He Says He’s a Sex Addict. Should I Keep Dating Him?
Dear Chump Lady,
I’ve read through all your archives and can’t quite find a situation like mine, and I don’t know what to do.
I started dating my partner about a year ago. He has an ex whom he had dated for about 2 years, and they had broken up about 2 years before we started dating but they continued hooking up until our relationship began. He told me a couple months into our relationship that he had slept with his ex after our first date, but we weren’t yet exclusive at that point, so although I didn’t like it, it wasn’t difficult to move on from that because it wasn’t necessarily breaking any established boundaries.
At some point a few months into exclusively dating, I asked him if he had any nudes from his ex still, and I clarified that I would be uncomfortable with that if he did. He denied it and we moved on.
Fast forward to a year of dating and moving in together — he tells me that a few days ago, he sexted with his ex. He said that he reached out to her and they exchanged explicit pictures and messages. He also said that he had found some naked photos of his ex on a flash drive and had looked at them several times while we’ve been dating (supposedly after the conversation we had about this).
He clearly feels really bad about this, and he has blocked her on every account that they were connected on. He says he has a sex addition, and that’s why this happened. (It seems like his turn on for that situation is that he wasn’t supposed to be doing it). I appreciate him telling me about what he did, but I don’t know if I should forgive, and if I should, how to start trusting him again?
Thanks in advance for any advice you might be able to provide.
Sad Chump
****
Dear Sad Chump,
A man just told you he’s “addicted” to doing things he’s not supposed to be doing… and you want to know if you should trust him?
A guy whose turn on is deceit.
So, you have no idea if he’s sorry, if he blocked her, or if his mother’s name is really Marion.
Or if you’re “exclusive.”
Fast forward to a year of dating and moving in together — he tells me that a few days ago, he sexted with his ex.
He tells you. You assume it’s a confession. That he values the relationship, so he’s leveling with you. That’s you projecting humanity onto a fuckwit.
More likely — his turn on is duping you further. Because he enjoys getting away with things. And your sadness is a hit of kibble centrality, and your hurt makes him feel powerful. And the longer you stick around, investing in him, the steadier his chump supply.
Why on earth would you stick around for that? Out of a squillion people on the planet, why would you put all your chips down on this one? You! You’re my future!
Do you enjoy abnormal pap smears? Hypervigiliance? Competing with his ex’s sexts?
If you think I’m being harsh, consider that you’re at the beginning of this chump journey. You get to CHOOSE. There’s no mortgage, kids, marriage bait and switch. This guy’s douche factor is on flamboyant display, all the dysfunction arrayed like peacock feathers.
And… you choose HIM?
You get a choice. He devalued you, and you don’t have to reward that. Because more of you is a GIFT. Internalize that. Your trust, your time, your love, your body. All a gift. And he shat on your gift.
Too bad he’s an idiot, but his idiocy doesn’t devalue YOU unless you let it. What are your dealbreakers?
I don’t know if I should forgive, and if I should, how to start trusting him again?
I gave you a Faberge egg. You smashed it with a sledgehammer. Should I forgive you? I’m hesitant to give you the Meissen porcelain, but maybe I should?
Do you see the idiocy of this? NO! Stop giving treasures to fuckwits!
Could they learn to appreciate gifts? Oh maybe. Start them off small, with gold fish crackers and slowly work your way up toward more valuable trinkets — but who has time for that?
The guy doesn’t have the basic skills for a relationship. It’s not your job to teach him remedial decency.
Oh, and that “addiction” label doesn’t give him a pass either — it means The Guy Doesn’t Have the Basic Skills for a Relationship. The addiction is his relationship.
Move on, Sad, before you get smashed.
Kick his ass out or move out (depending on who has rights to the abode). He is a liar. He will keep on doing this. Give him his freedom and let him get back with the ex. You don’t need this. Move on and work on those boundaries. Obviously, you allowed him to crush your boundaries. Show him that you have boundaries and get the hell away and block him. You really don’t need to live like this. You are worth more than having to stick it out with a cheater. Ask any of us here on CN how we know.
“Stop giving treasures to fuckwits.” And YOU are the biggest treasure of all. Value yourself and leave.
He told you about the sexting because 1) he wants to know what you’ll tolerate, and 2) he gets off on making you miserable, and 3) he wants to establish a relationship dynamic in which he is in control and you are always in reaction mode.
>he wants to know what you’ll tolerate
Pickup artists call these “shit tests.” You don’t want to be the woman who passes.
I know, I know, if you’re a garden-variety decent human being, Adelante’s list may sound dramatic or just bitter/crazy. But it is 100% accurate. Is it hard to believe that some folks’ operating systems are so effed up? Yes. But getting clear about the effed-upedness and how those operating systems really work, truly, that clarity can sage your life.
????????????????????????This. He may also be minimizing. Claiming he sexted when it was a full-on physical affair.
This was my first reaction, since he told you unprompted. He’s testing what you’ll tolerate and how you’ll react, to see what he can get away with in the future. Oh, sexting, that’s not so bad right? Probably he’s already gone beyond that, or has plans to, and is testing you or priming you so it’s just one more little thing when you catch him and not a big surprise. Don’t stick around to find out what he’s planning to test out next.
“Stop giving treasures to fuckwits!” would make a really cool bumper sticker.
I second this!! ????????????????????????
Wow, this is certainly depressing. What the heck is going on out there? I can’t even listen to NPR anymore with all the gut-wrenching news, and now this type of behavior is even questionable in the dating world??? Going to pull the covers over my head and hide for a long, long while.
Hey Sad Chump, I am so sorry this happened to you. Some people suck, primarily these entitled FWs. You can trust us because we have been where you are now. It sucks, but I promise the sucky feelings will fade over time, and you will live an abundant life afterward. Take care of yourself, and you can keep that FW on your prayer list, but kick him right on out of the bed. Big hugs! You can do it!
RUN! Run fast, run far. I married someone who didn’t divulge his “addiction” until five years into our marriage, I tried to help him, he claimed he wanted help, therapists, psychologists, sex addict self help groups. None of it worked because these people don’t want to change. They enjoy it, they get off on it and now that he’s told you he’s an “addict” he will use it as his get out of jail free card every time you discover the next transgression. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I told you I have an addiction, what did you expect”, I would be rich.
I endured another ten years of what can only be described as torture. He continued to cheat, got better and better at hiding it. Why would you continue with someone who is already telling you he is broken, love is hard enough without trying to fight the tide on something like this. Get out while you still can, do t waste your life on this (and I can assure you it is a waste). Run like he’s trying to kill you.
I also endured 10 years after this sex addiction bullshit came up. And once the RIC had me, boy was that my spackle. He can’t control himself; it’s an addiction!
Klootzak made zero attempt to do any work on himself after D-day number one when the counselor said it was a sex addiction. I read books, highlighted stuff for him… he ignored it all. After D-day number two when I was pregnant, he decided to go to an anonymous group for meetings. Then the location was too inconvenient for him so he said he would join online meetings. Know what he did at those? Picked up female sex addicts! He would fly out of town for “work” to hump them and if they could kindly share photos of their teen daughters so he had something to work with, all the better! He would buy gifts overseas for one AP and her kids. I had the pleasure of finding a box of such gifts. He didn’t spend one minute of his time shopping for Christmas presents for our son but some AP and her kids were getting all kinds of time and money spent on them. When I confronted him, he said she was just a friend from his group. Uh huh. And there were others.
At the point of D-day number two, I stopped loving him. There is a special place in hell for a man who cheats on his pregnant wife. It just gets worse and worse until one day, you ask yourself which date on the calendar would be a good one to file for divorce.
That is the point I reached yesterday. I have been lining up ducks and the timing is less than ideal but I will likely be calling an attorney and starting the process soon. I have reached my breaking point.
