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Euphemisms for Cheating?

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using that wordDeception can lead to some pretty great, inadvertent euphemisms. Mark Sanford’s “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” comes to mind.

Your Friday Challenge is to share your cheater euphemisms. Mr. CL’s favorite from the Stupidest Lies last Friday, which inspired today’s contest, was “Photographing my tractor by moonlight.”

What’d you get?

Reading the Bible? Checking on my gutters? Ordering the Grand Slam at Dennies?

TGIF!

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Fixing a leaky faucet. Seems like there was always an emergency call to take care of a leaky faucet. On every Saturday. Dressed in nice clothes and grabbing one tool box he’d ask if he could drive my car, you know so he looks good on his call. (I had just bought a new Sports car) I’d ask why he’s wearing nice clothes and he would say- you know I like to look good in front of the customer. When I make the sale then I’ll change into my work clothes to do the job. Where are your work clothes FW? Oh let me grab those……

  • “Going Dark” was her way of saying she wouldn’t be responding to any calls or texts while she was “at work.”

    • Yup. My FW had to turn phone to silent so he could “sleep” on work trips. After getting piss drunk on $100 meals every night, you’d think sleep wouldn’t be a problem. Hmmm he had to hide everything before the hookers showed up to the room.

      • Yup. Klootzak was a submariner. No, I couldn’t get a call from him when they stopped in Portugal, but every other significant other was called by his boatmates. He was apparently the only one working while the other guys were all taking a break. He was actually boinking a local Portuguese woman he just picked up that day at a restaurant. They would continue to hook up every chance they got for at least the next 10 years. In emails, they would address each other as husband and wife.

        Military dream up a million lies for having their phones off or not answering.

    • Half truth since she left out the “triad” in her sentence construction– as in “dark triad.”

  • During lockdown when his workplace (a restaurant) was closed, “I’ve got to go check all the doors are locked” ( or the refrigerator is working etc etc )

    • The refrigerator! What a juvenile excuse. Was he channeling the old phone prank? (Pranker: “Is your refrigerator running?” Dupe: “Yes.” (Pranker: “Well you better go catch it then!”)

    • Ha! My fuckwit worked at a restaurant too. I just got “I need to work late” which translates to I am going to make out with slutty bartender in the walk-in

  • “I’m going to play Magic cards with my friends.”

    Sometimes he actually did, and other times that meant going to S&M clubs. He had this enormous black bag that he would sling over his shoulder as he went out. One night I asked him why he needed so many cards. He said he needed lots of cards to build his Magic card decks with. I believed that until one day I found the bag. It was full of dildos and whips and chains.

    • This is so ridiculously nuts I had to send it to my sister who is also a chump. In fact, all three sisters are chumps. Set up for it from FOO dysfunctional upbringing. Thanks for sharing it.

      • It’s actually good to hear that people react so much to these things with the same disbelief and disgust…it was the secret hell I was living in for so long that I become accustomed to it all. Good to share the weirdness and see that other people get how bizarre and gross it is. Thanks, Chump Nation!

    • The infamous “outed by a bag of dicks”
      That he so boldly carried that around in front of you – he’s one of those dicks.

    • Gives a whole new meaning to the Wall of Flesh. Oy vey, Magic the Gathering is so triggering for me.

      • Yep! And other fantasy type imagery. There was something all wrapped up in the BDSM, card games, online gaming fantasy world/cos play stuff going on. It feels weird because I’m a rather natural fairy haired looking thing, whereas he seemed to be surrounded by images of dark, spiky women in leather – totally opposite to my look. All the games/ gaming etc were really his thing. He preferred the fantasy world in so many ways. It’s very odd because I’m a very real kinda gal. The OW is one of those fake spiky ones so he swapped to the dark side! Good riddance and I prefer the real world any day. She can have his bag o’ dicks hidden in the garage now 😂

  • Reading his Bible? Amateur hour, lol. Mine said he couldn’t work while getting his Masters of Divinity, so I financially supported us while he “studied.” In reality, he was secretly driving an hour away during the day to “Help her alcoholic father get sober.”

    Why the secrecy? Because the Bible says one shouldn’t boast about one’s good deeds, you know?

      • I’m not actually sure it was true… He may have just needed a “good deed” to make me feel bad for being upset.

    • Hah! After the last DDay, I had a LOT of questions.
      I asked if he really was golfing all the times he said he was.
      His response?
      “I would NEVER lie about golfing!”
      I guess some things are sacred, unlike the marriage vows…

    • Me too, “I am just off to play golf”……..even though it was pouring with rain and blowing hurricane winds! I feel such a fool now.

    • Mine was also golfing. Problem is his credit card statements that I got copies of in the divorce told another story!!

      • The schmoopies may have done tricks with golf balls. I’d noticed a tendency to weave a tiny bit of truth into otherwise whopping lies.

        • Ugh, it looks like the soul mate shmoopies videos are no longer available but they were hilarious. The common refrain was “our love is real. Our love is worth hurting others for.” The female shmoopie would frequently ask the guy if his wife could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

  • I am spending the weekend with a vendor I am friends with. He owns a remote cottage. I am grateful to be invited. The only place I can fully recharge my batteries. There is no cell reception, no internet; just nature.

    Then he proceeded with a detailed description of that magical place. His enthusiasm was so contagious that I missed the “no connection to the outside world” bit. The state I was in didn’t help either. Try thinking clearly when you are chronically exhausted, putting out fires and barely holding it together. Years later it came out he was responsible for lighting these fires.

    • “Try thinking clearly when you are chronically exhausted, putting out fires and barely holding it together. ”

      I think this is how they pull a lot of this shit off.

      I was the same way for the last two years of our marriage. Working full time, taking college classes at night “with his encouragement” and doing all the house work, laundry, cooking etc. Never to his satisfaction.

      Meanwhile he and whore were fucking with abandon.

      Bad news is it devastated me, good news is his life crashed around him and he never regained it again. He went to Disney and all he got to show for it was a frumpy unemployed whore.

      • Susie Lee, the list of your responsibilities is vertigo inducing. So was mine. And I did not sign up for most of them, they were imposed on me.

        I agree, they need us distracted, it makes their double life related logistics easier. In addition we are creating value. Smart, no?

        • OMG the distractions:
          •Two kids under 5
          •Moved his mother in
          •Moved his aunt in
          •Brought home a stray pregnant at that had 6 kittens
          Had me running in circles for 30 years of our 33 year marriage 🤦‍♀️

          • Same.
            – His kid, GF and baby HAD to live with us (chaos and disrespect) for free but I was supposed to contribute $$ for rent although I paid for food, cooked, cleaned etc wiillingly but I see how used I was while he was out cheating.
            – Brought home a pregnant cat who had 5 and then 5 more because I had no idea they can get pregnant that fast. All the cats had to stay. When trying to get them fixed, he had to help catch one. That male cat bit his working hand first knuckled that required medical care. It’s still jacked up.

    • The Nines, I hate him for that! They spend some much time spinning a lovely story you’re happy for them. I got that too… sorry, it’s really cruel of them.

    • Right……funny how it was always his personal phone that died, never the one that his”job” gave him…..I am the most gullible chump ever🤦‍♀️

  • “I have to help her with a sewing project. I’m the only one who can do this. I promise I’ll be home more when the project is done.”

    “Nevermind, new sewing projects came up. I have to keep going to her house.”

  • These are yawners:
    I have to work late at the hospital.
    My patients need me.
    I’m struggling with EMR (electronic medical records).

    • p.s. I felt so bad that he was working and struggling so much that I actually learned the EMR system so I could help him. 🤦🏻‍♀️ My fault I know, but still….

      • Spinach,
        Same. I learned the EMR system too. I even did his coding and billing just to lighten his load. I still can’t believe I went through god dang coding and billing training for him. Found out 6 months after the divorce that he was also f’g the clinic nurse (who did the coding and billing training with me! how fun for him). At this point, he had an affair with everyone until proven otherwise.

      • Oh brother. And mine added, “We (he and OW, a nurse) bonded over taking care of sick patients.”

      • FW is OR nurse and would work with me occasionally. She chose to bond with a landscaper and various over the hill hard rock wannabes

    • Spinach@35 and Chumpupthejam,
      Can I hire either of you. My biller is overcharging me and I am sure she, like the others in the past will probably eventually steal from me. 😂
      Given our common histories I am sure I can trust you guys. Chumps are truanting honest people!

  • He was “waffling.”

    For thirteen years. He didn’t know what he wanted so he waffled between myself, ex girlfriends, and any dumpster fire that breathed in his vicinity. Apparently he waffled his way through dating me, making the decision to propose to me (albeit horribly with no planning, ring, or celebration), planning a wedding, marrying me, adopting my oldest son and raising our other son.

  • “Having coffee with coworkers.” “Work travel was tough today. I’m going to bed early.” “I’m having drinks at the bar, I don’t know why this prostitute is sharing her location with our iCloud connected phones.”

    • Mine was “ disgusted “ by the bar scene during business trips… some men were actually falling for it and using escorts!
      My h got lost in a foreign country – because he was trying to find his fav hooker.
      Yes I was at home- full time student& mom of 3 kinds under 5

      But/ I got a gift- a pair of socks

      • I just remembered how moralistic ex is. Ex was on a trip with male co-workers. They met for dinner at the hotel restaurant. “The other guys” were flirting with the waitress and according to ex their jokes were inappropriate. He mentioned what they said and it wasn’t anything alarming or offensive. Ex said he felt embarrassed that they were so loud and obnoxious.
        I remember thinking to myself, why is he telling me this..

