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Gain a Life Tuesday: Karma and Trading Up

On Tuesdays we occasionally feature great Tuesday (The Day The Pain Stops) stories. “Nancy” posted this on a private page and it was too good not to share. Happy Tuesday, CN! — Tracy

Karma really is the best.

The girl my ex-husband cheated with was also married. She was carrying on with my then-husband for the attention, but keeping it from her husband because she didn’t want to give up what he had to offer. (He had a lot more to offer across the board than mine did).

But I eventually found out who she was, tracked her husband down, and told him everything. We became friendly, talked quite a bit, and he ended up divorcing her and I ended up divorcing my husband.

She and my ex-husband moved in together and are renting someone else’s house. And at first it made me furious and upset to even think about her being anywhere near my kids when they went to visit their father, like, I hated her guts.

But honestly, I don’t anymore.

Her husband was better looking than mine. He was in better physical shape than mine. He made way more money than mine. He was a better dad to their kids than mine was to ours. He provided her with a big beautiful house. She never had to work. And now he’s divorced her and he’s in a relationship with a smart beautiful girl who has a great job and they just got engaged, he sold his house, and he’s moving in with his fiancé in June. The kids are going with him.

[Schmoopie] has lost him and everything he came with to the point of no return. He’s genuinely a nice guy. I’m happy for him. He told me a few days ago, when he sent me a pic of the engagement ring he bought, that he’s so glad I messaged him to tell him what was going on and that he’s so much happier now.

What does she have now? She has my ex who is lazy, unmotivated, a packrat slob, dresses like he thinks he’s 20 (he’s late 40s), hasn’t had a job in I don’t know how long, who is using her alimony to pay me child support, and to pay rent etc., doesn’t have a car and drives hers around, comes with quite a few annoying or gross habits, and had to start Viagra, as I discovered just before he moved out just over two years ago.

He’s a loser.

And as for me, I own the home that he had to leave, I didn’t have to give up living with my kids, and I’ve been in a relationship with a really cute guy for just about 10 months now, who also owns a home, is a great dad to his kids, is hardworking and responsible and fun to be with, etc. I am so much happier with him than I was for many years with my ex.

It doesn’t even bother me to hear her name anymore — any comments from my youngest about her will just get an “Oh yeah?” Or a “That’s nice,” while inside I’m just mildly amused now knowing she leveled way down with my ex, while her ex and I both leveled way up with our current partners and living situations.

Sometimes when something feels like it’s the end of the world — it really is a blessing in disguise.

— Nancy

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  • I don’t know if I’ll see exactly this kind of Karma, but the expression “the best revenge is to be happy” is pretty true in my case. I’m so happy I got dumped for the OW. I would have spent my entire life trying to make the fuckwit happy except that I just couldn’t put up with the adultery. Almost 8 years past divorce, I am very happy. I found a wonderful man who treats me great. I never knew what it felt like to be cherished before he came into my life. I don’t have a clue if the fuckwit and his skank are happy or not, but I certainly am.

    • It will be 8 years this Memorial Day. Living better was my solution while ignoring the OW who harassed and stalked for years. Finally, they moved to an elderly park down south.

      My granddaughter is in college and I have another under two. I’m retiring and living a wonderful life single and happy.

  • In my situation, schmoopie left her husband for mine, also leaving her house and the privilege of being a stay at home wife/mom (she stayed at home even before kids, even though she had started working when FW met her). Her ex married someone else as soon as the ink was dry on the divorce. His family commented on his photos “it’s so nice to see you smiling again”. I didn’t really know him. I met him twice, and he seemed miserable both times (but then, I DID know schmoopie, and she was awful, so I imagine his life wasn’t great). Schmoopie always talked about how SHE divorced HIM, but I found out through court records that he was the one who filed (abandonment). (Unfortunately, she was a coworker of mine and our kids played together, so I had the joy of spending a significant amount of time around her, which was…not fun.)

    Schmoopie, my husband, and I all worked at the same place, but apparently it was uncomfortable for them (!) to stay, so they both went to work somewhere else. The 2 1/2 years I had to deal with them there were hellish, but I stuck it out and didn’t let either of them chase me out of my job. I’m still at the same company, and I got a promotion and a hefty raise. I have no trouble supporting myself and my son, and was able to get a nice apartment. It’s amazing how much money I have now that I am FW free. I didn’t realize how much of a drain he was on my finances until he was out of my life.

    While schmoopie divorced her husband fairly quickly, my husband…did not divorce me. He dragged it out for FOUR YEARS while schmoopie waited around. They moved in together a few months after he actually bothered filing (and only because he knew I was about to). Their “happy family” (her two kids, my one) lasted less than a month. She fled the house they rented, walked out on her job with no notice (not even a phone call), and left the state. My ex killed himself a few months later in despair. His “perfect” woman turned out to not be so perfect after all. I don’t know why he was surprise that a woman who walked out on her husband would leave him too. And since I had made the decision to step out of that triangle and leave them to each other, I assume they no longer had me to use as a target (or an excuse), and turned on one another. He also couldn’t stand that I was thriving – I was financially stable, the courts were leaning in my favor, I’d grown a backbone, I was getting healthy and wasn’t pining for him. It made him angry. I was supposed to be the reason why he wasn’t successful, but the evidence wasn’t supporting his theory.

    Schmoopie had poured thousands of dollars into my ex for the divorce and who knows how much other money to support him (he was chronically broke, in spite of a very good job). Since he and I were still legally married when he died and he hadn’t made a will, I got EVERYTHING and she got nothing. She had to start over (like I did), except she looked like a fool after the huge display they made about their relationship (never mind we were still married) on social media. I kept very quiet about everything, other than confiding in a few carefully chosen friends and my therapist, and stayed off social media almost completely (and posted nothing about the divorce, just stuff I cooked or whatever).

    I found out later, when I was cleaning out my stbx’s rental house and when I read his suicide letter, that their life was utterly miserable. Two depressed, angry, anxiety-ridden, suicidal alcoholics who had screaming matches and physical fights all the time. You’d never know based on their sparkly Facebook posts and happy photos. But my stbx was very abusive, and schmoopie was certifiably crazy, so I wasn’t really surprised. It was rather vindicating, though.

    I considered sharing some of the information (like her suicide attempt while her kids were in the house with her) with her ex husband, but honestly, it’s not my circus anymore. I’ll let them figure it out. (I would have invited him to attend our divorce hearings, since we were going to call Schmoopie to the stand, but we never got that far.) I got full custody of my son by default after my stbx’s death, which was a relief, as I was fighting for custody in court. That household was toxic and being ferried back and forth was having a significant negative impact my (autistic) son’s mental and emotional health. It’s not always easy being the only parent now, with no breaks, but my son is doing so much better now than he was before. He’s happy, he has friends, he doesn’t suffer from anxiety, he’s doing pretty well in school. I’m thankful that schmoopie is no longer a part of his life. She was the last role model I would want for him.

    I’m single and haven’t even dated, but not because I’m afraid of relationships. I just, at this point, can’t see what a romantic relationship would add to my life. I’m enjoying my autonomy, freedom, peace, and space too much. Maybe someday. I’m not against having a relationship, though I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. But if I’m single forever, I’m totally fine with that.