OP, you are in a great position to avoid years of misery. Sex addiction is an excuse people with zero integrity like to use. They think it’s a get out of jail free card and allows them to hurt you repeatedly and then shrug. This FW will never respect your boundaries. You will be an emotional mess and there will be a significant impact on your physical health. I am one of many here with major regrets that I didn’t run screaming when I should have. I hope the hell I have been through saves at least one other person from making the same mistake. Your current Sad is a fraction of what you will experience if you stay. Run away and go no contact. A better life is meant for you.
And run from those ‘addicted’ to exes in particular. You know only a fraction of the truth and you will be used until you have been drained dry.
This times a million!
‘If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I told you I have an addiction, what did you expect”, I would be rich.’
Same here, and also, “It’s not like you don’t know who I am.” The thing is – he wasn’t wrong! And yet I kept “fighting for the relationship” until he impregnated one of his side pieces.
Don’t be like me, run before you waste more years of your life with him only to end up utterly heartbroken.
I thought I could stay and provide support. Several months in and all I got in return was superficial “remorse”. But now, with my eyes now wide open, I witnessed more entitled behavior, disrespect, and basically all things pointing to me signing on to endure the same hell his own mother had locked herself into with his narc father. He had the nerve to tell our young daughter that he did some bad things but that I chose to not stay and help him…like it was still on me that things ended — because mom just didn’t have the fortitude, or some such bullshit. Not my job when his “disease” was not only clearly hurting him but killing me. Oh and I did have a dream that he was killing me…in front of our then infant daughter. Listen to your gut and get out.
Absolutely to the YES on this, Surfer Girl. I ended up with a cheater who used “sex addict” as his sorry ass excuse and then never tried to help himself (except to more addictive behaviors.) They don’t get better. They get much, much worse. Cut the infected flesh out NOW. Please believe us. We’ve lived this horror.
I so lovingly helped my husband discover his “sex addiction” that he would be forever grateful to me (PhD therapist’s words). He was hooking up with prostitutes, neighbors on Adult Friend Finder and keeping in touch with ex girlfriends. But with my love and support he could be relieved of this burden and our marriage could be better than ever as long as I didn’t tell any of my loved ones what was going on. Well I stuck my head in the CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) blender for a year and almost accepted that our marriage would need to involve regular polygraph tests, policing him and tolerating slip ups. Until I asked myself if I would want this type of relationship for my children. I took a step back and really saw my husband without the glow of being in newly married and without relating everything to his “addiction”. I saw that he was a compulsive liar. I found out he had been charged with a workplace incident and suspended for a week. I realized the subtle ways he was gaslighting me, how often he told me my feelings were wrong and how angry he would become when I didn’t “trust” him and some story he was telling me.
I feel for you Sad. I agree with a previous poster that he’s trying to see how much you’ll tolerate. I doubt this behavior is just limited to his ex-girlfriend. Many professionals don’t even believe in sex addiction. Sexually compulsive behavior is often just the tip of the iceberg and part of a greater personality disorder. As CL said, you have nothing legal tying you to this man. Please free yourself and find a healthy person. And whatever you do, don’t go down the CSAT route with him. IMO they are they most dangerous branch of the RIC and I’m still recovering from my time with them.
Amen! Geode, “sex addiction” is just a small branch on the trunk of a tree full of narcissism with all the arrogance, manipulation, and entitlement. These people seek out sex in order to fill their empty souls.
Same.
Lots of retraumatizing the already traumatized.
CSAT was the single most damaging thing I dealt with.
To the point where I’m now grateful that I have nerve damage and don’t want sex anymore. I’m 39 and used to absolutely love sex.
Not after all of the cheating and sex addiction bullshit.
Geode: Glad you got out! I do not believe in sex addiction. I think it is an excuse for someone to do what they want, when they want without any regard to anyone else. It is an excuse to move the boundaries to the “addict”. We are all responsible (or should be) for our own actions. People have no reason being in a committed relationship if they are going to fool around with others, stay in contact with X’s. etc. They should be honest, say who they are and get out of the relationship instead of making excuses for their behavior, etc. We should believe them when they tell us who they are whether they are explicit about it or just making excuses.
Mine wanted me to stay and hold his hand through sex addict therapy, was shocked when I refused. He cheated through the honeymoon period of our relationship, the new relationship energy and fun times. I was a great friend, partner, wife, and person but I can’t “make up” for all of the other “first kisses” he had to “give up” on “my behalf”.
He was selfish and lazy in our relationship, took way more than I ever got in return. I was planning to leave before I learned about the Craigslist hookups.
You want to spend your free time chasing strange, go do it. You want to learn to be a decent human, go do the hard work on your own. I’m done with you.
‘I endured another ten years of what can only be described as torture.”
LISTEN TO THIS.
Absolute truth, Surfer Girl.
Please.
Listen carefully to Chump Lady. She knows what she’s talking about.
What you know about is just the tip of the iceberg.
Not my x husband, but I guy I was serious enough to move in with.
Found out he was sexting an x as I was moving my furniture into the house.
5 months later I was in living hell and he ramped up the abuse to physical abuse. I moved out one weekend while he was out of town.
Within one week he was “in a relationship” with her on FB.
Fix your picker. Get some therapy to find out why you allow a partner to treat you like this ( my Dad was a narc and I grew up playing the pick me game as a scapegoat ). Once you are aware of this pattern of picking and tolerating cheating, abusive men -you will start to see the red flags.
Can’t fix him. He’s happy with the power imbalance. Run and go fix yourself. You are worth so much more ❤️
“Could they learn to appreciate gifts? Oh maybe. Start them off small, with gold fish crackers and slowly work your way up toward more valuable trinkets — but who has time for that?” Exactly. Someone asked on the FB page yesterday if cheaters could change. Yes, I think some can. But that sort of transformative work takes years of intention. Who has time for that?? For the sake of humanity, I hope some of these cheaters make the time. But it isn’t fair or appropriate making intimate partners – us chumps – wait around for the (only potential) transformation. Too much at stake.
Klootzak said to me once that he heard that maybe the addiction dies down as the “addict” gets older, less testosterone and whatnot. All I could think was, “Oh great. If only I waste another 20 years of my life, he may manage to be faithful when he can’t get an erection anymore. I get a faithful spouse in time to change his adult diapers and push his wheelchair. Oh, joy!” He spent enough years lying and cheating on me; he can stick his transformation where the sun don’t shine IF it ever happens. I don’t believe in unicorns.
My FW is now 73. He’s been “addicted” to porn for at least 18 years that I know of. I caught him in 2004 and got all the BS about changing etc. Guess what? Caught him again 3 years ago. They can’t help themselves. He had prostate surgery 3 years ago and was having “erectile” problems and probably still is hopefully. Doesn’t stop them being a creep either. Please Sad Chump protect yourself and RUN. I trusted him and stayed for 40+ years. They don’t change. Don’t waste your precious life waiting for him to change. You deserve a whole lot better like all at CN. Take care of YOU and let us know how you are.
What’s in this for you?
Seriously. What is in this relationship for you?
Because right now you seem to be letting him determine the quality of the relationship, and what you’re allowed to get out of it.
You get ambivalence, constant suspicion, regular STI tests, and the job of being Florence Nightingale to a sex addict.
Since when is this better than (a) being single; and (b) being free to meet someone who has relationship skills?
Don’t be that woman who’s trying so hard to be The Cool Girlfriend that she ends up living in permanent, uneasy, ambivalence. Few people thrive there.
Right on, Lola. Heartache, misery, etc. are in it for Sad if she does not get out. Sad: Read CL’s reply and the comments today over and over. Ask us how we know. Your FW has already given you the excuses he will use in the future and he will say I told you….There is no happiness in this for you. If you stay you will continue to learn new info, as someone said this is just the tip of the iceburg. Best to you.