        Everyone paid their bill and were walking out but ex being the gentleman he is stayed behind and walked back to the waitress and apologized for the behavior of his crew members and gave her an extra tip.
        .
        First-he doesn’t know the waitress, she isn’t his daughter, why is he so concerned?
        Second- working in a restaurant/bar this isn’t her first table of obnoxious men and won’t be her last.
        Third-it’s non of his business, if she thought they were getting out of hand she could call her manger.
        she was probably didn’t care and was looking forward to the tips especially if they had been drinking.
        Fourth-the hotel has a record of the names of the flight crew and could be easily reported to the
        airline if they behaved inappropriately.
        If Mr. Integrity thought the crew was behaving inappropriately why didn’t he say something to stop it as it was going on instead of sneaking back to apologize to her in private?

        Mr. integrity thought he’d let me know what a nice guy he is.
        Nothing further from the truth, ex isn’t a nice guy unless he thinks it will benefit him.

        • I learned that when FW told a detailed story, he was always lying. No exceptions to this rule.

        • You post!
          Yes, the idea of being such a nice guy… listen to this one ( I heard it on a dday)
          So, he scheduled a meeting with a hooker… she came to the car, they did whatever they did and he was on the way home, when he realized that she left her purse in the car.
          Of course, he couldn’t leave that as it was ( mind you, 11pm in a shady neighborhood while claiming to be super busy at work) and he found her address
          Went to her house and left the purse on the front porch

          Yes, he was telling me all the details, trying to prove that his act of kindness was something to be wowed with 😳
          And I was sitting there… shell shocked, thinking WTF WTF

          You can make up this shit

    • Sounds familiar, ex is a pilot, in the evenings pilots and other flight crews meet up in the hotel bar.
      After a trip up to Alaska he walked in the door and the first thing he said is he had something to tell me about his trip and wanted to tell me before I heard the story from anyone else.
      Ex met his crew in the hotel bar and there was this really drunk girl that kept coming on to him.. He asked her to leave him alone and told her he was married but she persisted.
      I asked if she was “bothering” any of the other pilots at the bar, no, only him..

      Ex isn’t shy, he’s actually rather abrupt and rude. It wouldn’t matter how drunk she was, she would have stopped what she was doing if he had seriously told her to stop.

      A bar full of men, some younger, and better looking but for some reason this drunk girl was focused on ex..,
      (he isn’t Brad Pitt).

      It was thoughtful of him to give me the story before I heard anything from anyone else.
      He didn’t want me to think that he was “that kind of guy.”
      I’m sure there was more to the story and the story didn’t end in the bar.

      Being a good Chump, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

  • My fave “getting a macdonalds” which leads into the “steak at home” observation nicely.

    • I have know quite a few women who were cheated on, and I have to say the steak at home observation is so common.

      Oh I am not saying in a few of the cases that the skank was not attractive, though in most cases not really. But it just floors me the choices these guys make. Not just in looks but in the whole package.

      I am sure it happens with a cheating wife too; but I am not personally aware of those cases.

        • My husband FW chose a depressed, unattractive, failed artist with no other friends. I think his “I am your saviour on my white horse” fantasy drove him. I read some of the pathetic emails after DDay. His job seems to have been endless encouragement, while hers was I cant show my art.. I am too sensitive…. its too personal. In truth it was just rubbish! I think they choose losers because it makes them feel needed and important.

      • FW’s AP is nasty. Someone told me she looks like she did some time in prison with the tattoos to match (no offense to anyone with tattoos; I don’t find them universally trashy. Hers were). Multiple people who know her don’t have much to say positively about her personality either. Even FW said she comes across as arrogant. But she pressed herself against him one evening after work and ya know…better keep dating that or you’d be like all those other cheaters that just do it for the sex. Gotta really commit to that dysfunction.

  • Got the generic:
    -strayed (sounds so peaceful)
    -made some bad choices (bad choice is eating five extra cookies, not going down on a whore and getting HPV)
    -really need a massage (guess treatment for a sore back is a happy ending for $40 extra at a trashy parlor-who knew?)
    -went outside the marriage
    Reality: he’s a selfish prick who drinks too much and is hooked on the thrill of doing the forbidden. He lacks self respect and respect for his family

    • “Reality: he’s a selfish prick who drinks too much and is hooked on the thrill of doing the forbidden. He lacks self respect and respect for his family”

      Yep. No other way to look at it. While I adored my H, I knew from early on in our marriage that he had a selfish streak. I loved him and he seemed to grow and mature. But he was never really going to do anything unless there was something in it for him. So obviously I was not showered with gifts and a grand lifestyle. But no once did it occur to me to fuck a rando to ease the pain. Why? Character and self respect.

  • “Did you ever drive on the highway and just zone out, then suddenly realize you’d driven a whole bunch of miles and you don’t remember any of it? That’s what just happened to me. I was on my way to the movies when I suddenly realized I’d passed it miles ago. By that time I wasn’t interested in going anymore, so I just drove around until I decided to come home.”

    This, on the morning she begged out of going to a family Xmas party (my family of course) so she could “just have a day to myself and see the new Star Wars movie.”

    “Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
    “Mind tricks don’t work on me.” – Watto
    “Stay on target.” – Gold Five
    “This is a new day, a new beginning.” – Ahsoka Tano
    “It’s not my fault.” – Han Solo

  • He was making me “the other ladies envious of me” because he was “such a great boss for being so friendly to everyone”

  • Reading.., spending almost every afternoon at Barnes and Noble reading books. Being the considerate person he is, he’d turn his phone off not to disturb other readers if his phone should ring.
    I couldn’t reach him by phone, so occasionally I’d stop by Barnes and Noble to see if he’d like to go out to lunch or to say hello.
    Surprisingly he was never around when I’d stop by. I must have stopped by while he was in the restroom or stepped out to grab something to eat.
    .Sadly, I believed him.

    • Ugh – the bookstore. For me it was “chess club” at Barnes and Noble with his “brother” every week.

      • Mine was the gas station! Actually told me he sometimes sold lottery tickets when they got busy. He also got the whore’s nephew a job at said gas station. What a great guy.

    • That could be me- going places and enjoying
      Don’t blame yourself- normal people CAN go places to read, relax, enjoy ( two days mini vacation, why not?)without cheating and whoring…
      My h was taking a break by going to the movies on his own… I did too… the only difference was- I was watching a movie and he was fucking women….

      We are normal- we operate accordingly…. It’s hard to comprehend the twisted fucked up minds … I stopped trying
      “ trust that they suck”

      Hugs

  • Mine was going to the shooting range. Just wasn’t the gun he was shooting off, it was his pea shooter.

  • Band practice. (More nights a week than the guys normally practiced.)

    Or better, “I slept in my car after band practice.”

    Most of the time he just called in sick to work and went to her place. Then, when I questioned why he came up short on his side of the bill money, “Oh, they jipped me out of some hours again.” Or “They must have missed some of the overtime I put in.”

    • I’ve been dealing with a now former employee who kept ‘disappearing’ for a wide and imaginative range of reasons. My first thought was ‘they are having an affair’.

    • I got band practice too! Haha.
      I also got ‘I’m helping my friend move house’ and ‘I’m going on holiday with my friend’. Friend did go on holiday with him, but so did the OW.
      I also got ‘I just need to be on my own. I’ve never been on my own before.’

      I was so dumb!

  • My ex had a business – which over the 25 years of our marriage never made any money at all,only a loss – and involved him being away in the day, and also travelling abroad for extended periods. He could, for instance, never mind the kids in the holidays so I could go to work to make the money that kept us solvent because ‘the company needed him’. It was simply a cover for a life spent shagging around, and an excuse for never doing anything he didn’t want to. Whenever I queried the fact that it never went anywhere he would accuse me of trampling on his dreams and not really loving him if I didn’t believe in the company. Im reading ‘The Premonitons Bureau’ at the moment, and it discusses the fact that there was plenty of evidence available to everyone living in the area that the 1966 Aberfan disaster (where a Welsh junior school was engulfed by a slag heap) was about to happen. An inquiry found: ‘many witnesses.. had been oblivious to wwhat lay before their eyes. It did not enter their consciousness. They were like moles being asked about the habits of birds.’ I feel I was like that. It was so obvious what my husband was doing, but I still couldn’t see it.

    • Pre-STD diagnosis, I found an enormous, cheap, hoop earring in the passenger side pocket of our car. I held it up and said, “What’s this?” and “Where did it come from?” and he said, “I don’t know.” I believed him and tossed it out the window. I BELIEVED HIM! Schmoopie left it there. When that didn’t work, she started showing up everywhere I went (she’d put a tracking device on the cell phone we left in the car for emergencies). When THAT didn’t work, she finally phoned me one night at 1130 while I lay in bed beside FW. Then I figured it out. I was so trusting, so naive, so in love with my partner of 40+ years. Of course, he pretended (while white as the sheets he was wrapped in) that he had no idea why she was phoning our home.

        • Thank you. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I wasted my entire life on a liar. I am so bitter toward men; I have to keep reminding myself that I have sons, and I love them.

      • I found a huge, cheap hoop earring under our guest bed. I wiped down the bed frame, during my continuous household cleaning and wondered why there was glitter. GLITTER.

