Euphemisms for Cheating?

using that word

Deception can lead to some pretty great, inadvertent cheating euphemisms. Mark Sanford’s “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” comes to mind.

Your Friday Challenge is to share your cheater euphemisms. Mr. CL’s favorite from the Stupidest Lies last Friday, which inspired today’s contest, was “Photographing my tractor by moonlight.”

What’d you get?

Reading the Bible? Checking on my gutters? Ordering the Grand Slam at Dennies?

TGIF!

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Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
1 year ago

Fixing a leaky faucet. Seems like there was always an emergency call to take care of a leaky faucet. On every Saturday. Dressed in nice clothes and grabbing one tool box he’d ask if he could drive my car, you know so he looks good on his call. (I had just bought a new Sports car) I’d ask why he’s wearing nice clothes and he would say- you know I like to look good in front of the customer. When I make the sale then I’ll change into my work clothes to do the job. Where are your work clothes FW? Oh let me grab those……

LadybugChump
LadybugChump
1 year ago

Too much explanation = Lie Lie Lie

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago

They are so stupid. And characterless. I’m so hyper vigilant to lies now that I run away from most people.

ChumpMike
ChumpMike
1 year ago

“Going Dark” was her way of saying she wouldn’t be responding to any calls or texts while she was “at work.”

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpMike

Half truth since she left out the “triad” in her sentence construction– as in “dark triad.”

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpMike

“Working in the “SCIF”……..damn the military provides some convenient excuses.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

Yup. Klootzak was a submariner. No, I couldn’t get a call from him when they stopped in Portugal, but every other significant other was called by his boatmates. He was apparently the only one working while the other guys were all taking a break. He was actually boinking a local Portuguese woman he just picked up that day at a restaurant. They would continue to hook up every chance they got for at least the next 10 years. In emails, they would address each other as husband and wife.

Military dream up a million lies for having their phones off or not answering.

BTAW
BTAW
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpMike

Yup. My FW had to turn phone to silent so he could “sleep” on work trips. After getting piss drunk on $100 meals every night, you’d think sleep wouldn’t be a problem. Hmmm he had to hide everything before the hookers showed up to the room.

Iwannabreakfree
Iwannabreakfree
1 year ago

During lockdown when his workplace (a restaurant) was closed, “I’ve got to go check all the doors are locked” ( or the refrigerator is working etc etc )

xmaschump
xmaschump
1 year ago

Ha! My fuckwit worked at a restaurant too. I just got “I need to work late” which translates to I am going to make out with slutty bartender in the walk-in

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago

The refrigerator! What a juvenile excuse. Was he channeling the old phone prank? (Pranker: “Is your refrigerator running?” Dupe: “Yes.” (Pranker: “Well you better go catch it then!”)

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

“I’m going to play Magic cards with my friends.”

Sometimes he actually did, and other times that meant going to S&M clubs. He had this enormous black bag that he would sling over his shoulder as he went out. One night I asked him why he needed so many cards. He said he needed lots of cards to build his Magic card decks with. I believed that until one day I found the bag. It was full of dildos and whips and chains.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
1 year ago

I think this beats my lack of wedding ring one.

Wow.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago

barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf….

Susannah
Susannah
1 year ago

Gives a whole new meaning to the Wall of Flesh. Oy vey, Magic the Gathering is so triggering for me.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Susannah

Yep! And other fantasy type imagery. There was something all wrapped up in the BDSM, card games, online gaming fantasy world/cos play stuff going on. It feels weird because I’m a rather natural fairy haired looking thing, whereas he seemed to be surrounded by images of dark, spiky women in leather – totally opposite to my look. All the games/ gaming etc were really his thing. He preferred the fantasy world in so many ways. It’s very odd because I’m a very real kinda gal. The OW is one of those fake spiky ones so he swapped to the dark side! Good riddance and I prefer the real world any day. She can have his bag o’ dicks hidden in the garage now ????

I Am Enough
I Am Enough
1 year ago

The infamous “outed by a bag of dicks”
That he so boldly carried that around in front of you – he’s one of those dicks.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

????

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
1 year ago

????????????????????????

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
1 year ago

Yikes!????

CarolinaChump
CarolinaChump
1 year ago

This is so ridiculously nuts I had to send it to my sister who is also a chump. In fact, all three sisters are chumps. Set up for it from FOO dysfunctional upbringing. Thanks for sharing it.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  CarolinaChump

It’s actually good to hear that people react so much to these things with the same disbelief and disgust…it was the secret hell I was living in for so long that I become accustomed to it all. Good to share the weirdness and see that other people get how bizarre and gross it is. Thanks, Chump Nation!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago

????

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
1 year ago

oh.
my.
GGGGG!!!

BattleDancingUnicorn
BattleDancingUnicorn
1 year ago

Reading his Bible? Amateur hour, lol. Mine said he couldn’t work while getting his Masters of Divinity, so I financially supported us while he “studied.” In reality, he was secretly driving an hour away during the day to “Help her alcoholic father get sober.”

Why the secrecy? Because the Bible says one shouldn’t boast about one’s good deeds, you know?

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

Interesting disclosure about side piece FOO issues at least.

BattleDancingUnicorn
BattleDancingUnicorn
1 year ago

I’m not actually sure it was true… He may have just needed a “good deed” to make me feel bad for being upset.

loch
loch
1 year ago

Golfing.