After my telling the Predatory Opportunistic Parasite to “(straighten up and) BE A MAN!!” , his response was to whine “teach me how”. This happened at least twice.
Not my job, dude. Get the fuck out.
Hesatthecurb, this really resonates with me. I was older than the Lying Cheating Loser, and coupled with his parasitic nature and my codependency and control issues, it was the perfect setup for me to take on the role of mommy/mentor/fixer. The LCL and I talked a lot about the importance of asking for what you need in a relationship. He had zero problems asking. But when I pressed him on why he didn’t do the things I needed – and had specifically asked for, such as dates, random cheap flowers, small gifts on special occasions like my birthday – his response was “I didn’t know how!”
Fucking selfish loser.
Same. Oh, lord, how I wish I hadn’t fallen for that fake weakness! One huge problem was that I considered myself a “fixer”. That I had to change. It’s a trap.
“It’s a trap.” Absolutely, ChumpDiva.
From an old Twilight Zone episode, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIufLRpJYnI
I failed to include this was from a 54 yr old man w 2 adult kids-who will have nothing to do w him. At the time, his son was a Marine helping w tsunami clean up in Japan. Apparently being a man came easy to HIM.
If he thought there was something about his behaviors that should change, he would be personally, intrinsically, proactively motivated to avail himself of the many, many, many resources that are easily available in the world that help us grow and change. His admissions would be closely accompanied by obvious, consistent actions.
CL is right. Solid, honest, trustworthy, truly kind love is a gift worth more than anything. We squander that when we give it to people who don’t reciprocate it and who don’t treat ours like the most precious thing in their lives.
If you stay with a person who treats you like your heart doesn’t matter, that person will be fine, and you won’t. If you move on and embrace a life that doesn’t allow people who don’t value your heart in it, that person will be still the same kind of fine, and you’ll be 100x better than fine. Simple math. ❤️
Wish I could like this comment more than once! This! All of this!
Such a sad situation because the Sad Chump does not understand her worth!
Whatever it takes for her to learn that she is deserving and worthy of a healthy relationship is what she should do immediately after untangling herself form this “boyfriend”. He isn’t deserving of that title or anything close.
Move out/kick him out IMMEDIATELY. Even if she has to couch surf. This will only go from bad to much worse.
Two important things to remember and repeat:
1. When someone shows you who they are believe them!
2. Fix your picker.
A year may not be enough time for Sad Chump before putting all her faith into another person. She doesn’t state her age or personal situation so that may be a factor. Young? Rebound? Inexperienced?
I hope Sad Chump can get some individual therapy to fully understand her values, her boundaries and red flags.
Probably not what she wants to hear but it is what she needs to hear before wasting years of her life in a situation guaranteed to only get worse.
Hate being the voice of bad news but isn’t that why she asked?
Sad Chump,
I am sorry that you have gone through this. Seems like classic slow boiling of a frog. Even if you are unfamiliar with the simile…. you are the unfortunate frog and….leave the pot. Now!
Find a friend, colleague, someone you trust. Sit down with them and explain your situation and dollars to donuts they will tell you it is time to protect yourself and find someone who will care for you.
(side note: going to have to turn that phrase around….. donuts cost too much!!)
Surely the writer of this letter is trolling! This can’t be real.
Do you want to be with a sex addict? Yes? Then stay. Do you not want to be with a sex addict? Leave! Good lord.
There are million dollar industries dedicated to getting women to stay with these men and ensure their abuse. Therapists and doctors participate in it. I was asked point blank: “Would you leave if he had cancer too!? He’s sick!”
If you don’t know this hell, don’t judge.
“Do you want to be with a sex addict? Yes? Then stay. Do you not want to be with a sex addict? Leave! Good lord”
I would agree with you if the fucker had told Sad Chump this on the first date, but he didn’t. He waited until she had invested in the relationship, and they were living together.
Sad Chump is in the bargaining stage, and we’ve all been there, most of us with many more years, and heavy sunk costs. It’s very difficult to believe/accept we’ve wasted so many years on a piece of shit.
Sad Chump is luckier(although of course she can’t feel that right now), much lower sunk costs, and easier to leave. I hope she does.
Plenty of us accepted worse from our partners/spouses, so I doubt this is a troll.
I’m so tired of, “I’m a sex addict”. Don’t believe in it. It’s become a catch-all phrase to rampantly f@*k everywhere. The only issue is lack of character and integrity. There are real addictions out there where the body does become dependent on chemicals and the mind follows. Sex addiction is a cowardly way to escape consequences for lack of self control and respect. Nope. Don’t buy into that excuse, he apparently can’t control his “addiction” anyway and you do not want to set yourself up to suffer with him for years to come.
I’ve been reading here daily since 2018 and I’ve read countless stories like yours here. Keep reading.
Maybe you didn’t see it because you don’t want to believe it? That’s also a very common phenomenon among us.
In the unlikely event there really isn’t a story like yours here, allow me to be the first.
When X and I had been together two years, living together for one year, he had a female study partner in a junior college class. My gut was telling me something fishy and inappropriate was going on. He was telling me he was not attracted to her; they were just study partners. I didn’t catch them In The Act of actual physical contact. It was just a gut feeling. I didn’t know what to do. So I stayed. Not too long after that he admitted that yes, he had been attracted to her.
So there was the first lie involving other women that I can recall.
For my twentieth wedding anniversary, twenty-five years, one co-founded business, and one child later, I got a DDay and discarded. I found out that my gut had been right all along. That he had most likely never been faithful and exclusive.
He moved in with a woman he met on Craigslist. He cheats on her and continues to lie to everyone. I call her the Craigslist cockroach because when you find one cockroach, it means there are 40,000 in the walls that you can’t see.
If I could go back to 1992, I’d tell myself to pack my stuff and run.
The moment you find out they are untrustworthy is the moment to leave, IMHO. You got confirmation, from him, that your suspicions were correct, that he lied to you, that he is OK lying to you, that you can’t trust him.
Stay at your own peril, IMHO.
“The moment you find out they are untrustworthy is the moment to leave>”
Sad Chump doesn’t understand that the only person she has to trust is herself and her own judgment. That’s where the work is, to be able to trust herself to walk away from situations that are dangerous or damaging.
Trusting another person should only come when that person has demonstrated their capacity for honesty, reliability, and commitment. People have to earn trust and work to keep it.
Thank you, Velvet.
I should have left in 2010. His behavior was fishy; something was wrong. I don’t think he was cheating and I’ll never know, but something low-level was going on. A crush, sexting, porn addiction, who knows. Instead of leaving then I waited until we had two kids and I caught him cheating with someone else’s wife. Don’t be me.
Oh how I wish I would have left the Lying Cheating Loser the moment I knew he was untrustworthy. If I’m being honest, he showed me who he was before we even defined the relationship. I was just too attached to my cherished outcomes, and too sure I could build an entire relationship out of spackle. I wasted 4 years on that sociopath, but I damn sure learned my lesson.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Don’t we all feel that way?
I didn’t notice untrustworthiness early on, but I sure as hell noticed some moody, passive-agressive and just plain mean behavior.
Shortly after our honeymoon, we went for a hike, and, without explanation or warning, he stormed ahead. I yelled for him to come back, but he didn’t. I found him miles later at the car. Of course I got angry with him. He stayed calm and probably enjoyed (yes, enjoyed) my meltdown. And then I think I just directed the anger at myself. I say this because I can remember wanting to jump out of the car as it was moving at 65 mph.
That was my “oh-shit moment.” What had I done? Who had I married? I was only 24. Presents were still unopened. We’d yet to send all the thank-you notes. I think I felt stuck already. I just couldn’t admit that I’d made such a colossal mistake. Looking back, I think it’s clear that he wanted me to walk on the eggshells he threw in my path, to anticipate and cater to his moods, to read his mind–all to avoid getting abandoned on a proverbial hike.
