire do I respond to this?? Lame?? He wasn’t lame. He is a 61 year old man who had multiple girlfriends he met while hanging out at a Grateful Dead cover band bar by the beach (where he also blew through all our money). He told our 7 and 9 year olds that he wanted to get a divorce from me so he could have a girlfriend — and then thanked our 7 year old for “advising him to get a girlfriend.” Of course my son never said that!

MANY more examples of crap like that. Also he smoked weed and drank whisky and went on rages and I had to take the kids away to a friend’s house or a hotel till the next day. And to top it all off, after we separated and while the kids and I were on a vacation camping in Hawaii, he moved to a different state *and took our dog with him* and he let us know he had moved by sending us a text. And ewwww gross, I do not want to know about his sex life with his lady friends! I mean, I could go on and on and on. Lame?? Argh I just want to blow up his email and tell him just how lame AF he really is.

How do I respond? Do I just ignore the email? Write him back and set some clear boundaries and tell him never to write like that to me again? Or do I write the pissed off email I have composed in my head?

Thank you,

Srsly Chumped

***

Dear Srsly Chumped,

You don’t respond. Never feed the fuckwits.  But you can toss that delightful morsel of crazy to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

I wish it had worked out with you and me,

I has a sadz. I sit alone on the beach and howl “Ripple” at the moon.

but we both know that’s done, and honestly, I would do it again with you if I could.

“It” meaning marriage, screwing around on you, children, dog stealing, bad Jerry Garcia impressions. But we both know that’s done. Well, you do. I’m casting about hoping to ensnare you with my pathetic email.

We could have been good for each other,

In that I-fuck-Grateful-Dead-cover-band-groupies-and-you-manage-my-life kind of way.

and I wasn’t capable then of giving you what you need.

Passed out, as I was, in a pool of vomit and sand. Dreaming dreams of sweet Sugar Magnolias.

But people don’t change overnight, and sometimes it is important to wait.

I was going to get up and be a better man! But you didn’t wait! That’s why I had to pre-emptively move to another state with the dog. Because of your impatience!

I am sorry I was so lame for you.

The Grateful Dead cover band groupies are completely accepting of me.

You were totally right.

I will not give you the satisfaction of saying what exactly you were right about. The time, the weather, my feeble man-child soul patch. I just imagine this is what every woman wants to hear: “You were totally right.”

After a lifetime of being dismissed, talked over, and underestimated, “You were totally right” is catnip to the ladies. Thank you institutionalized sexism!

You were totally right. About that thing. Now suck my dick.

By the way, I finally read all of the sexual improvement books you kept giving me.

I could’ve watched a Youtube video, but I’m man of letters.

Thanks for improving my sex life with books. Please imagine all the Kama Sutra positions I’m trying with nubile young beach bunnies. I’ll be imagining it too, because erectile dysfunction.

It really helped, thank you.

Don’t you miss helping me? I miss that.

****

Please don’t respond to this crap. Silence is the best response. Let him wonder.

Or in the words of a fuckwit: “Sometimes it’s important to wait.”

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “I’ll be imagining it to, because of erectile dysfunction.”

    That’s amazing. Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh!

    • Also:
      “After a lifetime of being dismissed, talked over, and underestimated, “You were totally right” is catnip to the ladies. Thank you institutionalized sexism!

      You were totally right. About that thing. Now suck my dick.”

      UBT, you are the most hilarious, snarkiest, cleverest thing EVER. (Non-human mechanical thing. Human award for that goes to Chump Lady of course.)

    • Yup.

      What He’s Hoping You’ll Translate This To: “I’m not desperate, but I would totally take you back, I’ve finally become less of a shit, and also I’ve gotten better in bed.”

      What It Actually Means: “I’ve burned through all my other options and I figure it’s worth seeing if I can use for for a bit more of something (house, money, cooking, sex, whatever else I can get from you).”

  • You are not lame, he’s the lame one!

    PS: he must have a prescription for some sort of superdosed Viagra and testosterone replacement to have multiple girlfriends at 61. SMH.

    • Unless SC has actually met these “multiple girlfriends” I’m betting they they either don’t exist, or they’re online “girlfriends” who are actually catfishing him and scamming him for money.

      • OMJesusLord, Schrodinger’s Chump. I never even thought of that — that his gfriends were imaginary. My mind is blown. And I think you are RIGHT. I always thought, who tf would be sleeping with him? Not, he’s probably lying about this. Argh, another example of the snake charm of the narcissist. Not any more!!!!