    • Mine ex had several businesses over the years – none of which were successful! But they all allowed him to work from our home with lots of excuses for leaving to take care of things…..

      24 years I supported his ‘ventures’ …. sigh…. never again.

      • Same. So many gigs and jobs that took him away for days. I was supportive – held things down at home and didn’t complain and hadn’t a clue. I’d even leave him little treats, notes or bouquets in the car to fine when he left.

    • I was the same. First it was I can’t pay myself because I lm building the business then maybe 10 years of prosperity where he was doing great then the business was struggling then he blew 30 years worth of retirement savings in the business. I was the stand by your man( ie people pleaser abuse survivor) type. And always always couldn’t be home because he was “working” . I raised the kids alone. So here I am almost 62 working 2 jobs and sharing my home with a roommate to make ends meet. It’s incredibly sad to think about so I try to practice gratitude every day. He will never be anything but evil.

    • I just started The Premonitions Bureau yesterday! With my first cheater I had a recurring dreams that he was hiding something from me behind his back – I never put it together until years later. I definitely need practice listening to my gut and my dreams.

      • I had dreams for years that there were water leaks coming into the house. More and more leaks. Hidden rooms—giant rooms—with giant puddles and waterfalls oozing down the walls. I could never fix the problems.

    • FWIW, the IRS defines a business as an endeavor that makes money in at least 3 of 5 consecutive years. Otherwise, it’s considered a hobby, and you can’t deduct any expenses or take a loss for it on your tax return.

      I don’t know if you live in the US, but I would assume many other countries have similar rules.

    • Yeah. I got a similar excuse for why he needed to go hiking solo.
      Of course, he went “duo.”

        • i could do with a spiritual “kung fu” retreat where i learn defensive moves. in hawaii. with a refreshing drink by the pool, etc. etc.

          • Yeah me too! When he was on this supposed retreat, I was spending time homeschooling our daughter and working almost full time! I was the one who needed the retreat!

      • Klootzak took off work to go hiking. Of course, he went out the door for work the same time I did and appeared to be going to work. But apparently he packed hiking clothes and didn’t intend to mention he was leaving work early to “hike.” Had vandals not destroyed his car in the parking lot at the trail head and stole his wedding ring that he had left in the car, I never would have known. He shifted my focus to oh his poor car which had to be towed away and he needed me to leave work at 1:00 PM to drive him home. Oh, he was a VICTIM.

        I honestly think he hooked up with a honey who was in cahoots with the thieves to keep him busy while they gutted the car.

    • I also got the “I need to go on a work retreat”. He was self-employed. No phone calls allowed because he couldn’t be distracted from his thoughts…

      • Our adult daughter called him on this supposed solo hiking trip. After a super quick exchange, he told her not to call him again unless it’s urgent. You see, he couldn’t be distracted from his deep thoughts.

        Only a week or so later, he’d confess that he was having an affair and that he’d gone hiking with her after all.
        Our daughter got so angry about this when she discovered the real reason for his not wanting to take her call.

        Interesting behavior from a self-proclaimed “great dad.”

      • My ex conveniently needed to be alone “in the woods” to “get sober”. How could I protest? So this left me to take care of his ailing mother and her home and animals – after he’d convinced me to wait to find a new job and apartment (which I’d also given up largely because of him) until after our summer in his work cabin together. Thanks, fuckwit. I will never forgive him for that summer of hell, which I spent worried to death about him, burdened by his narcissistic mother, and uncertain about the future but unprepared to make any decisions without him or while he was recovering. Meanwhile FW was getting paid to fuck, fish, paddle and hike, crying to me the whole time.

        “The woods” was one of the easy go-to excuses then and for all the years and affairs that would follow. I wanted him to do what made him happy, and I wanted him to enjoy the woods without being tied to his phone.

    • Yep, got that one too. But when we got in fights about him working too much I got this gem:

      “It’s your fault I work so much because you want me to be successful.”

  • “Need to go to the office (at 11pm or later), the alarm is going off. Oh, it was a false alarm. Warehouse cats were setting it off.” Seriously! I bought into this every time.

  • “I’m going for a bike ride.” “I’m studying for a test.” “I need some alone time for a few days.”

    • Oh ya, bike rides. My late sparkle dick rode pretty seriously on weekends with the group on his expensive carbon fiber Cervelo. But I didn’t figure out until after he died that his lunchtime rides actually were to get to the townhouse of one of said group of riders for a quick fuck. How handy! 2 kind of exercises on lunch!

        • Didn’t make it out of surgery. Sort of a “have the surgery or you’ll be dead soon anyway when your aorta completely explodes “. He told me he thought he might have hastened the ending by riding so much and so hard..thus jacking his blood pressure on an aorta that he knew was dissected. Oh, that combined with the extra marital sex huh?

  • Oh, nothing but the prosaic going to dinner and a film with his adult son. I was so happy for them that they were spending more time together.

  • My ex FW didn’t even have an excuse. He blatantly paraded her around our small town while I was really working the next town over. He swore to everyone “She’s just a coworker, she’s not my girlfriend.” Right…

  • “I am going to walk around Sloan’s Lake so I can distress.” “I want the kids to play together even if his wife is at work”.

    • Sir Chumpalot,

      I’m assuming your ex-dingbat had a slip of the tongue, as in “Unbeknownst to you, I’m distressing you, causing you anxiety, sorrow AND pain”. Not walking to de-stress.

  • After he left, I found a stack of cards from his admin assistant, several of them thanking him for their “special breakfast for the two of us” –her quotes–that day. I suspect that was her or their euphemism, since she lived in another city and there was no reason for them to breakfast together.

    I also now wonder about his “we just kissed” confession about a work colleague. It was the first year of our marriage, they were at a hotel for a conference, and he seemed guilt-ridden when he told me. He may have intended to say more, then reconsidered after seeing how upset I was by the kiss.

    His employment in later years was intermittent because he kept getting “laid off.” He was constantly “working on his music,” by going to friends’ studios and lessons, all suspect now. He also went to music festivals in the mountains, supposedly with one of his friends, which he said were working weekends and not suitable for me and our then pre-teen, who would have loved to go.

    The best one, though, might be “I had to go back to get my glasses,” to explain why he returned to Switzerland for a weekend instead of coming home from Germany after a two-week trip. He claimed he didn’t realize he left them behind at a friend’s chalet, which is inexplicable since he couldn’t see without them. He later said it gave him an excuse to get in more skiing, so maybe skiing is a euphemism too.

  • The ex was rarely around toward the end of the marriage and I have no idea which “reasons” were euphemisms for cheating. I literally got “hiking the Appalachian Trail” (for which I went to great effort to prepare hiking food for him), tons of “working late” and “working out of town.” Also there was “running with a buddy” and “helping a poor single mom with home repairs.” Sometimes he would take one of our young sons to help with home repairs and sometimes he wouldn’t. It was very weird. It’s been more than 10 years since our divorce was final, so it doesn’t really matter to me any more.

    He came to my house yesterday because it was the birthday of one of our sons. The son wasn’t expecting him and was sick in bed. We hadn’t seen him in literally years. I didn’t answer the door, and when he rang again, I told him to leave or I was calling the cops. It was unsettling. Sometimes I think about moving, but I really like my house. It would be nice if he didn’t know my address, but I refuse to make decisions based on the asshat.

    • Lizzie Lee, you be careful!! Does your son know to not let that cheater in your house? This is horrible. I’m sorry he showed up.

      • Oh yeah. The kids are all adults now and know that the ex isn’t allowed on the property. During the divorce there was some kind of mutual legal agreement filed with the court that neither would go on the other’s property. That’s why I said I would call the cops.

        • Get a Ring camera and if he does this again at least you’ll have proof and then actually call the cops.

    • Ooooh, I got the “helping a poor single mom with home repairs” too! And a long angry lecture about “irrational jealousy” when I questioned why he was still going over there after she’d moved into an apartment! [In my defense, I was very young and this was the longest relationship I’d ever been in.]

  • “Going for a ride,” decked in full matching stretchy spandex cycling wear topped with a little cycling cap. For 8-10 hours every weekend while I stayed home with our three kids under 10. Next it was “going fishing,” as he aged and riding a bicycle was no longer thrilling but work. Also for 8-10 hours every weekend. We would have arguments about his disappearing acts on the weekends but to no avail. As I came to learn that I had married a serial cheater, it became clear what he had been up to our entire marriage.

    • For laughs, told to me by some Aussies on a barge cruise.
      Mamils-middle aged men in Lycra. On their 🚴

  • The x had a go-to excuse when he would be hours late “running errands”:
    “You’ll never guess who I ran into today.”
    Well now I have some pretty good guesses.
    Another one when I would wake up in the middle of the night (back then I was having a hard time sleeping at night alone after he moved to a spare bedroom because I allegedly snored) and he was nowhere to be found, “I went for a walk around the block”. This happened at least a half dozen times in the last year we were together.
    Later, when I was doing the detective work prior to the divorce, I did look at his Fitbit history. There were some very high heart rate spikes around midnight to 2 am.
    He walked all the way across the street to fuck the AP.

  • Sales conferences, late nights “working”, long bike rides, basketball leagues, bust most of all WAKES. He was such a good Irish Catholic Boy….so many wakes. He kept a blazer in his car. Couldn’t believe how many people he knew who were dying regularly. Turns out he wasn’t the one kneeling…..