Chumped in Tx
Chumped in Tx
1 year ago
Reply to  loch

Mine was also golfing. Problem is his credit card statements that I got copies of in the divorce told another story!!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumped in Tx

The schmoopies may have done tricks with golf balls. I’d noticed a tendency to weave a tiny bit of truth into otherwise whopping lies.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago

Ugh, it looks like the soul mate shmoopies videos are no longer available but they were hilarious. The common refrain was “our love is real. Our love is worth hurting others for.” The female shmoopie would frequently ask the guy if his wife could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Reluctant Phoenix
Reluctant Phoenix
1 year ago
Reply to  loch

Me too, “I am just off to play golf”……..even though it was pouring with rain and blowing hurricane winds! I feel such a fool now.

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago
Reply to  loch

Hah! After the last DDay, I had a LOT of questions.
I asked if he really was golfing all the times he said he was.
His response?
“I would NEVER lie about golfing!”
I guess some things are sacred, unlike the marriage vows…

Chumped To The Nines
Chumped To The Nines
1 year ago

I am spending the weekend with a vendor I am friends with. He owns a remote cottage. I am grateful to be invited. The only place I can fully recharge my batteries. There is no cell reception, no internet; just nature.

Then he proceeded with a detailed description of that magical place. His enthusiasm was so contagious that I missed the “no connection to the outside world” bit. The state I was in didn’t help either. Try thinking clearly when you are chronically exhausted, putting out fires and barely holding it together. Years later it came out he was responsible for lighting these fires.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

The Nines, I hate him for that! They spend some much time spinning a lovely story you’re happy for them. I got that too… sorry, it’s really cruel of them.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

“Try thinking clearly when you are chronically exhausted, putting out fires and barely holding it together. ”

I think this is how they pull a lot of this shit off.

I was the same way for the last two years of our marriage. Working full time, taking college classes at night “with his encouragement” and doing all the house work, laundry, cooking etc. Never to his satisfaction.

Meanwhile he and whore were fucking with abandon.

Bad news is it devastated me, good news is his life crashed around him and he never regained it again. He went to Disney and all he got to show for it was a frumpy unemployed whore.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

“He went to Disney and all he got to show for it was a frumpy unemployed whore.”
????

Chumped To The Nines
Chumped To The Nines
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Susie Lee, the list of your responsibilities is vertigo inducing. So was mine. And I did not sign up for most of them, they were imposed on me.

I agree, they need us distracted, it makes their double life related logistics easier. In addition we are creating value. Smart, no?

Lollipop ��
Lollipop ��
1 year ago

OMG the distractions:
•Two kids under 5
•Moved his mother in
•Moved his aunt in
•Brought home a stray pregnant at that had 6 kittens
Had me running in circles for 30 years of our 33 year marriage ????‍♀️

LadybugChump
LadybugChump
1 year ago

Same.
– His kid, GF and baby HAD to live with us (chaos and disrespect) for free but I was supposed to contribute $$ for rent although I paid for food, cooked, cleaned etc wiillingly but I see how used I was while he was out cheating.
– Brought home a pregnant cat who had 5 and then 5 more because I had no idea they can get pregnant that fast. All the cats had to stay. When trying to get them fixed, he had to help catch one. That male cat bit his working hand first knuckled that required medical care. It’s still jacked up.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
1 year ago

I have to work with my assistants this weekend

N
N
1 year ago

My phone died.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
1 year ago
Reply to  N

Right……funny how it was always his personal phone that died, never the one that his”job” gave him…..I am the most gullible chump ever????‍♀️

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago

“I have to help her with a sewing project. I’m the only one who can do this. I promise I’ll be home more when the project is done.”

“Nevermind, new sewing projects came up. I have to keep going to her house.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

These are yawners:
I have to work late at the hospital.
My patients need me.
I’m struggling with EMR (electronic medical records).

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Spinach@35 and Chumpupthejam,
Can I hire either of you. My biller is overcharging me and I am sure she, like the others in the past will probably eventually steal from me. ????
Given our common histories I am sure I can trust you guys. Chumps are truanting honest people!

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago
Reply to  DrChump

Trusting! dam you spell correct

beanie
beanie
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Mine actually said, “My patients need me, you don’t”

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago
Reply to  beanie

FW is OR nurse and would work with me occasionally. She chose to bond with a landscaper and various over the hill hard rock wannabes

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  beanie

Oh brother. And mine added, “We (he and OW, a nurse) bonded over taking care of sick patients.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

p.s. I felt so bad that he was working and struggling so much that I actually learned the EMR system so I could help him. ????????‍♀️ My fault I know, but still….

Chumpupthejam
Chumpupthejam
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Spinach,
Same. I learned the EMR system too. I even did his coding and billing just to lighten his load. I still can’t believe I went through god dang coding and billing training for him. Found out 6 months after the divorce that he was also f’g the clinic nurse (who did the coding and billing training with me! how fun for him). At this point, he had an affair with everyone until proven otherwise.

Chumpawumba
Chumpawumba
1 year ago

He was “waffling.”

For thirteen years. He didn’t know what he wanted so he waffled between myself, ex girlfriends, and any dumpster fire that breathed in his vicinity. Apparently he waffled his way through dating me, making the decision to propose to me (albeit horribly with no planning, ring, or celebration), planning a wedding, marrying me, adopting my oldest son and raising our other son.