        • Yup,yup, yup. I wondered the same thing with mine. It just didn’t make sense that young women were so entranced by a 55y/o, dumpy, bald guy who played the shy “I’ve never done this before” act. A bit of digging revealed the financial devastation. Every single one was a ridiculously overpaid whore. That’s where the money goes.

          • “Every single one was a ridiculously overpaid whore”

            Who he had a really, really, authentic and loving relationship with. 😂😂😂

    • There’s that drug that gets injected directly into the penis aa well that was featured in the film The Assistant. The ptotagonist had to stock vials and vials of it in the office fridge and then hunt around the office for used syringes after the boss “interviewed” actresses.

      I wondered why the movie.wasn’t categorized as “horror.”

    • if by “girlfriend” he means his own hand with lipstick on it, then yes, it’s a girlfriend. I don’t buy it!

    • My money’s a 50/50 split on whether his girlfriends are imaginary.

      Sadly I’ve learned there’s no shortage of women out there who are desperate or brainwashed by society telling us singledom is a disease and we NEED a man, any man. Every unwashed scrub I’ve dodged still managed to find a girlfriend, even ones that were clearly out of his league.

  • Don’t respond to that. He’s hoping you will. It’s full of baiting. “I finally read all those sexual improvement books!” He wants you to feel jealous he “improved” for his new girlfriend and ask about it (pick me dance 3.5 years later.)

    “Sometimes it’s better to wait.” He means you. Now he’s fixed! Come on back now!

    “Sorry I was so lame for you.” He’s still lame. He wants you to feel jealous he “improved” for other people and he wants you to think he’s good now so you’ll start dancing for his attention.

    This is an attempt at hoovering and cake-eating in one bullshit email. Ignore it and block him.

  • I laughed out loud reading this..,
    “Passed out, as I was, in a pool of vomit and sand. Dreaming dreams of sweet Sugar Magnolias”

    This image that comes to mind of Grateful Dead cover band groupies, had me laughing even more.
    It’s a good thing he moved away.. Let’s hope he stays there.

    .

    • Graeful Dead cover band groupies is a pretty low group to troll from. Wow. Can you imagine those prize winners?

      Klootzak moving to another state is my dream but I will settle for him going to the exact opposite end of the one I’m in. Which is what he is planning. He won’t take the dog because caring for a pet = work. A FW moving far away is the best scenario. What a gift.

  • Phishing expedition. And like all phishing attempts, you see it for what it is–an attempt to separate you from your resources (in this case emotional as well as financial)–delete it, and go on with your life.

  • FWs are masters of underselling and minimizing, aren’t they? “Sorry I was lame” or “Meh, we just drifted apart, no biggie.” I remember wishing for my FW to.. y’know… just admit that he did horrible, horrible things but he was always on the “it’s not a big deal; you’re weird for making it a big deal train.”

    Best gift I ever gave myself was No Contact. Don’t respond to that letter.

    • “FWs are masters of underselling and minimizing” — thank you for this lesson! That really helps make clear what’s going on here. I will def. take your advice! No response.

      • I seriously hope you’ve already divorced this guy. He sounds like a nasty POS that will keep hounding you for whatever he wants at the time he wants it.

    • OMG this Fourleaf! Underselling, minimising…but also turning into complete and utter blame-shifting. I got, gee, what’s the big deal, fucking strange for most of our marriage, lying, stealing, cheating? Gosh, you’re sensitive. No wait! All that, PLUS it’s your fault. I’m trying like hell to get to no contact. In the final throes of the legal settlement but I’m worried that he will still find ways to mess with me. I’ve already told our daughter that it’s best if I don’t have to deal with him in any way so she’ll have to make her own arrangements to see him. When he emails me about flying her down for a visit, I don’t respond and I just tell my girl that, “sure, I don’t mind if you fly down then. Go ahead and let your dad know.” She really wants me to do it, but I just can’t. The problem is, he really, really believes he’s done nothing wrong…

  • 61 with a 7 year old. It looks like the letter writer was his toy also before she aged out, in his mind not hers. She sounds sincere enough, he is still the cheater.

    • I wondered about this too. Grandpa daddy. He was 54 when his child was born. I’m also 54. My eldest is 34, my youngest , 18. I couldn’t fathom having a baby at my age. This beach bum-bar fly sounds like he is a lifelong man-child. Yuck.