    • That one is actually hilarious. Sorry for what he did, we are all here for the same reason. But damn if that isn’t funny. (I didn’t like my former MIL at all).

  • Oh I don’t know. Probably meetings, meditating, working late, going to the gym/bike ride, and other things. I was already so ‘obedient’ about him typically coming home at 8-9pm at night every day from work, and his frequent crises where I was desperate to let him have any time off he wanted to feel better, that I never questioned anything. Let me just reframe this: What it really meant was he was neglecting the kids and I so that he could indulge in juvenile fantasies of virility or whatever. *hole.

  • “Research for my novel”. This involved porn and sexting because (he actually said this when caught) he wanted to write romance because it’s profitable and he … needed more experience.

  • Another one from our cake-eating Dad:

    “I think I’ll go wander around Zayre’s [discount store similar to Target].”

    A couple of hours almost every week night for a period of time. Rarely bought anything.

    Sometimes he would invite us kids to ride along, even once in a while our Mom, and then appeared to do what he said, except now I think of it, we all would go moseying on our separate ways inside the store, so who really knows even then.

    I am only now still realizing, from time to time, the different ways he used us kids as cover, or to wound our Mom indirectly without us realizing what was going on. The cruelty was endless.

  • Mine isn’t that interesting: going hiking. It was strange, coming from someone who barely goes outdoors, though. #redflagsflying

    • Before ex started hiking I found a hiking bladder (holds drinking water) hidden in his truck. I asked him why he hadn’t told me he bought one and why did he hide it. He said because he thought I’d make fun of him.
      I don’t see anything about a water holder that could be funny. This was one of the moments I knew something wasn’t right.., brain tumor?

      • And if you’re like me….you were hurt, felt like you must be a bitch, that your husband wouldn’t share something so innocent with you because the ‘poor timid forest creature’ was afraid that you would make fun of him.

        • That rings so true! I was the big, bad bitch who asked too many questions and he actually used the word “hectoring” to describe my behavior

  • “I have to go to a collaboration meeting”.

    Since her AP was in the same experiment, I have no idea how many of these were real and how many were excuses for them to meet up for tax-payer-funded nookie. For sure the last one she went to was fake (it was one city over from AP, and I later saw her excited email to him about how she’d been upgraded at her hotel). Chumpy me, I agreed to teach her class for her so she could leave town; she and AP used the opportunity to plan how to leave their spouses the following week.

  • Having dinner with the Italians. Ex was an engineer & the company he worked for had machinery made in Italy. Several times a year the Italian sales reps would come to the US & ex always went to dinner with them. Lovely people & once we hosted them under our grapevine covered patio. Another time while on vacation in Italy we met up with some of them.

    After dday I found out these reps didn’t come over as often as ex said they did. It later became the excuse to be with his subordinate whore. Reeking of garlic was his cover.

  • I found it very odd that – now that I live alone in the home we had for 35 years – I only needed to buy gas for the lawnmower once in the spring. Five or six gallons of gas goes a long way in lawnmowing world.

    He played a sadz every Saturday morning because he had to make a special trip to town on his day off “to buy gas for the lawnmower.” I guess it was difficult to be away from his supply of blow jobs in the closets at work during the week.

    This played well into his poor me. He gave up so much of himself to keep our lawn mowed; to care for his ungrateful family. While I schluped home hundreds of bags of groceries, cooked, cleaned ,managed all of the children’s schedules and events, and worked whatever jobs I could fit in that wouldn’t interrupt my 24/7 required availability to him. The “easy job”, of course. Staying home and eating bonbons on the couch (according to him).

    Think I will stop by the chocolate shop today. I am owed many many bonbons.

    • When our smoke alarm batteries would need to be replaced, ex would make heavy sigh noises climbing up the ladder to remove the old battery. He’d climb back down the ladder with another heavy sigh.. Glare at me as he went into the garage to get a new battery. He’d come back in from the garage with another huge sigh climbing up the ladder. This would go on for about an hour. He’d then be in a bad mood afterwards..

      A few weeks after he moved out the smoke alarm battery started beeping indicating it needed to be replaced.
      Remembering how difficult it was for cheater I was prepared to call someone to replace the battery.
      Before I made the call I thought I’d try to replace it myself.
      I climbed the ladder popped the old battery out and replaced it with a new battery in one easy trip up the ladder. It took me less than five minutes.
      All his heavy sighs, and giving me dirty looks, climbing up and down the ladder going back into the garage was an act. He’s the laziest person I’ve ever known. It’s possible that changing the battery to him is hard work and wanted me to know he worked hard.

      • Brit, same here. Along with cleaning the windows, mowing the lawn, cleaning gutters, decorating etc etc etc 🤷‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😁😂😂😂

      • Same. Lazy SOB. Mine said one of the reasons he left me for his massage parlor whore is because I made him take the trash cans to the curb every week. 🙄 I still think of that every time I do it now that he’s gone.

      • Brit, X did the same thing! I changed the battery myself and thought what the hell was he huffing and puffing about???

    • I also got the sadz “I work so hard around here” routine from my FW. He had me really freaked out when I kicked him out that I would not be able to manage. Guess what? I am doing just fine and our little hobby farm looks way better now than it did when he was in charge.

      • It sounds to me as if many of us THRIVE when they are out of our lives. No, I don’t wish betrayal on anyone, but these cheaters are not good partners in so many ways that we don’t realize until they’re gone.

        • Yes, I am more than thriving with doing EVERYTHING he complained about doing, or rather, not doing. He was a lazy, complaining, entitled, narcissistic, lying fuckwit. I’m shopping for bon bons.

          • I totally agree. Even though I was devastated and still am, I’m slowly coming to realize how much harder he made our lives. He had a little cloud of chaos around him at all times. He was lazy- same stories about the huffing and puffing. The lawn mowing was the biggest event of the year. When I actually did it myself I was like, “was that it?” When I figured out how to do the taxes I was like “was that it?” He held onto all the things like that he could to make himself look busy and pitiful so I would both leave him alone and then praise him. He also kept an air of mystery about himself and how he spent his time. He told me that “the way my brain processes thing I just need a lot it down time.” It was so f’d up. Why do these behaviors go along with cheating? It’s so weird!

  • My best friends Ex told her that he and his friend – – – and I quote —“share passion for farming”!

  • Mine was an addict so he’d regularly disappear. I always thought it was because he was out getting high. It was causing great stress in our marriage because he wasn’t trying to get sober. Then it started morphing into “I’m helping a friend work on his car.” His friends must have had a lot of car trouble.

    Someone above mentioned glasses. Mine would always come home without his glasses and have to go back to find them. Our divorce was final two years ago and it didn’t dawn on me until last week that he was taking them off to have sex. Because I couldn’t figure out why one would need to take their glasses off to get drunk or high. I started dating someone recently and took my own glasses off and then it dawned on me what was going on. I was a pro at spackling while smoking that hopium. So glad I’m free of that nonsense.

  • I’m going to church to practice on the organ.
    Yes, the organ.
    He was a substitute organist for church, but still. Did he need to practice for 7 hours?

    • Sarah, I’ve always heard that all lies have an element of truth. He WAS playing with an organ. What a dick!

    • My FW was head elder at our church. He had thrice weekly elder meetings, always in the evening until 10pm or so. OW’s husband is a long distance driver and “in the evenings” were when she got off work.

  • Going to play video games at a friend’s house.

    Going with a friend to his motorcycle club meeting.

    • Hopium, LTC Fuckface belonged to an all black motorcycle club. He loved it. All of the members were guys he’d served with or long time friends. To a man they were cheaters. They provided cover for one another.

      That motorcycle club was a slap in the face to me as I am a very white woman. I used to live riding my motorcycle. I wasn’t invited to ride with them. Imagine that.

      • The FW had a motorcycle and he liked to ride. I rode with him but frankly I was freaked out after about 20 minutes. He didn’t know I had panic attacks. One time we were out in the country and a dog ran from nowhere, right in front of us, while we were going 55mph. The dog got kind of nipped but kept going, and we wobbled and were ok.

        When I think how my life could have changed in that moment, how I still had a teen daughter to raise, and that he was cheating even then, it makes me sick.

        One evening while he was working in the garage he took off for a ride and was gone for a while. I didn’t think anything of it, didn’t even ask where he went. After D-day I asked him about it. It turns out he went to his mom’s house (that was his alibi) and then took OW for a ride.

        After D-day, after I kicked him out and he was still moving all of his shit out of my house, he came over and offered to take me on a ride. I punched the motherfucker. How fucking dare he? And then he threatened to charge me with assault. (As if – he’s a bodybuilder and I’m a tiny 4’11”).

        Oh, and he tried to take my motorcycle jacket because “I wouldn’t need it” when he was gone. Nope dude. And anyway, it’s not like any of his other women could fit in it. Only in his dreams.

  • “Just helping a friend.” to his penis.
    “Working on a friend’s car.” in the back seat fucking around.
    “At the garage helping Mr. So and So.” at her house fucking around.
    “Working late.” See above
    “Cruising with the all black motorcycle club.” See above.

    He is just one huge lie. He claims “ I don’t lie or tolerate those who do.” while living a giant lie. His lifestyle is a lie. His honorable military service is a lie. His marital vows were a lie. This asshole lied in Court up until the Judge questioned him. He is a void, a lie, a hollow man.