Ugh…
Ugh…
1 year ago

“Having coffee with coworkers.” “Work travel was tough today. I’m going to bed early.” “I’m having drinks at the bar, I don’t know why this prostitute is sharing her location with our iCloud connected phones.”

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  Ugh…

Sounds familiar, ex is a pilot, in the evenings pilots and other flight crews meet up in the hotel bar.
After a trip up to Alaska he walked in the door and the first thing he said is he had something to tell me about his trip and wanted to tell me before I heard the story from anyone else.
Ex met his crew in the hotel bar and there was this really drunk girl that kept coming on to him.. He asked her to leave him alone and told her he was married but she persisted.
I asked if she was “bothering” any of the other pilots at the bar, no, only him..

Ex isn’t shy, he’s actually rather abrupt and rude. It wouldn’t matter how drunk she was, she would have stopped what she was doing if he had seriously told her to stop.

A bar full of men, some younger, and better looking but for some reason this drunk girl was focused on ex..,
(he isn’t Brad Pitt).

It was thoughtful of him to give me the story before I heard anything from anyone else.
He didn’t want me to think that he was “that kind of guy.”
I’m sure there was more to the story and the story didn’t end in the bar.

Being a good Chump, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Elsa
Elsa
1 year ago
Reply to  Ugh…

Mine was “ disgusted “ by the bar scene during business trips… some men were actually falling for it and using escorts!
My h got lost in a foreign country – because he was trying to find his fav hooker.
Yes I was at home- full time student& mom of 3 kinds under 5

But/ I got a gift- a pair of socks

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsa

I just remembered how moralistic ex is. Ex was on a trip with male co-workers. They met for dinner at the hotel restaurant. “The other guys” were flirting with the waitress and according to ex their jokes were inappropriate. He mentioned what they said and it wasn’t anything alarming or offensive. Ex said he felt embarrassed that they were so loud and obnoxious.
I remember thinking to myself, why is he telling me this..

Everyone paid their bill and were walking out but ex being the gentleman he is stayed behind and walked back to the waitress and apologized for the behavior of his crew members and gave her an extra tip.
.
First-he doesn’t know the waitress, she isn’t his daughter, why is he so concerned?
Second- working in a restaurant/bar this isn’t her first table of obnoxious men and won’t be her last.
Third-it’s non of his business, if she thought they were getting out of hand she could call her manger.
she was probably didn’t care and was looking forward to the tips especially if they had been drinking.
Fourth-the hotel has a record of the names of the flight crew and could be easily reported to the
airline if they behaved inappropriately.
If Mr. Integrity thought the crew was behaving inappropriately why didn’t he say something to stop it as it was going on instead of sneaking back to apologize to her in private?

Mr. integrity thought he’d let me know what a nice guy he is.
Nothing further from the truth, ex isn’t a nice guy unless he thinks it will benefit him.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

Their stories make them always a hero or a victim. Sometimes both!

Senile
Senile
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

You post!
Yes, the idea of being such a nice guy… listen to this one ( I heard it on a dday)
So, he scheduled a meeting with a hooker… she came to the car, they did whatever they did and he was on the way home, when he realized that she left her purse in the car.
Of course, he couldn’t leave that as it was ( mind you, 11pm in a shady neighborhood while claiming to be super busy at work) and he found her address
Went to her house and left the purse on the front porch

Yes, he was telling me all the details, trying to prove that his act of kindness was something to be wowed with ????
And I was sitting there… shell shocked, thinking WTF WTF

You can make up this shit

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

I learned that when FW told a detailed story, he was always lying. No exceptions to this rule.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Ugh…

Gross

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
1 year ago

My fave “getting a macdonalds” which leads into the “steak at home” observation nicely.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

I have know quite a few women who were cheated on, and I have to say the steak at home observation is so common.

Oh I am not saying in a few of the cases that the skank was not attractive, though in most cases not really. But it just floors me the choices these guys make. Not just in looks but in the whole package.

I am sure it happens with a cheating wife too; but I am not personally aware of those cases.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

FW’s AP is nasty. Someone told me she looks like she did some time in prison with the tattoos to match (no offense to anyone with tattoos; I don’t find them universally trashy. Hers were). Multiple people who know her don’t have much to say positively about her personality either. Even FW said she comes across as arrogant. But she pressed herself against him one evening after work and ya know…better keep dating that or you’d be like all those other cheaters that just do it for the sex. Gotta really commit to that dysfunction.

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Cheating wife FW chose fat out of shape minimally employed guys. I still don’t get it

luckyme
luckyme
1 year ago
Reply to  DrChump

My husband FW chose a depressed, unattractive, failed artist with no other friends. I think his “I am your saviour on my white horse” fantasy drove him. I read some of the pathetic emails after DDay. His job seems to have been endless encouragement, while hers was I cant show my art.. I am too sensitive…. its too personal. In truth it was just rubbish! I think they choose losers because it makes them feel needed and important.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
1 year ago

????