It worked.
And I stayed…for 35 years, smoking hopium and spackling much of the time. So great was my self-deception over the years, that, when D-Day arrived (Oct 2019), I actually thought we had a pretty good marriage.????????♀️
When breadcrumbs are enough, people like me stay the course. I’m sure fear and embarrassment also kept me stuck.
p.s. I got 3 great kids out of that relationship!! So for that I’m grateful!
p.s.s. I’m at least glad that he’s 100% out of my life now. And I finally know that, in my post-D-day delusional state, I was absolutely wrong in thinking that he will change for the OW. If I can’t change who I am–and I can’t in any meaningful way–he certainly can’t either. He’s still a pathologically quiet, mean, moody AF, covert/vulnerable narc who enjoys deception. Add to that the constant rage and self-pity that must consume him because his kids are NC.
I now get why CL says that those two being together IS karma. I don’t really care but sometimes suspect that he’ll do the equivalent of running ahead of the wifetress on a hike. That’s who he is. If I were religious, I’d thank God for the 2 x 4 that knocked me out of my mirage. I’ve got a second chance at a good life.????
Let our stories serve as cautionary tales for the OP.
TYPO!!
Looking back, I think it’s clear that he wanted me to AVOID walking on the eggshells he threw in my path, to anticipate and cater to his moods, to read his mind…
BTW, In this way he gained control over me. I felt large and in charge because I was the more extroverted one, which I think tricked me into believing I was at least an equal partner. This is part of the confusion of being with a covert narc. They’re shy. Their control is more subtle and oddly insidious. I have trouble explaining it. Those of you who’ve been with a covert nard know what I’m talking about.
I know exactly what you are talking about. It’s so hard to articulate.
My X said he wanted me learn how to take care of stuff when he wasn’t around. We lived very remote and he traveled a lot. This made sense to me and I willingly learned these things. For example, I couldn’t just call a repair man to fix the boiler. I had to learn how to unblock a frozen line, change a fuel filter, bleed and pressurize the system, etc. Instead of him being all proud of my newly learned skills, which he demanded I learn, the more capable and independent I became, the more pissed off he was at me. (Covertly) Because what he really wanted was me to fail and wail for his help that he could then withhold (for many and varied reasons – you know the kind of narc that goes out of his way to help his neighbors and even strangers, but refuses to fix anything in his own house.) and to feel superior to me. “Poor Skunkcabbage, she can’t figure out how to do/fix this problem. I have to work so hard to clean up her mistakes and fix it for her.”
Yes, insidious. He really wanted me to be dependent upon him. But what ended up happening was I realized that I could do these things, and do them well and I really didn’t need him at all. He couldn’t handle that and used my new found confidence as an excuse to ramp up his disrespectful behavior and his cheating.
When I finally walked, he told me “I’d never be able to take care of myself.” I laughed in his face. I’ve got a great job and I’ve applied for a new position with the company where I’ll make more $ than I’ve ever had in my life with great benefits, my son just graduated with honors and is heading off to college this fall with most of it paid for with scholarships, and I’m healthier and happier than I ever have been in my whole life. X can go suck rotten eggs.
“Shortly after our honeymoon, we went for a hike, and, without explanation or warning, he stormed ahead.”
I experienced something similar, Spinach. We’d been living together for a few months, and were getting married shortly.
We were walking up Ben Nevis. He’d charged on ahead(like he so often did), I called to him I was tired, needed to rest, and wanted to take a picture. He turned around with such a look of rage and contempt, I was shaken.
Like you, I madly spackled.
I so wish I’d listened to my gut, then. Sigh. ????????
Found this blog in 2016, read all of Tracy’s posts since it’s inception AND all the comments. Every day. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a common tactic by the disordered. I had a stylist that I just didn’t like-too pushy and intrusive. I found another. Who do I see in my neighborhood, charging ahead of her husband on the sidewalk ? Mrs. Obnoxious.
Wow! That’s crazy. I’m sorry it happened to you, too.
I don’t understand why these men married us if they felt rage and contempt.
By the way, he would pull this walking-far-ahead crap even when we had kids and were on vacation in a foreign city. He once almost got clocked by a car in Barcelona because he angrily started stomping away from us FOR NO REASON at a busy intersection. My x’s girlfriend, who was vacationing with us at the time, said to him, ” Dr. x, you’ve go to stop doing that.” The rest of us were shocked that she said it so plainly. We even nervously laughed. I think we were so used to the crappy behavior that we kind of shrugged when it happened. It took an outsider to call out the BS. On another vacation, my niece’s husband said to me, “What’s wrong with him?” I shrugged.
One last thing: people remember. And there are sometimes (not always, I concede) consequences for acting like a jerk. Because he had a way of alienating people and acting like an entitled toddler (sorry toddlers), most of our joint friends have dropped him and have hopped on my “side.”
x complained at mediation that “Spinach is sitting pretty.” Why yes I am. Character matters. I treat people with respect and don’t walk angrily ahead, leaving them in the dust.
UGHHHH typo: not my x’s girlfriend. Meant to write “my son’s girlfriend”
I was wondering about that ????
Factual equation:
I trust you > I love you
Trust is the one and only foundation for a relationship. Chump Lady’s Faberge egg analogy is perfect and the foundation has been smashed to smithereens.
My immediate thought after I read the headline was: noooope. Your letter boils down to this, your partner did stuff behind your back that makes you feel uncomfortable and you ask if you should forgive him and how do you trust him again. The answer is you don’t! You’re not okay with his behavior. That’s more than enough reason to dump him. Think of it this way, it’s still early enough in the relationship that this guy is still courting you. He is on his best behavior. Him looking at nudes and sexting (and maybe more??) with exes behind your back after you asked him not to is the BEST you will get from this guy.
“him looking at nudes and sexting (and maybe more??) with exes behind your back is the best you will get after you asked him not to is the best you will get from this guy”.
SC: I doubt there has ever been a more true statement. He does not want to break away from the ex. They are buddies who continued to sleep together after they broke up. Someone who has not detached from an ex is a huge RED FLAG. That someone is in a relationship (if you can call it that) with someone who has asked him not to be in communication (at least to some extent) with the ex and he has not honored that request. Exes are exes for reasons; beware anyone who has an EX that they have not severed ties with when such ties do not involve children or a business. Sad Chump: Please learn to value yourself enough that you require that your boundaries be respected. Good luck.
Sad, this is not going to get better, only worse. And consider that he is probably only telling you just enough to test your reaction, to see what he can get away with.
You are worth more than this.
Agree! He is “only telling you just enough”!
He’s not telling you EVERYTHING he’s done, he’s just telling you enough for now to later claim plausible deniability.
Later, when you inevitably find out more, he will then claim that he told you everything already.
He’ll gaslight you into thinking that maybe you didn’t understand what he previously told you. You’ll go over everything discussed in the past and wrack your brain trying to resolve the cognitive dissonance between what you remember and what he’s telling you now.
These cheaters play awful mind games with us.
The only way to “win” is to take your ball and leave the game.
This was my experience. The confession seemed like a big gesture on his part, but it was really just the litmus test. His behavior continued, and he attempted to take it further underground.
This may not be the most popular opinion here, but I would certainly hesitate before commiting to ANY partner who has any serious “addiction” in thier past. It would not be a deal breaker, but I would have to reserach and think long and hard about partnering up.
I say this from years of expereince with family and friends as well as co workers. Addiction recovery is no joke.
You have to value yourself, and your future – and take into consideration all the people you allow into your life.
I can’t even imagine allowing this clown (OP) a second chance. He enjoys the repeated “confession/pain/spin” cycle he has this poster in. Completely unaware (or apparently so) that the duping IS an addiction, too. It gives him great relief to unload on her. It will never stop.