    I’m not angry at schmoopie anymore. I just don’t care. She was a (is?) a stupid little girl, who selfishly took whatever she wanted with no regard to anyone else. And frankly she did me a favor and gave me the push to get out of a destructive marriage, where otherwise I would have stayed (because I “loved” him and I am very loyal). Once I had some time and distance from him, I realized just how abusive my husband was. I am 1000x happier now than I ever was married. My life is full of good things, and I just don’t have the space for schmoopie in my head. Frankly, if I think of her and the whole mess now, I just laugh. It was ridiculous and something out of a teen novel (her letters to him were SOOO over the top), full of pettiness and drama. It certainly wasn’t fun or funny to live through, but now I can look back with no anger or hatred or pain and see just how ludicrous the whole affair was. And I like the person I am now. I’m certainly wiser. I’m much more confident. I have less tolerance for BS. I doubt schmoopie has learned anything, but what she does with her life is irrelevant. (Amusingly, she still harbors all kinds of hatred for ME, and not too long ago referred to me as her “arch nemesis”. LOL. Yes, I occasionally check her socials because it amuses me. She seems as shallow and hypocritical as ever.)

    I would say I definitely came out ahead.

    I’m at meh. It took about four years, but I did reach it. I never thought I would.

    • I feel the same way about my ex. The truth is that behind his phony nice guy image he was a nasty, controlling prick that didn’t treat me well. But I was willing to put up with a lot while I thought he was honest and loyal become I value those qualities.

      Once I found out he wasn’t that was it for me. So in that sense his trashy ex did me a huge favor. I’m much happier without him.

      • Kim, your post reminded me that I felt that way about my ex, too (honest and loyal). I guess we all did. I also used to let a lot of negatives slide (consciously and unconsciously) because I so highly valued those (supposed) qualities in him. I used to say to myself and close friends/relatives, when I could tell things were going downhill. that he might leave me, but he would never cheat. And I used to think, “If you can find someone better, more power to you.” Of course I was wrong. I found out he was a serial cheater for at least the last 7 years of our 25 year marriage (probably longer). But I was also wrong about him possibly finding someone better. He didn’t. Not worth the details about her, but it really is true that they don’t trade up.

        • I agree that they don’t trade up in character but there’s still a piece of me that struggles with the fact that he walked into a relationship with his mistress who pays for exotic trips. I am not holding my breath for the karma bus but I hope it arrives sometime. For now I am content that at least I have agency over my own life as there is not someone gaslighting and manipulating me ????.

    • You seem surprisingly well adjusted after that horror you lived through. You are mighty!
      Your comment about her letters to him being something out of a “teen novel” reminded me of emails XW sent to AP. Over the top dramatic like Junior High School. It was all so childish. I had no idea these kind of thoughts went through head. I am a steady 24/7/365 kind of guy and I must have projected that onto her, because her writing was so squirrely.

      • I would be so turned off if someone sent me letters like that. It just seems so fake. Or utterly delusional. Neither option is appealing.

        It also was pathetic, really – so much was her expressing how grateful she was that someone so great as him had deigned to notice her. Ugh. Have some dignity.

      • Schmoopie’s last howl to FW as she wailed and wept over the phone post D-Day dumping, “I don’t have the courage to fight for our love!!”

        Our love. How very seventh grade soap addict. Gack. I’d already retained an attorney and had been sent full color pix and video of FW and the AP out drinking and stumbling glumly to her basement dump, so there was no hopium for me in the fact that FW so brutally dumped the AP. It was all about his professional and family image. But I imagine from Schmoop’s corny OTT rhapsody at the end that when the affair was ongoing that they were like that maudlin Pam and Tommy sex tape. Except she was a dumpy provincial barfly with acne and he an aging dad so without the sculpted physiques and flowing locks.

    • “I would say I definitely came out ahead.”

      Which, of course, is why schmoopie continues to hate you.
      “Arch nemesis?” ???? What a kook. I am somewhat surprised that an OW would even know that term. Most of them seem to be dumb AF and have the language skills of a 7th grader. Maybe she got it from a comic book.

      “I’m single and haven’t even dated, but not because I’m afraid of relationships. I just, at this point, can’t see what a romantic relationship would add to my life.”

      Me too. It seems like too much bother. I want peace and I don’t want to deal with anybody bullshit. There’s always some bullshit to deal with in any relationship, even if the person is not a narc. After 30+ years with FW and the Borderline PD freak I was with before him, I’ve had enough of trying to communicate with unreasonable people. I don’t have the energy or patience left to fine tune my picker and get out there either. I’m not so much afraid as I am tired.

      I’m so happy your son is doing better without those freaks in his life. ????

      Both during FW’s cheating and after Dday, my daughter was made physically ill by the toxic presence of FW, often to the point of vomiting. We did not know that was the cause until we left him. For years she had endless tests to try to find a physical cause. Needless to say, her life has been greatly improved.

      • Oh, she fancies herself a “writer”. (But her book SUUUUCKED. Like, truly amateur.) Maybe she was considered intelligent in the podunk town she grew up in, but in the great scheme of things, she’s pretty stupid. She does like comic books, though. It’s one of the things she and FW bonded over.

        Likewise, I just don’t want to deal with another person’s issues. Unfortunately, in your 40s, you aren’t going to find someone without baggage of some kind, and everyone has issues even if they are good people. I don’t have the energy. Nor am I particularly willing to devote my time to forming a relationship. Between work and my son, what little alone time I can find is precious to me.

        My son was so distressed by the situation at his dad’s house (and the back and forth) that he threatened self harm (at age 8), saying he just didn’t want to live anymore because it was too hard. I ended up hospitalizing him in a children’s ward for a few days. His dad didn’t even notice our child’s distress because my son already knew at that young age that he had to act happy when he was with daddy. He’d be crying on the porch of his dad’s house, begging me to take him with me, and then as soon as the door opened, he was all smiles and “Hi daddy!!”. It was really hard. Plus the fact that in the last few months before my ex killed himself, my son knew something wasn’t right. He told me he didn’t like to let his daddy out of his sight. When I told my son his father was dead, my nine year old’s reaction was “I had a feeling it would come to this”. No kid needs to deal with that. Yet another reason I don’t want a relationship. I just don’t feel like my son needs another adult in his life to potentially leave at some point or turn out to be a dipshit. OW walked out without a word to my son, never an explanation or apology, when she had trumpeted how much she loved him and tried to supplant me as his mother.

        • Your son sounds so wise and perceptive! Sorry that you’ve both had to deal with so much, but grateful that you’re both thriving now!

        • I’m so sorry this happened to you both. You are truly mighty! This is scarily similar to my situation, they drag the poor kids into their sick world and do their damage

          I too have a child who is desperate to impress FW ex and is experiencing extreme distress but puts on a happy face for father of the year

          OW is trying to prove she’s mother of the year and supplant me

          She’s dull, plain and twice my weight and with severe mental health and control issues

          Ex FW is a lying twat

          I hope they end up making each other utterly miserable

        • That makes me so sad for your son. What torment he went through dealing with that awful man. At least that’s over.