  • SC,

    In his addled Cheater mind he wrongly thinks that he that he is still central to your universe. Were it not for the fact that there is likely to be some degree of co-parenting going on here – you mention having 2 children – I would suggest blocking his deluded ar*e on every form of communication and being done with it. Since you probably can’t block him out of existence and a snarky response along the lines of “since the universe has no centre, you can’t be it” will give him the centrality he clearly craves, just don’t respond.

    And while you are at it – if you need the reassurance – calculate the days until you can drop the rope completely. In my case, once our youngest completes her secondary education (her A Level results are due in August this year) I plan to go complete radio silence with Ex-Mrs LFTT ….. and f*ck me I know that I will have earned it.

    LFTT

    • LFTT – this is awesome advice: “a snarky response along the lines of ‘since the universe has no centre, you can’t be it’ will give him the centrality he clearly craves, just don’t respond.” Actually had that conversation with him once where he literally argued that he *is* the center of the universe because physics. I do have to co-parent with him but this email was a wake-up call about just how much I am still enabling him, for example by organizing all the children’s flights to see him. If I don’t organize, he doesn’t do it, and the kids are sad b/c they don’t get to see him. They’re old enough (11 and 13) and we have been having important conversations about how he needs to step up and if he doesn’t, their job isn’t to start enabling him too! He’s a grown ass man!

      • SC,

        Best of luck with the co-parenting, although having 7 years to push will feel like a lifetime.

        As you’ve identified, you need to strike a balance between being a good parent who enables their children to have a relationship with your Ex and being the one who does all of the work. This is pretty hard at the best of times. Ex-Mrs LFTT has bared lifted a finger as far as our 3 children are concerned since she left 7 years ago, although her Instagram (I am told, as I don’t go there) portrays her as a serious contender for “Mother of the Year” for the last 7 years running. The kids were 18, 16 and 11 when she left to be with her AP, and are now 26, 23 and 18. I racked up some serious mileage in the early days of our separation/divorce to make sure that they maintained some form of contact with her. Fast forward to now and the youngest two still live with me (eldest lives and works in London); all 3 work on the principle that if their mother wants to see them, then she knows where they live. She doesn’t make the effort ery often.

        LFTT

      • OMG do not organize flights or manage anything else for a FW! Not ONE THING! That is HIS JOB as a parent. He FIRED you from the wife job, in spectacular fashion! He can ASK you FIRST what dates are good for YOU before HE buys tickets. If he doesn’t do any of it, he doesn’t see his kids! Period!

        I have gone so far as to say if ex FW doesn’t check with me first then it doesn’t matter what plans he makes, there will be no visitation. My SA spells out that summer plans get hashed out by April. I want a weeks notice for visitation otherwise. I have to enforce it or he would ask for day before or day of. This is an important boundary.

        My ex decided to take zero responsibility for the day to day grind of raising kids, abandoned them and thereby dumped it all in my lap —because he knows I won’t fail those kids. I owe that cheater FW not one thing. No loss to the kids either—they quickly see that ex spends minimal time, thought and effort on them, no bad mouthing necessary! Stop covering for him! Seriously, co-parenting with CheaterFWs is impossible. The best you can do is parallel if you have 50/50 and live in the same place. Honestly, I just parent and do my thing and he steps in to do something fun once in a blue moon. Which has honestly been nothing since Christmas.

      • You may be worried about your kids having a father in their life but your ex is a terrible father figure. By booking and organizing the flights you are in fact covering up for your ex. Yes, your kids will be disappointed but they should know the truth about dear old Dad. When he is no longer able to care for himself (and that time will come) he’ll guilt them into taking care of him in his old age. The kids will still be so young and shouldn’t be burdened taking care of an old louse that was a rotten father.

        • YES to the above.

          Please do not answer the email!!

          Often chumps will come up with and post killer responses but their mostly for our amusement and not for you to actually send!

          Use parent scheduling software and then block his emails. Anything he has to say should be done through the software.

          Please, please don’t schedule flights or anything else that enables him to appear more than he is. It may sound cruel for your children but showing them who he really is now while you can comfort and teach them is actually a gift.
          To have to learn these hard lessons about a manipulative father when their older and on their own is much harder for them. They won’t be prepared to turn him down when (not if) he asks them for money or help. They will have only known the fantasy father. Teach them how to deal with lame people who take zero responsibility for their life. There are plenty of those out there and this is an opportunity to make them aware and stronger. They will understand what boundaries are.