    • “Just helping a friend.” to his penis – LOL!

      I met my ex after his military days so it was easier to get me to believe his lie about being an Army Ranger. (I didn’t find out that was a big fat lie until after the 2nd and final D-Day, when I started doing some digging into his past – found a whole stinking pile of lies and made up stories about heroic deeds).

      And he had the nerve to complain about other people who would claim to have been Rangers. Like you, I discovered (as you put it so well) “he is a void, a lie, a hollow man.”

  • There were so many!
    “Mowing the lawn,” when our neighbor was out in her mini bikini — If I looked outside, neither of them was ever visible.

    “Restocking the ambulance” was a good one. He was on an ambulance crew, and apparently that was the crew shorthand for getting laid. There is, of course, a horizontal surface in the back of an ambulance. One time he walked through the ER waiting room carrying a passed out, naked hooker and he said someone pushed her out of an SUV and sped off. That sort of thin does happen, but evidently the security tapes didn’t support that explanation.

    “Meeting at Kim’s house to work on the schedule. She’s married, so you don’t have to worry.”

    “Got called into the boss’s office.” That one took me a long time to figure out because the boss was about 20 years older than his preferred demographic, and fugly to boot. But he sure got called into her office plenty.

    “I’ll be home late because I gotta pick up a patient in Pennsylvania.” I quit driving together after the second time he did that to me. I’d have to wait (4 hours) for him or pay for a taxi to take me to my home in the next town.

    My shift started half an hour before his did, and in a different area of the hospital. He’d make a big deal of dropping me off outside the main entrance an hour before my shift started, and then “park the car.” That gave him an hour to fool around before his shift started. I got a bit suspicious of all of that when I heard via the hospital grapevine that he and the new EMT were routinely showing up 15 minutes late, together. She was 20; he was 55 to 62. There were different “new EMTs” and new nurses.

    “Studying ACLS with the new nurse in the MICU. She’s dating Jeff, and i told him I’d help her prep for the class.” Evidently Jeff dated a plethora of new, young nurses who needed help prepping for ACLS.

    “Checking equipment on the helipad.” A couple of times I asked to go along because I needed to borrow a piece of equipment for my ICU patient or just to admire the view. When that happened, he’d take me but it meant several phonecalls rearranging and placating the young woman he had actually planned to take.

  • “I lost my wedding ring in a beaver hole”

    “I’ve got to go find God” (when he wanted to take ANOTHER very expensive trip by himself)

    “I had to check on my trailer at 1:00am” (mind you, it was completely empty…sidepiece was next door neighbor)

    “ “Sidepiece” needed help with her plumbing”

    “I’m going running” (when he would came home in the middle of the day from his job and it would be blazing hot….he would come back from “running” not sweaty but out of breath and exhausted).

  • Part of what turns the lies into euphemisms is that you can never hear the phrase again without having a full physical flashback. That’s why I wish FW’s lies had been less pedestrian– because I’m likely to hear them a lot just randomly.

    Always from the phone:

    “I’m about to go into the tunnel. I’m going to lose you.”

    We know whose tunnel and he did.

    “My phone ran out of charge and I had to find a place to plug it in.”

    If by phone he meant schlong.

    “I parked the car in XYZ station (next to Twatwaffle’s pad) because the lot’s bigger.”

    If by “lot”…

      • I get a mixed pang when using it since my teen daughter blurted that out when she hacked dad’s device and found the smoking emails. She had other names for the AP that I borrow from time to time. “Beefy the danger pig,” “Bumstrumpet,” etc.

        Snark like that represents the kids’ trauma but also their resilience. They get into fits of giggles and one-up each other if the subject comes up. I asked a therapist if it was okay to let them sound off. She said it beats sobbing. So gallows humor it is.

        I think most side patties don’t consider this potential outcome– becoming the butt of a running joke for the next generation. That would put the fear of God in any normal person.

        • HOAC my adult children do not call their FW father by the fond term they used to. They refer to him as ‘Voldy’ and his AP has a name the same as one of the covid strains so she’s referred to as ” the Variant’.

          They snark less and less about them now so I’m guessing they are healing. FW pretty much discarded them because they refused to meet with AP.

          One particular painful experience was 3 days after leaving the family home (I told him to leave) he sent my girls a photo of a meal she had cooked for him. It was baked pineapple. My girls were disgusted with him and told him so. He just didn’t understand why how they could possibly be upset by this! His reasoning was that we always share photos of food together.. What a dick! However, whenever we look at menus now the phrase ‘gosh I hope they do baked pineapple’ always raises a laugh 😁🍍

        • Beefy the danger pig & Bumstrumpet have me absolutely cracking up, thank you so much.

    • I know what you mean. Mine wasn’t a phrase but I couldn’t go to the local supermarket without having a huge panic attack because the fuckwit did the shopping and that’s where he got the extra $$ to use for hookers. He also took waaaayyy too long to shop, so once I figured it all out the supermarket was a PTSD trigger. These assholes have no idea how negatively they’ve impacted our lives for years beyond their departure.

  • “Minor social misstep” — quote from one of her flying monkeys in the context of how terrible I was for not getting over it.

    • WTAF?!?
      A minor social misstep is more along the lines of being late to RSVP or using the wrong honorific when making introductions.
      Getting naked with someone outside of your relationship is not “minor” nor is it a “misstep”. It’s a major betrayal.

  • He had to work on a friends car. Then that friend had a friend that needed their car fixed. I would purchase the parts from our account and he said he would give me the money back. I never saw the money. Later to find out it was her car.
    Going to play pool with Bill.
    Overnights at Bill’s cabin.
    Wow, did I miss all those glaring red flags.

    • Half truth again. There was a bill. Several apparently– and you paid them. What a creep.

  • “Going to the office(30 min.away) to work out.”……we had a family Y membership(2 min. Away), and a home gym. The office had some free weights in a closet. “I’ll shower there after”…..

    “Stopped at Starbucks after work”…..he hates coffee, and throws a fit about how many pots of coffee you can make at home for the same price if he sees a Starbucks cup in the trash.

    I’m sure there are many more…decades of cheating; think I’ll go shoe shopping instead.

  • “Installing can lights”
    “Realtor asked me to help fix things to get a home ready for sale”

    All of the excuses were true. He just did her after he did them. In his mind that’s how he justified it – he wasn’t lying, he did those things.

    All of his lies had truth in them.

    • I tried to explain that a lie of omission is still a lie to x.
      He HATED being called a liar and would become enraged if I dared to call him on his lies.
      But when you tell someone that you went out to eat with “the boys” and forget to mention that “the boys” are your AP’s kids and she is also at the restaurant with you, then that is a lie. He did this kind of word game throughout the 40+ years we were married. Always skirting around the truth, but never actually telling me what I needed to know.
      I have given up on trying to get him to acknowledge what that he did was lying. He claimed (until NC) that he never lied, he just didn’t tell me the whole truth.
      Aarrggh! Maddening that he never seemed to understand, but I gave up trying.
      He’s gone from my life, just need a bit more time and work to get him out of my head.

      • I did this. For decades. I thought if I could only just explain it right he would finally understand. Nope.

        You didn’t have to explain. They KNOW. All part of the mindf$&@.

        I don’t repeat myself anymore.

      • Yes, me too. Always just a small kernel of truth.

        I also struggle with getting him out of my head . Terrible how nefarious these serial cheaters truly are.

    • My FW was the same. He claims to have NEVER lied to me in his 30 years of cheating because he always did the thing he told he was doing, but just left out the part where he cheated right before or after!

  • Countless business dinners for years (sometimes 2-4 a week very regularly, he use to complain that he just wanted to be home and eat with us, I just felt bad for him having to work so hard)
    On Saturdays he would, almost like clockwork, pick an argument with me over truly nothing at all and then storm off for the entire day and leave me to entertain the kids all day. He confessed years later he kept his truck full of all his tools, he would go to his mistress of 6 years home to build some shelves for her or other home project she had lined up for him. ( every project in our own home laid unfinished, but he would get angry when I wanted to hire someone, he was going to get to it,stop nagging him!)
    Going fishing was another and business trips out of town when he wasn’t at a business dinner locally.
    When I think of it, he was mostly not around, I thought he had the most demanding job on earth and it paid him well, so I never complained and pulled all the weight like I was a single mom.
    The hours that he robbed from his family to give to others behind our backs will always haunt me.

    • That’s what I still can’t get past…..the time and energy he robbed from his family…..the experiences his kids missed, how cheap he was with them……he sure throws money around now

    • Yes the time given to a FW is a great loss. Looking back on my life with him I’ve realised that I can hardly remember any time when he was truly kind to me. I raised my children as a single mum due to him having to ‘work’ all the hours. I felt so proud of all the ‘work’ he done to keep his family (we were always strapped for cash though 🤷‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️). I feel sad that I didn’t meet a decent man who would have given me back the love I gave. I was a super spackler and am only now just realising this.

      To anyone here who is on the fence about putting a bullet in their marriage/relationship no matter how many years DO IT. Don’t waste anymore.

      Hugs to you all ❤️

  • The Entitled One was always going to concerts with “clients.” I once made a joke about his “work concerts” and he flew into a frothing rage.

    Next week is the seven-year anniversary of the final D-Day when I found out — shocker — his concerts weren’t work-related and he had a woman in our home city and women in the two cities where he traveled frequently for work. (And those were just the regulars – who knows how many he actually fucked around with.)