BTAW
BTAW
1 year ago

Got the generic:
-strayed (sounds so peaceful)
-made some bad choices (bad choice is eating five extra cookies, not going down on a whore and getting HPV)
-really need a massage (guess treatment for a sore back is a happy ending for $40 extra at a trashy parlor-who knew?)
-went outside the marriage
Reality: he’s a selfish prick who drinks too much and is hooked on the thrill of doing the forbidden. He lacks self respect and respect for his family

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  BTAW

“Reality: he’s a selfish prick who drinks too much and is hooked on the thrill of doing the forbidden. He lacks self respect and respect for his family”

Yep. No other way to look at it. While I adored my H, I knew from early on in our marriage that he had a selfish streak. I loved him and he seemed to grow and mature. But he was never really going to do anything unless there was something in it for him. So obviously I was not showered with gifts and a grand lifestyle. But no once did it occur to me to fuck a rando to ease the pain. Why? Character and self respect.

UXworld
UXworld
1 year ago

“Did you ever drive on the highway and just zone out, then suddenly realize you’d driven a whole bunch of miles and you don’t remember any of it? That’s what just happened to me. I was on my way to the movies when I suddenly realized I’d passed it miles ago. By that time I wasn’t interested in going anymore, so I just drove around until I decided to come home.”

This, on the morning she begged out of going to a family Xmas party (my family of course) so she could “just have a day to myself and see the new Star Wars movie.”

“Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
“Mind tricks don’t work on me.” – Watto
“Stay on target.” – Gold Five
“This is a new day, a new beginning.” – Ahsoka Tano
“It’s not my fault.” – Han Solo

UXworld
UXworld
1 year ago
Reply to  UXworld

It’s SO like how Richard Pryor described children lying: https://www.redd.tube/video/14db8ba61818f61d7e12756ff732431ccbc3b0c1

Quetzal
Quetzal
1 year ago

He was making me “the other ladies envious of me” because he was “such a great boss for being so friendly to everyone”

Brit
Brit
1 year ago

Reading.., spending almost every afternoon at Barnes and Noble reading books. Being the considerate person he is, he’d turn his phone off not to disturb other readers if his phone should ring.
I couldn’t reach him by phone, so occasionally I’d stop by Barnes and Noble to see if he’d like to go out to lunch or to say hello.
Surprisingly he was never around when I’d stop by. I must have stopped by while he was in the restroom or stepped out to grab something to eat.
.Sadly, I believed him.

Allana
Allana
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

That could be me- going places and enjoying
Don’t blame yourself- normal people CAN go places to read, relax, enjoy ( two days mini vacation, why not?)without cheating and whoring…
My h was taking a break by going to the movies on his own… I did too… the only difference was- I was watching a movie and he was fucking women….

We are normal- we operate accordingly…. It’s hard to comprehend the twisted fucked up minds … I stopped trying
“ trust that they suck”

Hugs

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

“Reading.” Words fail me.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

Ugh – the bookstore. For me it was “chess club” at Barnes and Noble with his “brother” every week.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
1 year ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

Mine was the gas station! Actually told me he sometimes sold lottery tickets when they got busy. He also got the whore’s nephew a job at said gas station. What a great guy.

Beawolf
Beawolf
1 year ago

Mine was going to the shooting range. Just wasn’t the gun he was shooting off, it was his pea shooter.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago
Reply to  Beawolf

pea shooter LMFAO

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Beawolf

????

ChumpMD
ChumpMD
1 year ago
Reply to  Beawolf

“ Mine was going to the shooting range. Just wasn’t the gun he was shooting off, it was his pea shooter.”

OMG you just made my day! Thanks for the humor!

Blue
Blue
1 year ago

Band practice. (More nights a week than the guys normally practiced.)

Or better, “I slept in my car after band practice.”

Most of the time he just called in sick to work and went to her place. Then, when I questioned why he came up short on his side of the bill money, “Oh, they jipped me out of some hours again.” Or “They must have missed some of the overtime I put in.”

ChumpyLou
ChumpyLou
1 year ago
Reply to  Blue

I got band practice too! Haha.
I also got ‘I’m helping my friend move house’ and ‘I’m going on holiday with my friend’. Friend did go on holiday with him, but so did the OW.
I also got ‘I just need to be on my own. I’ve never been on my own before.’

I was so dumb!

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago
Reply to  Blue

I’ve been dealing with a now former employee who kept ‘disappearing’ for a wide and imaginative range of reasons. My first thought was ‘they are having an affair’.

Luziana
Luziana
1 year ago

5000 texts with the Sluterus in one month was ‘Playing Candy Crush’

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Luziana

The sluterus lol.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
1 year ago
Reply to  Luziana

I laugh every time I read the term “Sluterus”. ????

knittedrobin
knittedrobin
1 year ago

My ex had a business – which over the 25 years of our marriage never made any money at all,only a loss – and involved him being away in the day, and also travelling abroad for extended periods. He could, for instance, never mind the kids in the holidays so I could go to work to make the money that kept us solvent because ‘the company needed him’. It was simply a cover for a life spent shagging around, and an excuse for never doing anything he didn’t want to. Whenever I queried the fact that it never went anywhere he would accuse me of trampling on his dreams and not really loving him if I didn’t believe in the company. Im reading ‘The Premonitons Bureau’ at the moment, and it discusses the fact that there was plenty of evidence available to everyone living in the area that the 1966 Aberfan disaster (where a Welsh junior school was engulfed by a slag heap) was about to happen. An inquiry found: ‘many witnesses.. had been oblivious to wwhat lay before their eyes. It did not enter their consciousness. They were like moles being asked about the habits of birds.’ I feel I was like that. It was so obvious what my husband was doing, but I still couldn’t see it.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

FWIW, the IRS defines a business as an endeavor that makes money in at least 3 of 5 consecutive years. Otherwise, it’s considered a hobby, and you can’t deduct any expenses or take a loss for it on your tax return.