          It sounds like you’ve come so very far in getting away and building a life. Help them do that too!

      • You know what sends the message that your kids won’t enable your ex? You not enabling him either.

        He fired you from the job of managing his life, including his relationship with his own children. Let him succeed or fail on his own. Let’s be honest, he’s gonna fail, but that’s his problem, not yours.

        And frankly, while I’m sure your children will be disappointed at his failure (they’re almost certainly ALREADY disappointed in him now – kids are smart and see everything), they’ll be healthier in the long run the less time they spend with this abusive manchild. He’s modeling dysfunction for them.

  • Srsly, I missed the part where he raised the subject of the money he owed you or the custody/visitation with (his?) children. Don’t respond to his self absorbed missive, copy the email for your legal files, protect your children from unsupervised visits if he is still drinking and abusive.

  • “You were totally right. About that thing. Now suck my dick.“

    Thank goodness I work from home so no one saw me blow coffee through my nose. UBT must have some extra lebkuchen for that one.

  • This FW sounds a lot like the old guy in Some Kind of Heaven, the documentary about The Villages in Florida. He was living in his van, looking for a woman to let him move in with her and support him. Sadly there were many willing to, but when he talks his way into one’s house he doesn’t like being “tied down” to just one woman. Ewwwww. He was gross.

    • I think it is so sad how many desperate women there are; and I don’t mean that as an insult to women in poverty. But reality is many will exchange sex for assets, and to get themselves a meal ticket.

      I am sure there are plenty of women who are not desperate and just like screwing married men, but honestly how many women women with good jobs and are decent in actions and demeanor have to settle for a married man. They don’t have to they can compete for successful single men.

      Taking emotion out of it; I try to put myself in their place and though I have been dirt poor; I have never whether it be sex, or theft or conning, given up my self respect by any of those antics.

      But, I always had the support of a loving family. Did they give me a lot once I was grown. No, but I always knew if things got bad, I had a home and three squares. But also I was taught from the cradle to have self respect, I learned to live on very little, how to manage money etc; so maybe a lot of these women didn’t have that. If you don’t learn a lot of these things when you are young, I imagine it can be easy to fall into desperate situations.

    • Oh I need to watch that hot mess. The Villages is everything that is gross.

      It cracks me up knowing that a former pastor moved to the Villages (this was in the 90s before the world knew).

  • This could be a post from my mom about bio-dad…30 years ago. Trust me dear old dad sucked until the day he died. I stayed no contact, but my brothers didn’t. Bio-dad just managed to screw them up even more; which they are now in therapy for. Don’t hop aboard the crazy train, just let it whiz on by!

  • I laughed when he got to the part about sex improvement books. So the guy is a cheater who is also shit in bed. I’m sure his “girlfriends” are all over that. Go ahead and compose a withering response in your journal or a word document that you then delete. Sometimes just getting it out helps. But CL is absolutely correct, there is no harsher response from you than deafening silence.

  • The part about how the books she suggested helped his sex life (with other women!!) just completely made me break down laughing!!!

    How stupid can you be to think that’s going to pass as a compliment?

  • They have a Raiders of the Lost Ark-final-scene warehouse of secrets and lies, with new additions daily, and they want intel
    and information and explanations and communication?

    It took me a while to catch on but I decided to take a page from the cheater playbook and clam up. I am now a human Enigma machine when it comes to him, speaking only the absolute bare minimum necessary, mostly via email, concerning child and business. It’s Cheater Wordle; do I need to say something and how can I say it in as few words as possible?

    Brevity is the soul of wit, and silence is truly golden.

    Maybe reply with some links to memory care convalescent hospitals?

    My cheating boyfriend when I was a senior in high school was so awful to me, yet he actually left a letter at my parents house….EIGHT YEARS LATER….wanting to get together. (He was getting divorced). The letter waxed rhapsodic about All The Good Times We Had Together. I have no idea who he was talking about.

    It really is best if people who are cool with cheating to stick to their own species.

    • I agree with giving the barest minimum response necessary. Sometimes no response is necessary. This is just a word salad full of declarative statements. Yay him. He has a keyboard and internet connection. Unless his message is about the immediate care of your children or coordinating parenting time, you can really ignore everything else. It’s actually empowering to get a long rant from my ex and just leave it in read.