    Not long ago he couldn’t pick up our son as scheduled because he had a business meeting. At a bar. On a Friday night. His current girlfriend is buying his bullshit just like I did.

  • Updating / working on the server of a client – Ex was the IT-guy for several companies. He regularly had to work on the servers during weekends /holidays – because this was less of a hassle for the employees. Since my workplace does this too (planning big IT stuff on the weekends) – I never questioned him. In retrospect I think there may have been some work done on the servers but also on various ‘ladies’.

  • “Work” was always a given.
    “Closing a huge deal” was another.
    “Work trip” – check.

    They were business partners so it all made sense.
    When they build the offices for their new law firm, everyone got their own office but they build themselves a huge double office.
    Because they “worked so closely” on every deal.
    I should have known when they also built a dressing area and their own bathroom! Because he didn’t like sharing a bathroom with the other lawyers.
    😳

    What continues to piss me off were all the nights he was stuck for many hours “in traffic”. “Construction on the bridge/tunnel”
    No cell phones.
    I remember the endless nights I would stay awake panicked because I didn’t know where he was and I was home with 2 babies.

  • “Running” with the “work gang”
    After work. (Work gang was one woman.)
    This from a guy with a 2 pack a day cigarette habit, COPD, 3 ruptured discs, chronic pain, and a partridge in a pear tree…
    NEVER could get him to even take walks with me, but suddenly he wanted to get in shape.
    Because of his past EA’s I told him I was uncomfortable with him hanging around with the girls after work, ( to which I got the: You can’t tell me who to be friends with.” )
    Later, after he said he’d decided not to continue “running” lol –
    I watched him leave the house with his stupid running shorts partially hanging out of his lunch box.
    I still recall the stupid look on his face when I said: HEY! Your shorts are hanging out of your lunch box.
    Oh, how his little mind was working overtime to come up with an excuse, to which I turned around, and walked away.
    “Running” yup.
    They actually did run… it was how their EA began, how they got to spend time alone, and then of course: the inevitable.
    “It’s not like I intended to hurt you”
    Uh huh.

  • The big trip where he carved out a bunch of time (as part of a work trip) with Susan of Seattle, he approached me (with a very strange level of excitement) asking gif I would be OK with him extending a work trip (“I wont go unless it is ok with you!”) to:

    “Go whitewater rafting in Washington with coworkers”

    Turns out he was in Vancouver, BC fucking Susan.

    Some of the trickle truth was that poor weather at the last minute caused everyone else to back out leaving them unexpectedly alone and “watching movies”.

    He was a supply officer in the military and keep meticulous recored of his trip receipts which I found after he died…I literally dropped it all on the floor after reading the incriminating page. Prior to that moment, I actually harbored a bit of love left for him. My love was dead before the papers hit the carpet.

  • “Working on my business”
    “Going to the gym”
    “Physical therapy”
    I didn’t put any of these up for the stupidest lies challenge because I never believed any of them for a second.

    • Mine would bring me home, announce that he had to go back to the office to do billing “because it was so noisy during the day he just couldn’t get the work done” and be gone long enough to fuck OW on my exam tables. “Working late” stopped abruptly when I announced it made me nervous to be at home with no car and I was bringing a paperback and sitting in the office with him.

  • Working, always working. Fukwit took a part time job driving a cab, because he had just opened a business that wasn’t generating enough money. Does driving a cab involve transporting crack addicts to methodone clinics and then establishing a couple transactional relationships ( two that I’m aware of) with drug addicts where he provided the favors- free rides and drug money, to have unprotected sex with them either in his cab or at their apartments? Hours of “ working” all the while spending weekends carting these crack addicts around. Handing money over to them, as he couldn’t pay his mortgage 👍🏼

  • “Going to Disneyland,”
    “Gaming with friends,”
    “Oops I meant to get a hotel but I fell asleep and ended up crashing at her house,”
    “Seeing a friend,”
    “Comforting her because she’s depressed,”
    “Giving her a ride home,”
    “Going to a drive in movie with him as friends,”
    “Going swimming with friends,”
    “Hosting my cousin who is visiting,”
    “Getting a couple’s massage as coworkers because it’s typical for coworkers to undress in front of one another,”
    etc. forever….

  • During the lockdown…. THE LOCKDOWN, FW had to check that his new restored bike (worth a lot of money that mysteriously disappeared during divorce proceedings) was working every fucking day!! Fix Gareths car… Who the fuck is Gareth??? Never heard his name mentioned EVER!! But when he spoke to Gareth on the phone he would say his name very loudly…. Guess that was howorkers fuck buddy name 😂😂😂😂😂. Check that ALL his classic bikes were working EVERY DAY and getting lost… every time, in an area we had lived for over 30 years🤦🏻‍♀️. However, after discard those fuckers didn’t get ridden for nearly 2 years!! Go out ALL NIGHT because his NEW boss was thinking of buying a 90grand merc and he just HAD to ensure he wasn’t being screwed over(unlike me his wife) … YES DURING A FUCKING PANDEMIC!! Arriving home after this smelling of booze and perfume but you know ‘new boss invited him in for a beer.. And then spray him with cologne 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️!! See a counsellor, cos you know ISSUES, spending 2 hours each week and hundreds of our cash not paying by credit or debit as one would normally on said counsellor during A PANDEMIC!!
    Going on a 2 week holiday to ‘sort his mind out’ during a pandemic.

    Thank fuck he’s gone 👍🏼😁

    Oh my I was a super CHUMP! But I’m free now.

    Hugs to you all ❤️

  • When on the phone to explain why he couldn’t get home that night:

    “The van’s broken down, I can’t get anyone to fix it till tomorrow, so rat faced whore has kindly offered me her sofa.”

    When he got back the next day, “rat faced whore said if it had been her, she’d have been really suspicious! I told her Chumpnomore6 trusts me.” Said with a smirk.

    Remembering that *still* enrages me, as well as the fact I was actually *glad* he’d had somewhere to stay. 👿👿👿

    • I know that smirk.

      There was an incident at our community fall festival that was suspicious as hell. Some tramp (whores best friend) ran up and put her hand over Rat faced whore mongers (RFWM) eyes and said guess who.

      I just stood there by the preacher and my best friend and we both knew something was way off.

      Anyway just before we went home my BF and I went to the park office where RFWM was and she (BF) made a snarky comment about the tramp and RFWM just gave that smirk and said Susie wouldn’t believe I was fooling around unless I told her. Which ironically up to that night was true, but at that very moment it all fell into place in my hopium addled brain. (I am using hopium after the fact, as it was not yet coined at that time)

    • Yup, I too was glad he had a kind friend who would let him stay overnight frequently when he was working in London so he wasn’t having to do long shifts back to back on only a few hours sleep due to long commute/ driving tired.

      I don’t feel bad for believing him at the time because of course I wanted my partner to get enough sleep and be safe. That’s normal & healthy. And because I’m the sort of person who has done that for my friends with the sort of friends who have done it for me. It was a bit naïve of me (it would set my spidey senses tingling now) but he was sexting women while I was in the room too – cheaters gonna find a way to cheat under pretty much any circumstance as this site shows, decent people will act decently no matter how much freedom you give them.

      He also blamed being distant and the sudden complete lack of sex on depression. Depression is a horrible condition (ask me how I know) and men’s mental health is even now not talked about as much as it should be. I encouraged him to spend more time with his family & go in holiday with his brother & see his friends. I was genuinely happy when he did. I will never know how much of that time he spent with other women but judging by his behaviour at the time I’m willing to bet it was a non-zero amount.

      It’s extremely distasteful that he was using friendship and mental health as a cover for his cheating. But that’s the kind of person he is.

  • “I am volunteering at the school today” which was everyday. She was having an affair with the church and school’s maintenance guy. She would be up there everyday screwing in his office and behind the confessionals in the church.
    She paid same guy to put a koi pond in at the house and then it was
    “______ is coming over today because Predators are eating the fish in the koi pond”
    “_______ will be here To fix koi pond”
    At same time she was sexting other people at night but would say
    ” I am going to bed early BTW I am sleeping in back room tonight because you snore I love you”
    ” I’ m playing words with friends”

      • I’ve been told that Words With Friends has become very useful as a cheating app.

        • WCB Oh dear lord I’ve just realised from your post that when my ex was playing online monopoly with AP they were probably sexting each other using a chat function. I’d see a text message from her asking if he wanted to “jump online” to play monopoly. Then he’d have a bath for about 4 hours (not a bath man prior to that).
          The day I found all the sordid messages on WhatsApp (which theyd obviously used to avoid detection) ex was enthusiastically explaining to our autistic son that dad hadnt had much sleep cos he’d been having a gruelling game of online chest with a German guy. His eyes were popping out of his head from the excitement.

        • “I’ve been told that Words With Friends has become very useful as a cheating app”

          I think so. I play it, because I love word games, but I’ve had to block and report a few really sleazy men, suggestive comments etc. Now my user name is ” I don’t chat” and I automatically block anyone who tries.

          Come to think about it, ex fuckwit used to play it…. 🤢🤮.

    • DrChump,

      Boy she was “active.” If it was just purely about sex drive you’d think we’d have been beating them off with brooms 24/7. But I’ve come to see that the “addiction,” if any, is to betrayal and the “attraction” is to betrayers.