I don’t know if you live in the US, but I would assume many other countries have similar rules.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
1 year ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

I just started The Premonitions Bureau yesterday! With my first cheater I had a recurring dreams that he was hiding something from me behind his back – I never put it together until years later. I definitely need practice listening to my gut and my dreams.

Grumpy
Grumpy
1 year ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

I had dreams for years that there were water leaks coming into the house. More and more leaks. Hidden rooms—giant rooms—with giant puddles and waterfalls oozing down the walls. I could never fix the problems.

Newlady15
Newlady15
1 year ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

I was the same. First it was I can’t pay myself because I lm building the business then maybe 10 years of prosperity where he was doing great then the business was struggling then he blew 30 years worth of retirement savings in the business. I was the stand by your man( ie people pleaser abuse survivor) type. And always always couldn’t be home because he was “working” . I raised the kids alone. So here I am almost 62 working 2 jobs and sharing my home with a roommate to make ends meet. It’s incredibly sad to think about so I try to practice gratitude every day. He will never be anything but evil.

New Beginnings
New Beginnings
1 year ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

Mine ex had several businesses over the years – none of which were successful! But they all allowed him to work from our home with lots of excuses for leaving to take care of things…..

24 years I supported his ‘ventures’ …. sigh…. never again.

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago
Reply to  New Beginnings

Same. So many gigs and jobs that took him away for days. I was supportive – held things down at home and didn’t complain and hadn’t a clue. I’d even leave him little treats, notes or bouquets in the car to fine when he left.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  knittedrobin

Pre-STD diagnosis, I found an enormous, cheap, hoop earring in the passenger side pocket of our car. I held it up and said, “What’s this?” and “Where did it come from?” and he said, “I don’t know.” I believed him and tossed it out the window. I BELIEVED HIM! Schmoopie left it there. When that didn’t work, she started showing up everywhere I went (she’d put a tracking device on the cell phone we left in the car for emergencies). When THAT didn’t work, she finally phoned me one night at 1130 while I lay in bed beside FW. Then I figured it out. I was so trusting, so naive, so in love with my partner of 40+ years. Of course, he pretended (while white as the sheets he was wrapped in) that he had no idea why she was phoning our home.

Faithful Rage
Faithful Rage
1 year ago

I found a huge, cheap hoop earring under our guest bed. I wiped down the bed frame, during my continuous household cleaning and wondered why there was glitter. GLITTER.

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago
Reply to  Faithful Rage

He was vajazzled by her

Dobbyisafreechump
Dobbyisafreechump
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

I am laughing so much it is hard to breathe!

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago

Whitecoat, this makes me physically ill. I hope you are healing.

Whitecoatburnout
Whitecoatburnout
1 year ago
Reply to  FuckWitFree

Thank you. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I wasted my entire life on a liar. I am so bitter toward men; I have to keep reminding myself that I have sons, and I love them.

nothisfriend
nothisfriend
1 year ago

Play practice

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

Going fishing

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago

Getting headspace, leading to the legendary ‘Headspace Week’ trip with exgfOW.

FuckThatShit
FuckThatShit
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

I also got the “I need to go on a work retreat”. He was self-employed. No phone calls allowed because he couldn’t be distracted from his thoughts…

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago
Reply to  FuckThatShit

My ex conveniently needed to be alone “in the woods” to “get sober”. How could I protest? So this left me to take care of his ailing mother and her home and animals – after he’d convinced me to wait to find a new job and apartment (which I’d also given up largely because of him) until after our summer in his work cabin together. Thanks, fuckwit. I will never forgive him for that summer of hell, which I spent worried to death about him, burdened by his narcissistic mother, and uncertain about the future but unprepared to make any decisions without him or while he was recovering. Meanwhile FW was getting paid to fuck, fish, paddle and hike, crying to me the whole time.

“The woods” was one of the easy go-to excuses then and for all the years and affairs that would follow. I wanted him to do what made him happy, and I wanted him to enjoy the woods without being tied to his phone.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  FuckThatShit

Our adult daughter called him on this supposed solo hiking trip. After a super quick exchange, he told her not to call him again unless it’s urgent. You see, he couldn’t be distracted from his deep thoughts.

Only a week or so later, he’d confess that he was having an affair and that he’d gone hiking with her after all.
Our daughter got so angry about this when she discovered the real reason for his not wanting to take her call.

Interesting behavior from a self-proclaimed “great dad.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

Yeah. I got a similar excuse for why he needed to go hiking solo.
Of course, he went “duo.”

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Klootzak took off work to go hiking. Of course, he went out the door for work the same time I did and appeared to be going to work. But apparently he packed hiking clothes and didn’t intend to mention he was leaving work early to “hike.” Had vandals not destroyed his car in the parking lot at the trail head and stole his wedding ring that he had left in the car, I never would have known. He shifted my focus to oh his poor car which had to be towed away and he needed me to leave work at 1:00 PM to drive him home. Oh, he was a VICTIM.