      • Schrodinger’s Chump and Velvet Hammer – “It’s actually empowering to get a long rant from my ex and just leave it in read” and “It’s Cheater Wordle; do I need to say something and how can I say it in as few words as possible?” I absolutely love this – I am definitely going to follow this advice as well! I am soooo going to clam up. Honestly wouldn’t have realized this till you said it: “there is no harsher response from you than deafening silence.” This is awesome.

        • I think it’s hilarious when they ask for info yet are a massive walking talking unopened Pandora’s box of secrets.

          I was always so forthcoming and honest with thoughts and feelings and info, and when the blinding pain subsided I thought, “Hey, wait a minute. You want answers and info? You first, AH. And until you clean up every single lie you told about me, in the presence of the person you told it to, plus have made whatever amends can possibly be made, don’t even think about asking me for compassion and forgiveness.” (Which he has).

          In the meantime, I have forgiven. Like a bank. When a bank forgives a loan, they let you keep the money but they won’t loan you any more.

          • Yep exFW trolls the kids and social media for clues now because I’m clammed up tighter than Ft. Knox. Kids have decided between themselves that each person can talk about their own stuff with him if they want, but do NOT disclose information about your sibs, mom, or other family members. The older ones won’t take ex’s calls or texts, much less visit. But minor kids have a ways to go so good practice for them.

            ExFW followed me several states away after separation (ostensibly the excuse he gave his work was to be with the kids, but interestingly enough did not visit). The SA states that I am to have contact info for him at all times (name/address/email) for sake of the kids. But as soon as our marital home was sold, he was in the wind. He refused to give me anything other than his cell phone. Made it difficult to serve him, or file a restraining order, or do anything legal including school contact info—so was forced to get him served prior to a visitation. The address he finally gave was a studio apartment which I think is a shell—I think he is living with the woman-of-the-moment, so still a lie. Plus side of that is that a studio has no place for kids so overnights are out of the question at least for now.

            CL reminds us constantly about reciprocity in relationships. FWs give none, past, present, future. Information is power and food for manipulation for them. They won’t share anything real about themselves but will mine for your info for future mind-effing. No-contact is best and grey-rock for the kids. And no is a complete sentence. Thank you CL and CN, you give me strength and the courage to try to be stand my ground on my own two feet and be mighty.

            • What I find rather comical and, what’s the word, lame, is that x sends occasional snail-mail letters to his adult kids, clearly reaching out and desperate for a response but doesn’t include his return address (for his new place). It’s a bit of a mixed message.

              Honestly, I think when he saw that I was hiding my new address from HIM, he decided that two can play at this game so began to withheld his…from the kids and me. That said, he must know that I have his because it’s on documents I’ve received.

              Whatever. None of this makes sense.

              I can’t even fathom what goes on in his disordered mind.

              Bottom line: I’ve no doubt he’s enraged that his emails and letters go unanswered. He feels entitled to their attention! The last time I felt the need to respond to something, I answered with only two words. I don’t owe him anything.

              • Doesn’t sound like a mixed message at all, I’m afraid.

                His goal is harassment: Unsettle you and the kids, keep you guys bothered and thinking of him, but you can’t respond because you can’t find him because HE has not ALLOWED it. It’s another power play for him.

                “You dare move on with your lives? I’m still important! And I’ll SHOW YOU that I’m still the center of the universe by disrupting your lives and making demands you can’t possibly answer because I refuse to share my address. See?? I’m the all powerful Oz!”

                As a bonus, he can also sob to whatever sycophants he still has in his harem that his mean kids don’t talk to him, probably because his mean ex-wife turned them against him.

          • “You want answers and info? You first, AH. And until you clean up every single lie you told about me, in the presence of the person you told it to, plus have made whatever amends can possibly be made, don’t even think about asking me for compassion and forgiveness.”

            This EXACTLY

        • I grew up in a disordered family and can now spot freaks from a mile away. TRUST ME when I say silence is the worst response you can ever give. It drives fuckwits mad. It shatters their ego, and along with it the delusional fantasy in their head that they’re God and you must still wait with bated breath for their return.

          Even a smart-ass response still makes them feel important. “She still feels something! After all, she responded!”

          But silence? Horrible. Enraging. Emasculating. Your silence tells your ex he isn’t the playboy he thinks he is, but a nonentity.

          I was a magnet for disordered people until I got into therapy and fixed my picker. I learned the fastest way to get rid of these freaks is indifference. One guy lost his mind and stalked me for a year but gave up when I gave him absolutely nothing. I guess he got bored of raging at (begging, wheedling) a blank wall.