        • No child should have to be that wise. So glad to hear you’re all doing better. {{{{ }}}}

        • That is truly terrible. I hope your son never loses his compassion but always remembers to give equal amounts to himself. I was placed in a very unhealthy adult situation as a child and was expected to understand what was going on well beyond my age level. It did me no favours. That said, I did not have a loving parent to guide me. Hugs to you both.

      • years she had endless tests to try to find a physical cause. Needless to say, her life has been greatly improved.
        We had the same experience, I was feeling physically ill and having breathing problems for years. My kid was having panic attacks. All went away when my fw left.

    • “And since I had made the decision to step out of that triangle and leave them to each other, I assume they no longer had me to use as a target (or an excuse), and turned on one another.”
      Yup. Part of the glue that holds cheaters together is an “us against them” scenario. They thrive on chaos so when that is taken away, along with the sneaking around, clandestine meetings, having to lie to spouses/family, they only have one another. That’s when the relationship usually goes south.

    • “ And frankly she did me a favor and gave me the push to get out of a destructive marriage, where otherwise I would have stayed (because I “loved” him and I am very loyal). Once I had some time and distance from him, I realized just how abusive my husband was. I am 1000x happier now than I ever was married.”

      THIS! I could’ve written this myself. You should very proud of all you’ve accomplished and how strong you are.

  • I skipped an event last weekend because the host gave me the heads-up that x might be there. And he was.

    x made the three-hour trip with the AP/wifetress, but, instead of having her join him at the church for the celebration of the life of my friend’s mother, he had her walk their dog (an image I love). He later told the host that he assumed I’d be there and didn’t want to make me feel awkward. What a big man!!

    At the celebration of life, he watched as the deceased’s grandchildren lauded their grandmother. x must have been fuming because he’s not allowed to see his own grandchildren. One of his biggest worries is that no one will go to his funeral. So weird!

    Anyway, the OW is now saddled with a man who is moody, angry, selfish, and unpleasant. He might be a step up from her x (the one she cheated on) in terms of net worth, but he sucks. SOooo glad I no longer have to deal with that abusive, covert narc. No tag backs! He’s all hers now.

    At least the dog must be nice.

    • Woohoo for you! By the way, I’m interested in why you’ve tagged yourself as Spinach35. I can speculate on the 35 but why Spinach? I recognized myself as an Amazon Chump from CL’s book.

      • Nothing that interesting.
        The 35 is how long my mirage (thanks VH) lasted.
        As for “spinach,” I probably was eating it when I chose the name, and then I decided I liked the association with Popeye ????. Spinach makes him strong and invulnerable!

  • Love this post. The universe is mostly just, although sometimes we don’t see it right away. Most chumps would have stayed with their spouse if they hadn’t cheated and would have been in a miserable marriage with a shitty person. The common denominator with shitty characters is they all tend to cheat. Nancy gives a perfect example of a lazy, shiftless, selfish bum that she tolerated until he cheated. Nancy and the OW’s husband received a huge blessing that they may have not realized at the time.

  • Our only daughter has no contact with him. She was born after seven miscarriages. He was not only a cheating abuser alcoholic, but seemed to have pedophile tendencies and was getting scary around her and her friends. After divorce he swiftly moved a much younger woman and her daughter into our former home and I discovered though police records that he was abusive and creepy. The mother and daughter thought they’d found financial relief in him, but he also wore out his welcome on his job (flirting, denegrating, boasting, ego trips) and it’s tough for a 59 year old creepy narc to start over. Strokes took away sight in one eye, his erections, and impulse control. It’s stunning how much I spackled for him. I hear she’s planning to move out. I’m four years out and glad I’m not being abused anymore, but it still feels very dark, alone, and harsh.

    • Well done FWF for getting out and protecting your daughter. I too had to leave to protect my kids (my ex was arrested and charged for child pornography ???? – all completely hidden from me). Had no idea there was emotional abuse going on until I’d been out for 18 months. The longer I’m out the better I feel.

    • FuckWitFree, I am a stroke survivor myself. Your ex’s loss of impulse control is characteristic of someone who had a right-brain stroke (affecting their left side). May I ask if his vision loss is on his left side? I’m curious because I know other right-brain stroke survivors who tell me that they simply cannot control their impulses. One man described it as an overwhelming compulsion to do things even though intellectually he knew how dangerous they were. Luckily for me, my stroke affected my right side, and I’m naturally left-handed, so my main obvious deficit is the loss of my right visual field (right side of each eye). People like me tend to be overly cautious following our brain injuries. Hope you don’t mind my asking.

  • I don’t have a karma story, other than knowing that my disordered ex and the equally disordered ex-student with whom he was long entangled have to live with themselves, because I know nothing about the lives of either one of them. Some months ago I did catch a glimpse of my ex walking to his office when I happened to be driving by in my car, and what I saw convinced me that everything is very much the same with him, only more so, and reinforced for me yet again how glad I am that he forced me into a dilemma in which the only healthy solution for me was to divorce him. Yesterday, in fact, I commented on Spinach’s excellent post about how she both regrets and is thankful her ex wrecked her life but set her free.

    I am so much happier now, and very often I marvel at that. My everyday life is nothing special, but I am happy in it. Even apart from my ex’s astounding behavior after his trans bomb drop and disclosure about the ex- student, it is wonderful to be free of constantly feeling the pressure to feed my husband’s ego, manage his emotions, soothe his angst, bear the burden of his unhappiness with himself. But more importantly than this “freedom from” ministering to his problems with himself, it feels even better to be free to be myself and to own my own life. I don’t have a partner, am not in the market for one, and think it’s entirely possible I never will be. But even though I live alone, I have also “traded up”: after years of his devaluing and my willingness to blame myself, I know my own worth.

    • “But even though I live alone, I have also “traded up”: after years of his devaluing and my willingness to blame myself, I know my own worth.”

      Yes!!! Love this. ???? ???? So happy for you, Adelante!!!

    • Adelante,

      I’m in a similar position.

      Our divorce was finalised 5 years ago, about 18 months after Ex-Mrs LFTT left the kids and I to be with her AP. I’ve not dated since she left but I still consider that I’ve traded up; I’ve got me and I’ve got our 3 kids and right now, that is enough. Between the 4 of us, our lives are so much richer than when she was part of our family. I can only conclude that she is the kind of person whose presence detracts from rather than adds to a situation.

      I’ll stay single until I meet someone who can add to what the kids and I have, and if it never happens then I’m at peace with that.


      • “I’ve not dated since she left but I still consider that I’ve traded up…I’ll stay single until I meet someone who can add to what the kids and I have, and if it never happens then I’m at peace with that.”

        This, 100%.

      • I also do not date; not interested in the least (it’s been 4+ years out of a 21 year marriage). Just the thought makes me irritated and tired ????

    • This resonates with me so much! “it is wonderful to be free of constantly feeling the pressure to feed my husband’s ego, manage his emotions, soothe his angst, bear the burden of his unhappiness with himself…it feels even better to be free to be myself and to own my own life. I don’t have a partner, am not in the market for one, and think it’s entirely possible I never will be. But even though I live alone, I have also “traded up”: after years of his devaluing and my willingness to blame myself, I know my own worth.”
      I am in exactly the same place and feel so happy to be free (and free from guilt and blame) after decades of trying to make various dysfunctional relationships work. “Owning my own life”, that’s what it’s all about.