I honestly think he hooked up with a honey who was in cahoots with the thieves to keep him busy while they gutted the car.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I got “a spiritual kung fu retreat”

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
1 year ago

i could do with a spiritual “kung fu” retreat where i learn defensive moves. in hawaii. with a refreshing drink by the pool, etc. etc.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

Yeah me too! When he was on this supposed retreat, I was spending time homeschooling our daughter and working almost full time! I was the one who needed the retreat!

TuesdaysR4Healing
TuesdaysR4Healing
1 year ago

“I was WORKING!”

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

Yep, got that one too. But when we got in fights about him working too much I got this gem:

“It’s your fault I work so much because you want me to be successful.”

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
1 year ago

I can absolutely hear the sarcastic tone????

FalseAlarmChump
FalseAlarmChump
1 year ago

“Need to go to the office (at 11pm or later), the alarm is going off. Oh, it was a false alarm. Warehouse cats were setting it off.” Seriously! I bought into this every time.

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago

‘Warehouse cats’ is a great term for shmoopies

TM
TM
1 year ago

“I’m going for a bike ride.” “I’m studying for a test.” “I need some alone time for a few days.”

IAMTHECAVALRY
IAMTHECAVALRY
1 year ago
Reply to  TM

Oh ya, bike rides. My late sparkle dick rode pretty seriously on weekends with the group on his expensive carbon fiber Cervelo. But I didn’t figure out until after he died that his lunchtime rides actually were to get to the townhouse of one of said group of riders for a quick fuck. How handy! 2 kind of exercises on lunch!

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago
Reply to  IAMTHECAVALRY

Did he have a painful death?

IAmTheCavalry
IAmTheCavalry
1 year ago
Reply to  FuckWitFree

Didn’t make it out of surgery. Sort of a “have the surgery or you’ll be dead soon anyway when your aorta completely explodes “. He told me he thought he might have hastened the ending by riding so much and so hard..thus jacking his blood pressure on an aorta that he knew was dissected. Oh, that combined with the extra marital sex huh?

Trawna
Trawna
1 year ago

Oh, nothing but the prosaic going to dinner and a film with his adult son. I was so happy for them that they were spending more time together.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
1 year ago

My ex FW didn’t even have an excuse. He blatantly paraded her around our small town while I was really working the next town over. He swore to everyone “She’s just a coworker, she’s not my girlfriend.” Right…

Bill
Bill
1 year ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

whenever anyone says “just”, whatever follows is toxic and usually a lie.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago

“I am going to walk around Sloan’s Lake so I can distress.” “I want the kids to play together even if his wife is at work”.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Sir Chumpalot,

I’m assuming your ex-dingbat had a slip of the tongue, as in “Unbeknownst to you, I’m distressing you, causing you anxiety, sorrow AND pain”. Not walking to de-stress.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
1 year ago

I meant slip of the fingers via texting

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago

After he left, I found a stack of cards from his admin assistant, several of them thanking him for their “special breakfast for the two of us” –her quotes–that day. I suspect that was her or their euphemism, since she lived in another city and there was no reason for them to breakfast together.

I also now wonder about his “we just kissed” confession about a work colleague. It was the first year of our marriage, they were at a hotel for a conference, and he seemed guilt-ridden when he told me. He may have intended to say more, then reconsidered after seeing how upset I was by the kiss.

His employment in later years was intermittent because he kept getting “laid off.” He was constantly “working on his music,” by going to friends’ studios and lessons, all suspect now. He also went to music festivals in the mountains, supposedly with one of his friends, which he said were working weekends and not suitable for me and our then pre-teen, who would have loved to go.

The best one, though, might be “I had to go back to get my glasses,” to explain why he returned to Switzerland for a weekend instead of coming home from Germany after a two-week trip. He claimed he didn’t realize he left them behind at a friend’s chalet, which is inexplicable since he couldn’t see without them. He later said it gave him an excuse to get in more skiing, so maybe skiing is a euphemism too.

Lizza Lee
Lizza Lee
1 year ago

The ex was rarely around toward the end of the marriage and I have no idea which “reasons” were euphemisms for cheating. I literally got “hiking the Appalachian Trail” (for which I went to great effort to prepare hiking food for him), tons of “working late” and “working out of town.” Also there was “running with a buddy” and “helping a poor single mom with home repairs.” Sometimes he would take one of our young sons to help with home repairs and sometimes he wouldn’t. It was very weird. It’s been more than 10 years since our divorce was final, so it doesn’t really matter to me any more.

He came to my house yesterday because it was the birthday of one of our sons. The son wasn’t expecting him and was sick in bed. We hadn’t seen him in literally years. I didn’t answer the door, and when he rang again, I told him to leave or I was calling the cops. It was unsettling. Sometimes I think about moving, but I really like my house. It would be nice if he didn’t know my address, but I refuse to make decisions based on the asshat.

sleepyhead
sleepyhead
1 year ago
Reply to  Lizza Lee

Ooooh, I got the “helping a poor single mom with home repairs” too! And a long angry lecture about “irrational jealousy” when I questioned why he was still going over there after she’d moved into an apartment! [In my defense, I was very young and this was the longest relationship I’d ever been in.]

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
1 year ago
Reply to  Lizza Lee

Lizzie Lee, you be careful!! Does your son know to not let that cheater in your house? This is horrible. I’m sorry he showed up.