    • >My cheating boyfriend when I was a senior in high school was so awful to me, yet he actually left a letter at my parents house….EIGHT YEARS LATER….wanting to get together. (He was getting divorced). The letter waxed rhapsodic about All The Good Times We Had Together. I have no idea who he was talking about.

      What IS it about the eight-year mark that makes terrible exes try hoovering back? Does it take eight years to burn through your average rolodex and start over again?

      I once got a text out of the blue from an unknown number waxing poetic about “us” and claiming to miss me. I sincerely thought it was a wrong number and said so. Surprise! It was actually a horrible ex from eight years previous.

      Of course I recognized the name as soon as he identified himself, but I had a brain fart and accidentally typed, “Who?”

      Never heard from him again.

  • I’d be very tempted to respond by sending him the brilliant UBT
    It’s, as always, pure brilliance.
    CL can see through and cut through bullish-t with laser beam accuracy.
    I’m so sorry you had & have such heartache with this FW. The gut punch of infidelity and betrayal and loving and trusting a Cheater then having your world turned upside down on D-day puts a special kind of stain on your soul – it has for me- finding humor in the antics of these idiot men, especially through the UBT, provides comic relief that always gives me strength. Sending you best wishes for a good life- try to keep giggling at these foolish child-men.

  • Ah, the miracle of modern medicine. I wonder who’s paying his bills now.
    He’s broke, hon, and is on a fishing expedition. Thinks his dangly part is attractive bait. Small, skinny, slimy and rusty hook. Fish swim away silently when they smell bad bait. Be the fish. They don’t try to educate the fisherman.

  • If there was ever something to be ignored this it. It’s a fishing email designed to both get him kibbles and see if you’ll respond. After all, he’s eventually going to need a nurse and it’s unlikely his girlfriends will be interested. Would you like to be plan B?

    I got all kinds of fishing emails after my divorce. I responded to exactly one and that was business related. Eventually they stopped, but I also blocked him.

    • Yep, I think mine was hoping to set me up as the side piece after he married whore.

      After all he just knew I would never get over his awesome self. After the D was final, I ran in to him once at a fast food place. I was picking up lunch for me and my co worker.

      He came up smiling to talk, and I just politely said hi, and walked out the door. I think after that he finally got it in his head we were not going to be “friends”.

      I ran into to him at a couple family events for grandchildren years later, and did the nod and escape thing. Whore usually said hi, and he usually ducked his head and avoided me. He never did look me in the eyes again.

    • It is funny because my mother in law said, when she realized that we were not going to recon that “I (Susie) would have taken care of him if he got sick”

      I am not trashing my mil, as we were close; but I just remember thinking it was odd that she would think of that. I do know that she realized he was heading for disaster and she like me was unable to stop it, and we both tried.

  • I don’t know what it is about these idiots wanting to tell you about their sex with a whore.

    The day my fw was dumping he got all gushy and said “the first time we did it was in the back seat of my squad car”

    I was in total shock, going into a semi coma and he had the gall to tell me that. We weren’t even talking about sex. I just said something like “I am your wife, you don’t tell me something like that”.

    Can’t remember exactly as I was stunned and not thinking clearly, but I heard every word he said as he verbally smashed me into the floor.

    • Similar experience here, too. He wanted to gush about how great the sex was……like we were best friends and I would be excited to hear about his new toy. I kept throwing my hands up in front of him and saying, “Stop!” I did it at least twice before he gave up. Guess I really was unfixable huh? That’s how he looked at me – like he had tried, yet again, to talk to me about something important in his life and I AGAIN, I was unreceptive. How could he be expected to live with that?

      Fuckwits live in their own disease. Thanking the universe for chump nation today!

      • Susie and tallgrass – We were their best friends, maybe their only close friend, and they have no one else to talk to about this. So they talk to us. Because they are beyond selfish and beyond empathy. The disrespect is disgusting.

      • My STBXW raved to her sister about how great the sex was with her Schmoopie, and how the fact that he was >10 years younger than me really made a difference. At the same time she kept emphasizing how terrible I was in bed – as if that justified her decision to cheat. The shallowness of these people is really mind blowing!

      • I wonder if this information is a weapon meant to inflicted pain and is the central reason for it being brought up.