      • This exactly. I spent almost all my time focused on him, doing all of those things. It is SO nice to be free.

  • My attorney told me that legal justice was just one aspect of it. There would be some level of broader justice in time. He had seen it over and over in his four-plus decades of divorce law. The goal was to get me out of the crazy marriage and into the rest of my life. I got through the financial low by selling things, working three jobs, and saving the money from the house sale for only emergencies.

    Then I bought a lovely house after we lived in a dumpy rental for three years. I work remotely doing what I love, so I enjoy that house every day. I have fun friends and hobbies. People who have known me for years say I’ve never looked better in my life. The kids are grown and are successful themselves. They actually like me.

    I don’t go looking, but I’m assuming that he’s still living in the same place he ran to. There were signs that he’s not in a good place with his health and finances during the divorce and closeout. He wants a relationship with our kids, but they moved on years ago.

    There are some decisions that do indeed have consequences.

  • I had the unfortunate opportunity to look at FW’s financials to prepare for court (again) and even though he makes twice what I make, I’m in a much better financial position than him. My retirement account is the same as his, and I own the marital home, that has doubled in value since I bought it. He pisses his money away on dinner and drinks out basically every day. He has a girlfriend, but I don’t think he’s spending all that time out with her because he typically starts texting our teenager as soon as we sit down for dinner. I think his girlfriend is just fine, but I laugh when I think about how he would put down my looks/how I dress and how he became obsessed with aging. Well, his girlfriend is 10 years older than me and older than him, and she’s not especially attractive. I know that’s really petty, but FW was so awful to me about those things I now know that it wasn’t really about me. He just said those things to hurt and control me.

    • I get it, you’re not targeting the OW, but the FW in commenting on the OW. My ex was also critical of my looks & figure. He was especially critical that I had a snaggle tooth. Well, after the divorce, my new job would pay for it so I got Invisalign and my teeth are now perfectly straight. I saw a picture of OW & saw that her bottom teeth are all crooked. I laughed my ass off! I know that he will be picking away at her eventually like he did me. No, I don’t feel bad for her because of how the both treated me.

    • There’s a new study on using putdowns (“inflicting costs”) as a mate retention strategy. I think it must have been done by dorky grad students who can’t get dates because it has some strange variables and conclusions and misses the glaring fact that putdowns are abuse. But it seems when some men are concerned their partners might leave them for another guy, they neg. Another thing missed by the study is that cheaters project.

  • Go Nancy! Love to see it! I’m an unmarried millennial chump that blocked my ex a little over a year ago after coming across Chump Lady and haven’t looked back. Since then, life’s been great! I reached MEH as soon as I hit BLOCKED lol. I do single well so it was fun to be back out, dating and living my best life. My ex was everything you would want on paper (tall, dark, awkwardly handsome lol, engineer, never married, no kids, in the army reserves, financially stable, charming) but as we know NONE of that matters when the character is shit. Since then, I’ve met a man who’s far better. He’s fine forreal lol, tall, FIT, an assistant principal (I’m a high school teacher), fun (my ex was always working), financially stable, working on his doctorate, ready to settle down, plus an honest person with integrity. He’s also a previous chump so we get each other and are so over the games. So we’ll see what happens! But regardless, any life is better than life with a cheater! Happy Tuesday.

  • I don’t know much about how their lives are going but I did see one picture. Now, people may think I’m being mean focusing on weight but my weight was a problem for my husband nearly our entire marriage. And I was a size four for most of it. I lost the weight pretty fast after having our son because I was a healthy person. I had a good relationship with food and I like to exercise. But it wasn’t good enough for him. Because my skin was affected.

    I realized recently my eating was very disordered. If we were going to a restaurant, I had to look it up online to see what I could eat. I had all kinds of rules of what I was allowed to eat and when. I quit all that and discovered the difference between me killing myself dieting every second of my life and eating whatever I want whenever I want is a whole ten pounds. I wear a size six now, whoop de doo!

    Point being, the amazing girl he dumped me for gained a bunch of weight. She’s noticeably much bigger than me now. He gained a bunch of weight. And they found themselves another girlfriend who is very overweight. And as much as they might smile in pictures and say they’re happy, I don’t buy it. I spent 20 years with that man. He was tearing me down (to be helpful! he’s was trying to motivate me! *barf*) when I was in fantastic shape. I can only imagine what he’s doing to them. They wanted my bullet so badly, they got it. Enjoy!

    • What is wrong with these guys? My ex also called me fat when I put on 15 pounds (went from a size 2 to a size 4 or maybe 6 after my son was born). He also said his criticisms were to “motivate” me. Meanwhile, his weight yoyoed as much as 80 lb, and the ONE time I said something about the fact that he was getting a belly, he was furious and claimed I though he was ugly. I was angry at first when the girl he cheated with was 50 lb heavier than me, at least, then I realized his criticism of my weight had nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with making me feel bad about myself. Because when I lost 30 lb during the divorce and was stick thin (unhealthily so, and my doctor and I worked to manage my anxiety and get my weight back up) my ex STILL found a reason to criticize me, saying I was too thin and “didn’t look good”. So apparently there was like, a 10-lb window where my weight was acceptable to him. I also stopped working out after 6 months or so (I had started weightlifting when my baby was about 1) because he didn’t like the muscles I was gaining (apparently I looked “stocky” and he was “wasn’t attracted to me anymore”). It didn’t matter in the least to him that that was the strongest and healthiest I’d felt in years. Nope. It was all about what he personally found fuckable. Ugh. I have no desire to live like that ever again.

      • He sounds like one of those narcs who put their target down to control them. Its harder to keep you under his thumb if you felt strong & healthy & proud of yourself. Bonus points that he’d probably complain about your weight after he had to go to the trouble of sabotaging your exercise program.

      • He sounds exactly like my ex. No matter what I did or what I looked like, there was something to criticize and bitch about. While he was a scrawny guy with a gut. I look back on pictures now and remember things he was saying to me and it floors me how ridiculous it was. I’m sporty you weren’t through it too.

        I think mine changed his tastes based on whoever his current favorite side fuck was. So the goalposts would move wildly constantly. And ultimately the goal was to tear us down, as you said. People like that don’t change.

    • KatiePig, it’s so great that you’ve been able to break your disordered eating patterns.
      My weight and appearance was one of the main sticking points for my ex-husband. In fact, before we were even married, he told me straight up, “Whatever you do, don’t ever get fat, because I hate fat women and I don’t want a fat wife.”
      Chump here married him anyway. We had three kids in five years and of course I gained some weight. Throughout our 18-year marriage, I never felt attractive in his eyes. And he never bothered to hide the fact that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public.
      When I look at photos of me from back then, I look pretty. Entirely average-sized. But so very, very sad. And always hiding my body behind a kid, or draping my arm ever so casually across my midsection.
      What a waste of energy and brainspace.
      I used to hide/sneak my treats to avoid my ex-husband’s scorn, plus a number of other maladaptive coping strategies.
      I’m 53 years old now and weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant, and then some. And I’m finally okay. I eat what I want, when I want. I wear cute clothes that suit my personality. I’m healthy, happy, and confident. And too busy rocking my life as a single, homeowning, crazy cat- and plant lady, self-supporting full time artist to worry about the shape of my body and the number on the scale. Neither is a measure of my worth as a human or a woman.