Lizza Lee
Lizza Lee
1 year ago

Oh yeah. The kids are all adults now and know that the ex isn’t allowed on the property. During the divorce there was some kind of mutual legal agreement filed with the court that neither would go on the other’s property. That’s why I said I would call the cops.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago
Reply to  Lizza Lee

Get a Ring camera and if he does this again at least you’ll have proof and then actually call the cops.

Sarah
Sarah
1 year ago

“Going for a ride,” decked in full matching stretchy spandex cycling wear topped with a little cycling cap. For 8-10 hours every weekend while I stayed home with our three kids under 10. Next it was “going fishing,” as he aged and riding a bicycle was no longer thrilling but work. Also for 8-10 hours every weekend. We would have arguments about his disappearing acts on the weekends but to no avail. As I came to learn that I had married a serial cheater, it became clear what he had been up to our entire marriage.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
1 year ago
Reply to  Sarah

For laughs, told to me by some Aussies on a barge cruise.
Mamils-middle aged men in Lycra. On their ????

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago

The x had a go-to excuse when he would be hours late “running errands”:
“You’ll never guess who I ran into today.”
Well now I have some pretty good guesses.
Another one when I would wake up in the middle of the night (back then I was having a hard time sleeping at night alone after he moved to a spare bedroom because I allegedly snored) and he was nowhere to be found, “I went for a walk around the block”. This happened at least a half dozen times in the last year we were together.
Later, when I was doing the detective work prior to the divorce, I did look at his Fitbit history. There were some very high heart rate spikes around midnight to 2 am.
He walked all the way across the street to fuck the AP.

ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
1 year ago
Reply to  oldcrone

Oh yeah, his errands to town always took FOREVER weirdly.

Queen of Chumps
Queen of Chumps
1 year ago

Sales conferences, late nights “working”, long bike rides, basketball leagues, bust most of all WAKES. He was such a good Irish Catholic Boy….so many wakes. He kept a blazer in his car. Couldn’t believe how many people he knew who were dying regularly. Turns out he wasn’t the one kneeling…..

Laura
Laura
1 year ago

Checking the new parts at AuroZone.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
1 year ago

Taking my mother to the funeral home.

Ryan
Ryan
1 year ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

That one is actually hilarious. Sorry for what he did, we are all here for the same reason. But damn if that isn’t funny. (I didn’t like my former MIL at all).

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

Oh, wow. That takes the chutzpah cake.

Chumpiestchumpinchumptown
Chumpiestchumpinchumptown
1 year ago

Oh I don’t know. Probably meetings, meditating, working late, going to the gym/bike ride, and other things. I was already so ‘obedient’ about him typically coming home at 8-9pm at night every day from work, and his frequent crises where I was desperate to let him have any time off he wanted to feel better, that I never questioned anything. Let me just reframe this: What it really meant was he was neglecting the kids and I so that he could indulge in juvenile fantasies of virility or whatever. *hole.

Lia
Lia
1 year ago

“Research for my novel”. This involved porn and sexting because (he actually said this when caught) he wanted to write romance because it’s profitable and he … needed more experience.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Lia

OMG! That takes the cake

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
1 year ago

Another one from our cake-eating Dad:

“I think I’ll go wander around Zayre’s [discount store similar to Target].”

A couple of hours almost every week night for a period of time. Rarely bought anything.

Sometimes he would invite us kids to ride along, even once in a while our Mom, and then appeared to do what he said, except now I think of it, we all would go moseying on our separate ways inside the store, so who really knows even then.

I am only now still realizing, from time to time, the different ways he used us kids as cover, or to wound our Mom indirectly without us realizing what was going on. The cruelty was endless.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

When children are involved cheating is child abuse.

Phoenix
Phoenix
1 year ago

Mine isn’t that interesting: going hiking. It was strange, coming from someone who barely goes outdoors, though. #redflagsflying

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  Phoenix

Before ex started hiking I found a hiking bladder (holds drinking water) hidden in his truck. I asked him why he hadn’t told me he bought one and why did he hide it. He said because he thought I’d make fun of him.
I don’t see anything about a water holder that could be funny. This was one of the moments I knew something wasn’t right.., brain tumor?

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

And if you’re like me….you were hurt, felt like you must be a bitch, that your husband wouldn’t share something so innocent with you because the ‘poor timid forest creature’ was afraid that you would make fun of him.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

That rings so true! I was the big, bad bitch who asked too many questions and he actually used the word “hectoring” to describe my behavior

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
1 year ago

“I have to go to a collaboration meeting”.

Since her AP was in the same experiment, I have no idea how many of these were real and how many were excuses for them to meet up for tax-payer-funded nookie. For sure the last one she went to was fake (it was one city over from AP, and I later saw her excited email to him about how she’d been upgraded at her hotel). Chumpy me, I agreed to teach her class for her so she could leave town; she and AP used the opportunity to plan how to leave their spouses the following week.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago

Makes me want to vomit and smother them with hotel pillows.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

They were “collaborateurs” alright. How heinous.

Hurt1
Hurt1
1 year ago

Having dinner with the Italians. Ex was an engineer & the company he worked for had machinery made in Italy. Several times a year the Italian sales reps would come to the US & ex always went to dinner with them. Lovely people & once we hosted them under our grapevine covered patio. Another time while on vacation in Italy we met up with some of them.