      You had mentioned before that your ex’s APs tended to be abusers. Ditto here. FW was attracted to nasty. So I’m wondering about the background and FOO issues of your FW. Also whether she could randomly wax bitchy towards other women. To me this fits a pattern of certain she-cheaters.

      If the lamentable time I got stuck in RIC had any benefits it was FW’s trickle-truthing about what a back-biting, jatchet-mouthed, conditional, manipulative, two-faced bully the AP was and that she was a chronic cheater herself. Learning this wasn’t edifying just because I wanted to hear bad news about a poacher but because it made sense of a lot of things. He also disclosed that “nasty” had been his sexual “template” before he met me.

      I had wondered why the two girlfriends he’d been seriously hung up on before meeting me had been so unattractive. One would assume they had to have some draw and I wanted to believe this proved he wasn’t objectifying women. So by default you’d think they must have has character.

      Really bad character as it turned out. Bit by bit during the RIC fiasco FW admitted both former flames were bitchy cheaters and that they and the AP were all replicas of his mother. He didn’t recognize this himself at first but what he described in these creatures was exactly his mother whom I swear is the most viciously passive-aggressive person I ever met in my life outside one former male boss who was later credibly accused of rape by 12 women (who had been minors at the time).

      That to me is the connection. All sadists are masochists and vice-versa and that there’s some link to sexual violence. Because I tend to pry into the lives and backgrounds of bullies I’ve encountered out of morbid curiosity (and because bullies are weirdly cooperative with interrogation), the rape-legacy thing has emerged as a recurring theme. So I’ve come to understand as well that intimate betrayal ties in somehow and likely reveals a legacy of rapists in the family tree.

      I’ve noticed adult women “heirs” of family abuse/rape, even if they weren’t direct victims but just bystanders, might manifest this family legacy by an attraction to men who have an “eau de rapist/abuser” smell about them. Married, cheating males are great filters in this sense because they’re proven abusers. Female heirs of rape legacies might also express this as contempt and disgust towards men who are disappointingly “unrapey.” In their “kill or be killed” world view, only perps survive and thrive. That’s the winning ticket in their view while all others are victims and victims always “lose.” So they tend to go into an obsessive boxer’s clinch with the rapiest monkey in the room.

      It fits. Fw’s mother became a devotee of an ashram founded by a serial child rapist and only doubled her devotion once the founder and minions were exposed in every major news source. She also developed periodiic fixations on various corrupt married creeps and power figures she worked for in her job for an NGO while she was still married. She would brag to her kids about it too.

      Another thing unreflective rape-legacy women like FW’s mum seem to do is if any other woman doesn’t appear properly scarred and exudes too much healthy confidence and then there doesn’t happen to be an abusive enough man nearby to begin the sexual scarification process, the rape-legacy women will feel compelled to step in as “proxy rapists” by verbally traumatizing the healthier targets, typically as attacks on sexuality. That was FW’s mother in a nutshell. I’d seen the same thing many times before but FW’s mother’s behavior made the MO crystal clear. She was clearly exhorting her son to abuse me.

      Of course people who are chronically attracted to betrayers get frequently burned and sometimes wish to break the pattern. That’s where their experimentation with chumps comes into play. They’ll shape-shift into forms that are acceptable to the norm for awhile, change their “smell,” but the stress of fakery gets to be too much. Eventually they’re back to hunting for Mr. or Mrs. Goodbar.

      I think it can help to consider that the main takeaway may be that FWs ultimately return to dysfunctional factory settings. It really isn’t personal. But that’s the horror of it. Relationships are supposed to be personal.

      • Hell of a Chump,
        Amazing!
        FW said mom was raped when she was young. Mom married a cheater (her dad) who abandons them. Mom later marries sweet older man who really was great guy. He raised FW after her mother ( Bipolar) shot and killed herself when FW was 13. He had to got to court to get custody because FW was in foster with crazy uncle. She denies this, but I think she was molested by uncle. BTW all this has slowly come out over the last 22 years. So yes FW had a very traumatic childhood.
        . I do find it hard to believe she surpressed these feelings for 15 years but it is more than likely the case. She has returned to the dysfunctional factory settings. She certainly has adopted behavior similar to her dad with the cheating, lying and deception. Maybe she was trying to get justice for her mom by abusing me and now that she has achievd that she can discard me and move on with her true personality in full view.
        Thank you for taking the time and effort to share your experience and incredible insight. It is cathartic and has given me a much better understanding of my situation. I appreciate your wisdom.
        Have a wonderful Mother’s Day

  • “One of my many mountain biking guy friends needs to borrow your bike. Yes, your bare-bones cheapo bike made for a 5’4″ woman with a women’s seat. And oh, now it’s dirty and missing a piece? I forgot to tell you (s)he broke your bike, until you tried to ride it. But no, my mind was not on something else…”
    Of course I thought it was weird and of course I still believed him that this “guy” couldn’t borrow a proper mountain bike from any other guy. 🤦‍♀️

    • I think many times we believe because not believing is going to be so painful and we know it.

      Or maybe that is just me. I actually believed the last few months we were together that he was out riding around with one of the guys until the early morning hours, then going to work on the that morning. I finally admitted to myself that this combined with him screaming at me all the time meant he was committing adultery; but up to then I had honestly convinced myself he was telling the truth.

      Then when I finally admitted the truth to myself I hunkered down and waited until it blew over, like that was going to happen.

  • “I couldn’t sleep so I went to WalMart (at 1am).” Serial cheater ex never returned home with anything from WalMart. Serial cheater ex was a physician who worked nights so I actually felt bad when he couldn’t sleep on his days off.

      • Mine was the Doller General.
        Shopped there everyday, for batteries, bar soap, dog biscuits, cinnamon Altoids (?), you know items that can’t be purchased all at the same time

  • She called her serial cheating “learning experiences”! I learned a few things as well, like how cruel she could be at her core.

  • He said he was “looking for language exchange partners” but it was actually cheating. His texts to his EA partner that were only technically euphemistic made me laugh the most though. They’d call each other “my very good friend” at the end of every text to each other, like freaking middle schoolers…even texts that didn’t require it and made the sentence syntax awkward to include it (e.g. I’m in the lobby at work my very good friend”/”Awesome, see you soon my very good friend.”) Like they actually thought they were covering their tracks with that addition lol… so dumb. She’s dead now though, so I guess there’s that.

  • Oh, I have several:

    “Going to the coffee shop to work on my novel” = having sex with an ex-girlfriend who lived next to that coffee shop. I always wondered why he had to go to a coffee shop across the city when we had perfectly good ones nearby.

    “Going out to a haunted house after the show with the gang” = finding a desolate place to park and make out with one of the (also married) actresses he was having an affair with.

    “Seeing friends at GenCon” = spending a long weekend having sex with a woman he met on FetLife. Oh, he did attend the gaming convention, too, so technically he wasn’t lying, right? *eyeroll* He just happened to omit that he also had been planning to meet up with this woman and be a couple the whole time he was there, too.

    “It was just a friend dropping off a birthday gift for me from her and her boyfriend” = they had been having an online affair and planned that night to be the night they had sex. (At least I foiled that one.)

  • Sitting in his truck talking and listening to music,
    thinking in his truck,
    grocery shopping

    First Dday when I found chat conversations between Schmoopie and him referencing “truck time” – I was told that was just “sitting in his truck talking and listening to music.” Later, when he was doing his best at being better as hiding, he was in his truck in the back of the parking lot at Lowes for a long while because he was “thinking in his truck”. He also suddenly had to stop of the grocery store to pick up avocados after work most days and he had to do it himself even though I always had done all the grocery shopping before and offered to pick them up for him.

      • My ex sister in law was leaving her children alone to “go for a walk”. In reality, she walking across the road to the cemetery and having sex with her boss on the floor of a van. Talk about trash!

    • Truck time! Years after the fact, discovered an email from ex to OW when he told her “I just got back from ‘shaking it’ in the truck with you, and b&r had just cleaned the kitchen and cooked me dinner.”

      • Ooo..me too!! Trucks, trucks and more trucks..I’m sleeping in the cab of the truck tonight so I can get an early start in the morning and miss the traffic on the freeway. I used to make him a little dinner bag etc so he had something to eat during the trucksleepover. What a prince.

  • Worked on a law enforcement shift for many years. The SGT was always getting calls from his various women. The guys would say to him that so-and-so needed her microwave fixed when a call came in.

  • “Volunteering.” He actually was doing that. The part he left out was that he volunteered at the same place as his whore so they could get together after their shifts and have a reason they weren’t home. All they had to do was say it was an all day shift when really it was just a few hours.

    Another one was “working on the house.” We were fixing up a house to sell and he would pretend he was doing that when he was with her. I wondered why nothing ever seemed to get done, but knowing he is lazy, I just figured he was not working very hard. His whoring cost us a ton of money in carrying costs for that house.

    “At the gym.” Oh, he went to the gym alright. Her gym, which was 45 minutes away from our home, so they could be together before and after and chit chat during. He could look at her spandex clad, pancake ass cheeks pumping away in spin class and flirt with her on the stretching mats. He had told me he went that far away because he got a great deal at that particular gym. He’d be there all morning on weekends and would get up at 5 a.m. on work days to get a “workout” in. I thought he had developed an obsession with fitness and was worried about him. What a chump.

    • OHFFS, I’m reminded of a 90’s Adam Sandler act where “contestants” would listen to an audio clip and have to guess whether people were “making out” or “working out.”