      • Same here, Walkaway Woman. Last time I was a size 6, I was a too-thin looking high school kid. I always looked my best in the 125-130 lb range. It was never good enough for klootzak. Then when D-day #1 hit, I saw that not one of the OW was smaller than me. It was never about my weight; it was about control. I remember the list of foods he would criticize me for. Heaven forbid I should ever use butter! I ran 10k races and worked out regularly. Spent more than a decade counting my intake with Weight Watchers. And still it was all scorn from him.

        I admit that since his announcement that he wanted to move me along with him and then dump me, I have said F U to any attempts by him to criticize anything about what I eat or how I look. I wear the clothes I want, cut and color my hair to please me, and eat as I like. My weight has drifted up toward 140 as I have lined up my ducks but I know how to address it and I will do it for myself – not him.

        He will walk away from this with more money than me. I worked my butt off to take care of everything and edit his papers while he earned multiple degrees and traveled all over with a schmoopie every place he turned. He is cut throat at work, more feared than respected. He is technically smart but emotionally stupid. My getting a life will mean staying in the small town I am in at my boring little work from home job and raising my child while having fun socially with our many friends in the area. This is where kiddo and I have roots now and no matter how many schmoopies may be here, this will be my town when the dust settles. He wants the big expensive city and he can go have his big house and luxury car. But he will never have integrity. He will never be genuine. And he will never be truly loved because he only has the capacity to trick people into falling in love with a fake image. Anyone who knows the real him can’t possibly love what they find. No soul. Dark. Ugly. A liar through and through. No amount of money or physical fitness or number of OW he acquires will put him ahead in any way. I don’t worry about the karma bus and I don’t consider myself having lost for not finding a better looking, more successful partner in the future. I’m awesome enough by myself and if that is in the cards for me, great, but I won’t define myself as great based on trading up. And wearing a size 6 or a size whatever is also not going to be my measure of success. I will only be getting in shape again because it feels good and I want a lot of years ahead to travel and spend time with those I love.

        • See, my size six is 155 to 160 pounds at 5’4”. My hard body size 4 was 140 pounds. That’s part of why he was able to insult me so much even though I looked obviously fit and wore small sizes. I did a lot of manual labor as a kid and was very athletic and lifted weights most of my life so I have a lot of muscle.

          That has made me weight an easy target throughout my life because I weigh so much more than people think I should. But I’m so over it now. I’m just enjoying my life.

          • I once worked for a famous (and now infamous) rapist who psychotically hated large women and was abusive to his very scrawny second wife. Their teen daughter told me her mother was so terrified of being fat while pregnant with her that she ran 10 miles a day through all trimesters and the daughter was born prematurely at 4 lbs.

            This former boss was later credibly accused of raping a slew of minors. Little did his wife know she’d been entered into the Pickme death march to shrink herself down to nothing in competition with that bastard’s real fetish: children.

        • MrWonderfulsEx, control is right. My ex husband had major control issues. Coupled with massive insecurity, he just couldn’t resist any opportunity to diminish me so that he could feel “bigger” by comparison.

    • Wow a size 6-I’ve never been that small as an adult. This makes me smile. My FW told me at discard that he wasn’t attracted to me physically-I looked like a mother. So 5 yrs later I lost 30 lb and am in good physical condition, his GF gained 25 Covid pounds and looks like a rain barrel. He won’t like that. ????????????

  • I’m so happy for everyone with their awesome “next relationships,” but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit sometimes I get kind of sad when I read about all the happy “next relationships” chumps enjoy. I’m 5 years out and not even a date. My 50 birthday gift was my ex leaving us (with a text) and the past 5 years have been helping my teens survive COVID and abandonment issues and everything else teens survive. The mirror and scale don’t lie that I’m middle aged, even though I exercise and try to take care of myself. My daughter will be going off to college next year and
    I’ll be facing coming home to an empty house for the first time in my life.

    That said, I’m rocking my job, have great friends, I’m planning to get back to traveling this summer, and I have a great relationship with my great kids who are finding their ways.

    I’m choosing to see a theme in todays posts; 8 years out and happier than ever. No pressure, soul mate, but you’ve got 3 years to find me ????.

    To all of you whose beauty hasn’t been discovered yet post-chumping, I see you! Let’s meet for garage sales and lunch with a hike in the afternoon. If self love is the only love we’re going to find again, let’s do this right!

    • Hang in there. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find each other.

      I’ve had a lot of asks, and not a one was somebody that I wanted to spend time with. Not one! I’m frankly fine as-is though in my 60’s. One positive of divorcing older is that there are widows and retired people to hang out with. I’m still working but am largely self-employed, so my time is mine to spend.

    • Right on! I’m right there with you. “Trading up” is a nice to have but definitely not a necessity for mightiness.

    • Gettingthereslowly…I love so much about your comment. Wistful, hopeful and authentic. Wish I could meet you for that hike!

    • If self love is the only love we’re going to find again, let’s do this right! Love this!

  • The further I get from D-day, the more obvious it is to me what a loser my ex always was. When I first met him, he was living alone in a trashy mobile home in Texas and not working steadily. That should have been a Big Red Flag, but he was in college at the time, and seemed like he had plans, and I just thought he was in transition (*spackle spackle*). Our whole 25 year marriage, he never could pull himself together. He was always under-employed, always overspending, and even though he worked in construction and renovation, our house was always a mess with leaky faucets, unpainted walls, and faulty electric wiring. He just didn’t care. I spent all my time trying to support him and build a better life, and every time I turned around, we had a new pile of debt he failed to mention.
    When he left for his wonderful new life, he was so sure he was finally going to have a great life. It had been me and the kids holding him back. He needed a younger, prettier wife, and the freedom to do whatever he wants to do.
    Well, fast-forward three years… he lives alone in a trashy mobile home in Texas and he is not working steadily. He is literally exactly where he was when I met him 30 years ago. I am amazed at how a narcissist can live 30 years on this planet and learn absolutely nothing.

    • “I am amazed at how a narcissist can live 30 years on this planet and learn absolutely nothing.”

      It is astounding. Mine is almost 60 and still doing the same stupid, self-defeating crap. The only conclusion I can draw is that their brains are warped and don’t function properly. I read a study that showed many narcissistic traits are actually genetic in origin. So maybe it isn’t their fault, but who cares. They are poisonous and they won’t ever change.

      • Even narcissists and sociopaths that have extremely high intelligence, never ever learn from their mistakes. They will continue to make the same exact bad choice or mistake as if one day it might work out. Never does of course.

        • Honestly I think a big part of that is the entitlement part of the narcs. They genuinely believe they are entitled to what they want, when they want it and if it doesn’t work out, it is because of others not them.

  • I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says “just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”. I can’t say I have reached butterfly status yet..maybe moth. ????There are a couple positive things I can say about this shitty experience, my life is easier not stressing about FW, I have a better relationship with my sons and their families, I am healthier, my house is cleaner. Hugs!

    • Oh yes, way cleaner without a disgusting slob in the house. Much lower stress without a 190 pound, raging toddler around. Isn’t it grand!

      • +1 to this.