        The books on sexual improvement that she gave while a couple he says are now read and used to please some other woman (women). He is saying in essence thank you through her books he is now a great lover….it’s really a backhanded slap under a disguise as a thank you. Also when he says they could of made it work if he were at the plateau he is now. This plays into many a partner’s mind that are haunted after leaving with the question maybe they will be that perfect mate for the schmoopie. Better, faithful, and changed and left wondering that if they just held on to hopium longer or went to counseling for another year this would be their dream Unicorn and live happily ever after. One really good Chump Nation truth to remember is the myth of Unicorns. They are the same selfish lovers, same low life character etc…

  • Yes, don’t respond. If your gut says that it will fire him up in a bad way if you don’t, say something like, “Thanks for sharing your thoughts.”

    Mine was in such denial. As if a sixty-something man running off to the beach was completely normal. When I asked for a separation, I hoped that he’d invest the time to do something productive for our family, but he went off to reinvent himself. His family even joined him for a party at his new place once he settled in which of course showed how enabling they were.

    My attorney had forty-plus years in family law and commented many times on how immature my ex was. His attorney (also older) got disgusted with the whole thing and told my attorney just how much he despised his client.

    By the time closeout came around, I knew that every interaction would be cringy and that I had to keep up a high wall. He’s not someone I want anything to do with, period. Thankfully it’s over.

  • Brilliant, UBT, as always. Here’s my cheater-manipulation-speak translation:
    “Sadz, magical thinking. Rewriting history, minimizing. Irrelevant generalizatio, passive aggression. False (minimizing) apology. Hoover. Fishing for compliments. False (hoovering) gratitude.”

    All I could think as I was reading the original was, “this cheater clearly sucks.” You’re well rid of him, srsly! No response is the best – can you imagine the mindfuck blender of trying to address each of the above manipulations? Chumps should have our precious breath for more important things, like playing the kazoo or blowing up balloons.

  • “I could’ve watched a Youtube video, but I’m man of letters.”

    I snorted out loud at that gem. Thank you for the morning laugh CL!

  • Reading this is laughable. What a loser. No response to this imo.

    Are your kids in therapy? Being abandoned by a parent is devastating. There are child therapists who specialize in this type of trauma. I hope you get them some support so they don’t think it was their fault that dad left. 😭😭💔💔

    • Motherchumper99 – thank you for your compassion for my kids! Yes, they are in therapy and it’s been amazing for them. I cannot believe how stable and incredible they are!!! So happy he’s not around and I just get to hang out with my kids without the constant stress of him. It’s the best!

  • The UBT nails it again.

    Who knows why he’s hoovering now. Maybe he felt some karma and was fishing for kibbles. Well, definitely fishing for attention of some sort. He is missing living in your head.

    Best to mark his email address as spam so you don’t get any more of this.

  • Don’t just ignore it, ignore it and block him from sending you any more emails. There’s no reason he should be allowed to email you. Other chumps swear by scheduling software for arranging visitation and such. You don’t have to talk to this idiot or read his drivel. He is hoovering. He wants you to be one of his “girlfriends” to cheat on whoever he’s with now. So he throws you a few crumbs like “You were right. Sorry I was lame. I know how to fuck now thanks to the books you gave me, so how about it?” Naturally you’ll jump at that bait, he thinks. He doesn’t sound mentally well and I hope he does not have any custody rights. After all, he abandoned his kids, stole their dog, plus bragged to them about his extracurricular sex life. What a sick creep!
    I know it’s hard to pass up the chance to tell him exactly how vile he is, but he’s delusional, so it will only excite and make him think you still care if you respond. I’d stay as far away from this weirdo as possible.

  • ‘Sometimes it’s important to wait…’
    😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣😅
    Of course that’s what the FW’s want! Wait, and wait, wait 40 years, it’s ok, it’s just my life, I’ll see how long it takes you to act like a basic human partner. I like zero respect!
    Nice shaming try, Mr Deadhead. Chumps really don’t want to wait for you, we actually have important people and jobs to attend to. For some reason, this reminds me of my FW, who told my son- she won’t just get over it, I’ve done enough penance. ( 30+ yr serial cheater, drunk, drug taking, money stealing, etc) And still getting blasted daily in his late 60’s, good grief!
    So happy he’s no longer my millstone around my neck. I’m starting a road trip tomorrow, should be fun 😄
    Later, cheater 🤣

  • He. Took. The. Dog. No—-just, no. no no no no. I would’ve lost it. My ex never did anything for my dog. Was not an animal person. Then he tried to use “wanting to see the dog” to hoover back and i LET him! I couldn’t understand anyone NOT loving this dog—projection! ugh.