I wouldn’t date an addict either – not unless they’d been in recovery for many years, and even then, I’d think twice. I grew up with an addict and saw how destructive addiction is. I wouldn’t willingly live with it again.
That said, “sex addiction” is a bullshit myth and an excuse for cheaters.
Agree with you Nancy. My ex cheater was an alcoholic. I helped him get sober. Only to see years down the track that he just transferred his addiction from alcohol to addiction to gambling! And I believe possibly porn too because I saw him texting porn stars and sexting other people. So yeah addiction is a slippery slope. It’s often tied to personality disorders. I believe my ex cheater has narcissistic personality disorder after learning about this disorder when I caught him cheating and so many other lies came out. Narcs and other toxic people don’t know how to deal with life so they turn to alcohol and other addictions to self medicate. And they never change. In my 8 years being with him he got sober, but that was the only “change”….he actually got worse and was addicted to other things. I’ll never again be with anyone who has addiction in their past. I know people get sober and change etc but it takes A LOT of hard work and consistent effort, and when it comes to relationships, I just think it’s a slippery slope, one that I’m not prepared to ride on again.
Addicts are not available for relationships. Period. That’s true whether the addiction is drugs, gambling, sex—whatever. Though I tend to think sex addiction is a bullshit excuse to do what he wants to do, and assholes are not available for relationships, either.
Well said, Nomar. Addicts aren’t present in a relationship; they’re just there. If anyone tells you they are an addict, you merely become an accessory in their life. An object, muse, means-to-an-end, appliance, useful tool, and a mood-regulator by way of how you’re used to maintain their image.
I should clarify that I meant active addicts. It’s my understanding that addicts in recovery who have sustained that recovery for a substantial time (at least a year) may be available for new romantic relationships.
Nomar,
I’m with you on this. An addict’s primary relationship is with whatever it is that they are addicted to; their relationship with anyone and anything else comes a very very poor second and will inevitably take the hit (regardless of whether the addict cares enough to acknowledge it) when the addict needs their fix.
LFTT
“Though I tend to think sex addiction is a bullshit excuse to do what he wants to do, ”
Yeah, maybe I am wrong; but I think “sex addiction is overused, much like sugar addiction”.
My love of sugar is not an insurmountable addiction, I can control it, same for sex. I don’t make excuses when I od on sugar; I take my hit and don’t blame DQ or Ben and Jerry.
“The Guy Doesn’t Have the Basic Skills for a Relationship. ”
Sooooo true, and honestly from folks I have known, my own experience etc, it is true of most of these cheaters. They never had it in them, they just were able to put on a performance for a season.
“…able to put on a performance for a season.” Yes. Seems it would be exhausting. I don’t know how the cheaters do it.
It would be exhausting for a normal decent person, who wouldn’t do such a thing anyway.
Cheaters enjoy the deceit, the thrill of “I know something you don’t know”.
Duper’s delight
Susie: I think this cheater like many others never had it in them. Confess a little to make SO think gee, he is so honest…..
Liars, like those still hooked on an EX, just do not have it in them at all. Next, please.
The longer you delay getting out, the harder it will be. You’re in the process of trauma bonding. That in itself is an addiction. Run, goddammit
Sad, block this malignant sick fucker on every channel. Spend some time healing, building your life. Get very curious about what thoughts lead you to consider staying for one second longer now that you know. It’s probably scarcity mentality, which has zero upside. Get busy noticing those thoughts and catching yourself and thinking an intentional thought that actually serves you. I suggest something like, “I am learning to be my own best friend” or “someday I will be grateful I left the cheater.”
He’s not a sex addict. He’s textbook Compulsive Abusive Sexual Relational Disorder. Google that and the Secret Sexual Basement.
You couldn’t find a situation like yours in the archives, Sad? He uses porn, sets with other women, and lies. He plays sad sausage and claims it’s an addiction in order to excuse it.
What situation on CL *isn’t* like that? Take it for granted there is much more going on than he will ever admit to. There always is with these perverts.
Should you forgive him? Hey, if you want to, go ahead. How to trust him again? DON’T. He is not trustworthy. Regardless of whether or not you forgive him the misdeeds you know about, you need to dump him immediately.
He’s an abuser. He told you *a few things* (by no means all) about himself to test what you would tolerate. That means he intends to ramp up the abuse over time, pushing your boundaries further and further, seeking complete control. Expect to eventually be told you have to participate in degrading sexual acts to keep him from cheating. Expect that he’ll cheat anyway. The descent into depravity once you are groomed to accept it happens in every single case with these “sex addict” FWs. Your case is no different. It really isn’t. I’m sorry.
Think about it. He claims to be an addict. So what’s he doing about this alleged addiction? Nothing.
Sad, I can guarantee that this guy has more skeletons in his closet than a med school anatomy lab, and that he likes being the way he is just fine. He does not feel bad about it. He is manipulating and grooming you. Please accept this reality and find somebody worthy of you. Don’t stay like we did, puffing on hopium that things would improve while we were traumatized, eventually to the point of being suicidal in many cases. I’m not exaggerating. The “sex addict” FW is the most destructive kind by far. These are the ones who are always serial cheaters, who are sexually depraved, who obsessively use porn. They go to strip clubs and massage parlors and they buy prostitutes. They sexually abuse their partners.
Run, Sad. Run like the hounds of hell are nipping at your heels.
Meant to say sexts, not sets. Sheesh.
Oh good gravy! We talk about the FW playbook, but there must be a Chump playbook around somewhere too?! Maybe a Chump fairy brings it around when you’re sleeping? ????????♀️ I dunno but I must of read it too! So did one of my friends who married a confessed sex addict. Then when they were in financial trouble, he was a confessed gambling addict. Then when he did nothing with his kids, he was a confessed gaming addict. Then when… you get the idea. He had no addiction problem. He had an immature, entitled, FW problem & finally, finally, hallelujah she finally kicked him to the curb!!!
He probably never broke up with the ex.
My hunch is he typically keeps 3-5 women in play at all times. They have roles such as The Primary, The Wallet, The Booty Call, etc. Telling you he is a sex addict is a way to normalize his lifestyle of competing women.
What does he do for a living? This type is typically either chronically unemployed or has a job where they enjoy enormous freedom & flexibility.
>He probably never broke up with the ex.
I noted this in my comments too.
@Regret: Thank you for stating this so well. You just described my first serious boyfriend and Cheater #1. They love having partners compete for them almost as much as they love the deceit. I wish you had written this out for me many, many years ago when I was 19.
Or a job that made them king and encouraged them to think they rule the world (mine was this one, which made him a respectable, successful young man on the outside and boy, did he bank on it).
listen to your intuition and end this relationship.
for one thing, it’s hard to love someone with an active addiction. i don’t know what other addictions your BF is harbouring, but i bet there are more. ask me how i know.
i married a guy with an alcoholic dad, and, before we married, i told him i wasn’t interested in marrying an alcoholic. i was young. i didn’t see my X’s drinking as concerning, but i was wrong. my X was born an alcoholic, and his addictions shifted around a bit. shopping, overeating, under eating, exercising, working, and, the steady one, alcohol.
but i want to talk about his addiction to crushes. when i look back, i see a pattern of crushes with subordinates at the office. it started with his first secretary, A, a single mom, who adored my X and ended up marrying a guy who looks exactly like my X. weird, huh? this was followed by M, another secretary, who he developed “feelings” for when we had been married 3 years, i think? we had a big talk about this situation and he swore he wouldn’t act on them, that he would work through his feelings. this did happen. my X remained friends with M for years. she later got an MBA and levelled up with my X which probably killed his crush–he has a thing for subordination, as well as a saviour complex.
this pattern repeated and continues to this day, when my X recently indicated that he could get his latest associate/secretary, K, to leave her live-in boyfriend if he wanted to, that he had the ability to persuade her. the look on his face when he told me this was completely weird. i think he was turned on. i told him to mind his own business. FYI she’s 30 years old and he’s 59. for context, our daughter is 26 years old.