        For reasons I won’t get into here, I had to be the one to take a bulldozer and steam shovel into FW’s apartment after he died. It’s difficult to comprehend that degree of filth unless you’ve seen it close up. He had 2 siblings who also were filthy pack rats. They grew up in a semi-tidy home, so the behavior was not learned. I keep a clean house but our offspring are also a little … erg.

        Could be the slob gene runs in families. Don’t know, don’t care.

  • Love that story! My FW’s schmoopie had the common sense to know he was a loser and that her husband had way more to offer. She used FW for his slobbering attention and had no intention of dumping her husband for the likes of him. Sadly, when I told her husband, the poor fool stayed with her. She’s a compulsive serial cheater and textbook NPD, so no doubt in my mind she’s still cheating, although certainly not with my ex since he threw his “twu wuv” under the bus and gave me enough info to bury her.
    Meh. Not my circus.

    Feeling sorry for myself today. There was some heavy, noisy road work going on right in front of my house that was making my dogs bark incessantly (and they are loud!) so I couldn’t stay there. One of the neighbors even got animal control to come out there over the barking and I was ordered to control them or face legal action. Well, short of the barbaric practice of muzzling, there is nothing that will control the barking of a dog whose territory is being invaded. So now I’m stuck staying with FW. I had no other place to go, no friends left and my only in town family consists of two addict brothers with a mold problem in the house, to which I’m deathly allergic. Plus their cats, also a serious allergy.

    Well of course FW made it as difficult as possible, pulling a tantrum and demanding I self-censor to a ridiculous degree to avoid offending His Nibs. I said hell no, I was not walking on eggshells and trying to somehow (by psychic powers, I suppose?) determine which of my remarks, which would be innocuous to any normal person, might set him off. He backed down, but continued to be pouty.

    The place is a pigsty. It stinks, because he hasn’t cleaned anything in months other than run the dishwasher. He both lives like a fratboy and thinks like one. So glad I dumped him! Thank you, schmoopie, for giving me the impetus to leave a walking disaster. I really should send her flowers.
    His karma is living with his morose, self-pitying self in utter filth, with nobody in his life who gives a shit about him and knowing he is a complete, unmitigated loser. Gawd, that must be depressing. I actually feel sorry for him that he has so little self respect. I always say narcs have unhealthy egotism in place of healthy self esteem and he’s a case in point. This house is emblematic of what narcissistic collapse looks like. A guy from my narc abuse support group told me a story about his ex who collapsed to the point where she had maggots crawling
    all over her flithy kitchen. She did nothing but lie in bed (in unclean, stinky bedding of course) and smoke dope. My FW has not gotten that low…..yet.

    Wish me back to my lovely, clean and toddler temper tantrum free home ASAP, CN. ????

    • “The place is a pigsty. It stinks, because he hasn’t cleaned anything in months other than run the dishwasher. He both lives like a fratboy and thinks like one. So glad I dumped him! ”
      Why are they so disgusting? My STBX’s apartment is disgusting. He’s lived there for 7 months and has never cleaned. My home is neat as a pin and I have a 20 year old and 17 year old boys living with me! I’m so glad I don’t have to pick up after his cheating, lying, stupid ass anymore. I look around my sweet little house with it’s sparkling countertops and everything in it’s place and breathe a big sigh of relief.

      • My ex rented a beautiful 3-bedroomed farmhouse with a huge barn after I bought him out of the house. It was delightful. He was retired but did NOTHING about the tiny, tiny garden (about 20 square metres) with the rose bushes and let it get all overrun and the house was a pigsty. I’ve written before about him just up and running and abandoning the place so I had to empty it. On the floor was a set of curtains and when I lifted them up to put them in the trash there was a huge dog bone in the middle of it (he’d gotten a dog in February and abandoned it in May). You can imagine how that place smelt AND HE WAS HOME ALL DAY! Oink, oink!

        • POS abandoned a dog! ???? Hey, why not, they abandon their spouses and kids. It’s all the same to them. Fuckers.

      • Lack of genuine self respect, bone idleness, low standards and shitty values. They consider it far more worthwhile, for example, to laze around half the day looking at porn and cruising dating sites than to spend even five minutes cleaning.
        Those are the qualities of a cheater as well as a filthy slob, so naturally there’s a lot of overlap between the two. I’m not a neat freak by any means, but I don’t care to get sick from the bacteria on unwashed surfaces, look at a bunch of useless crap strewn everywhere, or smell garbage.
        Nobody with any standards for decent living would. We know FWs have no interest in living a decent life.

        • Why is this? Mine was pretty tidy, but…he didn’t do the actual housework and gardening and just thought fairies did it. I used to try every trick in the book to get him to help me…but, no. Funny thing is, my new boyfriend likes a tidy house, cares about his garden and his car, spends time planning things, for himself, for us. Does all the right things, calls his mom, calls his sister, checks in on his adult kids. Huh? Great character seems to just kind of be, well, normal. I find it so odd that cheating behaviour goes along with just being a general dirt bag. I don’t fully understand it…never will.

    • Poor pup, and you.

      I am dreading the fourth of July, my dog gets hysterical when he hears fireworks. We adopted him last year after my brother and his wife both died the same day.

      I knew he had this issue, my brother used to drive him out into the country for a few hours, but I can’t do that.

      I got some meds for him, and I hate giving them to him; but they do help him at night. Hopefully the local fireworks asshats will keep it to just a few days. Wish they were illegal except for the actually day of the 4th.

      I get liking them, but I don’t get firing them off for a week or so.

      • Yes getting tranquilizers from the vet is for your dog is good ! My neighbors dog had a heart attack n passed away from fright. Put him in a closed window room (not hot) w tv or radio on, sit with him. ❤️ I have cats now n they hide but my past dogs were terrified. Don’t give him human prescription for tranquilizers.. only from the vet!!

      • Oh yeah, I hate that. One of my dogs is terrified of fireworks and crawls in my lap trembling. I wish they would confine it to one day as well.

  • Married for 35 years which I thought was a pretty good life. Until he me the Owhore. I ignored red flags for year or so bc I was terrified of losing my husband who I loved so much and losing my purpose in life. But after discovering them together at her home in the middle of the night I knew it was over. My mental and physical health was deteriorating so I had to rid myself of him. They both laughed, tormented me from the day he received the divorce papers (sent it to her house while he was there) after legally having him move out he moved in with Owhore
    Karma stepped in… 2 years later Owhore died. He quickly moved into another woman’s home where he is today.
    He’s had cancer and open heart surgery. This woman takes care of him
    like a nurse. Myself, I’m alone and financially in trouble but I’m not being lied to and being cheated on. My life is hard but I rather be where I am now then living the rest of my life being abused. Stay strong ????????

  • I thought this story was going to end up with (Nancy) trading up with Shmoopie’s chump ex…now that would have been a sweet karma ending! Nancy, curious why you didn’t nab him, as you had become friends, and think highly of him?!

  • My FW didn’t stay with the AP, he moved on to someone new. Who checks off different boxes in his quest than the boxes I checked off. And there will never be anyone that checks them all off for him. He will always be searching.