After dday I found out these reps didn’t come over as often as ex said they did. It later became the excuse to be with his subordinate whore. Reeking of garlic was his cover.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
1 year ago
Reply to  Hurt1

???? ???? ????????????

tallgrass
tallgrass
1 year ago

I found it very odd that – now that I live alone in the home we had for 35 years – I only needed to buy gas for the lawnmower once in the spring. Five or six gallons of gas goes a long way in lawnmowing world.

He played a sadz every Saturday morning because he had to make a special trip to town on his day off “to buy gas for the lawnmower.” I guess it was difficult to be away from his supply of blow jobs in the closets at work during the week.

This played well into his poor me. He gave up so much of himself to keep our lawn mowed; to care for his ungrateful family. While I schluped home hundreds of bags of groceries, cooked, cleaned ,managed all of the children’s schedules and events, and worked whatever jobs I could fit in that wouldn’t interrupt my 24/7 required availability to him. The “easy job”, of course. Staying home and eating bonbons on the couch (according to him).

Think I will stop by the chocolate shop today. I am owed many many bonbons.

Dawn
Dawn
1 year ago
Reply to  tallgrass

YES! You ARE owed many bonbons!

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago
Reply to  Dawn

Leave the cheaters to their cake. We want our bonbons!

Discarded Wife
Discarded Wife
1 year ago
Reply to  tallgrass

I also got the sadz “I work so hard around here” routine from my FW. He had me really freaked out when I kicked him out that I would not be able to manage. Guess what? I am doing just fine and our little hobby farm looks way better now than it did when he was in charge.

I Am Enough
I Am Enough
1 year ago
Reply to  Discarded Wife

It sounds to me as if many of us THRIVE when they are out of our lives. No, I don’t wish betrayal on anyone, but these cheaters are not good partners in so many ways that we don’t realize until they’re gone.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago
Reply to  I Am Enough

Yes, I am more than thriving with doing EVERYTHING he complained about doing, or rather, not doing. He was a lazy, complaining, entitled, narcissistic, lying fuckwit. I’m shopping for bon bons.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  FuckWitFree

I totally agree. Even though I was devastated and still am, I’m slowly coming to realize how much harder he made our lives. He had a little cloud of chaos around him at all times. He was lazy- same stories about the huffing and puffing. The lawn mowing was the biggest event of the year. When I actually did it myself I was like, “was that it?” When I figured out how to do the taxes I was like “was that it?” He held onto all the things like that he could to make himself look busy and pitiful so I would both leave him alone and then praise him. He also kept an air of mystery about himself and how he spent his time. He told me that “the way my brain processes thing I just need a lot it down time.” It was so f’d up. Why do these behaviors go along with cheating? It’s so weird!

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  tallgrass

When our smoke alarm batteries would need to be replaced, ex would make heavy sigh noises climbing up the ladder to remove the old battery. He’d climb back down the ladder with another heavy sigh.. Glare at me as he went into the garage to get a new battery. He’d come back in from the garage with another huge sigh climbing up the ladder. This would go on for about an hour. He’d then be in a bad mood afterwards..

A few weeks after he moved out the smoke alarm battery started beeping indicating it needed to be replaced.
Remembering how difficult it was for cheater I was prepared to call someone to replace the battery.
Before I made the call I thought I’d try to replace it myself.
I climbed the ladder popped the old battery out and replaced it with a new battery in one easy trip up the ladder. It took me less than five minutes.
All his heavy sighs, and giving me dirty looks, climbing up and down the ladder going back into the garage was an act. He’s the laziest person I’ve ever known. It’s possible that changing the battery to him is hard work and wanted me to know he worked hard.

notjustawife
notjustawife
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

Brit, X did the same thing! I changed the battery myself and thought what the hell was he huffing and puffing about???

Nemesis
Nemesis
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

Same. Lazy SOB. Mine said one of the reasons he left me for his massage parlor whore is because I made him take the trash cans to the curb every week. ???? I still think of that every time I do it now that he’s gone.

Claire
Claire
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

Brit, same here. Along with cleaning the windows, mowing the lawn, cleaning gutters, decorating etc etc etc ????‍♀️????????‍♀️????????????????

overMim
overMim
1 year ago

My best friends Ex told her that he and his friend – – – and I quote —“share passion for farming”!

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago
Reply to  overMim

Or was it plowing?

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
1 year ago

Mine was an addict so he’d regularly disappear. I always thought it was because he was out getting high. It was causing great stress in our marriage because he wasn’t trying to get sober. Then it started morphing into “I’m helping a friend work on his car.” His friends must have had a lot of car trouble.

Someone above mentioned glasses. Mine would always come home without his glasses and have to go back to find them. Our divorce was final two years ago and it didn’t dawn on me until last week that he was taking them off to have sex. Because I couldn’t figure out why one would need to take their glasses off to get drunk or high. I started dating someone recently and took my own glasses off and then it dawned on me what was going on. I was a pro at spackling while smoking that hopium. So glad I’m free of that nonsense.

Beenthere
Beenthere
1 year ago

Night Fishing

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  Beenthere

Fishing for…?

oldcrone
oldcrone
1 year ago
Reply to  Beenthere

More like…dangling his worm.

Redleaf
Redleaf
1 year ago

He would text “in a mtg” whenever I called. He was actually in a prostitute.