D-day was 1 1/2 years ago and evolved/devolved out big discussions around alcoholism, his anger about being confronted by his alcoholism, and resultant acting out with, you guessed it, a subordinate at his office. my X is now a VP and he became involved with a direct hire, his manager. i caught him having dinner with her and, when confronted, he told me he had shared his “feelings” for her over the dinner table, and then they’d talked it all through and decided not to have dinner alone ever again. i now think this is likely a lie, as my X has done a lot of lying over the past year, why would this be an exception?
please note, my X then promoted this same manager to a director position, and was shifted out his job to a parallel position. i don’t yet know what that means but it doesn’t bode well. workplace harassment? corporate sidelining? or the corporation actually restructuring the executives so that one of them can fuck their director? it’s all bad news and it’s shady as fuck.
anyway, do you see the repetition of “feelings” over the years? it’s a pattern.
so, listen. i’m now 57 and have learned a lot of things through therapy, but i know that my intuition was shouting, on and off, over a 30 year marriage. i should have listened to it and left my X at year 3, i should have. but then i wouldn’t have 2 great kids who i love so much, so i ignore the “call of the should have” and move on.
i just rented a house to move into this summer and those walls will fucking sing. fuck that guy.
My FW has that savior complex. He gets off on “saving” lonely women. He seduces, he love bombs. He’s addicted to getting women to fall in love with him. He wants to play the hero. Thinks that sex with him will save them. I see now that what I thought was love was love-bombing. He will never be satisfied, even though he pretends to be. He has moved on to his next victim. He moved in with her within 2 months of knowing her, while still trying to get back with me, admitting to me that he didn’t love her “yet”. He’s now engaged to her, and I’m sure he will get “restless”. But whatever happens, it doesn’t make a difference in my life, because I took my path far away from his. (Yes, I blocked him.)
“i just rented a house to move into this summer and those walls will fucking sing.”
We expect regular updates! I’m so glad you’re almost free!
Run like the wind, OP, and never look back. This kind of addiction never gets better in my experience. I spackled 10 years ago after D-Day #1, 7 months into our relationship, where I found an entire file on his computer full of nudes from his exes that he’d been saving for years (there were 45 pictures in that file, from 6 different exes of his) and time tags showing he’d accessed them multiple times within the last month. I was 23 then and came from a very codependent upbringing, so when he told me it was because “My parents/FOO didn’t love me but these women did, so I held onto them” I gave him another chance if he promised to delete them and only look at regular porn and not people he actually knows. 2 months later he cheated on me with one of his high school friends, which I didn’t find out about until 9 years later because, surprise! He showed me who he was with his actions and I wanted to believe his promises more than what I was seeing with my own eyes. I wish I’d left after that 1st d-day. It got way worse over the years. D-Day #2 came 9.5 years after D-Day #1, followed by several others. Shortly after our daughter was born, I found out he’d registered for a little over a dozen dating apps (he says he never met up with anyone, but I don’t believe him), saved sex workers’ phone numbers to his contacts (he says he never solicited them but I don’t believe him), had been carrying on two simultaneous EAs with two different old coworkers, was playing one hentai game with a “young girl accolade” and three others with incest themes, had the aforementioned ONS with his friend from high school, and had saved tons of pictures of people he knew personally (his coworkers/female friends) to his spank bank. The pictures he saved were normal selfies/pictures they’d taken in their bikinis on vacation or in a cute but sort of revealing outfit during a night out, and what struck me about them was that didn’t look like they were taken for him. I asked him where he got them and he said he was skimming people’s instagram/ facebook/dating app profiles for pictures of people he knew IRL that he thought were sexy. He had pictures of a programmer he used to work with, this woman he worked with at his old job (he had a EA with this woman as well), countless pictures of his friends he’d met on various online forums over the years and (most painfully) one of my best friend that I remember her taking/sending to our friend group chat 7 years ago after I gave her some of my old clothes (she did her hair to kind of look like mine and sent the picture with a joke that she went all out on the “mowmowface” look after getting my clothes. It was definitely not intended for him to use as “material”) The very millisecond I told him I had no desire to reconcile he was back on dating apps and now has a girlfriend in Thailand that he says he admires because “they value family in their culture.” (pretty rich, considering he didn’t seem to value the family he made with me.) I repeat OP, run for your life. Don’t be me. He is already showing you with his actions that he values attention and validation from other women more than he values you. It’s still early, there’s time for you to move on and find someone who doesn’t do stuff that makes you feel twitchy and insecure.
Mowmow, I’m so sorry that you endured this. I’m glad he’s gone.
My FW claimed “sex addiction” because the RIC told him so that was his excuse. He’s not addicted to sex, his turn on was deceiving me. He got off on the thrill of the secret. He cheated way down, so much so that he dumped her when I dumped him, he didn’t want to get stuck with her. He liked her because he could seduce her and deceive me. That will always be the thing I hate most. That was worse than the HPV.
We didn’t have kids and he was living in my house so it was easy to kick him out. I knew I would never waste another minute of my time on a person that could devalue me when he claimed he loved me.
For every admission, there is a deeper darker truth that will hurt you more. There is nothing to trust about this man. The life you gain when he is gone is worth the pain now.
“For every admission, there is a deeper darker truth that will hurt you more”! Truth truth truth!
Oh dear, he’s only escalating. You will never be one step ahead of this.
Get out now, as much as it hurts and inconveniences you, it doesn’t compare to what’s coming.
Ugh, another sex addict with the same lines. He is manipulating you. He is telling you in his way “this will happen again and again.” Actions are what matter not words. I know it hurts but leave now knowing that you deserve better than this. It will save you from even more hurt. You have CN support through this pain and bravery.
It pains me to see people bury their head in the sand, especially when they don’t have that much invested.
This guy has told you he’s a piece of shit and yet you refuse to believe him.
I can only hope this part of the grieving process and you’re in the denial stage that you will ultimately come out of. It’s a process we’ve all gone through.
You should’ve been gone the second he sniffed in his ex’s direction, but we’ve all made that mistake. But now you are moving from victim to willing participant.
Sad Chump are you dating my ex’s clone because he did the same thing down to the 2 years broken up and lying to me about his relationship with the ex while telling me we were exclusive? He also continued to meet her in secret after ironically having a serious conversation with me earlier where I told him I am not willing to accept any relationship with exes besides friendly acquaintances you say hi to while running into them on the street. He was meanwhile telling me how we should get married soon. But he accidentally admitted in one of our last fights that she broke things off with him first when she discovered he wasn’t single as she had assumed because he was lying to her too. I ended things with him after I finally got a few truths out of him like this.
I am much more peaceful and have dated much kinder people down the line after losing the FW and several months of therapy. Even assuming he’s really an addict, would you date a drug addict or alcoholic in the throes of his addiction? I wouldn’t and expect the addict would be clean for a while before he’s worthy of a relationship with healthy me. They exist out there.
This man lacks discipline and self-control which are already a big NO for two grown people dating. The fact that he sucks with these things in the area of sex, exes, etc. is a HELL NO. You deserve so much better.
Sad,
1) get an STI test ASAP
2) what he told you is a lie – to cover up more lies. If you think sexting is all he did, that must be all he left traces of
3) get OUT! “The calls are coming from inside the home”. HE is the danger. You have freedom to leave – PLEASE, for the sake of all you hold holy, LEAVE.
4) every chump here can tell you sad tales of trying, but trusting again is impossible. I know. I tried. Our friend group helped him gaslight me the first time (31 years ago!!) and told me “trusting is a choice”. It was. I made the wrong choice. He went deeper underground & kept raising the stakes – cheat with someone who works for him, bring her around, flirt with her in front of me. Do you want THAT?