    While I was happy and in love with him, I did regret that I didn’t get the chance to be alone after I got divorced from the EXH before the FW. Because of NC, the FW will never know that I am happier without him, that my life is more full and satisfying post-FW. And I will always assume that he is living an inauthentic life because he won’t ever take the time to figure out who he is without having a partner. His fiance may feel like she got a prize, like how I felt, but eventually his darker side will insinuate itself.

    And now that I am living alone (well, I have older kids) I found that I am way happier than when the FW was here and in my life. I tend to shrink myself to fit with someone else. I now have a boyfriend who is great, who gives me my space, and I don’t have to subjugate my needs for his.

    • The APs/GFs never stayed long enough to find out how much FW fucked up his life with drinking, finances, and family.
      I’m looking forward to the day when he stays with someone longer term and has to explain why he needs a co-signer on his apartment/car/phone, and has $0 in assets and owes thousands and thousands to creditors and the government.
      Have fun with that one! Can’t be my fault any more!!!

  • Here is Cliff Notes version of the saga that I thought (at the time) would do me in:

    After 17 years together, The Colonel abandoned me 3-1/2 years ago for a 34-year-old Army Captain (who was also 21-years younger than he was. Generation gap much?) Their long-distance affair had been going on for almost a year before he got the sign from the Whore-able Mistake that she was willing to restructure her entire life around him (as I stupidly had) including the lives of her 2 younger kids. The clincher “full steam ahead” was that she was willing to move full-time with him to his dream destination Caribbean island, a move that I had been unwilling to do. Visit / cruise – yes. Live full-time – no. (On his way out the door, he had gifted me with a written assessment of what I now refer to as “The 8 Reasons I Suck.” His # 1 reason? I wouldn’t move. A season of watching “Caribbean Life” on TV had convinced him daily limbo-dancing was his destiny.

    In the meantime, the Army got wind of his “extra circular activities” and removed him from Command, cancelled his 9-month deployment (where he was counting on getting the bulk of his money from for this new lifestyle change), and decided to investigate him not only for his military affair, but 6 other additional offenses. The 2 lovers both pleaded Article 31, the military equivalent of remaining silent to avoid self-incrimination. Misery loves company so they decided to get married. ???? ???? The Colonel was ordered to retire (essentially fired), a fatal blow his ego. (He has since rewritten history with the celebratory and joyous news that he has finally decided to “retire.”) Schmoopie’s military career was also cut short. As they were both ** ALL IN ** at that point, (???? Twu Ruv: “Look what we both sacrificed to be together!”), off they moved to the Caribbean island. 6 months later he was begging me to take him back. (He was more than willing to cheat on her for me – with me – the one he cheated on for her… no lessons learned). Their ill-fated shit-show marriage limped along for about a year. In any event, they divorced, not amicably. ???? ???? A big surprise to absolutely no one. He claimed severe financial, mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Apparently, the thrill of the chase and the clandestine cheating (along with trying to work around the visitation logistics of getting her 2 kids to / from her ex’s place of residence in the States) also blew up the relationship that was destined to be by “divine intervention.”

    Not sure who he is limbo-dancing with these days. ????

    Don’t care.

    • TYPO! I’m sure their activities were of a circular nature as well as “extra curricular.” ????

  • Some comments, for the single, from my “Chump Nuggets of Wisdom and Support” journal.

    “I’m not single. I’m in a drama free relationship with freedom.”

    “So, do you have a special someone in your life ?
    Yes, me. I’m awesome. I think I’m the one.”

  • Perfect Nancy. I love me some good old Karma stories, or what I refer to as “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”.

  • This July will mark 7 years since FW and I divorced. Since then, most days have been Tuesdays. I’ve been liberated in the fullest sense of the word. He’s no longer gaslighting me, homogenizing me, judging me or chiding me about my weight. I’m happy with the authentic, relaxed and peaceful life I’ve created. I love watching my beautiful garden grow while I work from home. And financially, I’m light years ahead of where I was when married to him. While it would be lovely to share the rest of my life with a high integrity, committed partner (I know they’re out there somewhere… maybe a fellow chump who “gets it”), I’m not actively pursuing that; if it’s in God‘s plan for me, I’ll be patient while He organically orchestrates it on my behalf. In the meantime, I’m breathing in and breathing out with gratitude.

  • Just wanted to share my own limited success, my letter was yesterdays post and the comments gave me so much support. Thank you all.

    Today i found out how my cheater wife keeps in contact with the AP, this is the one thing i haven´t been able to figure out, he lives in another country(it’s an online affair, they met through gaming). There are so many apps these days, snapchat, facebook, whatsapp, discord… it was driving me crazy not knowing how they were keeping in contact, i know i shouldn´t care, but for some reason i had this need to know. And today i learned.

    Last week my daughter met my wife while she was going home from a friends house, she was my wife from behind, and she was on the phone. When my daughter caught up to her, she promptly hung up. Huh, interesting. My wife works 15 minutes from our house, and i got infinite home office possibilities. So i sat at home today and went to buy groceries at the end of the day, and i saw she had left work(she was offline on everything) a few minutes ago. The store is in the only path she can take home, i go in, buy dinner for tonight, and get back out.

    You guys have to forgive me, i am not very far into the process yet, i am still untangling stuff. So i decided to wait halfway from the store to our house, to see if she was on the phone when she was going home. I waited for 15 minutes, she never showed. So i turn the corner, so that i can see our house. And who do i see, standing just out of sight of our house, talking on her phone? My wife. I had noticed this before when she was coming home, she was crossing the street at a different spot and entering the driveway from a different angle if that makes sense. Now i knew why, and i also knew why it takes her 30 minutes to get home instead of 15. Imagine this, i had thought of every app there was, monitoring them seeing when she was online, when he was online. And all this time, they were just calling each other every day on her walk to and from work. Gotta be a hefty bill that, 5+ hours of calls overseas every week.

    I am quite sure she saw me, and when i got home, a minute after her she had some bad remark “Oh wow, did i walk right past you without seeing you?! You must´ve been right behind me!” Yepp, i was, you lying piece of trash. I was.. surprisingly sad, i knew this was going on, i knew i was out of care to care for it, yet it made me sad. I wanted to shout, scream. But all i said was “Yupp, i must´ve been right behind you. Saw you taking in the mail though in the distance!” She knew i knew, and i didn´t engage. I went to the gym after dinner, without even telling her i was going out, i just went. I got home right for the kids bedtime, and as i drove up to the house, i saw her through the window. She looked out, saw and heard the car, and went upstairs to make the kids ready. And this is where i get my kibbles. As i come into the house, her phone is left on the couch. While she is upstairs. Her phone.. which has been GLUED to her, every minute of every day for the past 3-4 months. She brings it upstairs if she is changing for 30 seconds, she brings it into the bathroom if she’s gonna take a shower. She has not let this thing out of her sight for MONTHS.

    I’ve wanted to look into this thing soooo badly. For sooo long. But she did this on purpose, there is no way in hell that she left that thing there by accident. Because she took her time getting the kids ready, she went to the toilet, spent time talking to them, on the rare occasions she has not had her phone with her, she puts them to bed in under 30 seconds. Now she spent ten minutes. This was bait. She wanted me to snoop through her phone, because i didn´t confront her earlier.