  • As I cared for exFW following his shoulder surgery (for weeks), he was angry that his doctor was late in setting up PT for him. He then proceeded to schedule all PT, writing the dates on the family calendar. Turns out “physical therapy” was with his 20-years younger direct report. During a pandemic.

  • My FW STBXW started working outside the home after being a SAHM for several years. Of course, the affair started almost immediately thereafter. Working in the beauty services field, she would always have clients book late appointments last minute. For example, if she was working 9-4, she would text something like “Ugh! I just had a last minute client sign up for 5:30PM. I’ll be home right after that ones done. Love you!” Lo and behold, most (all?) of these last minute clients were the loser AP that worked part time while working my wife full time! During therapy, she had the gall to say “I never lied about being at work.” These people are just wired differently with selective memories it seems…

  • “Going to Walmart” at 5:30am during the first COVID lockdown… Walmart didn’t open until 8am. Working late on “f~cking Fridays”—hiring a hooker to come to his medical office. How he must have laughed as he sent that text.

  • “I’m going to go pray in the park.”

    And this would often be after dark on a Sunday night in December, January or February. Seriously. This started within the first year or so after Snakeface started going to sweatlodge ceremonies with Spiritual Slut and their other friends. He kept a pile of sleeping bags and tarps in the trunk of his car so he could sit somewhere in a wooded area of our local park reserve, even when it was covered in snow. I bought this excuse because Snakeface honestly relished winter weather because it was the season when he was least bothered by his asthma and allergies, and he enjoyed skiing, skating, playing hockey, and ice fishing. He’d also gone on an extended winter camping trip when he was in college, so it wasn’t entirely unreasonable to think he’d be in the park, under the stars, lighting his sage and saying his prayers.

    Hed have the most beatific smile on his face when he’d tell me he was going to the park to pray, too. He’s completely in denial about how he used his spiritual life to cheat on me and neglect his sons.

    • It is horrible when they use God to cover for them. In fact I would say: Blasphemy.

      One one of the nights near the end he had gone out to “ride around with one of the guys” and he evidently fell asleep on top of old schmoopie. I was getting ready for work and he said he was so late because he was counseling one of the guys who was having marriage problems. By then of course I knew he was lying, and looking into his snake eyes, I really felt the urge to slap the shit out of him; but I was afraid he would hit me back.

  • Believe it or not, he was “looking for a screw”. At least half a dozen times he would head off to the store(s) for a matching screw for some project. That meant he could leave for hours and return empty handed, filled with complaints about poorly stocked inventory, ignorant store employees or “cheap, Chinese-made junk”. I surprised him once and said I needed to go to the store, too. I reminded him to bring a matching screw. He forgot. So I showed him where they sold a package with a variety of sizes for a few dollars. Nope. He didn’t want to waste money.

  • just for background, I discovered my STBX was a cheating, lying, gas lighting, closeted bisexual. when we traveled, fuckface would tell me he was too sleepy to drive, so I’d drive and he would lie in the back seat on his phone. when I asked what are you looking at, just hoping for conversation, he replied, “checking the Weather”…hahaaa, he was on his Adult Friend Finder account, planning hookups and talking shit about me, the “wifey”

  • “I’m going to Vegas with my buddies.” I bought it hook, line, and sinker. And he married her there while we were still very much married – on our anniversary weekend no less! Can you say felony bigamy? Oh yes, I almost forgot….he was a criminal defense attorney. SMH

  • I’m teaching her to play the fiddle.

    We are meeting to check out one of the parks (they both worked for the parks department).

  • Many! Ex worked as a handyman in his retirement.
    “Just out to finish a job at Mrs. Kafoops house”
    Late home as ” had to stop for a milkshake!”
    Left a family Christmas as he “felt unwell” I rang to see how he was. No answer. “I must have been asleep”
    Among other lies, I believed them all.

  • When I would ask why he was working so much overtime, he’d say ” I’m just trying to make our family better.” Huh, I guess that meant, sleeping with multiple women while I was the person who took care of all household chores, the kids, a full time career and paying a majority of the bills. He now lives in a broke down rental house and I bought the marital home. Guess I’m the one just trying to make my family better!

  • For the most part, the ex lived his multiple lives in silence without explanations or excuses for his entitled behaviors. I now know he is simply a user and a liar in all things.
    I realized that the things he mentioned when he talked “at” me were HIS actual experiences about prostitutes and threesomes. Disgusting. I never questioned or reacted. I was numb.
    A few stupid lies:
    I fell asleep on xxx couch was his go to. Music blaring with no consideration of a family asleep.
    The tell all was towards the end after he had developed the habit of arriving days after an event had ended. I didn’t ask but he came in giving a bullshit explanation. At that point he had developed a pattern that I used to my advantage when I left. I was the documentation queen towards the end.

  • Mine was coaching a track team for children at a Catholic elementary school. He neglected to say he was having an affair with one of the athlete’s moms.

    He also visited his mother a lot because ‘she was afraid of Covid.’

    Turns out his mother (also a cheater) was helping her son and his mistress hide their affair from my sons and I.

    The betrayal was deep.

  • These people are sick. Mine was always working hard for the man (who turned out to be the other chump). What a hero putting in those extra hours. I had him on my phone contact list for years as “Australia’s Hardest Worker” cos it had become a bit of a joke how many hours he put in to do a very average job. I work in a similar field in a perhaps more challenging role and had to get it done in four days school hours cos the ‘wit was so needed at work and couldnt help with the kids. I thought maybe he was just incompetent (“he cooked a rat” springs to mind). After we separated my dad quipped that Australia’s Hardest Worker was hard at work alright. Cheers dad 🤣

  • OK, so how about this one? He would joke that he was “spending time with his other wife and family”. We had been together so long and I was so confident that our relationship was solid that I thought it was a funny joke. He worked and traveled so much and was home with us whenever he wasn’t working (or so I thought)-and we had been together so long and through so many stages of our careers. The idea that there really was someone else, who was married with a kid, was so patently absurd that he could lie with a version of the truth and it worked on me.

    • Hiding them in plain view.

      My fw did some of that. He would say things like: “Whore is dating a 50 year old married man”. Or “Whore was hanging around Joe Blow and she knows I hate Joe Blow”, or “whore knows I don’t like make up” This was all in the last couple months before the day of discard. In my gut I knew, but my heart/mind was not accepting it yet.

      She was his direct report and if I said anything, which I would usually say it is none of your business who whore hangs out with etc. He would just shrug and change the subject.

  • “Going to the grocery store,” which he did, AFTER sex in Cum Bucket’s car in the parking lot…

    Also, “Walking the bridge,” which they did, holding hands, after having sex under the bridge or in his or her car in the parking lot or hammocks…

    Also, “Getting my hair cut,” which he did, at Cum Bucket’s house, after she gave the “all clear” when her boyfriend if 7 years (who pays her bills) left for work…Not sure which came first, getting laid or the shaving of the hair…

  • I heard
    *”homework”
    *”i went to a movie”
    *”I slept in” (he’d get hotel rooms but not use them til just before checkout and wouldn’t go into work til after)
    *”we were out late for dinner” (with coworkers)
    *”i have practice”

  • “Going to hit balls”…I always thought at the driving range. Took me finding viagra and pot in exFW’s golf bag (65 year old senior executive) to figure out which balls he meant.

  • The only one I can come up with was what the FW said to me about his new girlfriend after he moved out.

    “It’s not what you think”.

    I guess that was a euphemism for exactly what I was thinking. Or he thinks I’m a gullible imbecile.

  • He said he was directed by his military chaplain to leave the next day to “go visit his parents’ graves.” They are buried 10 states away.

    Without telling him, I had a local florist deliver an arrangement to the gravesite. The Colonel never made it to the cemetery.

  • I stumble (now) over the most common euphemism – having an “affair”. An affair is a catered event with a shared time, location and guest list.

    There was no affair – he was fucking his best friend’s wife.

    • Good point! So sorry, but also sorry for schmoopie’s Chump. Being chummed sucks but I imagine it is exponentially worse when FW cheats with best friend.

    • Agreed, I generally use the word adultery, because to me that is what it is. Not going to pretty it up with a sweet word.

  • “spending time with her parents ” on the other side of the country .
    Technically correct, she would spend the daytime with her parents. At nighttime she would go to the pub and hook up with men.

  • I’m going to visit “Bob.” Bob lived two hours away.

    After D-day, Bob’s wife would tell me that x didn’t visit as often as he said he did.

    SOooo, x used Bob. Oh, and Bob complained that x betrayed him. And yet, Bob remains friends with x. I don’t get it.

    • I get it. Bob understands that it was ” an unloving marriage ” his friend needed to get away from. Your ex was the victim…

      • Yep. I’m sure you’re right. Apparently, when Bob learned of the affair, he said, “This happens all the time. Marriages end.”

        I wanted to scream.

  • We went to the gym every morning…drove separately because I always left the gym before him so I could get the kids ready for school (appliance duties). One morning I left before him, got to the gym and had been there probably 15 minutes when he called and said he was on the way. He had to take a shit and all the stoplights were catching him. Found out later he dropped by his girlfriends for a quickie…she lived in our rental house around the corner from our house. So I guess she was him “taking a shit”..so fitting lol

  • Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not fucking him. I’m not taking drugs with him. I’m with a friend who understands me. I need my space. Please give me my space.

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