Run! The relationship is on fire!
Chump lady nailed it! I was married to a “sex addict.” He “confessed” to me randomly about cheating on me. I thought it must mean he was sorry. NOPE. They get off on hurting us. It’s part of the thrill. He needed you to know he was betraying you to get off on his betrayal.
I’ve been in multiple groups for the partners of sex addicts. Do you know where they all go sad chump? They all go to pedophilia eventually. That’s the natural progression. They need to get more and more “taboo” to keep getting off. Right now he’s getting off on hurting you emotionally, he’ll go to violence and rape towards women. Maybe not doing it himself but watching porn where women get beaten and raped.The women will get younger and younger. Then it’ll be teens and eventually it’s children. They all eventually get there. Some take longer than others but they all get there because eventually there’s nowhere else left to chase that “high.”
Do you want to be at a point where you have kids with him when he decides raping kids is hot?
Get out now. There is nothing but pain as the partner of a “sex addict.” He will ruin your life. And he’ll jerk off about it. He’s not sorry. He doesn’t care. You’re a sexual prop to him, nothing more. Don’t go down this road. Run like hell.
I agree with EVERYTHING you said. My ex “sex addict” did escalate in the exact ways you described. Eventually, he molested our daughter, his own flesh and blood, when she was 12. She told me immediately. That piece of shit is still in prison. After he was convicted, I found out that he molested my sister’s daughter years before whenshelivedwithme. She didn’t tell anyone till he was in prison and she was already an adult.
Sad – it is really simple – leave the guy and move on, don’t invest any more of your time, energy, emotions – the longer you invest the more you will have lost when the inevitable happens when you no longer can take his bullshit – count yourself lucky that you found out now and not 20 years into a marriage, mortgage kids …
Run like your hair is on fire!! My FW was obsessed with porn and cheated on me more than once with his ex (who he was still seeing when we met, making me the unwitting other woman). He went to counselling to deal with his porn obsession and lying, counsellor told him to stop masturbating to porn as it was no good for our relationship or his erectile dysfunction. I thought it worked, stupid me he just went further underground. D-day again nearly 2 months ago, I’ve been trying to grey rock it but yesterday he came to my house when he knew I wouldn’t be home, and left extremely explicit photos he had of me on my porch for anyone to see! He also still has a collection of secret copies of nudes he kept from customers when he worked in a photography lab 40+ years ago. These FW do not change! It is not a sex addiction, it is shitty character. Don’t be me!
I hope that in your jurisdiction, the police can become involved.
I am thinking hard on that. It’s a Criminal Code offense to distribute explicit photos without consent. And I definitely did not consent. My children, Girl Guides, Amazon delivery guy etc. could have seen them.
The “addiction” (snark) is a top shelf EXCUSE to continue and excuse the behavior.
I don’t believe in ‘sex addiction’. It’s a spurious ‘psychological’ euphemism for *entitlement*, aka “I want to fuck whoever I want to fuck, and fuck you if you won’t go along with it”.
“He told me a couple months into our relationship that he had slept with his ex after our first date…”
This was him testing out what you would put up with.
And you gave him what he wanted sweetheart, acquiescence.
All the shut he’s pulled since then is inevitable escalation, and *it will get worse*.
Everything CL has told you is spot on. Get out now, and don’t invest any more pearls in that swine. He’s a piece of shit. Hugs. ????
Shit, not shut. ????
Lol. Used in the proper context, that word deserves proper spelling and you certainly used it in the right context. 😉
OMG! RUN! Do not wait. “Sex addiction” is B S ! It is just one more tool used to abuse. My stbx has spent 18 months playing the wounded unicorn. Your hubby is setting you up. If you take the bait, you will be dealing with this issue for however long the relationship lasts. Ask yourself, Is this what you want in a relationship? When someone shows you they suck, Trust that they do. There are a plethora of resources out there that I implore you to look at. BTR.org , yourstoryissafehere.com , and others. I also suggest Lundy Bancroft’s Why does hw do that? It is an eye opener. Good luck.
He has given you a head’s up that he will continue to engage in inappropriate behavior and cheating because he has a disorder, which by the way is horseshit, and can’t help himself. Just out of curiosity, did he park his ass at your place when you moved in together or did you find a place together? Does he pay his fair share of living costs or do you pay the bulk? I ask because people that engage in this behavior also tend to be blood sucking bums.
Yes, entitlement and a belief that he has a right to follow his urges wherever they go are death to a relationship. Animals live that way; monogamous humans do not. They deal with it by focusing elsewhere, exercising, or whatever. They don’t dwell on those thoughts. They keep the greater good of the relationship at the forefront.
I wish that I didn’t know about these things.
Very well said, Elsie.
Oh boy, Sad, get the hell out. I am just reiterating what many have said already. Where you see a couple of “minor” transgressions, we at CN see a pattern. Because we’ve lived it, suffered and fought like hell to get out. This is slow escalation and grooming for more abuse. This guy is no relationship material, he is addicted to lies, deceit, taking what is not his and he hasn’t earned. He is addicted to power trips, and that is bad news for you if you decide to stay. Lying and cheating on you is about having power over you. Because of what you don’t know, he is taking away your right of making an informed decision about your life. He is showing you who he is, please believe him and walk away now, while you can.
And in case you’re thinking “but my boyfriend is different, he told me he would change, that he was sorry!”, my answer is:
1) consider the source,
2) pay attention to what he does, not what he says.
FWs don’t change, this is working for him, why would he?
Ah, I wish we all had time machines so we could go back and get out before the real damage was done. Or magical TVs that would show us the future outcomes of any scenario or choice imaginable.
After repeated betrayals chumps tend to amass a list of red flags for cheaterism, that’s a given. For myself I’ve noticed that each red flag that I come to recognize represents a “D’OH!” moment that I look back on and wish I had been launched into an escape plan. It becomes a bit of an obsession. Red flags double as regrets.
I’m hoping that doing the work of putting my life back on track and achieving full “meh” will see an end to this compulsive line of thinking. Even as I approach meh-ville, I find myself frequently fantasizing about the moments when red flags appeared in the past– all those peculiar things that might not seem related to cheating but that chumps eventually identify as warnings like, say, future faking home repairs, “accidentally” destroying or losing precious things/heirlooms, merry mood swings, repeatedly ruining special occasions, even scary and insensitive driving, etc.– and replaying the scenarios in my mind but this time LEAVING before the cheating began. In retrospect it would be kind of funny to boggle would-be cheaters and leave them with a sad sausage narrative to tell others forever, like “S/he left me because I accidentally threw out his/her grandmother’s oil painting!” (wail). Or “S/he left me because I tail-gated on the freeway!” (moan). Or “S/he left me because I wouldn’t replace the broken toilet!” (boo hoo).
Since I wouldn’t give the kids back, my brain tends to focus on things that happened during my last pregnancy, imagining that, in response to something that I now know was a tell-tale warning of things to come, I’d gotten ducks in a row, hired a lawyer out of the blue and booted FW out. Had I done this, it would have been before the twenty year mark of marriage and I wouldn’t have gotten lifetime alimony on top of child support and it certainly would have been difficult to raise three kids alone, but my brain still replays these scenes over and over. I think it’s my brain’s way of saying, duh, that not everything happens for a reason– at least not for any good reason– and the kids and I would have been better off without that shit. I wouldn’t have had as much closure but I could get fourteen years back at least.
I wish as-yet unwed and child-free chumps would take a page from the vets. Avoid all the fun and regrets and dump that stock before it crashes.
I think you would like Dr. Omar Minwalla’s work, he clearly outlines cheating as trauma (so many of us suffer from PTSD, hypervigilance, reliving events, panic, depersonization, etc.) He also has a name for it deceptive sexuality trauma. It was helpful for me (he also has some STRONG ideas about “treatment induced trauma” from the shared blame focused RIC.