  • Respond as you would have if you knew the real FW’s personality when meeting him. Right? You would have ghosted him immediately. Hail Casper!

  • What a pathetic a-hole. This has got to be the ‘no response IS a response’ one. Not surprised it makes you angry though but just sums up what these people are really made up of.

  • SC – please DO NOT RESPOND to this blather. This is typical hoovering ‘cuz in a single moment of being sad/alone/bored he sent you this missive, don’t think it is anything more than him trying to get a response… any response to a fuckwit is a kibble, even insulting ones. Whenever Mr. Sparkles would do this I would think to myself… “could he cut and paste this in to another email/text to another woman”… I know from his email history that is what he did when responding to the people who responded to his personal add… verbatim cut and paste. Helped me right size the communications and maintain No Contact (only use email to discuss our son).

    Sadly, you and the kids are not special to him. Ergo, he doesn’t warrant a response. It really is that simple. Let one of his other cover-band lady friends take up the yoke. You’ve got a cheater free life to live!

  • I gave up trying to figure out why FW’s do anything a long time ago. If anyone makes a series of bad decisions in their life, making the same bad mistakes over and over, they are destined for disaster. I am just glad that the healing process allows you to get to the place where you don’t care anymore what happens to them.

    I also gave up trying to figure out why women would be attracted to married men, or geezers with ED, or men who won’t work for a living . . . Just cannot understand why anyone puts up with any of that dysfunction anymore. I realize there was a time when I thought dysfunction was “normal”, but as I experienced the pain of living that way, I learned to spot it and avoid it. My personal life is so peaceful now. I am so happy, because I am dealing with some heavy family matters resulting from the death of my father and brother, and am caring for my 90-year-old mother. Those things are consuming my time right now, and I am looking forward to a time when I can finish this hard family task and go back to just being my peaceful self.

    There is no reason to thrust a stick into an active beehive. Ignore and avoid FW’s whenever possible, you’ll be so glad you did.

  • This could almost be my FW Slacker Boy except that we had no children and he took the cat and *tried to sue me for cat support*. He also said he would make good use of the manual I’d bought him when he was claiming to have ED and to be unable to take the pills due to side effects. (Naturally, I found a jar of those exact pills. The upside is that I tested negative for STDs.)
    I recently heard from him a decade after I divorced him to ask me how to get another cat since that one had died. A 70-year-old man should be able to figure that much out. As Susie Lee has observed, there’s a good chance the parasite has found another unfortunate 60-something woman to be his host rather than be alone. And for all I know, he’s cheating on her too, as his best friend (who directed him to the cheater sites) did. The best friend could be this BF in the NYT: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/28/style/boyfriend-ex-wife-social-qs.html?smid=url-share

    • “*tried to sue me for cat support*”

      “ask me how to get another cat”

      😖 His idiocy is cringe-worthy. I’d be so tempted to say; “So now you even need my help finding new pussy?”
      But not worth breaking NC for. Almost, though.

      • To be fair, he loved that cat to the extent he was capable of caring for anyone. He is a feckless mama’s boy, full stop. I have two lovely cats now

  • I have a sister who has been through the chump grinder too. I blocked the cheater on computer and phone, but he still sends postal letters sometimes. When I get a letter like this from Cheater, I read it outloud to my sister dramatically. The letters sound even more ridiculous out loud, and we both inject snarky comments along the way and whoop occasionally at the sheer stupidity and entltlement of the cheater. He really hated to be laughed at, so it is pretty satisfying. If you have a snarky chump on your team, reading the stuff aloud together might be a good way to defuse any communications of his that get through your blocker.
    Good for you for getting rid of him! What a Dead weight he must have been on your life, if you will pardon the pun. You deserve better.

  • i guess i have to get to radio silence but i think that would work as kibbles in some situations.

    i recently won a court case for a client which was made public on our court’s webpage. FW sent an email dealing with kids’ events and congratulated me on the court win. If i was silent, I think she would take it as an acceptance of the congratulations. Instead, i told her to never congratulate me again about anything and that I won that court case in spite of her and she has made the life of our two kids much more difficult and taught them it’s OK to break promises because she was selfish.
    I won’t lie, it felt good to get that off my chest.
    And at least she won’t be congratulating me any time soon…

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