I’m not sure how this message will be received as I’ve not had an “official” D-Day. But I’m writing to you because your site is keeping me going as I feel like I’m treading water here.
Over the past year my husband’s behavior has changed drastically. Moody, angry, causing fights over really small and dumb things. He got a new job last year and started working late. And it always seemed like he worked a lot but I now know that he cannot work more than 80 hours a week.
Here is the (very shortened) details to my crazy situation. He asked me to drink a lot that day because I have a lubrication issue. Well, when he got home he got me a gatorade and kept asking me to drink. I don’t remember falling asleep. When I woke up our phone GPS showed he left in the middle of the night and went to the end of the road where it is a dirt road and nothing else. Not one but TWO phone GPS’s showed this. I also found a very strange picture of me asleep on his phone. Well, here is the kicker, he is really tech savvy (as I will point out later) so it never made a lot sense that he left with the phone tracker on. Anyways I suspected he gave me something, when I searched his backpack that he keeps in his car he became super angry and started emptying it and wouldn’t let me take it into the house.
After we came inside he randomly started crying. That he was stressed. This was unfair. He didn’t do anything. I have since found that there is a hidden pocket in his backpack that he conveniently did not check. Of course I spackled. It was much easier to doubt my senses/gut than it was to believe that him being so tech savvy and smart would take his phone. I’ve checked the phone records. Checked credit card statements. Nothing. Well, this January and Feburay (two months after incident) I noticed several days where he came home smelling of perfume and in a great mood. So I started keeping up with his time at work in my calendar. All seemed normal. About a month later we were at a party and he behaved strangely after one of the friends mentioned infidelity on Gay hookup sites. So we had a confrontation because chumpy me thought he would confess. He didn’t but he behaved strangely all week and I decided to reach out to a PI (I’m in a fault state). We are 2 years short of a 10 year marriage with a child. He is the primary source of income and he carries the medical insurance.
Well the PI confirmed that these are all signs (plus a few more that I didn’t mention). We know he started up seeing AP not long after. While I was trying to covertly get the PI paid. Once I paid, all activity stopped. I have since found out in the last few weeks that he has coded/created spyware that he is giving away online that tracks all movement on phones. He also seemed to know information that I never shared with him, so he is obviously using it on me. I did use a burner phone for the PI. But right after the PI was paid he started mentioning things that I’ve looked up on my burner phone. Which I was hiding in my bedroom. Well after lots of digging I have found a hidden camera. So obviously he found the burner, probaby got into it. And knows about the PI.
This week he wanted me to look at a song on his spotify and it had two songs in his most recent. One that was basically talking about cheating. The other the lyrics mentioned being hidden and safe (the songs were electric worry by clutch and the other was bubbly). I’m positive he did that on purpose and when I got up to walk off, he started singing one of the songs.
I’m a trainwreck. Since reading your book I am noticing the severe manipulation, the gaslighting, and the 3 channels they run on. After this week I also think he is getting some sick kick out of this. He could have hidden or went around the song thing. But I feel that was purposeful. He seems to be following the OPSEC on the adultrey subreddit on reddit. The PI says he will start back. We just have to wait. My therapist and a trusted friend have told me to just leave. I may never get proof and he might always be a step ahead. Forget getting proof just get out.
I plan to leave if I have proof. There will be no RIC. I’m tiny and still losing weight. I’m terrified that if I leave I will always wonder. That I will not get any closure, feeling of being right, and possibly financial justice. What words do you have CL?
I might not have access to this email after I send this. If you post on your blog, I will see it.
A hurricane blew off my roof. I’m waiting to determine if it was a Class 5 hurricane or a Class 4 hurricane before I evacuate. What words do you have?
GET THE HELL TO SAFETY! IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT KIND OF HURRICANE IT IS! HURRICANES ARE DEADLY!
You’re married to a psychopath. He drugged you. He spies on you. He enjoys your pain. Every minute you stay with him, you’re in danger. GET TO SAFETY. LEAVE.
I know that if you’re reading this, and not dead in a ditch somewhere, you’re thinking I’m overstating it. Like, you feel validated, (I’m not crazy!) but also well, he’s not always a psycho…. we go entire stretches without drama...
Ready, you’re frog soup. You’ve boiled so long, you don’t know you’re boiled.
I know you have sunk costs, a child, and you’re economically vulnerable. This is what domestic abuse shelters are for. Go to womenslaw.org stat and find your nearest organization that can help you get out NOW. You need a protection from abuse order (it will be temporary, at first, just tell them what you told us) and that will get him OUT of the house. Or they can help you find a shelter and connect you to legal resources.
(For anyone in the US, you can also call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) — I recommend womenslaw.org because it has exhaustive information on divorce law and types of abuse. And they run an online legal clinic staffed by law students. Also, if you’re feeling generous — donate. We need them.)
Back to frog soup — you know what’s a good sign that you’re in an abusive relationship — when everyone around you is horrified and it begins to dawn on you that you should be horrified too. It’s because you’re in survival mode. You’ve been mindfucked for so long, and you KNOW that leaving is dangerous — for fuck’s sake he’s monitoring you! So you try not to set off the trip wire, and get mired in analysis paralysis instead. Oh… maybe when I have enough proof!
HE DRUGGED YOU.
Game over. Buh-bye. Check the aisles for any items you may have left behind. Exit.
He also seemed to know information that I never shared with him, so he is obviously using it on me.
This is why you need to call the professionals. I’m just a lady with a blog. You need law enforcement and legal help, Ready. Show up at the court house and get that protection order. Or go to the library to do your online research. This guy is scary AF. You need the heavy boot of the law.
I’m positive he did that on purpose and when I got up to walk off, he started singing one of the songs.
So, you’re living Night of the Hunter? (Creepiest film ever. Robert Mitchum plays a predator who sings hymns as he stalks his prey.) Time to go all Lillian Gish on his ass.
But I feel that was purposeful. He seems to be following the OPSEC on the adultery subreddit on reddit.
Don’t untangle the skein on where his mindfuckery comes from. Just get away from it. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It’s what these freaks do. He wants to up his abuse game on the interwebz? GET AWAY!
The PI says he will start back. We just have to wait.
No. You do not have to wait. Take your life back.
My therapist and a trusted friend have told me to just leave. I may never get proof and he might always be a step ahead. Forget getting proof just get out.
They gave you excellent advice. Take it.
I plan to leave if I have proof.
Quit toking on the hopium pipe. You can’t chump a chump. I’ve been there. This is you bargaining. You don’t want to accept the situation, or feel the wall of pain that it’s as bad as it actually is. You tell yourself little lies that you can manage the hurricane. You don’t want to face your fears — fears that he’s stoked — that you can’t do it alone.
You won’t do it alone. You’ll get support and you’ll GET OUT NOW. We’re here for you.
You don’t need anymore proof. He DRUGGED you. He delights in your pain. That’s your proof. It’s ENOUGH.
There will be no RIC. I’m tiny and still losing weight. I’m terrified that if I leave I will always wonder.
If you stay you’re going to wonder every flipping second what he’s really up to.
Let go of the monster rope? Take your life back? He can have his creepy secrets. They won’t be relevant to your life.
That I will not get any closure, feeling of being right, and possibly financial justice.
You’re a stay at home mother. The court is weighted in your favor. Talk to a lawyer — he may be forced to cover your insurance, and pay you alimony. You’re basing your decisions on UNINFORMED fear. Get information. Get help. You can rebuild. A bazillion people here at CN did, and you will too.
Closure doesn’t exist. There’s just acceptance and that comes in time with a lot of no contact.
It’s past time to leave. Please get out.