Minwalla’s work has been the most helpful thing for me other than ChumpLady. If you have a partner whose cheating falls less into the “my marriage was going through a rough time and I got way too close to my hot colleague at work” category and more into the category in this post (the “I am a serial liar and cheater who compartmentalizes my sex life into a ‘secret sexual basement’, where I rummage around for kibbles while you do the dishes, and when you catch me lying and sneaking around, I ‘trickle truth’ and lie more and then gaslight you then lie and cheat again” category), Minwalla is soooo helpful because he calls out this behavior for what it is—ABUSE—lists the red flags that you have this kind of partner, and describes the way that this kind of relationship is traumatizing and hard to leave. One thing that I find especially valuable is his insight that *even if you don’t know you’re being lied to or cheated on*, you still absolutely feel and manifest the effects of it in physical and emotional trauma.
Sad- you are sad because the only thing this guy can give is lies and STI’s.
You don’t state your age or any experience of previous relationships. A good book is “Love Factually” by Duana Welch, that helps people understand how to use some thoughtfulness prior to becoming emotionally attached to someone.
If you don’t feel you deserve everything you want in a relationship, that’s an indicator to work on yourself until you realize you are fully deserving of reciprocal love. You can choose deal breakers such as “never wants to go camping” or “does not need a 12 step group for a behavior issue.”
There are quite a few of us whose X spouse admitted to being a sex addict. Check the archives.
Whether or not sex addiction is really a thing, this guy is still withholding important information from you. He may come across as honest but he will be selective about what he tells you. What he lets you know will be the tip of the ice berg. That was my experience with my XH and from listening to other women in the multiple SAnon support groups I attended for years. We all were sad. Many women blamed themselves or took on responsibility for their partners issues.
If you don’t leave him, you will begin to spend huge amounts of money & time at treating his addiction. So many organizations have sprung up, like http://www.btr.org, or Omar Minwalla’s group, or SA/SANON, or in my experience, the absolute saddest of all, partners of sex addicts.
Do you really want to always be confused, wondering if he had a “slip,” or if he’ll pass his lie detector test? Or take it upon yourself to find the next treatment center? Or drag yourself to counseling and a self help group weekly, for a problem you did not create and you are not responsible for? This isn’t a disease he caught unknowingly like Covid. He chose to look at women over & over again, & masturbate, Then it probably escalated to both porn and his ex and her pics. Now he thinks he can’t do without!
An addiction to a behavioral is really entitlement in disguise. He is using other women, and you, to give himself something – a second income, proof that someone likes him, laundry & cleaning & dinner every night, and his sexual jollies. He doesn’t care that you get little in return, and he definitely doesn’t care that you don’t get monogamy in return. And now that he knows you still accept him after his “confession,” he will continue his behaviors. He will think that since you continue to live with him, you forgave him & accept all his behaviors. Once & done for him, because he’s not really going to keep being concerned with you – that what addicts do.
“ An addiction to a behavioral is really entitlement in disguise.”—-YES, UpandOut. This is so true.
Also in my very unfortunate experience being with someone who has behavioral addictions, even if he goes white-knuckle “sober” from the worst of the sexual acting out behaviors (not that you will ever know if he’s actually abstaining, since liars lie), he’ll still keep the addictive pattern in other areas of his life, the way they talk about “dry drunks.” He needs to lie, compartmentalize his behavior and keep his secret basement separate from other parts of his life, and get the dopamine hit/release of ego kibbles—-so even if he’s able to cut down on some of the sex stuff, he’s likely to continue to lie and sneak around in order to make himself feel better.
Highlighting these terrific lines:
“…the only thing this guy can give is lies and STI’s.”
“An addiction to a behavior is really entitlement in disguise.” (I fixed the typo)
I love ChumpLady’s answer.
I got sucked into the sex addiction thing because I was already 12 years, 4 kids in to the marriage and he was “such a nice guy”!
Sad, you can leave! Even if you have to beg a couch for a while, save yourself.
Chumplady is 100% right! Dump him, go no contact, and move on. He isn’t going to change; don’t waste any more time on him.
NEXT!
Sad, you say that you can’t find your story in the archives of CN. But, we are all your story. The only difference is that you’re not married and that gives you a huge advantage. Being lied to, cheated on, gaslit and deceived is every story on Chump Nation. You are one of us. I hope that you listen the great advice you’re being given here and RUN RUN RUN away from this cheating POS. He will not get better. He will get worse and then better and better at hiding it and abusing you. No good can come of staying. Who cares if he came clean? Mine did too. Only to later admit to so much worse and DECADES of cheating, lies and abuse. Get out now. Then stay here and read daily the stories of others just like you. You’ll begin to see that your situation is, unfortunately, very common.
“For every admission, there is a deeper darker truth that will hurt you more. There is nothing to trust about this man.” 100% true.
You will never be in a position that you can out-con a con artist, he will ALWAYS have the upper hand in that game. But you can spend a lifetime doubting what you see and always trying to fix him or improve yourself, which will really throw you off the game going on, but that’s why he chose you.
He will tell you wonderful and amazing things your lives together will contain, more than your wildest imaginings and you will not want to let that go. He will future fake the hell out of you, and it will sound so incomprehensibly incredible, like right out of the most wonderful dream you could dream.
Then you will back burner the sex addiction issue, the continued connection with the ex, the porn, the questionable countless relationships with other women that will surface continually and you will try again and again to reason it all out of existence. It will be your goal in life to save him.
Until you are so exhausted, you won’t be even able to fool yourself any longer and the truth of what he actually is becomes so blinding you can’t see anything else.
That, unfortunately, could be 10-20 years and 3 kids from now or you could be lucky enough to see it right now.
Please, believe it right now! It could save you an entire lifetime of heartaches.
This guy is a player, he is grooming you to see what you will tolerate and he is very much enjoying your angst about what his mind games are doing to you, that’s all part of the fun.
You found your way to this site, good for you! That’s a great start.
Don’t be distracted by what you want your life to be with this man,the future faking is a big distraction from the truth.
Listen to what your gut is trying to help you see. This man is untruthful, deceptive, hurtful, selfish,confusing, devaluing and an unacceptable partner.
You already know that, you are just not fully ready to accept it. It’s not at all easy.
There’s a Rumi quote that goes, “ There’s a voice that doesn’t use words, listen”.
These cheaters will reveal “ tells” to you. He has told you what he is, that’s not changing, believe him.
I agree with CL that “it is not your job to teach him remedial decency”.
Is the relationship as it stands today acceptable to you? Do you trust this man?
Someone else mentioned the brilliant work of Dr. Minwalla on the ‘secret sexual basement.’ I would look that up if you haven’t read it, so illuminating and scary.
His actions will cause you more and more harm that is very hard to see around the love you feel for him, you’ll just sense something is abysmally off, it will rip away more pieces of your soul the longer you stay in the game.
Get out. Don’t date right away either, give yourself time to heal and fix your radar.
This guy is not going to change, it will get many degrees worse.
Some day you will be able to look back on that relationship and know you dodged a missile with coordinates locked directly on you.
He’s shown you who he is, believe him.
My chump story began like this. My ex husband was “sexting” and looking at pictures/videos of ex girlfriends. I discovered this while we were engaged and I choose to ignore those nagging feelings in my gut.
It got worse from there. Serial cheating with hookers and co-workers, sexting with strangers on the internet. Basically an entire double life. I had 3 D-days, years of therapy (and the bills that go along with it) and lost 10 years of my life – all because I didn’t value myself enough to call it off at the beginning of my chump journey.
Leave this guy. Leave now. It only gets worse from here. You only see the tip of the iceberg right now. What he is willing to share – trust me, there is much much more. Choose yourself over this fuckwit. Don’t make the same mistake that I did. You are worth so much more than this.