    I wanted to look through it, to find out, to find out everything. But what did i do? I emptied the dishwasher, making sure i was as LOUD as i possibly could be, so she could hear me upstairs. That i was doing something else, then i went and made my after workout shake, i even used a blender for it this time just because, so she heard it. So she knew i did not look in her phone, because i don´t give a shit about her phone. I don´t give a shit about her fucking fantasy affair anymore. She can have her childless gaming loser of an AP, who spends 18 hours a day playing online games. In another country.

    I called out her bullshit, and it felt great. Just wanted to share.

    • It may be a small victory for mankind but victory it is! Not that I’m against gathering evidence of cheating if it helps with settlement and custody for chumps but it’s always better to do it cold-bloodedly.

      Understanding that they suck– both cheaters and APs– is deceptively simple but it’s like leaving a cult to shake off the false projections and mythology that abusers spin about themselves.

      You could read studies like I did post-D-day to “deprogram.” There are peer reviewed studies showing narcissists grossly overestimate their attractiveness. There are peer reviewed studies arguing that mate poachers uniformly show higher levels of psychopathy. Cheaters are more prone to violence and committing financial abuse. Cheaters catch and pass on vastly more STDs than even people in “open” or “poly” relationships. People who accept infidelity also tend to accept “rape myths.” Cheaters engage in the same elaborate learned system of rationalization used by serial killers. Abusers channel far more psychic energy into image management than normal people. And on and on.

      Science seems to know they suck. I was an advocate for survivors of domestic violence but even being armed with foreknowledge about how and why they suck didn’t completely prepare me to emerge from the evil spell of gaslighting. We all arrive at that “come to Jesus” moment with difficulty. You know how they say to be thankful you don’t understand crazy people because it means you’re not crazy. Give yourself a break for not understanding abuser psychopathy because it means you’re not a psycho.

      It will all be clear later. The first thing to do before being clear is to steer clear. Get out of her brainwashing orbit. Seek sane company. Guard your mind, your assets, your sanity, your children and your natural perceptions.

    • I agree our readers will get the context of these things, whether Viagra, OW/OM, or porn. Most of the time it is just a part of venting to folks who understand our pain and frustration.

      It is disturbing though what I have read about how porn is affecting young men.

      As an old lady now, I kind of joked about how in our day young men didn’t require us to rip our pubic hair out to look like a pre pubescent girl, heck they just felt lucky if we let them sit by us.

      Of course times change, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with man or lady scaping. (We had to do some of it for our bikinis). But still with the rise of young male ED issues, I wonder if too much exposure really is a bad thing, for men and women.

      I don’t know.

  • Just wanted to mention, having to take viagra doesn’t automatically make someone a loser. I don’t know how many times I’ve read that type of comment here but come on . . . No wonder men never want to admit they take it.

    • Good point. I think, however, it’s more the purposes they use it for which are being lampooned- cheating, going to prostitutes, jerking off to porn and hooking up with randos. I doubt anybody here objects to a faithful spouse or s/o having ED.

    • You make a great point. Quips about viagra should be qualified. Otherwise I agree with OHFFS: I think most readers understand the viagra quips in the context of cheating and that these aren’t a diss to men who use it in a faithful union (all power to ’em). But many a chump has discovered their cheating partners were keeping use of the drug a secret because it was being used to pretend to be extra virile for younger APs. Finding a secret stash goes under the red flags heading like sudden frantic manscaping, post-40 piercings/tats and the requisite sleaze-mobile purchase.

      More seriously, chronic porn use has apparently caused an epidemic of ED in young men and not-so-old men. Once upon a time only a tiny fraction of men 18 to 30 had issues and now it’s reportedly something like 30% (??!!??). I skulk on feminist sites to see what’s the latest buzz for the sake of my teens and I’m hearing about young men who can’t get off unless they plant their phones next to the heads of their hapless partner and watch porn while engaging in sex. Alcohol abuse causes ED as well.

      But if someone is open with a partner about using the drug, how wonderful that the drug exists, right?

      • Speaking of “Finding a secret stash” I cut my finger about 2 hours ago and went into the bathroom closet to get surgical glue from my rugby kit bag ( works so much better than band aids). While looking for it I found a box of condoms. They weren’t mine! I didn’t use condoms with wife. I just went numb realizing FW was using them with Koi pond guy and others. It was a box of 36 and there were 18 left. It took everything I had not to break NC. I am so f@#king angry. Anyway grateful for this blog.

        • Sorry! I had a similar experience-I found an empty bottle of viagra which was not used with me. .I saw white and blue…sooo pissed!

  • I wish this much happiness and levelling up for all the chumps out there xx
    Even just to be like “meh that’s nice” every time they have to hear about the loser

  • I always come in late in the day to comment. Thanks everyone for the words of hope and wisdom. I read Nancy’s story on the private page and thought it was great then. Good to see it here. In many, many ways I am glad that my ex cheated on me and that DDay was such a public reveal. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes I would have spackled the horribleness that was my ex. By the time DDay had rolled around our life together was a train wreck. I clung to him because I wanted to see him “get better” from his addiction and to be the husband I thought I wanted him to be. He was NEVER going to be that person. Ever. I just wouldn’t/couldn’t admit it to myself. He did a lot of horrible things over the years but I naively thought he wouldn’t cheat. I was very wrong and found out he’d been cheating on me for almost our entire marriage. But cheating was the one deal breaker I couldn’t back down from and i filed almost immediately.

    Sure, I played the pick me dance as my heart caught up with my head. Our divorce was final one week before all the courts closed due to covid (phew). Ex wasn’t there. I found out the next day he had been in jail for a week already at that point. He got out, again due to covid and clearing the jails of low risk people. Low risk to others. He died of an overdose ten days later. The kids and I were both sad but it wasn’t an unexpected thing to happen.

    Two years later we’re all mostly doing fine. My son struggles with anxiety and depression. My daughter is off to high school next year. Financially I’m better off than I ever was when FW was alive. Two months ago I started dating a guy I had known for a year. It just made sense. I wasn’t ready for two years and then I was. Sometimes I think of FW and get so angry but really, as sad as it is to say, we are far better off without him in our lives terrorizing our sanity with the lying and manipulation.

  • Schmoopie and ex have an on and off relationship. She keeps cheating on him, he keeps taking her back. I think that is his biggest karma. I was never able to trust him and now he knows how that feels.
    I, on the other hand, live peacefully with my children. We don’t have to worry about him and his constantly changing moods and lies

  • My wife started having affairs several years ago. I finally filed and we’re a few months into a divorce. I suspect she’s in for a rude awakening as well. All I can say….I’m in my 50’s, but look at least 15 years younger. I treated her so well… take my word for it. She wouldn’t go to college when I offered, wouldn’t go back to work and admitted she didn’t because it might look bad if she divorced me….and thinks she’s an instagram model…. In her mid 50’s as well, I suspect her looks, enhanced with lots of cosmetic and surgical help, won’t give her a husband who loved her anyway. I’m already noticing the choices I have and will have. I have a great job, home and never once broke my vows or looked at another woman during the marriage.

    I’m happy and have closure. I suspect she’ll not only trade down as well, but look back with regrets for many years. I almost, but not quite, feel sorry for her.

    Oh well…life goes on and I’m happier than I’ve been in many years.

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